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- [00:01]
A
All the games you loved growing up are on the App Store looking to spark some friendly competition with friends and family no matter where you're at. Turn your phone into the ultimate game night. You can bankrupt your brother in Monopoly, go shout out hilarious clues to family and heads up. Challenge your best friend to a game of Uno, or get on a lucky streak in Yahtzee with Buddy Stice. Discover tons of classics you already love. It's all the laughter and connection of game night right in the palm of your hand. So what are you waiting for? Relive the games you grew up with now on iPhone. Search for your favorites on the App Store and let the games begin. Audible's Romance Collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into. You don't have to choose just one fancy a dalliance with a Duke or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field. And and if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood, the latest Romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, and of course, all the really steamy stuff. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery.
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B
Welcome to Corolla Classics. I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the.
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C
Best moments, highlights and fans select eclipse.
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B
From all 16 years of the Adam Corolla Show. We have a separate podcast feed title Cruel Classics, exclusively available through Podcast one. You can find the Ad Free archives, check it out and sign up.
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C
And if you'd like to find the Ad Free archives for the Adam Crolla.
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B
Show or the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or if you'd like to get exclusive access to the brand new podcast.
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C
Beat it out, make sure to check.
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B
Out Adam Crolla's substack adamkrolo.substack.com and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get.
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C
To the clips coming up.
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B
First we have Adam Carollo Show 1189 featuring Tito Ortiz, Bjorn Remini, Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013.
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C
Good day. Allison Rice hello Adam Carolla and Baldbrine.
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B
That's right, Jose Maldonado wanted that on Twitter. Probably One of my favorite drops in terms of how much I get delight from it versus just how simple and short it is.
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C
That's right. That Ernest Borgnine.
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B
Ernest Borgnine doing a phoner in the old radio show.
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C
That's right. The late, great Ernest Borgnine.
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B
That's right.
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C
A couple things I was thinking about in terms of, wow, it's been a while. Or, man, am I getting old. The part where I was watching the 30 for 30 ESPN boxing stuff. It can be about any sports topic, but it was Mickey Ward and Gotti. Ward. Gotti. Anyway, Gotti. It's been dead for four years. And it's one of those things like I said about with Joe Namath when he did the I want to kiss you on the drunk sideline when he was drunk. It was like it was four years ago, five years ago. It was 10 years ago, 10 years ago. And Gotti died coming up, just a few weeks away from four. It's been four years. Now, that's one of those how you're getting old things where you go, oh, he died 18 months ago or last year or the beginning of last year or something. No, it's been four years. This has been your entire high school career. Meaning he's been. He was dead longer than you were in high school, or at least than I was in high school. I went three years. But even if you went four years, it would have been all of your high school. That's how long he would have been gone.
- [03:59]
B
Did you find it funny or bizarre or strange that they made a great, compelling movie about Mickey Ward, the Fighter with Mark Wahlberg, and it didn't include what he's arguably most famous for, the. The fights with Arturo Gotti.
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C
I found that interesting.
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B
It was a great movie. But I was like, wow, it didn't even include his most famous feat, probably.
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C
Gary, you have July 11th. I had November in my head. Now you gotta check again. 09. Where did July come from? It's weird. Anyway, interesting. 30 for 30. Also, you had the no mas thing, which you really want to feel old. Was over 30 years old with Sugar Ray Leonard, Roberto Durant, speaking of fighting, Tito Ortiz coming in here July 30th.
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A
11Th.
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C
Oh, sorry. July 11th. 09 is when he died. Is it when he died? Weird. It's weird because this. Watching the thing last night. Yeah, I was drunk, but yeah, still weird. So it is. It's been four years then. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goddamn. Time flies by. Actually, it drags the early part of your life when you're miserable Then later, when you'd like it to slow down, when you want to savor, it blows by.
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A
Now what's your theory on why that is?
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C
You know what? I've always just thought of it as driving to San Francisco. The first time I drove to San Francisco, I was in the backseat of my grandparents Peugeot or whatever stupid foreign car my grandmother had to drive to be cool. And it was forever. It was forever. And now we go do Fresno on a Friday night and then Sacramento on a Saturday night and then we leave after the show and drive home. Mike August drives like a fucking maniac at 90 miles an hour. But it's just, I just, in a relative way, I just go, look, I'm going to put a couple of beers between my legs and it's going to be done in five and a half hours. And it's done. I've driven to the Bay Area so many times now that I have a context for it. Like I just go, I'm going to Laguna Seca to do a car race. I know it's going to be four and a half, five hours, it's already done before it starts.
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A
Right.
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C
Remember when flying used to be a big deal?
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A
Well, like you're saying car trips to go to Disneyland, which was like a half hour drive. And I'm sorry, I know you didn't go to Disneyland as a child, but I would bring coloring books and Mad Libs and like I would bring so much stuff in the car just to pass the time.
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C
Right. And now it's nothing. So I have this sense that time is relative. Meaning when you, if someone holds your head Underwater, then that 45, 50 seconds, I don't know why they're doing it, but it feels. If someone holds.
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A
You're in a fraternity.
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C
Yes. If somebody holds your head underwater for 30 seconds, it's eternity. It just feels like forever. Of course, we've all had that experience of falling asleep and sleeping for 10 hours and feeling like nothing. So then what is time? There's also the part where you go in and you get your meniscus repaired and they put you under and it's been four hours and it's nothing. So what really is time? And I know you're passed out, but we've all had the experience of even having a great time, great date or whatever experience, and having it just be nothing versus forever.
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A
Yeah, well, I think it's the relativity of time is that you're. If you're two date. Well, you can't feel time at that age. But the five years from five to 10, that's half your life.
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C
Yeah.
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A
So it feels like a long time.
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C
That's what I think. I think every time you drive from LA to San Francisco and back, it gets a little bit shorter. LA to Vegas. It used to be a big deal to go to Vegas. It's not a big deal anymore. Each time I've done it, it's become a little bit less of a thing. It's gone by a little bit faster. And that's just sort of life. Every day, every evening, everything you do enjoy and everything you don't enjoy just becomes something you've done a thousand times. And thus no big whoop. And thus faster because is podcast drags on. I don't want to sound too heavy, but we did invent time in a weird way.
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B
I was just gonna say I had my mind blown by a T shirt once. It said, time is an invention. And I was like, that's stupid. No, that's not stupid at all. That's fucking profound. Because time goes on no matter what existence is, no matter what. But then man had to have a way to record that, you know, measure it.
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C
Yes, we. We invented that. So Bald Brian, by the way, got a hooray for Baldywood coming up. I had a weird moment today. I was going to take my son to watch a little football over at Kimmel's theater. And that's where Cousin Sal and Co. Set up, and they set up to watch football over there. And my daughter wanted to go. And as we were driving through Hollywood, there was a lot of billboards up. I think they were looking at billboards. We're passing through Hollywood, looking up at billboards. And my son looked up, saw a billboard for It's About Time, the time traveling love story from the director of Love.
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B
Actually, yeah, it's called About Time.
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C
About Time, sorry. About Time looked up, saw about time and said, I want to see that movie. And then as they're both playing the parts of the kids that they are, my daughter chimed in and said, I want to see bad grandpa. And I thought, that's you, baby. You are bad granddaughter. It was one of those sitcom timing moments. She didn't say, I don't want to see that movie. She said, I want to see the movie about the person doing the bad things.
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B
Right?
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C
Yeah.
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A
That's sweet.
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C
Yeah. So that was on the way to the theater. Then we got to the theater and they ran around. Natalia did one of those things where I knew she would be bored. I knew she'd be wanting to leave. I Knew she'd be raising hell, but she wanted to go anyway, so I let her go anyway. Sonny just dutifully sits next to me and says, father, can I have a soda? You know, that kind of stuff where she just runs around.
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A
I wonder if they will keep these respective roles well into their teens. Do you think Sonny's gonna be a really well behaved 18 year old?
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C
Yes. You know, it's weird because I say to him almost every day, you like being a good boy, don't you? And he says, yes, I do. I like being a good boy. It feels good, you know, like that's his identity. He enjoys it. And it can go the other way as well. At a certain point. We're upstairs on the third floor watching football and Natalia just started bugging me like, when are we going to leave? When are we going to leave? When are we going to leave? And I said, go downstairs, go into Jimmy's studio. It's dark, it's pitch black. Air's blowing and everything, but it's just pitch black. And there's like. It's crazy. It's like the haunted house where they put sheets over the desk and over the chairs and over the sofa where the guest sits and they just do that. I said, go down there with Sonny and go sit in Jimmy's chair and then come back and then we can leave. Just as a weird. I was doing that thing where I was picturing myself as a seven year old, you know, as a seven year old going down, it's three flights of stairs into the bowels of this building. There's nobody around. And then you have to open this door into the studio, but it's pitch black. And you have to find your way up onto stage and you have to sit there at that desk when it's pitch black. I mean, think about that when you were seven years old.
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A
Yeah.
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C
An adventure and scary in the weird, scary adventure, but not truly scary, but still scary. You and your brother go down there and go there. Then she would go down the stairs, probably count to about 45 Mississippi and pop back up again and then go, I did it. Now let's go. And then Sonny would go, no, we didn't do it. And then I'd go do it. But it was one of those, remember the. Now all scary adventures are truly scary. You know what I mean? Back then, the scary adventures weren't. They weren't. Didn't actually pose a harm, a threat factor. And you knew it in the back of your head somewhere, but it was still sort of scary.
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A
Right.
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C
And that's. But I just thought, open that studio door into the main studio, go up on stage with all the lights off, and sit on. Uncle Jimmy's had a funny moment, though. I said, you know, my Natalia was like, I want to live in a modern house. And I was like, you don't. You live in an old house. She's like, uncle Jimmy has a modern house. I said, well, he's your godfather, so if something happens to me, then you. Well, I hope something happens to you.
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B
She did the math.
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C
Yeah, she did the math quickly. And I said, you know, listen, not going to argue with her on that one. You're probably right.
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B
Well, it's tough to argue with that logic. It is from a purely logical standpoint.
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C
Yeah. So let's see. We got some phone calls. We got some Baldiwood. We got some Dingo Boy as well. It's been a while now. Last time, just because I thought I was going insane last time we did Dingo Boy, I was talking to you guys about Jimmy Kimmel doing a voice. Siegfried and Roy or something close to it. I don't know. And then, because I thought I. Sigmund and Freud. Sigmund and Freud, right. And I said, jimmy did one of the voices. And then you guys were like, he didn't say anything. And I was like, God, I thought I said something. You know that feeling where you go, I thought I said something. But then two people said, you didn't say anything.
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B
My recollection is you said, jimmy did a voice, and I think my friend Ralph.
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C
Right, right. All right, I think we can play it for you. Just so you know I'm not going insane. Wait, can I. Yes.
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A
Can I say what I. What I think the confusion was you. I was asking you who did Jimmy, who did Sigmund and Freud? Because you said that Jimmy and Ralph were in there, but I was unclear. And then you thought you had said that Jimmy. Definitely you thought you had said that Jimmy did Sigmund or Freud. When. And I was like, no, I think that you said that Jimmy did these other voices.
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C
Right? That is correct. That's correct. And Brian heard the same thing, so they're both on the same page. This is a radio episode. Siegfried and Roy would be good, because I think Jimmy is either Siegfried or Roy.
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A
There you go.
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C
There you go. All right, so next time.
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D
Now.
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C
I said, I think so. That takes a little off it. And I was going nuts because that's what I thought I said. And I did basically say it, but I understand it was a Few minutes before we got to the actual bit. But Jimmy was one of those guys. Now we have the next one, which is Batman, I do believe. And I know my roommate Ralph Garman was Batman on this one, but I don't know which one Jimmy was. I'll probably be able to hear his voice. This is a bit we used to do back on Kevin and Bean circa 1995, I think. Jimmy used to produce all these things and edit all these things. I would write them. Jimmy would sort of half write them and. Well, let's just listen. For Dingo Boy was. And a couple corrections. The long version of the opening of Dingo Boy did not exist. It was only on the stage version. And for those who want to know, and the reason I figured it out. Dingo Boy took place in Australia originally. We decided to open it up. That was limiting. So it was found.
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B
Take them global.
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C
Yes, it was found by wild dingoes in the outback they lived in. His parents had been murdered. Now dingoes were his kin. Dingoes taught him hunting, and dingoes taught him pride. Dingoes made him diapers out of gopher hide. He grew into adulthood. His memory drifted back. His human nature told him it's time to leave the pack. Here's the Australian part. He searches every city. Queenstown. Oh, no, Melbourne, Queenstown and Perth. To find his parents killers and put them in the earth. So pretty standard stuff. Like I said, Kung Fu meets Incredible Hulk. Guy roams around town to town looking for the guy who killed his parents or did him wrong or whatever it is. Finding love along the way but having to move on. And it's a serial episodic situation. And I'll see if I can find out. I'll see if I hear Jimmy's voice in this. Jimmy would always lend his voice to two or three characters.
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A
Can I ask a question? Because for some reason I am burning up over this. Did you have him find that and play that now, days later to show that you were right or to show that we were wrong or just to, like, settle it? Because the weird thing is I had gone back and listened to it, but I guess I didn't go back far enough.
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C
I have a weird thing where I say to somebody, if I say to somebody, didn't I do this? And they go, you did not. And I go, I didn't do that. And then they go, you did not. And then I turn to the other person, I go, didn't I do that? And they go, nope, you did not. And then I walk out feeling like, hold your Ears, Brian. Like, I have a brain tumor. I go, like, what? I swear I did that. But if two sane people said I didn't do it, then maybe I didn't do it. So it drives me insane. But also, if you do this, whoever's listening goes, oh, I heard that. Or I didn't hear it. And you have to bring it around for them. Give the fuck.
- [18:06]
A
The weird thing, though, is that. And I'm sure that we all got the tweets. We got tweets from people saying that you hadn't. I mean, I think it. I think what threw people off was the amount of time in between when you said that and when we listened to it. It must have, because I know that I went back and listened to it and I was like, oh, I wasn't going crazy, but I was apparently.
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C
Well, it was about two minutes between the time I said. Which is a long time.
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A
At four minutes. That's half your life.
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C
Yes, if you are fruit fly. No, I didn't lead right into it and say it. That's why you were right. It wasn't leading into it that I said, that's Jimmy Kimmel. Or probably Jimmy Kimmel doing one of those voices. But that's why it registers in my mind and not in your mind.
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A
Right.
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C
All right.
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A
Okay.
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C
All right, we're ready. Strawberry me. Let's talk careers for a second. We all got to have a job, but what you really want is a career. Something that makes you feel like you're actually building something, not just clocking in and clocking out. I talked to Vincent over at Strawberry. Great guy, by the way. First rate people over there. Super nice, smart, and they actually care about helping you move forward. I know that firsthand because I talked to Vincent over there. Strawberry ME helps you go from stuck at work to feeling good about what you do. They'll match you with a career coach who gets your goals. You take a quick quiz and bam, you're on your way. They'll help you figure out what you want, what you're worth, and how to get there. Whether that's negotiating better pay, finding a new gig, or finally moving into something you care about. Head to Strawberry Me ACS to get 50% off your first week. It's your career. Take care of it. That's Strawberry me. Acs, stop settling. Start building the career you actually want.
- [20:33]
A
Did you know you can opt out of winter with VRBO? Save up to $1,500 for booking a month long stay when thousands of sunny homes are waiting for you. Why subject yourself to the cold.
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C
Put the snow shovel down, put the.
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A
Parka back in the closet.
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E
And don't you dare scrape another windshield.
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A
Slip into some flip flops. Consider a sunless tan and use the monthly stays filter to save up to $1,500. Book your warm getaway@vrbo.com.
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C
His parents had been murdered. Now dingoes are his kin. Dingoes taught him hunting and dingoes taught him pride. Dingoes made his diapers out of gopher hide. Run, run, dingo boy. Run, run, jingle boy. Jingle boy oh, run run, jingle boy. Welcome to the custom car and Van show. Jimmy. Sign outside say Batman here today. That's right. He's over there signing autographs by the cardboard cutout of the Batmobile. Batman must help Dingo Boy find man who killed parents. Well, he's gonna have to do it on his break. Actually, I wasn't walking up the building. The cape was held up by a wire.
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E
Yeah, yeah, great, great.
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C
Can you just tell me where the bathroom is? Batman?
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E
Yes?
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C
Do you want an autographed dog faced citizen? No. Must team up to find man who killed parents. Just as Bruce Wayne's parents were killed by a poor deluded fiend.
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E
Say no more, my canine friend.
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C
To the Batmobile. If I can pull this off, Tim Burton will have to take my phone calls. This Batmobile cleverly disguised as a 75 matador. We go to Bat Cave. We're on our way, old chum. Meanwhile, at stately West Manor, a one room apartment in Van Nuys. This no look like Bat Cave.
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E
Quite you are my furry friend.
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C
You see, the. The location of the Batcave is so.
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E
Secret, I myself have forgotten where it is.
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C
Where Robin. Robin can't squeeze his fat ass into the tights anymore. That's where Robin is. And get down off my sofa. Football is ringing. That's the secret hotline. Dingo Boy Wonder look like football to me.
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D
Hello?
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C
You don't say. You don't say. You don't say. Who was it? He didn't say. Alfred, stay off the drum kit. My apologies, sir. But he did tell me that the E. Channel wants me to guest host Talk Soup. I've got to get over there. No can go. Must help Dingo Boy Fetch killer of parents. Screw off, dog face. This is my career we're talking about. Batman is bad man. Oh, grow up. It was just a gig. So why don't you go somewhere and sniff your own feces? Pow. Real talk.
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D
Bite.
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C
Punch hard. Kapow.
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A
Nip.
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C
Say shout. Is this the end of our hero? Will Dingo boy find his parents killer. Or will he appear with Batman at the grand opening of the new Arby's in Covina? Tune in next week, Same dingo time, same dingo channel. Run, run, dingo boy. Run, run, jingle boy, jingle boy. Oh, run, run a jingle. Boring. Yeah. Dingo boy. I don't know how many. I only did about 15 or 20 of those back then.
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B
So was he part dingo? They referenced his dog looking.
- [24:43]
C
Oh, yeah.
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B
Oh, so he was. He had dingo DNA.
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C
Yeah. So little was one of these things where I know being raised by dingoes wouldn't make you look like a dingo, but it was one of those. It's called artistic license.
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B
But sometimes a dog looks like it looks like its owner.
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C
Yes, that's what it is. It looks like it's owners. Yeah, he had some dingo. He had some dingo in him. That was the good old days with the Great Jimmy Kimmel. DraftKings. That's the good new days, baby. Mm. DraftKings.com America's favorite one week fantasy football league. There you can get instant cash every week. Brian, how you hanging with DraftKings?
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B
I entered three contests last week and happy to say, won them all. Won every single one.
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C
Three for three. Wow.
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B
You will not. I didn't finish first place. I finished in the money in all three contests. I won in all three contestants. They're all double ups and I won them all. You will not be hearing the end of this anytime soon. But three for three last week.
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C
Three for three.
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B
I'm a fantasy football genius.
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C
No, no. One week fantasy football here. I should say one week fantasy football here. No season long commitments, no getting stuck with the same players. Just instant cash, instant gratification. DraftKings baby. Dawson. Right now, Adam. Carolla show listeners get up to $600 free. Use promo code Adam. And for every dollar you deposit, DraftKings will match it up to 600 bucks. That's 600 bucks totally free. Hurry. This amazing offer expires this Friday. Enter Adam today@draftkings.com DraftKings.com all right, let's see. You have. What movie are you going to review?
- [26:28]
B
Captain Phillips. Tom Hanks new movie.
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C
Captain Phillips interested in that Pasadena ice house tomorrow with Rich Eisen. 40 minutes of goalpost talk with him. You talk too much, bevmo. By the way, Mangria now available at most the bevmos. At least California and Washington state ones. And that's good times. And. And going to be down at the one November 1st in Glendora doing a Little signing. Pussy lips. Ah, new ringtone. Everyone's going nuts for pussy lips. And Mangria. Mangria. Night football at Barney's Beanery, West Hollywood to come out and try some Mangria. Say hi and see the Mangria girls. All right.
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A
I like how you said pussy lips. Almost like it was a question the first time.
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C
Pussy lips. Pussy lips. Pussy lips. All right, let's hop to the phones and then we'll do a review and then we'll bring Tito and company in here. Let's see, let's just hop to the top here. Javi, Javi, what's going on there? Javi, 30 from San Antonio. Yeah, I'm doing great. Listen, I finally got around to seeing Exporting Raymond and that was a brilliant and funny documentary that I love. I thought it was funny too. Yeah. Phil Rosenthal had to bring Ray Romano's show Everyone Loves Raymond to Russia. And he got, you know that part where he's sitting with like the cute 24 year old wardrobe chick and she's like, I think it would be. I think she should be wearing a ball gown and. And feels like she's cooking breakfast for the family on a Monday morning. But wouldn't she look better in a ball gown? Yes, she would look better, but it wouldn't look realistic, her cooking breakfast in a ball gown. Don't you want it to look good? That's kind of where we're at. It's this sort of. Hold on a second. This fucking whatever by committee. You know, there's. I complain about the New World Order that we've created. One of the World Orders that we've created is nobody's a fucking expert. That's your opinion. That's my opinion. Her opinion, his opinion. It's the same as your opinion says. You will have to agree to disagree. Fuck you. People can be experts at shit. People can be experts at science. They can be experts at plastic surgery, they can be experts at flying airplanes. They can be experts at carpentry. They can be. And they can be experts at comedy. You have a wealth of experience, many years, maybe you have a natural aptitude for it. And then you have years and years and years of experience in the field. And thus you're much better qualified to make decisions than other people are. As it pertains to this. Look, we can have food experts and wine experts and even cigar experts. Why can't we have comedy experts? In comedy and in many other things? And we've decided again, it's part of the New World Order that's your opinion? I've said a million times. The only thing I miss about carpentry is saying to people, do you know the difference between a rabbit and a dado joint? No. Then shut the fuck up, bitch. Because you don't know shit. You don't know what you're doing. You don't know the difference. You don't know what a solid core door is. You don't know what the two hour burn time is on the door. You don't know what a pneumatic door closer is. You don't know what the butt side is. And the strike side is you don't know shit. So shut the fuck up.
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B
I'm still gonna have to issue you this parking ticket, Mr. Carrel.
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C
I don't know. Shut the fuck up. You don't know. They don't know. They don't know the nailing schedule on Sheerwell. They don't know any of that shit. It's all in my fucking head. They don't know roundover bit. They don't know a cove bit. They don't know Roman OG bit. They don't know a chamfer bit. They don't know anything and they can't argue. But in comedy, they can go, I like Murphy Brown.
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A
Do you know the difference between a giggle and a chuckle and a titter and a guffaw?
- [30:35]
C
That's the point. Everyone's an expert and you can't take it away from them. And like I said, the only thing I miss about Carpenter is no one can go, well, in my heart, I know more about carpentry than you do, and you can't take that away from me. Like, no, you can't. You have to listen to me because you don't know what's thicker. You don't know if number six rebar is thicker, number four rebar is thicker, or number two rebar thicker. And if you do, then I'll give you gauges of wire and it'll fuck your shit up.
- [31:03]
A
Which one is thicker?
- [31:04]
C
You don't know. It's weird because gauge moves the opposite direction, meaning the higher the gauge, the thinner. And in rebar, it goes the other way. Number four rebar is half inch. It's an eighth inch, a increment, but either way, wow. You don't get a lot of arguments in that. In comedy, you get tons and tons of arguments from dumb people. So where were we? Oh, yeah, Javi, what were we talking about? Yeah, so I finally saw it and what I think I love most about.
- [31:36]
B
It is I was able to finally.
- [31:37]
C
See the things that you talk about so much on this show where you're trying to do something well, you're trying to do the job right. And so many people are just getting in the way. Making it more difficult either because for whatever reason. Yeah. You have the guy who created Everyone Loves Raymond and he's arguing with people from Russia about how to execute his.
- [32:02]
B
Product, how to construct it.
- [32:04]
C
Yeah. They know better than he does. And they do a lot of compartmentalizing stuff where they go, like, look, I didn't. I don't know jokes, but I do know wardrobe and she should be wearing a ball gown. Yes. I've been pretty lucky in that I don't have to deal with that too much. But I have. I have shot for you, shot, shot photographs for you at a Dennis Prager show. And you know, the one time that I'm associated in my work with Adam Farholla, I have to go through this stuff. It was in Houston, it was at the House of Blues. And it should have been very simple. My name on the list, get in, shoot the photograph, get backstage to take the pictures. But there were so many people getting in the way of doing this. Right. That so many things got in the way. And so I'm wondering, like, if Ball Zine and Allison ever go through this stuff. Because the one time I worked with you, I had people making my life miserable. And for some reason I. Alright. Do you guys ever go through this stuff?
- [33:06]
A
Well, I will say that I'm keenly aware of it now when it happens.
- [33:11]
C
Yes.
- [33:11]
A
Like, I'm so aware of this dynamic after working with you, Brian.
- [33:16]
B
Not nearly as much as you. Although, remember I mentioned my editor for the book was so great, he came up with a great title, a great cover. Like, so I'm. Luckily, the people I work with are mostly very good. As long as we're on the subject. By the way, did you watch Phil's documentary, the new one?
- [33:31]
C
I've not seen the new foodie one yet. I just got that.
- [33:36]
B
It comes out on Friday. It's excellent. It's called Spinning Place. You should watch it. You have it at your house. It's really, really good.
- [33:42]
C
I'm aware that I have it in my home. It's burning a whole lot of negligent and watching it. Yeah, I shall. For those who are listening, it's been two and a half days, but I will watch Phil's one just like I watch. There's nothing better than a documentary. And it's nice to know that it doesn't matter what level you're at. Phil Rosenthal is exquisitely well to do. And Everyone Loves Raymond is, I don't know, probably in the top five or eight sitcoms, maybe top 10 of all time in terms of money generated and successful, whatever. And it's nice to know that when he travels and tries to tell people about his sitcom, they don't fucking listen to him either, which is lovely to know. And that when he goes into a network and tries to pitch a new sitcom, they don't listen to him either.
- [34:34]
A
It kind of makes you. I guess, I'm beginning to have a greater understanding for why people pitch fits and act like assholes in Hollywood, because otherwise you are going to be pushed around by idiots.
- [34:47]
C
Well. Or you'll get pushed around and you'll pitch fits. I mean, Jim, if Jimmy Kimmel and myself went to Comedy Central to pitch a new comedy idea, we would get about the same. We'd get about the same courtesy afforded to Dawson and Gary Haftart. That's basically where we're at now. I'm not exaggerating. I've been in it, and that's why I've had these meetings where I've told the people they were dumb and they were missing out, they're fucking idiots and stuff like that. Always said, why are you telling these people they're idiots? Because I've said they're not gonna pick up whatever show we're floating anyway, so why not?
- [35:31]
A
So they may as well have some fun.
- [35:32]
C
Might as well fuck with them.
- [35:33]
B
And they'll be gone. They won't be there in a year.
- [35:35]
C
They won't be there in a year. Or at most, 18 months. All right, let's see if we can take another phone call here. Oh, is that Chrissy? Weird. Chrissy. Chrissy. What's going on? Pittsburgh? Adam, I'm concerned. Are you having a happy life? I don't know what to compare it to. My last four lives, Terri Schiavo's life. I don't know what to compare it to. I'm not interested in happy. I'm interested in satisfied. But as an atheist, you only have one life. Like, why live your life being pissed off at people, driving slow and such? You know, there's a balance. The balance is you back off that part and you can back your way right into a love seat and never leave again? And then there's a part. There's a balance. All right, hold on a second. You have to be motivated in life. There's things you want to do, and then there's the hey, man, relax. Well, let me tell you, if you want to do stuff, life's a hassle. It's a hassle. If you want to do things. We work all last weekend, we were very busy and running around, and it was a hectic time. And then this weekend, I went down to Fontana, to the Fontana speedway, and I sat down with Mario andretti and a few other names and I interviewed them for this Paul Newman documentary I'm doing, since he drove for newman when he was doing. And Newman was a big fan of Mario andretti and so on and so forth. But what do you want to do? Well, I want to do this Newman documentary. Okay. Who fits into this Newman documentary? Well, Mario andretti does, and he's obviously one of the biggest names in motorsports, and he also had a very close relationship with Paul newman. He drove for his team, and they were good personal friends, so on and so forth. So now you have to weigh, well, what do you want to do? Well, I want to do a document. Well, what else do you want to do? I'm gonna stay home, beat off, and take a nap. Okay. How long is Mario andretti gonna be in town? And is he gonna come to your house when you're in your refractory period? Can you interview Mario andretti? No, he's going to Fontana. He's there for testing and qualifying on a Friday, and then the weekend, and then he'll fly back to Indianapolis or wherever he lives and that you better beat off before. That's right. Do it Thursday night and go down. And again, you worked last weekend. Well, it's time to work this weekend. And are you happy about it? I don't know if the word is happy. The word is satisfied. I was satisfied to talk to. It was satisfying to walk into his trailer and have Mario andretti, a guy who I've never met, whose name I've heard since I was nine, come into the trailer and go, hey, Adam, how you doing? And I'm sure somebody told him moments before to say, hey, Adam. And if they'd said say, hey, Alan, he would have said that.
- [38:35]
B
He licks his hand.
- [38:36]
C
Hey, yeah. Hey, Adam. But he walked in. He was a delight. And I interviewed Mario andretti, and I was happy that I did. And then Saturday, it was time to head out, by the way, back down the 210 to Irvine. That's the direction we go, by the way, just to deal with the traffic. And I was kidding with Mike August as we were driving Saturday morning out to irvine to go to bevmo. Oh, it's so delightful to be back on the 210 and heading out of town again. But that's what I've chose to do. And people are there and they're friendly and they bring donuts. And at Dawson, some guy brought a bunch of pot brownies. Good pot brownies. Where are they? They're in my trunk. They said, give them to Dawson. I said, done and done.
- [39:18]
B
You said, who's Dawson?
- [39:20]
C
Yeah. Is it fun? No. Fun is fleeting. Fun is empty calories. Fun to me are pixy sticks. I want some meat on the bone of life. And do you balance it against being tired, frustrated, or what have you? Yeah. Because whenever you do these endeavors, things get frustrating. You don't get your credentials. You have to wait on people. There's equipment issues, there's crew issues. There's all sorts of issues that go along. Ask anyone who's ever designed and built an airplane if there wasn't a whole bunch of setbacks and a whole bunch of troubles, and once in a while, test pilots die. But we do want airplanes, right? And the guys do want to look back at their lives and go, yeah, that's what I've done. But then Sunday rolls along and rolls around, I take my kids out to watch football and have a good time with them. So balance, Chrissy. Okay. Yes, Well, I agree with you 100%, but you are fragmented. Of course, you're Adam, you're a genius, but you're fragmenting. Instead of reacting to these people in a negative way, an angry way, you could react in more of a silly way. I accept that idiots are idiots. I accept that people are going to have their bare feet out. I accept that people are going to keep the law and people are going to be stupid and sort of choose to be happier about it. Happy about traveling with dogs all over the plane or people using their bare feet to shut the light on the overhead of their seat on and off at the bare tootsies. I should rejoice.
- [41:02]
B
I think Chris has been celebrating the Steelers victory today.
- [41:05]
C
Happy about it, not happy about it, but accepting of it. You can choose your own happiness, Adam. You're in charge of your own happiness. You're in charge. Listen. All right, hold on. God damn it. Hey, Chrissy. We should have, as Americans, just accepted Germans exterminating Jews in World War II. Just accept it. We don't have to be happy about it. Just accept it. Just sit back and accept. Accept it. Accept it. Exactly. That's right. Yes. Japan is marching into China and taking comfort women and enslaving people. Let's just accept it. You don't have to be happy about it. Let's just tolerate it. Let's just tolerate everyone. Just tolerate everything. Be happy or accept it. Just accept it. Just accept it. If we let gays marry, then people will be marrying turkey. Adam, you know that that's an extreme example, and that's not.
- [41:58]
E
Hold on.
- [41:59]
C
You get to marry turkeys? I'm in. Is there a separate jive turkey or is that. They just make that up on good times? I'm not sure. But, you know, you just accept. Not a slippery slope in your everyday life. Listen, no, everybody is not supposed to just accept everything. Part of the problems. We'll get back. You know, you bring up this stuff, I'll finish it off. The reason we have a problem with dogs at every restaurant, on every airplane, every airport, and every public space now is because everyone sat back and didn't judge. We sit up and start judging. This stuff does go away. Yes. So what are you saying? Accept or don't accept? This is why I tell everyone, judge and be judged. You know, go ahead and judge me. Yes, we should judge and be judged, but from a point of love. What should we have done with World War II? Judge from a point of love? No, obviously not. Well, why not? Why not? There was that. Is that okay to break your rule then? Yeah, it's okay to break my rule there. But when you're dealing with regular people, these people are idiots. Germans are regular people. People in bare feet are regular people. They're just. Just work around them. Don't be so annoyed by them. Now, listen, look, I've said it once, said a million times, somebody's trying to turn left from the middle lane. If you sit back and just go, hey, man, don't judge. Let the person do their thing. They've miscalculated. They needed to turn left. They've somehow realized it very late in the game, and now they're going to stop traffic to turn left. If we all don't judge, then we create more of those people that are going to turn left from the middle lane. If we all start judging by leaning on the horn, then we shame those people into going straight, turning left, and coming back around and figuring it out. It's our job for everyone who throws gum out of the window of their car, or everyone who turns left from the middle lane, or everyone who puts their bare feet up on the on, off, switch on the light above their row when they're flying. Yeah, it's up to all of us to Start judging. It stops them from doing that behavior. You lean on your horn, the person goes straight. That's what happens. Judge everyone, start judging. Don't just let it roll off your shoulder and go, nah, it doesn't exist. Moving on.
- [44:34]
B
I agree with you. But devil's advocate, isn't there something to just letting it go? Unless if it severely impacts your day, if you lose a job because you're late or something. But if it's going to make you five minutes late to get home, I mean, is life too short? Is there something to letting it go?
- [44:50]
C
Life's too short not to honk.
- [44:51]
B
I agree.
- [44:52]
C
That's my point. My point is I lean on the horn, those people turn. I feel whatever it is as strongly as anyone feels about any moral act in life. There's a lot of people out there that feel that way about big time farming, ranching, what have you. You know what I mean? Oh, those cattle, they're not treated correctly. And you don't eat at McDonald's because of that. You have those feelings. You have your things about kids, things about pets, things about whatever. Good. Let it expand to every facet of your life. And the more of those warriors we can create, the better.
- [45:34]
A
You're an activist.
- [45:35]
C
That's right. I'm an actorvist.
- [45:37]
A
Wow.
- [45:38]
C
Mm.
- [45:39]
A
The other day I saw someone doing that, trying to make a U turn from the middle lane, holding up traffic maneuver. And everyone was honking at this person and they still weren't going. And I was like, how is that possible? I feel embarrassed on their behalf. I'm so uncomfortable for that person.
- [45:54]
C
I agree. And I'll tell you who else I'm uncomfortable for. The people who don't go to National Academy of Sports Medicine. I'm embarrassed for you. They got a huge offer, The National Academy of Sports Medicine. It's giving you a chance to launch your career with no payments until 2014. That's like nine years away, right?
- [46:14]
B
Feels like it.
- [46:14]
C
Arturo Gotti is still alive in my mind. Offer is going to end soon. Get your certification, your CPT certification. They guarantee you'll land a job within 60 days or your money back.
- [46:28]
D
Mm.
- [46:30]
C
That's right. National Academy of Sports Medicine personal trainers. They're high in demand now. You got your chance to land your dream job. Work in the fitness industry. I used to work in the fitness industry. Look at me. I demanded perfection from my students. I honked every time they dropped their right when they stuck their jab out there. Visit USATrainer.com and get started today. One time a one time fee applies. Visit USATrainer.Com for details. That's USATrainer.com all right, baldy, we got Bjorn Rebny and Tito Ortiz. Legendary MMA artist Tito Ortiz in next. I brought my focus pads. I may, may hold him for the man you got. Hooray for Baldiwood.
- [47:21]
B
Yeah, Captain Phillips.
- [47:22]
C
Let's do that. And then we'll bring in our guest. Hooray for Bollywood. He will tell you if a movie's good. Brian will review the flicks that he's seen up on the big screen or in his Netflix. Netflix Q. Before you spend bucks, remember his taste sucks. He loved that train wreck piece of Transformers to hooray for Bowdy War.
- [47:55]
B
Yes. Captain Phillips in theaters now. Directed by Paul Greengrass. You may know him, he's a really good director of thrillers, action, suspenseful type movies. He did United 93, which I don't know if you guys saw in the last two Bourne movies. Matt Damon, Batman.
- [48:09]
C
Yes.
- [48:10]
B
The Supremacy in the Ultimatum. Really good. You know, tense filmmaker. Not he himself, but his films. This is Tom Hanks is Captain Richard Phillips, the guy whose book the movie is based on. Captain's Duty, published in 2010, where the ship was taken over by Somali pirates. And that's the story of the movies, the true story. American cargo ship gets hijacked by Somali pirates off the coast of Africa and the ensuing takeover and hostage situation.
- [48:34]
C
Can you answer me this? How do they expect to get away with it? Is it an international waters thing? Is it a Somali waters thing? It would seem like, well, you're holding this huge ship for ransom, but how are you ever going to make your escape from this huge ship? We have the US Navy. How is that physically going to work? Like, I understand the hijack a plane, fly to Cuba because Cuba's cool with your activities, but you're on this 700 foot container ship. How you ever, let's say you get the money, how are you gonna get back in your dinghy and get the hell out of there without getting pulled over by the Coast Guard?
- [49:16]
B
They are, they do address. They are in international waters. And I think they never address the actual escape plan like what the plan was. But I assume they do mention that, oh, you know, you're. We're gonna hold you captive until the insurance man comes. The insurance man's gonna come and pay us our millions of dollars and then I assume they're going to get in. In this movie, a lifeboat plays a very big part about half the movies inside this lifeboat. It's kind of A mini submarine. It's like enclosed and bulletproof and all that stuff. So I assumed that was going to figure into their escape plan.
- [49:43]
C
All right.
- [49:44]
B
This is a really, really good movie. It's. It's long. It's 2 hours and 15 minutes, but never drags. It totally holds your interest throughout. There's some controversy because apparently Captain Phillips was not that great of a guy. According to some of his.
- [49:58]
C
No, captains are good guys.
- [50:01]
B
You think Captain Sully's got some skeletons in his closet?
- [50:03]
A
He has to.
- [50:04]
C
First off, they always drink skeletons. They're always big drinkers and they're always douchey to whoever's on the ship. But you have to be douchey when you're a captain. It is one of those.
- [50:14]
A
It's the main job requirement.
- [50:16]
C
Yes. It's right at the top of the list. No, essentially people. If you don't yell at everyone, people die. It's one of those things.
- [50:23]
A
Captain Stubing.
- [50:24]
C
Stubing was just. He was a paper captain.
- [50:28]
B
He was a figurehead.
- [50:29]
C
Yeah. He wore knee high sanitary socks and white shoes.
- [50:33]
B
This. Yeah. According to some of his crew, he was maybe allegedly a reckless asshole who. The only reason they got boarded by pirates because he insisted on going too close to the coast and in like pirate waters because. To save some money.
- [50:47]
C
Sure.
- [50:48]
B
You know, so they wouldn't go too far away and burn too much fuel.
- [50:50]
C
Yeah. Right.
- [50:51]
B
So that was alleged. But there's probably a lot of comparisons to United 93, which is one of those movies. Remember I talked a couple weeks ago, Good movies you never want to see again.
- [50:59]
C
Yes, that's a.
- [51:00]
B
That's a good movie. I have no desire to ever see it again. This one I could watch again. It was white knuckle. The whole second half was very tense. And Tom Hanks, he is really fantastic. And it's so cool to see. There are a number of a list stars from maybe the 90s or that era who let's. I wouldn't say sold out, but they're doing projects that aren't indicative of how great they are. Maybe they're a movie called Last Vegas, for example, or something like that. And Tom Hanks is in great movies and is great in great movies. I wouldn't be shocked if he got an Oscar nomination.
- [51:29]
C
Wow.
- [51:30]
B
He's so good in this movie.
- [51:31]
C
I heard his dialect was a little weird. Is that true?
- [51:33]
B
Yeah, it's a Vermont. It's a Vermont New England accent. And I would imagine people from that region would be like, that's not how it sounds.
- [51:39]
C
Right.
- [51:39]
B
I don't know enough about it.
- [51:41]
C
It's a great movie, a really good movie.
- [51:43]
B
Enjoyed it very much. And to the. To the asshole captain thing in real life, if that's true, I don't know how you guys feel, but if it's a good movie, I don't mind you moving around some facts, because it's gonna be a great film. If it's a documentary, it's a different story. But they're making a movie.
- [51:56]
C
I was. I do and I don't. Which was. I don't give a shit. Cause I'm entertained. But I watch Rush, and I enjoyed Rush quite a bit. And then I sat down with Mario Andretti, whose name quickly came up on the loudspeaker in the big sort of pivotal race in the F1 race in Japan that was going to make or break the 1976 F1 season.
- [52:26]
B
I didn't know those guys personally.
- [52:27]
C
Obviously, he drove that race. It was a weird thing because he said to me, yeah, I ran that race, and, yeah, I won that race. And not only did I win that race, I lapped both those kind. Well, Niki Latta pulled over, and James Hunt was in it, but he lapped James Hunt. And then when they looked up at this sort of leaderboard, they went from second place down, they left Mario. So you have to look at it this way. If you were part of that race and you won that race and you lapped the guy who the movie was about, and your name was just sort of nicely cut out of the whole story, there was a lot of like, oh, Mario Andretti's back out of the pits. There's a couple little moments like that, but not a part where Mario Andretti wins the race, laps the hero, and is at the top of the leaderboard. And he said to me, I don't know if Ron Howard has something against me or what the deal is. And I just thought, I don't think he has anything against you. It doesn't help the story.
- [53:25]
B
It makes for a better story the way it. They didn't rewrite history, but they definitely.
- [53:31]
C
Did around it. Nobody wants to hear that the hero of the story and the guy who won the F1 championship in 1976 was lapped in the pivotal race by you. That's not. Doesn't make for a great hero story. So we'll just sort of conveniently leave it out. We won't say you won the race. That would be lying. We'll just leave out the part where you're at the top of the leaderboard. But it was funny sitting with that guy.
- [53:58]
B
That's funny.
- [53:59]
C
You didn't know that for a reason.
- [54:01]
B
Yeah.
- [54:01]
C
Obviously Mario would. Would tell you otherwise, so.
- [54:05]
B
Captain Phillips, really good. A really, really well made white knuckle fill ride. I recommend you guys see it. A minus.
- [54:09]
C
Good movie.
- [54:11]
A
Would you recommend this or Gravity first?
- [54:12]
B
Gravity. Gravity is a better movie. And actually this people ask all the time, do I need to see it in theaters? Should I rent it? This one, Captain Phillips, you could rent it. It's a solid movie and I don't think it loses much not being on the big, big screen. So solid movie. I like.
- [54:27]
C
Hooray for Bounty War. All right, Brian, hold on to your pull ups. But I had this thing with gravity. Lynette had the same thing.
- [54:41]
B
You guys saw it?
- [54:42]
C
Yes. Allison, want to prepare you for something.
- [54:46]
A
Okay.
- [54:47]
C
An incredible visual feat. Dialogue seemed like it was written by a 14 year old.
- [54:54]
B
You're the second person I know who.
- [54:55]
C
Said that to me. And then I said that in front of Matt the Porcelain Punisher Finaleer. And he said, yeah. Dialogue seemed very like out of a comic book dialogue. Like not bad, just very on the nose and cliche. Very on the nose. Very. Just sort of push it along.
- [55:12]
B
And some of it was unnecessary. I didn't feel like Sandra Bullock, as the only person on screen for a lot of the movie, needed to talk to herself quite so much.
- [55:19]
C
Yeah. So it was a weird thing where it was like an incredible visual accomplishment and you've never seen anything like it. And to the point where when I was driving around with Pete in the Porsche, while Mike August was eating sirloin steak in the back of the guy's Porsche.
- [55:38]
A
Attractive, competent, geek.
- [55:40]
C
He was saying him and his cohorts who work in the space program were trying to figure out how they filmed it. And anytime you have guys who work in that industry trying to figure out how they film something, I think there.
- [55:50]
A
Were like 200 people worked on every single cell or something of that movie.
- [55:55]
C
Unbelievable. But the dialogue sort of out of a episode of CSI or something like.
- [56:04]
A
That and saw bring earplugs.
- [56:06]
C
Kind of pedestrian and very on the nose. And it just. It makes me wonder if when you start focusing on one realm of something, you know, when you make a movie like Sideways, you're like, oh, everything that leaves this guy. Paul Giamatti's mouth better be good. Because that's all we got. All we got is a balding, middle aged guy driving around a Volvo like, we better have something. Or sob. We better have something good. But when you get into those visuals, you just sort of. You lose it a little bit. It's like. There's an element of like, well, look what's going on visually. What do we. We just got to support this.
- [56:41]
B
I agree with you. I think if there's one other factor, it's that the director, he wrote it with his brother, and they're both from.
- [56:47]
C
Mexico and they're both son or brother. Oh, is it son?
- [56:50]
B
Oh, sorry. It had the same last name I assumed Brother.
- [56:53]
C
Sorry, But I thought it was his son.
- [56:55]
B
The two writers are from Mexico, and I wonder if there's a sort of a language, you know what I mean? They don't quite know the sharpness of the, you know, witty English, rapport, dialect, that kind of stuff.
- [57:04]
C
When Jimmy and I went to the batting cage after doing an episode of Dingo Boy one one morning on kroc, we used to go to batting cages. Like, It'd be like 11 in the morning. The only good thing about doing morning radio is you're done at 11am and you go, you want to eat or you want to go to the batting cage or both. And you put in your full day's work and it's time to go to. Went to the batting cage and passed a video game. And it was called Violence Fight.
- [57:28]
B
It's like a literal translation of a Japanese.
- [57:30]
C
And I realized, yeah, whatever part of Asia this was created in, that made perfect sense to them. It's just a subtle thing. We don't do it. We wouldn't say it that way here, but it sounds good to them. And I realize that's a translation issue. And you're right. Maybe there was a just sort of on the nose translation issue. It's not distracting, not bad. It's just very on the nose with the dialogue versus a movie that's visually just insanely compelling. All right, we're going to take a quick break. We'll bring our guests in. Well, that's it. Tito Ortiz, Bjorn Remney, both here. Tito's going up against Quentin Rampage Jackson. And that is coming up November 2nd pay per view. I think I saw a spot for that today, watching football somewhere. That's going to be a. It's going to be a good fight. I don't know what the. I don't know what Vegas is saying.
- [58:25]
D
Underestimate it. It's going to be a great.
- [58:27]
C
It's going to be a great fight. I don't know what. I don't know what Vegas has odds wise on that.
- [58:31]
D
I think I'm the Underdog, are you?
- [58:33]
C
Yeah.
- [58:33]
D
A lot of my fans are going to make a lot of money that night.
- [58:36]
C
Last time I saw you fight, you're fighting Forest Griffith. Yep. And I find. I thought you won that fight against Forest Griffin. I. It was a close fight. It was a good fight, but I thought you won that fight. It was a split decision and you didn't win that fight?
- [58:52]
D
No, it was a unanimous decision.
- [58:54]
C
Was it unanimous?
- [58:56]
D
I was just.
- [58:57]
C
I wouldn't have said anything, but it said on my card that half tarred, now 5, 8 tarred. Gary wrote split decision. Why did you feel like you won that fight?
- [59:07]
D
I knew I won that fight. I. I don't know. You drop a guy twice, you take him down four times. Fourth round, or, excuse me, third round, you pretty much finish the whole round on top by ground and pounding him. He gets to his feet the last 30 seconds on, all of a sudden, he wins that round. It never made any sense to me.
- [59:24]
C
To be fair. Forrest is nuts. And I think after the fight said some good things about you or. I can't remember what he said, but he does.
- [59:32]
D
He pretty much took over the mic.
- [59:33]
C
He is.
- [59:34]
D
First he ran out of the octagon.
- [59:35]
E
He is.
- [59:36]
D
Dana White went and chased him down and he come running back in the octagon. And then they said he was the winner. And then he grabbed the mic and thought he had interviewed me for my last fight. At the time, in my mind, I thought it was.
- [59:45]
C
But he's kind of nature boy, right?
- [59:47]
D
Like, he's kind of a retarded nature boy. Yes, you're right.
- [59:50]
C
You know, when I say nature boy, retarded is implied.
- [59:53]
D
Okay, well, that's. I'll imply it so the listeners can understand the.
- [59:58]
C
And also, I was thinking about it as I was watching. I was watching the fights over the weekend. They interview these guys straight after the fight, you know, and they go, what do you think? What's the career? Who do you want next? Are you going to retire if they lose? It's. Are you going to retire if they're over 30? And if they win, it's who do you want next? You don't understand what it's like being pounded in the head for long periods of time. Your decision making is not what it could be, and you're out of breath. And that is the worst time. It's like you drinking a 17 pack of beer and going, who do you want to have sex with? And you're like, there's actually been a lot of Sophia Loren.
- [60:35]
D
There's been a Lot of classes. Been after the fight that I've been interviewed, and it's actually. I'm so in the moment, and it was like, you're so heartfelt, and everything just comes off the. Off your shoulder. And it's not like nothing premeditated, so it's just. It's easier.
- [60:47]
C
It's a natural state. But also, when you've had your bell rung, you're not quite in your right state of mind. Like, literally getting hit. I don't know. Just from the little boxing I've done, you're not right for a number of days sometimes, right? A couple days, yeah.
- [61:04]
D
Yeah. I was hearing you guys talk about marijuana brownies, and that's kind of what it's like. Yeah, that's true. Very true.
- [61:10]
C
Bjorn, where do you fit into this mess?
- [61:13]
F
I fit into the mess. I'm promoting the show. I run Bellator mma, which is a Viacom company. We've got a show on Spike that we do every Friday night, and I was lucky enough to meet Tito. God, what.
- [61:25]
C
What is the show that you do Friday night?
- [61:26]
F
It's a fight show. Bellator MMA on Spike. We do two hours of live fights almost every Friday night.
- [61:31]
C
Yes. I think I. I think that's one of my many MMA fight shows.
- [61:36]
F
There's us and the UFC are basically the two plays out there for cable TV and MMA. But I met this guy about 10 years ago. I've known Rampage for a while. It was a fight that I always wanted to see as a fan because he fought everybody else. He fought Chuck, he felt randy, he fought everybody else. You could fight, but he never fought Rampage. And if you're a fan of this sport, you know, the Mount Rushmore of MMA has got him on it and Rampage on it. It's got Chuck on it, and it's got Randy on it. And I just figured this was a fight that I always wanted to see as a fan. And then I was finally in a position as a CEO and chairman of a company like this where I can make it happen. So we put it together.
- [62:05]
C
I saw Dana White interviewed recently, and I think they had a picture of you, Tito, on there. And I can't figure out Dana White. There's a part of me that likes him because he seems like an incredibly straight shooter. He just says whatever he wants all the time and doesn't seem to edit himself at all, which I like. When people are being interviewed, as you know, you ask Bill Belichick what the injury report is, and you get no answer out of the guy. Dana White. You get plenty of answers out of the guy. But then on the other hand, there's a lot of people I like that don't like Dana White. Where are you with Dana White, Tito?
- [62:40]
D
It's behind me. He's a person who's. You say you like him because he's true. He plays a good character.
- [62:47]
C
Oh, really?
- [62:48]
A
So you guys are close.
- [62:50]
D
Used to be a long time ago. When. Before his head got as big as it is now because of money changes the man.
- [62:56]
C
Of course.
- [62:57]
D
You know, celebrities changes the man. And it's done that for him and good luck to him.
- [63:02]
C
What was what when you got started? Well, not started. He was my manager, say mid career. Yeah. What was a good purse back in the day?
- [63:10]
D
A good purse back in the day was 150,000.
- [63:15]
C
Right.
- [63:16]
D
Back in the day, I mean I was.
- [63:17]
C
What's Jon Jones making now? Or what did.
- [63:21]
D
Probably an average of maybe three million.
- [63:22]
C
Three million plus.
- [63:23]
D
That's including pay per view. I mean the beginning, right off the beginning, maybe 500. But I know he really gets pay per view and pay for numbers. I mean they get maybe a dollar two.
- [63:34]
C
And what about. Let's see, who's the recent heavyweights that just went at it, See, just last weekend. I can't think of the guys names.
- [63:44]
F
Easy to forget.
- [63:47]
D
All these names are easy to forget.
- [63:48]
C
Unless they're super smart. Well, and Tito. And you know, I'm always. I'm amazed. Here's where you're going to come in and fold Allison, the weight cutting part. She got a wedding coming up, so she's got to cut weight.
- [64:01]
A
Thank you.
- [64:01]
D
It's wonderful.
- [64:02]
C
Well, that's the way it goes. She doesn't have to. I've said many times, people to bulk up for the wedding. That's as tradition would have it. Bulk up for the wedding. Then go back and look at the pictures and go, huh. Hey, hey, look at me now. Everyone cuts weight for the wedding. It's American tradition, you guys. I see guys who fight at 146, they enter the ring at 160. Like that much weight in 24 hours. And now all that is hydration. What do you walk around at weight wise?
- [64:37]
D
Right now I'm 228.
- [64:38]
C
228 fight at 205.
- [64:40]
D
Yes.
- [64:41]
A
And what would you get married at?
- [64:43]
D
I will never get married again.
- [64:45]
C
If you're fighting down the aisle. Punching down the aisle.
- [64:47]
D
Yeah. Thank God I would have to make weight or anything because that won't happen ever again.
- [64:52]
C
20 pounds is a lot of Weight and these guys do. And the other thing that's I'll do in three days.
- [64:59]
A
How do you do it?
- [64:59]
C
Three days?
- [65:00]
D
Just water weight, Strictly water weight. I mean, I've been really cutting weight since I've been a sophomore in high school. And it's just a really scientific method that I do that I've been doing since wrestling in high school that I know when I'm on weight, like I'll be running with my sauna suit on and just running it off. And then I'll go, okay, I'm about 206 right now. And I'll go and I'll check and it'll be 206 on the dot. I mean, it's just, your mind just fills it. Your body feels it. It's just one of those things, you know how much you weigh.
- [65:25]
A
So you just sweat it out, Sweat it out.
- [65:27]
C
It's all water weight. The thing that's absolutely insane about it is I did a boxing movie with Jeff. Left Hook Lacey, I think it was. Jeff left. Yeah, Left Hook Lacey. And he fights at 168. And I saw him, he was standing around with his shirt off. And I said, what do you weigh right now? He's like 195, 200. And he was cut like. He's built like he's a brick shithouse, that guy. And I'm like, how do we get £25 off of this? You're looking at a guy who has six pack abs at 200 pounds. Where's the, where does 25 pounds go? It's all just, all just water weight.
- [66:02]
A
How dangerous is that?
- [66:02]
D
It's like 60% of our body is water. So I mean, it's all water weight. It's dangerous. It's dangerous if you're not in shape. If you're in great shape, it's easy. The better shape you're in, the easier it becomes.
- [66:12]
C
Do you cut it? Is it 24 hours before or approximately 24 hours? Three days?
- [66:19]
D
Well, no, I threw a three day.
- [66:21]
C
Yeah, you cut it over three days. But you have to, you weigh in the day before, right?
- [66:25]
D
When I fight, I'll be 230. I'll put on a couple extra pounds.
- [66:29]
C
And where will Rampage be? About same.
- [66:32]
D
I think he'll probably be a little heavier. He cuts a lot. I don't know. I seen him, God, three weeks ago and he was like 240. So the more weight he cuts, the better for me because that means I'll be able to press his heart even harder. I'll push him even harder. This is a great analogy as a wet blanket. Yeah, like trying to get out from a wet blanket. And hard, heavy it is. That's what it'll be like for him.
- [66:57]
C
He's. I guess he's a guy likes to stand and bang.
- [67:02]
D
Likes to stand and bang. I gotta understand. Our first eight years of our career, we trained with each other every day.
- [67:07]
C
Oh, you did?
- [67:08]
D
We sparred with each other. We hit mitts with each other. We ran stairs with each other. I know how hard he works. I know what he puts into it. We wrestled with each other. We did jiu jitsu with each other. There would be times that he'd be at his peak and he'd get the better of me because I should be coming together, getting ready for my camp or vice versa. I'd be at my pink and I'd be getting the better of him because he'd just be starting. So now, on November 2nd, we'll be both at our peaks, and we're going to see who's going to get the better of each other.
- [67:30]
C
What was his freakout about five years ago where he just drove around and got pulled over by the cops? What was that? Not much is made of that. He just drove. He tried to evade the cops, got pulled over. I don't even know what that story was. I mean, you know, when the guy's name is, you know, Rampage, you got to expect that eventually he's going on a rampage and he walks around with a tire chain around.
- [67:53]
D
Close friend of mine. And the situation that happened when that happened about he's going through a lot of psychological problems just because he doesn't come from any upbringing at all. He has nothing. He has zero. He has himself. And I think he came to a part where he lost his world title and he thought he had nobody. And then all of a sudden he had to check himself. And the way to check himself was he felt like he had no one to hold him down. No one was going to ever tell him to stop. So he just kind of got in his car and just drove. Didn't stop.
- [68:18]
C
Is a guy. So obviously you're friends with the guy, and don't let me put words in your mouth. But when people say, no one ever.
- [68:26]
D
Puts words in my mouth, don't worry about that.
- [68:28]
C
How do you go try to take the head off of a guy who you're friends with? And the answer is, it's a sport.
- [68:36]
D
We gotta understand, this is the job. This is a business to us. This is a business. I'm not gonna take any money out of his pocket to feed his children, vice versa. When we get in The Cage on November 2, My job is to beat him any possible way I can. Kick him in the head, knee him in the head, elbow in his face, any way to knock him out or submit him. I have 15 minutes to stop him or get my hand raised, Right. I've been training my butt off like no other, getting ready for this fight rampage. I know how dangerous he is, and he's trying to do the same thing to me.
- [69:08]
C
Yeah, it's like when Eli Manning goes up against Peyton Manning. Try to score as many touchdowns as you can, and then afterwards, you shake hands, right?
- [69:14]
D
This is very, very violent.
- [69:16]
C
This is a little more violent.
- [69:17]
D
This is a lot more violent.
- [69:19]
C
This is.
- [69:19]
D
It's competition, but, I mean, survival of the fittest.
- [69:22]
C
You like the guy, but you're gonna try to kill him for 15 minutes.
- [69:24]
D
I love the guy. And after. You know what? We'll have a drink after me. I've helped him through. I've helped him through business stuff. When he came to the ufc, his first contract he had was the same. My same contract. I helped him. I mean, that's how much. How close we were. But when actually, Bjorn came with me with Bellator and Viacom, they came to me, and then they asked if I'd think about fighting again after my last fight. You're talking about with Forrest Griffin left a bad taste in my mouth, and competition sounded better. I'm in a great place right now at home. I have full custody of my children. No more bad stuff around me. And it's just my clear mind. I mean, be in the gym and train with a clear mind. I want to compete again.
- [70:00]
C
Well, you know, the problem is I was thinking about it because I was watching a sort of Mickey Ward, Arturo Gotti thing over the weekend. And, you know, you have these great champions, and you go, well, you want to go out with a victory. You want to go out with a victory. Especially when you think you've earned your last victory over Forrest Griffin. But you want great champions, want to go out with a victory. The problem with great champions is they're great champions, so they have to fight someone who's good. So it's harder to go out with a victory because no one wants to see you with a Tomato can. That's 2 and 42.
- [70:34]
D
That's why I took this fight. That's the only reason I took this fight. I wanted to fight the top tier guy that I possibly could. And there is don't get me wrong, there's a few light heavyweights that are in Bellator that are great guys, but Rampage just made the best sense. His last fight, he lost the number one contender in ufc, so. And lost the decision to him. I mean, right? I was like, Rampage. I was like. It came to a point where I was like, I had to call Rampage. I was like, you know what, I've got this contract in front of me.
- [71:00]
C
I compete and you call him Ram or Mr. Page. How do you do?
- [71:03]
D
Rampage Paige call him Page. But it came to a fact. It was like, you know what, this contract's in front of me. They're offering me everything that I've always wanted for a company to offer me. And it's not just about the fighting, acting, my clothing company, punishment athletics.
- [71:17]
C
Sure.
- [71:18]
D
Professional wrestling. I mean, there's so many different attributes that I was able as an opportunity. It's nothing guaranteed. Nothing's guaranteed in life. It's an opportunity for me to run with. And I told him, he goes, you know what, I don't want to take any money out of your pocket. I said, I don't want to take your money. Fucking says shit. I guess on November 2nd, we're going to have to be competitors. I go, game on. It's on. Then I called Bjorn back and we got us hashed out in about a week.
- [71:40]
C
Bjorn, you have to be pretty excited about the state of boxing, at least in the heavyweight division. I was.
- [71:49]
D
They still have heavyweight division.
- [71:50]
C
Oh my God. I was watching the Klitschko fight a week and a half ago, just, just leaning, just non stop. That was horrible. It's like Klinchco, they just. Every single exchange is a clinch with him draping a 6 foot 6 body over the guy's head.
- [72:07]
D
That's a good clothing.
- [72:08]
C
Coming down with the clinchco. Klinchco, yeah, you guys should just make capes.
- [72:13]
B
Skin tight capes.
- [72:14]
C
All he did was hang on. And the referee never stopped him, never warned him. It was the most boring heavyweight bout I've ever seen. And the last decade almost of heavyweights has been just insanely boring. And I feel like it's one of these things where in terms of mixed martial arts catching up and surpassing boxing, traditional boxing, it's almost like American car companies and there's a gas crunch and the Japanese are making these little efficient cars that everyone seems to want and gas is expensive and so on and so forth. And America is like, stay the course. Just keep making the big old piles of shit that nobody wants. And Japan must have been going, this is the greatest thing ever. Yeah, keep making those mixed martial arts fans and guys who promote fights and all this stuff gotta be going. This gotta be the greatest thing ever. There's no Mike Tysons.
- [73:10]
D
I mean, no names. You've heard, watch sparring. You're going to watch a boxing match that was really.
- [73:15]
C
That's all that, right?
- [73:16]
D
We want to watch mixed martial arts on November 2nd. You're going to watch a fight.
- [73:19]
F
Well, he and I talked about it a bunch of times. It's like if you watch, if you watch 10 heavily promoted boxing events, whether it's with Showtime or HBO or pay per view, one out of those 10 is going to be exciting and is going to give you like an ROI for the money you spend or the time you spend. You watch MMA and 9 out of 10 give you that return on your investment in terms of time and energy and focus. It's just, this is a sport that gives rise to such excitement. There's so many ways to finish a fight. There's so many ways to give you that knockout, that submission. And in boxing, like you said, the Klitschkos, I mean, they've been ruling the division now for 20 years. I mean, it just, it seems like decades that they've been on top of the heavyweight division. And boxing has completely fallen off the landscape. Other than the occasional Mayweather, Canelo Alvarez megafight, they have one every 15 months. And then other than that, it literally falls off the radar of any kind of general market saturation. And what we're doing here and what we do every Friday night on Spike and what the UFC does is consistently getting to general market consumers. You're seeing it, you're seeing them on Fox, you're seeing us on Spike. Our pay per View is getting huge buzz. Their pay per View gets good buzz. It's constantly out there. But 18 to 34 year old males just attached to this because it's. And I don't mean to drone on, but he and I have talked about it a bunch of times. It's like the superheroes that young guys used to tune into, whether it was Batman or Superman or any of those guys that you'd look at and you go, those are superheroes.
- [74:35]
B
Dingle dingle boy.
- [74:37]
F
These guys have taken over for them because they're the alpha males that are out there in society. And it's taken over for what used to be a different entertainment genre.
- [74:46]
C
It's like I said, if you watch, you watch these 30 for 30s or these, where are they now? Kind of things. And you see these Ward Gotti things or these Sugar Ray Leonard, Roberto Duran things, you go, oh, yeah, those were great. Oh, yeah, those were a decade ago or 30 years ago. Like, you go, oh, yeah, those were super crazy, action packed fights that weren't in this decade.
- [75:09]
D
Those are guys, the guys that were fighters, they'd go out and they would fight. They would go out trying to knock the guy out. They were going, trying to pick up points. Okay, I'm gonna win.
- [75:16]
C
Yeah. The Klitschkos are just complete and utter. You know what? You know, it's funny, I said to somebody, these guys, you know what they do? They play chess. That's what they do. They do it outside of the ring.
- [75:27]
D
Here's an analogy for layman terms. Boxing is checkers and MMA is chess.
- [75:35]
C
You can turn boxing into chess if you want to. If you want to do it. But they don't do it. I mean. Meaning what I'm saying is the Klitschko guys have doctorates and they play chess and they go, how do I win this fight without getting hit? I'll throw a jab and then I'll drape my six foot, six body over this guy and tie him up, and then I'll throw another jab and then I'll drape my body over him again. And they never get hit, and they get out with the victory. And it's boring as shit, but it's a boring chess tournament. You see these guys playing. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. The answer is mma.
- [76:08]
D
There you go.
- [76:08]
C
Mixed martial arts. Yes.
- [76:10]
B
Question, is it more back to the Rampage Jackson thing? It made me think, is it more satisfying for you to fight someone you have a lot of respect for and admiration for, or is it more satisfying to fight someone you really hate? Like kind of a grudge match kind.
- [76:22]
D
Of thing, you know, I think it just makes me train that much harder because we live in Orange county and we respect big respect value. Just because the way he came about this fight, he said, yeah, Tito's my good friend. You know, he didn't say, oh, Tito's never my friend. He said, no, Tito's my good friend. And we're gonna, you know, on November 2nd, we're gonna fight and we'll see who the better man is. So I think it's more. To me, it's more. It's just. It involves my heart, my mind stronger into training because I could hang my head higher when I walk through my town and whoever loses that night Will have to hang his head a little lower.
- [76:55]
C
We got some news to do, Tito. I brought my focus mitts if you want to do a little punching. I don't know how you.
- [77:01]
D
How's your shoulders?
- [77:02]
F
All right.
- [77:03]
C
You know, people say that a lot.
- [77:07]
D
Shoulders and elbows.
- [77:09]
C
I have a technique for holding that does not put pressure on my shoulders, elbows. I'd like to see that at all.
- [77:15]
D
As long as you sign a disclaimer, I'm cool with it.
- [77:18]
C
I'm fine with it. I've held in the past. I used to work with Mike Weaver way back in the day. Heavyweight Mike Weaver, and I held for him, and it was fine with me. Now, he hits hard, but if you hold the wrong way, it's gonna hurt.
- [77:36]
F
Yeah, Weaver punch like Norton. He punched like a truck.
- [77:39]
C
Also, Weaver was one of these guys where, when I worked with him, he was probably 46 years old and just built like a fucking brick shithouse. Like, you go, where did you get that body? It was, like, insane.
- [77:51]
F
Yeah, Weaver was a monster. Before there were monsters.
- [77:53]
C
Yes. Yes. So we can do that. We can do some news. Tito, why don't you put your gloves on, warm up a little. We'll film it a little. Yeah, take that watch off. A lot of unsprung weight there. Just rock the watch, and I'll get back to my own training days. I'll hold the mitts for you there. I held them for my young son, Sonny, seven years old, the other day. No pop at all. It's just a waste of my time.
- [78:21]
B
The kindergartner didn't have any pop.
- [78:23]
C
No pop. I told him, bring it back. All right, let's do some news. Allison Rose.
- [78:28]
D
I understand I can't hit these too hard because I've got my hands wrapped.
- [78:31]
C
Yeah, you want to wrap. You don't want to hurt your. You don't want to hurt your hands, but I'll. Please, I'll hold them, and you tell me what you like. You start with the jab, make the jab, cross, whatever. Whatever you like. All right, you guys are going to have to do a little play by play, let's say. How about that? And I'll grab.
- [78:48]
A
I always wanted to do commentary.
- [78:50]
F
Yeah. God, please don't hurt him.
- [78:52]
C
The news with Allison Rose. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, Sometimes it's bad as Dallas on Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it.
- [79:05]
D
Cut.
- [79:06]
C
It's Allison.
- [79:07]
E
Allison.
- [79:10]
C
All right, you guys do a little Commentary.
- [79:12]
A
All right, Tito, you're watching. Tito is punching the air and he's doing windmills with his arms. Alice.
- [79:18]
B
And a little commentary.
- [79:19]
A
Oh, sorry, Brian.
- [79:20]
B
What's up?
- [79:21]
C
That way I don't pull any muscles.
- [79:23]
A
He's limbering up. He's getting loose. Adam's getting in there. He's holding focus pads.
- [79:28]
B
Turn Tito's mic.
- [79:30]
A
And now Tito is jabbing and Adam's saying good. He's kind of pushing Adam against the wall. Brian, we need some commentary.
- [79:43]
B
It's a big right hand from Tito. Adam's hand is moving quite a bit from the force.
- [79:48]
A
All of Adam is moving quite a bit. He's moving back. If there were ropes, I think he'd have him on them.
- [79:55]
C
All right, now I'm gonna say, Tito, don't hang it out, just pop and snap it back.
- [80:00]
A
Now. He told Tito to.
- [80:01]
C
There you go, pap.
- [80:02]
A
And snap.
- [80:03]
C
Good, good. All right, now you want to do the jet. You want to finish with the hook.
- [80:08]
B
Adamcorla.com let's go with the straight.
- [80:10]
C
Let's go with the straight across and then turn the hook after it.
- [80:13]
A
He's suggesting some different combinations.
- [80:15]
C
Good, sir. Now, let's say this, I deal, I've dealt with this a lot, and I know what, you know what you're doing, but I think, I think when you throw the straight and then you come with the hook, instead of hooking back, hook a little forward because the guy's head's going to be going.
- [80:34]
D
So now one thing, mma, that makes a big difference is that we cannot hook all the way forward. I go here, here.
- [80:40]
C
Oh, you don't care. They don't do that in boxing so much. All right, I'll give you that then.
- [80:47]
D
Good.
- [80:48]
C
All right, let me make this comment, Coach Carolla. Here's the other thing too, guys. When you say, like throw the straight cross, you throw a great straight cross. Then when you go throw a straight cross and a hook, you back off on the cross and double down on the hook.
- [81:00]
A
I think Adam's getting in his head right now.
- [81:02]
C
Cross you threw when you were definitely giving last minute instructions and then attach it to it, you know what I'm saying? So just throw that straight cross there. See, now you got. You put them both together. Bing.
- [81:15]
D
Well, now I'm a little warmed up too.
- [81:16]
C
Yeah, good, good, good, good. One more. Don't forget the cross, though. Start with the cross.
- [81:26]
A
Bjorn, what do you think of what's going on?
- [81:28]
C
I think you should add the right head kick.
- [81:30]
B
Good uppercut right now.
- [81:32]
D
Yeah, More combination Uppercut.
- [81:34]
C
My hands are nice. Go right uppercut. Ooh, right up. Okay, good. And then we're gonna follow with the hook.
- [81:42]
D
Yep.
- [81:44]
C
Good, good. So this is if the guy's head is down like that, you pop it up and then boom. All right, Two more here.
- [81:52]
B
Alice, is there an animal nature on this that turns you on?
- [81:55]
A
Oh, yeah. I'm sliding off my seat.
- [81:59]
B
That's what I was getting at.
- [82:00]
C
Good. Oh, yeah.
- [82:02]
E
Good.
- [82:04]
D
Well, for my hands not being wrapped, I guess I can't punch too hard.
- [82:07]
C
You gotta look after your hands as a fighter.
- [82:12]
D
And I said I wasn't gonna train on Sunday. Darn.
- [82:15]
B
Now, does Tito punch from his ass, as you. As you like to say?
- [82:18]
C
Yeah. Well, Tito's got a lot of. Again, when you feel these guys. And I felt the same way with Chuck Liddell, who's a heavy. Some guys are what you call heavy handed. They just hit hard, you know, And Liddell was that kind of guy. Chuck Liddell was like, I saw that guy just throw punches. And I was like, man. And then you picture those guys. Now you see us here with these 16 ounce training gloves. And then you picture them with the driving gloves. They wear the 2 ounce, 3 ounce or whatever. 4 ounce, 4 ounce. But I mean, you know, in boxing there's a big difference between 8 ounces and 10 ounces. There's a huge difference between 16 ounces and 10 ounces. When you get down to 4 ounces and you picture getting hit that way with 4 ounce gloves, that's a lot of pressure to one's jaw and orbital.
- [83:14]
F
Socket for 25 minutes. Yeah, that's a long night with those little gloves.
- [83:19]
D
Speed kills.
- [83:20]
C
Yeah. Yes, yes. And you don't really see them coming. I always thought in boxing, it's a weird thing. I always thought sometimes you see a guy getting in the ring and one guy's wearing black gloves and another guy's wearing like red gloves. And I always thought I wouldn't want to be the guy in the red gloves because I feel like you'd see those coming. And when I see the guy with the black gloves, it's like. Especially if the guy who's punching you is black, just hold him up to his black face. You're like, you can't see shit. Wouldn't you want to be the guy with the red gloves? Like, I just feel like there's. Not that you're a bull, but it's that much more if you're weaving under something that's coming toward your head. Wouldn't you rather it Be red than black.
- [84:02]
F
Yeah, 100% of the time.
- [84:03]
B
Has no one done a study on white or black or other color gloves winning more often?
- [84:08]
C
I mean, a study, I've never seen a study, but I swear to God, you will see plenty of instances where guys get in with white gloves and black gloves. And if I were the guy with the black gloves, I'd be like, I'm good with this, and I'm the white glove guy. I'd be protesting because I feel like if a white glove guy, you'd see every punch coming at you. Right.
- [84:27]
B
It's like Moneyball.
- [84:28]
D
It looks better on tv, but still. See how those punches coming, I think.
- [84:32]
C
All right, good, good, good pop, good power in the hands of Tito Ortiz is probably already arguing, he didn't kick me.
- [84:40]
F
And that's no takedowns. No ground and pounds.
- [84:43]
C
No ground and pound.
- [84:44]
F
No wrestling, no standing bang.
- [84:46]
A
Did you see stand and bash? Stand and bang?
- [84:48]
C
Close enough.
- [84:49]
D
That's correct.
- [84:51]
C
All right, let's do a little news. Allison Rosen.
- [84:53]
A
All right, well, an update to the story of the stenographer who kind of went nuts on the house floor. We played the video. Remember that?
- [85:00]
C
Yeah.
- [85:01]
A
Well, she gave an interview, and she said, for the past two and a half weeks, the Holy Spirit has been waking me up in the middle of the night and preparing me through my reluctance and doubt to deliver a message in the house chamber. This is what I did last night. And her husband chimed in saying that he's proud of her and she's, quote, a sweet, level headed, wonderful woman of God. I feel like that's what we took from it.
- [85:24]
C
Uh huh. Yeah. I realizing I was saying this to my wife today. Too much time. What was it in the Shining? Makes Jack a dull boy or whatever it was.
- [85:37]
B
All work and no play.
- [85:38]
C
Yeah.
- [85:39]
B
Makes Jack a dull boy.
- [85:40]
C
I disagree. I think it should be the opposite.
- [85:42]
B
All play and no work.
- [85:44]
C
I think I was saying that I think we're all turning on ourselves because there's too much mechanization, too much time and too much whatever. Back in the day, you go back 100 years, sun would come up. It's time to go to work. Time to go milk something, collect some eggs, turn some soil, churn something, do something. Yeah. Give your husband a hand job. I agree. It's time to do something. It's time to do something now. It's a lot of, like, weird. Like, it's. It's like I see all these, you know, there's, you know, maybe I'm watching too much catfish, but there's a bunch of 22 year old people that are fat with weird piercings and tattoos. And it's like, what are you doing? What's the tattoo for? What's the piercing for? You're 100 pounds overweight. You think that piercing and the tat's gonna overcome the extra hundred pounds you're carrying around and what's up? And I realize people are sort of like turning on themselves. They don't have anything to do. They go to the computer, they create a fantasy world. It's aimless. They can live at home, they can insecure people. Yeah, but we didn't have. What I'm saying is back in the day, you didn't have a choice. Sun came up, time to go to work. Maybe you're a little depressed. Maybe your self image wasn't great. Didn't matter.
- [86:56]
D
When I was a kid, sun came up, it was like, you go outside and play or I'm throwing you out of the house. You can go outside and play computer. You ain't sitting there playing no video games or anything like that.
- [87:05]
C
There's nothing to do but go out and do something. Now there's a lot of time where people are sitting around in eating and piercing and tattooing and really not having.
- [87:15]
A
Sometimes all at the same time, all.
- [87:16]
C
At the same time and not knowing what to do with themselves and they're like turning on themselves. Like where? It's like, I always feel like it's a dog that's chewing on its leg too much or something. Back then we didn't have time to do anything. You're a flea.
- [87:29]
A
Or do you just think you have a flea?
- [87:30]
C
Right? We're free. I don't know if we were wired to have this kind of time and this kind of ability to sit on a computer and connect with other people and play video games and all that kind of stuff. I just have this theory that we're all kind of turning on ourselves and that the happiest people in the world are the ones that just have something to do all day and are busy about it. I'm now really my own. It's my own little quiet study. But all the guys I work with building always seem to be happy.
- [88:03]
A
Daniel and I were.
- [88:04]
C
Yes, go ahead.
- [88:05]
A
We're actually just talking about this. Talking about. Do you think people that have jobs that aren't cerebral in nature where like you just, you have a. You ply a trade, you lay pipe or whatever and you just go out and you do it and then you're done. Do they have more Inner peace.
- [88:20]
D
Most men who lay pipe, they do.
- [88:21]
C
Have a lot of. Yeah, between the churning and the pipeline, that's a pretty good week. Oh, I've. I've just never. And maybe again, maybe it's just the way these guys are wired. But all the guys I used to work with doing construction did not have the kind of complaints that people I know today have.
- [88:42]
D
Let me tell you. When I was younger, I used to work on boats down in Long Beach, 22nd Street Landing. I was Deadcan on a boat. And we'd be out on the water 14 hours a day. I would come home so exhausted, go to sleep, wake up, go to work. I'd have a great time. Every day was a new experience because it was the weather, it was the ocean, it was a different fish we're catching. Everything was something new and something different. It was fun and every. I mean, I had no complaints. I had some of the greatest times back then. It was a lot of hard work, don't get me wrong. But it was exciting. It was fun. I mean, I was always busting my butt to excel, to be better, I think.
- [89:18]
C
And I just. And you didn't feel like the world owed you anything at that point. It was just time to go to work. Like, I watched.
- [89:26]
D
I watched the sunrise, I watched the sunset. And it was a good experience.
- [89:30]
C
Yeah.
- [89:30]
F
But we've also got this. We got this senseless and faceless voicing of expression now where you can say anything you want. And it takes you completely out of that realm of reality that he's talking about. I used to roof in the valley. It was a completely different world. You didn't have the opportunity to say or express yourself without any face behind it. And that just. I think that just gets the gravitational pull that keeps us on this Earth. That just gets it very, very, very light. Because you're able to say and think anything you want and voice it without any kind of face behind it or any kind of repercussions for saying it. That just disconnects us, and the rest of it just kind of flows from that. It's just a. It's a so different. I mean, I don't mean to sound like I'm 80, but it is a lot different.
- [90:06]
D
No, it's true. I mean, you go to Texan friends, you text them somewhere like, what are you talking about? Like, okay, I gotta call this person back. This is what I'm trying to say.
- [90:13]
A
But in the course of the day nowadays, you probably experience the thoughts of, I don't know, hundreds of people Whereas in the old days, the days when you just jerk off a dinosaur in the morning, probably like three people, people.
- [90:24]
C
In the village churn. Tyrannosaurus. Yeah, no, it's, there's a couple things. First off, if you were going to call somebody a douchebag, there's a good chance they were going to take a swing at you. Even on the job site back in the day, there was no guy. The guys I worked with, a lot of those guys, I feared those guys, if you were going to go settle their hash, be prepared, they were going to come at you. There was that part of life then. The other part of life was you could not create your own weird alternative community. I was thinking about this today, like you couldn't go online and just find a bunch of other like minded people and create your own little universe. You had to sort of live where you lived and deal with the people you dealt with. And I just, I'm wondering when, and I'm sure generations from now they will, they will have this stuff figured out. And before this they didn't have to figure it out. They're too busy making wagon wheels and shit. But I just wonder if this transition is good. I feel like a lot of people are losing it in this transition. A lot of people would be happier just sort of with something to do with a task to complete. You know, you see these people, they go on the show Survivor and they don't think about anything except for just getting up, eating and completing a task. I wonder if that's a nice respite for.
- [91:52]
D
I mean that's what's going on and that's what it you to achieve, to be better. Each and every day you wake up and like how am I going to better myself today? I mean that's what I do personally. I mean when I get up at 6:30 in the morning, bring my kids down, feed them, get them ready for school, take them to school, drop them off, come home, take my three hour nap, get up, start my training, go pick them up from school, bring them to the gym with me, train, go home, feed them.
- [92:14]
C
But is there, is there an element of one of the things I, I think that the reason a lot of people get into like extreme things and other elements of life. Sonography, extreme sonography, things like that.
- [92:31]
A
We have two little buttons, you know.
- [92:33]
C
In 3D when they close the cage door, you don't think about anything.
- [92:39]
D
Zero.
- [92:40]
C
You think about zero. And it's nice.
- [92:42]
D
I think about winning.
- [92:43]
C
All I think about, it's nice, it's nice. In this world we're living in, to think about zero, it's nice to go. I never thought about anything except for winning or except for the guy in front of me or just anything you don't think about. I like racing the old cars because you don't think about anything while you're doing it. During that, for that 20 minutes, you don't think about anything.
- [93:04]
D
We actually. You won it, actually. Long Beach Grand Prix. I did it also. And exciting. I've never understood racing. I went and did the practice stuff and got to understand how to kick the apex turn and all that. And I learned it was exciting. But for that moment that I did the race, that's all you think about. Exactly what was the right thing to do at the right time. And it's split second. You can't act on things. You have to react on things.
- [93:31]
C
Yeah. And you can't just sort of, you know, just sort of go off somewhere, you know, I mean, look, you'll do it no matter what your job is. 9 times out of 10, even if you're a commercial airline pilot, you'll put it on autopilot at some point and go somewhere else in that race.
- [93:47]
D
You can't do that because I did it once when I crashed in the wall and totaled a car.
- [93:50]
C
So you can't do that. Yeah. I think it's why people jump out of airplanes and it's why people go into the cage and it's why people get into a race car. Because for that little moment, you just don't think about anything else. In a moment where you're driving and texting and having a conversation on a cell phone and God knows what else, this is a little moment where you're back to getting chased by a dinosaur or Rampage Jackson or whoever came first. But your mind. I think there's a thing. I think we all long for it. I think drugs do it sometimes for a lot of people. Sex does it for a lot of people where for this little moment in time, you're just not thinking about anything except for what you're doing, which is playing drums. A rarity. So sex, drugs, playing drums. That's what I just heard right now. Gotta get that drum kit into the octagon. Got to get the car into the drum kit. In car, car. And Octagon, Dinosaur in drum kit.
- [94:47]
A
And Octagon is performing on stage at all like that for you, though?
- [94:52]
C
I wish I had that. And I feel that way for guys that are in rock bands. Like, I feel like they get to Carlos Santana gets to do that. I don't.
- [95:01]
D
I actually know guys from Korn very well, and I was on tour with them, and we're at the Pontiac Theater, or Pontiac dome, excuse me, 80,000 people. And I sat on the side of the stage with the beer in my hand, and Jonathan walks. Jonathan Davis walks out with the bagpipes. And the loudest roar was so loud that the can in my hand was vibrating like. Like vibrating from the people's voices. I get that same feeling when I step in the cage. So I was already prepared for it. It was weird. It was like a weird experience because when I was fighting in Vegas and you have 16,000 people screaming, you get that same feeling when you walk out and people are screaming and you feel through your body, you feel the energy, and there's nothing like it. And I think on November 2nd, that's the stuff that I live for, is just. It's not about the money. It's not about what I'm getting out of it. It's more about competing and knowing that I've pushed myself during training as hard as I possibly could and excel at something I love to do, and that's compete on November 2nd. That's what I'm.
- [96:00]
C
And everyone would think, well, isn't that the scariest thing in the world? But it's also the most freeing thing in the world, right?
- [96:08]
D
It's scary. It's very scary. I think that's why I cry a little bit before I step into the cage. I throw up before I step in the cage. These are my emotions that come out of me.
- [96:17]
C
It's a horrible thing.
- [96:18]
B
He's cutting weight.
- [96:19]
D
No. You know, you gotta understand. I didn't understand. I mean, I did it my first eight years. I cried before. Every time I walk on the cage, I. Tears becoming down. I don't know why. What it was. I never understood what it was. Why do I do this? I realize my emotions, all my emotions completely take over me. So when I step inside of the cage, my fear is gone. I have no fear because I know that I'm ready. I'm not prepared. And it's just the weirdest experience ever.
- [96:42]
C
Don't let me put words in your mouth, but are you more nervous, for lack of a better term, One hour before or in the middle of round one?
- [96:52]
D
One month before.
- [96:53]
C
One month before. Yeah, I would. I always think when I see these.
- [96:57]
D
Or I'm not prepared or if I'm not prepared, right? Because I fought. I fought with a lot of injuries before, and I knew mentally that I wasn't prepared. That's when I was the most nervous ever because I was like, okay, should I run that extra mile? Should I sparred that extra round? Should I have wrestled that extra minute? I mean, you know, those extra, extra takedowns. Should I do that little bit of extra. But when you did all those things, that's when you're not nervous. The nerves are gone.
- [97:19]
C
I always thought the night before has to be torture for these guys.
- [97:23]
D
No, because we make weight and I get to indulge myself with liquids and food, that I'm so at peace. And it's just like, you know how people say they eat a bunch of chocolate and they get chocolate high or whatever? Well, it's the same type of thing with food. And I indulge in a lot of food and it's like my body's just completely recovered. My mind is completely relaxed.
- [97:39]
C
What do you think before you get in the cage?
- [97:42]
D
Sushi. Sushi, yeah. We are the. Well, my last meal will probably be around 2 o' clock in the afternoon.
- [97:48]
C
How many hours before the fight do you do it?
- [97:50]
D
Seven hours? Six. Seven hours?
- [97:52]
C
Six, six, seven. Is that the science?
- [97:55]
D
For me, yes. Just because 20. What I ate 24 hours before the fight is what my body's gonna burn. So the first meal I have is strictly carbs. My body's gonna burn carbs. And high protein. As in sushi, steak, chicken.
- [98:10]
C
But sushi is your preferred.
- [98:12]
D
I love it. That's the best food in the world to me personally. I mean, it's clean, it's not fried. It's high carbs, high protein, and it's clean as possible. My body's like a race car.
- [98:24]
C
Use your hands or use the chop.
- [98:27]
D
Chopsticks. I've been using chopsticks since day one.
- [98:29]
C
I didn't mean to insult you.
- [98:30]
D
I'm not insulting that at all.
- [98:31]
C
Hulu baby. Who knew? Hulu plus, baby. Hulu dot com. Oh, yeah, you remember them. Hulu has thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. You can stream it on your TV and go with your smartphone. You can go with your tablet. Current shows, snl, Modern Family, Community, Family Guy, thousands more. Plus you can binge on old favorites, catch a movie. You can see them all in HD quality, baby. Only $7.99 a month. Or you can watch original shows like the Awesomes starring Seth Meyers. You know him from snl. And Moonboy. Shows like that Chris o' Dowd from Bridesmaids. You remember that? Still unsure why he had that accent. Try Hulu plus for two weeks free. That's right. Go to huluplus.com Adam Be sure to use huluplus.com Adam for the extended trial, you get a couple of free weeks, and you go to AdamCroll.com, you can click on the Hulu plus banner. Kapow. Hulu Plus. All right, let's do one more story. Allison Rosen.
- [99:35]
A
All right. Authorities are mulling whether to press charges against a Boy Scout leader who purposefully knocked over an ancient Utah desert rock formation and against the two boys who cheered him on after they posted a video of the incident online. So this was. They took some Boy Scouts out to Goblin Valley State park, and there's this rock formation, or all the rock formations there are about 170, 70 million years old, if you believe that. I mean, that's a theory.
- [100:00]
C
And he knocked them over.
- [100:01]
A
Yes.
- [100:01]
C
And he.
- [100:02]
A
So we have some video. Just. There's no sound here, but you can see they're pushing this rock, and then they, like, act really victorious after it gets knocked over. And he claims. Here's the crazy part. He says that it's about saving lives because the rock formation was loose and they feared it was dangerous.
- [100:26]
C
Yeah, that's how my dad went. He pitched his tent right under a loose rock, and he's still there today, by the way they left him. That's the way he would have wanted. He died doing what he loved, sleeping under rocks. Here's the thing about that stuff. You know, if you take one of these natural, like, land bridges and you blow it up, that's one thing. The rock. That rock looked like it had another three or four weeks left in it before it was coming down. Anyway, I do get the part where technically, could have fallen off and, you know, busted someone's leg.
- [101:02]
A
Do you believe that's what they were motivating them? Okay.
- [101:04]
C
No. They were too busy having fun with it. Again, this is one of those things where we don't have anything to do.
- [101:10]
D
I was gonna say the computer. Instead of going out doing something, we.
- [101:15]
C
Need to create these little obstacles. It's weird that we have all these like. Like, they have all these, like, super enduro runs where it's, like, mud pits and barbed wire and stuff. Like, we create stupid things to do on the weekend to torture ourselves, to try to infuse some of the stuff that we're missing in our life back in. Back into our life. And then we get gratification from it. It's again, it's like, drive to the gym, run on the treadmill for 40 minutes and then drive home. It would be a weird thing to explain to people from another planet or a different time. Right. People go, why don't you just run around the gym and then run home? Like, why do you drive?
- [101:55]
A
Why do you go indoors, run and not get anywhere?
- [101:57]
C
They can't watch SportsCenter when you're running on the sidewalk. It's just a weird thing. Not a great example for the kids, but fun. So be it.
- [102:10]
A
I think they undermine their argument that it was all for safety by posting the video where they're giving each other high fives.
- [102:16]
C
I would say that most people could get a lot more out of this sort of public sympathy stuff if they said, look, it was a jack off move. I admit it. We've all done a few moves that we weren't wildly proud of. The kids got a kick out of it. I had a couple of, you know, Mickeys, big mouths and I had a, you know, I had like a three beer buzz going. I wasn't shit faced.
- [102:41]
B
You were leading the troupe while drunk.
- [102:43]
C
Well, on foot. It's not like we're driving a seaplane.
- [102:47]
B
You had imbibed alcohol in the presence of.
- [102:49]
C
I don't know what it imbibed means, but I killed a couple Mickeys out in the desert and yeah, so fuck, you guys have all done some jack off moves in your life. Yeah, look, if I could get it back, I wish I hadn't and I apologize to the Hopi Indians or whoever put that rock on there, but you know, I was fucking around. Kids got a kick out of it. No harm, no foul.
- [103:09]
F
Admission's a great rat.
- [103:10]
C
I think people, it kind of diffuses things and stuff goes away when people do this thing. I was like, oh, we had a very dangerous situation on our hands. And then they show all you guys jacking off and high fiving. Then it looks like bullshit and then we get pissed off about it.
- [103:23]
A
Yeah, because people don't like being lied to.
- [103:25]
B
Right?
- [103:25]
C
Right. Especially about Precarious Rocks.
- [103:28]
A
That's the number one thing I don't like being lied to about.
- [103:31]
C
Yeah, good name for an indie band. 1991, Precarious Rocks. Maybe a gay porn name. I go on this hike with my kids up around, I don't know, Griffith park or something. There is this area where there's a rock where there's a smiley face that's put on there. It's like the eyes are made out of two rocks and a stick made makes a smiley face. And some people fuck it up and some people put it back it's an interesting little Rorschach test of life to see who's going to walk past this sort of flat rock that has a smiley face on it. Whose impulse is to kick it and knock it over and fuck it up? Whose impulse is to give it a Hitler mustache? Whose impulse is it to put it back and make it nice for how it was? And for other hikers, like, where's everyone's impulse here?
- [104:27]
D
I should put a video camera on and see.
- [104:28]
C
I should put a camera and figure that one. The other one that's driving me nuts is all the people that pick up their dog shit put it in that blue bag and then leave it on the trail. And I know people say, oh, no, they pick it up on the way back. I never see them pick it up. I just pass a blue bag of dog shit and then I think, is that helping? And if you're gonna go ahead and take the time to bag your dog shit, take it with you or just fucking swing it over your head like, like, you know, like a biblical character and just see how far you can launch it down the side of the hill.
- [104:58]
D
Well, then you're littering.
- [104:59]
C
Yeah, you're littering.
- [105:00]
A
Littering. Either way, at least have some fun.
- [105:02]
C
But I. Who's ever gonna step in the shit that you throw way down the side of the hill? This fucking huck it down that hill. There's. There's a trail.
- [105:10]
D
If they leave the bag, at least you're stepping on the shit that actually was in a bag and not stepping on the shit in general.
- [105:15]
C
I can't figure. I know it's probably a lot of people stepped in bagged shit, but I'm trying to think of how. First off, I know the bags are blue. Generally, I think blue is just a universal color for dog shit. For dog shit and for tampon commercials and stuff like that.
- [105:33]
A
Yeah.
- [105:33]
B
Liquid poured on the.
- [105:34]
A
Right.
- [105:35]
C
Yeah. And they. Do you remember those commercials? Like, this chalk represents your teeth. Dip it in this blue and it's like, really? That chalk.
- [105:42]
B
My teeth are made of chalk.
- [105:45]
C
Put.
- [105:46]
D
I'm actually gonna change my Listerine color now just because you said that.
- [105:49]
C
Yeah, it's all, it's all blue. Well, they wouldn't make it brown. Nothing is brown. Nothing that, that. The nothing that Procter and Gamble makes is brown. You know, there's no toothpaste, there's no Listerine. There's no anything.
- [106:00]
B
There is a dull yellow Listerine and it must be the worst selling Listerine. It's like, I think it's in yellow.
- [106:04]
C
I think it's old school.
- [106:06]
B
It might be.
- [106:06]
C
It's hardcore. That's why I changed Lewin, because Listerine.
- [106:10]
F
It's like the white boxing gloves. It's more noticeable.
- [106:12]
C
You know where it is. More noticeable.
- [106:13]
F
You know where it is. You know what to watch out for. You know what to pick up or not pick up.
- [106:16]
C
All right, my kid's. He's a Cub Scout now, so I don't, I can't, I can't imagine. Like I've said all the time, the guys who volunteer to take these kids on the overnight things, I don't trust one of them. I really don't. It's a simple equation, which is, who wants to take my kid up to Mount Pinos for the weekend? If some guy's hand goes flying up like Bob, you're out. I want to find the guy who's miserable as sitting on his hands. That's the guy.
- [106:47]
A
That's the stand up guy.
- [106:48]
C
That's the guy I want to force to take my kid up the week. I don't want the guy with the fucking hands flying up. Right? Yeah, you don't want that guy. All right, let's bring it home, baby girl.
- [106:58]
A
News, I'm Allison Rosen. Zip it, Kuntz.
- [107:02]
C
That was the news with Allison Rosenberg. Ah, stamps dot com. Stamps dot com. Small business. You need stamps dot com. Medium business. They're rarely spoken for. Medium sized business.
- [107:17]
B
Everyone's always all about small business.
- [107:19]
C
A lot of Ma and PA businesses out there now. There's a lot of ma and ma businesses and PA and PA business. I bet there's quite a few PA and PA and pa, especially out here in la. Pack a lot of paw and PA businesses out there. You need stamps dot com. Forget about those clumsy postage meters. That's for the birds. And again, I don't like to go blue with my language, but I'm just going to say that's for the birds. Special offer, no risk trial. The $110 bonus offer. Digital scale, 55 bucks free postage only. If you enter Adam. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. That is stamps.com, type in Adam. You get the 55 bucks free postage. You get the digital scale. Stamps.com, enter Adam. All right. Yes, Bald Brian, real quick before we.
- [108:17]
B
Sign off, it'll take 10 seconds. For movie nerd fans out there, you guys might want to know Bjorn Redni's dad is Jack Rebny, the Winnebago man. It's a great documentary made about him, and it came up the show, and I was like, what the hell? How's that possible?
- [108:31]
F
That's my dad, and he is more nuts in real life than he is in the doctor.
- [108:35]
B
I don't see how that's possible. He's still around.
- [108:37]
F
Oh, he's completely still around.
- [108:39]
C
Talked up.
- [108:39]
F
Yeah. Well, that's one way to put it.
- [108:41]
B
He's a great character.
- [108:42]
C
Yeah, he is a great character.
- [108:44]
F
Good dude at the base level and completely out of his mind. Ridiculously insane.
- [108:51]
B
Good doc, But a good guy. Good doc.
- [108:53]
C
Do you have a sister?
- [108:54]
F
No, I don't have any sister. I don't have any sisters.
- [108:56]
C
She would hate his guts.
- [108:57]
F
Yeah, I have two stepsisters, but he was the one that got the full brunt of the Jack Rebny Winnebago man.
- [109:02]
C
Do they. Do the stepsisters hate his guts?
- [109:05]
F
No, the stepsisters are from another father.
- [109:07]
C
Yeah, but they can still hate his guts.
- [109:08]
F
Yeah, they didn't spend a lot of time around him. He was teaching me how to fight with a knife when I was 6, so they stayed away from him.
- [109:14]
C
You know, Smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [109:16]
F
You should see the documentary. You'll know more about what I'm talking about.
- [109:19]
C
What year's Winnebago man from?
- [109:21]
F
Oh, I mean, the actual event took place 25 years ago, but Winnebago man came out about three, four years ago.
- [109:26]
B
Yeah, it's recent.
- [109:26]
C
Yeah, it was great. I will look forward to that. Also, just a shout out to our good friends Blues Traveler tomorrow night at the El Rey Theater. Blues Traveler. It's like an MMA fight. You just can't go wrong. It doesn't matter. I don't care if you know the song or not. It's Blues Traveler. And I feel the same way about MMA fighting. It's like, I watch fights. I watch more fights with guys I've never heard of, and I'm more entertained that I never do that with boxing. Boxing's like, I need to know one of these guys who's in the ring. Mma, it's two guys going at it, and Blues Traveler. It's our good friend John Popper just mastering the harmonica. That's El Rey Theater, and you can get tickets at El Rey. Do not miss this if you're here in town. Allison Rosen, your new best friend, Greg Probst, everyone, this week. What was he eating? Nachos. What was he eating?
- [110:22]
A
He actually wasn't eating anything.
- [110:23]
C
What?
- [110:24]
A
I know it seems strange.
- [110:26]
C
You can go to itunes, you can go to our app. You can Monday and Thursday. By the way, you can go to AllisonRosen.com if you like us. By the way, Barney's Beanery tonight, West la, some little Mangria nights. So enjoy that rehydrate with Mangria, everybody. Bjorn Rebny, Tito Ortiz going at it with Rampage Jackson, Quentin Rampage Jackson. This is a couple of legends going at it, and I don't. As a guy who's seen many fights of both of yours, this is going to be hard. This is a hard fight to pick two very skilled guys going at it. November 2nd on pay per View. Bellator is where you can go bellator.com and BellatorMMA is Twitter. So until next time, Adam Carolla for Bjorn and Tito and Allison and Bald Brian saying mahalo.
- [111:27]
D
Boxing is checkers and MMA is chest.
- [111:35]
B
All right, that was Adam Kolla Show 1189. Coming up next, we have Adam Kolla Show 1196, featuring Max Muchnik, Allison Rosen, and Brian bishop, also from 2013.
- [111:48]
C
Good to see you, Allison Rosen.
- [111:49]
A
Hello.
- [111:50]
C
Adam Carolla and Bald Brian.
- [111:52]
A
This is going to make your pussy smell a lot.
- [111:55]
B
Far and away number one on Twitter, hashtag top drop.
- [111:57]
C
Max Muchnik is here and he is one of the creators of Will and Grace, nominated for 83 Emmy awards.
- [112:05]
A
Wow.
- [112:06]
C
Won 16, but nominated for 83.
- [112:09]
B
Well, he only won 16.
- [112:10]
C
He only got 16? Yeah, barely. I mean, just three. More than a baker's dozen. So Max will be in here in a couple of few and we'll talk to him. Lots of good stuff to talk about. First off, had this weird revelation while I was driving the other day. I was thinking about our dear friend Norm MacDonald. I was thinking about how talented he is, how funny he is, but how completely insane he is. Yes, he does not drive himself. He does a lot of gambling, does a lot of crazy tweeting.
- [112:42]
B
Luckily, he led with he doesn't drive himself.
- [112:44]
C
He's anywhere. No, that is Howard Hughes.
- [112:49]
B
No, it's a contributing factor. That's just what you led with. That was funny.
- [112:51]
C
Yeah, for me. Well, living in Los Angeles and not being able to operate a motor vehicle puts you at a wild disadvantage. I couldn't. Could you imagine one week, I mean, the sort of being confined to one week of not being able to use your car or to have somebody.
- [113:09]
A
It's crazy.
- [113:10]
C
Trot you around.
- [113:11]
B
It couldn't work if you could see.
- [113:12]
A
So dependent on other people.
- [113:14]
C
Insane. So that's Norm MacDonald. And then my next thought was, his first name is Norm. And I thought, how ironic. He's the most abnormal person on the planet. Norm. Like the Norm.
- [113:28]
A
It's an ironic take on his name. His whole life is. You're right.
- [113:31]
C
And he doesn't live near a farm. He's the leash from a farmer with the McDonald part. But Norm is. He's the least normal human being I've ever met.
- [113:40]
B
He's not the norm.
- [113:41]
C
He is nothing but the norm.
- [113:43]
A
She's parentheses outside of the.
- [113:46]
C
That's right.
- [113:46]
A
Norm MacDonald.
- [113:48]
C
Yeah. And I don't know if there's a higher likelihood of your kid being abnormal if you name them Norm.
- [113:54]
B
Interesting.
- [113:55]
C
Versus Bill.
- [113:55]
B
Do you know any other norms?
- [113:57]
C
I don't know too many Normans. You know, the only Norman I know is Schwarzkopf, but I got to figure that one out.
- [114:04]
B
Although I think Boomer size and his real name is Norm. And I think he's a little.
- [114:07]
C
He's not.
- [114:08]
B
He's not goofy.
- [114:09]
C
Lynette made this argument this morning over waffles.
- [114:12]
B
Sorry, didn't mean to step on her toes.
- [114:14]
C
She loves the southpaw and she's a big Cincy fan.
- [114:17]
B
Well, then you must love Boomer size.
- [114:19]
C
She always says it's like Sison to Collinsworth. That's what she looks at me, her and I. That's the kind of connection we have.
- [114:27]
B
Unspoken bond.
- [114:29]
C
That's right. We'll try to figure it out. But either way, Norm MacDonald, ironically named Norm MacDonald. All right. Speaking of Boomer in sports, halfway into the season, everybody. And another Monday Night Football game. This time my Rams. This time, my Rams.
- [114:44]
B
Rams almost pulled it off.
- [114:46]
C
Yeah, they could have pulled it off.
- [114:47]
B
Did you watch any of the game at the.
- [114:48]
C
Well, I got. I got home. I got home to watch the last two minutes of the game. Seeing how the game was 9 to 14 with Seattle, who's in first place, heavily favored. Up then, people tweeted me quite a bit that there was a 50 yard field goal that was missed. And I was going to be pissed. Not as a Rams fan, but as one of God's children. That's right.
- [115:12]
B
Does the Rams fan add. You know, exacerbate the.
- [115:16]
C
I'll tell you why it doesn't help, because we can go ahead and watch this thing sail over the motherfucking fucking upright one more time. This is 50 yards out, by the way.
- [115:25]
B
Leg too over the upright at 50 yards.
- [115:26]
C
Well, let's see if it's fair. Foul.
- [115:28]
B
No chip shot.
- [115:29]
C
We'll never know by the angle. And there it goes directly. That looked good to me. But now if you want to note it, here's how you know the thing. Here's how you know. Watch. Show it again. Watch the referee that's on the right side, meaning the side away from the upright. He doesn't go out and signal. He walks out and looks at the other guy. Yeah, what did you see? Guy with Cataracts, who's 11ft to my left as it went sailing over your head at 30 miles an hour into the night air. Watch. If you pause it first off, who knows if. Okay, you can see him looking at the guy to left, but who the fuck knows if that's good or not. Now here's the thing. It looked good to me because it was going inside to outside and it looked like it traveled. But from the angle, honestly, I have no idea. There's no possible way to ever figure this out. Except one.
- [116:22]
B
Laser beams.
- [116:24]
C
That's right.
- [116:25]
B
Water cannons.
- [116:26]
A
Some kind of camera.
- [116:28]
C
Are we smart? Are we stupid? Now the reason I was pissed off is I then tuned in 10 minutes later to find my rams down on the goal line.
- [116:38]
B
Let's talk football for a second.
- [116:39]
C
With 30 seconds left. They stink.
- [116:41]
B
No, this is actual. They had the ball. Fourth and one play to win the game. One yard line. They had been rushing for over five yards of carry, which is very, very good for a team. And they had one play and then a backup quarterback in the game. So what do you do? Give it the backup quarterback. Let him throw.
- [116:56]
C
Also the thing where the last thing you should do, you have the ball needs to move 34 and a half inches forward. Why make it travel 28 yards in the air? You know what I mean? To cover that 34 inches. That fucking fade route is insane. And Seattle did what all good teams do, which is they just blitz instead of just going into the weird prevent thing. They went right at the quarterback.
- [117:19]
B
But you only have 11 yards of defense to cover. All right, 10 yards of the end zone.
- [117:24]
C
That's what you were thinking? What I was thinking is if that fucking 50 yard field goal, if they'd extend in the post and that thing was good, like it looked to me, would have caromed in or maybe just made it clean. Then instead of the score being 14 to 9, the score would have been 14 to 12. In which case they would have simply kicked the field goal, which would have been a chip shot as close as an extra point right here on third or fourth down. They probably would have done it on third down in case there was a bad snap. And then they would have won the game, 15, 14. Instead they threw a fucking retarded Fade that just sailed out of the back of the end zone.
- [118:01]
B
Now, I'm a 49ers fan, so this hurt me as much as any. Maybe more than Rams fans, because at least my team, my team's still in it. I want you guys to win badly.
- [118:08]
C
Yes, it would have been nice, but we could have won if the upright was extended. Did that look bad? Did that look fair foul to you?
- [118:16]
B
I don't want to see it again, but I think it was from the other hash mark, which would have made the angle even more favorable for the Rams.
- [118:22]
C
The ball is traveling inside to outside, so if it caroms, it's a good chance it's going to carom in. But there's nothing we could do except for extend the fucking piece of thin wall steel. All right, so there it is. Now, this is week nine, and there's been two of these on a Monday night already. Never going to end.
- [118:42]
B
Feels like more.
- [118:44]
A
We're going to know every single one. I received so many tweets about this.
- [118:49]
C
Don't people want to know, though? Like, here's the thing. How come there's never a fucking discussion? Like, if I was to kicker, I'd be like, are you nuts? That thing was good.
- [118:57]
B
Here's why it's going to happen. I think something will happen this year. Jeff Fisher, the coach of the Rams, is on the competition committee, which is in charge of reviewing rules. So if there's ever a chance, I think this is the year.
- [119:09]
C
All right, now question, young Sonny. Oh, and also a correction that I don't understand, but I've told people many times, look, first off, I have no idea what to do at the airport. I don't know what works, what doesn't work. I take the shoes off, take the belt off, that kind of stuff. Dumping the water, dumping the soda and the drinks. Can't bring the bottle of wine. I travel all the time. People go, oh, it's a local vineyard. This is our vineyard. We made you this wine. But I go, I can't bring it back with me because, you know, I'm the new face of Al Qaeda, so why would I ever be able to do that? But I told people, you can buy food on the other side of the line, but you can't bring it across just because the thinking is, if I can't bring a motherfucking water bottle that has a splash of water at the bottom of it, why should you be able to bring a one foot long sub across the security line with you? People have been tweeting me like, Crazy. Oh, absolutely, yeah.
- [120:11]
A
I think it's something specifically about liquid. Like, you couldn't bring soup, probably. Perhaps some kind of Vichy swab.
- [120:18]
C
Isn't somebody gonna make a plasti cogie? You'd think if you were gonna make explosives easier to make a bun, right?
- [120:27]
B
A C4, Quiznos.
- [120:29]
C
Yeah. I mean, you got a lot of bun, you got a lot of meat, you got a lot of whatever. If you were making, like a nice grinder and you could make that bun completely out of plastic explosives, what the fuck's the difference? I mean, don't you think? Well, what about a burrito? Burrito's a bomb. It's a Mexican bomb. The gut bomb. Yeah. I mean, look at one of those big chipotle burritos. Don't you think you could make a version of that? Blow a hole in the side of the fucking bomb.
- [120:55]
B
That's a bomb.
- [120:56]
C
That's a bomb. I mean, honestly, in terms of, like, look, if someone just showed you a burrito and then showed you a bottle of water and went, what do you think potentially could cause more? Well, that could be C4, that could be plastic explosives.
- [121:11]
D
Why?
- [121:12]
C
Why?
- [121:12]
A
People bring food from home on the plane, though. I don't know what the rules are. I don't know when they decide.
- [121:19]
C
I'll tell you when they decide. When somebody brings a burrito bomb onto a flight, then there will be no more food. But up until that point, the water. And maybe you go, look, you can't X ray water. But then here's my argument, okay? You've taken the nitroglycerin that I'm carrying from the Milwaukee airport back to LA that the group of tired white guys are carrying. Okay, fine. You know where you put it? And a fucking hopper in between the two conveyor belts, right behind where the chick is standing the whole time I'm looking at the bucket of explosive water that's in there. Well, what if it is nitro? What if it is gonna just blow us all up? What if it's glycerin?
- [122:03]
B
Like on a busy day? You could do more damage to that. Blowing up a garbage can full of, you know, whatever, with the snaked line, with the security line, the snakes around than you could on almost any plane.
- [122:13]
A
Always makes me uncomfortable when you're mention this. Because it's true.
- [122:15]
C
It's so true. There's a huge line of people. Now, the rally is. And I agree with me, because this is my idea. I want full credit. The way you kill people with bombs is you put a bunch of Rusty nails and bolts and things in it. You really couldn't do that with this. The water, on the other hand, if it's an explosive, if it's too dangerous to bring on the plane, if it's potentially too dangerous to bring on the plane, why then just set it in between the entire traveling public and the airplane? At least be consistent. It goes into one of those bins that they keep at the nursery school for toys.
- [122:55]
A
Is there thought that if it really is explosives, you're not going to be willing to part with it to get on the plane? So therefore, if you.
- [123:02]
C
They have no thought.
- [123:03]
A
Right? And what about those little strips that sometimes they put in the water or pass over it? Remember? Or when they make you take a sip?
- [123:10]
C
Yeah, they used to make you take a sip. I'm just saying take the tongs out and put it in the lead lined fucking bucket that's out in the tarmac. Don't just set them all. I see them all. Mine ended up. I fucked up and threw one in my backpack and it ended up in just the General Hopper with 28 other bottles that could have all been explosives or theoretically are there, because potentially they could be. All right, phone calls. Steven from Cleveland, you want to just start at the top, work our way down the bottom. Stephen, 24, Cleveland. What's going on? Hey, Adam. Big support of the show. Thanks, man. I was wondering what boxing tips you're going to give Sonny when he gets old enough that he needs to know how to defend himself. It's just a waste of my time. He came up tonight to tell me about his Cub Scouts and to tell me about how they're making a boat. Well, I was skipping my rope. I go skip my rope every night. He comes up, sometimes he whacks the heavy bag, sometimes I hold the focus pads for him and then I do this cool move where he throws the punch and I loosen my hand up and it goes sailing across the room and I go, whoa, you almost took my hand off with it. No more delightful thing can a kid be engaged in than that one big punch where the thing just goes sailing across the room into the curtains.
- [124:35]
B
Just as he thought he was an all baseball player for grounding out to the catcher. Does he think he's the next Ivan Drago?
- [124:41]
C
To be fair, the pitcher could have jumped on it, but a catcher was a little more aggressive. But he still got inside.
- [124:47]
B
He was already in a crouch. So he was like sprung up.
- [124:49]
C
Yeah, I showed him a little bit of form on the heavy bag and he punches. Okay. He takes a little pride in it. And one of my better, actually. I've realized it, although it doesn't work, but my greatest trait is actually teaching people because. And let me explain why.
- [125:18]
B
Go ahead.
- [125:19]
A
I'm laughing at you saying it doesn't work.
- [125:21]
B
You said teaching, not training.
- [125:23]
C
Teaching, training. Same. I mean, because most of the guys I worked with, they knew how to box, but they couldn't convey ideas, you know, And I would draw these sort of pictures for people.
- [125:34]
A
Yeah. Having a talent doesn't necessarily mean you can show it to someone else. That's its own skill.
- [125:38]
C
When you're a boxer, you can barely form a fucking sentence. And I would get these people like lined up and I'd get that left jab out in front of them. I'd get their right by their head and I'd say, now when you throw that right pull, pretend you're pulling a handle and it's like a scissor action, like a mechanical action. Hold that left out and then pull that handle and snap that thing like you're snapping a towel. And I'd go, look. You know, when you throw your jab, it's like a towel. A towel. If you just push it out there, it just hits somebody. But if you pull it back at the right second, you snap it, it creates a snap action. That's what you need. And I could draw these pictures and people got good at what I was telling them to do. It doesn't work with things like shutting the fucking lights off anywhere, but it works good for boxing training. So I've coached up Sonny, and he's okay. He's the sweetest boy in the world. He's a world class puss. I brought him with me today on the double ended board because I was doing my. I broke my jump rope. So I was doing my double ended medicine ball routine, which is I get the medicine ball and I get on the board that has the cylinder.
- [126:54]
A
The balance board.
- [126:55]
C
The balance board, yeah. It's got like the Quaker Oats cylinder made out of hard plastic sitting in between it. Yeah. And on the other, it's a half a snowboard on each side of it. And I ride on it and I take this medicine ball and I try to go around my back. And my plan is 10 times one way, 10 times the other way in under 20 seconds. That's my plan. I look at the clock.
- [127:14]
A
Do you do it?
- [127:15]
C
Yeah, I can do it. Do it in 19 seconds. I can't do it in 17 seconds. I'm right. If I don't Fuck up. And I don't catch one of my hips or anything like that. I can take my, like 12 pound medicine ball and go round this way and around that way, but I got to do it on the balance.
- [127:28]
A
You're like, Shakira.
- [127:30]
C
Yeah. My hips don't lie. And I grab. What I'll do is I'll grab Natalia and throw her up there with me. And then sometimes I'll swing her around something and she can ride it. Sonny gets on and I'm like, just ride. Just feel it. Just bounce. I hang on to you. Just lean and stuff. He wants nothing to do with it. And I know what it is. He has the puss gene, and she has the daredevil gene. And when they get their driver's licenses, he's gonna be announcing, everyone buckle up. Even though I'm backing down the driveway.
- [128:02]
B
This car will not go anywhere.
- [128:03]
C
Right.
- [128:05]
B
I'm looking at you, Dan.
- [128:06]
C
She's gonna be. Every time it rains, she's gonna be at the Costco parking lot doing donuts at 2am that's what the daredevil gene is. It's just simply a gene. It's a cautious gene versus a let's catch some air gene. I had friends that had the cautious gene. Not many. They were made fun of and ridiculed and pushed out of the herd, as it will.
- [128:29]
A
Which one are you?
- [128:30]
C
I started with an insane daredevil gene. Crazed daredevil. It didn't matter. It wasn't to show off. I had to do it.
- [128:40]
A
Like, adrenaline junkie, kind of.
- [128:41]
C
I had. What would happen was there were things in my life, there were hurdles that needed to be overcome, and they were never scholastic hurdles. They're always like, I got to jump my bike off that loading dock behind Gelson's important endeavors. Important endeavors. And it wasn't that I had to get people together to watch me do it. Oh, no, I had to do it. So the way I was wired is I would ride my bike, my little BMX bike by the back of the Gelsons, and I'd see that 42 inch loading dock that would. Higher than 3ft, maybe lower than 4, maybe right around 4 foot. And it was where the trucks, where the semis would unload, they'd have that little dip, and the cars, the semis would back it up. And it was back in the good old days when everything didn't have to have wire and barbed wire and fencing around it, security and everything. It was just open. And if it was a Sunday and they were closed or was in the evening or there was nothing going on. Like, there wasn't a semi unloading. It was just empty. And there was no railing or anything. It was just there. And when you rode past it on the street level, you just kind of see it in the big drop off. And it be the kind of thing where I'd ride past it and I'd go, man, I wonder if I got the guts to go off that thing. Like just to get a run at it and just go off it, you know? And I thought, oh, no, that's a little bit scary. And then I was intrigued. And this is, you know, I didn't have a helmet or elbow pads or anything. Like, if you're gonna eat shit, you're gonna eat shit. And I thought, now what's the way to go at this fast? You don't want to go too slow. If you go slow, you're just going over the handlebars. But pull up too hard, maybe you pull back too far. But it bothered me. It bothered the shit out of me. I had to do it. I just had to do it. I had to do it. And eventually I just did it. And I had many of many episode that way.
- [130:35]
A
How'd it go?
- [130:37]
C
That episode went pretty good. The stairs at the church that I had to clear on the same bike after I graduated the sixth grade went horribly awry. I hit both sides of the concrete wall and got all fucked up. But I still had to do it.
- [130:50]
A
It's interesting. I mean, it sounds like a motivating thing that was. It's good that you had this compulsion, but it's a little bit ocd, would you agree? This thing where it's like, I have to do this thing now that it's in my head.
- [131:02]
C
Yeah. I stood on my. Even when I was like 16, my friend Steve had a house. I mean, his parents had a house up in the hills and they had a swimming pool. And it's like kind of small, hilly backyard, kidney bean shaped, kind of narrow swimming pool. And there was a chimney that was sort of inboard the edge of the roof about six feet. And it was up pretty high, about five or six feet. And I would jump off the chimney into the pool, which was fine. You had to clear a little bit of concrete, but it was no big deal. But I decided I need to do a flip. And then I decided that would be scary because going upside down over the concrete would not. And you could jump too far too, because the pool kind of dipped in. And I just thought, well, I got to do this man, and I stood up on the. On there for a long time. And I remember at some point there was like a party going on at the house, and I just went out to the back and stood up on top of the pool and my trunks, and no one else was back there. I just stood there alone on top of the chimney. And I just stood there just staring at that pool, trying to sort of navigate the sort of concrete, you know, too far, too close. Don't push too hard, but push hard enough to get out there. And then I did it. And I used to be wired that way to quite a great extent. It bothered me. If there's something that bothered me. I used to. One of my big ones was I used to ride my unicycle off of things all the time, off of little slightly smaller loading docks and things like that. But one thing that always fucked with me is I wanted to ride one off a school bench, the regular kind, that had that weird fiberglass cap on it from back then, like a metal base. And they're a little bit higher than your average bench. Yeah, like a playground. School playground bench. And there were, you know, about 10 inches wide, maybe 11 inches wide, about 8, 7, 8ft long. I had a little fiberglass cap on them, and they were up maybe about 16 inches. And I knew I could ride right off it. But what I didn't know is if I could get up on my unicycle on it. And what I knew was if I got to the end and I tried to hop up on my unicycle, that if I took my one foot off and stepped on it, I could easily go right or left, because at the beginning, you go right, left, like, kind of hard first when you jump on. And if I went half off, I'd eat shit. And I'd eat shit pretty good, like, right there. Like, I could sort of weigh what was going to happen when this thing happened. But it bothered me. It bothered me for a long time, and then. And then I did it. So sometimes I would eat shit, sometimes I wouldn't. But it would always bother me, and I'd always have to do it. And when it came to something like a fight, if somebody said, we're going to fight, I'd say, then we're going to fight, and we just go fight. And that's just how I was. I would never. I wasn't a weirdo. I didn't go, like, pick fights. I didn't, you know, go, you know, go after cops or do stupid shit like that. But if you know, if somebody, like I said somebody said, I'm coming over there and I'm kicking your ass, I'd go, come on down and I'll be right here. And I'm just waiting for him.
- [134:07]
A
So you said you used to be wired. You used to have the daredevil gene. You feel like you don't have that anymore?
- [134:13]
C
No, not anymore. Although I'd probably still fight somebody if they wanted to fight. But no, I don't have the daredevil gene anymore.
- [134:24]
B
I feel like outside of bars, adult fights just don't happen that much. No, I used to see him once in a while at a bar or something and a couple guys getting a scrap. But of course there was booze and probably going after the same girl or something. Yeah, some igniter.
- [134:38]
C
Yeah, yeah, I don't have it. I like to race the cars. That's about it. But you know, you try to make that as safe as possible. Steven. Steven. Yeah, I'm here. So I'm going to teach Sonny how to punch. But he's going to be a puss. That much I know. Well, I'm a puss too. And I was. From one puss to another, I was just advice. Well, you guys, you can be pussed it behind asking for advice for a seven year old. Well, which you guys, maybe you can be puss. Pen pals. Like, he writes you letters. He writes you letters like I opened a shoebox and a moth blew out. I scared the shit out of myself. And then you write back, oh, dear God.
- [135:19]
B
What did you do when you came to?
- [135:23]
C
I called the fire department. Yeah, you could tell tales of the puss.
- [135:27]
B
That's only prudent.
- [135:28]
C
Yeah, it was like you could tell all sorts of great stories about, like you were in the front yard and you dropped your keys and right as you bent over, as you were standing, the mailman walked up behind you and scared the shit out of you.
- [135:40]
A
Oh my God.
- [135:41]
C
Oh my God. What did you do? Yeah. Tales of the Puss with Stephen and Sonny.
- [135:49]
B
New podcast on the network.
- [135:50]
C
Oh, my God. My neighbor hung a new wind chime and I'd never heard it before. And all of a sudden a gust came around when I was wandering the lawn. Almost jumped out of my skin.
- [135:59]
A
I was up in the middle of the night and I knew someone was down the hall, someone who also lives in the house. But then when they came down the hall and I jumped anyway.
- [136:06]
C
That's right. Had to give away the cat. Turned on the bathroom light and walked across the room. Scared the shit out of me? Yeah. Tales of the wuss with Steven and Sonny. So that's how he's wired. And Natalia sadly not wired that way. Like I said, does the did it to me again just the other night. Does the I want to launch myself off the bed Superman style at you and then as I'm in the air do that move where you look away and pretend someone else is coming so you scare the shit out of me while I'm in the air.
- [136:39]
A
She asked you to do the move.
- [136:41]
C
Her thing was an interesting trajectory as I've spoken about before. First she said, well let's lesson learned. First time when she was two and a half or three, I stood by that bed and she said move it back. And it was funny because Nanny Olga was reminding me she didn't even know how to say go backwards. She said less forward because she had a limited vocabulary. She's two and a half or three. She said less forward and I took a step back and she said less forward, Dada. And I said all right. And I kept hanging. She just kept waving me back at age. I said two and a half, three. And then she got a run and she did a Superman off the edge of the bed and she ate carpet. And yes, that's a euphemism for going down on another. No, she fucking went face first in thing and she was crying and I said, well don't push daddy back so far next time. You got to keep me in range. I told you I wasn't going to be able to get you and you won anyway.
- [137:38]
B
Something like that would be the lead story on Tales from the Puss.
- [137:40]
C
That's right.
- [137:41]
B
Is it Tales from the Puss or what are we cleaning up for sponsors?
- [137:43]
C
Wuss, Puss, doesn't matter. So I then started doing this thing where she'd do the Superwoman dive and I'd catch her and she'd want me to catch her and swing her around and then launch her back into the bed as high as I could. And just for fun I started doing this move where I would, I'll act it out. I would just lean forward. She'd the bed is, you know, three feet off the ground. She'd get running and I'd be standing good six, seven, eight feet away. But I have long arms and I would lean forward and she'd do a head first launch. And right when she launched off the bed, as soon as she got to that point of no return, just as her feet toes were leaving the edge of the comforter, I would go, molly girl, And I would turn, and her face would have this look of horror, like, oh, my God, I'm sailing into this guy's knees, and he's not looking. And I would do it with, like. I would do it with Lynette, like, oh, Lynette's home. And I would turn, and she'd go. And so at a certain point, she said, daddy, Daddy, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. And then she would start running at me, and I'd have to kind of time it. And she'd go like. She'd fake jumping, like, you don't do that. Don't do that. And I said, no, I'm not going to do it. And she started running again. And right when she got to a point where it was like, again, it was sort of like trying to time a pitcher. When you're stealing a base, they're trying to hold you there, but at a certain point, they're making a move. And when she made that move for the plate, I would do the move or, oh, God, hey. And she'd do that face. But after a couple of those times, she started requesting it. She said, do the move. I like being scared. I mean, she basically, at age four and a half, went, do it. Do that move. That scares the shit out of me when I'm in the air. It was exciting enough, her just launching herself off the side of the bed. No, no. She needed a little. She wanted a little more.
- [139:40]
A
Wow.
- [139:41]
C
She wanted that danger. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now light the pole on fire. I'll cheat death once again. Yeah. So what you have there is not any kind of. Well, she saw that episode of Caillou where he jumped his motorcycle over the sandbox. No. And it's not like. Well, you encourage her, but. No.
- [140:16]
A
You don't think it's video games making her do it?
- [140:19]
C
No. When you have twins, you realize very quickly all these assholes with their PhDs don't know fucking shit. It has nothing to do with anything. Sunny's a puss. She's a daredevil. That's the way it is. Sometimes it's the guy that's the daredevil. Oftentimes it's the guy. Sometimes it's the galaxy. That's the way this one works. No encouragement. No. You know what it is? It's right up there with your calves.
- [140:47]
A
My right one's the daredevil.
- [140:49]
C
No, no, no, no. I'm switching gears here. There's people that have big, beautiful, knotty, muscular calves. And then there's people that don't, and.
- [140:58]
A
They go, you're talking about Will Sasso again, aren't you?
- [141:02]
C
Thinking about it. No, he's just a big dude. But with beautiful calves. Yeah, beautiful, sculpted calves, all oiled up in bronze. Soft to the touch.
- [141:14]
A
Calves don't quit.
- [141:15]
C
No, what I'm saying is, is there are the dudes who have big calves. Look, there are plenty of guys who play in the NFL with calves that are much skinnier than Dawson's. Now you. Everyone has a thing.
- [141:27]
B
Joe Montana, legendary chicken legs.
- [141:29]
C
Where'd you get those calves? Well, I was on the tennis team in high school. You're 34 now and you're an alcoholic. You know what I mean? Where'd you get those calves? Well, I used to wrestle. Not, you know, in junior high. You know, it's like. No, no, no, no. I did gymnastics. I did ballet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Lawrence Taylor's calves aren't as good as your calves. And he's done a lot more fucking running from, you know, defensive offensive tackles and the police, by the way, than you. Your calves are. Your calves. That's what you're born with. That's what you got. Most of it is this. How'd you get bald? Oh, shampoo. Or the conditioner. Lightning sleeping on your fucking head. Or living too close to the power. No, that's you born. There's guys who have a thick head of. Look. Some guys go gray. Some guys start going gray in their 20s. Many guys go 24 years old and start going gray. Then there's the crazy guy who's 70 years old with a full head of black hair. What did he. Oh, you know what he did every morning. He started every morning with two raw eggs and he walked them out like. Oh, stop it. Shut up. It's just genetics. It's pure genetics. It's only genetics. He has the wuss gene. She has the daredevil gene. Now, here's our job. Try not to get her killed attempting to jump a snowmobile. Try not for him to get his ass kicked because he won't put his fucking dukes up when he's being provoked in the schoolyard. That's now the job as a parent. What got them there? That's nature. That's them. That's who they are.
- [143:10]
B
Let me ask you this, because I used to do plenty of dumb shit that I saw on tv, usually involving WF wrestling or something like that. I put my brother in a chokehold. And my thing is, I feel like all of us as kids saw the same thing, whether it was movies or TV shows or video games or whatever the generational thing is. And to certain people it seems like a great idea, hey, let's go try that. And to other people it doesn't see that seems dangerous or whatever it is. Like the tv. The input we get, whether it's TV or sports or video games, must have some triggering effect.
- [143:39]
F
You know what?
- [143:40]
C
You know what?
- [143:40]
B
I did more flying elbows off, you know, my hedges than any kid my age.
- [143:44]
C
What I think is it is the modality that you express this through. So in the 50s, there'd be the Lone Ranger in Tonto and you'd be treating your Schwinn like it was a horse. And your job was to jump from your horse to Tonto's horse while he was going down the street. You know, later on it becomes Batman, pow, Sock, crack. Then later on it becomes wrestling, WWE or F. You're the same, it's the same guy. It's how it's expressed. It's expressed through whatever's going on.
- [144:23]
A
It's like the symbol that is expressed through.
- [144:25]
C
Yeah. Like, I'm guessing if somebody loves music or loves to dance, it's going to be you're going to be doing the Charleston or you're going to be doing the robot. It depends when you were born, if you love to dance. So those who love to dance will dance. Whatever the era is. If you were born in the 50s, if you're born in the 50s, you would be doing Lone Ranger stunt moves. That's what I, that's what I believe. So I don't think the Lone Ranger makes you do the move and I don't think WWE makes you do the move. It gives you something to mimic.
- [144:59]
B
Right. Whatever that is of your generation, that'll be your thing that you. If it's Grand Theft Auto, you're going to go around, you know, with your finger. If you're a little kid or whatever.
- [145:07]
C
It is, you must have that, that, that thing to mimic and the gene that wants to go out and mimic it. All right. Ah. I'll tell you who you should mimic. DraftKings. DraftKings.com baby. America's favorite one week fantasy football league. Oh, imagine if he had The Rams kicker. 50 yards.
- [145:31]
B
That's like six points you just lost out on too. They give you more points for more distance.
- [145:34]
C
Mmm. My listeners won some serious do re me this weekend@draftkings.com now how you hang in there, ball Bryant, I told you.
- [145:44]
B
I entered four contests this weekend. I won two. I won two contests. And by the way, had it not been for Michael Vick getting an injury early in his game, I might have won all four. But it's actually, I kind of prefer it now to regular fantasy football.
- [145:56]
C
You know, when you see a guy like Vic get injured, you realize there is no God.
- [146:00]
B
He cost me points.
- [146:01]
C
There's just no God when a guy like that goes down. You know what I mean? So sad. Dawson. Right now, Adam Carolla. Listeners get up to $600 free. Use promo code Adam. And for every dollar you deposit, DraftKings will match it up to 600 bucks. That's 600 bucks, totally free. Hurry. This amazing offer expires this Friday. Enter Adam today@draftkings.com DraftKings all right, let's power through a couple of calls, and then we'll bring Max in here and start making with the mirth. Hey, Brandon, 23 from Michigan. What's going on? Hey. Not too much. How's everybody? Good. Hey, had a quick question for you, and I know you hate podcast questions. They get the best in the business. Just thought I'd ask. When do you think you should start selling advertising on your podcast? Well, I think when you can.
- [146:50]
A
He has Giovanni's voice.
- [146:52]
C
He does. Have you stolen Giovanni's voice? Giovanni and I saw each other yesterday evening and stole it from him.
- [147:02]
B
Oh, I don't think that's true.
- [147:04]
C
No, no, it's not true. Not at all. But it was cool for a second. When you can find advertisers and people to pay you for mentioning their products, I think you should go ahead and do it. What are you waiting for? I didn't know if you had any thoughts about verbal listeners or anything like that. Well, you try to, you know, look, you try to build your listenership, and you try to monetize your podcast. I never looked at it as anything differently than radio. It's just you get people to listen. If you can get enough people to listen, you can get some advertisers on board, and then you can keep your business going.
- [147:45]
B
I feel like it's. I think we'd all agree it's probably less about number of listeners than it is about how many of those listeners are going to support your advertisers. Go out and click through to this or try this out for your free trial of this. If you have a listenership that likes your show and is dedicated to your show and use compelling content and they're going to support you, by all means go to your advertiser with that, yeah.
- [148:03]
C
There is a little bit of a new model in that. Back in the day, you know, whatever shows, Dukes of hazzard would get 27 million people watching. But I don't know how many people went out and supported Budweiser, whoever was advertising. Now, look, nothing wrong with 27 million eyeballs, but now it's about taking a smaller group, motivating that group, and, you know, the fewer but proud. It's sort of like, you know, I guess it's like what you want is Seal Team 6 versus just a big, shitty, untrained Iraqi army. You know, you realize that a handful of guys that are motivated and well trained with the right equipment can really do the work of thousands of men on the ground because they're just that good.
- [148:49]
A
When it comes to buying stuff.
- [148:51]
C
Yeah. When it comes to buying stuff, no. Yeah. But, you know, when we go out and do the live shows, I don't know how many fans we have in Seattle, but we get, you know, 14, 1500 people through Seattle. Maybe we only have 1500 fans in Seattle, and maybe we get every single one of them out there. It doesn't matter to me. If we said we have 25 million listeners, but we couldn't sell the second show, then it's academic to me. And one person more than the 1500 after the theater sold out is sort of academic, too, because there's not a chair for them to sit in and not a ticket to sell them. So I'd much rather have these sort of few but proud. And I'd love to have the large and proud as well, but I would be proud. Yeah. Well, I would rather have a small, motivated army that I could call to action rather than a large sort of passive group that really wasn't going to get involved.
- [149:52]
B
And as it pertains to advertising, do you guys feel. I kind of feel like if the word gets out that, oh, this show's fans, they show up, they're dedicated, they whatever, they'll come through. I mean, I feel like it's a valuable thing in what is kind of a small world, the advertising world, you know, people that. The buyers that spend the money.
- [150:08]
C
Agreed.
- [150:09]
B
When I say buyers, I mean the ad buyers that spend, you know, choose to advertise on the Adam Pearl show.
- [150:13]
C
Or buy a ringtone like Pussy Lips. That's right. Go to AdamCroll.com you can get our new latest ringtone, Pussy Lips. Allison, you were going to say something?
- [150:24]
A
Oh, I was going to say, but I do think the advertisers on podcasts want to know the numbers.
- [150:30]
C
Oh, yeah.
- [150:31]
A
You know, I think perhaps you can try to convince them that no, there's a small group, but they're very motivated. But they're still gonna want to see there's a lot of people listening.
- [150:39]
C
Here's what they're gonna do. They are gonna give you a shot to move the needle, as they say. And it doesn't matter how many listeners you tell them you have. If the phone doesn't ring on their end, then they won't be interested. If you say you have a million listeners and they don't get a phone call, then they're not interested in rescue re upping with you. If you tell them you have 100 listeners and all 100 call, then they will re up with you. So it's not necessarily about the number. It's about the percentage. Obviously, when the number is greater, then usually you get a larger group, even if the percentage is a little off. All right, let's take a break. Let's bring our guest in here. Max Muchnik is coming in. Creator Will and Grace, many other shows and working on a bunch of new stuff as well. We'll talk to Max next. Max Muchnik is here. Max and I spoke creator Will and Grace, many other shows. Currently working on some cool stuff. And we'll talk about that in a second. But Max and I were speaking backstage, as it were said, we have much in common. We both have twins, a pussy and.
- [151:48]
E
A macher, as we say in the tribe. I have a tough one and I have a retard is really how it goes.
- [151:57]
C
Yeah, maybe that's good, but it really.
- [152:00]
E
It falls down these very clear lines. Okay. I did a thing called gestational surrogacy. Okay. I'm married to a guy, and we fertilize four eggs. Okay? Four go into the surrogate. Two fertilized by me, two fertilized by my husband Eric. Okay. And two came out. One was biologically his. The other one was biologically mine.
- [152:27]
C
Is that perfect?
- [152:28]
E
That's kind of perfect. It's a bullseye.
- [152:29]
C
That's the plan.
- [152:30]
E
That is the plan. We had two girls, and I will say that I literally sobbed when the doctor told me that I was having two daughters. I mean, I just didn't see that happening. I just didn't know that that's the way that that was going to go. And, you know, and it did. And it's perfect. And it worked, right?
- [152:47]
A
What gave birth the tough one?
- [152:49]
E
What?
- [152:49]
C
Yeah.
- [152:50]
A
Which one is the tough one?
- [152:52]
E
Biologically, which one is the tough One. Yeah, mine. I mean, I guess it's going out on air now. You know, everyone's gonna know. But, yes, the tough one is mine.
- [153:01]
C
But when you do the two and two, the two and two, the plan is to get one, or the plan.
- [153:09]
E
Is to get one.
- [153:11]
C
You can't.
- [153:11]
E
Because of Octomom, you can't do more than four anymore in California. It's actually a law.
- [153:16]
B
Thanks a lot.
- [153:18]
E
Yes, thanks a lot. But, you know, so you hope for one, you know, two is a good thing. Three is scary.
- [153:27]
C
Right.
- [153:27]
E
But two is also scary.
- [153:28]
C
Right.
- [153:29]
E
They don't tell you that two is scary. And when that's, like, real. That's real surgery. When that's happening.
- [153:36]
A
What.
- [153:37]
C
And so biologically, you just realize how incredibly different everybody is. And that's why all this sort of shaping and molding we try to do is sort of. I don't know what you do, you know, I don't know what you do with the tough one to soften them up, and I don't know what you do with the soft one to toughen them up.
- [153:55]
E
I mostly handle the pussy. I mean, I take. You know, I just try to ironically. Yeah, I know, exactly. But, you know, I shouldn't have set.
- [154:05]
C
You up for that.
- [154:06]
E
But, you know, it's just. It just worked out that way. And it's also amazing because one looks exactly like my mother and one looks exactly like Eric's mother.
- [154:18]
C
I mean, and what do you do? And this is a politically incorrect question, but it's true. Biologically, as I've seen it.
- [154:25]
D
Yeah.
- [154:25]
C
My wife and my kids have a totally different relationship than I have with my kids. And she represents something much different to them than I do. And I realize I'm the guy, and maybe I'm overdoing it in the guy department and she's overdoing it in the mom department. But there's a woman role and a male role, and it's almost like, I don't know, hormone replacement therapy or something. If there was two of me with my kids, no matter how nice the other one of me would be, there'd still be a void there. Like a feminine void. Do you try to fill that at all?
- [155:04]
E
I was absolutely worried about that. I mean, you know, I thought, there is not going to be chick energy in this house. And it was a concern of mine. I mean, we're, you know, we're not the most manly men in the world. I mean, you know, we're okay with all of it, you know, so it's like I'm Sensitive to what's going on with these girls. And I don't try to push any agenda, per se, but I was very worried about it. What was gonna happen to two little girls that were gonna be raised by two guys?
- [155:39]
C
Is there an attempt. Like, for instance, I was a Catholic big brother. I'm an atheist, but I'm a Jewish big brother. Oh, good.
- [155:45]
E
Yeah.
- [155:46]
C
I got involved in that program and it was like, well, these boys need a man around the house too. Billion X, Y and Z. Take him to the beach and buy him Taco Bell. Really is what it turned out to be. But is there ever any? Like, here is your female nanny who's going to come in here and rub her stink on you for two hours a day.
- [156:05]
E
They don't want it. They don't even want it. It's not what they're looking for. They don't. And specifically because of what I just said, you know, this gestational surrogacy, because one looks exactly like me and one looks exactly like Eric. These two girls sit at breakfast and dinner, and they look at the family and everybody looks like each other. So they don't even have that moment where they're thinking to themselves, something's missing. There is a. There is a character that's not here. In fact, the surrogate that carried the girls, not related to the. Not related to them. She's just. The oven. She recently.
- [156:39]
C
Is it her egg?
- [156:41]
E
No, that's not legal.
- [156:42]
C
That's, that's not. Oh, because that would make them half her.
- [156:45]
E
That would be. She would be the mother.
- [156:46]
C
Right.
- [156:47]
E
You know, so you get, go through.
- [156:48]
C
The catalog to get the egg.
- [156:50]
E
It's a buy now situation. Yes. You, you, you get it. You get a code.
- [156:53]
C
Have you ever paid more for something that was donated?
- [156:56]
E
You know, you know, the way that that goes. It's like you get access to a, to a bank. And that night, you go online and you just, you look at these women, these eligible women.
- [157:09]
A
What kind of information are you provided with?
- [157:12]
E
It's limited at the beginning initially, until you get to the point where you say, this is the one that I want. I was going for all looks. My husband was going for all brains. He's a good looking guy. You know, I'm Jewy McJew who's losing his hair, you know, and so it was just like, I just want him pretty. And I can, I can figure everything else out. You know, I'll teach them everything they need to know.
- [157:34]
C
Yeah, but you didn't know at that point there were even gonna Be girls at that point, you had no idea.
- [157:38]
E
But doesn't pretty make it better for everybody?
- [157:41]
C
You know, but I'll put it to you this way. For a dude, it helps, but I've worked on a construction site, cleaned up garbage and dug ditches with a lot of good looking, hunky dudes that weren't models and didn't have that in between thing where they could just get a kind of cushy job as a receptionist at a law firm because they were so easy on the eyes.
- [158:03]
E
They didn't leverage it. I mean, they could.
- [158:04]
C
They didn't leverage it. They didn't use it. Well, they could have used. Yes, exactly. They did not leverage it.
- [158:09]
E
Not at all. But you know what? If you choose to use that, you can, you can do that. So you get this catalog, you look at these characters and you have to go for it immediately on a face.
- [158:22]
A
You see their photo.
- [158:24]
E
You see. Yeah, you see the photo.
- [158:26]
C
Do you see their educational background?
- [158:29]
E
It's very limited. It will say, you know, higher education, high school, you know, it's limited. And then when you get on board.
- [158:40]
C
And you say, is there a price at that point?
- [158:43]
E
Yes, but you could, like, there's some very. It's not regulated by any medical body, so it's a little bit funky. And there is actually a system in place in New York where you can do Ivy League eggs. Okay. And they're more expensive.
- [159:02]
C
Yeah, sure.
- [159:03]
E
And people go for it. And those are in the fifty and sixty thousand dollars, you know, you know, area. Or you can buy like schleppy eggs for 15, you know, like the going.
- [159:18]
A
Rate is like day old.
- [159:19]
E
Yeah, something like that.
- [159:20]
C
Do the women know when it's been purchased?
- [159:27]
E
Yes, but these are women who are usually. They're not necessarily educated, but they are bright and they need money and this is a way that they can do it. And they want nothing to do with you. They don't want to know you. And it's really an intense situation because when the magic happens, when it all goes down and you know, it has to be put inside the stories surrogate, everybody's in the same building at the same time.
- [160:00]
C
The egg.
- [160:01]
E
Everybody's in the same building at the same time, room after room. But I am not meeting.
- [160:04]
C
Oh. Because they have to harvest the egg at that time. It's not a bank situation.
- [160:09]
E
You're doing everything. Everything's fresh.
- [160:11]
C
So you get an egg straight from the chicken. It goes across to be fertilized and then it goes up into. Right.
- [160:21]
E
You know, that's how it goes.
- [160:22]
C
So you.
- [160:23]
E
It all. It all happens. And you. When you walk into that room and you know, gay guys also, you can't. You can't be in the room with each other. You know what? You know, you have to make your sample in your room. And you know, I've even been around, you know, I mean, we did this six years ago, seven years ago. Oh.
- [160:46]
C
Because you cannot contaminate your sample possibly.
- [160:50]
E
So you go in there and there's the porn collection that's there waiting for you. And ooh, they got the gay box.
- [160:57]
C
They got the gay box.
- [160:58]
E
No gay box.
- [160:59]
C
What?
- [160:59]
E
No gay box.
- [161:00]
C
That's an outrage.
- [161:01]
B
I encountered the same thing. Sperm bank. No, I did the sperm bank thing because I have cancer. And before I started my treatment, I banked some sperm and I went to one in Beverly Hills, which is a fairly liberal. I'm sure there's a fair amount of gay population. No gay porn in the booth. I was like, what do they have? Do gay men have their own fabulous reproductive centers? Like, is there no. Is there no gay material for anyone?
- [161:23]
E
No, I guess we just. It's all. It's all bank stuff. It's all things that we have at the bank. No, it was terrible. It was an absolutely crazy, rough situation.
- [161:30]
C
Wow.
- [161:31]
E
But. But very.
- [161:32]
C
Well, that's why you gotta pack your own porn. I mean, you just. That's on you. I travel with the porn, what I call like a Leatherman ironically. But it's, you know, it's just something you should keep with you in case you break down or something like that.
- [161:44]
E
You know, there were no iPads in those days. I mean, that wasn't going on. You know, you didn't travel with that.
- [161:49]
C
Stuff again, if you'd had your own porn with you, we wouldn't be talking about this right now. But anyway, anyway, it was a learning. It was a teachable experience. It was a learning experience. It's just not.
- [161:58]
E
I'm here to help.
- [161:58]
C
You're externalizing this one, Max. But I would think there should be a bi basket and a gay basket.
- [162:06]
A
And all sorts of weird shit basket.
- [162:08]
C
Who knows? I don't feel. I don't think there's an obligation to feed your fetish, but maybe I'm into horses. That's up to you.
- [162:15]
E
Yeah, that's side load.
- [162:16]
A
Yeah, but what about me?
- [162:17]
C
Yeah, well, what I'm saying is straight in a gay basket and possibly a bye basket. That's what we need again, if you're going to be in your own weird shit. Like if you like your Own. If you like horseradish on your hot dog, you bring it into the fucking ballpark. I'm not going to. I'm not going to.
- [162:31]
E
And isn't that just a straight basket? Yeah, I mean, that's not a gay basket. I mean, there's nothing. We don't. We don't want that.
- [162:39]
C
I don't want to buys either, so I don't know who's gonna claim.
- [162:41]
E
I don't know about that. I don't. No one seems to want to take that on.
- [162:44]
B
Did you guys have the same experience I did in the. In the booth? The porn had all been stolen. The DVDs of porn were all gone.
- [162:53]
C
Really? Yes.
- [162:54]
B
I just yelled, but yes.
- [162:56]
E
I was overwhelmed by how skanky the. The magazines were.
- [163:00]
B
There were a wide variety of fetishes.
- [163:02]
E
They were in crazy bad shape. Like they had been killed, twisted, and held and, you know, like, it should.
- [163:06]
C
Be just so clutch.
- [163:08]
A
I mean, I imagine this is all very expensive. They should provide you with fresh porn.
- [163:11]
E
Go to Kinko's, laminate the stuff, and just put it in a bind, you know, and just make it waterproof.
- [163:17]
C
Waterproof? Yeah. Also, I mean, to be fair, there is a dude with a boner in the straight porn. I mean, it's not like there's no. There's no croutons in that salad you couldn't pick out. You know, there's a little something there.
- [163:27]
E
I understand what you're talking about, but I don't.
- [163:29]
A
Maybe the lettuce messes it up for him, though.
- [163:31]
C
The lettuce messed up the kid eyes. Can't just pick them through.
- [163:34]
E
I'm not. I'm. You know, I just heard this the other day. I'm a gold star gay. You know, it's like, that's not. I don't want to go there. That's not interesting to me.
- [163:41]
C
So I stay away from dude with a boner. Not enough.
- [163:44]
E
All right, well, dude with a boner is fine. It's, you know, everything else. That's where he puts it. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to.
- [163:50]
C
I don't want painted by titties.
- [163:52]
E
I just don't want to look it. And I've got daughters. I've got to be very careful.
- [163:55]
B
But I like the Mutnick story.
- [163:57]
E
Yeah. I mean, this is so heavy. I mean, I've never talked about. I mean, my poor girls, you know, but it's like, you know, yeah, I've got a house full of vagina. But I mean, I. I'm convinced that there's a brain in there. It looks like there's a brain in there.
- [164:09]
A
In the vagina.
- [164:10]
E
Yeah. It's crazy. Well, they. They insist that's where it is. On spreading their legs.
- [164:14]
C
Yes, yes, I've been looking.
- [164:17]
E
Yes, there it is. But it's just bananas down there, you know, they insist on showing it to you from the second that they're aware of it.
- [164:25]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [164:26]
E
You better take us somewhere else because it's weird.
- [164:28]
C
No, no, I agree.
- [164:30]
B
It's usually where it goes.
- [164:30]
C
I'm with you by this point.
- [164:31]
B
The show.
- [164:33]
C
So you make your sample. You make your sample drawing on imagination, and you have a rich and vivid imagination.
- [164:40]
E
Yeah.
- [164:40]
C
And you do great television for Christmas.
- [164:42]
E
I've read television.
- [164:44]
A
The surrogate that you chose, is that someone that you knew or was that.
- [164:48]
E
That's actually what we were talking about before we got off track here was this surrogate who becomes this really incredible part of your life because she's carrying your children. But she's just this girl, you know, from Texas that's married. They have to have had a boy and a girl. So they cannot have an experience where they give birth to something that they want. Okay. Or that they haven't had. They haven't had anything. It's all familiar to them.
- [165:17]
B
But they must sign all sorts of paperwork before saying, I don't know.
- [165:20]
C
It doesn't matter.
- [165:21]
E
It's crazy. Yes, yes. But you don't know when the crazy kicks in and they tell us, I mean, you know, she gives birth to our children. We're represented in a court of law. There are five attorneys there. There's one for me, there's one for my husband. There is one for the unborn child, the surrogate, and then one for the case. And you then. And everybody signs papers. Everybody gets, you know, everybody says, okay, so she needs.
- [165:47]
C
This is interesting to me. She needs to have had a boy and a girl with the outfit that I used.
- [165:53]
E
But we.
- [165:54]
C
Right, yeah. Okay. So in their experience, you know, she's got a brood full of girls and a little baby boy comes out of her.
- [166:01]
E
I want this.
- [166:02]
C
I'm keeping this one. Yeah. And that could happen.
- [166:04]
E
Look at what I made.
- [166:05]
C
Right. So she had a boy and a girl.
- [166:06]
D
Yeah.
- [166:07]
E
So she had to have had a boy and a girl. And they. We moved them all to. To la because we didn't want the babies being born in her state. Because if they had been born in her state, the birth certificate would have. Yeah, the birth certificate would have said that there wasn't.
- [166:26]
C
What's the approximate cost of something like that.
- [166:29]
E
It's going to run you about 150 grand a baby for her. For me?
- [166:34]
C
Oh, I mean, no, but I mean, yeah. With the aggressive that's harvested and with the surrogate that you move out here.
- [166:43]
E
The eggs run you between 20 and $30,000. She runs you $35,000. If you're a human being and you want to be nice to her. It's a little bit more than that. Even though you are told explicitly that you are not supposed to take these people on, but you can't help it. They're carrying your baby and you really don't want her eating jalapeno poppers in months. 6. And she's shitting her brains out and doesn't feel well. And you think something.
- [167:10]
C
How often? What's the protocol? How often would you see her?
- [167:13]
E
Well, we flew to Texas for every appointment we had the means to do that. Some people aren't involved at all. There are those vvips that don't want the carrier to know that I happen to, you know. You know about a couple of those. Those people that they don't want.
- [167:37]
C
Well, because she knows who you are. So at some point she could get drunk and go, I want to talk to my 15 year old daughter.
- [167:43]
E
No, I want to, you know, I want. You know I'm giving birth to Elton John's baby, right? You know, I mean, who's gayer, you or Elton John? Oh my God. For sure he is a neighbor.
- [167:55]
C
Really?
- [167:55]
E
For sure he is. But I want to make something clear about him.
- [167:57]
C
I thought you were gold star gay.
- [168:00]
A
He's platinum.
- [168:01]
D
Is he platinum?
- [168:01]
E
Yeah. No. You know, I'm sure he's. I'm sure that guy has slept with women. I'm sure he's been with women.
- [168:06]
C
That's what I'm saying. You haven't?
- [168:08]
E
No.
- [168:09]
C
Okay, so that makes you gayer.
- [168:10]
E
No. Yeah, maybe. I mean, I had a little. The girl that I wrote Will and Grace about, we had a little moment, but you know, it was.
- [168:17]
C
Well, you gotta realize you're gay at some point. That's what does it happen?
- [168:20]
E
Wait, I have to say something about Elton Johnson.
- [168:22]
A
Go ahead.
- [168:22]
E
Because he is.
- [168:23]
C
He's a neighbor. He's the president, a dear friend.
- [168:25]
E
No, I mean, he's just.
- [168:26]
D
You're the kid.
- [168:27]
B
He's important.
- [168:27]
E
Yeah. He matters. He, in fact, I know is very. Was very, very good to the women that carried his children. I want to make sure that I.
- [168:38]
C
Said that because that would make sense.
- [168:40]
E
He is not a guy that did the. I don't want to know. I don't want to have a relationship. I don't want you to know that. You know this. I think people get worried that they're going to be taken advantage of. And they were very clear with us. Don't bring, you know, don't. They don't need to know that you are, where you live or. And that all just goes out the window. If you're a human being, you want to have a relationship with this woman, you want to take care of her.
- [169:03]
C
Sure.
- [169:03]
E
You know, she's doing something incredible for you. So that's, you know, we got very, very close.
- [169:10]
C
But is there. Is there. I mean, she's doing something incredible for you, but for money and a fair bit of money.
- [169:17]
E
You make a very good point. Look, it is a business arrangement. And that's. That was what we were. That's what I was going to say initially is that just last month I made the decision that I did not want the girls to meet her because I didn't want them to have to ask that question yet because they haven't asked that question.
- [169:34]
C
Husband back in Texas of where they came from. Yeah, I mean, yeah, they're going to get it.
- [169:39]
E
They're going to get it at some point. They haven't really asked those questions. I mean, the other day Rose said to me, my mommy's dead. And I said, no, that's not. That's not the case.
- [169:50]
C
We're. Bart is the husband of the surrogate who's, like, back in Texas working at the forklift plan. Your wife got knocked up by a gay dude. No, no, no, no, no, no. She got paid to get knocked out.
- [170:03]
B
By a gay dude.
- [170:04]
C
Well, shit. How much time do we have here, Fred?
- [170:07]
E
I mean, that is such a bullseye. You have no idea how hard it is on these guys, you, you know, who are working at a Ford dealership, you know, and have to explain why their wife is. Is pregnant with twins.
- [170:20]
C
I mean, congratulations, Ralph. Where'd you get the new. Where'd you get the new Lexus? By the way, where are those kids.
- [170:29]
B
Yours, your wife birthed about eight, nine months ago?
- [170:33]
C
The weirdest.
- [170:34]
E
I mean, they just have to say.
- [170:36]
C
What do they say? They just go, I'm doing this for money.
- [170:38]
E
Really progressive guys. I mean, they have to come to terms with it. They know it. You know, look, their wife is bringing home 35 grand. You know, that's real money.
- [170:50]
C
No, absolutely.
- [170:52]
E
I mean, you know, look, and we went there, too. I mean, it was so bizarre. We're dropped into the middle of Texas, you know, in this community. And we're these two gay guys. And she's explaining to everybody in the neighborhood, you know, these are the babies. And, you know, there's so much involved in it, too. It's like you try to explain, you know, gestational surrogacy. Half is fertilized by him. Half is fertilized by him. You know, I'm carrying his. I'm carrying his. I mean, people's heads, you know, want to explode. And then the poor guy is just sitting on his porch watching his TV and freaking out that this is what his life is.
- [171:29]
C
Sure.
- [171:30]
E
You know, he can't wait for it to be over. And that was the case with us.
- [171:34]
C
So. Wow.
- [171:36]
E
But something amazing. I will tell you one other really interesting fact about her.
- [171:39]
C
Everything's interesting.
- [171:41]
E
So they said to us in the hospital, you're gonna have her for three more days. The surrogate. Get breast milk while you can. Right. I always call it albumin. What the hell is it called?
- [171:55]
A
Colostrum.
- [171:55]
E
Yeah, like the really. What's albumin? That's in an egg.
- [171:59]
A
That's something.
- [171:59]
C
That's a Mexican wrestler, okay?
- [172:01]
E
So they say you. You go for it. You get as much as you. No, you get what you can from this woman because she is going to be gone. She's gonna be gone. So I walk into the room and I say to her pixelated person, let me just tell you this. If you give me milk, if you pump for my family, I will increase the amount of money that I give you every two weeks, nine months later.
- [172:36]
C
And you'll get a walk on. On Super Fun Night.
- [172:38]
E
Yes, yes. And I'll put you on shit. My dad said this year.
- [172:40]
C
That's right.
- [172:41]
E
You know, she. Nine months later, she finally dried up. They said that they. You know, the minute that they leave LA and they don't see you and they don't see the babies, the albumin goes away. And she was so incentivized by the money and as she should be. It was a fantastic way to make a living. She was pumping a gallon of milk a week. A day. Excuse me. A day.
- [173:06]
C
A day. Wow.
- [173:07]
E
For nine months.
- [173:08]
C
Wow. Well, look, I hate to sound like a fucking broken record with this shit, but when you show somebody money, magically, shit gets done.
- [173:17]
B
Shit comes out of their brick.
- [173:18]
C
What are we doing?
- [173:19]
A
I'm just sitting here.
- [173:20]
C
If you'd said to her, like the way our piece of shit government has set up, look, do what you can. And, you know, if you can produce, you can produce. And if you can't produce. You can't produce. Just go home and hang out. Then maybe she wouldn't produce.
- [173:33]
E
It would have been gone before. When. By the time she left L. A It was just three days. Yeah, and this woman.
- [173:38]
C
Give her 100 bucks at court and she's on it, man.
- [173:40]
E
She just went to town. I mean, it was an unbelievable thing.
- [173:43]
A
How would she get it to you?
- [173:44]
E
There is a. There is a bunch of laws, right? There is a milk thing that's set up through FedEx. It goes out on Mondays and Thursdays.
- [173:51]
C
Really?
- [173:52]
E
Really.
- [173:53]
C
Jesus, I can't bring backyard fruit into Vegas. And you get to fucking fly milk in from out of state, by the way.
- [173:59]
E
I was listening to that. The other thing you could not travel with is Metamucil. They will stop you with Metamucil, the jumbo size.
- [174:06]
C
You can bring the packets, but not the jumbo Metamucil.
- [174:10]
E
Consider bringing that, like 13 gallon one. Yes.
- [174:14]
C
Yeah, right.
- [174:15]
E
Something happened. Well, I guess it can explode or something like that.
- [174:20]
C
So the milk would show up. A gallon. A gallon a day.
- [174:25]
E
Is that correct? Because isn't that.
- [174:27]
C
I don't know. That's.
- [174:27]
E
I'm pretty sure I had that right.
- [174:29]
C
I'm with you. Look, you pay me enough, I'll produce a gallon of milk a day.
- [174:33]
E
I wasn't doing that, but I'm pretty sure that that's what it. I'm pretty sure that that's what it was. It was a gallon a day.
- [174:39]
C
Right?
- [174:39]
B
Did you ever have a test that.
- [174:40]
C
Feels like a lot.
- [174:41]
B
You know, she wasn't sending you soy milk.
- [174:43]
E
No, but it's for twins. Didn't your wife breastfeed?
- [174:45]
C
I. Probably.
- [174:47]
B
How do you verify it's breast milk? Oh, silly question, but.
- [174:51]
E
Well, yeah, I mean, I guess, you know, we're. I mean, the girls came out okay, but. But that was the jalapeno popcorn.
- [174:59]
C
I wasn't stepped on with Ovaltine or something. No, but.
- [175:01]
E
But, you know, you're dealing with that Texas diet. I mean, you know, all of a sudden your kids, you know, have like, insane diarrhea. And you, you know, it's like. Well, I was at Patsy's Buffet, you know, last night that might, you know, maybe that did something to it. So, you know, you. You try to.
- [175:16]
C
Wow. You know, you're sending those fucking kids. Better not ever give you any lip. The amount of money it's unbelievable cost just to get them on this planet and in their little onesies.
- [175:27]
E
I know, it was crazy.
- [175:28]
C
I mean, by the time the. The. The dust settles on this thing, you're a couple hundred grand in just to get these two little guys here on this planet, right? Or gals, I should say.
- [175:37]
E
Yeah. Two little ladies. Yeah. It was. It was not. It. It was not a cheap affair. And. And it's funny because I was working with Will Sasso, who I heard you talking about. I have, you know, I have a relationship to those Cavs. I mean, I. I created this. This, the series shit my dad said for cbs and Will.
- [175:59]
C
Sure.
- [176:00]
E
Bill Shatner's son in law. And so I got to see those caps. I mean, he's a. He's a guy. He should. He wears shorts to work.
- [176:06]
D
Mm.
- [176:07]
C
And listen, whether you're gay or not, if Will says you're gay, you're gay. There's nothing you can do about it. Weather the storm. You just weather the storm.
- [176:15]
E
Jesus. There they are.
- [176:16]
C
It's unbelievable.
- [176:17]
E
They're freakish. They're beef steak tomatoes.
- [176:19]
C
I love them.
- [176:20]
E
They're disgusting, actually.
- [176:21]
C
Yeah, okay, for the calves, but that is.
- [176:24]
A
How did we get this shot of his calves?
- [176:26]
C
I made sure we took them.
- [176:28]
A
Smart.
- [176:29]
C
I do my due diligence. That's nice. Max, what are you working on now?
- [176:33]
E
Right now? Well, I've had two shows canceled on CBS in as many years. Two seasons ago, we did Shit, my dad says, with William Shatner, that was dead in 10 weeks. And then this year we did a show called Partners with Michael Urie and David Krumholtz from Numbers and Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill. Brandon Routh. Who was the Superman that? Seth MacFarlane. Poor Brandon. What Seth MacFarlane did to him at the end of. What was the movie? Ted? Yeah.
- [177:09]
C
What did he do to him?
- [177:10]
E
At the end of Text, he flashes up his 8 by 10. I mean, at the end of the movie, you know, we're clear. You know, the credits have rolled and all of a sudden, boom. The guy that's the star of this series that I have, you know, rolling in two weeks, a giant headshot of him. And it said, and thanks to this guy for destroying the Superman franchise. I mean, it was. I mean, it was.
- [177:35]
C
It's not funny.
- [177:36]
E
Yeah, it was just like. I mean, it was just unbelievable. So, yeah, he did that to poor Brandon, and he's a great guy. But so those two shows last two year. Last two years. And then this year now we're working for Showtime. I mean, trying to make a sitcom work on a network is a very, very tough thing. You know, four camera comedies are very. Have you done them?
- [178:01]
C
I did one pilot. I did a pilot. For four Camera for cbs. I think I want to say it was a.
- [178:10]
E
How'd that go?
- [178:13]
C
Well, it was a huge hit, you know, going on Season six, Live from Glendale.
- [178:20]
E
It was.
- [178:21]
C
Everyone liked the script, and then we went round and round and round on the script for a long time. And then all the chicks got in and tried to put more story drive and more heart and more take out all the funny. And I tried to explain to them that every time you put in a sort of heart moment, you remove a funny moment because the opposite of funny is kind of the opposite of.
- [178:45]
E
Yeah, but if it's not there, the show doesn't work.
- [178:47]
C
You need an element. You need to care.
- [178:49]
E
You need one moment when the lead does something that's bigger than himself and then you're fine. That's it.
- [178:56]
C
Right. Not 17, though.
- [178:57]
E
No.
- [178:58]
C
And it went on and on and on. And then the show came out to be a good show. We basically just listened to all the chicks over there and just did what they told us to do. Because the battle cry was always, look, whatever they want just to get on the air. And then. And then when you get on the air, we'll do what we want. And when we were done, I think I said to. Is it Nancy Tellem? I don't know if she's still over there.
- [179:23]
E
She's not.
- [179:24]
C
I said, good. I said, she was nice enough. I said, whoo, that was a slog. That was a long day. And she said, well, get ready to do a lot more of those. And I said, that's a good sign. Three days later, less Moonvest hated. And then he said, what? And he said, yeah, it was, like, too nice. It was like too chicky or something. I said, well, we. Originally, it didn't start off that way, but it got a lot of estrogen shoved into it. And then it got sent to Les. And then Les was like, no, it's too, you know, too filled with estrogen. And I was like, thanks, ladies, for steering us the wrong direction for nine weeks. And then they picked up accidentally on purpose. And, you know, that turned out to be a smash hit.
- [180:08]
E
I mean, he's the guy who's responsible for Two and a Half Men, and that's the brand of his network, and that's what has to be on his network.
- [180:16]
C
I don't know why he employs a gaggle of chicks who just talk about heart and story drive if that's what he's looking for.
- [180:24]
E
They say yes to less.
- [180:26]
C
I don't know what Les knew along the ride.
- [180:29]
E
Not Enough. I mean, if you don't involve him, you know, I mean, I've made that mistake twice now. And if I, you know, am ever lucky enough to work at CBS again, I mean, I would know that I'd have to really involve him. He'd have to have a creative say so in what I was writing. Because if he's, if he, if that's not going on, he's not invested and it's not gonna work.
- [180:53]
C
Well, here's the problem. There's way too many people with an opinion. It's the sort of death of art without sounding like a snob. But you have an idea, you have a vision, you have a direction, and then everybody weighs in and then they start second guessing themselves. And then it becomes a room of your mom's fucking friends staring at wallpaper swatches going, which one did I say I liked the best? You said you liked that one. No, it was that one. And now you go, oh, shit, I don't even know what I'm looking at. And it's all fucked. I never want to do it again, by the way.
- [181:23]
E
I don't blame you. I mean, it's creation by committee. And, you know, I mean, I have to say, it's like, you know, Warren Littlefield, God bless him. When we made Will and Grace, it was really write what you want to write and whatever works for you. And if these are the people that you want to play these parts, great, let's cast them. I mean, now it's just. That is not the way, and certainly not at cvs. Why?
- [181:51]
A
Is it true changed so much or was that just a special time?
- [181:56]
E
That's a good question. I don't know why it has changed so much. Because you'd think they'd pick up on the fact that they don't work anymore. I mean, Big Bang is the biggest four camera show on television. What four camera comedy has come off the networks since. You guys remember Will and Grace Seinfeld, Raymond Roseanne, those days, you're not really seeing those. You're not seeing those character driven situation comedies anymore. It just doesn't. Everything is we, you know, we are men. You know, it's all that, that generic guy thing and trying to write camaraderie is virtually impossible.
- [182:41]
C
First off, everybody, I'll tell you, it's. I'll tell you what doesn't work. It's the prevent defense everyone's in. Prevent defense everyone is in. Don't get fired, I got a kush gig. There's a whole bunch of us are being Overcompensated for really doing nothing. You sit in these meetings with 18 people, two people talk. The other 16 don't weigh in at all. They're scared to talk.
- [183:00]
E
We gotta protect our phony baloney jobs, right?
- [183:03]
C
And there's a lot of this, which is counterproductive and fucked up, which is like the network signs off on the guy who's gonna play my son. And then I chime in and go, he's a big guy dude, and he looks older than 19. And I think he plays more like 24. And then somebody looks at me and goes, shut up. They signed off on them. Yeah.
- [183:22]
E
They're like, I guess he was on.
- [183:23]
C
Numbers for six years, right?
- [183:25]
E
I mean, that's the way that they judge him.
- [183:28]
C
The whole thing's a colossal clusterfuck, and I want nothing to do with it ever again. And the way you get in business with people that are good and then you trust them to do what they do best, which is every time I sit down and I get the makeup artist, she goes, what do you want? And I go, I want you to do what you do. Do what you do. I don't know shit about makeup. You've been doing it for 20 years. Do what you do. And they go, well, a lot of people are. And I go, I just want you to do your best because that's. And I understand. Look, you gotta pick the color. But once you pick the color, let the guy who puts it on your car, let him do what he does. Don't keep fucking getting involved. That's what they do. And quite frankly, how many people you know that are funny? They're not funny. They're not funny at all. They don't. And by the way, this. I'm not funny, but I know funny. Bullshit. Bullshit.
- [184:17]
D
Yeah.
- [184:18]
E
I mean, yeah. I mean, I want to. I want to keep working, but it's. It's.
- [184:21]
C
It's not me. You guys go fuck yourself.
- [184:24]
E
I mean, it's. It's incredibly difficult to make a sitcom. It's. It's just because there are many people weighing in on so many different levels, all preemptively because they're worried about what Les wants.
- [184:41]
C
We had a. I'll never forget it. You probably know Alan Kirschenbaum. Yeah, he's the late, great Alan Kirschenbaum, Dear, dear friend. And at a certain point, Alan, who is great, had one of the great sort of high pitched Jewy voices on the planet, get up there and just go into the Jewish stratosphere with this voice. And we were doing. We were now having to whack together our four camera sitcom thing. And they said at a certain point, like, Nancy wants this joke taken out. And Alan said, that's the best joke in the entire sitcom. And someone from Berman, Braun or one of the other geniuses said, if Nancy wants it out, just take it out. It'll make Nancy happy. And Alan was like, I've never worked on a show where we removed the best joke. We're taking it out. Why are we hurting ourselves this way? Nancy wants it out. You got to show her something. She wanted this, that and the other. Give her one. Just listen to one of her notes.
- [185:45]
A
Did she give a reason for why she wanted out?
- [185:47]
C
No, they're not sophisticated enough to give a reason. They don't, by the way. They give reasons like ask a black guy if a cop gave him a reason when he pulled him out of the car, beat the shit out of him. It's like, they do what they want to do. They got the fucking billy club and the pistol and the badge. They do what they want. You don't have to go to them. Hey, what's your motivation? Explain yourself, Nancy, tell. No, they just go, fuck it. I want that out. They don't know shit about comedy, but you have to kind of go, all right, let's try to make her happy. Maybe we can pull it out and we can put it back in if it ever goes to air or whatever it is. But he could not believe that we're taking our strongest joke and pulling it out. Just because one broad has no sense of humor. Wanted it out. Right.
- [186:24]
E
I mean, that's the. I mean, she's trying to stick to the brand of cbs. You know, it's funny because the executrixes over there happen to be pretty great. I mean, you know the women that run the comedy there. A woman called Wendy Trilling and Nina Tassler. She's a wildly successful network executive but incredibly hysterically funny. Look, but you know what? You said it. I mean, that's what happens. You get to that point.
- [186:54]
C
Point.
- [186:55]
E
You're dancing in that room where it's like, I could be on the air this season on Monday at 8:30 sandwiched between these giant hits and I want.
- [187:06]
C
To go for it.
- [187:07]
E
And I'll get that joke on season. I'll get that joke on episode two. That's what you do.
- [187:11]
C
Because never before has there been a business where someone who didn't know shit about it gave you so many notes.
- [187:17]
E
Look, and specifically at cbs, you're dealing with a Group of unemployed people on a Monday at 4 o' clock who are hooked up to a thing.
- [187:28]
C
Testing.
- [187:28]
E
Yeah, testing. They get a hot dog and 40 bucks and they really decide. I mean, you want to feel like shit about your work, sit in testing and watch the dial go up and down. According to what you've written, it's a painful.
- [187:46]
C
Sure. I always say Carroll o'. Connor. There would be no Archie Bunker if that was tested because they would turn it every time he called his son in law, meathead, they would turn it down every time he called him a Pollock, they would turn it down. Every time he made any kind of race related joke or yelled at his wife to run in the kitchen and give him a beer, they would just turn it down. And then they'd go, all right, we tested this Carroll o'. Connor. He tested through the basement floor. We gotta nicen him up. Let's get him a cardigan and let's put some pastels on him and let's sweeten this up a little. What about some story drive with him?
- [188:21]
E
What network wouldn't want to have had Walter White on their network? Not a single one. And there's not a chance that you could have made that show.
- [188:32]
C
A fucking possible way. Not under their watch. All right, shall we do a couple of news stories before we call the night? Allison Rosen. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.
- [188:49]
D
Allison.
- [188:50]
C
And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it cut. It's Allison.
- [188:56]
E
Allison.
- [188:59]
A
So just a quick funny addendum to something that happened on yesterday's show. There's an article here that says Lubega has revealed that he has been receiving a lot of condolences following the death of Lou Reed. Remember, the caller confused Lou Reed and Lou Bega. Turns out he's not the only one at all. Lou Bega thinks that there was a journalist who confused it. I'm not even. But I don't know that.
- [189:23]
C
Oh, they are the same, dude. I mean, really.
- [189:25]
A
I mean, their music's very similar.
- [189:27]
C
God damn. I met Lou Bega. He is. He wrote the most annoying. Yeah, one hit wonder ever. It's fucking just a horrible abortion of a piece of cat shit on a hibachi. And when I said to him in 1998, so, you know, enjoy it while you can, Lou. Basically he said, what do you mean this party's going on forever? I'll never forget that. I don't know what year. 97, 98. He came on Loveline and I gave him a sort of version of Must Feel Good. And, you know, keep it. See if you can keep that party train going. And he's like, what do you mean, man?
- [190:05]
A
He's like, I'm just coming into my own.
- [190:06]
C
Just warming up.
- [190:07]
A
Mambo number 6789.
- [190:09]
C
Yes. Yes.
- [190:10]
E
He's living in Psy's guest house. That's how that's gonna go.
- [190:14]
C
It's a horrible, horrible song.
- [190:17]
A
Anyway, ABC is apologizing.
- [190:19]
C
99.
- [190:20]
A
By the way, sir, ABC is apologizing on behalf of a joke that ran on Jimmy Kimmel in which youngsters commented on news events. And there was an ad lib and he was interviewing the kids, asking them about, like, what to do about debt. We have a little clip.
- [190:37]
C
All right, let's watch this. America owes China a lot of money. $1.3 trillion. How should we pay them back?
- [190:45]
E
Q Canaan is all the way over.
- [190:47]
C
And kill everyone in China. Kill everyone in China.
- [190:50]
F
Yeah.
- [190:50]
C
Okay. That's an interesting idea.
- [190:53]
A
So apparently, by the way, ABC doesn't.
- [190:56]
C
Give a fuck about China or Chinese people. They just apologize because they have to.
- [191:00]
A
Yes. A group called Eighty20 that identifies itself as a Pan Asian American political organization complained. So ABC is apologizing, and ABC says they would never purposefully do anything to do.
- [191:11]
C
8020 was a score they got on the math of their SATs.
- [191:14]
A
Really good.
- [191:15]
C
Yeah, good score.
- [191:17]
A
They would never do anything to upset the Chinese, Asian, or other communities.
- [191:21]
C
Listen, I've seen Red Dawn. You don't want to piss those people off.
- [191:24]
A
And they're gonna edit this out of all future Jimmy Kimmel live airings of this episode.
- [191:29]
C
Mm. Well, that'll prove everything. Yeah. Look, first off, Jimmy didn't say it's a good idea. He said, that's interesting. Secondly, there was a kid, obviously making a joke. Hard to kill that many Asian people.
- [191:43]
E
It's the Asian people that are upset with the comedy.
- [191:45]
C
Yes. No, it's two guys. Well, it's a group who write letters. It's a group of nobody. I've dealt with these assholes before. You know, Guy Aoki lives in fucking an office above a Benihanas that his fucking dad owns. He writes a letter like he's somebody, and then everyone has to just apologize to it. And they get off on this power. Nobody's offended. No one gives a shit. No one believes anything.
- [192:08]
A
You must have dealt with various groups protesting Will and Grace.
- [192:12]
E
Oh, my God. I mean, you know, the Big one is, you know, focus on the family. When we did the whole conversion thing, you know that we said that that stuff does not exist. And you know, that that would, you know, that that just simply damages people. In fact, we did it with Neil Patrick Harris, who was not out at the time. And we did an episode about it and got into a shitload of trouble because we wrote a letter to them. When they said that they were offended, they wrote. They wrote the. They wrote me, I think, and they said that they were offended by, you know, my take on this sort of therapy. I wrote back a letter basically saying.
- [192:52]
C
Converting gay guys into straight guys, right?
- [192:55]
E
And I wrote the guy and I said, I can read between the lines. Let's meet at the Motherlode on Sunday for some, you know, smart cocktail. Yeah. Fried chicken and rollerblading.
- [193:07]
A
Did he do it?
- [193:09]
E
I mean, I just got my ass kicked by Jack Welch. That's all I remember.
- [193:12]
C
You know, either way, it's always a very small group of people that the networks have to apologize to. But just to be sure to anyone who's listening, I've been behind the scenes. They never give a shit. They're just trying to not piss people off and make them happy and get on with their lives. They don't really care about this group or that group.
- [193:29]
E
I mean, it's like Obama apologizing to Merkel. Do you think that for a second that he's no longer gonna tap that phone?
- [193:37]
C
I mean, is that gay code or.
- [193:39]
E
No, no, there's nothing. No.
- [193:40]
C
I actually can't talk about when you bang a German guy, right?
- [193:43]
E
I can actually talk about other things. I could actually talk about other things.
- [193:45]
C
Tap that phone. Oh, you know, tap that phone.
- [193:47]
E
It sounded funny.
- [193:48]
A
Yeah.
- [193:48]
E
Tap that.
- [193:50]
C
Yeah. No, nobody look. Nobody.
- [193:52]
E
People just lie about, you know, they just lie.
- [193:54]
C
96% of apologies is just, can I get this person to apologize?
- [193:59]
E
Right?
- [193:59]
C
They, whatever they did, they did. Whatever they laughed at, they laughed at.
- [194:03]
E
And they're not going to change.
- [194:04]
C
No. That's how our society works. And that's right up there with the take that back. If someone calls you fat, they think you're fat. You can tell them to take it back. Doesn't change the fact that they think you're fat. That's the way it goes.
- [194:17]
E
Does a grown up say, take that back?
- [194:19]
C
I have, I've heard the.
- [194:21]
E
You take that back.
- [194:22]
C
I've seen enough People's Court where people scream at people, you have to respect me. But they're wearing pajamas and curlers and sun shining, you know, There's a lot of, like, you respect. And I've never. You can't shout at people to respect you. That's done through accomplishment. We've now created a society where people scream at other people to respect them.
- [194:41]
E
Show that in action.
- [194:42]
C
It never really works. All right, let's do one more.
- [194:44]
A
I do have a theory about apologies, though, and I think I said it on this show before. It's very scientific based on anecdotal evidence. When people say, I apologize, that is not sincere, whereas I'm sorry often is. Have you noticed this?
- [194:58]
C
I never ask anyone to apologize. I just assume whatever they do, they meant not. If they say I apologize, they would do it again. But I'm sorry is better than I apologize.
- [195:08]
A
I think it's more sincere.
- [195:09]
F
Yeah.
- [195:10]
C
Apologize is something you'd write and I'm sorry something come out of your mouth.
- [195:14]
A
Apologize is something where you're trying to convince the person. Sort of like when people get on TV and instead of saying yes, they say absolutely. It's like they've supersized their yes. Anyway, this is bad news. The Jonas Brothers have broken up.
- [195:27]
C
Oh, it's real.
- [195:28]
E
It's happened.
- [195:29]
A
They've announced their breakup.
- [195:30]
E
Oh, wow.
- [195:31]
A
Yeah. Not really given any official reason. However, Nick wants a cruise. He told his brothers he felt trapped.
- [195:38]
E
Yeah, well, he's the one. He's been carrying the other two.
- [195:41]
C
Oh, really?
- [195:42]
E
He's the one. He's the one. There's Nick. There's the hot one, Right? Adam, I.
- [195:50]
C
They all look fuckable to me. I'm two beers away from just bending all the Jonas Brothers over.
- [195:57]
E
Yeah.
- [195:57]
C
And Centipede dropping fingers on him like a bowling ball.
- [196:00]
E
Watch. Watch.
- [196:01]
C
Marky Three fingers.
- [196:03]
E
It's the Marky. Mark Wahlberg thing is going to happen for Nick.
- [196:06]
A
He wants to off the Funky Bunch.
- [196:08]
E
Yeah, that's.
- [196:09]
C
Is Nick to the right? Is Nick in the center?
- [196:11]
E
Nick's in the bow tie.
- [196:13]
C
Okay.
- [196:13]
E
Nick's in the bow tie, and he is the one that's going to have the.
- [196:17]
C
He's going to have the career. And is it a theatrical career or is he going to do a musical thing?
- [196:23]
E
This guy wants to be a movie star, and I think people are going to want him to be a movie star. Nothing's going to happen for the one in the silver tie. And the one in the middle will come out in 25 minutes.
- [196:36]
C
Oh, really?
- [196:37]
E
That's gonna happen? I mean, he's really. Yeah. Can you see it?
- [196:40]
C
Yeah.
- [196:41]
E
The eyewear. The eyewear. The sheen in the hair.
- [196:46]
C
How's the gaydar working for you, Max?
- [196:48]
E
It's pretty good.
- [196:49]
C
Pretty strong. Yes. The force is strong.
- [196:50]
E
Yes. I mean, if you need to.
- [196:53]
C
I don't have any gaydar.
- [196:54]
E
It's just you and me. Can gaydar be just you and me?
- [196:56]
C
Can gay? Are we taught?
- [196:57]
A
Because I have had crushes on gay men before, and I've thought that everyone else realized, and I was like, how am I the last one to realize this?
- [197:03]
E
No, it's like, you're either funny or you're not. I mean, and you either know. You know what I. You know how you can do it? You can just take a piece of paper and put, like, the newspaper down, right? And slide something over a face, and you can see. At a certain point, if your gaydar is really strong, you can tell, like, by the time you've uncovered the eyes.
- [197:24]
A
You can see gayness in the forehead.
- [197:26]
E
Yeah. You can see it in the crow's feet.
- [197:27]
C
I did that with a Peanuts cartoon once, and it works.
- [197:31]
E
Patty. Big dag.
- [197:33]
C
I knew it. Well, you see, I don't have any gaydar because we were back talking to Max, and I was talking to him, and he said, I heard you talking about the twins. He said, but, you know, we. We did it differently. I can't remember how you phrased it, but we. We have to do it.
- [197:49]
E
I just knew I was getting nowhere.
- [197:50]
C
We're doing it different. Yeah. And I was like, what do you mean, we? Why do you have to. Why did you and your wife have to do it differently than me and my wife? I was still. I. I don't. I don't. I don't judge.
- [197:58]
E
We did it differently.
- [197:59]
A
I don't know. I think you said, oh, are you gay? And I want to turn around and be like, hello.
- [198:04]
C
I listen.
- [198:05]
E
I mean, fantastic. But, I mean, you.
- [198:08]
C
I'm color and cock blind.
- [198:10]
E
That's fantastic.
- [198:11]
C
That's me. That's just who I am. Dude, are you gay? But that being said, you know this thing where we're trying to basically take gay guys and turn them straight, like you alluded to earlier? I don't believe that works. But I would like to take some straight dudes and turn them gay. That's something. That's easy. I would like to focus on that because they're much. I've said it a million times. They're just better citizens. They recycle. They keep the neighborhoods nicer. The real estate value goes up. You get the two incomes more discretionary income. They're not driving around. The big minivans and vans are fucking up. The roads and everything, lots of Miatas.
- [198:48]
B
And shit like that into the economy via surrogates and things of that nature.
- [198:53]
C
I've always said there should be a fucking voucher. I mean, you should get a tax relief for being gay. You're not cheating. What's the opposite? Let's just say the antithesis of a professional gay couple, let's say, like Eric and yourself before you had the kids and what you guys went through with the children is not something that most gay couples go through. Some adopt, some choose not to have kids at all. But either way, let's just say the number of years you and your partner Eric were together before the children, right, Dual income, spending a lot of money, spending a lot of money, a lot of tax, paying a lot in fucking taxes, flipping houses all over LA versus nothing. Nothing. Not using the libraries, not nine kids in school. Now just go the opposite of that, okay? So what if we had an economy? What if we had a society where we had a bunch of Max and Eric's floating around versus single mom, nine kids, probation officers, two in juvie, two in the joint. This system, what the system costs, what the taxing of the system versus the guys that just keep putting it in. You guys never stop rowing.
- [200:06]
E
And gay guys don't get divorced like heterosexual people do. That just doesn't happen in terms of the system.
- [200:14]
C
If you just look at the system as a plant and the gay is like sunshine, fertilizer and water, we're root rot. That's right. The straight guy and all right, so you have, you make 40 grand a year and you have three kids. It's a little root rot in there. But you make no money and you have nine kids, you're trying to kill the tree. It's a tree. And if it gets more sunshine and more fertilizer and more water than it does to root rot or the shade, it's gonna survive. But the second it stays dark for 19 hours a day and it only gets watered once a month versus twice a week, it's gonna start dying and it's not gonna bear as much fruit. Speaking of fruit. Sorry, go ahead. But the gays, yes, the gays are the fertilizer, they're the water and they're the sunshine to this societal tree.
- [201:10]
E
Watch what happens with all the gay bees. Watch how these babies turn out to be good citizens of America. It's gonna be very interesting to see that generation come to be. How they spend, what they become, what. What their career paths are.
- [201:25]
C
Sure.
- [201:26]
E
Daddies work. Both daddies work. They Have a very different thing that's going on in the house.
- [201:31]
C
Gotta write a children's book. The Gay Tree.
- [201:34]
E
Yes.
- [201:35]
C
That ain't no knothole. All right, let's bring it home.
- [201:40]
A
That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it. Cons.
- [201:44]
C
That was the news with Allison Rosen. Mmm. Lifelock, baby. It's 2013. You gotta get this lifelock. Get those twins on the lifelock. I got my twins on the lifelock. You don't know. As soon as they have a Social Security number, pow. The guys. Cyber thieves coming after him. This is big these days, Allison.
- [202:04]
A
Yes. I was just reading about this guy who went on the run after getting out of jail for armed robbery. And for the next two decades, he used his brother's identity to avoid capture and also to buy property and obtain and default on loans and even get married using his brother's identity. Point being, you can't even trust your siblings. And his brother was totally screwed. He couldn't get anything during this whole time.
- [202:24]
B
Poor Gallagher.
- [202:25]
C
Yeah, sorry for that guy in his French Seaman shirt. Lifelock ultimate, the most comprehensive ID theft protection ever created. Guards your identity and credit and monitors your bank accounts. And look, it's one of these things where you go, I don't know. We've talked about. It's like backing up your computer file. I don't know. Didn't exist 10 years ago. 15 years ago, you didn't do it. Now it's just a part of doing business. Well, if you live in this society and you have a couple of shekels to rub together. Lifelock. If you have a bank account again, your credit gets screwed up, you get something on there, it never comes off. Let's not screw around with this. Lifelock ultimate, the new science and ID theft protection. Dawson, LifeLock Services can't protect you or your bank accounts if you're not a member. Visit lifelock.com and enter promo Code Adam. Or call and use Promo Code Adam for a special 10% discount. That's promo code ADAM. To get a special 10% discount, call 800-4965-030800-49650 30. 800-496-5030. Network does not cover all transactions, and scope may vary. Max, I'm trying to think of what to plug for you. Since I don't have anything on here.
- [203:39]
E
Other than working on a bunch of stuff. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
- [203:42]
C
So secure.
- [203:43]
E
Yeah, let's just hope we see a show on Showtime after Christmas. Let's leave it at that.
- [203:48]
C
All right, well, when it gets on.
- [203:49]
E
Yeah.
- [203:50]
C
Then you come back.
- [203:50]
E
Okay.
- [203:51]
C
And we'll talk it up.
- [203:52]
E
Thank you so much.
- [203:52]
C
Kiss those little girls for me.
- [203:54]
E
I will. Thank you for having me.
- [203:55]
C
So, by the way, us Amalfi tonight, Jon Lovitz out there, Our last show of the year at Amalfi. So if you want to have a little mangriaria, a little pizza, come on and say hi and Bevmo now, Mangria, available in California and Washington locations. Meet Glendora Bevmo. Coming up this Friday, I'll be in a great mood because I got a call time at 6:30am at Dana Point. So I'll be in a great mood by five o' clock when I'm driving home from Dana Point. So until next time, Santa Perola, Ralphs from Rosen, Max Munchnick and Bald Brian saying mahalo.
- [204:35]
E
I mostly handle the pussy.
- [204:43]
B
All right, that does it for this weekend's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune in next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and go up.