Greg Fitzsimmons Talks Dildos, Bathrobes, and Old Man Boners + Biohacker Bryan Johnson Has Incurable Disease

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – July 9, 2026

Episode: Greg Fitzsimmons Talks Dildos, Bathrobes, and Old Man Boners + Biohacker Bryan Johnson Has Incurable Disease
Guests: Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike Dawson

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Adam Carolla Show is a no-holds-barred riff session featuring comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. The discussion swerves hilariously and unapologetically from masturbation etiquette and aging male anatomy, to comedy road stories, viral news of the week, and earnest rants on societal changes. Adam and Greg dive into topics ranging from dildos as protest projectiles to the merits of plush bathrobes, while Mike Dawson delivers the news (including the fate of famous biohacker Bryan Johnson). As always, Adam’s trademark blend of cranky wisdom, nostalgia, and blue-collar pragmatism is on full display.

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Guest Chatter & Opening Banter

(Timestamp: 01:34–04:06)

• Adam welcomes Greg Fitzsimmons, plugs his upcoming stand-up dates, and jokes about Greg eventually retiring:

  "When he goes, it's gonna be like that song American Pie. It's going to be the day the comedy died." – Adam (01:51)

• They riff on the cultural legacies of Massapequa, NY, reminiscing about the Baldwins, Seinfeld, and Steve Guttenberg versus North Hollywood ("me and Christy Canyon").

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Getting Older, Masturbation Realities & Old Man Boners

(Timestamp: 04:06–13:00)

• Adam and Greg launch into a frank convo about aging and masturbation, with Adam lamenting the diminishing returns:

  • Youth: "You rub one out and you're like, you know what? I'm going for number two." (05:21)
  • Middle age: "You go for one. And you get a calf cramp. And you go like, I'm good. All right." (05:43)
  • Old age: "You go, you know what? I'm gonna rub one out. And then 45 minutes later, you go, what was I thinking about?" (05:52)

• Greg adds:

  "There's also an age where you go, I'm going to ride one out. Wait a minute. When is my wife home this week?...The shot clock has not been reset." (06:06)

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Comedy Road Stories: Getting “Overserved”, Waitress Hookups, and Sexual Etiquette

(Timestamp: 07:05–12:54)

• Greg shares a classic road-comic story: a post-show hookup with a club waitress ends in disappointment (for her) and a cup of water thrown in his face.

  • Adam pontificates on unrealistic sexual expectations:

    "You can't blow a dude and expect him to be all into you in 20 minutes. That's not how the male anatomy works." (08:54)

• The two riff on the concept of appetizers versus entrees as a metaphor for sexual pacing.

• Running joke:

  • "I was overserved." – Greg (09:36)

• Backstage comedy club politics:

  • "You always wait till Saturday to throw out the move...It's a rookie move going Thursday, Friday." – Greg (12:31)

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Of Drunken Ex-Hotties and “Chuckle Fuckers”

(Timestamp: 12:54–15:45)

• Adam muses on women who stay hot well into midlife, then turn into "the scariest" when drunk because, in their minds, they're back at their peak.
• Greg categorizes "chuckle fuckers" as women who serially pursue standup comics;

  "They want to play in the Seniors open, but they don't understand that I'm not in the league anymore." (15:03)

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Classic Carolla Rant: Shoplifting, Entitlement, and a Nailgun Battle

(Timestamp: 17:19–24:18)

• Adam recounts his prank at Jake Steinfeld's house (19:45):

  • He demonstrates how to disable a jobsite nail gun by unplugging the air hose.

• The conversation pivots to a viral video of thieves trying to steal a compressor from roofing workers. Adam enjoys the poetic justice of the roofers firing nail guns at the would-be thieves and reflects on the "new breed" of shoplifters who show no shame or even get indignant when confronted.

  "There's a new breed of shoplifter who, when they get confronted, get indignant with the people. Like, how dare you?" (18:47)

• Observations on the "best and worst of America in one video" – theft, DIY justice, and general dumbassery.

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History Corner: The Red Baron & Lost Rites of Manhood

(Timestamp: 24:19–40:09)

• Adam narrates the life and exploits of Manfred von Richthofen (the Red Baron), marveling at his bravery, his 80 kills at age 26, and the traditions of honor in war.

  "They give a full honors burial...they're saluting this guy because that's the way we used to roll." (31:41)

• Greg analyzes Teddy Roosevelt’s character and compares historical grit to modern risk-avoidance, raising the question of how modern men mark their transition to adulthood.

  "Is going to war one of the rites of passage for a man?" – Greg (39:08)

• Adam laments a culture of "risk avoidance" and overprotection for young men.

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Modern Protest, Dildos, and Product Placement Riffs

(Timestamp: 40:21–48:21)

• Dildos as political tools: Adam riffs on protests where dildos are hurled at ICE officers, linking it to the rise of "plywood" and "dildo" as booming industries.

  "Maybe we should be talking about Big Dildo." (47:38)

• Greg and Adam banter about the ethics of used dildos, the environmental impact ("dildo island"), and the growing normalization and recyclability of sex toys.

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Hotel Bathrobes, Luxury, Male Fashion, and Boner Dynamics

(Timestamp: 50:33–65:44)

• Robe Philosophy:

  • Greg describes hiding a "pocket rocket" (masturbation sleeve) in a hotel bathrobe after the AVN Awards to avoid awkwardness, leading to speculation about who will find it next (50:42–51:05).

• The two launch into a passionate defense of buying a really good robe:

  "A fucking robe feels like you're being hugged by a toothless bear and just, like, just melting into it." – Adam (53:36)
  "Every single day. Now you'll go out to a nice meal. It'll be 300 bucks, but you won't buy the rope meal. You're gonna be shitting out the next morning...Buy the robe." (54:22)

• They riff on robe design flaws (sash length, pocket utility), with special mention of the monogrammed spa wrap and “smoking jacket” as nostalgic power items of retro masculinity.

• Wrapping up with a tongue-in-cheek treatise comparing terry cloth to silk robes and how they impact (or resist) erections:

  "Thick terry cloth will kill a boner. It can hold it down." – Adam (63:41)
  "An erection in a terry cloth robe is going to stay at about 180. It'll go to about 165 degrees. A silk robe, you're going 80 degrees straight up." – Greg (63:17)

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Listener Interaction: “I Love Titties” Flag Advice

(Timestamp: 68:18–69:35)

• A caller asks Adam how to convince his wife to let him fly an “I Love Titties” flag.
• Adam suggests using it as a "false flag operation" to negotiate for something else by comparison.
• Mike Dawson proposes leading with a Confederate flag to make the "I Love Titties" flag seem reasonable.

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News Highlights with Mike Dawson

(Timestamp: 69:37–78:46)

Biohacker Bryan Johnson's Incurable Disease (70:43–73:08)

• Discussion about Bryan Johnson, who spends $2 million/year on anti-aging biohacks, now revealing his stomach is “eating itself.”

  "If you were to ask me, what would you wish for for your unborn self...I'd go, I want good genetics." – Adam (72:17)

Spam, Hawaiians, and Intelligence (73:11–75:35)

• Dawson explains his love for Spam; Adam launches into a comic rant about Hawaiians being "the smartest group" due to their Spam consumption, poking fun at stereotype.

Smithsonian Museum Culture Wars (76:02–84:59)

• News segment on the Smithsonian focusing on "drag queens and crotch harnesses" instead of the Founding Fathers, triggering an Adam rant on agitation in modern culture:

  "All it is, is I want the opposite of whatever a normal person would want." (83:36)

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Parenting, Cops, and Social Chaos

(Timestamp: 93:04–99:52)

• News about a restaurant charging parents for unruly children leads Adam into a mini-rant about the decline of parenting and authority, with nods to his own fear of cops growing up.

  "If parents are done parenting, then cops and restaurant owners are gonna have to parent." (93:25)

• They discuss viral clips of kids fighting cops, the impracticality of female officers in certain situations, and the hazards of the “constant need to agitate.”

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Cultural Satire & Wrapping Up

(Timestamp: 100:32–end)

• Dawson brings up Christopher Nolan’s new film casting "colorblind" and "queer diverse" roles in historical epics. Adam offers a skeptical, tongue-in-cheek take on the arbitrariness of such choices.

  "Do whatever you want. But I did hear somebody on YouTube...It was also a story that took place in a certain time, and that's what people looked like in these places and in these times." (102:53)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps & Speaker Attribution)

• "You can't blow a dude and expect him to be all into you in 20 minutes. That's not how the male anatomy works." – Adam (08:54)
• "They want to play in the Seniors open, but they don't understand that I'm not in the league anymore." – Greg (15:03)
• "There's a new breed of shoplifter who, when they get confronted, get indignant with the people. Like, how dare you?" – Adam (18:47)
• “Buy the robe. Fucking love it.” – Adam (54:22)
• "An erection in a terry cloth robe is going to stay at about 180. A silk robe, you're going 80 degrees straight up." – Greg (63:17)
• "If parents are done parenting, then cops and restaurant owners are gonna have to parent." – Adam (93:25)
• "All it is, is I want the opposite of whatever a normal person would want." – Adam (83:36)

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Memorable Moments

• The extended metaphor of appetizers and entrees as a way to understand male sexual capacity post-oral sex (09:00–09:38)
• Greg’s visual of hiding a used masturbation sleeve in a hotel robe "for the slow burn," guaranteeing a shock for the next user (50:35–51:05)
• Adam’s justified tirade on shoplifting culture and lack of shame (18:43–19:50)
• The mythos of The Red Baron told as a parable about grit and manhood (24:27–32:35)
• Hilarious riffing on the environmental impact of protest dildos (“Big Dildo," "Dildo Island") (47:38–48:21)
• The “I Love Titties” flag negotiation strategy (68:27–69:35)

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Episode Structure & Flow

• Opens with classic Carolla and Fitzsimmons banter about stand-up and aging.
• Midsection is dominated by candid (sometimes graphic) discussions about sex, relationships, and male fashion, laced with both lowbrow and observational humor.
• History segment provides a change of pace, with Adam drawing larger lessons about character.
• Shift to news, with Mike Dawson teeing up both actual headlines and riff-fodder (biohacker Brian Johnson, outrage headlines, modern movie casting, viral videos).
• Closes with plugs for live comedy and a general return-to-form Carolla signoff.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is pure, unfiltered Adam Carolla: irreverent, outrageously honest, and fueled by genuine curiosity and social critique. Greg Fitzsimmons matches Adam’s pace and provides his own brand of comic cynicism. Together with Mike Dawson’s news segment, the show offers a riotous, wide-ranging, and provocatively entertaining ride through everything from sex toys to historical heroics, from societal decay to spa-wear.

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Useful For:

• Fans seeking a hilarious, uncensored exploration of “guy stuff” and generational divides
• Listeners who want the quick-witted banter and ranty wisdom of Carolla and Fitzsimmons
• Anyone curious how a conversation can jump from old man masturbation to The Red Baron and back to dildos at a protest

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

So in this episode, Greg Fitzsimmons, Fitz dog, great comedian, comes back to join me. Also, news with awesome Dawson. And we'll do all that right after this.

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[Mike Dawson]

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[Mike Dawson]

From Corolla One studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show. Adam's guest today, Greg Fitzsimmons. Plus the news with me, Mike Dawson. And now, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on the church. Did you get it on, man? Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for telling a friend. Love that about you, Fitz dog. Greg Fitz Simmons in studio. He's got dates. You got to catch him before he retires, man. He may be retiring. And when he goes, it's going to be like that song American Pie. It's going to be the day the comedy died.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

So you want to catch him where you can Levity live. Oxnard, coming up. That's on the 11th of July. And then on the 12th, Huntington Beach, Mamba and. And then heading on out to Pittsburgh at the Improv. That'll be the 24th, 25th of July.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Instead of driving my Chevy to the levee, I'm gonna drive my Chevy to the Levity live.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I remember hearing that song when I was a young kid growing up in North Hollywood. And it's like, drove my Chevy. I'm like, got it to the levy. Don't know what the fuck that is. Drinking rye. Drinking whiskey or rye. Know what whiskey is? Not sure about the rye. And also, how big a do you have with alcohol that you need a bottle of whiskey and rye. Like, I could just stick with the rye. I could go with the whiskey. When he's drinking whiskey and rye, it's

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

like a Long island iced tea. Do I need four different alcohols in my one drink?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's going on in Long Island?

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of chubby chasers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. If you're a little overweight, ladies, head on out to Manasquan home. No, not Manasquan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, in Long island, you would know better than me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, well, you got Massapequa. You got Massapequa. That's what I meant.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what you meant.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Geez. Come on, you're local, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'm in. I'm from the better suburb. I'm from Westchester, which was a little more interesting than Long Island.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. But Massapequa can claim the Baldwins. They can claim Jerry Seinfeld, Rosie o'.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Donnell.

[Adam Carolla]

Rosie o'. Donnell, and Steve Guttenberg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. The Berg, the Gutenberg, all basically in the same, you know, graduating class. I mean, not the same year, but you know what I mean? Like, of the same few years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Unbelievable.

[Adam Carolla]

Massapequa. North Hollywood's got me and Christy Canyon.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Similar time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Tell me if this is wrong. Tell me if this is morally wrong. I was watching the two part. I think it's a two part special on Ron Jeremy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

And basically the story is he was a serial rapist, but they kept showing so many old throwback scenes from old movies.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I had to rub one out to the rape movie at some point, which, again, not good juju, but, I mean, how many old clips of him and Chrissy Canyon are you gonna throw up on my fucking 80 incher before I gotta make a trip to the bathroom? Like, sorry, Ron. Listen, ladies, I know this is done with a heavy heart and a hand, you know, but I'm sorry, you're gonna throw a bunch of vintage shots of you and Chrissy Canyon. Eventually, I gotta make a move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right. On yourself.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Do you ever tease yourself and sort of like, pull a little bit on the Elastica? Your boxers?

[Adam Carolla]

It is a sign of getting older where. When you. So it comes. All right, let's talk about masturbation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Okay, let's get into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get into it. Okay. Because it worked like this when you were a young man. The move was, I'm gonna rub one out. And then you rubbed one out, and you're like, you know what? I'm going for number two. I'm gonna do. I'm gonna Go for two?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. That's how it works. Then at some point you get old and you go, I may go for two. And you go for one. And you get a calf cramp. And you go like, I'm good. All right. And then when you get really old, you go, you know what? I'm gonna rub one out. And then 45 minutes later, you go, what was I thinking about? And then you go to bed. That's when it's time to die.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's also an age where you go, I'm going to ride one out. Wait a minute. When is my wife home this week? When do I have spots? Because if she makes a move on me in 24 hours.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I may not be within 24 hours. The shot clock has not been reset.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I have to time it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Be prepared.

[Adam Carolla]

The army says, yeah, it's Boy Scouts, but yeah, sure,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

when you're a kid, the Boy Scouts, they're.

[Adam Carolla]

They're the army. That's the Army. You're right. You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's kind of like. It's like you got your car, it's got a full tank. Do you need to get to Vegas? Well, you probably just need to go around town. But what if you got the call to go to Vegas and you're on half a tank and you weren't ready? You know what I mean? Yeah. There is that factor where you have to be prepared. Now, when you're young, you're always prepared, always ready. Doesn't matter. Yeah, you get a little bit older, you have to be prepared.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did have an incident at a Catch a Rising Star in Princeton, New Jersey, which was at this beautiful Hyatt Hotel. And it was a good room. And I got approached by. I don't know how it is now. Cause I'm not in that game anymore. But it used to be there was a girl at each club. It was a waitress. And you go like, yeah, I'm going to the Green Bay Chuckle Hut next week. And they'd go, karen. And you just knew Karen. And at this point, at this particular gig, it was Megan. And I go down there and I meet Megan, and she's a former gymnast, now a physical therapist, studying to be a physical therapist. We go out for drinks after the show, and then we go. I said, do you want to come back to my hotel room? And she said, I'm not allowed to go on premises when I'm not on the clock. And then she goes, but, you know,

[Adam Carolla]

when I'm not on the clock?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What's that mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Means she's not on the cock.

[Adam Carolla]

So she said she's now allowed to go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, because she's a waitress at the club.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, on the premises of the club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of the hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, of the hotel.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Club's in the hotel.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So she goes, pull around back. So we pull around back and she opens up the back door. And she starts, like, winding me through the. Serpentining through back staircases. And she knows what room I'm in because they always put the comics in the same room.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then she performs oral sex upon me. And then would like to Make Love about 20 minutes later, at which point I just. I'm not built. I was never built like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And she got very angry and she threw a cup of water at me and she left.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, that's on her. Like, she's gotta see that one coming. Pardon the pun. I mean, you can't blow a dude and expect him to be all into you in 20 minutes. That's not how the human. That's not how the male anatomy works. Number one. Also, it's like, I know guy. When I'll go out to dinner with him, they'll order a special entree, but they'll go, could we have that for the appetizer? And then they'll order. By the time you're done with that, there is no entree. You're fucking full. You ordered too many appetizers, and dessert's

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

out of the question.

[Adam Carolla]

Too much. That's on her. She should have known that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, I was overserved.

[Adam Carolla]

You were overserved?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, if that's her M.O. like, how often does that happen? You think, oh, it worked perfectly on Artie Lange last week. Why wouldn't it work on Fitz Dog?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And also, I always ask who was here last week just so I know

[Adam Carolla]

what's going on with that. Yeah. You know, you pray the answers in Lane Boozler. Thank you. The boos you hope, you hope not. Greg Giraldo. That's a problem, Right?

[Mike Dawson]

Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If Patrice o' Neill was there.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Commercial Announcer]

Problem.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So now there's two kinds of blow jobs. There's I'm getting you prepped blow job, and I'm a soup to nuts blowjob. Pardon the pun again.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Meaning?

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes the blow job is just supposed to be a fluff. The fluff job, but it turns into a blow job. It turns into a full completion. Maybe that was her thing. Maybe she was fluffing and you folded. I don't Even know what? That doesn't even mean anything. It just sounds funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that actually she gave me the

[Adam Carolla]

old fluff and fold.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you think that's how Gabriel Iglesias got his name? Fluffy?

[Adam Carolla]

Fluffy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you think that's what he's into?

[Adam Carolla]

I could see being into being perpetually fluffed. Yeah, yeah. His bag is, I'm not fat, I'm fluffy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, is that what he says?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's the joke. Yeah, he's fluffy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right? Not funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you know. You know, the thing about guys like that is I don't think guys like us sit down and appreciate their material. Like if we were reading it off a script.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

But then you go see him live and you go, oh, okay, that guy knows. That guy can perform.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's a great performer and he's beloved. And I shouldn't have said that. I was actually just kind of playing off that. You said fluffy and funny. Sounded like fluffy.

[Adam Carolla]

Do we say beloved or beloved?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Beloved.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, all right, keep going. So you got blown.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I got blown and she threw

[Adam Carolla]

water in my face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look, I had the ability to remove my penis from her mouth at any point. If I was playing the long ball and I was thinking about her, I should have said, you know, okay, let's transition now to the entree. Let me not make a meal of the appetizer.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right, right. Yeah. So it's a little bit on you. Well, it was in her. Right now you have to go perform at that club that night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, this is after the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, so no more shows. No following night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You think I invite her over before the show?

[Adam Carolla]

No, but oftentimes there's a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, like a show on Sunday. Like there's multiple.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, no, no. You always wait till Saturday to throw of the move. All right, so that's a rookie move going Thursday, Friday.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you don't want to see her walking around in the audience the following night when you're doing the show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And you may meet somebody from the audience Thursday or Friday. Yeah. Which is always preferable than a staff member.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Civilian.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And do you run into this now which is the scariest women are the formerly hot chicks who are now drunk. They were hot and they were hot for a long time. They were hot from. For a woman you can be hot from. Well, you can know you're hot when you're 14 and you can be hot until you're 45. Like you can have a 30 year run into your early 50s. It depends on genetics and work and lifestyle. Yeah, okay, but you know, like a 40 year run of hot, right? But then you do get older and you see what you look like stepping out of the shower in the bathroom and you're not your former self, but when you're drinking, you go back to 25 in your brain. So you sober understands how the world sees you now. Just like guys will do this when they drink and they go, fuck you bro, put them up like you're not, that you're not, that you're 60, you're not fucking 22, that's not you. But you drink and you go back to where you were, you go back to your best look best in your underpants years, you know what I mean? And guys will go back to fought the best years even though they're fucking over the hill. So the dangerous women are the ones that get drunk who used to be hot, by the way. The hotness doesn't go away completely. There's remnants of hot, like you go, okay, I can see in 88 you were fucking smoking hot, right? But now you're not anymore, but you're drunk and you think you are. And that's how we're having this interaction.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it really just depends on a lot. Nutrition, water intake, sunscreen, what state you live in. There really is a thing about a California 9.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you run into drunken, formerly hot chicks is what I'm saying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I think we're talking about. The category we're talking about here is the Chuckle Fuckers. The ones that they have a thing for standup comedians. And the women that are Chuckle Fuckers often are veterans of the sport. They want to play in the Seniors open, but they don't understand that I'm not in the league anymore. I'm out of the league, I'm not in the game.

[Adam Carolla]

I do think that a lot of women think that even if a guy's married or committed or whatever, they'll still stray if I go over there and sort of give them the right signal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is true for a fair amount of guys. So they're sort of playing an average. Did you see there's a video that I'm delighted with and actually Andrew, I forgot to tell you to grab it. But when I went over to Jake Steinfeld's house, did one of my video vlogs, Body by Jake House burnt down, rebuilding it in the Palisades. And at some point in that video, Andrew, I walked over to that compressor and that was running. It was a compressor, an air compressor that was running about 30 nail guns at once, which is Kind of crazy. Every hose represents a pneumatic nail gun. And Normally guys have five compressors. This is one big compressor that is running 25 nail guns all off. And I went over there and I just popped one hose. Just because I knew whoever's on the other end with that gun, the floor above me would go, what the fuck? I just did it for 10 seconds. I popped it back, but late. And I'll show you the thing, but I'll circle it back to a video that I like. Jake knew nothing about building, which is most guys, but I'm kind of surprised when they know zero. Yeah, because you think you'd pick up something building a house or two. All right, so there's a compressor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn, that's a big house.

[Adam Carolla]

10,000 square. Look how many. Wow. All those hoses are going to a nail gun. I'm gonna screw with just one guy. So I just popped one hose,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

and

[Adam Carolla]

then I popped it back off. But anyway. Now, I saw this video the other day where some local folks were trying to steal a compressor. And I've always talked about, you want to fire. You can fire nail guns at people, but you got to hold the safety back at the end. You have to physically reach out to the end of the gun, pull this mechanism back because it's a safety. It won't fire. Yeah, but these guys were roofing where you need a nail gun. And these guys, I think a guy and a girl, by the way, I don't think I could ever get a woman to accompany me committing larceny. But they're gonna steal this air compressor. Now, the air compressor here that they got is 7, 800 bucks. Like they were smart guy and a girl, people of color jumping inside. They back the car up to steal the compressor. The folks on the roof are throwing scrap wood at him, and he's throwing

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

it back like he's angry that they're not treating him back.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop for a second here. There is a part I can identify with shoplifting. When I was a kid, I'd shoplift candy bars and shit like that. Batteries, whatever. There's a new breed of shoplifter who, when they get confronted, get indignant with the people. Like, how dare you?

[Advertisement Voice]

Fuck you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll fuck you. Call the cops. You call the cops. It's like, wait a minute. Get the part where you're stealing shit. But now the part where you're offended that the place that owns the store told you not to, and now you're pissed. That's bald.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where's the shame?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what the shame is. Look, you take the fucking. Here's what you would do. You take the shit, you walk to the back of the store, you fucking stuff it down your pants, you pull your shirt over, and you walk out very quietly with your hat down. And if someone confronts you, you fucking run yelling, sorry. You don't fucking go, oh, yeah, I'm fuck you up, bitch. You'll fuck me up. Like, that's a weird thing when you get on the offense.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So this guy's throwing scraps of two by four back at the Mexicans who are using the compressor. But then at some point, they'll start firing the nail gun at the dude who, by the way, is shirtless. Turn it up. Sorry. He's trying to get the compressor, by the way. Pause it. The fact that you don't think it's a good idea to at least put a shirt on to steal, you know, like, how casual can you be? Also, you're stealing shit with no shirt, and you have, like, weird rib tattoos and stuff. So the guy will go, I can't recognize one black guy from the other, but this guy had a tattoo on his ribs. And then you'd be identified. They're firing a nail gun at this guy. He's getting hit with nails with no shirt. If this fucking guy knew what I knew, he would just unplug the air hose, right? You can pop the air hose and your nail gun is. It's rendered useless, by the way. It's not 10 seconds. Pop the hose, you don't get another shot off. Yeah, that's it. But he doesn't. He doesn't know that. See? Sorry. Go back and keep going for a second. The woman who should be yelling at him right now is just kind of unclear what she's doing in this sort of Bonnie and Clyde situation. But. All right, run the sound. This is the greatest video I've ever seen. This is the worst and the best of America right here. Right in one video.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now he's running like a little girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Handsome retreat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Scratching up the Nissan.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Scratching up the Nissan. Yeah. Now, I don't know who I like more, the rooftop Koreans or the Mexican roofers with the nail gun, but they're all heroes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What I like is one of the roofers was a woman.

[Adam Carolla]

She's narrating. Yeah, I agree. Yes. He's used this T shirt to block his license plate is what? It's a black T shirt on a black car. That's why it's a little hard to see. But he's being shot again. I'm not here to give tips to guys stealing air compressors, but unplug the airline and you won't get shot at with a roofing gun. And by the way, the roofing gun, you know the thing about a framing gun. Fitz Dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That'll hold one rack of 16 penny sinkers or eight penny sinkers. Probably one rack. Probably has about 30, but you'll run out of them. The roofing one has a big spool, like the gun. Jesse, the body Ventera used in Predator or something. I ain't got time to bleed. You know, by the way, every gun. I don't know how guns work. I'm not a gun manufacturer. But every action movie, when there's a Gatling gun on a helicopter and then the helicopter crashes, Vin Diesel just ranks it off the helicopter and continues to use it, which I. Again, I'm not a munitions expert, but I don't think it would operate at that point. You know what I'm saying?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There was the guy. Was it no country for Old Men where Javier Bardem.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was killing people with an air gun.

[Adam Carolla]

He was using a bolt. Yeah. Yes, he was. Now, okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But at air compression.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. He was using a gun for killing livestock that had a bolt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, once again, he used it to pop the deadbolt off on the guy. You could pop the mechanism out. The bolt's still in the door.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good point.

[Adam Carolla]

That's still there. You throw the deadbolt, it's two and a half, three inches, it's in the door. And then you pop the lock mechanism out and there's a hole in it, but the bolt's still there. You don't just walk in. You'd have to reach in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Give me Joel Cohen on the line.

[Adam Carolla]

Get Cohen on the line. All right, so, yes, he had compressed air, but it may not have been air in that tank. It could have been hydrogen or something like that. But anyway, that and that. That was the best. That's the greatest thing ever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I love that.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, I was watching. What do you think about this? The Red Baron?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like Baron Von.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, the actual Red Baron. Baron Von Richtofen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is World War I, right?

[Adam Carolla]

World War I. You know, that guy comes from, like. He's a baron. He comes from aristocracy. Yes. He's a rich guy. Think about the different world he lived in versus now. So it's like 19, 16. 1917. He's like 18 or 19. He's a baron. Comes from tons of money. But of course, he's going to join the cavalry for World War I because all his family members, all the proud serving members, Prussian or whatever, were in the cavalry all the way back 100 years. So he's going to join the cavalry unit, which he does, even though he's the son of a rich guy. So he goes in, and World War I breaks out, and he's in the cavalry, and he's like, you know, back then. And also he's a rich guy, and they're not really using the cavalry because it's kind of mechanized now, war tanks, stuff like that, and trenches. So he's like, look, I didn't sign up to not get shot at. Even though he's a rich guy, right? Son of a rich guy, He's a baron. So he's like, where's the action? Because I'm not finding any action in this cavalry shit, because we're just sort of in the rear with the gear, like, garden shit. We're not on the front line, because I guess you couldn't just take horses and go entrench warfare. So he's like, I want to go somewhere else where I can find some action. So they're like, well, we do have the air. The airplane, air stuff. And they need, like, photographers. They fly over the battlefield, they take photographs, and they bring them back to headquarters and they can tell where to shoot their cannons. So he's like, all right, I'll sign up for that. So he leaves the cavalry and he signs up to be a photographer. He flies around, does that a few times, and he's like, I didn't sign up to take pictures. I want to kill people. And they're like, well, you're kind of up here to take pictures, and, you know, you are a baron and everything. And he goes, I'll tell you what, Next time I come up, I'm bringing my gun. And so now he comes up, he's got his camera and he's got his gun, and he's telling the. He's telling the pilot, hey, that guy over there, that English bip. Go get closer to it. I'm gonna shoot that guy. And the guy's like, huh? And he's like, trying to shoot at it with his gun, but it's not really working. And then he goes, look, I didn't come up. I didn't sign up to do this. I want to fucking. I want to fly one of those airplanes because they got guns mounted. I'm going to do that. And they're like, all right. And they basically train him up and A couple months later, he's just up there, and if he saw, you know, a English plane flying around, he'd just go right at it. He'd just go right at it, guns blazing. And he gets a kill, and then he gets another kill. And then, you know, kills the aviator and kills the nav guy. And kills, kills, kills. And just keeps, like, racking up. And next thing you know, he's got 45 kills. He's got 50 kills. I mean, to be an ace. I think to be recognized as an ace, you can look it up, Dawson. To be an ace in World War II, World War I. Well, yeah, but after that, World War II got it. You needed to get, like six kills. He had 80. He I and World War I. I don't know when he got to be an ace. And obviously they're Germany and we're America, so have, you know, slightly different standards for things, but he gets. He racks up like 60, right? Five or more. All right, well, I said six. All right. That was not too bad. All right, he's got 80, but when he's on his way to 80, he's on his way to 80 and he's at like 55 and he gets shot in the ear. And a bullet, like, goes through his ear and catches him in the side or whatever.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did he pump his fist in the air afterwards, like Snoopy? No, like Trump.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Trump. Oh, I thought Snoopy did a lot of that, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Bigger ears to shoot at.

[Mike Dawson]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Big floppy beagle ears. I think Snoopy would get confounded. And that's where you make that confounded fist. Yeah, Trump and Snoopy, all the greats, got shot in the air and did the fist bump. So pump. So he gets shot, cross his ear. Comes from a family of rich people. The army was like, hey, man, you're rich. We know your family. You don't have to do this. You could just go get a desk job and ride the war out. He's like, nah, I'm here to kill people. Yeah, and he's killed, by the way, when he, you know, he shoots down 50 planes, that means he's killed 70 people because some of those planes had a couple people in them, right? He's got bracket up numbers. But he gets shot, he gets kind of fucked up. So he's got to go in the hospital for a while. But after like 10 days in the hospital, he's like, I'm going back up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He ripped the bandage off his ear.

[Adam Carolla]

He went back up with the fucking thing around his head. That's his thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Then he goes back up. He gets shot up. He got shot in the ear. He manages to crash land his plane, basically. He gets shot in the ear and sort of the side of the head and gets knocked out temporarily while he's up in the air, but then sort of wakes up in time to sort of bring the plane down in some field somewhere and then goes to the hospital, then goes back up, then kills a bunch more people. Kills 80 people. It's clear at this point Germany's gonna lose the war. But he's like, I'm going back up. Goes back up. His plane never gets shot down. He gets shot in the chest. He never crashes his plane. He gets shot in the chest. He manages with a bullet hole in his chest to bring the plane down. Lands it in enemy territory. Lands it where the English are. Plane comes to a stop, he dies. The English give him a full burial. Like, they literally give him full honors burial.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They knew this guy. He was.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a Red Baron. He drove a red. His plane was red. They painted it red. Wanted everyone to know who he was. Not good for blending in over the treetops there. Red did not care. And the English, and maybe the Americans, I don't remember, give a full honor guy saluting. He shot down half their squadron. They're fucking saluting this guy because that's the way we used to roll, right? Rich guy, son still going in also other side. Who? Bunch of guys you killed. We respect you in the job you did. Killing our guys. Right. They give a full honors burial. By the way, also, tor part is playing. Because if you could get the fucking seat out of the Red Baron's plane, I mean, you know how much that fucking be worth on ebay today?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

From Fenway Park? Yeah, right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Yeah. Except for there was only 1 versus 41,000. You know what I mean? One plane like they. They're tearing swatches of fabric off the wings and shit just to go. This is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like the toilet seat that Elvis died on.

[Adam Carolla]

I got it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You have it?

[Adam Carolla]

Bought it on eBay seven years ago. Not. I don't sit on it. But I will spit around my neck when I'm sitting on a regulation seat. Oh, oh, oh. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, O'Reilly Auto Parts. They offer helpful service and parts and knowledge to maintain and repair your vehicle. Look, when I'm stuck with a car problem, I always call O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts and accessories in stock, either in store or online. They'll test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they will help find the right one for you. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll find the professional parts people to Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful and best of all, they are friendly. I always go there and if I can't figure it out, O'Reilly's always my first stop. But I'm prepping a car for a race now, so I am going to O'Reilly. They're your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself and you'll find what you need either in store or online at O'Reilly. Right Dawson stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts

[Mike Dawson]

today or visit us at O'ReillyAuto.com Adam

[Adam Carolla]

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[Mike Dawson]

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[Adam Carolla]

All right, so he. All right, everyone. You know how old he was? 26.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No way. 26.

[Adam Carolla]

Half the fucking douches I talked to are 26. Don't even have their fucking driver's license by now.

[Commercial Announcer]

Damn.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what the average 26 year old in America looks like? Fat and lazy and scared and dumb and no license. He was 26.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. They're playing a video game of a plane fighting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At 26.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, take a look at Teddy Roosevelt who grew up probably wealthier than the Baron. He was super uber wealthy and had asthma as a kid. Was very weak. They had to take him, you know, back then they took him to the spas for the heirs or whatever they call it. The whatevers.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean back there was a time when they just go, you gotta move to Arizona.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, right. But for them it was Europe because they were so rich. Beats the asthma. Joins the cavalry. Back when the cavalry was doing something during the, I think it was the Spanish American War and he led cavalry into I believe it was Cuba and won a major battle. Turn the war around. He didn't need to do that. No John F. Kennedy, no PT109.

[Adam Carolla]

Those days are gone, baby.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

There's no such thing. That was called character. Grit, grit. Man's word is his bond.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you got a team of lawyers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Send me to Iran. I'll fucking go.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll do.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I want to be a man. It is weird to think because you and I are old enough that we got the. You don't get drafted, but you get your draft card when you turn 18 and there is that three year period where you're like, all right, I'm the guy right now. If something happens, I'm the guy. And. And my cousins actually had just graduated from West Point.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

During the first Iraq War.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so they were like, I was like, all right, they're going, they're going. And then they didn't get to go. And I thought, I don't know, I don't. Did we do, did we lose something? As a man, like, if there's seven sacraments to be a Catholic. Is going to war one of the rites of passage for a man?

[Adam Carolla]

I think historically there was a you must slay a dragon version of life. It could be a hunter. It could be somebody who's insulted your family's dignity or something like that. But there was almost a necessity to scratch that itch. It could be done in war. It could be done with a duel. It could be done on a hunt. You know what I mean? But that part where you leave the village a boy and you come back a man because you hunted that lion down or whatever we used to. Now it's a lot of risk avoidance and everything's about safety. And I don't think. I think young men are having a tough time right now because we built them a sort of padded gilded cage of safety. You know, guys need to, like, skin their knees a little bit and get out there, let a waitress, him on the road. You know what I mean? Real manly, you know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They called me the Baron back then, the Greg Baron.

[Adam Carolla]

But, you know, also, glass of water in the face is old school, too. Yeah, yeah, that's old school. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then turning she. And she turned on her heel after throwing it. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But I said, good day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I said, good day, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Literally. I was talking about a little my act. But I was seeing a story out of Portland from like three or four weeks ago where anti ice protesters were throwing dildos at ice officers and beating them with dildos. And I said, that's a long way from. I said, good day. Which was the greatest insult that could be leveled 100 years ago. 1960. They're putting daisies in the barrels of the rifles of the National Guardsmen. That's their protest now. Double ender.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, they were throwing dildos at the WNBA at one point.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it started with the wnba and then it moved to the ice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, and when they did it at the wnba, obviously the women, they couldn't catch them, so they were falling on the ground. Yeah, but why were they throwing dildos at the wnba?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, here's the way our country works. It's like we have such a thing as a copycat killer where you're just sitting around working a job at the post office, and then you turn on the news and you see there's a serial killer and you go, huh, maybe I should go out and execute prostitutes. Like, we have people that will just do shit because someone else did it once.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Somebody threw a deal, though, and many other Americans were inspired and went, like, you know what? Maybe I could throw a dildo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, I mean, it was like they were inspired.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. By that first rioting after your team wins.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a new thing.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a new thing, too.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think it started in Toronto, actually.

[Mike Dawson]

It is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then Philly took up the next leg of that one.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's see. Brightly colored sex toys were thrown onto WNBA courts by online. What word is that? I don't know what that word is. Gorilla by online what?

[Mike Dawson]

Gorilla.

[Adam Carolla]

It says buy online. Why do.

[Mike Dawson]

Oh, that's cryptocurrency.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, why are you saying gorilla?

[Mike Dawson]

Because that's what I was doing, being told.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I just sped it back. Cryptocurrency. I guess I've never. Cryptocurrency is a word that is nine weeks old because it never came up before. All right, when did they throw all the dildos at the ice officers? And was that Portland? And listen, this is great. If you manufacture dildos, I'll tell you the businesses to get into companies that manufacture plywood. Because we used to just use plywood for subflooring. Now we have to board up every fucking city every 20 minutes. Like, oh, bad verdict came out of the race trial. Board them up. You're selling so many units of plywood. Because if you think about it, you build a house, you buy 25 sheets of plywood, you're done. They do the subflooring, move on. House is good for 80 years. No more plywood. But if there's riots every. Every three weeks in every major city, that's a lot of units of fucking plywood moving. And dildos. I mean, the average dildo probably lasts the average woman almost a lifetime. I don't know any woman who's worn out at dildo. I'd like to meet her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I guess the batteries, if you're throwing them, well.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a vibrator.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Are you talking about just a dildo? Oh, yeah. That could be handed down for generations.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my sister got hers from my mom for sure.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Was it black?

[Adam Carolla]

It was until my sister wore it off. It turns out the base coat, like your car's not really. Whatever a color is. There's a primer. She wore it down to a primer. Gray. At least when I saw it last. That's what you're asking. But, yes, you're right. Technically, it started as black. Mm. Operation Dildo Blitz was a wave of anti ice immigration and custom enforcement protests. Distractions. Sorry. Demonstrations first emerged in Minneapolis before spreading to major cities like Los Angeles, Chicago. So I'm saying you manufacture dildos. This is a lot of units being moved because they're buying dildos and just throwing them at isis. Here's what I'm saying. Let me say this, pittsdog. If you're a drug company and you make oxycodone or oxycontin or some sort of painkiller, right? You're not gonna get rich off of me. I don't take them. Every 12 years I have oral surgery and the guy issues me six of them. That's it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not going to make a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

But if you get hooked on them and you're doing 100 a day, you're moving units.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Same with dildos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you're saying the first dildos throne were employees of the Yes a Lot brand?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I am saying the guy. If you were smart and you sold dildos and you manufacture dildos, you would show up with some factory seconds. You know what I mean? Sometimes that one's got three nuts on it. That one's got two holes in the end of the head. That one's got a botched circumcision. The one's veins too big. There are such a thing as factory seconds in dildo departments. Come on. You understand? You show with a bucket of those and then you go, you start throwing them at ice guys going, come on everybody, where's your dildos? And the next thing you know, guys are showing up with baskets of dildos.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then you show up at the end of the protest with a basket.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. And I pick up those.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pick them up, pick them up.

[Adam Carolla]

Resell em, resell em.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. And you're like selling them and you're like, why does the dildo have scuff marks on it? Ah, it's just a little asphalt.

[Commercial Announcer]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

That's just out taking a road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, when you buy a car, it's not like someone didn't test drive it before. You got it, your highness.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you want the dildo or not?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't throw used dildos. I throw out of the box, plastic wrapped dildos.

[Adam Carolla]

They still gotta have that new cock smell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. I understand you have standards, but you ever think about the environment? What about that giant dildo island in the middle of the Pacific, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just swirling around, going into the hole.

[Adam Carolla]

How much materials does a dildo like? People talk about water bottles, but you picture a water bottle, plastic, volume wise tallow and then a double ender yeah. Double Ender is good for several thousand bottles.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Know what I mean? Like, maybe we should get our eye on the prize.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe we should be talking about Big Dildo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And there should be a deposit, like there is with a bottle of water, but it should be like a $10,000 deposit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I think let's not focus on cows farting. Let's focus on Big Dildo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Because they're selling a lot of units and that's using up a lot of natural resources.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, that's why some of the films that I've seen on the Internet have showed there has been some conservation of the dildo, where several women will go in on one as a group.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, like recycling.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. It shouldn't be one dildo per woman. That's. That's piggish.

[Commercial Announcer]

Mmm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Which is the name of one of the films, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Ugly American.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you're saying they. They share the dildo?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They share it. It's got two ends on it, which you're only using one.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you like the. The double ender there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like a double ender.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. You know what? That's not necessarily my cup of tea, but I get it. Like, there are things in porn I don't get. We were discussing Two Girls One cup the other day. Not my thing, but the double Ender I get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then you talk about the waist of the. Is it the pocket rocket? The fake vagina? Is that what they call it? Pocket rocket?

[Adam Carolla]

I think we got to look that

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

one up, whatever it is. But they think about those. Because I hosted the porn awards, as

[Adam Carolla]

you know, a couple times, people are still talking about it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the table centers, instead of being flowers, were dildos and pocket rockets.

[Mike Dawson]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So me and my buddies all grab one and we're laughing and we go to the strip club and we're pretending it's like a puppet and making the

[Adam Carolla]

dancers senior wences is table four.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he's got a little vibrato in his voice. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And so. But then we all go back to our rooms, and then we see each other the next day in the lobby. It's like 11 o'. Clock. I'm like, did you fuck it? My friend's like, yeah, you fuck it. I'm like, yeah, we all fucked it.

[Mike Dawson]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's the thing, is if you're alone in the room with the pocket rock, but then you think, all right, now what am I gonna do. Am I gonna recycle? Am I gonna wash this and put it in my luggage and go through TSA and bring it home to my wife? No. And also not going to leave it in the wastebasket for some poor maid to have to scoop it out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what did I do?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Well, hold on a second. I'm being being told. Pocket rockets. Kind of a euphemism for the Japanese motorcycle. The little ninjas and stuff like that. We're talking flashlights, strokers, or masturbation sleeves. Now, there is a pocket rocket. Something. All right. Anyway, keep going.

[Commercial Announcer]

What did you do?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What did I do with it?

[Adam Carolla]

You can't push it through security. You can't leave it for the maid. You have to do the dignified thing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Pocket of the bathrobe in the closet. Oh, yes, the slow burn. We don't know when it's gonna happen.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Could be next week, could be in six months.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone's gonna go for that bathrobe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And guess what? Now there's a man alone in a room with a pocket rocket.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it ain't his, you know. I tell you, women are more likely to go for the bathrobe, though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's gonna be tough on a lady's psyche. I think that's called scarring, is what they call that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you ever use the robe in a hotel?

[Adam Carolla]

Let me say this. I am 6 foot 2 and I have a sort of broady, beefy back. Every single robe in a hotel is made for someone five eight and under and £140 and under. They give you the medium small robe. It makes sense. Why would they give you a fucking jumbo robe? It's mostly chicks who wear it. At some point I'll discover the robe and I'll go, oh, but I got really long arms and kind of a broadish back that takes up material. I put the fucking robe on. I can't put my hands together. It's too tight. It's too binding. An uncomfortable robe is worse than no robe, of course. And all it does is frustrate me. And I'm like, fuck this. And it's a fool's errand. And I never go for it because it never works out. The robe is always a little too small, and the slippers are always a little too small. The robe and the slippers at a hotel are the same as a coach seat and a commercial airliner. They're just made for 5, 8 and 151 pounds. They're not made for 6 to 200 pounds, you're never going to fit, right. They know what they're doing. So, no, I don't do it. I have, and I will say this, and I told Kimmel this a few nights ago. Do your fucking selves a favor. Splurge on a really nice bathrobe. It ain't gonna be 29 bucks. It's not gonna be 41 bucks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did you have the guest to bring home?

[Adam Carolla]

I literally. I went to Malibu and bought myself, like, a $180 bathrobe. And it's the best thing I ever did in my life. And then because I was so in love with it, I bought one for Jimmy's mom, Joan, who then put it on at the Christmas party and sort of shamed Jimmy, I think. Cause she kept going on about, that's the best gift she's ever got. Jimmy started getting p. Oh. After a while that I thought it was super funny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think putting someone's mom in your robe is also a little.

[Adam Carolla]

I got it for her. So the next year, Jimmy just got

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

me

[Adam Carolla]

a $500 robe. Like, a fucking robe feels like you're being hugged by a toothless bear and just, like, just melting into it. Big, spacious, great. And I'm telling you people, you can find one on Amazon for 28 bucks. Fuck that. Also, everyone, when you do a thing where you're like, come on, $200 robe. Come on, Ace. That's fucking. Your Mom's car was 200 bucks growing up. Like, you're not $200 robe material. Name something you use every single day for year upon year upon year. Like, literally every day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Back scratcher.

[Adam Carolla]

I fucking went. I'm buying a super nice pair of slippers in a super nice robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And good sheets.

[Adam Carolla]

And good sheets. Every fucking morning, I put that robe on and those slippers. At some point, my day is done. Back into the robe and the slippers. Every single day. Now you'll go out to a nice meal. It'll be 300 bucks, but you won't buy the rope meal. You're gonna be shitting out the next morning. People do that shit all the time. You'll, like, upgrade from coach to economy plus or to business. Four or five hundred bucks. That's on one flight. Buy the robe. Fucking love it. And I thought I had.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that leading it to a sponsorship?

[Adam Carolla]

Robes.com has just joined the Corolla family.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I had a robe from, of all places, Restoration Hardware. Oh, they did.

[Adam Carolla]

Good stuff. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I got it. And it was definitely like a spoil Myself moment like you're talking about. It was terry cloth, thick gray. I mean, this thing felt like velvet.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I wore it every single day for 15 years.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then my wife goes, have you ever washed that robe? I go, no, I've never washed the robe.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me ask it. It's standing up, smoking in the corner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, Mr. Robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So, and here's the deal. You can buy a cheap thin ass robe that doesn't feel good or part polyester or whatever. You don't fucking use it for 15 years. And that robe was 40 bucks. Pay another hundred bucks and get one you'll use every day for the next 15 years straight.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Look, man, you're preaching to the choir. I hear you. I love a good rope. I love that it can. That it has a belt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You can tie sash, a sash and you cinch.

[Adam Carolla]

You cinch the sash, that sash.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh. What feels more elegant and powerful than that?

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing. There is a thing where each end has an extra four feet on it. Like, I don't know who you thought you're buying this for. Ralph Gramden. Like, how much fucking robe, how much sash does a guy need? But that the sh. Like you're fucking dragging while you're walking and other fucking things. You're standing on the other side of it. It's a little too long in the sash department. But I got my robe. I loved it. Jimmy out robed me, got me even better robe. And I told him to his face, I've now replaced my robe with your robe. The number one robe in my house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The alpha robe.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Beautiful alpha robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's also a pocket in it. And I've always thought, yeah, what do you put in a pocket of a robe?

[Adam Carolla]

It almost flies against the notion of a robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Wallets, phones. That's outdoor shit. Yeah. I'm in this robe because I'm not anchored to any device, bro. I'm free in this robe. You know what I mean?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm in the moment.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't even wear underpants under my robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that true? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like it defeats the robe. I'm going free.

[Commercial Announcer]

Ball.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

I got nothing in my pockets. I don't know what that the only thing you could do with those pockets. I would sign it off if it was like the 60s and you were a smoker.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a smoking pocket, you know? You know. You know what a cool item is? The terry cloth pool wrap from the 60s. It's like, it's like a mini skirt for a Dude, it's got the pocket. You never seen that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No skirts.

[Adam Carolla]

They're pool wraps. They're like a robe for your cock and balls when the sun's out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, like pool.

[Adam Carolla]

What it be? Terry cloth pool wrap or something. You got a picture like what Dean Martin would wear by a pool in Vegas in 1964.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

What is that thing called? It's kind of a power item. Guys don't do it anymore. Guys walk around in their trunks. Women.

[Mike Dawson]

There's a terry cloth cover up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a cover up.

[Mike Dawson]

Wrap is also used.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it is? Yeah, it's a real like if you're. If your fucking ship has arrived, you have your initials in yours, it's monogrammed. And then you got a cigarette, like a silver cigarette case and one with like a metal lighter. That means you're fucking high rolling in the 60s.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're. You're James Bond, right? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now you're showing a smoking jacket for some reason, but there must be a pool rat in there.

[Mike Dawson]

Looks more like. It looks more like a little onesie. Almost like.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell Andrew, Tell Andrew I don't know what the fuck he said. Why are you showing me smoking jackets?

[Advertisement Voice]

This is just what's popping up on Google.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you put in what, terry cloth pool rap. What are you putting up on Google? Terry?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think the next time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're saying robe. I'm saying wrap. You putting the word robe in there. Now don't put Dean Martin, by the way. No, I'm saying rap, rap. And you're saying robe and get rid of Dean Martin. I don't think it's. I think that's gonna. Terry cloth pool wrap. There you go. That'll. That'll. That'll get us. You put robe, you get a smoking jacket. Although a smoking jack is pretty cool too. I would like a smoking jacket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just going back to the robe for a moment. You think about the different scenarios. Scenarios are scenarios for you.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, man, it's. I think scenarios. How.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right, in this scenario, we're going to say scenario, okay? You got. You got two scenarios when you got a robe on. One is you're going to go get a massage. You're gonna sit in a hot tub. You're gonna go in the steam room.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the other one is you're at the clinic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or you're walking into a ring where you're gonna get pummeled by another guy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the boxing one. Yeah, you're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Two uses for the robe.

[Adam Carolla]

Lot of range. With those robes, a lot of range. Rangy robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, the silk robe seems great, but weird and uncomfortable. But I'll tell you what, the silk robe. I've realized what the rub on the silk robe was. It was never for comfort. All right. Terry cloth pool men's wrap. It's got to come up. It doesn't come up. Oh, there it is. Men's bath towel. Adjustable. Yeah, Go down. Go to number two there. It's.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

See, they're calling it a. I don't know what they're calling it. A bath towel. That's not a bath towel, though.

[Mike Dawson]

But ones for women are like jumper suits.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got a pocket. It's got a pocket in it. What are they calling it? What are they calling this, Dawson? I can't read it from here.

[Mike Dawson]

That's a men's spa wrap, I believe.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's a spa wrap, all right. So that's what it is. I'm calling it a pool wrap or whatever. It's a spa wrap, they call it, but it's got a pocket. You can walk around. You can freeball it. You don't have the shorts bleeding through. Terry cloth comfort. And if you got a little gut work and you can cinch it up a little bit. The silk robe. The silk robe, people think, well, that's comfortable. It's not. It's the opposite of comfort. By the way, the sash never stays tied in a silk robe because it always slides open. That's the point. A dude who wears a silk robe wants you to check out his package. Rodney Dangerfield would come in in that silk robe, sit down on the sofa, splay his knees out like how Trump sits, and then lean back, and the next thing you know, eventually, a silk robe cannot stay together. A terry cloth robe is like Saran Wrap. Once it folds, it basically will stay. Silk robe is sliding also your terry cloth robe.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You come out of the show, it's going to do the final bit of drying for you. You don't have to sweat my dry.

[Mike Dawson]

No.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

50% of it. Dry a little bit.

[Adam Carolla]

Drops on the small.

[Mike Dawson]

Your back.

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Let the robe handle that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Roll that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, no, you're right. It's a giant towel. It's like you took six towels and fashioned them into a robe. Yeah, that. That's my feeling all the time. I get out of the shower and I go, I'll. I'll mop my head off. But the rest is going to be done by the robe. The silk robe does stick to you. It does nothing you slide around, the sash doesn't stay shut and it's bound to come open. But I believe that's the plan. When the lady friend comes over the house, you do wear the silk robe. So at some point when you're sitting down. Oh, what happened here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

An erection in a terry cloth robe is going to stay at about 180. It'll go to about 165 degrees.

[Adam Carolla]

In the degree.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

In the degree.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A silk robe, you're going 80. You're going 80 degrees straight up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. No, there's no, those are. There is no resistance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, there's no pushback.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, the fucking rope's coming open anyway. So you're just going to part the Red Sea right there.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Thick terry cloth will kill a boner. It can hold it down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? It's jeans versus like high school. If you had jeans versus sweatpants and no underwear, that was an issue. High school boner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I took a nap yesterday with my jeans on and I'm not a napper and maybe I had to pee or whatever, but I woke up, I dreamed about having an erection and I woke up and I had a. And when I was young I thought old guys talking about having a good erection. I was like, what are you talking about? I had a good erection. They all used to be good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this one. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was ready for it. Was it. It had eyeballs and it was looking around. It wanted some action. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I, you know, that's the one that is the good erection is the one feels like it's pushing, like it's trying to break out. Like that film Alien. The guy strapped down and then all of a sudden it pops out and scurries across the room and just goes out. Yeah, it's the pushback one,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

man. It was good. I didn't even do anything with it. Yeah, no, it was a waste. You know, I, I threw a move on the wife and she made this noise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, don't, don't make that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's weird. Like, it's like you put two hours on the meter and then you could walk to the restaurant. It's closed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You turn around, you come back, you got an hour and 51 minutes. It. I'm leaving. You didn't do anything with that meter. You wasted it. It's a waste.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You didn't do anything with that boner, Fitz dog.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, that was hard earned money you put into that meter. Those coins, those were a reflection of work sweat. You know that boner didn't come out of nowhere. There was some thoughts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and by the way, there's kids in Africa don't have boners. No, you just think you can waste that boner. I know that's an ugly American. All right, Fitz dog, let's give you some plugs here. Levity Live. Coming up, Knox Art. That's a fun club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a great club.

[Adam Carolla]

Coming up on the 11th. Coming up soon. Then Huntington Beach. Next night, 12th Mamba Improv, Pittsburgh. That's 24th, 25th. That's all in July. Go to fitzdog.com for all the info that you need.

[Mike Dawson]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson's got the news. Yeah. Right after this, we either have to put it on a piece of paper or you got to put on the screen.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Commercial Announcer]

Shut up. Titanic.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm the king of the world.

[Commercial Announcer]

And so much more. For Showtime's press, nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Advertisement Voice]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Mike Dawson]

It's time to check Adam's voicemail.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam, how do I get my wife to let me fly my I love titties flag in front of the house.

[Mike Dawson]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.

[Adam Carolla]

And listen, I'll tell you what you do. You use that as a false flag operation, okay? You go, I want to fly my I love Titty's flag in front of the house woman. And she goes, well, you definitely can't

[Mike Dawson]

do that, not in my house.

[Adam Carolla]

And then you go, all right, I'm really disappointed. Then later on, you go, let's go out. I'm in the mood for Italian food. And she goes, I want sushi. And you go, oh, so I don't get the flag. And I don't get the. And she goes, okay, okay, let's do the meatballs. That'll.

[Mike Dawson]

That'll do it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's called a false flag operation, right? You threaten something you never were planning on doing and then use that disappointment. There's another way you could do it.

[Mike Dawson]

You could lead with the Confederate flag. Hey, honey. Marge, I want to fly the Confederate flag, right? Absolutely not. And then really put your foot down. And then say, okay, I'll tell you what.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll meet you in the middle.

[Mike Dawson]

We'll do I love titties instead.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what do you got, awesome, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

Well, there's a gentleman named Brian Johnson who apparently is trying to live forever by biohacking. He reportedly spends $2 million a year on his health claims. That is, it has helped him eliminate microplastics from his testicles and have night nighttime erections that rival the teenagers. Well, he revealed on social media he's been diagnosed with an incurable disease in which his stomach is eating itself. Now, the obvious question I had was, is this because of biohacking? Apparently not. He didn't take very good care of himself until he decided to. He's 48 years old, and I guess in the first 40 years of his life, he ate nothing but fast food and didn't take really good care of himself. But this is one of those diseases that you would think if you spend 200 million, $2 million a year on doctors and there are symptoms, they should have found this before now, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I guess. I mean, look, everyone wants a reason why everything, but they're just people that don't get this, and then there are people that do get that, and a lot of it is just flat out genetic.

[Mike Dawson]

It's just a hand you're dealt.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a hand you're dealt. Man, where are your. Where are your calves? So skinny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

That's just. Why. Look at that guy's got great calves that just. And people always do it. They'll go, oh. The reason I got these calves, because I played tennis in high school. So you're 52 right now. Now, that's just your shape. That's fine. Well, there's other things. Eyesight. It's all like, male pattern baldness. You know, like, they're just. They're dudes. Their hair ball. Bryan's hair started thinning when he was 18.

[Mike Dawson]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

My. My dad died at 91. Full head of hair. It's not. Not because he ate better.

[Mike Dawson]

He wasn't biohacking his way to.

[Adam Carolla]

It just. It's just fucking. He was.

[Mike Dawson]

He did, though. I remember he had very minimal microplastics in his testicles.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, everyone, there's stuff you can do that's gonna help you, and there's stuff you can do that's gonna hurt you. But let me tell you something. If you were to ask me, what would you wish for for your unborn self, like, you're gonna be reborn into this world as a man or woman? Would you like X, Y, or Z? I'd go, I want good genetics.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, sure. Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Good genetics will fucking solve every problem. Yeah, you'll. You'll be taller, you have a full head of hair, your eyesight, whatever. All the things everyone else is allergic to, you're not allergic to.

[Mike Dawson]

Like, good.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone likes to chalk everything up to, you know what? I ate red meat. After I ate the red meat made me tired, or whatever it is. It's all just genetics and. And. Or in your head.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, apparently, this. This disease that this gentleman named Brian Johnson. Brian with a Y, by the way, unnecessary. It cannot be cured, but it can be managed. And so he's managing it, but it seems that his dream of living forever.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, everyone who just went poof, eat shitty is quietly cheering that stomach issue this guy's having.

[Mike Dawson]

I eat Spam once a week at least.

[Commercial Announcer]

Do you?

[Mike Dawson]

I love Spam.

[Adam Carolla]

How do you do it?

[Mike Dawson]

Just slice it up and fry it in a pan with butter. Serve it on toast or an English muffin. Make a sandwich out of it.

[Adam Carolla]

I could sometimes you do the over

[Mike Dawson]

medium egg with some American cheese on that.

[Adam Carolla]

American cheese.

[Mike Dawson]

Always American for me. On. On egg sandwiches.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, well, yeah.

[Advertisement Voice]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're not. You're saying on a sandwich with Spam.

[Mike Dawson]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Not just no bun.

[Mike Dawson]

Correct.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Mike Dawson]

Correct. If there's not a sandwich involved, change

[Adam Carolla]

up the cheese for me. Aha. That makes more sense for some reason, but. Well, because you got the McMuffin vibe. Now, here's the deal. I'm not a Spam guy, but I could see Spam cubed up little smaller pieces in scrambled eggs.

[Mike Dawson]

So good. I eat it all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, it is.

[Mike Dawson]

It is really, really good. It's the easiest thing in the world, too. You just cube up the Spam, throw it in the. In the pan with butter, and just crack the eggs right in there. Don't even scramble them first. Just. Just pan scramble them, you know, eats the most Spam.

[Adam Carolla]

Who? Hawaiians. Oh, yeah, because they're the smartest. They are the smartest group in America. Like, you ever hear Mazie Hirono speak Super genius, I'm like, bitch, you're dumb. By Hawaiian standards, that is true, but it's also ironic that Hawaii picked the dumbest senator on the planet. But it's consistent. Anyway, the greatest consumers of Spam are also the brightest people.

[Mike Dawson]

Nation's famous Hawaiian thinkers are leading all.

[Adam Carolla]

You got to think about all the great innovations, all the great poets, all the. The rocket, the cell phone, all out

[Mike Dawson]

of Hawaii, as we know from all the great automobiles manufactured in Hawaii from the Aloha movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Aloha, Bobby and Rose.

[Mike Dawson]

They have a word that means hello and goodbye.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at them.

[Mike Dawson]

They covered it.

[Adam Carolla]

We got.

[Mike Dawson]

We're so much time.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm trying to leave the house with two words, and they got one slickly packaged word. And by the way, there could never be confusion when a word means two totally opposite things, like on and off. They probably just have one word, you

[Mike Dawson]

know, is your landing gear, and have push and pull.

[Adam Carolla]

They have proof. Is your landing gear up or down in Hawaii? We don't know. We don't know. Smart. Super smart. Smartest.

[Mike Dawson]

Mahalo to that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mahalo to that.

[Mike Dawson]

I want to read you the headline of this. First of all, White House says National Museum of American History found room for drag queens and crotch harnesses, but not the founding fathers. Well, in truth, the National Museum of American History found room for drag queens and crotch harnesses, but not the founding fathers.

[Adam Carolla]

Hold on. I'm glad you brought this up, because when Andrew was looking for pocketrockets the other day, actually, this show earlier today, and you were looking for pocketrocket, and you were saying it's a, you know, euphemism for motorcycle, a fast motorcycle. And I kept thinking, something's wrong. Those are called crotch rockets. Miniature motorcycle.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, that's a crotch rocket.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. So pocket rocket is a mini. It's not a mini bike. It's a mini Bike. Those little itty bitty ones. Crotch rocket.

[Mike Dawson]

Like a mini Ducati.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So people would call a Ducati or a ninja. Kawasaki Ninja. A crotch rocket, but a pocket rocket is not. I mean, you're saying motorcycle. It's a mini. You need to put the word mini in there. That was what drove me.

[Mike Dawson]

You need some Kevin Smith level cargo pants though, to put that in your pocket.

[Adam Carolla]

You're talking chance, bro.

[Mike Dawson]

Chance bro. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Mini. That's. I need the word mini in there. That would have saved me. Pocket rocket.

[Mike Dawson]

All right, well, this news is coming as a part of 162 page review of the Smithsonian Institute concluding the National Museum of American History has abandoned its mission of preserving America's shared history in favor of promoting things like, we have pictures of everything. But Visitors will reportedly find no majors exhibits. No major exhibits dedicated to the founding Fathers, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Constitution, Continental Congress, Pilgrims, Puritans, American Revolution. Benjamin Franklin is presented primarily through his connection to slavery. Exhibits include a transgender chest binder, a crotch harness described as an act of LGBTQ resistance, drag related displays, and the diary of a gender confused girl who wrote that she prayed for a penis.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All right, so what do they care about? They don't care about this. They care about agitating. They just want to argue. They want to engage and they want to argue. That's what most of what you're seeing is just people that hate their dads wanting to engage and argue. They need. There's a lot of people, mostly women, handful of gays. They don't really know they're alive unless they're battling with somebody.

[Mike Dawson]

A handful.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know women that are just. It's just a constant battle with everyone else. Fuck her. She's not coming to the party. Uh, she said it's like, that's a cannot. It's a chick thing. Okay.

[Mike Dawson]

It's a certain breed of people who can't be happy unless other people are unhappy.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not necessarily that because it's not like, oh man, all the, all the ethnic cleansing in Darfur really helps me sleep at night. It's not that. It's. I need to battle. I need to be in a constant state of agitation. And it could be ice, it could be this Smithsonian. And here's how they're like kids who just want to fucking battle. You know, it's sort of like when I was like 13, we had Mr. Walters at Walter Reed Junior High and he was a hard ass, like kind of, you know, back, you know, you knew a Guy buys haircut in the 70s. It's 1979 and he's got a crew cut.

[Mike Dawson]

He's got a high end time.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got a fucking flat top right in 1979.

[Mike Dawson]

And that was a statement.

[Adam Carolla]

You knew how that dude rolled. Mr. Walters rolled with a fish flat top, you know.

[Mike Dawson]

Was he covertly gay?

[Adam Carolla]

I never got that far into it because I didn't want to get. I was already. I already been busted down to the donkey squad. I didn't want to be paddled, you know, so he yelled at me once because I was wearing jeans instead. I. For me, the PE uniform was. Was a bridge too far for me. We didn't have a dryer at my house. We only had a washing machine. And my mom was pretty much locked in a room the whole time yelling, freak out, freak out. So cleaning stuff and washing and putting them in the dryer, and I was retarded. I didn't know how to do anything. And the PE outfit, the reversible shirt, gold inside, green on the outside. And the shorts with the little hot dog where you put your name on the shorts, that may have been 11, $12 combined. That was good money for the Corollas back then. So I was always borrowing other people's shit so I wouldn't get into trouble. Like, I would literally go. I'd be in the locker room and like some guy had opened his locker. Everyone had a locker partner. And I was like, hey, Bob.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's your locker partner? George Espinoza. Oh, where's he? He's not here. Huh?

[Mike Dawson]

Let me get.

[Adam Carolla]

Use those trunks. Yeah, like, add his shirt. I've got the shirts that espinosa on it.

[Mike Dawson]

Now, was this because yours were dirty and you didn't want to wear dirty ones, or they were still wet with sweat and it was the most uncomfortable thing putting them on the next day.

[Adam Carolla]

I couldn't. If I bought a shirt and trunks for PE within two weeks, they were lost or stolen or at the bottom of someone else's locker, mildewing. I couldn't do things like take it back, wash it, and bring it in on Monday. Like, I couldn't do normal things and my family sure as fuck couldn't do normal things. So thus I couldn't do normal things because I was 13 and I'm like, I don't have any money. I don't know what to do. I don't have a backpack. I don't know what to do with this shit. So I went out there one day and I was just in my jeans and my shirt, my Walter Reed PE shirt. And Mr. Walters yelled at me. He said, carolla, where are your trunks? I'm like, I don't know, they're in the locker or something. He goes, go back in there and put your trunks on. And because I was me, I went back into the locker room, I took the trunks, I pulled them over my jeans and I came back out again. And then Mr. Walters yelled at me and told me to go to the donkey squad.

[Mike Dawson]

Go to the donkey squad.

[Adam Carolla]

Now. I knew what I was doing. I was agitating Mr. Walters.

[Mike Dawson]

Yes. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

He yelled at me to get trunks. And I was going to tell him to fuck off.

[Mike Dawson]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't trying to accomplish anything other than fuck you. And these people don't give a fuck about drag queens or drag queen story hour or chest titty titty expanders or they're just doing that. All they're doing is fuck you. What would piss you off the most?

[Mike Dawson]

Drag queens, they just wanna be a civil front, right?

[Adam Carolla]

They don't know they're doing it. They're just doing it. Cuz they can't control themselves. And we got tons of women in positions of power and it's all emotion. And they're all just a fucking running gunfight with every other person in society. Because everyone has become their daddy and Trump has become their dad and all authority has become their dad and they hate their dad. So they're going to just fuck you. So they don't have an agenda other than fuck you. Here's what their agenda is. What do you want? I want this. I want the opposite of that. And that's why it's that way across the board with everything. All it is, is I want the opposite of whatever a normal person would want.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, does this sound like someone who's a battle to you? Museum director Anthea Hartig.

[Adam Carolla]

A chick.

[Mike Dawson]

A chick what? Previously she said she wants to use the museum to, quote, advance social justice and quote, reframe the traditional celebratory narrative of US History. Yeah, yeah, but then the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian responded and said that it remains committed to nonpartisan and independent scholarship.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also, when chicks get a job, they look at it as their job to convert the whole place. Home title lock. If you watch the news, you know, it's getting crazy out there. And for American homeowners, the FBI has been warning about a type of real estate fraud called title theft. And your equity, well, that's the target. With just a Ford signature, your ownership can be transferred out of your name and without protection in place, well, you'll be left emotionally and financially destroyed. It is a nightmare. And that's why I partnered with Home Title Lock. I want to protect my home. And that's really why I use Home Title Lock. You're going to need it as well. It's sad, but it's true. That's the era we're living in. You need Home Title Lock, right, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

Use promo code Adamometit.com to get a free title history report. Plus a free trial of their million dollar triple lock protection. That's 247 monitoring urgent alerts. And if you're a victim of fraud, they'll spend up to $1 million to fix it. Don't be a victim. Protect your Equity today. That's hometitlelock.com promo code Adam or use

[Adam Carolla]

the link below Morgan and Morgan. Well, I've known people got hurt in an accident and they tried to tough it out. No lawyer, no help, just hoping the bills and the pain would magically sort themselves out. Spoiler alert, they don't. And that's where Morgan and Morgan comes in. Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They've recovered more than 30 billion for over 500,000 clients. That's a serious track record. If you're injured and well, because someone else was negligent, you deserve to be paid. Don't try to white knuckle it alone. Reach out to Morgan and Morgan and let the pros at Morgan and Morgan fight for you. Am I right, Dawson?

[Mike Dawson]

If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. Yes, that's right. Their fee is free unless they win. To learn more go to forthepeople.com adam or click the link in the description below. To learn more, go to F o r the people.com Adam or click the link in the description below. This is a paid advertisement.

[Adam Carolla]

Like if Chick shows up at work and she's a vegan, she ain't gonna just shut up and eat her tofu, right?

[Mike Dawson]

They come in a lot of bit. I've worked at a lot of places like this. Can't think of a concrete example. But some people come in and the rules are changing because we have to accommodate someone who hasn't been here five minutes.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, and they will also try to convert. Right now, Chuck over here doesn't eat meat and neither does Andrew. And they sit quietly in the dark with their heads down, silently eating their Tofurky bullshit roll.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, I'm eating chicken.

[Adam Carolla]

I Put a pig in the ground right in their office.

[Mike Dawson]

Have you ever had a pig in the ground?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I dug a hole in their office. I put a pig in the ground. Put a pig in the ground right in the office. I got on the rotisserie. They don't say a cat damn word. You know, your ass, the fridge.

[Mike Dawson]

Hawaiians.

[Adam Carolla]

Hawaiians. Yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

That is one. One of the great things that it's the pigs wrapped in.

[Adam Carolla]

I told you those people were geniuses.

[Mike Dawson]

Stuck in the ground, covered in.

[Adam Carolla]

Dug a hole and put a pig in it. You can't do that if you're of average intelligence or lower.

[Mike Dawson]

You know, you add this reminded me of something too. You had the donkey squad. When I was in high school, I went to Catholic high school.

[Adam Carolla]

I was in junior high with the donkey squad. But yes, we had a.

[Mike Dawson]

One of our teachers was named Brother Cecil. And Brother Cecil was like Little Richard. And if you got in trouble in his class in a. He wasn't doing a Little Richard performance or impression, but he would send you to hell.

[Adam Carolla]

Go to hell.

[Commercial Announcer]

Really?

[Mike Dawson]

And then you had to go to another part of the classroom that was represented.

[Adam Carolla]

That was hell. Oh, interesting. So it was.

[Mike Dawson]

He only did that way so he could scream at you to go to hell.

[Adam Carolla]

I like the cut of this guy's ship.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You remember Cecil and Beanie?

[Mike Dawson]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, and all the old cartoons of the day and some stick in your brain and some don't. Cecil and Beanie were like two popular. But you're looking at the cartoon version. There was a live action one, I think, where Cecil the sea lion or the sea monster and Beanie boy was some blonde haired kid with a wind up Beanie on. And I think there was a. There's like a. There it is. They made Cecil the sea monster. Was it sea monster or sea lion? I can't remember what it. I mean, it wouldn't be a sea lion. Cecil and Beanie were like really popular in the 50s and the 60s and then I guess became. Is it. What'd they call it? Oh, you know what? Give me the theme song. I need the theme song to Cecil and Beanie. Yeah, the donkey squad would go. Mr. Walters was always great stuff. You could never do.

[Commercial Announcer]

Cecil.

[Adam Carolla]

Cecil and Bean. He would hold up for a second. Mr. Walters would go. He'd go, go in the donkey squad Corolla. He'd give you minus points. That was his thing. It was always good. He'd go. He'd go, you get 4 off for those shorts. Corolla. And I'd go, but Mr. Watt. Oh, you want to argue 6 off Corolla. And I'd go, yeah, but you told me to put shorts on and I ate off and back to the corral. Then you get eight minus points and have to go sit in a corral. The corral was not a traditional Old Westy. Just like hell wasn't right. It was four of those weird fiberglass top school benches. Those outdoor school benches. Weird flesh color ones fashioned into a square. It was like 18 by 18ft on blacktop in the middle of the sun. And you just sat there and stared at other losers while other guys played softball.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, that's worse than in a classroom where it was just the teacher. Brother Cecil would just get us away from everyone else so we couldn't disrupt class anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Beanie and Cecil, the original theme song. Here we go. I might sing.

[Advertisement Voice]

It's the Beanie and Cecil show.

[Adam Carolla]

For me and Cecil. Design is done and puffed and huff and huff. It's time for adventure, some fun. Oh, joy. Boy, boy, boy, boy.

[Mike Dawson]

A lot of sneeze humor there.

[Adam Carolla]

Sneeze humor. Yeah, that doubled. You gotta be with Beanie. And wet ceaseless. Imagine finding going back to like 1961 and going. All right, here's where we're at now. We're going to put these drag queen outfits in the Smithsonian. And then we're going to take dildos and beat ice officers with it. Sound like a future you'd like to live in? Here's a pistol if you'd like to take yourself out right now. Thank you. Thank you. Please tell my kids I love them. Oh, wait, I gotta kill them, too, because they're gonna experience this shit.

[Mike Dawson]

Didn't you say earlier they called it the Dildo Blitz?

[Adam Carolla]

Mm.

[Mike Dawson]

That's like straight World War II Nazi taken song.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought it was a sweet song. Come on, Dawson. Chuck. Come on now. Ready, boys? Come on. You got that one? Dildo blade.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Come on, Chuck. See something?

[Mike Dawson]

This one takes batteries.

[Adam Carolla]

This double ended. This one's extended. It moves like lightning.

[Commercial Announcer]

It moves. So Friday.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mike Dawson]

Oh, and the girl in the back,

[Adam Carolla]

We've never seen her since. Come on, Chuck. Sweet. Come on, man.

[Mike Dawson]

Come on. The sweet.

[Adam Carolla]

See this little beanie? Come on, man. All right.

[Mike Dawson]

Sorry. All right. There's a Chinese restaurant in the Bay Area have gone viral recently for charging parents as much as $327 for failing to control their rowdy children at his Chinese eatery.

[Commercial Announcer]

Good.

[Mike Dawson]

The restaurant called Shea Zoo. You. You Zhu, who operates two restaurants south of San Francisco says he slapped financial penalties on parents of spirited tots who smashed credit card readers, carved designs into tables using utensils, broke teacups at his restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, listen, kids, look, if parents are done parenting, then cops and restaurant owners are gonna have to parent.

[Mike Dawson]

That's what he said.

[Adam Carolla]

And you guys are dead.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah. He says parenting has become so relaxed. And I know if I acted some of the way these children are acting, I would have gotten my ass beat. My staff, my servers are being forced to parent children. That's not their job.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, there is a crazy clip. I grew up completely paranoid of cops, as everyone was. You would literally, if you were sitting at a red light and a cop pulled up next to you, even if your windows were up, you would turn your stereo down. Yeah, yeah, you just didn't want a chance that he might hear your music and use that as some excuse to pull you over.

[Mike Dawson]

I always put my hands at 10 and 2.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're just scared shitless of cops. Yeah, Pure and simple. And when I see videos of folks fighting with fucking cops. And by the way, it was a video I liked. I think we were talking about it. Maybe we were, maybe we weren't. There's a video, you can look for it. These are guys fighting with cops. But no, this one was girl. It was a female cop. They beat the shit out of a female cop.

[Mike Dawson]

By the way, that was in Manhattan or Newport.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, everybody, women can't be cops on the street because people are putting their hands on them and they're getting their ass kicked by 13 year old dudes because they're chicks, number one. Number two. Oh, it's a tweet I like because cops listen to me. Cops have guns on their hips. You guys are beating the shit out of them. I don't care if a cop pulls his gun out and puts a fucking round in your chest. You're fucking beating on someone with a gun and you can easily take away their gun, right?

[Mike Dawson]

Well, it is. It is being held in a holster by one of the pins on my snapshot.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Yeah, right, right. So somebody start shooting these fucking kids and then let the word get around that you might get shot. And by the way, it's one thing if you're talking back or you don't want to get out of the car once you got the cop in a headlock, Let him fucking shoot him. Shoot him. Yeah, the cops are so scared for their jobs. Yeah, I think this was the beach battle. But it was a blonde.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, blonde officer, female. It was not Looking good for her.

[Adam Carolla]

She was getting the shit kicked out of her. But the part that I always found interesting is there's some little skinny, mini Miller type, little skinny black chick. And she's got what looks like a bat or stick or something. And she keeps coming around and in front of the cops, she's bat. She's beating on with it. And the cop one point pushes her and like knocks her over. And she comes back, like, no fear of reprisal. Yeah, it's going to start in a second. But the female cop is not. The cop's getting pummeled.

[Mike Dawson]

This is a newborn. This isn't what I thought it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, this is it. They're punching her in the face. Now there's a gym hitting her with the stick. Who, by the way. And then somebody pushes her down, but she gets back up with the stick. And she's come back. She's come back with the stick. We just have to start shooting some of these people and somebody start parenting. We're lucky that didn't happen. I'm super lucky that didn't happen. That chick still got her stick and she's still getting into the fray. She has no problems holding a weapon, basically. And she's been shoved away four times now. Yeah, now, I was trying, you know,

[Mike Dawson]

the police mean business. When that siren comes in, by the

[Adam Carolla]

way, I was trying to figure out what that thing was. Let me see her again. I think I figured out it looked

[Mike Dawson]

like a large windshield wiper blade.

[Adam Carolla]

No, not that. But it wasn't a bat and it wasn't a log. No, and it wasn't a pipe.

[Mike Dawson]

There was a nerf.

[Adam Carolla]

Nerfy helmet to it.

[Mike Dawson]

I think it was bendable.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I tell you, we gotta freeze it. When I show it for a second. I think I've now identified what that thing is. It's gonna be tough now. She gets knocked down by the cop and then she gets pulled. She gets back up and gets into the fray. All right, I'm gonna take a very good guess by the size. By the way, it's a weird size. If you go back to her, pulling it back right before she hits the guy. By the way, does anyone have any black folk? Will you raise your fucking kids? Please raise your kids. You're gonna get them killed. And by the way. Stop it there. That the talk, you know, when Sunny Haasin has to have the talk because her kids are black and they live in a white neighborhood.

[Mike Dawson]

And by the way, how about you give your slaves. How about you go on?

[Adam Carolla]

How about Giving your kids a talk about not beating on cops.

[Mike Dawson]

That'd be a good talk.

[Adam Carolla]

This thing sort of metallic. Keep playing it. Sorry, I can't really tell this out. All right. You ready for what this thing is?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What is it?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm pretty fucking sure. Although it may not be, but I'm going with it. When you buy. When you buy one of those U haul boxes and it's got the clothes container in. Has that metal thing that goes across

[Mike Dawson]

a moving box for hanging coats.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, It's. It's about 22 inches.

[Mike Dawson]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It's got a weird kind of flat ed on both sides. It's about three quarters of an inch around. Made of just light wall tubing.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's what that thing looks like. I don't know what else you could do. What other else thing that would be. By the way, somebody needs to arrest her ass and send her to fucking juvie because she's just walking around beating on cops with a metallic title.

[Mike Dawson]

She could be on the 400 meter re relay team.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a baton.

[Mike Dawson]

And that's a baton.

[Adam Carolla]

You're right. That's right. Huh? Jesus Christ, people. Jesus Christ. Will you raise your kids, please? You're getting them killed. Idiots.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, this wonderful restaurant owner charged one group of parents $327 because their kid threw a credit card reader on the ground. Another parent was charged $110 after their youngster carved a table with a utensil.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice and even.

[Mike Dawson]

Charged one parent $5 and 37 cents for a shattered teacup. The restaurant owner does say that he's not punishing people for honest mistakes. It's just the ones that are letting you know their kids run amok in a restaurant instead of parenting them.

[Adam Carolla]

They're muck running.

[Mike Dawson]

They're muck running.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep. All right, what else you got?

[Mike Dawson]

Here's a wonderful, wonderful. Christopher Nolan is taking a shitload of heat right now. I'm not sure how much of it is warranted.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, I get it.

[Mike Dawson]

Everyone is really pissed that Lupita Nyong' o was cast as Helen of Troy, who in the book is described as having white arms. And Elliot Page is a great war hero in this. This is fiction. This is Homer's the Odyssey. Yes, it's been passed down from, you know, sure, it's. But people saying that it's not historically accurate. It's a story and it's Nolan shot in imax. People are saying that this is going to be a box office bust. Bullshit. I think it's going to do just fine. But it is. Well, some of the casting, yes. Is very interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're talking about the latest. But I didn't talk about how people are pissed in Dunkirk where that. That English plane landed. Spitfire plane landed. And then it caught on fire. And then you could tell there was no Merlin V12 in there, that the prop was just on a stick. That was some.

[Mike Dawson]

That was some.

[Adam Carolla]

That was. But people went.

[Mike Dawson]

And people still bought tickets.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but if I had known in advance.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, you know who's in the cockpit when it blew up was Lupita Nongo.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah. One of the greatest World War II aces of all time. Of the greatest English flyer, Black Baron. Nobody flew. Nobody flew a P50, a Mustang or Spitfire like her.

[Mike Dawson]

Yep. So anyway, this movie is.

[Adam Carolla]

Look at that, Dawson. Just a stick.

[Mike Dawson]

Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

No. V12.

[Mike Dawson]

My Lord.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, sorry.

[Mike Dawson]

Well, the movie comes out. I believe it comes out here. Yeah. July 17th. Friday, July 17th.

[Adam Carolla]

Any sneak previews? How's it doing on Rotten Tomatoes? Any of that stuff?

[Mike Dawson]

That's a good question.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, listen, I. I don't. I don't want to be a fly in your ointment, Dawson. And I agree with you. Do whatever you want. But I did hear somebody on YouTube and they were talking about it and they were kind of saying, no, I know it's a fictional story, but it was also a story that took place in a certain time, and that's what people looked like in these places and in these times.

[Mike Dawson]

Understand?

[Adam Carolla]

And so in a way, when you're trying to turn this person into that person, even if it's a fictional story, it still represents a period of time and a place. And that's why that's the argument for going. And I'm not just a wide open thing.

[Mike Dawson]

I totally understand that argument. Maybe the blame on this should be placed in the Motion Picture Academy.

[Adam Carolla]

Who has decided, forcing this upon the

[Mike Dawson]

Best Picture nomination has to have minority stars.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, when it.

[Mike Dawson]

And that's. I mean, that's. That's obviously why he did it. I mean, I guess casting. Elliot Page worked with, like, what are they doing?

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but are you going to. To the Academy? Like, listen, we got the black chick good. Elliot Page, how many points is that good for? I mean, white, sure, but dong cut off. I mean, dong added.

[Mike Dawson]

I mean, it's a white dude now. You're not getting any points.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but slow down, slow down. You know what I'm saying?

[Mike Dawson]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Reject the Smithsonian. Come on, now.

[Mike Dawson]

White dudes are the best female swimmers in the world. And we know this.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Rave reviews across the board. So says Andrew, and that's what I believe.

[Mike Dawson]

It's a Nolan movie. No one's gonna go see it, especially since it was shot in imax. Gonna go see it in imax?

[Advertisement Voice]

Yeah. That's gold derby right there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So that's like.

[Adam Carolla]

No one knows your geek sites, bro.

[Mike Dawson]

That's gay. That's gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I heard Gay derby. Yeah, that's poly market for the Oscars.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's already now the favorite to win best picture.

[Adam Carolla]

Garage with tools in it, bro. Sit around all day jacking off on a computer. All right, so that's already the favorite to win everything.

[Advertisement Voice]

Best picture, Best Director.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. All right, so it's going to be good. That'll be good. And also, all the first screenings are already sold out.

[Mike Dawson]

Yeah, Andrew and I were talking about this. This is manufactured rage. For what reason? I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's the world we're living in.

[Mike Dawson]

It's a new culture war. Yeah, I get it. I can see points on either side.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Mike Dawson]

It's a Christopher Main movie. It's gotta be fucking.

[Adam Carolla]

This should fall in the heading of who cares? All right, tonight, Las Vegas over at Kimmel's Club, two shows. Then tomorrow two shows and Saturday two shows. Yeah, a lot of shows is you come by, say hi, Austin, Cap city. That'll be 17. Two shows. And then. Oh, did you know that Friday the 17th and Saturday the 17th were two shows? Maybe a typo there. All right. Can't get around these things. I just. I find it amusing. So go to mcroll.com for all the live stuff. Fitzdog.com is where you go to find his stuff.

[Mike Dawson]

Dawson, you can catch me Monday through Friday, 3 to 7pm on 95.7 FM the ride in North Carolina.

[Adam Carolla]

So until next time, I'm Kroll for awesome. Dawson and Fitz Dog saying Mahala.

[Mike Dawson]

You can leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744 and get tickets to see the Ace man at AdamCorola.com.

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[Mike Dawson]

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[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Commercial Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Mike Dawson]

Welcome to the real world.

[Commercial Announcer]

Mean girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Commercial Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

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