Bill Simmons + Michael Des Barres (Carolla Classics)

Summary

The Adam Carolla Show: Bill Simmons + Michael Des Barres (Carolla Classics)

Date: July 25, 2026
Episode Format: Carolla Classics (compilation)
Guests: Bill Simmons, Michael Des Barres, David Wild, Allison Rosen, Gina Grad, Bald Bryan
Host(s): Adam Carolla
Episode Theme: Candid, comedic, and often irreverent conversations about pop culture, movies, sports, and music, spotlighting classic moments with Bill Simmons and Michael Des Barres.

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of Carolla Classics revisits some of the most memorable and entertaining segments from the Adam Carolla Show, featuring sports columnist and media mogul Bill Simmons and rockstar/actor Michael Des Barres. Adam and his rotating panel dive into Oscars predictions, the nature of acting, fake movie pitches, sports banter, music industry war stories, and more. True to Carolla form, the conversations are extended, riff-heavy, and unfiltered, with frequent comedic tangents and social commentary.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Oscars, Movie Awards, and Industry Cynicism

Timestamps: 01:36–13:12

• Oscars Betting & Critique: Adam and the group unpack the unpredictable nature of Oscar odds, especially for Best Supporting Actor. Carolla is befuddled by the lack of odds for Christoph Waltz, criticizing the tendency to reward safe, politically expedient performances (e.g., Lincoln's Tommy Lee Jones) over dynamic acting.
  • Quote: "Alan Arkin is wildly overrated ... If I was Alan Arkin, I’d sleep with [my Oscar] clutched in my hand for what I got for Little Miss Sunshine." (03:00, Adam Carolla)
• Award Show Production: Discussion on how producers target camera cutaways for diversity, humorously skewering the performative nature of televised awards.
  • Quote: "There is the Mount Rushmore of Bitter." (04:24, Adam Carolla)
• Women in Comedy: Adam addresses a recurring controversy about his opinions on female comedians, clarifying his stance with biting sarcasm.
  • Quote: "Not only did I not say chicks weren’t funny, I said Tina Fey was funny. You’re kind of making my point, number one." (13:13, Adam Carolla)

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2. Movie Recaps and Reviews

Timestamps: 13:07–25:16

• Lincoln vs. Django: The consensus is that Django Unchained is entertaining and bold, while Lincoln is “safe” and “paint-by-numbers.”
  • Quote: "If you love The King's Speech, you’ll love Lincoln. It’s safe. Kind of toothless, but it’s a good movie." (12:51, Bill Simmons)
• Realism in Comedy: Analysis of Judd Apatow's This Is 40 and its mixed reception, exploring class resentment and expectations around romantic comedies.
  • Quote: “Don't let the BMW 7 Series and the nice house and the good looking blue-eyed wife fool you—we’re just as miserable as everyone else.” (20:17, Adam Carolla)
• Reverse Classism & Relationships: Carolla rails against the notion that wealth immunizes people from relationship strife.

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3. Music Segments & Recommendations

Timestamps: 25:22–31:12

• Song Recommendations: David Wild brings “Love is a Country” by The Wallflowers, encouraging the “Carolla community” to support it.
• 1970s Nostalgia: Classic tracks (e.g., “Go All the Way” by The Raspberries) prompt reminiscence about how pop songwriting (and attitudes about sex) have evolved in mainstream music.

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4. Fake Movie Pitches

Timestamps: 38:55–56:00

• NFL Time-Travel Satire: Bill Simmons and Carolla riff on the idea of a movie where Bill Belichick goes back in time to assassinate Archie Manning to erase the Manning brothers, only to fall in love and father them himself ("Quarterback to the Future").
  • Quote: "Brady goes back, ends up fathering the Mannings." (40:55, Bill Simmons)
• “Pedophile Island”: In their comedic tradition, the group pitches an absurd, edgy action movie about pedophiles being marooned on a lawless island, riffing on casting choices and genre tropes.
  • Quote: “It’s a little piece of Escape from New York.” (45:08, Bill Simmons)
  • The pitch evolves into a mashup of Escape from New York, Lord of the Flies, and action-thriller clichés.

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5. Hollywood and the Nature of Acting

Timestamps: 86:00–90:02

• Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes Speech: Group reaction to Foster's oblique "coming out," Hollywood self-importance, and the ease vs. difficulty of acting.
  • Quote: "Is there a better, easier job than acting?" (89:13, Bill Simmons)
• Celebrity Gossip & Generational Shifts: Reflections on celebrity crushes, infamous moments like Mel Gibson’s outbursts, and how public perception inevitably softens over time.

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6. Career Origins & Podcasting/Content Creation

Timestamps: 70:32–76:00

• Bill Simmons’ Early Days: Bill shares his path from independent sports blogger to ESPN hire, highlighting the importance of product quality, consistency, and being ahead of the curve.
  • Quote: "Make a really good product, make it really consistent, and try to do it before other people do a similar idea." (73:19, Bill Simmons)
• Podcasting Nostalgia: Trading stories about early experiments with long-form podcasting before it became mainstream.

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7. On the Road: Touring, Phones, & Modern Life Annoyances

Timestamps: 103:02–132:07

• Travel Disasters: Adam recounts his phone being destroyed on tour, the frustrations of not having a cell in 2015, and the absurdities of travel logistics and airport security (“box cutter” running gag).
• Human Decency: Carolla calls out the value of grace and understanding when people make honest mistakes, as opposed to laziness or incompetence.

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8. Michael Des Barres: Rock & Roll Survival and Celebrity War Stories

Timestamps: 151:17–164:36

• Surviving Rock Stardom: Michael Des Barres discusses taking over for Robert Palmer in Power Station, sharing the stage at Live Aid, and being married to groupie legend Pamela Des Barres.
  • Quote: "I mean, in a way, fatigue is a drug to me because it gets rid of the adrenaline that fucks you up." (155:02, Michael Des Barres)
• Decadence of the '70s: Humorous musings about the “pre-AIDS, mid-coke” heyday of rock and what’s lost in today’s sanitized music industry.

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9. Music Plagiarism Lawsuits & Industry Practices

Timestamps: 165:42–170:09

• Case Study: Marvin Gaye's estate’s $7M victory over Robin Thicke and Pharrell for “Blurred Lines,” leading to discussion on originality, homage, and the blurred (pun intended) lines between influence and theft.
  • Quote: "Chuck Berry rips off himself every time he writes a song. That's the Christmas song, sounds the same as, you know..." (166:54, Michael Des Barres)
• Creativity and Evolution: Both Adam and Michael argue that all art borrows—few ideas are truly original—and that lawsuits aren’t always the answer.

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10. Sex, Society, and Absurd New Rules

Timestamps: 173:39–186:14

• British Researchers' Study on Penis Size: A comic (yet earnest) review of average penis metrics and how men use clichés to compensate for insecurity.
  • Quote: "Any guy who says, 'It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion...'—all right, small." (176:38, Adam Carolla)
• Societal Overregulation Rant: Adam’s signature rant about the increasing rules, enforcement by civilians (e.g., reporting idling cars for cash), and the “just a little more regulation” creep in American life.

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11. Symbolic Gestures vs. Real Change

Timestamps: 188:37–191:41

• Putting Women on the $20: Satirical skepticism about putting a woman on the $20 bill as "progress," questioning the practical implications versus just symbolic satisfaction.
• American Flag Controversy: Railing against movements to remove the flag from campuses out of inclusivity, defending American exceptionalism.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Class and Success:
  – “Money doesn't make a whole lot... it doesn't work a whole lot into that equation. Your personal relationships with your parents... even in a weird way, it gets worse. You throw a little money at the problem.” (21:01, Adam Carolla)
• On Artistic Consistency:
  – “There’s 1,000 burger joints. In-N-Out just happens to make a slightly better one and people know it, and they come back for more.” (73:19, Adam Carolla)
• On Hope & American Character:
  – “This country is not built on hope of anything. We’re built on kicking ass. Get the fuck out of bed and go do it.” (187:13, Adam Carolla)

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Structural Highlights & Timestamps

| Segment Theme | Key Participants | Timestamps | |-----------------------------------------|----------------------------------|---------------| | Oscar odds/award shows | Adam, Bill, Panel | 01:36–13:12 | | Movie reviews (Lincoln, Django, Apatow) | Adam, Bill, Allison, Panel | 13:07–25:16 | | Music picks, pop nostalgia | David Wild, Adam, Panel | 25:22–31:12 | | Fake movie pitches | Adam, Bill Simmons, Panel | 38:55–56:00 | | Nature of acting & Golden Globes | Adam, Bill, Allison, Panel | 86:00–90:02 | | Bill Simmons' origins & podcasting | Adam, Bill Simmons | 70:32–76:00 | | Touring disasters/phone saga | Adam, Panel, “Josh” | 103:02–132:07 | | Michael Des Barres segment | Adam, Michael Des Barres, Panel | 151:17–164:36 | | Music lawsuits & creative evolution | Adam, Michael DeBar, Gina, Bill | 165:42–170:09 | | Societal regulation and “new rules” | Adam, Panel | 173:39–186:14 | | Symbolic vs. substantive progress | Adam, Panel | 188:37–191:41 |

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Overall Tone & Style

• Candid, biting sarcasm: Adam and his guests don’t hold back, often riffing on the absurdities of Hollywood, politics, and modern life.
• Nostalgic yet skeptical: Longing for prior eras of pop culture and rock n’ roll, but always quick to point out the problematic elements—usually in a tongue-in-cheek way.
• Comedic irreverence: No topic is off-limits, and banter frequently veers into the absurd (notably in fake movie pitches).

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For New Listeners/Non-Listeners

This is a classic, densely packed episode that showcases what makes The Adam Carolla Show a perennial podcast favorite: unfiltered humor, expert-level riffing, and sharp-edged insights into both pop culture and real life. The interplay between guests and Adam’s ability to turn almost anything into a comedic set piece keeps the energy high—and the topics jumping—from start to finish.

If you want inside-Hollywood stories, bracing opinions on sports and entertainment, or just extended, clever banter, this Carolla Classic delivers.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

[Bill Simmons]

Welcome to Cruel Classics.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm your host, super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fan selecting clips

[Bill Simmons]

from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

If you'd like to access the full

[Bill Simmons]

archives the Adam Corolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

adamcarolla.substack.com and you'd like to request a clip for us to play here on Corolla Classics, please email us classicsamco.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Corolla Show Episode

[Bill Simmons]

992 featuring Bill Simmons along with David Wild, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012 with David Wilde in the first half, Bill Simmons joining

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

about midway and staying the rest of the show.

[Bill Simmons]

They cover some familiar topics between Adam

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

and Bill, this time getting to be fully explicit and have a lot of fun.

[Bill Simmons]

After some periods of time where Bill

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

was not allowed to broadcast without hello

[Pluto TV Announcer]

and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Welcome to the Real World, Mean Girls. Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic, I'm the King of the World. And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That is so fast on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Good day, Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Good day, Bald Bryan. All right, that's Bill Simmons now. Yesterday I was complaining that the beloved Christoph waltz was a 25 to 1 underdog when it came to best supporting Actor.

[Gina Grad]

And.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And when I told Gary out in the hallway, half tarred Gary, I said, well, after the Golden Globes, and I did 10 minutes on why the fuck was Christoph Waltz not only last, but if it was a horse race, it'd be a sort of group of horses coming in first, second, third and fourth. And then the guy way back there without the jockey on it just sort of running sideways. That's where Christoph Waltz was in terms of Vegas and the odds makers. I couldn't understand it. I was fucking befuddled by it. I haven't seen everybody, but I thought Christoph Waltz's performance was so dynamic, I didn't need to see other people's stuff. De Niro, I heard, was just kind of being De Niro. Alan Arkin is wildly overrated. Alan Arkin. I did see his performance. He should take what he got from Little Miss Sunshine, put it in a lead cased mason jar and bury it somewhere and never tell anyone where it is. Because one day I would be scared every morning I would sleep with it clutched in my hand if I was Alan Arkin for what I got for Little Miss Sunshine. Scared that it would somehow be taken away from me when they re tabulated, when they rethey. Something's going to happen. Well, I said to Gary Haftar in the hallway, go ahead and look for those. Go ahead and tell me the new odds. See if there's some new odds on Best supporting Actor. And he said, they've changed dramatically. And I said, shocking, because as you know, I know nothing and thus I know everything. Kristof.

[Bill Simmons]

I agree with half of that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Thank you. Tommy Lee Jones is still in first place at 6 to 5 and Philip Seymour Hoffman is in second place at 6 to 4. And then Christoph Waltz is just 5. I don't know if that's 5 1, 5 1, basically. And then De Niro is 121 and Alan Arkin is now 16 1. So how's it work? Alan Arkin was 101 and Christoph Waltz was 25 1. But then he wins the Golden Globe and things have corrected themselves. I think as we get closer to the Oscars, you'll see this shift a little more. But it just goes to show you, when you see something that looks like an anomaly, like what the fuck is going on here? Well, then something.

[Allison Rosen]

Put money on it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Something is fucking going on. Yes, I put money on it.

[Bill Simmons]

Before the Golden Globes, Philip Seymour Hoffman was very, very good, and I understand that, but Tommy Lee Jones was just kind of. Tommy Lee Jones was good, but he was just. There's nothing spectacular about his performance in Lincoln. It was good, above average.

[Allison Rosen]

But not.

[Bill Simmons]

No country for Old Men.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I loved when they cut away to him in the Golden Globes when Will Ferrell was doing his thing and he just had this fucking look. Like somebody needs to tell. Folks, look, even if you're not amused, you must look amused because the camera will cut away to you. And I don't know what kind of director is going to. There is the Mount Rushmore of Bitter. There's an Easter Island. There's some of the worst skin attached to a head from Easter Island. In the middle of this comedy routine, get a quick shot of.

[Allison Rosen]

We need more pockmarks.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, we need more pockmarks and more smiles turned upside down. And there's Tommy Jones just Like, just stand there going, when is this fucking charade going to end? This is so demeaning to me.

[Adam Carolla]

You hear? He's never been amused. He has that reputation of an unamused individual.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So let's not cut to him, then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because that was hysterical, that bit. I didn't catch all the shows.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, but it was a funny bit. And why they cutting tight to the. I mean, it's more the director's fault than because he's sitting in the booth going, as you know, with all the award shows, you know. Cut, camera three. Camera two, cut two, cut two. That's why, magically, when Halle Berry is doing her speech, Yafet Kotto's in there shedding a tear. They always have a black guy queued up. Like, you know, they do the black guy, black guy thing. When they have a black guy at the Oscars.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Is Kono really there?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He's the only black guy I could think of. Obviously, he's the king of all black men. He is the blackest of all men.

[Adam Carolla]

You knew that Wesley Snipes was in prison, so you went with the eyes are pink.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I would argue that Yaphet Kodo is like two. If there was a Negro crayon box, and God, I hope there is, he would be on the upper row, whereas Wesley Snipes would be below him. Like, he's a 5, 5, 6 crayons down the road, he'd be the top. There would be one called charcoal Briquette, and he would be slightly past that.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Does he just blow off it?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm working on the Grammys now with the director who directed last night, Lou Horowitz. So I will get an answer for you on why he cut. There must be an answer on why they were so. It seemed like they really wanted Tommy Lee Jones.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, they cut to. Obviously, the more notable you are, the better. Right? They'll cut to you. But they'll also, again, if it's a woman up there doing her thing, they'll cut to a woman. If the black guy. They'll do the black guy. Hispanic. Hispanic.

[Allison Rosen]

It's so creative.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's so wildly creative. Yeah, they'll do. I mean, they do the same thing when even on 60 Minutes, if they're gonna go interview a black guy, they'll send the black guy to go interview the black guy. They'll do it in the local news. They'll just kind of do that. It's a weird sort of weird racism. Like, well, he's gonna be more comfortable speaking to someone who looks Something like him. Like, I feel like I hate almost all white people. There's no, like, oh, I'm more, oh, ooh, white person. Now I can really. Oh, man. Can I open up to you now? You know, it's gotta be tell mirrors to the secret.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, secrets to the mirror. That would have been funny if that had come out in another way.

[Adam Carolla]

I still don't think. And I think he was far and away the best performance Christoph Waltz. But I still don't think he's gonna win. I think because that Tommy Lee Jones part, it is so the part itself is politically correct. It's like a sort of, you know, a post racial, you know, early post

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

worship, the Zero Dark Thirty effect, where it's just not politically correct for this film to do as well as it's doing or to get the awards it's gonna get and then same or not get. And, you know, especially after all the shootings at schools and all the shootings in movie theaters and all this gun violence, this thing being just dripping with blood and his character being very violent. And it's not only violence, it is gun violence also.

[Adam Carolla]

I think his Nazi past will get. Will haunt him.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, no. I saw a documentary, played a Nazi, talked to this farmer, and it was a dairy farmer. Pretty sure. Although it was lit really well. Anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Why is Lincoln getting so much love? I ask, as someone who hasn't seen it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Here's the. And again, I don't think they should turn this shit into rocket science. As my buddy Nick Santora said the other day, though drunk on Mangria, he said it should be best, most entertaining film. It doesn't need to change any lives. It doesn't need to send a message. Everyone I know who saw Lincoln said it was boring. I actually got a nice laugh from the crew in the car. I don't know why, but when we were driving out to Laguna Seca a couple days ago, I think either Jeff, Matt, the Asian kid, or it was one of them. Somebody said they walked out on it.

[Bill Simmons]

Why can't it be all of them?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay, I said, how was Lincoln? And he said, I walked out. And then I paused and I said, was it over? Got a nice laugh out of everyone. It got a pause laugh out of everyone in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Subtle stuff. Subtle stuff.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Obviously, that's not a problem. We all do that. But no, Jeff said he walked out. Jeff Fox, who works here, almost everyone I spoke to about Lincoln said, it's good, but it's super boring and you don't need to see it, it's more sort of, oh, do it just to say you're good American and that

[Adam Carolla]

you're

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

sort of, you're into the civil rights and you're into the end of slavery and all kinds of. But don't expect to enjoy it.

[Allison Rosen]

Who's pro slavery these days?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't. Nobody is. But it's important. It's like when you do a banking commercial and they go equal opportunity lender like a snarl and they're upon him. An ancient forest spirit at his heels. The only escape is in the Toyota BZ woodland. John Cho stars in camping test drive Toyota's new all electric family. Today, Toyota let's go places. If the world were like a sleep

[Gina Grad]

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[Adam Carolla (Host)]

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[Gina Grad]

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[Adam Carolla (Host)]

We understand they just want your money and they want to see your FICO score. But they still have to announce that they're not racist at the end of their 30 second commercial. So everybody who saw Lincoln, now I got the screener. I watched the first nine and a half, ten minutes of it and I got bored and I went back to watching Varsity Bullets because I'm emotional like that.

[Bill Simmons]

There's a film for the fifth time.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it will win best picture because I saw it at film Phil Rosenthal's and I was upgraded to the good seat next to Phil for maybe the first time. I've made the good seats, but I never made.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You never made the back seats to fill.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not that kind of player in Hollywood. And I stayed awake and I consider that an Oscar winner.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What was the buzz over there? Because I've seen movies over there and it's funny, it's always very unanimous. Like flight was shown over at Rosenthal's theater and everyone kind of stood up and went, eh, eh, exciting crash scene. A little over the top with the thing. And then someone said, and the relationship, where the fuck that come from? And all 30 people just went same page. Except for Yafit Kota who was incensed

[Adam Carolla]

that we would because he was in the back row with the other crayons.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right, Upper deck. Phil has a negro balcony deck installed.

[Bill Simmons]

They're People too.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. They're not called crayons. You choose. This is why they. Okay, what are my crayons?

[Adam Carolla]

I wasn't a slave owner, but I was an agent.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right. That's right. You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

The view was positive. The group consensus was that man was better because the level of difficulty, the challenge that I thought Spielberg gave himself was incredibly large. Because it's a talky drama.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, that's basically about a political moment. And I thought it was. I think it's good. I think it's quite good. It's not in my top five movies, but I think it will win.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And the consensus for Django is fucking fun. You gotta see this movie. It's a good time.

[Bill Simmons]

It is almost unfair they put them in the same category because Django takes so many chances and is so kind of different and not something you've seen before. Whereas Lincoln. If you love the King's Speech, you'll love Lincoln. It's safe. It's paint my numbers. I don't see any chances. Kind of toothless, but it's a good movie.

[Adam Carolla]

If I were to review Lincoln, I would have used. And this would have been the pull quote. It's no. The hammer.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, buddy. That's what I would have said. So anyway, Christoph Waltz making his way up the food again, went from 25 to 1 to 5 to 1. And just one Golden Globe away from climbing those charts. All right, so we'll see how that turns out. Also, speaking of Golden Globes, somebody tweeted me a poster from cosmo.com or something that had Tina Fey and Amy Poehler up there. And it said, like, not funny. You know, I don't think so. And then I thought. And I was getting a couple tweets like you said. No one was. Chicks weren't funny. I was like, well, not only did I not say chicks weren't funny, I said Tina Fey was funny. Yeah, you're kind of making my point, number one. But number two, all groups, minority or not, whoever you are, don't show a picture of Jeremy Lin and say, can't play basketball. Cuz then it seems like you're overcompensating. You know what I mean? Like, nobody who's successful in doing what they want to do does that you're overcompensating. There are some funny women. There's some women who aren't funny. There's some guys that are funny. There's a lot of guys who aren't funny. And as a group and a whole if you just took 100 random men, 100 random women. Men would be funnier. That's kind of how it works. But there are things that women do that are. None come to mind that are better than men. But that's fine. We're different.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's gotta be something.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's understood. And we'll look, we'll find something.

[Bill Simmons]

We'll take a break.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. We'll Google something. We'll find something. Lactating something.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

These two are extremely funny.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like we insert tampons better, but I don't know.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, but if we had a vagina in 10 minutes, we'd be doing it twice as fast.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be funnier if Adam did it. Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

If it bends.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's tragedy. No, that's not quite right.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That is famous from Crimes and Misdemeanors. So they did a great job, and they are funny, and I enjoyed both of them. All right. But again, whatever your group is, it's sort of right up there with that poster that made me want to vomit, that said, do the impossible. Graduate high school. Don't do that to yourselves. Don't make a lot of proclamations. You see, Tina Fey is. Nobody's saying that there's not funny women, but you. Protesting too much and doing these kinds of things shows a certain insecurity, I would argue. And probably doesn't move. That doesn't help the case that often. You should just pretend like guys like me are buffoons and move on. What you do anyway shouldn't be hard to do. Shouldn't be hard to do. Close your eyes. Make sure you're driving super fast. All right.

[Adam Carolla]

And people don't point out. You also have said that women are prettier.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

How come that doesn't get any Internet bumps?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No fucking traction for that. All right, you got a song. David Wild and David Wilde's got some stuff coming up. You got. I don't know what you got. The American what award show. You.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Grammys I'm working on right now. And I'm going, actually, next week I won't be here. I'll be in New Orleans doing a show with Aisha Tyler and Boomer Assize. In this super bowl commercial show, the

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

same person three times, fool.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna have to drop you. I'll be dropping your name for a change. I'll be there dropping your name as opposed to here dropping other names.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Boomer Siason and Aisha Tyler.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Together again.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I know Aisha is really cool.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't know. Boomer.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, Boomer. I worked with Boomer last year, and he was. He was great, actually. Nice guy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And doing those, like, world's wackiest commercials.

[Adam Carolla]

Greatest super bowl commercials. And we'd go to the Superdome, you know, a week and a half before and soak up the excitement of the Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, I was reminded. Sorry. And I'm gonna be sorry to bring this up to Bill Simmons. I was reminded that some weeks or months ago, I put some money on the Pats winning the Super Bowl. So that's gonna cause trouble and patriarchy.

[Bill Simmons]

Kiss of death.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Yeah. We have to figure this one out. And I'll also doomed my dear friend Christoph Waltz as well, obviously gambling on him.

[Bill Simmons]

What odds did you get for the Patriots, do you remember?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I got 8 or 10 to 1 or something. It was like. It was one of these things where the pats were 10 or 4 or something, and I could see what was going on. And I kept doing the. You got. You're going to win two home games where Brady is 21 and three, and then you'll be in the Super Bowl. And I just thought, all you got to do is win two. Two home games. They won handily the other day. And they'll play some. They'll play the Ravens, and I think they'll win again. They'll be in the Super Bowl.

[Adam Carolla]

On the other hand, you were the first to say Leslie Mann would be nominated for an Oscar.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And lo and behold, zero dark 30. 40.

[Adam Carolla]

I had all the TV crews over at my house early for my nomination.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Nothing. It was very embarrassing to have to send them home.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right. Yeah. Speaking of Leslie Mann, Judd Apatow's wife, who I thought was just excellent in this is 40 and very surprised that this is 40, is getting such mixed reviews. Just like a straight 50% right across the board. Rotten Tomatoes. First, I want to say to people, it's a romantic comedy or a comedy or whatever it is, but what yardstick are you using to measure this comedy? Because almost all of them suck. I mean, big budget, lots of recognizable faces. Most of these things are pretty fucking bad. And star Adam Sandler. This one was interesting, poignant, a little long, but well written. Had a lot of good performances in it.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you find it to be a depressing take on marriage or a realistic take or neither?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, there's a couple things when people say, like, oh, man, I didn't like it. Cause it didn't make me feel good. Like, it was like it was depressing well, like I said, there's movies about Hitler and civil War and there's all. What about the Perfect Storm? It's not like they all fucking swam to Bermuda and fucked natives. They went down to Davy Jones locker.

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't sound very perfect to me.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. The point is, I know you were a little bummed out to see Clooney and company go down in the drink, but that's the story. That's what it was. That's what movies are. You're not supposed to always feel fantastic at the end or even in the middle. I thought there was a lot of interesting characters in it. I thought the writing was really interesting. I thought Leslie Mann was just really good.

[Adam Carolla]

I thought she was amazing. And Albert Brooks. I don't know what you thought. I thought his performance. And again, this is a weird thing, thing to say, but it's a character I've never seen. The shitty Jewish dad. The Jewish dad who wants money, you know, And I thought it was a really different fresh take. I thought that was great.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The thing that I think a lot of people came away with, and I think this is unfair because I think what Judd Apatow is saying is don't let the BMW 7 Series and the nice house and the good looking blue eyed wife, fool, you were just as miserable as everyone else. What a lot of people took away is, oh, cry me a river. So you gotta move from a huge house to just a big house. So you have to go from a BMW 7 series to a 5 series. I mean, come on, you don't have. And in a weird way, there's a sort of class A reverse classism, which is, oh, how can you be who wants to be?

[Allison Rosen]

If you have your trappings of success, you're not allowed to complain.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. By the way, your relationships, poor or rich with your kids, your wife, your girlfriend, or whatever point you're at in your life. Money doesn't make a whole lot. It doesn't work a whole lot into that equation. Your personal relationships with your parents, it's not like. Well, my dad and I had a couple of rough patches back when I wasn't making a lot of money and then I was rich and then smoothed everything over immediately. No, not so much. Even in a weird way gets worse. Because you throw a little money at the problem. I say the problem, I mean my family. But you throw a little money at the problem. You lease your dad, Alexis, and he doesn't say thanks, and now you get more pissed off. So now your relationship is strained a little bit more because you thought I could take a little bit of money and sort of fix this issue. And so to say, like, again, it's all part of this sort of class warfare thing we're doing of, oh, cry me a river with your fucking Lexus and your big house and your whatever. Well, I felt like what Jud was saying, and he's probably saying it, you know, it's probably pretty cathartic, which is, yeah, I'm rich. Yes, I'm successful, and yes, I have problems, which is a nice message to send to people.

[Allison Rosen]

The same way it's supposed to be inclusive, right?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Rich people can get cancer and rich people can get hit by drunk drivers and rich people can be in airplanes where terrorists take them over. Like, there's nothing that precludes rich people from arguing or killing themselves or feeling remorse or hurt.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a slightly. I think that's part of it. I think the other part of it is a. Shockingly, my fan base did not turn out to see me off in a yarmulke. Say my nine words.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I did see the back of your

[Adam Carolla]

head when I watched it again and say nine words. No, but the main thing, I talked to a woman at the Grammy office today and she said she loved it. She was a beautiful 20 something single girl. I thought it was phenomenal. But the women who I found who had some issues with it were the married women. And I think it's because it put a little sort of window mirror to what men think of marriage, you know, and especially that scene where the two guys, Smigel and Rudd, I think it's a very good scene. They talk about how they would kill their wives.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I think that just is a little too much truth in a romantic comedy where I think romantic comedies tend to be date night movies. And it's. I think that was maybe for some people, it wasn't a good date.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, to me, I think it's a great movie. Here's what it was. And it's frustrating. It was interesting and insightful. It said, look, instead of just doing your romantic comedy, let's scratch the surface and get a little bit deeper. Instead of doing a thing where it's like, he has 40 days to date 40 women because he was pissing in a fountain at the same time. And then lightning.

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds like a great movie.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Right?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And then they swapped roles and the playboy became the father and the father became the swinging bachelor. It's like, all right, let's do something that's a little more intellectually interesting. See if we can dig a little bit deeper. Let's talk about relationships in a slightly more realistic way. And something that Ashton Kutcher probably wouldn't have delved into or dove into at some point. And let's see if we can approach it like Woody Allen would have in the later 70s, and see if we can get back to something that's a little closer to real.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it feels like. Or James L. Brooks.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And people went like, I don't want real. I want fucking Anson.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, we just want something that's gonna soothe us. I honestly think a little bit the title plays into it because I think people think that he's saying, this is what everyone is at 40 or something. And then. Cause I keep reading articles where people are like, that's not what I you. And they're like, you know, it should have been like this. Here's the apatows at 40 or something.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Plus a very confused black community who thinks it's about malt laker. Second good black joke before the 30 minute mark of the show.

[Adam Carolla]

It was a good one.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Made that one up. Come on. Now.

[Adam Carolla]

The top racist joke.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Thank you. So far, 2000.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not speak too quickly. Yeah, but that said, it's still the number one comedy of the winter movies. It paid out. Parental guidance by. It's still up by, I think, a dollar or two on box office Mojo. And it killed this.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's made 40. 50 million million.

[Adam Carolla]

62. I check every day my residual checks.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm looking.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, I understand. So it's made a lot of money and it's very successful. It's just weird that it is just kind of, like I said, 50% rotten tomatoes. I'm surprised and, like I said, a little bit disappointed that people didn't go, hey, man, finally an interesting movie about a relationship rather than just assertive bullshit. He's got 24 hours to get her little black book. All right, David Wilde, you have a. And Graham Parker. Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, my song is actually from someone who's been on your show and who I thought was a wonderful guy, but it was because I was driving there tonight and heard his song on the radio on a small station for the first time. And it was a song that I had told him on the new record that he was promoting when he came in here should be the single. And so what I want to think. What's that?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I mean, Josh.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, sorry.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So weren't we doing the news?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. This is a song called Love is a Country by the Wallflowers Jacob Dillon and his group and I think the Corolla community should come together and all buy this song on itunes tonight through AdamCorolla.com and make this a hit because this is my favorite song of the year so far. Sounds like the Smiths right here.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. With the birds are returning we're safe enough to say that much is true in the desert that border is between me and you where more than a few good men have failed to come back or get through and the only

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

things living around me though want to

[Bill Simmons]

talk

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

and the wine isn't working the vacancy signs are off the hardships of marching They've only just begun

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Love is

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

a country Better cross when you're young. David Wilde. The name of the album is one more time.

[Adam Carolla]

It is glad all over the wallflowers. The song. The song, though I would think people should just buy this song to check out the album called love is a country. And I think it's one of those phrases that it will get you laid. It's such a sensitive, evocative song, like some of his best songs. But if you just say that to a woman like, babe, love is a country. You know, just say that much, I think that'll work, right. I have a passport. Love is a country. I think this song should be hit. It's. I think it's his best song since, like one headlight. And I do encourage everyone to buy. Go to adamparella.com buy this song tonight. Let's make it a hit show. The power of your community.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The pirate ship through Amazon banner. Thank you very much. Yeah, it sounds really good. And he was great on the. On the show. I think we. I don't live there, but I think I have a house that's very close to his over there in a Malibu way.

[Adam Carolla]

If we can put the address on the website, maybe that'll. It'll help some of the crazies.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right. Mine I'll just play a little bit of. Was one of my favorite songs, sort of power pop. Raspberry's song called go all the way. And I can't remember if I played it on this show or not.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But Mike says no, so I believe him. Just a good 1972, you know, this

[Adam Carolla]

is the song that made me a music fan. This is literally the song.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's. It's a pop song, but it's got a little edge to it and it's got a good lick. And I don't think the Raspberries had anything other than this.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And it was.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It was a simpler time when guys would just beg for pussy.

[Adam Carolla]

Just ask.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Don't be uptight. Let's go.

[Allison Rosen]

What do they do now?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, there's. There's a couple of phases. There was. There's. There was a super gay 60s where it's like, I just want to be friends with you, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

But naked friends.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Which means eventually you're going to get high and pass out. I'm going to you. That was. That was. But we just want to hang out.

[Allison Rosen]

Just want to be cool.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Like, I don't want to turn you off or take. Turn you in or turn you down. Like, a lot of that. But it really meant. It really meant. Have another primo pass out. I'll in your sleep because my. Not unusually wide. And by the way, who you gonna tell? Like, you know, it's 1968, you know? Yeah. Then it got into. You know, get into my van and let's just let nature take its course.

[Adam Carolla]

My Chevy van.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He died last week. Sammy Johns.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Yes. But his message of raping runaways, I'm happy to say, is still going strong in this country. His catch and release rape program is still going strong in this country. And that will be his legacy.

[Bill Simmons]

Legacy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. But a good riff here.

[Adam Carolla]

The great Wally Bison on guitar.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, really?

[Adam Carolla]

The. This was my Beatles moment. I didn't see the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, but I saw these guys on, I think, Midnight Special. Or Kirschners.

[Michael DeBar]

Or both.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Don Kircher's Rock Pile or Rock Feed.

[Allison Rosen]

Or Rock.

[Adam Carolla]

Rock Concert.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Rock Concert. Right. This is very Beatles here. So it's a lot of. It's three minutes of him going forward.

[Michael DeBar]

Please.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Let's. Can we already. And then.

[Allison Rosen]

I wish it was called that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And then it was actually simpler time when, like, the brothers. The R B stuff was like, lady, I just want to be with you. And now it's like, I'm gonna. Yeah. And your friends and I'm coming on your mom. And then I'm leaving, like, delivered.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Like in a romantic slow jam.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But it's just to be a lot of, like, hey, lady, where you going with that suitcase?

[Adam Carolla]

The most condescending song, which is a hit right now is the Neo song, Let me love you until you learn to love yourself. Have you heard that one?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

It's like the ladies choice that ladies fucking hate.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Really?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Learn to love yourself. He.

[Adam Carolla]

Because you're not intelligent enough to love yourself as I am.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Maybe he means love yourself, you know, using your index finger. All right. The great David Wilde celebrity.

[Adam Carolla]

Stop plugging the movie.

[Michael DeBar]

It's fine.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't get points right now, so it's really. I need to beat Rick Springfield. Let's get back to what's important.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wild about Mute. Wild about music. That's the Twitter. And let's beat that fucking Rick Springfield. You know what? He's a foreigner and I know he's star country.

[Adam Carolla]

Tries to steal Jesse's girl.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right. That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

I was actually gonna pick one of his songs as song of the week because he's got a new album that's really good. That bastard. And he owes me money. That's not a joke.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, let's beat him. Wild about music and Bill Simmons coming in here next. We got some new twists and turns for one of the greatest action movies never shot. But soon. Pedophile. And we'll do that right after this. And now Alcoa presents Definitely Not a Jew on the Adam Carolla show. Dateline, West Springfield, Missouri. After a domestic dispute with his girlfriend, a 34 year old man was charged with animal cruelty because he whipped her with his pet python. Definitely not a Jew. The great Bill Simmons is here website Grantland.com of course, the podcast the BS Report. And you can subscribe on itunes. You can find me there on occasion. Cousin Sal every week. And you can Twitter him illsimmons. I had a great time at Bill's on New Year's Eve.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You just called the last guy great. Is that like your thing? Every guest, you're like the great da da da.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Is that your thing?

[Allison Rosen]

Not if he likes them.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You mean with David Wilde?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

What are the odds of you two great guests in a row?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It could happen. Probably not with my August booking.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Just be honest. The only reason I'm here is because you left stuff in my house. And this is what you do.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You go, I left a cooler and a cooler studio.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And then you left a book at my house. And what you do is you leave stuff behind and then you get agitated when people don't bring it back immediately.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, and I do that thing like you should do it when you're in a relationship. Like the time I left my baseball mitt at my girlfriend's house way back in the day. And then she dumped me. And then I showed up like a month later and I was like, I need my softball mitt back.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Can I just get it back?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And her sister said, she's not here. And then I was like stymied. I said, I'm coming in Anyway, and I came in and I found the softball mitt. And I was like, but I had a softball, too. It must have been in the mitt, but it's not in the mitt anymore. And I started looking, and then I looked under the bed and I lifted the dust ruffle, and I found a spent condom.

[Allison Rosen]

Ew.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, my God. And I was. I drove home more depressed. I've never been more depressed in my entire life. I was so depressed. Cause I was still indoor and I was just making an excuse to come over there and get my. Like, I was hoping she was gonna be home. And I found a spent.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Wasn't that the original ending to Last American Virgin or. No, they went with James.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I should have just driven into a semi truck on the way home because I went over there with, like, purpose. And like, you know that thing where it's like you're still into them, but you have to pretend like you're not into them?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. You're aggressively not into them.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, she's not here. Good. When do you think she's coming back? Well, I'm gonna spend a super long time looking for my baseball mitt in your super small apartment. Okay. And then when I saw that spent condom, I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. And then I was like, what kind of condom etiquette is this?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Like, it just.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Poor, poor.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Jesus Christ. Fucking gotta.

[Allison Rosen]

You think it was the guy who

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

put it under there?

[Allison Rosen]

Or her? It had to be him. Why would she have handled it at that point?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It was academic. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

For me, I would have been chewing over the details of that one.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Unless two gay guys had broken in and had it out on the bed, you know? But anyway. All right, Bill.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a long shot.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So I went to Bill's and we made. I brought a bunch of Mangria and we made a bunch of better mans. And.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah. You know, your friends are worried you're turning into an alcoholic because of this drinking. Maybe turning's not the right way.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What about you? You had at least 12.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Well, I was at my own house.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's true. It's important. It's okay to get drunk at your own house.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

True.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But we went through, like, a bot. He had. Bill had rye on hand. Most people don't have rye on hand.

[Allison Rosen]

What kind do you keep on hand?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It was like, maple flavored rye.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That was the shit. No, that was my sh.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Oh, that was yours.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

We went through your shit. We went through half a bottle of your shit.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I still don't know what rye is. It's like apologize either.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's whiskey for guys who like ice fishing. Oh, that's basically what it is. So that was a good time and a nice, nice little intimate party.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I have one thing, because I heard your last guest, you were talking about the Apatow movie. The reason people, the Apatow movie made people mad is because they promoted it a certain way. They promoted it like it was this from the hilarious guy who gave you these movies. And they showed like the three funniest scenes in the ad. And then you go to this movie and it's this couple just screaming at each other for two hours and the father in law is broke and the kids are annoying.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And that wasn't the movie that they promoted. If they'd been honest about it and said, this is two hours of a slice of hell, right. I would have been more prepared emotionally because that's what I would have lined

[Allison Rosen]

up to see that.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

What was uplifting about that movie?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Nothing uplifting about it. But again, there's nothing uplifting about the Perfect Storm.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Well, then don't sell it in the commercial as this, Rob.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Because, see, studios don't know what to do with what they call tweeners. Because I'm a guy who came out with a movie that they decided was a tweener, and they don't know what to do with it. It's like, it's not a sports movie, it's not a comedy, it's not a romance. They don't know what to do. They're super confused. That's why the Adam Sandler stuff is real easy for them. It's comedy. It's not funny, but it's a comedy and they know exactly what to do with it. So what they do is if they take anything that has any comedy at all in it, they go, fuck it. It's Judd Apatow. We have to sell it and spoon feed it to everyone this way. And this is how they do it. There's nothing. They have no other way but to do that.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Well, I think they did him a disservice.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They did.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I don't think he intended to make a comedy. I think he was. I don't know what he was trying to say other than that you can save your record label if Ryan Adams is between labels. That was the lesson I learned.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow. From the movie, hey, listen, there's a lot of hatred for the man. I enjoyed the movie.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I just think be honest about what the movie is. And the ads And I'm fine with you.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I think what I've been in that room, although it's a lot smaller. Oh, the pitching room. And it doesn't have windows. But I can tell you that the suits are gonna do what they're gonna do with that kind of thing. And he probably is not gonna have a ton of control over that. All right. So, Bill, you said you had an idea.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Oh, yeah. Let's talk football quick. This was an idea from a mailbag. You're the expert of fake movies. You love fake movie scenarios.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I like fake movies more than I like real movies.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah. Too. I like your fake movies more than I real.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And on rare occasion, I realize some of the fake ones, like Navageddon, actually would make decent movies.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Well, this is a big month for us because Schwarzenegger and Stallone both have movies coming out.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And we're probably their last two fans.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Just to corroborate this story, when the Marine. When John Cena the wrestler. When the movie the Marine came out. We were there the first afternoon it opened.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It was just us and one random girl.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Smoking hot.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Smoking hot girl who we decided must have been in the movie.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It was opening weekend. It was Friday afternoon. We sat at the Arc Light in Hollywood, alone in an empty theater with one super hot 26 year old chick

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

just two rows in front of us

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

and who got up and left after 20 minutes.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah, I think she was in one scene and then she was like, I'm good, I saw myself.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I think she was cut out of that one scene. Like she may have been. Spoiler alert. She may have been in like the bank robbing scene. Then soon as that scene was over, realized, well, she's not popping up again because I didn't see anyone who looked like her. But anyway, it was wildly distracting for both of us.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Here's the fake movie. And it was NFL related. But now Peyton Manning got knocked out. But the thing is. So Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have cost Tom Brady three Super Bowls, basically. And Bill Belichick.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The idea is Bill Belichick decides he's had enough of the Manning family.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right. This is. If Peyton had gone on and won this. Peyton had gone back.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So let's say Bill Belichick now goes back in time to kill Archie Manning.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Aha.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So the Manning brothers are never born. He sends Tom Brady back to the past.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fourth and forever quarterback to the future. Oh, you thought about it. Wow.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Brady goes back, ends up fathering the Mannings.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right. Uh huh. No Belichick. Belichick or Belichick or whoever goes back.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Belichick. Belichick goes back to kill Archie Manning.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

But falls in love with Archie Manning's wife. Ends up fathering the two people who beat him in the Super Bowl. Quarterback.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Played quarterback, but just in the Arena League. Never made it to the show. Let people know about Archie.

[Allison Rosen]

Man.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Listen, you take that, you mold it. You mold it into whatever sculpture you want.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

That's all I have for you.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That is good.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah, it's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's pretty good.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Little Back to the Future, Little Terminator. Little Longest Yard, falls in love.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I think the button on the whole thing is he ends up. You know, there's gotta be that scene

[Adam Carolla]

where

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

the kid's hanging onto the branch after the fishing trip and the river's rushing by him. They're both hanging on, and they're like, dad. Dad, help. And he's just standing there, like, frozen in his tracks. The kids are 12 and the other one's 14. And if he pulls them out of the river, he knows they're going to go on to be all American. What does he do? And we see that moment where he goes, I'll do it. And he does the right thing. But at the very end, here's kind of the twist.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I did have a twist.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Here's the twist. So he pulls him out of the river and they hug. But we still have that forlorn look on young Belichick's face, like, where he's like, damn, what did I just do? That'll be played by the guy from Friday Night Lights who you love so much.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Which one?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Kyle Chandler. Oh, Kyle Chandler. Yeah. Yeah. He'll be the young Belichick. So it'll be that move. And then it'll do that thing where it comes on the screen where it goes four years later. And then they'll be like, in the kitchen. And the wife will say to. To Chandler. Young Belichick, come on, you're going to miss the game. You're going to be late for the high school game. This is a. This one's for the championship. And they're like. And he's like, okay. And then we get all of it. And they go, it's a soccer game.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And he's up in the stand smiling as Manning kicks. Kicks the goal and gets the scholarship. Huh?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I like it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, that's good.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Good ending.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Good ending.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Let's get that made.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay, let's work on that. What a shocker. I love that one. Ace, I got an idea for a movie. Delete Bill Belichick goes back into.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Oh, really? You love that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Carl Yastrimsky is a bounty hunter.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Why do you make me sound like Robbie Bunsen? I don't understand that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

I know. I'm trying to square the Bill Simmons that I've heard via Adam and the

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

one that's sitting there. It's me doing Cousin Sal's version.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's him doing two other people's stations twice removed.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, but it's still close. Ish.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah, close Ish.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Close. Yeah, it's close. Ish. But it's not exactly. Not exactly. Right. All right, should we do a little pedophile? You got some action?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I think I'm ready to do this for the 19th time since I've known you.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, we're only probably at 15. All right, sorry. All right, so, Allison, you don't know this one.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't. Allison, you better get ready to be astounded.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah, okay.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now, when we first started doing it, we'd say the year's 2013. But now it's been a while, so let's make it 17.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I'll be interested to see who is the new Dakota Fanning for this pitch. Because for years and years, it was Dakota Fanning, but now she's grown up.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And somewhat attractive.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'll tell you who it's gonna be.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right. So it's 2031, and the world. Thank you. The world doesn't know what to do with the pedophiles. Cause we can't have them in society, and we can't release them back into society. And the prisons have become overrun with murders.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

That's the key. There's too many people in prison.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

There's too many people in prison. Right.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

We don't know what to do with all the excess prisoners.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And just, like, fashion and even cars and things like that. What's. What's old is new again. They're going back to the old Devil's island, where they would just take them, like in Papillon and stuff, and just drop them off on an island and let them fend for themselves. So they take all the pedophiles of the world, and they all end up on some island chain in French Guiana or somewhere.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So a little piece of escape from New York.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Mm.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And they're all. They're all there. And it's not acknowledged. It's not one of these things that sanctions sanctioned by the governments. It's just understood that they all get off There. And quickly they break off into tribes, you know, now little Lord of the Flies, right? And by the way, this is only. It goes without saying that these guys are into young boys. It's not the other island where they're into 15 and 14 year old chicks. It's just filled with, you know, producers and agents and Hollywood types like that. They'd immediately be devoured by these guys.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's Thailand, right.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

This is its own sort of, you know, these guys all, you know, Sandusky esque. He would be one of the leaders. There will be a guy wearing a Penn State.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Well, that's where the football coach background

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

would really help, the organizational skills and things like that. And they break off into groups. They break off into groups that are sort of like the warriors, you know what I mean? Like you got the Bears, the baseball group and Asner's Papa Bear, you know what I mean? Just wearing like, you know, like, like a, like a leather later hoser with no shirt. Like animal skin. Like coming. There's the Bears, the big husky guys over there, the black mambas, you know what I mean? Like in prison or like they break off. Yeah, the priests, the football coaches, the Cub Scouts and things like that. They just, they'll break off in their own little group. You know, basically they live in harmony as long as they stay on each, you know, stay off the turfs.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, the priests police themselves.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, the priests cannot wander on, wander onto the bear territory and hunt, for instance.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You respect everybody's boundaries, right?

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, now, smash cut to family. You know the dad? The dad. Same guy from Friday Night Lights.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Got you.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Same guy back. He's young Belichick and he plays the dad.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

We sent him to a two film

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

deal and he's getting stuff packed. He's getting stuff packed up because he's the Cub Scout leader. And they're going to a big, big jamboree. They're going to a big jamboree. And the jamboree is.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He insists on flying because he's flown 500 hours, right?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He's flying his own little private plane.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, he's frying and he has, he has his as is now. No, his wife's not with him, but he's got the reluctant. Now here's my piece of casting here. He has a son that was an Eagle Scout two years ago but turned his back on it, like went all goth and Columbine y and started wearing like listening to the Cure start wearing black dusters and getting weird and depressed and Stuff like that. He was the best Eagle Scout. Now he's decided it's like for kids and uncool and all that kind of stuff. That is a super trimmed down Taylor Lautner. Like emaciated.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like he pulls Anne Hathaway for the role.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah. I was thinking more the machinist, you know, kind of thing. But like same, it's the same as we've never seen him before.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Like, like he lost so much weight. His friends and family in real life were worried.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, they're worried. Yeah. And in the interviews he has to explain what he'd do. Just one apple a day. That's all he would eat to lose, to lose the weight. But he goes super emaciated. Tate. Taylor Lautner plays the gothy, you know, 17 and a half year old, was an Eagle Scout and the dad is convincing him, you know, just one more, one more jamboree. One more jamboree. Come on. He's trying to kind of kick start him, get him back into scouting and he just reluctantly agrees to go. Now the younger, the young Dar. Now here's the twist, by the way. We're going to have the youngest daughter from Modern Family play the young son.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, good.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The Dakota Fanning role.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now it's been handed up, it's been handed off. Yeah. Short haircut. There's no twist here. It's just a, it's just, it's just fun casting. She. Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You know, get on Deadline Hollywood daily that somebody hired her. The mom's not allowed to come within 500 yards of the studio.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right. Cut the hair.

[Allison Rosen]

Ariel Winter, I think.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Cut the hair off. And she, now, now he, she is the excited young, you know, 13 year old that's like, wants to know why Taylor's still not into it. And he's doing it like it's for kids, you know. Oh, come on, this is gonna be great. Well, on the way back from the jamboree. On the way back, by the way, traveling with the other, just sort of comic relief friend. Who's the fat kid from Modern Family? Oh, yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Two for one.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He's gonna make a tasty treat. They packaged it for the bears, believe you me. Okay, so all sudden on the way home, engine trouble, gotta set it down right in the lagoon.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

A pedophile. They don't know it at first. They have no idea what's going on. And that's where the chubby little kid from Modern Family says, you know, I'll go up to the top of the crescent and see if I Can start a signal fire or look around and you just. You hear him scream. And birds. Birds scattering. Birds scattering. You know what I mean? Just. Just a bellow coming from the hills and the birds scattering over the canopy. Dad. Compound fracture. Yeah. Has to do the. You can't. He immediately knows what's going on. He's heard about this, and he knows what's happening on this island. He's seen the signs. So he does this. Leave me behind. You know, does that move where they don't want to do it? You know, dad, especially. Especially the young one, an action thriller

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

favorite, where you have the one guy who's. He's usually got something on him, they can't move it. Like, who's the guy in. Was it Daylight? The Stallone movie? Stan Shaw's guy. He's trapped under the thing. He tells Sly to keep going. He's got to save those people.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I feel like I would have the exact opposite conversation with people where people are going, like, listen, we only have enough food and water for three people. You're bleeding profusely. Even if we got you up the hill, you're probably just gonna bleed out, not make the night. Meanwhile, we're gonna waste all our granola bars and clean water on you. And I have a really bad back, so if you don't mind, I'd probably pick up a rock to start, and then I'd be laying there going, hey,

[Allison Rosen]

man, it's not my time, it's yours.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, and by the way, first off, I'm gonna get you a car. If we make it through. And I'm talking German. I'm not just talking about something that rolls out of Dearborn. Like something cool. And look, does anyone need a blowjob? Like, seriously, like, what can we do here? And by the way, you do this, you're gonna feel like shit the whole time. And you better hope I don't survive. Cause I'll fucking tell everyone what a pussy you are.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You understand?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So I would have the exact opposite conversation with everybody, but he says, leave me behind.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Go. Go find help.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Go find help. That's right. Live. Live through me.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Avenge me now. It's just Taylor Lautner. Yeah, Taylor Lautner and Errol Winter now on their own.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

A pedophile looking for help. Yeah, you're the troop leader now. And by the way, that's where emaciated Lautner. Yeah, there's a montage where he has to fall back on his skills, you know what I mean? Start fires with the machete.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I see. It all comes into play shot of

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

him catching a rabbit with a trap that he'd made, you know, that night. They always cut from catching the rabbit to eating the rabbit. They don't do the part that I would dislike the most, the part where you're going, so gross and it's up.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Can I eat this?

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's a gizzard.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right, right. Even though they're showing him. They're showing him come around.

[Bill Simmons]

Does enough time pass where he can do, like a training montage and get banned?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

That'd be good for the ladies. That'd be good for the ladies.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And then we'll find out. They filmed it backwards.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They filmed it backwards. But he does a scene where he's like, yeah, he's making barbells out of rocks with, like, a log between it. Kind of. Kind of rocky, running in the snow. But this is in the sand.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Don't forget the key part where they send the placebo guy out to feel them out. The powers booth character. We're gonna put this part in.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right, Right. Yeah. It's Michael Bean.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Oh, it's Michael Bean. Michael Bean. Interesting comeback.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Mainly just because I feel like we can get him. We have a relationship with Bean.

[Bill Simmons]

He's right outside. He's hanging out.

[Allison Rosen]

Could someone say my name?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So they stumble across an older guy who they feel like is there for he can help them.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, this is.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

They don't know that he's pedophile for reasons.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wrongly accused. What happens? What happens is they're in the tent, and all of a sudden you see the shadow on the tent, you know, it's the man, you know?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Oh, I thought you. I thought there was a part where they. Where one of the tribes sent somebody to pretend they were this guy was

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

gonna help, but really probably was.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Skip ahead of this one.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, I just.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

I like.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I like the part where they're in the tent, they see the guy standing there. Lautner, like, realizes they're in trouble. Bean is standing there. He's. He's yoked, you know, and he says, don't worry, I'm not one of this them, you know, and they're like, they want to know how. How we can trust you. Turns out, you know, he innocently banged a 14 and a half year old when he was, you know, 21. But, hell, wrongly accused. But that was in the 80s and, you know, it was what people were doing back then. Yeah, make her 16. She was European. She was your European model.

[Michael DeBar]

Railroaded.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He got railroaded and thrown Onto the island.

[Allison Rosen]

How is it that Lautner and the other one realize that they're on pedophile, though?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The dad realizes that when they send the fat kid from Modern family away and the birds go off. The birds went up in a certain way where he knows he saw the guys, you know, and he realizes where they are. And the dad was ex CIA, so he just knows. Yeah, he knows these things. He knew about the. They knew about the island, but it's disavowed. Like they won't recognize it.

[Bill Simmons]

Disavowing the program.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And they're explaining. That's why he's explaining. Don't expect help. Well, what was the part where you don't officially exist? I was like, that part where if you get into trouble, we're not coming after you.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

What was the part where Michael Biehn. For a second, you kind of wonder if he might be a pedophile. Like there's a campfire scene or something.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

There was. Yeah. Well, there's that moment where they have to gain the trust where the little one's cold, and he comes up and takes his raggedy jacket on and puts it around. And there's that one moment where you're Lautner, you know, looks like, hey, man, you know, that's my kin. You know what I mean?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Lautner doesn't trust him.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Lautner doesn't.

[Allison Rosen]

He's getting chills hearing about it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's powerful stuff.

[Allison Rosen]

It's really moving.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah. Now there's the one rogue CIA guy who was. Watch. There always has to be that guy who's back. Oh, okay. Terrence Howard. I'm getting some color in here. Terrence Howard.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I like that after the poster.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Terrence Howard was the guy who just got assigned to the, like, the AWACS plane that was flying over in the vicinity. And he's like, I saw a plane go down on that island chain, sir. And they're like, don't worry about it, son. Don't worry about it, rookie. And he's like, I saw a plane go down. Why aren't we going after it? It's like, you know what? That's above your pay scale, son. Don't worry. And see, because he can't figure out why and what's going on. And that's when he starts, you know, doing his homework. And now he really.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

He.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, you're on a need to know basis, son. And right now you don't need to know. So they're telling him, you know, don't worry about it. But he saw on that AWACS plane. He was. He was the radar technician. He saw a plane go down in that lagoon, and now he's gonna investigate himself.

[Allison Rosen]

Good.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So he goes in.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, he's going in Zodiac boat.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Are you sure we can't do better than Michael Bayne? I mean, I really feel like we can.

[Bill Simmons]

No, no one can do better than Michael Bain.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

We can't.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I mean, you literally can't name the last movie he's been in.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fine, Don Swayze, fine. Have it your way. But Bean's gonna be pissed.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

All right. Don Swayze makes me feel a lot better.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, can you at least find a role for Michael Bean in the movie?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, yeah, let's get.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Let's get him. That's one of the pedophiles.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, let's. Let's get somebody. Let's. Let's. All right, let's see if we can get Bruce Willis in that role then. You want to get Willis in that role?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Don Swayze is pretty enticing.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, I mean, we're really shooting for, like a 50 plus million dollar extravaganza here. We need names.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So Bruce Willis might be the move.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Let's go. Let's go. Willis.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The only other one I was thinking was maybe Viggo Mortensen.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it looks good. He could really get lean and really get cut up for this thing. Yeah, really in great shape for.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Not afraid to get naked.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, not afraid.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Not afraid to fight naked.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Insists on it. Hey, when he does voiceover work, he does it in the nude. He's that. And committed to it. All right. Yeah, and he'll go method, too. He'll actually fuck a kid just to really get into this role. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, as research.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. No, no, it's research. It's no big deal. It's not. It's not a crime if it's research.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He never told her how you spell it. It's like a pedophile.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, true.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. I don't know how to spell.

[Allison Rosen]

Just ask Adam for spelling.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

P, E, D, I, F, and then aisle.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I like it.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Two words. Pedophile.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, good.

[Allison Rosen]

It's never pharmaceutical.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Although I never figured out why isn't it O. Why isn't it O, F? I think it should be pet off. Yeah. Well, how it's actually spelled, though. You have to spell it. We'll work it out. I mean, you can see. You can see. I.

[Allison Rosen]

Where are you gonna film it?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I see it in Catalina. It's just they give new Mexico. They give great tax breaks there.

[Allison Rosen]

That was like the sitcom thing that you and I did yesterday where you both give different answers.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. So at the end, I think what happens is Terrence Howard, who's assigned to the AWACS plane, but for some reason. But he can fly. I'm trying to think where that marine chopper is. It's a fixed wing aircraft, but it can land vertically. It's got that Marine, you know, and then it turns and the propellers turn and it flies away. He's licensed to fly one.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like that big transport plane with the propellers that go around on the surface.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They stand up and then they go. So you can land it on top of a volcano. Because at the end of the. That's Ron. That's in the poster. The volcano.

[Allison Rosen]

I have to ask. It sounds like a real sausage fest.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Are there anything called the Osprey? It's called the Osprey.

[Allison Rosen]

Are there any women in this movie?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's true. You didn't really put anything in.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

There's a picture of it. Yeah, there's a picture of the Osprey.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Maybe the.

[Bill Simmons]

Maybe.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Should Terrence Harrod be a woman?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Maybe.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Jessica Chastain coming off Zero Dark Thirty.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Interesting.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Interesting. Next role for her.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, all right, we'll put her. We'll put. And put a little Ikea boys in there.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Terrence is out. He's gonna be devastating.

[Allison Rosen]

This is such tokenism. Yeah. I feel like you need a Terrance and a Jessica.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And there is gonna be the black mamas. I mean, there is gonna be a black pedophile crowd. That's that, you know, and so there will be some color.

[Allison Rosen]

Three times, fool.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Lisa Tyler, maybe as well. All right, so that's it. We're working on it.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's still in motion.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

What do they say? It's in development.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's in development, in progress.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

We had that quarterback to the Future that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That I kind of like that I like a lot. We worked on. When we were working with Kimmel, we worked on a few. Few sort of fake TV shows and movies and things like that. And some of the stuff not too bad. Like the Bomb Squad one where the guy.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Bomb squad could have been a TV show. Bomb Squad in the late 70s. Unfortunately, we filmed it in 2003.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Bomb Squad was a guy whose partner basically got killed in the bomb squad. And he blames himself and swore he'd never work with another partner. And instead he got one of those bomb defusing robots. But this one was infused with artificial Intelligence. And they actually computer mapped it like his partner who was the best in the business. So in a weird way, it became his old partner. But it was this robot and a lot of wisecracking, going back and forth and stuff like that. But eventually he learned to love the robot.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It was a buddy cop. He was really heartwarming with a robot.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

With a robot.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I was thinking to you, by the way, have you seen the ad for the Jason Statham movie?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The Statham.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Jason Statham. Like the latest one. At one point he's dressed as a priest. Really interesting new plot that I can't remember seeing for an action film before. Somebody double crossed him. He's out for revenge.

[Michael DeBar]

What?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, he's coming for them.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah, he's coming for them. He didn't like what they did to

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

him, and so he's gonna come for them.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He's coming for them now.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So you're saying, why isn't he just

[Allison Rosen]

gonna forgive them and move on with his life so it doesn't hurt him?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You're saying they crossed the wrong guy is what they're saying.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, the wrong guy.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

No, they crossed the wrong guy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, so you're saying they're gonna have to come looking for him. He's gonna find them.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

No, no, no, no, no, no. They crossed him. Now he's coming to find them.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah. But at some point there's a conversation where he's like, oh, you don't have to come after me.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I'm right here.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'll find you. I'll find you. That's that one that's going on.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

What do you think of this Die Hard in Russia?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The last Die Hard was horrifically bad, really horrible.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The Justin Long one? Yeah, really bad.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Because it was sort of one of these movies. They have movies, and I don't like it. Like, I will accept a movie where the cops exist, and I will accept a movie where the cops don't exist. Like, there's certain movies where cops just don't exist. Like, we have long shootouts in the apartment building and nobody ever shows up. Like, no cops ever showed up. And then there's ones where someone goes in and out, two minutes, and then the cops are pulling up in front of the bank. And the cops do exist. So there's like, cops do exist. Cops don't exist. This is one of those movies like Drive, where the cops do exist. Like at the beginning of the movie and then somewhere in the middle, he's just going through Calabasas and these high speed car chases. But there's no cops. At some point, the cops fall off of the movie.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

There has to be rules within the universe you're creating, or else it's just bullshit.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. At the beginning of, like, Drive. And it's the same thing with this Bruce Willis movie where it's like, there's cops. Like, you go, come on, we gotta get outta here. And these guys are showing up three minutes, and then at some point, they just decide to take over the power plant. And then they blow up the power plant. And they have all these super horrible graphics where the guy goes, I'm gonna hit the reverse capacitors and blow up the power plant. As if the power plant has some sort of capacity. Like I always say, like, Jacuzzis don't go up to 700 degrees. Because there'd be lawsuits. Like, why would you need to boil a chicken in a Jacuzzi? It just needs to get up to about what would be comfortable for a human being, but not past that. There needs to be no skull and crossbones setting on a Jacuzzi because, again, there'd be lawsuits. But at a certain point, I go, I'll just dial this in and we'll blow up the. We'll blow up the power plane.

[Bill Simmons]

And Sharpie says, do not turn to the setting.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

Someone wrote it down there helpfully.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And there's, like, scenes of, like, the car bashing through and hitting, like, the, you know, hitting the chick in the belly and her flying off the. Hanging down the elevator shaft and hanging on with one hand and, like, pulling herself up. She just got run over by a car at 50 miles an hour.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Like, I've run back all the die hards. One is amazing. One still holds up. It's like 25 years old. It's still great. Two is even worse than I remember.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, two is terrible.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's really like, grizzly.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The airport one.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Has there been a movie with skinheads in an action movie that actually, like, worked out like the Neo Nazis. It just has always failed. The Sam Jackson one is pretty good.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The third still holds up. And the Justin Long one is not good. And it's also, like, why. Who decided Justin Long was a star? I think it's the Drew Barrymore thing or something. I think they were together at that time.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I'm gonna turn in my man card for a second.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Go ahead.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He's not bad in the Drew Barrymore movie.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, okay.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The long distance dating movie.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I haven't seen it.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Not a bad rom com.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you feel about the phone Sex scene.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, I don't like any.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I don't like any phone sex, Skype sex scenes.

[Allison Rosen]

He turned in his card for a little while.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I'll turn in my card.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, last action thing.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It really bothers me that Mel Gibson became so crazy for a lot of reasons, but it's ruined the Lethal Weapons. You can't watch Lethal Weapons again because the whole time you're thinking like, did he hate the Jews back then when he made this movie, or was it like a later development for him? I can't get at it. Of that zone of how heat filled he is.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, also, he would have done probably four more of those if he wasn't just doing the weird Christian based stuff. Like, you kind of wonder the real loser here is Danny Glover. Because it's like the rest of the guys in Guns N Roses. Like, come on, Axel, did you have to go insane? You know, much money we could have fucking made touring. We could just play Vegas, right?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Anyway, I think he made a lot with the last one.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But you're right, at least two Axl did.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

No Danny Glover.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But I'm just saying, Danny could have. They could have done five more of these things. Except for he had to go all Axl Rose on everyone's ass.

[Michael DeBar]

It was weird.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He was at the Golden Globes last night at Jodie Foster's table when they gave her the award, and she's like, there's my rock, Mel Gibson. And I was like, how many chances does this guy get? I thought he was out after like the third to last time when he disgraced him.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, he got. Allegedly got sober also.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Is that what it is?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, there's a little bit of this too. And this is how we kind of do it. There's obviously 17 hours of tape of him going, you fucking country. I'll fucking. I'll rip your fucking labia out and wear it like a bow tie. Like I'm in the fucking Nation of Islam. You fucking.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah,

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

so there's 17 hours of that and everyone's like, oh, my God, this guy's an animal. And then we got to know the lady a little bit and we're like, I'm not saying it's okay to talk to a woman like that, but if there was one you were going to talk that way about, maybe it would be her. You kind of did that. So his shit got a little softer because we got to know the kind of.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's almost like he did so many different things that people can't even keep track of everything that happened. That's another thing too be like, oh, there's Mel Gibson. I can't even remember what he did anymore. Right. Whatever. Jodie Foster seems happy he's there.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you see the look on his face when she looked at him? He looked like, where am I? What's going on? He had the most blank look on his face.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

He's heavily medicated.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I think he has like a Nicoderm patch like on each arm and under a sack. That's number one. It's more easily absorbed. I'm not a doctor, but Drew told me once you put one on your sack right to the blood.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So she had Robert Downey jungle butt

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

chugging a Nicorette patch. Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Robert Downey Jr. Introduced her. Mel Gibson was by her side.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's quite a combo, right? Yeah. There's some people that have spent some interesting time in Malibu. Both of them have had their shares. Heartache in Malibu.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Last but not least, Mike Tyson. All the years of support and guidance.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I gotta tell you, I've never interviewed or spoke to Mel Gibson. I do not believe Robert Downey Jr. I have on a couple of occasions.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Super smart, right?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Super smart, super friendly. And when he's sober, nobody better. No nicer guy. No.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Any one of the all time weirdest careers. A Saturday Night Live cast member when he was like 18.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And just bursting with talent. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll do the news with the fair to Midland Bill Simmons next. Adam Garage. Yeah. Back with Bill Simmons website Grantland.com the podcast the BS report. You just subscribe on I iTunes. You can tweet him billsimmons.com Bill, I haven't really talked about your success and your sort of self made success and the example of just doing what you want to do and sort of creating something before it exists and all that. But all I know is I was hanging around with Jimmy when he was saying, are you? Well, he never asked me if I read anything. He knows about reading. But he would say if you could

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

read, if you could read, would you?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You would love this guy. Bill Simmons column. He's on the, he's blogging. It's amazing. And I didn't even know what the computer was back then. And that was, you know, 2001, 2002. And then Jimmy brought Bill out to write on his show because he was so impressed at what he'd been reading. But how did it start for you?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Adam was the first one of Jimmy and Adam greeted me when I moved to LA in 2002. So Adam, he lost interest in me in about one minute and then immediately went into some rant about something. I launched my own website, I think, in 97. I had been trying to break into sports writing. And back then, there was no Internet, basically, and it was just newspapers. And there was just no way to move up because the unions. You can't get a job unless other people retire. And I just created this online sports column and did that for four years and then got hired by espn.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So, again, nobody was paying you or underwriting this.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The first, like, three months, I was making $50 a week, and I was bartending.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Who was giving you $50 a week?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

There was a site called Digital City Boston, which was on aol. So you can only read if you're on aol. So any of my friends who didn't have aol, I had to, like, mail them the column by email.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But the point is, the product was there, and people would start discussing it and sharing it and spreading it around, eventually getting to guys like Jimmy Kimmel and other people like that, becoming big fans. But you were. And everyone, I'm sure, says to you, well, did you know this was gonna work out? And obviously, it's impossible to know this would work out.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

No, but it's a little like when you started. You know, it's these little baby steps that you kind of hope will lead to something bigger, but you don't know. Yeah, like, you were training Jimmy with boxing, then you started going on K Rock with a character, and you were hoping it would lead to something. You had no idea it would end up someday with you being in your own porn movie.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Sure. But my feeling is just, even when it comes to this podcast, people are, oh, did you know? Did you know? Did you know it was gonna be successful or whatever? And I said, academic. I was just gonna do it anyway. Like, you were gonna write about sports anyway.

[Allison Rosen]

How did you start getting people to read it? I mean, how did it spread?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It was like. Well, some people could see it on aol, but then it, after a while, became word of mouth. And the problem with the Internet in the late 90s was there wasn't a lot of people on the Internet. And it was like. People like my dad, like, had no idea. No.

[Allison Rosen]

And if someone in your house is on the Internet, then you couldn't receive phone calls, right?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It was. Yeah. And you're, like, hooking up through a phone line, all that stuff. So then gradually, once people could get the Internet at work, things started to change. And then by, like, 2000. It was, it was much easier to get seen.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But, but, but ultimately, if you think about it, everyone wants to know, what's the hook? What's the deal? How do you do it? Who do I talk to? Who do I impress? And it sort of, yeah, it's sort of in and out burger. Here's what you do. Make a really good product, make it really consistent and try to do it

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

before other people do a similar idea or whatever. Like try to get to that spot before other people do.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

There's 1,000 burger joints in n out just happens to make a slightly better one and people know it and they come back for more if they tasted one and it sucked. If they read one of Bill's columns and they're like, what's the big whoop? You have a choice, meaning somebody. It's word of mouth. So somebody's going to pass this thing on to somebody and that person's going to read the column and they're going to go, either wow, you're right, this is awesome, or they're going to go, eh, this sucks. And if they say it sucks, no more passing it on. But if they love it, then it gets passed on and it keeps going.

[Allison Rosen]

It sounds like what you're saying is worry less about success and just worry about putting out a good product.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Worry about the product because I always say the universe doesn't know who you are and doesn't care. It's not cruel and it's not going to reward you unjustly. 5% of people get a break who don't deserve it, but that gets evened out. 5% get ignored when they're really talented and we're all in between in that 90% somewhere. And it's all basically merit based.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Adam was the second podcast guest I ever had in 2007. I really wanted a podcast because I had heard the Celtics GM give some 20 minute interview. I was like, wow, that's a lot of time for an interview. That's cool. How do I get one of those? The first one I had was a CSP and NBA writer named Mark Stein. We went a half hour with Tuck Celtics. The second one, Adam came to my house, my old house, to your garage. Somehow we couldn't. Even though he was in the man cave with me, we couldn't do it together. He had to call in. So he was on a phone.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I was pacing around your driveway and

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I think you might have done pedophile. And we went on for like an hour and a half and by the end of it I was like, wow, that actually might work. Like, people listen to that on the Internet. Like, I specifically remember, like, you pacing and thinking, like, this podcast thing might have potential.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's so weird because I did do Bill's podcast and do, do Bill's podcast, but I did remember now I'm now picturing you at your first house.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

This little, like, beaten up little metal receiver.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They sent me pacing up and down the driveway because I couldn't stand in the same room with him and talk into the cell phone. I think it would hear his voice over my cell phone.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

When I walked up and down the driveway, just back and forth for 90 minutes talking on his cell phone.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

That was so stupid.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Here's how in love with the sound of my own voice I am. I just got done doing a four hour morning radio show, and somewhere at 95 minutes, Bill said, we have to wrap it up. And I was like, one more minute.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, to be fair, that was the Bonaduce era. So you probably talked for about 20 minutes.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You were so delighted to have a live body that you liked talking to during that time. It was great. I was like the other woman.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes, Yes. I had so much love to give. All right, Allison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Do some quick news, baby girl.

[Michael DeBar]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes times as bad as Alison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison. Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, so we talked about Golden Globes yesterday, but just wanted to talk a little more about the Globes because at the time that we were doing the show, not all of the winners had come in, but Argo won best movie, Les Miserables won best comedy or musical, and Ben Affleck won best director for Argo. But he will definitely not be winning that at the Oscars because he was not even nominated for the third category.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You know what else he won? J. Lo presenting. Ah. Remember, he was like, J. Lo broke up with him. He was really hit rock bottom. Now he's there with his hot wife. Jennifer Garner. He's a golden glass. He's like, hey, J. Lo, how you doing?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, let's talk about Jagar.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Jagar.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you find her to be that hot? Because I don't. Jennifer Garner.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's a tough one because she's a mom. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you not allowed to?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I don't know. She seems like a good mom. Like, I think of her as a mom now. I don't think of her as, like, the hacker from Aliens.

[Bill Simmons]

You have to calibrate Bill scale because he thinks Jennifer Aniston is super hot.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Oh, no, not true.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Jennifer Garner is very pretty.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Very pretty.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

But I don't know if she's Alias.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You're not seeing the Jennifer Garner thing. She has crazy plump lips and she has these sort of dimples and these blue eyes. She's incredibly. Her face is amazingly pretty.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Remember before Kimmel became super famous and started hanging out with celebrities all the time? He had a little crush on Jennifer Garner. And she came on the show once.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Medium cute. Medium. Medium to large. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Now he'd probably vacation with her in St. Barts.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. I found. I don't know if she'd make the cut. Maybe Ben was there. Is Ben coming? I find her to be a very attractive woman and a sort of bring her home to mother. Not my mom. She doesn't give a shit. But bring her home to mother.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone else's mom.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill's mom.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Bring her home to Bill's mom.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah. Okay. She looks pretty there. I stand corrected.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

She looks pretty most places, I find. But there's chicks that are. There's chicks that are overrated. But she's not on that list of overrated.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I made the mistake of watching the Globes. Jennifer Lawrence was talking to somebody, talking to a guy. And I said to my wife, oh, Jennifer Lawrence talking to a guy. I feel jealous.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, you gotta watch it.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

She was like, yeah, why do you feel jealous? Didn't go over well. I was like, I don't know. I think I have a little crush on her. You talk about guys all the time. My wife, all she does is talk about how hot this guy is. That guy is the bad. The new bachelor. The shirt off, Sean.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, God. Your wife thinks he's like.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Well, she was like, oh, Shawn's got a nice body. I'm like, so I can't say I like Jennifer Lawrence.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm having trouble even getting through the Bachelor this.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I think the difference is they know you would like to do something about it.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Versus we know there. Or at least we're not supposed to know that they would actually do anything about it.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Unless it was Bruce Springsteen.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. In which case. And by the way, that'd be fine. I think it's probably exciting.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

It's probably already happened.

[Allison Rosen]

Evidently, someone wants to call in to my podcast. Who? His wife gave him a hall pass and he used it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, he used it.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Wow.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You don't use the hot Pass.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

How much money does he make?

[Allison Rosen]

I have no idea.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And does he live in California?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

There's been two questions I have.

[Allison Rosen]

No, Gary knows. Gary knows the details.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah, Gary's shaking his head.

[Adam Carolla]

He does not live in California.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I can't. What happened to me is my way back in the day, Natasha Henstrich came on Loveline, like on mtv.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I like this song.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Came on and it doesn't get much better than like a 23 year old Natasha Henstrich. No, no. And Canadian. So cool.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Like almost like a young Adrian Peterson.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Like running in the.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Running around the football field.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right, exactly. Sorry, Just say in the looks department. And super cool and Canadian. So smarter than us and likes to drink beer. And at some point my buddy Ray massaged out of her because Ray has to do that with everybody. And I don't know how he did this. He was at a barbecue with her that back in the day, she had a little crush on me and definitely would have gone out if I'd asked, which made me sad. Oh, my sad.

[Bill Simmons]

I know.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I had the same. I had the same feeling.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The only problem was Ray was doing the breathing game with her.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

When she admitted this, I explained people how he used to suffocate people at Jimmy Kimmel Live. Yeah, find a picture from Alien. I mean, sorry, Species. So I was like, holy shit. I showed a little too much enthusiasm about this.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Wife didn't like it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, she didn't know about it until I got home that night. And for some reason Species was on and I went ahead and tivoed it. And by the way, when they do that thing where it's like they try to talk about the aforementioned J. Lo and how beautiful she is, or as we always talk about Mila Kunis or something like that. Natasha Henstridge. That's what a hot 23 year old chick looks like. So somehow I had.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I had decided to TiVo species just because Ray had got me whipped up about Natasha Henstridge. And then my wife wanted to know why was tivoing Species. And I was like, you know, just because.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

And why. There was a bottle of Astroglide and big thing of Kleenex where the TV

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

was medium sized pile pyramid. And then later on on my home improvement show, they had taped, you know, us talking about Natasha Henstrich and all that kind of stuff. So that's. That's. But I. That's about as close as Lynette. She's not a jealous person. And obviously I didn't do anything but still, that thing where you find out that Natasha Henstridge wanted to date you at some point and you snap a pencil in front of your wife. Not what they want, not what they're looking for.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Lynette got you back when probably the last seven times she's seen Bruce Springsteen.

[Allison Rosen]

17.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I'm sure I didn't want to know what happened with the Boss, big man.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I got Lynette. Let me tell you. I feel like she would be, you know, like, there's times. You know, there's times when you're happy for people. Like at the end of Rudy, you know what I mean? That would be her Rudy. The Boss banging her would be her Rudy.

[Allison Rosen]

So you'd be happy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I feel like I would say you're a good husband.

[Gina Grad]

Then I feel like I would do,

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

like, a slow clap, you know, I'd

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

be the same way about my wife with Eddie Vedder.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

I don't even think I'd be that mad.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I wouldn't either.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

You did it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'd do the slow.

[Allison Rosen]

I need to start planting some seeds now.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'd do the slow, slow clap, like, up in the stands, and I'd be like Jon Favreau in the stance of. Like, a fat Favreau. Just in the stance of put out £100. Slow, slow clap. I would, but I'd also let it be known. Now I get to fuck Graham Parker or John Hyatt or Natasha.

[Bill Simmons]

Fair is only fair.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, fair is fair. Heard about fair play.

[Allison Rosen]

So at the Globes, also, another moment that everyone's talking about and we talked about a little bit. Jodie Foster's speech she received.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I know before Bruce comes, he goes, two, three, V.

[Allison Rosen]

Or do you think it takes him, like, four hours?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm sure everything he does is four hours sliding across the bed in his jeans.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Jodie Foster.

[Allison Rosen]

So she gave a speech to receive the Cecil B. DeMille Award, and people are saying that she came out in this speech.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now, hold on. Hold on one quick second. He used to be Cecil B. DeMille, even though his name is Cecil. Right. We're screwing it. We got an Ian. Ian Ziering situation going here.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, now you're speaking my language.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Movie people, smart people, always change the name of somebody. Like Owie said.

[Allison Rosen]

We do do that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's Carnegie hall, and then it's the Carnegie Foundation. The Carnegie Mellon foundation, if you go to npr. Well, which is it? Cause it's the same dude. I don't know what dude has two different last names. But my whole life, it was Cecil B. DeMille. And I don't know if it's become Cecil.

[Allison Rosen]

I might have.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, it's still at Cecil. Okay. All right. Just making clear, because we will swap Khan and Can back and forth and things like that. All right. But it's still Cecil.

[Allison Rosen]

At my school, the mascot was Cecil Sagehen. So perhaps I just transposed it in my head.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm talking about instilling fear in the hearts of an opponent.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

On the record, it is iron searing.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It is Ian Ziering. I know, but I wonder if Cecil and Ian would ever get together and just laugh their asses off. Because my name is spelled Cecil. That'd be a very special name. And your name is spelled Ian. But we just fuck with people. And Cecil is Cecil. Right? He just went with Cecil. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

What a dick.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What a nasty.

[Allison Rosen]

So Dick DeMille, she received his award. And people are saying that in her speech, which was long and heartfelt, she came out. She did not actually say that she was gay, but very, I mean, very much alluded to it. Yeah, but she set it up as if she was going to. She was like, I have something to, you know, to say. It's taken a lot of time for me to say, and I'm brave and blah, blah, blah. But she's. And she's like, what I want to tell you guys is I'm single. And then she talked a lot about privacy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Don't you. At a certain point, like, doesn't your life sort of out you. Yeah, like. Like 50, never married, no kids. Like, I mean, adopted kids or whatever it is. But I mean, that dude who's like, should be like, we should be seeing Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry should be fucking his way through this town. Like, he's a big black dude, single, and he should be having his way with every fucking starlet. And he's a billionaire, like on the planet or whoever. You pick the good looking, rich, single dude. And when you kind of find out they're not up to anything, you kind of go, well, let's just do a math. Like there's a math that will out you. I don't know if Tyler Perry's gay, but I'm saying there are guys who like, all right, name. All right, you got your John Mayers and you got your. You got just about look when you have a cruise. When you have a straight dating actions all the time. When you have straight dudes who are good looking and can't. I mean, the guy who can get pussy, whether you run a used car lot or you're Russell Crowe or whoever you are. Like, if you can. Well, not Russell Crowe, but who's the guy? Who's the guy came in and monitored me?

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, Jerry Butler.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Jerry Gerard Butler. Gerard Butler? Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I call him Jerry.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. If you're Jerry B. If you're Gerard Butler and you're heterosexual and you're single and you can get tons of hot, young Hollywood pussy, then guess who gets tons of young, hot Hollywood pussy. But if you're.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Is it Gerard Butler?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes. Good answer. But if you don't, then do we ever really have to do the math on you? Like in the boy band, when all the other guys are banging the groupies and you just kind of go to your room and want to be left alone? Something's going on.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Right. Here's my problem with Jody's speech, because, first of all, it was very hard to understand what was going on. Even though it was a very intelligent, passionate speech. I didn't totally understand what her point was. But she seemed very angry at Hollywood for, like, robbing her childhood, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. She said that. She's like, I did come out to close friends to this. To this. But she was saying she's not gonna do it publicly because she doesn't want her life to be a reality show. She's not Honey Boo Boo.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

She's not gonna reward the system and her privacy, which is all fine. Like, I get it. But the only thing is, like. Like work in a coal mine for 50 years, you know? I hate when people in Hollywood do the. Oh, Hollywood, the industry, it grinds you down. It's so tough. It's like. It's really not. You get to do what you love to do for a living. You get paid.

[Allison Rosen]

I think she was like, haven't I given you people enough?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Find a young. Find a youngish Paul Williams and then a super young Jodie Foster, because you'll see the same human being now. Not Paul Williams, the black fighter, by the way. Also, the Golden Globes is a fast. It's basically a jack fest where everyone sits around and congratulates each other on how difficult this profession is. Yeah, it's brave, really. You don't have to be that brave. And it's not really that difficult. There's certain parts of it.

[Bill Simmons]

Unless you've acted.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Is there a better, easier job than acting?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No. I'm gonna go to my trailer.

[Allison Rosen]

Remember a page of dialogue choices?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No. It's kind of easy now. Once in a while, you see Christoph Waltz or you see Jeremy Irons. Do something. Or you see.

[Allison Rosen]

Or Taylor Lautner in your movie or

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Taylor Lautner in my movie. And you go, okay, that's a hell of a performance. But then like I said, there's Alan Arkin and Alan Arkin is playing Alan Arkin. And Adam Carolla could play Adam Carolla or Alan Arkin. It's no big deal. Like, there's a lot of no big deal in the acting. And that is. That is what 95% of it is. That wasn't a nice thing to say. That wasn't designed to make me feel good. That's him being him, which is every movie where he's the only person who

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

plays a different guy every time. Vin Diesel.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right. He's the only one in the range

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

because he measures his life a quarter mile at a time.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

We're very close to fast six, by the way.

[Adam Carolla]

Ace.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, boy, That's a date.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

We're less than six months away.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's a date.

[Allison Rosen]

Now let's talk about a story that I can't get out of my head because it is so, to me, Sad and upsetting. 45 year old twins from Belgium, born deaf. They discovered that they were losing their sight, so they petitioned.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Hold on, I need Jodie Foster with bangs. Thank you. Not from Foxes. What are we doing in the news? All right, sorry. The twins, the twins, the deaf twins,

[Allison Rosen]

they're deaf, losing their eyesight. So they asked the state to be euthanized because that's legal. And so they were both put to sleep essentially by lethal injection.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And the crazy thing is that there was. I mean, their health wasn't in danger. It wasn't something that was going to kill them. But they said that they couldn't stand it almost makes me want to cry. I don't know why they couldn't stand the idea of not being able to see each other.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. They lived together and they both had the same job. They were cobblers. I didn't even know people call it that anymore.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, so they. I guess you'd really need sight though, to fix shape.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

By the way, if you're a cobbler and somebody says, yeah, cobble together enough money to go buy tickets at the Van Halen. I wonder if that offends you.

[Allison Rosen]

Probably.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

If that's offensive, like cobbling. You understand this is my chosen profession and for you, you're just cobbling together money so you can buy some weed, right?

[Allison Rosen]

What, with spit? Cause we use epoxy and.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

But really you would need your eyesight to Fix shoes.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So is this your nominee for most depressing story of 2013? And from this point on, somebody has to beat this.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You can't beat this.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm throwing down the gauntlet. Is this sad and upsetting or is it just me? And they had a whole bunch of family who like, said that this was what they wanted and stuff, but I just feel like.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, all right, couple things. First off, thank Christ there's no government sponsored hit list here because cousin Sal would definitely put you on it as a goof all the time. He at least put Jeff Ross on it every other month, you know what I mean? And like government guys would show up and he'd try to argue with them. I didn't sign that paperwork. I didn't put my name in. That's cousin Sal doing that. This is weird. And it's one of those things where I'm all for the, like, I'm all for the dying with dignity stuff. Like, look, you're 85. You have advanced Lou Gehrig's disease. You're degenerating. You know, you're scared you're going to choke on your own saliva in the middle of the night and go out in some horrible way. You want to say goodbye to your grandkids and then drift off into this endless sleep. But the 45 year old dudes whose body is in pretty decent shape. Sad. On the other hand, blind and deaf, unless you can really play the fuck out of some pinball, is going to be a tough road. And that is. I mean, you really gotta love pinball.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

You gotta play a mean pinball.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Really gotta play mean pinball. And that's gonna just be fucking brutal. No Jodie Foster with the bangs, huh? I feel like there's a lot of pictures. No, I need bangs.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Adam would choose to die with just

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I need Jody with bangs. Not bowl of sand.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Adam would choose to die with just an intravenous better man drink of Mangria. He'd like kill himself with his own product.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he might do that anyway.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Dr. Drew, not a bad idea. Supervises. Get out the 10 gallon butt funnel and put the better man in there. And let's don't do the maple rye. I want regular Canadian rye, you understand? Bill's.

[Allison Rosen]

If you did that, would you want your ashes to be kept in a butt funnel?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes, Big butt funnel. Bill's wife was drunkenly running out to the front yard with an a frame ladder and picking lemons off the tree. Love her.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

That's true. Love her.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

She can do whatever she wants with Eddie Vedder as far as I'm concerned. All right.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Within reason.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So they flip the switch like they did lethal injection. They got them both. Jesus Christ.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, this detail just wrecks me as well.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Wait, this story gets worse.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Evidently they had a puppy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They had a St. Bernard puppy.

[Allison Rosen]

And a duckling.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And a duckling. And they took them down, too, in their own.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, they wanted to die with their pets. This part. That part is not true.

[Gina Grad]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

They shared a cup of coffee. Or maybe they both had coffee, but they shared coffee.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'd go decaf in that one particular situation.

[Allison Rosen]

But if you really want coffee to be your last drink. Decaf. That's what I was thinking.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You know, I would do. I wouldn't do Sanka. I'd do something a little better. And I would be. The one time I'd opt for decaf. I'd say, you know what? I don't need to be a bundle of nerves while they're trying to hit that vein.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. So they had coffee in the hallway and they had a meaningful conversation, and then there was like, evidently a little wave of their hand. And then.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I need young Jody. I need young Jodie Foster.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

What would have been the last movie you watched, Adam? Cliffhanger.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, the last movie.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Last movie before you died.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Last year, obsessed with Jodie Foster. There's.

[Allison Rosen]

I swear someone else was, too.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I swear to God. There's. Yeah, there's. There's eight year old, seven year old pictures of Jodie Foster with Bangladesh.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what I think you should do, Adam? I think you should bring people in here and then fire them when they can't find photos. Because I would like to see this get interesting.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, I found a couple decent shots and they'll work with the Paul Williams one. But there's a couple with her with the bangs. And Paul Williams with the bangs.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Right now the FBI is monitoring the studio because somebody's been frantically searching for seven year old Jodie Foster.

[Allison Rosen]

There's someone who just said they're obsessed with Jodie Foster.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Late 40s Jodie Foster.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Send the cops down to Glendale.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, no, no. Give me an earlier one. Give me an earlier one. I'll take the second one you showed me. I'll take the second. I'll take the second one. Oh, you know, it's the glasses. It's Jodie Foster with the. She used to have those glasses. All right.

[Bill Simmons]

Like Taxi Driver glasses.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

That's pretty good.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, show me that one. That's pretty good. There's no. Isn't Taxi Driver. Show me. All right. Well, anyway, there's a young Jodie Foster and a. I don't know how old Paul was. No one knows how old Paul Williams is. Pretty good, but I can do. There's still a bangs Jodie Foster. And there may be bangs and glasses. Jodie Foster.

[Allison Rosen]

When you first said Paul Williams, I thought you meant Paul Reubens, and I did not know how they were gonna be the same person, but I was excited to see now.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now you're with now one of the greatest songwriters.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Do you know about Adam's weird thing where he'll tell whoever the parents are that their kid looks like somebody and it's not even that flattering, but it won't stop him because he has to let them know?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, it's not even that flattering. It's insulting most of the time.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

At the time, you let Carson Daly's new wife that their baby looked like Patton Oswald. That was my favorite.

[Allison Rosen]

It must be a cute baby.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, I know.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

But much of that as a compliment to both Patton and the baby. I don't know if the wife took it that way.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

With those genes, though, the kid's gonna be beautiful. And then there was cousin Sal's kid

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

you said looked like Clint Howard, Ron Howard's brother, who is cast as the

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

lunatic in but people don't. Oh, I also said Joe Kleko. I mean, to be fair. To be fair to me. And people don't. And I said a gentle Ben. Clint Howard. Not crazy. Not crazy. Night Shift, you know, Clint Howard or Apollo 13 or whatever the hell. Whatever movie he's in. All right, let's bring this one home.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Ticketcont. And now let's get started.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Jodie Foster. All right, you got 60 seconds to find or else with Jodie Foster.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Don't.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You know what, Mike? Don't worry about what I say about Jody Foster. Follow your heart. I want you to follow your heart here.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

The FBI is now my.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Follow your heart. All right, I want to thank David Wilde for coming in here. Help him beat Rick Springfield. Tweet him at Wild About Music. Bill Simmons.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Wait, I have two plugs.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Ah, okay.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

One. You and I have filmed some Grantland Channel YouTube stuff.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Including we broke down ABC promos from 1970s Ernie Anderson. Someone's killing Showgirls, and Dan wants to know why.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, that was fun. We did that.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

We also broke down just recently the greatest fight ever. The greatest round ever. Ron Lau versus Ernie Shavers.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You see that?

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Grant. YouTube. And then Wednesday night NBA show halftime in pregame.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, forgot me.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Magic Jalen and Michael Wilbone, 7:30 ESPN.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Really good and forgot to get that on my plug list. Also Grantland.com and the BS Report. Subscribe on itunes. My pleasure, Bill.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

So pleasure.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Until next time, this is Adam Corolla or David Wild. Bill Simmons, Allison Rosen and Paul Bryant. Insane Mahala. Does anyone need a blow job?

[Bill Simmons]

All right, that's adam k. Show 992.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Coming up next, we have adam k

[Bill Simmons]

show 1529, michael debar along with gina

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

grad and brian bishop from 2015. O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, o'reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with o'reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online. So you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson, stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam

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[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix trilogy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

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[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm the king of the world.

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[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Good to see you again, Gina Grand.

[Gina Grad]

Good to see you as well. Welcome back.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And Bald Brian, I'm admitting I'm a homosexual cross dresser.

[Bill Simmons]

A very embarrassing revelation from your fill in guest host Jim o' Hare, who

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I hear did a fantastic job filling in. I'm listening to the show for me. I Read the tweets. I've been running around so much, I haven't heard thing. Other than a bunch of really nice tweets for a really nice guy. Jim o'. Hare. I mean, we'll say one of the proudest things about roadheart is everyone I called just said, yeah, when? When are we going to do this? Which is nice in a town where you get a lot of douchebag agents and managers and publicists and that kind of stuff, and they're always kind of getting in between you and whatever the project is. I just sort of got hold of everybody and the people themselves. Their people are douchebags, but. But they themselves were just great to show up. And speaking of that, some really tragic news. Wendell Middlebrooks. Oh, Wendell Middlebrooks, yes. Who was in Road Hard and I think passed away at 36. Boy, what a sweetheart. Brian. I know you got to see him work, and anyone who saw Road Hard got to see him work a little bit, but you got to see him work sort of in person.

[Bill Simmons]

So what happened was when you were doing your CBS pilot was when I first got diagnosed, and I showed up and said hi to everyone and got to watch the pilot being taped, which is awesome. And everyone was very good in the pilot. You were great. Pam Adlon was great. Everyone was good. Wendell Myrtle Brooks was the wacky neighbor. He sort of had the juiciest role. He jumped off the. I mean, I saw him in person, but he jumped off the stage. He was an electric personality, and everyone knew what that one is. The Miller High Life guy. He was in the Miller High Life commercials and everything.

[Gina Grad]

A couple great episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[Bill Simmons]

Exactly. He was married to the transsexual. And I just came away from it saying, well, that was really good pilot. That was a lot of fun. Everyone's really good. Window Woodbrook is gonna be a huge star. Like, he was just electric on the stage. Everything he delivered was on point and better than it probably would have been with someone else.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And, oh, the sweetest guy. I was standing in front of the theater. The group. I just got back from San Francisco sold out three shows. With Road Hard, I was at the end of my whatever, and I was starting to go in this Middlebrook story, and I literally just broke down. I'm like, I'm exhausted. I love that guy so much. Why him? And I was just. I just became a heap in front of, like, 300 people. It turned to something else. I really. I couldn't let it turn. I just started Talking about how much I love that guy. Oh, I'm not getting Teary now at 36 years old. You know, it wasn't drug overdose or anything like that.

[Gina Grad]

He said, no foul play, nothing like that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now, the story with him and me is I had this pilot with cbs, and we wanted the neighbor, and the neighbor is going to be David Alan Greer. And that's good. Super talented, super funny, and I have a great relationship with the guy, and Dave could use a job. So this is going to be win, win, you know. And at the very last moment, Kevin Hench, the guy I did the partner with, partner, wrote the screenplay Road Hard with and directed with, and we did the. The CBS pilot. He said, have you seen that dude from the Miller High Life commercial? And I was like, yeah, because anyone who watches football has seen that commercial, you can always kind of tell what shows people watch. Like, the guy goes, nah, I don't know what that is. He's never seen a quarter of football. So I'm like, of course, those are heavy rotations. Yeah. And he's like, that dude's funny. Isn't he funny? And I was like, yeah, that guy is super funny. And he's like, well, maybe. I mean, I know we're going with Dag and everything, but maybe we should at least take a look at the guy. Oh, shit. Yeah. So we brought Wendell in just to have a look like, hey, such a funny guy in those commercials. You know, he's not gonna be better than Dag. Dag's Dag. You know, guy's done Broadway. Everyone liked Windle. So I had to have a super uncomfortable conversation with Dagger that there's a new black sheriff in town and his name is Wendell Middlebrooks. And so we brought him in, and he's a sort of. I don't know where he's from, but he's Southern nice, right? I mean, the Southern Comfort, the booze is well named. Those people genteel. They're Southern nice. They're genteel, and they're gentle, and they're just super friendly and easy. Always a smile on his face, always laughing, always having a good time. And so when it came. He's from the Fort Worth area. I'm now finding out. Friendly, salt of the earth. And so we shot the pilot, hoping it would go somewhere and he'd go somewhere with didn't. But he continued on to do other roles and things like that. And then, of course, when Kevin Hinch and I were going to do our next movie, we just thought of Wendell Again. And our point is, Dag was gonna be my best buddy in that movie because he was my age and he'd been on the road and blah, blah, blah.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe we take a look at Wendell.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, I didn't. Dag would have fucking stabbed me at that point, but we did. He's one of these guys that's so good that you want to just put him into anything that you're doing. He's basically like Parmesan cheese. You know what I mean? Like, let's sprinkle a little of that. What? It's a baked. It's a baked potato. Don't worry about it. It'll be better. It'll be better. And that's what Wendell was like. And we found that little bit where he's working the floor buffer. And it's always one of the biggest laughs of the movie. And he does. You know, he just does so much with what you gave him, you know, so he's gonna be missed. And that was some tough news to hear out on the road. So that's Wendell. Now back to crazy Mike August news.

[Bill Simmons]

I was gonna say you're on the road.

[Gina Grad]

There can't possibly be any.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, I'm traveling everywhere with Mike August, which is its own. Its own comedy. And we're traveling yesterday through the Burbank airport and Mike August, who's successfully circumnavigated the globe with a box cutter. A box cutter. Not something he uses to cut boxes open, but something whose title is box cutter. We have been traveling this universe with this box cutter that Mike decided right after 911 he should pack with him before he leaves for his next engagement. And I said, mike, I don't get why you need a box cutter with you. Because we're going to Portland, we're going to Seattle, we're going to San Francisco overnight. Then we're coming back following Lauren at

[Bill Simmons]

6:00am under our circumstances, does he need to cut anything, let alone boxes?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't know. I wish he cut himself. But he claims that there's all sorts of uses for his box cutter.

[Gina Grad]

Have you seen him pull them out once in a utility fashion?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, but to be fair, we part ways in the lobby. He may go upstairs and open a box of merch or something that gets sent to him. I don't know. But he seems to me to boxer. But I know he doesn't need it because none of us need. No one's ever said, oh, where's my box cutter? And then someone said, well, you can buy one down at the Sundries place in the lobby. So he. And I just marvel. I just marvel. I'm like, Mike, you pass through every single airport in this country with the weapon that was used to take down all three of the planes. Yeah, three. Right, right. All three of them. And you, you waltz four through. Four? Well, one crash.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

One's Pentagon. That's four, right? Yeah, all four. Theoretically, this was used to take them all down. You waltz through every. You go through Logan. I've been through Logan in Boston with Mike with a box cutter in his backpack.

[Bill Simmons]

You feel to be extra sensitive about that?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Never been stopped. Never, ever been stopped. Stopped until yesterday. Over a decade he's had this run. So he's come out ahead with his box cutter. Oh, he'll be back. By the way. Mike was incensed. Mike was pissed. I said, mike, what the fuck? You're carrying a box cutter too? He was pissed that he's gone through. Literally, it's not even the number of airports. It's like, we've done Sacramento and McCarran and we've done Boston, we've done JFK. We've done them all 30 times. There and back, there and back. I mean, we left Burbank with his box cutter. Burbank with his box cutter at least 128 times. And on the 129th time, he was stopped. And what he's pissed about is the in how random it all is. Now, he shouldn't be, but he's right, it's inconsistent. There's the take your shoes off. There's leave your shoes on. There's somebody told me to put my wallet back in my pants today. Like I was walking through the metal detector, just sort of holding my wallet. And they're like, sir, put the wallet. I believe that's them. If they could, they'd go, put your index finger up your ass and cry. Cry for me. Just go ahead and cry for me real quick. Okay, now go ahead. Or just, I don't know, do five push ups or tell me I've lost weight or compliment my frames. Just do something.

[Bill Simmons]

This would be very elaborate, but I just.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I know it's like I am passing by you. You must tell me to do something. I'm sure if my wallet was in my back pocket, you'd tell me to pull it out. I don't know what difference. The wallet. Going through the metal detector. What holding a wallet does.

[Bill Simmons]

Do something.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Do something for me.

[Bill Simmons]

Dance.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's what it is. You know, I didn't get laid in high school, but now you can dance. So Mike was incensed and vowed to be back with the box cutter.

[Gina Grad]

See, that seems like the wrong move at an airport to get all righteous indignation and vow to be back with a box cutter at the airport. I feel like they wouldn't cotton to that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He didn't make the proclamation to the tsa. To the TSA agent.

[Bill Simmons]

He promised it to the most important person himself.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's right.

[Bill Simmons]

He made it a victim.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He made it to me at the bar 18 minutes later. But either way, he will be back with his box cutter.

[Bill Simmons]

God bless. Good luck.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Man has a little something called grit. Also along the way, I got my phone destroyed by somebody that. It didn't. My phone wasn't broken. It was, like, destroyed. Like, somebody threw it on the ground. Woodchipper. Yes. Who was supposed to be charging it for me behind the counter at DC Theater. So. And it's tough when you're out on the road and you're in the middle of the road and you're traveling. You do not realize. I was sitting in my room trying to figure out how to dial Mike August cell phone from the landline that's

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

next to the bed.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And it's like, I've not used this device to contact anybody. I was pressing one and then pressing a cell number, but I realized there's a number I gotta press to get out of the hotel.

[Gina Grad]

You always have to dial 9 first.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes. And I found I was perfect. I was in Minneapolis. I had no phone. It was beyond recognition. And I called the front desk, and I was like, it's perfect. I was like, is there an ice store anywhere around here? And they're like, what? But itunes store. Mac store. What are those stores? Apple Store with the phones. The phones.

[Bill Simmons]

One of those is correct.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And then the guy's like, yeah, there's one, like, at the Mall of America or something. Or there's another one that's 2.6 miles from here. So then I go outside and I get in the cab, and I got the guy from Mozambique, you know, and he's like, what is the address? You know? And I'm like, Mac store. Istore. Phone store. Phone. Apple Store. Take me to Mac, Macintosh Phone store. Steve Jobs is this place around here. I need the Mac iPhone store. And he's like, I think. I know. Just driving me all over town. Then he drops me off. I've never even been in one of those places. And I come walking in, and there's a bunch of hip dudes that are holding tablets, and they're like, good evening, sir, or, good day, sir. What do you need? And I go, phone's broken. All right, hold on a second. Stand over there. Jesse should be with you in a second. I don't know what he's doing with this tablet. Then you go over there. Then it's Bill. Probably help you out a little better. And then I'm standing in front of the guy, and he's like, okay, who's your carrier?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What? Verizon, att? I don't know. What do most people have? I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

Do you play the odds?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. All right, do we have the. I think it was the zip code of the billing address. And I'm like, let me look. I know it's not my house. I don't even know what my house is. I don't know. Do you have. How much. Do you have insurance? How much time do you have on the thing?

[Gina Grad]

AppleCare.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

AppleCare. Do you have this, that, and the other? Like, I don't know anything. Steve Jobs here? I got this phone. It's smashed, you know? And the guy said, well, I can pull out the SIM card. I'm like, yeah. Now, meanwhile, I got the cab waiting for me outside. So I'm like, just. Yeah, could you just pull the SIM card out and put it in another thing? And I could get going over here. And he's like, what color would you like the new phone? I don't care. Champagne?

[Gina Grad]

Silver?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Don't care. Whatever it is. Hey, cool guy with the beard. You're too young for the beard. Just put this to the SIM card thing.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, you get with the beard, you fit right in.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And then the guy's like, all right, let me just get a little more information. And I'm like, I have no more information. I have no information.

[Gina Grad]

Does it involve a driver from Mozambique?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I can tell you that. Yeah. The meter's running, by the way. He's sitting in his car right now. I don't know anything. I don't know who the carrier is. I don't know, man. So it's funny. So now I'm buying the new phone. And he's like, would you like the AppleCare? And I go, no, I'm very careful with my phone. And he's looking at my phone, and smoke's coming out of it. Like, smoke's coming out. I was like, really? Because it seems like maybe something you could use. I'm like, okay, I don't want to get overly defensive about this. I Keep the fucking phone for five years. Five years. And then I turn it in and it doesn't have a scratch on it. The only reason this happens, by the way, my wife. The front glass lasts over, under. Does she make it back from the Apple store and into the house without the thing cracking? It's always funny when somebody does something lame to bust whatever device they have and then explain it to you. Like, they go, you go, jesus Christ, what's your phone a week old? The glass is already shut. Well, I put it on the roof of the car and drove to school with it. It's like, okay, that's not a better answer is escaped mental patient breaks into house, grabs it and slams it on the floor in front of me while I was showering.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, it's a story duct taped to a chair.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You put it on the roof of your car and driving away. It's not. That's kind of on you. I'd say that's on you.

[Bill Simmons]

That's your fault.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

People can be a lot of those stories. Well, you know what happened to my commuter mug? What happened? I threw it at a train, you know, like.

[Bill Simmons]

And the train was moving.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So, okay, well, that's preventable. It could be on you anyway. Not me. I turn my shit in. But this guy at the theater in D.C. i was on a 17 hour day. It was do Dan Patrick's. Let me lift my seat. You guys talk amongst yourselves, raise yourself

[Bill Simmons]

because I want to hear about the 17 hour day.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, here would be the problem. Here's the problem if in your mix the press stuff would go on all day. And then at the end of the press stuff they'd go, all right, well, it's been a long day and get a little rest, get back to the hotel room, maybe work out, grab a meal. And I'd go, oh no, I'm going to Caroline's. I got to do two shows. And then after Caroline's I got to go out to dinner with the backers. And so while I should be at this point getting some rest, comatose, it's a couple of shows and then it's the screening of Road Hard and then it's the Q and A afterward and then it's off to the place that's open. Horrible, horrible barbecue that's open until in Times Square, you know, the only place serving past one thirty kind of thing. And then it's walk back through the snow and get to the hotel room. But the car's picking you up at 7:10 to do the Dan Patrick Show. And that's, that's where the problem lies. It's that go to bed at 2:30 and Dan Patrick tomorrow, the guys, because

[Bill Simmons]

a long day, you can push through as long as there's some sleep on the other end. It's the five hours or less.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes, that was last night.

[Bill Simmons]

But you have this to look forward to.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So Dan Patrick in the morning, train to DC After Dan Patrick showing in dc, two showings in dc, Then ride to the airport, fly to Minneapolis, showing in Minneapolis, and then finish Minneapolis with the after hangout guys and whatever. But in between, phone destroyed, which was DC, I was on the road for 17 hours and I was like parked in the movie theater, saying to the manager, you know, my phone's pretty good, but I don't know if it's gonna make it 17 hours. You have a charger back there. And the guy put it on the charger and after the show when I was taking pictures and signing things and hanging out, he just handed it to me like almost in tears. And it just looked like he threw it against the brick wall. What happened?

[Gina Grad]

Well, you see, I took it and I threw it against a brick wall.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Let me explain why I am the best guy in the world.

[Bill Simmons]

Finally we get the explanation we deserve.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm the best guy in the world to fuck up his phone. But I'm a bad guy when I have to tell you something for the 18th time, which is this the guy who managed the movie theater in dc, I don't know, hey, Gary, Gary, go find that guy or somebody go find Gary. And then Gary, go find that guy. Gary, find that guy. See if we can find that guy. We'll try to talk to him on the phone. He can ask what my reaction was to him. Here's the way I'm wired. This guy does not have a vendetta against me or my phone. He did something, whatever he did, destroyed my phone. Did he do it on purpose? No, he did not. Do I need to know what happened to the phone that no longer exists? No, I do not. I need no answers on this. It means nothing to me. Whatever damage has occurred, has occurred. I'm the world's busiest person. This guy's apologizing profusely, which he doesn't have to do because he didn't do it intentionally. What drives me for fucking nuts and where I do become a prick is when I'm paying for shit or doing stuff and I'm saying to people, here's what I need to do and they're being lazy or they're trying to cut corners or whatever it is you try. And the guy was trying to charge my phone, and then he was trying to hand the phone to me. That's all he was trying to do. Somewhere along the line, that thing got backed over. Buy a fucking snowmobile. That was angry. But either way, I don't need to know he feels bad. I don't need to make him feel worse, okay? He already feels as bad as he can feel. And when he's handing me the phone, he's making proclamations of buying me a new one. That's academic. The money's not the issue here. What the issue is is I'm in D.C. then I'm going to Minneapolis, then I'm going to Chicago, and I have no way. I'm trying to do a lot of coordinating with Mike August and meet you in the lobby, and then we're going to thing, and I don't have a way to communicate with him. That's the issue. So money, not the issue. Intention, not an issue. He was trying to help me.

[Bill Simmons]

Fallout.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fallout.

[Bill Simmons]

Different story.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Different story. The longer we stay and have a conversation about what happened with the phone, the less time I have toward whatever

[Gina Grad]

it is to rectify the situation I'm

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

doing and to rectify the situation and because this will serve me nothing. Nothing. I didn't say a word to the guy. I tell him, don't pay for it. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then I moved on to going, what the fuck am I going to do? And how am I going to replace this phone? Thankfully, the airport in D.C. did not have the Apple Store, so that there was nothing I could do in the airport. And then when we landed in Minneapolis, that airport didn't have anything that's extra shitty.

[Gina Grad]

They even have vending machines with that crap in it, with phones, with tablets.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes. And I would not know what to do with any of it. And that was fucked up.

[Bill Simmons]

Did he want to. Did it occur to you that he maybe wanted to give you an explanation of what happened or that he thought that you. Because what you're saying is very practical and I know you, and so I know that just, like, move on problem solving mode. Do you think he felt, like, bad, like, I just want to explain what happened. You're like, doesn't matter.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we'll get him on the phone. Maybe we'll talk to him. Maybe his phone's destroyed and we can't. Oh, we got him online, too. Josh. Josh. All right. Line two. Oh, it's ringing. Oh, is he on?

[Bill Simmons]

Scare's calling him right now.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, well, that doesn't mean he's on. Means we're calling him, right?

[Bill Simmons]

It does say calling him now.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just looking at Kalin. All right, if he picks up, you can tell me, all right? Josh Levin. Josh, yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Hi.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Hi. You're the man who destroyed my phone. Yes, I am. All right, now, just so we can let everyone who assumes I'm a colossal douchebag all the time tell me in your. Just give me your account of our exchange. When you handed me my destroyed ph, I was so pleasantly surprised about how gracious and cool you were. What did I say to you and what did you say to me? Well, I believe what I said is.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm so sorry. I can't believe I just destroyed your phone. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I don't remember your exact words, but you were incredibly nice about it. Incredibly nice. Right, because there's nothing. The reason I'm very nice about that is because you didn't do it on purpose. No, I literally slipped on the ice. So you were.

[Bill Simmons]

You were ice in the club.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You were bringing the phone. There was snow everywhere and ice everywhere the whole time we were traveling. So you were bringing the phone out to me? That's correct. You had asked if I had a charger because you were low on power, so I was charging it behind the counter. And then your van arrived, and you were outside taking pictures with your guests, and you went to get in the van, and I saw you leaving. So even though I'm overweight and 46, I decided to do my OJ Simpson through the airport. Grabbed your phone, went running out yelling, adam, Adam, your phone. Your phone. And hit the top step up to the street and planted on the ice

[Bill Simmons]

and

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

basically fell flat on my ass. And the phone went skidding out of my hand and across the sidewalk.

[Gina Grad]

Josh, this favor cost you a tailbone.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Are you okay? Oh, yeah, no, I'm good. You know, I have a surgically repaired neck, so the titanium held.

[Bill Simmons]

He has apple care on his neck.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

So he's not good.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow. All right, so thank God you didn't yell at him. No one yell at anyone who makes a mistake, please. Can do yell at fucking lazy people who you repeat the exact same fucking sentence to over and over fucking again, and who are just being fucking soft and lazy and shitty or greedy or whatever. Don't yell at the guy who's trying to get the phone to you? Right? That's. Oh, Josh, you sent me a $300 Apple gift card. Yeah. I asked the guy at the Apple store how much it would cost to replace the front and back of a phone that had been thrown across the sidewalk. We came up about 300 short, but I bought the new like, 6 whatever with the jumbotron on it. But either way. I know. Look, Josh was very friendly. Josh begged to pay for it at the time and replace it and all that stuff. And it had nothing to do with that. Josh is a good guy. He showed road hard. And I know whatever Josh was doing was an attempt to help me.

[Bill Simmons]

Was this pre dinner? This is between the screening and the dinner with the backers.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, there is no. The dinners all turn into booze fest because by the time the screening.

[Bill Simmons]

Pretty late. That's a good point.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

There was no backer meeting in D.C. there was a backers meeting in Minneapolis, but by the time the show's over, all the restaurants are closed, but the bars are still open.

[Bill Simmons]

This is in D.C. on your way to.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay, this is on the way. And yeah, this is what. But that's where you're looking for the applesauce.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, thanks, Josh. I appreciate it. Sure. And again, I'm sorry about the phone. No problem whatsoever. I stepped up to the new one, but, my God, you guys have not really experienced that feeling of being a long distance from your home and not having a cell phone with you. It's a weird naked. How am I gonna. Who. What email? I'd sent a bunch of emails out to a bunch of, you know, Jimmy Kimmels and Alec Baldwin's and stuff like that. And a lot of them returned it. Returned an email. But I wanted to return it to them, but I couldn't return it to them.

[Gina Grad]

Did you go find a library?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Never. Never been to the goddamn.

[Bill Simmons]

And you have people to check into flights for you. Imagine you're, you know, weary traveler du jour and you track into flights or you're trying to get this done. Uber to the airport.

[Gina Grad]

Was Mike August very overly accommodating?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, my problem is I'm like some sort of, you know, in the Guinness Book of World Records, you see the Indian chick with the fingernails, they're 17 inches long, which basically says to the world, I do nothing for myself. That's me.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And when I'm traveling, it's like, Matt's got the itinerary, Mike's got the itinerary, Mike's checking into The. The planes, checking the flights, checking the rental cars, got the contact numbers from the. Whatever. I'm just going from place to place so I don't have any tools. I'm basically like, you know, if you raised a bear cub in captivity and then shoved them out into the forest, I'm totally fine.

[Bill Simmons]

You couldn't afford your own berries.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm standing in that Apple store, looking around, going, what the. What do I gotta blow to get a new phone over here? And then I'm like, what do you do, just mash them against each other? Or like, you get them to mate, Tape them. How's it work? You tape them to each other. And it was SIM card. And it was like, is everything on this? And, well, then the guy could have piped up at some point. It was the fastest 600 bucks a guy ever made his life. He's like, look, give me the phone. What color? That doesn't matter which one you want. Just give me the big one, wherever.

[Bill Simmons]

You have the most of this.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What I got the most. You want the covers? No. And literally, when I'm leaving, the guy's like, you want the box? And I said, no, I don't need the boxes. All I'm doing is I'm treating it like a pair of vans. I'm treating it like I just bought some shoes. And they're like, oh, what about the box? And you're like, I got a place to keep my weed. Like, I don't need the box. And I'm leaving and I'm still traveling. What do I need? My luggage is full. Like, what do I need a box for? Later on, somebody pointed out that the charger was in the box. Headphones could have been something. Could have been something that the fella brought up. He didn't say, do you want the earbuds and do you want the power cord? He said, do you want the box?

[Gina Grad]

Do you think he was just so defeated by being told no so many times in 10 seconds that he just stopped asking?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I think in his mind, because he lives in the vortex of that world, that there's no Philistine like myself who walks in there who does not know what that box contains. So when I'm saying I don't want the box, in his mind, I'm saying,

[Bill Simmons]

you want the accessories.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't want the accessories. Now, seeing as how he knows I don't know shit about anything because he's asking me what my billing address is. And I'm going, I got a piece of paper, my wallet here. Somewhere. Let me. You know. Who's your carrier? I don't know. I don't know what it. Name some. Maybe one will sound familiar. Get it off the SIM card. Like, seeing as how I've not had a suitable answer. Your mom's maiden name? I don't know. Something I don't know. Like, considering I'm the guy who's not tech savvy at all considered, I don't know who my carrier is, or I've not provided one answer yet, maybe I would fall under the category of the guy who wasn't sure what was in the box. And the box is not that big. It's just a box that I didn't need to pack in my mind. But he probably could have piped up and said, the charger for that device that you're taking is inside this power cord.

[Gina Grad]

I'm sorry, do you want to leave it at another movie theater so this one can get broken? Is that what you want to do?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Now, thankfully, the last plug worked on the new one as well, so. Always good. But, yeah, Apple. Guys, in the future, if someone's leaving without it, make sure. Just make sure that they know what they're leaving behind.

[Bill Simmons]

Size up your customers. There's the point.

[Gina Grad]

Do a little profiling.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, you just called it the box. Now, if I'm buying a refrigerator, I don't need the box. But if the power cord for the refrigerator and the manual for the ice makers in there, then please alert me to that fact. All right, sorry.

[Bill Simmons]

So it's not eventful.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, I could keep going and going

[Bill Simmons]

and going to spread these stories out.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, we need to spread them out. The other thing that drives me nuts about Mike August is we had a liaison. Our publicist in New York was a really sweet kid who made a mistake of telling me, never Mrs. WrestleMania. And he always takes his mom. Wow. Wow. Holy moly wow.

[Gina Grad]

It's intense.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But. But he's a real sweet kid. But he had a cadence. He had a talking cadence where he didn't go. He wouldn't say, I'm gonna go to the office. He'd go, I'm gonna go to the office. He'd go down on his last couple of syllables.

[Bill Simmons]

Dovetailism.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It was a weird way. All I could think of the whole time is, if you ever find Gary, if you can pull up the Bircham pilot, like the nine minute pilot. There's this part toward the end where Burcham has to go to sensitivity training and the counselor speaking to him. And he had the same Kind of thing. And me, Mike and Gary rode an SUV everywhere, everywhere with this guy for five days, non stop. And I would say, lee's got a weird cadence, doesn't he? Super sweet with a weird cadence. And Gary's like, yeah, what is that? Mike's like, huh? Like this cadence. You go down on it. I don't. I was like, you've been talking to the guy for 5,000 miles while we drive all around Manhattan for five days. You didn't hear the weird. I guess that weird goes down instead of up at the end. No.

[Gina Grad]

Well, it didn't involve a candy bar.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It didn't involve food. So my. But, Gary, you can back me up on the weird. Super weird. Nice, but super weird case.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, very, very nice, kid. But, yeah, the cadence was wildly noticeable.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And the fact that August just was

[Adam Carolla]

adamant that he had never noticed it was insane to both of us.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes. I had to revisit that with him again on the train. And he still, like, he stood by his guns.

[Gina Grad]

Were you losing words at the end or you could hear his whole sentence?

[Adam Carolla]

No, you could hear it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It was just a style.

[Bill Simmons]

We all know the illustrated girl version of this, which is I'm going to Starbucks. It's a. I've got a Frappuccino.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He would do like, I'm going to WrestleMania with my mom. My mom. Like, he'd go down. I can't explain it. It was just a weird cadence that.

[Gina Grad]

Let's get him on the phone.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Sweet guy. All right, we'll pull that up. I'll see if it reminds Gary of that. But, yeah, we. And, by the way, then introduced him later to Stone Cold Steve Austin, which blew his fucking.

[Bill Simmons]

Blew his mind.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Blew his mind.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fucking mind, like. Blew his mind. Blew his goddamn mind.

[Bill Simmons]

Made that kid's day.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right.

[Bill Simmons]

Mom was there.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, let's see. We showed the picture that Mike took backstage at the Upfronts. We put it up on the website, I think, but I don't know if you guys.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't think I've seen it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Ever. Saw the picture. Who the hell was I talking to?

[Bill Simmons]

Spike?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I was backstage talking to Ben Kingsley.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, Sir Ben Kingsley.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, I did hear about this, and

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I was talking about it on the podcast, but we were up on stage at Caroline's and Artie kept button in and all that kind of shit. We didn't really get to the story, but Kingsley, Sir Ben was just sitting there all alone in this weird, cavernous, dark, crazy place that you can only find in New York City.

[Bill Simmons]

Artsy loft type place?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, no, a bank. And we'll find a picture of it. This was a place that used to be a bank, but it looked like Grand Central Station. And, I mean, the ceiling within the tents, tapestries and frescoes and everything. Marble everywhere. And a ceiling that was like. When they used to do ceilings that were seven stories high just in one room. Just because they could. Like, now they would. It would be all. We're looking at a picture of it now.

[Bill Simmons]

That's opulent.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah. But here's the thing that was funny. People would say to me, people told me three times, this used to be a bank. And at a certain point, I was standing in a part of the room where they had the pen holders, but they were forged out of gold. It was like nine feet tall and all this stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

Excalibur.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And I was like. Like, it was back in the day where they would go, hey, you know where all your money's going?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Look at this.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now. Everyone was like, shit, get me a P.O. box. We'll do it online. Like, you know, it wouldn't work today because you'd walk in now and go,

[Bill Simmons]

how much did that chandelier cost overhead in this bank?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Literally. Literally a vaulted ceiling overhead with, you know, it's a Romanesque, and it is unbelievably opulent. And like I said, you'd go, well, this is where. How much money you guys making off of me that you can afford this in the middle of Manhattan? No one would ever do that anymore. But what were you talking to Sir Ben about? I was talking to Sir Ben because he was like, there was. The Rock was back there and LL Cool J, and everybody was back there and hanging and talking, and just John Krasinski and Stephen. What's his name from. Hello, ladies. And all the different guys, Dave Navarro. And everybody was.

[Bill Simmons]

Sorry. And this is the Spike TV upfronts.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah. They got huge cast coming out, all different shows, everything. Chrissy Teigen's out there, everyone's out there. And Sir Ben is just sitting alone. It's dark. Sitting on this, like, wooden bench, sort of tucked in a corner, tucked away. The place was dark. And he's just sitting there alone, and he's got his publicist next to him. And I'm like, I feel bad for the guy. I'm gonna go talk to him. I don't know. I know he's only a living legend of actor Ben. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So everyone wants to talk to Dave fucking Navarro.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I go talk to him. I love Dave Navarro. I love fucking Kingsley Ben Kingsley, so. Well, no, everyone's intimidating.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay? Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Everyone's scared. Chill.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I mean, the Rock standing there. The Rock scared. Everyone's scared.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Rock had to go for extra arm butter. He was so scared, he had to double down on the butter. He asked me if I had any paba with me. I said, no, I don't carry a fresh out of coconut butter. But he had to go back to the limo and get some more.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But either way, I think he's got a guy who does it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it's good. Publicist. How's that?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He's got a belt with the big vat on the side of it. Pulls out one of those cake frosting spatulas to stuff him up real fast, you know, because when he starts to dry out.

[Bill Simmons]

Thin coat.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. So everyone's scared to talk to Sir Ben. So I'm like, fuck it. I'm standing right next to the guy and I just start talking to him. And he turns out he's a little bit of a gearhead and he lives in England. I'm talking about the Goodwood Festival and coming out and doing shows out of September and that kind of stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

The Jaguar campaign was the big super bowl thing he did last year. He was the main guy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. And so he's talking about Spitfires and Lancasters, old British airplanes and stuff like that, and just getting into where he lives in England and spreading the time back and forth between Beverly Hills and all that kind of stuff. We have kind of a nice talk and I move on. We go somewhere else and we go through our rehearsals and talk to some other guys. And then we're getting ready to start the show. And they let all the press in and the place gets, you know, they're getting. We're getting ready to start. Start now. That's a huge place. And there's, I don't know, 500 people in the audience or whatever. And just because I think it'd be funny, I go back over to him and he's still sitting on the bench. So I just take a knee and I get down and I go, all right, Ben probably got some butterflies about now. I mean, you know, being up on stage for the first time, all that kind of stuff in front of Everybody, upwards of 500 right now. I'm a guy who's been on stage a lot, a lot. I'm not bragging, but I've been around a lot. I know how to handle myself on stage. And I know you're probably pretty freaked out about now, so, you know, Take some advice from a guy who's been on stage. Just look over the top. Just when you're looking out into the audience, don't establish eye contact with anybody. Just look over the top. Look over the horizon. Because if you look down, you see somebody, establish eye contact. You'll get nervous. It'll throw you off your game. You understand? He just sits there, pauses, and he goes, I'm going to look at the blonde girl. And I said, ben, you're making a huge mistake. And he said, I'm gonna look at the blonde now, by the way. He doesn't even know who's out there. So he's just fucking around at this point because no one's been on stage yet. No one knows who the blonde girl is. And I go, it's your funeral. I'm telling you. I've been on stage, I've been on stage a lot, understand? And I can handle myself on stage. You look down, you establish eye contact with the blonde girl. You're going to lose your place. You're going to get nervous. All you're thinking about, it's going to show, and you're going to crash and burn out there, buddy. And he's like, I'm going to look at the blonde girl. I said, ben, look. Look over the horizon. I'm not doing this. It's not a criticism. It's not a critique. I'm trying to help you. I'm gonna look at the blonde girl.

[Gina Grad]

I said, all right, yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And I know it'll be your funeral. And then he said later on, he said. I said, fine. Look at the blonde girl. And then I said, I'm gonna be down in September for the Goodwood Festival. I think that's in Chichester, England, outside of London. And he said, I think I played. I think I was at a theater in Chichester once. I said, yeah, well, serving popcorn, cleaning up. This is different. This is. On stage. It's a totally different animal.

[Bill Simmons]

People are gonna be looking at me.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They're gonna be looking at you standing back, serving them up refreshments. He was like, I'm looking at the plunge. I was like, all right. His publicist loved it, by the way, because I don't think anyone bothers with him. But the picture, it is. Did you take that or did Mike take that? Oh, yeah, yeah. I take that. Mike was eating.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

He doesn't.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Free food back there.

[Gina Grad]

Maybe it was the lighting, but he doesn't look particularly warm in that picture. But he's from your story. He seems lovely.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

People were people that's why people. He doesn't seem like an approachable guy. He's a perfectly nice guy. I talked to him for 20 minutes, back and forth, and he was lovely. But the way he sits there with the sir in front of his name makes people not precedes him.

[Bill Simmons]

Literally.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I saw his publicist the next day at Sirius xm and I was like, come on, Phoner. Come on, at least a phoner. Because when Tut comes out, I need a phoner.

[Bill Simmons]

Is that the show? That's.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, yeah. So she's like, I think.

[Bill Simmons]

Have you.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I think we work it out.

[Bill Simmons]

Have you guys seen the movie Sexy Beast?

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

He. You. You've all seen it. Yeah, it's. He's so good in it. He plays like the bad guy, like. Like the villain of villains. And he is so terrifying for a small, ish guy. He's.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, yeah. Brings it. How great was he as himself in the Sopranos?

[Bill Simmons]

That's right.

[Gina Grad]

He was great Run.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. All you have to do. It's all in the eyes, you know, it doesn't matter. It's like the Fonz. The Fonz is Henry Winkler. He's a Jewish guy who's five, seven and a half. But he scared the shit out of everyone because he just carried it, right.

[Bill Simmons]

He can be Gandhi, not Henry Winkler, but Gante. Yeah, he can be Gandhi, sir. And Ben, or he can be Sexy Beast, the most terrifying guy on the screen.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's where the sir comes from. All right, Gary, do you have the sensitivity counselor from the Bertram pilot? Let's see if it sounds. I was. See if it sounds like him or not. You gotta replay it and turn the volume up, please. Take a phone call. Bring Michael debar out here.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why when you described the teen

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

who stole your wallet as Hispanic, well, it just wasn't relevant. It was insensitive. Yeah. All right. Yeah, that's sort of what Lee. That was Lee's sound. Yeah, it was his vibe. And loved him. But also loved Mike August. Saying in front of Stone Cold, this guy's got your action figure on his desk.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Was awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then later, when Lee kind of said, I really didn't need you to say I had his action figure, August goes, I didn't say it was a doll.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Called it an action figure. Yeah. Been to 14 WrestleManias. Got his 15th coming up in a couple weeks and going out San Jose with his mom.

[Bill Simmons]

That's incredible.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

With Mama.

[Bill Simmons]

With Mom.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

With Mom.

[Gina Grad]

Now, to be fair, have either of you been to a WrestleMania?

[Bill Simmons]

I've been to events, but not a WrestleMania.

[Gina Grad]

They're great. I used to go all the time.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I haven't been to a fucking Olive Garden with my mom, but with your

[Michael DeBar]

mom,

[Bill Simmons]

That's a yearly tradition.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I am gonna put together a list of, you know, they have that, you know, fuck, kill or marry, right? My thing is jealous or choke the life out of. Because, like, there's a part of me that's like. There's part of me like, you're an adult with a beard. You have a beard. You're an adult male. And there's part of me that's like, what the fuck? And then there's part of me that's so insanely jealous, like, there's no way these guys are coming from. I don't know, he's out in Long island or something. They're coming from Long island to Sacramento. They're coming from Jersey to Sacramento. Wherever the fuck they're playing. San Jose. I mean, that's a long trek with Mojang. See guys in their underpants hit each other with chairs, right?

[Bill Simmons]

You're not gonna be in the ring.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He's in the ring.

[Bill Simmons]

He's gonna be probably a couple sections back.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm just saying. Are we jealous? I'm jealous.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I'm jealous of anyone who. You know what I like? Tradition. A tradition like that, even if that one particularly is not for me. Something you do every year with someone you love or with a friend or a parent or whoever. I like tradition. I like something you go back to and do every year.

[Gina Grad]

But do you think neither of them actually want to do this, but they think the other one wants him there?

[Bill Simmons]

I don't think that's possible.

[Michael DeBar]

No.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

He's counting the days. And by the way, he slipped in this little tidbit, too. One year, Mama had to move the daughter's bachelorette party so that she could attend the WrestleMania before going to the bachelorette party. And I'm like, would you ever dream of inviting your dad to your bachelor party? I couldn't.

[Bill Simmons]

Fucking. That's old school, man.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Imagine. Or your mom to your bachelorette party. Hey, Ma, you want to suck off this cock straw while the guy with the banana hammock rubs the shit in her face?

[Bill Simmons]

Here's a penis necklace.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, my fucking God.

[Gina Grad]

This is the family.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I told Lee you made a huge mistake because I'm going up on stage. That was a huge mistake. But God bless him, fucking Howie Mandel, he got me sidetracked. I was gonna do 20 minutes on this, and Howie started going, you Know how he started doing what? How he does.

[Bill Simmons]

How we do it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

How we do it. That's right. Fabian. Yes, sir. 27, San Diego.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Hey, Ace, man.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

How you doing?

[Bill Simmons]

Ball?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Bryant, Gina. Love the show. Yes. Hey, hey, hey. So I love watching Cops, but I hate watching a fat cop trying to chase, you know, skinny black guy, can't catch them. Mm. Yeah, they're not all black guys. There's some black girls in there. Not all. Just dudes.

[Bill Simmons]

Jamaican. Dominican.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Mm. Mm. Thank you. I want to apply your wedding dress rule to this. To, like, cops, where when they come out of the academy, you know, whatever they weigh, what they have to stay at or, you know, once they start gaining weight, you know? Yeah, yeah, because I've seen some really fat ass cops. I've seen some, like, morbly obese cops. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you the way I would do it. Here's the way I would do it with cops. When you're at the training academy, when you're done with basic training, let's get you fitted for a little body armor. And by the way, this shall be it.

[Bill Simmons]

That's the only one you get.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. So if you want to outgrow, if you would like to have your gun or your side slop out of this thing, nine inches on each side, that'll be up to you. But the taxpayer ain't footing the bill for it. So formally, your body armor covered 86% of your chest. If you want to get it down into the low 40s, keep eating. This will be your flak jacket. It's got your name on it, and that's it. It's got the date you graduated the Academy. You're 186 pounds right now. Here's a large or medium flak jacket. That is it. If you'd like to balloon up later on on donuts and sitting. Sitting around holding the fucking radar gun too long under the overpass, that'll be your business. The thing that protects you from bullets that ain't changing, the thing that accepts bullets, your body. Do that with what you wish. I'll be fine with that.

[Bill Simmons]

It's motivational. Seriously?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

All right. There you go.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, let's see our guest. Let's see. Thanks for all the calls, by the way, Shelly and Derek, I appreciate it. Please call back. But Michael's out there and I want to bring him in real quick. Blue apron. Oh, man, when I was on the road, this is what I missed. Blue apron. I actually. I left right before I left. I Had three blue apron boxes at my house. And I said, olga, I said, cook them all. Cook them all now. And make sure these GD kids eat this stuff while I'm gone, okay? Because I know it's good, it's healthy, and I ain't tossing it. Cook it all. Cook it tonight. Do all. She did all. Wow. Knocked it out, man. And then I got into. Be right back after this. It's time to check Adam's voice.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Voicemail.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Adam, I just want to say you're the man.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744. Michael DeBar is here. The key to the universe named the helm. It's available April 7th, and it's on FOD Records. Imagine. Michael, you could pre order it if you wanted though, right?

[Michael DeBar]

Yes, you can pre order it. Absolutely. Itunes and Amazon, you can pre order it or even. It's on Yahoo Today. It came up on Yahoo Today, the single and video. So you guys can get it any way you want. You go to my website, mdaybud.com.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

so I'm sorry. Go ahead.

[Michael DeBar]

No, no, no. I'm just selling myself cheaply.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm gonna help sell you. Michael took over for Robert Palmer and Power Station many years ago. Robert Palmer died incredibly early. Right. He was not an old guy at all.

[Michael DeBar]

No, I mean, that's why. And the rash of deaths lately, I mean, to start off with the death thing, but people at my age, 38, they go. They've gone. A lot of them, you know, in their mid-60s. Joe Cocker and Ian McClagan and Jack Bruce in the last couple of months. And I look at myself, I go, thank God I quit fucking drugs in 1981, because it would have been me.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, you know, I gotta tell you, I was hanging out with Dave Navarro as we talked about backstage, and I was looking at him and he looks brand new. And I thought to myself, there's a lot of guys. If you can make it through the other side, that's it. Have your bout with substances fairly early on and then get clean. And then Now Dave Navarro's 45 and he looks like he's 28, versus me, who's hungover from getting drunk at Caroline's the night before with the guys who came to see my movies. You know what I mean? Like, he had some tough patches, but the last 15 years have been really good.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, that's if you can. Exactly what you said. If you can get past that experience. But, you know, rock and roll demands that experience because In a way, it gives you a door that you can go through and explore that experimentation, and that's important. But if you don't come out the other side, you're fucked. Well, how.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

How does the gig come about when Robert, during Robert's demise, where they then knock on your door?

[Michael DeBar]

Well, he. He didn't. He hadn't died at that point. What happened was Duran Duran. It was a derivative of Duran Duran, a spin off. So therefore their audience was very, very young. Robert Palmer was a sophisticated sort of R B singer. And the. But the fans.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The guitar girls.

[Michael DeBar]

Right, exactly. The guitar girls. Famous video. But. But the audience is very young. Duran fans. Duran were only 22, and he dropped out because I think he really didn't think he could sustain that performance in front of those girls. Because those crowds are unbelievable, Adam. I mean, you know, 20,000 topless girls is basically what you sing it to.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And 40,000 boobs.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, 40. And they called me because I like boobs.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

So Palmer doesn't. And it was as simple as that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Michael DeBar]

I mean, in a sense, he didn't figure that he could corral that teenage audience, and I can, because I'd supported them with Checkered Past. I was in a band with Steve Jones at a Sex Pistols, and we opened for Duran and they remembered that I could deal with the crowd. I mean, we ended up playing Live Aid. I'd been in the band 10 days and we were at Live Aid, the biggest show ever.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, that is. And I think that's the one where you always see the famous Freddie Mercury

[Michael DeBar]

video

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

and London and everything. How was that? Ten days in and you're going in front of how Many thousand people?

[Michael DeBar]

Two billion people worldwide, worldwide. In JFK Stadium in Philadelphia, it's 100,000 people. But it was so overwhelming that I wasn't overwhelmed. You know, when you get to that point, like, you're exhausted, but in a way, fatigue is a drug to me because it gets rid of the adrenaline that fucks you up.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You want to score. I'm fucking lousy with fatigue.

[Michael DeBar]

I'm getting a contact load.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It's not even going to be stepped on. I'm not going to step on it with any naps or any vitamin C. You're going to have fresh mainline fatigue. I'll give it to you right now.

[Michael DeBar]

I was, like, exhausted because I'd gone to London. See, what happened was I got the gig. I had to go meet him in New York. A singer was required. I went into the room with John and Tony. I was then sent To London that night to meet Andy Taylor on the Concord.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right.

[Michael DeBar]

So I hadn't slept.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Andy from Duran Duran. Oh, no, wait, there's another Taylor in Duran Duran.

[Michael DeBar]

There's three Taylor.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Three Taylor, Ticket. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Duran Duran. By the way, one of the nicest groups of people you've ever met. For guys that are the size of that they are. I've always. Everybody sort of collectively and individually I've spent any time with, interviewed, or what have you been? Super friendly.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yes.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, I love them.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Nothing ever went to their head or what went on?

[Michael DeBar]

No, everything went to their wallet. I, I, I was just really fond of them all, you know, and I got to know all of them, obviously, but Andy and John, I adored. And John, I know to this day. We've done a, we did a movie together, Sugar Tank for Alison Anders.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, I know you do some acting as well.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And I don't, I don't. Was that before music or during or after?

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, it was. Thank you for asking it the right way around. I started, I did To Sew With Love with Sidney Poitier in 1966. I was one of the kids.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You were an infant.

[Michael DeBar]

No, I was the black psycho.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

No, I, Yeah, I was a juvenile delinquent. And so I started in drama school and I did a lot of British television and I did a lot of theater. And then I did this nude musical in London called the Dirty show in Town, and I played a rock star. And Andrew Lloyd Webber saw this and he said he should be and I was and became one with his assistance.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

To Sir With Love had a great theme song.

[Michael DeBar]

Yes. Lulu.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Lulu, you know that one? Some of that stuff doesn't hold up, and some of it's a little sappy or whatever, but this is a good one. And if I get drunk enough, it's this or Hell Is For Children by Pat Benatar. When the karaoke mic comes out, I'd

[Michael DeBar]

love to hear you sing to. So we love. I really would.

[Gina Grad]

I saw Lulu do this live last year. She was amazing.

[Michael DeBar]

I did what?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, at the Turner Classic Movie Festival.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Michael DeBar]

She's great.

[Gina Grad]

It happened.

[Michael DeBar]

Well, it's the. I think it's the 40th.

[Allison Rosen]

There it is.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And how was Lulu?

[Gina Grad]

And the crowd went crazy. It was really nostalgic and beautiful.

[Michael DeBar]

She was 15 when we worked together.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Really?

[Michael DeBar]

I was 16, she was 15.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So did she cut this at 15?

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, she did shout when she was like, 14. You remember that song, Shout? You remember that single that broke her yeah, she was a baby.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Here's where I really start to kick it in here, Brian.

[Michael DeBar]

You start to weep a little.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I mean, I'm. I make it masculine. I make it my own crayons to perfume.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

This where I undo one of my buttons, I do a fist pump and I, I go to one of the ladies and I sing to her. You know, this is the natural part

[Bill Simmons]

of the song to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now you remember the song, Brian?

[Bill Simmons]

Can't say I do have one.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

I think I'm familiar with it, but I couldn't sing along.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, it was a.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

It was a hit.

[Michael DeBar]

She's a great singer, R and B singer, great voice. Loved her.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Boy, this is 15, huh?

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, man. This is 66. 1966. We, we just plucked out of drama school and thrown into this movie with like the most noble guy I've ever met before or since Sidney Poitier.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Wow. All right, let's see. So again, the album, the Key to the Universe.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, the Key to the Universe.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

We all want that available coming up early April, April 7th on FOD Records. But we can pre order it if we like, through all the modalities.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, yeah, you can get it any way you like. You know, like, it's so interesting to make now. We made it in Rome, which was really special too. This timeless city. And it was almost as if it's so elegant there and it's so much beautiful art that I would have felt like a fucking idiot had I not stepped up, you know? You know, I felt like art was

[Gina Grad]

worthy of the place, worthy of the

[Michael DeBar]

statues, you know, I mean, I got

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

a request for you, Michael.

[Michael DeBar]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Would you like Michael to win? Your enemies? Folks you don't like on this planet get a little bit old. It looks like this may be it for them. They go to the hospital, they lay down.

[Bill Simmons]

Could be the last time in the

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

one way trip you send Michael in and Michael's like, oh, when I was with Lulu, we were with Sidney Poitier and we cut the album in Rome and then we jetted off to do Live Aid with the Taylor brothers and the rest of the band from Tower Station. And they just go. I worked at a male post, a postal sorting center in Arcadia for 74 years.

[Bill Simmons]

So you'd have him rub in his great life to there.

[Michael DeBar]

Did I tell you? Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Because I'm picturing myself lying on my deathbed going, I went to the Irvine Improv. That's so sweet. When we were doing that Rio video and I was on the bow of The Schooner. And we were going through the Canary Islands. Oh, Not a care in the world. I was balls deep in Lulu.

[Michael DeBar]

I slept with Pat Benatar. I'm sorry, Adam.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'd be clutching my heart. Me and August drove to Irvine. Me and August drove to Irvine. He got the chicken tenders.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

That'd be.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That'd be clutching at my heart sound terrible.

[Michael DeBar]

I. I do sound so pretentious. I am so sorry, but that's the life I've lived. Okay. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I mean, did you sleep with Pat Banner?

[Michael DeBar]

No, I slept with Ava Gardner.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. Hold on now. I do have to be checked in somewhere.

[Michael DeBar]

I'm so excited.

[Bill Simmons]

Ava Gardner was. Is at least 20 years older than you.

[Michael DeBar]

Yes, but I like older women. And I'm only 38. I told you.

[Gina Grad]

Well, you said. You're exaggerating. Was it like a passionate makeout?

[Michael DeBar]

No. I mean, my life has been excessive. There's no question about it. And sometimes when you. Cat. When you. You know. Which is a great bit, you know, me and Humphrey Bogart were in a band on emr.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Give me my bedpan. I gotta vomit. Oh, wait a minute.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, Jesus.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Didn't. I think. I think we may have went to. There's another improv. There's one in Brea. I want to that one too. Different nights. Different nights.

[Michael DeBar]

You know, Elvis and I.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Nurse. Where's that button? God, take me.

[Bill Simmons]

Like that time at the Ontario Improv.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. You know, I just lost to Catalina for the day once. We didn't stay over just for the day. Didn't take the helicopter. That was too expensive.

[Michael DeBar]

You know, my home in Paris. It's just. Sorry.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, we went to Legoland with the kids. Actually, I think that was just a nanny. I paid for it, though.

[Michael DeBar]

Listen, I gotta hurry up. I got Scarlett Johansson back at the house.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, that's what I like you to do.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah, well, no, it's been a mad life. And of course, I was married to the queen of the groupies too, which is kind of interesting story. I'm with. Do you know about that?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, Pamela. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

Amazing. Big Adam Carolla fan, by the way.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I. I think, yeah, she's been in here because my brain is shredding. I know. I've definitely interviewed her now. So you marry her and then you get divorced, then the groupie book.

[Michael DeBar]

No, the groupie book was. I found it under the bed. The journals. When we first got together, we were only like 21. 22 and years ago, back in the 12th century. And it was under the bed. And I thought, oh, Jesus. And I got to deal with Robert Plant and Jimmy Page and Jim Morrison's penis. This is true. Tricky.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

But the book came out, you know, I. I loved her because of who she was, you know, and. And her pedigree. I thought it was fantastic.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What? But at the time. Because 21 year olds can be pretty territorial.

[Michael DeBar]

Absolutely. I mean, at that time. You're absolutely right to point this out. I got. I got really upset. I mean, you know, just at the athleticism of. Of the descripting, the feast, the narrative.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So she basically slept with these guys and kept a pretty detailed journal of it.

[Michael DeBar]

Yes. February 12th. Fuck Jimmy Page rotten. Yes. So you know, I said, was it on the 12th? Where was I on the 12th? Was I in Cleveland on tour? It's a nightmare. No, but the book, the journal, in a way was very seductive to me. That's the difference thing. Of course, at 21, you want to kill everybody that ever touched your girlfriend.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Right?

[Michael DeBar]

But I felt in a way, by proxy, it was almost entering a. Another universe of rock and roll royalty.

[Bill Simmons]

Right.

[Michael DeBar]

You know. You know what I'm talking about. And she was. She's such an amazing woman that, you know, is. It was a. Interesting relationship. It was in the 70s when decadence was okay. Nobody died.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Sure, sure. Yeah. I always say pre aids, mid Coke.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Exactly.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The greatest time in this country's history.

[Michael DeBar]

Perfect.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Coke was good for you.

[Michael DeBar]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

AIDS hadn't been invented. It was awesome.

[Michael DeBar]

That's right. You weren't psychotic behind coke at that time. You know, you do it and you didn't go mad. You know, you were up for four days and it would be okay. But that didn't last long. 18 months.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. By the way, I'm gonna beat the Irvine Improv. Wednesday, March 25th at 8 o'.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Clock.

[Michael DeBar]

I'm gonna be at Whole Foods at about noon.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Banging who?

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Should we. Should we do a little news?

[Gina Grad]

Let's do it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Let's do a little news. Michael, hang out. Crack wise. Give me news with Gina grad. Weird shit out of Florida sex surveys. Obama need news with Gina Gina. The news with Gina grad.

[Gina Grad]

Now just real quick. The reason why it is to that music is because I devolve that I was in hair and was fully nude. And that is why that song exists. Yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

Can we do a quick, you know, reenactment?

[Gina Grad]

Sure, yeah. Nude model did the whole thing. I was real not into it. Thank you very much. Excellent.

[Michael DeBar]

We have nudity in coman. This is fabulous.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. You said you were nude on stage as well?

[Michael DeBar]

Yes, I was.

[Gina Grad]

Mayor's perked up. A jury found Robin Thicke and Pharrell guilty of plagiarizing Marvin Gaye's song Got to give it up with their song Blurred Lines. And they are ordered to pay more than $7 million. Actually, the gay estate asked for 22 million.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, let's not use pejoratives here. Yeah, it sounds like an estate if you disagree with. I'm sorry. Oh, Marvin, I apologize.

[Gina Grad]

Nona Gay.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't know why. It's a fucking horrible joke. But Marvin's last words had to be when his dad pulled a gun on him. What's going on? I'm sorry. It's a horrible joke. But the point is, getting shot by your dad just gotta be the weirdest laugh picture for your mind.

[Michael DeBar]

Shocking.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yes. It's just gotta be like, dad not

[Michael DeBar]

sexually healing at all.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

What's going on?

[Gina Grad]

Well, Nona Gay, who is the daughter of Marvin, said, right now I feel free. Free from Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke's chains and what they tried to keep on us and the lies that were told.

[Michael DeBar]

This is a crazy argument because Chuck Berry literally. I mean, come on. If it wasn't for Chuck Berry, the Rolling Stones wouldn't exist. It's a very, very complex situation. It's bullshit.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Chuck Berry rips off himself every time he wr.

[Michael DeBar]

That's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's the Christmas song. Sound the same as, you know.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, Carol.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. It's like every Chuck Berry song has the same lick.

[Michael DeBar]

Or the Stones. I mean, it's influenced.

[Gina Grad]

But this is pretty exact. If you need an example. Yeah. So here's Marvin Gaye's song. This is Got to give it up. That's how this starts.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Gina Grad]

And this is blurch lines.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, here comes.

[Michael DeBar]

It could be Beat it by Michael Jackson.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, right.

[Michael DeBar]

You know what I mean? I mean, it's nonsense. Nonsense.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You know, here's the thing. Everything that came before influenced what came after. So if you look at any car that was made in 2015, you can go back to a car that was built in the 60s or 70s or 80s. It's an evolution.

[Michael DeBar]

Absolutely right.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You just this piece of art or this piece of machinery or this aircraft or this architecture, whatever it is. I mean, look at male. Look at men's suits. It's always funny to me. People are like, I need a new suit. You watch Mad Men. They're wearing a suit that the guy's wearing today. And then you go back to you

[Bill Simmons]

Asked for one like that. Give me a suit like the one that had.

[Michael DeBar]

But you just put your own new clothes on.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You go back 100 years, it's the same. You change the pocket square. But I was just going to say

[Michael DeBar]

you put a. Hank.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They're all seem the same. They're all just. But they got the extra button on the inside. That's confusing. And that's it.

[Bill Simmons]

I think creatively, whether you're getting into podcasting or selling jokes or music or whatever it is, you start out by just doing imitations of the people you love.

[Michael DeBar]

Then you must nuance us to the evolution of everyone.

[Gina Grad]

Do you pay for that or do you just say it's ours now? Like Sam Smith and Tom Petty, he had to give him 12.5% of everything they made.

[Michael DeBar]

Well, if it's in court, it's not a legal question, it's an aesthetic question. First and foremost, if the law says yes, of course you pay. I had to. I wrote Obsession. Big hit. Was I sued Absolutely. By people who said they wrote it.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Did I really?

[Gina Grad]

Did you tell them to piss off?

[Michael DeBar]

I told him to piss off, but only to my lawyer. And my lawyer told him, you know, hey, give him a break. And we won. But nevertheless, you know, this situation sucks because its influence. And it's an absurdity to think that they stole. They nuanced it. It's a very, very fine line.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, whatever. I don't know how you. I know how you put a price on it. Just figure out how much it generated.

[Michael DeBar]

20 million bucks.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I still never. I never got the My Sweet Lord and the he's so Fine one.

[Bill Simmons]

I never heard that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, no. I've heard it a million times.

[Bill Simmons]

You didn't hear it.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Who cares? I found licks shocking in every song that have little bits and pieces from other songs where you can tell there's an influence or there's something there. And it's impossible for that not to happen in any form of art. But this one, I can hear Marvin Gaye and I can hear that now. Does that mean it's worth 7 million bucks? I don't really think so, but I can hear it. My sweet Lord. The two songs themselves were too far apart.

[Gina Grad]

See, the genres, conceptually.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. So these two songs conceptually, are the same song. And that's a. That's a little bit of an issue. Or at least they start the same.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The. The.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

The one that the Shirells or the Shangri La's or the. Whoevers were doing chiffons were doing versus the one White English guy was doing over here was tuned so. So far apart from a genre standpoint, but it's like every movie shares the same themes. One could be Outer Space Spectacular, the other could be just a small indie, whatever. But. So it's a little guy, and he's fighting against the odds, and it's. You know, and this idea. That's why it always. It always. I always hate it when. When I get a shitty review and they go, oh, it's the same old, you know. You know, same old cliche. It's like every movie, it's how it's executed. Every movie starts off with the guy loses the girl, he wants to get her back.

[Bill Simmons]

Hardship.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. It's the winning. It's all rocky, you know, and eventually

[Gina Grad]

rekindles his love with the road.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah. But you know what else happened in this case is that Robin Thicke's deposition was that he was on Vicodin and drunk. So if you're gonna take that position that. Oh, I'm sorry. I was loaded, you know, I mean, one. That's really pathetic.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Okay.

[Michael DeBar]

Dismiss making an excuse for plagiarism.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right.

[Michael DeBar]

I think that screwed a good point.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, well, it's got to be nice for the. For the Gay Family because they get 7 million bucks.

[Michael DeBar]

Sounds like a new band. Doesn't indie band the Gay Family?

[Gina Grad]

Well, the Smoking Gun reports that a trio of teenage burglars who stole cash, jewelry, electronics, and prescription drugs from Missouri residents also thought they got away with a big stash of cocaine. They found it in a wooden box, but they discovered later that the powder was actually the cremated remains of the homeowner's father. They did find this out, in fact, in the way that you would think they did. They gave it a try. The teens are being brought up on multiple felony charges, but they're at least being tried as juvenile, so that'll help them out.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So they snorted dad.

[Gina Grad]

They snorted Old man. Yeah, Pappy in Missouri.

[Michael DeBar]

You know who else did that? Keith Richards did that. Is on record as snorting his father. Yes. Which I think is the name of his new book

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

now. I know. I'm sorry. I think it was Slash or somebody snorted ants. No, Ozzy. But somebody was trying to keep up with him.

[Michael DeBar]

Tommy Lee.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Tommy Lee. Like, yeah, Tommy Lee was trying to keep up with Ozzy, so he snorted a termite. And the aft. Termites are mortal enemies. I don't know if you know that. So if you snort an ant and then snort a termite, there'll be a battle. That's going on in your sinuses?

[Michael DeBar]

I snorted a drama once, which was. That's a whole other story.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So he, Keith Richards, snorted his dad's ashes?

[Michael DeBar]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay. I mean, obviously you do freeze too. Like, you go, oh, my God.

[Michael DeBar]

Probably the opposite. Yes. Necrophilia on the gums. But I, you know, it's. He's quoted as saying that, but, like, his book is amazing. Do you ever read his book? Keith's book?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No. I should now.

[Michael DeBar]

Like, you have time to read Keith Richard's book, but it talks about that. But a lot of his quotes are for absolute. He's a Rolling Stone. He's a pirate. He's Jack Sparrow. He'll say whatever's newsworthy or what is clever.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So do we believe that's a soundbite or do we believe he did it?

[Michael DeBar]

Only Keith knows.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Tell August to book.

[Gina Grad]

But it's like, if you earn the reputation as an early riser, you can sleep till I think he's earned us. Assuming that it's real. He's Keith Richards.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

So British researchers conducted a study on penis size. They screened over 15,000 men and found the average penis size for men in different states of arousal. And I have them, if you'd like to know.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Gina Grad]

The following data represents the average penis. Now, I'll give you a couple different categories. Oh, flaccid length, 3.61 inches.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

By the way, when I put on the lab coat and pull out my micrometer or my ruler, my yardstick, my calipers, and we do have a cock measuring competition or scientific project. When they go, who wants to start with the flaccid? My hand goes up fast because I know as bad a gig as that sounds, what comes after it can only be, how far did the jizz fly on average? Well, I don't know because I can't see. I can't see. I need to go get that flush thing. Where's that kit that hangs on the wall with the station?

[Gina Grad]

Station?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I gotta walk the jizz thing with the stick that the CHP uses when the car skids off the road. Yeah, so I'm starting with flaccid. That's me.

[Bill Simmons]

I'll be good after that.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I'm gonna be yelling, gents, ice down, here I come.

[Gina Grad]

Okay, well, flaccid girth, 9.31. I'm sorry, that was centimeters.

[Allison Rosen]

Centimeters.

[Gina Grad]

3.67 inches erect girth.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Now that's. That's, that's doing a lap.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. That's not just a cross.

[Gina Grad]

That's A round, erect girth, 4.59 inches. And the one that everybody wants to know. Erect length. The average penis, 5.17 inches.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, dear. How disappointing.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

5.17. So it's under 5.2. Michael, the official way for measuring the penis. Because there's a lot of different ways. Yes, I have official. From the center of the anus.

[Michael DeBar]

Hang on one second. Let me just get into this.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay, go.

[Michael DeBar]

I'm ready.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Follow along at home from the center of the anus to just past the tip. Okay.

[Michael DeBar]

Three feet.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's the way we do it. Center of the anus. Once round the balls, just past the tip. That is the way I measure. That's the only official unit of measurement that standardized.

[Gina Grad]

Wow.

[Michael DeBar]

Once round the balls is the title of my biography.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

So that's lower than we thought, right?

[Gina Grad]

I think so.

[Michael DeBar]

Are you kidding me?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And the 5.17 is less than 5.2. And so we're under. Well less than five and an eighth or so. So smaller than we thought.

[Bill Simmons]

It was great news.

[Gina Grad]

Shock.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

It was great, guys. Yeah. Here's the whole thing. Guys shouldn't have strong opinions about it one way or the other because it kind of. It's what we call a tell the gay estate.

[Bill Simmons]

I say.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I've. I've always said any guy who does that thing where it's like. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion. All right. Small.

[Bill Simmons]

It's not the tool.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Wait over there. Small dick.

[Gina Grad]

Yes.

[Michael DeBar]

It's the limp ones that come up with that excuse.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Don't. Yeah. So God bless him. So we only grow about 2 inches from flaccid. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

That's. Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

Less, actually. Well, yeah. I don't know if we do, but some people do.

[Michael DeBar]

What's your experience, Gina?

[Gina Grad]

I'm actually shocked that it's. That it's that small. And I'm sure it's a wonderful length, and that's a wonderful thing for the average man. It really surprises me.

[Michael DeBar]

The average man alone. That sentence makes me nervous.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Gina Grad]

By the way, I just got a breaking news. Ferguson chief resigns after scathing Justice Department report prompted by police shooting. So they are really losing some cops over in Ferguson, just FYI.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, if I know anything about being cops, you can just resign somewhere else and go somewhere else and just get a new gig. It's like school teacher. I was molesting a whole bunch of kids in San Bernardino. Yeah. We took them on over here.

[Bill Simmons]

Hope he lands on his feet.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Y' all know he just Moved to the Bay Area. It's fine. We didn't do a background check. Yeah. Let me do a breaking piece of news. Squarespace, baby. Easy way to build a beautiful website. How about a blog or online store? Something that looks great. Every website comes with a free online store. Plus 24. 7 support via live chat and email only. 8 bucks a month. You get a free domain name if you buy for a year. And you can start a trial. That's right. No credit card required. You sign up, you use the offer code ace. You get 10% off your first purchase. You support the show, you're doing a business. You're starting up online. Got a little something going. It is Squarespace. These guys are the best. Build it perfect, but you got to use the pros. Squarespace, Everybody. Squarespace. Get 10% off. Use the offer code Adam. Oh, sorry, Ace. I got short my own name. All right. So he's resigned.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah. Entertainment Weekly is confirming that President Barack Obama will be appearing on the Thursday night episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live. This marks, yes, the first time Obama's stopping by as president. He was on the show in 2008, via satellite when he was still running for office. That's Thursday night.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, well, I'm doing the Rich Eisen show, so I think that's a push.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I would say so. We're comparable.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow. I only think. All I can think about is traffic when the president.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, it's gonna be right there in Hollywood.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, Thursday.

[Michael DeBar]

You're right.

[Bill Simmons]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Right in the middle of the whole. Yeah. Can I say this? I said in my book, I said, you know, when the president comes to town, instead of shutting the whole fucking town down with the motorcade and driving over to Baby Place or George Clooney's place, have the fundraiser on the tarmac at lax. Pull Air Force One into a hangar, put out the red carpet, a nice buffet, get a nice jazz band, and have everyone take a tour of Air Force One. We'll come to you. You don't have to shut the whole goddamn town down. And when he comes to town for anything. Now, Kimmel, pick up the desk. Go to Air Force One. That's a cooler.

[Bill Simmons]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That's a cooler, kid.

[Michael DeBar]

That's a genius idea, that. Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

And it's like, well, he's. He's gonna meet with Mayor Vera. Goes, hey, Viva Ghost. Get on your fucking Vespa and go to the airport. You're shutting down. And it's Garcetti now. But the point is, is don't. Why were you Shutting down the town.

[Michael DeBar]

We.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You could. You want to talk about hurting a town?

[Michael DeBar]

You.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You. The freeways get closed off, it's bad enough you see the guys zipping by. Oh, by the way, how many. How many fucking carbon units is it to just haul this guy's ass around town with all the black SUVs and the motorcycle cops and everything? Stay where you are. Kim will head out to you, Garcetti, or whoever, you know, whatever business you gotta do. You gotta meet with a couple of leaders from a couple of different groups. They'd love to take a crap on Air Force One, of course, by the way, they can make it out to the airport. You're the president. What are they gonna do? Oh, what, Burbank? No, Ladies. Oh, fuck that. Fuck that. No way. No way. Yeah, I'm booked. No, they'll come to you.

[Bill Simmons]

Privilege.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Be a great thing. You get a little crew on there. You sit down, we get to see the inside Air Force One, you know what I mean?

[Michael DeBar]

Do you guys see Kevin Spacey? Are you into House of Commons?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, but I'm never.

[Michael DeBar]

You never watch tv?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

No, I'm not home. I haven't been home in two weeks.

[Michael DeBar]

You work every night?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I do something almost all the time, and then when I don't, all I want to do is watch old guys stand next to cars next to Karn, cackle and haggle over prices I can't get into.

[Bill Simmons]

And then Cattle wants to buy the car.

[Michael DeBar]

Binge TV is not part of your curriculum.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I can't get into anything because I'm never around.

[Michael DeBar]

Wow. What? That's a great title right there. This is my next song. I can't get into anything because I'm. Yeah, that's like an iron bead. I'm gonna call Robin Thick right now. That's a fantastic but.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

But people.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I mean, like, I was sitting in my shitty hotel room at the airport. Fill in the blank.

[Michael DeBar]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Watching, you know, the weather channel at 2:15am last night. And I. I would have liked. See, if I was hooked on House of Cards, then I'd be missing it. I'd be really pissed off. As it is, I'm watching Wicked Tuna, and it's two in the morning and I'm not committed to this relationship.

[Michael DeBar]

Wow. Yeah. I understand.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That tuna is just a whore. Pardon the horrible association there. But that tuna is just a cheap whore. I called over to the room, we're never gonna speak again. Yeah. And people go, oh, you really gotta get into this. And it's like, then what? Then I'll be miserable when we go out for another week and I'm watching.

[Michael DeBar]

How many hours do you sleep a night?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, well, lately, four or five. But when I can, I'll go for it.

[Michael DeBar]

And you can't sleep through for eight hours straight.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I can, I can. I can go 10 if I. If I gotta make it up.

[Michael DeBar]

I'm up every hour. Cnn, man. Headline news. I cannot sleep.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, you gotta. You got a motor.

[Michael DeBar]

I do.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm a very, you know, I'm a sloth. That's living in the body of a hummingbird.

[Michael DeBar]

That's so poetic, Adam.

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, really crystallizing.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I prefer to be in a tree, napping.

[Michael DeBar]

Oh, my God. I moved to tears with that description of yourself.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, maybe I'll be your Bernie Toppin.

[Michael DeBar]

How about that? Be my Bernie.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, I'll be your Bernie.

[Michael DeBar]

Be my Bernie.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

You write the licks?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yes.

[Michael DeBar]

You write the Crocodile Rock.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

See, what rhymes? A hummingbird. See? Moisturd.

[Michael DeBar]

Absurd.

[Allison Rosen]

Absurd.

[Bill Simmons]

Absurd.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Hummingbird. Sloth.

[Bill Simmons]

That's the word.

[Michael DeBar]

A lot of money in lyrics, Adam. Lot of money in lyrics.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Nothing rhymes with sloth, though.

[Bill Simmons]

Not yet.

[Michael DeBar]

Goth? Are you kidding?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Your friends are so goth. But I'm like a sloth. Yeah, froth. Your friends are like a warm turd. And I'm living. Hummingbird.

[Allison Rosen]

All right.

[Michael DeBar]

Calling Marilyn Manson.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, let's do one.

[Gina Grad]

You got it. Well, a pair of New York City Council members are proposing to give half of collected fines for idling cars to residents who catch the idlers on video. City laws currently restrict car idling to three minutes or one minute outside of a school. The council members said the videos would be submitted to the Department of Environmental Protection, and then the videographers could receive up to 50% of any fines collected as a result of the footage. So peep on your friends and earn some money.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Oh, my God. Does anybody I know like all those shows that. Who is it? Keith Morris? Who's the guy that says Keith?

[Gina Grad]

You mean, like, to catch the what

[Bill Simmons]

would you do shows?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, all those. All those. 20. 20. Is it Keith Morris?

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know who it is, but is it? What would you do?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. No, but he does a lot of the ones where it's like the wife thought she was hiring a hitman, she was hiring a policeman. You know what I mean?

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah.

[Michael DeBar]

With the hair. He's got that strange hair.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, this thing. Every one of those things. When the wife is poisoning the husband, she doesn't give him a sack of poison, she just starts working it into his oatmeal. Every morning. And the guys starts feeling. The guy starts feeling like my ulcer's acting up. She's poisoning the guy. He doesn't even know it. It just takes place over a course of weeks or months. Eventually he dies. Corner, whatever. Don't you feel like that's going on in our society? It's just like a little sprinkling. Like if they laid all this shit out in one day, like, hey, look, we're gonna have cameras in every intersection and you'll be able to film. And if you're caught watering your lawn while the sun is shining, you're going to get a fine. And everyone can. Who has a dog can bring it on an airplane, but if you smoke on the beach, you will be arrested. Like if they did that in one day. Keith Morrison. Yes, if they did that in one day, we'd all go that. No way.

[Bill Simmons]

It's the turning up of the bullying.

[Guest (Possibly Jimmy Kimmel or a close friend)]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

They're just giving it little bits and pieces and eventually we're living in some fucked up society.

[Michael DeBar]

Roman Empire. Absolutely. Legislation, madness.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

How many fucking rules do we goddamn need?

[Bill Simmons]

What do you have to look forward to?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, that's what I'm saying. I mean, I've always. I say it now all the time. Dogs on a plane, but not allowed on a beach. Dogs can. They fucking love it. That's only. You never see a dog happier than on a beach. They roll around in the sand and they're back in the run of the water.

[Michael DeBar]

You can show a naked breast of a corpse on a girl, but you can't show a live girl's breast.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I just went from 3.2 to 5.17 like that.

[Michael DeBar]

Was it the tone of my voice, Adam?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I don't know. It's a combination of many variables, all working for my cock.

[Michael DeBar]

Awesome.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay, this is gonna be great. Then the person that gets fined is gonna. There's gonna be a lawsuit against the city because he's gonna say that it's rights were infringed upon.

[Gina Grad]

I think there's gonna be some attempted murders. I mean, you see your neighbors spying on you so they can cash in. That's not gonna work in New York.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All right, everyone just. Again, here's what I'm saying to everybody. Not everything is progress. We have this thing where it's like. That's what always pissed me off with Obama when he did the hope and change. I didn't want hope or change. First off, don't fucking sit around and hope for shit. If you think you elect a guy and your shit's gonna. Oh, he's gonna make him. Oh, Magical dreams are gonna come true. All the people that were hoping for shit when he got elected or any president or anybody don't hope. Nobody should hope. This country is not built on hope of anything. We're built on kicking ass. Get the fuck out of bed and go do it. And change in some arenas are good, but not just change. Some things need to be fixed. Other things were working quite nicely. We don't need to change everything.

[Michael DeBar]

I couldn't agree more. I think hope is a futuristic absurdity.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I hope the plane doesn't crash, by the way. It's up there with n war. It just doesn't mean shit. It's nothing.

[Michael DeBar]

And you can change for the worse. And that's very clear.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

But do you want your kids sitting around and hoping they get a good SAT score? Hoping they get into standards or hoping they meet the right woman or man, or hoping they have a good career or hoping, hoping, hoping. I want to fucking remove from my kids vocabulary. Thank you. You're a genius.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm glad to see the road has increased your disposition.

[Gina Grad]

That's right. And also speaking of change, I just heard on the radio the other day there's a huge campaign with lots of money and lots of energy behind it for womenon20s.com. It's to put a woman on the $20 bill. As, you know, a symbol of progress. And that's fine and good, but I think that that's misdirected energy.

[Michael DeBar]

Who would that woman be?

[Gina Grad]

Well, they're Harriet Tubman, Sagra, Jawea. They're trying to figure that out. Thank you.

[Michael DeBar]

Mamie Van Doren.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah, let's put someone hot.

[Bill Simmons]

Ava Gardner. You're old.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Ava Gardner.

[Michael DeBar]

Alcohol. Oh, no, that's impossible.

[Gina Grad]

We know people.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Yeah. Anyway, yeah, Shirley MacLaine again. The fucking thing where you. It's right up there with just naming the overpass over the slain officer, kind of. It's good for his parents when they drive by, but it doesn't make a fucking difference to anybody. It never changes anything. And as a matter of fact, the more of that shit, the more symbolic bullshit that means nothing. You give to fill in the group, whatever the blank, whatever women, black, whatever it is.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Hey, you have somebody you've never met and their likeness is on a $20 bill. How's that paying your fucking bills? How's that getting your kids educated? How's that doing anything? If anything, all it does is satiate you a little bit. All those symbolic gestures should just be out the fucking window, dude.

[Michael DeBar]

We should run for office ticket.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Let's do it.

[Gina Grad]

Oh, that makes me love that ticket. And by the way, I think it's UC Irvine. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. The student council is trying to remove all American flags and all flags of any kind from the campus because they feel that it excludes people. Again, with misdirected energy, everybody.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

All the guys who fucking came back. And a fucking box from the island campaigns in the Pacific and the European theater. This guy's gonna be fucking rolling over in their goddamn graves right now. Jesus goddamn Christ. Look, this country is great. There's a reason why it's great. And this is not a step toward the light. Everything is, oh, we gotta get progressive. We gotta wake up. No, we don't. And world, you better hope we don't, because the next time the shit goes down, Guess who the fucking bouncer is. Guess who the guy. Guess who. We're Patrick Swayze. We fucking come in and we clean up your fucking mess. We fucking roadhouse your ass. That's what we do. That's what we do. You better hope we don't fucking go down this path. Jesus goddamn Christ. It's our flag. Can we fly in our country?

[Gina Grad]

Well, you know who the people who are most upset are, who at least were on the radio ranting and raving to get this.

[Adam Carolla]

This.

[Gina Grad]

To get this, you know, not let this happen, are the immigrants. So we came to this country. We're proud of this country. We fled a horrible place. Don't make a. Don't make us have to do away with our symbol of freedom, which is the American flag.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Brian, you've been around me a long time. You've heard me say many times, let's never forget the place you come from. It's a piece of shit. That's why you're here and we're not there. So let's understand that you're here for a reason. Somebody fucked up the place you're from. Now you're here. Let's not fuck this up.

[Bill Simmons]

True.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Was that what you wanted me to say?

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Well, there ain't gonna be any place. Look, there ain't gonna be any place to flee anymore if we fuck this place up.

[Michael DeBar]

You know, I was speaking to the Duke of Edinburgh the other morning.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I said, vomit in my bedpan.

[Michael DeBar]

I said, michael, look, go to la. So I did.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Wow. All right, here we go. That's the news?

[Gina Grad]

Yeah, that's the news. I'm Gina Grad, and that's the News.

[Bill Simmons]

Beautiful.

[Michael DeBar]

Thank you, Gina.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That was the news News with Gina grad. And until next time, this is Adam for Michael and Gina. And Bald saying mahalo.

[Michael DeBar]

February 12th, Jimmy Page rotten.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, that's adam color show 1529 with the very fun Michael the Bar.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I best know him from his Murdoch from the series. MacGyver is his main adversary. That does it for today's world classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an old installment.

[Bill Simmons]

Until then, mull and get it on.

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Fantastic.

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[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla (Host)]

That is so fast on Pluto TV.

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Stream now. Pay never.