Bobcat Goldthwait + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show – Bobcat Goldthwait + Alison and Bryan (Carolla Classics) Episode Date: June 28, 2026 Features: Adam Carolla, Bobcat Goldthwait, Alison Rosen, Bryan Bishop | Recording originally from 2012

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Adam Carolla Show is a special “Carolla Classics” installment, replaying a 2012 live recording featuring comedian and filmmaker Bobcat Goldthwait, plus regulars Alison Rosen and Bryan Bishop. The show, true to form, delivers Adam’s freewheeling comedy, personal anecdotes, and signature rants, interspersed with Bobcat’s wild showbiz stories and unique comic viewpoint. The conversation covers everything from the realities (and absurdities) of parenting and domestic life, to Bobcat’s notorious talk show stunts, religion, death, and the quirks of aging.

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Table of Contents

1. Opening Banter & Adam's "Day from Hell"
2. Parenthood, Goldfish Mortality, and Adam’s Domestic Struggles
3. Death, Heaven, and Afterlife: Absurdities Explored with Bobcat
4. Religion, Mormons, Virgins, and the Afterlife (Comic Religiosity)
5. Bobcat’s Legendary Talk Show Antics (Leno’s Chair, Arsenio, Regis & Kathie Lee)
6. News Segment: Weird Stories & Commentary
7. Listener Q&A: Parenting, Jobs, and Blues Music
8. Classic Adam Rants: Society, Design Flaws, and the State Lottery
9. Memorable Quotes
10. Timestamps for Key Moments

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1. Opening Banter & Adam's "Day from Hell"

Starts ~02:23

• Live show energy, crowd interaction
• Adam arrives late, launches into a detailed (and comedic) recounting of his terrible day:
  • Wife Lynette is out of town following Bruce Springsteen, kids are home on spring break
  • Car troubles, traffic, and a lengthy commute add to his woes

Notable Quote:
"I left my house at 6:30. I bought a six pack, I went to the park. I left the park about 7:25, but the fucking traffic was still hellacious, I gotta be honest."
— Adam, [02:33]

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2. Parenthood, Goldfish Mortality, and Adam’s Domestic Struggles

~03:00–09:30

• Adam recounts his solo parenting:
  • Nanny Olga reports the death of the family goldfish (“Sensei”)
  • Hilarious attempt to console his daughter Natalia about fish heaven
  • Navigating kids’ questions, skepticism, and suspicion (Natalia interrogates him about how he found out about the fish’s demise)
• The absurdity of small tasks: wrestling with plastic utensils, morning chaos, snack struggles, “crayon elbow,” and “Angry Birds thumb”

Quote:
"It’s the only utensil that you couldn’t kill yourself with, but it made you want to kill yourself."
— Adam, [05:29]

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3. Death, Heaven, and Afterlife: Absurdities Explored with Bobcat

~09:30–13:10

• Bobcat and the group riff on the logistics and absurdity of "heaven" stories told to children (or in religious settings)
  • Endlessly escalating jokes about what different creatures supposedly do in their “heaven”
  • Adam’s take: what’s the afterlife for people—eternal porn and beer?
• Family communication breakdowns and comedic skepticism about afterlife narratives

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4. Religion, Mormons, Virgins, and the Afterlife (Comic Religiosity)

~23:27–31:08

• Bobcat shares about performing in Salt Lake City:

  • Comedians and the workaround for swearing (“what the frick,” “cheese and crackers”), to his annoyance
  • Bobcat challenges the religious crowd: “The word ‘fuck’ is super sacred to me, alright? ...Say it or don’t, but you don’t get to imply what it means.”
  • Feeling slighted Mormons didn’t try to convert him: “It’s like working around gays who don’t hit on you. Am I not good enough?”

• Extended riff on the “72 virgins” concept:

  • Adam, Bobcat, and Alison mock the appeal and the logistics (“Do you really want a planet of virgins?”), probing for who’s “supplying” them and what happens to them — "Maybe it's hell for them, actually," Alison quips.
  • “If you get a planet of virgins, do you understand how much talking that's going to be?” — Bobcat, [27:19]

• On religious afterlife myths:

  • “I want a planet of whores...not virgins. Women who are like smoking while you're fucking...‘Are you in me?’” — Bobcat, [26:32]–[27:06]

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5. Bobcat’s Legendary Talk Show Antics (Leno’s Chair, Arsenio, Regis & Kathie Lee)

31:11–44:44 and After

• The Leno Show Incident:

  • Bobcat’s infamous moment: "I set the Tonight Show chair on fire."
    • He details the planning (“opened lighter fluid in my pants while on panel”), legal fallout, and surprise at not being banned—if anything, it only increased his bookings.
  • Had to film a PSA as punishment: “Hi, I’m Bobcat Goldthwait. If you’re ever on a talk show, don’t set it on fire.”
  • On the Burbank fire marshal: “He wanted a 9 or 10, and you just phoned it in. You gave me a six.”
    — [43:00]

• Regis & Kathie Lee:

  • Prepping to fake vomit (epicac) on live TV, patted down by producers to check for it (was in his pocket)
  • Instead, blasts Regis and Kathie Lee with a fire extinguisher live, nearly chokes out the elderly audience

• Arsenio Hall Show:

  • Bobcat spray paints “Paramount Sucks” on the set, smashes monitors, throws furniture

Quote:
“I really thought we'd go, ‘Oh, I'm guilty,’ ...and my attorney, she goes, ‘Plead not guilty.’ I'm like, ah, I saw the footage.”
— Bobcat, [35:05]

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6. News Segment: Weird Stories & Commentary

47:33–end, with returns throughout

• Returned Wallet with $10,000:

  • Alison reports on a Laguna Beach restaurateur getting his lost wallet with $10k in cash back.
  • Adam on people being basically honest, unless they're criminals (“99 out of 100…just walking her fucking teacup poodle”)
  • Childhood story: forced to return $50 at a mall, then split the reward with his sister

• Cyclist Genital Numbness:

  • Review of a study showing bike seats may harm women's sexual sensation too; mocking of “douchey” cyclists

• Quaker Oats Mascot Gets Makeover:

  • Adam, Bobcat and Alison riff on brand mascots getting “younger and sexier”—next up: Keebler elves as NBA forwards.

• Kevin Bacon & Kyra Sedgwick are “distant cousins”:

  • Jokes about incest, genealogy TV, and family trees.

• Colorado Man Shoots Woman with Red Mohawk, Thinking She’s a Bird:

  • Panel cackles at the bizarre Florida-esque scenario.

• Age When Babies Stop Being Cute:

  • Researchers say it's age four and a half; the group turns the conversation toward the relative cuteness (and dangers) of babies, puppies, and the realities of male anatomy funking with age.

Quote:
“Maybe it’s hell for them, actually.” — Alison, reflecting on virgins in the afterlife [28:41]

Another, on deodorizing: “It’s a bullion cube of funk... A postage-size swatch of my sack produces more funk than my entire left leg.”
— Adam, [77:02] & [77:20]

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7. Listener Q&A: Parenting, Jobs, and Blues Music

144:45+

• Call-in advice for a teacher seeking a summer job; Adam riffs that firemen and teachers are overpaid if they can moonlight so much
• Bartender is the best “loser” job, says Adam
• On the blues:
  • “Why don’t we call it the Blacks?”
  • English musicians’ fascination with “cool” American blues culture

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8. Classic Adam Rants: Society, Design Flaws, and the State Lottery

97:56 onwards

• "Why does no one in my house ever close the plastic snap-top?!"

  • Adam details the mountain of frustrations with moist towelettes drying out, household chaos, and “closure” as a parent

• Rant on the evils of the lottery, especially as a state-sponsored “retarded gambling”

  • “It is a horrible idea...almost a dangerous message to send to the citizens.”

• Commentary on parenting, consequences, and the doom loop for kids with no future (“the nerdy guys use condoms, but those aren’t who girls go for”)

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9. Memorable Quotes

• “It’s the only utensil that you couldn’t kill yourself with, but it made you want to kill yourself.” — Adam [05:29]

• “The word ‘fuck’ is super sacred to me, alright? ...Say it or don’t, but you don’t get to imply what it means.” — Bobcat [24:06]

• “I don’t want virgins. I want, like, a planet of whores...” — Bobcat [26:33]

• “If you get a planet of virgins, do you understand how much talking that's going to be?” — Bobcat [27:19]

• “Hi, I’m Bobcat Goldthwait. If you’re ever on a talk show, don’t set it on fire.” — Bobcat [36:02]

• “It’s a bullion cube of funk... A postage-size swatch of my sack produces more funk than my entire left leg.” — Adam [77:02], [77:20]

• “I got married in ’09...makes it easier.” — Bobcat on calling his wife “The 09” [73:10]

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10. Timestamps for Key Segments

• Adam’s “Day from Hell” monologue: [02:23–13:10]
• Riffing on virgin afterlife (“planet of virgins”): [26:00–31:08]
• Talk show stunt tales (Leno, Arsenio, Regis): [31:11–44:44]
• News Stories (wallet, cycling, Quaker Oats, genealogy): [47:33–66:56]
• Funk/ball powder tangent: [76:00–84:00]
• Lottery rant: [111:34–121:00]
• Teen pregnancy, birth rates, social commentary: [123:28–126:48]
• Listener calls, “What Can Adam Complain About?” and more: [144:45+]

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Tone & Delivery

• The tone throughout is classic Carolla: raw, cynical, self-deprecating, but with wit and warmth beneath the sarcasm. The interplay with Bobcat Goldthwait brings in an extra layer of anarchy and left-field comedy, and Alison’s dry, sharp interjections balance the testosterone.

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Overall: This long, freewheeling episode is a tour de force of Adam’s storytelling, Bobcat’s showbiz war stories, and the cast’s skill at riffing on the absurdities of everyday life, pop culture, and their own failings. The highlights are rich comic moments and digressions that range from the state of modern masculinity (and anatomy), to the dysfunction of American values, to meta-commentary on podcasting itself.

If you love the blend of biting satire, wild anecdotes, and dysfunctional family comedy, this is a classic Adam Carolla episode not to miss.

Transcript

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Bobcat Goldthwait]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

Watch Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sofia weeknights on MeTV at 10pm 9 Central.

[Allison Rosen]

Log on to metv.com now to find out where to watch MeTV.

[Adam Carolla]

Free over the air and on cable,

[Allison Rosen]

satellite and select streaming services. MeTV is memorable entertainment Telev.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Foreign.

[Adam Carolla]

Classics I'm your host, superfan Giovanni.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

This is the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show. If you'd like to access the entire archive of the Adam Carolla show as well as The Adam and Dr. Drew show and the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Carolla's substack adamcorla.substack.com Sign up, subscribe, Listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classicsamcarollo.com alright, let's get to the clips. Coming first we have Adam Carollo show 795. This is a live episode featuring Bobcat Goldthwait, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop. This one's from 2012. The audio has been remastered to make it way less harsh on the ears. If you've heard this one before, you probably haven't heard since it originally aired and now you can finally hear it with a much better sound. Also, really fun vibe on this one.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Men in Black, one through three.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Shut up.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Showtime's press, Nothing. They're free 24 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is 7 on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now, pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, get it on. God. Sorry. Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late. God damn. Left my house at 6:30.

[Allison Rosen]

That's way. It's way too late.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, I left my house at 6:30. I bought a six pack, I went to the park. I left the park about 7, 27, 25, but the fucking traffic was still hellacious, I gotta be honest. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. This is Allison Rosen, everybod.

[Allison Rosen]

Aw, what a nice crowd. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

And drunk guy up here, Allison, do you hear? And Bull Brian. Everyone who. Sat backstage, drink some beers and rape.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sat backstage for half an hour but decided it'd be a good idea to take a piss the second I walked in, while they were announcing me up on stage when I had to take a piss after my 90 minute commute. I had the worst day of my life today. So I wrote down a few things because I could. There's no way I could remember the shit storm that was my life this morning. Bobcat Goldthwaite. I'll bring out here in a second. Just a brief 40 minutes on how horrible my morning was. My wife is in New Jersey right now on some dude's shoulders with her top pulled over her head because the boss is on the stage and it's important that she follow him around the country because the worst part is she's

[Producer/Assistant]

not facing the stage.

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's right. When I lost my job in terrestrial radio three years ago and I gave her the talk we need to band together and figure out ways to make money, she said, gotcha, boss. And by that she meant I'm going to follow the. I'm going to double down on following the boss around the country. I was keeping it into more of a regional thing. Now I'm going to spread out. He's going to be in Australia next month, so fuel up the jet. So my wife is out of town, the kids are home for spring break. I don't know why they need a spring break when they're not even in. Oh, my fucking crayon elbow. It's. Oh, it's brutal.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, that's an epidemic.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, coloring those princesses all day and.

[Allison Rosen]

Well. Angry Bird thumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Angry bird thumb. And anyone tried to rip the cellophane off one of those cheese and cracker combos with the weird stick in it lately. Oh, that's a bitch. I'm fucking worn out. How about that super insulting red stick they would give you at least shape it like something.

[Allison Rosen]

If you like knives, you'll love this tiny barrette thing.

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't have a front or back or top or bottom. It didn't have a fucking spoon or scoop or spork or anything. I don't even know what side to hold it on.

[Allison Rosen]

I Feel like it'd be the right kind of knife for someone who has to wear a helmet and sit in a room with padded walls. And they would still find a way to. I'm gonna bring it down.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's funny, it's the only utensil that you couldn't kill yourself with, but it made you want to kill yourself. Like, I didn't think about it. I wasn't suicidal until I saw the thing I couldn't kill myself with. And then I thought I should kill myself.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what utensil goes with that and makes me suicidal actually is the tiny little spoon esque kind of thing that comes with those little ice cream cups.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, the wooden one, the flat one that breaks long way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get. Yeah. You go to the ball game, you pay eight bucks for the carnation malted, whatever ice cream thing that thing is. Actually, it's. It's the only thing they use liquid nitrogen for. Like, it's literally frozen. If you put it on the fucking roof of the dome, it would be rock hard that time next year. Like, it is fucking. It is a brick of ice cream. And then they give you this, this wisp of balsa wood, right? And you're fucking stabbing at it and eventually chops, you're like, I'll put it between my legs and my body heat will warm it and then I'll be able to just fucking lick the top of it.

[Allison Rosen]

And then instead you just got hypothermia.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Who decided we couldn't be trusted with a regular plastic spoon when we have eight bucks and a quart of rock hard ice cream?

[Producer/Assistant]

No bottle, by the way, for throwing on the field. But this rock they give you in like malt form.

[Adam Carolla]

That's true. Yo, you kill somebody.

[Allison Rosen]

You could try.

[Adam Carolla]

You would take you. You could end Albert Poolhose's career with this thing with just one well placed car. Malt frozen malt.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Death by Neapolitan.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, that's interesting. So what's worse, the spoon or that weird plastic thing? All right, anyway, the point is the spoon, the kids. Well, I know because it's not a spoon. It has no. It'd be like if you and your wife said, let's spoon tonight, then you must just lay together like two planks, not making any contact.

[Allison Rosen]

Spooning with less intimacy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right. So. So the kids are home this morning, the wife is gone, and I give the nanny who had the kids all day yesterday. I say, I don't show up till 11 in the morning. Every once in a while, I get a burst of pride and I go, I can raise my own goddamn kids. And it's always worst idea ever. And I don't suggest any of you for a minute attempt to raise. Raise your own children. I'm not suggesting that. It's a dangerous message. So. Oh, so what? So first, what happens last night, which was. Which was perfect, is the goldfish. Sensei is the name of the goldfish. The goldfish dies, Right? All right, so the goldfish dies. So the kids are. Of course, the fish has to die the second the old lady hits the. Hits the road, right?

[Allison Rosen]

It was waiting.

[Adam Carolla]

Can't. Can't die on her watch when she's there to mop up the tears. Gotta do it when I'm doing the podcast. So the goldfish dies. So I come home about 9:30 from the podcast, and Olga, the Guatemalan nanny, says. And I say that because she has a crazy. Her name doesn't sound Guatemalan, but she's very Guatemalan. Yeah. And she says. She says, sensei died. And I said, who's sensei? And then she said, the fish. The fish died. And I said, we got a fish. Who paid for that fish? And anyway, the fish is dead. They buried it in the backyard. They said a prayer and they'll put flowers on it when mama comes back from out of town. And for now, both the kids were crying. They were very broken up about it. Sonny's asleep. Natalia's still awake. And then she says, I told them that sensei went away to heaven, as in a big stream up in heaven right now. So, by the way, this whole thing where you're. Where, you know, if you're a dog, you're at a huge field chasing a giant bone, like, and. But if you're sensei, you're in a giant stream. So what am I gonna be just in front of a giant monitor watching huge you porn? Like, what. What shall I be doing?

[Allison Rosen]

A heavenly iPhone.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't worry, he's got a kegerator. He's knee deep in porn. Like, I mean, how's that story go? He bought a porn. He picked up some porn stars. Like, so.

[Allison Rosen]

So just a Kleenex shot. They say if you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together. At Amica Insurance, we're built for our

[Adam Carolla]

customers and prioritize your needs.

[Allison Rosen]

Visit amica.com and get a quote

[Producer/Assistant]

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[Adam Carolla]

that is bottomless Kleenex box lotion.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right, Bottomless lotion.

[Adam Carolla]

Lotion cascading everywhere. Rivers of lotion, rivers flowing with Jergens, feeding off in heaven, I like to think, when it's raining outside. Oh, wait a minute.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

So my. My nanny says, now listen, we gotta get on the same page because I know you're, you know, Cretan atheist. And she doesn't buy that, and she doesn't believe in any of my beliefs, but she says, look, I told the kids, sensei's in heaven in a giant stream. So, you know, we get. Need to get on the same page for when you go up and talk to Natalia, because Natalia's broken up. She's still awake. So I go upstairs, sunny, sawing logs, and Natalia's awake. And she says, you know, Sensei died. And I said, yeah, I know. And I said, you know, but it's okay. Said, well, where's Sensei go? I said, sensei's up in heaven right now swimming in a giant stream and having the best time ever. And she said, how do you know? And I said, I know, I know. Believe me, I know. And she said, did you talk to Olga? And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know, I know. That's what happens to goldfish. I didn't talk to Olga. She said, you didn't talk to Olga, huh? I said, no. How'd you know the fish died?

[Allison Rosen]

Was she shining a flashlight at you while she was asking?

[Adam Carolla]

I was totally busted. Like, how did I know the fish died if I didn't talk to Olga? It's not like a check on the fish all the time. I walked right in the front door and went upstairs and go to the aquarium by the sink over there. And I was like, thank God I have my improv training to fall back on. I was like, I saw the empty bowl, and I did the math. That's how. That's how I did. But she was com. Busting my chops, wanted to know how I got the information. So kids finally go to bed. I go to bed, 6:30 this morning, there's a bang on my bedroom door. It's my son who gets up at that hour, and he just opened the door, and he just says, father, bad news. And let me guess, he said, sensei's dead. I said, I know. I dealt.

[Allison Rosen]

He's breaking the news.

[Adam Carolla]

I went through all the stages last night before I went to bed, and he says, all right, well, anyway, I'm gonna need to go downstairs and watch myself some Apple tv. So turn on the fucking Apple tv. Which I barely know how to work. Alvin and the goddamn ship, the chipwrecked, you know, 13 on rotten tomatoes. It's expired. I already paid for it, but it expired.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

He wants to go for round two of the super shitty knockoff movie. And I'm like, I don't really want to pay six bucks again for a piece of shit that. So we can watch it for the 10th, 11th, and 12th time, you know, so I'm like, you know, watch a little sports center or something.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Then,

[Adam Carolla]

then, then, then, then Natalia decides to get up. Then they both decide they're hungry and they decide they need me to feed them and they want all sorts of shit for me. I know. And then they, they want to talk to my wife who's in New York. And I'm doing the math and all right, maybe she's awake by now. And Sonny gets on the phone and he says, mommy, two things. We had two things going on. Number one, he looks at me, he said, last night, daddy wasted a bunch of my time. He's still on that. Number two, the fish dive. That was number two. Honestly, he held true promise that he

[Allison Rosen]

was gonna tell on you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he said last night he was gonna tell on me to mommy for wasting his time by kissing him too much. I was wrestling with him when he wanted to play because everyone knows, you know, a piece of advice, you'll have forever to kiss loved ones in your family. That, that goes on in perpetuity. But you only have a finite window to play with plastic dinosaurs. That that window closes and gets painted shut. And I wish as a young lad I'd spent more time playing with shit from China.

[Allison Rosen]

I really do keep plastic figurines close. You never know.

[Adam Carolla]

It's my greatest lament. It's my greatest lament. So he was pissed that I took him away from his plastic dinosaur time. And for a little, little man to man, you know, GRE Roman roaming on the, on the floor of the office there. But anyway, so now I'm up, I'm tired. The kids, I'm trying to find them something good to watch, you know, three 500 DVDs. None of them, they don't watch any of them. All that finally get them one. And I'm supposed to, I'm supposed to do weekend rage on KROC this morning at what I think is 8:30 this morning. And the way weak and rage works is I tell Mike Lynch. Mike lynch, yeah, I tell Mike lynch the night before. Send me a list of like the top 15, 20 things I was complaining about during the course of the week. And he says.

[Allison Rosen]

And then he takes like three hours whittling his thing down.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And then he sends me a big punch list of shit I've been complaining about all week. And then I just turn on the computer, I pick my top three. And when Kroc calls at 8:30 in the morning, I just basically do a free flow jam of my top three complaints.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it ever hard for you to find the anger?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I can always again, summon it. Like all the greats. It's like Ike Turner. You ever run out of steam for beating your old lady? And it's like, no.

[Allison Rosen]

Doesn't your hand ever get chafed, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Sometimes I bust a car antenna and I have to go down to Pep Boys to get a new one. It slows me down a little. But I come back like all the greats. And I said, I know it's bad. So I said, so now I'm in the kitchen and it's 8:20. And I give myself five minutes to prepare. I'm in my bathrobe, I'm hungover, I'm pouring my first cup of coffee and I'm gonna go upstairs and read my email and pick my. You know, I have 10 minutes and the phone rings and it's Kroc. And it's like. And the guy says, thanks for going a little bit early. And I'm like, a little bit early? Yeah, yeah. Instead of 8:30, we're going 8:20. Thanks and thanks, Matt, your assistant, for telling you. And I was like, he didn't say shit to me. And the song, the Porcelain Punisher, and the song is winding down. And that means I have about 34 seconds to come up with three things. And I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I need to see this list. So I say, could I buy another three minutes? And I hear him frantically yelling, put another song on. Put another song on. So he's gonna put another song on. I'm gonna run upstairs. Except for, of course, my computer doesn't work. And then the backup computer my wife left me, the laptop that doesn't function. And then I get my phone with about 40 seconds left and realize that for really the first time ever, Mike lynch has forgot to send me a list of shit to complain about. So now I'm just standing there with my fucking head spinning, going, I got nothing and nothing I had.

[Allison Rosen]

Which is strange because you always do have a lot of stuff to complain about. That's how discombobulated you were.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'll tell you, I'll tell You what it is if you go to the, to the market. And I'm not an asshole. I'm not going to the market. I'm not paying for everything and go to the market. But metaphorically, right.

[Allison Rosen]

One could imagine a scenario where a man would go to a market if you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm not one of those they try hard pussies. It goes to the market. But if I was. If I kept a list and I made a big, a long grocery list and then I went to the market and I was like, oh shit, I forgot the list. Then you're screwed. If you just sort of keep it in your head, you'll do it. But I don't keep anything in my head. I have no idea what I was complaining about. I just tell Mike you give it to me and I'll pick out my highlights. And that's so I'd shut my brain off. So here with my sleep deprivation, standing there with my semi wrecked penis at getting ready to do this thing. I just went. My mind just shut down. I had nothing. So all I could think of was I did this bullshit where I said I don't have three. I got one that's bigger than all three of them.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a problem.

[Adam Carolla]

I basically started complaining about the Westboro Baptist Church. Complain. They were out picketing me in Kansas City last weekend as well as is Glad. I said, who the gets. Who gets picketed by both? You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

A special man. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, you know what? One or the other. Like I said, it's like the Emmys. You know, NBC has it one year and then NBC has it the next year and then CBS and then ABC or whatever it is.

[Allison Rosen]

Take turns, Hayden.

[Adam Carolla]

Take turns. Someone from Glad and someone from the Westboro Baptist Church has to figure out whose turn it is to crawl up my ass and do cartwheels.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't you feel your ass could accommodate.

[Adam Carolla]

But you can't both do it. You're canceling each other out.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So that was the. Oh, oh, oh. And then while I was on the phone with Lynette explaining. But it's got to be this. The goddamn worst is the worst morning of my life. I'm looking at my dog Molly. She's vomiting. Vomiting all over the. And you know what? Here's the thing. I gave her some ribs last night. Like that's it.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're force feeding her meat.

[Adam Carolla]

I sounded so homo doggy erotic there.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't help it when I'm eating a fucking big rib bone. And I'm looking at the dog going, what the fuck? And it's like, you can't have any. But I realize that's what they want. They crave it so badly. I always fuck it. I toss it to them. And then she repays me by regurgitating on the fucking comforter. Four in the morning, bulimic. She's such a puss. Like she can't handle anything. She wouldn't last in the wild. Like, the only way my dog would last in the wild if she became just a, like a bottom for a coyote and got just like, if they went like, let's not kill her and eat her. This one's good for raping. And she just became like a weird prison sex slave.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, you see her and she's like wearing lipstick and has a blacked out tooth.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Pretend like she doesn't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Earrings.

[Adam Carolla]

Teardrop.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Tattoo. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the only way Smalls now got

[Adam Carolla]

the biscuit in her mouth. Yeah. All right. That was my, that was my morning. Ladies and gentlemen. I'd love to. Thank you. I'd love to bring up a guy who's, I would consider a dear, dear friend and super funny guy. Super funny comedian. Worked for the man show for many years, directing many great bits. The great Bobcat Goldthwaite, everybody.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Hello. Hi, everybody.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, love me some Bobcat Bob. I, I think Bob was one of like our first, first celebrity dudes we hung, me and Jimmy hung out with back when we were, he took pity on us when we were on, on Kock back in the mid-90s.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, this is back in the 80s when I had a lot of heat and I was famous and, and now. Oh, has the worm turned?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, listen, I felt the worm turning with Kimmel myself. Don't, don't get me now. I, I, I mean, Bob Me TV is America's number one classic TV entertainment network, airing over 60 of the greatest TV series every week. Now METV presents the Golden Girls of Summer. Showcasing the best of the Golden Girls. Watch Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia weeknights on MeTV at 10pm 9 Central. Log on to metv.com now to find out where to watch me TV free over the air and on cable, satellite and select streaming services. METV is memorable entertainment television. To come into Kroc probably in 94, 95, when Jimmy was the sports guy and I was Burcham. And Bob was always super cool to us and we always dug his work. And later on, when we started the Man Show, Bob at Some point. I mean, Shakes a Clown. Probably the first time directing.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

First, yeah, that's my first movie.

[Adam Carolla]

But Bob started moving into directing and he directed a lot of bits on the Man Show.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Well, yeah, I mean, a lot of folks don't know I direct. A lot of people actually think I'm dead, but I wish I wasn't lying. By the way, live. And he drags and he's creepy. I do like. I like. You know why, Irvine? This is a classy place because the Dave and Buster has valet parking. That's very classy. All right, so I'm sorry about your loss.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The fish. Oh, by the way, I was expecting. Explain to me by my daughter that it's not a goldfish, it's just a fish. It wasn't a goldfish. It was, you know, like, why, what's the difference? To me about $8 that Daddy paid for before we flushed that shit down the toilet.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I think I want to talk about heaven a little bit. I just recently performed in Salt Lake City and yeah, it didn't go over so well. And here's what I found irritating. All the comedians were very nice guys, but they were. And they were funny. But I'm not bitching about the Mormons because they're in Salt Lake because, you know, I mean, that's where they are. You can't bitch about them. It's like when someone, when someone goes, oh, a monkey ripped my face off. And you go, holy shit, how'd that happen? You go, well, I was taking a bubble bath with my monkey and I gave it red wine, right? And you go, well, fuck you. I don't know who the Mormons are in this analogy. That's a bad analogy. All right, so I'm in the hot tub with the Mormons, essentially. And so all the comedians are going on and instead of cursing backstage, they would curse. And by the way, there's plenty of comedians who I think are funny who don't curse. But instead of saying fuck when it would come that time in their act, they're going, what the frick and cheese and crackers and gosh darn it in some big ditch and all these juvenile, make them up curse words. So about. I had an ass load of that about the fourth show, I came out and I go, hey, the word fuck is super sacred to me, all right? So say it or don't, but you don't get to imply what it means. And here's where I lost the crowd. I said, okay, let's pretend there is a heaven in Salt Lake, by the way, I go, let's pretend there is a heaven, by the way. That's not the noise they made. It's like. And I said, do you really think God is up to there wondering who's saying frick or, you know, it's like, let's pretend there is a heaven or Narnia or whatever, Magic kingdom. That's why I said actually, whatever, make them up. And you know, oh, here's my real hostility towards the Mormons comes down to the fact that I worked with a bunch of them for eight months and not once did they try to convert me. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But, oh, I get you like working around gays who don't want to. You, you're like, what, this looks good enough for you?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, I'd probably just. Yeah, but at least you could try.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And I will flirt with a gay man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's go.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, like crazy. I mean, I really flirt. I mean, you know, I don't know where I draw the line. Like, hey, you're me in the ass. Now we're done flirting. No, but no, I do like to flirt with old ladies and gay men. I don't know what that's about, but. And I met. Oh, and I met. When I met Little Richard, my head exploded. I didn't know whether you should have

[Adam Carolla]

went old lady or gay guy or both. Right?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So I worked with Mormons for a long time and not once did they convert me. And I'd bait them and be like, hey bobcat, how was your weekend? I go, I can't believe this is all there is to life. I wish when I died I got my own planet that I got to name all the animals. And that's another religion that believes you get virgins when you die. Yeah, that's really weird. If you want me to join your cult, you better dang a better. You know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck that.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I don't want virgins. I want like a planet of whores. Actually, you know what? I don't even, you know, not even two horse.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe they should just like two 50

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

year old broads who still like to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

But it should be like, it's a lot of really experienced but yet venereal free whores. Like.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, well, it's because most religions are started by oppressed men and they go, oh, when I die, I love virgins. It's like really? I want like, you know, I want. Women are like smoking while you're fucking home.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, let me. Can I.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Are you in me?

[Adam Carolla]

Can I ask?

[Allison Rosen]

You should get A spectrum. You should get the whole spectrum. But.

[Adam Carolla]

And also. Yeah, you should get what you want. Number one.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

Here's the thing.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

If you get like a planet of virgins, do you understand how much talking

[Adam Carolla]

that's going to be?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

How much?

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I waited this long.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I don't know, feigning interest in their friends.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Meeting family, blah, blah, blah.

[Allison Rosen]

I just. I mean, just like, what's going to happen tomorrow? Yeah. How are you going to feel about me tomorrow?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, sweetie, need another Shirley Temple? Are you good? Yeah. Here's the other thing too.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Have you met the Cappy bear? I named him.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never even thought about this. But if. If the place you're going to is inhabited with. With virgins. So you get to fuck. Are you just fucking a bunch of 17 year olds who died horribly in moped accidents before their time? Yes, because did someone have to kill them and put them up there or were they already there? I mean, where are these two supplying the virgin?

[Allison Rosen]

Are they dead? Well, how do we even know that they're dead?

[Adam Carolla]

Or undead just essentially raping some 16 year old who drowned in a pool like before she got her hymen pop. What's going on? I mean. Well, by the way, this is heaven for her. Me and old Bobcat, great saggy balls smelling like malt liquor, just going, hold still. That's part of the deal. And she's like, my fucking life was tragic enough and now I'm being raped by old comedians.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

This is horrible.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe it's hell for them, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe it's hell.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, might be hell. Yeah. So who are.

[Adam Carolla]

How did they get there? Dude, Someone killing them all. Like running low on virgin.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Where's the supply? Volcanoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, volcanoes.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

They're all hot Aztec girls. I mean, again, by milk.

[Allison Rosen]

It's your sacrifice.

[Adam Carolla]

You're 14, you get chucked into a volcano and the next thing you know, me and Bobcat are teaming you.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Fraternity.

[Allison Rosen]

The other virgins would make so much fun of you.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know, it's like to go to prom or graduate high school, that's

[Allison Rosen]

like, just be like the lovely bones non stop.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I gotta figure this out. I want to figure out who's supplying the virgins.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

The virgins in the afterlife. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And also the 72 virgins. Then after you work your way through a few of them, you're like, now I got, you know, 58 or. And then it just whittles down. Would you ration them? How does that. Or is it. Did you keep having. Do they. Do they restock the pool?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's a Good point because 1. One weekend and you could get through half your supply.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

And then what? Yeah. So like. And on day three, now what?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's why I would just have the dick sucking virgin. Oh, that's a cornhole and virgin.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good.

[Adam Carolla]

You're just the two I beat off on. So that way technically, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Still pure.

[Allison Rosen]

Duh.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you're still here.

[Allison Rosen]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the version start forming clicks again.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Again. That's. That's still a lot of work.

[Adam Carolla]

This is horrible.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I'm a little more sensitive. I want a cuddling virgin. Is that so?

[Adam Carolla]

Use my beat off version for your cuddling version if you want, but either way there's some we have to maintain, you know? Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I want someone to watch soaps with.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like you guys could trade your version.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, like at the beginning of the year in school when you get, you know, folders or whatever and then maybe you trade with someone else.

[Adam Carolla]

What if they're like a lot of, you know, 19 year old virgins? Just bad skin, hooked nose, fat weird jewels, funky snaggle tooth there, you know, bad skin and you're like, I'm good. You know what I mean?

[Producer/Assistant]

They're versions for a reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Nice heavyset chick with an A cup and pock marks. And you're like, yeah, I get why everyone passed in high school. And that horrible accident your sophomore year of college. Just. Anyway, we're good. Let's just be friends.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's talk shit about the other virgins.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah. So what are we talking about? Oh, that I'm a director. Yeah. I'm an auteur.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. He's an artist.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I interrupted myself.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So I have a new movie coming out. God Bless America.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I wanted to say. That's right. God Bless America. In theaters now, by the way. God Bless America.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Well, it's on video VOD starting tomorrow, Friday. That's August 6th. I mean, April 6th.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And then May 11th, it opens in various cities around the country.

[Adam Carolla]

And Larry Miller is in this thing and we're just talking about Larry Miller. Actually, I just got a. I feel like an aspect of. You ever have a celebrity call you and sup? Yeah, no. You know, when a celebrity calls you, you have to call them back. Whereas like, if a friend calls, you don't really have to call them back.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Or you have like.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

You got a window. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You got a window for like six months. But I was just scrolling through my phone this morning and it said Jay Leno.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

And I was like, oh, what did. What did J. Jay Leno went. And then I check in my messages and Jay Leno called to ask what's up with Larry Miller. And I guess Jay knew that Larry comes on the show. And Jay's just a thoughtful guy and he wanted to know what I knew about Larry Miller. So I called Jay's sell back but I didn't get hold of him. And it's always the. It's never. Celebrities don't do the. Hey, this is Jay Leno, you know, host of the Tonight Show. Yeah, you've reached my personal cell phone. You know, they don't do that. You just get the weird thing and the beep and you don't know if it's them or not. So you're.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm Kiana.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And I leveled up my business with Shopify.

[Allison Rosen]

Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us. You know, and it thinks about the

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business.

[Allison Rosen]

But Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy use. It's like, I can't stop. I'm addicted.

[Adam Carolla]

Start your free [e-mail]. always scared leaving a message and your number and you. You know, I get a little long winded and stuff. So I called him at home and I called him at his office, but I didn't get hold of him. So now he thinks I'm not calling him back.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So I don't know what to do. But it was over Larry Miller who slipped and hit his head stepping out of a bar to make a cell

[Allison Rosen]

phone call right after he'd done our show.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. He did our podcast. Then he went to have a beer he needed. He. He evidently take the edge off.

[Allison Rosen]

Wasn't it had nothing to do with alcohol. Even though it was at a bar and he was getting a beer. It was. He's just clumsy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And his head weighs more than the rest of his body and it has almost zero padding on it.

[Producer/Assistant]

It's amazing.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a recipe for disaster. Yeah. It's like a lollipop.

[Allison Rosen]

Making jokes about it. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So is he all right?

[Adam Carolla]

Well that's the whole thing. He went into intensive care.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Just.

[Allison Rosen]

But they're saying that he's gonna make a full recovery, and they're just. They just want to observe him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Yeah. So he'll be. He'll be okay, but that's important to me.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And. And I think our. Our buddy Jeff Fox spoke to his wife or something like that, and he's okay. And. And they're just keeping him there for observation, so. All right. By the way, Bobcat's got a movie. Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Thank you. You could have just called Leno back and told him that.

[Adam Carolla]

I could have, but I couldn't.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah. The last time Leno called me wasn't so confident.

[Adam Carolla]

Couch on fire.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, well, the Tonight show, chair on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

But when he called me, he didn't go. He didn't go, hey, this is Leno. You know, he just goes, leno. Yeah, Like. Like, you pick it up. He's like, leno.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that was back in.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

When I said 2 93.

[Adam Carolla]

When was that?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And, you know, and he should have been mad.

[Producer/Assistant]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

Said Bob touched the chair on fire and got him into trouble.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right. Yeah, well, got. Yeah. Myself into trouble.

[Allison Rosen]

Like during. You were on.

[Adam Carolla]

During the show? Yeah, no, he just ran out.

[Allison Rosen]

He was hanging out.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah. We were broadcast.

[Adam Carolla]

He was on the show, and he lit the chair on fire.

[Allison Rosen]

How and why?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I. That's a long story, but it's.

[Allison Rosen]

You're right. No one would be interested in that.

[Adam Carolla]

It was like. It was like pre TMZ and all the Internet, but it was still all over the news and everything. The following couple.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

But I. I had smashed up the Arsenio hall show the week before and caused way more damage on that program. It was like, yeah, like $10,000 worth of damage. But. But the Tonight show charges were filed.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And I. And I had to go to court, by the way. I really thought we'd go, oh, I'm guilty, And get, you know, my attorney, she goes, plead not guilty. I'm like, ah, I saw the footage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there's film. Film of you setting.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I'm pretty sure it's me, you know, not unless there's a third arsonist in the grassy knoll. I might be going down on this one. So my punishment was I had to do TV commercials, which I didn't even know what they were for. I'm like, hi, I'm Bobcat Goldway. If you're ever on a talk show, don't set it on fire.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Back to you, McGruff. Here's your old friend Kelsey Grammer with some safe driving Tips you. Hi, I'm Chris Brown for domestic violence. They just write themselves.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

No, I'm out.

[Adam Carolla]

You stood up, put lighter fluid on your chair and lit.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

More complex than that. I actually had opened the lighter fluid in my pants while I was doing panel. I'm actually squirting it with my ass cheeks, right? And then I said, you know, Atlanto should have been mad, you know, but it was.

[Adam Carolla]

He wasn't that long into that gig at the time, was he? I mean, he'd been there two, three years, I think.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Honestly, I think back then, I truly was afraid of being, like, accepted by him, maybe. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, well, so what happened? You were doing. It was the Tonight Show.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Tonight show. And you're not fired.

[Adam Carolla]

And here's the. The. Here's the difference. When he says doing panel, you know, it's funny because a lot of people don't understand it, but in the business, it's a big deal. If you ask Bobcat to come on and do four minutes of stand up, it's like, it's good, but it's not great. But if you ask him, don't do stand up, come sit next to Jay and be on the panel, then that's the tip of the cap. That's what your agent wants. You've arrived.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Arrived. So. So I've always operated on, you know, how dare you hire me? You know, how dare you like me. But. So, yeah, I set it on fire.

[Adam Carolla]

But what?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And then. Oh, you know what's funny? They invited me on every single talk show after that. People think, like, I got banned, but the reality was, like, because I was on. Oh, there I am. See, there's a little fire.

[Allison Rosen]

What did you use to light it?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It's a. Well, there's. It looks like I'm peeing on it right there. There's a little. I. I have butane in my penis. No, I had. That's where I got the arson charges, because I actually had a barbecue fire starter taped to my wrist.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, oh.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

Inside, like a super villain. Right?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So. So that implied that there was kindling.

[Adam Carolla]

Man, look out, world.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, I mean, but. But what?

[Allison Rosen]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Because I. I do the show as well. And it's like, you try to think of, like, what. What's the genesis of this? Like, how are you going to get into the conversation? Like, what. At what point do you think?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And I said. I said, you know, you know, it sweeps and. Well, here's what. You know, honestly, here's how it went down. Arsenio was getting Fired, right. They put him on after Chevy Chase. So this is a long, ancient history. Arsenio was right after Chevy Chase. 80 markets. It killed Arsenio. Paramount got rid of Arsenio. I went on Arsenio the week before he got his show was over. And then I spray painted Paramount sucks on the backdrop of the Arsenio on his show. And I put my. I smashed a few TV monitors and. And then I started throwing the couches into the audience. And then Arsenio wrestled me down to the ground because I said, hey, man, are you really quitting? He goes, yeah. I go, well, fuck this, you know, let's not make it easy for the next guy, right? Because they were talking about Jon Stewart replacing him. So Arsenio's wrestling me.

[Adam Carolla]

Same demo.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, yeah, same crowd. And he's wrestling me to the ground. And then he whispers into my ear, he goes, hey, man, thanks.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So a week later, Jay calls, they have me on the show, and Jay, before I go on, he walks into my dressing room and goes, hey, don't smash up too much stuff, right? So, you know, it was implied, in fact, the news was there, so it was implied that I was going to do something crazy. Oh, by the way, my daughter was young, very young, and we were coloring and the news came on. Comedian goes berserk. And my daughter was about six maybe, and she goes, ah. I go, watch. Sometimes you act like you don't have a brain in your head.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And I go, it's comedy. And she goes, if it was comedy, it wouldn't be on the news. And her best friend was Eric Idle's daughter. And he goes, lily's dad's never on the news. So like, Eric Idle goes berserk on the Arsenio hall show. So I. So Leno had me on and then I premeditated it. I knew I was gonna light it on fire. I was very self destructive destructive, I gotta say that. You know, I mean, I've made fun of Jay, but I, you know, of course he'd be mad, but, you know, it's weird. He did call me off the air and he's like, so what would you do if I came over to your house and set that on fire? And I was like, well, that'd be weird, Jay, because you're not filming it. It's not. Yeah, it's not on camera, man. That'd be weird, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And he goes, so is Letterman a good guy and I'm an asshole? And I go, look, I don't know either of you you personally. But from where I stand, you're both out of your minds.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And he actually laughed at that.

[Adam Carolla]

And by the way, it's never a yes when they go, how would you like it if I came over to your house? Fill in the blank.

[Allison Rosen]

You know, I. I love it.

[Adam Carolla]

And gave it a nice sweeping them up. It's never that. It's never that. Yeah, it's always something.

[Allison Rosen]

I broke into your house and cooked a nice dinner.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That if I dust.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So. So in his defense, I did set a show on fire, but then I had community service. You know, honestly, you want an exclusive?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

The.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

The actual commercial that I had to do was way more embarrassing. It was really horrible. I had to go, you have to

[Adam Carolla]

do the Bobcat voice.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, I'm really embarrassed. This is what the. This is the actual psa. All right, hang on. I'm gonna do it.

[Adam Carolla]

You remember it.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Relax. I only. I only got one fucking trick. Hang in there. What's that? You want to hear Freebird? So. So this is really embarrassing. I had to go, hi, I'm Bobcat Goldthwait. You know, I can change back and forth. Wow. But if you're seriously injured in a fire, it was horrible.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And then the fire marshal in Burbank didn't like my performance because apparently I was too sarcastic the first time I filmed it. I'm like, if you're seriously injured in a fire, you know? And so I had to refilm the actual psa. I like the fact that the Burbank fire marshal wants to direct. He's like, you know, I didn't feel it, Bobcat. You know, I wanted a 9 or 10, and you just phoned it in. You gave me a six.

[Adam Carolla]

So obviously, prepared statement, Bobby. Let's have fun with it.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Make it your own. If you want to ad lib, go ahead, but it's got to be 30 seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So that was the PSA I did. But yeah. And then. And then, you know, and. And I will def. You know, Jay should be mad. I mean, I did set up.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he told me in his message, he said, how's Larry and Bobcat?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah. But then I. It was funny when I was on Regis and Kelly. Oh, it wasn't Kelly then. It was. Never mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's not talk Kathy Lee.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, Because I was going to vomit on them. That was the plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, because what did you do to prepare for that?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Well, I was going to have epicac in my coat pocket, and then I was Going to get them talking about Cody, you know, and then I was just going to take a big poll out of it and then just vomit. Like Kathy Lee and Gary Shandling heard that, that I wanted to vomit on Regis and Kathie Lee. So he's going, oh, can we tell that story on Larry Sanders? And, and I did. But then I showed up to do their show and they go, where's the epicac? I go, come on, man. That was just a bit. And then they patted me down and it was in my coat pocket.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So. So they gave it. They had a fire extinguisher. They go, we're gonna give you this on the air. Is that okay? I go, yeah, I don't care. So I walk out while they're in a. Take the pin out of the fire extinguisher. And I just blasted Regis with it. He ran off the show and then, and then I shot it up her skirt and she ran up into the audience and, and the. And the crowd was going kind of nuts. But then, you know how those carbon dioxide oxygen, they, they suck the oxygen out of the room. And the audience was really old and they're all screaming and then, then they stopped screaming because they couldn't breathe.

[Producer/Assistant]

You.

[Allison Rosen]

Picture I'm questioning this booking right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture. Yeah, I know he's gonna fling his fecal matter at us.

[Allison Rosen]

When it's time to scale your business, it's time for shopify. Get everything you need to grow the

[Adam Carolla]

way you want, like all the way.

[Allison Rosen]

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[Adam Carolla]

Switch to shop.

[Allison Rosen]

Start your free trial today.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Picture husband Frank. That point, you know, it's just balls deep and some stewardess watching it on television from a hotel room. What the is Bobcat doing to my wife? Yeah, I do that to my wife.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Burning. Sorry. So, yeah, I have a new movie called God Bless America. And it's. It's a film about a guy who is kind of forced into kind of becoming suicidal through a lot of. He's diagnosed with a brain tumor. And what happens is there's a lot of other things that make him really sad. But he's about to commit suicide and he's watching that show my super sweet 16. So he decides instead of killing himself, he'll drive 400 miles and shoot and kill the girl from my super sweet 16. And he does. He shoots her in the face.

[Allison Rosen]

And so it's a family film.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

What's that?

[Allison Rosen]

It's a family film.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sure, sure.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Show it to the kids. And then there's a girl who's a classmate of the girl, and she goes, did you kill Chloe? And he doesn't say anything. And she goes, awesome. And then she convinces him that there's so many more people that need to get killed. And they go off on the road together, killing people. A Westboro type group may or may not die.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. I'd be nice. You want to, by the way. I'm sorry, Bob. You know, I don't want you to give away. Leave something to the imagination, because I feel like if you, you know, tell the entire story.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Tell the whole story, then at the end, Frank realizes that it was all a dream. No, that's not the end. But I will say, spoiler alert, a baby may or may not get shot in this movie.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay. All right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Hey, you. That baby was an.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not all the future, ladies and gentlemen, but I'll tell you the future of news. Her name is Allison Rosen, everybody. She read some news from her iPad.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with if it's Allison.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Allison.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, here's a special local story for our special Irvine crowd. I like that it's about Laguna beach, but that's actually very close to Irvine. Okay. A restaurant tour in Laguna beach left a wallet with $10,000 in cash on a park bench near Main Beach. He took the cash out of the ATM and sat down to enjoy some coffee and make a few calls. And then he got up, minus his wallet.

[Adam Carolla]

He took 10,000?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. There's so much about this.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

Weird.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right, hold on. I know you got a whole nine syllables into your news, and I just have to do a 40 minute Jag, but this thing, all ATMs need to have the max clearly written on them, right? You know that thing where you go in a liquor store and it's like, do you want 20, 40, 60, 80 or other? And you go, other, give me 400. And they go, you've exceeded the amount.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

And then that you keep going again. And before you get down, other is

[Allison Rosen]

like 20 above the max, what the max is?

[Adam Carolla]

And I'll do the max. Put it on every goddamn machine. But

[Allison Rosen]

Grand. I mean, I don't know if he went to multiple ATMs, but you can't,

[Adam Carolla]

because you'd have to use multiple cards because you can't use them that day.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Someone yelled out something. I don't know if it was wisdom about an ATM. Anyway, okay, so he pulled out 10,000 though a good Samaritan found the wallet and turned it into lifeguards who contacted the police. The wallet's owner was shocked the money was still in the wallet and wants to thank the person who turned it in, but he doesn't know his identity.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Allison Rosen]

So the crazy things about this story. 10,000 in cash. Who does that? My boyfriend gave me shit the other day because I didn't even remember my, my pin. PIN code for my ATM card. I never take out cash.

[Adam Carolla]

Mine's written on the back of my card.

[Allison Rosen]

Smart. I should do that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's literally on the back of my card because fuck it, I don't care. First off, I don't lose it. If I did lose it, once every three years would be worth the 400 bucks I lost versus the. I can't remember what the fucking number is. And why are you saying you have

[Allison Rosen]

400 in your account or that's the max the person could get out.

[Adam Carolla]

I, I had, I. Have you guys ever had this humiliating experience? Back when I was super poor, I had the $20 and just the $20 to take out just $20. But I didn't have the $1 for the fee. For the fee. So I couldn't get the 20 because it wouldn't cover the fee.

[Allison Rosen]

Like your 20 was in jail.

[Adam Carolla]

That was. Yeah, that's right. Debtors prison. That lifeguard deserves something too.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, so okay, 10,000 in cash. I don't understand that. And then also someone who turned it in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I do.

[Allison Rosen]

And I don't understand.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I've, I've, I did this experiment. I said that people are genuine, generally good. We did this on the radio show. We threw the wallets down, we threw the cell phones down, we threw the ipods down. We put a phone number on the wall that says, if found, call this number. No credit cards, no id, not just cash. And everyone called it because here's the thing, criminals don't walk around looking for wallets. They stab you and take your wall. That's. It'd be nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Wouldn't it be easier if they did though?

[Adam Carolla]

It would be awesome if the extent of the criminal activity was a bunch of guys walking along the beach with those metal detectors going, I hope someone dropped some shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, here's an Italian horn that must have fallen off of somebody. Well, they'll never see that again.

[Allison Rosen]

There's a hairy 65 year old guy who's missing it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, what criminals do is they deal cocaine and they bust into your house and they rape you and then they clean you out. That's what criminals do. But they don't walk around going, I wonder if there's a wallet anywhere in this park. Well, I'll spend all day looking. So the nine times out of 10, and when I say nine times, I mean 99 out of 100, the person that finds your wallet is going to be just some 52 year old woman who's out walking her fucking teacup poodle.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right? But, but there's no human interest story. If someone did keep the money, it's not like there's a guy who feels like a big asshole because he left $6,000 in a bag on a park bench. Someone took it. It's not a human interest story.

[Adam Carolla]

Rarely.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He told him he could go fuck right off.

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty slow news day.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He's in Vegas right now with a pile of blow and hookers I found. Coming up next, pandas born in the zoo.

[Adam Carolla]

Ooh, I found 50 bucks at the Cherry Hill Mall and my mom made me return it to lost and found.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Pound.

[Adam Carolla]

Loose, loose. 50 bucks. That made me turn and that was

[Allison Rosen]

50 bucks back, back when. That was like what, 70 bucks.

[Adam Carolla]

That was like circa 1969, 1970. That was like 250 gallons of gas back then. And, and, and a Buick to put it in, like, and she made me turn the into lost and found. And somebody claimed it.

[Allison Rosen]

An opportunist who overheard that she was making you return it.

[Adam Carolla]

I bet she claimed it. She claimed it and she gave me a $10 reward. And then my mom sent the worst message of all, which is, you got to split that with your sister. And I was like, what that do?

[Allison Rosen]

Why do you have to tip that out? Was she even there?

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know, don't care. I found the 50 bucks, by the way. That's not how life works. Like, hey, Frank, you're been the number one sales guy over here at Miller Toyota three years running. So we're giving you a bonus and a Prius, but go ahead and split that with the rest of the fucking schlubs you work with.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Your sister's gonna be very excited.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. She got five bucks out of me and she didn't do shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Damn her.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's her incentive to look for money on the floor? No incentive. That's what's wrong with our welfare system. People, people have lost the incentive to look for other people's money on the floor of malls.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Just wait back and wait for the reward money to be split. Well, that's not how it works. Unless you're in the Corolla house.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. What a horrible message. Okay, so we know that bike riding for men can lead to all sorts of problems in the. In the crotch area, like literally numb nuts and erectile dysfunction. But now researchers are saying that there can also be negative effects for women because bike seats are designed in such a way that body weight typically rests on the nose of the seat, which can compress nerves and blood vessels in the genital area. And the female cyclists they studied had less genital sensation compared with a control group of female runners. So what they're recommending.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, all right, couple of things. First off, man, was not. We're not meant to ride bikes. You know, it's 2012, you know, as soon as they replaced the one with the huge front wheel, the massive front wheel guys with a lot of wax in their mustache, you know, driving that bike with a huge front wheel. Yeah. We don't need. I see guys and just because I live around Griffith park and I see guys riding, that's. That is the hub of cycling in Los Angeles. That Griffith Park Observatory travel town area there. And every guy's fat, but sponsored by Shimano or something. I. I bet Shimano would be pretty pissed off to see your fat ass in their outfit, you know?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're going. And they're on that bike eight hours a day. And it's really. They never look any better. They never seem any happier. They're actually pissed off. Like, they do that.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, like, hey, Dick, I don't see you coming up with your little. They have the little rear view mirror that clips on their glasses, you know. Hey, have you seen the marauding bands of weird midnight dude cyclers that just gather up for no good reason? I don't think they have those in Irvine, but they'll do the weird.

[Producer/Assistant]

Like, by the dozens or the hundreds.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a flash mob thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, like critical mass.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like somebody tweets, Next thing you know, there's a bunch of 19 year olds. Yeah. Like a huge pile of douchebags on, on, on Schwins that all just meet on, like, victory in Tahunga at, like,

[Allison Rosen]

midnight douchebags, 160 wheels.

[Adam Carolla]

And then they go out, and they go out like a big swarm of high crows, you know. Like stoned. And they. They take over the whole street. And I was driving home from the podcast. I was driving home to the shop once. It was like midnight and they took over the whole, like a big swarm and they drive in both lanes. There's a whole thing is like, you, we own the night. I was like, you, I got a Lexus ISF with 441 horsepower. I'm going right around you big pile of douchebags. And I just threw it down into low and just blew right around them. And they were all like, whoa, what the fuck? And I was like, hey, douchebag, you started this douche boulder rolling. You know, you know the fucking guy who builds the big douche boulder and then pushes it up to the top of the hill and then pushes it down the hill. And then when you get out of the way, he goes, what the fuck? It's like, you started this. You took up both lanes.

[Allison Rosen]

You can't put the douche paste back in the tube.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. You cannot get that douche paste back in the tube.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You ass wipes at midnight decide to take up both lanes of victory in Glendale. And I'm going around you. There's nothing worse than an angry 19 year old, is there? Because they're pissed off about nothing and

[Allison Rosen]

they're fucking and they have the energy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they got a lot of time. Yeah. Oh, you're wearing black shants. I'm intimidated now. Shut up now.

[Allison Rosen]

One more thing about bikes, though. Have you noticed that the. Okay, so there's like a whole, you know, pack of traveling douches on. On fancy bikes. And then there'll be the one guy on the recumbent bike. I feel like the recumbent bike is getting more and more like your feet are straight up in the air.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

No, it's okay. It's like. But the one I saw recently, I swear the guy was much lower than his feet. He was like pedaling where your arms are.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's the one where the. Where the thing is up above your head like a. Like a disco ball and you're sucking your own dick while you're pedaling. That's how you power yourself. You're blowing in your. That's what's powering your leg.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you have Gatorade? Coming through it.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about these dudes is I've talked about these guys in my stand up. They're always alone because of the biggest douchebags on the planet. They can't even get four of them together. You'll see whole packs of guys on 10 speeds going through Griffith park. And then they. One dude just pedaling alone.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's always doing that thing where he's like, you know, this is 42% more efficient than an actual upright 10 speed. It's like, how come never seen one of you guys win the Tour de France in one of these parka loungers? You're pedaling down Griffith park highway here.

[Allison Rosen]

Hey, leave the remote control at home, guy.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And I always want to know, I always want to ask these guys, like, which is it? Are you super motivated or super lazy? Because on one hand you've just pedaled 26 miles, on the other hand you haven't sat up yet today. You know, like, which is it? Are you getting, Are you sitting up or aren't you? I hate these guys and their wives hate them and everyone hates them.

[Allison Rosen]

Attach a wheel and pedals to a bed, like a twin bed, one that maybe lifted up a little.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I would do that at the beginning of the monkeys. All right.

[Allison Rosen]

That would be good. Exercise in bed. Speaking of exercise, the Quaker Oats guy has received a makeover. The smiling white haired man is sporting a slimmer face, broader shoulders, and a tamer hairdo by degrees.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Allison Rosen]

The 134 year old brand has got this makeover because PepsiCo, which owns Quaker, wants to help consumers associate the products with energy and healthy choices.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

And they say they took, it's about five pounds off of him.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, they took five pounds off him. His chin.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, they got rid of the chin.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He had some plastic surgery.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It looks good.

[Allison Rosen]

It's. Yeah, exactly.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And now they're adding Axe cologne. Yeah, I don't know if you're gonna make it a little more hipper. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sniff the tube and I don't know. But this is fine. Except for where does it end? Slippery slope.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, 20 years from now, huge guns with a tribal tattoo, you know.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks like someone from Jersey Shore.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But still Amish or Baker, actually, because eyebrows all plucked. Yeah, he's, he's, he's smiling and doing one of those things with his finger like a pistol.

[Allison Rosen]

She's gone.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

But see, what if they were to change the flavors too though, huh?

[Adam Carolla]

I, I don't know. I like, I like the fat Quaker Oats guy. Like, I, I don't, I don't mind that.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I like.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's make the Keebler elves tall and yoked.

[Allison Rosen]

And let's make them not even Elves.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I want super tall, rangy. I want a. I want an elf that could play power forward for the cow. For the Dallas Spurs. Yeah, everybody.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the. Whatever. Spurs. Sorry. In the fucking San Antonio. Whatever the fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

So in entertainment news, and also incest news, Kevin Bacon and his wife, Kyra Sedgwick participated in an episode. Episode of the PBS series Finding youg Roots.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think they have competition? Like, whose face is more defined every night? Yes, I think mine is.

[Allison Rosen]

They're like, okay, now you throw a quarter at my cheekbones.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No fair. You're sucking on a lemon. Relax.

[Allison Rosen]

This is just my face.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let's see who has a skinny chin.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I used to love him, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, he was a bit of all right. Yeah. No worries about the Quaker Oats head on those.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

No.

[Allison Rosen]

And he said. She said days. I may be the only. Only person who's seen this movie anyway. Kevin Bacon and Curious Edric participated in this show, Finding youg Roots, in which host Henry Louis Gates Jr. Looks into the genealogies of famous Americans and they discovered their distant cousins.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to do that show. I watched that show. I just watched it with Barbara Walters.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

I want to do that show so they can trace my roots back to, like, a black slave and I can pitch a fit like. Oh, fuck. Oh, you shitting me. God damn it. No, no. And I break the table and go out just cause a huge kerfuffle because

[Allison Rosen]

you wanted your line to be pure.

[Adam Carolla]

I just think it'd be funny. I didn't be funny. Yeah, I saw. I just saw them. They. They traced the roots of Barbara Walters, and they traced the roots of the black guy who started the. Oh, who did Waiting For Superman? Who's the. Not. Not the filmmaker, but the right man. They made the film. One of the films about which was the guy who re. Reinvigorated the inner city school. Whatever. They.

[Producer/Assistant]

The administrator guy.

[Adam Carolla]

They did the. They did the thing about her and him and her original name and all that kind of shit. So it's kind of interesting.

[Allison Rosen]

They find interesting stuff because in. Because when people sign up to do the show, they agree and they sign something that even if the. What they find is uncomfortable, they will air it.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, like Robert Downey. They found out they were brother and sister. They've been fucking all this time.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, they did find out there were cousins.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Distant cousins.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Holy.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the thing. They're six degrees. The distant cousins, and they both came from slave owners.

[Adam Carolla]

I told you. Look at Their faces. I know.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what I'm saying.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I allegedly have a relative who was one of the guards for Lincoln.

[Adam Carolla]

Really? Yeah, I could see that.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That

[Adam Carolla]

we had like a short, pudgy one that, like, he did a great job. Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Who was drinking.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He's like, I've seen this play.

[Adam Carolla]

Boring.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You always need a guy protecting the President, who's drunk, a little bit pudgy, a little bit short, likes to play with fire, and talks in a weird voice.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So, yeah, I think I have an ancestor. I was getting tight during the.

[Allison Rosen]

How'd you find this out?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

My dad's kind of proud of it, or he was kind of proud of it. It's like a great, great, great, great, great.

[Adam Carolla]

He stopped being proud of it or he died.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

My dad passed away.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So he didn't wise up, but he died proud. He still. Till his dying day. You have nobility in you.

[Adam Carolla]

You know,

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

you are great, great grandfather a shit face.

[Adam Carolla]

When Lincoln, if he saw Police Academy, he would never stop throwing up.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I. I think he would have been fine in Police Academy, actually.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jump off the old block.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So evidently, Robert Downey Jr. Discovered there was a gruesome murder in his family's past.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? It's all kind of fun, isn't it?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

My.

[Adam Carolla]

My family is so fucked up. My mom and my grandmother hate each other. Hated each other so much that one of them's dead. I'm not going to say which one. My. My grandmother, after she had a couple glasses of white wine, would brag that we had some distant relative that was in the Daughters of the Revolution or something like that. And my mom would always go, yeah, probably not like right in front of my grandma. And then they'd get into an argument in a separate room. It was awesome. A real feel good moment for the Corollas.

[Allison Rosen]

So they found out that they're distant cousins. Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

Some rare bragging in your household. That's not very.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not very common. What's that?

[Producer/Assistant]

Some rare bragging in your household.

[Adam Carolla]

What?

[Producer/Assistant]

The grandma bragging.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, bragging. Yeah. Sorry. Weird. Oh, bragging. Yeah. Very rare.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know what that. Very unusual. Yeah. My grandmother would brag a little. No, no. One. Her policy was, was don't say anything nice to anyone who's alive. That was her policy.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. Never speak, only living.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Speak ill of the living. That was her thing.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure Kevin swimming around in that giant stream with the virgins. That.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That giant river. Yeah, that Giant river chased by predator fish.

[Adam Carolla]

Saying great things about me right now.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Sensei is being eaten by a carp right now.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That's what she remind me to call sunny.

[Allison Rosen]

So you know my feeling that Colorado is becoming the new Florida. Okay, so we, you guys probably maybe, you know, we play this game Germany or Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Because, Adam, it was your observation originally, right. That fucked up things happen in Germany and also in Florida.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And I feel I've noticed a trend which is they're also happening in Colorado. For example, a Colorado man. Someone disagrees.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, what do you give a fuck for? By the way, do you live in Colorado anymore? You grew up there, but you moved, right? Put it behind you. Well, I'm saying it's like, how much could you love this place called Colorado? At some point you hit 21 and you went, fuck it, I'm moving. I'm gonna go to Irvine and annoy an entirely new group of people.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

At least some ambition to show my Colorado pride.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

All right. Quiet, mom.

[Adam Carolla]

Go Golden Buffaloes.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. A Colorado man was sentenced to five years probation after accidentally shooting a woman whose red Mohawk he mistook for a bird that had been harassing him. His cats.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that not Floridian? That's downright Floridian. Darryl Rockwell told. No offense, Florida. Darryl Rockwell told police that he grabbed his.22 caliber rifle and set out from his home to fire at the bird after spotting it at the top of a Hill about 90ft away. But after shooting at the bird, the man said he noticed it didn't fly away. Which even if it were a bird, it probably would. Wouldn't fly away after being shot at. And he reported hearing a woman moaning in pain. He soon discovered that he'd shot a 23 year old woman in the head, mistaking her red Mohawk for the menacing bird. He told the judge that the woman may have passed out from. Oh, sorry. The police told the judge the woman may have passed out from alcohol before being shot. Police officers also found a bag of suspected methamphetamine near where she was shot.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, all right, now hold on.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That's three stories in one, right? That's a cornucopia.

[Allison Rosen]

Thank you, Colorado.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Apparently, Colorado said, I see you're crazy. Florida and I raised.

[Adam Carolla]

I had a cousin that went the same way. So I'm not gonna joke about this.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Producer/Assistant]

Okay.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He shot the bird. This is a tenacious bird that was harassing this cat, first of all.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Hey, cat.

[Adam Carolla]

Fuck you, right?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I can turn myself into a meth head at any time. I have superpowers. I hate Colorado. I just ate shit in Aspen. I bombed, man. I bombed so fucking hard in Aspen.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Really?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, they really hated me. How long.

[Adam Carolla]

How many minutes of bombing?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I was up there, I ate shit for a good 35 minutes. 40 minutes. In the middle of the set, I go, you're why Hunter S. Thompson shot himself. Himself in the face.

[Adam Carolla]

That'll bring him back in.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

My def. Always sucking up to the locals. Yeah, in my defense, I was about 20 minutes into that, but.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

You know, you got to suck.

[Adam Carolla]

Where are you funny, Bob?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Where am I? Anywhere where it's still the 80s, okay? Honestly, I'm talking huge.

[Adam Carolla]

Aspen in Utah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Peoria. I'm a king.

[Adam Carolla]

No, she was passed out when she was shot.

[Allison Rosen]

Evidently. They say she may have been passed out.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I don't know. Because she was shot in the head.

[Adam Carolla]

Did she die?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think so.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I. 22.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, no, no, she didn't. She didn't. She. But they couldn't find her because she moved out of Colorado.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Wow. See that? So now on one hand, you think, well, that guy was just drunk, right? Like, you couldn't. He'd have to be drunk or, like, nearsighted or something. But on the other hand, he's a crack shot, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hey, let that.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe she had a giant head, though. I don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

Let that be a message to all you birds that want to fuck with cats. And by the way, if any animal deserves to be fucked with, I'd say it's a cat. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Really? I. I walk around like their shit.

[Adam Carolla]

I walk around like their shit doesn't stink. And yet it stinks the worst of all.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I. As a cat owner, I like cats,

[Adam Carolla]

but let's face it, they need to be brought back in line every once in a while.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

You know, I have four cats. I have. I have the detective, Carla Whiskerson. She plays by her own rules.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Peeps Larue. She's French Canadian. The widow, Madeline Perman. Her husband died in the war. Don't bring it up. She sleeps under a needlepoint of General Imperman. And then. Oh, Squeaky from. That's my last cat I found. Yeah. My wife says I'm the Schindler of cats. Cause I've rescued four cats.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

She's like, no more.

[Adam Carolla]

That's nice.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I woke up with peeps making biscuits on my nuts the other night. And I was Dreaming that I was scratching my own nuts at the same time. So my nuts started floating around. I'm like. Because I woke up and I realized that I wasn't scratching my nuts. And I tore the sheet off and then clink. Her claws went right into my sack. And we had a really weird moment. We're looking at each other like. And she was scared. Like, I didn't mean to do this. And it was like waking up in a Saw movie, you know? I said to the 09, I'm like, that's my wife, the 09. And I'm like. I'm like, help me. And she's like, what do you want me to do? I'm like, don't cut the blue cable. But I like cats. I got.

[Adam Carolla]

I like cats too. I'm just saying, you know?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

But if a cat likes you, you gotta earn it, you know? I mean, that's tried and true material, but a cat, you know, cats aren't whores, you know, they don't give it up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Dogs would jump in a car with a stranger, like, oh, they don't care. We're going for a ride, you know?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

My cat would just tell you to cram it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I, I, I know. Yeah. You have to earn it. Like, cat. If a dog, if it was me, I don't know what.

[Producer/Assistant]

Just.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That was me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. My. The only thing separating my dog, moving to a new home is like, one Slim Jim. Like, yeah, a, A rapist pedophile clown could just come into my house with, with one Slim Jim and go, you want to come back to my trailer and live with me in the Mojave Desert?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, sounds good. You gotta forget all the love and attention and money, and it'll all be out the window. No, that's it. One Slim Jim away from moving into the pedophile clown's trailer in Mojave Desert. One Slim Jim. And I remind myself of that every day. Every day. There she is when she had an ear. Does she have two ears there?

[Producer/Assistant]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

[Allison Rosen]

What do you call your wife?

[Adam Carolla]

09.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Oh, the 09.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Makes it easier.

[Adam Carolla]

Different models.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I got married on the 09.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, okay. How romantic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he hasn't. He has an 87. Yeah. He almost had no one, and now he's 09. Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Low miles.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right,

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

the 09. Never mind. I won't tell that story. All right. Speaking of things, the 09 still smells good. Thank you, sir.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Hey, drunk lady. Listen to this guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He's got to say this, Bob, he's

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

got some good shit over here.

[Adam Carolla]

Point is, the 09 may be pissed off, but the OT14 may be out in the audience. Who knows?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That's true. The 09 has got that new car smell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

A fresh interior. Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, so researchers have figured out at what age babies or children stop being irresistibly cute. They've actually pinpointed the age and they say it is four and a half. That's when the ugliness sets in.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Weeks.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Their facial.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I think it's days because I. I love cats. I fucking hate babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I like puppies. I mean, I like babies too, but I just feel like puppies are cuter for the most part.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

They've got more miles on them.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And when's the last time a baby sank its claws into your sack?

[Allison Rosen]

For me, a really long time ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's been weeks for me.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Okay.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So Sonny doesn't use your sack as a speed bag.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the good news is, is I have extra sack now, so.

[Allison Rosen]

Is that an age thing?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's. It's kind of like a lizard's tail, you know, Part of it's for protection.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, hold a part of my sack and just break away and I could run to freedom.

[Allison Rosen]

It's smart. Keep that around.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Decoy sack.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm definitely have more sack than I need. Maybe it's one of those ugly American things. You know, There's a lot of kids out there that don't have enough sack to get by. We have enough sack for four men, you know, we hardly use it. You know what I mean?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

But your.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Your sack keeps.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a first world.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Not ascending. Descending.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Ascending. It's the rapture, my nut.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what they say, Your nose in your sack never stops growing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

In your ears.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

But no one tells you that when you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a horrible message. I mean, it's a horrible. Like if someone just said to you in high school, look, your biceps are going to shrivel. Every muscle in your body is going to atrophy. You're going to start sprouting hair out of places that make chicks want to vomit if they see it.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

But don't worry, your sack will soon get so big it'll dwarf your cop.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right? And it drops. It ends up. Is it like no matter who you are, no matter how young you are, someday you're gonna sit on your nuts

[Adam Carolla]

and there's a whole torsion factor.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

You know what? And you're gonna need Gold bond, and you don't even know what it is, young man. No, let me tell you, it is the sweetest ever. It's old man baby powder. Keeps everything like a bell clapper.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Since I discovered Gold Bond, I have not seen you.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait, you guys both powder your nuts?

[Adam Carolla]

I talc up.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, he's a talcum. I'm gold.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the first thing Jimmy told me.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Mine's a little. Mine's a little, like, minty.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's got a little zing to it. Well, the gold bond has a. Has a little kick to it. Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I'm looking at Allison right now, and whatever crush she once had on me is gone.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I confessed that to you.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I heard.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you had a crush.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I talked about it on a podcast

[Adam Carolla]

as soon as I self esteem.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

As soon as I started talking about my agent. Yes, she's just like her eyes went to the back of her head.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, the mentholated powdery balls.

[Adam Carolla]

The thing about the thing about the ball sack too, is the ball sack produces more funk per square millimeter than any part of your body. A postage size swatch of my sack produces more funk than my entire left leg.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's not like everyone goes, man, is your. Your knee smells like. You know what I mean? Elbows, knees, thighs, calves. They don't smell like a sack will take up a whole room and.

[Allison Rosen]

And you're offended by the scent of your own sack?

[Adam Carolla]

No, actually, I quite enjoy it. But I do understand I have this planet with others who don't share my dream.

[Allison Rosen]

Share your zest.

[Adam Carolla]

Am I. Am I zeal for the scent of my own sack? And so it keeps growing, and thus the potential for funk keeps growing.

[Allison Rosen]

So much surface area, you can't.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

But it is the most condensed form of funk.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Like if a fingernail size of scrotum funk fell into the water supply in

[Adam Carolla]

la, you know, the EPA would have

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

to shut LA down and we would all.

[Adam Carolla]

I like to also figure it out too, because I think. I think at the rate I'm going, if I make it to 81, my sack will have enough square footage to cover the inlet of a 747 jet engine.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Like if you stretched it, pulled it

[Adam Carolla]

tight like a drum. You know what I mean? Pretty sure.

[Allison Rosen]

Hang on to that.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta hang on.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

In your golden years.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, God willing, we see that test God willing, we see that test on the tarmac at LAX.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Sure.

[Allison Rosen]

And 33 really is the most concentrated.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Piece of funk.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a bullion cube of funk. I'll tell you it last. It's like you could have seven. You could have enough forehead to cover Nevada and you wouldn't create the same body funk of one postage stamp of sack.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe that's why they never use it in skin grafts. I'm assuming they don't. I mean, because you have excess skin right there.

[Adam Carolla]

Imagine if you got burned and someone put it on your eyelids and you're like, what the is what did you dip your. Who have you been blowing?

[Allison Rosen]

Stop blinking.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Stop blinking. You're shooting it at me.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Wait. But what I'm saying is why do people never use their sack as like a weapon? Cuz skunks will spray.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Sure. That's a superhero I'm working on currently.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a Davey and Goliath. Sort of. I mean, a Goliath versus a David. Sorry. If they go to the cartoon. Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

We could swing it around Davey, throw it smell.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Throw it like a slingshot. But then you'd go after it. It'd be a bad strategy for fighting.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It's like your hands stuck in a bowling ball. It is a scrotum.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So about babies. Yeah. But here's the thing. Dump the talcum down the shorts. All right.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

And it doesn't work well with boxers because it all just falls out in here.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah. And. And I've made that mistake.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You're just. You're like bottomless under underpants and you're filling. You're filling up one of your uggs. You know, I fucking. No, don't do that. Briefs.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I can only hope when I've done that in hotel rooms, there's been like some drug addict made going. You know, he is in show business.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Now I've had the.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

They're doing mad bump ball powder. Hey, hey, can I tell a ball powder story quickly?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what? We run a pretty clean show here.

[Allison Rosen]

That would be inappropriate.

[Adam Carolla]

As long as you don't stray.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I forgot about the story. My friend Tony used to be the American tourister gorilla. I don't want to name drop. All right. But you remember they had the two. The gorilla. And he'd be in the cage and, and, and, and, and so I thought

[Adam Carolla]

he threw around Samsonite.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

No, his American tours. And so Tony got a job being the gorilla. And the gorilla would show up at malls. And he had a twenty thousand dollar gorilla suit that Rick Baker had made.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And it had all the muscle structure and. And then. But the, the gorilla suit had a better deal than Tony. So it would travel ahead.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

With its own guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And then Tony stuck traveling with me and we would do stand up comedy. Then I'd meet him, he'd be in a hockey rink as the gorilla.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And so. So it's a glamorous life. So Tony's weighing about three, about 300 pounds at the time of this story. And we're going out of the Canadian customs and we get yanked out of line. And the, the Canadian authorities are going through our luggage. And he was having a big chafing problem like we're discussing. And even putting baby powder under his tights around his crotch to prevent chafing. So as they're going through our luggage, the guy finds these baby powder rocks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That are made from crotch sweat. Right. And he goes like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, on his tongue.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He licks his finger and he picks

[Adam Carolla]

one up, street value zero.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He picks up a nice rock of baby powder, ball crack. And then he tastes it on the tip of his tongue. And I like to think I'm kind of witty. All I could say was, his balls.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, his balls.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That's what I kept saying. Needless to say, I missed my flight.

[Adam Carolla]

He. When they were doing, doing the whole customs training thing, that part where they went like, hey, if you found suspicious white powder, you can test it this way. And then he got up to go to the bathroom and they went, but never do it that way in case the American tourist or gorilla is traveling through your province and he has one of those big sweaty ball talcum things and you end up putting that in your mouth. I've done the thing where it's hard to regulate talcum powder. Like, it's hard to measure it. You know, it's like either none, same bottle forever. It neither none comes out or it all comes out. It's that same thing. You ever do that thing where you're drinking like a Pepsi or Coke and it's got the crushed ice and you do that move where you pop the cap off and you tip it and it's like nothing, nothing. And then avalanche of slushy under your eyelids, in your ears. Like it all, you know, like every chunk of ice at the simultaneously goes, go, go, go. Like it's like, it's. It's one of those things like one of those. You ever see those great things like Pelican Bay behind the scenes and there's that one crazy black guy in his underpants and he's yelling at all the huge white ex football player cops that are in the full outfits going, come on, bring it on. And they all bust into the cell at the same time. That's what happens to your face. Yeah, but with ice, it's even worse.

[Allison Rosen]

Ice is like, all right, let's give it to this motherfucker right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll just fucking take off at once. But the talcum is the same way. It doesn't work. I like to wear the boxer briefs. I don't know what you wear.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, I'm sporting.

[Adam Carolla]

But you have to have something that grabs it. Otherwise it just falls through the leg and out the pee hole. So you do the thing where you lift it out a little bit. You give it a little shot. If you're doing something, by the way, you have to judge the talc by what the task is. You know what I mean? Like, if I. The other day, I was down in Long beach doing a little celebrity grand prix driving, and I knew I was gonna be in my fire suit turning a few hot laps over there in the streets of Long Beach. I gave an extra shot of talc because I knew it'd be working up a nice race in ball sack, you know, funkoin. But I do this thing all the time, which is I prematurely talc up, and then I take two steps toward the front door, and then I go, oh, man, I got a shit. And then I go into the toilet, and I drop the shorts, and it's just a huge cloud of towel. It's all over the floor. It's all over the toilet seat. It's up de talc to myself.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah, I did that once and made something that looked like a cruller.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Sweet.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I'm not proud, ladies and gentlemen.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like a rumball.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It was a. It was a nice. It was a gold bond encrusted duke. All right, all right.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's bring it home, Alison.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Let's bring it home. I am barf.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Sip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. That was the news with Allison Rosen. I should. Yeah, Bob.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

No, no, I. We're talking about the T. You know, TSA and the 09. She got. I got. This is a true story at lax, I always get patted down where they. They go. It's. They go, we're gonna touch you with the back of our hand. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, but, like, that's unobtrusive, you know? Oh, it's the back of your hand. I can hardly Even feel that on my nuts. Also, why not fist me if you're gonna use the back of your hand?

[Adam Carolla]

I would argue the front of the hand has more calluses, thicker skin and less feeling. It's probably more sensitive. You know what I mean?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

You don't wanna be cupping it and.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Right.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It's 100% true story. I got really quiet and she's like, what are you doing? I go, I'm getting a boner. And I really successfully worked up an erection.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And at the lax thing, because if the guy was going to pat me down, I wanted him to, like, go, you know, wow, donk. You know? And I'd be like, I love travel. Yeah. But then he was super friendly and I immediately lost my erection. He's like, oh, hello, Mr. Goldthwaite.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, oh, he knew. Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah. No, I. Yeah, I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I never. You never know. That's the one problem with being semi famous. When you go through the airport, you don't know if they know the thing and you don't know if they're doing what they're doing because they want to around with you.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't know who you are. I was just telling you, I had the pulled out of my bag. They sent the bag through, then they took all the toiletries out, and then they put it in the Ziploc bag. And then they send the Ziploc bag through, but they also send the main bag through again because it's a goddamn science. Like, why does the fucking rest of the bag with the stinky underpants? And by the way, let me tell you something about traveling with talc. Oh. You'll get three, four days wearing out a pair of those underpants. When you talc up, don't make the face. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I mean?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

On the road, Bob, because you're much more recognizable. But do you have the tsa? Always. Always while you go, they'll ask you, like, you were in that movie. Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, I get. I get a.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Well, I get that for hours at the T. You were in People in General. Remember that movie you were in with the. The Horse and.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Hot to Try. Oh, remember that movie you were in with Bill Murray? Yeah, that was Scrooge.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Remember that movie? Yeah, I fucking remember all of them. Right? I was there, all right? I haven't had head trauma. I'm not Gary Buck, you see? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, do you remember that time we were at the airport and you wasted half my day Asking me about stupid movies that I clearly remember.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Remember that movie? And then I was like, you were in that thing with the beer. I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Adam Carolla]

I. I have the. I've had. I've had a. I had a good one once. My. My best one was the One dude and his drunken friend. And his. The One dude was saying, dude, I know you. I know you. I know you. I know you. And then he was like, like, where did you play Pop Warner football? And then his buddy would say, dude, from the man show. You know him from the Man Show. And he'd go, shut up. Shut up. Where'd you go to high school? Where'd you go to high school? And his friend was Kept yelling, the man show, man. Or Loveline or the Man Show. And they're both drunk, and they both do it like, guy, dude, bro talk. You know, Guy be like, shut up, dude, I know this guy. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you. Do you date a chick named Amy? And I'm like, hold on. It's probably just. Just kept screaming, the Man Show.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I. I truly did have a woman at the Oakland airport say, I don't mean to insult you, but you look like Bobcat Gold.

[Allison Rosen]

That's perfect.

[Adam Carolla]

I had that too, but that's good.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I didn't have a goddamn thing to say back. I was like,

[Adam Carolla]

we're not going to do any better than that. Bobcat Goldthwait, everybody.

[Producer/Assistant]

The film.

[Adam Carolla]

God bless America. God Bless America. Movie.com. and still got a man. Great to give away, by the way. The greatest. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Heaviest.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. 100 cast iron. 100 made in America. A. We're selling them for 20 bucks, which is Feel. Feel, man, feel. Feel the way. Feel. Lean forward. It's on the edge of the stage. See if you can. If you can hoist it. You're loud on stage.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

She didn't want to bend over in front of you.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel the. The heft of that. Can you imagine? Try to lift that. See if you can hoist it over your head.

[Allison Rosen]

Don't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

If you can hoist it above your head without a tampon firing out of you, I will. I said without people. That was tasteful. No, I. I say if you can hoist it, you can have it. There you go. That's fantastic,

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

man.

[Adam Carolla]

Great. You hit the.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I was spotting her, but. 20 tampon.

[Adam Carolla]

Feel that thing. Have the hubby feel that thing. That's great for grilling. 100 cast iron. 100 made here in the US of A. I like when people add of.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, oh, that one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that one. I thought it was just the USA normally. Confusing, right? 20 bucks. Adam Corolla show special. Just click on the man great [e-mail] and you get the grilling brush in that box too, baby.

[Allison Rosen]

Adam Corolla grilling brush.

[Adam Carolla]

The Adam Carolla Grillin brush. I'm gonna be at the pageant theater Friday in St. Louis. That is Friday the 20th. I expect to see you all there. And then the following night at the Fitzgerald theater, Saturday the 21st in St. Paul. Mean Dennis Prager are gonna be up the PCH over there at Spreckels Theater May 5th in San Diego. And again, you want to support the pirate ship, you're going to buy something on Amazon. Go ahead and click through Adam Crow.com and hit the banner. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Bobcat Goldweight, Allison Rosen and B. Brian saying mahalo. All right, that's Adam KOF795. Coming up next, we have Adam K of 799 special episodes to Adam, Alison, Brian, and what can't Adam complain about. The audio on this one has also been improved. Make the bell a little less painful. Hope you guys enjoy. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast One Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration, and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast One's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your passion into profit. Visit podcastonepro.com to get started today. Podcast One Pro, the power behind the podcast. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, Love that jingle. Oh, oh, oh. So they're in the business of keeping your car on the road. We know that. They're also, you know, I don't have too many car issues. Usually I can figure them out, but if I can't, I go to O'Reilly. And they got all the stuff there. Mostly stuff for me because the new stuff's like a computer, but my vintage cars, man, I can get a lot of parts from O'Reilly. They got thousands of parts in stock either in store or online. So you never have to worry if you get in a jam. Also, they'll test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. So whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly Auto Parts. Right, Dawson? Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Men in Black, one through three.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean girls. Shut up. Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Allison Rose.

[Allison Rosen]

Hello, Adam. Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

Good day, Bald Brian. Wawa Wubsy is for retards.

[Allison Rosen]

I've had that song stuck in my head ever since you mentioned it.

[Adam Carolla]

You know why?

[Allison Rosen]

Crazy. Because I'm the coolest.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. You don't have to do. You don't have to wipe your ass. I don't even know why you bothered so liberating. And flossing. You're the fucking coolest. You don't have to do anything. You just sit back and. And by the way, you sit in a pile of your own filth. Everyone will know you're the coolest. That's the message.

[Allison Rosen]

They'll smell your coolness from my.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I'm never gonna stop screaming at my kids. Don't try. That's how you become the coolest.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why. Little guy by the name of Richard Branson. You know how he got to be Richard Branson?

[Allison Rosen]

Just being himself.

[Adam Carolla]

Not by trying. Not by dressing. Not by trying to impress anybody. It's a waste of my time. Yeah. Oh, sonny. Hey, buddy. If you want to get laid, don't do a fucking thing. Actually pout. That'll work.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. He'll be rude.

[Adam Carolla]

He's wasting my time.

[Allison Rosen]

Like Jordan Catalano from his so called life.

[Adam Carolla]

Just a wasting his time. What's he sitting on? The dock of a bay?

[Allison Rosen]

He's whittling.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Fucking trying to wrestle the kid and give him some kisses and he's wasting his time time playing with a SARS covered spider man that came from a container ship in China. Fucking wasting his time.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you. I wish someone would have wasted their time with me. Hell yeah. What do you guys think the average cost of an opening day ticket was for baseball season across all stadiums? Yeah, average just for in any seat. You got the bleachers, you got everything else.

[Producer/Assistant]

Those pine home plate seats, those are upwards of $100.

[Adam Carolla]

Those are expensive. But then you got the bleachers out there.

[Producer/Assistant]

Average price. 45.

[Adam Carolla]

Nay, $70. 70.

[Allison Rosen]

You didn't even let me guess. Granted, I'm a moron. I don't know anything about sports, but I had one chambered.

[Adam Carolla]

What was it?

[Allison Rosen]

74.

[Adam Carolla]

See, I cut you off or you fucked up my point. Scorebig.com scorebig.com save yourself some [e-mail] these guys are great. What you do is you pick a game or a performance, be a concert, could be a show, it doesn't matter. You pick the event and you put in the price you're willing to pay. Tell them where you want to sit. I mean, if you think about it, what percentage? There's 255 Major League Baseball games going on. There's ballparks all over the country. What percentage of those 45,000 seat venues are sold out every day. It's very low. There's a couple of marquee teams, but even the teams you think like Boston and la, and some teams like New York, some places, they're not sold out on your average Tuesday game, fewer than you would think.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's so difficult to be able to figure out how to get tickets that are affordable to the things you want to go to, which is why this is awesome.

[Adam Carolla]

You put your price in, you tell them where you want to sit, and they'll tell you instantly if your offer is accepted and your offer is what you pay, and then there's not a bunch of surcharges and fees and ups and extras and taxes and everything right there. You can sign up today, use the code Adam, and you'll be entered to win a great pair of free tickets in your area.

[Allison Rosen]

And you can choose what event, right? You don't just have to put in

[Adam Carolla]

a place and stay away from the ballet. I'll announce the winner next week. Hurry, the offer is going to end this week. Go to Score. Big click. By the way, scorebig.com. click on the radio button. Enter the code Adam. And always pay less than full price. Never pay any fees. Score Big dot com. Enter Adam. Kind of cool. All right, you guys, tell me about this complaint.

[Allison Rosen]

It's just a waste of my time.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean. All right, please, please help me with this. I did the. I got those. I got those, like, you know. You know, you have to have special wipes to wipe down, like, your screens now with your television and with your computer and everything. And I got. And I'm sure everything is just a little bit alcohol or. See, everything is. Everything is. Everything is basically Vaseline when it comes to, like, a lubricant. Everything's either alcohol or Vaseline. That's how everything works. So it's probably a little alcohol or whatever. I don't know what it is, but. Special towels to wipe your TV down.

[Producer/Assistant]

Oh, no. Is this a new recipe for Mangria?

[Adam Carolla]

No, this is. I did not boil them. I thought about it. They come in that round thing that the baby wipes come in, and the cap is always popped open, and then the towels dry out, and then they're no good.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, I found it today with the cap popped open. And I said to my wife, I said, you know, we got to keep these things moist. And she said, yeah, I know. I added some water to them. And I said, yeah, I know, but if you leave the cap popped open, it defeats the purpose of putting water in them. It just dries them out, so you gotta snap that cap shut. And she said, yeah, okay. And that was about 10:30 this morning. And then I got home about 1:00 clock this afternoon, and the thing was moved to the other side of the desk, and the cap was open.

[Allison Rosen]

Trusty wipes.

[Adam Carolla]

And I said, what's up with the cap? And she said, I don't know. And I said, does the maid ever get into these things? And she's like, I don't know. And I thought, this is a wildly unsatisfying life I'm leading. It's wildly unsatisfying. First off, why is the cap always popped open? And secondly, why does it have to happen moments after I have the discussion? And then thirdly, how come no one ever knows anything?

[Allison Rosen]

I don't think it's satisfying for you if she were to say, that was me.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it's one of those things where I feel like the mom of Natalee Holloway. I just. I just want. I want closure. I want closure. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

She's thwarting You.

[Adam Carolla]

I want that body.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to bury her.

[Producer/Assistant]

I want to grieve the Vandersloots of the world. You're leaving them open all over the place.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's right. Not saying that Vandersloot's as bad as my wife leaving these things open. I hope that's not what you're implying. No, I believe Lynette shut. I don't think I just talked to her about it. I don't know. I can't figure out. There's a part of her brain that says, I'm coming and open that thing, and I'm going to get the guy to kill himself so I can collect on the insurance and run off with the pool man. I don't think she did it, but at some point, the gods heard it. And the maid who never touches this thing, she never touched. She has. She doesn't know what they are. It's not, like, written in Spanish. Like, she doesn't wipe stuff down. She has a Swiffer and she rag. But she doesn't pop these things. Why is it. And then did my son come over and, like, just pop the cap and just move it. It's this weird thing that if I make the fucking proclamation of people. Why don't we snap this thing shut? And what happened to our society? Like, this part where you're gonna. It's got a cap. It's gonna dry out. It's the same as the ketchup. It's the same as the mayonnaise. It's the same with. It's the same with.

[Allison Rosen]

Everything is a perishable.

[Adam Carolla]

Why don't we do it? Like, where's that part of the brain? And then. How come everyone does the. Oh, listen, I'm sorry. I have. Think about other things. Like, it's not really a thing. It's kind of like a shake your dick before you put it back in your pants. It doesn't really matter what's on your mind. Yeah, Lynette, I'm saying it doesn't really matter what's going on. You just do it.

[Allison Rosen]

This is why humans will go extinct one day, and then future cultures will study us, and it'll be like, they forgot to close caps.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't. And so Lynette got home, and I said, did you pop this open? Because it seemed like almost mathematically impossible. We just had the discussion. And you only use these things once every six months anyway, so like. Like an hour later, you came and popped it open and then moved it. And she said, no, didn't do it, so don't know who did it. I do know. When the gods hear me complaining and it's popping time, they will show up and pop that shit. But there's a thing that has moist towelettes in it that is going to dry out and have to be thrown away if the snap top is not snapped down on top of it. And yet our batting average as a society is fucking abysmal. Why? What is up?

[Producer/Assistant]

Part of it, a small part of it is a design flaw.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Producer/Assistant]

Things. Because.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Producer/Assistant]

You either have to leave enough out so where it'll close, and almost always that knocks it down to the thing and then you unscrew and fish it, or you have to leave it and it will dry because you have to.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a sweet spot about a quarter of an inch.

[Allison Rosen]

Or you pull one out and you get 13.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You do not. Yes. It becomes the clown wipes. And you don't. You don't want to wipe. Yeah. Because if you pull it out and do it the way you do it, then it's like a kerchief that's sticking out of a gay man's blazer.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's too much hanging out, so if you shut it, it's gonna get caught on the rim and it's not gonna work. Then there's this weird part where you try to push some of it back in, but not so far that it escapes and you'll never see it again,

[Producer/Assistant]

which happens all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to hire a Chinese woman to come get that stuff out of there. Once it pops in all the way,

[Allison Rosen]

if you try to do it, your hands will be saturated in some kind of solvent that you're sure you're not supposed.

[Adam Carolla]

And you'll never get to it. And the fucking flap on top is totally flat. It should have a dome on it. That gives you a little breathing room that says, look, I'm just gonna let a little. I'm gonna let an inch of this hang out like a kid with a spiked haircut. And I'll slap it shut and I'll have this dome space on top of it. Yes, you're right. The design says, don't shut me. And it's weird.

[Producer/Assistant]

Shut your own risk.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, it's kind of. It's kind of weird. It's not inviting to shut. And the thing is, it's weird because on one hand you wonder, do they want you to shut it? Or maybe they don't.

[Allison Rosen]

They would sell more products if they were drying out willy nilly.

[Adam Carolla]

And get divorced.

[Allison Rosen]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to buy one. She needs one. You need one at your new bachelor pad with all your fancy electronics. Now you're watching porn on the 60 inch Plasma and you need to wipe that shit down every 10 minutes.

[Producer/Assistant]

There's a guy at the Costco, like he sell, he's selling them at the end of cap, he has a display thing, sees a couple fighting. Hey, you guys, come over here, I

[Adam Carolla]

got something for you. Yeah, I think because you're right, it is tough. You don't want to snap it down because you think you're going to pinch the paper. I even. And what I did, I have the little bottle, the little spritzer bottle, and I have the wipe down thing and I was thinking, oh, I got to moisten up the wipe down thing. And I thought, well, should I put water in there? And I thought, no, that's going to defeat the purpose of it. Then I thought, maybe a little Windex. And I thought, no, that's going to defeat the purpose of it. And then I took the spritzer thing and I gave it a couple spritzes and thought, ah, now I'm a genius. Popped it down. Five minutes later it was popped up. And then an hour after that it was popped up again.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you ever clean anything?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I never get to clean anything. I just pop things down. But you're right, it's not conducive. It's not made for that. I just want to know what's up with my life. Where if I make the proclamation, it shall happen moments after that and no one ever knows what the fuck's going on.

[Producer/Assistant]

Now it's on your radar. Maybe it's happening just as much, but now it's on your radar.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe.

[Allison Rosen]

No, I think the minute he leaves rooms, you hear like it's all things popping open.

[Adam Carolla]

I gotta tell you this. Do not ever become so successful that strange people come into your house and put things in strange places and do things with your shit. You'll be fucking miserable. Everybody thinks, everybody thinks it's a great thing. Like, oh, you got the maid coming twice a week. Oh no, she'll fuck your shit up 10 ways to Sunday. She will fuck your shit up every time. There's great little, you can have fun. The great little experiments where you take one drawer in the kitchen. Kitchen island has two drawers in it. One is nothing but potato chip clips, just those clips to close the bags. Nothing but plastic, wide mouth potato chip clips. The other one is nothing. It's fun. It's like having your Own little lab rats. The other, the other drawer is nothing but wine openers, bottle openers. Weird, you know, weird devices to cut the. Cut the leaded top off the thing and. Yeah, and the stoppers and the pores and the jiggers and all this stuff that goes on top of and goes inside. There's no racial bigotry here. It's all metallic and it all has to. To do something with wine. So one is all just cheap sort of dayglo plastic that says chip keeper on it. The drawer right next to it is nothing but corks and wines and screws and everything like that. You take your wine cork puller, take your corkscrew, set it on the counter. And by the way, don't set it in the middle. Set it over the drawer. Set it on the side where the drawer where just all the wine stuff is. And then see what drawer it makes it into. It is fun.

[Allison Rosen]

Can we put money on this? Can we make it interesting?

[Adam Carolla]

I'd give you some serious odds. It's always in with the potato chip clips. Now, you wanna know what the answer is? Yes, I'm gonna say when people say why. No answer.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, that is frustrating. I want closure.

[Adam Carolla]

Now here's the answer. And here's what helps me sleep at night. That's why they're available.

[Allison Rosen]

Hmm. Because if they had a better sense of chip clips, and they would not be available.

[Adam Carolla]

Not. They would not be. They would not be hanging around your house cleaning up your kid shit. It's all culture that.

[Producer/Assistant]

I don't think there's a lot of wine sold in Guatemala.

[Adam Carolla]

That ain't Olga. Olga's on top of her shit. That's the maid.

[Allison Rosen]

In fact, I'm a little offended that you threw out her name.

[Adam Carolla]

No, Fucking Olga doesn't fuck around. She doesn't listen to the podcast now heard me call her bitch and got pissed off. But no, Olga does not fuck around. She's on top of her shit. I love me some Olga.

[Allison Rosen]

She's at school.

[Adam Carolla]

This is, this is the maid. And she's drifts off. Nice woman. Drifts off. Anyway, so yes, the wipe down strip with the pop top on it drove me insane. And the fact that I'll never know what the hell happened is the part that drives me even further up a wall. All right, let's see. I got a tweet. I got a couple of tweets. The other day we were talking about the box office and there's a tweet that was sent to me and I can find that. And you can find that. There was also a tweet that somebody sent to me that drove me insane. Well, we have it up there now. 1981, the top. What's that, 10 movies?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there more there?

[Producer/Assistant]

Top 10 grossing films for the year.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Raiders of the Lost ark. That was 81 on Golden Pond.

[Producer/Assistant]

But your point was.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, remakes.

[Producer/Assistant]

Well, remakes and sequels. Unoriginal, Right. Thinking about Hollywood and all that stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Arthur Stripes, Cannonball Run, a rangy year. Chariots of Fire. I mean, the idea that Raiders of the Lost Ark and the movie right under it is on Golden Pond. No films further apart than that. Except for Chariots of Fire and Cannonball Run. Right.

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah. What is the Four Seasons? I never heard of that film.

[Adam Carolla]

I think Alan Alda was in that. And it was a. It was a romantic comedy about, like, two couples that went out to, like, Four Seasons Hotel or something like that. Time Bandits. God damn.

[Allison Rosen]

Wow.

[Producer/Assistant]

Range a year.

[Adam Carolla]

For your eyes only. There was a Bond movie in there. There's Superman 2. I mean, there was a. That was a ton of goddamn range, I mean, comedy to, like. The Cannonball Run was sort of Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, farcical stuff. Chariots of Fire, of course, Chariots of Fire, I think probably won the Oscar that year.

[Producer/Assistant]

So out of the top 10, two sequels and one play adaptation.

[Adam Carolla]

And the thing. Yeah, Superman 2 was a sequel. And then also for your eyes only. Yeah, but I mean, that's Bond. I mean, that's just the Bond series. But all right, technically, you're right.

[Producer/Assistant]

They're standalone films.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're standalone films.

[Producer/Assistant]

Franchise for 20 films.

[Adam Carolla]

Franchise.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And that. So that's 81. And then we went ahead to 2011 and. Go ahead, read it off if you have it there, Alison.

[Allison Rosen]

All right. Harry Potter 8. Is that 8? Transformers 3, the Twilight Saga 4, the Hangover Part 2, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Fast 5, Cars 2, Thor, Planet of the Apes and Captain America.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So Thor and Captain America, the only two films that weren't really remakes, but they're adaptations and they both existed anyway long before this. And, you know, you take something like The Hangover Part 2, everyone agreed it sucked. I didn't bother seeing it. The first wave of people came back from the theater and said, yeah, it's the same as the first one. And that's a very good example of. I don't know what happens to Caddyshack because of Caddyshack 2, but I think we're all glad they didn't make an animal House too. And you know, I think the Hangover could have hung out with those kinds of movies, except for they came out with it too, which wasn't so good. And those kind of movies are sort of meant to be walked away from Transformers, whatever. But I don't know. Original comedies, hit it and quit it. Yeah. Thank you. Those kinds of comedies, remakes.

[Allison Rosen]

And there's only one original film that was in the top 15, and that's bridesmaids for that year.

[Producer/Assistant]

There's going to be a sequel to that, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

That's crazy, right? No, they have to make a sequel to anything that has any kind of success what so goddamn ever. All right. Also, there was something that was kind of disturbing that somebody emailed me, or I should say tweeted me too. He tweeted me a picture and it was of his local liquor store and it had to do with the lottery. And. And basically it's like this. It's free lottery tickets on me if I don't ask you. Meaning if the person behind the counter does not ask you if you want a lottery ticket, then they have to give you a lottery ticket.

[Allison Rosen]

If only drug dealers worked that way.

[Adam Carolla]

This state sanctioned gambling is so fucking unhealthy. It is so bad. When did this become. And like, I watched this whole documentary on 20 20. Documentary, the whole episode on 2020 about these guys. And I mean, I know it's cliche, but like, these guys are like, I was out of work, construction worker. So, you know, I just went and bought a couple lottery. Like, you're out of work, dude, and you're buying lottery tickets.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, it's kind of a desperation move.

[Adam Carolla]

And this thing where you're doing this whole office lottery thing and they have a lawyer on there and they're explaining. Well, what you should do is first off, get all the names of everybody that's in, because some weeks people are in and some weeks people are out. And then you get a fax or copy or you scan the lottery tickets. You also have to discuss in advance if someone's going to buy a lottery ticket for the group. If you're going to buy one for yourself, that's fine, but you have to carve that out and discuss in advance. And I'm thinking, if I own the fucking Nissan dealership in North Carolina, I'd be fucking livid how much fucking lottery talk you. And by the way, hello. It's really like you going, I hate my job. I'm fucking miserable at my job. I mean, when your entire.

[Allison Rosen]

That is how everyone feels, though?

[Adam Carolla]

Huddles up. I know, but ask the fucking manager, the boss man, when you walk in, it's like, what's going on, Salesman? No, we're discussing how to get the fuck out of here.

[Allison Rosen]

We're working on our escape plan.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, really, it's really like the fucking warden coming down and you yelling, stop digging. Like you're fucking digging. Put down that spoon. You're fucking trying to tunnel out of my fucking Nissan dealership. What are you guys doing?

[Allison Rosen]

I made you employee of the month.

[Adam Carolla]

And again it flies in the face of everything this country has to offer. I understand. The fucking Cuban lottery. Like, if you're in some piece of shit like Cuba or China or something, play the fucking lottery because your life will never change. You'll flatline it to the grave. You'll drive a shitty car from the 50s, you'll have nothing. You'll have state sponsored everything and two and a half fucking channels of propaganda and you got nothing. So go ahead. But the United States is where you come to pursue your dreams. That doesn't mean stand in line behind a guy wearing a house coat at a fucking liquor store. That means bust your butt, get educated. Get your kids educated. Have your kids do better than you did buying a fucking lottery ticket. And the idea that for just a few bucks. And this just goes to show you just how morally bankrupt we are as a society, this is a horrible idea that I would argue is almost a dangerous message to send to the citizens. It's not a good message, not in the place where you come here. And we have an equal playing field. And if you're willing to roll your sleeves up and, and get to work and an honest day's work for an honest day's pay and all that kind of bullshit, like any of the founding fathers and. All that this country has in terms of all of the. You can call them cliches or battle cries or whatever it is, but all the reasons historically that people came to this country were all about, look, you have religious freedom, you have freedom against tyranny, and you get to go out and blaze your own trail.

[Allison Rosen]

Great powdered wigs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And our founding fathers would never stop fucking vomiting if they heard about this. And let's not tell them in the country, my lips are sealed. The country would not go for this fucking shit if it didn't mean getting money. So obviously it's one of these things where we're gonna legalize retarded gambling. We're gonna send a horrible message to the youth and we're gonna do everything that goes. It's counterintuitive to everything in this country, but if there's a nickel in it for us, fuck it, we'll do it.

[Allison Rosen]

And the hypocrisy of gambling is illegal. But no, the lottery's legal. That's the part that really doesn't make sense.

[Adam Carolla]

And we never stop pushing it, and we never stop discussing it on the news. And this angle never really gets worked in. It's the angle of, well, be careful what you ask for. Because a lot of the people that win the lottery, of course when you're given things, it's like a trust fund baby. I mean, this one guy's on there and he's like, well, you know, he's crying his eyes out because he won the lottery. He won 20 million bucks, and he should have never had 20,000 bucks. And he gave his son 2,000. He gave his son like a $2,000 a month stipend. And he gave his girlfriend a 2,000. And they both became drug addicts. And then they both OD'd like, yes, that's what happens. That's what happens. They're not supposed to have that money. When you were 19, if somebody said, I'll just take care of you. You don't have to go to work, you don't have to go to school, hang back, I'll take care of you. Then you just start hanging back. And then you start to atrophy, and then you start the self loathing, and then you start the self medicating, and then you're strung out and then you're dead. Definitely not a Jew. That's the way it works. That's right, that's right. It's a fucking horrible, horrible state sanctioned message.

[Producer/Assistant]

Add that to your list of questions to ask God when the time comes. The John Mayer thing, and why can I not bet on sports in my state, but I can buy all the lottery tickets I want?

[Adam Carolla]

Again, it's confusing and it makes no sense. And it's like if the state said, look, only cars that are white and red can go over the speed limit. The rest of you have to go under the speed limit. And you go, well, it's confusing. Sends a weird message and doesn't seem to make any sense. And they're like, fuck it, we're making money. That's how we do it.

[Allison Rosen]

Do you ever enter raffles and things like that?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't do any of that shit.

[Allison Rosen]

Like when someone's coming around and pushing those little tickets on You.

[Adam Carolla]

If I do it, I'll do it for the charity, but I won't even take the ticket. I'll just tell them to keep it. I'm not into any of that. I don't like it. And listen, obviously I'm cursed. I can't get the flip tap top clothes on my fucking, fucking wipes.

[Allison Rosen]

Are you kidding me? It's your magnetic field.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It's all off.

[Adam Carolla]

All fucking off. So listen, people, don't buy those fucking tickets. And listen, obviously the people listening to this show are smart. They're not going to do it. But our government pushing it on poor people is fucking insane. And worse than the monetary part is the message that it sends, which is, you'll never get out of this, except for if you get lucky and you're not going to. All right? Oh, no. The question I'll ask is, how come Hollywood Henderson won the lottery? This guy, Thomas Hollywood Henderson, boxer Thomas Hollywood Henderson was a outside linebacker for the Cowboys. And he was just a coke fiend. And he could have had a Lawrence.

[Producer/Assistant]

Wait for the Dallas Cowboys.

[Adam Carolla]

I hope you're sitting down. He could have had a Lawrence Taylor type career, but it was just too many women and too much coke and all that kind of stuff, you know, God repaid him. He won the Texas lottery. I think he may have won it twice. We'll have to find out. Yeah, he basically played about six years in the NFL and sort of flamed out because too much drugs. And then won the Texas state lottery. And I swear to God, I think he won it twice.

[Allison Rosen]

He looks miserable in this photo of him with the ticket.

[Adam Carolla]

So it's like God is like, look, we want to reward coke addicts.

[Producer/Assistant]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, all right. Very good.

[Producer/Assistant]

That'll learn them.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, you have some news ready to go?

[Allison Rosen]

I sure do.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me give a little love to our good friends over at Man Crate. You don't need to win the lottery to get a mangrate.

[Allison Rosen]

No, you don't.

[Adam Carolla]

All you need is 20 bucks a

[Producer/Assistant]

mangrate shows up on your front porch. You won the lottery.

[Adam Carolla]

You've won the lottery. But they don't just show up. You would hear the skip loader dragging it up the front driveway. 100% cast iron, 100% made in America steakhouse quality grill. And no more flare ups. Oh, no. No more dry meat. This is science. This is grill science, baby. Yeah, the best kind of science. One of the best German porn stars working in the cave industry today. Grill science plus. Oh, Mangrate. That's right. Click through the mangrate [e-mail] youm can order it through our site. And it comes with a special edition Adam Carolla show branded grill brush. Oh, my kids. Oh, they're gonna fight over that in a will, man. Great. Everybody the man. Great. [e-mail] Good guys, good sponsors, great products. 20 bucks. 20 bucks. See if Hollywood Henderson won that shit twice. He won a jackpot of $28 million. Guy was like, all right, listen, put down that coke spoon. Here's a winning ticket.

[Producer/Assistant]

Or don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Or don't. Here's a winning ticket. Yeah. And I swear to God, he may have won again. All right, Allison Rosen. What do you got, baby girl? The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison Alison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

He won only once. Only 28 mil.

[Allison Rosen]

Rick Santorum has announced that he's dropping out of the Republican presidential race. His three year old daughter Bella was hospitalized last week for a rare genetic disorder. She's since been released. But Santorum said this was a turning point for him. Speaking at a press conference in Gettysburg, he said it did cause us to think about the role we have as parents in her life and the rest of the family. And this was a time for prayer and thought, just as it was when we decided to get into the race.

[Adam Carolla]

When don't you pray? I mean, for the people have that time of prayer and thought?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, when you're sinning, do you get

[Adam Carolla]

a weekend off of prayer and thought? Like, does anyone ever announce, you know, but now, now it's time for a hollowed out coconut with some rum in it. No prayer and no thought but Jimmy Buffett. Now it's time for a little Jimmy Buffett.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[Adam Carolla]

No one ever does it.

[Allison Rosen]

A man like Santorum, I think it's always prayer time.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well then, no shit. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, is he using this as an excuse? I mean, I feel bad for him and his daughter, but he was gonna drop out soon anyway, and this seemed like a good time to do it. And that family card is a great card to play. Like, no one ever said, I want to spend more time playing bumper pool with my mistress.

[Allison Rosen]

Right. It's cutting into my tweeting.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

I have not updated Facebook in a

[Adam Carolla]

while, so he wasn't. It was time to drop out anyway, was it not?

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, apparently he didn't have the campaign funds to keep up with Mitt Romney. And Mitt Romney is pretty much going to be the nominee.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's put it this way. If he was in Mitt's position and his daughter was afflicted with the same illness.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, yeah, fuck her.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? He's moving forward. Okay. That's all.

[Allison Rosen]

One might assume.

[Adam Carolla]

One might assume.

[Allison Rosen]

The teenage birth rate in the U.S. has fallen to a record low. National level, 34.3 teenage births per 1,000 women between the ages of 15 to 19 is the lowest since 1946.

[Adam Carolla]

34 to 3. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

That's a third of a baby.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I'll just round down 34 for every thousand teenage girls.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes. To contrast, in 1991 a year birth rates peaked. There were 61.8 live births for each 1000 teenage women.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna round up. Okay, 62.

[Allison Rosen]

That's good math. Had that rate continued, there would have been about 3.4. What are you gonna do with that? One million?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'll leave it.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay, additional births.

[Adam Carolla]

I got three and a half.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay. Additional births to teenagers from 1992 to 2010.

[Adam Carolla]

Good. All fucking. All in prison by now. Yep.

[Allison Rosen]

I was thinking about it. That means that those kids are about 23 now. So beware of 23 year olds.

[Adam Carolla]

I never trusted them. Good. Let's see. We can get that number down. A little less than zero. I was watching that. I don't know why, but I just stumbled onto that. You ever do that thing? Well, my back was fucked up or my side or my hip or whatever. I was fucked up. So I did that thing where I was up in bed and I was laid up in bed and I just turn on the TV and I got a dose of my wife's TV shows, you know, Was it Bravo? It was a lot of. I was not yelling Bravo. No, it was. I don't know what you mean by that. I was a lot of housewives and shit like that. And then there was the. There was the 16 and pregnant. That shit'll suck your shit right in. And then it's like you got the. You got the two sisters. And first off, you forget, like, TV is so fucking graphic. Now you have like the two sisters and the mom, hope you're sitting down, dad not around, and they're talking and the one girl's like, I had my kid. They're like this kind of weird sort of Puerto Rican something. And they're like, I had an abortion. I was smart. I didn't want to have to deal with all the diapers and all the poop and all the everything. But they're both. So it's just weird. So you have the two daughters, and one of them's like 16 and one's 17, and they're both sitting around and their mom's like, sitting in between them and they're having this just open discussion about, I had the abortion, so I get to go to junior college. While you're changing diapers. The other one's like, well, I decided to keep my baby. And the mom's like, look, I don't love either one of you. Last. And you both made the right decision. It's like, oh, God damn, my fucking teeth hurt watching this. And then I thought, what the fuck? It's really sad. And then I thought, we got to put a fucking end. And then of course, the boyfriend with the crazy name was not going to be there. And I just have fun trying to guess his nationality. Turned out I was right.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Whew.

[Allison Rosen]

That's one of the theories because they don't really know why the numbers have gone down, except that, you know, maybe education in schools, both abstinence and contraception education has taken hold. But one of the theories is that shows, like, 16 and pregnant, and all the attention that we're paying to the problem may have affected people. It's also that kids are delaying when they're having sex.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, look, it's an epidemic. It's a problem. It's the thing we talk about all the time. It's our country. It's every country. You take a look at. Any country that's a piece of shit, any country that's impoverished, Any country where there's crime and. And poverty and water that's not drinkable and sewage flowing in the streets, and there's just a whole bunch of fucking kids running around. I mean, when they do those stories and they do their stories about Darfur and ethnic cleansing or something like that, they just skate past that part where it's like, this is chanduba. She has 21 kids. Her husband was killed by one of the warlords. And so like, hold on. She has 21 kids? Like, I mean, they're literally.

[Allison Rosen]

And she's only 19.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not. Yeah, it's not three kids. It's not five kids. It's like nine kids. And they're like, she has nine kids. And now that so. And so's. And by the way, I don't know how this guy was Going to provide for fucking nine kids anyway. Like, he was just, you know, a sharecropper or whatever he was doing. He was herding around cattle or something. It's not like all of them were heading for Brown or Yale anyway. But they just always just skim past the fucking nine kids. Nine times. Somebody's gotta go, what nine kids? Knock it the fuck off.

[Allison Rosen]

Get it together, Shanduba.

[Adam Carolla]

Jesus Christ. Shanduba.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know how to talk to Shanduba anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know what Shanduba's gonna do? What Chanduba's gonna do? I mean, Chanduba's all about Chanduba, you know, Shanduba takes care of Shanduba.

[Allison Rosen]

And you know what? She's taking another Shanduba Day. Every day is Shanduba Day.

[Adam Carolla]

She just had another kid while we were talking about her.

[Allison Rosen]

See? Classic Shanduba.

[Adam Carolla]

Yep.

[Allison Rosen]

Despite the gains in teen pregnancy prevention, the US still lags behind other industrialized countries. For example, Lithuania has 17 births per 1,000 teenagers. Poland has 16. Canada, 14.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Getting beat by Poland people.

[Allison Rosen]

I know.

[Adam Carolla]

That would be my whole argument. Hey, you guys know Lithuania? You don't exactly. That's my fucking point. Ever hear of Lithuania? Barely. Nah. Right? They're beating us in this and so is fucking Poland. We make jokes about them. You know, how they. You know, what happened to the Polish terrorists who tried to blow up the bus?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

What?

[Adam Carolla]

He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe. And those people are beating us. Canada, you kind of expect. I mean, let's face it, a little bit smarter than we are. But Lithuania, Poland, let's go teens. All right, anyway, so teens, in terms of not having sex, More of these shows. No, I'm. Look, I mean, not having kids, everybody. I mean, look, teens are dumb. They don't. You know, the thing is with. We've talked about this before. Remember when you were in school and it was Easter break about now, if somebody even spoke of summer break, you'd be like, don't jinx it, man. That's a million years away. I don't even gonna think about summer break. Summer break from Easter break is eight weeks. I mean, literally from now until, you know, we would break June 12, June 14 or something like that. This is literally. You'd go back to school about now and you break in two months, right? So that's right there. But two months seems like a million years when you're 15, 16, and nine months seems like a kajillion years. And first off, teen pregnancies, they should ham. Where they just take like 20 minutes. And that would fucking stop it. Because if you thought a kid was coming out of you later that night, you'd be totally freaked out about having sex. This part where we'll get to it when we get to it, I mean, nine months, you round up to a year when you're 15.

[Allison Rosen]

That just sounds like, well, I'll be an adult then.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, fucking. We'll have started our own. Probably a veterinarian. Yeah, we start our own, like our own delivery pizza franchise by then and be living on an island on Kauai.

[Allison Rosen]

What will it be called?

[Adam Carolla]

I was trying to think Domino. What's her name.

[Allison Rosen]

Is what I call her. But her name is Shanduba.

[Adam Carolla]

Shanduba, right. Shanduba's. I'm just saying it seems so far away. Nine months seems like a million years away. And it's not, but it seems that way when you're 15 years of age. So kids are always going to fuck and a certain percentage are going to fuck. Unfortunately, there's this weird chasm between the ones who wouldn't get pregnant aren't fucking. Like the nerdy guys would be wearing condoms and would be using birth control. And then the drunken guys who the chicks are attracted to, like it's a fucking negative cycle, which is the guys that are good students and sort of, you know, the guys that are studying for their PSATs and their SATs and taking care of business and super responsible and everything would definitely wear a condom. But chicks will never be attracted to those guys. They're gonna.

[Allison Rosen]

That's like me and I never would have gotten pregnant in high school and I didn't have sex in high school.

[Adam Carolla]

They're gonna. But if. But the women who do have sex in high school are attracted normally to the loner, to the.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, the guy who you should never have anything to do with is who you're attracted to.

[Adam Carolla]

Sixteen and a half year old Matt Dillon.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, well, ideally he's 19 year old

[Adam Carolla]

Kevin Dillon or Kevin Dillon. No, no, I'm thinking Matt. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

Like huh. I'm thinking circa the Outsiders.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm thinking Outsiders.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

I like all of the Greasers.

[Producer/Assistant]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You like the Greasers. I'm a soc guy.

[Allison Rosen]

But that's Leif Garrett did it for you.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't mention any names. I just like the socious. That's the guys who you're attracted to. And those guys don't use condoms. No, that's the whole thing. So there's always going to be a percentage of teens that have sex. You might as well just put these shows on there so they can have a fucking dialogue with their stepdad about killing them if they ever get pregnant. And, you know, healthy outlets like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Something I've never understood is the. Is the way guys don't care whether they wear condoms or not. What is going. You guys are guys. What is going through their head if they're with someone where she could get pregnant and they're not in a relationship? Is it the idea that, fuck it, it's not gonna be my problem or.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple of things, Brian, I don't want to answer for you, but I'll say this. First off, I always looked at the condom as a jinx. If I go out with a condom on my cock.

[Producer/Assistant]

That's just scientifically sound. Right?

[Adam Carolla]

There it is.

[Allison Rosen]

If you're a Corolla, like, you're jinxing your ability, your performance ability, or just in general, you're jinxing your genitals.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll never get laid if I bring this condom with me.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I.

[Adam Carolla]

You see what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

You don't want to be prepared because that's like,

[Adam Carolla]

I will get shot taking off the flak jacket or starting to put it on, but not once it's on. You know what I'm saying?

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like.

[Allison Rosen]

It's like wearing sexy for a girl. It's like wearing sexy lingerie. You're not going to get some if you do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When I was talking, when Dennis Prager and I did our show, we got another one coming up in San Diego on May 5, by the way, and our current one is out on it. If you like, you can get on our show AdamCroll.com. there's a point in there where he says he would like for capital punishment. We talked about it. We played the clip. He would like for capital punishment. I think a little bracelet, a little green or red bracelet that said, if I'm killed, I would like the person who killed me killed. And I wonder, by the way, who would turn the corner on capital punishment? Like, you know, right now you're feeling like you're not for capital punishment, but if someone said, look, if somebody murdered you, would you like that person killed or not?

[Producer/Assistant]

Couple of muggers. Now here comes a green band.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So I said to Dennis, I'd gladly wear the band that said, I want the person that killed me killed. Except for I know it would get me killed just ironically, the next, you know, oh, we just put the band on the next weekend. He Was murdered by marauding gypsies. Don't even exist anymore. So I would have this feeling like if I had a condom on me with jinx. Now, on the other hand, if before I left my apartment, I just defecated on the floor in the living room, I know that would sure to bring a lady home. You know what I mean?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So did you do that?

[Adam Carolla]

Same logic.

[Allison Rosen]

That's just good science as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Good news, bad news, my lady.

[Allison Rosen]

What's that?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, bad news. No condom. Good news, actually. Watch your step. I already used it. It's right there.

[Allison Rosen]

Is there another one?

[Adam Carolla]

I actually used five little condoms on my fingers to pick up my fecal matter. So I don't have anymore. No. As a guy, there's two things. As a guy, you're feeling like. It's sort of like. You ever drive next to a cop and find out the cops, like, going, like, well over the speed limit, and you're just kind of driving kind of behind him, and you're thinking, well, if he's gonna speed, like I'm gonna speed, like, he ain't doing anything. Like, there's. There's all those sort of moments, like, he saw me gonna do anything, I'm not gonna do anything. There's a lot of things with. With guys where it's a girl's job, and that sounds bad, but it is your. It's you. Ultimately, that's your car that's being broken into, and I'm just gonna drop off my knapsack, and I don't want it ripped off.

[Allison Rosen]

But you're calling my vagina a Yugo.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Mm. I go. And then I go. So it's kind of your thing. So if you don't need a condom, then I don't need a condom, because it's kind of your thing. Like, maybe you got a sponge. Maybe you got the bur. Maybe you're on the pill. Maybe got one of those nuvo rings or whatever it is. Like, whatever it is, if you ain't bringing it up, I ain't bringing it up. The other. The other thing is. So there's the jinx part. There's the. Well, I guess. I guess you got it covered. There's that thing. There's the. I don't want to be presumptuous or sort of break the momentum. Like, there is that part where you're fooling around. You're getting into it, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Like, she won't notice it if you begin having sex with her.

[Adam Carolla]

It's getting hot and heavy. And it's like you don't want to stop because something is rolling, and if it stops, there's that moment of. There's always that moment. There's always that moment, especially when you're young, where somebody stops and goes, hold on, hold on, hold on. Like, they get sober for a second. They go, wait a minute, wait a minute, I got a boyfriend. And he goes to school and, you know, Western, whatever.

[Producer/Assistant]

And then what does she say to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's me. I got a boyfriend. Slow down. So there's the momentum, there's the jinxing, and there's. It's your vagina, Right? Okay, Brian, thoughts?

[Producer/Assistant]

Well, if I'm having sex with someone, that means we're in a committed, loving relationship, and we both had our tests and she probably is on birth control, so nothing to worry about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

You and I are the opposite ends of the spectrum that you're talking about. I was the kid in high school who would have. Except that he didn't have sex in high school. So it's a moot point.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have. I would have to. Also a lot of it. And I will say this coming from the wrong side of the tracks, and that's where most of these kids are coming from. You don't have a future. You're not. Not thinking about your future. You wouldn't ride, you know, a motorcycle in the rain with no helmet if you really were thinking about your future. You know, everybody I grew up with, 90% of the guys I grew up with, and women, for that matter, there was no future. Your future was. Was working as a waitress at Denny's. Was working at a supermarket. Was having a shitty construction job.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Was.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe you knew some guy who knew some guy was a merchant marine and he could get you on something. Something. But there was no future to mortgage, so there really wasn't. Like, again, these guys drove like there was no future. They fucked like there was no future. Everything they did was. There was no future. And you have to have that. I mean, that's where a lot of the crime comes in. I mean, a lot of it. The crime is if, you know, so next, you know, come summer, you're going off to Harvard or Yale and you have a. You know, your dad has a big furniture outlet and you're going to manage one of the stores or he has a Porsche dealership, and you're going to take that over something where there's something. These people don't have anything. I mean, people don't really realize when there's really no future. There's just nothing. Your dad's gone. Your fucking brothers live in a shitty apartment. There's nothing. You just got go to up shoot that guy. And it's like, well, what if you get caught? Well, what if I get caught?

[Allison Rosen]

Right? Because if you don't, it's not going to be that great anyway.

[Adam Carolla]

You're fucking sleeping on the floor now with five other people in the room and your dad's not around and you're not going to college.

[Allison Rosen]

And the better you are, the less control you. You feel like you have over your life, regardless of what side of the tracks you're on anyway. So I think it's easier to just want to roll the dice at a young age.

[Adam Carolla]

What you have to create for everybody is some sort of consequence. And I don't mean consequence like, oh, well, you're gonna have a baby and you're gonna have to feed that baby or you're gonna end up in prison and you're gonna hate it. In prison. The consequence is your life. You're gonna miss out on all the travel and the college and the experience and the career and the family, like, all these things. And when you're 16 or 17 and you come from, like, I just come from moderate shit. I don't come from super ghetto, you know, crazy poverty. I just come from, like, marginal depression mixed with a couple of food stamps and a kind of who cares of parents. And even. Even I was like, yeah, who gives a fuck? Like, I mean, you know, I'd get. You know, I'd hitchhike. I'd climb into some guy's car if I was hitchhiking, and guys would jump in the back of the pickup truck. I just jump in the fucking back of the pickup. I wasn't like, whoa, hold on a second.

[Allison Rosen]

Who would take care of the rabbits?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not gonna mortgage my future. Yeah, it was like nobody. And everyone I hung out with was exactly the same. I mean, there was nobody that said, I gotta put a helmet on or I gotta put a seatbelt on or I gotta look out, you know, or I can't get my girlfriend pregnant because I'm gonna be a very successful dentist one day. It was all just like, ah, fuck it. You live day to day. And it's really. It's the same thing that gets you into, like. If somebody said, I mean, easily, and I was the smart one of the group, if somebody would have said to any of us, look, here's $10,000 in a bale of weed. Throw it in the back of that trunk and just get it over into Texas for me. It would have been, oh, fuck, yes, there would have been, oh, of course. I mean, that's where all that crime comes from. There's just. No, there's nothing you're protecting. They're not protecting anything.

[Allison Rosen]

I went through. I mean, I have different circumstances than you, but I went through a phase where I was. Was having trouble not drinking too much and just getting into trouble and just doing things that I didn't feel good about. And I was talking to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, everybody. We got. Now normally we have Taiwanese and Vietnamese, Korean, north and South. Lord knows we got dark chocolate and yeah, we got some white trash. But now we got ourselves drunken J.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

You.

[Adam Carolla]

Her name is Allison Drelman and she's coming up on stage. So why don't you. Don't you rub that lucky menorah and bust down to shekel tossing her way.

[Allison Rosen]

So anyway, I was talking to a friend about this and he's like, just think about where you want to end up at the end of the night.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, guess, guess where she's going to end up in. She's going to end up in the manevit's room doing lap dances where he could feel the fish.

[Allison Rosen]

And just that helped me once he said that. I was like, yeah, I somehow had never really looked at it that way. And that helped me just to start thinking about. Just think about the immediate future, like how you're gonna feel at the end of the night.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So when you can create that in circumstances and those things, then you will eliminate the crime part of this and you'll eliminate the teenage pregnancy part of it. I mean, there'll still be a little bit of crime and a little bit of teenage pregnancy.

[Allison Rosen]

There's always temptation.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically, you'll get rid of 90% of the it. All righty then. I think we need to take ourselves a quick break. Ooh, what can Adam complain about? Look out, world. I'll be in St. Louis at the Pageant Theater on April 20 and St. Paul Fitzgerald on the 21st. And again, me and Dennis Prager, Spreckels Theater, May 5. Coming at you. Also Project ALS, star studded Project ALS. That'll be May 2, 8pm at the Montalban Theater in Hollywood. Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Kevin Nealon. Uh oh, I love Neyland, Todd Glass, Jeff Ross, Patton Oswald. We'll be doing our thing, baby, raising money for that als. All right, quick break. Right back with what can Adam complain about next? We're back, everybody. Look out, world. Got a couple Your phone calls got. What can Adam complain about? Let's take a couple phone calls. We'll just jump on here. Talk to. Just hit my bell. Tim.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hey, what's up? Basement.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, buddy? Sounds good, right? Yeah. What's your question? I was, I was actually. I was the guy that was on the phone with you when Alec Baldwin called in. No. So we had to get rid of you. Yeah, I was calling from New Zealand

[Pluto TV Announcer]

when I lived down there.

[Adam Carolla]

I moved back up to Chicago a couple months ago. Hold on. Stephen Baldwin's calling in now, so wrap this one up. Yeah, so I'm a teacher and I've got summer holidays in the near future like you were talking about. And you know, I don't know what to do for the summer. I don't know what kind of a

[Pluto TV Announcer]

summer job to get.

[Adam Carolla]

I live like three blocks away from Wrigley Field and I didn't know if you had any good ideas. Well, I just saw the town the other day, so you could rob that place if you live close. You know the thing about like, they're guys who have those jobs that have down times. I don't know what the teachers want. See, every fireman I've ever met does construction because A, they have some rudimentary understanding of how buildings are constructed because they have to go into them when they're on fire and they have to understand where they can stand on the roof and what will support them and just the basic layout of a building and how it's constructed. And B, they work like three days on and they have four days off or something. It's the greatest thing ever. And they end up starting other businesses and they're all construction guys, they're all carpenters. So they all have their home improvement business and their fireman gig. By the way, whether it's a teacher or a fireman, when I'm in charge, I'm going to be like, hey man, if you're planning on a second gig, we're paying you too much. I'm sorry, firemen, I know you guys are heroes and everything, but the fact that every single one of you has a second job and a full time job that the city pays for, the

[Allison Rosen]

fact that they're paying you too much, doesn't that mean you're paying you not enough?

[Adam Carolla]

No, because they get paid well, I mean, they get paid the same as cops, but cops don't have second. Like they work right. You know, they work every day and they don't have the, you know, it's like Firemen work.

[Allison Rosen]

We're not using you enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, firemen work like the 72 hour shift and then they're off. And you say work. They're 70, but a lot of that. Sleeping and eating chili, Sliding down a pole. Yeah, eating chili and, you know, buffing out the chrome on the wagon and all that kind of stuff.

[Producer/Assistant]

So that's your new thing? Fireman overpaid.

[Adam Carolla]

Overpaid. This is one of the planks of my platform. Good stuff. And teachers and firemen. Look, here's what you need to do. No, second, I don't want you moonlighting. I mean, let's say any employee. What other employees? Just go, I'm taking. I'm working. I'm working during the summer. I'm working on Wednesday through Sunday.

[Allison Rosen]

Come see me at o' Hanlon's behind the bar.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't like that. So I say you'd be a fireman during the summer.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, I didn't see that one coming.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So you won a summer game. Well, what do you like to do? Well, God, I like to watch sports, play sports, drink beer. All the kind of. All the stuff you don't get paid for. Yeah. What do you teach? What's your topic? I mean, what's your subject? I teach math. Anything to do with that? How about you volunteer? And how about you work this very, very underspoken of and under catered to population outer city kids, you know what I mean? Rural kids. Everybody's heading, I don't know, everyone's heading into the inner city to help the kids out and tutor them. What about the outer space?

[Allison Rosen]

What about the rim? The rim of the city? Who was paying attention to them?

[Adam Carolla]

So focused on the hub and the smokes.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the rim?

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of these kids are on

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

the tire, going around and around.

[Allison Rosen]

No math skills.

[Adam Carolla]

I would say go to the outer city and work on. Work on your work on the math. I don't know. What are you good at? Can you build? I'm one of those guys you hate. Yeah. So I mean, you got to have to. You got to toss the skill out. I mean, there's always, you know, hot dog on a stick or, you know, what about tutoring? Starbucks.

[Producer/Assistant]

You live near Wrigley.

[Adam Carolla]

Tutoring is a good possibility. The tough part about that is these days they don't trust you to come into their home. So you've got to try and find a public place to meet. Right. And sometimes, you know, like real picky. No, but it's like. And by the way, even if it's in the park, those bathroom stalls don't have doors. So it's like they made for raping. It's a bitch.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah. Mobile van tutoring company.

[Adam Carolla]

I got an idea. This is good. This is good Bartender. Because you're near the ballpark, Bartender is a great pussy gig. You get tons of tips. You don't have to have any real formal training. You like drinking anyway, right? This is one of your loves and ain't no big deal. Do you know someone owns a tavern or bar or restaurant that I'm telling you? Importing Vegemite. Listen to me. When. When in doubt bar 10.

[Producer/Assistant]

Especially in Wrigleyville. It's a seasonal thing. It's happened in the summertime.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll say to my kid, look, if you're gonna be a loser, be a loser. But be behind a lot of cash. Be behind the bar, not in front of it. And go down to a fucking beach city and have fun being a loser, riding a fucking cruiser and banging a boozer.

[Allison Rosen]

Just like cocktail.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Some great rhyming.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

Just a waste of my time saying,

[Adam Carolla]

if you're gonna waste my time, I know. You're gonna be a dinosaur scientist. I know, I know, but let's just

[Producer/Assistant]

say railroad dinosaur scientists.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't work. Go down to the fucking beach and go just hang out with all the fucking beautiful people. Get them liquored up, get a bunch of tips, have some band playing in the corner and just go home with different pair of panties over your head every night.

[Allison Rosen]

That's your dream for your son?

[Adam Carolla]

That's my dream.

[Allison Rosen]

Beautiful.

[Adam Carolla]

That's my dream for the boy. All right, blues music. Let's see. Somebody wants to know what I think about the blues. Hey, Jeff. Yeah. How's it going, Ace, man? What's going on, Jeff? Not much, man.

[Producer/Assistant]

How are you?

[Adam Carolla]

Good. You want to know what I think about blues music? Yeah, I always enjoy your music rants. And I'm a DJ and I play a lot of old, you know, 50s and 60s music when I DJ. So I want to know what you

[Pluto TV Announcer]

think of the blues.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, why don't we just call it the Blacks? Because, you know, let's cut out the middleman here. No white guy's playing the blues. The white guy's really singing about the blues. Blue, you're my boy. I like the blacks music. It's all. There's got to be a black guy to do it, right? Blues is one of the types of music that Is great when it's live, but I wouldn't sit around my house and listen to it. I don't think I'd pump it up in my car when I was driving. But if I was going to a restaurant or a bar or something and they had a blues band playing, Never any problem with that.

[Producer/Assistant]

Only exception I'll say to that is if you're having a party or a poker night or something like that. No better music consistency wise to put on in the background because everyone's gonna enjoy it. It's all the same, you know.

[Adam Carolla]

But don't you feel like a party. Don't you feel it's kind of a downer for a party?

[Producer/Assistant]

Personally, when I have, like, poker nights, it's the best. I love.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, poker night is a little different than a party.

[Producer/Assistant]

That is true. Yeah. Yeah. Like a cocktail party. Maybe the blues isn't the best.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

But for like drinking nights.

[Allison Rosen]

But like a kid's birthday party.

[Producer/Assistant]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Lost my leg to diabetes. I got Sarah blow out the candles. I got the blacks. Yeah, yeah. Nobody wants to hear that. But I like the idea of calling the blues the blacks.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I also don't like it when somehow American white musicians not so into the blues, but English white musicians, super into the blues.

[Allison Rosen]

Clapton.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. All those guys. I mean, all those John Lennons and all the Beatles and all of them. They're all yardbirds and all kinds of stuff. Like they're all. All into the blues. Like, I think I feel like it's weird, but I feel like we needed in the mid-60s to just send a white guy over to England and go, they're not that special. Don't get so obsessed with them because they love. They loved it. I think it was the culture. The culture. You know what I mean? Like. Like what I mean is like, you know how we think English is cool?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

I think that blues and I don't think they think Americans are cool, but huge black men who name their guitar and sit on barrels and play it. That's cool. Like that. That to them was a cool culture. When we were just like, ah, my great grandfather owned that guy's great grandfather. It's like it was no big. No big deal.

[Allison Rosen]

It was no big whoop to us.

[Adam Carolla]

No big whoop to us. But for them, I think it was really cool. And it was good because they took it up and ran with it. All right, so we'll call it the Blacks and it can be done like the 12 bars.

[Allison Rosen]

Blacks.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I got a Blacks bar. Yeah, I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

Blacks Brothers.

[Adam Carolla]

It'll be good.

[Producer/Assistant]

Jake and Elwood Black.

[Adam Carolla]

And it can be played at poker night or at. Or at a cool pub or a cool restaurant. Slash bar. Yeah, there you go, Jeff. All right, thanks, man. Appreciate it. It's a good gig though. Like, it's good to tell chicks. Yeah, I play the blues because no one will go, what a dick. Everyone goes, wow, that's fucking good, man.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I like that.

[Allison Rosen]

You must have seen some things and they just.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to be good. There's no shitty blues guitarist. Like, that guy really sucks on the blues guitar. I mean, the blacks.

[Allison Rosen]

I can't even tell what he's playing.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry, Junior caller who goes by the name of Junior. You hear me, Adam? Yep. What's going on? Oh, yeah, I wanted to ask you about Alistair Oberyn. He failed a drug test for his name. He was going to fight a Junior. Junior DeSanto. Yeah, Alistair and Junior were going to fight. Not very non scary names. Like if someone told you Alistair and Junior are scrapping out in the schoolyard, you're like, well, I'll just go fucking break it up with a bottle of Windex. And then you see these two scary fucking guys out there. Alistair Overeem is one of these guys that looks like he was carved out of granite. Like he just a crazy, crazy physique. And we'll see the guy. Well, no, we know why I don't think you.

[Allison Rosen]

They're both scary looking.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, but look at the guy on the right. And by the way, that guy is, I don't know, 6, 4 and 265. You know, it's sort of easy to look like that. I don't mean easy, but you can when you're 5, 8 and 165. It's a lot easier to look like that than it is when you're over £250. You don't find dudes that are over £250 that are fucking chiseled like that. So the fact that he's on the roids does not surprise me. I do wonder, as long as we're working, he's 6'5, 263, which is fucking insane. Cause he really is built like a gymnast and a guy. Like I said, they look human when guys are.

[Allison Rosen]

His veins look like jump ropes.

[Adam Carolla]

Tell me if. Tell me how racist this is.

[Allison Rosen]

Zero to ten, okay, Very.

[Producer/Assistant]

I'm just gonna start saying, yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

black dudes seem to wear their physique a little better. Well, it don't crack and we're a little bit used to it. So Alistair Overeem. The whole time everyone's like, that guy's just a brick shithouse. Like, that guy's fucking built. Oh, look at the physique on that guy. He's an Adonis. But no one ever said anything about steroids, Right. I think it's sort of racist because white guys built like that. Where white guys.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Right.

[Allison Rosen]

Like, we just assumed that they. That what's that guy doing?

[Adam Carolla]

He's pumping, he's doing something. You know what I mean? Like, even, even back in the day, I think with McGuire and Sosa and all that. And, and, and then later on, I think it was McGuire, most of focus was on McGuire because it was like, was a fucking redheaded guy. Get a build like that, It's. It's racist.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's a thing where you look at the dude on the right and he has a crazy fucking build, but he's a brother. And you go, brothers are supposed to be built like that. Yeah, there's. And there's other elements to it. I can't tell you all.

[Allison Rosen]

No, but it's not like Taylor Lautner of Twilight where you're like, there's no way that's natural.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I know you're gonna miss.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know I was gonna work my way to Taylor next.

[Allison Rosen]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

So what did they do that they. Did they postpone the fight or something? They haven't done anything yet. It just happened. And now they're just waiting to figure out what the Nevada Commission is going to do. Yeah, probably suspended. He's probably suspended. I mean, I'm really giving you a good fight.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, no, it's a.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a. It's a whole night of heavyweights. I'm doing the pro Celebrity Grand Prix with one of the. Celebrity with one of the heavyweights. Oh, Cain Velasquez. Cain Velasquez is another dude who's going to be fighting that night. And. And then there's Big country and Bigfoot. Big Country's going against Bigfoot, I think. Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

Brian Reeve is Big Country,

[Adam Carolla]

Big country and Bigfoot. And Kane is fighting. I can't remember everyone's name. All right, good enough for me. Right now. We're gonna do some what can't Adam complain about. First off, our wonderful new sponsors, Musicians, friends. Yeah, get Lucille, get that guitar and play the Blacks. Musicians friend. Musicians friend dot com. Tons of new and used guitars, drums, keyboards, mics, mixing boards and more. They got everything there. All the hard to find brands, all the products you need. If you're starting that band, man, you want to get laid, start a band. It's got to tell my kids. Forget about that dinosaur scientist bullshit. Start a band, move out to Hermosa beach and start bartending. Wow, that's right. You'll never stop getting laid.

[Producer/Assistant]

I might get that drink as soon as I finish the song.

[Adam Carolla]

They even have stupid deal day. That's one product marked down dramatically for the day.

[Allison Rosen]

That doesn't even sound stupid to me. It sounds smart.

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid of them, yes. Not for you. Stupid deal of the day, everybody. Also, they have a 45 day low price guarantee. Free shipping on orders. You do that full. You do that full. Like John Bonham drum kit with the gong and everything. Free shipping. Free shipping. Cowbells hanging everywhere.

[Producer/Assistant]

You have to pick up a hammer and hit the gong every once in a while.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Free shipping on orders. Over 25 bucks. You can click through the musician's friend banner on our site and use the code podcast or call 866-926-1929 guys on on call. By the way, at the center are all musicians, not just your order takers. They know the business. They know what you're talking about. Best prices on everything in music. Musicians friend dot com. All right, shall we do some. What can Adam complain about? Yes, Stuff. The world is full of it and one man can complain about it all. This is what can't Adam complain about? All right, let's start at the top. We'll work our way down. Getting booze is a gift. That's from. And how do you say that? I can't fucking read.

[Producer/Assistant]

Not real names.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

And it's far away.

[Adam Carolla]

Is he from Star Wars? Is that. How come you guys know that? No, it's just.

[Allison Rosen]

We can read.

[Adam Carolla]

I assume that it's is Attican from Star Wars.

[Producer/Assistant]

Come on, buddy.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

That's Anakin.

[Allison Rosen]

But if you had a cold, it would sound the same.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the fact that Obi Wan Kenobi is not Obi Wan Kenobi? That seemed wildly confusing to every human being on the planet.

[Producer/Assistant]

Like actually Obi Wan.

[Adam Carolla]

What about the Obi Wan? Right?

[Producer/Assistant]

That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

That's what he said.

[Adam Carolla]

1.

[Producer/Assistant]

That's right. Wan.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, okay, well, I just said Juan.

[Producer/Assistant]

Oh, sorry, buddy, misunderstood.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, either way. But the point is it's not one. No, everyone says Obi Wan Kenobi. Oh, fuck you. Listen, I'll tell you this right now. Everybody says Star Trek. I do. Yes, they fucking do. Paul Senior does.

[Allison Rosen]

That's everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

That's everyone.

[Allison Rosen]

That's every one.

[Adam Carolla]

He's five of every man. And you should only fucking wish you're not fit to carry half his fucking bro stache, okay? I am telling you, people say Star Trek all the time.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

They said at least the beginning. Obi Wan Kenobi. They wouldn't go Obi Wan Kenobi.

[Allison Rosen]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

It was one because everyone is R2D2 and then OB1. So you just do this R2D2. It's like, 2 2, and then you go one instead of fucking one. How goddamn confusing that is. All right? Anyway, none of this exists. I'm saying people say Star Trek instead of Star Trek.

[Allison Rosen]

Is this what you're complaining about?

[Adam Carolla]

I will get onto it. But I'm telling you, I hung around with George Takei, not George Take Kai, Georgia K. And I heard people even around him all the time going, look, just because you did Star Trek and people like Star Trek. Yes. They say track and not track. I'm telling you, no. What the. Oh, Getting booze is a gift. I like getting booze as a gift because it's a good. It's a good gift to re booze, but. And re gift, but I think we should limit it. I don't like the weird, exotic. Let's just keep it to V. Vodka. And I'd stay away from the dark liquors. I don't feel like I have as much use for the dark liquors. It's a re Gift dark liquor thing. And I don't understand the difference between the single malt and the aged malt. And I don't understand the mixed malt. And I don't understand the how much it's aged 16 years. I know it's supposed to be, you know, 22 years this shit's been sitting in a bottle. Oh, my God. This is before the locker bee incident. This shit was put together. I don't give a fuck. It doesn't mean anything. I want the freshest whiskey money can buy. That's the way it works. And I'm always confused by rye. It's only. It's only sung in songs. And I have a feeling Canadians know about what rye is, but I don't know what rye is. And I'm angry. I don't like my Canadian friends going, well, it's kind of like whiskey, but kind of not. I don't like that. I want to know exactly what the fuck rye is. So here's the deal. Booze, you can give booze as a gift. I would say only give vodka as a booze because vodka can be used in many different ways. See if I can get you whiskey. If you're not a whiskey drinker, you ain't gonna do it. Vodka, Somebody's gonna drink it. I'll give it to my fucking kids. I feel like I can mix vodka in with anything and enjoy. So booze is a gift. Not bad. I know it's been re. Gifted. I don't. All right. Ah, Dennis Prager. Someone wants to know about me and Dennis Prager. And how can I complain about Dennis Prager? Well, Dennis Prager is. Well, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I complain about Dennis Prager. Dennis Prager and I did a show in Redondo Beach. It was great. We sold it out. We did a second show. Everyone loves Dennis Prager. Super smart guy, super intelligent guy, and a very observant Jew. Super observant, Jewish. And so I talk to Mike August. Mike August is the opposite of a Jew. Whatever Jew is, he isn't. His dad coached football in Louisiana. He grew up.

[Producer/Assistant]

He's closed.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. And he is so non. When we were on the road, he ordered a pork smoothie. Actually. Pork smoothie. I don't know if you know, Dairy Queen has that limited time. Anyway, he is the opposite of the Jew. And although they do share one G, they like money. So when he found out about what a great success it was to put me and Dennis Prager on stage together was like, awesome. Dennis Prager. Adam Carolla up on stage, selling out 2,000, 3,000 seat venues all over the country. Except for. There's just one little problem. Dennis cannot travel on a Friday, and he can't fucking do a show on a Saturday unless it's dark outside. So you have to factor in the fucking equinox or something like that and figure out, like, what time zone we're in and whether it's dark and all that shit. His. His Jewiness out. Out jewed Mike August. Mike August was like, I'm gonna make a million dollars off this Jew. And then he realized he can't travel on a Friday. He can get to a gig. He can leave on a Thursday, get to a gig. Wait, can't do the gig on a Friday. Then we can do the gig on a Saturday, but only if it's in. You know, Only if we. Only if we spring back or fall forward or whatever the fuck it is. It's got to be dark by the time he leaves his hotel. There's so many fucking rules for Orthodox Jews. So imagine Mike August, he's trying to book these dates. He's trying to figure out if the time has changed, trying to figure out if there's. The street lights are going to be on. Can't travel on a Friday. It's such a pain in the ass. Mike, what was. What were we being told by. We've been told by. What was the. The gig? I want the hedum, not the shabas. The shabas Goi. Oh, what a gig that is. Our friend Kirschenbaum was telling us about the goy and his job because what you're talking about you as a Jew on a. On a. On a Friday night. It's not supposed to work any blenders or light switches or anything like that, but you have me around your house. I will flick on the blender and the light switches. I'll make you a. I will make you a daiquiri, and we'll be watching Cannonball Run on a big screen. But you. You don't have to turn anything on. That's the Jews. Interesting. It's very interesting people. And by the way, who knew that that same set of skills would work well in the courtroom? You know what I mean? It is. It is. It is a lawyering gene. I think of like. What do you got? All right, let's see if I can work my way around that. It's a perfect fucking gene. Well, set up this obstacle, this sort of cosmic obstacle course, this religious obstacle, and then we'll figure out ways to get around it all the time. Anyway, love me. Love me, Dennis Miller. Love going Dennis Miller. Love me, Dennis Prager. I like Dennis Miller, too. I love going on stage with Dennis Prager. But we can't fucking figure out the schedule because the goddamn Jews got a Kindle Sabbath candle. All right, let's see. Make a Wish Foundation. I think. I think that the aforementioned Paul Tuttle Sr. Is working for the Make a Wish Foundation. And what if one of them said, I wish you'd stop yelling at your children? That'd be the ultimate. Make a wish for Paul Tuttle Senior.

[Producer/Assistant]

To him or to you?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I've curtailed severely, and by the way, they deserve it. My son's copping a little attitude. He's turned the corner on Papa daughter. She's kissing papa ass, but not.

[Producer/Assistant]

She's coming around.

[Adam Carolla]

She's coming around. But now it's just like they. It's like they tagged out. Yeah, it's like some sort of tag team thing where they, like, tap and the other one just went in and goes, you fucking worked the old man over for like five years. I'm gonna sit on the sideline, take a little rest. So his foundation is the Make a Wish Foundation. Somewhere in my new book, not Taco Bell material, available on Amazon. Pre orders we speak. Click through our website if you will. Keep the pirate ship afloat. I mentioned that my parents were the exact opposite of the Make a Wish foundation, which is they took able bodied kids and did nothing for them. Somebody ought to, somebody have start that foundation. His fucking foundation. When we did his sandwich making thing, made like $360,000 thousand dollars. I tried to raise 20 grand for my foundation on the show, which was Catholic big brothers, they got squat, they got nothing. Zilch, zero. All right, let's, let's do one more of these things. Let's see, let's talk to. Oh, we can't talk to. But let's see Deacon Jones head slap video. That is some of the. The greatest fucking video ever. I mean, I don't know, it's right up there with Paris Hilton on the motorcycle scooter on the red carpet where her and Rod Stewart's daughter eat shit. Or maybe it's just Rod Stewart's daughter eating shit. Where Deacon Jones. And we played it a million times, but we might as well play it again. He's doing an interview on his technique, his swim move to get around strong side offensive tackles. And here, here it is, everybody.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Atkins threat of breaking arms was the reality of the Deacon Jones head slap.

[Adam Carolla]

The head slap was to do two purposes.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

One was to give myself an initial

[Adam Carolla]

head start on the fast bus. In other words, a extra step. Because anytime you go upside a man's head or a woman, then they have a tendency to blink the eyes or close the eyes. And that was all I needed. Deacon Jo, the greatest thing ever, because they're only talking to him about football. And if there was one woman who ever played in the league, then you could sort of go, well, she didn't play in his era and she played on the defensive side of the ball too. But still, maybe she was talking about Shelly McCready. But no, there was never a chick that ever played in the league. So you had to be talking about something domestic. My complaint about the greatest clip, and not the greatest NFL clip, just the greatest clip ever, is that I was the one who had to discover it. I never heard anyone talk about it. It was never discussed. I would talk sports all the time. There's nothing better than this. And I was just sitting around drinking wine. Thank God I was keep. I was holding a vigil thank God I had one eye open. Thank God I hadn't gotten too deep into my red wine that night in Aught 5, when I was sitting around watching a little ESPN whatever, and they were showing, you know, greatest legends of the defensive line. And they showed this clip, and I brought it into the radio the next day because no one has ever said a fucking thing. And the person interviewing him never said a thing. And when they would go back to the studio and go, well, that's the minister of defense, Deacon Jones, talking about his head slapping technique. Like, no one ever said a woman. And no one edited it out either. I mean, show it again. There was a very nice edit point there where he went, anytime you go upside a man's head, pause. Easily cut to some game footage at that point. Or woman could have easily done it. There would have been. I'll snap. Let me see it again. Can we see it again? The head slap was to do two purposes.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

One was to give myself an initial

[Adam Carolla]

head start on the fast rush. In other words, a extra step. I'm in the edit fact because anytime you go upstairs inside a man's head or woman, then they have a tendency to blink the eyes. We pick it up there, and we pick it up there. That's what I do. Cut upside a man's head, pop game footage, pop. They. They have tendency to blink their eye. Why are we including the Or a woman? All right, that's it. That was. What can't Adam complain about?

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Ah.

[Adam Carolla]

What do you got, Allison? You want to mop up with a little. Little news now the rest of the news with Allison Rosen. Go to my PC. Everybody check that iPhone. That's right. I'll jump in, go to my PC. They got the app for the iPhone. You know how it works. And get to your computer right there. Paul, Brian, that computer. You're get to it with your iPhone.

[Producer/Assistant]

Get the hell out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. That's what I'm saying. You're out of town.

[Producer/Assistant]

That's what I was saying. I can get the hell out of town.

[Adam Carolla]

Get the computer. You want to hear some drops right there.

[Producer/Assistant]

No one wants to hear that right

[Adam Carolla]

there in front of you. Oh, yeah, go to my PC. The app for the iPhone. You can edit PowerPoints, update spreadsheets, work on anything you want. I love to update a spreadsheet from a Starbucks. That's what I do. It's true freedom right on your iPhone. I know most people will never taste true.

[Allison Rosen]

They would choke on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. When I'm using that app from go to my PC on iPhone. It's the only time I really know actually when I'm dancing or using an app. It's the only time I feel alive.

[Allison Rosen]

Have you ever used the app from

[Adam Carolla]

the back of a horse naked? Mm. That's the only time I feel alive. You could do that on a Beach.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

Special 45 day free trial. That's right. Just use the promo code Adam. Visit, go to my PC. Click on the Try it free button. Remember, use the promo code Adam. All right. Little more news with Alison Rosen.

[Allison Rosen]

A 13 year old is being hailed as a hero for grabbing the wheel of a school bus and leading 15 students to safety. When the driver had a heart attack on the way to class, seventh grader Jeremy Witschick hopped out of his seat and grabbed the steering wheel, pulling the bus over to the side of the road before pulling the keys from the ignition. Police officers were notified of a school bus driving erratically through town around 8am today. But by the time an officer arrived at the scene, Witschick had it under control and the students had already called 911.

[Adam Carolla]

You know how they do those bullshit Onion stories.

[Allison Rosen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be perfect for the right. Here's what you do. You just. Mike? Where's Mike? We need to release some sort of story that says 13 year old cited for driving a school bus without permit and proper license. And then you do that thing where it's like the sheriff of whatever county spoke up and said even though he saved lives, still it's illegal for a 13 year old to operate a school bus and thus he was sided with a $228 fine.

[Allison Rosen]

I was waiting for the part of

[Adam Carolla]

the story that actually said that There always is.

[Allison Rosen]

They're just glossing over the fact that a 13 year old drove a fucking school bus.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, maybe he was Jewish and maybe he'd had his bar mitzvah and thus was a man.

[Allison Rosen]

Maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying this would be one of those things that would send like Glenn Beck over the edge and O'Reilly and all that kind of stuff. This would be one of those things where if the man got involved and gave the kid a ticket, which we're just stupid enough to do, wouldn't it

[Allison Rosen]

send Adam Kroll over the edge?

[Adam Carolla]

It'll send me over the edge too. But there's a bunch of all the guys who do all this sort of pontificating on the right for some reason it would send. That's all they never stop talking about. They see what Our society's turned into blah, blah, blah. They throw this story on the onion. Everyone to go pick it up. They'd run with it. It'd be all over the place. It'd be all over the news. And there'd be a thing where. And that boy, his parents got a ticket for $228. It'd be perfect.

[Allison Rosen]

I mean, really, how did he know how to drive? But here's the thing that I didn't realize. All the students are in the Fife school district in Washington state were trained in emergency situations on the school bus, including how to shut down the bus in an emergency.

[Adam Carolla]

Really?

[Allison Rosen]

I never learned any of that. In fact, that was a phobia I used to have sitting on the bus was, what if it just starts rolling? I was a very anxious child. Anyway, here's some video rolling without the driver in it. That's the kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Uh huh.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

I was reading a book about these

[Adam Carolla]

superheroes and this guy was in a bus and he was talking to his walkie talkie and the guy was telling him to turn the ignition off. So I just went up, grabbed the wheel, turned it right with the help

[Allison Rosen]

of another boy, which exters the bus off the road. As other towns, somehow they have footage of all of this.

[Adam Carolla]

Just acting on instinct is like all happening really quickly.

[Allison Rosen]

There he is, the hero.

[Adam Carolla]

Everything's.

[Allison Rosen]

Look, he'd been reading a book with, with superheroes in it. Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. Well, good luck. I, I listen, everyone's. Well, first off, every book's got superheroes in it for kids. It's not like, hey, this is a book about a guy who just gathers dust on the sofa and blames his parents. They don't read those books. So that's number one. Number two, they have to put a camera in everything now.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So everybody, like we were talking about before, get hip to the fact that if you're going to steer a bus or rob a liquor store, you're going to show up on the evening news. It's everywhere. And there will be no evening news. You're going to show up on the computer everywhere. So I got to talk about it. I'd be like, how fast are you going? I'm not giving the kid the keys to the city until I find out a few things. Was it automatic? Did you work the clutch?

[Allison Rosen]

Did you put your seatbelt on first? And the driver is in grave condition.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, look, first off, the people that drive school buses have to be in some of the worst shape ever, right?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, total bus driver ass. It's like Secretary ass.

[Adam Carolla]

But they didn't get there because, like, nobody said, hey, what do you want to do, you know, out of college? I'm going to be a professional certified school bus driver. There's. There's no. And it's not like. It's not like these guys like, like airplane pilots, like, ah, the guy was a jock flying for the, for the Navy. This guy was a tail hooker, man. He was going off, he's doing night landings on a carrier before he came here. It's the best of the best. I feel like school bus drivers. You get the worst of the worst.

[Producer/Assistant]

No one ever talks about the rigorous school bus driver test.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's like, well, no one calls them captains. He used to manage apartments and then he got strung out on peppermint schnapps and then he went away for a while. Anyway, he needs a kick.

[Allison Rosen]

It does seem like they'll let just about anyone drive a school bus, which really is a bad idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Really. The older, like, the longer the reaction time. And mixed with an inability to break up fights between heavyset chicks, that's what they look for.

[Allison Rosen]

I wonder if they test them by having heavyset chicks fight and then if they do nothing, they get the job.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the first piece.

[Allison Rosen]

I think you have to hate children as well.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. This is the first piece of school bus footage I've ever seen that's been positive. Like, if somebody ever says, I want to show you footage from a school bus, like, all right, we get it. This one chick is going to be pulling out the other chicks out hanging extensions. But no, this is the one.

[Allison Rosen]

These kids, actually, this should give you hope for the future because they handled the situation and they called 911 and they didn't do anything asinine, as far as I can tell. Whitney Houston's next story. Whitney Houston's funeral will end up costing Newark $187,000, which is what the city will have to pay its police force in overtime, which is covered by taxes. An article in the LA Times compares this to Michael Jackson funeral, which cost 150,000, but was covered by his estate.

[Adam Carolla]

Can I say this? First off, do we need to pay these guys? Ot, like, how much copping do you really have to do? Okay, you're not gonna get hit by gang banger or clipped by a drunk driver. You'll be hanging out, you'll get to check out the casket, look in the window and stuff like that. Couple of pictures with Bobby Brown.

[Allison Rosen]

You get to look morose the entire day.

[Adam Carolla]

The coffee they got that Down. They were born looking morose. They have to fucking put that morose look on their face when they walk up to your car every time. How you doing? They have to be. They have to do that. So they're good.

[Allison Rosen]

They ever smile, they're like, oh, my face hurts. I haven't used those muscles in a long time.

[Adam Carolla]

They have to do that. Here's what I would say if I was the, you know, if I was the, you know, I don't know, whoever the guy on Hill Street Blues would get everyone to get in that meeting room, tell them to be careful out there. Just. Gentlemen. I wouldn't tell anyone to be careful out there. I'd be like, remember, taxpayer's paying your ass, so go for broke. And there's no time for backup. I would say, look, this is a non paying gig, but if any of you want to work on a Sunday for Whitney Houston's who's it start like this. Who loved the Bodyguard?

[Allison Rosen]

I did.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

And who saw that 1991 Super bowl there with the Buffalo Bills and New York?

[Allison Rosen]

Right here, boss.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Remember the black chick who was singing that song at the beginning?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

And the one that's being protected by Kevin Costner?

[Allison Rosen]

Yes, I do.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, guess whose funeral you get to hang out at?

[Allison Rosen]

Gladys Knight.

[Adam Carolla]

Close enough.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Oh.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, is we'll start the bid at 50 bucks. I would charge. I would just go, look, you're not getting paid time and a half to stand around and, you know, pretend to grieve.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

You just.

[Adam Carolla]

You go down there Sunday, you want to spend a Sunday down there? Check it out, Go check it out. And then you can tell your kids that you were working. Whitney, you think those cops don't all just come home and go. I guess right away I was gonna

[Allison Rosen]

say, have you ever had the strange experience where some large unpleasant man is bragging to you about all the stars that he's been bodyguard for? Because this has happened to me more than once. I was stuck next to Nicole Richie's bodyguard.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Allison Rosen]

Nicole Richie or someone who had like been guarded her at some event or something.

[Adam Carolla]

I get the guy who drives the celebrities around, you know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And they just pick up like bizarre, you know, they'll do that thing where they go, rocky Blier's a really cool guy. He'll be like, really? Because all these times I thought he was a cock.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Me and my wife were just talking about this. So it's like, yeah. And they just throw out random fucking names of guys they're Tossing and they. If you ever ask me, ever get any deeper, like, they're like, yeah, I picked them up at the airport and dropped them off. The Marriott. If you ever ask them what they were doing there, that's where it ends. Like he was doing some kind of speaking to somebody about something, but they never. They never know. And then every third celebrity whose name they dropped, I'll tell you, they don't talk a lot. They don't. They don't talk about their celebrity guys very much. But then you start realizing, oh, wait a minute, now you're on the fucking clock. Like, at some point, Rocky Blair is gonna be back in that fucking limo. He's gonna go, you know, he's a douchebag. Adam Carolla. You know what I mean?

[Allison Rosen]

That sounds about right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But when they have. When they usually, they're like, such a nice guy, such a nice lady, but if they don't like someone, then they're like, I'm trying to figure out how they do it. They usually. They won't be forthcoming with that. They'll be like, you know, so and so.

[Adam Carolla]

She's a little difficult.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

They.

[Adam Carolla]

The guy we had in D.C. and Michael, remember this, was telling us that he told someone to get the fuck out of the car.

[Producer/Assistant]

So.

[Adam Carolla]

And so's wife was cool, but he wasn't cool. Who. Remember that? Oh, you didn't drive down there with.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

With August, but that guy was a talker. He told. He had a great Bill Maher story that I don't believe for a second.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. What was his Bill Maher story?

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He claimed the driver claimed that he farted in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Bill farted?

[Producer/Assistant]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The driver farted or Bill farted. It was the driver, you know, Bill farted in the car.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

The driver threatened to throw him out.

[Adam Carolla]

Or he was like, give me the name of your boss.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

And the guy was like, I am my own boss.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Bill.

[Allison Rosen]

And a list of what you ate today.

[Adam Carolla]

And then Bill kind of went, I

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

like your style, or something like that.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, it was a very. Not Bill. Yeah. And you know him, and he. He used to work for Bill Maher. And also he used to guard Bill Maher.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, how are his farts?

[Adam Carolla]

Bill's like, I need a guy who's eight pounds heavier and three quarters of an inch taller than me to look after me.

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

He also claimed to be Chris Hardwick's cousin.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, did he? Yeah. Talk to Hardwick about that. The other thing. Yeah, this guy claimed that some guy. Some. I don't know, it was like Brett Favre or something. Or somebody came with his wife. Some jock with his wife, and his wife was cool, but the jack was an asshole. And they pulled over and told him to get out of the car. Yeah, this guy. So I've only. I only get the guys who drive the guys. And then tell you what. Either how cool or what assholes they are.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, I want to get in that car after you and find out how you were.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, please.

[Allison Rosen]

Or just find out what they're saying about you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I think they have to recognize you.

[Allison Rosen]

They don't recognize you?

[Adam Carolla]

No, sweetie. Oh, me, they recognize me. From a fucking blimp wearing glasses with fucking Vaseline on it in a moonless night. Okay,

[Allison Rosen]

you put Vaseline on your glasses or on the blimp? What's going on here?

[Adam Carolla]

She would recognize me. Why don't you stop talking for a while? It's you whom they shan't recognize.

[Allison Rosen]

I did not come here to be insulted.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, then you shouldn't have put your limo in your mouth.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Sip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Top five reasons why you gotta use legalzoom.com. number one, average cost of a lawyer per hour. You guys got this one. Fair enough.

[Producer/Assistant]

At least $50.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello?

[Allison Rosen]

Or like $150?

[Adam Carolla]

Is this to Kill a Mockingbird? Are you nuts?

[Allison Rosen]

Atticus Finch doesn't come that cheap. Like 300 now hour.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Or 500 an hour.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to hire a boo rat to represent 50 bucks an hour. Listen, man, I got Electricians that are 50 bucks an hour. $2.95 an hour.

[Producer/Assistant]

How are they in front of a jury?

[Adam Carolla]

Hey, if you're talking about Romex versus BX Cable, they'll testify. Yeah, smart business owners. Turn to legalzoom.com. number two, many of the fastest growing businesses in America were started through LegalZoom. Did you know that? Number three, peace of mind. With LegalZoom's $50,000 guarantee in business legal

[Allison Rosen]

plans, we need that kind of peace of mind.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. How much do you think that I already told you? 50,000 bucks worth of guarantee and business legal plans. Number four, free accounting software, free domain names and more. And number five, Support them and they support us. That's really. That should be number one. You support LegalZoom, you're going to start a business. One through five, you're going to support them. They're good guys. They're good clients and they pay the bills on time. And you Support them and you support us. Legal Zoom. Be sure to enter Adam in the referral box at checkout for more Savings for LL, LLCs, Incorporations, DBAs, Trademarks and more Trust. LegalZoom.com LegalZoom is not a law firm and self help services are at your specific direction. All right. I want to thank Peter Thorsen for giving me a bunch of wine. That's all I got a nice big crate of beautiful wine by a guy by the name Peter Thorson. I think he makes it himself. And James Simmons gave me a cool rainbow poster. So thank you. Unless you send me free, I thank you. What are you gonna do? It's called grift, baby. Why not? All righty then. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Allison Rosen and bald Brian saying mahalo.

[Allison Rosen]

Get it together, Shanduba.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's Adam Cole show 799.

[Allison Rosen]

That does it.

[Adam Carolla]

As weekend's pro classics, make sure tune next week and real installments until then.

[Producer/Assistant]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

And good on.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic Men in Black one through three.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls, shut up, Titanic, I'm the king of the world and so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free. 20, 24 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now, pay never. Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic Men in Black one through three.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Mean Girls, shut up, Titanic, I'm the

[Adam Carolla]

king of the world.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

And so much more. For Showtime's press nothing. They're free. 24. 7.

[Allison Rosen]

That is so fast on Pluto TV.

[Pluto TV Announcer]

Stream now. Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

Calling all daydreamers and date nighters. Come immerse yourself in the rich culture of Texas and dig into our mouth watering barbecue. Trailblazers can explore our natural wonders

[Bobcat Goldthwait]

and

[Adam Carolla]

beach lovers will wonder why they've never felt so relaxed before. You're invited to discover experiences you can only find in Texas. Visit traveltexas.com and plan your trip today. Let's Texas.