Chris Elliot + Lizz Winstead (Carolla Classics)

Summary

Adam Carolla Show - "Chris Elliott + Lizz Winstead" (Carolla Classics)

Episode Overview

This edition of the Adam Carolla Show (air date: July 19, 2026) is a Carolla Classics episode, featuring comedic actor Chris Elliott (originally from Episode #931, 2012) and comedy writer/showrunner Lizz Winstead (Episode #1063, 2013). The episode pivots between deep-dives into Elliott's unique career, his time at Letterman, and wide-ranging comedic banter, then segues into a spirited and good-natured debate with Winstead about gender and comedy, the birth of The Daily Show, and the culture of outrage and comedy in America today.

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Segment 1: One-on-One with Chris Elliott (00:00 – 01:05:00)

The "Indefinable" Chris Elliott (02:23 – 16:00)

• Adam Carolla welcomes Chris Elliott, marveling at his enigmatic comedic persona – "You're the Kaiser Soze of comedy. No one exactly knows what you do. You just appear, you make a fart joke and you leave." (03:53, Adam)
• Chris Elliott responds with self-deprecation: "That's still my act. I don't really know what I do either. And my hardcore fans...I don't think they could define it either." (03:43, Chris)
• The conversation quickly spirals into comical discussions about aging, fart-control, and sweat—evoking hard laughs with bodily humor and physical self-awareness.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Chris: "I've got a suicidal edge...if that's what it takes to keep being funny." (02:50)
• Adam: "A man has to know his own limitations. As Clint Eastwood would say. You have to first admit you don't have the asshole of a 19-year-old anymore." (04:46)

Comedy, Aging, and Body Maintenance (11:00 – 16:34)

• The duo riffs on the indignities of aging — sweat patterns, gray workout tees, errant hairs — and the cultural shift in male grooming.
• Adam theorizes the porn industry is responsible for the widespread waxing and hair-removal trend among men: "I really think the porn industry is driving the hygiene and hair removal and all that much..." (12:06)

Denim, Trends, and Growing Older (14:42 – 16:03)

• Light banter about changing tastes in fashion—especially denim—and the perpetual out-of-touchness that comes with age.

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Chris Elliott's Letterman Years & Writing Journey (16:03 – 36:07)

Unauthorized Autobiography & Letterman Stories (16:11 – 29:29)

• Discussion of Chris’s book The Guy Under the Sheets: An Unauthorized Autobiography—a blend of fact and playful fabrication.
• Elliott tells of his early days at NBC, including meeting Dave Letterman as a tour guide and eventually becoming a writer/performer.
• He humorously reflects on the evolution of Letterman’s persona as the show transitioned from NBC to CBS: "There was a point when I couldn’t just walk into Dave’s office...it became sort of the Oval Office." (19:54)
• Conversation on the psychology of leadership and loyalty in late-night TV, with affectionate references to both Letterman and Kimmel.

Memorable, Candid Stories

• On Letterman: "He instills this loyalty—you want to be loyal to him." (22:37, Chris)
• On being part of TV history: "I had the sense it was special while it was happening...I knew." (39:13, Chris)

Showbiz Wisdom from Hal Gurney (29:02 – 32:36)

• Both recall Hal Gurney, the unassuming director, as a source of sage advice ("Just to pause a little bit before an entrance...that gets the audience more in tune..." 31:23, Chris).

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Inside Showbiz: Improv, Competition & Industry Realities (50:04 – 58:03)

Improv Comedy and Its Pitfalls

• Extended takedown of group improv: "It's like charging admission to watch you run on a treadmill; you're getting in shape." (51:07, Adam)
• Counterpoint from Chris Elliott: "I also don't like the constant need to perform. If I have time off, I don't want to go and work out at UCB." (53:56)
• Both agree their nerves are frayed watching others perform unscripted.

On Comedy’s Overemphasis

• Reflections on the preciousness and commodification of comedy—Carolla laments, "The fact that we've made comedy so precious...that bothers me," (60:36).
• Elliott: "It's also better when it's a surprise, when it's out of the blue..." (60:51)

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Segment 2: Halloween, Cheapness, and Cultural Stories (72:00 – 104:22)

• This segment features a mix of old Adam Carolla Show Classics with co-hosts Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop, and callers.
• Stories about budget Halloween costumes and the comedy found in family tightfistedness.
• A recurring joke: "There was no such thing as that plastic pumpkin thing...when I went out with a pillowcase you would take it off your pillow..." (89:51, Adam)
• Cultural observations (both humorous and pointed) about Korean social attitudes and the "toughness" of Korean Americans, as told by callers and riffed on by Adam and Chris.

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Segment 3: Interview with Lizz Winstead (105:07 – End)

The Man Show Pilot & Navigating Comedy as a Woman (105:41 – 112:16)

• Liz reminisces about working on The Man Show pilot with Adam and Jimmy, describing the male-dominated creative chaos.
• Adam notes, "We always knew it was going to be about getting our ass kicked. So we decided that every...bit we did, we would be the butt of the joke..." (111:25)

On the Creation of The Daily Show (114:09 – 117:55)

• Winstead shares the genesis of The Daily Show: "What if we tried doing it where we don’t let anybody in on the joke? ...and we do it in a way that the funny comes from understanding the bullshit that is the real news." (116:12, Liz)

Gender & Comedy: The Debate (127:16 – 139:58)

Good-Natured Controversy

• Adam and Liz spar over the controversial question: Are men funnier than women?
  • Adam: "On whole, men are funnier...it's biological." (128:07)
  • Liz: "That is simply not true. That is a crazy statement." (128:07)
  • Adam (citing a study): "Men’s captions rated higher on average than women’s captions." (133:56)
  • Liz: "Humor is so subjective...I don’t think you can say one gender is funnier." (133:38)

Notable Soundbites

• Allison Rosen: “They can pry the [c-word] from your cold, dead hands.” (126:13)
• Adam: "Either he was joking, in which case you don't need an apology, or he meant it, in which case I guarantee he still means it." (162:04)

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Standout Moments & Tone

• The recurring tone is freewheeling, irreverent, and candid—full of industry in-jokes and stories from decades in show business.
• Adam’s signature style: gruff affection, unfiltered takes, and willingness to debate, but always in the spirit of fun rather than animosity.
• Liz Winstead brings a sharp wit and feminist perspective, meeting Adam point-for-point, both sparring and laughing.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Chris Elliott Interview: 02:23 – 66:59
• Elliott on List of Improv Group Names: 58:03
• Lizz Winstead joins: 105:07
• Gender and Comedy Debate: 127:16 – 139:58

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Final Thoughts

This Carolla Classics episode provides a double dose of comedy nostalgia as Adam Carolla, Chris Elliott, and Lizz Winstead reminisce about their winding paths through late-night TV, the absurdity of show business, and the shifting mores of comedy. Their exchanges are playful but never shallow, delving into comedy's changing landscape with sharp personal anecdotes and steady self-mockery.

"You're the Kaiser Soze of comedy. No one knows what you do. You make a fart joke and you leave." – Adam Carolla on Chris Elliott (03:53)

"I don't like the constant need to perform. If I have time off, I don't want to go down and work out at UCB." – Chris Elliott (53:56)

"That is simply not true. That is a crazy statement." – Liz Winstead, responding to Adam's claim that 'men are funnier' (128:07)

The episode is a time capsule of how comedy personalities debate, reminisce, and stay irreverent, even as the medium, the audience, and the world change around them.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

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[Chris Elliott]

Best thing that's ever happened to you. Financially.

[Adam Carolla]

Go easy.

[Chris Elliott]

Sold my car on Carvana. Amazing offer, really. I hit 200 on the scratcher. Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check?

[Allison Rosen]

No.

[Chris Elliott]

How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once. Okay, that's fair. It's like the lottery, except you always win.

[Allison Rosen]

Not like the lottery at all actually.

[Chris Elliott]

Exactly. Inexplicably good offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees may apply.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to Corolla Classics.

[Chris Elliott]

I'm your host, superfan Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla Show.

[Adam Carolla]

If you'd like to access the complete

[Chris Elliott]

archive of the Adam Carolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's substack adamcarolla.substack.com Sign up, subscribe and listen ad free and if you'd like to request a clip, please email [e-mail] alright, let's get to the clips coming up. First we have Adam Carollo show 931 One on One with Chris Elliott from 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the program and it's an honor to speak with Chris Elliot.

[Chris Elliott]

I shouldn't be. It's an honor for me to speak with you. Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's nice. It must be nice being you because I think. Well, maybe.

[Chris Elliott]

Why would you say that?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you why. Why would you get so defensive about that?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, because that is the last thing that I would ever think that it's nice being me.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's good. That means you still have your edge. The second you think it's great being you, then you stop being funny.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I mean, I guess if your edge is suicidal, then yeah, I've got a suicidal edge.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the ultimate edge. I probably spent too much time in the company of Jimmy Kimmel, but Jimmy Kimmel. And it's kind of nice. It's better probably. I'm trying to think in the American psyche, or at least the psyche of American comics, to be that guy who is, you know, you're not Johnny Carson and you're not Gallagher. You're this guy that sort of hang. You know, you go in between, you take on different shapes, but you're just associated with funny. Like Jimmy was a huge Letterman fan and thus a huge Chris Elliot fan. And I didn't even know what you did other than you were funny. But that's the ultimate.

[Chris Elliott]

But that's sort of. That's still my act. I don't really know what I do either. And my hardcore fans, of which Jimmy is one, I don't think they could define it either.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's kind of nice because it's like, well, this guy does stand up, or this guy does a sitcom, or this guy does a late night show and then you have something you can wrap your mind around it. You're the Kaiser Sose of comedy. No one exactly knows what you do. You just appear, you make a fart joke and you leave.

[Chris Elliott]

Right, Right. Well, yeah. And the older I get, the more fart jokes I've been making too. Not intention lot. Yeah, it's easier.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know. It's so weird. You just, you go like I'm getting up off the sofa and then you're.

[Chris Elliott]

See, that is my biggest fear in life is just that, you know, I'm in an elevator and I can't. I have no control does that. I mean, that's gonna happen, right? That you're just.

[Adam Carolla]

It's already. I mean, it's happening in its own small way. There's two things. What do you do?

[Chris Elliott]

I know this is a bit stupid, but what do you do when that happens? Do you apologize? I think acknowledge it?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, first off, I think a man has to know his own limitations. As Clint Eastwood would say, like, you have to first admit you don't have the asshole of a 19 year old anymore.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I'm not at that point.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't admit that these whites aren't even hot. That's why we brought you Here you see your family in the next room. They're all gathered around the studio. You have to admit you can't. Your asshole can't turn somersaults like they used to.

[Chris Elliott]

I'm not there yet. This is gonna be an intervention. Cause I'm still. I have the asshole of a 10 year old right now and I always will.

[Adam Carolla]

You think you have the ass of the tiger, but you don't. It's like this is when Muhammad Ali had. Someone had to tell him, listen, you're taking a beating. You're not the greatest anymore, you know, And I. So the first thing is you have to sort of admit you're getting older because. And you can't get away with. You know what? I'll just do that weird little thing where I put all the pressure on the ball of my right foot, pivot just a little bit, sneak it out. No one's gonna hear this or I feel something coming on, but I can do a couple chin ups in front of a nun. Don't worry, nothing's gonna happen. I don't know if that scenario is gonna happen per se, but I'm just saying you can't do it anymore. Know your limitations.

[Chris Elliott]

I guess you're right. That's the first thing I had.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, the name of the book Chris has out the guy under the sheets. An unauthorized biography. It's out. You can get it at Amazon. And as we ask if you're gonna go through Amazon, go to Adam, hit the Amazon banner and put a little wind in the sails of the pirate ship here. Speaking of wind, I had tell me how embarrassing this is. There's a sort of double edged sword of having a wife who has an attractive friend. Because we all think, oh, it's nice when your wife has attractive friends. But then you realize you act.

[Chris Elliott]

I'm talking about a guy or a girl?

[Adam Carolla]

Girl.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, girl.

[Adam Carolla]

You act a little bit differently and you hold yourself to a little different standard and that kind of stuff. Like if she's bringing over one of her schlubby friends and you're walking around in cut off sweatpants, you don't change. But she's bringing over her hot friend. You kind of get it together a little bit. Not because you're having sex with her there's any reason other than that's just how you're wired, right?

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And my wife has an attractive blonde friend and I was doing what I do, which is we're bring, going to bring it back to my asshole in a second. I was skipping My rope and I go upstairs. I have a sort of a weird workout room that has huge big windows that I just slide open. So it's just big screened in windows. It's almost like a screened in porch sort of upstairs. And I just watch TV and I skip my rope.

[Chris Elliott]

That's great. How long do you do that for?

[Adam Carolla]

I go like 25 minutes. That's a lot.

[Allison Rosen]

That's.

[Adam Carolla]

But not for me because I've skipped rope for so long that I don't.

[Chris Elliott]

But are you just doing like, you know what, What? You know, not last night, but the next. Are you doing like, you know, I

[Adam Carolla]

do the tricks and stuff.

[Chris Elliott]

You do the whole tricks and stuff?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I go fast, like what boxers do and so. But it doesn't burn that many calories because I'm not moving that fast.

[Chris Elliott]

I mean, I'm moving your arms and stuff too.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good. It's good. And I'm up there and I. Some reason because I've been traveling with those big Bose sound canceling headphones. Yeah, I put those things on, I crank up the tunes, I block out the world. So now the tunes are cranking in my head. I'm watching the television. I'm listening to like, you know, mystery achievement by the Pretenders. And I'm noticing as I'm going, I'm doing the fart on the down, you know, on the. On the land, you know, sort of just a hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt. You know, you know that one where you break it off into five or six pieces, little bite sized morsels. And at a certain. And I'm letting it fly. And then at a certain point, I look to my right and I see my wife and her attractive friend having a light beer out on the patio, looking up at me through the window. And I realized they've heard every single one of those. Oh my God.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh my God. Well, they probably just thought you had the bass cranked up or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe that was just like. It's got one of those bazooka boxes up there.

[Chris Elliott]

Exactly. But at least, I mean, if she was up in your workout room and you were, you would have had that big sweat thing in your ass.

[Adam Carolla]

I like that too. It is weird.

[Chris Elliott]

Just where you sweat now is a little different too than when you sweat. You used to sweat.

[Adam Carolla]

My kids were in my room in the workout room while I was skipping my rope. I was wearing my gray T shirt. By the way, who decided that that gray T shirt, the shirt that shows off the sweat more prominently than any other material, should be the uniform, the universal workout material should be the one that shows off you pitting more than anything else.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, it really doesn't. It doesn't drip off the gray shirts. It just sits there.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird because.

[Chris Elliott]

And then sometimes it gets that sort of. If it's on there and the outside of the stain starts to dry a little, it gets a little yellow on the outside, and then it's really dark on the center.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. It gets a little salty on the outside.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, I guess that. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's so weird because a black T shirt, you can get away with, right? A white T shirt, nothing. But you don't work out in a white T shirt, and you don't work out in a black T shirt. You work out in that gray T shirt. And that shows.

[Chris Elliott]

They should come out with clear T shirts. That would completely Clear.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but seeing your areolas while you're bouncing up and down, farting.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, if it was a tight shirt, it would keep it.

[Adam Carolla]

It would be like a place. Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Sports, clear shirt. Write that down. So I was sweating away, skipping my rope, and between my tit sweat and my belly sweat, right. I had formed Mickey Mouse's head on my belly. And my kids were like, she would

[Chris Elliott]

have thought that was cute.

[Adam Carolla]

My daughter was like, you got Mickey's head. You got Mickey's sweat head on your belly, Daddy.

[Chris Elliott]

I told her, you got that at Disneyland, that shirt.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. Because. Yeah, it used to just be little sweat in the pits, little sweat on the brow, and now it's assessed everything.

[Chris Elliott]

It's also just hair is, like, really gross to me. And I know the big thing now is that all the, you know, everybody's, like, shaving everything. Like, you know, guys are, you know. You know, it's like, you know, is that just like a cleanliness thing? Like the chicks like that now that guys just are shaved everywhere and anuses are bleached, and everything is, like, you know, pure and perfect. Because I got. I go, you know, my wife and I, we live, you know, in this house by ourselves. Right now.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure.

[Chris Elliott]

And I go for a long time before I realize that I just have all this stuff coming out of my ears, out of my nose. You know, like, suddenly I have to do Letterman. My wife says, well, you're gonna clean up for that? And I go, yeah, I'm gonna take a shower and stuff. And then I go up and realize, oh, no, I've got, like, you know, a month's worth of work to do.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a Combination of the eyesight dimming down a little bit.

[Chris Elliott]

That's definitely true.

[Adam Carolla]

And the ear and the nose hair ratcheting it up.

[Chris Elliott]

It's also just not wanting to see it, though. With me, it's like just kind of, you know, squinting in the mirror, going, okay, it looks good enough.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the thing that's going on, I really do think with all the manscaping and all this stuff, men and women, I really think the porn industry is driving the hygiene and hair removal and all that much. Like, you know, remember, like Madonna would affect the dress of the young girls or Jennifer Aniston's hairdo on. Friends would push things.

[Chris Elliott]

When did the porn industry start thinking that was because it used to be Ron Jeremy and stuff? They were just.

[Adam Carolla]

But they started with the Planet of the Apes, you know. It started, you know, when some guy showed up to the porn set and they were like, hey, Stu, have you waxed your balls and bleached your anus? Because we're gonna have a camera up there. Well, they probably use their real names, you know, when they're not. By the way, sir, Duke Lacrosse. Duke Lacrosse is my porn name, by the way. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance

[Chris Elliott]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Chris Elliott]

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[Adam Carolla]

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[Chris Elliott]

Not available in all states.

[Adam Carolla]

Colonel Colonel. Duke Lacrosse is my tour name. So I think we've seen enough porn and we've decided that this is the high water mark for fucking and being naked, right? Like, this is the benchmark. Like, you can't do any better than this, right? So thus, we should emulate that. And that's why all the Jersey Shore guys look like porn guys now. It's all stripped and tanned and balls waxed and all that.

[Chris Elliott]

That's true. Maybe it came from that. You know, I like, I'm so out of it. I don't. I'll be honest, Adam. I don't watch a lot of porn. And it's time to wrap this up.

[Adam Carolla]

You gotta leave the name of the. I thought it was the guy under the sheets.

[Chris Elliott]

I mean, I thought the whole hairless thing was like, you know, an alien thing. You know, everybody loves these alien shows.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's true.

[Chris Elliott]

No one has hair, you know. Okay. It's like the man who Fell to Earth.

[Adam Carolla]

It's David, right?

[Chris Elliott]

You know, it's like, okay, we're all Supposed to be this sort of asexual not. You know, we're all one thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That is kind of the. It's an interesting point. The things that will be missing in the future, like according to television and Hollywood, is hair and denim. Those are the two things that aren't gonna make the cut. And I feel like they've been around for a while.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, what if you'd made an alien movie 200 years ago? You'd be dead wrong with the hair and the denim.

[Chris Elliott]

Right? Exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

We've doubled down on the denim and the hair.

[Chris Elliott]

What is happening with denim? Why is that going away? I don't get that.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't feel well.

[Chris Elliott]

I think that's part of me getting older too. It's like I still want to go in and think, like, I'm buying the shit that I bought when I was in high school, and I can't find it anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't think denim will ever go away. That's my point. Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

But it's all brushed now.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the problem is this. They got greedy with the denim, and they started stonewashing it in the 80s. And then everyone started making fun of the people and the pictures of the stonewashed denim. And then people went, fuck it. I'm not gonna take a chance on denim. Someone's gonna take a picture, and then in 20 years, I'm gonna be embarrassed again.

[Chris Elliott]

But you wanted that stuff when it came out. I mean, I remember when that stuff came out, I thought, oh, this is a revolution, you know? Cause this is like, I hated the fucking, you know, new denim.

[Adam Carolla]

They had to break it in that

[Chris Elliott]

you had to break in, that you had to, like, wash. You had to break it in for, you know, a couple of weeks before you felt semi comfortable with it.

[Adam Carolla]

That's a power move, by the way. Like, you know, if you're really well to do, you'd have a guy break in your shoes for you. Breaking in your jeans would be nice.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Manuel, no farting. Keep walking. Don't.

[Chris Elliott]

Part of it that partly adds to the price.

[Adam Carolla]

Double down on the gas.

[Chris Elliott]

Double down on the crotch. Rot in the jeans for me, if you would.

[Adam Carolla]

The book, and I've just seen it for the first time today, is. How would you describe it? The Unauthorized biography.

[Chris Elliott]

An unauthorized autobiography.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry.

[Chris Elliott]

It's, you know, a kind of like if Kitty Kelly had written a unauthorized biography of me. It's kind of a snarky look at my life, and because I couldn't get anybody else to write it, I wrote it myself. And it's, you know, it's a lot of made up crap. And then some real stuff, too. There's some real things out there.

[Adam Carolla]

Give us some real. Give us some real. From the book.

[Chris Elliott]

Let's see. Well, I did meet Dave Letterman when I was a tour guide at Rockefeller center up on the observation deck at Radio City Music Hall. Really not Radio City, in the RCA building. And, you know, he came with his mother and I charged him the kiddie fare as a joke and he laughed at that. But then in the book, there's a scene that didn't take place, which is me trying to impress him by doing my John Wayne Gacy impersonation, making myself throw up, and doing stuff like that that I thought he'd find funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Can we talk about Letterman for a moment? Because I feel like, you know, I know a lot of guys who know Letterman, and I feel like he's iconic and therefore loved, but I'm not sure if he's a great guy or just a great late night show host. And I'm all right with the separation part, like where I go, look, Woody Allen, Wagner, they were good at what they did.

[Chris Elliott]

But it's so weird that you say that because I do think of Woody Allen a lot, and I do think of Wagner a lot, and I feel guilty because I like Wagner music and Woody Allen, too. I like Creepy, you know, but he's brilliant.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm able. But now we do this thing where it's like we're all fans of, you know, you pick your team, and if you're, if you're, if your team is the Steelers, you're like, roethlisberger's not a rapist, right? A chick shouldn't have been wearing a short skirt, you know, and she had too many wine coolers and that, you know, and so it's like you cut him some slack. But my feeling is this. You're allowed to root for your team, right? And you're allowed to say, this guy is a great quarterback, but maybe off the field, not a fantastic individual. That's all right. You're not hanging with him. You're watching him play football. So I'm saying I always try to figure out, with Letterman. So I hear, you know, always hear. I hear good stories, then I hear kind of scary stories, and then everyone ultimately says, with Letterman, oh, he's more miserable than you'll ever be. And I go, all right, but does that give him the right to be sort of, sort of douchey off camera?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, the thing about Dave and I Am not particularly close to Dave right now. I don't see him. I did his show last night, and he was so sweet to me on the air, and he was so gracious and all that. And I hadn't seen him for a year. I think I knew him a little bit more when the show first started because it was a small group of people and there was more access to it. But as the show became popular and as the staff grew, as the show grew, and then it turned into Late show, not from Late Night, and he went over to cbs, you know, the inevitable, I think, happened. I mean, he did have to suddenly become this other sort of person to a degree. I don't think he made a conscious decision to become that. I think it's the product of being this huge star. I mean, Johnny Carson, the same thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah. And you end up taking the office upstairs and sort of locking yourself in.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I always said there was a moment or a point when I couldn't just walk into Dave's office and when it became sort of the Oval Office, where you had to go through you know, some gauntlet of assistance to get to him. But that, you know, and maybe I resented that, I think, when I said that. But in retrospect, the more I think about it, I would probably be the same way, you know, if the thing happened to me, if it had ever happened to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Does it have to go that way? Like, I understand it has to go that way to a certain degree. You can't be the person you were before. How far does it have to go?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I think you have to be a type of person for that to happen. I do think Jimmy is different.

[Adam Carolla]

Jimmy completely different.

[Chris Elliott]

And he works off a different energy that way, too. But Dave, in terms of is he a good guy or a bad guy? I think he'll go down in history as being a good. He has friends, friends that he's very loyal to.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Chris Elliott]

And, you know, the douchey aspect of it, to me, if there is any aspect of that, I would say that just comes with the pressure of the job that he's doing. And everybody deals with that in different ways.

[Adam Carolla]

Douchey, probably not the right description. What I mean is, I don't know, reclusive, sort of. You know, our friend Daniel Kellison worked there for many years, and when I did Letterman, and he wanted to go up and say hi, but he was literally scared to go up and say hi. And Daniel will go up and say hi to a hyena with aids.

[Chris Elliott]

Right. You know, I know.

[Adam Carolla]

Wearing like a pork chop vest.

[Chris Elliott]

You know, it was weird just then because I just. My mind wandered a little bit while you were talking. And then I heard Hyena with aids. And it just snapped me back to reality.

[Dawson]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

That's how I get people back. I've got to go to the hospital. There's a lot of people in comas. I'm going to bring back.

[Chris Elliott]

It was seriously. It was only like three seconds that I was starting to think, you know, oh, fuck, what am I gonna get at the hotel when I go home?

[Adam Carolla]

But he was scared. He was apprehensive. He didn't wanna do it.

[Chris Elliott]

I know that feeling. And I'm sure there are other staff members there. There is kind of. I don't know. I think there's a positive side to that, too, and something that helps the show, too. I think it's good that Dave is this, you know, this figure that's, you know, not particularly accessible and that, you know, maybe you are a little afraid of him a little bit. I think that helps a little bit with the. With what the show is. I don't know. I haven't worked on that show since, you know, the 80s. Dave has always been great to me. And he is. The thing about him is he. He instills this loyalty. You know, you want to be loyal to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Chris Elliott]

And you. I think Jimmy is the same way in that sense. I feel the same way to Jimmy. Jimmy's always been great to me.

[Adam Carolla]

All. Well, I do think that almost all leaders, good or bad, like even the ones that are into ethnic cleansing. And I'm not saying Jimmy's in it for all. Some ethnicities, but certainly not all of them. I don't want to paint that picture. No, Tom.

[Chris Elliott]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, there are some, what he calls troublemakers. That's a couple gypsies, gays, Jews, a couple outsiders, you wouldn't notice the difference. But the point is this. Yes. These guys always create this sense of you can take.

[Chris Elliott]

It's an aura.

[Adam Carolla]

It's basically. It's like a Mexican drug cartel. You want this silver? This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

[Chris Elliott]

Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash?

[Adam Carolla]

Progressive makes it easy to see if

[Chris Elliott]

you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies.

[Adam Carolla]

Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or lead. Right. Is basically the deal. But the good news is you don't have to chop anyone's head off. And put it in a duffel bag. Just take the silver. Right. It's like, you're like a cop who's gonna take the silver, gonna take the bribe. It's basically the silver lead. Thing is, if you're a cop and you're working in Tijuana, take our money, we're a drug cartel, or you're gonna get a bullet. So it's take the silver or get the lead. Now, the good news is with guys like Jimmy is you're a cop and it's okay to take the silver.

[Chris Elliott]

Right? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So why would you. And I've seen people, and you've probably seen it too, choose to take the lead. Oh, sure. And you're like, why are you fucking with Pablo? That's what I call Jimmy.

[Chris Elliott]

The thing about. I mean, you hear about, like, Patton, George Patton, how people, you know, everybody was scared of him, but his, you know, his troops would go anywhere for him and do anything for him.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you need.

[Chris Elliott]

I mean, it's. And I don't say. I'm not saying that Dave works on that level that people are so scared of him that that's why they're doing a good job at his show. But I think there is a nice mix there of you're doing a comedy show, but then there's also this sort of a little underlying tension that's going on there. Yes. That actually, I think, keeps things in line to a degree for him. That's not the same for Jimmy. They're two different guys.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I think the through line, though, for people who get to that position and who strive to get to that position, not everyone wants that. People say, well, it's everyone's dream to host this or play shortstop for the Yankees. No, it isn't. It's a lot of people's nightmare because they don't want that kind of pressure on a daily basis. You know what it's like to just go back in your living room and watch your nasal hairs grow and not have to fucking deal with putting on makeup every day and all that stuff. But for the guys who want that, it is, you're for me or you're against me. And I will be your best friend, your best ally, the most generous guy you've ever met, or your worst nightmare. Your worst nightmare. And the good news is, at least with Jimmy, and I suspect this way with Dave, too, it's easy to be their friend.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So why take the lead?

[Chris Elliott]

Right? Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But you will get the lead if you choose that path.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah. And there may be times when you get the lead, when you didn't choose it either, when it just happens to come out of the blue, I think that is what people are, you know, I think that's where the fear, where the Daniel Kelison fear comes from is.

[Adam Carolla]

And that happens. Everyone's gonna get a little. What we call little friendly fire. Maybe.

[Chris Elliott]

When I work for Dave, residual, we. There were like three times when we had, like, a fight, and it was like the most traumatic experience for me.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

And the opposite, however, you know, when you did a piece. When I would do a piece, especially like on a Friday night, and I had the weekend ahead of me and it went well. And Dave came by and just, you know, gave me a thumbs up or just went, well, tonight I walked by. I would be high, you know, literally high for, you know, days.

[Adam Carolla]

Was there any hanging out off set?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, you know, early on, I think there was with Dave again, you know, after the show started to build. He couldn't do that. But I remember, like, the first week of the. Of Late Night, when it went on the air, I was like, I was answering. I was an intern, not an intern. I was a runner. And they gave me the job of answering the phone. And I was fucking around and just like, you know, answering it rawhide instead of. And Dave heard that and laughed at it. You know, walked by and he said, you know, let's go out. And he was staying at some hotel with Merrill, Marco. They hadn't moved into any house yet. And he said, and it was near where I was still living with my parents. And he said, let's go out for breakfast now.

[Adam Carolla]

How old were you at the time?

[Chris Elliott]

21.

[Adam Carolla]

And what do you. Wow.

[Chris Elliott]

And I thought he was joking, though. I thought, oh, oh, okay, yeah, I'll meet you. And he said, no, no, be at the diner at 9 o'.

[Dawson]

Clock.

[Chris Elliott]

We'll have breakfast. And I was like, yeah, okay. And then I remember that day being on the phones and he walked by with Merrill, and he said, so, we're going to see you, Tom. And I was like, yeah, okay. And I went home that night and I did not know if he was serious or not. I had. I suspected he was joking and was fucking with me. But just to be on the safe side, I showed up at the diner and like 9:15 came and went, and I was about to leave, and then he walked in the door and we sat down and we had breakfast and then walked, you know, he walked me back to, you know, my home with my mom and dad.

[Adam Carolla]

Did you guys Talk comedy. Was he saying?

[Chris Elliott]

No, he was a fan of my dad. So I guess there was some talk about that. But it was mostly just commenting on the omelets that we were having and, you know, the stupid looking waiters and, you know, look at that person over there, you know, so it was really.

[Adam Carolla]

There was no business to it. It was just.

[Chris Elliott]

No, it was totally social. And there were a couple of times when we would go out to dinner, you know, with Barbara Gaines and Hal Gurney and me and Merrill.

[Adam Carolla]

Hal Gurney, by the way, is just salt of the earth.

[Chris Elliott]

He really. I mean, he. They. Dave. Hal Gurney was like sort of the grandfather.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The early years when Dave would say, hal, roll that clip, or Hal, where's that thing? That's hal Gurney, who's 90 years old now. 88.

[Chris Elliott]

I guess he's probably pushing that, but still in great shape.

[Adam Carolla]

Stout dude.

[Chris Elliott]

Jumps rope.

[Adam Carolla]

Sweats Martz. Jumps rope. Oh. Hell of a woodworker, by the way, I swear to you.

[Liz Winstead]

Is he.

[Chris Elliott]

Is Hal a woodworker?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

I can't. I don't remember.

[Adam Carolla]

Hal used to come out here and direct bits for the band show.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know. Cause Jimmy was like, Hal Gurney from Late Night. Hell, yeah, get him out here. Hal and I hung out a lot, and we just talk about woodworking and oscillating spindle sanders and things like that. And he was just a very. You know, it was funny because Hal was a guy who has, like, quiet wisdom.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he's not up in your face, but he just sort of quietly says things.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And I don't know why this stuck with me, but I had him over to my house just a couple years ago when he was in town kind of thing. You know, stay in touch, talk about wood.

[Chris Elliott]

That sounds exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

He. He came into my house, and I have a view on the backside of my house, and there's a neighbor that's down the hill that has big trees that kind of. They don't block the view. But I always wish I could just sort of cap them off. Just sort of lop off the top so I could have the full view. And it's always kind of bothered me. And I've always wondered, should I go down there and pay for it or talk to them? I've never gotten around to it. But every time I look out, I see these trees. They're off in the distance. They're 100, 200ft off, and they're not blocking the view. But I wish they were gone.

[Chris Elliott]

Right. They're bugging you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Hal comes in, he stands there, he looks out the back window and he goes, I like those trees there. They offer perspective.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, that's a nice new perspective on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they do. And then all of a sudden I felt good about the trees.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And that was it. And that was like kind of howl is, you know, he just kind of offers his little wisdom.

[Allison Rosen]

He.

[Chris Elliott]

That just reminded me of something he said to me when I was first starting out at Letterman, doing bits and coming out. He just like quietly said to me, you know what really works well is just to pause a little bit before an entrance. I've always noticed that gets the audience more in tune to you coming out. And I realized he was right, that as soon as you're introduced, don't run out, give it a couple of beats and then come out.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Chris Elliott]

And it was like the first piece of like show business advice that anybody had ever given me. And he gave it in like he was just thinking about it himself. But I know he was telling me, oh, my entrance would be better if I just delayed it like three seconds.

[Adam Carolla]

He gives advice like he's talking to himself.

[Chris Elliott]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

But he does it to you.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, he was a big supporter of mine. He used to, he loved to turn me on to things like Jacques Tati, who I never really got into. But Hal was a huge fan of his.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't know who he is, like a

[Chris Elliott]

French, sort of Charlie Chaplin.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, he sort of, I guess physically was doing stuff like that at Letterman and he thought I would get a kick out of that. And so we would have these movie nights after the show at late night where he would bring in this film and we'd all watch it and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

What an exciting, extraordinary time for you.

[Chris Elliott]

It was not to interrupt, but it does sound, I don't know, cliche, but it was like my favorite year. For me, that was just those years. There were the best years of my life.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, well, not only are you young, but you have this sense and it's kind of fun and it's a double edged sword, that sense of I don't know what the next day holds. Yes, now it's more nasal hair.

[Chris Elliott]

Exactly. A cult or something. There's too many answers out there now.

[Adam Carolla]

Now it's like, well, I got insurance, everything's insured.

[Chris Elliott]

I mean, that's the same with marriage too. Yeah, right. You have to like, you think back on when it was all a mystery, when you weren't thinking. Like you just said you had no idea what was coming next.

[Adam Carolla]

Someone would invite you to party and you'd be like, I wonder if there are going to be chicks there. Are there any chicks right there? Chicks? There's going to be no sausage fest because I don't want to blow another guy. I mean, not me, but you know what I'm saying?

[Chris Elliott]

Right. No, I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So there's that feeling of this is exciting, this is new. What's next? And as far as like the money goes, I got enough, you know.

[Chris Elliott]

And who was great money? I mean, when I was made a writer at late night. And I was pretty young when that happened too.

[Adam Carolla]

Now how did you go. And by the way, sit on that for one second. A little love to one of our sponsors.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, this would be nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, okay, but we'll take.

[Chris Elliott]

And I'm supposed to be quiet while you do it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

No, you jump. No, you can jump in.

[Chris Elliott]

I can jump right in.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Lending trade. I don't know if you felt that, but you need that extra money in your pocket. It's not too late to start. Holidays coming around. Gotta buy that turkey, baby. Stuff it with singles.

[Chris Elliott]

That's what I do with your fist full of singles.

[Adam Carolla]

Fist full of singles. One of the best Clint Eastwood movies ever made. LendingTree can help. Mortgage rates are at historic lows, by the way. 3.125% APR, by the way. So you refinance your house or your cabin in the woods where Chris lives and save hundreds of hundreds a month. Try lendingtree.com so go to trylendingtree.com oh, that is. Try lendingtree.com Yep. Complete the one easy form and their network of over 200 lenders will compete for your business. That's what I love.

[Chris Elliott]

That sounds like fun.

[Adam Carolla]

They compete for your business. Let the banks.

[Chris Elliott]

Like a game show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, like if. It'd be like if. 200 Mr. Mooney's from the Lucille Ball Show. Lucille Ball.

[Chris Elliott]

That would be a really weird matrix.

[Adam Carolla]

All those Mr. Munis, 200 Mr. Mooney. Okay, 100 Mr. Mooney's and 100 Mr. Drysdales were all competing for your account. Could you imagine the Utopia Lending Tree? It's free, it's easy, and you can be confident in the lender you choose. So compare offers for up to four lenders within just minutes. Enter my code Ace for free Mortgage Guide. Unbelievable timer.

[Chris Elliott]

Lena, how long does this go on? It's like an infomercial. Go on.

[Adam Carolla]

How much do you have? This is goddamn entertaining.

[Chris Elliott]

All right, I gotcha.

[Adam Carolla]

This is content, my friend. Right Click, click. Oh, please, please. I'm Putting my own flavor on this. You tell me that Mr. Mooney wasn't gold.

[Chris Elliott]

Now you're giving it a Spin the Matrix on it. No, I think I'm giving you a little help here. I'm doing something right. I'm getting you a little something something to give it a little spice.

[Adam Carolla]

I was going to bring it home yesterday, but you had to jump in. All right, enter the code ACE for a free mortgage guide. And try lendingtree.com. all right, quick break. Oh, Dawson. Oh, damn. I forgot about Dawson.

[Dawson]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Terms and Conditions apply. Visit www.lendingtree.com for details. LendingTree and MLS license number 111312 Village Creek Drive, Suite 900, Plano, TX 75093. All right, come on, why don't you punch that up, Chris?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I didn't understand what you meant when you said Dawson, like Richard Dawson. I thought, oh, is there like a memorial thing going on here today?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know. And it's sad because he finally died and he was always at the top of my is he dead or is he alive List. Because nobody could ever.

[Chris Elliott]

You can keep him on it. He can. I'm sure he's still on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Theoretic. Keep him on it. No, you know what? Why should he?

[Chris Elliott]

Because most of those people on those lists, they're alive. So you need a dead people on that list to have that answer.

[Adam Carolla]

I just rounded it out. Thank you. Chris Elliot in with us. The guy under the sheets. Name of the new book, the unauthorized biography. And you can get it at Amazon and you can click through our website Mangria. My beautiful, beautiful concoction of booze shipping. As we speak, I've invented something called Mangria. It's lovely.

[Chris Elliott]

It's. Right now I could use. It's sounding really nice, Believable, because I'm on east coast times.

[Adam Carolla]

Are you?

[Chris Elliott]

It's Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Would you like a little taste?

[Chris Elliott]

I would never turn down a Mangria.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get Chris a little taste of the Mangria and shipping as we speak. Go to AdamCroll.com if you like that. All right, so we spoke moments ago about you and we know you were 21 when you started over there, but when did you make it to the official writing staff of Letterman? How old were you and can you remember what you got paid?

[Chris Elliott]

I was probably about 22, maybe 23 by the time I was made a writer. It was. It I wasn't, you know, I was hired as a runner and then made a production assistant in charge of auditioning stupid petrichs Right. And then I was sort of writing little ideas and jokes for Dave under the table and then wrote a submission for him. And so I was probably about 23, and they brought me on with another man, boy, guy who was a production assistant named Matt Wickline, who's a really funny writer. And they brought us on as a team. That way they could bring on more writers if they called us a team, because that would be one writer, supposedly, according to the guild. But they paid us individually as individual writers, which was this huge thing. I was like 20, just about 23, and it was like over $1,300 a week.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow.

[Chris Elliott]

And I think that was the guild minimum, the writer's guild minimum at the time. And I couldn't believe it. And I really. Those years of working there, living in New York City, walking down, and my wife I met there, so we were living together, and we would walk down through the park, Central park, till late night, do the hippest show on television at the time, and get to be on that show, get to be funny and home with a great paycheck at the end of the week. It was an amazing, amazing period in my life. The good thing about it is I knew it was amazing when it was happening. I didn't think it wasn't like, oh, this is the way it's always going to be, or whatever. I knew, oh, this is special what's happening right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I've always told people, when they ask for advice about their kids or how they can get into radio or show business or whatever, I always just say, show up, show up. Stop coming up with a strategy and

[Chris Elliott]

just show up, Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Just show up and answer the phone. Show up and drive the van. Show up and get the coffee. Because guys like Letterman and guys like Kimmel and all those guys, they have a really good radar dish, and it's always going. And they may not tell you it's turned on, and they may not say a word, but they see everything and they hear everything. That's absolutely true. Part of their gift is that. And if there's a guy and he's getting coffee or he's answering the phones, but he's also funny and he's contributing, they will find you.

[Chris Elliott]

That's absolutely true.

[Adam Carolla]

There's this whole thing where it's like, how's he ever going to notice me? I'm just the guy who answers the phone. They know everybody, right? They know the good and they know the bad. They know the interns that suck and the ones that are going to be segment producers next year.

[Chris Elliott]

You're absolutely right. And that's how it happened with me. I mean, Dave, I did meet him on the observation deck when I was that tour guide. And then I went to apply for a job on late night. When it. Before it ever started up, I was working at PBS as a production assistant. And I went over there and I was waiting. I was waiting and I thought. I thought I dressed up cool for the interview. I had a vest on and a really thin tie and bowling shoes.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Chris Elliott]

Which they weren't. No, they weren't bowling shoes. They were those jazz shoes. Those zodiac jazz shoes. Dave called them. Dave walked in, he said, oh, I like those bowling shoes wearing there. But he remembered me from when I had met him on the observation deck. So even then he was like, taking notice, I guess, of me. But he, you know, around the office, I always felt like, okay, if I make. Even if I make somebody else laugh who's close to Dave, they'll tell Dave. Dave will hear about that. And Meryl Marco, you know, I worked a lot with her, and she, I'm sure, you know, said, oh, this Elliot guy's a goofball. We should use him.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, word gets around very quickly. Try a little Mangria there. It's got a little. It's got a little punch to it, I must warn you.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, that's nice. That's very nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Now the nice part is four times alcohol of beer.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, perfect. Because I'm gonna be doing Jimmy tonight, so this will be good.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll have to look at lit up. Yeah, just keep it going.

[Chris Elliott]

Do you have any brie and crackers? Because it's like cocktail time back east for me. That's what we do.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I will try to rustle something up. I think we have barbecue, but yeah,

[Chris Elliott]

no, something more finger. You know, like a little cracker.

[Adam Carolla]

Finger friendly.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Your first bit on Letterman.

[Dawson]

Do you.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure you remember what it was. Were you nervous or were you too young to even know that you should be nervous?

[Chris Elliott]

I think I always get nervous. I still get nervous. And I'm sure I was nervous. The very first thing I did was on the first show, Dave did a tour of the studio of 6A and he ended in the control room where for some reason there was an Oktoberfest going on. And so I was dressed in Ledehosen and I had a big beer in my hand and all that. And I haven't seen that in a long time. But I think I.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, don't give him cheesy. He's going to make noise.

[Chris Elliott]

No, no, I'll be very quiet. That's lovely. Thank you. This is me back in Connecticut right about now. Okay, Six more of these and that is it for me. No, but I think that was the first. Well, that was the first time. And then I think later that week. And this is a true story, and it's in the book. He had me come on as modeling garbage. It was an urban disguise for the show. You know, you could walk the streets in New York safe in this urban disguise as a big pile of garbage, but you couldn't see my face, right? And I came out and walked around and left. And that night, when they re broadcast the show for some reason on the east coast, that part of the show got blacked out. So Dave had me come on the next night in the same garbage suit, but with my face visible now. And he asked me, you know, if I was upset. And I said yes, because I had invited a lot of friends to come and see me perform garbage on his show. And he said, what did they say of your performance? And I said, they said it was the funniest thing they had seen in North America. And he laughed at that.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Chris Elliott]

And the fact that he laughed at it at that moment, I sort of knew, oh, okay, that's how this is gonna work. If I can make Dave laugh, then that's all I have to think about. And that really is all I thought about doing all the shit I used to do on that show. I loved getting audience laughs, but a lot of the time I didn't. But I got Dave laugh. And that's still the case when I do Dave. There's times when the audience is just. I don't like them. But Dave is laughing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you know, it's so insane.

[Chris Elliott]

I'm looking down here, I was so bombed. And I like, seriously, I just, like, sniffed that. I didn't even, like, snip it.

[Adam Carolla]

Take another hit, it'll even you out.

[Chris Elliott]

Jesus Christ.

[Adam Carolla]

You need to be evened out. That's all. Did you have a car take you here?

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah. And the drive. This is going to help me in my conversation with the driver.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be great on the ride back to the hotel. You know what the problem with pitches are you fucking up in your fucking grill. You know what I'm saying?

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah. Oh, boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. Nice.

[Chris Elliott]

I mean, it's like it's in the ice too. It's like the ice is full of liquor.

[Adam Carolla]

Also, I don't know if you can freeze it in the alcohol. Yeah. It's infused. And now it's in you, my friend. Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

No, a little bit of you is in me.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the way I like it. So it makes me want somebody. I'm on. Ellie. No, I'll take it all.

[Chris Elliott]

I thought you were gonna say you were on.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Chris Elliott]

Vacation.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no.

[Chris Elliott]

So this is interfering with that.

[Adam Carolla]

Mixing is fine. It's crazy because I look at Chris Elliot is. You know, if you would have said, I'm looking at a thing that says 82 through 85 on Letterman.

[Chris Elliott]

That's when I was on.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it says here. And I would have said, oh, no. He was on for 10 years, easily.

[Chris Elliott]

I was there from the beginning till I left for get was 89, 90.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know why the hell it says 82 to 85.

[Chris Elliott]

And then I came back, even after Get A Life. I kept an office there. Dave let me keep an office, and I came back and did bits on the show, even when I was doing my own show. And I actually did that a little bit at the Late show, too.

[Adam Carolla]

And do you feel. I mean, at that time, it was such a magical time because a, you're making 1,300 bucks a week and you had a partner.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

And also this thing that you're a part of, something that is sort of almost magical in the sense that this doesn't come around very often in tv,

[Chris Elliott]

where I can't describe how magical it was for me, because for another reason, for me, it was at Rockefeller Center, 30 Rock. And that's where my dad started his career there. And also my mother was an AD. That's where she met my dad back in the 40s, late 40s, early 50s there. And when I started working at Letterman, there were plenty of people that came up and said, oh, I used to work with your dad in Studio 6A or 6B or whatever. And. But there were a number of stagehands who would come up and go, how's your mother doing? I used to work with her when she was an AD for the Today show and doing this and that and that. There was a sense for me of just, you know, stepping into, you know, my dad's shoes to a degree and stepping into his world and carrying on, you know, his tradition. That meant a lot to me even back then, and still does to me.

[Adam Carolla]

How many years did he do his radio show?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, he had a number of radio shows. I mean, they were always.

[Adam Carolla]

He was on the radio for how long?

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, God, I Don't know. They started in the 40s in Boston right after the war, and then came to New York. NBC brought them to New York. And it was a real weird thing because. And then NBC gave them a TV show and they didn't. They ad libbed all their stuff. You know, they didn't write stuff down and NBC didn't want them to do that, so they hired writers for them and they hired people to tell them, Bob and Ray, you know, how to. How to perform for tv. And, you know, because my dad, basically, they would have a blackboard that would just say, okay, we're gonna do, you know, the burglar bit. We're gonna do the, you know, the, the merry backstage or whatever, farting while

[Adam Carolla]

you're skipping rope bits.

[Chris Elliott]

No, that's. You know, my father is very erudite, much like me. I'm sort of the Noel Coward of my generation. What, did.

[Adam Carolla]

Did he give it up for you in your comedy?

[Chris Elliott]

I think so. I think, you know, he. I think it was a growing process, though, because if you look, I know there were some early interviews with him that we did, like for People magazine when I was just starting where. And I don't think he meant this, but where he would say things like, well, a lot of it I just don't get.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Chris Elliott]

But I didn't expect him to.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but what is that? I mean, it's a different story now. I mean, this was back when a dad was a dad and it was a different time and you weren't supposed to be. How's that feel on your tongue, Chris?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, it's not just on my tongue. Oh, God, it feels good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Wow.

[Chris Elliott]

No, this is. That's like grain alcohol. There's something in that.

[Adam Carolla]

But it chased you.

[Chris Elliott]

It came out of a barrel.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, no, that's the. It tastes like, you know, like a sweet syrup that you want over ice cream and you want all over your body.

[Adam Carolla]

And that's the plan.

[Chris Elliott]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, keep going. It's gonna get on your back.

[Chris Elliott]

Have another Cheez it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I felt, you know, it was funny because my grandfather, my step grandfather was a writer and he wrote some comedy, but he was sort of wrote features and things like that. And he went. He got dragged out to see an improv show I did once, and he flat out said he did not like and he did not approve. And I realized his whole thing was he's a writer, and you're basically saying, we don't need you we're making up our own shit. And that's why he disapproved. But he was pretty vocal about it.

[Chris Elliott]

But wasn't that also, though? I mean, improv is, like, kind of a. I mean, I don't particularly. I did it. I was in a troupe. I did all that. But, you know, to me, it's an act exercise that you're doing for an paying audience. Well, yeah. I mean, I sort of have a thing about it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not. No, I'm not. You're right. It's like charging admission to watch you run on a treadmill. It's like you're getting in shape.

[Chris Elliott]

Getting in shape. And you're paying to watch you do that.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And there's a handful of people that are really good at it and. And. But mostly not.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, it's. But sometimes somebody could be great at it, but then they come out with a real bad idea, too. It's just like every improv troupe I've ever seen, somebody starts doing that, and they're supposed to be milking a cow, and somebody else walks up and goes, how's the weightlifting going? And takes it in this other direction. And I'm just sitting there going, ugh. I just wind it up. And I used to go to, like, my daughter. Both daughters did improv, and I used to go to Abby's shows, and she was really good at it. But I would, like, see, you know, they'd be standing on a wall in the back, you know, five of them, and one person would come out and start doing something, and then I'd see Abby's face, and I know Abby, and I'd see her just starting to stroll forward, and I just. I would just go, no, no, go back. You don't have an idea. I can tell you don't have an idea. Go back. Just stand back there.

[Adam Carolla]

She's bad as dad.

[Chris Elliott]

She would come out and nine times out of 10 had a good idea. But I just. I also don't like that, being. Having to watch a show. And maybe your grandfather felt this way, too, and feel like the performers are out on a ledge and could fall off. No, I agree, because you're gonna fall off with them, and I don't like that feeling. I want to just sit back and be entertained.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm uncomfortable watching sketch in group. Group improv? Yes. I never go watch it.

[Chris Elliott]

Yes, you do.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't.

[Chris Elliott]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. I go to, like, vintage car races and stuff. I don'. I don't support the arts at all. At All. And it's funny because people say to me, hey, everyone go down there and get up on stage over there at the Acme Theater. And I go, what the fuck for?

[Chris Elliott]

That's so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't it be fun? And I'm like, no. What kind of money are we talking? No, no, for free. Just to get up there and do an improv. Like, are you nuts?

[Chris Elliott]

That's so funny.

[Adam Carolla]

The whole plan was to stop doing that. That's why I did that. Exactly.

[Chris Elliott]

I'm exactly the same way. I have friends that will say that to me, you know? Yeah, I'm doing. At Bobo's, I'm gonna do a 20 minute. What are you gonna do? And I'm like, I don't know. Why don't you come and we'll do it together?

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm. Why would I fucking do that?

[Chris Elliott]

Why would I get up there without material?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know.

[Chris Elliott]

Without anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Without pay. Without pay, right.

[Chris Elliott]

And then no pay, no net, blown all over the dice.

[Adam Carolla]

That should be your new. That should be. That's the new book. That's the new book. No pay, no net, no dice.

[Chris Elliott]

I just don't get it. I also don't. I don't like the constant need to perform. You know, that's part of it, too. It's like, if I have time off, I don't want to go down and work out at ucb. I don't want to go down and do a set somewhere, which I don't do anyway. But why? No, I want to sit at home and have some of these, watch some

[Adam Carolla]

A and E. Yeah, listen, couple things. I would no sooner, Jesus Christ, go over to Acme and do a harem. Then I would go back to Chatsworth and scrape a roof, you know, like, hey, used to do construction. How about you get on this condo in Chatsworth and help us pull some tar paper off? No, it sucked then, it sucks now. And the whole reason I did it was to not do it.

[Chris Elliott]

Exactly. And I. When I was in very. Before I ever went to Letterman, I was in this improv troupe. And.

[Adam Carolla]

Please tell me the horrible name Five and Dime.

[Chris Elliott]

I have. Actually, if you look in the book, there's a list of improv troops in there that I listed. I can find it for you.

[Adam Carolla]

We had the Frayed Nuts out here, which was the.

[Chris Elliott]

I actually, I had John Kimmel give me a couple of names too, of his.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Chris Elliott]

Good.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Jimmy's brother John.

[Chris Elliott]

But yeah, I mean, back then it was like the High Heel Women and, you know, that whole group, you know. But I can remember we always, if something went well one night, we, the next night just tried to move the improv in that direction so we could just recreate what we did the night before.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Chris Elliott]

You know, it. It wasn't really improv. It was. If you're performing it nightly like that, you just want to fall into what you know is going to get a laugh.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm glad we both hate group improv because I get nervous watching other people do it.

[Chris Elliott]

I think that's it.

[Adam Carolla]

Once you know something, it also bothers you because you start. It's like, as a carpenter, I don't like walking through people's houses because I just see a lot of mistakes that I don't know if I should point out or not.

[Chris Elliott]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

And so it's like you see the guy down one knee and he's doing some movement with his hands. And another guy walks up and goes, how's that spare tire coming? And the other guy says, I don't know. Cause I'm starting a campfire. And you're like, what? And then you're sitting in the audience going, no, he said spare tire. You have to go with spare tire. He brought it up first. I don't care what you were doing with that fucking campfire in your head. You had a campfire in your head. But he said spare tire. He said, you're changing a tire, so you have to go with it. That's the best part of improv, when someone has something already worked out.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, that's what I was saying is like, when somebody comes up and you can see that person's wrist, you can see that, oh, shit, now I gotta, like, play his game, you know, and it's not really like give and take. It's competitive too. It's like, right, somebody's trying to get a better laugh than you. And, you know, I don't like that either. I don't like competition, especially in comedy. I, that's, you know, and Jimmy, you know, you know, doing stand up and all that. That's. I could never have done that. I could never, like, go up after somebody else, you know, even at late night, you know, I always made sure, you know, my bits weren't going to come after Bill Murray, you know, or somebody like that, you know, I preferred coming after, you know, somebody boring.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's a weird, because that's when Dane Cook and I parted ways, when he just told me I do a set every night. Every single night. I just go to the club. I Do a set. Sometimes I'll go to two clubs and I. It's like, why? I don't get that. And as a society, we're supposed to respect and appreciate that. But it doesn't sound very Renaissance Y to me. It sounds very well rounded to me.

[Chris Elliott]

And what scares me is the need to do it. It's like, what is it about you that needs that? Are you really working out jokes or are you just happy to get some applause and laugh and love from a bunch of strangers?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know, but they. Again, as a society, we applaud that. And we frown upon us sitting home, consuming Mangria and watching Hitler's henchmen on the History Channel.

[Chris Elliott]

This is from my book, when I just first came, started to get into comedy. Like the skiffle bands of the early 60s, groups of rebellious teens influenced by seditious satire of Monty Python, Firestine Theater, Saturday Night Live formed improv troupes with inimitable names like the Groundlings, the Committee, the High Heels Women, the Farce side Hams on Rye, Jabba the Nuts, Lord have Mer C, hold the Catch Up, Pass the Mayo, the Rib Ticklers, and Jamie the Toasted Bialys with a Schmear. Mother may I? Lather, Rinse and Repeat, Helter Schmelter, the Capturing the Freedmans, the Chortle Queens, Fascist Bunions, Peeps a Poppin, and of course, the Rama Lama Ding Dongs.

[Adam Carolla]

I work for a comedy traffic school called Letta Amuse. You spelled L, E, T, T, U, C, E. And even at the time I was like, well, first off, you're not supposed to be unfunny in your title of funny because you're tipping your hand.

[Chris Elliott]

But, you know, that's a good point. I also have a thing about, you know, remember when the Comedy Channel first started?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Chris Elliott]

I was just against that. To me, like just a 24 hour channel that's just coming. Comedy to me seemed like too in your face. It seemed too like, look at us, we're funny and everything's gonna be funny, even our bumpers, even, you know, we're gonna make sure our commercials are funny. But even the music coming out of the commercials is gonna be goofy and funny.

[Adam Carolla]

That's why we should have started the Pathos network. We now return to Brian's Song. And that'd be it. Every single thing would just be. And now we return to Brian Song.

[Chris Elliott]

You know that when I went to visit the White House when I was a kid, we got some backstage tour at the White House and we went up these stairs, and there was a bunch of film canisters on. And I looked at him, and it was Brian's Song. And apparently that was. Richard Nixon was the president at the time. That was, like, one of his favorite movies. Like, you know, a number of copies of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Weird.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, Weird.

[Adam Carolla]

Hoping the black guy died instead.

[Chris Elliott]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

But I felt.

[Chris Elliott]

I felt.

[Adam Carolla]

I felt.

[Chris Elliott]

I also feel that way. I hate to be so negative.

[Adam Carolla]

Go ahead.

[Chris Elliott]

But this kind of brings it out of me.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the Mangria. Go ahead.

[Chris Elliott]

The comedy festivals, you know, with guys, you know, juggling and walking around on stilts and stuff like that.

[Adam Carolla]

Doing comedy. Hate all entertainment.

[Chris Elliott]

It's just like, ugh, no, I'm not gonna go up to Montreal or wherever. Toronto, wherever that is, and, you know, have to wade through that crap.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the fact that we've made comedy so precious, that bothers me a little bit, where it's just, look, you're funny. You tell a joke, you get paid, you go home. Let's not turn these guys into deities or geniuses.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, yeah, and it's also better when it's a surprise, when it's out of the blue, you know, when it's like. I mean, you know, the Tonight show was always an emphasis on comedy, but I sort of. I think growing up, I always sort of thought that was just a talk show. It was called a talk show. And then when something funny happened, it was like, oh, this is great. You know that this is rolling into something really funny right here. Besides his stupid bits and stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. No, I agree. This is why you get the best laughs at a funeral, when the person's doing the eulogy and then he tells a little anecdote about the person and everyone just erupts in laughter. I've said the same thing. I've said it many times. Like, look, I did a home improvement show that was funny. But I said, don't call it a comedy home improvement show called a Home Improvement show, and then it'll be the funniest home improvement show. No, say comedy. And I've always said, this is why Mexico can't make desserts. Now stay with me on this. Have a shot of your Mangria.

[Chris Elliott]

No, I'm already thinking about Caesar salad at the Peninsula.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is this. We understand that in order to make a great dessert, you need a little baking soda and a little salt and a little yeast and some crap that's not sweet. Because you go, what's the best part about dessert? What's the difference between just a Dinner roll and a donut. Someone goes, well, sugar. And you go, all right, so Mexico goes, you know what? We'll take sugar, we'll melt it down, we'll pour it into the mold of a cactus and that'll be the greatest dessert ever. And it's like, no, the greatest dessert ever has a salty flavor to it. And that's what you need. It brings out the sweet and you need some of salt in the comedy to bring out the laughs. And if it's just sugar on saccharine on Sweet N Low, it doesn't bring it out. Sometimes in the comedy world, you don't realize that a couple moments. I did a show called Loveline for a million years that everyone loved because we would have moments of serious conversation and then I'd tell a joke.

[Chris Elliott]

Right. Well, I tuned into that show, actually for some information, you know, not just for the. Yeah, I think so.

[Adam Carolla]

Have a. By the way, have a shot of Main. I'm going to talk about one of our fine sponsors.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, good.

[Adam Carolla]

You're rolling on a little buzz here because this is going to blow your mind. VistaPrint.com. vistaPrint.com. Here's the deal. You can choose from thousands of designs or you can upload your own artwork. They will do T shirts, they will do postcards, they'll do signs, they'll do brochures, invitations. Now let me ask you this, Chris Elliot. 250 premium business cards. 250. How much. How much do you think they would charge you for? 250?

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I don't know. Like two bucks a card?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So that's what, $500?

[Chris Elliott]

I have no idea. Yeah, $500.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to guess again? How about $10?

[Chris Elliott]

Okay, $10 a car.

[Adam Carolla]

No, $10. That's expensive. No, $10 for 250 premium business cards.

[Chris Elliott]

So that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

250 for 10 bucks.

[Chris Elliott]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Unbelievable.

[Chris Elliott]

That is unbelievable. The more I think about that shipping. Well, you throw that in and that's it. That's. I'm selling the house, I'm moving there.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't need to. It's free. It's coming to Europe. Where would I move? Yeah, why would you move? There's free shipping. You'd have to be a fool.

[Chris Elliott]

No, I'm gonna give up my life. I'm gonna work for that.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Chris Elliott]

Vista, this is LendingTree.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Vistaprint.com. you type in Ace in the upper right hand corner and you get the deal. That's how you get the deal. You let them know you heard it here. 200 premium business cards. You put your picture on there. You know, you put a little picture of a clown on your card or. Oh, court gesture. Comic.

[Chris Elliott]

Chris Elliott.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

Funny man. Chris Elliot.

[Adam Carolla]

10 bucks, free shipping, vistaprint.com. god love them. I'm sorry, Chris, what were we talking about?

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, I hate being called a comic actually, too. I hate that, too. You hate everything I do. I don't. You know, I think it comes, well, partly from being raised by my dad, who was very cynical about show business. But also, luckily, my first job was working for Dave, who was even more cynical about it. He did not embrace show business, and the whole thing about late night was making fun of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what do you think about a guy like Letterman? He certainly is set for life financially. He's still great at what he does, but there's a part of me that thinks he'd rather be somewhere else half the night. And I know he doesn't want to fucking talk to Eunice Kardashian.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

The grandmother, when she comes out there and fucking has to.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

But, I mean, the other way to look at it is that might be, you know, the most fun he has that day is that one hour, too.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like he'd rather be home with his cars doing something.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, yeah, there's that, I'm sure.

[Adam Carolla]

So why continue? Like, why is it just the idea of once you stop being relevant, then in a weird way, you don't exist?

[Chris Elliott]

I don't think he thinks that way.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't?

[Chris Elliott]

No, I think he. It's like. I guess there's a certain amount of addiction involved in it, but I think. I don't think it's him thinking, you know, oh, I. Cause he doesn't do that. He doesn't dress hip. He doesn't, like, try to be, you know, younger than he is in any way.

[Adam Carolla]

No, just a point where you stop doing your show is your identity.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying, God forbid something happens by the way. The unthinkable happens by the way. Considering death is the unthinkable, I feel like I think about it a lot.

[Chris Elliott]

I think about it all the time. It's not unthinkable to me.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's very thinkable, and that's very drinkable. Have a shot. Let me tell you about.

[Chris Elliott]

Why am I the only one drinking here? Everybody's being very business, like, five in the afternoon. I actually have work I got to do later on.

[Adam Carolla]

Legal Zoom. Legal Zoom, baby. Oh, yes. LegalZoom.com Wills, powers of attorney. Living trusts and more. How about you're starting your own business. You need to form an LLC. 1 incorporate register trademarks, patents and more. Legal zoom can help you, baby. They are the best. They save you kajillions of dollars. Bundles of money. They got you [e-mail], dawson. Protect your family and business today.

[Chris Elliott]

Legalzoom. Com freaks me out when you do that. I feel like something's gonna happen, like I'm gonna get slimed.

[Adam Carolla]

No, just have a hit. Have a hit.

[Chris Elliott]

Tossing. Oh, shit, what's that?

[Adam Carolla]

LegalZoom is not allowed firm, but you can use it to find an attorney and get gave services in your specific direction.

[Chris Elliott]

And we got a Dawson.

[Adam Carolla]

For more savings, enter Adam in the referral box. LegalZoom.com There you go. All right, Chris Elliot. The guy under the sheets is the name of the book. The Unauthorized Biography.

[Chris Elliott]

Unauthorized Autobiography.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sorry. I always say that cheered me up. Autobiography. You can get it at Amazon. And you know what to do. Thanks for supporting the show. And you can use the Tell a Friend page on our site Spread the Word by Twitter and Facebook and all that kind of stuff. Chris, an honor.

[Dawson]

Bye.

[Adam Carolla]

O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man. O'reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with o'reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks since time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly.

[Dawson]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Dawson. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam hello and welcome to Pluto Phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto. Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch.

[Dawson]

Anchorman.

[Adam Carolla]

The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Chris Elliott]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Titanic. I'm the King of the world. And so much more for Showtime's press nothing. They're free 24.

[Chris Elliott]

7.

[Liz Winstead]

That is so fast on Pluto TV

[Adam Carolla]

stream now pay never.

[Chris Elliott]

All right, that's Adam Cole Show 931 with Chris Elliott, one of the funniest voices in the history of comedy. Very enjoyable episode. Coming next we have adam Cole Show 942, the Halloween episode for 2012.

[Adam Carolla]

Just Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop in studio. Check it out. Ready? You know what? Set it on fire and then wipe your ass actually, because it won't burn as well. Party pack. Check out an all new episode of Ace on the House this Saturday or visit aceonthehouse.com only from Corolla Digital. Scary, Scary tales from the cheap. Yeah, that the Nothing brings out the cheap like Halloween because not only do you get to make stuff for yourself or your kids or whatever and like I said, put in 22 hours hours saving yourself $9, but it falls under the heading of frivolous. Meaning when the transmission goes in your car and you're cheap, there's not that much you can do other than have your transmission fixed. Now you can try to fix it yourself, but if you don't work on transmissions, you're going to have a real hard time. Even the cheapest person would not crack a transmission case open and have a bunch of gears and splines and things fall. There's a cheap version where you go and you pull a transmission from pick apart and put it in your car. But you still have to have tools and you still have to be handy. There's just no two ways about it. So you're cheap, transmission goes, you find the cheapest place to fix it and you pay them to fix it. But Halloween costumes, not necessary. That does not get you to working back in the morning. It's just one of those, it could be super cool or who cares, make me some. And if you are cheap and you don't want to buy one, then you can make one. Meaning it'd be like the equivalent of someone going would you like to get your transmission fixed correctly or would you like to just make a paper mache one that would get you to work and back. In which case a cheap person would go give me the chicken wire, I'm making the paper mache way.

[Allison Rosen]

Whose mom made them? A prom dress from some kind of pattern.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh yeah, like promotion. Pretty in pink.

[Allison Rosen]

I knew I'd seen that somewhere.

[Adam Carolla]

She do it out of a curtain? No, mama's dead.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right. You know what bothered my mom about that? Movie. Pretty in Pink. I remember we saw it together.

[Adam Carolla]

The drunken abusive dad.

[Allison Rosen]

No, not that. That. Andy was supposed to be so poor, but she had her own car.

[Chris Elliott]

Mm.

[Allison Rosen]

Did that bump you?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't have a car when I was in high school. She's driving a Carmen Ghia.

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. So she could get to her job with Annie Pull Potts.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I love that, Fiona. I love that. Well, first off, Pretty in Pink, her dad, Harry Dean Stanton, who's like, haggard Dean Stanton, like every role he played, just haggard guy, unshaven. Every, every. Everything would be like, she's making him eggs while he's smoking and drinking rye out of a coffee mug. And she's like, dad, are you going to look for a job today? And he'd be like, I don't think so. It's pretty tough out of there. And it's like, yes. That's called no count, drunken deadbeat dad. Okay, dad, well, I love you. Here's your eggs. Like, why wasn't Harry Dean Stanton looking? I know mama passed away or mama left and they lived by the railroad tracks and everything, but why was he not looking for a job? And then like, she'd come home and he'd still be in his underpants and

[Allison Rosen]

wife beat her smoking, got tired of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Just like, okay, daddy, I'm gonna make you a sandwich. Yeah, but the best part of that whole thing, Andrew McCarthy. Well, that's true, but the best part is when they're having that conversation. Listen, sport, she's not one of us, you understand? We got money, we drive expensive automobiles. She's only driving a Carmen Ghia. Sure, Carmen Ghia is an Italian coach builder, but it's got a flat 4 air cooled mount in it. It's a Volkswagen, all right. Yeah, it's imported. Yeah, it's a two seater. Yeah, again, Carmen Ghia, It's Italian sport. It's a coach builder over there. And Carmen Ghia, they also build nice Italian bodied luxury cars and Ferraris and things like that. But you know what? She's not one of us.

[Allison Rosen]

Was that the director's cut?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I'm doing a little extra, a little extra talk. She's not. I'm trying to think what else Carmen Guillermo or Ghia Ghia built Italian super like crazy Italian bodywork coach builders. But here's the point. When I was in high school, there was not poor and rich. There was not haves and have nots. There was hot and not hot.

[Allison Rosen]

There was cool and not cool.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't even have that. I Mean, there was just chicks you wanted to see naked and those you didn't want to see, see naked. And it had nothing to do. I didn't have to see like any recent pay stubs from their dads. It was just, that chick's hot.

[Chris Elliott]

Plus, when you're in high school, the second list is very short of girls you don't want to see naked.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I will give you an example, Alison. Take this in the spirit in which it was intended.

[Allison Rosen]

I'm leaving the room.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no, no. There were. My high school had this kind of denomination. My high school had white trash, which are the best looking people. Had some Mexican and some white trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because later on the smoking and the drinking and the whatever takes over. But at this point there was a whole bunch of chicks named Lori who were hot.

[Allison Rosen]

L O R I with a heart on the eye.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Even above and below the eye, on occasion there are hot. And then there were the rich chicks. The rich chicks were the chicks who lived up in Hebrew Heights and they were the ones that kind of looked like their moms, or at least they kind of dressed like them. They seemed, even though they were like 16, they seemed like they were in their 40s. You know, those women.

[Allison Rosen]

Where's the part that's insulting people?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, they were of the Jewish persuasion and they had that sort of very conservative. Not quite. They didn't look like the super hot chicks in the Valley. But yet the Valley chicks were dumb as stumps and were soon to be pregnant and soon to be married to an alcoholic. But there were plenty of chicks that had money that were up in the hill.

[Allison Rosen]

They were young milfs, couple hotties.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but I mean, they were just kind of. I don't know how to describe it other than they looked like they were 40 when they were 16. None of my friends were hot on the tail of the chicks that lived up in the hill who looked like the. Their mom. It was quite the opposite. They were hot on the tail of the poor chicks who lived in the apartments down in the Valley because they weren't going to marry him and they weren't starting a small business. They're trying to get laid. And that was about it. So he just wanted the hottest chick who lived over here. But it wasn't like her dad is part of this law firm. He can make a few phone calls, I can network with him. There was like nothing of that. And as far as the kind of car they drove, everyone just like drove their parents car.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, the class warfare, that's a thing invented in movies and books because outsiders was the same way with socias and greasers. There just wasn't that in real life.

[Adam Carolla]

First off, nobody knew. And everyone was either rich or poor, but it didn't matter. Everyone was just in high school. It was like saying it was like being in prison and being rich or poor. It's like, who the fuck cares? You're just all in the same place. Like, I mean, I understood there are certain kids who went to Hawaii during the summer break and that kind of stuff, but in general, everyone went to the same high school. Let's have the best looking. Two examples of kids get together and try to fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

Is it because the money thing is a concern of the people who are writing it.

[Adam Carolla]

The people who write the books and write the screenplays and do all this kind of stuff. The Hollywood ones are not jocks because jocks can't stop, spell and they can't string together a sentence. They were the nerds. They made themselves feel like outsiders. They do that same thing where it's like, I was picked on every day. Like really, I was beaten up every day because, you know, whatever. And the reality is some of that went down, but that's more the way they felt than was actual reality. And then so they now surround themselves with more nervous nerds and more non jocks and more non hot chicks from Canoga Park. And then they put these stories together and they're in front of a pretty sympathetic group of ears who go, aha, aha. That's how it is. So jock is an asshole. Jock is a blond asshole. And the poor kids are spit upon because they're frowned upon and spit on because they don't look like we do and they don't. Whatever. And the reality is I only knew good looking and unattractive. I never knew who had money and didn't care.

[Allison Rosen]

You never went to the cafeteria and stuck your big finger into some nerd's mashed potatoes?

[Adam Carolla]

Wouldn't even go into the cafeteria. No. As I've said many times, jocks don't know who nerds are. Just like supermodels don't know who guys who beat off to their posters are. That's the whole point. It's not like they storm into the guy's apartment and go, go like, hey, Tim, knock it off. That's my poster. It's supposed to be titillating yet. Yes, but you disgust me, what you do. It's disgusting what you do. No, they don't know it's the ultimate slap in the face. They don't know who you are. Nobody knew Ray was a jock. He didn't know who the unknown people were. That's the whole point. You're unknown. That's the way it goes. It's like saying celebrities are mad at the. The people that take pictures of them at the airports. They're not mad at them. They want them to get out of the way. But they don't know who they are. They don't know their names. No, jocks don't know the nerds. They would pick on them if they thought there was something in it for them, but there's nothing in it for them. Jocks beat the shit out of jocks. That's the part no one really understands. You know what it becomes like? It becomes. It's like a bunch of rams. I don't mean the football team on

[Chris Elliott]

the side of a mountain.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. So there's the alpha male and there's the leader guy or silverback gorilla or whatever it is. And then there's a young upstart and they go at it. But they go at it. They don't have the undersized ones going at it with them. They don't engage. They just walk past them in the hole. And in movies they hit them with their shoulder and they like knock their books down. They're like, out of the way, nerd. But the reality is they're just walking, thinking about getting laid and throwing touchdown passes. They don't have any. They don't have any of that. It's worse than abusing nerds. They don't know who they are. The worst thing you can say. All right, so it's even worse than we thought. All right, now where were we? Oh, yeah. Pretty in pink. That's right.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, you were talking about how cheap people or how poor people get creative on Halloween.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. We got some. An intro here. 20 year old Tupperware, homemade clothes, powdered eggs. It's time for Tales from the Cheek. Oh, man. Someone's mom made a costume out of fabric from the back of an old sofa. Bad times, Jake.

[Dawson]

Ace, man.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on, Jake? Yeah. When I was 8 or 9, I wanted to be Frankenstein for Halloween. And I had my eye on nice plastic costume from Five and Dime. And my mom, she like, yep, yep,

[Dawson]

we're gonna be Frankenstein. Gonna be Frankenstein. And when the day came, she had made a nice jacket from me. A nice green, like fuzzy Frankenstein jacket.

[Adam Carolla]

It didn't hit me right away. And then like a week later, I went downstairs and I had realized that

[Dawson]

it was when the couch downstairs did

[Adam Carolla]

not have any fabric on the back of the couch. Tore it off. She had fabricated. She fashioned my Frankenstein jacket from the fabric from the back of the couch. She actually harvested like a donor couch. She harvested the material behind the couch so that the couch could still be used, but the back of it. What was up with Frankenstein, by the way? Like in his green felt outfit, like, did they have a pool table that they pulled the COVID off of? What's like a green felt outfit? Wasn't it.

[Chris Elliott]

You're talking about the real movie Frankenstein.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it green? He was green.

[Chris Elliott]

It was a black and white film, so it's only been red.

[Adam Carolla]

What was it later on in life? Black. And he was green?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, his suit's black.

[Chris Elliott]

But I think that was sort of schlocky, like Fred Gwynn type stuff. I mean, in the movie he was, you know, reanimated.

[Allison Rosen]

Dead tissue.

[Chris Elliott]

He's just kind of gray.

[Adam Carolla]

It was gray.

[Dawson]

Yeah,

[Adam Carolla]

part.

[Chris Elliott]

I think it's just cartoon stuff.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, cartoon. I think so. That's some of my greatest influences. Everything I've learned, I learned from the hair Bear bunch. All right, let's see. Dad was too cheap. Let's see mom costumes. Let's see. Ah, bags of rice. I gotta talk to Henry. Henry, hey. Calling from Montreal. Yeah, I am. Nice. What's going on? Yeah, so when I was younger, my mom was actually too cheap to like buy candy at the store or something. And she actually just got little Ziploc bags and filled them up with rice.

[Dawson]

And she's Asian, by the way, so

[Adam Carolla]

that was her way of treating those little trick or treaters. Cooked rice, I'm assuming. No, it was raw. It was completely raw. So she was like handing it out like it was currency.

[Dawson]

The.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, there is a weird thing. There is the guy. It's sort of a cop out, but I didn't mind it when I was a kid. It would just give you a nickel. He's like, fuck it, I didn't go to the store, but here's a nickel. There's that guy handing out the rice, though. Yeah. First off, you're cementing a very ugly stereotype, number one. Number two, what are the chances they're going to go either pass a wedding on the the way back to their house or go home and cook the rice. Now, what's your nationality, Henry? I'm Korean. By the way, did that embarrass you as a young Korean living in Montreal?

[Dawson]

No, I actually grew up in la. I just moved here recently.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? Yeah. What did you guys do over here, run a liquor store? No, my dad is actually U.S. customs. Your favorite, actually. Oh, the U.S. customs? Yeah. They're delights. Mr. Personality. What's up with Koreans? Why are they so mean?

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, he's perfect for that.

[Adam Carolla]

I have no idea. How is it, the climate? What's going on over there? They're tough.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're fucking tough. They're like the badgers of the Asian world.

[Chris Elliott]

Not jovial.

[Adam Carolla]

They don't have great sense of humor. And they're fucking tough.

[Chris Elliott]

They're good for customs agents.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's everything you want in a customs agent. It's not chatty. All business, all business.

[Chris Elliott]

Good with a gun.

[Adam Carolla]

He lets his frown do his talking. So was your dad a nice guy? Was he tough on you growing up? Yeah, you know, when he was younger, he was in the army for a

[Dawson]

while, so he kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Of a little military dad kind of person.

[Dawson]

Yeah, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

So what's going on with Korea now? Let's see, North Korea, what's going on over there? I mean, I've never even been to Korea.

[Dawson]

I was born and raised in la,

[Adam Carolla]

so I really can't tell you anything about that. And now you went from LA to Montreal? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I saw you during the summer with Howie Mandel at the. Just the Last Dream. That was fun. Yeah. I'm glad you came out. So why did your family go from LA to Montreal? My dad, he got transferred to the

[Dawson]

Montreal airport because he cussed and.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. It's got to be good, right, to get out of LAX and go to Montreal?

[Dawson]

Yeah, Yeah, I guess so.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot quieter here.

[Dawson]

I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. I didn't know when I was in Montreal, I didn't know that they weren't huge fans of Americans over there. I thought that was just some kind of weird stereotype or. Is that true? They're not huge. They're super progressive and they're not big fans. I don't think they're big fans of folks from the US over there. The French, I mean.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah, that's a good point. Hert's a really fun town.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's a great town. I think the French part is the part that's pissed off about. And as I've said, the French part, they are pissed off at us because we've shamed them. That's why they're pissed. I've said it once, said it a thousand times. They fucking and listen, all you assholes that are out there, like, what about the French Resistance? Great. Those were nine guys. I'm talking about heroes. Entire fucking country that rolled over talking about France. Not a handful of fucking battle tested Frenchmen and berets who were fucking running shit in tunnels. I'm talking about entire. I know why they hate English guys. Because English people. England shamed the shit out of them because they dug in while they were getting firebombed every night and every fucking plane took off from France. So France and France rolls over, gives the Germans a nice landing strip, and then they get to take off and land and bomb England. And everyone's pissed off at me. But that's what happens. They were shamed. That's why they don't like us.

[Chris Elliott]

I always look forward most in this segment to Michael Lynch's Tales from the Cheat because he always seems to one up the audience no matter what the subject.

[Adam Carolla]

You have a. Yeah, I got a couple Halloween. Couple Halloween.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, you know, digging into both my own memories and my sister who bore the brunt of the cheapness being the first. I've told this before, but one year went out as a Hershey Kiss and that was composed of a bike tire around her waist and a garbage bag, so it was draped from the neck down.

[Allison Rosen]

Creative.

[Chris Elliott]

I did go as mad scientist one year. My dad was a chemist, so we were able to get cheap, you know, paper lab coats. So I had the lab coat, tore it up a little bit, a little bit of red lipstick. Mad scientist.

[Adam Carolla]

Mad scientist, right.

[Allison Rosen]

Did anyone figure that out?

[Chris Elliott]

You know, I had the hairspray hair with a little flower in it. So I was, you know, it worked a little bit better. Sister and her friend went as Siamese twins one year, which was two T shirts, right?

[Adam Carolla]

The two always forgot about the sewed together T shirt one.

[Chris Elliott]

Now, of course, this would all be. We would go out with pillowcases, right?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, yeah. We always said, oh, yeah, over their

[Chris Elliott]

heads to hide their shame.

[Adam Carolla]

We always had the pillowcase too. It was never. There was no such thing as that plastic pumpkin thing with the handle on it.

[Chris Elliott]

Well, I enjoy it because I just bought Trixie her First Pumpkin Buck 25 and I was just like, man, a little too rich.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, yeah, but you have to adjust for inflation. When it was $0.31 back in the fucking day. I know. And not only this, but you also remember we didn't have backups of anything. When I went out with a pillowcase case, you would take the pillowcase off of your pillow if in fact, your pillow had a pillowcase on it. I don't really remember us splurging for a case for the pillow. But you take the pillowcase off, go out and trick or treat with it and then when you're done, empty it out and put it back. And it wasn't like, I'm going to the.

[Allison Rosen]

Did you just cut open the pillow and pour out the feathers?

[Adam Carolla]

I should have.

[Liz Winstead]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

It's not like I'm going to the linen closet and getting a pillow case to go trick or treating with. And I could remember going camping when I went camping, not with my parents, of course. As a kid or even as a teen, I would bring the blanket from my bed and then I would go camping. And then when I got home, my blanket had like pine needles in it and smelled like a smoked sausage because I was next to the fire. But it was like, wasn't. Go get your extra blanket or your pillow or God forbid, your mummy bag. Your sleeping bag. Yeah, now let's just go get. Go get the blanket.

[Chris Elliott]

And we were talking earlier about the hobo costume. That was a perennial, that was a staple. We definitely. A little bandana. You got yourself a bindle.

[Adam Carolla]

How about the. Yeah, so there was like the sewing together the two. How about the super distasteful sort of too soon, like the JonBenet Ramsey kind of, you know, the person. There's always that one fucking person that's like. You're like. I mean, like nine months after they find her body.

[Allison Rosen]

Like JonBenet or the. The annoying people you meet on Halloween. And one of them is the Too soon guy. The one who does it way too soon. Like, I'm sure there'll be an Aurora shooter costume.

[Adam Carolla]

And not only is it too soon, it's too soon about a chick who would be seven and a half today. Not, you know, you're not talking about the Lindbergh baby.

[Chris Elliott]

Didn't that have it on TMZ?

[Allison Rosen]

That's right. It was slutty JonBenet.

[Chris Elliott]

No, Casey Anthony or something.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, right.

[Chris Elliott]

Or Kaylee or someone.

[Adam Carolla]

It was, yeah, slutty Kaylee. Kaylee Anthony. Like, oh my fucking God. This was a 7 year old that was killed a year ago. Like, I mean, when the person wouldn't be 10 if they had not been snuffed out prematurely by.

[Allison Rosen]

This would be a statute.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Like I said, to be a

[Allison Rosen]

dead 10 or 11 year old.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, do it, do it definitely do with the Lindbergh baby. But you can't do it about somebody who would not be in the third grade by now.

[Chris Elliott]

I went as the Yabu Ghraib prisoners one year, a couple months after that happened.

[Allison Rosen]

Tasteful.

[Chris Elliott]

Yeah. I had the electrodes in my fingers and I had the whole sheet over my head.

[Adam Carolla]

Really.

[Chris Elliott]

That's not too. Yeah, that's right.

[Adam Carolla]

They're still alive.

[Chris Elliott]

That's not too soon, right? They're still alive.

[Adam Carolla]

Nah, they're doing fine.

[Allison Rosen]

I kind of hate Halloween anyway.

[Chris Elliott]

When you had Halloween.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't like dressing up. I don't like carbs. I mean, I like them, but, you know, and there's too much pressure. It's sort of quietly New Year's Eve because there's a lot of, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna be? And I don't wanna have to deal with that.

[Chris Elliott]

There's a sweet spot in your 20s where Halloween's awesome because it's parties, it's drinking, it's girl. Well, you're a girl. But for us, it's girls dressed up in slutty costumes and stuff. There's a sweet spot.

[Adam Carolla]

For sure, there is. And now for me, it's fun with the kids and taking them out and doing all that. So it is a sweet spot. Then it goes south for a while. Then if you have kids of your own, it comes back.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, I'm right in the lull.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Crystal's calling from Seoul, South Korea. What the hell? Just talking about that.

[Dawson]

Crystal, hi.

[Adam Carolla]

Hey. Are you calling from Seoul, Korea?

[Dawson]

Yeah, I totally am.

[Adam Carolla]

It's weird, right?

[Dawson]

It's 7:15 in the morning. Morning. And I wanted to call you guys freak out.

[Adam Carolla]

What's going on over there in Korea? Why is everyone so mean?

[Dawson]

I'm sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I'm saying?

[Dawson]

I couldn't hear you. You totally just.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, what's going on in North Korea?

[Dawson]

What's going on in North Korea? Probably starvation. I don't know. I don't know. They're really low key about stuff, I guess.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? And what year is it like that we can't just announce, hey, maybe this brand of government is not quite working out for the hungry people. Like, is it too soon to judge? Can we just fucking judge and just go, hey, knock it off?

[Dawson]

Yeah, no, you could have judged, like, a long time ago. I mean, I judged a long time ago.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so North Korea piece of shit.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

South Korea knife. Right?

[Dawson]

Yeah, totally nice.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally modern West Berlin.

[Chris Elliott]

Nice.

[Adam Carolla]

East Berlin piece of shit. Like, when do we get to. Does anyone else do that? A and B math whatsoever. All right?

[Allison Rosen]

Anyway, people living there probably do.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure they do. So what do you do over there in Seoul?

[Dawson]

Well, I'm just visiting the motherland. I just wanted to live here for a couple years, just to see what it was like. I don't know. I'm young enough to do it.

[Adam Carolla]

How is it?

[Dawson]

It's great. It's great. I'm. It's. It's a total cultural difference. There are people. People who literally. People spit in restaurants.

[Adam Carolla]

In restaurants on the floor.

[Dawson]

And people, like, blow their nose straight onto the floor. It's. But not. It's not like everything. Everybody does it me out when I first saw it here. Like, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up?

[Dawson]

I don't know. I don't know. Why do they. Why they do that? And they're super rude. And when you bump into people, you don't say, excuse me. You just kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, hold on a second.

[Allison Rosen]

Ugly Americans? Why?

[Adam Carolla]

I've said this a million times. Koreans are like the meanest people on the planet. And everyone's like, but I just mean they're. Okay, let's call it them tough or something. Ornery, rugged, gritty. I don't know.

[Allison Rosen]

Flemmy.

[Adam Carolla]

Flemmy. Hard, driven. Look, it's pretty simple. There's a million different breeds of dogs. Some are much.

[Allison Rosen]

They're pit bulls.

[Adam Carolla]

Easier going than others. And some are a little bit more aggressive than others. Some were delicious, and some are more delicious than others. I've always thought the Koreans were, like, tough and mean. And what is going on with the Korean Koreans?

[Dawson]

What do you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Other cult. Other Asian cultures don't blow their snot rockets on the restaurant, bump into you and not say anything. They bump into you and they bow and they yell, thousand pardons. Maybe a million.

[Dawson]

No, not over here. Dude, seriously. I don't know. Most people are nice. Most people are rude. They're nice to. They're nice to you if you're in their inner circle, but if you don't know them, they're rude as fuck.

[Allison Rosen]

Do women and men hock loogies onto the floor?

[Dawson]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Only the men. Only the older men. All the men hawk loogies on the floor. Women don't usually do that. And the older men, like, hawk their snot onto the floor.

[Adam Carolla]

How do they. You should work for the tourism board. You got to put together a postcard. How do they treat the ladies over there?

[Dawson]

Well, it's different than back in the day, I guess. Back in the day, when you're on a crowded subway, you Always got, like, your ass touched or something. But, I mean, I haven't gotten my ass touched yet on the subway. So, I mean, I guess things are getting better.

[Adam Carolla]

Are they. Are you. Is it a big problem with getting 73 yen? I don't know. What you guys got over there? Drachma. What do you guys spend over there?

[Dawson]

One.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's going to be hard to work into a sentence because it sounds like one, but are you getting 73 cents to the dollar kind of thing?

[Dawson]

I don't think it's 73. I'm not sure. But, I mean, most of my money is in American dollars, so I just benefit off of it.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it sort of. Is it a misogynistic culture?

[Dawson]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. All right. So listen, here's the thing. I don't do any research, you know, I don't ask questions. No, I just announce that certain cultures are fucked up, and everyone goes. I don't know anything about the Korean culture. I just know that when the Schwartzes riot, they're on the roof with the hunting rifles. That's what I know. And everyone else is heading for the hills, and they're heading for the roof with the.30 06. So that's what I know. And that's. And then I talk to people. They're tough, and they're like the grittiest, possibly meanest Asian culture there is, but I don't know why. That part I can't figure out. And people do. There's a lot of war, and it's cold, but I feel like it's cold, and there's a lot of war in a lot of places. And then I'll shoot snot rockets.

[Allison Rosen]

What I want to know is, is Crystal accepted over there or is she seen as American?

[Adam Carolla]

How they like you over there, Crystal.

[Dawson]

People think I'm Japanese here because I don't look conventionally Korean. So they just kind of mumble their limited English to me, and I reply back in Korean. They're weirded out. And so I'm pretty much treated as a foreigner here.

[Adam Carolla]

And how's that? Is that all right, or is that bad?

[Dawson]

No, it's totally great because when someone comes up to me and wants to solicit something to me, I can just tell them I don't speak Korean, and. And I can get away with it. I love it. I don't know. I. I find it very advantageous.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, how do the. What do the Koreans think of the Japanese

[Dawson]

they have? I can't speak for the entire Korean people, obviously.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure, you can go ahead.

[Dawson]

Generally, of course, they. They hate the Japanese, but they also love the Japanese. In my opinion, it's a love and hate relationship.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. They want what they have, but they don't like them.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe a little bad blood still from World War II, probably. All right, so your mom is. How cheap.

[Dawson]

My mom. All right, get this. My mom. Let me just give you a slight background on her. When I needed glue in school, she told me to use grains of rice on the paper.

[Adam Carolla]

It was becoming a theme that, like, the starch from the rice would create.

[Dawson]

Yeah, so you would just spread the rice.

[Adam Carolla]

Use your grandfather's snot rocket. What? You need something? I got something. I'll hold that shit to the fridge.

[Chris Elliott]

You're in luck.

[Dawson]

But, yeah, she would tell me to use grains of bright to, like, stick pieces of, like, my art projects or whatever to together. So in the fourth grade, day before Halloween, you know how elementary schools, they have that, like, Halloween parade where you parade around the school or whatever? Like, mom, tomorrow's Halloween. Like, what am I supposed to do? She's a busy single mother and she gave me a camera. And guess what I was supposed to be an Asian tourist.

[Adam Carolla]

Nice, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah. And also, yeah, I mean, the perpetuating the stereotypes stereotype. And that's not that long ago, right? I mean, how old were you? You're 24 now. How old were you at the time?

[Dawson]

What is fourth grade, like, nine years old?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So we're really. We're only talking about, like, 15 years ago. And 15 years ago is, like, 1997. That's a stereotype for 97. All right. And what about your. Your dad? He. Correct.

[Dawson]

He's actually Chinese. Like I said, I was raised with a single mother. I was pretty much raised by my grandparents, and they were Korean, so I'm pretty much Korean.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. When are you coming back to the States?

[Dawson]

Well, my visa expires in about two years. I actually just moved here end of August.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll meet you at the airport. I'll pick you up.

[Dawson]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Thanks, Crystal.

[Dawson]

Thanks for having me on the show.

[Adam Carolla]

Have fun over there, sweetie. Petey. I know. Are you working over there? Hey, everybody. Hey, Pops. Easy with the snot rocket. Gotta mop that up.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Quit your grin and drop your linen. We got Crystal. That's her real name. Come to stage four, Kim Chi. Stage five. Kimchi. Sorry. Yeah. Where are you working?

[Dawson]

I'm actually just exploring the country now. I wanted to. I was working at a really, like, stressful place back in California. So I wanted to just take some time off and just do whatever I wanted. And then. So now I'm just trying to find something to do here. Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Enjoy.

[Dawson]

Thank you.

[Adam Carolla]

Sorry about the snot rockets. Yeah, it's not a good cultural thing. That old guys with the snot rockets

[Allison Rosen]

would last for half a day. I would die. It's my least favorite thing ever is seeing people's loogies.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, me, too. Yeah, me, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Glistening on the street or near a

[Liz Winstead]

salad bar in a restaurant.

[Allison Rosen]

The horse is when they're bubbly. Like, fresh and bubbly.

[Adam Carolla]

The worst first is when you step on them and you hydroplane just a little bit. Like, you do that.

[Allison Rosen]

Just, like, steer into it.

[Chris Elliott]

You gotta pull those shoes out.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Where Dawson used to have his whole loogie pond over here by the side of the thing, where it's like, I'm just gonna go here and smoke and hawk loogies. And then you can walk through them on your way to car. It's a fucking shrub five feet in front of him. I don't know why.

[Chris Elliott]

Return to the green luggage.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. You wouldn't just hawk it into the shrub that's directly in front of you? No, just hawk it onto the ground.

[Allison Rosen]

And there's such a spectrum of colors. They can be from fluorescent yellow to just clear, which clear and bubbly is actually better because it's not infected.

[Adam Carolla]

But, I mean, to be fair to Dawson, some people do enjoy other people's loogies. Oh, no, wait a minute. It disgusts everybody on the fucking planet. Glad to have him back, though, dude. All right.

[Chris Elliott]

All right.

[Adam Carolla]

That was Adam Carla Show 942.

[Chris Elliott]

Coming up next, we have Adam Carla Show 1063, featuring Liz Winston, David Wilde, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch.

[Dawson]

Anchorman.

[Adam Carolla]

The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy. Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Chris Elliott]

Shut up.

[Adam Carolla]

Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more. For Showtime's press, Nothing. They're free 24.

[Chris Elliott]

7. That is so fast.

[Adam Carolla]

On Pluto TV. Stream now.

[Dawson]

Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

The Adam Carolla show. Subscribe to YouTube.com to watch the show live each week. And YouTube.com AdamCarolla for the archive of past shows. Now back to the show. Liz Winstead is here. Liz. Free or Die is the name of the book. It's available on Amazon as We speak. And you know what to do. Go to AdamCroll.com and click on the Amazon banner. Liz is super nice, super funny, and super talented. And I forgot we're on the pilot for the man show when it was on abc.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me do a quick little bit of business with Legal Zoom. And then I want to know all your recollections from that pilot, because I have almost none other than something about Steve Garvey. So, Liz, your recollections of so many years ago. A young Jimmy Kimmel, a young Adam Carolla.

[Liz Winstead]

And a young Daniel Kelison.

[Adam Carolla]

And a young Daniel Kellison. A slightly younger Liz Winstead. Although you look the same. How did you get on the project? I don't really remember. It was all just one big flash to me.

[Liz Winstead]

Here's what's kind of hilarious was I had just finished doing the 25th anniversary of Ms. Magazine, literally on a Friday, and flew to do Start down the man show that Monday. And so I was like, wow, aren't I diverse in my crazy belief system of sister race. Right? And Daniel called me and said, you know, we're doing this crazy thing, and it's gonna be really fun.

[Adam Carolla]

And I knew Jimmy from Win Ben Stein's money.

[Liz Winstead]

Yes. And I knew just you from kind of the radio. And so I didn't really know anything except that Daniel said, come and do this. So I came. And I felt like I was. I felt like I was in some dream that a bunch of guys came up with, like, what would happen if we never had to grow up and we could do a TV show about that? And I was. And I was like, I think that's the TV show we're producing here. So it's basically every fantasy a guy could have and still get. Get paid. And so that's the show that I remembered. And at one point, though, it was so much fun going on that people would, like, shoot a piece and then dump the entire thing. They shot into an avid, like, not even screen. It just shoved the whole thing in. Four hours of whatever they shot. And then I was trying to edit something. And I remember at one point. Do you remember Tara Eli?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Liz Winstead]

Tara was married to Josh Gardner.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I know Tara.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, Tara.

[Adam Carolla]

That's weird. I don't know her by her last name. I only know her as Tar. Tara. Josh's wife.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah. So Tara and I, you people, if

[Adam Carolla]

you put their last name on. Gets more confusing. But that's her maiden name.

[Liz Winstead]

So Tara and I had three pieces together that we had to do and so we literally slept in our car because in order to get the pilot delivered, we could never go home. So we slept in the car and then edited. Slept in the Ed room. Slept in the car for three days.

[Adam Carolla]

Wow. That's why you guys smelled.

[Liz Winstead]

That's why I smelled that much.

[Adam Carolla]

I remember those lesbians are really funkifying this place.

[Liz Winstead]

And then we were trying to get a approval on one of the pieces.

[Adam Carolla]

Harsbians. I called you back then, but not to your face.

[Liz Winstead]

You know what? Always, always with the. Yeah, and I never forgot that. But you guys were on some scotch egg thing, drinking scotch egg contest, bar thing. And we couldn't get approval on getting the piece done.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. What we couldn't get approval on, I believe, is we went to a bar in Westwood and we had had like this dare of can you eat a cube of butter? And nobody could eat a cube of butter without yakking. Now people yak left and right. Like you turn on Survivor and somebody eats some maggot encrusted bagel and they're yakking all over the place and they just show the person yakking. Back then, you couldn't show a person. People kind of forget. Like, you couldn't say God damn it on the radio when I say started. You couldn't say tits right on the radio when I started. Or titties. You couldn't even say, like, titty bar.

[Liz Winstead]

You should stop saying titty.

[Allison Rosen]

Just.

[Adam Carolla]

Anyway, yeah, I like it.

[Allison Rosen]

Really.

[Adam Carolla]

It makes me feel youthful.

[Liz Winstead]

I hate titty. It's just one of those things, like moist. Oh, no, it's a cringer. It's a cringer crust.

[Allison Rosen]

Moist titties.

[Adam Carolla]

No cuter than, like, jugs or hooters or something. But anyway, let's get mired in posts.

[Allison Rosen]

What are they big and saggy, though? Would those be titties?

[Adam Carolla]

No, that's a. That's. That's why you say titties. It sounds youthful.

[Liz Winstead]

It sounds cowish and milkish to me.

[Adam Carolla]

Titties is youthful. Okay, that's me.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm always right. But that's me.

[Liz Winstead]

All right, you just have that, then you can own that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm own those titties for you.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, you can have that.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll take three.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Extra one for the rest. So I remember really not knowing what the rules were, but they didn't want to show this kid in this bar in Westwood yakking. And there's a lot of arguments about Kant and can you show the yakking and, like, tile out The Yak, you know, but it's still the yak. And it was a weird and different time because this didn't exist. Now there's all this, you know, Spike network and lager guys and people drinking donkey Steven. Oh, but there's a lot. There's. Shows are like, this is a dude show and a dudes network and all that kind of stuff. Back then it was, oh, you can't just go do a show for guys. You got to get the woman's perspective in there. And we're like, no, we just want to do the guy. You know, the man show. And they're like, that's not going to work. Now there's nothing but Spike TV and marathons of Ultimate Fighters, all just dudes. People realize, yeah, we'll take half the planet watching the show. That'll be fine with us.

[Liz Winstead]

But I think the man show, I mean, for me, anyway, the Jimmy Adam man show was kind of doofy. Guys who just living out some kind of of, like, it's kind of embarrassing. You want to watch girls jumping on a trampoline. But I get it. Like, it wasn't. It was funny to me because it was so stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it never. You know, as I try to explain to everyone, Jimmy and I never won anything when we did the man show. If we went to wrestling camp, we'd get our asses kicked. If we'd go try out for the Dodgers, it was nothing but Tommy Lasorda yelling at us what a pieces of shit we were and how we were embarrassing the Dodger Blue. The good name of the Dodger Blue. We shouldn't even be able to wear these uniforms. Like, it was never. We always knew it's never funny. It's not going to be funny, us going to Dodger camp and doing good,

[Liz Winstead]

but nobody roots for the big guy. Like, that's lame.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you don't want to root for you to go get your ass kicked. And so we always knew it was going to be about getting our ass kicked. So we decided that every. Just about every bit we did, we would be the butt of the joke. But people didn't watch carefully and they just thought, oh, you're up there making fun of women and drinking beer. We. We'd always lose to the woman. That was. That was a joke. We realized that.

[Liz Winstead]

I mean, the tone was very, I thought, like, goofy, like, oh, somebody needs to have sex with these guys. Yeah, well, like, it was kind of like, oh, couldn't. Like, we were talking, you know, that'd

[Adam Carolla]

be everyone who saw It. But everyone who didn't see it and then would review it.

[Liz Winstead]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Would do it. Would give it a negative review. But let's talk about my book for a second. Let's talk about your book, because now

[Liz Winstead]

I feel bad, actually, I talk about you in my book briefly. That it was one of the funnest things, and something you probably don't remember is we all went to Vegas.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Liz Winstead]

At some point. And you paid for me to stay at some fancy hotel and have all these spa treatments after we shot the pilot, you and Jimmy and Daniel. Did you know that you did that?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Well, listen, there's. There's none of the philanthropic ideas are initiated by me, I assume. I get a lot of. We're all going in on.

[Liz Winstead]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So. And so got the car stolen, and we're all going in on a rental thing. And then I go, what are you guys in for? And they're like 1200 bucks. And I go, all right, 12. That I don't remember because it's not my I.D. i just put in.

[Liz Winstead]

Well, you know that they only were putting in 200. And you actually put in the 1200. Like, you actually were footing most of it most of the time. Because you just went along.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really? That's him fucking with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Liz Winstead]

I'm sorry, did I just. Did I just give away?

[Adam Carolla]

So we went to Vegas.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, so we went to Vegas, and you guys stayed at the Hard Rock, but I stayed at the Desert Inn. I think that was Daniel, because Daniel kind of knows all that stuff. You know, he's good about, like, knowing where. What women would like to do. And he's like, you know, why don't you go to the Desert Inn?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Liz Winstead]

And I was like, well, that's a very good idea. What a good idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Daniel Desert Hard Rocks, cross street from paradise, which is a strip club. So I think he based it on Paradise. He based it on that. And. Yeah. Did a few Jaeger shots there with Daniel back in the day. And so I'm somewhere in the book. Or is it the Vegas.

[Liz Winstead]

Just a little thing about you guys. Like, you know, when I talk about going to the man show and people are like, oh, my God, what are you doing? And I was like, actually, it was a really fun experience. I kind of felt like I was a bit of the barometer. Like, I was a bit of the. Like, if Liz isn't calling one of the organizations she belongs to in her feminism to make a formal complaint that we can get away with this, how'd

[Adam Carolla]

the Daily show get started.

[Liz Winstead]

That was kind of a weird, you know, thing of me kind of spouting, doing my stand up and doing. It was political and it kind of had become more and more so. And especially it had become more and more so as I started watching the media. Like I started doing one woman shows kind of based on. Look at CNN and this is bullshit. Is anybody else paying attention? And you know, you could tell like it got to the point where you could watch CNN with a sound down and if you saw all sudden black and white footage and then all of a sudden there's a park and there's just a swing.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, no one on it.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah. A child abduction.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Ball across the street bouncing by itself. Dead, dead.

[Liz Winstead]

That kid.

[Adam Carolla]

Swing, abduction, ball. Alone and merry go round with nobody on it. That means the whole city's going down. All the kids, all the kids have gone.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, right. Yeah. So, or, or it could mean there's some kind of like, you know, poison laced playground gear. And so as I. There was just so much of that shit all the time. So I just kind of started talking about it in my act and, and, and then I was working on the John Stewart Show. The syndicated show.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, the one he shot out here?

[Liz Winstead]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he came out here.

[Liz Winstead]

He came out here to do it, but it was shot in New York

[Adam Carolla]

because we went, me and Jimmy went and hung out with him when he did it out here. But maybe came out here for a week.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, there was a week out here. No, they did it for a week out here for fun. You know how they do that, right? For a week out here, you know, for fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I know like anyone at home ever gives a. And they go, we're going to Chicago for the week. Get out the celery salt, put it on the hot dog. And I was like, yeah, okay.

[Liz Winstead]

Now people from Chicago that you don't see in an audience will be watching.

[Allison Rosen]

Especially when like real like Wheel of Fortune goes to Florida. It's really, who gives a fuck?

[Adam Carolla]

Those, I think most, those are just deals where Disney Resorts International pays them a shitload of money to go down there. And they decide like, hey, we've decided to travel the show to Orlando, but it's really just an endorsement deal anyway.

[Liz Winstead]

And then people go, you never know what, maybe on our trip to Disneyland, the Wheel of Fortune will be when we're there. You know, it's like this big ploy that never happens.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're working on Jon Stewart show

[Liz Winstead]

that gets canceled, right? And then the two executives that were on that show became the heads of Comedy Central. And they said, hey, who were back at the time?

[Adam Carolla]

Doug Herzog and Eileen Bill there.

[Liz Winstead]

Yep.

[Adam Carolla]

Not maybe.

[Liz Winstead]

No, Eileen's not Doug still. I think he's, like, bigger than ever now at the.

[Adam Carolla]

I guarantee he's in the Comedy Place, one of those towers in Century City, watching the Yankees on his computer as we speak.

[Liz Winstead]

I believe that's true.

[Adam Carolla]

And not paying attention to whoever's speaking in the room.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, I think that might be right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Liz Winstead]

So then they were like, do you want to do this show that's on every day? And I'm like, oh, my God. Okay. I said, but, you know, one thing that would be different than all the other times you've done Weekend Update or SNL or anything the shows is if the show itself is a character. How about if we tried doing it where we don't let anybody in on the joke? We don't wink. We just do it. We have a douchebag sitting in the chair that you don't know if it's Ted Baxter or you don't know if the guy's, you know.

[Chris Elliott]

Right.

[Liz Winstead]

And then you surround him with these people. And we do it in a way that the funny comes from understanding the bullshit that is the real news.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Liz Winstead]

And they go, okay. And I'll be. Was like, really?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, let me do it.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah. And then we didn't have to pile it or anything. We got to do it for a year and just get better.

[Adam Carolla]

So it was an open douchebag call. And Craig Ferguson. Rose Kilbourne. Sorry. Rose. The cream. The douche rose to the top of the douche nozzle.

[Liz Winstead]

Actually, not. Actually. He was. The network loved him. Like, he came from espn. Doug loved him. He was kind of the guy that was, like, perfect because he looked like a local news guy because it was so weird back then. You know, we were. There was one cable news network, and it was cnn, and that was it. And then during the day, it was just flooded with Maury and Jerry and all that other shit. And the night was just scary. Dateline. And so it was just one big terror festival. The news wasn't even the news. There was no news.

[Adam Carolla]

How douchey was Kilborn?

[Liz Winstead]

Who?

[Adam Carolla]

Pretty douchey Gilbert. Mega douchey.

[Liz Winstead]

He was very. You know what he was. He was very private. He was very private.

[Adam Carolla]

Played his douche close to the vest.

[Liz Winstead]

He played close to the vest. Played very close to the vest. You know, he'd come in and say, I've just discovered a scotch I like. And Then he'd walk out of the room and he'd be like, what does that mean?

[Allison Rosen]

He's like a cryptic douche, right?

[Liz Winstead]

And then not even like, can you. Like, I love Scotch. So if you're gonna say, I just discovered scotch, I like. Like, I'd like to know more about that. And there was no, like, would you like to have some of it? It was just kind of a thing.

[Adam Carolla]

I did a douchey exchange with him once where I was doing his show out here, which I'd probably done 25 times, and I said, craig, I know you like playing hoops. We got a hoops game going on at my house. You know, most Saturdays you want to come by and hang out. You know, no big celebrities or anything. Just some nice guys, some riders from the Mansion, and it's a fun game. And he said, I play hoops with Billy Crystal and Dustin Hoffman. And I said, yeah, well, okay, but you could come by on a Saturday and, you know, shoot some hoops with us if you're in the mood. He's like, yeah, okay. And he just, like, walked away. Like, he didn't even. Do, you know that move? You go where you go, fuck, I have to engage. Or you go, oh, where do you live?

[Liz Winstead]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Sherman. Out. And you're thinking to yourself, there's no way I'm ever going there because I played hoops with Dustin Hoffman.

[Dawson]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even the. The part that bothers me in life is when they don't give you the courtesy of the bullshit. It's la. Yeah. They go, like, what time? What time you guys usually go? About noon. Okay, well, if I'm down and yeah, that sounds awesome. By. And then you leave. And you have no intention of. You never think about the exchange again. But you realize in that moment you must. Instead of explaining that you play ball with Billy Crystal, you need to take. Feign some interest. Like I used to say this we had. Famously, the thing that always pissed me off is when someone would cancel on Loveline when we're doing, like, the radio show or the TV show, and they didn't call in and go, I'm sick. I can't make it. They'd go, I have an event, 10k, and I'm getting up early, and I'm training every day, so I can't make it. And it's like, that's not really an excuse. Like, that's you just saying, I don't feel like coming in. I have to do something the next day, like, show. Give me the courtesy, you know, like,

[Allison Rosen]

if you ask someone, it's so easy to lie. Why not just do it?

[Adam Carolla]

If somebody breaks a date with you, don't have them go, you know, I'm not feeling it. And so I feel a little scratch, a little tickle my throat. But it's not a cold. But it's a little tickle. But it could turn into something. Just go. A fucking compound fracture of the femur, man. I'm out for a couple of months, so. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Liz Winstead]

But also, like, if you're gonna play hoops, like, and you're playing with. I think Dustin Hoffman's maybe five' five.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. These are a lot of short guys, right?

[Liz Winstead]

So it's kind of like. It's not like I'm gonna go to. I'm in my book group with, you know, Dustin Hoffman. Because that'd be kind of impressive, getting in a book group with Dustin Hoffman and Billy Crystal. So he probably. But, like, it's not even Marathon Man Dustin Hoffman, you know, it's like, Dawson Hoffman. You know, it's like. So then I just. It's kind of like. So you're just the tall guy.

[Adam Carolla]

He just wanted to drop a couple of names and have me go away. Like, he was Whole thing was, why should I play hoops with you when I got a game going with Don Adams?

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Or, I don't know, other big name celebrities. But the point is, Don Adams. Get smart. I'm playing. I know you don't. I'm telling. It's for the young listeners. My point is, he just told me some celebrities he played basketball with. He didn't address my invitation.

[Liz Winstead]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Allison Rosen]

He's always kind of secretly envious and impressive.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm wildly envious of them who can

[Allison Rosen]

turn down an invitation on the spot without really giving an excuse.

[Adam Carolla]

To be fair to him, he didn't say, I'm not coming over. He just never asked any pertinent questions, like, where do you live?

[Liz Winstead]

Tourette's, almost.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Liz Winstead]

Where it's like, hey, do you want to have dinner? I know Dustin Hoffman, but the thing

[Adam Carolla]

too, is, like, I wasn't the guy who put the mop aside and pushed a pail with the wheels over to the corner and said, Mr. Kilbourne, I too, play hoops. I was the celebrity guy who'd been on a show 25 times. So in that context, probably could have went, this guy's done me a few solids by filling in.

[Allison Rosen]

Here's a taller celebrity. Maybe I want to play with him. He could have thought that or how

[Liz Winstead]

about an another game?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so douche is what we're going with.

[Liz Winstead]

You know, you go with whatever you'd like. You can go with whatever you'd like.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you what you do. I'll tell you what you do. Here's what you do, okay? And I'll show you exactly how to do it, okay? All right? You repeat the person's name two times, and I'll explain how that goes.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay?

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Ready? Here we go. Oh, Allison. Allison's awesome, man. Johnny on the spot. Great with it. News. Salt of the earth, Brian. No more dedicated guy on the planet. All the guy does is work. And all he does is great work. Dawson. Dawson's Dawson. You see, you just say. You say it twice. You see it in celebrity interviews. You know, he's going to be Dawson. You know, they'll go a little further. And that's what I mean. So all I have to do is go, how about Craig Kilbourne? And you go, craig Kilbourne?

[Liz Winstead]

He's so.

[Adam Carolla]

Craig's Craig.

[Liz Winstead]

Craig is Craig.

[Chris Elliott]

You know exactly who you're getting every time.

[Liz Winstead]

Craig's the Craig.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Two times. You see it in celebrity interviews where they did a movie and they fucking hate the guts of the person they had to work with.

[Liz Winstead]

So interesting.

[Adam Carolla]

And they just say the name two times. They'll talk about the director, and they'll go, he's a tremendous, gifted visionary. He's a visionary and the nicest and best father I've ever met. And then at a certain point, they get to Halle Berry, and they'll be like, you know, hallie's Halle. And she's gonna be, how? And it's like, replace that name with

[Allison Rosen]

Khan suggests so much. And yet on paper, they really. They just went in a circle, they

[Adam Carolla]

said nothing, saying, look, here's the deal. Here's the options. You can praise or you can say nothing. But you can't really ever say nothing. Cause I just ask you what it was like to work with Halle Berry, right? But you sure as fuck can't praise her because you hate her guts. And what you can't do is say, she's a cunt. I never want to work with her again. So you just go, hallie, she's. She's Halle. She's. And she's gonna be Halle.

[Liz Winstead]

But, you know, there's the C word again. We were talking earlier. I get bored with that word, because I think it. It's not. It's. It's a lazy man's high Octane bitch. Like, I. Because I don't know. Because I don't know. What if you get, like. You know that people have a reaction when you say it, right? So there's like the whole, okay, you say cunt, and so then it's like, then. Then people go, why did you say that? What does it mean? Should we ever say that? And I'm like, you could say it, but it doesn't. If I think someone is so awful. Right. That I have that I will call them a cunt. I want to be so descriptive and have other people be on board with how much I don't like them. Right? So if you just say that, just kind of a blanket thing of like, what does that mean? Is that weird?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I know what you're saying.

[Liz Winstead]

You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But I didn't want to do 20 minutes on Halle Berry.

[Liz Winstead]

Right, I understand.

[Adam Carolla]

You make my point.

[Liz Winstead]

I understand.

[Dawson]

I also find.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like we've been. Let me tell you, the white man's burden here.

[Liz Winstead]

Oh, my God. Please, please burden me with the heart.

[Adam Carolla]

The last several years, we've had the N word taken away from us. People are working on retard now. I mean, we're having a.

[Allison Rosen]

The R word.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the R word. There's a lot of. It's slim pickings out there. And I feel like we're doubling down on cunt now because we, like.

[Allison Rosen]

They can pry the cunt from your cold, dead hands.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Liz Winstead]

Why don't you. But maybe this is an opportunity to be more creative with your language. Mm.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Super duper cunt. Halle Berry.

[Liz Winstead]

Not creative. I still don't know what you're saying. Not creative. No, not creative.

[Adam Carolla]

Colossal cunt.

[Liz Winstead]

Still don't know.

[Adam Carolla]

But you gotta appreciate. Appreciate the alliteration with the colossal cunt.

[Liz Winstead]

Not really.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's not like there's not a

[Liz Winstead]

whole lot of C words.

[Allison Rosen]

You're not gonna give it up for colossal cunt?

[Liz Winstead]

Not really.

[Allison Rosen]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. Well, I think we just agree to disagree and that's I'm right and move on. Yeah. You gotta do better than cunt, Liz.

[Liz Winstead]

You have to do better than that.

[Adam Carolla]

I did better in my own mind and my heart.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay, then you know what? Here's what I say about that.

[Adam Carolla]

I know in my own heart and everyone else's.

[Liz Winstead]

Stay with it then. You know what? Then that's all that matters. That you can. You love it.

[Adam Carolla]

I would have fired your ass off of that man show pilot so fast. You showed one ounce.

[Liz Winstead]

Because I was A little lady who wasn't funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, now we're getting to it. Now we're getting.

[Allison Rosen]

You know what?

[Liz Winstead]

No, I gotta be honest. When I read that, I was so like, what's he talking about? What were you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't say women weren't funny.

[Liz Winstead]

They said men were funnier.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I. Because I was asked, who's funnier? I didn't give an answer.

[Liz Winstead]

That's like saying, what's better? Sex or sex with. With someone having sex. I mean, it's like, dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Who's better? Hold on now.

[Allison Rosen]

Would that be like double Dutch and you just jump in there?

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No. I got asked a question, and I can't stand when people do interviews and people don't answer the question. So I know that's true. So they said, who's funnier, men or women? I said, men are funnier. Because that was my only. I had a choice. I had to make a choice.

[Liz Winstead]

You didn't have to make a choice. You could say, that's a ridiculous question. Some men are funny. Some men are funnier than women. Some women are funnier than men. Well, you.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but most. On whole, men are funnier. That's what I'm saying.

[Liz Winstead]

That is simply not true. That is a crazy statement because where are you pulling these men and women from?

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. Of all of the people in the

[Liz Winstead]

world that lined up and are funny, no one ever could do that.

[Adam Carolla]

No men. No. It's biological. That is simply not testosterone. We have to make. No, listen, let me tell you something. I was talking about this yesterday.

[Liz Winstead]

Jesus, this is ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I have these conversations with people all the time, and not about this, but they. No, no, no, no, I understand. I was talking to Dr. Drew or Dr. Spaz. I think it was about black women not learning to swim because they don't want to fuck their hair up. And he was like, oh, get out of here. Oh, please, please, please. That's right. And I said, no, no, this is a fact. They don't spend enough time in the pool because they don't want to fuck their hair up. And thus they're not learning to swim, and they're not passing it down to their kids. It's a problem. He's like, oh, get out of here. Get. I'm not saying this to be offensive. It just happens to be one of those.

[Liz Winstead]

I'm sure some black women probably do that, but that's like a sweeping generalization.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, there's some people that have AIDS and some people that don't. Have aids, and there's some people that get testicular cancer and some people that don't. But if you want to address it as a problem, then you talk about

[Liz Winstead]

the people who have that thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Dawson]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so we'll get to back. Men have to make women laugh to attract women. My son told me yesterday, he's six, that he made. He told me about a girl that he had a crush on in his class and just. I spoke about this yesterday, just off the cuff, said, oh, by the way, I made her laugh, daddy. Which meant I felt good. Like, I felt like she was attracted to me. So there's some biological evidence that's suggests that men biologically are born this way and work at it harder because it attracts women. Like, ultimately, we got to get together and fuck. So if there's something, whether it's wearing shoes that make you appear 2 inches taller or waxing your ass, guys will do what it takes to get laid. And if biologically and historically making women laugh gets you into their panties faster, then we're going to spend more time working on that than women do.

[Liz Winstead]

But biologically, a. All men aren't attracted to women. So men.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, let's just go with the lion's share. No, because I can't go with answer.

[Liz Winstead]

That's not right.

[Adam Carolla]

Liz, your argument is the lion's share of men aren't attracted to women.

[Liz Winstead]

No. The lion share. No. You're saying that men need to make women laugh to get them in bed. But I'm just saying if it's about attraction and, and that somehow leading to men being funnier than women, I don't quite get it.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't make it up.

[Liz Winstead]

But conversely, a lot of women who do comedy or write comedy or are in comedy also look at it as like a driving, vital organ, as a way to be heard in a different way. It's not about getting laid, but it's about being heard and being heard in a way that is. Society likes somebody who's funny. It's a groundbreaker. It's an icebreaker.

[Adam Carolla]

It gets you sit at the table. It's unwinnable argument.

[Liz Winstead]

It certainly is. Because it's a ridiculous thing to say that there is some kind of testosterone driven.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not making it up.

[Liz Winstead]

Where are you citing your source then? What are you talking about?

[Adam Carolla]

There's articles on it.

[Dawson]

Where?

[Liz Winstead]

Ridiculous question.

[Dawson]

Where.

[Adam Carolla]

Let me, let me reach down into my. Yes, if you're gonna my boxer briefs and pull. Pull out these articles.

[Liz Winstead]

No, Seriously, if you're gonna cite the

[Adam Carolla]

article that's, like, intuitive. It's intuitive if getting.

[Liz Winstead]

I would like to know where the articles are.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, well, somebody can go search the Internet.

[Liz Winstead]

Somebody search the Internet. Because that's like the global warming. People saying, there's no global warming. I mean, come on. It's not a genetic thing. You're funny. I'm funny.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. But getting. First off, we're all here to mate. That's genetically what we're here for.

[Liz Winstead]

That is. First of all, that is not. See, I don't go by that premise to begin with because I'm not here to mate.

[Adam Carolla]

I want no mating at all, Okay?

[Liz Winstead]

I want zero.

[Adam Carolla]

Understand? When I say we're all here, I'm not talking about every human being that's ever born. Don't say we are all, okay?

[Liz Winstead]

Because that indicates everyone.

[Adam Carolla]

Liz, this is gonna be a hard argument because there's always gonna be cases of gay people who aren't here to mate and women that are much funnier than men. And there's always gonna be those cases.

[Liz Winstead]

There's gonna be cases, but you assume they're the exception to the rule. And I just say, if you're funny, you're funny. And it's so subjective. And you know, what it is to really, seriously, for me, is that humor is so subjective that to say one gender is funnier than the other gender, it just doesn't make any sense to me because there's people who, you know, I don't particularly find, you know, someone like Dane Cook funny, but he sells at Madison Square Garden. I can't say he's not funny, because many people think he's funny, but I don't think he's funny. I always preface things by saying, I. I don't think this person's funny. Not. They're not funny. I think that that is a kind of a. I don't think you can say they're not funny if they make a living being funny.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that's fair. There's something from Scientific American, which I've never seen, but you can read. Why someone would do that. But go ahead, go ahead. Rate it.

[Liz Winstead]

Scientists had.

[Adam Carolla]

Allison, you breathe.

[Liz Winstead]

I don't have my glasses.

[Allison Rosen]

Scientists had 16 male and 16 female subjects. Write funny captions for 20 New Yorker magazine cartoons in 45 minutes. Then the captions were rated by a different group of 34 male and 47 female subjects. Men's captions rated higher on average than women's captions.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's something.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay, I remember that.

[Adam Carolla]

Study, That's a start. We'll find my testosterone thing. But what I'm doing, what I'm saying is most, not all people here are heterosexual and would like to have sex with the opposite sex. Most. Maybe even a majority.

[Liz Winstead]

I think everyone in this room.

[Dawson]

Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Chris Elliott]

Definitely.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All right.

[Allison Rosen]

Why?

[Chris Elliott]

Who told you otherwise?

[Adam Carolla]

So if there is a way that helps you into the bedroom with the opposite sex sex that seems to be effective, then that sex will adopt that, work on it, and hone it as a way to get into the bedroom. It's just one of those biological things.

[Liz Winstead]

But see, this is the study I would like to see. Like, that you're citing. But here's the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I'm not smart enough to make this one up.

[Liz Winstead]

But let me ask you this question then. Are you saying that a straight male

[Adam Carolla]

Daily show riders more men or women?

[Liz Winstead]

There is now three women there.

[Adam Carolla]

I think out of 12, you guys are the majority of the people on the planet. Why not more writers?

[Liz Winstead]

I mean, I think because not everyone is funny. I mean, I don't know how many submitted for the Daily Show. I mean, when we talk about the

[Adam Carolla]

Daily show, there's more women than men on the planet. Why is it 12 to 3 on

[Liz Winstead]

a show that is really specifically political? I mean, why is it, I would argue on shows, general entertainment shows, where it's not? Because I think the Daily show is its own weird thing where. Where the amount of people who watch like a Kimmel or a Jay Leno, it's just broader based. The Daily show is a really specific niche.

[Adam Carolla]

Kimmel and Leno would have more women writers.

[Liz Winstead]

I think that more people probably write in a general entertainment form, then more people write about politics and satire and care about it. You just look at how many people watch the news versus how many people watch an entertainment based program. Those numbers are slightly. Are very different.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Paul Bryant.

[Chris Elliott]

I go to a lot of stand up comedy shows. We all do, obviously. And there's always so many more men than women.

[Liz Winstead]

And this isn't.

[Chris Elliott]

Men are funnier than women. Why do you think it's predominantly men who choose to go into the ultimate democratic field, which is stand up comedy?

[Liz Winstead]

Anyone can do it.

[Chris Elliott]

Open mic nights, and it's always 10 to 1 men, maybe 9 to 1

[Adam Carolla]

because of people like me holding down.

[Liz Winstead]

I haven't been to an open mic

[Adam Carolla]

in a while, so I don't know if the ratios are stupid.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, this is stupid.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Daily Mail has an article with two professors. Daily Mail men. They spell it differently. Being funnier due to testosterone. Look, anything that gets someone into the bedroom.

[Liz Winstead]

But you can't quote the New York Post of Britain.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well, look here.

[Chris Elliott]

Come on here you.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, well then it's not fair. Can we just call the tie then? Liz, you know what?

[Liz Winstead]

All I'm saying is that it's subjective and I think that it is. I will fight you always to the death that there is one gender that is funnier than the other. I just completely think that it's not gender driven whatsoever. I just don't.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, but there's overwhelming evidence to suggest.

[Liz Winstead]

You have not shown overwhelming evidence. You quantit the Daily Mail, which is the. The New York Post and the Scientific American article, which is not about. It's about New Yorker captions and how people liked them. Rather than a big study on. Men are driven and need to mate, therefore they have a higher drive and work harder at being funny because they need to get laid.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that makes the most sense of all to me.

[Liz Winstead]

Well, see, there you go. I'll buy that. That makes the most sense of all to you. I believe that. I believe that is true.

[Adam Carolla]

Doesn't it make sense to everyone listening that if there's something that biologically can get a woman into the bedroom, that you would develop that whereas men, if a woman is funny, we don't respond to it like women respond to men being funny. Alison is.

[Allison Rosen]

Which is actually a bummer to all funny women.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, Allison is pretty and you could be with a guy who was not as good looking as you if you thought he was really clever. They don't really have that version of men. They don't have good looking guys with sort of dumpy chicks. But she's quick witted. So I'm not saying it doesn't exist on occasion, but by and large that's not how we're. That's not what our coding is biologically. So thus the dumpy guys are going to work on the sense of humor. And that's why dumpy guys have a better sense of humor than big chiseled guys.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, there's. There are tons of studies that will say that men are more visually oriented when it comes to what they're.

[Liz Winstead]

No, physical attraction is just what happens. Like when you see someone even before you open your mouth, you're either. You know, there's a physical attraction that's just psychology 101. Like if I look at you and I think you're hot, I'm gonna let you keep talking if I don't think you're Hot. And same with you. With me. You know, I'm gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

That's not what I'm talking about.

[Liz Winstead]

But I just say.

[Adam Carolla]

But she's saying. I don't want to use the R word, but that's what this is.

[Allison Rosen]

But let's say you didn't think the guy was that hot, but then it turns out he was super fat. Funny. You would be willing to listen to him more, right?

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'd be attracted to him.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Okay. Gotomeeting. It's a tie. Go to meeting. You stuck somewhere? I feel like I'm stuck somewhere. Airport, restaurant, doctor's office. Just a. Wasting the time. Well, not with. Go to my PC, brought to you by Citrix. You can get hold of whatever's on your computer, work computer, home computer. Always talk about work computer. But the home computer, good one to get to, too. You can use your smartphone, you can use your tablet, you can work while you're waiting. Go to my PC. Turns the iPad, iPhone, Android Kindle fire into your work computer, and you can try it out for free. 45 days free. Free trial visit. Go to my PC.com, click on the Try it free button, and enter the promo. All right, Liz, let's put this ugliness behind us and do some news, shall we?

[Liz Winstead]

I think that's fantastic. And by the way, I thought it was very civil and fun.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree, too. I like a good debate.

[Allison Rosen]

Get a room. They can pry the cunt from your cold, dead hands.

[Adam Carolla]

The news with Allison Rosen.

[Chris Elliott]

She read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Dawson]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it

[Liz Winstead]

up, she'll sign it off with. Zip it, cunt.

[Adam Carolla]

It's Allison. Oh, Sorry.

[Allison Rosen]

So, a settlement has been reached in the case of the two women who were accidentally shot by the LAPD during their manhunt for Dorner. They will be receiving 4.2 million. That's 2.1 million apiece. Although it was up to them how they wanted to decide it, so it's very fair of them.

[Adam Carolla]

You mean how they want to break it up?

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, they go, you got 4.2, so you can go halfsies or one of the chicks to go for the lion's share. By the way, this is why they have to go up the hill and give out the chicken shit tickets in the middle of the night to Matt the porcelain Punisher, because we have to pay for all this stuff. And there's all this. Oh, the Cops have to pay. The cops aren't paying. We pay for this. This should come out of the fucking pension fund. Why not? You ass wipes take a truck. First off, there's two women. You're looking for one huge black male

[Allison Rosen]

in a different color, different kind of truck.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're looking for one huge black man in a tundra. You then come up on a Tacoma with two small Hispanicy women and open fire. You've got the wrong gender, you've got the wrong truck. You have two instead of one. And you have of the wrong fucking ethnicity.

[Allison Rosen]

And thank God who shot them. Yeah, but thank God they weren't killed. But more than 100 bullets were shot into that car by LA's finest. How poor shots are they?

[Adam Carolla]

There's a sliding rear window on this truck with the fucking headrest of the seat which has nothing but foam and a little cloth over it against the window. Like we're not talking about an SUV situation here. This is a truck. You pumped 100 rounds into this thing. So yes, not only are you wildly incompetent at picking out who to shoot, you're insanely incompetent in actually hitting your target with the hundred bullets that you

[Allison Rosen]

dump into is good, considering the other stray bullets that hit people, or not even stray, the other bullets that hit people as they were shooting the wrong people.

[Liz Winstead]

Where was this?

[Allison Rosen]

This was in LA and it was up in Big Bear.

[Liz Winstead]

Oh, okay.

[Adam Carolla]

This wasn't Big Bear though. This was just LAPD and they were delivering papers. And I have said this a million times, everyone always argues with me. Be prepared lives.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh boy.

[Adam Carolla]

Lapd not racist assholes and stupid. He'll fucking shoot anybody. These. Look, if these were two black males, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton be down here in the fucking city beyond on fire. And everyone would be looking at me going, how can you say this wasn't because they were black? They were looking for a black guy. They shot a couple of Mexican chicks. And we all know, well that race doesn't factor in because they fucked it up so royally. But thank God these weren't a couple of black women or black men because the fucking city would be burning. These guys shoot everything all the time. They're asshole cops and they're not even all white anymore. They're mostly black, Hispanic and something else. So it's like, I don't even know what, what the implication is since whitey's basically sitting behind a desk back at city hall.

[Liz Winstead]

So you guys have to give me a little background here. So they're looking for this African American male suspect. Okay.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, he was, he was a rogue cop.

[Adam Carolla]

They're looking for the.

[Allison Rosen]

Had been a cop.

[Adam Carolla]

Basically looking for the guy. Yeah, for the guy from the Blind side is who they're looking for. He's that big a man.

[Liz Winstead]

So did they pull this, this vehicle over?

[Adam Carolla]

They pulled it over because these chicks were delivering newspapers at five in the

[Liz Winstead]

morning and they decided that they. We can't take any chances.

[Adam Carolla]

And so we're just shooting unloaded in the back of the car. Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

And we sure they pulled it over? I think the women were snoozing in the car.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh. I don't even know if it was like five behind them or something.

[Allison Rosen]

It was really.

[Liz Winstead]

And then also sudden.

[Allison Rosen]

All of a sudden.

[Adam Carolla]

4.2 for two of you doesn't sound like a lot.

[Liz Winstead]

No, it sounds like they should get.

[Adam Carolla]

For 100 bullets.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And.

[Liz Winstead]

And where are these cops? Are they gonna.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, oh, oh. These cops will go on paid leave. I mean, they have a very strong unit.

[Liz Winstead]

Really.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll bet you they went on fucking paid leave. All these guys, they always put them on leave, but it's paid leave, which I wish someone put me on.

[Allison Rosen]

Really.

[Liz Winstead]

I could go on paid leave for shooting 100 rounds into a.

[Adam Carolla]

No, they, they're always, always on paid. What they do in these cases all the time is they go, you're getting off the streets right now and you go home, you'll get paid, but go home until we sort this out. So usually they just go on paid leave per Dawson, and that doesn't mean everything, but per Dawson, they're getting full pay and they're doing desk jobs right now. Saw it on the news earlier. Saw it on the news. They are. But I'll bet you if you look this one up originally and immediately after the shooting, they all went home on paid leave. They have a crazy. The unions are fucking raping the taxpayers. They've turned all cops into heroes. And the reality is they're just fucking taking everyone's money and shooting up Mexican ladies. Thank you.

[Allison Rosen]

All right, here's something a little bit lighter. Here's video footage from a guy's first and last day as a News age anchor in North Dakota.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, you're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota. Your travels.

[Chris Elliott]

Leader in high definition gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Good evening, I'm Van Chu. You may have seen our newest AJ On NC North Dakota News and he'll

[Chris Elliott]

be joining the weekend news team as my co anchor.

[Liz Winstead]

Tell us a little bit about yourself, A.J.

[Chris Elliott]

thanks, Van.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm Very excited.

[Chris Elliott]

I graduated from West Virginia University, and I'm used to, you know, from being from the east coast,

[Allison Rosen]

he was upset because he couldn't pronounce Sigay Kabetti, the London Marathon winner. And so I guess maybe he had mispronounced it. But he said, like, you heard the end of it? And then he said, fucking shit.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he heard him say gay fucking shit.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, gay fucking shit. That's what I heard, too.

[Allison Rosen]

Gay.

[Adam Carolla]

It's sort of fucking shit if you think about it. Just a joke. Show me the study.

[Allison Rosen]

It does sound like gay fucking shit. The articles are saying. The articles are saying he was pronouncing the guy's name. The end of the name.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, see, this is.

[Allison Rosen]

But regardless.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, it's horrible news because anybody can have that thing where you have to. Especially first day, you know, you want the guy who wins the marathon to be named Jack Johnson or Bob Jones or something.

[Liz Winstead]

Who is it normally. Because the guy who wins, the American, is normally like, you know, East African.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, not always.

[Liz Winstead]

But normally.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no. There's a lot of Swedes and Irish guys. There's Samoans. Yeah, not always. You can't say it all the time.

[Dawson]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

There's Samoan guys. Get an article. The Samoan guys who can win. Are you saying they're better than Samoans?

[Liz Winstead]

I am.

[Chris Elliott]

Okay.

[Liz Winstead]

I'm totally.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't go with you on that. They don't win all the time. There's other times when other people win the marathons. Okay, all that. Now you said all the time. It's not all the time.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay, not all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're saying Kenyans are better runners than Samoans?

[Liz Winstead]

I don't know about the Kenyan Samoan ratio of runner.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't say it.

[Liz Winstead]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't know if there's a Samoan that can beat a Kenyan, do you?

[Liz Winstead]

I bet there is.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I'm saying.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

So you can't say that.

[Liz Winstead]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. So could be named Bob Smith sometimes they're Kenyans.

[Allison Rosen]

I feel like we should hear it again to determine whether he said gay

[Adam Carolla]

fucking shit or the guy's name was right. So he was like, I'm gonna have to say this out loud, and I don't want to say it. So he went.

[Liz Winstead]

And then he didn't even look at the right camera.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? He.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, when he came up to go, it was kind of like there was no amount of like. But then he was in it now thing. He didn't have that.

[Adam Carolla]

He was a mess when they came to him. But anyway, yeah, let's see it again. Let's see if we can figure this out. You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota News.

[Chris Elliott]

Your news leader in high definition gay.

[Adam Carolla]

Good evening, I'm Van Skew. You may have seen our newest AJ on Envy. He's trying to say the guy and

[Chris Elliott]

he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co anchor. Tell us a little bit about yourself, A.J. thanks, Van.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm very excited.

[Chris Elliott]

I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, you know, from being from the east coast.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God, you did a great job.

[Liz Winstead]

But you know what? The director should have. Well, the director knowing that the guy is already in the weeds, right. And he's already sweared, he's already saying stuff. Go to her on a single and then like, and then like let him get his shit together. And then it is. And then go to the two and then, you know, because it's like, how

[Adam Carolla]

live does everything have to be? I mean, there's a fucking 10 second delay or something, isn't there?

[Liz Winstead]

There should be on this. All she was doing was introducing him. Yeah, it's like, hi, I'm the person, you know. Welcome to the person you don't know. The two of us together will be people you'll get to know.

[Adam Carolla]

So he looked down, he looked at this gay, this name he couldn't pronounce. We caught the gay part and then he said fucking shit about having to pronounce this guy.

[Allison Rosen]

Yeah, yeah. Unfortunately, that was his last on air

[Liz Winstead]

position, so I guess he's going back to the east coast.

[Adam Carolla]

I guess so.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, he's familiar with it there.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there something inherently sad about local news? Like when I travel and I see local news, I get sad. But then I think to myself, why are you sad? Because they're the king and queen of their town.

[Liz Winstead]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

Like everyone who. They're up above any. They're the cherry on the, on the Sunday of everyone in this town. Everyone else does works at the fracking place or the coal mine or whatever.

[Liz Winstead]

They're doing the marshals of everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

So is that what's inherently sad about it?

[Adam Carolla]

That might be it.

[Allison Rosen]

That's the biggest fish in that sad pond.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I think what's sad about it is a city, they have the best job in that city. They're doing the ribbon cutting when the new Walmart opens. The guys bedding all the chicks at the Hooters all happening.

[Liz Winstead]

They're at the state fair.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they're doing all the good shit. They always have the silver shovel and they're always doing a photo op.

[Liz Winstead]

They're at the auto show.

[Allison Rosen]

They're on some float.

[Adam Carolla]

But we know that they're in the 186th largest market in the US and they'd fucking love to get to New York or LA or Chicago or Boston or something like that. And they're miserable where they are and all they want to do is climb that affiliate ladder and get to the next rung.

[Liz Winstead]

I know. And you wonder like, where he is this his first job anchoring? Like, is this job like I'm North Dakota or is he coming from a market even smaller? And this was a promotion.

[Adam Carolla]

Seasoned wouldn't be the word I would use when I was thinking about him. But you'd think you have to work your way up from like at least the College Station to the, to the North Dakota, maybe, Maybe that's the first stop.

[Liz Winstead]

Did that say, where in North Dakota was that? In like the biggest city in North Dakota. Dakota.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't, I don't, I don't.

[Allison Rosen]

Bismarck.

[Adam Carolla]

No Bismarck.

[Allison Rosen]

Big.

[Adam Carolla]

The good news is he'll probably have more fame from this than he finally reached a national level.

[Allison Rosen]

He tweeted, he said, rookie mistake. I'm a free agent. Can't help but laugh at myself and stay positive. Wish I didn't trip over my quote freakin shoes out of the gate.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay, so you know what I said?

[Adam Carolla]

Look, all. Everyone cusses anyway. It's just for 22 minutes a night. They pretend like they don't cuss, but now everyone's wearing a mic microphone.

[Allison Rosen]

Right.

[Liz Winstead]

Also, he's in a state where the median age is about 75. North Dakota, I believe, is the oldest demography state in the country.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't say that, Liz.

[Liz Winstead]

I can't?

[Adam Carolla]

No. There are other states. Some other states have old people too.

[Liz Winstead]

No, I think they have. I think they, they skew the oldest North Dakota. I do.

[Adam Carolla]

But there's someone who may be older who lives in Florida, so you can't say that.

[Liz Winstead]

Okay, Adam, good point. No, it doesn't really feel like anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Rats.

[Liz Winstead]

My point, but what I'm saying is that older people watch the evening news more than anybody else. So he's got a whole bunch of people who probably aren't as comfortable with an F bomb.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I don't get the people. Like the people come down on these guys going, it's so stupid. You should know there's always a mic everywhere. There's always a camera. These celebrities are so stupid. You gotta know. And it's like, first off, this is a relatively new thing, that there's a camera everywhere and that there's a microphone everywhere. And celebrities and people are human beings. And they say, we've not evolved as fast as the technology has evolved. It's not your fault as a celebrity for going out and pushing your garbage can to the curb with your bathrobe loosely fastened, that you should have known that a jogger was going to take a picture of you with their cell phone when they're running past you and put it on tv. Tmz. It's like, that's not on you. That's on society. And this thing where it's like you're mic'd up all the time. When we would do the man show, you'd get mic'd up when you'd shoot those field bits. And one time we had a horrible director. Cause we'd hire him sometimes piecemeal. And some would work out, some wouldn't. And we had a director that was just bad. And I kept pulling the writer aside, of course, while my lav mic was on me.

[Liz Winstead]

Oh, no.

[Adam Carolla]

And you know, because you're shooting for six hours. And I'd go like, this chick's horrible. She's really bad. Sorry. She was a woman. I said, we got to take this shoot over because she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing, and we got to save this shoot. So I don't want to tell her to back off, but we're going to kind of have to step it up a little bit here because she's a fucking imbecile and she's going to ruin that shoot. Every usual bit and all that shit. And then she went to the editor bay, and then I came in, like, you know, two days later to go, how's the rough cut coming? And she's like, it's going good. Thanks for all the compliments. Your lav mic was on the whole time.

[Liz Winstead]

I was just like, I know that happens.

[Allison Rosen]

Well, whenever you're a guest on a TV show, they mic you up well before you go on. And I actually had a staggering, awful feeling the other day thinking about all the times that I wasn't thinking about the fact that it was hot mic. I mean. And of course, I always go to the bathroom with it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, sure.

[Allison Rosen]

But they must be used to that. But then I don't know what the hell I said. And then someone was like, oh, they don't listen. That's not true though, right? They do. They must listen.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, either they listen or they don't. But it's recorded. And then when you go and you put all of the data into the avid bay and then you're sifting through it to get a, you know, string out, you're hearing lots of cuts of me going, this bitch. Fine. That's not a pleasant feeling. And the guy, the guy who's handling the sound should pot the shit down in between. But I think sound guys are secretly evil.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, architects.

[Liz Winstead]

They have control.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. And they will do that fucking. They do that thing all the time that drives me nuts, which is they put the lav mic on you, but they also boom it. And then you do this great take, but the guy goes, oh, the boom dipped it. You're like, why do we have the boom mic? And they go, that's just for backup. And I go. But they end up ruining more shots than I have a mic. I have a lav mic on me. It's taped to the inside of my shirt. But we saw the boom dip in.

[Chris Elliott]

All right?

[Liz Winstead]

I know. You wonder why guys with bigger guns don't run booms.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, skinny dudes. And they're always weird. They have their own little cart.

[Liz Winstead]

They put big cart around, medium size.

[Dawson]

Not all of them.

[Liz Winstead]

Not all of them have small cars.

[Adam Carolla]

Screen in the car. Medium to fair to large sized cars. They push around. They're kind of solo dudes. And they do a lot of hold airplane before anyone else says anything. And then once in a while they do this super creepy thing where you do have the mic and they do have the headphones on the whole time. And you'll be like talking to someone, not shooting. And then once in a while they'll overstep their shit, but they'll come up to you and they go, by the way, I agree with you about that. You go, oh, yeah, that's right. You're listening to me arguing with the

[Liz Winstead]

director about something that is really creepy.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm on your side. Like, oh, you're listening.

[Liz Winstead]

Yeah, yeah. Now you're creepy listening. And you're a suck up.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Allison Rosen]

So speaking of creepy, remember the Elvis impersonator with the puka shell necklace who supposedly sent the ricin laced letters?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't call that Mississippi, by the way.

[Allison Rosen]

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. That is a. What is that, a clay bead? What's going on there?

[Adam Carolla]

That's just Jeff Probst kind of choker. Kind of. You know, I'm hip, I'm young, this is where I get my spirituality.

[Allison Rosen]

I don't know what happened to me. I know what.

[Liz Winstead]

It's a little. It's a little buffet too.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't get the choker on the dude. As women. Is there any. Is that doing anything?

[Allison Rosen]

I actually may have. No, this is. But there was a time probably where I went through a puka feathered hair phase of thinking that and like, the guy with the jacket with the shearling was the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Dawson]

Yeah.

[Allison Rosen]

But no, that does nothing for me. But the charges have been dropped against him. Why?

[Liz Winstead]

He wasn't the guy.

[Allison Rosen]

They haven't said. But I'm assuming if the charges were dropped that he wasn't the guy. And now there's somewhere else that they're sniffing around.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Interesting. Scary, weird, and sort of.

[Allison Rosen]

It makes me feel bad that we all were talking about him, but he is still crazy.

[Adam Carolla]

Percentage wise. When you're gonna send the president, like, hey, I baked you a poison bundt cake, Mr. President. I'm gonna send it to you. What are the chances of him ever taking a bite out of that cake?

[Allison Rosen]

It's been a long time since someone's

[Liz Winstead]

dropped the cake in this era. Probably not.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't think he's opening his own mail. I think there's a probably pretty lengthy and involved screening process. So taking whatever it is and sending it, whether it's a joint or poison or whatever you're sending to the president, assume he's not gonna be sitting there with this letter opener just in his Oval office, just answering everyone longhand.

[Allison Rosen]

It's interesting that letters are the domain of crazy people for the most part.

[Adam Carolla]

Got a letter from my mom two weeks ago.

[Allison Rosen]

That wasn't what I was referring to.

[Liz Winstead]

Snail mail. You mean snail mail is still the choice of the. They found their way to Twitter too.

[Allison Rosen]

That's true.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, they found their way in. But now they're even crazier because the technology's passed them by. Like it used to be crazy. Were the letter writers. And I always hated that. We lived and worked in an industry where three fucking crazy people with the address of Comedy Central or NBC or whatever could get a show pulled or an apology or like, they literally just go, we got letters. And they were offended. And I'm like, how many letters versus how many people watching?

[Liz Winstead]

Right?

[Adam Carolla]

You know what I mean? Like, literally, there's 2 million people watching the show and you got nine letters. That's pretty good to me. And then we're gonna ratchet it down at the expense of the other 1.9 something something million people that are watching the show and seem to be enjoying it because we have fucking overzealous nut jobs writing letters.

[Liz Winstead]

Well, when the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction thing happened, that whole crazy story because it was. Nobody noticed it. And then Brent Bozell from one of those families to protect all families organizations saw, sent out, you know, a mass email to his people and said, this is an outrageous blah, blah, blah. And then they all wrote letters. And then it became a huge thing. If that guy would have just said, oh, I guess I saw that and who cares? Nobody would have done anything. But he started a one man protest operation and the networks took it seriously.

[Adam Carolla]

I have this theory that we're living in this time when and where like simultaneously, the most narcissistic, sort of earbud wearing what about me? Generation with the most easily offended, and you need to take that back and apologize for that. And I always say, which is it? Is it inward or is it outward? You know, like. And maybe the outward is an extension of the inward. But I'm just worried about my family and my own shit. Like, I don't have time to fucking craft letters to NBC. I don't give a fuck what they do. If they want to have a gimp fucking a donkey during the halftime show, that'll be their business. And I'll try to keep my kids from watching next year.

[Liz Winstead]

Well, and it's also too, it's like, you know, even though we had our little, you know, spat about however we feel about the thing, the bottom line is some people can just be able to say, feel whatever they want, joke about whatever they want, and then realize if it passes your lips, people are gonna have a reaction about it. And if you defend it and you, like I say this, I believe it, and I'll hear what everybody has to say and let the crap rain down on me because I get the same thing about shit I say about politics too. It's like at the end of the day, you kind of want to know where people stand. So let people say whatever they want. And people can make judgments and take the heat for it. Like, you know, you're not afraid to take the heat, I'm not afraid to take the heat. And I think that's an interesting person.

[Adam Carolla]

There's a couple things. Like, we don't really have bosses, right? I mean, I built myself a pirate ship here. And the reason I did it so I didn't have to do the pretend apology when I was making a joke about something. Or more importantly, When I did feel this way, I didn't have to do the fake apology because the one guy who claims to, by the way, I don't know how racist this is, but like the one guy who claims to represent all Asian communities has sent off an angry email to Jack Silver, the program director. And now I have to apologize. People are pissed. Ace man. Understand, first off, everyone, whether it's I want you to apologize for calling me fat or I want you to apologize for making your joke about the Asian community, no one ever means it when they apologize anymore. You can get your husband to apologize for calling you fat, but he still thinks you're fat, right? That's why he called you fat. I don't know. What's in it for you to get him to apologize? What's in it for you is to either lose some weight or divorce him. The ultimate weight loss. But not getting him to take something that he felt back. That's what I don't get. Either he was joking, in which case you don't need an apology, you don't need an apology, or he meant it, in which case I'll guarantee he still means it. It now he's just apologizing for it because he doesn't want to lose his job.

[Liz Winstead]

And if you put a joke out there that's pushing the envelope like, okay, then just own it and know that people are gonna get pissed and that you're gonna get the thing and then you defend it and then you'll either bury them because you have a really good defense and that's my joke. And who cares what you think about it? I'm not trying to make you laugh, but the apology is very rare. You're right, it hardly ever works. And why apologize? Why say it to begin with? When you feel like you have to

[Adam Carolla]

apologize, everybody goes through the motion, which is the program director, the GM or whatever gets everyone. And then eventually the on air guy apologizes and then everyone knows they don't mean it. And then so thus it's lost its teeth because they just win on a technicality. Like we got them to apologize.

[Allison Rosen]

I think it's just, I'm gonna make you do something.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to manipulate you. I'm going to make you do something. I'll tell you what I'd like to make you do. Have a little crave jerky, baby. That's what with a K. Great quick snack. This is high end stuff. This ain't. I mean, the guy from Krave came in and brought all this stuff in there. Here's something interesting. Low calorie, high protein. More protein than an egg. An ostrich egg Crave jerky has more

[Liz Winstead]

protein than an egg.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. Boom. Yep. Practically fat free. What do you think about that porcelain punisher? No nitrates. Gluten free gourmet flavors like the chili lime black cherry barbecue. I like that, Brian. Which is you try that you liked over there.

[Chris Elliott]

Oh, it was like the barbecue flavor, the hickory. There was whatever. Tasted like ribs.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, they just, what they did is they go, why are we eating such shitty jerky? Why don't we make a high end jerky? Like why doesn't somebody invent really good quality jerky? Well, crave jerky. Did it. That was the news with Allison Rosen. All right, the Cinco de Mayo party we're having over in Malibu for the children's hospital. Fitz and the Tantrum is gonna be playing there. I think a lot of celebs are gonna stop by. John Popper's gonna be playing there with his guitarist. I'll be talking for a little bit. And it's always a beautiful day in Malibu, so come by. And again, all the money going to the children's hospital. [e-mail]. live podcast Amalfi Jo Coy, comedian Joe Coy coming on this Wednesday. That is tomorrow, if you're listening, and today if you're listening. Also, we're doing a show in Corona at the M15 Concert Bar and Grill. That is Sunday the 28th, 7pm so come on out, see the live show and meet the merced theater, Saturday, April 27th. That's coming up this Saturday, 9 o'. Clock. And you should know that Liz Winstead could be found if you'd like to check her out online, LizWinstead.com also, you can Twitter her izwinstedt and the book Liz Free or Die, available on Amazon. Great to have you on, baby girl.

[Liz Winstead]

Thank you, dear.

[Adam Carolla]

David Wilde as well. Wild about music. So until next time, Sam Kroll for Liz Winstead, David Wilde, Allison Rosen and Ball Bryan saying mahalo.

[Liz Winstead]

That's a ridiculous question.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that was Adam Crow Show 1063 with Liz Winstead.

[Chris Elliott]

That does it for this weekend's Crawl Classics. Make sure to tune next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[Adam Carolla]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you knew the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman the Legend of Ron Burgundy Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy welcome to the real world Mean Girls. Stand up Titanic. I'm the king of the world. And so much more For Showtime's press nothing. They're free.

[Allison Rosen]

24.

[Liz Winstead]

7 that is so effective on Pluto

[Adam Carolla]

TV stream now pay Never. Podcasting isn't just about talking. It's about growing, engaging and monetizing. And that's where Podcast one Pro comes in. Whether you're an independent creator or a major brand, Podcast One Pro gives you the tools you need to take your podcast to the next level. We're talking about premium hosting, advanced analytics, dynamic ad integration and expert distribution. All designed to maximize your reach and revenue. Plus, with access to Podcast one's industry leading network, you'll be connected to top tier advertisers and a massive audience. It's time to go pro and turn your picture passion into profit. Visit podcast1pro.com to get started today. Podcast1pro the power behind the podcast hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long.

[Chris Elliott]

Catch.

[Dawson]

Anchorman.

[Adam Carolla]

The Legend of Ron Burger.

[Chris Elliott]

Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic. The Matrix Trilogy.

[Chris Elliott]

Welcome to the real world Mean Girls.

[Adam Carolla]

Shut up Titanic. I'm the key in a world. And so much more For Showtime's press nothing. They're free.

[Liz Winstead]

24. 7 that is so effective on Pluto

[Adam Carolla]

TV stream now pay Never.