Nick Kroll + Eugene Mirman (Carolla Classics)

Summary

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Adam Carolla Show: Nick Kroll + Eugene Mirman (Carolla Classics)

Date: July 26, 2026
Guests: Nick Kroll, Eugene Mirman
Classic Episodes From: 2013
Recurring Panel: Adam Carolla, Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, Brian "Bald Bryan" Bishop

Episode Overview

This Carolla Classics episode revisits two memorable Adam Carolla Show episodes from 2013, featuring comedians Nick Kroll and Eugene Mirman, joined by regulars Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen, and Bald Bryan. The show delivers Adam’s trademark blend of freewheeling, uncensored comedy, rants about everyday irritations, in-depth guest interviews, and irreverent panel banter. It covers everything from sports fandom to pop culture, social commentary, behind-the-scenes showbiz stories, and never fails to land on an edgy punchline, creating a fast-paced, improvisational comic environment.

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Main Themes & Highlights

1. Sports Obsessions, Rants & Fan Culture

• Boston Fans and Sports Psychology
  • Heated discussion about Boston sports fans’ infamous chip-on-the-shoulder attitude after years of near-misses and later, dynastic dominance.
  • Adam and Dave swap stories about sporting events, sports betting, and the "joy" of being taunted after a loss.
  • "I'm not happy unless I'm making you miserable. I don't even care about winning the game. I care about you losing the game."
    • (Adam, 09:01)
• Super Bowl & Playoff Legacies
  • Analysis and gentle ribbing over the Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh Super Bowl matchup, with jokes about brotherly rivalry and football dynasties.
  • Debates over Patriots’ shifting reputation post–Spygate, Belichick’s mystique, and Tom Brady’s petulant on-field moments.
  • "It seems like everything runs through you. But, I mean, there are a lot of good other players, I mean, who actually contributed."
    • (Eugene, 18:23)
• Football as a TV Sport vs. Live Experience
  • Discussion about how football is better watched on TV than in the stadium, due to better visuals and understanding of the game.
  • Adam’s anecdote about leaving the Super Bowl at halftime due to poor seats and lack of replays (10:10–11:30).

2. Social Commentary & Adam’s Signature Rants

• Broken Trophies & Workplace Etiquette
  • Adam riffs on people’s unwillingness to own up to mistakes, using a broken glass "Catholic Big Brother" trophy as a metaphor for declining societal accountability.
  • "I mainly care about the fact that you clearly knocked it over and then you set it back. ... I just give a shit that somebody set it back up, cleaned it up, and walked away from it."
    • (Adam, 03:07–05:11)
• Service Animals, Entitlement, and Social Decay
  • Adam’s irritation at the proliferation of “emotional support” animals and how it symbolizes modern entitlement and 'me first' thinking.
  • "I give a shit about the sense of entitlement and what else it means. It’s not just traveling…It’s now it’s fucking. Yeah, that person may be bringing their dog, and I’m gonna beat him to the punch. Not good. We need to reel it in."
    • (Adam, 93:27–93:37)
• Parking Lot Psychology
  • Adam psychoanalyzes celebrity parking choices as a window into personalities (Drew's efficient reverse, D.A.G.'s territorial sprawl), equating them to passive-aggressive or aggressive social markers (109:45–112:50).

3. Comedy, Absurdity, and Panel Banter

• Mocking Sports Commercial Tropes
  • The panel lampoons overwrought football ads, the “beer bros,” and cliché casting ("non-threatening black guy," "hipster white guy"), poking fun at focus-tested masculinity.
• Fictional NFL Name-Game
  • Adam invents new player names for his make-believe football team:
    • "Legs Akimbo" (wide receiver)
    • "Librarian Booker" (possession receiver)
    • "The Vigorous Lover"
    • "Feral Katz" (Jewish nose tackle)
  • This extends to a running joke about sports stereotypes and positions (31:56–34:17).

4. Guest Segments

Nick Kroll:

• Kroll Show and Comedy Process
  • Speaks about his Comedy Central sketch series, the creative process behind it, and developing oddball characters.
  • Performs "DJ El Chupacabra," a Latin morning radio parody ("bienvenidos...uno uno!"), riffing on Spanish morning radio’s loud energy (45:36–47:16).
• America vs. Russia: The Immigrant Experience
  • Both Kroll and Carolla discuss how growing up with adversity or scarcity shapes behavior as adults, particularly regarding extravagances like first-class flights and American abundance (121:07–123:43).

Eugene Mirman

• Russian Emigration, Special Ed, and Cultural Commentary
  • Shares details about emigrating from Russia, surveillance by the KGB, and being in special ed as a student in Massachusetts—mixing personal with political and comedic commentary (124:38–126:06, 133:04–134:35).

5. Panel Debates & Tangents

• Political Satire
  • Satirical suggestions for tougher Secretaries of State (Daniel Day-Lewis, Suge Knight, the cast of Con Air) to inspire more global fear and respect (135:13–139:10).
• Obsessing Over Penis Size: Apps & Ranking Schemes
  • Adam’s elaborate, recurring joke about a national penis "volume displacement" test; panel tries out new iPhone “condom size” app; debates the accuracy and potential for humiliation (150:28–156:41).
  • "I'm not letting some newfangled technology come in and tell me how to measure my joint!"
    • (Adam, 151:29)

6. Notable Pop Culture Notes

• Celebrity Liquor Brands
  • Brief, humorous rundown of unnecessarily branded celebrity alcoholic drinks: Trump Vodka (“Trump Super Premium Vodka”), Marilyn Manson’s “Mansinthe,” and Adam’s own “Mangria.”
• Reviewers, Bias, and Showbiz Cynicism
  • Gripes about past media coverage, specifically Entertainment Weekly and Tom Shales, for delivering personal attacks in place of fair criticism, and discussing how public personas become caricatures over time—using both Donald Trump and Jeanine Garofalo as examples.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "I'm not happy unless I'm making you miserable. I don't even care about winning the game. I care about you losing the game."
  — Adam (09:01), on Boston sports fans

• "You gotta either glue it [the trophy] on or I'll glue it back on. You gotta leave a little Post-It. I don’t care about the award. I mainly care about the fact that you clearly knocked it over and then set it back."
  — Adam (03:07–05:11)

• "Mayans? I got them in my basement. When the world didn’t come to an end, I was like, ‘You know what guys? I’m still coming after you.’”
  — Nick Kroll (62:43)

• On emotional support animals:
  "Guess what relieves stress in me? A blow job. ... That's how I relieve my stress. What's wrong with that? And who are you to judge?"
  — Adam (92:57–93:13)

• "Butt chugging is real."
  — Eugene Mirman (182:10), closing quip

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Noteworthy Segments with Timestamps

• 00:28–05:11: Opening, Adam's broken trophy rant & societal accountability
• 07:01–11:30: Super Bowl fandom, taunting, and sports-betting anecdotes
• 14:00–23:09: NFL playoff legacies, Belichick myth, sports psychology
• 30:46–34:17: Creep of the Week & Adam’s fictional NFL player names
• 43:18–47:16: Nick Kroll on "Kroll Show," and "DJ El Chupacabra" bit
• 93:00–94:37: Rant about service animals and social etiquette
• 109:45–112:50: Parking lot psychology as a window into personality
• 121:07–123:43: America vs. Russia: abundance, hardship, and behavior
• 150:28–156:41: Penis measurement app, Adam’s water displacement test bit
• 135:13–139:10: Satirical Secretary of State casting (Daniel Day-Lewis, Suge Knight)
• 162:01–166:17: Griping about showbiz press coverage and Adam’s "Carolla-ectomy" story

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a goldmine of classic Adam Carolla: surgical social satire, raucous longtime-panel chemistry, cultural tangents, and the comic bravado of guests Nick Kroll and Eugene Mirman. Topics range from the deeply trivial (NFL mascots, measuring penises with an iPhone) to incisive societal critique (declining accountability, performative sports fandom, entitled airline passengers). As always, it’s shot through with Adam’s anti-hero everyman tone: cranky, quick-witted, and never short of an off-color punchline.

For newcomers: This is Carolla at his best—sharp, irreverent, and wildly entertaining, with a motley mix of comedy, social commentary, and just enough chaos to keep you listening.

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Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Foreign.

Welcome to Cruel Classics. I'm your host, super fan Giovanni.

[Chris]

This is the podcast.

[Adam Carolla]

We play the best moments, highlights and fan selecting clips from all 17 years of the Adam Carolla show. If you'd like to access the full archives, the Adam Corolla show, The Adam and Dr. Drew show, as well as the newer podcast Beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla substack adamcarolla.substack.com and you'd like to request a clip for us to play here on Corolla Classics, please email us classicsamcarolla.com all right, let's get to the clips coming up. First, we have Adam Kurolla Show998 featuring Nick Kroll along with Dave Damaschek, Allison Rosen and Brian Bishop from 2013. This one has Dave Damaschik at the top of the show stays to midway point, then Nick Kroll joins him for the rest of the episode. Hope you guys enjoy.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls. Shut up.

[Dave Damaschek]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Dave Damaschek]

And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so fast.

[Dave Damaschek]

On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Good to see you, Dave Damaschek, Ace and company.

[Eugene Mirman]

What a pleasure. The pleasure's all mine. And kudos to you on inspiring your entire staff, apparently minus the lovely Allison to grow a beard.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, she's got just downstairs. Allison Rosen. Good to see you, my friend.

Hello, Adam, Carolla.

And bald Bryan. Awful lot of honkies in here. Let me ask you guys this. I just noticed this the other day and you guys tell me what is going on. We have a little trophy, I don't know, table or something in the back of the studio. I get little awards and trophies and cups and things like that now and again. And we just set them on this table back there and somebody pointed out the fact that my Catholic big brother, like star achievement award, which is just made of glass, has the top of the star knocked off it just chipped off it, which means somebody was cleaning or something and knocked it over and then broke it and then put it back where it was and then left. Like I understand the part where you go to someone's place of work or home and you screw something up. But then you have to put a little post it note or you have to do one of two things. You have to either find the part that you broke off it and put like a little Krazy Glue on it and try to stick it back on or, or you need to leave a little post it that said like, sorry, basically knowing there's nothing I can have the cleaning lady or the guy do about it. But this was just. It got knocked over or something and this is what I'm finding. I know this is Los Angeles and we're at a 50% hit and run accident rate, which is again one of these things I say.

[Eugene Mirman]

Is that right?

[Adam Carolla]

Wow, 50%. It's about 10% nationally, we're at 50% which to me is one of those. It's the 11 year old boy who's torturing the small animals. Like it doesn't mean he's gonna be a serial killer. But let's keep our eye. This is not what you call a good indicator. This is not a good for your city. Barbed wire around the freeway signs and a 50% hit and run ratio. Not what you're looking for as a city. And by the way, the kind of thing that 10 years from now someone could look back on and go, I guess we should have. Well, la, you can literally read the handwriting on the walls because there is literally handwriting on every freeway overpass, on every sign, on every rock and everything. We should have looked at these indicators as an indicator of what I would call decline. But when you knock over my Champion for Youth award, as opposed to the one they give out for the people that hate youngsters, and then you knock the top of my star off. You gotta either glue it on or I'll glue it back on. You gotta leave a little post it. I don't really care about the award or anything. I mainly care about the fact that you clearly knocked it over and then you set it back. It's not like you're in here. It's not like I have like paintball wars in the back of the studio or anything. It's not like somebody. Well, you know, I was fucking around with my BB gun, but I didn't see where the shotgun went. It must have ricocheted. You had to knock it over, it had to break. Then you had to set it back

up on its feet and hope no one noticed.

Clean up a little glass. Oh no. Someone will notice, but It'll be in 10 days. And by then, Ace, it was me, I did it.

[Eugene Mirman]

I didn't want to say Anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Cause I thought you might get mad.

[Eugene Mirman]

And I couldn't live with myself if that was true.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute. Hold on. Something. Something's happening to Bill Simmons. He's starting to sound like the old man from the Family Guy. The old pedophile guy from the Family Guy.

If this were a movie, you would interrogate all of us to find out it is. And then you'd ask, and we'd all say we did it.

I don't. My thing is, again, I don't really give a shit that my Catholic Big Brother trophy is broken. I just give a shit that somebody set it back up, cleaned it up, and walked away from it. And I don't like that. And I know it's now sort of an epidemic and no one really.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm not made out of money, but I have one of those Burberry ties. Handsome. Handsome. Alison can confirm it's a.

[Adam Carolla]

Like Richard Gere would have worn in the 80s.

Yes.

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't know what that means, but yeah. So in Pretty Woman kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm thinking more. I'm thinking more the GQ one.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I didn't know that it was such a fancy there. So I have one at work at the NFL with all these multimillionaires. Somebody goes in and takes my Burberry tie. It's gone. I know. Somebody swiped it. No, you're being crazy. Somebody didn't steal it. But, of course, a week later, it shows back up in my place, and it's now got a huge stain at the bottom of it. Who steals your tie?

[Dave Damaschek]

And then.

[Eugene Mirman]

But it's a weird. It's a weird calculation on that guy's part that, yeah, I stole the tire, I borrowed the tie, but then I got schmutz on it. I'm gonna put it back.

[Adam Carolla]

What would it sound like if Chris Berman stole the tie and it fell in his SpaghettiOs while he was hanging out with Tom Jackson?

[Eugene Mirman]

Wait a second. Wait. This is a lot for me to. So wait. The top teach. Look, there are red ties. There are blue ties. There are. Look, there are a lot of kinds of ties, but a beige Burberry tie is pretty nice. This just in plaid looks good.

[Adam Carolla]

Back on the blitz. There you go. I wanted to make up for your Bill Simmons. I honestly think Bill and Hench may be mad at me for the Patriots.

[Eugene Mirman]

Why? Because you bet on them?

[Adam Carolla]

I forgot that I bet on them.

He made them lose.

I didn't bet. I got home on Sunday night and I got Nothing but tweets from Patriot Nation telling me to fucking die. That's all I got, by the way. Thank God. I'm going to Boston and doing a show on Saturday.

[Eugene Mirman]

Send them my regards because I was hammered.

[Adam Carolla]

A lot of. Just fucking die, Corolla, die. Because all I did, I was buzzed. I was sitting with cousin Sal and Nick Santora was. We found out that the pats were, like, 8 to 1 to win the Super Bowl. This was like, you know, seven weeks ago. And I was like, they're going to win two home games and then go to the super bowl and beat up on, I don't know, Atlanta or San Francisco or whoever. Denver or something. Or not Denver, but I'm taking the pats at 8 to 1.

[Dave Damaschek]

Why not?

[Adam Carolla]

I'll put 100 bucks on it. I didn't look at that as a Pats bet, but it was a Pat.

[Eugene Mirman]

First of all, Patriots fans, you should know. It's interesting. Boston sports fans in general have. They're in a weird sort of perfect storm, which is that they grew up with the chip on their shoulder of never being a winner. They're in the shadow of New York City. They're.

[Adam Carolla]

They're.

[Eugene Mirman]

They're downtrodden Red Sox fans who always have to play the. The greatest, you know, sports team in American history, the Yankees. Then all of a sudden, they win, and then they have to pivot into, oh, this is dealing with success now. And they've done it miserably. So they still have the chip on their shoulder.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes.

[Eugene Mirman]

But now they want to be braggadocious, and they have become the single. This. This isn't hyperbole. The most loathsome fan base in any city.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I'll tell you this. All you need to know. This is all you need to know. And I. And I mean this very honestly. Like, you can really measure a team this way. And their fans. They measure their fans this way. When we were in New Orleans and the Pats won their first super bowl against my Rams, I did not see Patriots fans celebrating. When I went out that night, I found them looking for Rams fans to taunt them.

[Eugene Mirman]

So true.

[Adam Carolla]

Which is a completely different part of your brain, because if these were fans from Carolina Panthers, they'd be out celebrating their team's victory. If these were USC fans, they would be out celebrating their team's victim victory, not looking for people in opposing jerseys and making fun of them. It's such a fucking Bostonian thing to do. Literally. I'm not happy unless I'm making you miserable. I Don't even care about winning the game. I care about you losing the game.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's. That's what I'm talking about. The chip on the shoulder is. They're so accustomed to. Get away from me. I'm sat. Wait. Now, how do you like me?

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Eugene Mirman]

You're good. I guess you won, so I guess you're good.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, yeah, take that.

[Eugene Mirman]

I'm congratulating you.

[Adam Carolla]

Deal with that.

[Eugene Mirman]

We're wicked. I mean, that crap makes. That's exactly right.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? Celebrate your team's victory instead of.

[Eugene Mirman]

But for the record, 11 years ago, we were in New Orleans together. And you say you didn't see Patriots fans out on the street. You didn't see anything other than the four walls in your hotel room because you left at halftime of the Super Bowl. Left at halftime of the Super Bowl. This.

[Adam Carolla]

You make this. You use this as an example. Like, if this was a football court of law, you would use this as an example of what a weak fan I was. I would use the exact same example and say, this is a testament.

[Eugene Mirman]

It doesn't make you a weak fan. It's just such a strange move that your team is on the field and you feel like, I'm gonna be better off all by myself in the room instead of in the atmosphere.

[Adam Carolla]

I could not enjoy the super bowl because I was sitting up on the loge level of the Superdome, but behind a bunch of large people of color. And I could not enjoy the big Afros, couldn't see the field. I was so far back. And they weren't showing replays on, like, the Jumbotron or anything. It was back when, if it was a close call, they wouldn't show it. Remember when they didn't want to fuck with the referees, like, the whole thing because there was no replay. I don't think they had.

[Eugene Mirman]

They had replay. But you're right, there was a little error there where they wouldn't show it live because of the crowd reaction. And then that would theoretically influence the referee, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So you're sitting up there going, I can't tell if the ball touched the ground or his knee hit before he went into the end zone or whatever it is. And somewhere at halftime, and it was like, you know, Elton John playing an extended magic piano or whatever, I just said, fuck it. I'm out of here. And I ran from the super bowl back to my hotel room.

[Eugene Mirman]

It was you two doing their 911

[Adam Carolla]

tribute there it was.

[Chris]

Either way, in your defense, football is absolutely a TV spectator sport now. It is so much more Enjoyable. As one who goes to every USC game, I. I enjoy it so much more when I can watch them at home, because you know what's going on, you can follow the action.

[Adam Carolla]

You know what's weird? This is very tangentially related, but we did a live show at CES Las Vegas on stage, and I was looking at the people in the front row, and, like, over half of them. Actually, not just front row. You know, all the people in front of us are watching us on the screens right above us. They were right in front of us.

Right, right. Interesting. That's how we're all wired. All right, Sheck, did you bring a little sports with you? Dave Damaschek, by the way, the podcast Dave Damaschek football program, you can get on iTunes. Website davedamashek.NFL.com and what can I say, Sheck?

That's it.

[Eugene Mirman]

Amishek. If you like the Twitter, which I guess is broken right now. Right. Did the Twitter broke? Teo plus Ray Lewis plus inauguration. Just too much for poor Twitter to bear, but. All right, bald. Let's talk some sports.

[Chris]

Hit it.

[Adam Carolla]

It's time for Dave Dashek's Number one Sports.

[Dave Damaschek]

Number one sports.

[Adam Carolla]

Do it, Dave.

[Nick Kroll]

Wow.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's Jimmy Kimmel. He was sitting in this very chair yesterday, hours ago.

[Nick Kroll]

Thrilling.

[Adam Carolla]

You want to hear a very gay answer he gave me last night? So we drove in together. He drove over to my house, we drove out here, and then we drove back to my house last night. And we're just standing in my driveway, you know, getting ready to make out. And I said, you're working up the

[Eugene Mirman]

guts to lean in.

[Adam Carolla]

I said, well, you want to come in and have a beer or something? And he said, I can. I got a chicken in the oven. And anyone who knows Jimmy knows he put a chicken in the oven before he left his house. Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

What is that? Is that the heterosexual guys always have the. I ask that as. As someone who is not among that group, but. So do people ask you that, who would be the fella in that relationship? That must be the most common question you've been asked.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, like, who would be the top?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, who would be. Yeah, who would be the man? Cause someone always sort of is defined as the dominant personality.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, once he moved to 1135, that's it. In line with the Hollywood Walk for the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I think that switched him over to the top.

[Eugene Mirman]

Really? So that would bleed into your personal affairs?

[Adam Carolla]

Absolutely.

[Dave Damaschek]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

All right, well, listen, here's what. Here's what the score is here. The two title games are in the books. And I'm sad to say, if you haven't noticed, football season's over. I mean, 60 minutes left, of course, but the super bowl is another matter entirely. That's not watching football. That's a party. That's the first, you know, the first 45 minutes of the game are spent explaining to Allison who these people are.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, Colin Kaepernick is distinctive because all that not, not fun. It's not the same thing. So I'm sad to say we have a long way to go. But the good news is this is as far away from football as we'll ever be. You know, so tomorrow we're that much closer to the start of the 2013 season. Ravens and Niners are going to get it on. Head coach of the Niners Jim Harbaugh little known fact is related to Ravens head coach John Harbaugh. Did you know that?

[Adam Carolla]

Did not know.

[Eugene Mirman]

That is in fact true. That's. And another tidbit for you, Ray Lewis, the middle linebacker of the Baltimore Ravens is retiring. And I know and he's a God fearing my.

[Adam Carolla]

He loves Jesus Christ way more than I love Paul Newman. Race cars, my kids, my wife, my home, everything combined. I've never seen a man fall so deep deeply in love with Jesus Christ. And his stuff is so borderline homoerotic that if he didn't work Jesus in every second sentence it would quickly go gay. Very quickly.

[Eugene Mirman]

Because he's like I have this exact conversation. Replace the name Jesus with any other object and think of the emotional delusion that you would see in this guy. You would think, wow, this is real. That guy is troubled.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, he's on the brink of tears. He's talking about brink. He's on tears. Those men look to it looked at me. I've been to the mountain and I found Jesus on the mountain. And then I speared Jesus. I led with my head. There was Jesus and Moses on the mountain. I dropped back into my hook zone. Jesus started scrambling. Broken play, looking to check down to Moses. Floated the ball in the air. I led with my crown. I been to the mountain and I drove Moses into the turf. I took a 15 yard penalty. I got fined by the commissioner, but the only real commissioner in my life is Jesus Christ.

[Chris]

Yes, he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he is.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, you know, I'll tell you, I'm fascinated by the character who comes out in the self congratulatory dancing. I think we talked about it the last time I was in here, but you know, it really is in a completely different way, but it is, you know, Tim Tebow, the T bowing, which by the fact that it's called T bowing when it is kneeling down to praise your Lord that way. I mean, how much more narcissistic can you get? Oh, yeah, Jesus had a good run, but now we're gonna call it T bowing. We're not gonna call it praying anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

Do you think Jesus.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's me. Me. You know this thing about you can't dance, you know, to pours popcorn on his head after a touchdown and so on. Yeah, well, that's. That's celebrating, and that's not what we're about. Now. Going down to one knee to point up at the sky because this guy. Because the. The powers that be decided for you to get a touchdown.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Eugene Mirman]

Isn't that narcissistic? Isn't that deeply, deeply delusional? And. And otherwise.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, I've been to the ground, I've taken a knee to the ground. I put one knee on the ground. Helmets, not a chair. Grab a knee. Hands in. Break it down. Nobody comes to my mountain. Into our house, on our mountain, which we built.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hey, Ray, what do you have to say about Flacco? Because he had a great game and you didn't really have very many tackles in the game.

[Adam Carolla]

I've been to the mountain. I seen Joe Flacco on the mountain. If there was a mountain of Rushmore four quarterbacks, it would have Joe Flacco's name on it.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, but it seems like everything runs through you. But, I mean, there are a lot of good other players, I mean, who actually contributed. Anquan Bold and got two touchdowns.

[Adam Carolla]

I tell you, the only thing that runs through me is chicken and waffles. Sorry, it's a racial joke.

[Eugene Mirman]

Please refrain from using ethnic slurs.

[Adam Carolla]

So he has become, like. There are, like, Baptist ministers that see him now and, like, tone it down a little, Ray. Jesus Christ. We all love Jesus. Could you reel it in? Just.

[Eugene Mirman]

But I mean, really. Listen, basketball. You could compare Michael Jordan when he collapsed the year after his father was killed.

[Adam Carolla]

He's been to the hardwood, he's been to the parquet. But.

[Eugene Mirman]

But listen, it's 52, you know, this is a different sport. It's a. The ultimate team sport. But he has the uncanny ability down

[Adam Carolla]

that field at any given time.

[Eugene Mirman]

I gotta tell you, it's about everybody in this locker room.

[Dave Damaschek]

I love them all.

[Eugene Mirman]

Like my family, I'm here to counsel whatever they need. I give them what they need because I get Back from that.

[Adam Carolla]

When I met Tea Sizzle, he was a young boy. When I met Red Rice, he was nothing but a little colonel. Now he's full of spices and plumped up with water. Get the Rice reference. He's a San Francisco treat. Rice ain't gonna be a treat for San Francisco come the Super Bowl.

[Eugene Mirman]

I say this, I say I've been

[Adam Carolla]

to San Francisco and I've experienced the San Francisco treatment is razzaroni.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sorry, I'll say this. I think that you mentioned T Sizzle. Terrell Suggs. Now, I like what I mean. I don't listen. I don't root.

[Adam Carolla]

That's the only guy who looks dumber than me. I. I've realized, I've told you many times, people think Brad's. Brad Pitt is smart because of the way he looks. And then people think I'm dumb because of the way I look. Tea Sizzle I think may look dumber than me.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, among football players, I think you could go Eli Manning, he's. He's got a kind of dopey quality.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm going to have to agree with you.

[Eugene Mirman]

What you like. Terrell Suggs doesn't look bright. You don't think?

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, that's what I'm agreeing with.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, I did what I thought was sharp was after the game, him running through the bowels of the stadium in Foxborough. Running like, enjoy the Pro Bowl. You owe overrated. Blah, blah, blah. I think that's great. Trash talks where it's at. No praying with each. With the, with the. With your foe after a game.

[Adam Carolla]

Give him the business.

[Eugene Mirman]

Give him what for. That's good stuff to me. So it is the Ravens now against the Niners. The Niners pulled it out. I expect the phenomenal Colin Kaepernick. I know we've seen running quarterbacks before, but he has. There's a quality to his stride. It's, it's. It's otherworldly. He looks like a gazelle because the long, the long legs and then he's got that oddball throwing motion. Really, literally. We've not seen anything like this in football. Against a more classic QB will be a. It will be a great matchup. What do you think, though, Ace and company about the Patriots now, what does this mean for their legacy? It's been eight years and in fact, speaking to those Patriots fans who can be very hateful if you put down your team, I issued a fact, a number without any sort of, you know, anything behind it, any sort of malice behind it. I just pointed out, since Their last Super bowl victory. When the Patriots play a team in the regular season, they are now, after yesterday's game four and seven. That seems to undermine this notion that Bill Belichick is the genius of all geniuses in football. Shouldn't a guy, if you get a second look at a team in the playoffs, shouldn't this be, I can now master you now you've given me film on you. I shall easily pick you apart now in the film room. And yet he doesn't. And what's further, 66 and oh, we're leading at halftime.

[Adam Carolla]

But the Lord's never lost. Yeah. 66 and oh, six, six, one now. Yep, yep. 66 and oh, leading at halftime at home. That's a stat you may not want to bring up if you're a Raven in that locker room. Well, what do you think, though? Fucking insane.

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, what do you think, though, about this, about this Patriots team now? They have not won. And I'm all right, I'll say Spygate, fine. It's been eight years since Spygate. It's that so far down the road, it's. They always are in the playoffs. It's not like the Patriots aren't a good team, but there's some, not unlike Peyton Manning, in fact, who gets to the postseason every year. You can set your watch to it, but always throws a bad pick, throws games away. There is something weird with this Patriots team that they just do not get over the hump. And now this idea that they are the titan, the. The dynasty of the 21st century, I think is. Is so far down, so far in the rear view mirror, we can't make that claim.

[Adam Carolla]

You have two teams in the super bowl without a Super bowl loss this year for the first time in a million years, usually someone has some super bowl experience, they have a loss. The Pats have lost their last two Super Bowls. So if the San Francisco 49ers win, does that make them six zero in the Super Bowl? Because the Pats are.500 in the Super bowl, right? I mean, are they three and three,

[Eugene Mirman]

three and two, oh, three and three.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. Three years in 85. You know, all this stuff is made for 100 years from now. It's not really made for next weekend or the weekend after that. And when you step back and you go, well, one team was six and oh, and the other team was three and three. The three and three team is sort of fresh in our mind. But six and oh, when you step back, that's. That's pretty impressive. In the Super Bowl, I mean, even your. Even your Steelers have one blemish in the Super Bowl.

[Chris]

Dave, what's it like to have your team lose a Super Bowl?

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sorry.

[Eugene Mirman]

Lost to the Cowboys and then to the Packers a couple of years ago.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Sickening. They both still haunt.

[Adam Carolla]

Has anyone. You. You were. You were talking about Harbaugh and the two. The two brothers.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yes, they are related. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Now I'm sitting around, I got a buzz on. I'm watching SportsCenter the other night, and it says it's the first time two brothers have faced off in the Super Bowl. And then I. Except for Tony Dungy and Lovey Smith or whoever, the. Whatever. And then I thought immediately, somebody must have made that racist joke a thousand times by now. Has somebody made that racist joke a thousand times by now?

[Eugene Mirman]

Prime time. Deion Sanders made it. And so did Mark Jackson, the head coach of the Golden State Warriors. Both had that one out yesterday.

[Adam Carolla]

I love that. That's why I think before I tweet

[Eugene Mirman]

you and Michael Irvin, I mean, that's one of your pals. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Michael Irvin is. Said he wanted to hurt me.

[Eugene Mirman]

He loves you. I told you. I talked to him. He says, no, he loves you. And Jimmy, I'm sure he doesn't know which one you guys are, but still, he's delightful. And 11 years ago, remember, we were in a restaurant in New Orleans. How life has changed, it's remarkable. Back to New Orleans now. And Michael Irvin came over to that table. Remember that? He came over to us. He was so happy to see the two of you and everything.

[Adam Carolla]

Is that restaurant or strip club?

[Chris]

Club.

[Eugene Mirman]

Maybe both.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, just because you're naked doesn't mean the people who work there are nude.

[Chris]

Could be a sushi restaurant.

[Adam Carolla]

You're not enjoying food at the same time.

That's right. We can enjoy wings.

[Eugene Mirman]

So, anyhow, yeah, I think the. I think this.

[Adam Carolla]

Now, who's going to be favorite here?

[Eugene Mirman]

The 49ers?

[Adam Carolla]

They are.

[Chris]

Well, Dave, you're going to find it's hard to believe that there's gambling allowed

[Adam Carolla]

on football by what, What? Two and a half points?

[Eugene Mirman]

That's what guys do. Something that you guys like, say, like you have to grow a mustache if my team wins kind of thing.

[Chris]

Dave cannot acknowledge the fact that there is gambling on football. 49ers are favored by four points.

[Adam Carolla]

Four points. Four points that started out at four

[Chris]

and a half and went to four.

[Adam Carolla]

It's going to move. I think it's going to move closer to the Ravens. I think so. I Think it'll get.

[Eugene Mirman]

Do you really?

[Adam Carolla]

I think.

[Eugene Mirman]

I think that. I think the Niners win that game.

[Adam Carolla]

I like. Well, first off, Flacco is good. He's not the old Joe Flacco. I mean, he's good. He's got some receivers. Anquan, can you guys have a good time?

[Eugene Mirman]

Imagine what he did. If I would have told you three weeks ago, fine. They would beat the Colts. If I. Here's your path to the Super Bowl. Joe Flacco. Go to Mile High, beat Peyton Manning and then go to Foxborough and beat Tom Brady. I would have said it's impossible, but I think our. Our perception of Brady and. And Peyton Manning needs to be revised already. It's been long enough. These two guys never win. They rarely win. They really are football's equivalent of Tom Glavin and Greg Maddox in the Atlanta Braves. Great regular season. But their, their style, for whatever reason, just doesn't lend itself to top tier talent. I think that's the thing.

[Adam Carolla]

Were you listening to Lynette this morning at breakfast? Were you under the table writing that down with that reference?

[Eugene Mirman]

I talked to her on the phone, okay?

[Adam Carolla]

Because that's exactly what came out of her fucking mouth this morning at breakfast. So Kaepernick is incredible because he gives you the opportunity to move the chains. Because at third in whatever, if he wants to run, he's going to move the chains.

[Chris]

He's a great pocket passer who can run well.

[Adam Carolla]

Who can run well.

[Chris]

He's not the one guy.

[Adam Carolla]

Right? But the point is, is at the super bowl, that's when you let it all hang out. So I see them converting a lot of third downs. But I also had this weird sort of fantasy that Kaepernick tries to run a little early and a little often gets hurt. Alex Smith comes in, wins the super bowl, and now we got a controversy for next season. Just like I said, Shaq, you remember this? When we found out that Tebow was heading to the Jets, I said, well, that's it for Sanchez. He's going to have a horrible season. It's going to. It's going to. He's going to have a fucking horrible season. And everyone's like, how do you know Sanchez is going to have a horrible scene? Because Tebow's there and you couldn't have it where Sanchez was just playing lights out ball and no one was saying get Tebow in the game or anything. Sanchez had a horrific season.

[Dave Damaschek]

Right?

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, he just. While they. They went all in, they basically said, Sanchez is our guy. But Tim Tebow's here too. We'll work him in. Either you're going to rise to that challenge, or you're going to crumble. And it was apparent very early that Sanchez was falling into the latter category. What the jets and all teams with bad QBs need to do is they need to whisper to these crummy QBs and say, hey, the template has been given. Last year, Eli Manning announced in the summertime, hey, I'm elite. Then he wins the super bowl this year. Joe Flacco, preseason hey, I'm the best quarterback in the NFL. We laughed and we laughed. Now he's in the Super Bowl. Hey, Sanchez and Romo start going, I'm number one.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm number one.

[Eugene Mirman]

It works. Apparently.

[Adam Carolla]

I'll tell you who's number one. Stamps.com.

[Eugene Mirman]

nicely done.

[Adam Carolla]

Postage rates changing every day. Like Bob Dylan used to say, the postage rates, they are a changing.

[Chris]

It's prophetic.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Turned out he had his finger on the pulse of the postage change. The wind was blowing. He knew the direction the wind was blowing. With postal changes a long time ago.

[Chris]

Everyone's always trying to find the hidden meaning of Bob Dylan songs.

[Adam Carolla]

You're singing about postal.

[Chris]

Look at you cutting right to the heart of the song.

[Adam Carolla]

And they're talking to him like, why don't you sing about the Vietnam War or something? It's like, nah, it's a bigger issue.

[Chris]

This affects us all, man.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that'll be. That'll be in our. That'll be. That'll be in our rearview mirror of life. But postal, postal, the stamps, that's never gonna go away. Us. Oh, wait a minute. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Where do we live? We live near the mountain. Stamps.com stamps.com youm get the US postage and you can print it right out of your own computer and you never have to go anywhere. Stamps.com automatically updates the postage rates. It's smart. It's like having a little mini computer inside of your compuh.

[Eugene Mirman]

Wait a minute.

[Adam Carolla]

This is one big computer. Okay, stamps.com, everyone, they got a special offer so you don't go to the post office. You know the worst post office is the one on the mountain. I needed a Sherpa. I got altitude sickness. I did not plan for the weather.

[Eugene Mirman]

Laying face down with his bum for all the world to see.

[Adam Carolla]

Had to eat a guy from a soccer team. Special offer. They got a no risk trial. It's 110 bucks bonus trial and includes digital scale. 55 bucks worth of free postage only if you enter Adam go To stamps dot com. Right now, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter Adam. That is stamps.com promo code. Adam. All right, Shaq, let's bring it home. We got a little creep of the week.

[Eugene Mirman]

Creep of the week.

[Adam Carolla]

Hit it.

[Chris]

Bald.

[Eugene Mirman]

Creep. Creep.

[Adam Carolla]

Creep of the week.

[Eugene Mirman]

Of the week. He or she is the creep of the week. Quick shout out to put a bow on what we were talking about. How about that? Tom Brady, by all accounts a delightful fella, so on and so forth. Good for him, has a nice life, handsome devil, so on and so forth. But he really does get very, very petulant when things start going against him. He is the quickest. Anybody touches him when his team's down. Sorry. He really gets that cry face like nobody's business. And how about riding high with that spike? Did you see him before the half? Slid like Ty Cobb. Yeah, Into. Into a black second baseman. I mean, really flew. Went in high like. I mean, if. If Indomic and Sue had done that, it would be a scandal for a fortnight. Tom Brady does it. No flag. It's fine for him to just slide with his foot up in the midriff.

[Adam Carolla]

Whitey can go up with the high cleats on Ed Reed. The black man.

[Eugene Mirman]

No, I was saying the black.

[Chris]

I don't.

[Eugene Mirman]

I wasn't making that. I was just saying Ty Cobb, like the story.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I'm not gonna make this a racial issue, but Dominican sue, because we don't know what nationality he is. And if he did that shit to Tom Brady. A white man on the mountain, sliding with the cleats up high. Legs Akimbo. That'd be a good name for a wide receiver out of Fresno State. This guy runs a four two seven, Lake Zakimbo combines.

[Eugene Mirman]

Who is the other guy?

[Adam Carolla]

The vigorous lover.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, yeah, the vigorous lover.

[Adam Carolla]

But he plays a slot.

[Eugene Mirman]

People have been tweeting me that you have a new one.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I have. I have Librarian Booker. He's a student. He studies the game. He doesn't have the speed that Legs Akimbo has, but he's a student. Runs tight routes.

[Chris]

Possession receiver.

[Adam Carolla]

Possession type receiver.

[Eugene Mirman]

Librarian Booker.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right.

[Eugene Mirman]

What a receiving core.

[Chris]

That's terrific.

[Adam Carolla]

Legs Akimbo. All right, let me talk. Barry and Booker and Divigorous Lover. Those are the three. Three guys I spread out.

[Eugene Mirman]

Matt Barkley or whoever gets drafted onto that team is going to be loaded.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't match up. You can't put a linebacker on.

[Eugene Mirman]

Pick your poison.

[Adam Carolla]

Legs Akimbo.

[Eugene Mirman]

You just can't Legs Akimbo.

[Chris]

He's too fast for a linebacker. He's too big for a cornerback. Figure poison.

[Eugene Mirman]

Oh, yeah, how about that? Did you hear that Tony Gonzalez played basketball? Thank goodness that that one is one that we won't have to hear ever again. Is that so? The only bad thing about football season is, of course, the commercials that go around them. And I think 2012 may have been the nadir of all football commercial having seasons they have achieved. There's a higher percentage of commercials that aired through the season that achieve 180 degrees the opposite of their intended effect, namely having me use their product. Think about the gaggle of people that are so repellent to Eddie Money. I mean, looks like. Do you know Carol Leifer, the old comedian? Yes, he looks frighteningly like her. I guess that's more an indictment of her than it is of present day.

[Adam Carolla]

I think if both of them were in the room at the room at the same time and you said that Carol, you look like Eddie Money and any money, you look like Carol, I think she'd be the one who would cry. That would be me. Nadir Zenith is the guy playing tight end, by the way.

[Chris]

Oh, he's the kicker.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, he's a kicker.

[Chris]

He's a European kicker. Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Pretty close to having a full roster.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Really filling out the squad.

[Eugene Mirman]

There are those. The beer commercial dudes. They're having way too much fun and are way cooler than I am. Who? You know, it's like that. That rock and roll bed behind them. Hey, this one goes out to your bros. Yeah. Not the ones you share blood with, but the ones who know you by your nickname. You know, I don't want to hang out with any of you. You're not welcome in my home to watch football.

[Adam Carolla]

The ones who are in the car when you get the dui, those bros. There's two dudes I'm tired of. There's a black dude and a white dude I'm tired of. I'm tired of the husky, young white dude with like the red full beard, but he's only like 27. But he's weird glasses and he's there and he's weird and he's, you know, Hey, I used to sit on this sofa when I lived in this apartment in the sand.

[Chris]

Eighteen years ago, when the Niners won the last super bowl, you were nine.

[Adam Carolla]

Doughy, doughy man child, but big bushy beard. Hipster, hipster white guy. Like, I'm in horrible shape, but I have a beard and funny glass. I'm Like I'm a big guy, but I'm not threatening. And then light skin. I'm sort of black, but not quite like I'm not threatening. I also have some weird frames and some funky hair. I kind of look like DL Hughley's slightly less threatening cousin hanging out at the table. I'm not gonna stand out. No Mitch Blood green in that group, you know what I mean? That guy. Like that guy to round out your. We need a black guy, but we don't really want a black black guy. But this guy will work.

So non threatening. Guys with glasses.

Yeah.

You don't like.

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't like a lot of them. And then there's the other one, the taco commercial guy who comes over. He's some fancy man. He's dressed. He's 25, but he's dressed like he's an English professor. He's got his blazer with the patches on, he's got a vest underneath. He sits on a chair isolating himself while his three chums go after some wings like feral beasts fighting it out. And he just tsks, tsks. Oh, so undignified as he eats his burrito. He's not welcome in my home to

[Adam Carolla]

watch football, by the way. We have a heavy set Jewish nose tackle called Feral Katz. Fucking like think Lyle Alzado, think Goldberg type, you know what I mean?

[Eugene Mirman]

Glad that you made the team.

[Adam Carolla]

Feral cats, that's a rarity. But the worst of them all.

[Eugene Mirman]

The worst commercial appearance of 2012/2013. I've struggled with this one. I've tried to make sense of it, try and figure it out. I, you know, I. I'm like you, Ace. You know, you. You put people on probation and decide if you like them. I didn't want to close the book on this guy, but I can't see a way that Pitbull and I can ever be friends.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I don't know what he's doing. I don't think we would be.

[Eugene Mirman]

The good news for him is I don't think he'd like me either. I think it would be mutual. But he.

[Adam Carolla]

What.

[Eugene Mirman]

What goes on with this guy? He named himself Pitbull. I recently found out he's Latino. I had no idea about that. Is he an attractive man? Why do women like him? What's his music? It sounds like everything else.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's my suspicion with Pitbull. I think I could go to a Pitbull concert with like 12,000 people in the audience, and I could just go to somebody at the Edge, like on one of the aisles. Are you here because you like Pitbull? And that guy would go, no, no, I don't know Pitbull, but my friend is a big pit bull. And then the friend would go, oh, no, no, I'm not into Pitbull. I thought you said you were into pit bull. And it would all just start spreading around, and then eventually there'd be 12,000 people going, I don't even know who he is. I'm just coming with you because I was being friendly. I was just being polite. I was being. I was doing. Yes, and with Pitbull. But you're not into. I'm not into Pitbull. No one's into pit bull. I feel like the same way about trail mix as I do about Pitbull. Once the word gets around the office, I think everyone's like, I thought you wanted trail mix. I thought you liked. No, I don't like trail mix. Oh, good. I don't like Pitbull. Good, let's leave. I don't know anyone who likes Pitbull or knows who Pitbull is, but somehow Madison Avenue decided. Oh, yeah, you know what the kids are into?

[Eugene Mirman]

He's it.

[Adam Carolla]

They're in the pit and he dance.

[Eugene Mirman]

He's always dancing around in not. I mean, I don't. Is he attractive in any way, Alison?

[Adam Carolla]

I feel like this is the first time I've really seen him.

[Eugene Mirman]

No. Oh, well, I guess you're not watching.

[Adam Carolla]

Face a total awareness of him. I'm just saying, if someone said, pick Pitbull out of a lineup.

He's only attractive. He's attractive in a I hate my stepdad and he'd never stop throwing up at this guy fucked me kind of way.

He looks like he's about 5, but

you know what I'm saying.

[Eugene Mirman]

I follow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, he's. Yeah, he looks. He looks. He's always got that scowl on, like he's mad at me. I didn't do any. I don't know you, you know, Cuban

[Adam Carolla]

or Puerto Rican or something.

[Chris]

I think I saw the Puerto Rican flag behind him.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, he's very pleased with himself. That much is for sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Look, if he sings reggaeton, all is forgiven. Or soccer.

[Eugene Mirman]

All you need to know about him, really, is he named himself Pitbull. I mean, I could name yourself Weasel or Cobra.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, labradoodle.

[Eugene Mirman]

Weird thing. You know what? Pitbull. I'm sorry to break the news.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm sure you would.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hold on.

[Adam Carolla]

Born in Miami does not help, by the way. And you write on the. Where's the guy from? Born in Miami. Wide open. Cuban parents.

[Eugene Mirman]

I see.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right, that.

[Eugene Mirman]

Well, listen, for whatever reason, I just don't think we're meant to be. Pitbull. No offense to you. I take no offense to it. We're different people, you and me. Or maybe we're too much alike. Either way, call yourself Pitbull or whatever. Holcomb, I got a new name for you. You're the creep of the week. Taste the blaster, creepo. That's it. I'm done.

[Adam Carolla]

Ah, nice job, Dave Damaschek. By the way, the Dave Damaschek podcast. You can find the football program and Ace.

[Eugene Mirman]

I know. I was remiss. I just want to explain to you because I got some emails, tweets and such from. From your listeners, and they said, what happened to the Shecky Awards? Well, of course I handed them out. I just felt bad. When push came to shove, I wasn't gonna drag you down on the week of Christmas to the. To the dumb Shecky Awards, but they were gangbusters, and I just want to. I don't want to pull the curtain back completely. You can go back and dig that episode up. I do want to tell you what won the big ticket item. The fruit of the year for 2012. I told you it was the most delicious year for fruit.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Lance Bass won it last year,

[Eugene Mirman]

maybe of my lifetime. Black cherries had a great year. Pineapple. As usual, the apple, always in contention. But congratulations to the white peach, the 2012 fruit of the year winner of the Sheffield. The white peach was delicious.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know how I feel about this.

Well, look, here's the problem with the white peach.

[Eugene Mirman]

I don't have one right now.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying this. It's a little like Internet dating, you know what I mean? You could end up with a fucking model and you could end up with a pig. It's a little tough. A super mealy chick whose pussy stinks. Do you know what I'm saying?

Not only that, is this a white peach or is this a really shitty regular peach that's pale and unripe?

All right, All I'm saying is Rainier cherries. I am 100,000 for 100,000. Never had a bad Rainier cherry.

[Eugene Mirman]

What about the Pit?

[Adam Carolla]

If you took. Well, I like to collect and trade those. If you took a Rainier cherry and just shoved it up your ass and popped it out, I would still pop it in my mouth and feel good about myself.

[Eugene Mirman]

Wow. So if the Rainier Cherry were a book, that would be the blurb on the back. That would be. I'd buy that.

[Adam Carolla]

You want a blurb for the Rainier book? Yes. I'll tell you what you should buy. LegalZoom baby. You can get your legal protection for your family, for your business. Legalzoom.com affordable solutions you can trust. They help the family business. You can get personalized legal protection and they've been in business for over 12 years. They're not kidding around. You can incorporate a business form, an llc. How about a will? How about a living Trust? [e-mail] LegalZoom is not a law firm. You can get self help services at your specific direction or you can speak to a legal plan attorney to get your questions answered and get ongoing advice before another year passes. Cross a couple things off your New Year's Checklist [e-mail] and save money while doing it. Enter Adam in the referral box at checkout for even more [e-mail] I'd have

[Eugene Mirman]

ruled the world if somebody would have given me that voice instead of the crummy voice I was born with.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. It would have been nice. All right, Nick Kroll is in here. Next, Dave Damaschek. On the way out, we'll take a quick break. Right back with Nick Kroll. Next, let's check Adam's voicemail. Hey, Adam, this is Chad from Madison. Just wanted to ask you a question. If there's a reality show about celebrities playing football, would you be in? Would you play? Answer. No. I tore my fucking meniscus a second time skipping rope, which is like barely moving, like when you hurt yourself. Hey, Nick.

[Nick Kroll]

Roll.

[Adam Carolla]

How are you?

[Guest or Producer]

Good. How's it going?

[Adam Carolla]

When you tear shit doing nothing, it's depressing. It's time to fucking hang out. Tell me about that Grandpa Corolla.

[Guest or Producer]

But it's a pretty aw. I mean, skipping. You were jumping rope.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, skipping rope is a. I'm gonna tell my kids. Skip rope because you'll rule the world. Because everyone can't skip rope. And so they look at it as a big deal, but it's not a big deal.

[Guest or Producer]

It's just something worked for Rocky.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a good metaphor, I think, for life, which is this. I used to box, and thus I used to skip rope. And everybody who trains boxing, not to be a prize fighter, but just to stay in shape or as a hobby or something like that, they're no good at skipping rope. So who wants to do shit? You're no good at. And as an adult, you stop doing shit you're no good at. When you're in school, you're forced to do math, even if you're shitty at math. But as an adult, you stay away from all the shit you're no good at. So you go to the gym and you punch the shit out of the heavy bag because you're good at that. And then 10 years goes by and. And you've been boxing, but you can't skip rope because you've never done it. I've always kind of been good at it, and so that's the only thing I'm good at skipping.

[Guest or Producer]

Until you tore your meniscus.

[Adam Carolla]

That's because somebody made me special shoes.

[Nick Kroll]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Not like for retarded.

[Guest or Producer]

You were punished for someone reaching out to you. Like, I'm gonna make you the cool shoes that'll take care of your equilibrium. And then it.

[Adam Carolla]

There was a good deed. An evil cobbler. I know it sounds cliche.

[Nick Kroll]

Cliche.

[Adam Carolla]

Evil cobbler.

No. The guy said, I make custom running shoes. And I went to when I was in Seattle. It's a great interview I'm conducting with Nick Kroll.

We're really getting to know you, al.

Really getting to know Nick Kroll. And then I went to Seattle and he came out and he made me custom shoes. And two months later, I got shoes made for me and in the mail. And it was like I started living for the first time. I felt like Tommy where he could see. And then he starts jumping rope, I start skipping rope. And I tore my miniscus.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah, that's monkey's paw. That's the monkey's paw shit.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what it is.

[Guest or Producer]

Be careful what you wish for.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Very icarusy.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So no more of that now. I do it in flip flops. Nick. The show is called Kroll show. It is Wednesdays 10:30 on Comedy Central. Sketch series, which is nice.

[Guest or Producer]

I love

[Adam Carolla]

sketch. Done right is so good and done wrong. I guess it's a lot like omelets.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

They can be so good and so bad at the same time.

[Guest or Producer]

It depends on who you're getting at. Like the hotel buffet. Some of those guys are gonna make a killer omelette.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest or Producer]

And some fellas, you're just gonna get this sort of runny, awful object because there's no passion.

[Adam Carolla]

They're not putting their heart into it.

[Guest or Producer]

Well, I will say this about Kroll show. I really put my heart into it. Gave it my all. But, yeah, we just did the first episode just came out, and it's been a nice. People seem to like it, which is cool.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm looking down your list of characters, and I'm intrigued by the Latin American DJ El Chupacabra. Jimmy Kimmel used to do the Chupacabra on the morning show on KROQ in, like, 19.

[Guest or Producer]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

When the Chupacabra, which sounds great, just means goat sucker.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's like the least imaginative name for a mythical being. It's cool for us, but if you speak Spanish, it's just called Goat sucker. You guys couldn't put 10 minutes into this fucking thing.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah, but it's that Latin American boogeyman that goes and sucks the blood out of goats at night. And so I came up with that character and then was like, well, that feels about, like, a good name. Some fictional. There he is.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. What does Chupacabra DJ sound like?

[Guest or Producer]

He's like.

[Adam Carolla]

He's like, bievenidos, damas y caballeros nuevo. Uno, uno.

[Chris]

Boom.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, Nick.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

All you have to do is add a Budweiser in there at some point.

[Nick Kroll]

Budweiser?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

He has a.

[Adam Carolla]

You have to yell out that at some point.

[Guest or Producer]

He has a catchphrase. Whenever. He'll finish a sentence and be like,

[Adam Carolla]

all right, we got a goat on the phone. What's up, you stupid goat? I'm a goat. Coco Rico. Coco Rico.

[Guest or Producer]

Doesn't really make any sense, but let

[Adam Carolla]

me ask you this about Hispanic folk. I feel like they're missing the you're on my last nerve gene. With their color palette, their morning radio shows and their music. Aren't they ever hungover or annoyed? I fucking every. Once in a blue moon, I'll not. Once in a blue moon, I'll just be skimming past the stations at 6:30 in the morning when I'm driving to the coast or something, and I'll hit that morning show and that fucking accordion music is blaring, and the guy's fucking screaming about Budweiser and there's a horn in the background. You're right, though.

What do they do when they're hungover?

Maybe they're never not drunk.

[Guest or Producer]

I think it's just hair and the dog.

[Adam Carolla]

They just get right back at it.

I think it's like more Sabado gigante.

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

I was just down in Peru over Christmas and New Year's, and the radio sounded the same, which I was like,

[Adam Carolla]

oh, wow, look at that. It's literally the same, right Not a good sign.

[Guest or Producer]

Minus the polka. That weird accordion polka.

[Adam Carolla]

That is ranchera. Yeah, yeah. It is the most fucking annoying grading music. I, I. Do you have it ball, Brian? Because I will tell you how.

[Chris]

Being that it is annoying and grading, I was holding off on trying to play it.

[Adam Carolla]

I will, I will, I will do my. I will do my impersonation of me during every remodel I've done. When I've driven to the job site at like 8:45 in the morning before I have to then go into work and write and do whatever. Here's what it sounds like. Now. Come on, bruh. Gotta find something.

[Chris]

Here's what a gringo I am. I just typed in Mexico ranchero and just play whatever comes up.

[Adam Carolla]

Here's what it sounds like. That's the radio playing in the background. All right, listen, Ozzy, the, the schedule on the shear wall nailing is all off. It's supposed to be 6 in the field and 12 on the seams. And you're not, you're supposed to use. Okay, you're supposed to use ring shank. You don't use eight penny sinkers. Use ten penny ring shank. But someone shut the music. Someone shut the music. I can't fucking form a thought. I can't form a thought. I cannot form a cohesive. I'm gonna shoot that radio with the nail gun. I can't fucking face. Yes. And then I start thinking about their space program and I realize, wait a minute. Perhaps there's a connection here. It's made to annoy and grind and grate and that shit at like 6:45 in the morning is a thousand leads.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah, they come at you. But it's funny because they'll have those kind of shows. But then in the afternoon there's like a. It's almost like there's moments on a. There's a drive time show that I listen that's almost like Loveline but with like eight dudes all like. Like a woman being like, my husband's being unfaithful to me and stuff like that. And then, and there's a woman there and then there's a bunch of dudes in. But it's like, look.

[Adam Carolla]

And this is, it does this.

[Guest or Producer]

It's like the most ridiculous voice giving incredibly real advice about love and loss is.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm gonna put you on the spot here. Is there such a thing as a Mexican dj? Ira Glass? Do they have like one fucking calm guy over there who just wants to talk and stone.

[Guest or Producer]

We have a very interesting day

[Nick Kroll]

in

[Adam Carolla]

Act 1 we meet a person. Is there just one Huell Howser or IRA Glass in all of Mexico? That's all I'm saying.

[Nick Kroll]

We'll work on it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, you shouldn't work. I feel like it's all there to annoy me.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

It's all just getting me to run as fast as you can.

[Guest or Producer]

Speaking of annoying, I was looking at your trophy there, the Catholic Big Brother Star award. What I noticed is you start talking about and I grabbed it right before it came away behind it. I don't know if you know what's behind it, but it says security camera in use is what is right behind your broken trophy.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

So literally someone.

[Adam Carolla]

That sign got put there after the trophy was broken. Unfortunately, I was like, wow, that's balls. I don't think I have. I don't have a great track record with trophies because that big, heavy, fat, black. Sorry, black. That big heavy glass cup. I don't know where my mind's at. In the back there showed up. I'll show you a picture of it. We'll dig that picture up somewhere. But it showed up in a box in a million pieces. That's pre broken. Yeah, pre broken. I just opened it up. It was a trophy that had already been. Like I was at a Jewish wedding or something. Somebody just had already stepped on my trophy. Yes.

If I made trophies, I think I wouldn't make them out of glass.

It seems there's the first version of my Toyota Grand Prix trophy that showed up. Things that are easily breakable and then immediately turn into weapons are probably not a great high percentage choice in whatever you make. Like even if you just make light bulbs, shoes or anything. Well, it breaks very easily and quickly becomes a weapon.

[Guest or Producer]

We've given you a pane of glass. That's your award, isn't it?

[Adam Carolla]

Right, right.

A shard.

[Guest or Producer]

Why does glass have to ride on the outside of trucks? Doesn't it see, have you seen that?

[Nick Kroll]

How they.

[Guest or Producer]

Obviously it's because it'll more likely to break inside. I think that would be the logical.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. The glass truck is its own dedicated truck. It's sloped at just the right thing. There's a little indoor outdoor carpet at the bottom. If anybody. I'll tell you the weirdest sensation in the world. The suction cup handles. They use to do glass, which I've done a million times. I've moved like 400 pound sheets of glass with the suction cup handles and like three dudes. It seems weird, but you take the suction cups about 6 inches around you Plant it on the glass and you do this thumb thing where you go. It's kind of like you're jerking off a hamster. You know, Kind of a weird move. Not like when you jerk off hamsters.

[Guest or Producer]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Adam Carolla]

Like that same move. Then you start pulling on this handle and you fucking pull on it as hard as you possibly can, like you're lifting 400 pounds. It does not move. There's no drilling, there's no gluing. Literally just the suction. Like you could hang off it 1,000ft in the air and someone could pull on your feet as hard as they could, like, you would never come off.

[Chris]

Dude, I've seen Mission Impossible.

[Adam Carolla]

It is Mission Impossible. Shit. All right.

See, and last time this came up, I brought up the fact that anything I buy for my shower that has suction cups never stays.

You gotta do the hamster jerk.

You do. Or do you remember those toys? That was like a groundhog tug. I don't know if it was called a water weenie or something. It was like a little.

There was a water weenie.

Yeah, like a little plastic tube with water in it. And you jerk it off like you would a house.

No, no, no.

You know what I mean?

That's not the water weenie. No, the water weenie is the thing that eventually. See, there were these things before we grew up. No one had a swimming pool, it seemed like. So there was a whole bunch of. Go out to the front yard, slip and slide, water weenie. Like you'd hook it to your hose. It had an orange ghost thing on the end of it. You turn it on and it would do what a fire hose did when it was unmanned. It would just swing around. That's a water.

Yeah. No, what I'm talking about looks like a latex egg roll.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah. You'd hand it and it would kind of keep slipping through.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Should we get a little news queued up, by the way? Nick, hang out crack wise.

[Guest or Producer]

I will do my best.

[Adam Carolla]

The News with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's Allison.

[Nick Kroll]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip it, cunt. It's Allison.

[Eugene Mirman]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

So Obama's official swearing in was today.

Yes.

And a few moments that everyone's talking about. One, after the inaugural address, as he was walking back up the steps into the Capitol, he turned around and he said, I want to take a look. I'm not going to see this Again. And then for about 20 seconds, he just surveyed the crowd. And we do have video of it. The sound is not ideal, but

I'd do that too. Would you? Secret Service must hate this, though. Like, hey, let's have the black guy stand still for 20 seconds at the foot of the crowd of 400,000 folks. Just be a statue there. Yeah, like that. As a Secret Service guy.

[Guest or Producer]

That's far away from Biden, meaning Biden's gonna get through it.

[Adam Carolla]

Where the fuck is he? Yeah, don't stand still. Serpentine, buddy.

Do you. Do you do that in moments that you think this is something I wanna remember? Cuz I feel like to me that, like, I feel like a therapist was like, be in the moment. Obama. Barack is probably what the therapist would call him, but.

Mm.

[Nick Kroll]

Barry.

[Adam Carolla]

Barry. Yeah.

Bo, I. If we play a really nice theater. If I play a really nice theater, like the Moore in Seattle or something like that, after the show's done and sign the autographs and everyone leaves, I do like to walk back out and just stand on stage and look out at how beautiful. Because now the lights are up before you get the spotlight, you know, you can't see anybody. Can't see anybody.

[Guest or Producer]

You want it. And then to go back.

[Adam Carolla]

It's beautiful, right? You can see the beautiful tapestries and the beautiful work on the ceiling. And by the way, at the Moore, I think the negro balcony up there, which is something Barack probably wouldn't want to drink in, but the old time negro balcony. Some of those theaters are from the twenties.

[Guest or Producer]

The Wilbur, you've been to the Wilbur in Boston's beautiful like that. It's gorgeous.

[Adam Carolla]

Gonna be there on Saturday.

[Guest or Producer]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go. Negro balcony.

[Guest or Producer]

Well, if it were up to the people from Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah. Well, I insist. I understand there's no more thing, you know, negro balcony. But I insist that all the white folk up there call me my main man. That's my whole thing.

[Guest or Producer]

I think you could get them to do that.

[Adam Carolla]

I think I could get them to do that as well.

And what's your feeling on letting the crowd see you before you go on stage?

I don't like it. I mean, sometimes you're walking in, you know, you try to sort of scurry behind or whatever. Yeah, try not to. Bad luck. Like a bride before.

[Guest or Producer]

Well, you don't want them to see your costume either.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. He's known for his headdresses.

That's right. Well, I have some pretty elaborate changes in the middle of things in between the numbers.

[Chris]

The Donald Duck outfit.

[Adam Carolla]

Really kills spraying that on the other, especially in Boston. Yeah, yeah. I pulled a little clip from Obama's speech that bothered me just a little bit because that's what I do. Although I think he did a great job and he looked very stately as well. Here we go. We do not believe that in this country freedom is reserved for the lucky or happiness for the few. We recognize that no matter how responsibly we live our lives, any one of us at any time may face a job loss or a sudden illness or a home swept away in a terrible storm. All right, I hate this kind of bullshit rhetoric. It's such bullshit. First off, who's not free in this fucking country? Really?

Yeah.

Is there gulag that I'm unaware of? Like understand some people have it better than others and that will always be the state of this country. There's just gonna be some people that are born into better families with more privilege or look, it's as simp. When I was growing up, the luckiest guy I knew, Chris, his mom was dating a guy who worked at a paper mill and he was the foreman of a paper mill and he got him, it's a hot shot. He was a whatcha call player.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He got my buddy Chris a graveyard shift working at the paper mill where he got to work four 12 hour days. So he had a three day weekend and he'd work from 6am 6pm to 6am and he made like 9:35 an hour. And he was the luckiest fucking guy we knew. Stone cold player. Yeah, he was the Monopoly man because his mom dated a dude who worked in a paper mill and the rest of us went to work cleaning carpets and digging ditches for seven bucks an hour and we didn't make nearly the money that Chris had. Now he was the lucky one in our group. And then it goes all the way up to the Hilton family and we all sort of land somewhere in between. But this fucking thing of explain constantly driving home in 20 fucking 13 that you know, it's not an even playing field. And it's not, it's never going to be. Here's the message. Never going to be even playing field. So fucking work harder. That's it. I mean, look anyone, it's not an even playing field for Rudy, but it makes a better movie because fucking guy hustles his ass off and he gets

[Guest or Producer]

in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

That's all works out. Work hard and by the way, get yourself a franchise. If you have a job and you put some money Aside. And you have insurance, then, yes, you can be unemployed for periods of time and be fine. And if you have insurance, your house can be swept away by a flood. So, yes, there's plenty that you can do to ensure the catastrophic whatever does not affect your family. It cannot prevent the catastrophic illness or the firing or the anything. But you can get fired with a savings account that has some money in it that you have squirreled away because you haven't been buying bullshit on the qvc. Or you can have nothing.

[Guest or Producer]

But those Snuggies are so comfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

The point is, it's up to you. Stop fucking turning everyone into victims and stop talking about this fucking freedom for the privilege and all this fucking bullshit. It's just a shitty message. Just get the fuck out there and go to work. Everyone. And people who can't. Here's the only message that needs to ever be told in this country. Hey, people who shouldn't have kids, who can't afford kids. Stop shitting out kids. We will turn this into a utopia in 20 years. Very easily done.

[Guest or Producer]

Unless we can somehow export toilet babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Mm. Wait a minute. Is that that candy? The world's worst. I feel like that's a bad Asian.

[Nick Kroll]

Trans.

[Adam Carolla]

Toilet babies.

[Nick Kroll]

Toilet babies.

[Adam Carolla]

Beyonce sang the national anthem.

Do you know anyone who's not free? Who's not free in this country? Do we know unfree people?

[Guest or Producer]

I have a couple Mayans that I have locked up.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah, yeah, I got them in my basement.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you're.

[Eugene Mirman]

You keep.

[Guest or Producer]

I'm oppressing a bunch of Mayans.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Guest or Producer]

When the world didn't come to an end, I was like, you know what, guys? I'm still coming after you.

[Adam Carolla]

Before I started straightening my hair, I was a slave to the weather.

[Chris]

All right?

[Adam Carolla]

And speaking of hair, well, everyone's talking about Michelle Obama's bangs.

Mm.

And Obama said, I love her bangs. She looks good. She always looks good.

No, no, no, no, no.

[Guest or Producer]

She's.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen. All right, couple things. Oh, boy.

Let's hear it. Tell us what you think about her bangs.

[Chris]

Yes.

[Guest or Producer]

I think she's just riding the Zooey Deschanel bangs wave. You know what I mean? Taking a new girl.

[Adam Carolla]

Adorable, that new girl, isn't she? That's all.

[Guest or Producer]

She's like the quirky.

[Eugene Mirman]

She's a dorkworm.

[Nick Kroll]

Quirky.

[Guest or Producer]

Second term, first wife.

[Adam Carolla]

I think. See, I think she's gotta let her hair go full fro because I think black women are spending way too much time fucking with straighten. They should. All black women have to do you know what black women need to do? Black women need to come together and go full natural.

Just show Nick your hair so he knows where you're coming from.

You need to go natural. You know, natural, natural.

[Guest or Producer]

You got a beautiful kink to your hair.

[Adam Carolla]

Thank you. Thank you, my brother. Yeah, they need to go full natural, and dudes need to come together and stop waxing themselves in general. Yeah. Just go, Listen, I'm not my chest. Let it all be natural. I'm not.

Let's be free.

Let's be free. Let's be free.

[Chris]

Who can broker this ceasefire?

[Adam Carolla]

I think me and Michelle Obama can do it. No, but if Find me Cheryl, find me Shirley Hemphill from Good Time. Point is this. If Michelle Obama went full natural with her hair, she would start a trend. She would send a message to all black women. It's okay to wear your hair this way. Go. You know, sort of a. Okay.

Well, also Susan from Sesame Street.

[Chris]

So fetching.

[Adam Carolla]

Right, Right. Well, you know what I'm saying? But the full natural, full natural hair. And then you'd save the millions of dollars spent on products, hot combs, presses, and the thousands and thousands of woman hours lost every year doing the press. And then the whole swimming thing, which everyone thinks I'm making up, but I'm not making it up. Black women do not know their way around the pool like they should because they don't want to fuck up their hair because they spent so much time and money on their hair.

[Chris]

I'm with you. This is a trend that is waiting to be tipped. You know, going back to the all natural. It's like the first basketball player, modern day, the first, you know, Carmelo Anthony or whoever to wear. Go back to the short shorts. It's gonna be a huge trend. Everyone's wearing the big. Everyone wears the big baggy shorts. 100% next guy, wear, like the nutters, the super short shorts. It'll be a trend.

[Adam Carolla]

Chris, I think you should weigh in on this. Chris made a movie about this.

[Chris]

Ah. What?

[Adam Carolla]

I said, do you get to weigh in on this?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Where's your natural hair?

[Chris]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

All right. Anyway, I think she should go natural and send a message to all the beautiful sisters around the world that your hair is beautiful the way it is. Don't spend any more time on it. And let's just get out there and get busy. Thank you.

Alicia Keys.

Let that hair go.

The national anthem at the Super Bowl.

Let that hair go natural

[Guest or Producer]

to Alicia Keys as well.

[Adam Carolla]

You know. You know, you know what? You want to know what Reality show or what TV special I would like. I would watch a movie. I would watch a TV special called Just from the Pool, Dried by the sun, and it'd be every. I mean, there's. But believe me, Nicole Kidman would be in on it too. Wouldn't just be an ethnic thing. I want to see what everybody looks like.

[Guest or Producer]

Ladies don't like to get their hair wet.

[Adam Carolla]

I want to see what they look like. You all just go to the deep end of the pool. You go underwater and you come out, and then you just sit there and the sun just dries and whatever turns into air drying. Whatever it turns into. But you would watch I.

Would it be in real time or would it be time elapsed?

We'd have to time elapse it. But it would be like Alicia Keys. What's gonna happen? I don't know what's gonna happen with her hair. There'd be money going around.

I know. Who's secretly curly.

Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, you know, we talked about Katie Couric getting the first Manti Teo interview on her show on Thursday. The first Tele Manti Teo interview. And I think that Jimmy Kimmel was perhaps a little bit sad that he didn't get it. And I know Oprah's sad. Well, the reason, according to tmz, that she is getting this interview is because they share a publicist. This guy, Matthew Hiltzik, who is a crisis management publicist. And he also. His clients include Alec Baldwin, Glenn Beck, Ryan Braun, Sean Parker, Justin Bieber.

[Guest or Producer]

What a pain in the ass that life must be be a crisis management for those folks. Do you know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

We do a thing on the show, Kroll show called Publicity. It's about two publicists named Liz, and they have a reality show called Publicity, but it's all about, like, raising awareness about canine cancer and, you know, getting cupcakes with bikinis on.

[Adam Carolla]

Was it inspired by anything? Because it is so similar to that E show.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah. There was a show about two publicists called the Spin Crowd. And it's just the worst. I mean, these girls, like, oh, my go.

[Adam Carolla]

We spelled coffee today, you know, and

[Guest or Producer]

it's the most frustrating thing to watch.

[Adam Carolla]

It's the only fucking job where your guy got drunk, he threw his cell phone at a bellhop. It's the lead story on all the news. It's the only job where the next day you run in and announce to the office, like, great news. Two planes just hit the twin towers, and everyone just starts celebrating. And like, all Right. Let's go to Chile.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And there's like, high fives while people are jumping from burning buildings. Cause that does. The first thing is for your job is for something more horrific or newsworthy to jump over your drunken, debaucherous. You know, got caught with a tranny. Right. Gary Condit.

[Guest or Producer]

Gary Condit was psyched at 9 on 9 11. He was so psyched.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we will one day. And everyone completely forgets. It's funny because you go, what was Gary Khan? And then I go, exactly. Exactly.

[Guest or Producer]

Next week. Boom, done.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Whatever happened to Chandra Levy?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it's the same with. What the hell's her name?

[Chris]

Paula Poundstone.

[Adam Carolla]

Paula Poundstone.

[Guest or Producer]

What happened after that?

[Chris]

There was some weirdness.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, I remember her.

[Guest or Producer]

But was there an event that occurred 9 11?

[Nick Kroll]

Oh, wow.

[Guest or Producer]

That was at the same time.

[Adam Carolla]

Paula Poundstone had this, like, like, bizarre story about kids and sleepovers and young adopted foster mom and little booze and like, it seemed all really weird and sordid and literally the day she was, like, being arraigned or leaving the court or whatever it was, that was 9 11. Like, immediately all the polypound. It's just not.

[Guest or Producer]

I mean, we were coming after sharks, too. Shark attack. Summer. The summer. The shark attack.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Guest or Producer]

911 hits. And we forget about those.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. There's hammerheads and great whites just sitting around going, whoo. Got away with another one bullet dodge.

Go ahead.

No, speaking of the tight shorts. Speaking of the nutters.

[Chris]

The nutters.

[Adam Carolla]

The nutters. You want to go and watch a basketball game?

[Chris]

NBA.

[Adam Carolla]

College. Who's your college team?

[Chris]

Usc, of course.

[Adam Carolla]

Of course. All right, where were we now?

Well, I was just gonna say, thinking about the Paul Poundstone thing. It is so rare that women are accused of molesting kids. I wonder why that is.

How do they find that story? You guys are lazy. That's why it is. You know, you molest at 70%, $0.70 to our dollar. You know what I mean?

[Guest or Producer]

Who's the teacher? Billy Folau. And the teacher that when they.

[Adam Carolla]

Like a kid.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Mary Kayla Turneau.

[Guest or Producer]

Mary Kayla Turner.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was great because it was awesome because even though she went to prison or something, he was gonna wait for her, and then she got out and then they had a kid, and then. And it's perfect because nobody thinks about the husband. Like, there's. Could you imagine if this is the biggest news story in the world and you're the husband and you just gotta go to war, you know? And it's like you're working at Some warehouse. You're like, okay, listen, people, we got a meeting. I mean, you couldn't do it. You know what the guy did? He moved to Alaska.

[Guest or Producer]

Really?

[Adam Carolla]

Which is what you would do, right?

[Guest or Producer]

He's like, why do you look so familiar? This 14 year old fucks better than me.

[Adam Carolla]

I would turn into Jeremiah Johnson and just fucking move to Alaska and just live off the land. That's all I would do. That's all I would do.

The Batmobile sold at auction for 4.2 million. Didn't you drive the Batmobile?

Yeah, I did drive the Batmobile. There's a whole bunch of different Batmobiles. This one must be the original Batmobile. Yeah, George Barris, the guy made the Batmobile, the Monkees mobile, the Munsters mobile, I think, is really literally just down the street from us. And he's still there and he still has all these crazy custom cars that he builds for people.

[Guest or Producer]

Which Batman. But which Batmobile did you drive? Do you know, wasn't the Clooney the Nipple?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. This is. They're talking about the original Batmobile. And it's weird because everyone goes, $4.6 million for the Batmobile. But I see Ferrari California spiders sell for 8, 8 something million all the time at these auctions. So never.

[Guest or Producer]

Is that the guy who bought it or is it the guy who designed, the original designer?

[Adam Carolla]

That's George Barris, the guy who designed it. And George Barris is one of these guys. That's me in the Batmobile. One of these guys who I think I had a bit. I did a car show where I got the Batmobile. And the whole bit was. I was just gonna go to all. I was gonna go pull out in front of my high school and go, like, how do you like me now? And I was gonna go through pull in front of my first girlfriend's house to dump me and go, how do you like me now? Go to all these different spots and go, like, how do you like me now? And it was funny, but they fucking ruined it. You know what producers do. Yeah, yeah, you know, they ruin your ideas. Yeah, we got a great.

[Guest or Producer]

Adam, it sounds great. We got a couple ideas that we're gonna add into the mix.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, Right.

[Guest or Producer]

Jack in the Box. We're gonna stop by Jack in the Box first.

[Adam Carolla]

I had the greatest bit, which is I said, I can drive better legally drunk than a woman can, or an old man can or a teenager can. And so I said, look, if they were sober. Oh, sorry, sober. Yeah. Sort of implied, but I agree. Thanks. So I Said, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to Fontana. We're gonna go to a parking lot. We're gonna, like, set up some cones and shit. We'll time. I will first get legally drunk with, like, the Fontana pd. I will. I will do shots. I got up to, like, a. I got up to, like, a 16 or something.

[Nick Kroll]

You're thick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I got a fucking. I'm a heavyweight. I did, like, eight shots of vodka. I got up to, like. This is like 10:30 in the morning. It's a funny thing. I got up to. I don't know, maybe.

[Chris]

Oh, you waited.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe I got up to, like, a 14 or something. And I said, all right, now we time me through the cones and around the cones. Then we're gonna time the soccer mom, and we're gonna time the teenager. We're gonna time the old man. And they're like, okay, so the teenager is texting, right? And I'm like, no, the teenage. I'm drunk, and I'll get through this cone obstacle course faster at twice the legal limit than they will sober. All right, well, have the old man looking for a radio station. And I was like, no, that. It was like. Literally, I had to call. I had to go at a certain point, and they're like. And the soccer mom is distracted. And I said, no, no, they are trying to drive as best they can. I am past the legal limit. And we will see who gets through these cones faster in this obstacle course in the same automatic Honda. All right, so let's just say we put John Salley in the backseat, and he's trying to distract the soccer mom. And I said, no. And then it was like one of these things where we had to go into the car, shut the door, roll the windows up, and I had to explain to them, like, this is. This is what the bit is. And then if you keep adding this retarded shit, you're confusing the bit. And then you get that certain point, we just go, I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing.

[Nick Kroll]

Right?

[Guest or Producer]

But we got the spider.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I know John. I love John, but get him out of the bag. I know what I'm doing. And they just go. They just go. They just do this. I go, okay, listen. Okay, I hear you. Let's just get one witch on in the back. Never get one witch on. Just one. Just to have it just for safety. And you're like, do you not get the fuck. The crazy thing about the bit is it never Aired. They fucked it up royally and everyone's a fucking hack. But I did get drunk with the, like, Hawthorne pd, or I think it was the Fontana PD at the end of the day. Not the end of the day, but like three hours later. Like, we had to. First off, it was funny because we needed to pick up something where I just went and talked about an mg, like, somewhere else. But I wasn't supposed to be drunk. So now I'm drunk, but we're just picking up for another. Another scene. But at a certain point when I said, look, I gotta drive home, it's been two and a half hours, but I'm still like a 1.8, you know? And the guy's like, well, let's check you again real quick. I was like. And he's like, 0.05. Yeah, you're cool. We're thinking, well, it's a little buzz. But his whole thing was, you're under,

[Guest or Producer]

but based off of where you were to where you are.

[Adam Carolla]

You're cool. You're cool. You want to read that story? Oh. June 01. Go ahead.

In June of 2001, Poundstone was arrested for alleged lewd acts and child abuse involving her three adoptive and two foster children. In September of 2001, prosecutors dropped three counts of committing lewd acts against a child and added the misdemeanor count. They alleged that she had committed a lewd act on a girl under 14 and that she endangered the four other children, two girls and two boys. The crimes were committed between May 19 and June 6. Defense lawyer acknowledged that she had a drinking problem and that she drove once with the children while under the influence of alcohol, but maintained she never molested any of the children.

Charges were dropped September 13th. So that was the whole point, I guess, when the whole thing, everyone was reeling and it never happened. No one ever remembered it again. It just went away.

[Guest or Producer]

And they've never found the correspondence between

[Nick Kroll]

her and Bin Laden?

[Adam Carolla]

No, no. Obviously there's no connection, but I'm sure she was fine with it. How does this shit happen, though? Honestly, there's a part of me that goes, oh, you know, these guys, these lawyers railroading everyone. And I feel like, is there an instance when you would get like, I have three male nephews. They used to spend the night and sleep over, and we'd watch movies and go out and eat popcorn and have movie night. And I'd go upstairs and go to bed and stuff. Like, I don't think there's ever. It's impossible for them to go, like, well, he slept with us, but we just spooned. Like, how does that work?

I know. I think the only case where it was completely fabricated was McMartin. Remember that?

Yeah, the preschool trial.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

[Guest or Producer]

When I think about Michael Jackson, you know, people were like, you know, what was he doing? In my mind, he was so pilled out that he. Even if he had the intent to do anything, like, he was so weak.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

That there was no. Like, he was just tugging. You know what I mean? Like the waistband of a boy. That was the end of it because he just didn't have enough strength.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

I don't do anything.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't. I don't feel like he was in any shape to do any real moles.

Even in his prime.

Not even in his prime. Well, first off, look, it's one of these things where we were just talking about, like, mantao teo or whatever. That's a guy you don't want molesting you. You know what I mean?

[Guest or Producer]

Guy who can bench, like, 300, can put it up without an issue.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah. If he's squatting 700 pounds and runs a 4. 4. 4, you want. But Michael. Michael, I just feel like a. He's the King of Pop. I mean, so there's got to be an element of flattering. Well, an element.

You could be molested by worse.

Well, you have, like, look, you ever see the movie Tommy? You have, like, drunken uncle molested. Like, there's a lot of guys that smell of Schlitz and cigarettes that, like, razor stubble. You know what I mean?

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah. And there's, like, there's a.

[Nick Kroll]

There.

[Guest or Producer]

Every year, there are, like, three guys who go to the Heisman. Go to New York for the Heisman. It's like, every year. But there's only one. Like, there's only Thriller.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's right. There's only one off the wall.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree with Nick.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

100%.

[Guest or Producer]

You agree that we would both let Michael Jackson molest us?

[Adam Carolla]

I would, like. I would have a moment. Like, if the King of Pop was molesting me, I would have a moment of, like, this can be pretty good story and possibly lucrative. Like, I might get a giraffe out of this deal like my own that I could ride to school. You know what I mean?

Actually, I had a huge crush on Michael.

[Nick Kroll]

Accent.

[Adam Carolla]

There you go.

One of my first big crushes.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I was 8, and I was going to Knott's Berry Farm, and I had this thing where this badge maker where you could make little buttons. And I made all these homemade I love Michael Jackson buttons and wore them. I was this super fat, dorky kid who loved Michael Jackson with homemade buttons. And I got there, and all the other girls my age who are cool had actual buttons that said how much they love Michael Jackson. And I just felt so late to the party.

[Chris]

You sure know how to pick him.

[Adam Carolla]

It'd be weird to.

[Chris]

Huh?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, I remember someone told me that he was gay. And it, like, it broke my little heart.

[Chris]

But media radio still in the Jackson 5, though.

[Adam Carolla]

We were talking about, like, the cleanup. The cleanup publicists, like, the emergency publicist. Like, those guys, you know, like, when he's like, who's Mike taking to the Grammys? Taking Brooke Shields. Oh, all right.

[Guest or Producer]

There you go.

[Adam Carolla]

That's good. And then next year, it's like taking Macaulay Culkin and Webster and a chimp. And they must be like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. No. God damn it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Get him some beer, Chick. Something Bubbles should have been. What's Morgan Fairchild doing? Like, can you fucking just stand next to him in a picture? Do we have to have fucking Macaulay Culkin and Webster on his shoulders? And a chimp.

[Chris]

Corey Feldman's available.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Skrillex, Alfonso.

No, no, no, no, no. I need a woman. I need something with tits on. That's not a primate. You know what I'm saying?

[Guest or Producer]

Lily Tomlinson.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, good enough.

A Glendora man wants to set the Guinness World Record for the most hugs in 24 hours. And he started at 11pm last night, and he's going till 11pm tonight. And this is happening at LA Live, I think ESPN Zone at LA Live. And it actually benefits Hugs for Wishes. It's a fundraising event. I'm unclear how the hugging benefits the charity, but it does. Cause it draws attention to it. And people are donating. Yeah, but he's hoping to have 10,000 hugs.

I'm trying to do the same thing with dry humping. You want to get started?

I don't know if I want to be first.

I've tried the record a couple of times, but I always come.

Like, do you think you'd pace yourself?

[Guest or Producer]

Get a check?

[Adam Carolla]

I get chafed and then I come and then I go into long refractory period, all shame and regret. I just want to eat and watch SportsCenter and I always fuck up my whole record.

So you gotta practice Tantric dry hump.

Yeah. It's like Sting could pull this one off. I don't feel like I could just

[Guest or Producer]

wearing corduroys and just getting it.

[Eugene Mirman]

That's right.

[Adam Carolla]

No underpants. Yeah. Corn starch right down the chute there.

[Guest or Producer]

More chapped than a sailor's hands.

[Chris]

It's an elusive record for a reason.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cornstarch down the chute so that when you came, it'd be like an old timey photograph.

That's exactly right.

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Dip it, cunt.

That was the news with Allison Rosen. Yeah, go to my PC, baby. Oh, man, weather's tough out there. You want to go out there and brave the elements? I didn't think so. Pussy. Nick, you want to go as the Mexican DJ when we're give us a little shot of the Mexican and work in Budweiser. Tonight shows is sponsored by Budweiser and an old pair of pajamas. So until next time, it's Adam Kroll from Dave Damaschek. Nick Kroll, Allison Rosen, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh, Dawson, you'll mop up. Yeah, go on, give me some of that music. And Baldbrine saying, mahalo, I hate my stepdad. And he'd never stop throwing up if this guy fucked me. That was Adam Crillo Show998. Coming up next, we have Adam Crillo Show1003, featuring Eugene Mirman along with Allison Rosen and Brian bishop. Also from 2013, O'reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man, o'reilly. Love these guys. Gonna get into it with o'reilly because I got a car race coming up in about six or seven weeks and it's time for prep. You want to keep your car on the road, you do it with O'Reilly. There's not many issues I can't figure out, but if I can't, I always go to O'Reilly. They've got thousands of parts in stock, either in store or online, so you never worry if you're in a jam. They'll also test your battery for free. And if it needs to be replaced, they'll help you find the right one. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you'll see the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are helpful and friendly. O'Reilly is your one stop shop for all things auto. Do it yourself. It's O'Reilly, right? Dawson Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us@O'ReillyAuto.com Adam that's O'ReillyAuto.com Adam.

[Dave Damaschek]

Bottom hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see. Just stream it for free on Pluto tv, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch. Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean girls. Shut up.

[Dave Damaschek]

Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Dave Damaschek]

And so much more. For showtimes, press Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so fast.

[Dave Damaschek]

On Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome Allison Rosen.

[Chris]

Hello.

[Adam Carolla]

Adam Tharolla.

[Dave Damaschek]

Welcome.

[Adam Carolla]

Bald Brian. Yeah. Stuff to talk about. Let's see. Eugene Merman from Bob's Burgers coming in. And many other things as well. We look forward to that. Lots of stuff. Let's see. Walking through the airport in Detroit, I saw a woman.

[Chris]

Were you walking or rolling?

[Adam Carolla]

Rolling. No, I started running after I rolled off of the people mover and then ran after a small woman with a full sized German Shepherd. Not bomb sniffing. Full size. She's traveling with her dog. It's on now. This is. You can see. And you go to AdamCroll.com, you can see it. The dog was just getting onto the escalator when I caught her. But everyone has a note from their doctor. Everyone has a condition, and nobody has pride or dignity. It's a game on sort of thing. Like, here's how human beings basically are. You guys, tell me what you think of this theory. We will wait in line. Like, if they're serving up. Let's just say we were all black and we all wanted to go into Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

[Chris]

We'd be so cool.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, right? I'd be wearing whatever I wanted for a hat.

[Chris]

Absolutely.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you. Yeah.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay. And we wait in line. And the deal was, hey, it's Saturday, it's crowded, and we're gonna wait in line to get ourselves some waffles and some chicken.

And it becomes clear why we have to be black for this story.

Because we're at Ross.

What I said actually sounded more racist than this story.

Why couldn't you just be black? Why? You're not comfortable being black.

I'm very.

You're gonna go home and take a long, Silkwood type shower. See if he can rub the black off you. Well, let me tell you, sweetie, you can't. I can't because I've tried.

[Chris]

She's the token white chick in our trio.

[Adam Carolla]

No. So there we are, waiting in front of the Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles because it's Saturday night, okay? And this is how human beings are. We got there we got in line, we wait, there's people in front of us. We're slightly satisfied when we look behind us and we see that there are people behind us. But the second some of the people behind us start walking up in front of us and taking their place, then we kind of go, hey, what's up? And then we start inching our way up and then we go. And then at a certain point, at a certain point we're running, we're running. At a certain point, it becomes every man for themselves.

Oh yeah, because we've been waiting in this line and those people behind us are not gonna get their chicken or waffles before we do.

So I'd like to travel with my bullshit dog with my bullshit note for my bullshit doctor. But you know what, I don't, because I have a little dignity and I understand it would inconvenience other people. But wait a minute now the person sitting next to me is traveling with their dog. Fucking next time I fly, I'm traveling with my dog too. And now it's game on. And as I keep preaching as a society, all we have is that quiet bond of, you got here first, you're in line in front of me or I backed into your car, I'll put a note on your windshield. When that is gone, it's gone. And then it's on. And it's on now.

So the only thing we can do is get bigger dogs to travel with

bigger dogs and better notes. There's not a one of us. And by the way, how much traveling do you think these motherfuckers did without their dog before they then had to add their furry friend to their lap? I mean, here's the point. If you never got on a plane, you never could get on a plane, and it was impossible for you to get on a plane without your dog. And now, thank God, there's something called a note from your doctor and there's a service dog and you can now travel with your dog. Well, now they're free to travel, but I see some of these 50 year old bitches, they probably been flying for 300 years. They probably logged more mileage than Hillary Clinton in their lifetime. No problemo. So how did you make the 14 trips to New York and the 11 trips to Hawaii prior to your dog being on your lap?

Late onset plane anxiety.

Yes.

[Chris]

You hit on something interesting. Do you think Hillary Clinton has logged the most air miles of any female

[Adam Carolla]

in the world in one? I mean, in a four year period?

[Chris]

I'd say in her life she Was first lady for eight years and Secretary of State for four years. She certainly traveled a shitload.

[Adam Carolla]

She'd been a flight attendant before that. Definitely.

[Chris]

And a senator. She's flying from New York to D.C. wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Probably the most air miles of any female in history.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. There's Amelia Earhart, but back then, they didn't cover a lot of ground. Yeah. So now it's game on. And people see everyone else traveling with their dog and they go, fuck it. I'll get a note from my doctor and then I'll travel with my dog. And now every time I go through the airport, there's somebody and their dog, and then there's areas where you have to go shit the dog. That's interesting. You should. At least that should be, you know, they should do with the. Here's the area where you shit your dog. Let the smokers go in there.

Yeah.

Because if they're gonna have the little smoking area, look who's gonna complain, right? You know what I'm saying?

Freshen up the scent with dog shit.

I'm just saying I like the terrarium for the smokers. There should be. That's where they should be. They should take field trips where they just have the glass and they show the poor people just sitting in there. See, kids, look at them.

Let's get to the bottom of this. Do you think people travel with their dogs because they don't want to deal with the hassle of boarding the pet? Or do you think that they just prefer to be with their dog? What do you think it is?

People now just think, what would I like to do? And the answer is, I would like to be with my dog. So it used to be I would like to be with my dog. Except for I'm going to the supermarket, so I cannot be with my dog. Dog. It used to be I would like to be with my dog, but I'm traveling to see my sister in Seattle, so I cannot bring my dog. There used to be plenty of I'd like to be with my dog, but the dog waits at home.

[Nick Kroll]

Remember?

[Adam Carolla]

Remember, like Charlie Brown? Charlie Brown didn't travel with Snoopy. Snoopy flew ahead of him in a doghouse shooting down. Bad example. No. Remember Dino and Fred Flintstone? Remember how excited Dino was when he got home?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

There was a lot of. Every cartoon and every sitcom had the guy returning to the dog. Your dog would sit home, and then when you got back from your. Whatever it was, then you would be, hey, boy, hey, boy, hey, boy, you're home. Daddy's. Home right now. People bring their dogs to work. They bring their dogs to. And they travel with the dogs. You see them in the supermarkets with the dogs. You see them in the malls with the dogs. And then people do this. They go, hey, asshole Adam, this is a stress reliever. These people bring their dogs to work. They bring them to the mall because it relieves stress. Guess what relieves stress in me? A blow job.

[Chris]

I just want to.

[Adam Carolla]

I like being blown. That. That relieves stress.

So there's no rule that that can't happen at work.

I'll go the fucking. I'll go to the Sherman Oaks Galleria and start getting sucked off.

Then I guess there is a rule again.

That's why that's a glass elevator, so you can all see my ass pressed against it. Hey, it's how I release, how I relieve my stress. I don't like the fuck you gotta

do, what you gotta do.

I like being sucked off. So instead of shoving my. Instead of shove my backpack under the front seat, I'll just shove this chick under my front seat seat in front of me, and she can suck me off because that's how I relieve stress. What's wrong with that? And who are you to judge?

[Chris]

I just want to know how they knew your nickname, Asshole Adam.

[Adam Carolla]

Asshole Adam. Yeah. So the point is we're spinning out and nobody sees what's going on. I see what the fuck is going on. It's not. I don't give a shit about the dogs. I give a shit about the sense of entitlement and what else it means. It's not just traveling. It used to be a. Look, sure, I'd like to travel with my dog, but I bet the person sitting next to me on the plane is not as fond of my dog as I am. And now it's fucking. Yeah, that person may be bringing their dog, and I'm gonna beat him to the punch. Not good. We need to reel it in. On a happier note, by the way, I was sent this jacket from Ed Milinowski. And, yeah, you know my plan of my water displacement plan. I've said it a few times. I'd like to get every man in America to just put his penis, his engorged penis, in a graduated cylinder. See how much water's displaced so we can do length and girth. And then you get a number signed to you, and you have to put it on a windbreaker and wear it for, you know, calendar year.

[Chris]

It's your volume.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, It'd be fun. So I got a Sweat jacket, by the way. Evidently, I said there's about 120 million dudes who would have to participate in this. Over 18 in male. According to the sweat jacket, there's 112.5 million. So that was a rough estimate. I was close enough. But anyway, I came in 23,116,305. So that's.

[Chris]

Hey, top 20%.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that's it. That's top 20. Not bad. And this is what it would look like. And people would walk around and, you know, you'd see guys. You'd find a guy who was just a digit or two off and you guys would have something to talk about.

Yes.

Don't act like you're not impressed.

Although. Would it be like that thing where you know when you find someone who's like, license plate is almost the same as yours and you get excited and they could care less?

Yeah.

Can you imagine if you met the guy who's won war or less than you and he doesn't care?

He's probably sucking up to someone in double digits, pardon the pun, you know, And I'm talking up the ladies going, yeah, but you know that guy, he can't eat pussy for shit. He's riding on his cock. He gets by on his cock. You know what I mean? He literally rides on his cock. He uses it like a camel. Yeah, yeah. So I was sent this lovely, lovely sweat. And this is. Again, it's my plan. It's the ranking. The ranking is it's not how much water you displace, it's how much you displace compared to every other American male and what rank you come in. And then we put that on the back of your jacket. It'd make for a fun year, really.

[Chris]

Well, for some guys.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, for a really fun year, you would not dread your trips to the DMV or the post office or what have you. It'd be kind of fun, right? Yeah, and it'd really be fun if there's any kind of reunions or any kind of. I'm gonna catch up with my buddy Alex, who moved to New York 10 years ago. He's picking me up from the airport. Oh, I want to see what his number is. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

Where are you headed this weekend? No, just meeting in the four digit club.

[Adam Carolla]

Good times. Good times. Here's a thought. I had this moment, you know, when you travel and you sit there and every the station, you know you're in a shitty. By the way, you know you're in a shitty hotel motel when you Turn the TV on and it's on the station. It was on when you shut it off.

Yes.

You know what I'm talking about. Because any chain worth a damn, it'll reset to the. Hey, welcome to Marriott. It's always good looking chicks and it's people getting massages and it's by the pool.

But it's eight years ago that they recorded it.

Yes. And it's all very ironic to me because I'm in town for seven hours to do a show. I blew in that morning, I'm leaving, I blew in late that afternoon, I'm leaving at the crack of fuck the next day. And I'm seeing, relax, luxuriate, enjoy our spa, couples night, couples spa treatment, enjoy our four star dining experience. And I'm just there to do a show and get the fuck out of there. I'm sitting in Detroit and I turn on the tv and every time I turn on the TV at the Detroit Marriott they have all their other exotic locations. This is literally a picture of my tv. This is the infinity pool in Cabo San Lucas. And then they got Maui and they have, you can skim through these things if you like. They have Maui and they have. All right, there you go. I guess they're having problems, but here's the other pictures, Diamond Head or something like that. And then there's the Sydney Opera House, but. And I'm just sitting on the edge of my bed just sort of looking at these Marriotts and they're talking about, you know, relax, vacation, blow off steam. I'm sort of looking at the show. I got to do that now. There's, I don't know, England and wherever else, Paris, they have all, you know,

better than where you are.

Yeah, let me give you, I'll show you a shot out of my window in Detroit and where the particular Marriott I was staying in, snow on the roof, looking at an air conditioning condenser

and that's their room with a view.

I'm staring at the roof of the building next to me that's covered with snow. And if you see the picture out front, the picture up front and it's equally as glamorous. The point is, do we not possess that picture or is there problems with the technology, things not working? Chris, is something not working, though?

[Chris]

Poor Chris.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's not working.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, it's not working.

[Adam Carolla]

We're giving it up right now. All right, well, anyway, I'm always somewhere between is it not working or are we not not going for it?

[Eugene Mirman]

No, he's moving.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay, the Point is. Yeah, yeah, glorious.

You oversold it.

[Chris]

I love the skid marks. As though people couldn't get out of there fast enough.

[Adam Carolla]

I know. Just peeling out. So I think whatever you program your TV for when you own a hotel chain should not be better than the place I'm at. I want to see your location in Beirut, the one in Benghazi. Like, I want to see that place. I'm fucking sitting there on my bed, staring out at the snow in the roof of the other building hungover and looking at pictures of Diamond Head, and I want to kill myself.

They should also show pictures of luxurious rooms that are smaller and shittier than yours in any hotel so that you aren't reminded that you're actually in a shitty room.

Yeah, you know what? Show pictures of your shitty competition. Show me what sacks of shit rooms they have. That's what I want. Let's see. Mike was with me in Detroit when somebody was thrown out of the show. The guy said, forcibly, four guys literally thrown. Four guys. Four bouncers threw the guy out of the show. This is my favorite part of life. Later on, when I talk to his buddies who were not thrown out of the show, and they want me to sign something to him, and I say, what's up? Hey, man, my buddy got thrown out of the show tonight. Four bouncers tossed him out on the street. But can you sign this man? Show box set to him? And I go, what'd he get thrown out for? Nothing. And I just know that's not how theaters normally work. Have you ever been in a theater, whether it's a movie theater, enjoying a concert or enjoying a comedy show where you literally were sitting there doing nothing and somebody just got you in a headlock and dragged you out?

[Chris]

No, but that must be related, Gene, to the woman who comes up to you after the show and says, I was the one screaming in the front row. It's like, oh, well, thanks for doing it number one and letting me know. Number two.

[Adam Carolla]

Heckling. You mean?

Yes.

[Chris]

Or square. Just going woo. Or just talking back or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Mike, what was the guy doing?

[Nick Kroll]

He was talking the entire show, very loudly. He was in the back row. People were shushing him the whole time.

[Adam Carolla]

I was distracted.

[Nick Kroll]

I was having trouble keeping up with the show because he was right next to me. And then all of a sudden, during the.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, we took an intermission, and after the. After the break, I just hear this

[Nick Kroll]

scuffle, and I see it's literally four giant bouncers dragging this guy out, and he was putting up a great Fight like a I'm on meth fight.

[Adam Carolla]

But he did nothing, everybody. He was just thrown out for no good reason. All right, well, maybe by name alone. Yes.

[Nick Kroll]

The people afterwards insisted that several times that Adam signed the picture to him. His name was Skock. Skock, S, K, O, C, K. And they were just signed to Scott.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah, his name's Scock.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, because his name was Scott and cock or something.

So you signed it anyway, though.

I never give a shit. I'm like, all I want to do is sign everything, get the fuck out of there. And I don't know. I've done stupid things too. Like, I don't do that. Oh, he got. I mean, I've had people throw punches at me and I'm not bothered by them or their activities or their actions. I think it's just low self esteem. I don't know. We were also. It was funny. We were backstage. I think we're in Detroit. Yeah. And we're talking to the manager and going, this is a pretty nice venue. And then at some point he said, you know, Morrissey's manager. Road manager's a friend of mine. I think he knows you. He said, hi. I said, oh, yeah, I know Morrissey. And I had, you know, those things where you. It was kind of reminds me, try to remember the names, but I'll work it out. It's one of these things. So I said to the road manager for Morrissey, I said, who? I like. I mean, I like his music, you know. I said, what kind of guy's Morrissey? Seems temperamental, seems weird, seems moody, seems artistic, seems whatever. And he said, no, he's a regular guy. Just regular, easy guy. He's good to the crew. He's nice, easy going. I go, really?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, yeah, he's fine. He's regular. I mean, you know, I mean. I mean, one time we went to a theater and. Cause he's vegan. And they were serving brisket upstairs. He punched a guy. But, you know, other than that, you know, she really.

So he even keeled.

Yeah. He's a really cool guy. And I remember one time I was talking to Ginger Lynn, the porn star, about like some other old porn star like John Leslie or somebody. But it wasn't John Leslie. It was somebody else. Some, you know, 80s porn star. The guy never opens his eyes. And I said, what about this guy? He seemed kind of mean. Like he's always slapping the chicks in the ass and tugging them by the hair. And she's like, no, no, no. Steve was. Steve's good. Nice guy, easy guy, friendly guy. I said, really? Because it always seemed kind of rough with the women. No, he's totally fine. One time he did dry anal rape on me, but other than that, it was totally cool. And I like tri anal rape. Like, that's. I think you're making my point. Like, it's like she said it. Like, he did use the entree fork for the salad once, but I'm not. I think he was confused. I don't hold that against him.

Maybe in the porn world, that's what that is.

Maybe. Yeah. It's just like. It's just a faux pas. So I said, oh, so is Morrissey. Yeah, Morrissey's playing. Well, he was supposed to play here. I said, well, what happened? Well, he was driving up in his tour bus before the show, and his name was misspelled on the marquee. So he said, keep driving. And he never played it. And you guys tell me now. First you go, oh, what a dick.

Well, after hearing what you go through with people misspelling your name, I almost.

My name was misspelled on the same. I think on the same marquee. I do believe it's funny because when you see the poster, it's street level. It's Adam Carolla, C, A, R. Then up on the marquee, that should be a tell where nine feet above, it's spelled differently. And also, if I was doing a marquee, how paranoid would you be? Would you just be checking and rechecking and checking?

It's kind of your whole. I mean, other than being able to get up on a tall surface, that's your job, right?

So there's a part of me that said, okay, Morrissey's a prima donna in a douche. And then there's a part of me that says, good. Good for you. Because whoever made. Whoever did the fucking Marquis should get yelled that because that will correct that guy's behavior for the next time. And yes, I do think it was the same theater that misspelled my name. So we'll try to figure it out.

I wonder if that guy still has his job. I just bet he does.

All right. Oh, Royal Oak, Right? So it's ironic that I was at the Royal Oak, backstage at the Royal Oak, and the guy was explaining to me that at the Royal Oak Oak, Morrissey's name was misspelled on. So evidently, they have a problem with their marquee guy. Their marquee guy is not marquee guy. It's not their. He's not Marquis, not one of their marquee players. So he misspelled my name, too. And if you pan down and we can't. But on the poster, you know, which they put up under. You know, those are big three by five posters on the glass directly underneath, it is spelled a different way. Why?

[Chris]

This is a sad Marquis letters falling off.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, the winter. The W from the winter fell off, but it is for the beer fest, so it seems like it's drunk. You know what I mean? Well, you know, like when they do. Like when they. Whenever they spell the word shock, it always looks like it's being electrocuted.

[Chris]

My favorite is whenever they have, like on Fox News or cnn, like, anything involving money or dollars, always the S is always a dollar.

[Adam Carolla]

Very clever. Very super clever. Clever. Never been done before. Right up there with the. Whenever they're talking about, you know, obesity battle, the bulge coming up next, which cannot mean anything to anyone under 40 anymore. All right, so where the hell were we? And where the hell are we? I should tell everybody. Amalfi tonight. Not if you're watching live, but if you're listening. Harlan Williams up on stage. Kevin and Bean coming up next week. Great pizza, man. They got a break. Brick fired oven. They got a brick oven in the back there. And you get a free glass of Mangria if you come on down. So we got that. Also, me and Dr. Drew making our way around town. And speaking of Dr. Drew, tell me what you guys think of this. We did a show today. Me and Dr. Drew did our podcast today, and we did it with Dag. And by the way, everyone's going nuts for the Dag stuff. Stuff and his show on Monday, and rightfully so. Just hysterical. Couldn't stop laughing. And if you like what you hear, tell a friend, man. Turn a friend onto the show. But Dag was in here, and they showed up before me. And I did what I do. I showed up two minutes late, and I walked in and I just noticed their cars and how they positioned their car. Drew's car was backed into the parking space, which. That's Drew. He loves anal. I know you thought I was going some efficiency route here, but no, this is nothing but anal sex. Dry anal rape. Dr. Drew in the hisy. Jamie Gillis. Oh, now we gotta find that fucking porn star. All right, we'll figure it out. All right, the point is this. He's backed in because Dr. Drew's schedule is crazed and he's just used to bang, bang, bang. And literally, he's Gonna save himself 3.7 seconds save you time. Well, whatever time it saves you, you lose it on the front end for me. Well, no, you have to back it in. So that takes an extra 10 seconds. And then when you leave, you save four seconds because you don't have to back out and do it. Yes, but it's more symbolic. That's my point. It's not like he has a busy schedule, but there's no place that he's going where. Four to seven seconds, the time it takes you to back out and turn around. When I say, and I really, I literally mean four to seven, not 30 seconds.

[Chris]

Well, depending on who you are. I've actually witnessed Allison doing a nine point turn out of our parking lot.

[Adam Carolla]

But Drew, Drew drives the shit. Is that Jamie Gillis? Yeah, I think it is. I think it is Jamie Gillis. You can find another picture of him by the way he drives the shit out of that car. And anyway, it's not a timesaver, but it's a symbolic whatever. Then I noticed that Dag, his SUV was parked basically in the middle of the parking lot. Not I could slide into his left and park in front of the door, but I wouldn't be able to open my doors, and I couldn't really pull into the right. It was the biggest sort of fuck you way to park. You could park. It was like, I'm gonna take up as much space as I possibly can with one suv. And I just started the show and I just said, I noticed how the two of you were parked. And I think it's symbolic. I think it means something. I don't think you just do that the way you do that. Chris, Max, Pat, I don't know if you have any of that, but I said to Dag, were you just kind of spaced out when you parked that way, or did you do that on purpose? I think we have as respect. So it's an announcing, I'm a big star. He takes up the whole parking lot. It's like his personality. True. Well, wait a minute. Let me ask you something. You asked me to be on this podcast. I did.

[Chris]

Hold on.

[Nick Kroll]

I did.

[Adam Carolla]

I pull in a parking lot that's virtually full, but you're not here.

[Guest or Producer]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

To me, that parking lot should be empty. Okay? There should be room for you. There should be room for me, you, and Adam. Yet every time I come here, it's full. But nobody's here. Right. Why is that? If you park to the left a little bit more, but there's five cars in there. Whose cars are those? Okay, so it is A statement. Whose cars are those? It's a statement. They're the underlings who I tell. The point is, all I want you to know is he was pissed that there are other cars. Yeah, there was a spot for him. It just a spot. He rolls pretty deep. There were spots. Just, you know, Gary and Chris and a couple of Matt was car. There's eight, there's nine. Don't worry. Nobody, nobody, nobody. They had. There's nine parking spaces and five of them were used, but there were still other parking spaces he could have used. The point is, he was pissed. And all I want you to know is I got out of the car, I started walking for the front door, and I just stopped and I went. There's weird energy coming off of Dag's car. Yes. I feel this, like crazy old women who stop in rooms and go, there's some energy here.

[Chris]

Somebody died in this room.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Like the chicks who wear the huge crystal who like into crystals and wear the big clamp on earrings and something like that.

Don't talk to them. When Mars is in retrograde.

I just. Right. I just stopped and I just paused and I looked at Dag's car and I looked at Drew's car and I went, well, there's energy here. This says something. And the second I brought it up to Dag, he was like, goddamn right. And I was like. I could literally feel it bubbling off the car. Weird, right?

It is weird, yes. Do you make a statement with the way you park?

Yes. My statement is I would like to not ding anyone else's door and I'd like to leave. No, I get here last, so I just pick whatever place. No, I try to go through life without making a wait behind me, but I'm super sensitive to other people's wakes. And I understand the symbolism of things more than everyone chalks everything into. There's so many people. Like, if I would have told a hundred people about the way Dag was parked, they'd go, he doesn't work here. He doesn't come here every day. So he was probably confused and he probably didn't want to block the door. There was a big rolling door, so he probably thought maybe someone was coming in and out and he didn't want to leave it there. And he's driving, having a big. Oh, no, he meant fuck you.

That's the thing about passive aggressive gestures, is that if you. If someone wants to not see it, they can. But usually if you suspect that it's there, it is. Like, my belief pretty much is that people are either aggressive or passive aggressive. And the people that are like, so nice. No, everyone has that kind of hostility inside them.

[Chris]

She's onto me.

[Adam Carolla]

Wait a minute.

Fuck you.

Hold on. I don't think that everyone has that hostility inside of them. I do not believe that. But I do think some people do.

I wish you were dead.

And when they do, we should recognize it. I mean, I'm not that glass as half empty. As much as I sound like I am. I don't feel that passive aggressive whatever inside of me. I don't feel. Or at least I don't have to express it through parking. If only the crips and the blood. By the way, you didn't think it could get worse than a dance off. Now it's a park off, bitch. Yeah, I don't feel that thing of I must straddle the line and take up two parking. I'm exactly the opposite because I don't want people to see me and go, what the fuck is going on? I'm such a weirdo in the what the fuck is going on department and the don't look at me department. I told you once I had you could. You can see my palm has got a big scar in it and sort of caved in. If you see this palm, if you see the palm of my right hand, you can see it's sort of normally shaped and looks sort of healthy. And if you see the palm of my left hand, you can see it's indented and it has scar tissue in it. If you look closely enough, you can see a very long L shaped scar where I had to have hand surgery. And I had hand surgery about a month before the Kobe Bryant Bowling for kids, you know, fun celebrity bowl off. And I had a cast on my hand for, you know, three weeks or whatever it was. And then they took the cast off and about two and then they gave me this neoprene sort of hand brace to put. Doctor said, we'll take the cast off. Then we put this brace on. That was two days before the bullet Bowling for kids. The fucking wrist brace looked exactly like what a pro bowler would wear. I accepted this, you know, invitation to do the Kobe. The Kobe Bryant, you know, bowling for kids three months ago and then had the surgery and then got the thing two days before. Now I was going to show up at the Kirkwood bowling alley with this wrist like a dick. Like I'm the guy who shows up with his own fucking bracelet.

[Chris]

This is especially hilarious for anyone who knows you, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So I don't want people first. I'm not a good bowler, so I'm gonna look like an ass wipe. I'm gonna look like a guy who's fat, but he's wearing the Cinzano team and he cycled when he's cycling on a Sunday. So I take the fucking thing off against doctor's orders and leave it in my car and then bowl with my fucked up wrist because I was so self conscious about people thinking I was showing off or being addicted or, you know, taking it too seriously when all it was was this celebrity Bowling for kids thing.

Yeah.

So I'm the opposite of Dag in his Denali placement.

[Chris]

Damn Corolla comes to play. That guy comes to ball.

[Adam Carolla]

It was black. It had the piece of, like metal in it. It had the thumb hanging out. It was exactly the same thing. It's. What's his name more in the Big Lebowski.

[Chris]

Yeah. Jeff Bridges.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. But no, the dicky one.

[Chris]

Oh, John Goodman.

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Chris]

John Turturro.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, John Turturro. Jesus. Yeah, Jesus. That's right. All right, so if you want to hear a little more dag in the parking story, just dag and Dr. Drew, because those guys pretty heady group over there. You can check out The Me and Dr. Drew show on Thursday's episode. Eugene Merman is here. You know him from Fox's Bob's Burger and tons of stuff Fly the Concords and all that kind of stuff. We'll bring. I think we'll take a break. We'll bring Eugene in next. Eugene Mirman is here. Good to have you back, Eugene.

[Nick Kroll]

Good to be back.

[Adam Carolla]

You know him from Bob's Burgers also has got a CD, DVD out and even of comedy in a fake underground laboratory. It is out February 5th. You can pre order it on Amazon and you know what to do. Go to AdamCroll.com, click on the Amazon banner, get Eugene's CD, DVD, and POW. Put a little wind in the sail of the pirate ship. Tell us about the CD dvd.

[Nick Kroll]

It was our special for Comedy Central that aired like a month ago. I recorded it at the Fillmore in San Francisco.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. Yeah, it was a beautiful tv. And now it'll be out available. There's not a lot of stuff. It's a cd. It's coming out.

[Adam Carolla]

What voices do you do in Bob's Burger?

[Nick Kroll]

I play Gene. I play the sun.

[Adam Carolla]

Did we fly to somewhere? I'm trying to think. We're on a flight together for Montreal or. That was someone else. No, it was someone else from Bob's Burgers. I was sitting.

[Nick Kroll]

Maybe John Benjamin.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes. I think that. Oh, that was Dan Mintz actually being told. That's right. I got drunk on the plane. But, you know, look, if you're flying first class. Yeah, it's like this. If you're at a wedding and there's an open bar and you're not drunk, I got a problem with you. And I feel the same way about first class.

Because you're being wasteful. Yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

Because you should try to consume everything you can.

[Adam Carolla]

You owe it to the person that bought the ticket and. Or yourself, if you bought the ticket,

[Nick Kroll]

as much money from it as you can, as much value.

[Adam Carolla]

I've never been more annoyed than sitting in first class. From LA to New York. And I sat with a guy and there were like, bottled water. He's like, no, no. Would you like a cocktail? No. No entree? No. No dessert? No. We have a Sunday cart. No.

No.

Would you like, after dinner, drink? No. No. Six hour flight. Nothing. And I just thought, I'm so jealous of this guy. I want to be him, the guy

who flies first class so much that even hot nuts don't entice him.

Fucking above all of us that he doesn't.

[Nick Kroll]

That he doesn't even want sparkling water. He's all set. He has his own.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, you came here from Russia as a very young. I did.

[Nick Kroll]

So first class is really exciting.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, that's crazy stuff, right?

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no.

[Adam Carolla]

Is there an element? Like, you know, you were young, you were four when you came here. But if you put your father in first class, would he just be like, I've got to consume every ounce of vodka on this plane. Otherwise?

[Nick Kroll]

No. I mean, we've been in America for

[Adam Carolla]

30 years, but he grew up in Russia. I mean, he.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. I mean, my parents, yeah, they grew up in Russia. But it's not like they don't know about. Like, it's not like they've been hidden in. They've been here for 30 years. They would be like, this is nice.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no.

[Nick Kroll]

But also, once you do it, it's like, yeah, there's. I mean, what you're describing is free ice cream. You're like, would your parents freak out if they had access to free ice cream? And the answer is no.

[Adam Carolla]

No, hold on, Eugene. I know, I know. You're trying to twist my words into sounding wildly condescending when they're only mildly condescending.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, what I'm saying is, is I grew up, up Without. I grew up with poor parents who didn't have any food. And so when I grew up in

the Russia of North Hollywood, I grew up.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. And it was like that Robin Williams movie.

[Nick Kroll]

Both Good Morning Vietnam.

[Adam Carolla]

I know improv. You're both right. Yeah. Moscow and the Hudson. No, what I'm saying is I grew up with an empty refrigerator, so it's burned into me. And now I'm rich, but it doesn't matter. If I get on a flight with free food, I'm like, bring it. Because I'm not. So I have that mentality. So it's not really. It's not like. Even though I grew up in this culture and I have plenty of money now as a kid, I have that. Bring it on.

[Nick Kroll]

I think I have some of that more than really my parents, who I think are just more like they. You know, they're not. I think they have a sort of old school don't.

[Adam Carolla]

What did they come here to do? And why did they come here?

[Nick Kroll]

They came here. They mostly came here to bring me and my brother to America, which is much better. A much better place.

[Adam Carolla]

How dare you? All cultures are exactly the same, except,

[Nick Kroll]

you know, America really is pretty good. I know some people.

[Adam Carolla]

Not better, just different.

[Nick Kroll]

You fucking hippie. Just different.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, we cannot change.

[Nick Kroll]

Anyway, yeah, they basically. Our phones were tapped by the kgb. Cause they thought my dad had books he wasn't supposed to have. So there was a lot of things like that that just make it better to be here.

[Adam Carolla]

I've said this about Russia. The most fucked up white people on the planet, right?

[Nick Kroll]

Definitely.

[Adam Carolla]

What's up with them? Why are they so fucked up?

[Nick Kroll]

I don't know. I mean, why would you. There's pictures of Putin with no shirt punching a tiger. I don't know why you would do that. I mean, I get liking masculinity, but it seems like it's at an absurd level.

[Adam Carolla]

Is it just because the winters are so brutal over there that it's like if they had some. And I don't know if there's any place in Russia where you escape the brutality of that winter. But, I mean, is it World War II where they all just got so fucking hardened? It's like, what happened to those people? Why that mentality? What's up?

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, I mean, I think that there's. There's sort of some people. I mean, there's. There's just a sort of. There's a cheery bitterness and then a bitter bitterness. Like, I know people who are like, yeah, we're fucked. And other people who are like, we are fucked.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Nick Kroll]

Like, there's those two. But it all has an essence of everything, of there being a sort of morbidness.

[Adam Carolla]

What is it? What is it like now? Have you been back?

[Guest or Producer]

I haven't.

[Nick Kroll]

I actually really want to go and do a documentary of going back, back, But I've never been back. I mean, anytime I've told my parents I want to go back, my parents are like, it's a lawless country. Don't do that.

[Adam Carolla]

It's ironic.

[Nick Kroll]

Don't detain you.

[Adam Carolla]

It's ironic that the Kremlin looks like Disneyland, though, isn't it?

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. I mean, they have, I think, in Red Square, my brother's been back. They have, like, guards that have, I think, falcons on their wrists, which sounds nice. That'd be a fun thing to see, right? Yeah, it looks like Disneyland, but with no freedom, where you can't say.

[Adam Carolla]

And everything is. Basically, there's just tons of corruption. Right.

[Nick Kroll]

I think. Well, there always has been, like, you know, under communism, there was insane corruption where you would just, like, if you worked at the soap store, you would exchange soap for good schools or whatever. However it is.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Nick Kroll]

And that corruption always, I think, remained. I mean, I'm sure sometimes there's. You know, it's gotten better. I mean, certainly for. However unfair it is now, it's certainly better than it was in 1965, and it's certainly better than it was in 1945.

[Adam Carolla]

So your parents basically brought you kids here to give yourself a shot at a life.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah. Because they knew that I wanted to be a comic.

[Adam Carolla]

Sure. They saw it when you were four.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. So they basically came here to give us a life. Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Carolla]

And where did you land?

[Nick Kroll]

I grew up outside Boston.

[Adam Carolla]

And it says here you're in special ed in high school.

[Nick Kroll]

I was in special ed, Yeah. I started in sixth grade. That's when they were like, I think you're special.

[Adam Carolla]

How do they have special ed anymore? And why do they even need it? And why were you in it?

[Nick Kroll]

I was a horrible student, and it's unclear whether I. You know, it's not like it was 19. You know, it was 1990 or whatever. I wasn't. I was never diagnosed with anything. They were just like, you're terrible at this.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Nick Kroll]

And it was unclear whether it was because I had a learning disability or because I just hated it and hated school. I mean, it was sort of the 80s, so it was like. I mean, people would. I mean, not as much in high school, but people would be like, you're a commie. You know, there was like that whole.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, yeah, that must have been really hard, the adjustment.

[Nick Kroll]

I mean, you know, in a sense. And I'd be like, no, I really don't like that.

[Adam Carolla]

What year did Rocky III come out?

[Chris]

Rocky IV.

[Nick Kroll]

I was at 4:85, but I feel like the 80s. It's not like there's a lot of movies where.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

But anyway, I hated school, so I was just terrible. So I was in something called Resource Room in Massachusetts, which was basically, you would go to a place with other kids because if you were at the library, you would, I don't know, not do work. I don't know what it was. So I did this thing for six years, basically from like seventh to 12th grade.

[Adam Carolla]

But did you end up going to college?

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, I went to Hampshire College. They tried. I graduated with a 2.1 grade point average, which. Not bad, right?

[Adam Carolla]

I had a 17 trying to think of Mike. You got my 1 7?

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, whatever it was. So I had to see my. I mean. I mean, my guidance counselor. I remember being like, you should go. He wanted me to go to, like, Framingham State. And I was like, that sounds horrible to me. And more of this. But I basically went to. Applied to a few liberal arts schools and went into Hampshire College, where I majored in comedy. Because you can design your own tv.

[Adam Carolla]

Did your dad have plans? I mean, he brought you over here from Russia.

[Nick Kroll]

You know, they were. They genuinely. I mean, I genuinely believe in the American dream. Like, they genuinely wanted me to do whatever I wanted. And they never. Like, a lot of my friends had to do math or some sort of, like, hard science. Like, a lot of immigrants that I know, their parents are like, no, you're doing. You're a doctor or a dentist or.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, we're bringing you here to jack off with your improv talk.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. We don't want you doing heralds. And my parents were like, if you really want to do a herald, you know, just go to college first and then if that's really what's important to you.

[Adam Carolla]

Was there a translation problem with me? And he wants to fuck.

[Dave Damaschek]

Who? Harold.

[Adam Carolla]

This is Boost.

[Chris]

What a country.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Okay, Yakov, there's my 175.

[Nick Kroll]

Wow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was so.

[Nick Kroll]

I barely beat you.

[Adam Carolla]

I was 479. I was 97 out of a class of 570.

[Nick Kroll]

Why were you so bad?

[Adam Carolla]

Stupid.

[Nick Kroll]

Just because you were dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I think I was dumb. Yeah. I think I was dumb.

[Nick Kroll]

You didn't try, you mean?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I tried or I. I tried on a test.

[Nick Kroll]

Not one. Yeah, 1 7.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that. Listen, listen again. That was only three years. I'm holding up four fingers. That was three years. And if you. I tell people all the time, I played football and baseball. You know, football in the fall and baseball in the spring, and they just gave you an automatic A. You know, just played football, just gave you an A. They were like, well, he's kind of good at football, so give him a B minus or something. They just gave you an A. So you'd have to take that GPA of 175 and back out six A's if I. I didn't play sports. And one could only imagine if you replace those with my usual Ds, and possible 1.1 probably would have been something like that. Yeah. So, no, I couldn't read. I had parents that were kind of too lazy to even make me a latchkey kid.

[Nick Kroll]

Wait, wait. You couldn't read?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I never learned to read or write was part of my problem. And I would have been a latchkey kid except for my mom never left the house if she had gotten a job. She was actually too lazy to make me a latchkey kid. She just stayed in her bedroom and yelled, freak out. So I was dumb. I just. I didn't have skills. I didn't know what to do. I just sat in class like a father.

[Nick Kroll]

When did you learn to read then?

[Adam Carolla]

I was, like, 31. He's still working on it. I'm working on it. But I learned to read later on in life when I realized I didn't have to read when I was doing construction and cleaning carpets.

How did you learn?

I just started reading. I mean, I didn't read books and stuff. I just. I would, you know, if they told me, or looking at Eugene, it's an awesome shot when somebody would say, oh, by the way, you've got yourself. All right, here you go. You know, when I started in radio, they go, hey, you're going to do a live read for Carbonite. That's right. You got to back up your computer files. Let Carbonite take care of it automatically.

[Chris]

It sounded just like this.

[Adam Carolla]

Carbonite backs up your files automatically and continually. So what would happen is they'd go, you got to do this. And like, you know, I work with Jimmy, Jimmy's best reader on the planet. So it's like he'd just go, oh, where's the commercial? You'd hand it to him and he'd just start, go, okay, I'd go take the thing into the bathroom, sit in the stall, and read it 25 times, because there's no goddamn way I was going to read this carbonite spot just sight unseen. I would. I would go. If I did something with a teleprompter, I would say, write it all out, put it on a piece of paper. I'm going back to my hotel room, and I will read it 100 times tonight. Before.

Were you memorizing it?

Essentially, it was a combination of, like, being so. Of some memorization and so familiar with the words that it really be impossible to fucking up. But if you said, let me just scroll the teleprompter once. All right, let's go. No way. You would have seen my finger dragging. And somewhere around 30, I was forced to do this. And all of a sudden, I found myself in these positions where I'd be doing things, and they'd go, oh, don't worry, we got cue cards, so you'll be fine. I'd be like, I'll be fine with cue cards?

[Chris]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

Holy shit. And then I'd have to be kind of, like, casual about stuff. Like, I know you got cue cards, but I just want to check on some of the beats and the copy. So print out exactly what's on the teleprompter and exactly what's on Cue Conscious. If you could just get it to me the night before so I could. And then I just sit in my room, pacing and reading, pacing and reading. Pacing. So nervous and so freaked out. Eventually, I became a pro. We use carbonite here at the. At the pod. That's right. I used. I wrote my book. Well, when Mike wrote my books, it's always so condescending. You wrote your book? Yeah. You did it yourself. Well, I didn't type it. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. So all the fucking jokes are nullified, ass wipe. Why is everyone trying to fucking take away from whatever you did?

Yeah.

Fucking new. Two New York Times bestsellers, and you wrote it yourself? Well, Mike typed it all, so.

Mike wrote to New York Times bestsellers?

I guess, yeah. If I was never born, Mike would have those two books under. Fuck you. Fuck everybody. Carbonite. Don't fuck carbonite. You can't afford to lose those documents. Mm. Unlimited backup for your. Oh, shit. PC. God damn it. I was on such a roll too, with my reading.

[Chris]

You really read that word?

[Adam Carolla]

I sounded it out. Unlimited backup for your or your Mac. Every sound in there for just 59 bucks a year. I think it's your PC or Mac. You can start. You can do a free [e-mail] use the offer code ACE to get two free bonus months if you decide to buy. No credit card required. That is carbonite.com offer code ACE. Yes. So sorry, Eugene. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't. I didn't learn.

[Nick Kroll]

Yes, people notice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, you brought that up. Yeah. Now it's funny.

You got a nice.

You got a Russian look, but a good Russian look going.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, a kind Russian.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, like the ones Sting would sing about.

[Nick Kroll]

I'm the kind of Russian guy Sting would sing about and be like, pretty pleased.

[Adam Carolla]

They love their children too. You want to hang and do some news with us, Eugene? And crack wise.

[Nick Kroll]

Totally.

[Adam Carolla]

I have a question.

[Guest or Producer]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

How did your parents know that you guys were being bugged?

[Nick Kroll]

Oh, my mom was on the phone and she was having a conversation. All of a sudden she heard a high pitched rewinding sound. And the conversation she had just had like fast forward like Alvin and the Chipmunks. And it's funny cause it might be. It might have been something that messed up or it might have been something to intimidate. I don't think they know. And they had a friend that was arrested, so they knew that people were interested to see if my dad had books he wasn't supposed to have. Really books. So he got rid of all the books that he wasn't supposed to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Like what kind of books was it?

[Eugene Mirman]

Four?

[Nick Kroll]

It was just the Fountainhead. No, it was. I think it's something called Semizdat, which is basically self published books, like where you basically mimeograph or type out books and they sort of get passed around in their journals and various things that for whatever reason, I mean, it's not hard to imagine what a communist government wouldn't want someone to have.

[Adam Carolla]

Don't.

[Nick Kroll]

It's just Batman.

[Adam Carolla]

And again, I'm on this never ending judgment kick. But I've always said, and I've always remember when, when Reagan called the Soviet Union evil empire. And everyone was like, what? You can't say that. They're no different than we are. And it's like some cultures are better than others. And the ones that bug their citizens and do this are not on the happy side of the good cultures. And the way you stop that is you point it out. You don't pretend like everything is the same all the time. It's not good.

[Nick Kroll]

That culture being bad doesn't make the culture like, we do bad things too. But it doesn't make it you know what I mean? Like, it's.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, also. Yeah. And the thing of you pointing out every bad thing this culture has done when there's still leaps and bounds better than the other culture is not gonna solve the problem in Russia. That's my point. All right, here we go. News, baby girl. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. It's all the sun, Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with zip it, cunt.

[Dave Damaschek]

It's Allison.

[Eugene Mirman]

Allison.

[Adam Carolla]

John Kerry is the new Secretary of state praising Hillary Clinton.

He looks. He looks stately.

Mm.

And he's been around.

More stately than secretarial.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Secretary. Forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. I like dudes going around, too. I think it scares some of the place. See, I want big, scary dudes to go scare the shit out of people that work that way.

[Nick Kroll]

You want Jesse Ventura to be Secretary of state?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

Or who's the biggest, scariest dude we have right now?

Well, Suge Knight would be nice.

Yes.

You know, because he just go. Because, see, I feel like some of these cultures. I know some of these cultures that we're dealing with, especially what I like to call the troublemakers. I know when you say to them. When you say to a Middle Eastern culture, look, we don't want any trouble, but you need to pull out of whatever neighboring state you're in, or you need to stop your nuclear program. When you say to them, we don't want any trouble, they're like a drunken asshole at a bar where you go, I don't want to fight. And the guy goes, really pussy. And you go, I just. I don't want any trouble. And he goes, well, now I'm gonna kick your ass. He doesn't care how many muscles you have. And if you're third degree black belt, all he heard was you saying, I don't want any trouble. And that's the problem. It's that culture. You have to go, hey, I'm gonna fucking cut your head off.

[Nick Kroll]

We should use Daniel Day Lewis.

[Adam Carolla]

Daniel Day Lewis, he would be. Keep the beard and the stove pipe out.

[Nick Kroll]

I think he would convey an intensity that was so terrifying, people would be like, we will now dismantle our nuclear program.

[Chris]

Yeah, you want, like, gangs in New York. Daniel Day Lewis is what you want.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, I think anyone. I think if he's pretending to be a crazy Secretary of state and he gets in his head, that's fine, it is.

[Adam Carolla]

You've heard, like, you could remember, like, during the first Gulf War, where, like, we're like, hey, Saddam, pull your shit out of Iraq or wherever he was invading or Iran or wherever he was. And then you go Kuwait, Kuwait, wherever you go. It's been a while. But you say, you know, pull your shit out or we're gonna do something. And he's like, you will feel the swift, this cut of Allah's sword upon your neck. And it's like. Or we'll drive some M1 Abrams tanks right in the fucking center of your town and kick the shit out of all of you. Because we're not relying on Allah. We rely on technology. And we'll get one of those C130 gunships and we'll just start carving up your fucking whatever shit Russia left over in your piece of shit country. We'll fucking shred it. So that's what we'll do. But they don't really understand that because we tell them we don't want to do it and they mistake that for weakness. So Daniel Day Lewis on Suge Knight's shoulders and a long trench coat.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Going in there.

[Chris]

Imagine this guy going over there.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

An 18 foot or like a 14 foot man. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Dang Gangs of New York style, though, with the butcher's knife. Bill the butcher, no trench coat, long, bloody leather. Butcher schmock.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. Maybe blood in his mustache. Maybe a very bloody mustache. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he just goes in there and says, dismantle the nuclear program. And they fucking know he means business. My problem, I got no beef with Hillary, but when she shows up in her pants outfit, it's called pantsuit or pantsuit. I don't think she instills, especially the dudes.

Not the Daniel Day Lewis.

[Nick Kroll]

I don't know that anyone has specifically instilled a particular amount of fear.

[Adam Carolla]

I want fear. I want fear. That's what I'm saying. Daniel Day Lewis on the shoulders of Suge Knight.

Choice. But let me just propose John Malcolm, because he can be very creepy.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. But you don't want to see Con Air. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Okay.

[Nick Kroll]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

Why don't we send the cast of Con Air Cyrus? Is that the solution?

[Adam Carolla]

Danny Trejo.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah, Danny Trejo.

[Chris]

That's right.

[Nick Kroll]

What's his name? Steve.

[Adam Carolla]

Steve Buscemi.

[Nick Kroll]

Steve Buscemi.

[Adam Carolla]

Send them all over there.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, Send a cast of. I think that is a fair. Make the cabin. Whatever the positions are that we.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get Fing Rhames over there.

[Chris]

He's in the cast, though.

[Adam Carolla]

Let's get him over there.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Instead of electing them, we could just cast them.

Yeah. The pantsuit is not stealing fear into the hearts of any of those guys.

Not in that pumpkin orange, the bloody smock.

[Chris]

That was inspired. That's an inspired choice.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, send them over there. Fucking scare those guys.

Speaking of actors, Ashton Kutcher will be playing Steve Jobs in the upcoming biopic Jobs. And. And he was doing research and discovered that Steve Jobs kept what they call a fruitarian diet, which is eating just sucking cock. Yeah.

Start off with a small cock in the morning, you know, side of jizz, afternoon, medium cock. And then the fruitarian diet calls for

[Chris]

nothing but a sensible cock for dinner,

[Adam Carolla]

nothing but black dongs for that very evening. And then, by the way, on the weekends, that's your cheeky day. As much ball licking as you like.

A question that is probably the one you guys are wondering too, but is it a banana and a side of jizz or like a banana in jizz? Because I would slice it up.

Whichever order you want is fine, as long as you get the right amount of banana and the right amount of jizz.

Yeah, exactly.

So it's on a fruitarian diet.

Fruitarian diet, yeah. It's fruits and then non starchy legumes.

[Nick Kroll]

And so Ashton Kutcher, non starchy legumes. That's a great band name.

[Adam Carolla]

This is the second show in a row.

[Chris]

This is the second show in a row where legumes has been mentioned. Yeah, we go for three tomorrow.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, I mean, I can make that happen.

[Nick Kroll]

Please. This doesn't sound very hard to accomplish.

[Adam Carolla]

So anyway, Ashton Kutcher went method and decided to do this diet and ended up in the hospital and said that it turned out that his pancreas levels were all out of whack and Jobs died of pancreatic cancer. So people are wondering, could the diet have anything to do with it? But I've decided no medical training. But I've seen a lot of medical shows, so I feel like I'm, you know, I can comment on this. That's bullshit. No, that's not why he got pancreatic cancer.

But still, yeah, eating fruit doesn't usually and legumes doesn't normally give you cancer. But the notion of my whole theory is we are godless, superstitious, and all freaking out on ourselves with these crazy diets and these master cleanses and all

this stuff that it's taking the place of religion.

Well, list. I'm an atheist, so I'm not here making a. I'm not making a pitch for Jesus Christ or anybody else, but I am saying this. When you remove from a society, when you remove war and you remove hunger and you remove God, we just start. We're like dogs that start gnawing at ourselves. Like, we can't stop chewing the same spot, and it starts getting more infected and redder and more fucked up. Like, we just start getting into these weird rituals that involve diet and stuff. The reality of diet is it's pretty boring. You eat a little meat, you eat a little. Eat some legumes, you eat a little fruit. You keep it balanced. You know, don't eat a tub. Ice cream every night. Get a little exercise, and that's about it.

[Nick Kroll]

You don't have to drink vinegar and, like, cayenne pepper and this thing of,

[Adam Carolla]

like, I'm flushing, I'm flushing. I'm on a master cleanse. It's fucking. I mean, how this shit caught on this, you know, it's lemon juice, it's cayenne pepper, it's stream water. Then an Indian puts a funnel up my ass, and then he dumps his in with a few drops of his own tears. It's fucking nonsense. Your body knows what it's doing. Just fucking eat sensibly and that'll be good.

[Nick Kroll]

I do think you might have done it wrong just from what you just described.

[Adam Carolla]

With the funnel.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

The butt chug.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Fucking. We think Drew was fucking with me

[Nick Kroll]

when he told me that butt chugging is real.

[Adam Carolla]

That's what I said.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. There's an awesome video on YouTube of a lawyer explaining that his clients, which were in, like, a Southern frat, were not butt chugs. And he just over and over says, butt chugging. It's the best video I've ever seen. It is the lawyer earnestly talking for five minutes about butt chugging.

[Adam Carolla]

And the point of butt chugging is because you get drunk faster and it

[Nick Kroll]

goes around your liver. So it's. Yeah, you get drunk fast and it's not.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, you circumvent the liver.

[Nick Kroll]

You would pass a Breathalyzer, I think. I mean, don't do it.

[Adam Carolla]

No, I don't think you'd pass. You won't pass a Breathalyzer. No. Because it's gotta get in your bloodstream in order for you to get the buzz.

[Nick Kroll]

So you going, but I don't want to find out.

[Adam Carolla]

Just putting it in your other mouth.

No, I think it's the difference between snorting heroin and shooting heroin. Like, there's a lot of drugs where you can snort cocaine or you can smoke cocaine. It's a different high. It's faster.

You could actually put it up your butt too.

Sure, I like that. I remember way before YouTube and I don't think it exists, but I remember seeing Ted Koppel doing like a news story from like the mid-80s, and he was talking about controversial rap group 2 Live Crew being arrested in like Dade County, Florida, and he was like, for their controversial song Me so Horny. I remember just laughing my fucking ass off. Like it was just one of those. I don't know why you have to put it in the teleprompter. But Ted Koppel's as earnest as he can say me so horny. It's probably good it was before the YouTube, whatever, because now that would be all over the place.

So here's a crazy story that is coming out of Orange county, where Gary and I are from, right by Hogue Hospital. This 75 year old guy shot a doctor in the doctor's office. They assumed that it was his doctor, but they're not sure yet.

But he had wanted for service owl.

Yes, yes. And the guy said no. And so, yeah, the deceased doctor is a urologist. And the guy who shot him had problems with his prostate and had just had surgery. And ever since the surgery, he was incontinent. And evidently he was very upset about it. A neighborhood.

Yeah, What'd you say?

[Nick Kroll]

Agreed. He sounds very upset.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, exactly. So now he's in custody and he shot. Killed him. Like he shot him a number of times.

Wow. I guess, you know, he was at a shit's end with this guy. But also it's weird in prison too. Like, hey, we got some fresh jerky in here. Well, you know, rules are rules. We have to anally rape you. What was the situation? Shot my doctor. Oh, okay, sounds good. I'll go first for constant incontinence. Oh, I'm cool. We'll wait till tomorrow. Yeah, we'll sit back.

Well, it's having to take a whiz all the time.

Oh, he wasn't shitting himself.

[Dave Damaschek]

Mm, mm.

[Nick Kroll]

Either way, I don't think anybody would rape a 75 year old man. I was like, unpleasant maybe.

[Adam Carolla]

It's just, I don't know what world you live in.

Maybe I feel like the diapers half full, but when I hear incontinence, I always just think of the guy shitting on themselves. But yeah, it could be one or the other. Or am I making that up? What's shitting on yourself? Fecal Continence.

[Chris]

I think it's just not controlling your bowels, which is your. Both your.

[Adam Carolla]

But it's fecal continence.

[Nick Kroll]

Sounds like you can't poo, right?

[Chris]

No. You know why?

[Dave Damaschek]

Out of.

[Chris]

Remember when Drew would talk about when girls would pee during sex? You called it female orgasmic incontinence.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, that's true. Yeah. Well, now we got to look down. But when I think old person, I always want to. I always just think maybe it's my comedic mind. Picture them shitting on themselves, pissing yourself. When you're old, there's diapers for that. Yeah, Yeah, I agree.

[Nick Kroll]

Sure.

[Adam Carolla]

By the way, I like to shame my son by calling it a diaper. My daughter does not have to wear a diaper. But he always corrects me and explains it's a pull up. Okay, Call it what you like. Semantics. That's euphemism.

[Nick Kroll]

It's a pull up. Diaper.

[Adam Carolla]

Diaper. It's a pull up diaper.

[Nick Kroll]

If you're wearing it and it lets you pee or poo on yourself, it's a diaper.

[Adam Carolla]

I agree.

There's an iPhone app, Adam, that I think is kind of honing in on your territory. It is called condom size. And what it does. Wait, do we need to.

So you need to say fecal incontinence? I guess so. The thing is, if you say incontinent, I'm pissing on myself. If you say fecal incontinence.

Yeah, you're shitting yourself.

Okay.

Phew.

[Dave Damaschek]

Sorry.

[Adam Carolla]

Got that cleared up.

[Nick Kroll]

It includes a gaseous release of feces

[Adam Carolla]

leading to an involuntary loss of gaseous liquid. Oh, wow. So if you're just farting up the joint, you could have fecal incontinence. Because I feel like that's not why

[Nick Kroll]

if you can't stop.

[Adam Carolla]

But why is it not?

I know a lot of people.

Urinal incontinence and then fecal incontinence. If incontinence is the act of expelling things from you involuntarily, why did we not put not urine in front of incontinence and fecal incontinence?

[Nick Kroll]

I don't know.

[Chris]

I'll bet it's urinary incontinence.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, maybe it's both. Maybe incontinence.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, we'll look that up.

Well, prostate. See, I knew because prostate problems only lead to urinary stuff.

Oh, okay.

[Nick Kroll]

You're right.

[Adam Carolla]

You know, since I'm a TV doctor.

[Eugene Mirman]

Hey.

[Adam Carolla]

But that would have been my last words as a doctor. Like Come on, you're not shitting on yourself. You're pissing on yourself. Here, let me.

[Nick Kroll]

I'm sure he tried.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

I'm sure there's no rational explanation for it, but I do know that surgery can feel very violating. And if he didn't know that this was one of the possible outcomes, I could see him being angry, not murderous, but.

No, but Also, when you're 75, you're like, fuck it. And now you know the problem. You know, I've realized we've talked about this before. It is, you know, we talk about all the guns and how are we gonna control the guns? And I'm sure this wasn't an assault rifle. Maybe the guy who owned the gun legally for 50 years, and now he went and shot his fucking doctor. So you go, well, how do you avoid this shit? And I have this theory in humanity, like I said, once it's on, it's on. Nobody broke the four minute mile for 80 years. And then one guy broke the four minute mile, and then everyone broke the four minute mile. It wasn't like monkey see, monkey do. It's just as human beings, you go, oh, you can do that. And then everyone started doing it. And it's like when you watch the X Games. Nobody does a flip on a motorcycle for five years and then one guy does a flip and the next year there's 15 guys doing flips. Why can they all do it? Now there's a part where you just go, oh, I guess you can do that.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, I mean, it gives them the idea.

[Adam Carolla]

Now we're kind of at the point where you turn on the news every night and somebody just walked in somewhere and shot one and you shot someone and you go, oh, I guess I can do that. Like, it just. It makes it possible in your brain.

[Nick Kroll]

They're also possibly reporting it more than they did eight years ago. I think now a few shootings make people report all the shootings.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, incontinence used to refer to a lacking in moderation or self control.

[Nick Kroll]

You have like a party. Incompetent incontinence.

[Chris]

You have incontinence sometimes.

[Adam Carolla]

Variations include fecal incontinence and urinary incontinence. All right, cool. And when I was 20, 29 and a half, I couldn't have written.

So anyway, this iPhone app, it's called condom size. And what you do is it allows you to measure your penis and then it will advise you on what kind of condom you should buy. And it will take you to Amazon so that you can Purchase this size condom. If you're always just buying big saggy condoms or ones that are too snug, who knows? But anyway, the way. So it measures both the length and

gauge girth, you have to, you have to factor that in.

And the way you do this is you hold your erect member up against the edge of the iPhone and use the inch or centimeter markings to obtain an accurate lengthwise appraisal.

[Nick Kroll]

And

[Adam Carolla]

it gives you a world ranking, which is how you compare to the average. I know.

What the.

I know. I don't think it gives you an exact number or anything, but there is some world ranking part of it.

[Nick Kroll]

85th percentile of dicks.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh my God.

I don't know. It just says how you compare to the average international length of the earth.

I will not abandon my tried and true method of measuring my penis, which is center of the anus. I know to just pass the tip. That's how I measure. Okay. And I'm not gonna let some new fangled technology come in and tell me how to measure my joint. For all I know, could be smaller than center of the anus to just pass the tip. I doubt it.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But I'm not going to take any chances. Once around the balls, center the anus once or twice around the balls and then just past the tip. And then I take that yarn and I lay it out on a yardstick and that's how I measure my joint. Okay. Two, three times around the balls, just past the tip, tip, lay the yarn.

[Nick Kroll]

You don't just displace like a cup of water.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, we're talking about that. Yeah, that. That was my plan. And it's so funny that I really was talking about this. Well, couple things. First off, you know, look, guys are doing this because they're wanting to do it because you know what size condom you wear, right? And as far as condoms go, I mean, they're pretty much like fucking sweatpants. Just you get, you get whatever medium or large you are and they fucking. I mean, nobody gave. Is there really anyone other than the super high? You know, there's, there's the extremes. There's the top 3% and the unlucky 3% toward the bottom. And then everyone else in between just wears the same fucking condom. So. But here's the thing. The iPhone is about five and a half inches long. I mean, you have one in here. Do you not just eyeball this thing?

[Nick Kroll]

This is like half a dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Grab a tape measure. But this is right about. This is right. A little under 6 inches probably outside of the case. All right.

[Chris]

So most guys need half this thing if that's what you're saying.

[Adam Carolla]

Right?

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. Well, it'd be about that wide and about twice as long.

[Adam Carolla]

It's 4.87, so it's 5 inches long. The iPhone is 5 inches long. Now the average. Average dick is about 6 inches long. So the girth part I get. But how do you do you slide it down?

I wonder if they made this app in China.

What happens when this thing gets a bug and it gets hooked up with the camera and then we just have

[Nick Kroll]

millions of pictures of the backside of

[Adam Carolla]

guys cocks and we just start posting it all over the Internet.

[Chris]

I hear made a movie.

[Nick Kroll]

Because that's what's gonna happen is that it cost money.

[Adam Carolla]

I don't know. I would imagine. I didn't download it. Cause what am I gonna do with. With it? I don't know. Carrots and pencils and things or just people's cocks. Oh yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

It's a service you provide where you teach the app in schools, colleges.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd have to like use a zucchini like the one they unroll a condom on.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, the.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, it's 99 cents. The. The. But then there's also one that rounds up for $22.99. I would get that app. Does it. I like the world. I like the world ranking. Is it a world? Because this is funny, Eugene. This is what I've been talking about for the last two weeks on the show, which is a water displacement test that all men in America, and perhaps parts of your former Soviet Union as well, would take. And then it would give you a ranking. And then you would get a number

[Nick Kroll]

where you would just like sort of dip your dick into a bowl. How would it work?

[Adam Carolla]

You'd graduate. Graduated sick cylinder.

[Nick Kroll]

A graduated cylinder. Oh. And then you would see.

[Adam Carolla]

You would displace one.

[Nick Kroll]

Well, you would do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But now we have that.

[Nick Kroll]

We have this.

[Adam Carolla]

We have this.

I think yours is still better, though. It's more accurate.

Yeah.

It doesn't rely on the individual because you'd have people who were.

What is their database, by the way? It's not like everyone has their cock measurement on file. It's anyone who's ever done it. This thing.

[Nick Kroll]

All the weird people around the world who took a picture. Picture with their phone, with their dick.

[Adam Carolla]

I would argue to a certain degree though, you're not going to want to take this test because this is.

It'll post it to Facebook.

[Nick Kroll]

This is like it automatically Uploads.

[Adam Carolla]

No, no, no, no. Not for that reason. That's cool. No. Here's why I don't want to take this test. It's like saying, well, what's the average guy look like with a shirt off? All right, well, let's go find guys who are willing to take their shirt off. Well, guys with big bellies won't volunteer to take their shirts off. And guys with small cocks aren't going to want to rub them against.

[Nick Kroll]

They're not going to want to get a world rank.

[Adam Carolla]

Still going to be funny.

[Nick Kroll]

Nobody wants to hear 13 percentile.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. So I argue that only the guys with the big choads are going to want to test this out.

[Nick Kroll]

Right.

[Adam Carolla]

So you're gonna be. Then if you're only. If the. If the test group is only guys with the big honkers, you're not gonna do well against those guys because that is not an average sampling of the guy. Because the small guys ain't showing up. But it would be funny to do it and then have the phone ring and have your buddy go like, I'll get that. You're like, cock was just on your phone.

I have a question. How frequently do you think about penis size? I mean, I feel like you've been thinking about it a lot lately, but I mean, the average guy.

I think about other people's penis size a lot more in my own. But that's.

Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

That way I give. Yeah. I don't. I have not thought about my own penis size since high school.

Right, but you do think about other people's a lot.

A lot.

So the topic is something that is on your mind a lot.

Well. Well, Bill Gates thinks about Africa and aids. Doesn't mean he's black and has aids. It means he's a hell of an individual.

Right. So you're innovating in your own way.

I am the Bill Gates of Cox. I mean, I know it's been said before, but it bears repeating.

Well, you got that name for a reason.

Well, what I mean is Bill Gates sits around a lot thinking about Africa and AIDS and malaria and how to cure things and stuff like that. But he's a white dude who lives in Seattle or we're in San Francisco or whatever, you know what I'm saying? So he thinks about that, but that's not him. I think about cock.

[Nick Kroll]

But you're not.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm not that guy. I don't think about my own cock.

[Nick Kroll]

Right, right.

[Adam Carolla]

But I do think about other people's Cocks.

[Nick Kroll]

So not a bad analogy. Not the best, but I get it.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is I'm a hero.

Does being such a humanitarian take time away from your family?

Cocktarian work is like anything else they understand. I asked Bill Gates what his family thinks. I don't know. You know, I'm out there doing.

[Nick Kroll]

You should, you should have him on the show and displace his dick.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, Bill. Yeah, we need to. Yeah, that's right.

How often do you think about it? Is this the most lately?

[Nick Kroll]

I would say this is definitely. Yeah. I think that again like if you're, if you have like a normal penis, like you probably just. Yeah, I don't think about like you move on. Yeah, you move on. You're just like. Yeah, I'm not like at a restaurant being like, God, I wonder how big this guy's dick is.

[Adam Carolla]

I think it's almost the same as your nipples. If a guy has like normal nipples. Like you never think your nipples, do you, Eugene?

[Nick Kroll]

No, I don't.

[Adam Carolla]

I think your nipples, but you would never think.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, and I get why you would think about them.

[Adam Carolla]

Because they're actually, they're nice.

[Nick Kroll]

Top notch. Yeah, but they're just top 10 percentile of nipples. Male nipples, they're just there for you.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't really think about them. Yeah, you know, that's the same way I feel about my cock. But other people cocks, that's a different story. But again, I'm a difference maker. You know what I mean? I think about early adopter, right. A lot of people just passing through life just looking to get a paycheck and buy a lottery ticket and watch their favorite team. And I sit around thinking about guys cocks.

[Nick Kroll]

I wonder how much vaginas weigh.

[Adam Carolla]

God, if only there was a way.

I'm working on it through the water displacement. There's gotta be app.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, there's gotta be an app that tests the weight of vaginas.

[Adam Carolla]

I can't wait to hear what would it even just look like? Concentric horseshoes or what would.

I don't know.

[Nick Kroll]

But here, see now this is a problem that needs solving.

[Adam Carolla]

Get my work cut out for me.

Here's what we do. Here's the real app. We get the vagina measuring device, we get that app, we get the cock measuring device, we get that app and then we get the GPS which matches you up with a vagina that'd be compatible with your honker. The nearest, closest to you.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, it's just a genital based eharmony. And you Maybe check off what she likes.

[Adam Carolla]

That's right. Eharmony. And then you just go, hey, there's five in the Glendale area that match my cock perfectly.

[Nick Kroll]

You should make an Adam Carolla.

[Adam Carolla]

We should work on that.

Well, what, the commercial. Be like, tired of trying to have sex and it won't fit. Yeah, probably is.

[Nick Kroll]

So I think it would be more that. It would. That if you're using the app, you would like to find a mate. But.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, well, you'd have. You'd have the guy. You'd have the guy up there and he's like, look, last time I betted this broad, it was like, ringing a bell. I mean, it was like, you've seen that triangle. I was like, that stick that they tell everyone. Not that kind. Like that. Like the lunch. Like the lunch triangle. Yeah, the dinner triangle. In the old way. I couldn't. I didn't know when I was in, I didn't know when I was out. I didn't know when I was done. I mean, it was embarrassing. And then you have the chick come on there and go, you know, the reason I'm in a wheelchair, it's not because I got in a car accident. It's not because I got bucked off a horse. I got fucked by one. You understand? And I'll never be right again. And then you have this, and then. And then you have all the voices showing up with all the different. All the different genres, and you realize it's called. You know what we call it? We call it roller skate. And the key Dot com. We've got the roller skate. I've got the key. But you got to have the right key for the right roller skate.

Could use that song, Melanie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a brand new key.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, you're gonna get a call that's like, hey, I'm a software engineer, and I think we really could be doing.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, that'd be nice. That'd be flattering. So get this.

[Chris]

Some expanding foam, stat for measuring.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a volume expansion. Yeah, I'll get some of that from the Home Depot. Some of the expanding foam. All right, where were we? Sorry.

Well, Entertainment Weekly did a story of celebrities who have their own alcohol line, and they failed to mention you.

That's not the ew that.

I know, I know, I know. Well, here's just a few that I thought you might be interested in hearing about, because I'm not Gonna read all 22.

Yes. The one that said when we finished doing the man show that Jimmy Kimmel made his ill fated move into late night TV. That was 10 years ago. Again, I have this thing, this game I like to play, which is stupid or liar. Either you are lying and you just don't like Jimmy Kimmel. And so you're just writing a bunch of shit about him because you have personal feelings about him and you don't like like it, or you're stupid, in which case we can't have you. Either way, you can't do your job. You can't write for a magazine called Entertainment Weekly and mention erroneously that a Comedy Central performed a Corolla ectomy and kicked me out of the man show. When all they did was beg, beg, beg, beg, $50,000 an episode, anything, do it alone, do it with a friend, do it with another comedian, do another episode, do a fifth season of the man show. That's all they say said. And I said, no, I'm going with Jimmy over to ABC to help him on his late night show. And they wrote. Well, after Jimmy made his ill fated move into late night, Comedy Central performed a Corolla ectomy and went with a new cast for man show. And it's like, all right, it's a lie. And I don't know where you're getting your information, but it certainly isn't good journalism. But Jimmy just celebrated his 10th year and now he's moved to 1135 and he's beating everyone in the ratings. So maybe the guy from EW doesn't have his pulse on the late nights.

[Nick Kroll]

This was written 10 years ago.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah. So he was wrong.

[Adam Carolla]

Maybe he was wrong, okay? But I'm sure there'll be an article suggests saying as much any day now, right? What a dick. These guys are such fucking dicks.

Were you even tempted by the 50,000 an episode to see?

No, it was really weird for me. It was uncomfortable because there was a lot of just have lunch with so and so who was running Comedy Central at the time and just sit and she just wants to have lunch. But I knew what they wanted. They just wanted another year of the man show. And I just decided that I wasn't going to do it. And it felt weird. It was like somebody you broke up with, but you're together for four years and they're like, we've been together for four years, we can't have lunch. You know? And you're like, okay. And they just. And it was really uncomfortable for me because I didn't. I was gonna go with Jimmy over to ABC and go do the whatever and 50,000 bucks an episode sounds pretty good, and it is pretty good, but it was. I knew I was gonna make money wherever I went, and it didn't really matter to me, and I wanted to just. And I also knew this was the show that Jimmy and I started, so it would be weird to do it without him and would probably lose whatever it had. And I just. And also, we did a hundred episodes. I'm always looking to get out of things, so. No. But to call that a Corolla ectomy just means you have an issue with me. And as I've said a million times to any journalist, you can have a problem with me. You just have to say, I have a problem with me. You can't just go, he rapes his grandma. Yeah, because that's bullshit. They didn't perform a colectomy. Unless you call begging me to stay and throwing as much money as they could at me to stay. 50 grand is what they offered.

[Nick Kroll]

Who else? What if he just doesn't know what ectomy means?

[Adam Carolla]

That's a good point.

[Nick Kroll]

That would also explain, like, clean incontinence.

[Adam Carolla]

I'd be practicing bad medicine if I didn't point out that's not even a real surgery.

Yeah, it's the Corola ectomy. Yeah. No, they have a beef. Just like Tom Shales doesn't like Jimmy Kimmel and didn't like me either, and would write horrible, horrible reviews. Most recently about Jimmy, but in the past about me. They're not reviewing our work. He doesn't like me, or I actually think he's gay and attracted to me and is fighting whatever those feelings he had. Because whenever he did his man show review many years ago, he kept talking about how ugly I was. I wasn't. I was too ugly for tv.

And you complain that gay men don't hit on you enough.

That was a very, you know, schoolyard tug your ponytail way of a gay man hitting on me. You know, buy me a fucking. Buy me a festive cocktail.

You want to be romanced?

Yeah, I want a smart cocktail.

[Nick Kroll]

Get you an appletini.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, give me an appletini and then let's talk Tom Schells. Don't just tell me how horrible I'm. He started on a review of the man show, and he just quickly turned to how ugly I was. Weird review, right? When you're talking about that, I mean,

[Nick Kroll]

it sounds like this person really doesn't like you.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, what if you were talking about a car design and you're like, hey, you know, the New Ford Fusion. The guy designed. It's a pig. You should see him. He is not handsome at all. Like, okay, but we're not really talking about how good by comedians, the hottest dudes in high school. Here's the quote. You want to read those quotes from the man show review.

Yes. He looks like he's reached the third or fourth plateau in poor Larry Talbot's transformation into a werewolf. That's one. It's a kind of a talk variety half hour coasted amateurly by like minded clods, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla. Not so much a show as a car crash. And then about Loveline. He said the smugly preening Dr. Drew attempts to answer questions.

Yeah, and there's one more that we don't have where he just flat out said I was a creep. Like, he just said he doesn't have the look for television and he just called me a creep. Yeah. Can't find the whole fucking thing. But yeah, that was his review. That was season one.

And then objective.

Yeah, well, Tom Shales. Everyone should listen to Tom Schales because the show was wildly successful and we never got canceled. We just quit doing it. So I don't know why guys are allowed to do that and have that position. It seems weird. It seems you're entitled to your opinion, but it's weird to just randomly decide. I don't like this. And like I always say, have me. I'll go. I'll go review Raisins in the Spirit Sun. A Raisin in the Sun. I'll go review it and I'll just go, I don't like it. I don't like black people. I don't get it. I'm not into it. And then my fucking editor would go, are you nuts? We can't print this. You can't do this. But if it's the gay guy and it's mean Jimmy, say whatever you want. Call us clods, Call us wolfman. Call us ugly amateurs. Call us whatever you want. Because it doesn't matter.

[Chris]

You didn't call Jimmy a wolfman.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it turned to me.

[Nick Kroll]

He thinks Jimmy is handsome. He's not a monster.

[Adam Carolla]

It turned to me and then it turned to Dr. Drew sm smugly braining. Smugly braining.

Doing that so wrong.

Yeah, well, that's how you knew it was a review. That wasn't reviewing the product. The product is review the man show douche. Don't review my look or Dr. Drew's look in another show. Oh, yeah, I was called ew. I was called here's how fucking shitty that rag is. I was called a brang sports aficionado. He was describing me and describing Jimmy, and I was called a brang sports aficionado. But I've never done sports. I've never been on a sports station. And when we did the man show, I never did. I did three sports oriented bits in four years, like, out of 500 bits. So it's even written so badly, it's confusing because. Because Jimmy did sports on Fox and he did sports on kroc. So when he calls me a braying sports aficionado, is he talking about Jimmy or is he talking about me? Again, confusing and horribly, horribly written.

[Nick Kroll]

Did a review recently come out retrashing the man show?

[Adam Carolla]

No.

[Nick Kroll]

What brought this?

[Adam Carolla]

Entertainment Weekly.

I mentioned they trashed Jimmy. They trashed Tom Shales. Trashed Jimmy's show recently.

Yes.

And then ew. Just trash. What did EW say, Sar?

[Nick Kroll]

Oh, well, they just had wines made by George Clooney or something.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, but they didn't mention Adam Gria.

Oh, my Mangria.

Yeah. But did you know Marilyn Manson has mansinthe?

Well, I do know he has absinthe. I mean, yes, I do.

He calls it mansinthe, though.

He likes that stuff a little too much.

[Nick Kroll]

But that's absinthe.

[Adam Carolla]

Or the alcohol.

The absinthe. That stuff's freaky. He brought it in. He did one of these things where he wanted to drink on Loveline. So he came in one night and he said, hey, he brought it in. It's illegal here. Yeah, he brought it in. He went, hey, Adam, I brought you a bottle of absinthe. You know, it's a gift. And I said, oh, hey, thanks. And I got it. And I like, you know, set it next to me. I was like, all right, start the show. You know, and then. Then he's like, how about we open your gift? I was like, oh, oh, yeah. Okay, you want to open it up? And he's like, yeah, here, have some. And the next thing I realized, he wanted to drink absinthe, but if he just showed up with the bottle of absinthe and started drinking, it seemed like he may have had a problem.

[Nick Kroll]

So he gave it to me. You always offer the absinthe to the other person, right?

[Adam Carolla]

So he gave it as a gift, and the next thing you know, we're both drinking it.

How was the show?

Don't recall.

[Nick Kroll]

Absinthe is, like, huge. Like, it has a ton of alcohol. Right.

[Adam Carolla]

It's more of a hallucinogenic property to it than the Alcohol. It's not like you get drunk. It's like drinking mushrooms or something. You get. You get freaked.

[Nick Kroll]

But you can give advice.

[Adam Carolla]

Listen, I do that show fucked up, out of my mind all the time. I was better. Same with driving kids. You listening? No. I've done that show shit faced a million times. Absinthe. It's fine. I didn't have a problem with it. I got Dr. Drew there.

What was his reaction to you being shit faced?

Drew? When I would drink, like, before I did the show, I didn't sit in the alley with a pint and drink or something. It'd be one of these things where I went out to dinner. The show's at 10 o' clock and a couple glasses of wine. But Drew would always walk in and just walk right in the studio. And you just go, who's been drinking? And I'd always be like, well, there's you and then there's me. So it's like he goes in an elevator. Who farted? Like, well, there's me and there's you. There's two assholes. So did anything come out of your asshole? No. Okay, then I think we know who farted. I think that was his way of. I know you've been drinking, but. Yeah, that was Drew's thing. Yeah.

All right, well, Donald Trump.

I'm coming out my own loudnum. Yeah.

Yes.

Digging deeper.

[Chris]

Going old school.

[Adam Carolla]

Going old school.

You have to call it like mandanum.

So they have. How many celebrities are on that?

22 or 23?

22. And I couldn't have been shoehorned on that.

Donald Trump. Do you know what his vodka is named? It's very Trumpian.

[Chris]

Asshole first class something.

[Nick Kroll]

Oh, yeah, it's probably. It is probably called. Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Trump Super Premium Vodka.

[Nick Kroll]

That is a genuinely terrible name. He would have fired himself from Apprentice if he was like, this is my vodka.

[Adam Carolla]

You don't understand. Trump does. Trump.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

He is as I described him many times. He's Don King with crazier hair and a broken moral compass, which is he does him. He is his brand. If he did it in an under, he did anything in an understated way, it would fuck up his brand.

[Nick Kroll]

Right, right. He has to have that be what it's called because he's ridiculous.

[Adam Carolla]

He is like, Right, right, right. He's like, once a fighter takes on a Persona, like, once in a while they have these guys. You know, some guys just go out, you know. You know, some guys just go out to the ring and do their business and then there Was Hector Macho Camacho, or there would be whatever, and they would bring this pro wrestling kind of thing. Once you enter the ring 10 times wearing the crazy spangled shorts cut up to the side, and you have the women on each side, and you're doing a whole pro wrestling thing, you can't go out the 11th time just dressed in a bathrobe and low key, Right. You become this character and then you get paid based on this. Trump does Trump, like, he knows his hair's a fucking mess. It's his hair. It's Trump's hair. That's how we know him. And this whole thing of like, ah, come on, Donald, why don't you just fucking go with a different style? That's his whole. That's his thing.

[Nick Kroll]

His thing is my hair is dumb.

[Adam Carolla]

Right.

[Nick Kroll]

And I'm very rich.

[Guest or Producer]

That's his thing.

[Adam Carolla]

And I'm going to name my vodka Super Scrum Delicious. Premium. Premium vodka.

[Nick Kroll]

Number one, premium vodka.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's what Trump would do, right?

[Nick Kroll]

Yes, it's true.

[Adam Carolla]

John Mulaney COMEDIAN have you heard what he has a bit about Trump, which. I'm not gonna do it, but because it would not be good if I did his jokes. But something about it.

It's fine if you tell us.

[Eugene Mirman]

It's.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was about how Trump looks like a hobo's dream of what a millionaire would look like.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is like hairspun gold.

[Nick Kroll]

It's true.

[Adam Carolla]

It is what hobos dream about. Yeah. But I would even argue hobos from the 40s.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, that's what rich guys look like. They don't look like Mark Cuban.

[Nick Kroll]

He went from, like, being a real estate person to being, like, almost cartoonish villainy billionaire.

[Adam Carolla]

But like Ted DiBiase, the million dollar man in the pro wrestling thing, he didn't show up in cargo shorts. He had to have, oh, yeah, a tuxedo on and throw $20 bills to the auction. That was his dick.

[Chris]

And his manservant Virgil. Virgil, which, by the way, is one of the strangest, like, under the radar racist things ever to happen.

[Adam Carolla]

And I would argue homoerotic as well, too. You have a black guy, shirtless, who is your man, servant, valet.

[Chris]

He's your manservant. He called him your manservant.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. So to go in, he's not a slave to wear something tasteful wouldn't be part of the act. And that's how he made his money.

[Nick Kroll]

Is that the wrestler? Is that Donald Trump? Donald Trump from the 80s.

[Adam Carolla]

Point is, I don't know that we would know Trump. I mean, I could probably only mention 25 to 30 New York real estate developers off the top of my head, but Trump would always be in the top five. Yeah, yeah, he always comes to mind. So Trump is doing Trump and then some Trump.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And now we're talking about him.

[Nick Kroll]

That's true. He. He won. He won.

[Adam Carolla]

He won, he won.

That's the news. I'm Allison Rosen. Zip itcon.

We have to anally rape you. That was the news with Allison Rosen. Also. I don't know how all these things begin, but once you start becoming that person, you just get further and further. I mean, you can say, like, all right, we can all have a laugh about traffic, but Jeanine Garofalo is a sort of Trump on the other side of the aisle version. Like, she adds a bracelet, adds a tat, gets a little more militant, worries a little more about the indigenous folk. And once you start down this path, you just kind of go down it.

[Nick Kroll]

But there's a big difference between someone who's literally politically very liberal or conservative, and then someone who is a cartoonish billionaire. You know what I mean?

[Adam Carolla]

No, I agree. But if you took a look at, like, you know, there was the, hey, I'm a little bit chubby, and I'm everyone's best friend in a movie, and I'm funny and I'm jovial. Jeanine Garofalo. And then there's like, I'm gonna put one of these black rubber bracelets on eight years ago. And now she's much further down that road.

[Nick Kroll]

She's probably about as liberal as, like, Matt Damon.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah. I don't think she's dangerous, but she's becoming a visual at least. Least sort of caricature of herself in a way. I don't even really mean that in a bad way. I just mean you start down a path, you start to get some traction with it, people start to recognize you as that. And the next thing you know, you're leaving the house and you go, I need my bracelets. And Trump's going, I need to fuck my hair up.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, but there's. I mean, there's a difference between, like, I have a big announcement. Like, I mean, there is a wild, Like, I have, like, lots of friends of a big political spectrum. But there's a huge difference between someone who is, however, liberal or conservative and someone who gets the world media to pay attention and then announce that you'll give $5 million to a charity if someone releases their report.

[Adam Carolla]

But I think he's pointing out the way she looks like it.

[Eugene Mirman]

Yeah.

[Nick Kroll]

No, I'm saying, Marilyn.

[Adam Carolla]

What I'm saying is where they started and where they're progressing.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And what I'm saying is if you turn back the clock 10, 12, 15 years, they were both sort of not who they are. And they're both becoming not bad. I'm just saying they're becoming more and more them. And at a certain point, I think it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy or something. You just realize you're right. We want to see that person either making an asinine proclamation on Entertainment Tonight or sitting next to Bill Maher doing a show. It sort of goes further and further that direction. And I'm trying to think of other examples, but you see it all over the place. You just get deeper and deeper into that thing. I like people who flatline, by the way, who just.

[Nick Kroll]

Tommy Lee Jones, he's remained Tommy Lee Jones.

[Adam Carolla]

He is who he is. Yes. All he has done is a nine years in the last three years, but he's still Tommy Lee Jones. He's that dude. He's just that dude. I would argue Tommy Lee, forget about Tommy Lee Jones.

That's why we were talking about for a second.

[Nick Kroll]

That's why Tommy Lee started driving a boat with his dick and ended driving a boat with his dick and will

[Adam Carolla]

drive a coffin with his dick into the ground many years from now, God willing. But he is. He'll be playing the drums, he'll be skinny and he'll have tattoos for the next hundred years. And that's where he was 30 years ago too.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, I mean, also, it's. Well, it also depends what the extent of your voice is. I mean, meaning if you're in movies a little bit or on TV shows, you're only so much in pop culture. But then if you're like, if you're Donald Trump and you own like you put your name on buildings that you have, there's just a scope that you can reach people that is far more than a normal person or normal actor, a normal comedian, a normal, you know, anything.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying he's playing him. He, our us as a society is reinforcing him, playing him. And it almost becomes like a kid who gets sent this mixed message where you're telling him to behave, but you laugh every time he stands up and does something crazy at the dinner table.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

And he quickly learns that people are laughing when I do this. So even though I'm being told, obey, fuck this, I'm standing up and doing something crazy with the mashed potatoes.

[Nick Kroll]

Yeah, yeah, we create it.

[Adam Carolla]

Now if we want to stop Donald Trump when he says, I have a big announcement, don't show up.

[Nick Kroll]

Right, Right.

[Adam Carolla]

But that's not gonna happen. All right. I wanna thank Eugene Mirman for coming in.

[Nick Kroll]

Thanks for having me.

[Adam Carolla]

CD and dvd. An evening of comedy in a fake underground laboratory. It is out February 5th. Pre order on Amazon. Click through our website. And Bob's Burgers, of course. Sunday, Sunday night, 7 and 8, 30 on the Fabulous Fox website, Eugenemerman.com and you can shoot him a tweet at Eugene Merman. So until next time, Sandra Caroll from Eugene Merman, Allison Rosen, and Ball Bryan

[Nick Kroll]

saying mahalo, but chugging is real.

[Adam Carolla]

All right, that does it for this weekend's Coral Classics. Make sure to tune next weekend for three all new installments. Until then, mahalo and get it on.

[Dave Damaschek]

Hello and welcome to Pluto Foe. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Guest or Producer]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Dave Damaschek]

Shut up, Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the king of the world.

[Dave Damaschek]

And so much more for Showtime's press. Nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Dave Damaschek]

Stream now. Pay Never.

[Adam Carolla]

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[Dave Damaschek]

Hello and welcome to Plutofo. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto tv where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman. The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

[Nick Kroll]

Indy.

[Adam Carolla]

Fantastic.

[Dave Damaschek]

The Matrix Trilogy.

[Adam Carolla]

Welcome to the real world, Mean Girls.

[Dave Damaschek]

Shut up, Titanic.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm the key in the world.

[Dave Damaschek]

And so much more. For Showtime's press, nothing. They're free 24. 7.

[Adam Carolla]

That is so effective on Pluto TV.

[Dave Damaschek]

Stream now. Pay Never.