ADHD Experts Podcast - Episode 573

Title: Social Emotional Learning Techniques for Students with ADHD
Date: September 9, 2025
Host: Carol Fleck (ADDitude)
Expert: Dr. Steven Tobias, Director, Center for Child and Family Development (NJ)

Episode Overview

This episode explores practical, research-based social emotional learning (SEL) techniques for students with ADHD. Dr. Steven Tobias draws on decades of clinical experience to break down why SEL is essential, the common hurdles ADHD presents, and step-by-step strategies for helping students master these vital life skills both at home and in school.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Challenge: SEL and ADHD

[01:35]

• Dr. Tobias, reflecting on his 40 years in the field, shares his complex feelings about ADHD itself—which he says is increasingly hard to define due to societal discourse, especially online.
• Social Emotional Learning (SEL) skills matter for everyone, but are often more challenging for those with ADHD due to:
  • Impulse control: Strong emotions act as impulses; poor impulse control makes regulating emotions hard.
  • Inattention: Missing social cues leads to misunderstandings and conflict.
• Core message: "Everybody needs social emotional skills, and we don’t have to label anybody to recognize the importance of these skills in order for them to function in life."
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [03:12]

2. Key SEL Principles

[04:50] Dr. Tobias highlights foundational SEL skills:

• Awareness of one’s own and others’ feelings
  • “How are you?” isn’t just a pleasantry; true self-awareness underpins emotional regulation.
• Developing a rich “feelings vocabulary”
  • Differentiating between anger, frustration, disappointment—essential for behavioral direction.
• Empathy:
  • “It’s interesting to note, by the way, that the more sensitive you are to your own feelings, the more sensitive you are to other people’s feelings.”
    — Dr. Steven Tobias [07:39]
  • Even very young children show natural empathy.
• Perspective taking:
  • Developing cognitive flexibility to see multiple viewpoints, foundational for creativity and problem-solving.
• Emotional and impulse regulation:
  • Moderating emotions and delaying gratification are learned skills, rarely innate—especially in impulsive or insecure children.
• Goal orientation & planning:
  • Help children clarify what they really want and the steps to get there; avoid self-fulfilling defeatism ("Why should I try? I’ll fail anyway.").
• Positive social skills:
  • Encompasses communication, problem-solving, boundary-setting, and feedback.

3. Practical Strategies for Teaching SEL

[21:34] Dr. Tobias outlines a series of actionable strategies:

• Model the skills yourself (“Do what I do”)
  • “This occurred to me one day when I was yelling at my daughter to stop yelling. You know, this just didn’t seem quite right.”
    — Dr. Steven Tobias [22:10]
• Individual greeting and eye contact
  • Establishes connection, helps focus, counteracts today’s digital distraction.
  • “Multitasking is a myth. The brain cannot process two things at once.”
    — Dr. Steven Tobias [24:22]
• Experiential & multisensory learning
  • Use roleplay, feelings charades, and games—the opposite of passive lecturing.
• Ask open-ended questions (not “why” questions)
  • Promotes thinking and discussion, not defensiveness. “The more you talk, the less they listen. Interestingly, the more they talk, the more they’re also going to listen.”
    — Dr. Steven Tobias [26:25]
• Reflect/paraphrase back
  • Shows listening, clarifies meaning, models appropriate emotional vocabulary.
• Use specific vocabulary and cues
  • Label feelings and skills for clarity and prompting.
• Sharing circles & family/class meetings
  • Regular, dedicated time is necessary for any real SEL progress.
  • “If you’re only going to do one thing after my talk today, I would do a sharing circle on a regular basis at home and in school.”
    — Dr. Steven Tobias [31:37]
• Repetition and reinforcement
  • SEL skills require sustained, deliberate teaching and practice.
• Rule-setting (with child participation)
  • Gives predictability, safety, and buy-in.
• Patience is essential
  • “At home, I think you can see some impact in a couple months, but obviously ongoing work is necessary... The brain doesn’t fully mature until the 20s.”
    — Dr. Steven Tobias [37:39]
• Make it fun
  • Fun is the glue for any loving relationship and learning.

4. Three Core SEL Skills to Teach

[41:50] Dr. Tobias spotlights three vital teachable skills:

a. Keep Calm — Self-Regulation via Breathing

• Use simple breath exercises: inhale for 3, exhale for 5.
• Prompt: “Let’s keep calm together” avoids criticism.
• Great for both adults and children, but requires consistent practice.

b. Be Your Best — Assertive Communication

• Teach body language, eye contact, appropriate verbal/tonal expression.
• Balance acceptance of fidgeting vs. the need to not distract others.

c. ESP — Problem Solving (Evaluate, Select, Proceed)

• Evaluate: what’s the real problem/feeling?
• Select: what’s the goal, and brainstorm options.
• Proceed: make a step-by-step action plan (who/what/when/where/how).

5. Discipline as SEL Instruction

[50:29] Discipline should mean teaching, not punishment. Use these approaches:

• Empathy first: connect emotionally before trying to reason or solve.
• Praise specific, targeted behaviors (choose 3–4 at a time; repeat frequently).
• Ignore minor misbehaviors: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
• Use natural/logical consequences: Let reality teach when possible.
• Timeouts: A tool for regaining self-control, not a punishment.
• Behavior charts: Increase self-awareness, track progress, enable communication.

6. SEL Lesson Format for Home or School

[54:37] Dr. Tobias offers a reusable structure for SEL sessions:

• Start with a sharing circle (led by student or adult)
• Review old business/skills
• Introduce skill and its importance
• Give specific examples
• Model and role-play skill
• Plan for generalization with prompts and follow-up
• Reinforce and practice

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On SEL as a core life skill:
  "These skills are more related to success and happiness than academic or any other skills."
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [02:45]

• On the complexity of ADHD and emotion:
  “When you have difficulty with impulse control, you have difficulty coping with emotions.”
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [02:51]

• On patience:
  “These skills take a long time to learn and use independently... The good news is that you have the time.”
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [37:49]

• On the importance of fun:
  “Having fun with the person is what establishes that loving relationship between people... I would argue the major cause of divorce is lack of fun.”
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [39:52]

• On Praise:
  “You’re much better off appraising four behaviors 25 times each rather than 100 different behaviors.”
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [52:45]

Q&A Highlights

1. Calming Separation Anxiety in Preschoolers

[56:56]

• Lead with empathy and validation—acknowledge their feelings.
• Gradual separation, if possible, with the parent being “boring” so the child is drawn to other activities.

2. Teens Who Resist Teacher Authority, Don’t Self-Advocate

[58:40]

• Point out natural/logical consequences.
• Explore underlying feelings (inadequacy, sensitivity to criticism).
• Sometimes denial plays a big role and must be countered gently.

3. Bright Students Who Refuse Homework

[59:59]

• There must be consequences for incomplete homework.
• Mastery of boredom is a life skill:
  “You’ve got to learn how to do the boring stuff... If you don’t know how to do the boring stuff, you never get to do the good stuff.”
  — Dr. Steven Tobias [61:10]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:35] Defining SEL for students with ADHD
• [04:50] Core SEL principles
• [15:57] Awareness of others, empathy
• [21:34] Practical SEL teaching strategies
• [31:37] Sharing circles and class/family meetings
• [37:39] Patience and skill development over time
• [41:50] Three essential SEL skills: Keep Calm, Be Your Best, ESP
• [50:29] Using discipline as positive SEL instruction
• [54:37] Sample SEL lesson format
• [56:56] Q&A: Calming preschoolers; [58:40] Teens and authority issues
• [59:59] Q&A: Smart but homework-resistant students

Takeaway

Dr. Tobias delivers a practical SEL “toolkit” for parents, educators, and clinicians working with ADHD students, showing that change is possible with patience, deliberate practice, and a focus on relationship and fun. His guidance reminds listeners that SEL is not just a classroom program—it’s a life skillset for all.