← ADHD Experts Podcast
ADHD Experts Podcast
579- The ADHD Guide to Managing Stress and Emotions at Work
00:59:50
If you’ve ever teared up or shot back while receiving feedback, emotional dysregulation may be affecting your job performance and professional relationships. Diann Wingert explains how to recognize triggers and manage your emotions at work....
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- [00:04]
Diane Wingert
Welcome to the Attention Deficit Disorder Expert Podcast series by Attitude Magazine, everyone.
- [00:14]
Carol Fleck
I'm Carol Fleck and on behalf of the Attitude Team, I'm delighted to welcome you to today's ADHD Experts presentation titled the ADHD Guide to Managing Stress and Emotions at Work. Leading today's presentation is Diane Wingert. Diane has had a very interesting career. She spent 20 years as a psychotherapist and serial entrepreneur. She's pivoted to coaching entrepreneurs would be entrepreneurs and others with adhd. Her passion is helping neurodivergent individuals leverage their unique talent to create a purposeful and profitable business. Diane is also the host of the ADHD Ish podcast. According to one report, the average person spends 90,000 hours at work over their lifetime. Needless to say, being happy at your job is extremely important. In the fall issue of Attitude Magazine, our experts offer ideas about how to rein in your emotions to create a satisfying work environment. And as many of you know, there is a link between poor sleep and job performance. Our cover story is all about sleep, why it's elusive for many people with adhd, and how to reset your internal clock for better sleep quality. Learn more by signing up for Attitude Magazine today for yourself or to share with a teacher or a loved one who could benefit from greater ADHD understanding. Finally, the sponsor of this webinar is Inflow Work. Stress hits differently when you have adhd. Big emotions, sudden reactions and lingering shame can make even small challenges feel overwhelming. The Inflow app gets it their emergency. Their expert designed self help program teaches practical ADHD friendly strategies to manage emotions, communicate clearly, and stay grounded, especially at work. Start with their free quiz by clicking the logo on your screen and discover your hidden ADHD traits. Attitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content, so without further ado, I'm so pleased to welcome Diane Wingert. Thank you so much for joining us today and leading this discussion.
- [02:40]
Diane Wingert
Well, looks like my original slide is not there. Anyway, no worries. I appreciate being invited to speak for Attitude again, and especially because I'm talking today on one of my favorite topics. And one of the things I hear most frequently from my own coaching clients is not only executive functioning challenges are a problem with adhd, but managing our emotions places where it matters, like work. Why is it so difficult for us to regulate our emotions at work? Well, I'm sure almost everyone attending and for those of you listening to the replay, you've probably experienced at least once leaving a meeting with your manager feeling like you had completely lost it and then avoiding them for weeks afterwards. This is not a personal weakness, although it may feel that way. It's your brain doing what ADHD brains do under stress. Our brains, compared to neurotypical brains, experience emotions with 30% more intensity. And you might be thinking, mine's like 90% more. The workplace demands emotional control in environments that tend to dysregulate us at the same time. Meetings being interrupted, being criticized, and having to deliver under time pressure. So workplace emotional incidents don't just affect the moment, they create ripple effects that can really affect our entire career trajectory as well as our mental health and how we perform in the workplace. So it's well worth figuring out. And I have a framework that I want to share with you today. Losing our cool in the moment at work goes beyond that specific incident. There's professional consequences, and it takes a personal toll. Most of us will experience shame spirals that can last for hours, days, or even weeks. We will increase our masking and feel more exhausted and burned out as a result of that. We'll probably be avoiding important conversations, opportunities, and individuals because of how we feel about having lost control. And our imposter syndrome and self doubt gets ramped up professionally. We may miss out on opportunities for advancement because of a negative perception about us. We may damage relationships with both peers and superiors. We might get excluded from important projects or important decisions if we're perceived as emotionally unstable. And our boss may increase their micromanagement of us just to make sure they keep us reined in. Now let's take a look at the neuroscience before we get into the specific strategies and techniques. The amygdala gets hijacked faster and easier with ADHD brains. We quite literally have a shorter fuse. Our executive functioning goes offline first. And that's one of the most important things to understand, that emotional dysregulation and executive functioning are not two separate categories. They're active. Absolutely. Combined. Our prefrontal cortex, the part that handles planning, impulse control, and rational thinking, shuts down under stress. So we literally can't do the creative problem solving that we're normally so good at. When people tell us, why don't you just calm down? It doesn't work because once we're already activated, we don't have access to the regions of the brain that create calm. Now, if you are attending and are a clinician or an educator, it might not be helpful to recommend traditional cognitive techniques for ADHD clients, because when they are in an acute state of emotional distress, they actually need interventions that work with the nervous system, not just the cognitive one. So what I'm going to be sharing with you in the next 20 minutes or so is the framework that I use with myself as a person with ADHD and also with my coaching clients. It's based on the word space because I think acronyms and alliteration just make things more memorable. And when you're in a moment where you're escalating at work, you need to be able to remember what tools to use. The acronym is space S P A C E. I want you to think about it as creating brain space when you need it most, holding space for yourself and others because you may have colleagues or even bosses that also have adhd. And if you think about SP A C E as your emotional regulation navigator, you can figure out where you are in the moment and where you want to go. Each step of the framework builds on the previous one, but you can enter the framework at any point in the cycle. So what are the letters? S stands for spot your patterns, P is pause the escalation, A act in the moment, C clear the air and E evolve your system another way. You can think about this as notice, pattern, interrupt, regain control, damage control and plan and prepare for the future. So triggers. Carol mentioned triggers a few minutes ago. And triggers are things that we can begin to predict. So spotting your patterns is the first stage of the framework. Knowing where you're more likely to become dysregulated puts you ahead of the problem instead of trying to catch up to it. Performance reviews Notorious. Nobody likes them and now most companies do.360s where you have to evaluate yourself as well as be evaluated by others. Other high stakes visibility events are things that will activate you, like even being asked to speak at a particular meeting. Unclear expectations, ambiguity, uncertainty about what is expected of you creates incredible triggers for most people with adhd. Time pressures and deadlines, even though we may say we thrive with them. If you have too many responsibilities, your priorities are unclear, or you may have more than one boss, that is a recipe for being massively triggered. Being criticized or corrected, whether it's in public or private, is going to result in rejection. Sensitive dysphoria. Whether it's a peer or a superior, but especially when it's a superior because you may feel your job depends on it. Now how to spot the patterns Think about your last three workplace emotional incidents. Look for the pattern, not the perfect storm. Most of us have pretty discernible patterns of things that trigger us from one situation to the next. You can look to your body as well to spot the pattern, muscle and movement changes. You get tension in your shoulders. You're clenching your jaw. If you're a fidgeter, you're fidgeting more, bouncing your leg more, clicking your pen more. You're becoming more physically restless or it might suddenly stop. Those are all cues that you are being triggered physiologically. Breathing in a very shallow way or unconsciously holding your breath, feeling hot or cold, feeling tightness in your stomach or butterflies, or even mild nausea. Noticing your heart rate to the level that you can actually feel it. And some more subtle signs that most people would miss. Are blinking more or less frequently a change in the pitch of your voice? For me, I noticed that my voice gets higher when I'm getting triggered because changing your posture, leaning away, crossing your arms, stiffening up, your body knows when you're headed for trouble before your brain does. So when you are spotting your patterns in your body, you can get ahead of the problem.
- [10:32]
Rubrik Representative
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- [11:04]
Diane Wingert
Realize, oh, I'm starting to be triggered, how can you start to de escalate and buy time to regain control while still looking professional? Asking questions, redirecting, and setting boundaries? How might that look? Comments like I'd like to review this and get back to you and name a specific time because someone may be putting you on the spot, asking you a question you didn't anticipate, your mind goes blank or your mind starts racing. Buying time allows you to maintain some composure and control rather than being escalated. Asking Would it be helpful if I put some thoughts in writing? Many of us are better at writing things down than verbalizing them. Can we table this until I can give it proper consideration? Now, these are all technically stall tactics that buy you time, but they sound professional so they don't signal that you're stalling. You can also ask to redirect what is the timeline for making this decision? Who needs to be involved, and what information do we still need to gather? You are de escalating your emotional escalation by asking these questions because they all serve as pattern interrupts and setting professional boundaries. Like my most productive conversations happen when I've had time to prepare. Can I get back to you at 2 o' clock this afternoon or I work better when I can process complex information thoughtfully. I want you to notice in every one of these statements you're not mentioning adhd. Your body is your early warning system. It knows you're headed for trouble before your brain does. When we learn to listen, we are much better at managing stress and emotions, especially at work. Now, we don't just get triggered by things that are said to us or things that are happening around us. Our very environment can trigger us because neurodivergent people are simply more neurologically sensitive to their environment. That might include sensory triggers like noise levels or hearing electronics or other people talking outside the room that you're meeting with your supervisor in. Maybe the H vac is loud lighting, especially for fluorescent lighting that's too bright. Room temperature, air circulation, smells like other people's perfumes, food, cleaning products. Many people are triggered by these things. Social triggers include the dynamics of the meeting that you're in, the number of people, the personalities. A lot of us can sense power struggles, personality conflicts, even when nothing's overt and we start to get stressed by those things. If you can pick up on the fact that there's tension or conflict between other people, even when it's not happening actively, that can be a trigger. And when you're aware you're the only neurodivergent person in the room, that activates a lot of people. Timing, paying attention to your patterns. When are you most energetic? When are you most creative? When are you most fatigued? When do you start to get hangry? If you have meetings that are back to back to back and you have no breathing room, certain days of the week, certain times of the month, your hormonal cycles, all of these things can contribute. So spotting your patterns. The first stage of this framework is super, super important. And it does take a little bit of spending time with yourself and noting these things when you're not in the work environment. Also, the setup of the room, if you are having to sit with your back to the wall or near the exit, that can be triggering for people. Being in the corner of the room can be triggering, especially if you have a trauma history and technology stress. The platforms, the connectivity, things aren't not working the way they need to be, and that can be stressful and just simply never having enough time to pre for whatever it is that you're doing, which happens in workplaces where people are asking you to do more with less. Environmental triggers. One way to think about it if they're like background music, you may not notice them until they're gone. But they are constantly affecting your nervous system and lowering your ability to regulate your emotions. Now, we've been talking about environmental triggers. Let's talk about the emotional early warning signs. Before you get angry, you might start to notice that you feeling irritable or defensive. Your thoughts may become more black and white. Before you get overwhelmed, you might start feeling kind of fragile or fatigued or have escape fantasies. I just want to run. I just want to get out of here. Before you get to the point of total shutdown, you may notice your thoughts speeding up or slowing down. You might start to feel a little dissociated from the conversation or you start having word finding difficulty. And before you get shut down with cognitive changes, your mind may be going to worst case scenarios like your boss asking you to explain an action you took. And you immediately start thinking, I'm about to lose my job. Emotional overwhelm may seem sudden, but it almost never happens instantly. There's always a Runway. So that's why spot your patterns is important to do the work to figure out. Because if you can catch yourself before you take off, it's going to be a lot easier for you to calm yourself. Now we're going into the next part of the framework which is pause the escalation. You're already triggered. Now we're trying to prevent you from escalating further. The science behind this is that neurochemical flood from being triggered emotionally peaks and recedes in 90 seconds. That means there's a beginning and a middle and an end to the feeling that you're having. If it goes on longer than 90 seconds, it's because we are re triggering ourselves with our thoughts. This is a window for intervention. What does this mean? Practically, we don't have to fix the feeling. What we need to do is focus on not making it worse by feeding it with negative thoughts. The ADHD effect. And by the way, all brains have the 90 second rule, not just ours. But with the ADHD brain, we may have multiple waves. Think of these like sound waves or labor contractions for a woman having a baby. We may have the next wave before the first one has receded. And if there's external stimuli, it can restart the 92nd clock. So we may not be able to prevent ourselves from getting triggered. But if we're not feeding our brain additional negative thoughts, we can wait for the moment to pass. And that is why we're talking about pausing the escalation. You could think of your emotions. Like weather systems, they move through you if you don't hold on to them. So the job is not to stop the storm, it's to take shelter until it passes. And for the clinicians and educators present, giving the client something concrete is more helpful than a cognitive approach. So you've got 90 seconds to not make it worse. Now, what can we do during meetings when we need to take a micro pause? You may be triggered, you may be escalating, but you still have the opportunity to slow your roll and not lose control. For example, I always attended meetings with a notepad and a pen. Not because they were going to say anything that was worth writing down, but because it helped me stay calm when I was getting agitated. If you need to mention to someone else while you're writing something down, let's say it's a one on one meeting. Let me capture this important point. Taking a note will give you 10 to 15 seconds to start to breathe and calm yourself down. Writing gives you something to do. It slows your brain down. And I don't recommend using a tablet. The actual pen and paper, the feel of it, is regulating to our nervous system. Another thing you can do whenever going to a meeting, which tends to be one of the places more people with ADHD get triggered. Bring a water bottle and make sure it's got something in it. Keep it handy for sip and think moments. If you're asked a question you didn't anticipate or you say something that you wish you hadn't, give me a second while you take a drink. Because swallowing activates the parasympathetic nervous system and being dehydrated makes the brain more fatigued. So bring a notepad, a pen, and a bottle of water. If you forget both of those, you can still take verbal pause breaks. Like, that's a great question. Let me think on that for a moment. Or before I respond, can you clarify or I want to make sure I understand before I respond. You're slowing things down, both mentally and you're slowing the conversation down so you can stay regulated. You can also do small resets, physically moving your position in your chair, rolling your shoulders so you're doing micro resets that look like stretching. And it's always really helpful. If you're in a meeting and you think you might get triggered, keep your feet flat on the floor because it quite literally helps you stay grounded.
- [20:49]
Rubrik Representative
AI agents are everywhere, automating tasks and making decisions at machine speed. But agents make mistakes. Just one rogue agent can do big damage before you even notice. Rubrik Agent Cloud is the only platform that helps you monitor agents, set guardrails, and rewind mistakes so you can unleash agents, not risk. Accelerate your AI transformation@rubrik.com that's R U B R I K.com now when you.
- [21:20]
Diane Wingert
Can'T leave but you need to calm down and not escalate, you need to pause the escalation. Here are some things you can do on the down low Covert reset strategies that probably no one else is even going to notice. Box breathing. You can press your thumb into the palm of the other hand underneath the table. Keep your feet firmly on the floor. You can count backwards by fives to 100. You can play the Alphabet game. These are things that you can do that no one else will know you're doing. By the way, I don't want you to have to try to remember all these things. There's a lot of information in the slides. You can access them under the Captions tab and they're also available after this presentation so that you can have them for reference. Reference in the future. Cognitive reframes. You can also just focus on one person's voice instead of multiple or start looking around the room and noticing different things. These are all things you can do that no one will notice. If you notice that you're getting escalated uncrossing your arms and legs, moving your feet, sitting back in your chair, lowering your shoulders. You don't want to do all of these things at once because you'll be, you know, making too much attention. But doing them strategically helps you stay grounded and in your body. Because your nervous system doesn't know the difference between a genuine threat and one that's in your imagination. So these are ways that you can stay calmer in your body. We also want to make sure we can break the avoidance cycle. Because once you've either said something, done something, or fumbled the ball and the last thing you want to do is interact with that person again. But most of the time the best thing you can do is find a way to re engage with them and not avoid them. Because I've known people who have avoided someone so hard they ended up feeling the only outcome that they could take was to quit the job. So prepare in advance. Script out possible responses. If you can, go to the meeting room ahead of time and bring your favorite pen or your favorite coffee mug. Plan your exit strategy so you don't burn bridges. Schedule time after the meeting, and if you have a support person in the company that you can talk with afterwards, set that up in advance, role play conversations that you anticipate being nervous about with safe people. Practice with lower stakes situations and build evidence that you can handle challenges. Most of us are focusing exclusively on what we do wrong and we're failing to pay attention to the many, many things we do right and memorizing certain scripted things like I prepare thoroughly because this matters. Preparation isn't a weakness. If you need to go spend time in the meeting room before the meeting in order to prepare, that's not a weakness. It's strategic planning. And by the way, neurotypical people do this too. Now, once you're activated and you have to do something because the breathing, the moving your body isn't quite holding you, the most important thing is acknowledge, but not apologize. Many of us, including myself, spend way too much time apologizing and explaining and rationalizing. It does not help. The best thing we can do in the moment is acknowledge that something's happening with us, but don't apologize. Rather than saying, oh, I'm sorry, I'm so stupid, I always do this. Say, I need a moment to collect my thoughts. Deliberately lower your voice volume, take longer pauses between words, speak more slowly and deliberately and repeat what you heard rather than just responding to it. What I'm hearing is most people appreciate that because sometimes we just respond to what we thought we heard and that isn't what they said. And now we're getting more escalated by time to process. Stick to what you know. Don't assume motives in other people that you couldn't possibly know because that is part of the 92nd rule when we're telling ourselves, oh, they think I'm an idiot and they never wanted me to be in this position and so forth. It's only prolonging the feelings. And again, for this stage, don't try to fix anything. Just focus on not making it worse. Now, the three things that tend to happen emotionally in the workplace that people get most upset about and really try to manage are tears, anger and overwhelm. Sometimes they happen all at once. Some of us are criers, some of us get mad and some of us shut down. So if tears is your go to, you can normalize it by saying, I'm getting emotional. Because this is important, this matters. You can help reduce the crying by breathing through your nose. And if you can keep talking even though the tears may be coming, it will help you stabilize your breathing. And you won't be crying as hard or as long. If you notice that you're getting angry and that's your emotional dysregulation Uncross your arms, lower your voice, slow your speech, keep your hands visible and unclenched. And if you're going into shutdown, attempt to maintain some level of eye contact, even if it's intermittent, but don't force it. Ask if the person can repeat the question and stick to what is the most important thing to focus on right now so that you are staying cognitively engaged. Now, when you need a break, because this is going to happen too, you are triggered. You tried some of these techniques, or maybe in the moment you forgot that you knew them and you need a break, you can actually take an immediate exit by saying, I need to grab some water now. If you brought your water bottle with you, this won't work. So you need to think ahead on this. Postponing. I'm not at my best right now. Can we revisit this later in the day or tomorrow? Setting boundaries without over explaining, you know I'm going to be more productive after I have a quick reset. If you have a trusted colleague, I'm hitting my emotional limit right now. Can we continue this later? Most of us don't even realize this is an option. And it really, really helps when we just know we're not at our best. And recovery phrases, thank you for your patience. I'm ready to continue now. The takeaway is clear. Direct communication about your needs is more professional than running the risk of losing control. It's better to say, I'm not at my best right now. Can we revisit this later Than to push past your limits and further dysregulate yourself? All of us have to manage emotions at work. Neurotypicals as well. So it's not about becoming someone else. It's about having more skill in being who you already are. When we get to the stage where we have to clear the air in the space model, it means we're on the other side of whatever the dysregulated event is. And sometimes we need to do a little bit of cleanup within the first 24 hours. That's the best time because it prevents it from becoming a thing. And shame that delays our response actually makes it harder for us to address the priorities for how quickly you responded. Are. Is it a key relationship? Is what happened related to continuity of something I'm working on? Is this going to be related to my reputation and am I in a position where I have recovered emotionally? If we have a trusted colleague, we can ask, was that as bad as I thought it was? If they were present, that can be really helpful. To have a reality test and triage. If we really don't know what to do, we really cannot objectively state how bad was that and what do I need to do and how do I need to respond and who do I need to respond to? We can ask ourselves these questions and kind of triage the event. Who was directly affected? What work relationships matter most? Is this a pattern or an isolated incident? And what is my minimum viable response, which is not to go into a big explanation, but to address it quickly, simply and without excess. Apology being strategic instead of emotional means you don't do this before you're ready, because what you'll probably do is overcorrect because you're anxious and in a shame spiral. So give yourself a little bit of time to calm down, regulate a little bit, and then you'll make a better choice about how you want to respond. Now, can you address without over apologizing? If over apologizing is your go to, well, it can be unlearned, but it needs a little bit of practice. I think the best approach is one clear acknowledgment and then move forward. We don't want to get in a situation where we find ourselves apologizing and apologizing and apologizing and then leaving it up to the other person to calm us and reassure us. That actually does more damage. So saying I did not handle that as well as I would have liked. In most cases that is enough. Even if your brain is telling you it isn't. The next thing you do is focus on next steps. Here's how I plan to address similar situations in the future. Avoid the ADHD shame spiral by trying not to bring up your ADHD or over explain how the incident happened. Professional accountability language includes saying, I take responsibility for my behavior or my reaction. They don't need to hear your emotional backstory, and you don't want to ask for reassurance that you aren't in trouble. Now we are still in the clear the air stage of the model. So there are times when what's happened actually requires us to rebuild our professional relationship to some degree. Direct conversations, even though they might be scary, really are the best and are absolutely necessary if it's a high value relationship like your immediate supervisor. If it's a more casual relationship, you've acknowledged it, you've accepted responsibility and you need to let it go, even though that might be hard and you might need a little bit of support from another colleague to not keep circling back to it. But if it's a high value relationship, address it once, address it directly, and let it go with more casual. You might not need to do anything at all. The most important thing though is that you want to demonstrate change. So let a little bit of time go by and let your changed behavior speak for you. That is so much more effective than over apologizing or over explaining. Show up as prepared as you possibly can to the next meeting, to the next performance review, to the next event that's similar to the one where you lost control and just show that you can handle similar situations differently. People do forget because everyone really wants to move past this, not just you. The repair timeline with key people. You want to address it immediately. One to two weeks later. If your behavior is changed, most people are feeling like, okay, that happened and now it's behind us. And it may take though up to one to two months for positive interactions to rebuild trust. So set realistic expectations for yourself. Don't think people are going to be upset with you forever, but also don't expect that the next day everything is going to be fine. You will notice other people may have some changed behavior towards you that may last for a little while and that's okay. You need time to distance from it and and they do too. Some relationships may not recover though, and as much as we don't like to think that that's a possibility, people are people and we can't control them. So don't chase the people who write you off because you had an emotional outburst at work. Focus on the ones who haven't. Now, sometimes we need to take more formal action so we are still in the clear the air stage of the model. Proactive versus reactive. I have ADHD and sometimes I need accommodations around feedback instead of sorry for my outburst, it's my adhd. Now this is appropriate to situations where you have formally acknowledged your ADHD in the workplace through HR or your immediate supervisor. I would not bring it up after there's been an incident for the first time because most people will interpret that as making excuses. You want to focus on context and not excuse. Focus on the solutions, not your limitations. Hey, I want to be successful here and this is what works best for me. I have never heard of a supervisor that didn't welcome a conversation on that level. Instead of saying, hey, I can't do this or that because of my adhd, I want to be successful here and these are the things that work best for me. ADHD and disclosure is a whole other topic for probably a whole other webinar. But focusing on building understanding versus giving the impression that we're making excuses requires that we don't try to do the damage control after an incident when we are still activated. Now, if we have a pattern of incidents that affect relationships, you're probably going to have a need for an advocate. And because there's a potential for discrimination in a situation like that, that advocate is probably going to come from your HR department. When do you talk to your manager? When you need to prevent future misunderstandings, when the incident directly affected the dynamics in your team, or when it is perceived as hindrance to your professional development in that job, you will need to talk to your manager requesting support, be specific, offer solutions and suggest a time frame. Hey, I think this would help. Could we try it for 30 days instead of open ended permission? Most people will work with a solution focused time limited situation. Now the last phase of the space model is evolve your system. What does that mean? Well, basically build a toolkit. We are emotional beings. We will be emotionally triggered. And you can't say that's never going to happen again. It will, so it's better to be prepared. Prevention Have a morning routine, do some breathing exercises, do some meditation. At the very least, get up early enough that you're not racing to get to work on time. If that's your morning routine. I mean you have a habit of getting there barely on time or even late. That is enough because it'll be perceived as a huge improvement. Transition rituals are really helpful when you have trouble coming back from lunch or wrapping up for the day and modifying your environment. If it might be as simple as changing a light bulb or asking if you could have your room painted because the color is overwhelming to you in a sensory manner in the moment. Breathing techniques, self talk and grounding. The simplest way to ground, put both feet flat on the floor so you literally feel that you are supported where you are in the recovery phase. There's physical, emotional, social and cognitive Many, many things beyond the scope of this talk. But keep it simple. Test it first and base it in your sensory preferences and your lifestyles. None of us is going to have exactly the same toolkit as someone else. But we need things for prevention. We need things in the moment and we need things for recovering after the fact. And you can customize which ones work best for you by trying different things. Now, workplace accommodations are something that people ask about a lot. And if we do get dysregulated or triggered and we either get angry, we get tearful, or we shut down pretty regularly in our workplace and we want to keep the job, we like the job, then we're probably overdue for requesting workplace accommodations. But not all workplace accommodations are the same. Some of them really help and others really don't. The ones that I am aware of from my clients and others with ADHD that seem to be the most helpful are asking for feedback privately versus in public. Being given time to process information before being asked to respond. Workflow, where priority tasks are identified and if we need support in doing them, we can get that support. Having protected time with fewer interruptions. And that may be you don't have your own office, but you can use an empty office for certain periods of time. And if you have a big project, in order to stay in the flow and get it done in a timely manner, you might need to request check ins so that your progress can be monitored and you can stay on task. Morning meetings are usually better for people than afternoon meetings because after lunch people are tired, they have a harder time staying focused. Shorter meetings are always positive. I think meetings, especially long meetings, back to back meetings, tend to be triggering for almost all of us. And these are realistic accommodations that we can ask for for communication. This can eliminate probably half of, you know, workplace incidents where we lose our cool, get upset and get stressed out and either get angry, cry or shut down. Getting the agenda in advance, having written follow up, and most of all clear expectations. Asking for that even without disclosing your ADHD diagnosis I think is a must for almost all of us. Some of us also need physical and environmental things like a standing desk if we're a fidgeter, natural lighting if we are triggered by changes in lighting and noise canceling headphones because we can't tune out other people's talking around us. Also technology, the ability to record meetings because you may not remember what was said later, that's a reasonable accommodation. And getting reminders on your calendar so you don't have to try to remember everything yourself. All of these are known to be very, very helpful for folks with adhd and if we don't know what to ask for, we're not going to get them. Accommodations are not special treatment. They are removing the barriers so your skills can shine through. And that is the mindset that we need to have when we request them so that we don't feel like we're asking for something special. Never ever forget that even if you break out in tears, shut down, or get angry at work on a regular basis, you are still amazing. And if you'd like to connect with me after this webinar, there are several Ways you can do that. There are scans here for the ADHD ISH podcast, my website, and a private podcast that I'm not going to spoil the fun and tell you about. You just have to get it and find out.
- [41:34]
Carol Fleck
Well, thank you so much, Diane. So many viewers are saying how spot on and amazing this presentation has been, how it feels like you're talking directly to them. So thank you. Now, to your questions, someone asks, what can you do when you feel like your co workers don't like you?
- [41:56]
Diane Wingert
That's a good one. I'm going to address it kind of generally and I might not say what you expect. Sometimes you're right, sometimes you're right. And I think sometimes if you were to go to a therapist and you were saying, I think my co workers don't like me, the therapist would probably start to say, oh, I'm sure that's not true, and start to give you all kinds of reasons. But in truth, sometimes people don't like us. And so I think in general, not trying too hard to win people over who just may not be your people is probably the first thing I would recommend. Because sometimes that's what we do. We have a sense that someone doesn't like us and we think that we need to make them like us. It can be a colossal waste of time. But the other thing is, what are we basing that on? Are we basing it on our behaviors? Are we basing it on whether they include us in things? Are we base it on the fact that maybe they seek out other people in the office, but they don't seek us out? And are we willing to initiate when we wait for other people to include us? We may be in for a long wait because maybe everyone else in the office has been there a long time and you're the newcomer if you are excluded from things. While I understand that triggers rejection, sensitivity, there are ways that you can open things up and test it out. I think sometimes just letting people know, hey, I'm going to be going to such and such, you know, deli for lunch, anyone want to come? And risking being turned down but going anyway. I think what we tend to do is when we have the belief that people don't like us, we stop putting ourselves out, we stop initiating, we stop offering because we're trying to protect ourselves. But that can become a self fulfilling prophecy too. So I think in ways that feel as low risk as possible, initiate. And sometimes that might mean you bring a pizza in to the office if you can afford that, if it's important to you to be included at the office. I think it might be something that you have to take responsibility for initiating and then test it out.
- [44:15]
Carol Fleck
I love that. I love those suggestions. Bringing in food.
- [44:20]
Diane Wingert
People love free food. They do.
- [44:25]
Carol Fleck
Someone says, my boss talks to me in a disrespectful manner, how do I counter this?
- [44:35]
Diane Wingert
Yeah, that's a tough one. Because sometimes we feel disrespected by someone who isn't actually disrespecting us. Sometimes it's a cultural difference, sometimes it's a communication style difference. Sometimes we don't realize that this person actually reminds us of an authority figure in our life that we felt disrespected by. So there's so many different things. You know, my therapy background tells me that it's usually not so simple as we might guess, but it is possible that we have a disrespectful boss because not all of them are good ones. I think you have a number of options. And one of them is saying, I'm not, I'm not sure what you mean by that. And not like, why. If you say, like, why are you talking to me that way? Obviously that's confrontational and they're going to get defensive or going to pretend they don't know what you're talking about. But when they say something that you feel is disrespectful, if you could say, I'm not sure what you mean by that, you're being curious, you're being respectful, and you're giving them an opportunity to kind of pause in the moment and rethink what they said and how they said it. If they come back with something that feels equally disrespected, it might be time to be thinking about, you know, whether you need support from hr, whether other people have this experience with that individual. Sometimes we, we really get very narrowly focused and start thinking very black and white about something. And what can really be helpful is noticing, do other people experience that from this person? And if not, what is it about my relationship with this person where this is present? Sometimes we are interpreting things wrong, sometimes we're projecting things, and sometimes we're picking up on something that is actually there that hasn't been acknowledged. If you feel brave enough to do this, and I have known people who've done this, you might say, you know, sometimes I get the feeling that you care much. For me, that sounds like a very high risk situation. But sometimes it can be an absolute game changer. Because if you like the job and you want to stay in the job, but you are struggling with a boss that you feel is disrespectful. Sometimes you need to test whether the relationship can improve by asking an open ended question. Sometimes I get the feeling you don't care much for me. You don't say you don't hate me. And I wouldn't actually use the term respect because that is a really tricky word that might trigger the boss. I hope that helps.
- [47:30]
Carol Fleck
That's amazing. That's an amazing response. And if I heard that, I think I would. Maybe the person isn't even aware of their tone or what makes them feel that they've been disrespectful. And it's. You just jump back and you say, wow, okay, that's a great response. Someone asks, I really struggle with managing anxiety and guilt when I'm behind in my work, which usually makes me paralyzed and further behind. Do you have any concrete tips to get over this hurdle and not allow the paralysis to take over?
- [48:08]
Diane Wingert
I would say it depends on whether you're behind in your work because you are having difficulty managing your time and responsibilities or whether you're behind in your work because the expectations are unrealistic about what human beings can get done or because priorities and expectations are not communicated well. So if it's, you know, and I understand when we, we procrastinate we. So we don't get started on time. We're perfectionists. So we don't wrap things up on time. We have time blindness. So we lose track of when the thing was due to begin with. And then we feel guilt and shame about all of this, which doesn't help things get wrapped up either. So if it's, if it's us attitude has so many wonderful resources for dealing with procrastination, perfectionism, all of that. If it's on the other side though. So I'm not going to go into that because there's so many resources through this organization that we can take advantage of already. Sometimes we need to be having more frequent reminders. Sometimes we need to ask for more reminders of when things are due. Sometimes we need to ask what is the priority here? Because I am unable to get all of these things done within the time limit. And sometimes we're just not getting clear information from our supervisors about what the real priorities are. Most of the time, bosses know when they're giving people too much work and when they're not being clear about what is the number one thing to get finished and do that first and then do this and then do that. We don't end up completing any of them and then we think it's on us. So I would just say in conclusion for this question, if it's because of your own time management issues, then giving yourself systems, structures and accountability to help with that helps reduce the anxiety and guilt. It's the guilt part is what I'm kind of focusing on. Because are we feeling guilty because we didn't do what we needed to do when we needed to do it? And on the other side, many workplaces have unclear expectations and don't remind people when things are done, they just spring it on them. And if that's the case, we can absolutely ask on a regular basis. There, you've given me all these things. What is the top priority? What is the most urgent deadline here? And then plan our work accordingly.
- [50:46]
Carol Fleck
Okay, someone says, how do you move past shame from failures at work? I've had so many.
- [50:57]
Diane Wingert
Well, the bottom line is learning to practice radical self acceptance. And that is something that takes time to teach ourselves that we, we actually get to think and believe whatever we want about ourselves. We don't, we don't think that's true. But actually, if you've ever met a person who makes tons of mistakes, shames themselves left and right, and still manages to have pretty healthy self esteem, they know something that most of us don't know, and that is this. We actually get to decide whether we can like, love, accept and approve of ourselves regardless of the mistakes we make. But most of us think that making mistakes invalidates us and denies our ability to accept ourselves. So I think there's a lot of great self love techniques that we can use and we need to make a decision that we deserve to forgive ourselves. No one can make that decision for us. And we can never make up for mistakes enough to prove ourselves that it would be acceptable for us not to feel shame. It really comes down to a decision. One of my favorite techniques is to practice affirmations on a regular basis. Affirmations are not new, but they really do work if we do them. And there's an app that I recommend called Think Up. There's a free version and a paid version. The free version is really fine. And you choose the affirmations that you repeat on a regular basis. I tell people repeat them in the morning, just let it play. You record them in your own voice on this app. So it's your voice that's saying positive things to you. It's the same voice that's usually talking you know what to yourself with. So you're literally overriding Riding those negative beliefs and negative self talk by practicing new ones, you really will find over time that your opinion of yourself does start to shift and no one can do this for you. It's an inside job. Wow.
- [53:09]
Carol Fleck
Someone asked, do you believe someone with ADHD should let their manager or colleagues know they have adhd? Might this help or or heard these key workplace relationships, especially around considerations of managing emotions? And she also said this is incredibly helpful. Thank you.
- [53:28]
Diane Wingert
Oh, you're so welcome. This is an excellent, excellent question and I think a lot of people think about it kind of in a all or nothing way, like I need to go disclose my ADHD to HR and then tell everybody this is who I am and this is how I am and these are all the problems that I have and this is the kind of help I need. In most cases that is is not a good idea because unfortunately here we are in 2025 and while there are so many more resources for knowledge about adhd, there is still quite a bit of myth, stigma and misunderstanding. So I wouldn't necessarily have a blanket, yeah, tell everybody because, you know, knowledge is power. What I would say in most cases is that letting people know what you need without actually naming the ADHD in most cases is going to be more effective. For example, how I might do it is. And this actually happened. Real story, I was at work, somebody intercepted me in the ladies room and said, oh, Diane Winger, just who I wanted to talk to. And they started to tell me something and I dried my hands, turned to them and said I'm much better at responding to written requests. Would you mind shooting me an email when you get back to your office? And I didn't say, hey, I have ADHD and I have a terrible working memory and I'm probably going to completely forget this conversation ever happened. So would you mind? Not necessary. I'm saying, hey, this is what I need. Or boss, would it be possible for me to skip this particular meeting? Because three meetings back to back on Wednesday mornings make it really hard for me to be productive on Wednesday afternoons. Asking for what we need based on our self awareness and really treating it like it's a no big deal in most cases is so much more effective than disclosing our ADHD to people that may or may not be able to understand it and may or may not be able to accept us as a result. Yeah.
- [55:41]
Carol Fleck
Someone asked, what's the best way to handle a micromanaging boss Quit.
- [55:46]
Diane Wingert
No, just kidding, actually. And I'm not, I'm only half kidding, to be honest with You. Because some micromanaging, sometimes it's just a person's style and they don't really realize they're doing it. Sometimes it's just a really controlling person that just does not trust people and believes that if they're not constantly hovering over you, you're not going to do the work. You're probably not going to change that person's mind. Now, if they're micromanaging you and they're not micromanaging others, that's information. And that information may be because we miss deadlines or we ask questions repeatedly that they've already answered things that are probably related to our adhd. So I would pay attention to what we're calling a micromanaging boss. Look around and see, are they micromanaging others or just me? And in what ways are they micromanaging me? Are they asking me repeatedly, hey, did you send that report? Hey, where are you on the XYZ project? That may indicate that they have picked up on the fact that we might procrastinate, we might be focusing on the wrong thing at the wrong time. We might not communicate where we are in a project that. That involves other people. And that's something we can then take responsibility for and communicate more proactively, which, if that's the scenario, they have much less need to micromanage. Sometimes what we call micromanaging is somebody trying to work with our ADHD tendencies. And if that is the case, we can say, hey, I noticed that you send me a lot more reminders or you stop by my desk a lot more often, or you ask me frequently where I am on a particular project. Would it be helpful if I regularly update you? Would it be helpful if I send you a weekly update on where I am on each of my priority projects? If you do that, though, make sure you schedule that. Make sure you give yourself a notification, and make sure you actually do it.
- [57:59]
Carol Fleck
Okay? Very proactive.
- [58:01]
Diane Wingert
Yeah.
- [58:03]
Carol Fleck
Someone says, what if your bosses or colleagues are bullying you?
- [58:10]
Diane Wingert
If it's genuine bullying, you need to go to hr, because that is. And we're not just talking one person. You use the plural. So if it's one person, that may be a problematic employee that needs to be dealt with. If it's multiple, in my experience in the workplace, that is evidence of a toxic workplace culture where the management is not ensuring safety. And so if you have an HR department, if it's something that's been going on, I would say it's most likely something you have to involve them with. And you might frankly need to leave because there are toxic workplace cultures and unfortunately far too many of them, and putting ourselves in a situation where we are being bullied, or even because of our justice sensitivity and environmental sensitivity. Maybe we're not the one being bullied, but we see other people around us being bullied. That may disrupt our executive functioning and dysregulate our emotions just as effectively as if it was happening to us. And that may not be something that we can learn to manage. That might be something we actually need to avoid.
- [59:28]
Carol Fleck
Okay, well, unfortunately we're out of time, so that has to be our last question. Diane, thank you so much for joining us today and for sharing your expertise with our ADHD community. We really appreciate it. My pleasure and thank you to today's listeners. If you would like to access the event resources, visit attitudemag.com and search podcast 579. The slides and recording are posted a few hours after each live webinar. If you're listening in replay mode, simply click on the episode description. Please know that our full library of Attitude webinars is available as a podcast. It's called the ADHD Experts Podcast, and it's available on most streaming platforms. Make sure you don't miss future Attitude webinars articles or research updates by signing up to receive our free email newsletters@attitudemag.com newsletters thanks everyone. Have a great day.
- [60:30]
Diane Wingert
For more Attitude Podcast and information on living well with attention deficit, visit attitudemag.com that's a D D I T U D e m a g.com.
- [60:50]
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