ADHD Experts Podcast – Episode 581

Roundtable: The Hidden Complexities of Men with ADHD
Date: October 28, 2025
Host: Carol Fleck (ADDitude)
Co-Host: Brendan Mahan (ADHD Essentials Podcast)
Panelists: Mark Almodovar, Shane Thrapp, Jesse J. Anderson, Kyris Keenan Westcott

Overview

This roundtable discussion—timed for ADHD Awareness Month—brings together leading ADHD advocates and creators to candidly explore the nuanced realities faced by men with ADHD. Shifting focus from the childhood hyperactive boy stereotype, the panel dives deep into adult male experiences: emotional dysregulation, masking, societal pressures on masculinity, the challenges of intimacy, cultural stigma, self-medicating, and unique aspects of fatherhood. The panel emphasizes both the isolation many men feel and the critical value of supportive peer communities.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What People Need to Know About Men with ADHD (05:04–15:16)

Stigma & Lack of Support:
- Although boys are often diagnosed early and studied, adult men lack dedicated support and advocacy ("There wasn't really, like any support groups or any resources out there for men with ADHD." – Mark Almodovar, 05:38).
- Men often fear that seeking help or taking medication makes them "less of a man."
- Notable Quote:
  "Getting support for your ADHD is not only not a bad thing, but a really, really good thing that will only support you." – Mark Almodovar (06:31)
Masking & Stoicism:
- Men are conditioned to hide their struggles, fostering isolation and burnout ("We're burning out in silence because we don't know how to open up..." – Shane Thrapp, 07:01).
- Topics like emotional struggles, sexual issues, and shame feel taboo.
- Isolation increases suicide risk (men with ADHD have 34% higher suicidal ideation; 08:30).
Societal Expectations:
- Traditional masculinity ("be stoic, unemotional, the provider") conflicts with ADHD symptoms, especially emotional dysregulation and inconsistency (Jesse J. Anderson, 09:10).
- Men often internalize failure, seeing struggles as character flaws ("I realized that it wasn't a character flaw. It was a wiring difference." – Kyris Keenan Westcott, 12:03).

Memorable Moment

"Men with ADHD, we don't need fixing. We just need a little grace. We need a little curiosity, and we need to know that it's not too late to start understanding ourselves for the very first time." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (13:18)

2. The Thread of Isolation (13:26–15:16)

Brendan Mahan summarizes, reflecting how isolation is a throughline for men with ADHD:
"All of that is just screaming the way that ADHD can cause men to feel isolated..." (14:26)

3. Masculinity and Masking (15:50–33:17)

Workplace & Family Dynamics:
- Men describe being able to manage work responsibilities but unable to organize their own lives—intensifying shame and feeling “broken” (Shane Thrapp, 16:29).
- Both Mark and Shane share the exhaustion and burnout caused by chronic masking and failure to recharge ("We are able to talk about our problems…but we're recharging that phone a little bit as opposed to letting ourselves be at 2%." – Mark Almodovar, 20:50).
The Nuances of Unmasking:
- Unmasking is risky—sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it comes out as anger or shutdown (Brendan Mahan, 23:37).
- Psychological safety to “unmask” depends greatly on the environment ("Do I feel safe unmasking in the right places? Yes. But I also think the bigger mission is creating a world where I don't have to think about whether it's safe..." – Kyris Keenan Westcott, 25:15).
Finding Community:
- In neurodivergent/ADHD spaces, the pressure to mask falls away, fostering genuine connections ("The first time I attended the International ADHD conference…maybe the first time in my life where I was like, I can be completely unmasked… I can be fully myself because everyone here gets it." – Jesse J. Anderson, 27:37).
- Peer support and meetups are highlighted as essential for healing and self-discovery (Mark Almodovar, 31:35).

4. Cultural Stigma and ADHD (33:17–39:12)

Latinx Perspective:
- Mark details resistance and misunderstanding in Hispanic communities, where ADHD is often dismissed as laziness or lack of discipline ("…my mother was able to…believe what I was saying and get me the support that I needed…" – Mark Almodovar, 34:36).
- Importance of storytelling and sharing experiences within the community.
Black Experience:
- Kyris Keenan Westcott shares how, in Black working-class communities, men are taught to "work hard, don't complain, hold it together—period." Vulnerability is stigmatized (36:04).
- Cultural expectation to be "twice as good, work twice as hard, and never let anybody see you crack" exacerbates masking and burnout.
- Notable Quote:
  "Silence isn't strength. Overcompensation isn't healing. And pretending that you're fine doesn't make the pain inside go away—it just hides it." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (37:36)

5. The Pain of ADHD – Does It Go Away? (39:12–41:16)

The panel agrees: the pain doesn’t fully disappear, but better understanding and management stops it from compounding with shame and self-blame.
Recognizing and addressing shame spirals is critical.

6. Authenticity and Cultural Constraints (41:16–43:27)

Society’s “man box” is confining; ADHD often pushes men outside those boundaries, which can be a double-edged sword ("We get a little bit of wiggle room…It's not great, because we need way more wiggle room than we actually get…" – Brendan Mahan, 42:06).
Diagnosis brings relief and permission to understand one’s uniqueness.

7. ADHD, Masculinity, and Intimacy (43:53–59:04)

Intimacy Challenges:
- Past experiences and masking can inhibit true intimacy.
- Both Shane Thrapp and Kyris Westcott share their contrasting experiences: for Shane, intimacy is more about connection and acts of service; for Kyris, sex is grounding and regulating but the craving for novelty can be complicated.
- Communication and Safety within relationships are vital; men often lack space to talk about sensitive topics (erectile dysfunction, kinks) which can harm relationships.
- Unconventional neurodivergent "love languages" such as meme-sharing and inside jokes are highlighted (Shane Thrapp, 47:33).
- Open dialogue reduces shame and supports better mutual understanding.
Love Bombing and Hyperfixation:
- ADHD-related hyperfocus may lead to unintentional "love bombing"—overwhelming new partners with attention, possibly as a form of social masking and desire for acceptance ("My assumption was that if I was interested in a girl, I needed to be what that girl's dating profile said she wanted in a dude." – Shane Thrapp, 54:15).
- Emotional intensity and impulsivity can complicate relationship dynamics (Brendan Mahan, 57:30).

8. Emotional Dysregulation and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) (59:06–75:50)

Lifelong Struggle:
- Panelists describe being told from childhood they were "too emotional."
RSD:
- Described as feeling rejection as "almost like pain in the chest" (Jesse J. Anderson, 62:16).
- Emotional responses often feel fully justified in the moment.
Strategies to Manage Emotional Dysregulation:
- Practicing the “power of the pause”—taking breaks before reacting (Jesse J. Anderson, 66:29).
- Communication with partners/friends about triggers and co-regulation (Shane Thrapp, 68:03).
- Small strategies like putting a hand over the mouth or physically pausing are suggested (Jesse J. Anderson, 71:07).
- The importance of adult modeling and helping children/partners co-regulate during dysregulation.

9. Fatherhood and Masking (75:50–80:25)

Pressure of Leadership:
- Fathers (and leaders) feel pressured to constantly mask and “hold it together,” modeling stability for their families.
- When Brendan Mahan broke down during his son's mental health crisis, it led to unintended consequences—kids became more protective of their feelings (76:34).
- The need for balance: being human while not overburdening children emotionally.

Notable Quotes & Moments

"Getting support for your ADHD is not only not a bad thing, but a really, really good thing..." – Mark Almodovar (06:31)
"Men with ADHD, we don't need fixing. We just…need a little grace." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (13:18)
"Silence isn't strength. Overcompensation isn't healing. And pretending that you're fine doesn't make the pain inside go away—it just hides it." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (37:36)
"You can't be authentic if you don't know who you are... when you get the diagnosis…you have permission, kind of, to be overwhelmed sometimes, because now I know that I have a reason." – Brendan Mahan (42:06)
"My intimacy is different and that's okay… a lot of men don't have that… They can't talk to their wives about their erectile dysfunction... It's not okay. It's not safe." – Shane Thrapp (48:51)

Audience Q&A & Practical Tips

How do male ADHD characteristics differ from female ADHD? (80:59)

Men: Externalize symptoms (impulsivity, restlessness, emotional outbursts), often punished for showing them.
Women: More likely to internalize (anxiety, people-pleasing), misdiagnosed or overlooked.
"Men get punished for showing [ADHD]. Women get dismissed for hiding it." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (82:23)
Humorous sidebar: “My beard is beautiful and I love my beard.” – Shane Thrapp (83:36)
Many keep beards simply for comfort/convenience (it's less “toxic masculinity,” more ADHD-friendly routine avoidance).

Advice for Men Who Self-Medicate (Alcohol, Cannabis) (84:11)

Panelists urge caution; self-medicating with THC or alcohol ultimately worsens ADHD symptoms and interferes with medication (Shane Thrapp, 84:16).
Exercise—even niche interests—can be a more dopamine-boosting alternative.

How to Build Up Boys and Teen Boys with ADHD (86:11)

Emphasize confidence, healthy accountability, and combating shame spirals ("…day 11 is a thing, and we're not defined by that." – Mark Almodovar, 87:14).
Positive reinforcement and encouragement are critical (Jesse J. Anderson, 87:44).
Encourage creativity over consumption (Brendan Mahan, 88:47).

Timestamps for Major Segments

[05:04] – What Men with ADHD Need: Panelist Introductions and Insights
[13:26] – The Thread of Isolation for Men with ADHD
[16:29] – Navigating Masculinity, Masking, and Shame
[22:37] – Is it Safe to Unmask?
[25:01] – Finding Community & Radical Acceptance
[33:17] – Stigma in Hispanic and Black Communities
[39:12] – Does Pain Ever Go Away?
[43:53] – ADHD, Masculinity & Intimacy: Sex and Connection
[54:10] – Hyperfocus, Love Bombing, and Relationship Challenges
[59:06] – Emotional Dysregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
[75:50] – Fatherhood, Masking, and Modeling Emotional Health
[80:59] – Q&A: Gender Differences, Self-Medicating, Supporting Boys

Final Takeaways

Men with ADHD exist at the intersection of societal expectation, stigma, and neurodivergence.
They battle loneliness and shame, often without language or safe spaces to process their experience.
Peer support and community radically change the journey—from mere survival to authentic living.
Real change requires both personal grace and societal openness—to move beyond "fixing" to understanding and support.

For resources and community, visit additudemag.com and search “podcast 581.”

ADHD Experts Podcast – Episode 581

Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What People Need to Know About Men with ADHD (05:04–15:16)

Stigma & Lack of Support:
- Although boys are often diagnosed early and studied, adult men lack dedicated support and advocacy ("There wasn't really, like any support groups or any resources out there for men with ADHD." – Mark Almodovar, 05:38).
- Men often fear that seeking help or taking medication makes them "less of a man."
- Notable Quote:
  "Getting support for your ADHD is not only not a bad thing, but a really, really good thing that will only support you." – Mark Almodovar (06:31)
Masking & Stoicism:
- Men are conditioned to hide their struggles, fostering isolation and burnout ("We're burning out in silence because we don't know how to open up..." – Shane Thrapp, 07:01).
- Topics like emotional struggles, sexual issues, and shame feel taboo.
- Isolation increases suicide risk (men with ADHD have 34% higher suicidal ideation; 08:30).
Societal Expectations:
- Traditional masculinity ("be stoic, unemotional, the provider") conflicts with ADHD symptoms, especially emotional dysregulation and inconsistency (Jesse J. Anderson, 09:10).
- Men often internalize failure, seeing struggles as character flaws ("I realized that it wasn't a character flaw. It was a wiring difference." – Kyris Keenan Westcott, 12:03).

Memorable Moment

2. The Thread of Isolation (13:26–15:16)

Brendan Mahan summarizes, reflecting how isolation is a throughline for men with ADHD:
"All of that is just screaming the way that ADHD can cause men to feel isolated..." (14:26)

3. Masculinity and Masking (15:50–33:17)

Workplace & Family Dynamics:
- Men describe being able to manage work responsibilities but unable to organize their own lives—intensifying shame and feeling “broken” (Shane Thrapp, 16:29).
- Both Mark and Shane share the exhaustion and burnout caused by chronic masking and failure to recharge ("We are able to talk about our problems…but we're recharging that phone a little bit as opposed to letting ourselves be at 2%." – Mark Almodovar, 20:50).
The Nuances of Unmasking:
- Unmasking is risky—sometimes it’s healthy, sometimes it comes out as anger or shutdown (Brendan Mahan, 23:37).
- Psychological safety to “unmask” depends greatly on the environment ("Do I feel safe unmasking in the right places? Yes. But I also think the bigger mission is creating a world where I don't have to think about whether it's safe..." – Kyris Keenan Westcott, 25:15).
Finding Community:
- In neurodivergent/ADHD spaces, the pressure to mask falls away, fostering genuine connections ("The first time I attended the International ADHD conference…maybe the first time in my life where I was like, I can be completely unmasked… I can be fully myself because everyone here gets it." – Jesse J. Anderson, 27:37).
- Peer support and meetups are highlighted as essential for healing and self-discovery (Mark Almodovar, 31:35).

4. Cultural Stigma and ADHD (33:17–39:12)

Latinx Perspective:
- Mark details resistance and misunderstanding in Hispanic communities, where ADHD is often dismissed as laziness or lack of discipline ("…my mother was able to…believe what I was saying and get me the support that I needed…" – Mark Almodovar, 34:36).
- Importance of storytelling and sharing experiences within the community.
Black Experience:
- Kyris Keenan Westcott shares how, in Black working-class communities, men are taught to "work hard, don't complain, hold it together—period." Vulnerability is stigmatized (36:04).
- Cultural expectation to be "twice as good, work twice as hard, and never let anybody see you crack" exacerbates masking and burnout.
- Notable Quote:
  "Silence isn't strength. Overcompensation isn't healing. And pretending that you're fine doesn't make the pain inside go away—it just hides it." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (37:36)

5. The Pain of ADHD – Does It Go Away? (39:12–41:16)

The panel agrees: the pain doesn’t fully disappear, but better understanding and management stops it from compounding with shame and self-blame.
Recognizing and addressing shame spirals is critical.

6. Authenticity and Cultural Constraints (41:16–43:27)

Society’s “man box” is confining; ADHD often pushes men outside those boundaries, which can be a double-edged sword ("We get a little bit of wiggle room…It's not great, because we need way more wiggle room than we actually get…" – Brendan Mahan, 42:06).
Diagnosis brings relief and permission to understand one’s uniqueness.

7. ADHD, Masculinity, and Intimacy (43:53–59:04)

Intimacy Challenges:
- Past experiences and masking can inhibit true intimacy.
- Both Shane Thrapp and Kyris Westcott share their contrasting experiences: for Shane, intimacy is more about connection and acts of service; for Kyris, sex is grounding and regulating but the craving for novelty can be complicated.
- Communication and Safety within relationships are vital; men often lack space to talk about sensitive topics (erectile dysfunction, kinks) which can harm relationships.
- Unconventional neurodivergent "love languages" such as meme-sharing and inside jokes are highlighted (Shane Thrapp, 47:33).
- Open dialogue reduces shame and supports better mutual understanding.
Love Bombing and Hyperfixation:
- ADHD-related hyperfocus may lead to unintentional "love bombing"—overwhelming new partners with attention, possibly as a form of social masking and desire for acceptance ("My assumption was that if I was interested in a girl, I needed to be what that girl's dating profile said she wanted in a dude." – Shane Thrapp, 54:15).
- Emotional intensity and impulsivity can complicate relationship dynamics (Brendan Mahan, 57:30).

8. Emotional Dysregulation and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) (59:06–75:50)

Lifelong Struggle:
- Panelists describe being told from childhood they were "too emotional."
RSD:
- Described as feeling rejection as "almost like pain in the chest" (Jesse J. Anderson, 62:16).
- Emotional responses often feel fully justified in the moment.
Strategies to Manage Emotional Dysregulation:
- Practicing the “power of the pause”—taking breaks before reacting (Jesse J. Anderson, 66:29).
- Communication with partners/friends about triggers and co-regulation (Shane Thrapp, 68:03).
- Small strategies like putting a hand over the mouth or physically pausing are suggested (Jesse J. Anderson, 71:07).
- The importance of adult modeling and helping children/partners co-regulate during dysregulation.

9. Fatherhood and Masking (75:50–80:25)

Pressure of Leadership:
- Fathers (and leaders) feel pressured to constantly mask and “hold it together,” modeling stability for their families.
- When Brendan Mahan broke down during his son's mental health crisis, it led to unintended consequences—kids became more protective of their feelings (76:34).
- The need for balance: being human while not overburdening children emotionally.

Notable Quotes & Moments

"Getting support for your ADHD is not only not a bad thing, but a really, really good thing..." – Mark Almodovar (06:31)
"Men with ADHD, we don't need fixing. We just…need a little grace." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (13:18)
"Silence isn't strength. Overcompensation isn't healing. And pretending that you're fine doesn't make the pain inside go away—it just hides it." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (37:36)
"You can't be authentic if you don't know who you are... when you get the diagnosis…you have permission, kind of, to be overwhelmed sometimes, because now I know that I have a reason." – Brendan Mahan (42:06)
"My intimacy is different and that's okay… a lot of men don't have that… They can't talk to their wives about their erectile dysfunction... It's not okay. It's not safe." – Shane Thrapp (48:51)

Audience Q&A & Practical Tips

How do male ADHD characteristics differ from female ADHD? (80:59)

Men: Externalize symptoms (impulsivity, restlessness, emotional outbursts), often punished for showing them.
Women: More likely to internalize (anxiety, people-pleasing), misdiagnosed or overlooked.
"Men get punished for showing [ADHD]. Women get dismissed for hiding it." – Kyris Keenan Westcott (82:23)
Humorous sidebar: “My beard is beautiful and I love my beard.” – Shane Thrapp (83:36)
Many keep beards simply for comfort/convenience (it's less “toxic masculinity,” more ADHD-friendly routine avoidance).

Advice for Men Who Self-Medicate (Alcohol, Cannabis) (84:11)

Panelists urge caution; self-medicating with THC or alcohol ultimately worsens ADHD symptoms and interferes with medication (Shane Thrapp, 84:16).
Exercise—even niche interests—can be a more dopamine-boosting alternative.

How to Build Up Boys and Teen Boys with ADHD (86:11)

Emphasize confidence, healthy accountability, and combating shame spirals ("…day 11 is a thing, and we're not defined by that." – Mark Almodovar, 87:14).
Positive reinforcement and encouragement are critical (Jesse J. Anderson, 87:44).
Encourage creativity over consumption (Brendan Mahan, 88:47).

Timestamps for Major Segments

[05:04] – What Men with ADHD Need: Panelist Introductions and Insights
[13:26] – The Thread of Isolation for Men with ADHD
[16:29] – Navigating Masculinity, Masking, and Shame
[22:37] – Is it Safe to Unmask?
[25:01] – Finding Community & Radical Acceptance
[33:17] – Stigma in Hispanic and Black Communities
[39:12] – Does Pain Ever Go Away?
[43:53] – ADHD, Masculinity & Intimacy: Sex and Connection
[54:10] – Hyperfocus, Love Bombing, and Relationship Challenges
[59:06] – Emotional Dysregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
[75:50] – Fatherhood, Masking, and Modeling Emotional Health
[80:59] – Q&A: Gender Differences, Self-Medicating, Supporting Boys

Final Takeaways

Men with ADHD exist at the intersection of societal expectation, stigma, and neurodivergence.
They battle loneliness and shame, often without language or safe spaces to process their experience.
Peer support and community radically change the journey—from mere survival to authentic living.
Real change requires both personal grace and societal openness—to move beyond "fixing" to understanding and support.

For resources and community, visit additudemag.com and search “podcast 581.”

581- Roundtable: The Hidden Complexities of Men with ADHD

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Summary

ADHD Experts Podcast – Episode 581

Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What People Need to Know About Men with ADHD (05:04–15:16)

Memorable Moment

2. The Thread of Isolation (13:26–15:16)

3. Masculinity and Masking (15:50–33:17)

4. Cultural Stigma and ADHD (33:17–39:12)

5. The Pain of ADHD – Does It Go Away? (39:12–41:16)

6. Authenticity and Cultural Constraints (41:16–43:27)

7. ADHD, Masculinity, and Intimacy (43:53–59:04)

8. Emotional Dysregulation and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) (59:06–75:50)

9. Fatherhood and Masking (75:50–80:25)

Notable Quotes & Moments

Audience Q&A & Practical Tips

How do male ADHD characteristics differ from female ADHD? (80:59)

Advice for Men Who Self-Medicate (Alcohol, Cannabis) (84:11)

How to Build Up Boys and Teen Boys with ADHD (86:11)

Timestamps for Major Segments

Final Takeaways

Summary

ADHD Experts Podcast – Episode 581

Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What People Need to Know About Men with ADHD (05:04–15:16)

Memorable Moment

2. The Thread of Isolation (13:26–15:16)

3. Masculinity and Masking (15:50–33:17)

4. Cultural Stigma and ADHD (33:17–39:12)

5. The Pain of ADHD – Does It Go Away? (39:12–41:16)

6. Authenticity and Cultural Constraints (41:16–43:27)

7. ADHD, Masculinity, and Intimacy (43:53–59:04)

8. Emotional Dysregulation and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) (59:06–75:50)

9. Fatherhood and Masking (75:50–80:25)

Notable Quotes & Moments

Audience Q&A & Practical Tips

How do male ADHD characteristics differ from female ADHD? (80:59)

Advice for Men Who Self-Medicate (Alcohol, Cannabis) (84:11)

How to Build Up Boys and Teen Boys with ADHD (86:11)

Timestamps for Major Segments

Final Takeaways