Podcast Summary: ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka

EP. 355: Heartbreak, Rejection, and ADHD: A Survival Guide (with Kiersten Lyons)

Date: October 22, 2025

Overview of the Episode

This episode spotlights heartbreak, rejection, and the unique ADHD experience—particularly for women—through the lens of guest Kiersten Lyons. Tracy Otsuka welcomes Kiersten, an actress, writer, and author of the memoir Crushed: The Boys that Never Liked Me Back, to discuss her journey through a very public breakup, her later ADHD diagnosis, and how heartbreak ultimately led her toward radical self-acceptance and resilience. The conversation challenges “too muchness,” explores rejection sensitivity, and offers hope and practical wisdom to ADHD women navigating their own stories of disappointment, difference, and growth.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. ADHD Diagnosis in Adulthood

• Family History & Misconceptions
  • ADHD was a family joke but never formally addressed; Kiersten’s high-achieving eldest daughter persona masked her struggles ([07:49]).
  • "It never even crossed my mind that I actually had it because...I was high achieving, I was eldest daughter, I was taking care of everybody." – Kiersten ([07:49])
• Diagnosis Story
  • Sparked through seeking a diagnosis for her son; hearing her cousin’s similar story and being recognized by a pediatrician as "raging ADHD" herself ([09:36]).
  • Navigated masking and building workarounds; found validation after diagnosis. Felt "so seen" ([11:49]).
• Generational and Family Mental Health
  • Open discussions about mental health were normalized in her house, especially with her bipolar and ADHD mother.
  • "One of the biggest gifts my parents gave me is they were so open about mental health. It was never a shameful thing." – Kiersten ([12:21])

2. Growing Up: High Achievement & Struggles

• Childhood Traits and Coping
  • High energy, “parentified” oldest sibling, laser-focused on external caretaking but neglectful of self ([15:45]).
  • Hyperverbal (“she talks too much”), persistent, and enthusiastic, especially about learning.
  • Major pattern recognition skills, super empathetic, but socially "a lot," often told she was “too much” ([18:23]).
• Difference and Loneliness
  • Frequently felt alone due to her intense feelings and observant nature.
  • Codependency tendencies and drive to be valued for caretaking ([21:49]).
  • “I think I always felt, like, lonely...When you're the kid that can see choices and patterns, I was annoying.” – Kiersten ([20:24])

3. Acting, Rejection Sensitivity & Hollywood

• Hollywood as a Magnet for Neurodivergence
  • Lots of ADHD traits among actors; creativity plus drive for acceptance and love ([23:51]).
  • Sought validation through performance and fame, believing this would make her finally “enough” ([25:52]).
• Coping with Rejection Sensitivity
  • Acting world is “horrible in some ways, beautiful in others.” Rejection sensitivity was massive—understood only after learning about this ADHD trait ([27:37]).
  • “A massive part of me with ADHD is rejection sensitivity, which I didn’t even learn about until, what, two years ago? And then I'm like, oh my God, like, this is me.” – Kiersten ([27:37])
• Confidence Journey
  • Left LA and acting to recover self-worth; eventually found more confidence through separation from the industry ([29:37]).

4. Heartbreak as Catalyst for Change

• Publicly Unraveling Engagement
  • Fiancé broke up with her (after cheating) while wedding invitations were being prepared; his subsequent reality TV win made the saga public ([03:36], [05:38]).
  • “I actually signed the book deal 15 years to the day he told me that he did not love me and that he cheated.” – Kiersten ([06:02])
• Moving Beyond Revenge and Victim Narratives
  • Kiersten stresses her story is not about revenge: “I don’t absolve him of what he did, but I forgive him and I wish him well. Like, I don’t want to hold that.” ([06:44])
  • Finding the “both/and”—allowing for both pain and hope.

5. The Writing of Crushed and Purpose

• Book Origins and Mission
  • Developed first as a one-woman show, then as a book after viral TikTok posts and encouragement from followers.
  • Heartbreak statistics about girls and young women motivated her to share a message of hope and belonging ([33:23]).
• Publishing Journey
  • Overcame industry resistance—”you’re not Tina Fey”—and eventual connection with a collaborative, values-driven publisher ([37:43]).
• The Power of Shared Stories
  • The book is a hybrid of memoir and self-acceptance guide, centering the “too much” experience, rejection sensitivity, and the search for self-worth.
  • Kiersten credits being vulnerable and group support (therapy, Al-Anon) with her transformation: “The acceptance. And then I could finally learn to accept me. But that definitely took time.” ([49:18])

6. Radical Self-Acceptance and Advice for Listeners

• Letting Go & Surrender
  • After repeated heartbreak, learned surrender and stopped trying to mold herself to others ([48:41]).
  • “If I’m being who they want me to be, I’m living their life, not mine...and I want to be who I am.” – Kiersten ([48:26])
• Key Message for Women in a Similar Place
  • Kindness toward oneself, seeking connection, embracing the "child self," and allowing oneself to grieve are essential.
  • "You were worthy before you ever did anything, said anything. And I think... so many put our worth on what we have, what we do, or what people say about us." ([54:49])
• No “Good Vibes Only” or Manifestation Platitudes
  • The path to healing is acknowledging grief, not bypassing it with toxic positivity ([56:56]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On ADHD “Too Muchness”
  • “We embrace our too muchness and we focus on our strengths.” – Tracy ([00:05])
  • “I was constantly told I was dramatic, that I was too much, in my family and out of my family. So many feelings all the time.” – Kiersten ([18:23])
• On Rejection and Hollywood
  • “I do think there is a lot of neurodivergence in the entertainment industry—when I’m hyperfocused, I’m not gonna stop, sometimes to the detriment of myself.” – Kiersten ([23:51])
• On Finding Purpose in Pain
  • “I don't want to minimize someone's heartbreak, but I also don’t ever want to minimize the hope that can come out of it.” ([33:23])
• On Choosing Joy and Self-worth
  • “Finding that balance...I had to learn to love my little girl self, and that's a really hard thing when you were told as a little girl, you were too much.” – Kiersten ([54:49])

Important Timestamps

• ADHD & Family Diagnoses: [07:49] – Kiersten’s journey and her family history with ADHD and mental health
• Childhood & Social Struggles: [15:45] – Navigating high achievement and being “too much”
• Acting & Rejection Sensitivity: [23:51], [27:37] – Insights into Hollywood, the need for love, and living with RSD
• Heartbreak & Moving Forward: [33:23] – Turning public heartbreak into a memoir and mission
• Self-Acceptance Process: [48:41], [54:49] – What finally shifted her mindset and advice to listeners

Practical ADHD Survival Tips

• Ask for Help:

  • “Asking for help and majoring on our majors is really, really, really important.” ([59:09])

• Systems:

  • Uses notes and alarms on her phone (not on a watch, to avoid overstimulation) to stay on top of commitments ([60:48])
  • “Alarms and notes, when I tell you the amount of alarms I had for today…” – Kiersten ([60:48])

Where to Find Kiersten Lyons & Her Book

• Instagram: @kierstenlyons.roar
• TikTok: @kierstenlyons
• Website: kierstenlyons.com
• Book: Crushed: The Boys that Never Liked Me Back available as audiobook (read by Kiersten with forward by Chris Carmack), ebook, print ([61:44])

Episode Tone & Final Takeaway

Upbeat, candid, and compassionate, this conversation is a celebration of neurodivergent strengths and a rallying call for self-acceptance—particularly for women long told they are “too much.” Kiersten’s journey through rejection, heartbreak, and ADHD diagnosis is a vivid blueprint for finding hope and humor in even the messiest chapters.

“The more we fall in love with ourselves, the more we can go out into the world and be who we’re created to be. And I think, for us—especially as women with ADHD—that can be really, really hard when we’ve been told so many things...You were worthy before you ever did anything, said anything. And you are worthy right now.” – Kiersten Lyons ([54:49])