Podcast Summary:

ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
Episode 363: The Dopamine Crush – ADHD, Longing, and Romantic Obsession
Release Date: December 17, 2025
Guest: Amanda McCracken

Overview

In this episode, Tracy Otsuka interviews Amanda McCracken, an award-winning journalist and self-described limerence expert, about how ADHD intersects with longing, romantic obsession, and the pursuit of dopamine in relationships. The discussion dives deep into Amanda’s personal journey with ADHD, her late diagnosis, how it affected her love life, her eventual understanding of limerence, and the ways ADHD women in particular may be uniquely impacted by these emotional patterns. The conversation is authentic, vulnerable, and threaded with humor and self-awareness.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Amanda’s ADHD Diagnosis Journey

• Late Diagnosis: Amanda was diagnosed with ADHD at 36, after skepticism about being "like her brother" (diagnosed in childhood for hyperactivity). She excelled in school, so didn’t see herself reflected in typical ADHD stereotypes.
  • "I'm not my brother. No, I'm a straight-A student. I don't have ADHD." (04:38)
• Family Realization: Her parents' observation of her distractibility in adult relationships prompted a serious conversation—and Amanda sought diagnosis.
  • "We're seeing it in your relationships... Who wants to be with somebody who looks like they're always like, you know, sees a squirrel, you know, and they're not present." (05:02)
• Treatment & Impact: Medications like Ritalin, Adderall, and Focalin helped her focus, revealing other symptoms like trichotillomania (eyebrow pulling) were tied to her ADHD and stress.
  • “I had eyebrows for the first time in, like, 15 years... That was the biggest thing that was like, oh, wow, this stuff works.” (06:50)

ADHD Traits Impacting Relationships

• Imaginative, Daydreamy, and Emotionally Intense: Amanda recalls being labeled strong-willed and intense as a child, with emotional responses that puzzled her parents.
• Hyperfocus on Love Interests: She would "hyperfixate" on crushes, turning potential partners into goals, mirroring her competitive athlete mindset.
  • "So I would hyper fixate on these different people and... set them as a goal. I will try to win their love. I will perform, I will impress..." (09:22)
• Dopamine Seeking—Fast vs. Slow: Tracy explains how ADHD brains crave fast dopamine hits (social media, crushes, etc.) more than slow dopamine (reading, steady habits), making limerence (obsessive crushes) especially enticing.
  • “Fast dopamine is like social media, right. It’s so easy to just get, you know, sucked in and then afterwards you don’t feel good versus slow dopamine... there’s a benefit to it.” (10:21)

Explaining Limerence

• Definition: Amanda introduces limerence as an intense, obsessive state of longing for a romantic interest, thriving on uncertainty and often fixated on unattainable or emotionally unavailable people.
  • "It's a state of mind where somebody is ruminating sometimes obsessively... about a romantic interest that they put on a pedestal." (14:25)
• Uncertainty as Fuel: Limerence flourishes in uncertain, ambiguous contexts—making online dating, apps, and ADHD impulsivity a perfect storm.
  • "Limerence thrives on uncertainty. So enter dating apps, social media, hookup culture. It’s a perfect breeding ground... throw on ADHD onto it!" (16:30)
• ADHD Rejection Sensitivity and Limerence: Amanda and Tracy discuss how rejection sensitivity (dysphoria) in ADHD feeds limerent patterns, driving the pursuit of reciprocation and validation, often from emotionally unavailable sources.
  • "Are we sure this isn’t just ADHD and relationships because of the rejection sensitivity?" (17:21)

The Alpha Female & Perfectionism Trap

• Upbringing: Amanda’s upbringing as a competitive, “alpha” female drove her to pursue challenging goals—including difficult partners.
  • “You want something, go after it... It worked in the classroom... but in relationships, it just did not work.” (18:52)
• Perfectionism in Love: She admits to constantly seeking better partners, tying worth to whom she could win—and fearing that commitment meant settling or sacrificing future possibility.
  • "If I could win that really good looking guy... what would that say about me? I was really maybe not in love with the guys, but... wanting to embody who they were." (29:19)

Longing, Limerence, and the Creative “High”

• Longing as a Drug: Amanda confides that longing, unattainable romance, and the highs/lows of limerence felt like her “drug of choice”—a way to feel, create, and chase meaning.
  • “I felt like those guys became kind of creative muses for me... I would lose my creativity if I’m in this boring relationship.” (45:27)
• Tired of the Chase: Ultimately, exhaustion and self-awareness led her to recognize that a secure, stable relationship offered a different—deeper—kind of reward.
  • "I was exhausted at that point, which is why easy finally started to feel good... I'd gone for a two decade run of dating men." (42:08)

Healing, Self-Worth, and Changing Patterns

• Recognizing Her Worth: Key to Amanda’s shift was moving from proving her value to accepting love.
  • "Realizing that I was worthy of receiving love, not just chasing after it, and that I didn’t have to prove myself to win it." (47:55)
• Therapeutic Tools: Mantras, journaling (“I am ready for and worthy of a deeply loving and intimate relationship”), and curating media input helped shift her beliefs and break old patterns. (47:55-48:53)
• Rock Bottom Epiphany: An experience chasing after an unavailable man finally pushed her to confront her own patterns and choose differently. (49:16-50:12)

Amanda’s Relationship Now

• Finding “Easy”: Amanda married a stable, emotionally available partner—Dave—after years of “romance chases.” Learning to trust him before falling in love was a radical shift.
  • "I trusted him before I loved him. And I think that was very, very different than these other guys that I was immediately like, 'Oh my gosh, I'm in love with this guy.' Did I trust him? Hell no." (40:40)
• Values & Timing: Both partners being ready, with aligned values, made the difference—rather than some perfect soulmate miraculously appearing.
  • “There was no soulmate, there was no perfect person... it was really about timing and readiness.” (30:32)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On women with ADHD’s brilliance:
  “In the thousands of women with ADHD that I’ve had the privilege of meeting, I’ve never met one that wasn’t truly brilliant at something. Not one.” – Tracy (03:23)

• On limerence:
  "Limerence is also like this roller coaster ride, right, where you have these extreme highs... and then the extreme lows of like, literally grief sometimes where they feel that person's withdrawing." – Amanda (14:36)

• On the “drug” of longing:
  “For a lot of people, they even refer to it as their drug of choice.” – Amanda (47:32)

• On creativity and intensity:
  "I would lose my creativity if I’m in this boring relationship. Right. I feel like there was some of that. And I would, like, try to write a poem about some of these guys…" – Amanda (45:27)

• On ADHD as an identity challenge:
  “I don’t believe ADHD is about any of that [organizational stuff]. I really believe ADHD is an identity challenge, like, who am I really and what do I value? What is important to me?” – Tracy (51:16)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• ADHD diagnosis story – 04:08–07:03
• Symptoms and relationship struggles – 07:22–10:21
• Dopamine seeking, “fast vs. slow” – 10:21–10:48
• What is limerence? – 14:25–16:45
• Limerence and ADHD overlap – 17:20–18:52
• Alpha female, perfectionism, and regret – 18:52–31:51
• Late-in-life virginity, therapy, and changing self-concept – 24:17–30:13
• The creative allure of longing and limerence – 45:27–46:26
• Breakthroughs and healing process – 47:55–48:53
• ADHD workarounds (exercise, lists) – 55:01–57:30
• Book mention and closing – 58:17–59:51

Practical Workarounds & Advice

• Exercise: Amanda uses running, swimming, and movement not only to regulate mood but to calm her mind and stimulate creativity. She often generates ideas while moving, dictating notes on the go. (55:01)
• Mantras and Journaling: Rewriting self-worth narratives via mantras (e.g., “I am ready for and worthy of a deeply loving and intimate relationship”) and practicing positive affirmations helped Amanda shift her beliefs about love and herself. (47:55–48:53)
• Strategic Use of Lists: Amanda’s list-making—while sometimes chaotic—offers necessary structure; finding the method that suits you is more important than forcing a neurotypical one. (56:15–57:30)
• Media Diet: Avoiding movies and songs that fed unhelpful romantic fantasies was crucial for Amanda in reshaping her emotional landscape. (48:53)

Where to Find Amanda

• Book:
  When Longing Becomes Your Lover: Breaking from Infatuation, Rejection, and Perfectionism to Find Authentic Love (Out Feb 10)
• Website & Social Handles:
  amandajanejmcCracken.com | Instagram: @amandajmccracken | Podcast/TikTok: The Longing Lab

Final Thoughts

Amanda and Tracy’s candid discussion illuminates how ADHD can supercharge the longing and thrill-seeking in romantic life, resulting in cycles of limerence, creative highs, and emotional lows. But with understanding, self-compassion, and by tuning into core values rather than unending dopamine chases, ADHD women can break old patterns and find authentic, nourishing love. Their stories, infused with humility and hard-won wisdom, offer hope—and a new perspective on what it really means to be “too much.”