Podcast Summary

Podcast: ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
Host: Tracy Otsuka
Episode: EP. 367: You Can Be Right And Still Feel Miserable; The Emotional Cost of Needing to Be Understood
Date: January 14, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores the emotional toll that comes from the intense need to be understood, especially as it relates to women with ADHD. Tracy Otsuka discusses why wanting to be understood is particularly strong for ADHD women, how this impulse can backfire, and what strategies can help protect emotional energy in relationships and daily interactions. The conversation reframes the pursuit of understanding, advocating instead for prioritizing emotional safety, and offers practical advice for reclaiming time and energy lost to over-explaining.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Story of Emotional Exhaustion from Over-Explaining

• [03:00] Tracy shares a story about her friend with ADHD, who drained herself trying to explain her need for solitude to her extroverted husband after a packed weekend.
  • Quote: “She was just, for lack of a better word, she was just done. And there was nowhere for her to go to recharge.” – Tracy Otsuka [04:10]
• The more her friend tried to explain, the bigger the conflict grew—she ended up feeling misunderstood and exhausted.

2. Why ADHD Women Often Need to Be Understood

• [06:00] The need to be understood is universal, but for ADHD women, it becomes intense due to past experiences of being misunderstood or rejected.
• This dynamic activates “relational energy” for closeness, but can rapidly shift into “survival energy,” seeking control instead of connection.
  • Quote: “You want to feel seen. Your nervous system wants to feel safe.” – Tracy Otsuka [07:15]

3. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Neurobiology

• [08:30] Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria isn’t a personality flaw; it’s a nervous system response shaped by neuroplasticity and lived experiences.
• The amygdala, which scans for social threat, is more reactive in ADHD brains, making perceived rejection feel unsafe—even if it isn’t logical.
  • Quote: “When something feels like rejection… the alarm goes off, you explain yourself, you fix it, you make them understand.” – Tracy Otsuka [09:30]

4. The Limits of Explaining

• [11:00] Over-explaining is not always effective; often, clarity doesn't result in the other person understanding, leading to emotional overwhelm and conflict.
• Real understanding relies on both parties: your ability to explain, and their ability (and willingness/regulation) to hear you.
  • Quote: “Understanding is actually a two person job.” – Tracy Otsuka [13:55]

5. The ‘Empathy Gap’ Explained

• [14:00] During emotional dysregulation (anger, fatigue, defensiveness), people experience an “empathy gap”—they literally can’t access empathy or process what’s being explained to them.
  • Quote: “When someone is emotionally dysregulated… their brain can’t access empathy. The thinking part literally just shuts down, and the survival part takes over.” – Tracy Otsuka [14:35]

6. Moving from Explaining to Protecting Your Energy

• [16:30] The most important shift: stop striving for understanding and start seeking safety.
• Tracy distinguishes between “understanding” (they get your logic) and “safety” (they care how you feel), urging listeners to prioritize the latter.
  • Quote: “Understanding means they get your logic. Safety means they care how you feel. If you have to pick one, pick the second.” – Tracy Otsuka [18:10]
• Some people may never “get” your ADHD, but they can still offer nonjudgmental, caring support.

7. Actionable Strategies for ADHD Brains

• [20:00] Tracy provides three practical approaches to prevent over-explaining:
  • Use Metaphors: Turn complex explanations into relatable images (e.g., “My brain is like a browser with a ton of tabs open, one is frozen and I can’t tell where the music is coming from.”) [20:30]
  • Own It Without Shrinking: Be clear and unapologetic. (“This is how my brain works and I’ve learned to work with it.”) [21:15]
  • Set Simple, Clear Boundaries: Clearly state needs without justification. (“I want to talk about this, but I’m overwhelmed right now. Can we come back to it later?”) [22:10]

8. Recognizing the Emotional ‘ADHD Tax’

• [24:00] Over-explaining is a hidden ADHD tax—emotional labor that drains energy and consumes time.
  • Quote: “The emotional labor of constantly proving you’re good enough… is an ADHD tax we don’t talk about enough.” – Tracy Otsuka [25:10]
• Tracy suggests “auditing” time spent explaining oneself, questioning what that energy could support instead.

9. Letting Go of the ‘Courtroom’ Mindset

• [27:45] Tracy compares constant explaining to being on trial:
  • Quote: “The moment you feel like defending yourself, you’re no longer in a conversation. You’re in a courtroom. And that’s not a place where connection happens.” – Tracy Otsuka [28:10]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You want to feel seen. Your nervous system wants to feel safe.” [07:15]
• “When something feels like rejection… the alarm goes off, you explain yourself, you fix it, you make them understand.” [09:30]
• “Understanding is actually a two person job.” [13:55]
• “When someone is emotionally dysregulated… their brain can’t access empathy. The thinking part literally just shuts down, and the survival part takes over.” [14:35]
• “Understanding means they get your logic. Safety means they care how you feel. If you have to pick one, pick the second.” [18:10]
• “The emotional labor of constantly proving you’re good enough… is an ADHD tax we don’t talk about enough.” [25:10]
• “The moment you feel like defending yourself, you’re no longer in a conversation. You’re in a courtroom. And that’s not a place where connection happens.” [28:10]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:00 – Story: Emotional exhaustion from failing to be understood
• 07:15 – The biology of why ADHD brains crave understanding
• 09:30 – How RSD shapes the need to explain
• 13:55 – Explaining is a two-person job
• 14:35 – The neuroscience of the “empathy gap”
• 18:10 – Redefining understanding vs. safety
• 20:00 – Three communication strategies for ADHD
• 25:10 – The hidden “ADHD tax” of emotional labor
• 28:10 – Letting go of the courtroom mindset

Practical Takeaways

• Pause before over-explaining: Ask, “Do they actually need more information, or do I just need to feel okay?” [23:15]
• If misunderstood, focus on emotional regulation rather than more words.
• Audit who you are explaining yourself to—and decide if it’s worth your energy.
• Remember: You don’t need to convince everyone. Choose safety, not just understanding.

By shifting focus from being understood to feeling safe, ADHD women can conserve emotional energy, establish healthier boundaries, and create more fulfilling relationships—without having to win every argument or constantly prove themselves.