← ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
ADHD for Smart Ass Women with Tracy Otsuka
EP. 367: You Can Be Right And Still Feel Miserable; The Emotional Cost of Needing to Be Understood
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Before we start, quick pause. Your ADHD brain is not broken. It just never came with a user's manual. So we're going to build one together. That's what our three days to fall in love with your ADHD brain is all about. We will start together on Tuesday, January 13th. We originally planned to start on June 6th, but we pushed the start one week, so we're beginning on January 13th. You don't need to do anything if you've already signed up, but if you haven't, you can sign up for free at tracyoutsuka.com ilovemybrain. Richard Branson. Michael Phelps, Justin Timberlake, James Carville. Wait a minute. Where are the women? Greta Gerwig, Lisa Ling, Audra McDonald, Simone Biles. That sounds like a list of highly successful titans in a variety of industries. They all have adhd, but you don't hear much about that now, do you? You know what else you don't hear about are the 43% of people with ADHD who are in excellent mental health. Why aren't we talking about them and what they're doing? I'm your host, Tracy Adsuka, and that's exactly what we do here. I'm a lawyer, not a doctor, a lifelong student, and now the author of my new book, ADHD for Smartass Women. I'm also a certified ADHD coach and the creator of youf ADHD Brain is a ok, a patented system that helps ADHD women just like you get unstuck and fall in love with their brilliant brains. Here we embrace our too muchness and we focus on our strengths. My guests and I credit our ADHD for some of our greatest gifts. And to those who still think they're too much, too impulsive, too scattered, too disorganized, I say no one ever made a difference by being too little. Hello, I am your host, Tracy Otsuka. Thank you so much for joining me here for another episode of ADHD for Smartass Women. You know what my goal is, right? To always show you who you are and inspire you to be it. So thank you so much for being here. Okay, I'm going to start with a story. One of my closest friends, she happens to have ADHD as well. She told me the other day she was completely wiped out, just drained. She spent most of her Sunday night trying to explain to her husband why she shut down after a really long weekend. There was a brunch, a neighborhood block party, a friend's wedding, a house full of kids and all of their family members. Right? Or their adults. I should Say, and then to finish it off, a late Sunday barbecue at her in laws. Her husband is really extroverted. She's more, I would say, in the middle. She's not antisocial at all. She wasn't being difficult. She was just, for lack of a better word, she was just done. And there was nowhere for her to go to recharge. There were so many people in her house. She had people around her all weekend. She just wanted him to understand. She wasn't yelling, she wasn't attacking. She was trying to explain what was going on for her. And it seemed like the more she tried, the worse it got. Instead of feeling heard, well, they ended up in a big fight. Sound familiar? This is what I told her. You know, wanting to be understood is completely normal. Every human wants that, especially ADHD women. But sometimes the need to be understood, it can get kind of intense. You don't just want to explain yourself. You feel like you have to explain yourself. When you want to be understood, you usually start in relational energy. You want connection, you want closeness, you want things to feel okay between you. But when your nervous system takes over, that's when you move into survival energy. That's when it stops being about connection and it starts being about control. Control over how you're being seen. Because feeling misunderstood doesn't just feel uncomfortable, it actually can feel unsafe. Here's the key difference. You want to feel seen. Your nervous system wants to feel safe. And when your body thinks it's not safe, your brain does what it's designed to do. It speeds up. You talk faster, you repeat yourself. You start defending yourself. Even when no one is attacking you. You're not trying to win an argument. You're just trying not to feel rejected. But the other person, they don't know that. They don't understand that. To them, it can sound like arguing or overreacting or making everything a bigger deal than it needs to be. And now you're not just misunderstood, you're totally exhausted and you're in a conflict that you never wanted. That's the moment to stop and ask, is this about helping them understand me or helping myself feel okay? Because those are two completely different things. If you've ever thought if they just understood me, then everything would be fine. There's a reason for that. For ADHD women, understanding isn't just nice. It can feel absolutely essential. Look, a lot of us grew up being or feeling like we were misunderstood, misread, labeled as lazy, dramatic, careless, too much or too little. Little. So over time, what happens is that wires the brain to expect rejection. That's where rejection sensitive dysphoria comes in. Rsd. It's not a personality issue, it's a nervous system pattern. ADHD brains, well, we just tend to have more sensitive nervous systems and a more reactive amygdala. That's the part of the brain that scans for threat, especially social threat, the amygdala. Well, it doesn't care about logic. It just wants to know, am I safe right now? So when something feels like rejection, even if it isn't, the alarm goes off, you explain yourself, you fix it, you make them understand. That response goes way back, long before ADHD had a name. Being misunderstood by your group could mean being pushed out. And being alone used to be dangerous. Now, if you layer in an ADHD nervous system and years of being misinterpreted, that is not overreacting. That's a brain that's learned to protect itself. One of my clients grew up in a home where her ADHD was not diagnosed. She was constantly told. She was careless and dramatic and always making excuses. Now she's in her 40s, and the second someone questions her, even gently, her body reacts like she's being accused. She starts explaining before the sentence is even finished. Not because she's defensive, because her nervous system learned that explaining fast was safer than staying quiet. That is neuroplasticity. Repeated experiences wire the response over explaining. It's not about being clear again, it's about trying to stay safe. When your nervous system is flooded, the part of your brain that handles logic and perspective, it goes offline. The prefrontal cortex. Right? And what takes over is the emotional brain. And it says they don't get it. And if they don't get it, something bad is about to happen. So you explain everything. Your intentions, your reasons, the backstory. You are trying to close that gap quickly. But here's the problem. Saying more usually doesn't create understanding. It creates overwhelm. They feel flooded, you feel unheard, and things get worse instead of better. Here's the part that might be hard to hear. Understanding is actually a two person job. Everything you've done so far, explaining your intention, sharing your thought process, trying to be clear. It only works if the other person is actually capable of hearing it. And that depends on two things. Their emotional regulation and their willingness to listen. I mean, you can be calm, clear and honest, but if the other person is stuck in defensiveness or judgment, it's not going to matter. They are not listening to connect. They are listening to protect themselves. Or prove a point. Real listening means you're actually being curious. You're not just waiting to talk. It means you're staying open, even when you don't totally agree, and being willing to believe that someone else's experiences can be true, too. If that's not happening, you're not having a conversation. You're giving a monologue to someone who's already tuned out. When someone doesn't hear you, misunderstands you, or shuts you down, even after you've explained clearly, it's easy to blame yourself, right? You start to think, well, maybe I didn't say it right, or maybe I'm too much, or maybe I messed it up. But that's not true. You were never the problem. They weren't emotionally available, regulated, or willing to hear you in the first place. So no matter how perfect your words were, it wouldn't have made a difference. That brings us to the neuroscience. There is a term for what's happening when someone can't access empathy in the moment. It's called the empathy gap. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, tired, overwhelmed, angry, or defensive, their brain can't access empathy. The thinking part literally just shuts down, and the survival part takes over. They literally can't hear you the way you meant to be heard. That's why you can be doing everything right. Calm tone, clear words, honest intentions. And it still doesn't connect them. It's not that they don't care. It's that their brain can't process it in that moment. In those moments, say more doesn't help. Saying less, though, protects your energy. Sometimes silence is literally the smartest way to keep things from blowing up. You know, one of my younger students told me about a conversation that she had with someone she was dating. He liked to make plans last minute, and she didn't. She wanted more of a plan earlier on. And his response? You're too rigid. You just want to control everything. She panicked. She went straight into defense mode. And she said, no, it's not that I have adhd. This is an executive function thing. Spontaneity sounds great, but it actually ramps up my anxiety because my brain can't switch gears that fast. In her words, she could tell that he stopped listening to her almost immediately. His eyes glazed over. But she kept going, trying harder to prove her point, to make him understand what could have been. A moment of connection turned into her feeling rejected and him feeling attacked. We talked about it, and she decided that next time her response would be different. She would say, I Get that? You like spontaneity. I need structure. Can we meet somewhere in the middle? And if he still wasn't open to that, well, then maybe he just wasn't the right environment for her. Which brings us to the shift that matters most. When do you stop trying to be understood and start protecting your energy instead? Let's talk about that. The most powerful shift you can make is to stop chasing understanding and start chasing safety. Let me give you a new definition. Understanding means they get your logic. Safety means they care how you feel. If you have to pick one, pick the second. I'm thinking of another client right now whose mother will never understand adhd. She won't read about it, she doesn't want to learn about it. But when her daughter is overwhelmed, she brings over groceries, she makes her tea, she sits on the couch and listens. She doesn't shame her, she doesn't judge her. That's not understanding. That's safety. And here's what I want you to know. Some people, they just make you feel safe from the very beginning. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to explain your way into it. It's just there. So if you've spent your life trying to work for safety, trying to prove you're worth loving or worth listening to, I want to challenge that instead. What if you found the people where safety was already present, where it was just a given? Because if you wait to feel safe until someone fully understands your neurobiology, you might be waiting forever. You can actually feel safe without being fully seen. Someone might not get your adhd, your logic, or why you do what you do. But if they treat you with kindness, curiosity and patience, that's enough. Safety isn't about someone having all the right language. It's about how they make you feel. You know, so many ADHD women chase understanding, thinking that if someone just got them, they'd finally feel okay. But real safety often comes from people who don't fully understand you and they love you anyway. And when you stop trying so hard to be seen, that is often when people start seeing you more clearly. So let's talk about what to do instead of over explaining. Because this isn't about never explaining anything. It's about saying just enough in a way that actually lands, that allows you to be heard. So here are a few strategies that work really well for ADHD brains. Number one, use a metaphor. You don't need to teach someone neuroscience for them to understand you. Most people, they're not going to understand what executive function even means. But they understand pictures, so give them one. You might say, oh, I don't know. My brain is like a browser with a ton of tabs open. One of them is frozen and I can't tell where the music is coming from. Or you might say, once I get started, I'm great, but starting is really hard for me. It's kind of like getting a plane off the Runway. Once I'm in the air, I'm totally fine. Or maybe my brain takes notes and then immediately throws them out the window. You're not trying to teach them how your brain works. You're just giving them a picture so they can get it without a long explanation. Number two, own it without shrinking. This one matters. You don't need to sound defensive and you don't need to shrink. You can say things like, you know what? This is how my brain works and I've learned how to work with it. Or here's what helps me do my best work. It might look different than what you're used to. Or if I do things differently, it's not random, it's actually intentional. It's because that's what works for me. That's not an excuse, it's just information. You're not asking for permission. You're explaining how to collaborate with you. Number three. Set simple, clear boundaries. You don't have to earn rest. You don't have to justify needing space. You don't have to explain your way into being, okay, you can say, I want to talk about this, but I'm overwhelmed right now. Can we come back to it later? Or I work better when I have a little time to think. Can we circle back on this? That's not avoidance, that's self leadership. You're telling people how to get the best version of you. All of this does one really important thing. It keeps you out of survival mode. You're not dumping information. You're not defending your character. You're not trying to convince anyone that you're good. You're giving a clear signal and you're letting it be enough. And if someone can't meet you there, that's information too. Okay, so let's make this practical. Because the problem isn't that you don't know what's happening. The problem is that once you're in it, your brain is already gone. Here's what this usually looks like. You feel that jolt in your body. Your chest kind of tightens, Your brain starts speeding up, and suddenly you're halfway through an explanation you didn't plan to give that is your cue right there. Instead of adding more words, pause for a second and ask yourself one question. Do they actually need more information right now or do I just need to feel? Okay, that question alone can interrupt the spiral. If they need information, keep it short. One sentence, two max. Something like, I do better when I can plan last minute stuff throws me off or if I seem distracted. It's not about you. My brain is just juggling a lot today. You're not telling the whole story, you're just giving them the headline. But if what you really need in that moment is to feel safe, then explaining isn't going to help anyway, right? That's a regulation moment, not a communication moment. So instead, slow it down. Put a hand on your chest or your leg. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a breath that's a little slower than the last one and remind yourself, I'm allowed to be misunderstood sometimes. I'm still okay. You don't have to keep talking. You don't have to fix it in real time. You can even say, I want to explain more, but I'm not in a good headspace to do that right now. Then stop. That pause is doing more for you than another paragraph ever could. Your brain might still be loud. That's fine. Your body is learning something new. Nothing bad happens when you don't explain everything. Okay, so there's one more piece that I want to name here. Explaining yourself all the time. It's just exhausting. I had a student tell me that she realized she was spending a huge chunk of her week writing follow up emails, rehashing conversations, clarifying what she meant, trying to make sure people didn't misunderstand her. And when she actually stopped and looked at it, it was a lot of energy. I think she told me it took up 30% of her time. So I asked her a simple question. What could you have done with that time? Instead? She said, honestly, a lot. I could have rested. I could have played with my daughter. I could have worked on something creative. I could have done literally anything that felt better than defending myself. And that's when it clicked. This is an ADHD tax that we don't talk about enough, right? Not the time blindness or the clutter or the missed deadlines. The emotional labor of constantly proving you're good enough. Of making sure that people don't get the wrong idea about you. So here's the audit that I want you to try. Just notice, no judgment. Where are you explaining yourself the most? Who are you explaining yourself to? And is it actually changing anything. Because if you're pouring energy into places where it never really lands, that's information. And maybe the shift isn't explaining better. Maybe it's explaining less and choosing a different environment. Maybe it's explaining not at all. You know, a lot of ADHD women live like they're on trial. Constantly explaining, clarifying, making their case, trying to prove they're not lazy, not difficult, not too much. But really, the moment you feel like defending yourself, you're no longer in a conversation. You're in a courtroom. And that's not a place where connection happens. Let go of the courtroom in your head. The case is closed. And on that note, that's what I have for you for today. I'm your host, Tracy Otsuka. Thank you so much for being here with me for another episode of ADHD for Smartass Women. If you're if this episode helped you to see yourself a little more clearly, I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to leave a review. It helps more women find the podcast so they too can see themselves more clearly. And thank you for listening. I will see you here next week. You've been listening to the ADHD for Smartass Women podcast. I'm your host, Tracy Outsuka. Join us at ADHD for smartwomen.com where you can find more information on my new book, ADHD for Smartass Women. And my patented you'd ADHD brain is a okay system to help you get unstuck and fall in love with your brilliant brain. One last thought. Understanding ADHD really helps. But trusting your ADHD brain, well, that changes everything. And that's exactly what three days to fall in love with your ADHD brain is all about. It's three days. It's free, and you can sign up at tracyoutsuka.com ilovemybrain we start on January 13th. That's a Tuesday.