B (4:37)

Do you have to, like, shower first?

A (4:39)

Yeah. Do you like.

B (4:41)

Do you have to wear a shower?

A (4:42)

Like, wait until your exact time? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I'm not doing the cap thing. How much of a hassle it's January, actually. When we joined, it was November in Chicago.

B (4:52)

Cold.

A (4:53)

What's this going to look like? So I decided I needed to try. I've only gone once to swim. So I was like, I am just going to try to swim on my own one. So at least I have some data because I know my husband's going to ask me. And I wanted to be able to say with experience. I did. I did swim on my own. This was what I noticed. And I decided to go into it with a very. Just notice what you get from doing it, how long it takes door to door if you just go to swim and nothing else. How comfortable you are, what the experience is like. And I wanted to go by myself because my daughter does not belong to the gym, so. Oh, yeah.

B (5:28)

So she was your guest.

A (5:30)

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, if I'm gonna do this, I have to do it on my own. So my celebration is. I put it on the calendar for yesterday, 3 o'. Clock. I waited until a day in a time where I could get the furthest lane because I realized the first time I reserved. It's kind of like the first time I just have really challenged like spatially the first time when you could go on and like reserve tickets in the. The observed the front row, the center of the front row. Because I didn't realize it wasn't easily marked screen and door, like exit doors. And so I was like, yes, I got the very back. Like I liked it. No, it was the same thing. I booked the. The lane closest to the doors that you walk into the pool. Everybody getting to every other lane has to walk by me. So they'll see. Because I didn't want to be in the middle lane. So there's only four lanes. So I didn't want to be in the middle two lanes. I wanted the furthest. So you're only walking over there if that's your lane. Yeah.

B (6:21)

I wanted that people leave you alone

A (6:22)

and I only have one person sitting next to me. Not. Not one person because they're constantly booked and you can only welcome. They're only booked for a half hour and you have to get out at the end of your half hour. So I book it from 3 to 3:30. I like that. It limits me to a half hour. I can do this. Yeah. I don't tell anybody because that's what pressure.

B (6:44)

Yeah.

A (6:45)

My husband was not here yesterday. He was working away from the house so he wouldn't know that I was going to. That worked for me because I knew if he Knew I was going, there'd be questions about it. And again, in a loving way it just feels uncomfortable to me because I don't know what I'm going to do with it and I don't want to have pressure. I wanted to just notice for me what was going to work. So I went, checked in, wore my bathing suit underneath like I always do. Had my little bag with my change of clothes, my little flip flops to wear so I don't tuck, I don't walk on the, the wet disgusting floor. I wait until 2:55 to put everything in the locker and walk out with my towel. And there's somebody in all of the lanes, which I expect. I just go and sit. There's like a chair kind of by like each lane. It kind of lets the person know that there is somebody because sometimes they'll keep swimming if nobody's there or they'll swim until somebody arrives, which I don't love if I'm being honest. Know their time and it's reserved. I don't think people pay att, but I'm a rule follower. So yeah, that would bumper I, I and I waited until Tuesday at 3 o' clock to or to have the lane I wanted at the time that would work for me to get finished with work and I could make that work. And it wasn't so late. I didn't want to be out when it was dark and it's going to get significantly colder. So I was like this is, this is ideal. This is what I can make work. Well, the person now mind you on my phone with me, so I don't know what time it is and I'm not wearing my glasses because I don't want my glasses at the pool. Yeah. So I can't see the clock. There are clocks at each end of the pool but I'm sitting at one end so I can't see this and that was too far away. So I'm waiting and the guy like swims like he's sitting on the edge when I get there and I'm like, oh, maybe he's getting out. Well then he's sitting there for a couple of minutes and then he goes to swim like oh, maybe he's getting out down that end and I know there's somebody sitting down that. So he goes and swims to the other end and he sits and I'm like. So I get up to like stand to let them know like I'm here. Yeah. And I go look at the clock and it's now like One minute to three. I'm like, okay, you know, get every. Get every bit of your time. Fine. Well, after another minute or so, he comes and swims the other way back to me, and I'm like, okay, well, it was probably would have been nice if you got out, like, because he didn't get in when there was a minute left. He was just sitting there for a little while, and now he sits at the end again. And I'm like, this is your time now. Okay, now it's like a minute or two into my time, and he doesn't look like he's getting out. Like, it's one thing if he was just resting, but he's not getting out. And so I go to. To tell him that I'm there, and he doesn't. He doesn't look at me, and he doesn't acknowledge me, which is really uncomfortable because I don't want to have to tell you that I'm there. Really. Like, I'm obviously standing, and I, like, leaned over because he didn't even, like, look. So I thought, oh, I don't. I. I'm not sure if he could hear me, if he was hearing impaired, if he had, you know, something. But he definitely didn't respond to me. So I tried to, like, get his attention because, again, I'm on the end, so I can do that. And he didn't look at me, and I didn't quite know what to. So I'm highly uncomfortable now with what. What is happening. And the guy in the road next to me, I guess he was in his lane when he got there and said, yeah, I had that. I don't think he can hear you. And so the woman that was at the end was kind of, like, so sorry. And she let him know when he swam down to the other side. So I was so uncomfortable about this whole scenario because, remember, I have a lot of social anxiety. I am very insecure because this is my first time doing this solo. I don't want. And the guy in lane three was like, you can swim here if you want. And I'm like, I appreciate that, but.

B (10:23)

But, like, this is the lane he

A (10:26)

was finishing and getting out. But I'm like, no. Then I got to worry about that person showing up, and I'm in their lane. Yeah. And then I still have the guy over here swimming who now thinks they can. So I'm like, almost ready to leave. I don't blame you, because I'm overwhelmed. And I'm uncomfortable because I didn't realize he couldn't Hear me? And I didn't, I didn't know why he wasn't responding to me. I don't know what it was, but I was very uncomfortable. And then I was like, no, you're just going to do this. And I literally remember thinking, when he got out, I got into the water and I was like, you've done it even if you swim this. I had my little kickboard and stuff. And I was like, even if you do one, one lap, you have done what you set out to do. You can leave any time path. And that's what I did. I just said, just swim one lap up and back and you can get out if you want. But I didn't. I stayed for the entire time. I got out with two minutes to spare. Nobody was even waiting. But I was like, I'm not. I swam a half a mile in the time I had, which I gotta look up and see if that's possible. But I was really tired. Like, I never stopped. I just kept going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And I did 18 laps.

B (11:36)

I felt really good.

A (11:37)

And I really just want to celebrate that I did it. And also I didn't say when I checked in, the person checking in in front of me you have to like swipe your membership card was like, hey, are the membership prices going up this month? She's like, yeah, everybody got an email. Well, my husband gets all the emails. So I was like, oh, it's a good thing I didn't see that before. I would have been like, I'm out. I hate price increases. Which is why if you join my membership, whatever price it is, when you join, you're locked in. It never goes up. I hate that so much. So I did it. I stuck with it. Even with the very uncomfortable. I was literally like overwhelmed for the first time. Like probably four laps. I was totally in my head. But then I just settled in and decided. And it was funny because he went down to the first lane and kept swimming, like, because there was nobody there at first. Just like, not my thing. I don't have to worry about this. So I did it. I don't know, I. I'm going again tomorrow. I made another reservation for tomorrow. My goal was to go twice this week and just see what I noticed. And it was sustainable. Remember, I always talk about whether things are sustainable. So it was an hour door to door to do the half hour swim. And I, you know, had the shower. There's all these things. But I'm like, if I do it every other or you know, I time it like that. I have to wash my hair anyway. Yeah. So even if it gets a little bit of, I don't go under, but I pull it up. But, you know, the back gets a little wet, so I'm like, at least I know I'm going to be washing it, so we'll see. But I just want to celebrate that I did it. And I feel like even if I quit all night, truth be told, I really don't know. I did what I intended to do, and it was very scary, and I stepped outside my comfort zone. So there it is. Thank you. Thank you. All right. And then, you know, if for the

B (13:27)

hearing impaired, well, they can't see me, but I'm doing.

A (13:30)

No, Becca's doing it. Okay. What I purchased this week is nothing. Yeah. That's a huge win. And my product of the week is actually. My secret Santa gave me new slippers.

B (13:42)

What do they look like?

A (13:43)

Oh.

B (13:44)

Oh, those are not.

A (13:45)

I didn't want to have to hold my feet up. So these are my LL Bean wicked good women's wicked good clogs. Look at those reviews, guys. Look at all those stars.

B (13:56)

Yeah, that's a lot.

A (13:57)

So these were on my wish list. They look more. They have 4.6 out of 5 stars and over 4, 200 reviews. They are super warm. They are super comfortable. And my other slippers were also L.L. bean. Here's what I'm loving so much. They're this color. Every time I buy L.L. bean slippers, which I, I, they are my slippers of choice, especially living where we live. I can walk outside with them. As long as there's not, like, you know, deep snow. I can go get the mail. I can take the dogs out. They've got real soles on them that support my feet and keep them pain free. They're warm. They're snuggly. They don't have the tie. I've had the moccasins for years, and the moccasins I cannot keep tied. I have. I have watched YouTube videos on how to keep them tied. Like nothing I've done has worked. So I wanted the slippers that did not have ties. We'll see how I. How I love them over time. But right now, I am two more than two weeks, and I am loving them. So this is my product of the week. They are $99.95. They are not a cheap investment. And these went up. They used to be $89 forever. So I. For, like, yeah, for my Christmas gift, they were still 89 they went up, apparently in January. When I pulled this up, there were 99, 95.

B (15:17)

Because they're so good.

A (15:18)

No, I'm kind of bummed, to be honest, that they went up that much. But they have been 89 for years because I bought them multiple times. So maybe it was just their time, but they do last. I. I don't even get a pair a year. I usually can last a year and a half. I have lasted two years with them, so to me, that's a worthwhile investment, because if I spend 20 or 30 bucks on a pair of slippers, they're going to wear out in a month or two. I'm going to end up spending that much over time, and they don't support my feet the way I need them to. So I love these slippers. So that's my product of the week. All right, now for my tip. And my tip is to create an energizing playlist. Or if you already have one, which I do, update yours.

B (15:58)

Fun.

A (15:58)

So upbeat and energizing music, as I talked about last week's episode, can increase our dopamine levels, and they help you start things with more ease. So it's all about that task initiation when you think about an energizing playlist. So create a playlist and name it something energizing, something fun, something humorous. Add upbeat songs, familiar songs, things that really get you going.

B (16:25)

Happy songs.

A (16:26)

Happy songs, absolutely. Explore different energy playlists for different things that you're trying to get done. I love this idea. So maybe if you're trying to start something that's boring or you're just having a hard time getting going, something fast, quick tempo is good. And then the other option is to maybe pick a steady tempo for focused work. So something that's not going to, you know, kind of distract you. Yeah. Yep. Just steady, consistent tempo music stimulates our reward center. So it's literally activating your brain and helps regulate your emotions. Right. Think about this. Happy songs, they're like, literally giving you that happy vibe, so that lowers your resistance to starting. So some songs that you might want to consider. I use my chat GPT and I said give me songs that would be good choices for somebody's energy playlist.

B (17:19)

What'd they come up with?

A (17:20)

They came up with Happy by Pharrell Williams. Yeah, because I'm happy. Yep. Yeah. Don't Stop me Now, Queen.

B (17:27)

Oh, love it.

A (17:28)

Yep. And Roar from Katy Perry. I just pulled three. I thought they were good. So if you have an energizing playlist, I'd love to know what songs you include on yours post in the comments for episode 222. Or if you have, like, a fun name for what you named yours, you can always continue to add to our playlists. So getting more ideas can be really helpful. Or just chat GPT and see what it comes up with. Mine gave me a list of options for. I asked for something that would work for anybody from 25 to 75, and so it gave it to me through the decades, which I thought was fun, because if you're at a certain age, you would know certain songs. If you're not, you know, but maybe they're like, retro. And so I thought that was fun.

B (18:09)

That's cute.

A (18:09)

Yeah. So that's my tip. Okay, now for the main topic for this episode, and it is the myth of just try harder. That's in quotes. Just try harder. So I mentioned before, I haven't met anybody with ADHD that hasn't heard this at least once. Often it's kind of a mantra that we adopt that I just need to try harder. I just need to try harder. It still comes up with parents, most of all with me in my work, where either a professional that's working with them will tell me they just need to try harder, or their parents or themselves. And I want to kind of shift the focus from just try harder and even think of it as maybe a red flag for a symptom. I always think of this as maybe this should be like one of the questions on an ADHD symptom checklist. Are you often told you should just try harder? Because it's so much of a standard thing that you're heard that you hear when you have adhd, and it's in here in the United States, it's often because our culture values hard work. So if you aren't putting forth a lot of really consistent effort, it can look like you are phoning it in or you're lazy. And I totally get that. That's the appearance, but I really want to plant a seed for people to maybe ask, what else could the reason be here besides laziness? Open up your brain to other possibilities of what could be going on, because that's a very blanket statement. That's really hurtful because there may be a lot of other things going on that are creating challenges to doing the thing they're trying to do.

B (19:55)

They're doing the best they can.

A (19:57)

Yeah. And as we talked about last episode, I shared how ADHD brains have lower levels of dopamine. Our brains are literally understimulated and that impacts our motivation and our ability to start the things we're trying to start. So that executive function, skill of task initiation. So our effort and our motivation levels are very inconsistent. When we have ADHD brains, we need to find customized strategies that work for our unique brain wiring to be more consistent and be able to exert our effort and try harder in ways that work for us. So just try harder is pointless. If you tell me just to try harder, it's like, what does that mean? Like, it's most likely going to shut me down because I've probably been sitting. My example is always, I'm sitting in the same chair for three hours trying to get moving. Don't you think I would have moved if I could have? It's not, it's not a lack of want. It's I don't know what to do to change the scenario here.

B (20:54)

Yeah.

A (20:56)

So here are some strategies. Instead of try harder, explore some of these again. Take what works for you. Leave the rest behind. Just sharing some things that can help open up the possibility beyond try harder. Number one, create external structure. Think visible. Think clocks, timers, calendar, checklists. Think about my example from when I organized my bathroom and I just put a folding table in there to put things on. That visual solution to where do I put all this stuff was so motivating that it was really, I didn't even need to try harder. I couldn't wait to start. Number two, energize with music. Remember that tip with the energizing playlist? Just tap into music to get that initiation that, that brain activation going so you can get started. Number three, lean into your strengths. Pair harder tasks with the time of day that your brain is more likely to be able to activate and get started. We all have these kind of highs and low peaks. When is yours? Pair it with the harder thing you're trying to do. Try to do the hard thing. At the time of day your brain is most sluggish. That's not a good match. Match it with the time of day that your brain is more active and then use your creative brain to inject that interest. Identify rewards, tap into accountability. All those things that help you to start. Number four is to use rewards. So remember, pick small immediate rewards so it might be a start reward. So as soon as like mine is always like when I sit at my desk, I get my coffee, so I get the thing I want when I'm in the location that I'm trying to start in. And once I'm at my desk, I don't Have a problem starting. It's getting to my desk. I have a hard time and often it's because I'm so now not now brained. I don't remember what's on my list for today. It's sitting there waiting for me. But I have this resistance to, oh, do I have a lot I have to do? Is there a lot on my list I've already written down that I have to do today? I just need to get there and look at it. And then once I see it, I'm like, okay, yeah, there's a lot. But I remember why I picked today to do it. I don't have the working memory. I don't have the bandwidth to be able to pull all that up and remember it. So I just need to get myself to my desk. So pick a reward that helps you to start number five. And the final one is to reframe try harder language. So if you are thinking, I just need to try harder, like wipe that out, get rid of it and experiment with other language. It might be I'm just going to notice what gets me started or I'm going to set up my environment to start more easily. I've had a lot of particularly college students do this will. They'll put themselves in the environment that they're more likely to start in. So they might go before class and sit in an empty classroom that they know doesn't have a class in it. The class before theirs where there's like not good cell reception or whatever it is. And they are able to get started because they know they have a definite time. They have to stop to go to their next class. They're already in the same building. Sometimes they're like right across the hall and they can see people going into the class, all right, I need to stop. It gets them started. Or they'll go to the library or they'll set up their desk in a way where they have snacks and a beverage. So they're not going to have to get up and go get something. Everything's ready. Yeah. So set up your environment to get you going. Something else might be something is more than nothing. Is the mantra to instead of try harder might be, you know what? Anything I do is more than nothing. So let me just. If I go back to my bathroom example, what if I just wipe out the sink? I don't have to do the whole counter. I don't have to organize everything. I can just wipe out the sink. And getting the toothpaste and hair out of the sink is a lot More than nothing in my book. So those are just some things to think about to reframe the try harder phrase, because that does not work if you can just try harder. And that works for you if somebody tells you try harder.

B (24:58)

Okay, great idea.

A (25:02)

You're good.

B (25:03)

Track on.

A (25:03)

Keep on tracking. Keep going. All right. So succeeding with ADHD is about adding supports and strategies that are customized to your brain. Capture what works for you. And you know, my favorite tip is to capture in your personal owner's manual, your palm. So that is my main focus for today is shift out of try harder and into what's something I can do here. All right, finally, the book of the week. Now, this one you will want to read. Becca, this one is very. Have you read this one?

B (25:36)

No, but my sister just recommended it to me to read it.

A (25:39)

Yeah, it's by Colleen Hoover. So it is coming out in October of this year.

B (25:46)

Oh, yeah.

A (25:46)

It is a psychological thriller and it stars Ian Hathaway and Dakota Johnson.

B (25:53)

Love it.

A (25:54)

And I'm going to read. I wrote down a really quick summary. All right, so. And it's funny because I thought I read this. I. This came out a while ago. I thought I read it because I read a book called Code Name Verity, which was about a female going undercover in World War II. It was like a historical fiction which I really enjoyed. So I didn't read it because I thought I'd read it because it's an unusual name, at least I think it is. But no, this has nothing to do with that. So here's a really quick description. A struggling author named Lohan Ashley accepts the job of a lifetime. She is hired by the husband of an incredibly successful author named Verity Crawford. She's hired to finish the three remaining books in Verity's very successful series. Verity cannot finish the books herself because she was in a serious car accident and her injuries prevent her from being able to finish it. Lohan comes to stay in their home and is working from the home when she discovers Verity's unfinished autobiography. And the story ramps up from there. I'm not even going to that. All this happens very early on, you know, I don't want anything to spoil the story. It's a great premise. It kept me completely tethered to the book. I personally didn't love the ending, but I still believe it was worth the read. So I gave it a three and a half out of five. Really? Because of the ending? Yeah, it wasn't a terrible ending. I just didn't love it.

B (27:19)

Yeah.

A (27:20)

So.

B (27:20)

Oh, I'm gonna read it.

A (27:21)

Yep. It's a good one. All right. And now, finally, for my quote of the week. I don't know who this is from, so it's unknown. And it's. You don't have to become something you're not to be better than you are.

B (27:31)

Oh, right.

A (27:33)

So it kind of taps into what we were just talking about. Work with your brain. Notice what does work for you. Capture it. Because you can become more aligned with your goals and values by being yourself, not by trying to be something that you're not. So you do. You take what works for you, leave the rest behind. That's it for this episode. Here's to struggling less and thriving more. I'll see you next time. Tally ho.