Adult Child Podcast: Abandonment Trauma Deep Dive with Susan Anderson

Episode Title: Abandonment Trauma Deep Dive: Shame, Relationship Triggers & 5 Stages of Healing
Host: Andrea
Guest: Susan Anderson, Psychotherapist & Author
Release Date: September 10, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode takes a raw and vulnerable deep dive into abandonment trauma—how dysfunctional families and childhood wounds shape adult behavior, relationships, and sense of self-worth. Andrea is joined by Susan Anderson, renowned therapist and author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Together, they explore personal stories, the primal roots of abandonment anxieties, the connection to shame, and Susan’s five-stage model of healing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing Susan Anderson and Abandonment Trauma

• Andrea introduces Susan as a thought leader, noting her groundbreaking work honed in on abandonment as trauma—distinct from other psychological frameworks.
• Susan’s personal and professional story sets the stage for her expertise:
  • "When I say thought leader, I mean, thought leader... She really pulled it all together and said, clearly, this is abandonment trauma. Here's what it looks like and here's how you heal it." (03:40, Andrea)

2. Susan’s Personal Abandonment Story

• Susan shares the sudden end of her 18-year relationship, which catalyzed her research:
  • "I picked someone who would wait until my most vulnerable hour to leave me for another woman... I had to take responsibility for that and really rip myself into real honesty chunks to get to try to figure out why I did that." (06:13, Susan)
• Her realization: introspecting "why did I choose someone who could abandon me?"—not common for most people enduring heartbreak.

3. Childhood Roots: Dysfunction, Shame, and Feeling Different

• Susan connects her longstanding feelings of rejection and shame to childhood obesity and family dynamics:
  • "My father was ashamed and wouldn’t introduce me to friends. Out of kindness, I would hide in one of the bedrooms so he didn’t have to introduce me." (13:42, Susan)
• These early experiences fueled a sense of unworthiness that became the foundation of her adult struggles.
• Andrea relates, sharing her experience as the “school outcast” and being the identified patient in a family with alcoholism (21:52–23:40).

4. Separation Anxiety and Self-Fulfillment

• Both discuss how adult relationships and authority figures can trigger primal abandonment anxieties:
  • "That separation anxiety was in most of my relationships...I had that always, those fears, and of course, those fears became self-fulfilling prophecies naturally." (17:51, Susan)
• As a therapist, Susan saw patients' behaviors through the lens of separation anxiety, regardless of diagnosis.

5. The “Invisible Drain”—Why Self-Esteem Feels Fleeting

• Andrea cites a poignant quote from Susan’s workbook:
  • "Abandonment is a profound enough trauma to implant an invisible drain deep within the self that works insidiously to siphon off self esteem from within." (26:02, quoting Peter Yelton)
• Susan explains: the wound is so primal—predating language—that no achievement can permanently “plug” the loss of self-worth (27:57).

6. The Five Stages of Abandonment (“The Swirl”)

Susan outlines her model, which applies to everyone:

• 1. Shattering: Loss of hope, dreams, or security—can occur in trivial or major relationship ruptures.
• 2. Withdrawal: Yearning for what’s lost, a desperate longing to restore it.
• 3. Internalizing: Self-blame, harsh inner critic, deepest depression.
  • "Internalizing is the most painful of all stages because you’re really hating yourself." (34:17, Susan)
• 4. Rage: Anger that eventually surfaces—sometimes directed inward, other times at the rejector or unfortunate bystanders.
• 5. Lifting: Re-emerging into life, rediscovering small joys.
  • "When we start to lift out...we have to take our feelings with us and nurture them...otherwise, we become more callous." (37:01)

7. Rage and Its Alternatives

• Andrea notes her rage often took the form of “emotional vampirism” (being overly needy with friends), rather than lashing out.
• Susan explains rage manifests differently; some are too rational, others act out by neglecting themselves. Where you get stuck as a child predicts adult patterns (40:14–44:19).

8. Complexity of the “Disappearing Parent”

• Susan highlights the unique pain of growing up with an emotionally unavailable (often alcoholic) but physically present parent, sometimes suggesting this is “harder” than losing a parent entirely (43:11).
  • "It’s almost easier if the parent is dead...the disappearing parent, they’re there physically, so they’re reminding you of all the things you need from them, but they’re not there emotionally." (43:11)

9. The Healing Process: Tools and Practices

• Susan describes the “hands-on” elements of abandonment recovery:
  • Visualization: Positive imagery, even if you don’t believe it
  • Mindfulness: Anchoring into the present moment
  • “Big Me/Little Me” exercise: Inner-dialogue between adult self and “little you”—pure feelings/needs (46:30–47:32)
    • “Little you is the feelings...the abandoned inner child within the inner child.” (47:32)
• The goal is to redirect attachment energy toward oneself, creating self-love via actionable steps—not just thoughts.

10. Post-Healing Relationships & Loss

• Susan explains how her healing allowed for a new, healthy attachment (to someone not an “abandoner”)—and how later loss (her partner’s death) differed from abandonment trauma (51:46–54:04).

11. Current Work and Personal Focus

• Susan is focused on sharing her tools via workshops (now mostly online). She stresses her own ongoing work with mindfulness and living in the present (55:29, 56:52).

Highlighted Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I had to take responsibility for that and really rip myself into real honesty chunks to get to try to figure out why I did that.” – Susan, on the aftermath of her own abandonment (06:13)
• “That feeling of being on the outside, looking in, feeling repulsive, having a ton of shame and embarrassment, being self conscious, that all was with me consciously all the time.” – Susan (16:10)
• “Abandonment is a profound enough trauma to implant an invisible drain deep within the self that works insidiously to siphon off self esteem from within.” – Quoted by Andrea from Peter Yelton (26:02)
• “The primal feeling of not being enough...It formed before we had language. It’s a feeling. It’s not a judgment, it’s not an intellectual decision.” – Susan (29:30)
• “These stages are inevitably following one another...in rage, we start to realize what the other person or the job or whatever, how they contributed. But usually we’re so wounded by the abandonment that we can’t take our anger directly out on that person.” – Susan (36:41)
• “Little you is the feelings. I didn’t invent little you...It’s retooled in order to make it get into the abandonment wound.” – Susan (47:32)
• “The pain of abandonment is thwarted attachment energy...this exercise allows attachment energy to make yourself the object of your attachment.” – Susan (50:40)
• “What I’m really working on is taking a moment ... and getting into the moment sounds so easy, but it’s really...it takes tremendous effort” – Susan, on her current spiritual and emotional practice (55:29)

Timestamps of Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:40 | Introduction to Susan’s work and abandonment trauma as a clinical concept | | 06:13 | Susan recounts her abandonment story and early self-inquiry | | 13:42 | Susan’s childhood obesity, shame, and being an “adult child” | | 17:51 | The pervasive effects of separation anxiety on adult relationships and career | | 21:52 | Andrea shares her childhood experience with separation anxiety and shame | | 26:02 | “Invisible drain” quote discussion; self-esteem vs. self-worth | | 32:06 | Five stages of abandonment (“The Swirl”) explained | | 40:14 | The rage phase—how it may (or may not) be expressed | | 43:11 | “Disappearing parent” vs. loss; unique challenges for children of alcoholics | | 45:24 | The healing process: Visualization, mindfulness, and the “Big Me/Little Me” exercise | | 51:46 | Navigating new relationships and loss after healing, practical transformation | | 55:29 | Susan’s present-day focus: Mindfulness and gratitude | | 56:52 | Online workshops, reaching wider audiences for abandonment recovery tools |

Final Takeaways

This episode provides a deeply personal yet accessible framework for understanding and healing abandonment trauma. Andrea and Susan’s candid storytelling, coupled with practical and research-backed insights, illuminate the often invisible wound that shapes so many lives. Susan’s five-stage model offers a roadmap, while her exercises foster real-world change. The conversation ends with hope: healing is not about erasing the past, but forging a loving, nurturing relationship with yourself that endures.

Resources:

• Susan Anderson’s book: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
• Susan’s workshops and materials: [see show notes]
• Connect with Andrea: @adultchildpod on Instagram & TikTok