Adult Child Podcast

SHITSHOW SATURDAY #170 - Reacting Instead of Acting (Laundry List Trait 14)

Date: September 20, 2025
Host: Andrea
Featured guests: Community members (Sandra, Irene, Mike, John, Steve, Marie, Ashley, Teresa, others)

Overview

This episode centers on "Laundry List Trait 14" from the Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (ACA) framework: “We became reactors instead of actors.” Andrea and community members reflect on how unresolved childhood pain leads to automatic, survival-based reactions rather than conscious, intentional choices in adulthood. Through vulnerable storytelling, the group discusses triggers, emotional flashbacks, codependent relationship patterns, and moments of breaking these cycles to act with awareness. The conversation offers compassion, support, and hope for anyone struggling with the lasting impacts of childhood trauma.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What does “Becoming Reactors Instead of Actors” Mean?

[01:14-03:47] Sandra, summarized by Andrea

• Definition: Many who grew up in dysfunctional families react automatically from old wounds and survival patterns, rather than thoughtfully responding to situations in the present.
• Core concept: “Instead of responding to what's actually happening in the present, our nervous system reacts as if the past is still unfolding. We're not acting from choice, we're reacting from survival.” (Sandra, 01:34)
• Common Reactions Identified:
  • Emotional flashbacks and overwhelming triggers
  • Slipping into roles or people-pleasing (e.g., scapegoat, golden child)
  • Numbing behaviors (dissociation, compulsive scrolling, addictions)
  • Hypervigilance and catastrophizing
  • Rigid or avoidant boundaries ("ghosting," shutting down)
• Impact: “The tragedy is that it can keep us trapped in relationships where we’re loved for the role but not for who we actually are.” (Sandra, 02:26)

2. Personal Reflections on Reacting vs. Acting

A. Andrea’s Emotional Aha Moment

[03:47-09:47]

• Andrea shares she’s been “in an emotional flashback for like, the past week,” triggered by interactions with an avoidant partner.
• Self-awareness breakthrough: After finally disconnecting and spending time alone, Andrea realizes:
  • “Not only am I no longer willing to settle for crumbs or settle for less than I deserve, I’m like, incapable of...doing so at this point. And there’s a part of me that is just absolutely terrified that I’m going to be alone forever because of this.” (Andrea, 07:01)
• ChatGPT/Therapist wisdom shared:
  • “When you stop settling for crumbs, you will feel like you’re starving at first...But here’s the truth: crumbs were never a meal. They were never going to fill you. By saying no to crumbs, you’re clearing space for something nourishing, whole, and real.” (Andrea quoting ChatGPT, 08:12)
• Takeaway: Healing can feel “unfair” and bring up terror, but is a sign of growth and self-worth.

B. Irene on Dating, Triggers, and Codependency

[09:47-14:49]

• Irene describes trying to manage her codependency by dating multiple people, which instead left her “with more feelings and less happiness.”
• She shares about a triggering conversation with a partner who pushed back on her sharing trauma, and about how she responded to feeling “abandoned” and “bummed all day” by seeking external validation from others (including people she didn’t really want to date).
• Quote: “I'm really disappointed in myself...but that's okay. I'm still learning, I'm still healing, and I'm really glad to be back because none of you guys would ever be like, 'Why do you talk about your trauma?' Because it’s my life.” (Irene, 14:40)

C. Mike on Relationships and Mindful Response

[14:50-18:22]

• Explains his greatest struggle is pausing and responding with intention—especially with his wife—rather than reacting from childhood pain.
• Recent vacation served as a win for him, applying “stop, think, observe and proceed” to family stress, rather than “losing his shit over something that’s little and stupid.”
• Quote: “That’s the new me. Our responses are so fast. But the new me has been able to go, wow, that feels good. I'm not putting someone down, looking at it with the wrong glasses. That’s the compassion. That’s the mindfulness. That’s all this is working for now.” (Mike, 18:00)

D. John on Navigating Triggers in Relationships

[18:24-24:27]

• Describes a social situation (drag brunch, bar hopping) where he felt triggered but stayed present—unlike in the past when he’d spiral into self-sabotage and silence.
• Practiced voicing his needs (“actually, I’m kind of tired”) and observed how small steps toward authenticity now only cause “tiny earthquakes,” not total devastation.
• Quote: “Just the act of sharing it, not being alone in it, felt so much better...That oversized reaction is just a trauma response.” (John, 22:33)
• Message of hope: “If you’re struggling...the worst thing would be to share it—just share it. This group is full of love and compassion and we get to practice together. We get to learn how to do it together.” (John, 24:14)

3. Community Reflections: Challenges & Wins

A. Teresa: Dissociation and Flashbacks

[26:27-29:37]

• After work, Teresa noticed significant dissociation and was brought back to herself by joining the meeting.
• Acknowledges the “unfairness” of being flooded by reactions around those she loves most, particularly her daughter, recognizing lifelong patterns.
• Painful honesty: “I trick myself into thinking that I'm trying something different. But...I don’t have any clue who I am. ...I think it’s just best that I just let this girl go because it’s going to take me a lot longer to figure this out than I can keep playing Russian roulette with her emotions in her life.” (Teresa, 29:04)

B. Marie: Proud of New Boundaries and Self-Care

[29:37-34:16]

• Celebrated significant “wins” in navigating a difficult conversation with her husband about finances and future living arrangements in the context of divorce.
• Stayed calm, used the “gray rock technique,” asked clarifying questions, and prioritized self-care post-conversation.
• Quote: “I’m just really proud of the way that I handled myself in a trickiest topic while also feeling really triggered." (Marie, 31:45)

C. Steve: Perfectionism, Numbing, and “Doing Nothing”

[34:17-36:42]

• Recurring issues: hypervigilance, constant pressure, numbing with work instead of feeling.
• Articulates the exhaustion of perfectionistic, “backup plan to the backup plan” thinking.
• Uses physical activity (heavy bag workout) as a healthy outlet.
• Honest reflection: “Even though you've done all the work, these habits are so ingrained that they still come out from time to time.” (Steve, 35:58)

D. Ashley: Emotional Flashbacks and Compassion

[36:42-41:15]

• Oversaturation from world news triggered deep sadness and revisit of childhood wounds ("There's no way out and it's never going to end").
• Now can recognize and have compassion for that inner part, and has built a toolbox: “Make an appointment with my trauma therapist, set up an IFS session, have a couple people that I can call.”
• Quote: “Just having that compassion and the understanding that it, it may never change, I may never get to that piece or part that carries such overwhelming deep sadness that feels like I'm literally about to wash down a drain. And it feels so scary sometimes.” (Ashley, 40:25)

E. Sandra: Grace, Creativity, and Inner Voices

[41:20-48:19]

• Shared recent progress in offering herself grace about past parenting decisions and managing the “voices in my head” that echo the judgments of others.
• Described a newfound ability to notice, thank, and soothe those voices rather than being ruled by or numb to them.
• Experienced a creative “burst” and newfound joy in her passion (jewelry-making).
• Quote: “It’s this incredible harmony of voices and all these selves that have finally relaxed. ...I’m kinder to all these selves within me and I thank them. ...What is left is not emptiness, it’s not silence. It’s this incredible harmony.” (Sandra, 46:24)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We’re not acting from choice, we’re reacting from survival.” (Sandra, 01:36)
• “When you stop settling for crumbs, you will feel like you’re starving at first...But here’s the truth: crumbs were never a meal.” (Andrea quoting ChatGPT, 08:12)
• “I'm really disappointed in myself...but that's okay. I'm still learning, I'm still healing, and I'm really glad to be back because none of you guys would ever be like, 'Why do you talk about your trauma?'” (Irene, 14:40)
• “The new me has been able to go, wow, that feels good. ...That’s the compassion. That’s the mindfulness.” (Mike, 18:00)
• “Just the act of sharing it, not being alone in it, felt so much better. ...That oversized reaction is just a trauma response.” (John, 22:33)
• “I don’t have any clue who I am. ...I think it’s just best that I just let this girl go because it’s going to take me a lot longer to figure this out than I can keep playing Russian roulette with her emotions in her life.” (Teresa, 29:04)
• “I’m just really proud of the way that I handled myself in a trickiest topic while also feeling really triggered.” (Marie, 31:45)
• “Even though you’ve done all the work, these habits are so ingrained that they still come out from time to time.” (Steve, 35:58)
• “Just having that compassion and the understanding that it, it may never change...And it feels so scary sometimes.” (Ashley, 40:25)
• “It’s this incredible harmony of voices and all these selves that have finally relaxed.” (Sandra, 46:24)

Important Timestamps

• 01:14 — Sandra introduces Laundry List Trait 14: Reacting instead of acting
• 03:47 — Andrea shares her recent emotional flashback and healing realization
• 09:47 — Irene on triggers in dating and old codependent patterns
• 14:50 — Mike discusses practicing mindful response with his wife
• 18:24 — John’s story of voicing needs in a relationship and the power of community
• 26:27 — Teresa on dissociation around loved ones and “unfairness” of emotional pain
• 29:37 — Marie’s wins in divorce conversation and self-care
• 34:17 — Steve on perfectionism, hypervigilance, and using healthy outlets
• 36:42 — Ashley’s experience with emotional flashbacks and building self-compassion
• 41:20 — Sandra’s growth in soothing inner voices and embracing creativity

Tone & Community Spirit

• Raw, honest, sometimes painful—but always validating and non-judgmental
• Community members cheer each other’s progress and support vulnerability
• Emphasis on self-compassion, slow progress, and hope: even “failing” is seen as part of the healing process
• Each person’s share reinforces that deep, historic triggers are common among survivors of family dysfunction, and that learning to act rather than react is a daily, lifelong, but achievable journey
• Sandra: “This is a divine space...Being here has given me a life so profoundly different than anything I imagined possible.” (47:42)

Takeaways

• Noticing old patterns is the first step to change; progress often shows up in small, subtle moments
• Slowing down to observe, feel, share, and then choose how to act is the core healing practice
• Community and connection make this work bearable and possible; sharing struggles aloud transforms shame and brings relief
• The path from reactivity to conscious action is not linear; it's filled with victories, setbacks, and above all, compassion for ourselves and others

For more: Follow Andrea @adultchildpod and start from episode 1.