Podcast Summary

Podcast: Adult Child
Host: Andrea
Episode: Mistaking Pain for Love: Mother Hunger, Self-Abandonment & Reprogramming the Subconscious w/ Lisa Romano
Release Date: September 24, 2025
Guest: Lisa A. Romano, codependency and adult child recovery coach, author, and YouTuber

Overview

This episode features a raw, insightful conversation between host Andrea and Lisa Romano about the lifelong impacts of growing up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic family. They explore the concept of the “adult child,” mother hunger, codependency, complex trauma (CPTSD), and the journey toward authentic healing. Lisa shares personal stories and practical approaches to breaking destructive cycles, reprogramming subconscious beliefs, and finding self-love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the "Adult Child" and Generational Dysfunction

Definition and Realization: Lisa recounts the first time she heard "adult child" in therapy during a period of crisis (losing her marriage, body, and mind).
- "'You've got this thing, you're an adult child of an alcoholic.' And I went, that's a thing? I have a right to say that my childhood sucked?" (Lisa, 06:43)
Denial and Permission: Lisa explains the power of receiving "permission" to acknowledge the dysfunction of her upbringing, breaking the “no-talk rule.”
Programming and Shame: She discusses internalized shame and the message that family dysfunction was her fault.

2. Childhood Experiences and "Mother Hunger"

Heartbreaking Anecdotes:
- Lisa shares a story about buying sneakers for her mother at age 9, only to be told, "What do you think you can buy my love, Lisa?" (Lisa, 09:01) – an early experience of rejection and conditional love.
- Another formative event involved her mother and brother reading her diary for amusement, violating her privacy and trust.
Family Roles and Triangulation:
- Lisa describes being her father’s golden child and her mother’s scapegoat; her siblings were placed in various roles, creating division and further emotional injury.
- "I was my father's golden child, but my mother's scapegoat." (Lisa, 12:09)
Impact on Self-Esteem: Chronic invalidation and neglect fundamentally shaped Lisa’s sense of worth and need for connection.

3. Complex Trauma and Codependency

Discovery of CPTSD:
- Lisa describes peeling back layers over years — codependency, depression, and eventually CPTSD and emotional flashbacks triggered by exes or even daily occurrences.
- "It was like my brain was on fire ... It was automation, happening outside of my control." (Lisa, 28:38)
Programming and Triggers:
- She explains how subconscious childhood programming yields automatic responses in adulthood, particularly in relationships.
- Both Lisa and Andrea note the prevalence of adult children not realizing their trauma responses are rooted in childhood (31:23).

4. Shortcomings of Traditional Therapy and Self-Help Approaches

Gaps in Standard Treatment:
- Lisa asserts that psychology and self-help often focus on symptoms, not core beliefs and subconscious programming.
- "We're never really taught that our feelings are the result of what we believe ... We focus on the symptoms, try to make people's anxiety go away. Yet anxiety is divine truth. Something's wrong and my body knows it." (Lisa, 34:02)
Limitations of 12-Step Programs:
- Both speakers reflect that AA and similar programs can be lifesaving, but often don’t address codependency or deeper trauma for adult children.

5. The Healing Journey: Reprogramming, Boundaries, and Self-Compassion

Consciousness Shift & Self-Empathy:
- Lisa describes how objectifying her pain and recognizing her programming allowed her to access empathy for herself—essential for recovery.
- "It's not you. It’s your programming ... I am subject to the laws that govern this body, and those are my five senses, the default setting of my brain." (Lisa, 22:43)
Reclaiming Self-Worth and Setting Boundaries:
- Lisa highlights the necessity of radical boundaries with family, not seeking validation, and tolerating others’ perceptions.
- "I have to release other people of the burden of needing to validate me ... I am not going to be a slave to your projection." (Lisa, 47:20)
Living Authentically and Finding Purpose:
- Stepping into public truth-telling, even risking familial rejection, became a turning point ("If it helps save one person ... so be it if my parents don’t talk to me anymore." Lisa, 44:38).
Meditation and Rewiring the Subconscious:
- Lisa shares practical reprogramming steps: daily meditation (sometimes hours), journaling, tracking negative self-talk, and consciously reframing old beliefs.
- "I was like on a safari for negative thoughts ... then it was, I’m going to reframe it." (Lisa, 62:05)

6. The Adult Child & Narcissism

Adult Child Defined:
- "An adult child is someone who approaches adult life from the position of a child ... subservient, feeling less than, highly agreeable, lacks confidence, needs permission, acts out, is not acting for our higher good." (Lisa, 64:29)
Narcissism Discussion:
- Lisa cautions against overuse of the term "narcissism" but underscores its importance for adult children, as codependency and chronic low self-worth often attract narcissistic partners ("My parents were narcissistic and they were adult children of alcoholics, so there was a piece to that." Lisa, 65:34).

7. Lasting Change and Spiritual Growth

Awareness Precedes Action:
- Both note that awareness isn’t enough; deep rewiring and persistent action are necessary.
- "Just like learning you have cancer doesn't make the cancer go away." (Andrea, 53:15)
Spiritual Connection:
- Lisa believes recovery restores connection to higher power/internal unity, lost through trauma.
- “The power to change my life is now. It’s never been outside of me ... Higher power is in me.” (Lisa, 53:37)

8. Practical Healing Tools and Programs

Lisa’s 12-Week Class: Lisa discusses her intensive, pragmatic digital course for adult children, focusing on root causes and personal transformation (67:54).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Permission and Denial:
“To be given permission to break out of that parameter, that faulty paradigm was life-changing.”
(Lisa, 06:43)
On Childhood Wounding:
“What do you think, you can buy my love, Lisa?... I was crushed. All the life was drained out of me.”
(Lisa, 09:01)
On Programming:
“You were neurologically wired at a subconscious level, right?... If I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, I had to accept that because it could be no other way, based on the parameters that govern a physical world.”
(Lisa, 22:43)
On Adult Child Dynamics:
“An adult child is someone who approaches adult life from the position of a child... highly agreeable, lacks confidence, needs permission...”
(Lisa, 64:29)
On Boundaries and Validation:
“I have to release other people of the burden of needing to validate me. I’m not going to be a slave to your projection.”
(Lisa, 47:20)
On Healing and Self-Awareness:
“I was on a safari for negative thoughts ... then it was, I’m going to reframe it.”
(Lisa, 62:05)

Timestamps for Important Segments

Introduction & Lisa’s Story Begins – 06:04
First Time Hearing “Adult Child” – 06:43
Childhood Stories & Mother Hunger – 09:01
Family Roles and School Experiences – 12:09
Treatment and Realizing CPTSD – 22:40
CPTSD and Emotional Flashbacks – 28:38
Why Many Don’t Realize They Have Trauma – 31:23
Critique of Therapy/Self-Help – 34:02
Shift in Consciousness in Recovery – 39:15
Publishing Her Book & Family Fallout – 44:38
Boundaries and “Individualizing” – 47:20
Meditation and Subconscious Reprogramming – 55:52
Identifying Negative Self-Talk & Reframing – 62:05
Who is an Adult Child/Defining the Term – 64:29
Narcissism and Codependency – 65:34
Lisa’s Course and Recovery Resources – 67:54

Tone and Style

The episode is unflinchingly honest, emotional, and empowering. Both Andrea and Lisa use candid, relatable language, with a mix of humor (“shit show,” “bumper cars”) and depth. They do not shy away from discussing painful realities but continually emphasize hope, personal power, and the possibility of transformation.

Resources & Further Information

Lisa’s 12-Week Course: Intensive healing program for adult children (live and self-paced options).
Books: "The Road Back to Me," “My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce,” and more by Lisa A. Romano.
Andrea’s Support Community: “Shit Show Support Group” for adult children healing from family dysfunction (adultchildpodcast.com).
Follow Andrea: Instagram | TikTok

Podcast Summary

Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the "Adult Child" and Generational Dysfunction

Definition and Realization: Lisa recounts the first time she heard "adult child" in therapy during a period of crisis (losing her marriage, body, and mind).
- "'You've got this thing, you're an adult child of an alcoholic.' And I went, that's a thing? I have a right to say that my childhood sucked?" (Lisa, 06:43)
Denial and Permission: Lisa explains the power of receiving "permission" to acknowledge the dysfunction of her upbringing, breaking the “no-talk rule.”
Programming and Shame: She discusses internalized shame and the message that family dysfunction was her fault.

2. Childhood Experiences and "Mother Hunger"

Heartbreaking Anecdotes:
- Lisa shares a story about buying sneakers for her mother at age 9, only to be told, "What do you think you can buy my love, Lisa?" (Lisa, 09:01) – an early experience of rejection and conditional love.
- Another formative event involved her mother and brother reading her diary for amusement, violating her privacy and trust.
Family Roles and Triangulation:
- Lisa describes being her father’s golden child and her mother’s scapegoat; her siblings were placed in various roles, creating division and further emotional injury.
- "I was my father's golden child, but my mother's scapegoat." (Lisa, 12:09)
Impact on Self-Esteem: Chronic invalidation and neglect fundamentally shaped Lisa’s sense of worth and need for connection.

3. Complex Trauma and Codependency

Discovery of CPTSD:
- Lisa describes peeling back layers over years — codependency, depression, and eventually CPTSD and emotional flashbacks triggered by exes or even daily occurrences.
- "It was like my brain was on fire ... It was automation, happening outside of my control." (Lisa, 28:38)
Programming and Triggers:
- She explains how subconscious childhood programming yields automatic responses in adulthood, particularly in relationships.
- Both Lisa and Andrea note the prevalence of adult children not realizing their trauma responses are rooted in childhood (31:23).

4. Shortcomings of Traditional Therapy and Self-Help Approaches

Gaps in Standard Treatment:
- Lisa asserts that psychology and self-help often focus on symptoms, not core beliefs and subconscious programming.
- "We're never really taught that our feelings are the result of what we believe ... We focus on the symptoms, try to make people's anxiety go away. Yet anxiety is divine truth. Something's wrong and my body knows it." (Lisa, 34:02)
Limitations of 12-Step Programs:
- Both speakers reflect that AA and similar programs can be lifesaving, but often don’t address codependency or deeper trauma for adult children.

5. The Healing Journey: Reprogramming, Boundaries, and Self-Compassion

Consciousness Shift & Self-Empathy:
- Lisa describes how objectifying her pain and recognizing her programming allowed her to access empathy for herself—essential for recovery.
- "It's not you. It’s your programming ... I am subject to the laws that govern this body, and those are my five senses, the default setting of my brain." (Lisa, 22:43)
Reclaiming Self-Worth and Setting Boundaries:
- Lisa highlights the necessity of radical boundaries with family, not seeking validation, and tolerating others’ perceptions.
- "I have to release other people of the burden of needing to validate me ... I am not going to be a slave to your projection." (Lisa, 47:20)
Living Authentically and Finding Purpose:
- Stepping into public truth-telling, even risking familial rejection, became a turning point ("If it helps save one person ... so be it if my parents don’t talk to me anymore." Lisa, 44:38).
Meditation and Rewiring the Subconscious:
- Lisa shares practical reprogramming steps: daily meditation (sometimes hours), journaling, tracking negative self-talk, and consciously reframing old beliefs.
- "I was like on a safari for negative thoughts ... then it was, I’m going to reframe it." (Lisa, 62:05)

6. The Adult Child & Narcissism

Adult Child Defined:
- "An adult child is someone who approaches adult life from the position of a child ... subservient, feeling less than, highly agreeable, lacks confidence, needs permission, acts out, is not acting for our higher good." (Lisa, 64:29)
Narcissism Discussion:
- Lisa cautions against overuse of the term "narcissism" but underscores its importance for adult children, as codependency and chronic low self-worth often attract narcissistic partners ("My parents were narcissistic and they were adult children of alcoholics, so there was a piece to that." Lisa, 65:34).

7. Lasting Change and Spiritual Growth

Awareness Precedes Action:
- Both note that awareness isn’t enough; deep rewiring and persistent action are necessary.
- "Just like learning you have cancer doesn't make the cancer go away." (Andrea, 53:15)
Spiritual Connection:
- Lisa believes recovery restores connection to higher power/internal unity, lost through trauma.
- “The power to change my life is now. It’s never been outside of me ... Higher power is in me.” (Lisa, 53:37)

8. Practical Healing Tools and Programs

Lisa’s 12-Week Class: Lisa discusses her intensive, pragmatic digital course for adult children, focusing on root causes and personal transformation (67:54).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Permission and Denial:
“To be given permission to break out of that parameter, that faulty paradigm was life-changing.”
(Lisa, 06:43)
On Childhood Wounding:
“What do you think, you can buy my love, Lisa?... I was crushed. All the life was drained out of me.”
(Lisa, 09:01)
On Programming:
“You were neurologically wired at a subconscious level, right?... If I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, I had to accept that because it could be no other way, based on the parameters that govern a physical world.”
(Lisa, 22:43)
On Adult Child Dynamics:
“An adult child is someone who approaches adult life from the position of a child... highly agreeable, lacks confidence, needs permission...”
(Lisa, 64:29)
On Boundaries and Validation:
“I have to release other people of the burden of needing to validate me. I’m not going to be a slave to your projection.”
(Lisa, 47:20)
On Healing and Self-Awareness:
“I was on a safari for negative thoughts ... then it was, I’m going to reframe it.”
(Lisa, 62:05)

Timestamps for Important Segments

Introduction & Lisa’s Story Begins – 06:04
First Time Hearing “Adult Child” – 06:43
Childhood Stories & Mother Hunger – 09:01
Family Roles and School Experiences – 12:09
Treatment and Realizing CPTSD – 22:40
CPTSD and Emotional Flashbacks – 28:38
Why Many Don’t Realize They Have Trauma – 31:23
Critique of Therapy/Self-Help – 34:02
Shift in Consciousness in Recovery – 39:15
Publishing Her Book & Family Fallout – 44:38
Boundaries and “Individualizing” – 47:20
Meditation and Subconscious Reprogramming – 55:52
Identifying Negative Self-Talk & Reframing – 62:05
Who is an Adult Child/Defining the Term – 64:29
Narcissism and Codependency – 65:34
Lisa’s Course and Recovery Resources – 67:54

Tone and Style

Resources & Further Information

Lisa’s 12-Week Course: Intensive healing program for adult children (live and self-paced options).
Books: "The Road Back to Me," “My Road Beyond the Codependent Divorce,” and more by Lisa A. Romano.
Andrea’s Support Community: “Shit Show Support Group” for adult children healing from family dysfunction (adultchildpodcast.com).
Follow Andrea: Instagram | TikTok

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Mistaking Pain for Love: Mother Hunger, Self-Abandonment & Reprogramming the Subconscious w/ Lisa Romano

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Summary

Podcast Summary

Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the "Adult Child" and Generational Dysfunction

2. Childhood Experiences and "Mother Hunger"

3. Complex Trauma and Codependency

4. Shortcomings of Traditional Therapy and Self-Help Approaches

5. The Healing Journey: Reprogramming, Boundaries, and Self-Compassion

6. The Adult Child & Narcissism

7. Lasting Change and Spiritual Growth

8. Practical Healing Tools and Programs

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Timestamps for Important Segments

Tone and Style

Resources & Further Information

Summary

Podcast Summary

Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the "Adult Child" and Generational Dysfunction

2. Childhood Experiences and "Mother Hunger"

3. Complex Trauma and Codependency

4. Shortcomings of Traditional Therapy and Self-Help Approaches

5. The Healing Journey: Reprogramming, Boundaries, and Self-Compassion

6. The Adult Child & Narcissism

7. Lasting Change and Spiritual Growth

8. Practical Healing Tools and Programs

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Timestamps for Important Segments

Tone and Style

Resources & Further Information