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- [00:00]
Teresa
So tell me if this sounds like you. You're the one holding it all together. You're the reliable one, the helper, the fixer. You're getting it done at work in your relationships, for your family. But inside you're exhausted. Rest feels impossible or even guilt inducing. Asking for help feels unsafe, maybe even a little shameful. Your body is always clenched. You're running on empty, but you can't stop. So here's what no one tells you. That hyper responsibility, that constant over functioning that is one of the most overlooked forms of functional freeze.
- [00:30]
Andrea
We're.
- [00:30]
Teresa
We tend to think freeze looks like shutdown, like doing nothing. But sometimes freeze looks like doing everything. Fixing, helping, performing. All while disconnecting from yourself underneath it all. And here's the thing. You can't think your way out of this mindset. Hacks won't melt this freeze because it's not about mindset. It's your nervous system stuck in survival mode. It's about your body believing it's only safe if you keep doing. And I know plenty of you right now are hardcore relating to everything that I'm saying. Which is why I'm so excited about Breathe to Heal. A six week somatic breath work core course designed exactly for this. Led by Teresa, a certified somatic breathwork practitioner and a fellow member of our show community, this course will help you reconnect with your body, regulate your nervous system and begin to feel safe enough to rest, slow down and just be. And y'all. This is a steal compared to most somatic healing programs out there. We start on Wednesday, May 14th at 8:30pm Eastern. It's all online. It's live on Zoom, so get your damn spot@adultchildpodcast.com breathe to heal. That's Breathe, Breathe with an E at the end or you can see the link in the show notes. Your nervous system has been waiting for this, so please don't leave it hanging.
- [01:47]
Sandra
Welcome back to Shit Show Saturday.
- [01:50]
Terry
Shit.
- [01:50]
Sandra
So Saturday folks. Ahoy my shit show mateys, Captain Andrea here. Just wanted to check in with you on a few things. Number one, you're gonna get to hear our group from this past Tuesday. So at the beginning of every group I always ask, does anybody have a win, a loss, a struggle, an aha, a whatever that they'd like to share. And so typically when I'm recording these groups, I don't start recording until after this part, until I bring up the topic for the day. But our dear Sandra, our queen Sandra was on a damn roll, sharing some wins that she had had. And I said, hold the phone. This needs to be recorded. And I really wish I had had the whole thing recorded because it was extremely moving.
- [02:34]
Andrea
But the part you'll get to hear.
- [02:36]
Sandra
Is still extremely powerful. So that's the first thing that you'll.
- [02:40]
Andrea
Hear and then you'll hear when we.
- [02:40]
Sandra
Go into the to the topic for the day. But I just wanted to say that as I'm always harping on this, this is relational trauma. We heal relational trauma through safe relationships. This is a place where you can do so what San illustrates that beautifully. Next, I wanted to also share with you about a new small group that we had that just started this past week. It is called the Employment Struggle. I can't say is called the let's try that again. The Employment Struggle Sesh. Let's try to say that three times.
- [03:15]
Andrea
Employment Struggle Session.
- [03:17]
Sandra
Oh my God. Do you guys try now? Employment Struggle Sessions. Employment Struggle Chest Employment Struggle and it is a place for you to come and share, get advice, get support, vent on anything and everything employment job related. As we all know, this is a major area where our, our shit showiness, our adult childness comes out to play. So this is every other Wednesday at 1pm Eastern. And I love that we just keep creating these small groups so that people can connect on these specific struggles or topics and also gives an opportunity for us to connect in more intimate ways. And so we have a bunch of these smaller spaces, discussion groups in the community. There's probably about, I don't know, 15 or 20 of them that all have discussion boards, but the ones that actually have active groups that are meeting. So we have the csa, the Childhood Sexual Abuse group that meets every Wednesday at 8pm Eastern. We have the Divorce and Separation group that meets on Fridays at 1pm Eastern. Also a new group is we have a Shit Show Dudes group that is meeting monthly Saturday morning. I think they're adjusting the time some there. Then we have the IFS Parts group led by the awesome Jesse, which is every other Tuesday at 8:30pm and then we have this new Employment Struggle sessions every other Wednesday at 1pm Eastern. And so that is on top of the four other weekly groups that we have. So we have Sundays at 3pm Eastern. We have Monday nights at 8:30pm Eastern. That is a book club group. So we are currently in the midst of facing codependence by Pia Melody. And then we have Tuesdays at 1pm Eastern and then Thursdays at 8:30 30pm Eastern. So damn the join folks. Damn the join. You know you want to it's seriously time for you to hop on this damn ship. Just give it a try. We'd love to have you. It is truly a one of a common place, one of a kind place. So see the link in the show notes to join if you can also give me a little follow on insta on TikTok at adult child pod and last but not least, whatever you do please please please keep me on five star radio on Apple and Spotify. I would really appreciate it.
- [05:40]
Andrea
Thanks. Love you all.
- [05:41]
Mike
And I'm going to be brave here. When I went to the the website and I saw that it was Andrew's birthday. Lovely Andrew. This group, one of the things that troubled me in the beginning was one was new people could join. Oh my God, please no new people because that means I have to figure out what kind of imposter I'm going to be, how I'm going to speak yada, yada. So I've gotten through that. That's a big thing for me. The other thing that troubled me was the fact that men were welcome in this group. What my, my troubles, I mean I've had to keep, keep them a secret and they have to do with my dysfunction with men. Not men who are predatory and like 10 year old girls. All right? It was because of me, you know, I was something abominable that caused these men to be attracted to me. So I've learned that that's not true. But Andrew, Terry, Mike, I can name many others. So I'm not leaving anyone out. You all have shown me what a true man is. You have shown me because I only knew men who were abusive, who battered, who cheated, who lied, who stole. That just happened to be the world that I was in this lifetime, in this earth school. For what I needed to learn was to value myself, to feel strength, to feel human. All right? And you men have shown me what a man is. It's not all those other things because there are some men who are like that, but not all because I'm an all or nothing catastrophizer. So you have shown me a side of what I'm going to a human man is I put those two together because human. The first time I slept with someone I was a freshman in college. And this is the God's honest truth. Do you know what surprised me? It was not like whoa, wow, this sex is great. I mean my head wasn't even there. The thing that amazed me was that he was warm bodied, he was warm blooded and I remember the first time holding him and feeling that he was warm and I had only known the hard hands, the cold skin, the fear when I blocked feeling, when the men in this group thank you for what you've given me. Thank you. You've given me something special. I have male friends, my chosen family. There's half a dozen of us, and half of them are men. But I found that now, when I talk about them or when I talk with them, just like Terri, I share. They're there, they understand. They don't. They're not horrified by me and my experiences, my life. Now, I can tell you in the last six years and in the last two years, the world is a new place for me. The world is a new place. And for anyone who is doubting this work, I tell you, the trick in this work is that I found, is what we call it radical acceptance. Two opposing things, the dialectics of it. And I'm now able, when I'm mindful and spiritual, to stand. It's like I'm standing on a pinnacle on the very top of a craggy mountain. And I can look out, and out before me is a sea of clouds. So there's even more underneath those clouds. And I can look out and I can be mindful and I can trust in the universe and that God is supporting me and wants me to win. I can look out and I can say about my husband. He was a mean, vicious asshole who thrived on the energy that he got from hurting people or from drawing them in and then humiliating them. And he was a very, very, very successful man who hid his light, who hid what he did at home and appeared otherwise when he was out. I can look and say, and I can stand on that pinnacle and I can look out and I can see my mother who was cruel to me, who taught me to be this fearful, frightened girl child. I can look at her and I can say, and she was cruel to me and she loves me. And I'm going to be frank here again. When I was 12 and 13 and my father was after me, I lived in terror because I had no protection. I had no lock on my door. I opened my door and my father would be standing there in his boxer briefs, just mesmerized, just staring at me sleeping in bed. My mother did the only thing she knew. Her mother had not protected her. She protected me in the only way that came to her mind. Her mother would leave her alone with her brother. What my mother did is she would get drunk. I slept in a twin. A twin bed in my own room. She would get Drunk. And she would come in my room in the middle of the night, she would say, and she would get in bed with me and sleep with me. She did that to keep him away. So I can say my mother was cruel to me and she loved me and tried to protect me the best way she could. So takes me back to my daughter. I loved and protected her the best, best, best way that I could fathom, that I could imagine, that I could know it's not what she needed in this world, in this lifetime, but it's the end. And I think I find so much power now when I can stand on that pinnacle and look out at that. That sea of clouds and know that there's a world under it and know that I can stand there. And it's not all or nothing. It's not this or that. It's. And. And when we can find that peace. For me, I define that place. Place. It's not an equilateral middle. It's not a center in the way we think of center, but it's a. It's a balance that puts me in sync with God and the universe. This community has helped me reach this place. You all. I use the mountain analogy. You all have looked at me as one of your fellows crawling up the crags, the side up that mountain, and you all have put out your hand to lift me up. And from the feedback that I get from you all in my small ways and parts, I've given something to you and the community. On Sunday, someone said that to me. They said, we. We learn from you. We. This is my heaven. Okay? We can experience heavens. There's heavens, levels of heavens. In my healing, and I hope in yours. Honor the work that you're doing. Honor your power. Honor your strength. You are doing monumental. To think of what was taken away from us. The fundamentals, the need for security, for peace, for love, for. For acceptance. Every one of us is battling some aspect or degree of that. I bless you all. I love you all. This is a miracle. And we're all miracles. Love you and I talked a lot. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for letting me share. You're very loved here.
- [14:26]
Andrea
All right, folks. Resentment. New beginnings. Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving others and ourselves. Resentments do not punish the other person. They punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go. Letting go of resentments does not Mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries. We try to see the good in the person or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part. Then we put the incident to rest. Praying for those we resent helps. Asking God to take our resentments from us helps too. What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of the past and entering this one free of resentments? Wouldn't that be so nice if we could just do that? Just clean the slate? Higher Power helped me become ready to let go of my resentments. Bring any resentment that is hidden within me and blocking me to the surface. Show me what I need to take care of myself by letting go of resentments, then help me do that. So I've been trying my best to do the daily practice by Crappy Childhood Fairy. And a lot of the resentments that I've been writing down have been resentments that I feel towards myself. Part of the reason why it is so challenging for us to let go of resentments, and I think this speaks to both what Terry and Sandra were sharing is that like so much of our faulty beliefs, our false self, our identity that we developed in our childhood is really tied up in the resentments that we hold. And you know, letting go of those resentments can be really scary because that means changing our perception of ourself. And you know, there's just a lot of parts of us that don't want to do that. And it's really hard to let go of resentment towards ourselves and resentment to other people when we still have these wounds that are impacting our sense of self and our self esteem. Because we're gonna feel resentful if we feel like we're not living as our true selves. And so as we develop more of a sense of self, it helps us to let go of the resentments that we hold towards ourselves, which ultimately, you know, brings space for us to start letting go of resenting others. You know, the other thing with letting go of resentments is like that it requires that we feel the feelings that are related to it. And so anger obviously is really important. Like we have to get the anger out, but we also have to remember that anger is often a secondary emotion. And so we might be holding on to resentments because it's a lot more comfortable for us to just Feel the anger and stay in the anger. Then address the pain and the sadness that lies below the resentment. And also too, I think it's important that in order for us to let go of resentments towards other people, especially towards our families, is we have to have more clarity. We have to have clarity on what the hell actually happened to us and what the impact was. And so I think it does take time for us to really uncover all those wounds so that we can have a clear picture so we know what it is that we're actually trying to, to let go of. You know, and the other piece with that too is, you know, I talked about how it's so tied up in our sense of self. I think the other thing is that like resent holding on to resentment. That's one of the ways that we, our addiction to excitement manifests as well. You know, like there's all this stress hormones and feelings that are associated with being anger, you know, maybe feeling like self righteous or the injustice. And that's just one of the ways that we try to recreate those feelings of wanting to feel alive.
- [18:54]
Sandra
And so I just think that for.
- [18:56]
Andrea
So many of us, it's just like what we've always known, right? It's always there. And I think that resentment also is a big indicator of where we need to have boundaries in our life. So if we have resentments towards people, if every time, like we hang out with somebody, after we spend time with somebody or on the phone with somebody, if we feel resentful towards them, that's probably a good indicator that we need to establish boundaries. And so I think that that's really important to like, remember that it often is a sign of when, you know, we feel like a boundary is getting crossed and are we putting ourselves kind of like in a place of victimhood? If we're continuing to do that and not establishing boundaries. And last piece is just to remember that it's not linear. We might feel that we release the anger that we have towards our families or towards ourselves or to others. But as we continue to peel the layers of the onion and we make new discoveries, it's probably going to bring up more layers of, of anger and resentment that we need to, to process. So just remembering that it's not. There's not a finish line, it's kind of this flow that we're always kind of going in and out of. So yeah, I just want to say, like, sent Terry a message last Wednesday after his share really hit me last week, and it really hit me the next day. And I was on my trampoline and I had to get off, and I just started crying and just really feeling a lot of resentment towards myself of just, like, the ways in which I've allowed. I don't say allowed. I'm not going to say that. That's what I tell myself. But I feel like I've allowed these limiting beliefs, the toxic shame, the scapegoat identity, to waste so much of my life and really hating myself for that, you know, and. And I have to get to a place of forgiveness and acceptance there. But that self blame and that self resentment is really challenging and hard and feeling like you should be, like, so much further along in things. But I just want to say the past couple days especially, I've been able to just tackle scary tasks that don't seem like they should be scary, but they are scary. And so I'm really making an effort, like, at the end of every day to connect with my parts and, like, really make an effort to point out, like, look at. Look at what we did. Look at what we did. And I'm really trying to cultivate a lot more tools. And I don't know why. Sometimes it is. I feel like the past two years, it's just so hard sometimes to just do the things that, you know, work right. And so the past few days, I've just, like, had my headphones on constantly. And I'm either, like, listening to affirmations or I'm listening to Abraham Hicks. And I'm praying multiple times a day. Like, before I do a task in the middle of the day, if I'm feeling scared, I, like, get down my knees and I just ask for God to help, like, remove the fear so I can do this. All the things. It's so hard to do that stuff sometimes. But, yeah, I'm making more of an effort. And most importantly, I'm making an effort to point it out to all of my parts so that they can start to see that I can take care of them, you know, slowly, and that we can do hard things and that we can make progress. So that's where I'm at. Floors open, Hands away. All right.
- [22:15]
Teresa
Shit show, ladies. Have you ever had those days where everything just feels so much damn harder than normal and you can't figure out why? I already know the answer to that question is yes. And, boy, have I definitely had more than my fair share of those days and totally get just how frustrating this can be. But recently I've learned that sometimes it's not just stress, lack of sleep, A dysregulated nervous system. It could also be my hormones at play. And that is where Happy Mammoth comes in. They offer a free two minute quiz that can help you uncover the root cause of your hormonal symptoms. It's super easy. Any shit show can do it. Just answer a few questions about what you've been going through and where you're at in life. After taking this quiz, you'll get personalized recommendations to help balance your hormones and start feeling better. So I took this hormone quiz myself. The quiz suggested that my body may be overloaded with estrogen, which is affecting me in all kinds of ways. And one of the recommendations that I got was to start taking Hormone Harmony, which helps with bloating, chronic fatigue, weight gain, mood swings, and more. And after adding it to my routine, I've definitely noticed a difference. Now, taking care of your hormones isn't just about feeling good right now. It's also about investing in our healing journey. And so by taking this quiz, you'll learn more about your hormone balance, which will allow you to start making small, intentional changes to support you on this healing journey. Whether it's the Hormone Harmony or another Happy Mammoth product, the quiz helps guide you towards solutions that work specifically for you. So if you're ready to start feeling like yourself again, head over to happy mammoth.com and take their free 2 minute hormone quiz today to find out the ultimate answer to your stubborn hormonal issues. And for a limited time, you can also get 15% off your entire first order with my code Adult Child at checkout. That's Happy Mammoth. Com and use the code adult child for 15% off today.
- [24:04]
Jesse
Hi.
- [24:05]
Grant
I loved everyone's shares so far. Thank you. And something that was on my mind the past few days was I was like, I don't breathe and I've been holding my breath. And so like, when Sandra, like, brought that up, I was like, wow. Because I was like, I need to like, figure that out or like, I'm sure it's something like what is happening there. So I was just like, loved, like, getting that message and like hearing, hearing that. Because I'm just like, I don't really know what to do with it, but I feel like it's something is like happening. And then just hearing the part about what you said, Andrea, of like, the clarity of, like getting that clarity of what happened to us where I'm like, oh, I so badly want to, like, take action, but it is like actually understanding, like, what has happened. What has happened, like, what has happened historically, like as much as I want to, like, just be taking action in the present moment, so much of it is, like, just uncovering and like, having, I think, like, the clarity or like, seeing it in a different way. And I have to say, I think that idea of clarity has been coming up so much for me. Just in reflection of the past, like, six months, the past year, and seeing the progress that I've made. I just. There has been a ton of clarity, and I'm, like, so grateful. My husband was in rehab the month of June, and he's going back this week. So even looking at how I felt about. I don't know, is that six months ago, something like that. Just looking at my mindset six months ago to now and how I feel about it, like, it's great. It's great to just see the progress in myself and see even. Just, like, the amount of resentment I had towards him back then, even now, I just feel a lot, like, more neutral about it. And I feel like that's like a word that's coming up for me is, like, feeling neutral and not. Not over the top. So I'm like, okay, that's like, something to be said about the work that's being done. Because, yeah, sometimes I just feel like, am I doing anything or. Yeah, also the reminder, it's like, it's not linear. And sometimes I just feel so. Like I'm tired and frustrated. I'm so tired. But I. Yeah, I think it's like something to, like, keep myself going when I am able to reflect and see, like, things that have moved and. Yeah, everything that's changed is, like, within me. Nothing else has. Like, things even externally maybe you could say are, like, worse or something. But it is, like, amazing that I'm like, oh, because I've done so much, like, internal work on myself or just me, that it changes my own experience in the world. Even when things clocking suck and I find it, I'm finding things a little more manageable. But then even when I was like, why am I so tired? I'm like, of course I'm tired. There's so much going on. Like, I think that I still want. There is, like, this feeling of that everything should be good and perfect or easier or better, but I just am, like, reminded of, like, that's not. That's not the end goal. It's just, like, having a little bit more peace with myself. And I don't know, I'm just fucking figuring this shit out every day. And I'm so happy to be here. And it's like a reminder like this is where I'm supposed to be. And I just like love what Sandra was saying of like that we're all like in our, in each other's lives or in this group at the right time for the right reasons and like hearing the things that we need to hear. And I just think that's really beautiful and it makes me really grateful and warm and happy. So thank you.
- [27:35]
Tina
Hi guys. This is Lamp. He's snuggling hardcore right now, so she'll be along with this. Share I haven't shared a long time in this group so bear with me as well. But I kind of like to share about a couple of things that have been happening at work really over the past four day stretch from Friday through Monday. I'm a nurse, I am orienting a new nurse and I work in icu. Our hospital has been, it's what's called level four. So it basically means that like we're putting patients wherever they can possibly go. Most nurses are picking up a ton of overtime to care for these patients and you know, a lot of floating is going on between units. So I come in on Saturday morning and I see that my orientee who is a basically a six week old nurse Renault is on the board to go and work in the ED by herself. And I was like, Phelps is like no, absolutely not, absolutely not. That's unsafe. I got pushed back from the overnight charger saying like park supervision, this is happening. And I was like basically I, I along with some of like the other day shift charge nurses, we spoke up, made her concerns known. It didn't end up happening. So she was with me for the day. She then my orientee informed me that our educator had texted her personally asking her to come in on another day to work in the ED hold again by herself. And I was just like what the hell is going on? Like this is, I get that the hospital is you know, at a horrible point right now, but this is not okay. This is not safe. So I get on my high horse and I start writing an email. I'm working up policies, I'm copying the policies into the email basically stating our policy states that nurses have to have a competency paperwork completed before they can practice on their own. It also states that they are not to float to any other units until they are six months off of orientation. So I am, you know, writing to my manager, my director with these concerns, asking them to pass this on to supervision, also stating that this is a terrible way to retain nurses basically because if I'm a brand new nurse and I see, oh, I'm gonna float somewhere where I've never been with no resources. I just, if I were in that space, I would feel that my license is in jeopardy. But this is a 22 year old kid who like, I don't know if she would even feel comfortable to say that. So very fired up. I felt very, yeah, very passionate about it. And my previous job before this job was as a unit educator in another hospital, which was a very toxic environment. So I, I knew like the regulatory standards because I had to make sure that they were all in place. So send this email. I'm feeling fine about it. I'm just like, they just didn't, didn't realize and they were going to pass it on to supervision. So get to work. I send this email on Sunday, I get to work on Monday. My director and manager call me in and they, you know, I'm just kind of expecting to be like, okay, let's talk through, you know, these solutions, whatever, da, da, da. And they are just looking at me with like pity in their eyes and they're just like, we feel like you don't feel supported by us. And, and they kind of said, you.
- [31:13]
Grant
Should have called us.
- [31:14]
Tina
Like you, this, you know, if you felt so concerned about this. Like, we're, we're at your beck and call 24 7. You're, you know, you're, you're okay, like you're okay to express your concerns with us. This is the, this is safe. We're here for you. We're here to support you. And tears just started streaming down my face because I have always worked in an environment. Gonna cry now too. Always worked in an environment where you have to like, prove that you're right and prove that, you know, prove that you're doing the right thing and reflecting back. That was the way it was for my childhood as well. Because my. Not so much my father, because he was just drunk all the time and then dead. My mother was like, I had to prove my reality because she denied my reality. And so it was just like. And I kind of said to my manager and director, like, I'm so sorry, I did not mean to disrespect you whatsoever. I meant this as, you know, was there any awareness on anyone's part that this was happening? And yeah, I never had felt supported before. And I was like, really disappointed because at this hospital I've always felt so supported. And so it was just like, what is happening? You know, so the fact that I could have Called them did not cross my mind in one second. I just. Previously that would have been like a means for being written up or something. Calling a director on the weekend for something, like, not urgent, like, no, not. Okay. So I just. I think I really just need to do a lot of reflection and just realize that I can, like, trust people, you know, and the fact that I can trust authority figures and that they are seeing my reality. And we had a great, wonderful, productive conversation too, about, like, yes, of course we know the policies. You know, we felt a little assaulted, but you felt the need to, like, attach the policies to your email, you know, But I just. I always worked in an environment where I had to prove my reality and where I was doing the right thing. So. So, yeah, I think this whole resentment topic has a lot to do with that because while I'm certainly not resumpting like my current bosses and I'm like, hugely thankful for them because this is truly the best hospital environment I've ever worked in. And that was the first time that I've ever been like, oh, this is not a good situation. And it was all just a bunch of miscommunication. That's what it ended up being. So, yeah, I just. I need to learn how to trust people. And it's really hard because I just. I think I was trained not to just from a very young age. So I think probably a lot of you can relate. So thank you for hearing me. I appreciate it.
- [34:21]
Terry
This is pretty timely. Every reading that's been coming across into my awareness has been really timely lately. I think I'm just, like, more open to receiving the information that's coming my way. I was the strengthening my recovery reading was on relationships was. Which was really good. But resentment has been coming up for me. And thinking about relationships made me think about resentments and, you know, the self judgment. When that's really strong in me, then I'm judging others. When I give people the benefit of the doubt for so long and then they do something that I feel like is beyond the pale, and then I just, like, I'm done with you, you know, then I harbor that resentment. And I can name three or four, you know, top people that I'm still holding on to. One, you know, a family member for years. And I come to peace with that situation. But there's still resentment there that I can work on. Fellow traveler that I been working with. And I shared about this, my friend, we are no longer meeting regularly, talking, texting, nothing. And I'm okay with it. I'm really okay with it. But I hear her in, you know, early meetings that I go to quite often, and resentment comes up, but I can see it for what it is. So I really am going to work on letting that go. I am trusting that, you know, this is just one of those relationships that it was good for a while. There were lessons in it, you know, as one of those people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime, there was definitely a reason. There was a season. And we're just not aligned anymore. And that's okay. You know, I can still care about her and, you know, maybe we'll reconnect at some point, maybe not. But there, that resentment that I'm recognizing, I'm glad this has come up because, you know, in other friendships, there's things that have been done and I. Instead of asking for clarification or confirming or confronting like I had done with this one individual, I just shut it down and like, okay, we're done. So, anyway, this is good food for thought. So grateful for this topic. Thanks. Oh, I forgot. I wanted to share quickly. I went to the Claudia Black workshop yesterday. It's hosted by Circle of Friends Berlin, I think they're called. And they're. They're not a. A clearly defined route, 12 step group, but they're like all 12 step people. I don't know if anyone else is familiar, but they have recordings and it was incredible. She. It was just so incredible. She came on. I don't know if anyone got to see it. I posted it in the chat or got to go. But anyway, I highly recommend it. I got a lot from it. I'm going to listen to it again and take notes that she shared, like, her story as an adult child. You know, she shared as Claudia. And then she shared, as you know, in her professional capacity. And it was incredibly good. So awesome.
- [37:20]
Mike
That's what I got.
- [37:21]
Andrea
All right. Somebody else has shit to say about resentment.
- [37:24]
Lila
I have shit to say about resentment.
- [37:27]
Grant
Andra.
- [37:28]
Lila
Damn. They have me crying and all the feelings, and I appreciate them because I needed to feel them. I can't make this shit up. I got this little book for Christmas, and It's called like 365 days on the Red Road. And I really, for. I don't even know when it started. I definitely have so much interest in Native Americans. But today this came up. It says, oh, great spirit whose voice I hear in the wind, I come to you as one of your many children. I need your strength and wisdom. Make me strong. Not to be superior to my brother, but to be able to fight my greatest enemy myself. And it really hit me just like all these share. We are always in aca our own worst enemy. We shoot ourselves in the foot. I feel like if I can't do it, we'll shack the worst time then I am shit.
- [38:40]
Tina
I am shame, I am bad.
- [38:43]
Lila
And if when you set it, I feel like when I set a boundary where I tell someone, no, that's the role I put myself in because I've.
- [38:53]
Tina
Never done it before.
- [38:55]
Lila
It sucks when you tell someone, like, I'm sorry or I can't do that right now. I even feel like guilt about that shit. But I have to go back to my true self and I know it's a part of me and I have to just go back to my true self and say like, you didn't die. You set a boundary. You said no and you didn't die. But I definitely am my own worst enemy. And then I have to ask myself, like resentment a if I set this like boundaries, my understanding or the help that what's helping me with freedom is if I set a boundary, then there's not going to be a resentment. There may already one be starting or me being snippy, snipey who I can be my inner teenager kind of walking around, as my therapist says, with your finger up, not saying anything, but you're giving everyone the middle finger in your brain.
- [40:01]
Grant
Like, fuck you.
- [40:02]
Tina
I know what I'm doing, but it's.
- [40:03]
Lila
Only that, like, I want to learn. I like to be taught. But then there comes a point where I think enough is enough and I. I just need to get pushed out there on my own, jump in with my feet and go for it. And I may get a resentment if somebody won't let me jump in or won't let me hit the water. You're not always going to be there to be my life preserver. So just let me do it. Let me fuck it up and let somebody tell me how it's fucked up. But it hurts. Kind of like being told that something's wrong or something you did isn't right. There's definitely that shame that comes up. But I'm learning from you guys nifs that I can sit with that shame and find it from way back when, when I was a little kid and I was shamed into doing things that I did not want to do. So thanks for letting me share and thank you all for being here.
- [41:09]
Jesse
Last night in. Was it last night? Yes, last night in group when we were talking about emotional abuse. I Kind of, like, taken all my notes, and I took that into my IFS therapy this morning, and I shared, I think, what. What Grant had originally shared, withholding information from my family and kind of how that ended up happening and kind of all of the beliefs, the negative beliefs around myself that that kind of created a perfect breeding ground for. And we unpacked that a bit today. And then I got to connect with a part that I've been doing a lot of work with the last few months. And it felt really. It felt really good to be able to connect with her. And I think she kind of had this notion of, you know, if I. She was looking at her experience as a kid and my experience day to day as a mom and, you know, say she was kind of telling me, like, if I yell, I'm being just as bad as my family of origin. And so we kind of. We worked together to help her understand, you know, that disruption and repair are normal. And this means that I am being a present parent and that I am taking care of my children in the ways that children need to be taken care of. And, you know, I had kind of worked through. My therapist walked me through, reminding her, you know, even in the moments that I really struggle and, you know, behave in a way that I don't feel good about, I always do the work to repair and to own my mistakes with my children and learn how to do better. So this part had told me she was feeling really disconnected from me in these moments and after, because it just felt so wrong that, you know, I was, like, raising my voice to my kids. And it felt really good to be able to kind of have her be able to see the grayscale of the scenarios and kind of, you know, bridge that gap between us. And my therapist said something about. I had shared, you know, kind of, like, some of my experiences in our community and just, you know, how much I appreciate how we can all show up for each other in ways that lift us up and allow, like, help us to see where we need to heal our own selves. And she kind of described our community as heaven on earth. So I wanted to share that all with you because it definitely rings true for me and I'm thankful for everyone shared today and just so thankful that this space exists for us. Thank you all.
- [43:47]
Andrea
Thank you all for showing up for each other.
- [43:50]
Jesse
So love you guys.
- [44:02]
Grant
Know what's making you small now Let.
- [44:06]
Andrea
All know what you got to do yet.