Adult Child Podcast — SHITSHOW SATURDAY #147: Ashlie T. Host: Andrea
Guest: Ashlie T.
Date: March 29, 2025

Episode Overview

This week on "Shitshow Saturday," Andrea sits down with Ashlie T., a deeply engaged member of the Adult Child community, for a raw, vulnerable conversation about the long-term impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Together they explore Ashlie's journey through codependency, complex trauma (CPTSD), struggles with depression, toxic family patterns, generational trauma, parenting while healing, and how modalities like IFS (Internal Family Systems) have transformed her approach to self-care and parenthood. The conversation is an honest deep dive into recognition, breakdown, and renewal.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Discovering the Adult Child Identity

• Home in the Community:

  • Ashlie reflects on joining the community and podcast, describing an instant sense of belonging and support. (00:22-00:38)
  • Quote:
    "It like became another home for me very quickly, which feels good." – Ashlie (00:29)

• Realizing Her Family Was ‘Different’:

  • Even as a child, Ashlie noticed her home was unlike her peers’: multiple generations under one roof, silos within chaos, selective about letting friends visit.
  • A conversation about middle school with friends made her realize how deep her struggles ran, setting the stage for understanding the "adult child" experience. (03:00-04:35)

• Finding the Podcast:

  • A friend’s recommendation after listening led Ashlie to dive into past episodes before joining the community.
  • Quote:
    "My life is a goddamn shit show. I need support. It was wonderful." – Ashlie (00:50)

2. Mental Health, Motherhood, and Trauma Awakening

• Triggering Periods:

  • Postpartum depression and anxiety hit hard after her first child, leading Ashlie back to therapy for the first time since college. (04:48-06:53)
  • Quote:
    "There was just kind of this disconnect... emotional flashbacks of being a kid and not very well tended to...and this is my child, they are crying, I need to tend to them." – Ashlie (05:03)

• Workplace Trauma:

  • Returning to a dysfunctional workplace after her second child intensified her crisis, trapping her in “functional freeze” and trauma responses.

• Diagnosis & Therapy Struggles:

  • Her therapist suggested CPTSD but seemed to lack deep understanding, instead prescribing productivity hacks and eventually ADHD medication.
    • Medication was numbing; the therapy relationship turned toxic when deeper trauma work was needed. (06:53-09:43)
  • Quote:
    "While that was helpful in helping me power through every day, I was very dissociated... just serving everyone else’s needs and not able to look inward." – Ashlie (08:15)

3. Growing Up in Chaos

• The Multigenerational Household:

  • Ashlie paints a picture: mother, grandparents, aunt, uncle (who is likely autistic), and cousin—each existing together yet separate (“siloed”), with frequent tension and no clear boundaries.
  • Physical and emotional abuse, favoritism, scapegoating, tempers, and lack of comfort or repair after conflict. (10:18-14:32)
  • Quote:
    "There was just a lot of harsh treatment like that, a lot of harsh words... I was just trying to find calm in the chaos." – Ashlie (12:21)

• Father's Absence:

  • Never knowing her father, encountering shame at dances, and her mom's inconsistency left her feeling unwanted and burdensome.
  • Quote:
    "Kind of from that stemmed this perpetual belief that I'm a burden. My mom isn't willing to spend time with me... and my grandparents seem impositioned by it." – Ashlie (16:20)

4. School, Bullying, and Early Relationships

• Academic Struggles and Isolation:

  • Suspected learning disabilities, little family support, and being labeled as “not applying herself” despite trying hard.
  • Severe bullying for poverty, appearance, and being “different.”
  • Quote:
    "It’s really defeating when you’re applying yourself as much as you possibly can, but you just don’t have the right tools." – Ashlie (18:23)

• Toxic Friendships & Unsafe First Romantic Encounters:

  • Early friendships introduced unhealthy dynamics and risky behaviors.
  • Pattern of entering relationships with controlling or abusive men; one ex-boyfriend stalked her via spyware and physically threatened her.
  • Recurring cycle of abuse, punctuated by one kind but ultimately unfulfilling partner.
  • Quote:
    "That was kind of the start of having a slew of more abusive partners. I had one very kind partner in the middle... but surprise, he was boring." – Ashlie (24:34)

• Meeting Her Husband:

  • After leaving a toxic relationship, Ashlie met her husband through Tinder. He stood out for his kindness, awkwardness, and reliability—a stark contrast to her past.
  • Quote:
    "He was just so kind and considerate and definitely a bit awkward, but very put together and that was so refreshing." – Ashlie (27:16)

5. Healing Through Internal Family Systems (IFS)

• Transition to IFS:

  • Dissatisfied with CBT and her prior therapist, Ashlie discovered IFS through the podcast.
  • IFS therapy has been transformative, fitting her visual mind and helping her “meet” her past selves (“parts”) and generational influences.
  • Quote:
    "I can visualize things really well in my mind's eye... whenever we’re diving into (IFS), I kind of close my eyes and my therapist is guiding me through..." – Ashlie (28:50)
  • Notable Moment:
    Describes her “middle schooler” part as a “tiny tornado,” referencing a Looney Tunes character, underscoring her childhood chaos.
    • Memorable Exchange:
      Andrea: "The name of a cartoon show: The adorable little tornado." (31:39)

• Generational Healing:

  • Therapeutic visualization included ancestors she never met, giving deeper context to her trauma.
  • Packing up emotions into symbolic “containers” helped her set boundaries internally, leading to feelings of catharsis and surprising real-life synchronicities. (33:26-35:54)

6. Parenting While Healing

• Twin Challenges:
  • The difficulty of navigating deep inner work amid the demands of young children.
  • Balancing past trauma triggers with the present need for patience and healthy boundaries.
  • Guilt over reactiveness, but pride in consistent efforts to repair ruptures with her children—something she never experienced growing up. (36:16-43:19)
  • Quote:
    "I have a lot of examples of what not to do...there are parts of me that feel really concerned I’m not accounting for really important things." – Ashlie (36:36)
  • Notable Parenting Practice:
    Consistent repair after yelling or losing patience—apologizing at length and modeling healthy relationships.
    • Quote:
      "It feels really good to realize how many points of repair there are, so much opportunity for the repair." – Ashlie (41:41)
  • Grief in Parenting:
    Facing deep sadness and anger for the comfort and checks she never received from adults in her own childhood; healing by being “there every step of the way” for her own children. (43:21)

7. The Power of Community in Healing

• Giving and Receiving:
  • Validation and mutual support in the Adult Child community accelerates healing; reading others’ stories helps Ashlie re-parent herself.
  • Discovering compassion even for parts of herself she disliked, and benefitting from the diversity of perspectives.
  • Quote:
    "So much of my life experience has been, ‘why is it that the people who are closest to me...can’t be bothered, but a bunch of people you’ve never met just show up for you with open arms...’ It feels incredible." – Ashlie (45:39)

8. Reflections, Strengths, and Hopes

• What She Likes About Herself:

  • Readily accepting and loving others
  • Persistence (“my undying persistence – it's what’s gotten me this far”)
  • Creativity, and the drive to find beauty amid hardship
    (47:11)

• A Hope for the Future:

  • To continue growing her inner peace and stability, becoming more able to confidently handle life’s difficulties and sustain “the stability in my inner world.” (48:14)

• Pride and Fatigue:

  • Recognition of her hard work and its payoff, but also deep, valid tiredness: “I’m really thankful for it. And I’m also really tired.” (46:34-47:06)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There’s so much opportunity to help, to show up and validate others experiences... it feels like I’m healing those parts of myself.” – Ashlie (44:46)
• Andrea, about repair work in parenting: “That’s really beautiful. You’re doing a good job.” (43:19)
• “While I feel like a demon yelling at my kids in a reactive way, it also just feels so uplifting to be like, no—I’m not my parents, I’m not my family.” – Ashlie (42:41)
• “I feel like only in the past couple of years am I kind of breaking free of a lot of [self-limiting beliefs]. Or maybe not breaking free, but loosening. Loosening.” – Ashlie (23:04)
• “Should I feel this healed? I mean, even early on, I feel like I made a lot of progress.” – Ashlie, on IFS therapy (28:50)
• "[IFS] has pulled a lot of generational trauma to the forefront... it's almost like a historical deep dive on my family." (35:54)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:03-00:50 — Ashlie joins, background, first connections with the community.
• 03:00-04:35 — Initial awareness of dysfunction and "adult child" identity.
• 04:48-09:43 — Postpartum depression, workplace trauma, therapy struggles and misdiagnosis.
• 10:18-14:32 — Childhood, multi-generational chaos, abuse, father’s absence.
• 18:23-23:04 — School difficulties, bullying, early self-limiting beliefs.
• 23:09-27:07 — Romantic history: toxic relationships, patterns, meeting her husband.
• 28:44-35:54 — IFS therapy: visualization, meeting her “parts,” generational healing.
• 36:16-43:19 — Parenting, balancing repair with inner healing, grief for her unparented self.
• 44:46-46:24 — Community healing, reciprocal support.
• 47:11-48:54 — Self-appreciation and future vision.

Tone & Final Thoughts

This episode is profoundly intimate, both heavy and hopeful, balancing humor and grit. Ashlie’s storytelling is honest, often wrenching but always thoughtful and self-reflective. The conversation is as much about the pain of the past as it is about persistence through healing—and about showing up for oneself and the next generation, even with doubts and weariness. Her journey embodies the messy middle of recovery: unclear boundaries, imperfect therapy, self-repair, and the irreplaceable power of a compassionate community.

(Summary by Podcast Summarizer AI — Episode excludes ads, outro, and non-content sections.)