Adult Child Podcast
Episode: SHITSHOW SATURDAY #148 - Humility in Healing
Host: Andrea
Date: April 5, 2025
Episode Overview
In this raw and emotionally charged episode, Andrea and her guests gather for an open group conversation centered around the theme of “humility in healing” for adult children of dysfunctional families, particularly those impacted by alcoholism, codependency, complex trauma (CPTSD), and toxic shame. The group delves into the ongoing challenges of healing generational wounds, the realities of grief and acceptance, and the power of vulnerability within safe community. Through personal stories, candid admissions, and mutual support, the episode underscores that humility in recovery is not about diminishing oneself but rather embracing, softening, and being present with what cannot be easily changed.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Role of Humility in Healing (00:14)
- Humility ≠ Shrinking; Humility = Softening:
Katie opens with a poignant perspective, redefining humility in recovery as the ability "to face ourselves and our patterns without defensiveness or shame." - Healing as an Ongoing Process:
- Healing doesn't mean erasing our past or pain—some issues (body image, abandonment, anger) may never disappear.
- Shift from "Why can't I just let this go?" to "How can I be with this right now?"
- Quote: Katie (00:39):
"Maybe healing is a verb, not a destination. Maybe the work is in allowing space for the mess to still exist without letting it define us."
2. Navigating Parental Relationships and Grief (01:54)
- Andrea reflects on the long-term impact of parental alcoholism:
- Speaks openly about "perpetual grief" from watching her parents' decline.
- Acknowledges complexity of maintaining financial and emotional ties with them.
- The Desire for Parental Recognition:
- Andrea shares a personal story about receiving a text from her mother ("Can you ever forgive me?") and her own response that encompassed love, honesty, and boundaries.
- Quote: Andrea (05:59):
"I want you to know how much I love you. I don't harbor resentment towards you, but there is a little girl inside of me who feels like she lost her mom... I'm the only one that can do anything about that."
3. Accepting Unchangeable Parts and Internal Integration (07:40)
- Kristen discusses EMDR therapy:
- Shares a moving visualization of different versions of herself (at various ages) holding hands, symbolizing acceptance of all past selves and the integration of shame into self-compassion.
- Quote: Kristen (08:08):
"We all were just holding hands and accepting each other for us and that I didn’t need to be ashamed of any parts of myself and that together we were stronger."
- Learning True Strength:
- Discusses the cultural and familial teaching that toughness = strength, while vulnerability is now seen as true strength.
4. The Pain of Loss, No Contact, and "Missing Mom" (09:30)
- Ambiguous Loss and Milestones:
- Lisa details the grief after going no-contact with her mother, describing both sadness and the hope for a new chapter as she approaches her 40th birthday.
5. Self-Sabotage, Shame, and the Search for Self-Compassion (10:10)
- Nick’s Story:
- Shares about secret pain, self-punishment, and compensatory behaviors (buying a boat during a midlife crisis).
- The struggle of continuous self-denial and distraction in the search for healing.
- Quote: Nick (11:11):
"I always try to do these hobbies and keep myself busy and occupied, trying to fix myself and try to hide that trauma... whether it be the hobbies... or actually not doing the work every week that we’re supposed to be doing..."
6. Vulnerability, Acceptance, and the Need to be Heard (12:18)
- Kristen on Softness and Wanting To Be Seen:
- For years, equated "being soft" with weakness. Now sees humility as allowing herself just to “be OK” with who she is and letting herself be seen in the group’s safe space.
- Quote: Kristen (12:27):
"Part of the humility for me is just allowing myself to see me… and still give myself a break and remind myself that I’m not perfect and I don’t have to be perfect and I’m human and it’s okay to be human." - Yearns for understanding from her father, despite knowing it’s unlikely.
7. The Struggle with Hyper-Independence and Asking for Help (17:24, 17:57)
- Lisa’s Key Fob Story:
- Narrates losing her key fob after playfully rolling down a hill, and the subsequent anxiety and realization about her "hyper-independence" and reluctance to ask for help.
- Quote: Lisa (18:23):
"I have a lot of compassion and empathy for people, and I want to be there for people. But… when it’s reversed and I have to be vulnerable and ask for help, that still is so scary." - Reflects on the fear of letting people in due to past hurts, recognizing the need to change this pattern.
8. Acceptance and Grace: Learning New Emotional Skills (23:42)
- Andrea’s Synchronicities and Acceptance Practice:
- Shares how Al Anon slogans, particularly "Let go, let God," have influenced her week.
- Describes writing prayers (out of character for her) to ask for guidance towards joy and acceptance, and facing the difficulty of showing herself compassion when she was never taught how.
- The Four Agreements Story:
- Recalls the tale in which God hides a piece of himself in every human, as a metaphor for self-acceptance and grace.
- Quote: Andrea (29:08):
"...reminded of the fact that I was never taught what that looks like. I was never showed compassion. I was never showed grace. So I have to accept that I don’t know what that looks like right now."
9. Elder Care, Resentment, and Humble Acceptance (30:23)
- A Guest describes caring for a mother with dementia:
- Details moving through resentment for having to shoulder responsibility, recalling a dementia lecture about how emotions leave lasting impressions.
- Finds humility in the care role, ultimately experiencing fleeting but real moments of connection and compassion.
- Quote: Guest (32:24):
"If I kind of live in the humility of what my life is right now and own it and parent myself… there’s a lot of parenting myself that’s come from being in this group."
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On Humility and Healing:
- Katie (00:36): "Real healing begins when we stop asking, 'Why can't I just let this go?' and start asking, 'How can I be with this right now?' That shift takes humility."
- On Continuous Grief:
- Andrea (03:48): "It's continuous grief... this perpetual grief of watching my parents slowly get sicker and sicker and less involved in my life, and trying to heal my childhood wounds simultaneously."
- On Wanting to Be Seen:
- Kristen (12:52): "I do want to be heard and I want to be understood. And I'm not ashamed to say that today."
- On Accepting Help:
- Lisa (20:56): "I just realized that I have to start allowing people in. And that seems so scary because immediately I go to the past and I'll run through my mind every single time I've ever trusted or allowed people in, what happened..."
- On Learning Self-Compassion:
- Andrea (29:08): "I was never taught what [compassion and grace] looks like... So I have to accept that I don't know what that looks like right now."
- On Parental Loss and Memory:
- Guest (33:58): "I’m going to miss my mom... I'll miss those moments when she can still walk and I'll take her for whatever she is at this point."
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:14–04:53: Katie’s opening on humility and healing as ongoing, not final, process.
- 04:53–07:40: Andrea’s reflection on parental alcoholism, grief, and desire for acknowledgment.
- 07:40–10:09: Lisa discusses EMDR and acceptance of selves at different ages.
- 10:10–12:18: Nick on hiding pain, self-denial, and the struggle to stop self-sabotaging behaviors.
- 12:18–17:10: Kristen on the need to be seen, the challenge of softness, and sharing with the group.
- 17:24–23:41: Lisa’s “key fob” story illustrating hyper-independence and the discomfort in asking for help.
- 23:42–30:23: Andrea’s journey with acceptance, prayer, and learning to show herself grace.
- 30:23–35:09: Guest on caregiving for a parent with dementia, moving from resentment to acceptance and presence.
- 35:09–End: Final reflections circling back to humility, letting go, and what makes us small or soft.
Conclusion
Adult Child Podcast’s SHITSHOW SATURDAY #148 is a moving group journey through the messiness of generational trauma recovery. Instead of striving for a final “healed” state, these voices champion showing up with softness, honesty, and humility—even (and especially) when pain resurfaces. The group’s vulnerability and wisdom remind listeners that healing is a continual, communal act—that the simple willingness to be seen, and to try again, is itself a profound strength.