Adult Child Podcast

SHITSHOW SATURDAY #150 – Teresa N.

April 19, 2025

Host: Andrea
Guest: Teresa N.

Overview

This episode features a raw and vulnerable conversation between Andrea and Teresa N. about the long-lasting impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family, codependency, alcoholism, complex trauma (CPTSD), generational trauma, toxic shame, and the challenging journey toward healing. Teresa shares her life story—from her childhood in a chaotic home through substance abuse and trauma, to rebuilding her life and repairing relationships with her children. Together, they explore the importance of community, somatic healing, internal family systems (IFS), and the courage to confront the past.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Finding the "Shitshow" Community and Discovering Adult Child Identity

• Teresa’s Discovery

  • Found the Adult Child podcast after it was recommended, quickly became involved in its community, particularly the support groups focused on IFS (Internal Family Systems).
  • "It feels like home. I found my family." (Teresa, 01:03)

• Self-Identification as an Adult Child

  • Teresa’s realization began in young adulthood after moving to New York at 17 in search of a fresh start and an acting career, post her father's entry into sobriety.
  • Initial exposure to ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings, learning about the "laundry list traits."
  • Teresa’s reaction to being told she needed to "get well", feeling frustrated: "You guys are the ones that messed me up...I guess I need to go do something about it." (Teresa, 03:01)

2. Childhood Dynamics, Trauma, and the Burden of Dysfunction

Growing Up in Montana

• Youngest of four, parents both adult children from Catholic, authoritarian, emotionally repressive backgrounds.
• Father: alcoholic, emotionally absentee; Mother: raged, scapegoated Teresa.
• Teresa labeled as "too sensitive", "the problem", and suffered chronic invalidation.
• Early suicide attempt at age 14; mother’s response: “she didn’t have time for my shit.” (Teresa, 13:15)
• "Expressing emotions was a big no-no in my family...you had to keep the family secret." (Teresa, 12:04)

Generational Trauma & The Role of Religion

• Stories of her father's childhood abuse (beaten for being left-handed by nuns, shamed, neglected).
• Both parents caught in cycles of shame, repression, and unrealistic expectations.
• "My parents couldn’t give their own kids what they never received." (Teresa, 21:15)

3. Escaping, Substance Abuse, and Emotional Numbing

Coping Strategies and Early Adulthood

• Escaped to New York, worked as a nanny, then university staff; sexually assaulted as a young adult, which deeply compounded her shame and sense of worthlessness.
• Joined the military, repeated family dynamics by marrying an alcoholic, later became the alcoholic in her second marriage.

Progression of Alcoholism

• Made an oath as a teen to never become an alcoholic or marry one; eventually alcoholism took hold after life crises in her 40s.
• "I say that for five years I crawled into the bottom of a bottle and just disappeared." (Teresa, 07:00)
• Drinking escalated rapidly from one glass to all-day drinking within six months.

Recovery Initiation

• DUI arrest in 2015 was a turning point; haven't drunk since.
• Initially found community in AA, but realized the need for deeper trauma work; resonated with an ACA member’s words: "The things that we bury get buried alive and then they eat us from the inside out." (10:26)
• "I can't get to the wounding." (Teresa, 10:52)

4. Discovering Neurodivergence

Genetic Discovery

• Learned about her and both sons’ neurodivergence after genetic testing (microduplication in chromosome 17; son’s microdeletion in chromosome 22).
• Reflections on lifelong masking, difficulty fitting in, and the grief and anger that came with finally understanding her differences.
• "Oh, my god, I got pummeled as a kid by my own family...nobody listened to me." (Teresa, 25:24)

5. Healing: Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatics, and Breathwork

Initial Therapy Experiences

• Family discouraged therapy—anytime progress was made, her mother pulled her out to avoid exposure of family secrets.
• As an adult, found lasting healing through IFS and somatic approaches after leaving AA.

IFS and "Parts" Work

• Worked with coach Bill Tierney for 18 months; discovered and unburdened multiple “parts” (e.g., a rage part, “grizzly bear mama,” exiled young selves).
• A pivotal somatic memory: revisiting an 18-month-old self during a stressful diaper-changing episode, leading to resolution of lifelong GI issues.
• "As soon as I showed up for her...I said, 'you're safe, I've got you.' ...After that session I didn't have a problem at all in my GI tract." (Teresa, 36:38)
• "I'm not crazy...we're all born with multiplicity." (Teresa, 32:56)

Embracing Somatic Practice & Breathwork

• Combined somatic work, parts work, and breathwork; credits these modalities for deep transformation.
• “The only way that we can connect our mind to our body is through our breath...when we go into survival mode, we cut ourselves off from our body.” (Teresa, 39:30)
• Emphasized breathwork as a portable, daily tool for emotional processing and suggested integrating breathwork into community practices.

6. Repairing Family Relationships

Healing Parental Relationships

• Neither parent able or willing to discuss or own family dysfunction; Teresa has compassion, but no expectation of change from them.

Relationship with Siblings

• Sister has engaged in decades of therapeutic work; brothers are distant, no close bonds remaining.

Rebuilding with Her Children

• Grapples with guilt and accountability for trauma experienced by her sons, especially the younger (parentification, emotional neglect, assigning unhealthy roles).
• Healing began after sobriety and intensification of inner work. Allowed her younger son to voice his pain, “letting him say all that he needed to say, and allowing myself to hear it.”
• Used IFS “parts” language to foster understanding and eventually guided her son through his own self-work.
• "For our relationship that we have today...it is so, so beautiful. It takes my breath away." (Teresa, 50:36)

7. The Power of Community

Staying vs. Running

• Teresa’s history of running away from vulnerability was interrupted by intentionally staying in the “Shit Show” group.
• "Allowing myself to be seen in my shit show moments...and to have that witnessed and embraced from a space of non-judgment and love..." (Teresa, 53:56)

Group Process as Relational Healing

• The importance of witnessing each other’s pain in a group as a corrective, reparative experience—"That’s what we’ve needed the entire time: to be witnessed." (Teresa, 54:46)
• “When people say, well, you can’t go back, you can’t change the past—yes you can. You can go back and you can give your little inner child what they’ve needed this entire time.” (Teresa, 55:20)
• Praised Andrea for “turning your pain into purpose” and building a healing community.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "It feels like home. I found my family."
  —Teresa, on joining the community (01:03)

• “You guys are the ones that messed me up…so there was an Al-Anon book, and somehow I got information on ACOA meetings and…that’s when I…I’m an adult child.”
  —Teresa, early realization of family dysfunction (03:01)

• "I say that for five years I crawled into the bottom of a bottle and just disappeared."
  —Teresa, on her period of alcoholism (07:00)

• “The things that we bury get buried alive and then they eat us from the inside out.”
  —AA meeting attendee (relayed by Teresa), on what keeps pain alive (10:26)

• "She didn’t have time for my shit. And she walked away."
  —Teresa, after her suicide attempt at 14 (13:15)

• "We’re all born with multiplicity…my system was just responding to protecting myself."
  —Teresa, on the power of IFS (32:56)

• "As soon as I showed up for her…she just felt safe and I could feel the safety and it was, it was so impactful."
  —Teresa, on healing an inner child memory (36:05)

• "The only way that we can connect our mind to our body is through our breath…it is our medicine."
  —Teresa, on breathwork (39:30)

• "Let that emotion complete its cycle and get it out of your body. Let it process. We can’t do that without the breath."
  —Teresa, on emotional processing (41:58)

• "I had to show up and I had to be accountable and I had to hear what he had to say."
  —Teresa, on repairing her relationship with her younger son (48:57)

• "To have that witnessed and embraced from a space of non-judgment and love…that’s the moment the healing begins."
  —Teresa, on the power of group support (54:46)

• "Thank you for turning your pain into purpose. And thank you for suiting up and showing up even when you’re a shit show."
  —Teresa, to Andrea (55:31)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Finding the Podcast and Community – 01:10–01:37
• Early ACOA Experience & Family Impact – 02:45–05:06
• Alcoholism and Recovery Journey – 07:00–10:52
• IFS and Core “Parts” Work – 31:10–37:21
• Neurodivergence and Diagnosis – 22:09–26:20
• Breathwork and Somatic Healing Explained – 38:52–42:29
• Repairing Relationships with Children – 45:28–51:28
• Group Healing & The Power of Vulnerability – 51:43–55:31

Final Reflections

The conversation offers frank, compassionate insight on the realities of generational trauma, family dysfunction, addiction, and the deeply non-linear path to healing. Teresa’s story is marked by honesty and hope, underscoring the necessity of community, somatic practice, and courageous self-accountability. The “Shit Show” community is depicted as a vital space for witnessing, support, and collective transformation.