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SHITSHOW SATURDAY #169 - Carole F. - Adult Child | Wave AI Podcast Notes

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SHITSHOW SATURDAY #169 - Carole F.

Adult Child

Sat Sep 13 2025

Summary

Adult Child Podcast

Episode: SHITSHOW SATURDAY #169 – Carole F.

Host: Andrea
Guest: Carole F.
Date: September 13, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of "Adult Child" features a powerful, candid, and often darkly humorous conversation with Carole F. about growing up in a dysfunctional family, the far-reaching impact of generational trauma, codependency, addiction, and toxic shame, and her ongoing journey to heal. With vulnerability and resilience, Carole shares her personal story, from a troubled childhood to the pursuit of recovery, self-acceptance, and breaking intergenerational cycles. Listeners will find truth, validation, and hope in this raw reflection on family wounds and the slow, hard work of recovery.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Carole’s Dual Life: Comedy and Coaching

[02:03] Carole:

Carole describes her “mullet” career—by day she’s a nutrition coach, by night a stand-up comic.
She relates to living with dual aspects of personality, balancing health and humor.

2. Early Awareness of Dysfunction

[04:20] Carole:

Carole’s mother referred to their family as dysfunctional, with a father described as a “dry drunk.”
Carole always sensed “something was wrong,” but was unclear on specifics until adulthood.
Realization that she was deeply impacted by her childhood, especially in her uncertainty about becoming a parent.

3. The Legacy of Generational Trauma

[07:34] Carole:

Carole discusses deep generational trauma in her family, notably her father’s rage (inherited from his own abusive upbringing) and her mother’s depression and unprocessed grief after giving up two children for adoption.
She recounts never experiencing maternal bonding:
"I know now that my mom never bonded with me because she was so guilty and ashamed of giving up those other children." [08:15]
Her role: The reliable, high-achieving, parentified child, responsible for her own needs and emotionally neglected.

4. Parental Alcoholism and “Dry Drunk” Behavior

[11:05] Carole:

Her mother claimed her father quit drinking before Carole was born, but evidence from her baby book (“favorite food: beer”) contradicted this.
Carole only saw her father return to drinking—alongside abusive behavior—decades later. She became the target of his rage and emotional abuse via text and email.

5. Parental Relationship and Divorce

[13:31] Carole:

Parents’ relationship lacked affection or kindness—she “never saw any kindness or compassion or lovingness between them.”
Her father’s inappropriate sexual behavior toward her mother, witnessed by the children, deeply affected Carole’s views on gender, boundaries, and powerlessness:
"I grew up with the idea that, well, women just our bodies are for men to do things, and there isn't anything or anyone you can go to about anything that happens." [16:40]

6. Family Splintering and Early Adulthood

[17:24] Carole:

Parents divorced when Carole was 16; she lived with her father, her sister with their mother.
Her father wanted Carole to assume the role of “replacement wife,” and she was ultimately discarded for the next stepmother, who was abusive.
Carole attempted foster care, ended up living with various adults, and married at 19 for safety and stability, only to realize, “This is why you don’t get married at 19.” [19:10]

7. Cycles of Dysfunction in Relationships

[20:00] Carole:

Carole’s second husband, 14 years her senior, exhibited strong narcissistic and antisocial tendencies, perpetuating cycles of emotional abuse.
She recognized parallels between his manipulative behavior and her father’s.
Despite intentions to do better for her son, Carole struggled with guilt over exposing him to abuse:
"As much as my intentions, I didn't want to fuck up my child… I ended up picking a father for him that was, I feel like, is worse than what I went through." [24:23]

8. Repair and Accountability in Parenting

[24:41] Carole:

Recent, open conversations with her adult son to validate his experience and apologize for past shortcomings.
She acknowledged not always validating his pain when he sought answers as a child, striving to do so now.
Her son now has no contact with his father (supported by a reunification counselor’s recommendation).

9. Healing Journey: Hits, Misses, and Recent Progress

[27:50] Carole:

Extensive academic training (clinical health psychology, hypnotherapy) as a way to “heal everyone else” and herself.
Multiple failed therapeutic relationships—transference, countertransference, and even trauma from supposed healing modalities like EMDR.
Emotional rock bottom hit after compounding losses: her business, home, beloved pets—leading to shutdown and suicidal thoughts:
"The part of me that shuts down doesn't even want to be here… I just want to go hide and crawl in a well and not be in this world anymore." [31:05]

10. Finding Stability and the Right Support

[32:15] Carole:

Stability finally found through a supportive friend providing safe housing and the work with trauma coach Jesse Deal (Internal Family Systems).
Slow, incremental healing work—acknowledging the luxury of time, safety, and basic stability as prerequisites.

11. Setting Boundaries and Family Estrangement

[36:41] Carole:

Carole discusses cycles of no and low contact with family, “black sheep” status, and the paradoxical longing for acceptance.
Boundaries are continually tested; describing her father now as sad and diminished, while realizing new depths of emotional abuse from her mother.
Leaving family group chats and blocking her mother was experienced as freeing, not shameful.

12. Reclaiming Self: Strengths and Future Hopes

[40:18] Carole:
Three things Carole likes about herself:

Exceptional spatial ability (“my favorite evening would be to get me a piece of IKEA furniture that takes me all night to build it”)
Lifelong curiosity
“I can make friends in an empty room” (“froomer”)

Her dreams:

Rebuild her coaching business, integrating nutrition, trauma work, and empowerment for women.
Help women heal food relationships, toxic diet culture, and address emotional root causes of addiction.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On childhood awareness:
“I always had a sense that like, I'd been up by my family and extended family, and I don't know where that. But just a sense of, like, this is wrong.” – Carole [05:37]
On parental mind games:
“My experience of growing up in the household was, be good, be quiet, be small, have no needs, have no emotions, be a good girl. And I was smart and got straight A’s and took care of my own needs because there was nobody.” – Carole [09:44]
On relationship cycles:
“Watching my dad torture my mom and laugh about it, my second husband had that same tendency… it brought him so much joy to see me struggling and unhappy.” – Carole [21:55]
On accountability in parenting:
“I think I went too far into not acknowledging the pain my son was experiencing… I apologize for not doing that at the time.” – Carole [25:13]
On therapeutic harm:
“Even had, like, trauma with emdr… a former supervisor… traumatized me through emdr… That's horrible. So that I feel like the universe has given me more crap to deal with.” – Carole [31:40]
On boundaries:
“It's always these mixed feelings of like, these people are so abusive to me, but you still want to be accepted by them.” – Carole [36:53]

Timestamps for Important Segments

[02:03] Introduction: Carole’s “mullet” career
[04:20] Awareness of familial dysfunction and its impact
[07:34] Generational trauma and family of origin story
[11:05] Father’s alcoholism and abusive cycles
[13:31] Parents’ toxic dynamic, divorce, and inappropriate behavior
[17:24] Living arrangements post-divorce, early marriages, and trauma repetition
[20:00] Narcissistic spouse, recognizing abuse patterns
[24:41] Parenting, guilt, and conversations with her son
[27:50] The healing journey and pitfalls with therapy
[31:05] Emotional rock bottom—losses and trauma compounding
[32:15] Discovering real support: housing and right-fit coach
[36:41] Family boundaries and estrangement
[40:18] Positive self-traits and future vision

Tone & Language

Carole is open, self-aware, and darkly funny at times, even amid harrowing subject matter. The conversation fluctuates between heavy truths and moments of levity, in keeping with the podcast’s raw, relatable style.

Final Thoughts

This episode offers deeply honest testimony about the enduring scars of childhood trauma, the complexity of healing, and the importance—and challenge—of forging new paths. Carole’s story is a reminder of the slow, nonlinear nature of recovery, and the necessity of truth-telling. Listeners seeking solidarity, hope, and practical wisdom will find much to value in her journey.

For more resources on recovery, codependency, or Adult Child Syndrome, follow Andrea on Instagram here and TikTok here.

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Transcript

A (0:00)

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B (1:11)

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B (1:27)

Right?

A (1:28)

That's what I said. You can spend time trying to pronounce financing or. Or you can actually finance and buy your car today. On car financing subject to credit approval, additional terms and conditions may apply. All right, folks, welcome back to Shit Show. Saturday we have Shit Show Carol. Not to put you on the spot or anything, Carol, but still stand up comedian.

B (2:01)

Well, that's. That's better.

A (2:02)

Make this funny.

B (2:03)

I kind of have a. I have a mullet. You got a bit. You got a bit line. I have a mullet career because like my forward facing day job is a nutrition coach and then my nighttime party in the back career is stand up comedy.

A (2:19)

B (7:34)

Yeah, so I've done a lot of my family genealogy, but also just knowing, you know, family lore and stories were told, is that there's just a tremendous amount of generational trauma that both my parents are carrying. And while I do believe that they, quote, unquote, did the best they could or tried, I don't think that they did any better than where they came from, unfortunately. So my dad was a police officer and depressed and worked nights, and so he slept during the day. And he had a extremely ragey anger inside of him. So the story we would been told is that he had been beaten repeatedly by his own dad. And so we were lucky because he wasn't beating us. But the rage was always there. And so it's just always walking on eggshells. I mean, for one, you had to be really quiet in the house because he was sleeping. But also, you never knew what it was that was gonna piss him off. And the rage that was in him was terrifying because it always felt like, oh, this is it. This is a time he cracks and I'm gonna get the shit beat out of me. But he never did. And so they say, psychologists say that that can be worse than actually being beat, but I don't know how they can tell. And. But he also was kind of the pair I was closer to, and he liked to take us on little. Or take me on little adventures and things like that. So he was this mixed bag of, like the one parent that was a little more reliable but also terrifying because of his anger. And my. My mother, her. Her career was full time depression. And she. Yeah, the trauma. I don't know whose trauma is worse, but my mother had had two children before me that she gave up for adoption when she was a teenage. So that was the story we were hearing all of the time, was just how depressed she was and how much she was trying to find those children. And I've had a birth regression experience where I was at the moment of my birth, and I felt my father's utter disappointment that I was a girl and not a boy. And then my mother's guilt and shame over the giving up the other children and feeling how she just didn't deserve me. And so I know now that my mom never bonded with me. I didn't know. You only have one life experience. You don't know how it compares to anything else that could have happened. And so I know now that my mother just never bonded with me because she was so guilty and ashamed of Giving up those other children. And so. And I think also that she was jealous of my relationship with my father because he was a terrible husband like he was. He was terrible to her. And so when my sister came along three and a half years later, my mother chose her to be her little. And they've. They've told me, both of my parents have told me, yes, we favored her because we just knew she wasn't as capable as you. You know, she needed more help. So my experience of growing up in the household was, be good, be quiet, be small, have no needs, have no emotions, be a good girl. And I was smart and got straight A's and took care of my own needs because there was nobody, you know, my mom would sleep so much that she wouldn't get up in the morning and make us breakfast. And so very parentified and take care of myself. And. And then my experience then was that both my parents loved my sister more, favored her more, and did more for her consistently. So I was just completely alone. And if I spoke up with any need, it was just, you know, Carol, stop trying to make us feel guilty. We're broke and we can't afford it. Stop asking for things. And so, yeah, and then you said.

B (13:31)

I don't even know how to categorize it, but, like, bad in a nutshell bad. Yeah, it's interesting because, you know, date night wasn't a thing like I'm Gen X, but like, I don't know of anybody that was like date night. But I never saw any kindness or compassion or lovingness between them. I never saw like a hug or a kiss or anything that wasn't abuse really. What was really interesting though is that they had a really strong psychic connection in that, like, they would tell stories about how they would try to play the game Battleship with each other and they would know where the other one's ships were. And so then they would have to like, imagine their ships were in different spots and then that's how they could beat the other person. So they, they had a really strong mental connection. But yeah, just the relationship was just not good. And my, my dad has a pattern of rescuing women. And so he was. My mom was childhood best friends with one of my dad's sisters. So they grew up together. And so he watched us because she'd given up two children for adoption before I was born. And he'd watched that happen. And so when she was pregnant with the last my sister that's one year older than me, when she was pregnant with her, my dad came up and said, if you get rid of that baby, I'll marry you. And it's an interesting trauma point for my mom because the story I had been told all growing up was that her parents forced her to give up her children for adoption. And so that was the story she told herself and she told everyone. And then it was after we found that sister that's one year older than me that my dad came forward and said, I'm so sorry what I did. And my mom's like, what are you talking about? And so he was the one that said, well, I told you, if you give up the baby, I'll marry you. So she had to face the fact that she'd made that choice to have a husband versus keep her baby. And so my dad rescued her. He saved her. But I never saw, you know, any loving anything between the two of them. And in fact, I saw him just abusing her. And he had this thing he would do that. It's just. I can't understand it just felt disgust when I would watch it. But he would, in front of his daughters when we were young, throughout our whole life, I remember even his teens seeing this, where he would just grab her crotch or boobs with her clothes on in front of us and just laugh. And she would like, get really upset and tell him to stop doing that. And he would laugh, he'd think it was funny. And, you know, it's along the lines of child sexual abuse. He wasn't touching us, but it was still like completely inappropriate stuff to be doing in front of your children and, and to laugh about it. And like, so I saw him inflicting that emotional torture on her all the time and thinking it was a fun thing to do. And so that message for me was, you know, men do things to women, and women are powerless to do anything. You know, she. Despite protesting and screaming and crying about it, she couldn't stop it. And so I grew up with the idea that, well, women just our bodies are for men to do things, and there isn't anything or anyone you can go to about anything that happens. And I told you I was going to do a little family disclaimer, and I forgot to do that. But like family, if you're, if you're listening to this, this isn't about you. This isn't for you. The reason I finally want to feel empowered enough to speak my truth and stop hiding under a bush, to make everybody else happy and not rock the boat and not disturb anybody and not. Not make people feel bad is that. This is. This is my truth. This is my lived experience, and this is my healing journey. So if you don't like this, it makes you feel uncomfortable. Turn the channel, like, scroll on. Yeah.

B (17:39)

Yeah. Yeah. I went to live with my dad. My sister went to live with my mom. And my mom, you know, abandonment is her biggest wound, and so had a mental breakdown. Just checked out, dissociated completely, and just started doing drugs and compulsive sex. But to this day, she'll be like, I didn't do any drugs. Okay, whatever. So. So it was okay for the first little bit, living with my dad, but he basically wanted me to be his replacement wife. And here's the shopping. Here's some money. You take care of dinner and shopping and all that kind of stuff. But as soon as he was on the hunt for his next wife, and, you know, at that point, he'd already been married twice, so he was married once before my mom, and he was hunting for his next. His next wife. And so I just got discarded as soon as he found his next wife. And, in fact, she was actually very, completely horrible to me. So I had no. I. I had nobody. And I even tried my senior year, high school to go into foster care because the abuse of my stepmother, that my dad just looked the other way. I don't even remember what happened. Like, it must have been bad, but I don't remember specifically what was going on, just that it was like I was desperately trying to find someplace to live so I could finish high school. And I was old for my class, so I was already 18. So they told me I didn't qualify. And so I ended up. I tried living with one of my teachers for a little while, and she said, well, the school district says we can't do this, so you have to find someplace else to go. I Ended up living with one of his ex girlfriends because she was so in love with him that she was hoping if she took care of me that would be a way that he would come back to her, you know, bless her heart and. But it just wasn't working. So I ended up going back with a boyfriend that I'd had kind of through high school. I needed someplace to land, I needed some safety, I needed housing, I needed something. And the small town that I grew up in in Oregon, life goals were get married, get five acres and a double wide mobile home and like your life is done, you know. And so got married at 19 to him and we should never have gotten married, but it was like I didn't know what else to do. Just lots of fighting. He wasn't horrible, but he also was very controlling, very insecure and, and so married for two years to him. And the final straw was, you know, we're just fighting all the time. He didn't, I was going to college and he didn't see the point of that. Like we lived in a town of 2,000 people in Oregon and he says, why are you going to college? Why don't you just work at the grocery store here in town the rest of your life? And it's like a movie scene where the reverberates the rest of your life. The rest of your life. The rest of your life. And I was like, oh my God, I want to go and see the whole world and experience stuff. And he wants to stay in this town the rest of his life. And I just had this wake up call of like, oh my God, this is why you don't get married at 19. It was don't get married as a replacement for not having any safety at home. So yeah, the final straw was him telling me that, well, you need me. You can't do anything on your own there. You could never make it without me. And I was like, oh yeah, watch me. So divorced by 21. I felt like I lived a whole life long time I was single, but two years later I was married to my second husband, which was a whole other level of, of shit show. So he was 14 years older than me and had two children already. And I remember distinctly, so I was like 23. And I remember distinctly the fantasy, I believe the lies that he told me about how their, the children's mother was horrible and that I built this fantasy life in my mind that like he and I were going to get together and we're going to have this perfect marriage and I was going to Parent those children. We were going to have the perfect household. And this was my trauma response, brain building this, like, here's. Here's how I can heal and show I'm whole and healthy. And a year later had my son, and I was like, okay, we're gonna do this. I hope I don't fuck him up too bad. But the whole situation with those boys and the healing work that I've done, I've. I've come to realize that my second husband was. Had a lot of problems I thought was like, oh, he had a quirky personality. But I've come to realize that he actually had very strong narcissistic tendencies and also antisocial personality tendencies, too. So. And now that. Oh, Andrea, now that I'm telling this the story to you, I'm realizing, so that, like, watching my dad torture my mom and laugh about it, my second husband had that same tendency. Now, he wasn't grabbing me physically, but verbally and emotionally torturing me and then laughing about it when I would get upset. And he was just like, it brought him so much joy to see me struggling and unhappy, and it was just so weird. Like, why are you acting like that? And it was seven years of absolute shit show. Like, it was so horrible and bad. And I remember it's just that you have an episode of Dateline or 2020 or a Netflix docu series about all the shit that happened. It was really bad. But I was so dead set on, like, but I'm never going to put my son through a divorce. I'm going to do whatever it takes to not put him through a divorce. And they just got to a point where things were bad and he didn't. He didn't want to be controlled, and he wouldn't, you know, I'm not going to go to therapy, because that's what you want to do. You want to do that. So I'm not doing that. I'm like, okay, well, you figure it out. Then. What are we going to do? Because I don't want to get divorced. And so it was a couple weeks later, he just was like, I want a divorce. So then I was like, all right, peace out. I've learned my own ability to turn off feelings like a light switch, like, okay, don't feel anything. Just move on with my life. And in the first couple of years, he was a really good dad to my son. But then he got his next girlfriend. He started getting really deep into, like, Christian church activities and just then abandoned not only my son, but then his older sons as well and just went off the deep end and was gone for like 10 years. Came back when my son was about 16 and was like, hey, I want to pick him up this weekend, like nothing had happened. And then it's. I don't know how much you want to go into that, but it's a. That's a long story of the. The emotional abuse that he put my son through. Then after that, and as much as my intentions, I didn't want to fuck up my child. I didn't know if I had the skills to do it. I ended up picking a father for him that was, I feel like, is worse than what I went through. And as a mother, you know, logically, I know it's not my fault what his dad did, but I still carry that guilt of, like, the things I haven't done perfectly, the things that I've done that worked weren't great, were bad, whatever label I want to put on him. But then also all the stuff that he went through with his. With his dad, I just carry a tremendous amount of guilt and shame about how that all worked out for him. And I want to be the cycle breaker and didn't succeed.

B (27:50)

Yeah, this is all stuff that I knew I needed to work on and do the work and heal and. But didn't fully know what that all entailed. Right. And so my own abandonment and attachment wounds are so severe that. So I actually, I. Oh, your. Your interview with Dr. Ingram Clayton that you shared recently, her talking about how she, like, tried to get all the degrees and everything to, like, that was going to fix everything. And so I kind of went that same route, right? So I want to heal everyone else. And I have, you know, master's degree in nutrition and clinical health psychology, and I'm a clinical hypnotherapist, Right. So I'm going to heal everyone, and in the process, I'll just be healed, too. And so I knew that it was stuff that, like, I needed to do some work on, but things were functioning pretty well, and the masks were really strong that I could wear. And also then trying. Trying to work with therapists myself, I always had. I would always bring up transference and countertransference in the therapist, and they would end up rejecting me. And often I've had experiences where they've traumatized me, where they've, like, I share something really vulnerable. And then later on they go, oh, yeah. And so it's been really difficult to know. I need that close regulation, the co. Regulation of another person. But then not having that in my own family. And even now, like all my siblings, you know, carol, be quiet. Don't rock the boat. The scapegoat. You're the one with the problem. You need therapy. Dad's amazing. So anytime I'd ever, ever try to speak my truth, it was like, that's not true. Dad's not like that. Like, you all copied on the emails that he sent about this. If you witnessed this, you choose not to acknowledge this. So I was forced to just really start to dive into this. I think that I identified the cascade of things. Really started kind of like in 2018, 2019, I actually was having. I had a really successful keto coaching business. My life was. I was on top of the world. Everything was going really. Weight. Wait, wait, what word am I trying to say there? Well and great is weight. Yeah, well and. Well and great is weight.

B (30:01)

But also, I was working with people with their weight. And just one little thing after another. You know, I had to move and then had a boyfriend that I dated for a little while. That was like the most lying codependent I'd ever experienced. And the pandemic hit. And then I moved to Arizona. But then my mom almost died during triple bypass open heart surgery. And then I lost my housing, I lost my car, I lost all of my belongings. My business went in the toilet. Because I've learned, I have a part of me that when stress is too great, I just completely shut down. And this was like a mountain level of stress after stress after stress after loss. This was kind of my Emotional rock bottom was just all of this loss and my body couldn't. Didn't know how to process or handle any of it. And then not having any stable, like, really intimate support system to go to. Yeah. And then my cats of 19 years, one died one year and the other died the next year. And so I have no. No housing. I'm. I'm bouncing around Airbnb and trying to struggle enough to scrape enough money together. And I don't have a car and I don't. My cat died. I don't even have any of my belongings anymore. And. And it just. It's like a crash. And the part of me that shuts down doesn't even want to be here. There's no motivation to even do anything. I just want to go hide and crawl on a well and not be in this world anymore. And. But it's like there's still part of me that, like, okay, that now's the time that you need to figure this out. Like, I know this is all a trauma response. I know that me shutting down after all these. So I've even had, like, trauma with emdr, Right? Like, so they're, you know, EMDR and all these different great therapies are supposed to be what you turn towards. But I had a former supervisor that was part of my psychology degree training that traumatized me through emdr. He did a session with me when I was like, oh, I don't want to do this. And he just forced it on me. That's horrible. Right? Like, that's horrible. So that I feel like the universe has given me more crap to deal with. Right? Because it's like, that's supposed to be like the gold standard of how you heal from trauma. And I've had a traumatic experience around a therapy and because it's all about.

B (32:21)

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then I'm, you know, crying and bawling at the end of it, and I was like, you told me it wasn't going to be like this. So it's just that non consensual. More abuse and betrayal. Right. And so the last therapist I was trying to work with was emdr, but I had shared with her, I said, I said, I have a really hard time trusting. I need to build up a lot of safety with you and feel really safe and comfortable before we can even. Before I can even close my eyes with you. And she just doesn't doesn't connect with me. And I'm going to these sessions going, is this what it's supposed to feel like? Maybe this is the uncomfortableness that I'm supposed to feel. And then a close friend of mine dies the end of last year and he's like a year older than me and he just died of the flu. And then in January, my stepdad dies. And he was somebody a very, I don't know, contentious relationship with, but he was also somebody that he, he was a very violent alcoholic as well. But he quit for. After he almost killed a cat in front of the whole family. So a very contentious relationship with, with him. But the rest of the family all put him on a pedestal. He's amazing, he's wonderful. And so again, I'm the one that's like, carol, what's your problem? Why do you see people for who they are? Why can't you look through these rose colored glasses? So I went to go stay with my mother and I, I, I was the only one, you know, I'm not working, I'll go stay with you, I'll take care of you. Which surprised me because I wasn't close to her. I thought, I'm not the one who's codependent, I'm not the one that's going to go take care of her. But I immediately knee jerk reaction was to go stay with her. And one day I'm expressing like I have some needs and I need a little privacy once in a while. Just need a little space and time to myself. And that, that triggered her abandonment wounds. And she lashed out at me and told me she's never liked me. And that was probably the worst thing that I could have heard from my mother because that was my core feeling my whole life anyways, was that my own mother didn't like me. And then try to share. Wow, that really hurts. Well, yeah, well, you've done way more hurtful things to me. So she's just incapable of facing any hurt that she's done with anyone. So that was like, where's the bottom of this? Where's the bottom of this bottom that I should be hitting? And so Andrea, finally, I think I've got all my ducks in a row. I have an amazing friend that's allowed me to stay with her. And this is probably the most stable environment I've experienced. I've been here an extended period of time and she's not in any hurry for me to leave, which is like the first time in my life that I've Experienced that. And. And then I found Jesse Deal. He's a trauma coach. He works with ifs, which is internal family systems. And that really, really resonates with me. And I've been doing my own work with that the last six months. And so he and I started working together and it's like, finally, oh, I don't want to cry here. But finally, finally I feel like I've got that safe person that can be there for me and that, like, already we're doing work that I know I feel safe with him. Yeah. And you. You know how amazing he is that he's. There's. He's doing. He's doing his calling and work in life right now, doing this work. And so. Yeah, so I'm so happy. Yeah. So I'm working with him one on one. I've got the shit show support and. And it's slow. It's slow work. It's slow as. And I thought, like, nope, I need to hurry up and get my life back together and get everything figured out. But it's like, no, it's going to take time. And I'm so grateful that I have this space, this housing, because it's so hard to do any work, any healing when you don't even have your basic necessities covered, like food and housing. Right. And so I'm just eternally grateful for her that she's allowing me this time and space. And I've got the. I've got the things in process now that. That I'm. I'm examining those hurt little parts of me and those wounds and healing and learn how to regulate my emotions and actually have feelings instead of just completely disconnecting from them. And it's. It's in. It's intense. And I'm finally addressing the stuff that I knew I needed to my entire life, and I was forced to because I just basically lost everything. And even more than I can imagine any person could lose.

B (36:41)

Yeah, it's. I've had various experiences of times of like, you know, going no contact or low contact with my family. And I've always kind of been like the black sheep, the lone person anyways. And so it's always these mixed feelings of, like, these people are so abusive to me, but you still want to be accepted by them. Like, you still, there's always that, you know, drive of being included in your, your own family tribe. And so part of it's like, it's my natural instinct to be like, nope, I don't care about you guys, you know, And I find that the universe always tests you when you set those, those boundaries and stuff. And so for a lot of years I was no contact with my dad and then I gave him kind of a short lease. So he's, he's got dementia that's been coming in the last five, seven years. And so he softened a lot. And it's weird because my feelings about him now are just like he's just kind of this sad, pathetic old man. And so I know I've got a lot of hurt and betrayal there still with him, but like I'm able to, you know, email or text him and even I saw him a year ago and we were, I gave him a spot on a stand up comedy show that I was doing near, near his hometown. And that was actually kind of healing for both of us that because I was the one that was in control of the situation and stand up comedy has kind of always been our family's love language of like, you know, jokes and guilt trips were the only two things we had. And so I kind of had this experience of like he should when he's got diabetes, he's got neuropathy really bad and so he's in a lot of pain and he's not drinking and he's never going to apologize for any of the stuff he did or own any of that. But it was like, that was so make. My relationship with him is like pretty low contact. I don't really see him much, but like it's much, it's much better. Whereas my mom is the one. Now that I'm realizing I just thought I wasn't close to my mom most of my life, but I'm realizing now like how abusive she's been and the, the emotional abuse that she does to me. And so I've done more, very low contact with her, just more recently too. And you know, the way that the universe tries to test you on that is like she tried calling me yesterday and. Oh, just trying to see how you're doing. Just trying to check in, you know, and because I blocked her on all social media because she tends to just like spy on everything I do and. Yeah, and it actually like, so there's a family group chat that was her and my, and her two, two other daughters. And I just realized how upsetting it was seeing the messages in there and how they fawn for her and how she's the child that needs constant validation, like sharing little simple things that she's looking for. Good job. I'm so proud of you. And I just so bothers me what a little child she is and how she's still parentifying her daughters and how they fawn over her, fawn to her. What's the term? I don't know. And I realized how upsetting it was to see those messages even though I'm not engaging in them. So I just finally decided the way that I minimize that, you know, upset for me is to not be in that group and to not see it and to disconnect from them. And I felt like it was going to be a lot of backlash and I was going to get the, you know, how could you do that? How could you hurt her like that? From the siblings? And. And it actually just feels freeing. Like, I feel lighter, but I still feel her energy. She tries to intrude with the woo woo. But like, she tries to intrude energetically into me and I have to work a lot on, like, blocking that out of like, this is my body. Stay. Stay out of my space. And don't. Don't be here. So that's part of my life. Yeah. Don't be here.