Adult Child Podcast

SHITSHOW SATURDAY #172 - The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Host: Andrea
Air Date: October 4, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the hidden, painful beliefs we adopt while growing up in dysfunctional families, exploring how these “lies” once helped us survive but often continue to shape our lives long after childhood. Andrea and her guests—members of the Adult Child community—honestly share stories about their core wounds, personal healing journeys, and the continual effort to break cycles of codependency, toxic shame, addiction, and trauma. The conversation is raw, supportive, and hopeful, emphasizing both the persistence of old internal narratives and the freedom that comes from naming and challenging them.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to the “Lies” We Tell Ourselves

[02:44]

• The episode opens by contextualizing these internalized beliefs:
  • “We all carry private stories about who we are. Not because they’re true, but because at some point they kept us safe.”
  • Many of these narratives ("I'm too sensitive," "I'll never get it right," "I'm the problem") originate from dysfunctional family dynamics, explicit criticisms, or unspoken cues.
• These scripts continue to influence adult life: self-talk, relationship patterns, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and more.
• The hosts reflect on the protective nature of these lies—covering shame, maintaining survival, and creating order in chaos.

“Each lie is a nervous system’s way of creating order out of chaos, giving us a sense of control in situations where we had none." (Host/Announcer, 05:20)

2. Personal Reflections on Breaking Free from Lies

Andrea (Host)

[06:50]

• Shares the core lie: “Once you get to know me, you won’t like me.”
• This manifested as masking her personality, hypervigilance, or pushing others away.
• Now, she finds relief not struggling with this lie, especially after the end of relationships:

  “I've been able to know that it's not about me.” (Andrea, 08:15)

• New challenges: struggles with fear of always struggling, internalized beliefs about being undeserving of a “normal” life due to her atypical, trauma-filled youth.
• Recognizes the ongoing nature of these issues, and normalizes having off days and not being productive:

  "It's okay when we have those days where you don't get shit done... I'll start fresh tomorrow." (Andrea, 09:40)

Community Shares

Andrea (Guest) [10:17]

• Grew up believing she wouldn’t make it to 40 due to reckless behavior and family chaos.
• Avoided planning or making goals, living reactively instead.
• Healing has meant envisioning a future and practicing self-love:

  “This program and this group here has given me that path forward...and actually having a little bit of self love...” (Andrea, 11:00)

Courtney [12:19 & 31:37]

• Her core belief: “I’m stupid”—reinforced by family remarks and sibling rivalry.
• Later realizes that her brother’s resentment may mask admiration or jealousy.
• Discusses the persistent feeling that “there’s something wrong with me,” but acknowledges the supportive role of the group:

  “People have taken to me. They like me. They’re the ones who see me, and I don’t.” (Courtney, 32:00)

• Notes the lack of love and attention growing up, but sees hope: “Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle.”

Deborah [14:00]

• Grew up in an environment of lies and manipulations, especially with a narcissistic parent who pitted siblings against each other.
• Internalized the label of being a “bad sister,” but debunked this after going no-contact with her family:

  "I am not a bad sister. Yes, I have toxic traits, and I am working on them, but I'm not this evil two-faced person." (Deborah, 16:30)

• Her biggest triumph: proving she can live—and thrive—without her mother’s support or approval.

Emily [21:10]

• Struggled with the lie: “I’m better off alone,” rooted in a lack of emotional safety from an abusive, alcoholic mother who blamed her for her problems.
• Recalls her mother outright saying she didn’t want more than one daughter and she and her sister were “the reason she was unhappy.”
• Long journey to recognize closeness and accept love:

  “It took me probably eight or nine years after her death to stop hearing her voice in my head... Now I only hear her voice when I’m significantly triggered, and I think that is miraculous.” (Emily, 23:40)

• Now understands it’s a lack of familiarity with intimacy, not fear of it.

Faith [24:21]

• Both parents were alcoholics; “love” equaled ridicule and meanness.
• Has struggled with breaking the cycle of being told she’s fundamentally flawed like her biological father.
• Now marks her one-year sobriety anniversary:

  “I get to celebrate my year sobriety tomorrow. God damn. I passed my license. I'm sober. Like, who would have thought I could do this?” (Faith, 25:40)

• Community has been key to this achievement.

Grace [27:19]

• Once believed she needed her parents’ presence and approval, felt guilt and dependency.
• Broke free after her stepfather’s hurtful comments and after seeing how much better her life was when estranged.
• Reminds herself: “the things my parents say about me aren’t true,” still learning to validate her own experience.

Hannah [35:11]

• Praises the spirit of mutual support in sobriety and the power of sharing openly.
• Shares the challenge of “outsider” feelings as a sober person in small social settings:

  “Why can’t I just have a few drinks?... I know why. I'm a raging alcoholic. I can't do that—sometimes it’s really annoying.” (Hannah, 36:50)

• Advocates for emotional honesty and not needing perfection—progress over perfection:

  “We heal these traumas in healthy relationships. And I get to experience that today.” (Hannah, 39:45)

Notable Quotes & Powerful Moments

• "The same event that feels like proof of 'I’m unlovable' may actually be evidence of your capacity to risk love in the first place." (Host/Announcer, 06:04)
• Andrea (Host): "I felt safe at home when I was struggling. Like, when the attention and the focus was on me and when I was the problem, I felt a lot safer in the home." (07:45)
• Deborah: "If all these people are telling me this, it's gotta be true. But I see now that that's not true... realizing I debunked that lie—that I can live without her, I can function without her, and I'm actually better without her—is I think the greatest gift in all of this." (16:30)
• Faith: "My dad’s favorite line would be if I didn’t pick on you, you wouldn’t know that I love you. And I was like, oh, wonderful. Like, that feels great..." (24:30)
• Hannah: "We heal these traumas in relationship, in healthy relationships. And I’m getting to experience that today. And I do deserve it." (39:40)
• Courtney: “Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle.” (33:00)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• [02:44] – Framing of “the lies we tell ourselves”
• [06:50] – Andrea shares her breakthrough and current struggles
• [10:17] – Andrea (guest) discusses belief she wouldn’t live past 40
• [12:19, 31:37] – Courtney unpacks “I’m stupid”/“There’s something wrong with me”
• [14:00] – Deborah recounts family scapegoating and going no-contact
• [21:10] – Emily: “I’m better off alone” and healing journey
• [24:21] – Faith: breaking cycles and celebrating a sobriety milestone
• [27:19] – Grace: separation from toxic parents brings healing
• [35:11] – Hannah: progress, setbacks, and the value of community

Takeaways and Community Support

• These deep-seated lies originate in survival needs but become obstacles to authenticity and connection.
• Healing requires not erasing the past, but relating to it differently: recognizing patterns, self-compassion, and being open to new narratives.
• Community and honesty are crucial: sharing stories lessens shame, normalizes struggle, and opens doors to growth.
• The journey is ongoing, with “ebb and flow,” off-days, and imperfect progress.
• Final encouragement: “Keep showing up for yourself because it fucking works. If you work it. So work, because you’re fucking worth it.” (Hannah, 39:58)

Tone & Atmosphere

Throughout, the conversation is candid, affirming, and laced with dark humor and empathy. Members validate each other’s pain and progress, emphasizing mutual growth, gentle accountability, and hope for all “adult children” seeking to write new stories for themselves.