Loading summary
Transcript26 lines
- [00:00]
Andrea
You know that feeling when your day finally slows down and you just want to relax, unplug and feel good? That's where mood.com comes in. They're changing the game. Delivering legal THC products right to your door. No shady dealers and absolutely no medical card required. Just good vibes and better sleep shipped straight from their farm to your couch. From delicious THC gummies, smooth vape pens to premium THC flower, Mood has it all. And everything's federally legal under the 2018 farm bill. Yeah, this isn't some loophole. It's the real deal. Head to mood.com and use code F I R S T20 for 20% off your first order. That's M O O D dot com. Find you'd Mood.
- [01:00]
Host/Announcer
Hey, Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.
- [01:01]
Courtney
Now I don't know if you've heard.
- [01:03]
Andrea
But Mint's Premium Wireless is $15 a month.
- [01:06]
Courtney
But I'd like to offer one other perk.
- [01:09]
Andrea
We have no stores. That means no small talk, crazy weather we're having.
- [01:16]
Host/Announcer
No, it's not. It's just weather.
- [01:17]
Andrea
It is an introvert's dream.
- [01:20]
Host/Announcer
Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan. $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.
- [01:29]
Courtney
Seemindmobile.com Imagine if today was the day your idea changed someone's life. Imagine if you could help someone pay for college, help your community build a new playground or help a child make it to that dream. Competition with GoFundMe. It's all possible. GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 190 million people every week. Ordinary people meet their goals and do extraordinary things. Your ideas matter. GoFundMe isn't just for emergencies. Want to raise money for your kid's soccer team? Or raise funds for a small business? A creative project or event? GoFundMe helps you turn ideas into reality and help adds up. Fundraisers you start for someone else raise up to five times more. So think right now. Who could use your help. Change rarely comes from waiting. It comes from someone deciding, today I'll start. Don't wait for someone else to bring change today. Start your fundraiser in just minutes@gofundme.com that's gofundme.com to start your fundraiser. Gofundme.com this is a commercial message brought to you by GoFundMe.
- [02:45]
Host/Announcer
The lies we tell ourselves about ourselves we all carry private stories about who we are. Not because they're true, but because at some point they kept us safe. They're the quiet scripts running in the background, shaping the way we see ourselves long before we even notice that they're there. These aren't random thoughts. They're survival narratives that end up writing for more of our lives than we realize. How we internalize them. The lies we carry about ourself often begin before we even have words for them. Sometimes they're spoken outright. You're too sensitive, you'll never get it right. But just as often, they're absorbed through subtler channels. The size, the eye rolls, the silence when we reach for comfort. They're shaped by the roles we were cast into. The scapegoat who learns I'm the problem, the golden child who learns my worth is in performance. They're carved by inconsistency where love and safety were unpredictable, leaving us to conclude, if I were different, maybe they'd stay even. What was missing? The hug that never came, the question never asked can deliver a message as loud as any insult. How they SHOW up in our lives these early messages don't stay confined to childhood. They follow us like ghosts, shaping how we move through the world. They echo in our self talk, in the jobs we take in, the way our shoulders hunch or our voice falters when we speak. They script our relationships. We chase partners who confirm our unworthiness. We fawn and over give to avoid being a burden. We censor joy or anger because too much still feels dangerous. They sneak into work as perfectionism, imposter syndrome or workaholism. They're not just thoughts in our heads. They become postures, patterns and entire relational templates. How they PROTECT US as painful as these lies are, they began as brilliant forms of protection. Believing I'm stupid might have been safer than asking questions and risking humiliation. Believing I'm unlovable spared us from facing the unbearable grief that our caregivers couldn't give us what we needed. I'm too much was a shield against attack. I'm fine. A cloak of invisibility in a volatile home. Each lie is a nervous system's way of creating order out of chaos, giving us a sense of control in situations where we had none. They may sabotage us now, but at the time, they were the stories that kept us alive. Confronting the lies Facing these old beliefs isn't about wiping the slate clean. It's about shifting the relationship we have with them. Some will fall away completely once we see them for what they are. Others may never fully disappear, but instead soften into background noise, no longer running the show. And sometimes life throws us a curveball. A breakup, a rejection, a failed project, and the old story roars back as if it's been confirmed. In those moments, it's crucial to remember the pain is real, but it doesn't mean the lie is true. The same event that feels like proof of I'm unlovable may actually be evidence of your capacity to risk love in the first place. Some questions. What is a lie about yourself that you still struggle with? How does it show up in your life today, and what do you think it's trying to protect you from? What's a lie you've been able to quiet or even release completely? What helped you loosen its grip when you think about the lies you carry, Were they given to you directly in words or absorbed more subtly through tone, silence, or behavior? And are there any significant memories, big or small, that stand out as moments where one of these lies was planted or reinforced? So I think for me, the biggest lie that I've overcome, and I would say it's gone pretty much completely, and that is the lie that once you get to know me, you won't like me. And that haunted me for such a long time and just kind of lived in this. Well, it either showed up as constant hyper vigilance masking my personality, like, trying to tone it down, or trying to twist myself into who I thought I needed to be in order for that person to like me, or by just not even giving you an opportunity to get to know me, just pushing you away completely. And I don't struggle with that anymore. I think my problem more so now is like, am I gonna like anybody? Am I gonna like you? And so that feels really nice to not. To not struggle with that. And I think the biggest growth has been when relationships have dissolved, ended. I've been ghosted that I've been able to know that it's not about me. But I will say that I think that this will always come up for me. Like, when I have anxious attachment, like in early stages of dating, I still do struggle with the. Just out of nowhere, like, for absolutely no reason, that a guy is going to decide that they don't like me anymore. And so that does. That definitely does still show up in. In romantic relationships, some things that I struggle with. And something that came up for me today in my IFS session was I have a belief that, like, I'm meant to struggle, that I'll always struggle. And there's a lot of safety in that, like, I felt safe at home when I was struggling. Like, when the attention and the focus was on me and when I was the problem, I felt a lot safer in the home. And I also realized, too, that it was a way for me to get my mom's love, in a way, because when I was struggling, she always went to bat for me against my dad. And so I think that there's a part of me that feels like it doesn't believe that I'm not capable of not struggling, but that I'll just always default to that in a way. And I think another thing that comes up for me is that I'm just not meant to have what I would consider is, like, a normal life. And I think a lot of that, too, stems from having a very abnormal childhood of, like, getting sent to rehabs and boarding schools and not doing the normal high school things and not having a normal college experience. And there's just a part of me that believes that just things, the life that most people have and the trajectory that most people follow, that'll never happen for me. And I do struggle still with the belief of I'll never have the life that, like, I want. Exactly. But I just want to say, too, that I had, like, a really bad dissociation day. I just got sucked into my phone. And I'm just saying out loud that, like, that's okay. Like, it's okay when we have those days where you don't get shit done. And so I'm not beating myself up for that, but it was just like one of those days where I just got sucked in. And then it's like three hours later, I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? So I didn't get anything done today, and that's okay. And I'm just saying that out loud because in case you had one of those days too, it's okay. So I'll start fresh tomorrow.
- [10:18]
Andrea
Well, I feel like I'm full of faulty beliefs. One of the biggest lies that was ingrained in me as a young age, that I was never going to make it Till I was 40 years old. I never believed I would make it this stage of my life. From the heterick and all the craziness, things that I used to do when I was younger, more of the adrenaline junkie, right? And doing crazy things, of jumping off things and bridges and stupid stuff. I never believed that I was going to make it to this age. So I've just never planned anything. And so there were no goals in my life of what I wanted to do of who I wanted to be or where I wanted to take myself. I always felt like wherever the wind took me. And in the end, I was lying to myself. I was that reactor. I wasn't not an actor. I was not a. I'm not a. I was not a participant. I wasn't steering the ship. And this program and this group here has given me that path forward of seeing a future and seeing that, that I'm worthy of it. I should actually care about myself and actually having a little bit of self love will help. Those lies and those masks and everything else that I've been carrying help ease it a little long ass journey. I tell you what, I've been here over three years and I'm like, wow. It's like Ebden flows, right? Ebden flows. And those lies that I do tell myself, it's not true. It takes a lot, takes a lot of people's stories to convince ourselves that we've been lying to ourselves a lot. And when we lie to ourselves, we lie to our friends and we lie to our family and we lie to everybody else. No more who suffers. We suffer. I suffer. And it's crazy how you don't think you're lying to yourself, but you're actually doing it, you know, always says, just tell the truth, it's a lot easier. Yeah, yeah, it is easy to tell the truth, but lying to yourself, it's so easy to be deceitful to yourself. That's my sharing. Thanks for letting me share.
- [12:19]
Courtney
So my biggest negative core belief, negative false belief. In my family of origin, it was that I'm stupid. Both my parents, my three brothers. There was a lot of that messaging. I was supposed to know how to do things without getting any guidance around how to actually do it. And there was just a lot of remarks made. And then this brother, you know, that I have the biggest issue with, I came to realize this as an adult. Like he just always had a lot of resentment towards me. He's the adopted brother. We're five and a half months apart. My parents had their second child who died at 18 months. Then they start adoption proceedings. Then she's pregnant with me. And I don't know, that's just all kind of mixed up in that as far as I think the dynamics between he and I were very different personalities. But he always had something to prove that he was smarter than me, better than me, knew how to do things, always wanted to show me that, you know, he was superior in some way, though his wife made some Remarks to me, things that he said to her when I was living there, we were taking care of our mother at the end of her life. That made me see that he actually, he does have resentment towards me. I really believe he has a lot of resentment. But he also saw some things in me that he was maybe a little jealous of or admired in me, but couldn't admit to. And that was pretty revelatory when I heard those things because I never really saw that he had any. Thanks for hearing me.
- [14:00]
Deborah
Sorry, I was just taking notes because this is just, I don't know, it's stirring up a lot of things and my chest is just. It's so true about the fact that what you were saying earlier, first, you know, that we. I'm lying to myself and this reading is helping me realize that. And I've been such a truth seeker and honesty and truth have always been so important to me. I don't like liars, I don't like to be lied to. I have a very hard time trusting people. And I strongly believe that that is because of the environment that I grew up in. You know, there was always a behind the scenes plans, manipulation, critiques, comments, stories. No one ever could come directly to me. It was like always kind of like behind, you know, my back. And it was always fun, oh, it's in your best interest. But I've now learned that that is what narcissistic parents do and they especially pit siblings against each other. And that definitely happened with my middle sister and I. And there was always this narrative that I was too much, I was too successful, too this, too that, too intense, too passionate. And I needed to tone it down because it was too much for my sister to handle and she was going through too much and I just needed to deal with whatever it was that I was dealing with or just stay silent because just her having to talk to me about something or me offering help was too much for her. And you know, I was told by my parents, especially my mom, that, oh, you know how she is, she's not going to take this well, I'll just, I'll talk to her about it for you. And now that I've been no contact with them for three years, you know, and I gaslit myself for so long that, you know, if you've got your family, especially your parents, and that can extend into extended family, and then your closest friends, your partners, they tell you the same thing, that, yeah, you are a bad sister, you are this, you are that, you do believe it. And I trust just was like, okay, well, if all these people are telling me this, it's gotta be true. But I see now that that's not true. And that is one of the lies that I think that I now have debunked in my mind and accepted that I, I am not a bad sister. I was not a bad sister. Yes, I have toxic traits and I am working on them, but I'm not this evil two faced person that was always told that I was. I really don't believe that. And my husband agrees now that he seen her for who she is. And the other big lie I think also too is that I never ever believed that I would be without my mom, that I could survive or function. Like, I just couldn't imagine it when all of this happened. I just could not. I told myself, there's no way. And here I am, three years later, financially independent, took a lot of blood, sweat and tears and lots of sleepless nights, but I did it. And I know this is being recorded. So anybody listening? If you are struggling with, with just relationships with your parents or someone in general, you know you can do it. It is hard. It is hard as fuck. And I struggle every day, but my God, the reward is the freedom. And I would not give that up for anything in the world. And just me realizing right now that I debunked that lie, that I can live without her, I can function without her, and I'm actually better without her, is I think the greatest gift in all of this. So thank you for listening.
- [17:52]
Host/Announcer
All right, Shisha, so I have been talking to you about Hormone Harmony by Happy Mammoth, the supplement that helps women maintain optimal hormonal levels. With over 50,000 glowing reviews from women worldwide, with 98% of them saying they would recommend it to somebody else. Now you can take those results even further by pairing it with their probiotic collagen protein, which helps restore gut lining integrity, promoting overall hormonal. It helps to relieve occasional bloating and gas, reduce sugar cravings, it helps you feel satisfied, longer, boost your energy. It helps to relieve occasional gas and bloating, reduce sugar cravings, keeps you feeling satisfied longer, boost your energy and helps you stabilize those damn mood swings. And because your gut directly affects your hormones, improving gut health can amplify your Hormone Harmony results so you can feel like yourself again. And so I struggle with brain fog. I'm sure many of y' all can relate. And since I've been taking the prebiotic collagen protein, I've noticed a big difference there as well as just a lift in my overall energy levels. Happy Mammoth is dedicated to making women's lives easier and that means using only science backed ingredients that have been proven to work for women. They make no compromises when it comes to quality and it shows folks. So right now you can try prebiotic collagen, protein and hormone harmony risk free and get 15% off your entire first order today with code Adult Child at checkout. That is happy mammoth.com use code Adult Child to get 15% off today. All right, shit shows. Did you know that iron deficiency is one of the most common nutritional gaps? It affects one in three adults and especially women. It often shows up as fatigue, brain fog, weakness, brittle nails. But the problem is that most people don't realize that low iron may be the cause of these issues. That's why I'm here to tell you about Sideroll from Pharma Nutra. This is a premium iron supplement powered by patented sucrosomial technology which helps your body absorb three to four times more iron while also avoiding the common side effects of traditional iron supplements like nausea, constipation and all that fun stuff. It is clinically proven to be comparable to IV iron and is formulated with just two ingredients, iron and Vitamin C. It's vegan, allergen free, gluten free, you can take it anytime, anywhere. So if you're that one out of three with an iron deficiency, head to pharmanutra-us.com and use code Adult Child for 10% off off your first order I.e. p H A R M A N U T R a-us.com promo code adult child for 10% off today. Look, if you're still buying weed from some guy named Trevor in a parking lot, you're doing it wrong. Mood.com delivers legal THC products straight to your door. Gummies, vapes, flour, the good stuff. No sketchy dms, no med card. Just add to cart checkout and boom, it's at your doorstep. It's legal in all 50 states thanks to the farm bill. And Mood's products actually work. Seriously, this isn't gas station garbage, it's small batch lab tested real results. Go to mood.com, use code first20 for 20% off and never run dry again. That's mood.com, go get lit legally.
- [21:11]
Emily
Yes, do that too. So I wrote down like a list, a whole big list of them. But I think the one that has impacted me the most and stayed with me the longest is the better off alone thought. And that really comes from no emotional safety as A child. My mother was a alcoholic and very hot, cold, very, very, very abusive with her words and physically too. But, like, she would consistently tell. I'm the second of three daughters, and she would consistently tell me and my younger sister that we were the reason she was unhappy. We were the reason she was an alcoholic. She only wanted one daughter, and why couldn't we be like our older sister? And so many memories of things like that and just no physical closeness or intimacy or very few I love yous in the house. Even among my siblings, there was very, very little of that. There was just no safe emotional space. And that has just caused me through my life to be. Big fear of intimacy, like, ready to flee. That's kind of like the feeling that I have all the time is as soon as somebody gets too close or things get a little too, you know, too, too uncomfortable, I'll just. I'll just be ready to flee. I can leave before they leave me kind of thing. And it has really only been in probably the last two years that I have started to understand that it's not necessarily a fear of closeness and connection I have. It's that I don't know what to do with it if I have it. So it's been really difficult. It's been a couple of years since I got divorced. And as it would go, all of the things that I've. I figured out about myself and how I function in relationships that could have helped that relationship. Now what, you know, they're. It's just me over here hanging out with my new skills. But I. I do think that there's definitely a path out of that. Even when they're super deeply ingrained, you just have to get away from those people. So, you know, my mother's been dead 25ish years now, and it. It took me probably eight or nine years after her death to stop hearing her voice in my head all the time. And now I only hear her voice when I'm significantly triggered. And I think that is miraculous, but just a lot of. A lot of fear and sadness as a child. And I think when you grow up with those two emotions being prevalent, you really don't know how to accept or absorb safety and happiness. So that's definitely been a journey. And I'm glad that I figured out how to get on the journey. So appreciate you guys.
- [24:22]
Faith
Both my parents were alcoholics, and their version of love is, you know, embarrassing. You, like, ridiculing you, just being downright mean, but, oh, they love you. My dad's favorite line would be if I didn't pick on you, you wouldn't know that I love you. And I was like, oh, wonderful. Like, that feels great. And that's still how they are to this day. Day. And it's like I went my whole life thinking all these bad things about me. You know, I was always told about my real father and how bad he was, and, oh, guess what, guys? He's off the rocker now. And he's called me four times in the last week, high off his ass, and I'm his only person to call for support. Meanwhile, my year sobriety date is tomorrow, and I'm, like, trying to calm him down, and I'm like, oh, my God, how have we come full circle? My father now is here at this point, and last year, I was entering the hospital, like, what? Oh, how am I doing this? But I'm doing it, and I'm getting through it without freaking out so much. Just inside, I'm, like, swirling. I talked to my therapist the other day, and I really need to figure out how I move forward with this if he does not get a grip on his sobriety, because part of me is, you know, he has nobody, and I want to be there if he needs me. So I am just dealing with so much with that, and it's just bringing the circle of, like, being told I was bad like him and all this negative stuff. And you know what the. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I was born to already struggle with the addiction from both sides, and. And then I grew up in a household with toxic, emotionally immature parents who were also abusive and alcoholics. Like, what the did you think was gonna happen? You're lucky that I made it out of there alive. And now, yeah, I get to celebrate my year sobriety tomorrow. God damn. I passed my license. I'm sober. Like, who would have thought I could do this? And you know what? I really owe to this group because I was not doing well in my sobriety when I first started. I was kind of just getting by, and now I'm doing it with, you know, a smile on my face about it. Like, I am proud of it. It's finally something that I'm happy to tell people this. You know, I'm not. It's not something I'm embarrassed about saying. Like, I did this, and it's an accomplishment. So thanks, guys.
- [27:18]
Host/Announcer
One year, so huge.
- [27:19]
Grace
Hi, everyone. It's been a while since I've been on our calls. A lot has happened. A lot to update good things and bad things, but mostly good things. Which is good. I know from like our reading today, I did like, resonate with a lot of what everyone said. One of the things I wanted to bring up that had really kind of like, held as something that I had like, believed for a little bit. But I kind of like overcame it over the summer when I would tell myself that I did need my parents when they did reach out to me and I was like guilt tripping myself and thinking that I can't get through life without them. When the past couple years when. When I was estranged from them, I actually was much better and in a mentally better place. And I was able to do so many things for myself that many others wouldn't at my age. And I just know that the one thing that made me realize that I needed to call off or just like set my boundaries more clear and not to associate with my parents anymore is after like one when my stepdad told me that there was something wrong with me and that I have to live with myself at the end of the day. And the whole time it was just him like, degrading me. And it had nothing to do with me. It was just him bringing up the past and telling me how he had forgiven me for things because he had to. But it didn't really had to do with what it was. And it was like after I had given my brother driving lessons, which he passed. He passed his driver's test after not feeling prepared for it because after a certain time, I believe in mid of August, he didn't even have over 60 hours, which is like required for Maryland, like new drivers or something like that. And they basically. They basically like forged his like, his hours because now they need the parents or the guardians to put in that he did his hours of driving so that he's ready for his driver's test. But they decided that they didn't want me to continue giving him driving lessons because they. They were upset with me taking him out to like, get food and stuff and being. It's just really dumb things. They just. My stepdad, he doesn't like to see us happy. Like, he's a pretty miserable person. But other than that, when my brother took the test and he didn't feel prepared because he got under like 20 hours of driving, I just told him to like, let me know when he starts driving and to remember to look at all his mirrors, pay attention to his surroundings, just to prep him for his driver's test. And I was really worried because he. He did make a lot of dents micro. And my car's old, so I didn't really care. And it's still drivable. It had a lot of issues. I've had a lot of car issues in the past, but it's still running, so that's all that matters. But I was very patient with him, and I'm glad. I was the calmest and most patient person that I could be in such a stressful situation of teaching how to drive. And I was really happy to hear that he passed his driver's test, which is amazing. And I'm really proud of him, and I'm really happy. And the things that my parents say about me aren't true. Like, I'm still trying to remind myself of those things. And my mom, she would tell me how she doesn't want my siblings to end up like me, as if I'm a terrible person when she doesn't really know me. She's just now getting somewhat back into my life, but she doesn't really want to put in the effort to get to know me. So I've just been noticing that. And I'm learning more every day about myself. Like, how can you tell me you know me when I'm still learning about myself to this day? But I'm grateful to be here, and I thank you for everyone for listening.
- [31:37]
Courtney
All right. You know, at the beginning of this, I. I'm very aware of a big lie that I'm always working on. But now listening to everybody, oh, my God. I think I need to do some writing, and it's okay, because my big lie is, you know, there's something wrong with me. There's not. I don't belong. I'm not as good as. I'm not equal to everybody. And my whole life, people have taken to me. They like me. They're the ones who have see me, and I don't. And this program has really helped me kind of trust the process. And I really feel for people whose parents are still alive. My. Somebody said it earlier today, there was no I love you in my house. There was no attention. And somebody wrote in the chat about, your mother doesn't love you. How can you think anybody else can? And my dad, I know he loved us, but he was so fucking critical. He wanted us to have everything he didn't have. And so we were never good enough. We always needed to practice this a little bit more, you know, and no attention. And by the time I was 13, I was pretty much on my own. My dad left the house at 14, and, you know, they. My parents split, and my mom Wasn't paying attention. And I had friends and they raised me and a couple teachers, camp counselors. And on some level, I felt the love. But I've even had pretty recent experiences of noticing how much I don't let it in myself with my family. And initially, when we were talking, I was going to say, I'm really, really glass half full, half full. And I love the saying, don't quit five minutes before the miracle. And, you know, if you wrote a list of all your dreams and everything you want and you look back at it many years later, you would have shortchanged yourself. And I still think that about you too, Andrea. I really do. Because that's what I've learned in this program. And I have evidence it gets better and better. And I think I'm going to end it at that. I have, like two plus weeks now of working in an area. I think it's going to be a good thing. But one place I was at the skilled nursing facility. Nothing again. I love Filipino people, but I think they thought I was a little bit nuts. Like, you know, that I was telling them certain things and I decided I might be wrong. And I know they like me and I know they appreciate the help I'm giving to this person, but I'm still that crazy white lady. Yeah, that's a good place to end. I'm really glad to be here, and I'm glad I hung in there with this. Definitely poked at a lot of my stuff, and I love you guys. Thanks.
- [35:11]
Hannah
Hey, fam. This has been a great meeting. I just really love you all a whole lot. And I'm really grateful for this group because I don't know what I'd do without it. Shout out to Courtney for one year. That's fucking amazing. And I'm really glad. It reminds me of, like, the spirit of AA that, like, we help each other when we share where we're at. Because I had a different experience this weekend. I went to beautiful Palisade, Colorado, which is bum fuck nowhere. It's on the Western Slope and it's known for its peaches. There's a shit ton of peach orchards and it was, like, cute and stuff. And we went and, like, saw the, like, vineyards and there's, like, lavender fields. So it was, like, cute. Super small town. It was like we were on Main street and it was like a block by a block was the whole town. And a really funny story. Went to this barbecue place. This guy outside, like, is looking at us and we come outside again and he's like, hey, hey, hey, are you guys brothers to me and my boyfriend? And we look at each other and we're like, no lovers. And he, like, didn't know what to do, and he was just like, oh. And turned around, the girls at the table were laughing their heads off. And it was really funny and I should have, but I didn't but kiss him on the mouth. That would have been really funny to be like, yeah, we are brothers, but I didn't do that, but it would have been really funny. So small town. I. We were there for his best friend. She was a bridesmaid in a wedding. So we were like taking around and stuff. And we went to this after party at like 10 o' clock at this saloon called the Livery, which had, like, dead animals on the wall and like a rock band. Just really annoying, you know? Like, everyone's drunk or high or whatever. And then there's me, stone cold sober. And you know those times in your life where just like, like this, I don't want to be sober. Like, why can't I just have a few drinks? Why can't I just take an edible and get high for one night? Like, why can't I? I know why. I'm a raging alcoholic. I can't do that. But sometimes it's really annoying. And the lesson of it was to just accept that that was a lie. And I know better. And in my head, I know that I'm not, like, on the verge of a relapse or anything, but it's okay to express the feeling that, like, I'm annoyed by this. I'm annoyed. And I did better at advocating for myself. We were there for like half hour, 45 minutes, and I was like, all right, I'm good. And we left. And it was good. And I was talking to my therapist. I got like 35% weird. I got a little bit more quiet and wasn't really talking, but it wasn't the time to bring it up to my boyfriend. It wasn't the right time. So that was my lesson of, like, it's okay to bring this up later. I still haven't, but I'm working on that. And two months ago, the same situation happened similar, and it was like 100% weird. And then a month ago it happened and I was like 60% weird. So it's showing that we get better and we progress and we don't have to be fucking perfect. Like, we get to feel better and we get to understand our emotions and respect them and understand just to verbalize them. And when we verbalize them. It gets them out. And I made this like six paragraph text to my sponsor. It was outrageous. It was way too much. But I just needed to, like, get it out, to just vomit it and like, say, hey. I just needed someone to listen. Can you do that for me? And he was like, absolutely, yes. Thank you for reaching out. And it's like another one of my best friends. And it was the lesson of, it's okay just to get it out sometimes. Because I know I'm not going to act on this. I know I'm not going to risk my sobriety. I'm not going to give up. In December, I'll have six years, which is crazy. Like, absolutely crazy. I don't understand. And I'm blown away that, like, I. I did that. Like, that's one of the lies I tell myself is that, like, I don't deserve this. Like, I do. I've done the hard work. I've been there. I've showed up to thousands of meetings and shown up authentically as myself. And I've done the work and I've been there for people and people have been there for me. And they showed me how to love myself until I could learn to love myself like they did. And it worked. If you're new, if you're struggling, this program is really hard. It's sometimes it's a show. See what I did there? Better. Damn the join, because this place really was the next step in my sobriety. Like, I need to get sober from drugs and alcohol. I need to get sober from sex and love. I needed to deal with my family. And without doing that, like, that wound is still there untreated. And today I can say I've had so much healing and I get to be in so many more positive, healthy relationships. And. And we say it all the time, but, like, we heal these traumas in relationship, in healthy relationships. And I'm getting to experience that today. And I, I do deserve it. Like all of us deserve it because we're showing up for ourselves and we get to show up for each other. And that's beautiful. So, like, I'm so grateful you're here tonight, even if you aren't. I'm grateful that I'm here. I'm grateful this community. Keep showing up for yourself because it fucking works. If you work it. So work because you're fucking worth it. Thanks, y'.
- [40:07]
Courtney
All. I'm sorry. It was all about me. I really want to take note of. Courtney. Courtney, Courtney. I love you too, Mike. But, Courtney, I remember you in your first month, and here you are, and you're so strong, and I just really, really needed to say that emotion. So now I got you. Thanks.
- [40:39]
Host/Announcer
What you holding on to?
- [40:41]
Hannah
Let's just let it all go what's.
- [40:44]
Host/Announcer
Making you small now let's let it all go what you got to do?
- [40:49]
Hannah
Yeah.