← Adult Child
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- [00:00]
Andrea
So tell me if this sounds like you. You're the one holding it all together. You're the reliable one, the helper, the fixer. You're getting it done at work in your relationships, for your family. But inside you're exhausted. Rest feels impossible or even guilt inducing. Asking for help feels unsafe, maybe even a little shameful. Your body is always clenched. You're running on empty, but you can't stop. So here's what no one tells you. That hyper responsibility, that constant over functioning that is one of the most overlooked forms of functional freeze. We, we tend to think freeze looks like shutdown, like doing nothing. But sometimes freeze looks like doing everything. Fixing, helping, performing. All while disconnecting from yourself underneath it all. And here's the thing, you can't think your way out of this mindset. Hacks won't melt this freeze because it's not about mindset. It's your nervous system stuck in survival mode. It's about your body believing it's only.
- [00:51]
Dax
Safe if you keep doing.
- [00:53]
Andrea
And I know plenty of you right now are hardcore relating to everything that I'm saying. Which is why I'm so excited about Breathe to Heal. A six week Somatic breath work core course designed exactly for this. Led by Teresa, a certified Somatic breathwork practitioner and a fellow member of our show community, this course will help you reconnect with your body, regulate your nervous system and begin to feel safe enough to rest, slow down and just be. And y'all. This is a steal compared to most systematic healing programs out there. We start on Wednesday, May 14th at 8:30pm Eastern. It's all online. It's live on Zoom, so get your damn spot@adultchildpodcast.com breathe to heal.
- [01:27]
Teresa
That's breathe with an e at the.
- [01:29]
Andrea
End or you can see the link in the show notes. Your nervous system has been waiting for this, so please don't leave it hanging.
- [01:34]
G
Our past can be our greatest asset if we are willing to ask for help and do the work to find out what happened.
- [01:41]
Dax
My name is Andrea and this is Adult Child.
- [01:56]
G
What's making you small now?
- [02:00]
Teresa
Welcome back to Adult Child where we take a deep dive into the impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Ahoy my dear Shit Shows for any new listeners, my name is Andrea. I am a total and complete shit show and I am the captain of this hot mess of a ship. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I was the scapegoat, slash identified patient. I started drinking and using drugs when I was 12 and became an alcoholic myself. Before finally getting sober at 19, and then after many, many years of not understanding why I turned into a complete psychopath every time I got into a relationship, I realized that my childhood screwed me up a whole hell of a lot more than I initially thought, and that what I experienced was actually a little old thing that we call complex trauma, and that what I was experiencing in romantic relationships is a little old thing that we call complex ptsd. And so this is the podcast where we talk about how to heal from growing up in family dysfunction and complex trauma. Welcome aboard. Buckle up. So I'm currently on a little break and in the meantime we are revisiting old episodes of Adult Child. And today we are piggybacking off of last week and diving into steps 4, 5, 6 and 7 of the ACA program. Highly recommend going and listening to last week's episodes on steps one through three if you have not before listening to this. If you're not into the 12 steps, don't worry, you're still going to get a lot out of this episode. 4, 5, 6 and 7 are the real meat and potatoes of the 12 steps, in my opinion. Last week we had proof is in the pudding. This week we have meat and potatoes. So let's just get on with the damn thing.
- [03:58]
G
But first, let's talk about why you.
- [03:59]
Teresa
Yes, you need to damn the join shit show my online support community and I have an exciting announcement to make. Well, it's exciting for me, okay? It's a win that I have to share. I completed something that has been on my to do list for like two fucking years, folks. I have finally completed a legit landing page for the Shitshow community where you can find all the information that you need to know if you are interested in joining this community, including a schedule of all of our weekly groups, a frequently asked question section, and all all the damn reasons why you need to hop aboard this healing ship where I host four weekly Zoom support groups. We have at least six groups that meet per week and where you can connect with other folks that are doing the damn work to heal. This is vulnerability on steroids. This is a support community that is actually fun, where we actually laugh, and where profound transformation and genuine connection is occurring like never before. So it's about damn time. Yes, you the person that's been wanting to join for forever. The hundreds of you that have been wanting to join for forever. How about today's the day, okay? April 2, 2025, or whatever the hell day it is that you're listening to it. Today is the day go to adult child podcast.com shitshow I'm excited to be able to say that adultchildpodcast.com shitshow at a bare minimum, like could you just at least go look at the site because I put a lot of effort into it and I think it looks really damn good. So at least throw a gala bone and just go look at the damn page, okay? And while you're there, damn the join. We are waiting for you to hop aboard this ship. Just do it now, okay? Just do it now. Next, give me a follow on Insta on TikTok at Adult Child Pod. And last but not least, whatever you do, please, please, please Give me damn 5 star rating on Apple and Spotify. Thank you. Love you all.
- [06:13]
G
Today we are diving deep into Step four, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. So this is the real meat and potatoes of the 12 steps, in my opinion. It's like the rite of passage of the 12 steps, regardless of what fellowship you're working it in. But today we obviously are going to be looking at it from the adult child angle. And this step is where we are looking at all that shit that we have avoided looking at. Talking about, thinking about, feeling about our abandonment, our shame, denial, resentment, trauma, all that fun stuff. Because it is through processing that shit that is the key to our freedom and our happiness and the key to becoming our truest and best selves. Yesterday on Instagram, I posted this quote from Melody Beatty. It's applicable to our conversation. Here, let me pull it up. For so many years, we thought other people held the key to our happiness. Then we found out we held the key to the prison where we'd been held captive. We might have started out as legitimate victims of others, but then we became victims of ourselves. And Step four is part of that key all. It is part of the key to unlock ourselves from the prison of our faulty childhood programming. And whether or not we work the 12 steps or we work a four step, the exercises that we're going to be talking about today, the various areas that are addressed and looked at in a four Step are crucial and key for every single adult child to address. So this is a beneficial topic for anybody. Even if you are not in the 12 step program or you have any interest in being in a 12 step program, this shit is applicable to you. I just also want to reiterate that I am not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, and I do not speak on behalf of the ACA program. I am just a shit show with a podcast. So take what you want and leave the rest. So let's just do a little recap. First of steps 1, 2 and 3. I have done episodes on all of them, so you can find them if you want to check out the back catalog. But briefly, let's recap. So Step one, We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction and that our lives had become unmanageable. AKA my childhood screwed me up. It is negatively impacting my life as an adult and I cannot fix this. I cannot heal from that negative impact on my own. Step two Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. AKA change is possible. And as I said in the Step two episode, what this step is not saying is that we came to believe that praying twice a day or going to church every Sunday would restore us to sanity. It is saying that A we are worthy of a happy and healthy life, we are worthy of not being imprisoned by the faulty childhood programming, and B that by seeking the help we so desperately need that we can heal and have that happy and healthy life. And this help comes in many forms. It does come in the form of a higher power or God, a universe in nature. It comes in the form of therapy. It comes in the form of 12 step programs and other healing communities. This podcast is an example of help. All of these serve as a vessel for which healing can occur. So now for step three, made a decision to turn our will in our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. AKA we made a decision to start taking action rooted in this belief that healing is possible. So now we proceed to step four where we are taking that damn action. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Now, before we get into the nitty gritty of this step from an ACA perspective, I want to talk a little bit about the process of doing a step four in AA or NA because I actually just found the very first four step I ever did. I. I was 19 and probably about six months sober. And actually, no, that's not. That is not the very first four step I did. I guess it's the first four step I did.
- [11:14]
Teresa
For real.
- [11:15]
G
I can't remember if I've shared this. I think I may have in in my fourth episode where I talk about my alcoholism. But the first, fourth and fifth step that I actually did. So the fifth step is where you share your four step, your inventory with your sponsor. But so the first time I did a fourth and fifth step, this was the period of time where I Was not sober, where I was pretending to be sober and still going to meetings and doing step work with my sponsor and, and picking up, you know, sobriety chips. And I remember being at my sponsor's house and doing my fifth step, and at the end, her asking me if there was anything that I had had left off. And I said no. But in my head, at the same time, I was thinking, yes, the fact that I am like, literally on pills right this very second. So the fourth step from an AA or any perspective, includes three separate inventories. Resentments, fears, and sexual misconduct. And so the purpose of this step is to identify our resentments, our fears, our sexual misconduct, to see the part that we played in all of that shit, and to identify the character defects that have been a pattern through our lives. And so what happens is, you know, you go through these resentments, you go through these fears. And what seems to be the case is that there seems to be some common, common character defects that, that come up. And so the hope is that by working the remaining steps and asking our higher power to remove these defects, we will, you know, let go of these resentments and fears that we've been harboring and that we will behave differently. The hope is that we will. We will course correct, and that we won't behave in the ways that we once did or if so, at a much milder degree. So basically, meaning, we learn our lesson. You know, I remember after doing my fourth and fifth step and working the remaining steps thinking, you know, I am good to go, that everything and anything that needed to be resolved from my past was resolved and that I had course corrected. And honestly, in many ways, you know, that was true. Basically, all areas of my life did improve, except for one big area that we all know, my romantic relationships. I was not able to course correct. I wasn't learning my lesson. The same shit kept coming up in inventory after inventory after each relationship. And I couldn't figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. And as I've said before, you know, simply learning we have cancer doesn't make the cancer go away. Simply learning that I was an adult child didn't produce any sort of change. And the identification of these character defects on these inventories weren't enough to course correct my behavior in romantic relationships. And that is because what was not identified was the root of these character defects. And that, in fact, these weren't actually character defects, but survival mechanisms that had been ingrained in me as a child. And that these character defects were actually trauma responses. But, you know, at that time when I did my very first, fourth and fifth step, I didn't have enough data points to know that I was severely impacted by my childhood or that I had complex trauma. You know, I had to get physically sober to allow this to come to the surface for me. I had to get physically sober and I had to date some, some real gems in order for this drama and the detrimental impact of my childhood to come to the surface. You know, I had kept all of that shit at bay. I had kept all that stuff from festering and coming to the surface by checking out with drugs and alcohol. And the inability to self medicate in the ways that I once did resulted in the optimal conditions for this trauma for this to come to the surface. So I was looking at this, you know, this original four step that I did as it relates to my resentments towards my parents.
- [16:14]
F
So let's see here.
- [16:17]
G
With my mom, I wrote, well, okay, here's what I said for my dad, it says my dad. So I'm resentful at my dad, the cause, for leaving me with an alcoholic mother, for being emotionally unavailable, for yelling at me over small things. And then for my mom, it says, I'm resentful at her for being an alcoholic mother, for embarrassing me, for driving me around drunk, for not being there for me at time, for punishing me for my drinking and using when there was no reprimand for her. So the fourth column of a fourth step in AANA is to look at what are partisan things. Like it says, what is the exact nature of our wrongs? And generally speaking, we do have a part in everything, but we don't necessarily have a, a part that we play in this childhood stuff, right? So there are not any character defects that I identified related to these resentments with my mom and my dad. So essentially what we did here, right, was, okay, I'm resentful of my mom and my dad for these reasons, but that, that doesn't really do for me, right, because we're not looking at what, what was the impact, what was the true impact, what were the faulty beliefs about myself that resulted from these, this cause, the, the resentments that I had towards my parents, the way that my parents treated me, what was the true impact of that, the faulty beliefs and fears and faulty programming that resulted from this experience from my childhood. But like I said, at this point in time, when I wrote this, I did not have the data points to know truly how much it had impacted me. But I guess that's actually not completely true though, because if I Look at the other that's on here, the other kind of resentments and the fears. I mean, honestly, in the character defects of these other things, you know, these actually were all a result of. Of the faulty beliefs and like, about myself and fears that were ingrained in me during my childhood. These were all in reaction to that, of these kind of faulty survival mechanisms. Like, truly, I guess it's not faulty. It was the way that I had to survive, you know, but all this other shit that was on here was truly just a result of. Of my childhood and what was ingrained in me in these laundry list traits and just ways that I literally figured out, like, a way to survive everything that I was experiencing at home. So it's interesting, I've been thinking about that. Is that just the case for everybody when we're doing this four step, when we're doing that fourth column and we're looking at these character defects? I guess they all are just survival mechanisms and are they all rooted in childhood for everyone? And how come some people can, you know, do this, the fourth and fifth step? And in course, correct from that without having to do any of, like, the deeper childhood stuff? You know, I think about, you know, my friends, the girls that I got sober with, who also, I'm sure, had trauma in their childhood, but they did not. They didn't hit an ACA bottom in the way that I did, or they haven't at least yet. But I'm just one of those people where. And perhaps we all just do have it and it just comes up in varying degrees. And I just happen to be one of those people where confronting this other shit like literally my life depended upon facing had, you know, impacted me in such a severe degree that my life depended upon. Upon facing that. But actually, Dr. Drew talked about that when I had him on the podcast. He made a comment about that how, you know, there's certain people that can just do, you know, the 12 steps and that, that, that, that suffices for them. Yeah, I'm sure that there's. There's deeper levels that they can go, but then there's people like me, and I'm sure many of you guys listening where that wasn't enough, right? It was not enough. But what I want to say is that I truly view that as a gift and as a blessing. Despite all pain that I experienced. It's been so worth it just to be able to do this deep inner work. And we all know it's worth it, right? Because you wouldn't be listening to my damn voice right now. But truly, it's all this shit, the pain, the crap, the way that it manifested that has allowed me to be forced to do the work and subsequently really get to know myself and know who I am and see myself for who I am and just to see that all that pain resulted in good and shaped me into who I am today and gave me a lot of really wonderful qualities. So if you're one of those people too, where the 12 steps by themselves were not enough, don't worry. You are in the cool kids club. Okay, so let's move on and let's get into this. Let's get into this Step four. So I'm going to be going through the adult children. It's called the 12 Steps of Adult Children Steps workbook. So it says getting started on step four. In approaching step four, many adult children have said, why dredge up the past? What is done is done. I'm forgetting the past and moving forward. For these statements, ACA has an answer and a guarantee. Most people don't arrive at aca's door by mistake. You are here for a reason, so keep an open mind. Our experience tells us that our past can be our greatest asset if we are willing to ask for help and do the work to find out what happened. Simply recounting the past is not always enough to bring about healing and self forgiveness. Without knowing the meaning of the abandonment encoded within the past, the adult child is doomed to repeat it. I'm going to say that again because this is huge. Simply recounting the past is not always enough to bring about healing and self forgiveness. Without knowing the meaning of the abandonment encoded within the past, the adult child is doomed to repeat it. The unexamined past becomes the future of the next generation. If the steps do not bring relief or clarity to your life, we will refund your old way of life in full. This is the ACA guaranteed. If anyone out there, anyone listening that has taken advantage of this, of this refund, let me know if that's true. Let me know if they actually will refund your shitty ass life. So what is different about this step, this four step compared to a four step in AA and na, is that we're not just solely looking at our behaviors or our resentments. We're also looking at the behavior of our caregivers, of our parents, and how this has impacted us. But the the real emphasis is that we are doing this blamelessly. And this is something that we've talked about a lot about, how in order for us to heal, we have to talk about that stuff. We have to understand the causes and conditions that made us the way that we are. But we're not doing this rooted in. In blame. We're doing this rooted in I'm trying to save my life. So I'm going to read what it a little bit. It talks about this in the, in the step book. It says the key word to remember in a in working. Aca's four step is blameless. ACA founder Tony A believed that adult children should take a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them. Tony believed that we internalized our parents. We had become them in thinking and action, even if we took steps to be different. While we focus primarily on ourself, in step four, we have added an inventory of the family to the process. ACA believes that we cannot take a searching and fearless inventory if we leave out our family. Blame is not the purpose of step four or any of ACA's 12 steps. However, we can hold our parents and family accountable for their action and inaction. Blameless and accountability are the guideposts that steer us toward a balanced but searching inventory. And I think this next part is, is really interesting. So what does it mean to, like, hold our family accountable? It says we hold our family accountable by naming what happened to us without fear of being ridiculed or disbelieved. In step four, we name the threats, the hitting, the inappropriate touching, or whatever else might have happened to us. We avoid blame because we are aware of the generational nature of family dysfunction. Our parents passed on the seeds of shame and fear given to them. They were once children without a choice. They survived as we survived. While some parents were obviously sadistic or unrepentant, others did the best they could. These parents made a conscious decision to raise their children differently than they were raised. Many of these parents abstained from alcohol, yet passed on problematic fear and shame just the same. And it also says avoiding blame does not mean that we avoid being angry or disgusted. Many of us feel rage when we talk about the abuse and neglect in our homes. These are normal feelings for the abusive and unhealthy parenting we lived through. We also avoid sinking into a victim mindset. This mindset can disqualify us from the emotional and spiritual gifts of aca. We move out of the victim role and claim our personal power by taking this step. All right, so now let's talk about these various exercises within this workbook. So there are 12 separate exercises. I'm not going to go through every one in immense detail. But I do want to touch upon the key areas and the way I want to split this up is I want to first talk about what we're looking at as far as our past, so the inventories of our childhood experiences. And then we will talk about the. The inventories that relate to our behavior as adults. So the first area that we're looking at from our childhood is the. The laundry list worksheet. So this is where we are looking for events, incidences that contributed to us developing these laundry list traits. So we. We look at the. The 14 traits and see what is applicable for us. And then we do a little bit of investigating to see what are some incidences that contributed to us feeling. Feeling this way. So for me, for example, one of the laundry list traits that I relate to is we become addicted to excitement and the incidences and events that contributed that to that. For me, were sitting on the steps, listening to my parents fight, you know, getting an adrenaline rush from that, helping my dad search the house for my mom's booze. You know, going into the liquor cabinet with my dad at the age of eight and using a paint stick to measure and monitor each bottle in the liquor cabinet. And you know, for me, in all of those instances, the way that my fear came through, I mean, obviously I was in fear, but for me, it was. It was an adrenaline rush. Like, I got high and I mean, I remember there were even times when I would get a sense that something was going to happen, that there was going to be like an incident later in the day and if something didn't happen. But I would say, like 95% of the time, my sixth sense was accurate, but the 5% of the time where maybe some big scene didn't occur, I actually would feel bummed out about it. It's like going to meet my dealer and then finding out that. That he's all out. So then another trait for me too would be, you know, we have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods. And so for that, for me, and I think this is the experience of so many people, it would just be these huge fights, getting divorced, the world is over, and then waking up the next morning, and it's as if nothing ever happened. And that is so confusing for a child. And we learn to not trust ourselves and trust our reality, and it also contributes to not learning how to. To process emotions. We learn growing up that you go from 0 to 10 and 10 to 0, as tion Dayton says, with no speed bumps in between. So next we are looking at denial. So there are two separate exercises related to denial. The first is a family secrets inventory. It says almost every dysfunctional family has a story or image that family members present to friends in outside world. But beneath the storyline is the reality of the dysfunctional home. There are secrets, inconsistencies and wrongs that are contrary to the family image. Family denial supports the family image and denies the hidden story. So for my family, we were, you know, this nice looking family from the outside. We went to church every Sunday. We belonged to the country club. We went on a lot of fun vacations, but behind closed doors. My mom was an alcoholic. My dad was a workaholic who traveled out of town all the time and knowingly left me at home with my mom when he knew that she was driving me around drunk. Unfortunately, the family secrets rule did not apply to me and my problems as a child and teenager. Then there's also a denial inventory. So then next there is a denial inventory. So it says, denial lives in the way we recall the abuse, neglect, or rejection we suffered as children. Denial is the mechanism which protects and helps plant the seed of family dysfunction in the next generation. So in this exercise, we're looking for specific instances or events in which we were abused or neglected or traumatized that we were in denial about as far as how it impacted us. For me, I was in denial about my whole childhood. You know, I had no idea that I had endured trauma. I had no idea that I had endured abuse. I was under the assumption that because I was never hit, I was never sexually abused, I was never told I was a piece of shit, I never missed a meal. That truly, how bad could I have been impacted? Well, guess what? Pretty damn bad. Well, guess what? A whole hell of a lot. And part of the reason I started this podcast is just for that very reason, to reach y'all who are oblivious to truly how their childhood impacted them. So next we have an inventory on shame and an inventory on abandonment. And these are the real high dollar items for us adult children. This is what we all so fortunately get to share. Even though the specifics of our childhoods may vary. We all know shame and abandonment. And so it says, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states that resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. In aca, we believe shame claims the number one spot. We believe that shame is so potent that a few drops can create a lifetime of lost self. Shame was often on the scene before abandonment, which is perhaps the second most troublesome abuse we have faced as children of unhealthy parenting. To shame a child is to abandon the child. A parent can shame and abandon a child without ever leaving the room because a shamed child feels unlovable and alone at a deep level. Adult children not only feel shame at the molecular level, but we also carry inherent shame. We not only feel shame, we believe we are shame. Wow. Lucky us, man. We sure. We sure won the damn lottery. So, yeah, so there's the shame inventory. It says, you know, in addition to sexual abuse and harsh cursings, shame can come from calm statements by parents about appearance, speech, dress and mannerism. Some shame can be uttered in tones of sarcasm, overly critical judgments and hurtful comments veiled as teasing or jokes. Okay, so then the only remaining inventory in here related to childhood is a. A sexual abuse inventory. So now let's move along to the areas of our own behavior that we are going to dissect. And so there are two separate inventories that look at how we have harmed others. The first of which being a generational transfer inventory, basically looking for how we have Harry.
- [34:20]
Andrea
Shit show. Ladies, have you ever had those days where everything just feels so much damn harder than normal and you can't figure out why? I already know the answer to that question is yes. And boy, have I definitely had more than my fair share of those days and totally get just how frustrating this can be. But recently I've learned that sometimes it's not just stress, lack of sleep, a dysregulated nervous system. It could also be my hormones at play. And that is where Happy Mammoth comes in. They offer a free two minute quiz that can help you uncover the root cause of your hormonal symptoms. It's super easy. Any show can do it. Just answer a few questions about what you've been going through and where you're at in life. After taking this quiz, you'll get personalized recommendations to help balance your hormones and start feeling better. So I took this hormone quiz myself. The quiz suggested that my body may be overloaded with estrogen, which is affecting me in all kinds of ways. And one of the recommendations that I got was to start taking hormone harmony, which helps with bloating, chronic fatigue, weight gain, mood swings, and more. And after adding it to my routine, I've definitely noticed a difference. Now, taking care of your hormones isn't just about feeling good right now. It's also about investing in our healing journey. And so, by taking this quiz, you'll learn more about your hormone balance, which will allow you to start making small, intentional changes to to support you on this healing journey. Whether it's the hormone Harmony or another Happy Mammoth product, the quiz helps guide you towards solutions that work specifically for you. So if you're ready to start feeling like yourself again, head over to happy mammoth.com and take their free 2 minute hormone quiz today to find out the ultimate answer to your stubborn hormonal issues. And for a limited time, you can also get 15% off your entire first order with my code adult child at checkout. That's happy mammoth.com and use the code adult child for 15% off today. Hi, I'm Kristen Bell. Carvana makes car buying easy. Isn't that right hun?
- [36:13]
Dax
Dax?
- [36:14]
Kristen
Dax, sorry, did you know about this? 7 day money back guarantee.
- [36:19]
Andrea
A week to evaluate seat comfiness.
- [36:21]
Kristen
You say a week of terrain tests? Yeah, I can test the brake pad resistance at variable speeds.
- [36:27]
Andrea
Make sure all the kids stuff fits nicely.
- [36:29]
Kristen
Make sure our stuff fits nicely.
- [36:31]
G
Oh the right.
- [36:33]
Kristen
Still need to buy the car. Getting ahead of ourselves here.
- [36:36]
Andrea
Buy your car with Carvana today.
- [36:39]
G
Armed people, specifically our children in the same ways that we were harmed by our parents as a child. Then there is one that's denial of our own behavior. So ways in which we have harmed other people that we have been in denial about. So then there is the Trauma and Neglect Inventory. It says for the PTSD worksheet, begin by writing down any traumatic or neglectful act you can recall. Was there hitting, cursing, threats or talk of threat in your home? Were you injured? Write down the area of your body that was injured. These places can hold PTSD triggers. There are also elements of PTSD not caused by overt trauma. For example, a child growing up in a home with perfectionism and unrealistic expectations can feel anxious turning in a project at work. This is a form of PTSD caused by being undercut by a parent who usually found fault in our housework or schoolwork, even when it was above average. So we're looking at the traumatic or neglectful events we had as children and how this is gets triggered in adulthood in the mind and in the body. And that might be hard for some of us to do, to start from the event, from our childhood. But the other way to do it is do the reverse. Looking at the times in our life when we are getting triggered, when we are having trauma responses and then working back to figure out where that is rooted. When is the first time that we remember feeling this way. So for me it was with the separation anxiety stuff. So that was my aha moment when I Realized after bride number one. The pain that I was feeling in that moment was the exact same pain that I felt as a little girl who had to sleep in her mother's bed. Now, here's the deal. There are some limitations when it comes to the 12 steps. The 12 steps were not designed to be a healing modality for trauma. Maybe that is enough for some people, but for others, we have to get outside help. We have to get trauma therapy. So I've been reading this book called trauma and the 12 steps, and it is written by a woman who is sober, and she's a proponent of the 12 steps. But she also sees the limitations as it relates to true trauma and that chronic relapsers are actually just people with unprocessed trauma. So, you know in the big book, when it says those do not recover, or people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates, they are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. No. How about we have complex drama? But. So in this book, she says, another reason trauma remains unprocessed is people tend to automatically assume that talking is the only way a person can process. In many treatment centers, talking is synonymous with processing. Although talking can help a person to process, talking is primarily a function of the neocortical brain. A person can talk about the trauma all they want, but until they can address it at the limbic level, the trauma will likely stay stuck and impact one's quality of life. And then the final piece is praise work. So positive affirmations coming up with at least 10 positive affirmations for ourselves. So for me, I would say I'm strong, I'm humorous, I am intelligent, I am compassionate, I'm talented. I'm spontaneous, I am creative. I am loving. I am a badass.
- [40:49]
Dax
Hello, dear. Shit shows if I sound different. Well, that is because I'm on my phone, and I just had a very frustrating past two hours.
- [40:59]
G
Okay.
- [40:59]
Dax
I just need to vent really quickly because I'm feeling. Feeling a little agitated.
- [41:04]
G
And we know we don't need to.
- [41:06]
Dax
Be bringing that into the episode, right? So my microphone's not working or my computer is not recognizing it. And so I spent an hour and a half trying to fix it, when really I should have stopped after 20 minutes. You know, threw in the towel after an hour and a half. Well, then I proceeded for the next half an hour to figure out what was going to sound best.
- [41:31]
G
So do I just use the microphone on my computer?
- [41:35]
Dax
Do I use my phone microphone? Do I use my AirPods microphone? And then I proceeded to go into a million different locations to see what sounds best.
- [41:45]
G
Okay, so we're in a closet and.
- [41:49]
Dax
We'Re doing just straight voice to voice memo.
- [41:54]
F
No AirPods.
- [41:54]
Dax
Okay, so today we're diving into steps five, six, and seven. From an adult child perspective. These are some rather crucial steps. There's a lot going on here in 5, 6, and 7. There is a lot of growth going on here.
- [42:16]
F
And so, in summary, I think that these are, in a way a repeat of steps 1, 2, and 3, but on a deeper level. So step 5 admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. So this is very similar to step one, but on a deeper level. So through the exercises in step four, and by sharing this with another person and the insight and clarity that comes from this, it is seeing the powerlessness over the effects of alcoholism and the unmanageability on our lives on a much deeper and more vulnerable level. And so step six is we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. So very similar to step two in the sense that we are acknowledging that change is possible. So we are acknowledging that what we have just discovered about ourselves through the process, the fourth and fifth step, that it's possible to change if we seek help. And then step seven is humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. And so this is similar to step three in the sense that, you know, we are making decision to start taking action rooted in this belief that change is possible, that it is possible to change what we've discovered about ourselves. So step five, let's dive into step five some more. So, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. If I could reword this step, I would have it say admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, what happened to us and the exact nature of our wrongs. Because we're sharing much more than how we've fucked up. We're sharing about, you know, what happened to us as well, which is also often the reason why we up. And so basically, we're just reading our entire four step with somebody else. And so it's recommended that it is a sponsor or a fellow traveler or, you know, your therapist.
- [44:28]
Dax
It really needs to be somebody that's.
- [44:29]
F
Familiar with the 12 steps in the Big Red book. It even specifically says if you have to explain to the person what a fifth step step is, you're asking the wrong person. So it needs to be somebody who's familiar and it needs to be somebody too who can be, you know, objective, who isn't involved in your. So don't ask a family member is.
- [44:52]
G
Basically what I'm trying to say.
- [44:53]
F
Don't ask a family member and don't ask your significant other. And so what's so powerful about this step? And an equally escape scary is that we are breaking the dysfunctional family rules by taking a fifth step. So we are confronting head on the don't talk, the don't trust and the don't feel rules. So it says in the big red book. By working step five, we are challenging the three main rules entrenched in our souls as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.
- [45:32]
Dax
We know that breaking dysfunctional family rules.
- [45:35]
F
Does not come easy for adult children. These rules are similar to the survival traits we use to live through our childhoods.
- [45:45]
Dax
We learn to trust these rules and.
- [45:48]
F
Use them in our daily lives. However, the rules have outlived their usefulness. They are strangling our lives and our relationships. We have to find another way to live with feelings, trust and voice. For some ACAs, the fifth step will be the first time they have told anyone some of their most troublesome memories of abuse. We know the courage this will take to move forward with step five. We know you will be letting someone into compartments of your mind that you may have thought would remain tightly shut forever. But these are the very secrets and problematic memories that need letting out. In step five, we finally get to talk about what matters. Rather than denying or filtering what happened, we talk about what happened and we trust another person to hear us. Without judgment. We feel the feelings that come up with the help of our ACA support group and a sponsor or counselor.
- [46:55]
Dax
And so this is really scary, right?
- [46:58]
F
We are sharing things that many of us plan to take to the grave. It's scary, but it's, you know, it's equally as freeing. It also is an opportunity for us to realize that we're not the only ones. So anytime I've done a fourth step, my sponsor, when I'm sharing that stuff that I don't want to share about that, I feel like her opinion on me is going to change if I share this about her every single time. It's, yeah, me too, I did that too, or I did something similar. And so we realize we're not the only one. We realize that we aren't bad people, that we're just a product of, of our upbringings. And the other reason that we share this with another person is so that they can help us get some clarity and perspective on everything that we're sharing. So helping us to see our part in things, but making sure that we're not unnecessarily beating the out of ourself while also making sure that we're not being too lenient. During this process of doing a fifth step, you know, we're really finally seeing what's under the hood. You know, we are seeing ourselves more clearly. We are seeing what happened to us more clearly. We get to see how some of the stories we've told ourselves our entire lives aren't necessarily true, or how some of the stories we've told ourselves about ourselves aren't necessarily true. We get to see, oh, that's why I do that, because that happened to me, or X, Y and Z happened to me. And so what happens?
- [48:41]
Dax
And so what?
- [48:41]
F
Kind of like the deliverable from a step five that we carry with us into step six and seven is what I have named and called myself, is a. Is a blueprint to healing. I'll expand, but so I do it a little bit differently than what is in. In the Big Red book or in the step book. So there is an appendix in the Big Red book, and I also believe it's in the ACA stepbook as well. And it is about instructions or, you know, guidance in how to hear a fifth step. The person who's hearing the fifth step, before they start, they. They take a piece of paper out in the top of it, they're supposed to write six step list. And it says on one side of the paper write assets, and on one side of the paper write defects of character or ineffectual behaviors. So I like to word it a little bit different. So instead of defects of character or ineffectual behaviors, I write what is blocking me from having a healthy relationship with myself, others, and my higher power. And so that's where defects, laundry list, traits and fears would be. And so I'm listening if I'm. If I'm. Doing it, if this step I'm looking for, just, you know, what are the common patterns? What am I seeing throughout that is blocking this individual from having a healthy relationship with themselves, with others and their higher power. And then on the other side, I write what is aiding me in having a healthy relationship with myself, others, and my higher power. And so as I'm listening to them share their fifth step, I'm listening for character strengths and assets that they possess that is helping them to have a healthy relationship with. With themselves, others, and their higher power. And so this is what I have deemed as the blueprint to healing, because we're seeing what needs to be addressed.
- [50:43]
G
You know, like, what do we need.
- [50:44]
F
To look at, what needs improvement. But then at the other side, we have these assets, we have these strengths which can be used to help us address the things that need to be changed.
- [50:56]
Dax
Okay? So once we have completed our fifth step, there is a fifth step prayer that we can say, which is divine creator, thank you for this chance to speak honestly with another person about the events of my life. Help me accept responsibility for my actions. Let me show compassion for myself and my family as I revisit my thinking and actions that have blocked me from your love. Restore my child within. Restore my feelings, Restore my trust in myself. Amen. And so then we are advised to return home. We're gonna go home with our fourth step. We're gonna go home with our. Our defects or our. Our blueprint of healing and to have some quiet time.
- [51:43]
F
So for some of you with kids.
- [51:44]
Dax
Maybe home is not that place, but somewhere where you can have some quiet time, where you can reflect upon what has just occurred, what you've just learned about yourself. And we're advised to immediately take steps six and seven. So basically what I'm telling you is that you're just going to reflect, and then you're going to see, say the seven step prayer, and then you're going to wake up the next morning, and.
- [52:10]
F
Then all your defects of character are.
- [52:12]
Dax
Just going to be gone, and you're going to be good as gold and ready to go. If only it were that easy. So step six, we're entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character. So what do we mean by entirely ready? Well, that typically means that we experience discomfort or we experience pain, or sometimes that means we experience excruciating amounts of pain. Right. Through great pain comes great change. So for some of our defects of character, you know, all it might take is just having the awareness that might be enough for us to be ready to change, to be ready to have this removed from us. For some other things, as we continue to work our programs, as we continue to, you know, continue our healing journey, we will gradually change and we will gradually release those behaviors. And then for some other things, well, it requires experiencing excruciating amounts of pain and hitting a bottom with them, that is just the way that it goes. So I want to talk a little bit about the difference between character defects and our laundry list traits.
- [53:41]
F
So what it talks about in the.
- [53:42]
Dax
Big Red book is about how the different, the differentiation, the difference between the two is that adult children readily identify with the laundry list traits. So these would be our survival traits. Whereas they're not so thrilled about the character defect stuff. Right. We will willingly admit, admit that we're people pleasers, but we'd rather not admit that we are judgmental or dishonest. But for me, the two just go hand in hand. And so that's why. And the same goes with fear. And that's why I think it's important in my blueprint to healing. God, this is really corny. We, you know, in that what is blocking me from having a healthy relationship with myself and others and my higher power. It's, you know, I'm not just listing character defects. We have the survival traits, the laundry list traits. We have our fears and we have our character defects. Because it's all intertwined to me, right. Like I think and it. And there's a, there's a graphic actually in the Big Red book and in the step book where it shows it's a tree and it's like the branches are the laundry list traits and then.
- [55:09]
F
The fruit of the tree is the character defects.
- [55:13]
Dax
I don't know. Rotten fruit, I guess. But that's how I see it. I see our character defects as a manifestation of. Of our, our laundry list traits or a manifestation of our fears. So, you know, my low sense of self, my low self esteem causes me to be judgmental. It causes me to act superior. It can cause me to be envious. My desire for connection, you know, will cause me to gossip. My fear of abandonment will cause me to be dishonest. My fear of abandonment will cause me to be a shitty employee because I gotta leave work to go pull my boyfriend out of a bar. My fear of success or failure will cause me to procrastinate or to be a perfectionist. Stuffing my feelings will cause me to eventually lash out at someone. So I don't think we can really separate them out. I think it's all intertwined and all the work goes together. And it's also really important too to acknowledge the role that trauma is playing in all of this. And often when we are acting rooted in our character defects, it's a trauma response. I wasn't being a shitty employee by going to pull my boyfriend out of a bar in the Middle of the day, just because I wanted to. I was in a trauma response. I was living in a trauma response. And so we have these trauma responses and we react and we don't really have that much control over it, you know, that is until we seek help. But a lot of these things are just automatic reactions, like it's in our brain. We have to process the trauma. We have to learn what our triggers are, what sends us into an emotional flashback, and what are the coping skills that we need to learn in order to cope when we're having emotional flashbacks so we don't react in rooted in our character defects. That's kind of my only caveat with what the Big Red book has for step six and seven. I wish it talked a little bit more about how the. Our character defects are our trauma responses. Because for me, having that realization helps me to realize that I'm not a shitty person and that I am having a trauma response. There's something going on in my brain that I can't really control. That's not to make an excuse that we're excusing our behavior. Obviously, we need to take the steps needed in order to heal. But it's not because we're a bad person. It's because we're an adult child and that we grew up in a dysfunctional family. And so this all just takes a lot of time to work through. Right? It's like what that woman said to me when she said, andrea, this is. This is going to be your life's work. And I did not want to hear that answer, but she was right. And so we reflected upon our defects, our survival traits, and now we are going to say the seventh step prior prayer. So there's a few different prayers in here. I'm not going to. I'm just going to read this main one. So it says, God, I am now ready that you should remove from me all my defects of character which block me from accepting your divine love and living with true humility towards others. Renew my strength so I might help myself and others along the path of recovery. So then it has a prayer for. You're supposed to have a separate prayer for each individual defects. This is going to be an ongoing process. This is a process of us taking action as well as asking our higher power to remove this and speak, seeking spiritual guidance. But it's not always on our timeline, unfortunately. And that is where the humility really comes into play, that we need to have the humility that our healing might not happen as fast as we'd like. It to we can't beat ourselves up if we seem to be unable to get rid of a certain behavior. What I think is useful if we continue to do the same destructive, you know, behavior, or we keep having the same character defect pop up. What's helpful for me, instead of beating myself up for the behavior, is to ask myself, what's the payoff here? Because there is always some sort of payoff when we are engaging in destructive behavior. Now, the payoff might not be in reality, but there's some sort of a payoff. So is it reinforcing a faulty belief about myself? Am I acting this way because it reinforces my belief that I am unworthy of love? Or is this an attempt for me to recreate my childhood? Is this giving me the false illusion of control? Or is this behavior a form of avoidance? So is this helping me to avoid feeling a certain feeling? Is this helping me to avoid acknowledging something about myself? If we find ourselves acting in a particular behavior that we find to be detrimental to ourselves, but we keep doing it, we need to ask ourselves, what's the.
- [60:57]
F
The payoff? Because there is one.
- [60:59]
Dax
And so there might be certain behaviors or defects or relationships that we are not entirely ready to have removed from us. Even if we know we should be entirely ready to have these removed. You know, consciously we know that subconsciously, it's a different story. And that can be a really tough place to be in. So I was talking to a friend, a fellow shit show, a few days ago, and she is in a horrible relationship. Like, this guy sucks. I wish I could beat him up. It's an extremely toxic relationship, and she's fully aware of that. She's fully aware that this is toxic, that this isn't going anywhere, that. That this is negatively impacting all aspects of her life, and yet she's not willing to walk away. And she was talking about the shame of that. And boy, do I relate so, so much, knowing that I was in these toxic relationships that was literally destroying me and my life, and yet I wasn't willing to do anything about it. Being able to see that is such.
- [62:16]
F
A painful place to be.
- [62:19]
Dax
And so the. The principle behind step six is willingness. So we may not be willing yet to have these behaviors, these defects removed from us, but as long as we continue to recover and heal, as long as we stay willing to, that we eventually will one day be willing to do what we need to do. And so we don't need to beat the out of ourselves while we're getting ready. And so I've Been thinking a lot lately about the concept of letting go of something completely. So this past weekend, I was with a friend and she was sharing about how her. She's been struggling with body image issues and like, food, food and, and diet and exercise stuff. And she said she was really beating herself up because she said, you know, I thought that I had worked past this. I thought I had let this go, but here it is again. Like, it's so trivial. Like, why can't I just let this go? And it just reminded me of a conversation that I had with my therapist about how some things are just always going to be there. Some things are going to be a part of us. We're going to have certain themes throughout our lives that are going to pop up from time to time. And it's unrealistic to think for some of these things that we're going to get to a place where we're going to completely let it go. Like, take my friend, for example. She's had body image struggles her entire life, and the thought that she's going to be able to erase that completely is kind of unrealistic. And so the discussion shifts from how do I let this go? To how do I cope with this? Or how do I let this go? Just right now, in this moment, realizing that it's okay if it pops up again, you know, and, and when it pops up again, not going, oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I thought that I let this go, but rather, oh yeah, there's that thing again. And I am going to do X, Y and Z to cope with it. So when it comes to certain things and trauma, we can do the work and we can heal, but it's probably not possible that we are never going to be triggered ever again, that our trauma is not going to get triggered ever again. It might be severely less and we have the tools to deal with it. It's sort of like attachment theory, like having an insecure attachment style. There's such a thing as earned, secure attachment. But that doesn't mean that as an anxious, as an anxious attacher, I can do all the, I can do all the attachment recovery work in the world, but there's still going to be some times that my, my attachment style is, is going to be triggered. So it's shifting from what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I make this go away? This is a part of me. I'm allowing space for that within me, and I am just going to learn how to cope with it. And so that's kind of what it means in the step six and seven in the ACA book. So it talks about how most people use, you know, the removal. They try to remove their character defects, whereas with the laundry list traits, they learn how to integrate them, you know. And so this is kind of the understanding that we're not going to be able to get rid of this completely. So we have to learn how to work with it.
- [66:13]
Melody
So in closing, I want to read you this seven step prayer that was written by Melody Beatty and it is in the Codependent no More workbook. It's a little long, but I think it's beautiful. God, I am willing that you take all of me. I surrender myself to your care, body, mind and soul for however long I'm going to be here. I cannot change myself. I've tried for years and made a mess. Your love for me sees past that and I thank you for that. I thank you for everything that's taken me from all the pain I've been in, the confusion, the lack of clarity, to this place where we're entering into an active partnership with you shaping me into who I am to become. I realize I don't have to fear that I'll disappear or lose myself. I understand that this is an act of love on your part to help me find myself and discover who I really am. I pray now that you may take all of me, good and bad, defects and strengths, and use me in your service. I humbly ask that you take my shortcomings and turn me into who you in your omnipotence and wisdom want me to be. I thank you in advance. I also understand that at times this process may not be easy. I do ask for a favor. Sometimes I don't understand things. Please be as gentle as possible with me and show me what I am to do in a way that I understand. Let me feel your loving touch and be assured of your guidance. Turn me into a warrior and a loving person, someone whom you can use in your kingdom to help others heal and to fill your plan for me. I trust you to fill in all the details of how I can best learn. Learn what I'm to learn, change what I'm to change and be of the greatest service to you and others. I thank you for all you've done for me up until now. I thank you in advance for what's coming. Take self, will and fear from me. Take financial insecurity and fear that I cannot take care of myself. Help me to see myself a little bit, at least the way you see me. Keep me on track. Let my will be aligned with yours and remove anything that stands between them. As much as I can. Help me let go of my need to control and be in denial. Give me courage to face the truth. Reveal my purpose to me why I'm here on earth, what you want me to do and who you want me to be. More than anything. Help me let go of desiring and wanting. Help me become an open channel of love all the days of my life. Help me to remember that I'm not here to acquire things in power, but.
- [69:03]
G
To be of loving service.