Podcast Summary: Adult Child Episode: The Intimacy Factor: Overcoming Shame & Setting Boundaries w/ Paul Gilmartin
Host: Andrea
Guest: Paul Gilmartin
Release Date: January 29, 2025

Introduction

In this deeply personal and revealing episode of Adult Child, host Andrea engages in a profound conversation with Paul Gilmartin, the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast. Together, they explore the intricate dynamics of growing up in a dysfunctional family, the pervasive impact of toxic shame, and the transformative journey toward healing intimacy and setting healthy boundaries.

Understanding Functional Freeze and Hyper-Responsibility

Andrea opens the discussion by addressing a common but often overlooked manifestation of trauma: hyper-responsibility or constant over-functioning. She illustrates how what might appear as proactive and reliable behavior is, in reality, a form of functional freeze, where individuals continue to perform and fixate on tasks as a survival mechanism.

Andrea [00:00]: "That hyper responsibility, that constant over functioning that is one of the most overlooked forms of functional freeze."

She emphasizes that this state is not something that can be overcome through mere mindset changes or quick hacks, as it is deeply rooted in the nervous system being stuck in survival mode.

Paul Gilmartin’s Journey: From Trauma to Healing

Paul shares his personal history, detailing his struggle with clinical depression diagnosed in 1999 and his subsequent battle with alcoholism. His candid recounting begins with his realization of the profound impact his dysfunctional upbringing had on his adult life.

Paul Gilmartin [10:58]: "I think only those maybe show up on Apple. Yes. Yeah, the first 94 are held back so I can release this as best of episodes."

Paul delves into the origins of his podcast, highlighting how his own experiences with depression and addiction inspired him to create a platform for unfiltered conversations about mental health and trauma.

Paul Gilmartin [12:37]: "I went off my meds and wanted to kill myself and realized, oh, my God, it's the depression."

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame

Andrea and Paul discuss the concept of toxic shame, distinguishing it from healthy shame. Healthy shame serves as a motivator for positive change, while toxic shame becomes an internalized identity, fostering feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing.

Andrea [08:07]: "Toxic shame is internalized shame, meaning it no longer acts as an emotion, but as an identity. It is the belief that we are wrong, we are unworthy, we are unlovable."

Paul reflects on his own experiences with toxic shame, describing how it affected his self-esteem and relationships.

Paul Gilmartin [14:38]: "I realized that it is possible to have high self esteem, but low self worth. And the way I view it is that self esteem is in the head, while self worth is in the heart and soul."

Healing Journey: Confronting the Past

Paul narrates the pivotal moments in his healing journey, particularly the realization seven years into his sobriety that he needed to address unresolved childhood trauma to sustain his recovery. This led him to attend specialized support groups focused on intimacy disorders and love addiction.

Paul Gilmartin [22:03]: "I was probably sober about seven years, and it presented itself. I had been an unfaithful husband until I got sober."

Through active participation in these groups, Paul began to rebuild intimacy and address the emotional distance that had plagued his marriage and personal relationships.

Setting Boundaries with His Mother

A significant portion of the conversation centers on Paul's challenging relationship with his mother. He recounts instances of emotional incest and inappropriate behaviors that left lasting scars.

Paul Gilmartin [24:58]: "She's taking your temperature rectally when you're eight. You know, it's creepy when she...she broke down and cried to you like you're her therapist."

Paul discusses the arduous process of setting boundaries, culminating in the heartbreaking decision to cut off contact with his mother to preserve his mental and emotional well-being.

Paul Gilmartin [51:58]: "I don't hate you. I'm not angry at you. I just. For my own mental health can't have contact with you and I hope someday you understand."

This decision was facilitated by letters that Paul wrote to his mother, expressing his need for boundaries without condemning her past actions outright.

Paul Gilmartin [52:07]: "She...she didn't have my new address. So you...And then when did you get divorced?"

Impact on Relationships and Intimacy

The episode explores how Paul's unresolved childhood trauma influenced his intimate relationships, particularly his long-term marriage. His journey towards healing enabled him to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections based on mutual respect and emotional intimacy.

Paul Gilmartin [60:12]: "I enjoy monogamy. And that, to me, was a revelation. Sex used to be a thing for power and validation."

Paul shares his success in establishing relationships where he feels validated and respected, highlighting the profound changes that healing from toxic shame can bring.

Paul Gilmartin [67:55]: "That was the biggest fucking miracle and blessing that receiving that message did not change in any respect how I felt about myself."

Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Andrea and Paul underscore the importance of self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, and addressing toxic shame as essential steps toward healing from a dysfunctional upbringing. Paul's story serves as an inspiring testament to the possibility of overcoming deep-seated emotional wounds and fostering genuine, meaningful connections.

Key takeaways include:

• Functional Freeze: Recognizing that over-functioning as a form of freeze is a survival mechanism rooted in trauma.
• Toxic Shame: Understanding the detrimental effects of internalized shame and its impact on self-worth.
• Boundary Setting: The necessity of establishing and maintaining boundaries to protect one's mental and emotional health.
• Healing Intimacy: The transformative power of healing trauma to cultivate healthy, intimate relationships.

Notable Quotes

• Andrea [00:30]: "We tend to think freeze looks like shutdown, like doing nothing. But sometimes freeze looks like doing everything."
• Paul Gilmartin [10:43]: "Thank you. Thanks for having me."
• Paul Gilmartin [16:27]: "I was still able to get in touch with, with anger, but it's not my predominant emotion, whereas it used to be used to drive everything."
• Paul Gilmartin [31:57]: "Feeling shame rather than believing we are shame, you know?"
• Paul Gilmartin [57:05]: "I just shut down. I couldn't wait to leave her apartment."

Conclusion

This episode of Adult Child offers a compelling exploration of the long-term effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family and the arduous journey toward healing. Paul Gilmartin's candid sharing provides listeners with valuable insights into overcoming shame, setting boundaries, and rebuilding intimacy, serving as a beacon of hope for those navigating similar struggles.