Adult Child Podcast – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Unpacking Dysfunctional Family Roles: 3 Sisters, 3 Very Different Childhoods
Host: Andrea
Guests: Kayla Nays (eldest sister, 31), Mariah (middle sister, 29), Jackie (youngest sister, 24)
Date: April 16, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Andrea invites three sisters—Kayla, Mariah, and Jackie—to share their firsthand accounts of growing up in the same dysfunctional, alcoholic family in rural North Dakota. They explore how, despite sharing the same household, each sister developed a unique emotional reality, coping mechanism, and adult trajectory. Their raw, vulnerable conversation touches on childhood chaos, generational trauma, codependency, toxic shame, complex PTSD, and the lifelong journey of healing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. When Did You Realize Your Childhood Affected You?

• Kayla: Always sensed "something was off," particularly when noticing peers had "family vacations" and regular family time, which her family lacked. Realized the depth of dysfunction more upon leaving home and struggling with relationships and codependency.
  Quote [12:24]:
  "I think I always knew there was something off... But I don't think I really realized how bad it was until I was out of the house and started to retaliate or rebel... There's always light bulbs going off as I'm listening to your podcast about all of that, like codependency, ptsd..."
• Mariah: Early awareness came from futile attempts to describe family turmoil to friends whose lives were far more stable. Felt like an outsider from a young age, which developed into a “victim mentality” during college.
  Quote [13:32]:
  "I learned to kind of not talk about some of the stuff that we experienced because they had, like, parents that went to work, had family dinners... It was so unpredictable. It was like riding the bus home—we didn’t know if it was a good night or a bad night."
• Jackie: Bonded with a best friend from another dysfunctional home; they would swap houses depending on which was safer at the time. Was always vocal about the problems, but nothing changed until she sought therapy recently.
  Quote [17:31]:
  "I always just knew. I just never really acted on it, if that makes sense."

2. What Did Dysfunction Look Like?

• Family History of Alcoholism & Trauma: Both parents’ lineages rife with addiction and trauma; paternal grandparents owned bars, contributing to a normalized drinking culture.
• Abuse & Neglect: Physical abuse, mainly witnessed rather than experienced, and profound emotional neglect. Fights often turned violent, typically fueled by alcohol, with money as a recurring theme.
  Quote [20:46] (Kayla):
  "She [mom] crawled into my bed... crying, but obviously drunk... My dad comes charging up the stairs, freaking out... grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to the ground and started kicking her."
• Verbal & Emotional Abuse: More characterized by abandonment and the parents' preoccupation with their own issues, leading to the girls feeling forgotten.
  Quote [23:37] (Kayla):
  "I kind of more relate about the abandonment with you where it's kind of like they were so consumed with their own issues that we were kind of forgotten."
• Alcohol as a Never-Addressed Problem:
  • The health consequences of drinking were acknowledged ("alcohol is killing people"), but stopping or seeking help was never discussed.
  • Alcohol was omnipresent and used to celebrate, commiserate, or simply as a daily activity.
    Quote [28:12] (Mariah):
    "There was a lot of talk of how alcohol was killing people in our family, but it was not discussed to quit drinking or slow down or to fix anything. It was just this sad, somber, overhanging, this is terrible that this is happening, let's drink about it thing."

3. The Role of “Safe Adults” (Grandparents)

• Conflicting Experiences:
  • For Mariah, grandparents were a "saving grace" and source of stability, though she still felt unable to fully share how bad things at home were.
  • Kayla and Jackie saw the grandparents as enablers as much as safe harbors, highlighting the complexity of family dynamics.
  • Jackie was able to confide in her grandfather but felt shut down by her grandmother.
    Quote [31:42] (Mariah):
    "They were like, my saving grace... we would get picked up to go to school from here a lot. It was really nice knowing we'd have a warm, beautiful meal and there would be no yelling." Quote [31:54] (Kayla):
    "My grandparents were enablers to my parents... I did bring up abuse in my household, and it was very nonchalant. 'Oh, it's not that bad. They're okay.'"

4. Childhood Roles & Sibling Dynamics

• Classic Family Roles: Hero (caretaker), scapegoat, lost child, mascot.
  • Kayla: Protective, caretaker (hero role)—distracted her sisters from in-home chaos, felt relief and guilt upon escaping the house after high school.
  • Mariah: Academic achiever, approval-seeker—felt torn between relief and guilt when she left, worried about Jackie.
  • Jackie: Youngest and most isolated after both older sisters left—frequently couch-surfed, lacked a sense of “home,” and became fiercely independent.
    Quote [37:24] (Kayla):
    "I had to make sure that they weren’t hearing or getting involved as much as possible... Let’s distract them and get them playing, but then I'm also going to listen to what's going on downstairs."
• Impact of Leaving:
  • Kayla and Mariah both partied heavily as soon as they found freedom, using alcohol to numb complex feelings; Jackie felt abandoned and had no solid home, leading to risky behavior.
    Quote [42:05] (Jackie):
    "I didn't really have a home, I felt, my whole high school."

5. How Dysfunction Shapes Adult Relationships

• Patterns: All three sisters struggled with romantic relationships, often confusing love and pity and seeking to rescue troubled partners.
  • Kayla entered a marriage with a narcissist before finding healthier love.
  • Mariah acknowledges deep approval-seeking and a freeze response to angry people, still struggles with trusting her own romantic instincts.
  • Jackie gravitated toward relationships with addicts/narcissists and responds to conflict with anger and aggression.
• Quotes:
  • Kayla [46:00]: "We become addicted to excitement and we confuse love and pity and tend to love people we can pity and rescue."
  • Mariah [52:25]: "I am an approval seeker... I have to check myself—am I doing this because I want to or because I think people will like me for it?"
  • Jackie [53:12]: "Pretty much every substantial relationship I've had has been either an alcoholic, somebody that's addicted to drugs, or somebody that's severely narcissistic."

6. Current Relationships with Parents

• Kayla: Chooses limited contact with her father and accepts her parents as they are, focusing on her own healing and boundaries.
  Quote [57:33]:
  "I don't want to be close to him... it's not out of anger anymore, it's just a choice that I made for myself."
• Jackie: Is friendly but emotionally distant from both parents, especially her father; maintains regular contact with her mom, who is more of a peer than a parent.
  Quote [58:34]:
  "My mom has been just like more of a best friend than really, like, a nurturing mother."
• Mariah: Currently lives with both parents in their grandparents' former house as a form of closure and spiritual reconnection. She is grateful her father is no longer abusive but still finds active drinking in the household triggering.
  Quote [59:30]:
  "It's been really beautiful getting closer with mom... but tonight was one of those nights where I came home, and they're both very, very drunk, and dad was drooling, sitting up, sleeping."

7. Final Thoughts & Memorable Moments

• Collective Healing: The conversation itself was unexpectedly cathartic for the sisters. Quote [62:50] (Kayla):
  "This has been oddly healing. That's all I have to say. I think I can skip a meditation tonight."
• Humor Amidst Pain: The sisters recount, almost laughing, how the entire family got a DUI within a year, reflecting on how normalized dangerous behavior was in their small town. Quote [63:08] (Mariah):
  "Remember that fun year where every single one of us in our family got a DUI within a year."
• Small-Town Culture: Adult alcoholism and legal trouble (DUIs) were seen as a rite of passage rather than a crisis.

Notable Quotes & Moments (With Timestamps)

• "Those who break the cycle and those who repeat it."
  • Andrea opens [01:26]
• "There’s a unique kind of grief that comes with realizing you might never get the validation or connection that you longed for from your sibling."
  • Andrea [09:38]
• "We were always team mom... it was so damaging to see mom as, like, the hero and the right one, when really neither parent was very healthy."
  • Mariah [25:51]
• "Growing up, too, my mom has been just more of a best friend than a nurturing mother."
  • Jackie [58:34]
• "Tonight was one of those nights where I came home, and they’re both very, very drunk, and dad was drooling, sitting up, sleeping."
  • Mariah [59:30]
• "Every single one of us in our family got a DUI within a year... Like, that should be in a Guinness Book of world records."
  • Mariah [63:08]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [11:07] – Introductions: Sisters introduce themselves (Kayla, Mariah, Jackie)
• [12:04] – When did you realize you were affected by your upbringing?
• [18:36] – What did your dysfunctional family look like?
• [23:31] – Verbal & emotional abuse; sense of abandonment
• [25:51] – The parentification and “team mom” dynamic
• [31:42] – Grandparents’ influence and conflicting perspectives
• [36:46] – Discussing family roles and how they shifted over time
• [42:05] – How the sisters coped after the oldest left home
• [46:00] – Adult consequences: Relationship, rescue, and codependency patterns (the "laundry list" traits)
• [54:43] – Family today: Each sister's current relationship with parents
• [62:50] – Final reflections and family-wide DUIs
• [63:54] – Small town culture and normalization of dysfunction

Takeaways

• Siblings can have vastly different experiences and recollections despite a shared dysfunctional environment. Each forms distinct survival strategies and emotional truths.
• The legacy of unaddressed trauma is persistent, but healing is possible. All three sisters are in various stages of breaking the cycle; therapy, self-reflection, and boundaries are key.
• Adult children of dysfunctional families often replicate—until they actively work to heal—the relationship dynamics they grew up observing.
• There is quiet resilience and even humor in facing the pain together. Sharing the burden lightens it, and finding community—within family or chosen circles—is crucial.

For listeners navigating similar sibling dynamics or working through their own family legacies, this episode is a reminder: your pain, your story, and your healing are valid—even if your siblings’ memories look nothing like your own.