Podcast
After the Affair
Hosted by Luke Shillings · EN
The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.
29episodes
Episodes
Newest firstAll episodes
189. Does This Really Justify the Affair? - When They Won’t Let Go of Their Story
2w ago00:12:45Tap to summarizeWhat happens when the person who betrayed you rewrites the relationship to justify what they did… and truly believes it? After infidelity, many betrayed partners are faced with a deeply confusing experience: their partner begins describing the relationship as “always bad,” “unfulfilling,” or “broken”, even when that doesn’t match the reality you lived. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke explores why this happens, what it means psychologically, and why it can feel so destabilising. This isn’t always about manipulation, it’s often a defence mechanism designed to reduce guilt, shame, and internal conflict. But when one partner holds onto a rigid narrative, it creates a serious challenge for repair. This episode will help you understand: Why people rewrite the relationship after an affair How self-justifying narratives form and become “truth” The role of shame, guilt, and identity protection in betrayal Why differing versions of reality make reconciliation difficult Whether it’s possible for someone to step outside their story, and what it takes How to stay anchored in your own experience without needing their validation If you feel like your reality is being questioned, minimised, or rewritten after betrayal, this episode will help you regain clarity and confidence in your own perspective. Key Takeaways Rewriting the relationship after an affair is often a psychological protection mechanism, not always intentional manipulation These narratives help reduce internal conflict between “I’m a good person” and harmful behaviour Repeated stories can become deeply believed, even if they are distorted or incomplete True relationship repair requires both ownership and a shared understanding of reality Waiting for your partner to “see it properly” can keep you stuck Your clarity and healing do not depend on their narrative changing If you’re struggling with confusion, self-doubt, or feeling like your reality is being challenged after betrayal, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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188. Why Infidelity Recovery Advice Is Failing You - You Need a Better System
3w ago00:17:18Tap to summarizeWhy does so much infidelity recovery advice leave you feeling worse instead of better? “Process your feelings.” “Communicate better.” “Decide whether to stay or leave.” These are some of the most common pieces of advice given after betrayal, but when your nervous system is overwhelmed, and your mind is stuck in survival mode, this advice can feel impossible to follow. In this episode of After the Affair, Luke breaks down why traditional betrayal recovery advice often misses the mark and what actually needs to happen first. Healing after infidelity is not about forcing clarity while emotionally activated. It begins with understanding the internal system driving your thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and reactions. This episode explores the difference between your emotional and logical systems, how betrayal hijacks your sense of self, and the practical framework Luke uses with his private coaching clients to help them interrupt emotional spirals and rebuild trust in themselves. If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or like you’re constantly reacting instead of healing, this episode will help you understand why, and what to do next. Key Takeaways Why “process your feelings” often feels impossible after betrayal The problem with making major relationship decisions while emotionally activated The difference between your emotional system and your logical system How betrayal creates internal conflict and damages self-trust The Trigger → Thought → Feeling → Behaviour → Result loop Why the pause between emotion and reaction is where healing begins How “Emotion → Pause → Choose” creates lasting change in betrayal recovery If you’re navigating betrayal and feel emotionally exhausted, stuck in overthinking, or unsure how to stop the spiral, you do not have to do this alone. The work is not just about surviving betrayal, it’s about rebuilding trust in yourself. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Transcribe →187. You Thought Leaving Would Fix Everything… But It Didn’t - Pt 4 of 4
4w ago00:11:50Tap to summarizeDoes leaving a relationship after infidelity actually make things better? Many people believe that once they leave, the pain will ease, that distance will bring clarity, relief, and emotional freedom. But what often follows is something very different. In this episode of After the Affair, we explore the reality of what happens after you leave a relationship affected by betrayal. Why do the thoughts, emotions, and confusion remain? Why can you still feel stuck, even after making a decision you thought would help? This episode breaks down: Why leaving after cheating doesn’t automatically resolve emotional pain The difference between changing your circumstances and processing betrayal trauma Why you may still feel connected, confused, or unsettled after separation The hidden emotional work that begins after the relationship ends A simple, practical tool to help you navigate difficult thoughts and feelings in real time If you’ve left a relationship after infidelity and are wondering why you don’t feel the relief you expected, this episode will help you understand what’s really happening, and how to begin moving forward in a more grounded and intentional way. Key Takeaways Leaving a relationship after infidelity creates space—but it doesn’t automatically heal the emotional impact Feeling stuck after leaving doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision The pain you experience after betrayal is internal and requires processing, not just distance Healing involves learning how to respond to your thoughts and emotions, not escape them The “Name It. Allow It. Choose It.” tool can help you navigate overwhelming moments with more awareness and control Support and shared understanding are essential when moving through the post-separation stage If you’ve left the relationship but still feel stuck, confused, or emotionally overwhelmed… you don’t have to work through this on your own. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Transcribe →186. When They Move On… And You’re Still Processing - Pt 3 of 4
Apr 1500:10:22Tap to summarizeWhat does it mean when your partner moves on… but you’re still trying to process the betrayal? After infidelity, healing doesn’t follow a shared timeline. While one person may appear to move forward quickly, entering a new relationship or embracing a new chapter, the other can feel left behind, still working through the emotional impact of what happened. In this episode of After the Affair, we explore the deeply challenging experience of seeing your partner move on while you’re still processing betrayal trauma. You’ll learn why this can feel so triggering, how comparison and self-doubt can take hold, and why your pace of healing is not a reflection of weakness, but a sign of deeper emotional work. This episode will help you: Understand why it hurts when your ex moves on after infidelity Navigate feelings of comparison, rejection, and being “left behind” Break free from the belief that their behaviour reflects your worth Recognise the difference between moving on and actually healing Find grounded ways to refocus on your own recovery and emotional stability If you’re struggling with thoughts like “Why are they okay and I’m not?” or “Did I ever really matter?”, this episode will help you reframe what’s happening and support you in moving forward at your own pace. Key Takeaways Healing after betrayal happens at different speeds—and faster doesn’t mean better Seeing your partner move on can trigger comparison, self-doubt, and painful assumptions Thoughts like “I’ve been replaced” are interpretations, not facts Moving on quickly can sometimes be a form of avoidance, not resolution Feeling like you’re “behind” is often a sign that you’re doing deeper emotional work Support and shared understanding are key to navigating this stage without isolation If you’re struggling with comparison, self-doubt, or the loneliness that comes when your partner moves on before you’re ready, you don’t have to face it alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Transcribe →185. When You Leave… But Still Love Them - Pt 2 of 4
Apr 800:10:24Tap to summarizeWhat happens when you leave a relationship after infidelity… but you still love them? For many betrayed partners, the decision to walk away isn’t as clear-cut as it might seem. You may still feel love, attachment, and connection, while also knowing that staying no longer feels safe or aligned. This creates a deeply confusing and often isolating emotional experience. In this episode of After the Affair, we explore what it really means to leave a relationship after cheating, while still having feelings for your partner. You’ll learn why love and safety can become disconnected after betrayal, how to navigate the emotional conflict that follows, and why missing them doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. This episode will help you: Understand why leaving a relationship after infidelity can feel so emotionally complex Navigate feelings of love, grief, and doubt after separation Recognise the difference between emotional attachment and emotional safety Make sense of the loneliness that often follows leaving Begin rebuilding self-trust and emotional stability If you’re struggling with whether you made the right decision after betrayal, or you feel stuck between love and reality, this episode will give you clarity, reassurance, and a sense of direction. Key Takeaways You can still love someone and recognise that the relationship is no longer right for you After infidelity, love and emotional safety can become disconnected Feeling drawn back to your partner after leaving is often about familiarity, not alignment Doubt and second-guessing are normal, especially when strong emotions are still present Healing after leaving requires support, especially when you feel isolated or misunderstood If you’re navigating life after betrayal and feeling stuck between love and letting go, you don’t have to do it alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Transcribe →184. It Didn’t Work Out Like I Thought It Would - Pt 1 of 4
Apr 100:12:05Tap to summarizeCan a relationship really recover after infidelity… or is there a point where you start to realise it won’t? After betrayal, many people hold onto hope that things can be repaired, that with enough effort, communication, and time, the relationship will begin to feel safe again. But what happens when that hope starts to fade? In this episode of After the Affair, we explore the emotional turning point that many betrayed partners face: the quiet, often confusing realisation that despite everything you’ve tried… the relationship may not work out the way you expected. This episode will help you understand: Why this shift happens after cheating How to navigate the emotional conflict between hope and acceptance The grief of letting go of the future you imagined Why clarity after betrayal is not failure If you’re struggling to decide whether to stay or leave after infidelity, or you’re beginning to feel that your relationship isn’t recovering the way you hoped, this episode will give you language, perspective, and reassurance. Key Takeaways The realisation that a relationship may not recover after infidelity often happens gradually, not all at once There is a difference between working on the relationship and holding onto hope that no longer feels aligned You can feel love, attachment, and doubt at the same time, this internal conflict is normal The grief after betrayal includes not just the relationship, but the future you believed in Clarity in deciding whether a relationship can continue is not failure, it’s a step towards self-trust If you’re navigating the aftermath of infidelity and struggling with whether your relationship can truly recover, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Transcribe →183. “It Meant Nothing” Why That Doesn’t Make Betrayal Easier
Mar 2500:09:57Tap to summarize“It meant nothing.” It’s a phrase often said after betrayal, usually with the intention of reassuring a partner. But for many people, it doesn’t bring comfort, it creates confusion. Because if it truly meant nothing… why does it hurt so much? In this episode, Luke explores the disconnect between intention and impact, and why this explanation often feels incomplete to the betrayed partner. He breaks down the difference between what something means to the person who did it, and how it is experienced by the person it affects. By looking beyond the phrase itself and exploring the deeper layers underneath, this episode offers a more grounded and honest way to understand betrayal, and what’s required to rebuild clarity, safety, and trust. Key Takeaways Why the phrase “it meant nothing” is often intended to reassure, but can create more confusion The difference between intention and impact in betrayal Why behaviour can feel “meaningless” to one person, but deeply significant to another What this explanation may overlook about boundaries, awareness, and emotional needs How understanding the deeper meaning behind behaviour supports healing and trust Work With Me If you’re struggling to make sense of what happened in your relationship, or feeling stuck on explanations that never quite landed, you don’t have to navigate that alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Transcribe →182. It Just Happened. The Myth of the Sudden Affair
Mar 1800:10:47Tap to summarizeWhen someone tries to explain a betrayal, one phrase often comes up: “It just happened.” But for the betrayed partner, this explanation rarely brings clarity or peace. Instead, it often creates more confusion. How can something so painful and life-altering simply “happen”? In this episode, Luke explores why this phrase is so common after infidelity and why it often feels unsatisfying to the person who was betrayed. He explains how affairs rarely begin with a single moment of betrayal, but instead develop gradually through small shifts in boundaries, emotional connection, and attention. By understanding the process that leads up to betrayal, couples can move beyond vague explanations and start addressing the deeper patterns that matter for rebuilding trust and safety. Key Takeaways Why the phrase “it just happened” often leaves betrayed partners feeling unsettled How affairs usually develop through a gradual erosion of boundaries rather than a single moment The role emotional intimacy, attention, and validation can play in the progression toward betrayal Why understanding the process behind betrayal is more important than focusing on the final moment How deeper awareness can help rebuild trust and prevent the same patterns from repeating Work With Me If you’re struggling to understand how betrayal happened in your relationship or finding that the past still feels unresolved months or years later, coaching can help you explore those questions with clarity and support. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
Transcribe →181. I Was Drunk… It Would Never Have Happened Sober. The Truth About Alcohol and Betrayal
Mar 1100:11:50Tap to summarizeAlcohol is one of the most common explanations given after betrayal. But does alcohol actually cause infidelity, or does it simply remove the inhibition that normally prevents certain behaviours? In this episode, Luke explores the role alcohol can play in betrayal, why the explanation often feels incomplete to betrayed partners, and what conversations actually rebuild safety and trust. Key Takeaways Why alcohol lowers inhibition but doesn’t create values The difference between explanation and responsibility Why the alcohol explanation can leave betrayal feeling unresolved The deeper questions couples need to explore after infidelity How understanding and growth rebuild trust Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity
Transcribe →180. If You Feel Stuck After Betrayal… This Is For You
Mar 400:10:51Tap to summarizeAfter betrayal, many people feel pressured to decide quickly, whether to stay, leave, forgive or move on. But what if feeling stuck isn’t failure? What if it’s part of growth? In this episode, Luke explores why discomfort is not a problem to eliminate but a sign of expansion. He explains why slowing down may be the most powerful step forward and how rebuilding self-trust sometimes requires someone to “hold the torch” until you’re ready to carry it yourself. Key Takeaways: Why discomfort after betrayal is normal and healthy The danger of making decisions from relief-seeking Why feeling stuck doesn’t mean you’re broken The power of slowing down during emotional overwhelm How self-trust is rebuilt gradually, not forcefully Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
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