Maya Shankar (53:46)
Okay. I started off saying that as I was writing this book, my husband Jimmy and I were going through a tough period with heartbreaks and obstacles and disappointments when it came to starting a family. And when I. The genesis for the podcast was an emptiness and a void that I felt in my life that I wanted to fill with something after the first miscarriage. And then about a year and a half later, we found out that our surrogate was pregnant with identical twins. Identical twin girls. And we were just over the moon and so delighted. And then our surrogate miscarried again. And I just want to share two things about that in terms of lessons and values that I've learned. So the first thing is that on the night of the second miscarriage, it was particularly challenging because we had just seen healthy, beating hearts a couple hours earlier. So it was just a total roller coaster of a day where we were like, oh, my God, this is amazing news, and it's finally happening for us. And then, oh, my gosh. No, it's not. And I was just in. I was laying in bed, and my husband Jimmy comes over, and he's like, hey, Mayi. May is his pet name for me. He's like, mayi, let's just say a few things that we're grateful for. And I was like, bro, hell nah. Okay? You take your Instagram bs, You go over to that corner with your toxic positivity, you do the gratitude exercise. You have a beer with Mitch McConnell. I'm not doing that, okay? It's so jarring, and I feel like crap, and so I'm just gonna stare under the covers. But he was very cute and earnest about it, and I was like, okay, fine. I'll just get him off my back if I do this. And so I started. My list started to flow out of me. I said, I'm really grateful to be an aunt to my six nieces and nephews. I'm so grateful for my Zoom workouts with my trainer Matt, who I have philosophical discussions with, and we talk about the Bachelor. I am so grateful that I've worked with the same people for, like, 15 years. How lucky am I that I get to work with my best friends? I'm grateful for the California rays, how strong the sun is when you wake up in the morning. Like there were many. So, so much to be grateful for in my life. And I remember saying, also, I'm so grateful for a slight change of plans. I literally get to go into my apartment closet and connect with someone from around the world about this incredible story of change and what happened in engaging in this exercise, which is called the self affirmation exercise. My husband's a software engineer. He did this unknowingly. But basically what you do is you identify all the things that bring your life meaning and purpose that are not threatened by the change you're going through. So if you're in a tough spot in your relationship, you might focus on your spiritual life, or if you are having a tough spot in your relationship, you focus on how much value you get from work. And what that did for me in that moment is it made me realize that I had been so laser focused on my dream of becoming a mom, that I had developed tunnel vision. I had completely lost sight of how otherwise rich and dimensional and full of meaning and joy my life was. And it was so valuable for me to take that camera lens that was so zoomed in, it was blurry. At this point you couldn't see anything and just like zoom out a lot and say, oh my God, your whole identity has not been threatened by this loss. You are still very much Maya with so much joy to live for. And did I go to bed like happy that night? Of course not. But I went to bed feeling a bit more whole. And I think that was a very valuable lesson about identity. And then the final, the second thing I wanted to say in the two part lecture series is that one thing I discovered. So I talk about change as revelation in this book. So when a really negative thing happens to us, it can feel like an apocalypse. And there's something interesting about the meaning of the word apocalypse, which is that it comes from the Greek word apokalypsis, which actually means revelation. And so that etymology is instructive. Change can upend us, yes, but it can also reveal things to us. And what losing, what the pregnancy losses revealed to me was I had placed so much of my self worth in becoming a mom. And I think cultural forces played a really big role. But it really felt like if I did not achieve this goal that society told me was identity defining, I could never live a fulfilling, happy, meaningful life. There's this Sheila Heady quote that's like, if you don't have children, people wonder what your meaning is and wonder if you have any meaning at all. And there's a particular stigma reserved for child free women. I'm a child free cat free woman. J.D. vance. Okay. And, and so I just remember that if you had asked me in the moment when I'm under the covers when Jimmy's asking me this incredibly annoying question about being grateful, if you'd asked me in that moment, like, maya, will anything good ever come from this? I would have been like, no. Will you ever feel truly fulfilled in life if you don't have children? I would have said no. And yet here I am, like three or so years later, I am child free and I am the happiest, calmest, most peaceful, joyful version of myself. And I never saw that coming. It was a transformation that was occurring kind of subconsciously. And I, and I credit the people that I interviewed for the book for giving me the kind of wisdom that I needed to get there, to first of all recognize that I had this unhealthy identity, attachment to motherhood, and to challenge to understand where did it come from? Why do I believe this? Why is it problematic? But then also to learn so many other valuable lessons about what it means to live a rich life even when life doesn't go according to plan. And so I am so grateful for the personal evolution that I experienced. It was such an unexpected part of the journey. I do write about it in the final chapter, but the gains have continued far beyond when I had to submit this for publication. Like, I continue to derive so much meaning and value from those stories. And so, yeah, that was a, it was a wonderful belief to have challenged Maya Shucker. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Michael. Hey, I hope you enjoyed this special live episode of A Slight Change of Plans. You can find my book the Other side of Change in the episode notes or@changewithmaya.com book and exciting news. We recently learned that the Other side of Change is an instant New York Times bestseller. If this is your first time listening to the show, welcome. We are so happy you're here. If you want to get caught up, check out the special link in our show notes for what I'm calling the Slight Change of Plan starter pack. It's a list of some of my favorite episodes that we've aired and features a great mix of incredible stories and practical, cutting edge science that I think you're gonna love. We'll be back in a week with another episode of A Slight Change of Plans See you then. A Slight Change of Plans is created, written and executive produced by me, Maya Shankar. The Slight Change family in includes our showrunner Alexandra Garriton, our lead producer Megan Lubin, our associate producer Sonja Gerwitt, and our sound engineer, Erica Huang. Luis Guerra wrote our delightful theme song and Ginger Smith helped arrange the vocals. Special thanks to Daphne Chen for her editorial support of this episode. A Slight Change of Plans is a production of Pushkin Industries. So big thanks to everyone, everyone there. And of course a very special thanks to Jimmy Lee.