AEE 2398: How to Choose Your Words for Connection with Marcy Axelrod

Summary

All Ears English Podcast Episode 2398: How to Choose Your Words for Connection with Marcy Axelrod

Hosts: Lindsay McMahon and Michelle Kaplan
Featured Guest: Marcy Axelrod
Release Date: April 28, 2025
Location: Denver, Colorado, USA

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Introduction

In Episode 2398 of the All Ears English Podcast, hosts Lindsay McMahon and Michelle Kaplan delve into the profound impact of word choice on building connections with others. Featuring Marcy Axelrod, a bestselling and award-winning author, the episode explores how selecting the right words can foster deeper relationships and enhance communication in everyday interactions.

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Guest Introduction

Lindsay introduces Marcy Axelrod, highlighting her impressive credentials:

“Marcy Axelrod is a bestselling author, award-winning author, TV contributor, two-time TEDx speaker, and a management consultant. Her latest book, How We Choose to Show Up, is a number one Amazon bestseller and recently received the Hayakawa Book Prize.” (02:20)

Marcy’s expertise lies in understanding the nuances of language and its role in human connection, a subject she has extensively researched and authored on.

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Main Discussion

1. The Power of "Do" vs. "Can"

Lindsay poses a critical question to Marcy:

“What are two key ways that we can bring people together, become closer to people, more connected by choosing different English words.” (03:06)

Marcy emphasizes the transformative power of word choice, particularly the shift from using "can" to "do":

“Using the word 'do' instead of 'can' seeds our agency and puts us on the same side of the table. It turns us into a team.” (03:50)

She illustrates this with an example:

“How can we do it?” questions the possibility and separates, while “How do we do this?” implies capability and teamwork. (03:50)

Lindsay seeks clarification:

“So, you're saying that 'how can we do this?' puts us further from our goal, making it more objective and less human?” (04:13)

Marcy confirms:

“Yes, it makes us capable and gives us agency, putting us in the process and the flow.” (04:55)

2. Connecting Through Prepositions: "With and For" vs. "To"

Marcy introduces her second key tip:

“Doing something 'with and for' others, as opposed to 'to' others, is a powerful way to connect.” (06:52)

She explains that using "with and for" fosters a human-to-human relational approach:

“It shows care and brings people together, aligning with a broader purpose.” (07:53)

Lindsay paraphrases:

“Instead of saying 'showing up to a meeting,' saying 'showing up for someone's presentation' implies support and collaboration.” (07:53)

Marcy adds:

“It brings meaning, significance, and care, which changes the energy and fulfillment of the interaction.” (09:07)

3. Personal Journey and Inspiration

Marcy shares her personal story, revealing the roots of her passion for language:

“When I was six, I lost the ability to speak and started to stutter. This forced me to become highly conscious of each word I chose.” (10:17)

She describes words as:

“Words became diamonds” during her challenging experience, highlighting the precision and care required in communication. (11:21)

4. Practical Applications and Final Advice

Marcy offers actionable advice for listeners to integrate these concepts into daily life:

“Recognize that you are impacting the world at every moment. Taking a few deep breaths can reset your energy and enhance your word choices.” (12:59)

She references research by Nicholas Christakis:

“A stranger is 45% more likely to think, feel, and act the way you do. This impact flows through society, affecting multiple layers of interaction.” (14:04)

Lindsay connects this to American cultural tendencies:

“In a culture obsessed with productivity, practices like deep breathing and meaningful interaction can counterbalance the 'get it done' mindset.” (15:34)

Marcy concludes with a holistic approach:

“Feel care within yourself, and the shift to 'with and for' and 'doing' rather than 'can' will naturally emerge.” (11:48)

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Lindsay encouraging listeners to adopt the discussed practices:

“Start with relaxation practices, connect with the earth, and let your language choices reflect your inner care.” (16:04)

Marcy provides her online resource for further learning:

“Visit choosetoshowup.com” (16:30)

Lindsay thanks Marcy for her insightful contributions, reinforcing the podcast’s theme:

“Thank you for challenging us to think in a different way. We hope to have you back soon.” (16:48)

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Key Takeaways

1. Choose "Do" Over "Can": Shifting from “how can we” to “how do we” fosters teamwork and a sense of capability.
2. Use "With and For" Instead of "To": This prepositional change enhances relational connections and conveys care.
3. Be Mindful of Your Impact: Recognize that your behavior and word choices influence others more profoundly than you might realize.
4. Incorporate Relaxation Practices: Techniques like deep breathing can help align your language with your genuine intentions.

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Further Resources

• Marcy Axelrod’s Website: choosetoshowup.com

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By consciously selecting words that emphasize agency, collaboration, and care, listeners are empowered to build stronger, more meaningful connections in their personal and professional lives.

Transcript

[Lindsay McMahon]

This is an All Ears English podcast. Episode 2398 how to choose your words for connection with Marcy Axelrod. Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast. Downloaded more than 200 million times. We believe in connection, not perfection. With your American host, Lindsay McMahon and today's featured guest coming to you from Denver, Colorado, USA. And and to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com forward slube did you know that certain words can dramatically increase our level of connection more than others? Today, our guest Marcy Axelrod challenges us to think beyond the mechanics of English and into understanding the impact, engagement and implication of our word choices. Listen in today.

[N/A]

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[Lindsay McMahon]

Hello Marcy, welcome to Allers English. How are you today?

[Marcy Axelrod]

I am terrific, Lindsay. Thanks so much for having me.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes, absolutely. I am glad you're here and we love having guests on the show. So I'm going to take a minute and introduce you to our audience. So listeners, today I have Marcy Axelrod on the show who is a best selling author and award winning author.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

TV contributor and two times a TEDx speaker and a man management consultant. Her latest book, How we choose to show up is a number one Amazon bestseller and was recently awarded the Hayakawa Book Prize. Marcy's been interviewed in Forbes, Psychology Today and the Marketing Journal, among other top media publications. Marcy, welcome again to the show.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Thank you so much.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, I'm glad you're here. And I'm not surprised that this material is becoming popular. You know, the material that you're working on has become popular because we are trying to be a more conscious culture, broadly speaking, wouldn't you agree? We're kind of coming to a moment of being more conscious of our word choices.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Oh, absolutely.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So, Marcy, we are in a moment where a lot of people are choosing their words differently. And I love that. And I love that you've, you've got this research that you've been doing and this thinking you've been doing on this topic. So, Marcy, here's the Key question for today. What are two key ways that we can build, bring people together, become closer to people, more connected? By choosing different English words.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Yeah. So, Lindsay, I love that you said the word can, because I think there's a huge difference in bringing someone close to you by using the word do. Let me give you a quick example. So how can we do it? That really is asking, how is it possible? How is it permitted? And this really seeds our agency. It takes away our power. And the moment we say, how do we do this? Now all of a sudden we're together. And really importantly, Lindsay, we're on the same side of the table. So now we become a team with how do we do this versus how can we.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Interesting. So just to recap, just to make sure I'm fully understanding, so you're saying that when we choose, how can we do this? Any goal, anything we want to achieve, it puts us further from our goal. Does it separate us from what we're trying to achieve? It makes it more objective and less human. Is that what you mean?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Talks about our ability being can we or can't we? Right. Is it something that's possible? So in doing that, it puts into question, okay, whether it can be done, which is so different than just here we are as a team, capable. How do we do this?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. So it kind of lines up our old systems in our mind around success and failure. Maybe things we learned in school that can you do it or can you not do it? Instead, how do we do this? Sort of implies, yes, it will happen, and we're just do. Making slight changes to connect better. Is that right?

[Marcy Axelrod]

That's exactly right. It makes us capable, and it gives us agency, it gives us power, and really importantly, it puts us in the doing. So now we're in the process, we're in the flow. We've already got it going.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, I love that. And so, I mean, that is one of the ways we do this, right, to build connection is by choosing, maybe looking at choosing instead of how can we. We ask, how do we. Right. And then we are on the right path. Are there any other example scenarios or situations where we might choose do instead of can? Marcy, Anything. You can think of everyday scenarios at work, at a party. Where does this show up?

[Marcy Axelrod]

You know, it really shows up anywhere. We're trying to achieve something. Right. With a team. How do we get this done? When you are parenting a child, let's say a child wants an extra cookie, that's very much of a canned thing. But when you truly ask, you Know, how do we make good choices to be a healthy person? We bring in something that's meaningful, that brings people together, that puts us on the same side of the. Of the table. That is where do really does us a great service. Far more than Ken.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I love this, and I love this for our listeners to be thinking on this level. A lot of our listeners have learned English their entire lives and we've studied grammar. Right. And we've memorized rules. And now it's the perfect time to make these strategic choices and to know what they actually mean and how they impact our level of connection. So good. Okay, so we've gotten a hint so far. Our first tip was using how do we do something? Instead of how can we do it? Set it up as something that will inevitably be able to do. And we're in the process of getting there. What would be your second tip, Marcy?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Yeah, so my second tip is one that I feel is really powerful to connect people, which is doing something with and for others, as opposed to two others.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay.

[Marcy Axelrod]

When you're at work, for example, are you showing up to the meeting where, you know, John's going to be there and Jane's gonna. Gonna be there, or are you showing up to the people or to the purpose or, or I'm. I'm sorry, with the people. For the people and maybe with and for the broader purpose of what's going on.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I like it. That's interesting. So the idea of maybe instead of saying showing up to a meeting or showing up at a meeting, which is what we might typically say, instead showing up for someone's presentation at a meeting. So it's. You're implying that you're there to support someone or collaborate with them. In our choice of prepositions here, yes.

[Marcy Axelrod]

It is much more of a human to human relational way of being and way of thinking. To be with and for as opposed to being. Two, two, two is a, is a this, while four really intertwines and I guess crucially the word here is care. It shows care. Lindsay.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes.

[Marcy Axelrod]

With and to show up for what.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Would be another context where this would make sense and it would actually truly impact the connection moment. Is there another example sentence or context?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Let's think about dinner. Are you showing up to the dinner? Is it to the meal? Or are you showing up with and for a meaningful experience with the person, with the nutrition, with the food, with the environment?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, it does make it feel I'm going to show up to dinner at 8pm it feels more of a scheduled thing, a Black and white thing. Yeah, a thing. As opposed to I'm. I'm showing up for dinner. It implies a bit of. A bit more connection. There's something happening here with these people. Is that what you're saying?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Yeah. It brings meaning, it brings significance, it brings care. And when you think in these words, your energy will show up differently because it'll show up consistent with the. The greater fulfillment, the greater impact of that event or being with and for that person.

[N/A]

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[Lindsay McMahon]

Interesting. I'm curious, Marcy, how did you get into this line of study? You know, this area of interest? Was there, like a moment or. Yeah. Tell us a little bit more about. Because this is definitely going to be different for our listeners, a different way of looking at language, and we're going to help our listeners realize we have choices here in the words we choose.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Yeah. I mean, this is. This is my life's work. This is 300 pages. Is, you know about it. Yeah. So the. The starting point, you know, when I was six, I lost the ability to speak.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Started to stutter. And at that point, I became this endless and avid disciple of how are others showing up? How does language serve us?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So it was that. That moment in life where you had to become very conscious of each word you were choosing at that time. And the effect of each word, every.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Word had to be the absolute most precise, best choice because I wasn't going to get many out. And it was going to be this unbelievably painful experience, not just for me, but for everybody around.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Interesting. Yeah.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Words became diamonds.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Very inspiring experience. Right. I can't imagine anything more important than something like that to change the way we think. I love it. So, Marcy, do you have any final pieces of advice on how. How we do this? Right. How do we do this? How do we build. Look, I made that correction. Love it. How do we. How do we do this? How do we build connection through language broadly? Anything you'd like to leave our listeners with today?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Well, definitely switch to, with and for instead of to. But essentially, I think a natural switch will take place when you elicit your own circuits for care within yourself. Because language lives within us and outside of us. It lives all around. And to a certain extent, how we flow through the world is a language. So what I would say is feel within yourself that care. And hopefully naturally, the with and for and the and the doing as opposed to canning, will show up with and for you.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I love that approach. It's, it's, you know, it's not forcing ourselves to replace this word with that word and oh, no, I did it wrong. And now we're berating ourselves. No, that's not what we're looking for. It's almost like it starts with. And tell me a little bit more about the listening, the care. Are there certain practices? I mean, for me, meditation comes to mind.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

One thing. Are there practices we can do on a daily basis to make sure our language starts to permeate with more care? In a sense, absolutely.

[Marcy Axelrod]

So one of the number one things that you can do is to recognize as you kind of get things done in this like, just show up mode, that you are impacting the world at every moment. And everyone who's with you, and I mean, a stranger walking by feels the energy with which you show up and is 45% more likely to repeat what you do, what you say and how you do it. So know your impact. And if you want to show care, reset yourself, and just a few deep breaths will go really far.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Telling our nervous system we're not in any danger, we're not running from the tiger quote, unquote. Where did that quote come from? Was that from your research? The 45. That stat. The 45%.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Okay. Nicholas Christakis, professor at Yale now background at Harvard, he's the one who did this research and showed how our behavior flows through society. And it goes actually three people deep.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, so. And can you say that again one more time, because I feel like it's very profound and it. It is essentially what we're saying today. A stranger is what? So as I pass a stranger in the streets of New York City, which I know, you live in New York, right? Yes.

[Marcy Axelrod]

They're 45% more likely to think, feel, and act the way that you do.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Wow, that is so profound.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Can I go a second level deep? That person now goes to work, and the. The colleague next to them who they have a short chat with is 25% more likely to think, feel, and act the way that you do. And then they go home to their daughter. So that stranger's colleague's daughter is 10% more likely to think, feel, and act the way that you did. So know your impact. It's a big part of the truth about how humans are designed to show up. We're designed to interweave and to impact each other.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Wow, that is so profound. And in American culture, at least, we live in a culture that is obsessed with productivity to do lists, getting things done, kind of plowing through our days. So a sense, in a sense, what we're talking about here is really swimming upstream. And I think it comes down to practices of deep breathing. If we feel stressed, what do we do in that moment? You know, call a friend if we feel stressed instead of going back to that to do list and banging it out. Right. That's the key that starts there. And then we get to the language changes. Isn't that right, Marcy? I love it.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right. When you truly show up for yourself, instead of that get it done mode, which I call just showing up, when, when you are able to be in your. In your calm self and bring online your care circuits in the right hemisphere of your brain, that is when people will interact with you the way that you are showing up to them, their word choice will change.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Fascinating.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Your word choice will change and then you're using more connected language.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I am excited for some of our listeners to put this into action by starting with the practices, the relaxation practices, dropping into, you know, being connected with the earth, and then that extends out to our language choices. So hopefully we'll hear from our listeners when they've tried some of these shifts and changes. Marcy, where can our listeners find you online to learn more?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Sure. The website choosetoshowup.com okay, so can you.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Go ahead and spell that for us?

[Marcy Axelrod]

Sure. Choose to show up. So it's C H O O S E T o S H o W p dot com.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Excellent. All right, Marcy, thank you for being on the show today and challenging us to think in a different way. I love it. I love it. Excellent. And we hope to have you back again on the show sometime soon. All right, that would be wonderful.

[Marcy Axelrod]

Thank you, Lindsay.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Thank you. Take care. Bye. Thanks for listening to Allears English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our 2 minute quiz, go to allearsenglish.com fluencyscore and if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.