AEE 2426: Build Connection By Softening Commands in English

Summary

All Ears English Podcast: Episode 2426 Summary Title: Build Connection By Softening Commands in English
Hosts: Lindsay McMahon and Aubrey Carter
Release Date: June 16, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 2426 of the All Ears English Podcast, hosts Lindsay McMahon and Aubrey Carter delve into the nuanced art of softening commands in English to foster better connections and enhance communication. Aimed at intermediate to advanced English learners, this episode provides practical strategies and insights into using polite language structures effectively in various contexts.

The Importance of Softening Commands

The episode opens with a discussion on the strength of the word "command" when directed towards others. Lindsay humorously relates it to commanding a pet, emphasizing that such a term is seldom appropriate for human interactions.

Lindsey McMahon [02:00]: "Not really. No. No, it's too strong. Yeah."

Aubrey concurs, highlighting alternative verbs like "request," "ask," or "tell," which carry a softer tone.

Aubrey Carter [02:08]: "We might request, we'll ask, maybe even tell. We'll tell someone to do something."

Exploring Phrases to Soften Commands

The core of the episode focuses on four key phrases—make sure, be sure, be careful, and try—that help soften commands and requests, making them more polite and conducive to positive interactions.

1. Make Sure

"Make sure" is used to gently emphasize the importance of an action without sounding demanding.

Aubrey Carter [05:42]: "So, for example, I might say, 'Oh, make sure to water the plants every day.'"

Grammar Note:
"Make sure" can be followed by an infinitive (e.g., "make sure to water") or by a subject and verb (e.g., "make sure he understands").

2. Be Sure

Similar to "make sure," "be sure" conveys a polite reminder or instruction.

Lindsey McMahon [07:35]: "Be sure to pay the medical bill on time means the same as make sure."

Subtle Nuances:
While both phrases are interchangeable, "be sure" often feels slightly more accommodating.

Aubrey Carter [07:44]: "'Be sure' doesn't have the implication you think they'll forget—it feels a bit softer."

3. Be Careful

"Be careful" introduces an element of caution, often used as a gentle warning.

Lindsey McMahon [08:18]: "Be careful to avoid spilling your coffee."

Grammar Note:
This phrase follows the same grammatical structure as "make sure" and "be sure," either with an infinitive or a subject and verb.

4. Try

"Try" offers an encouraging nudge towards taking a particular action without imposing.

Aubrey Carter [10:44]: "For example, you might say, 'Try to arrive on time.'"

Grammar Note:
"Try" can be followed by an infinitive (e.g., "try to arrive") or a gerund (e.g., "try drinking more water"), offering flexibility in usage.

Understanding One-Upmanship

A significant portion of the episode introduces the concept of "one-upping," where individuals attempt to outdo others in conversation, which can hinder genuine connection.

Aubrey Carter [12:20]: "It's often how we see this used is exaggerate how much worse or better your situation is."

Lindsey McMahon [12:52]: "People get really triggered by one uppers. It's something in us that gets really triggered or discouraged."

The hosts suggest that being mindful of falling into one-upper behavior is crucial for maintaining meaningful dialogues.

Practical Application: Role Play

To illustrate the use of softened commands, Lindsay and Aubrey engage in a role-play scenario where Lindsay acts as a property owner providing instructions to Aubrey, a guest.

Key Highlights:

• Quiet Hours:

  Lindsey McMahon [13:37]: "Quiet hours start at 10, so try to keep the noise level down at night."

• Key Management:

  Lindsey McMahon [14:00]: "Be careful to keep track of the keys. There's a $50 replacement fee if one is lost."

• Check-Out Procedures:

  Lindsey McMahon [15:16]: "Be sure to check out by 10 and make sure to lock it when you leave."

This exercise underscores the importance of varying language to avoid sounding repetitive or harsh, thereby enhancing the overall politeness and effectiveness of communication.

Takeaways and Conclusions

The episode emphasizes that mastering the art of softening commands is pivotal for achieving higher levels of English proficiency (C1 level), where precision and politeness in language become essential. By integrating phrases like "make sure," "be sure," "be careful," and "try," learners can navigate conversations more gracefully, fostering better interpersonal connections.

Aubrey Carter [16:06]: "We're softening in order to be respectful and polite and to connect."

Lindsay wraps up by encouraging listeners to practice these techniques to enhance their conversational skills and achieve greater fluency.

Notable Quotes

• Aubrey Carter [02:50]: "Make sure you'd have to sit and think about it a second."
• Lindsey McMahon [05:26]: "We want people to know about it."
• Aubrey Carter [07:54]: "It's a little more polite, more, I don't know, accommodating."

Conclusion

Episode 2426 of the All Ears English Podcast offers valuable lessons on the subtle art of softening commands to build stronger connections in English conversations. By understanding and applying these techniques, learners can communicate more effectively and politely, enhancing both personal and professional relationships.

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Explore More:

• Take Your English Level Quiz: Visit allearsenglish.com/fluencyscore to determine your current proficiency.
• Subscribe and Stay Connected: Join the All Ears English community for more insightful episodes and practical language tips.

Transcript

[Aubrey Carter]

This is the All Ears English podcast. Episode 2426, Build Connection by softening commands in English.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Welcome to the All Ears English podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American host, Aubrey Carter, the IELTS whiz, and Lindsey McMahon, the English adventurer, coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, usa. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com subscribe instead. Some conversations you want to soften what you say depending on the relationship and the context. Today we give you four options to do this elegantly in English conversations.

[C]

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[Lindsey McMahon]

Hey, Aubry, how are you today?

[Aubrey Carter]

I'm great, Lindsay. How are you?

[Lindsey McMahon]

Good, good. What are we getting into on Allers English today?

[Aubrey Carter]

I have a question for you.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Okay.

[Aubrey Carter]

When is the last time you commanded someone to do something?

[Lindsey McMahon]

Oh, my God. Commanded Aubrey is a really strong word for a human being, maybe my dog, to get him to sit and get a treat.

[Aubrey Carter]

Good point. Right. You maybe give commands to your dog, but not to other people so much, right?

[Lindsey McMahon]

Not really. No. No, it's too strong. Yeah.

[Aubrey Carter]

There are definitely words we would use instead and things we do instead. Right. You know, we'll request, we'll ask, maybe even tell. We'll tell someone to do something.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. Or add. Kind of a strengthening word like firmly requested, Right?

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes, absolutely. This is interesting. This episode was inspired by the title of an episode you and Michelle wrote recorded. When I saw this title, it was 2416. The title was long story short, make sure you don't bore your friends in English. And I was kind of fascinated by this because it's really interesting to think about what would be different if it were just don't bore your friends in English. Yeah, that's really change.

[Lindsey McMahon]

That is a really interesting. Really interesting. I mean, I think by adding make sure it makes it a little bit bossier. Right. A little harsher. Is that right?

[Aubrey Carter]

Do you think I would say.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Oh, yeah, exactly.

[Aubrey Carter]

Because when we're adding, make sure you'd have to sit and think about it a second. Right. I was interested. I'm like, okay. Because often, sometimes we'll try to make titles shorter, but this was intentionally longer. Because if you just say don't bore your friends in English, sure, we could say this, but it is harsher. There's a different tone.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Don't your friend. It's a little more direct.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yeah, yeah. And it implies that maybe they're currently boring their friends and they shouldn't be. But if we say make sure, that means not that we're saying you're doing it now, just be sure you don't.

[Lindsey McMahon]

It just takes one step back in terms of directness. Right. We step. One step back. We've talked about how different use of grammar can move us back and be a little bit less direct. And this is one of the ways to do it, right.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes. And there are a lot of phrases we use to do this in English and we use them all the time. So I'm excited to dive into these today.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Okay, I'm excited. But first I want to make sure that we say a big thank you and a shout out to our listeners who left us a review in the Android app. Aubrey, by the way, what is the app all about? The iOS Android app.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes. If you guys have not downloaded the app, you are missing out. It is a free app to download and it's the best way to listen to the Allers English podcast. So this is really the best way to, you know, add vocabulary to a list, follow along in the transcripts for premium users. But even if you just have the free version of the app, you can search in our archive. You can search keywords and for old episodes, which is difficult to do on most podcast players.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah, it really is all about being able to search for any episode you need. See those transcripts, tap on words, save them in your personal power list. So I want to say a special shout out to Karima Damani. Thank you. This person left us a review on May 6, 2025. Special shout out to. Let's see. Masud, KH and a special shout out 2. I'm having a hard time Adelon Saf. So thank you so much, guys. Go leave us a review in the Android or iOS app or wherever you listen to the show.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes, we try to shout out everyone who leaves us a review. We are grateful for these reviews. It helps other people find the show and it's just a great thank you to us. Right. To give us our flowers for doing the podcast.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah, it really. We do this with a lot of heart. Because we want to help you guys. We believe that the philosophy of connection, not perfection, means something deep. And we want people to know about it. Right. But once in a while, we need to hear from you and know that it's working well. All right.

[Aubrey Carter]

It is nice. So if you haven't left a review, definitely go and do it. And it's also a great place to leave questions that give us a good, specific question that we can answer in a future episode.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Love it. Love it. All right, let's go into it. So let's talk more about make sure. Make sure.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes, exactly. So again, we just add this to soften a command or a request. So if, for example, I asked someone to water my plants while I'm on vacation, oh, yeah, I might say, oh, make sure to water the plants every day. I don't think I would be like, water the plants every day. They're doing me a favor. I'm gonna try to soften that.

[Lindsey McMahon]

You wouldn't even write that right. You. Sometimes I remember when I was a kid and we would get, like, a house sitter to come and take care of the plants and the pets, the. The cats, even. My mom would not have even written, water the plants every day. It's way too direct.

[Aubrey Carter]

Exactly. We try to be polite, especially with requests, especially if we're asking a favorite.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. You could say, please water the plants every day. And maybe that's one of these ways of cat that helps to just add please.

[Aubrey Carter]

Right. But there are so many other chunks, like, make sure that we use.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Carter]

You might also say, like, we need to make sure he understands the instructions. And this is another way we use this. Like, you know, there are so many sort of more direct ways of saying this needs to happen.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yes.

[Aubrey Carter]

This is a very polite, indirect way to say it.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yes. I love it. Do we need to know anything grammar wise here, Aubry? Do we need to make any notes?

[Aubrey Carter]

For each of these, we're going to give you a quick little grammar note because one of them works differently. So this one and the next couple, we say make sure. And then an infinitive like that first example, make sure to water the plants. Or we can say, make sure, and that's followed by a subject and verb. Like the second example, make sure he understands. Those are the two ways that we use this chunk.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. So if we're going to use these chunks, we do need to pay attention to grammar. Right. They're not just idioms. They're in conjunction with different grammar prepositions and ways of forming the verb. Okay, good.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes. Right. So this next one, the grammar works the same. You can follow it with an infinitive or subject verb is be sure. Very similar. Right. Be sure to pay the medical bill on time means the same as make sure.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. For me, be sure feels a little bit more polite, more, I don't know, accommodating, for some reason, softer. But they're very similar.

[Aubrey Carter]

I can see that. Yeah. Because make sure almost has this tiny bit of implication that you think they'll forget you think they won't do it. And be sure is. It's a little more. Yeah, I agree. It doesn't really have that. Interesting.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. Or how about this one? He wants to be sure they feel welcome. Okay.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yeah. And this is interesting where there's very subtle nuances between these because if we say he wants to make sure they feel welcome, that feels more active. He's doing something to make sure they feel welcome. And then be sure just kind of feels like he is maybe sort of concerned about it. Oh, he wants to be sure they feel welcome. Interesting. Very subtle.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Okay, and the next one is be careful. Okay, so this is interesting. So be careful to avoid spilling your coffee. So be careful to do. To do X. Is that right?

[Aubrey Carter]

Exactly. Same grammar for this. Be careful plus an infinitive. Be careful to avoid. Be careful to go early. Or it can be followed by a subject and verb. You could say, be careful she doesn't deceive you, for example. Right.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Wow. Okay.

[Aubrey Carter]

And this is interesting. Slightly different from be sure and make sure. This is a little of a warning.

[Lindsey McMahon]

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[Aubrey Carter]

Yes. And this one. The grammar's slightly different, so let's give some examples and then we'll share how the grammar is different. So, for example, you might say, try to arrive on time. We need to start right at seven. And in this instance, it's very interchangeable. It's very similar to these other. Make sure. Be sure. Try to arrive on time.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Try to arrive on time. We need to start right at seven. Or my skin is so dry, I need to try drinking more water. Okay.

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes. And this is where the grammar is different. Only for this one, we can follow it with a gerund. So we say, I need to try drinking more water. This noun phrase. So this is the grammar note. You can have try followed by an infinitive like these others, or try followed by a gerund, a verb that acts as a noun.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Try doing something interesting. Okay, good to know. All right. What else, Aubrey, what else?

[Aubrey Carter]

Yeah, so this one's really interesting. We want to point out this very native natural thing we do. We use it to one up someone. What does that mean to one up someone, Lindsay?

[Lindsey McMahon]

Oh, you know it. When you're around someone, that's a oneupper, Right? Distinct personality trait. When people, you, you know, you say you've done something great, maybe you're proud of something, but they just have to one up you. They have to say they've done something.

[Aubrey Carter]

Better or it might even be worse. You say something awful that's happening, they share something even worse happening to them. Right? So here's some examples. Let's say someone is saying they can't sleep past 8. That's me. And then they. They answer, well, try waking up at 5am every day. You'll be thankful you can sleep until 8. Right. So I went up and like, you sleep till 8. That's amazing. I wake up at 5am every day.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. Or someone saying, there aren't a lot of good restaurants where they live. Right. And then a oneupper would say, what, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Carter]

They might say, you should try living in my hometown. Only one diner in the whole town. Right. So here we have try followed by a gerund. Try waking up at 5. Try living where I lived. And this is often how we see this used is exaggerate how much worse your or better your situation is.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah, that's fascinating. We should do another episode on the one upper personality. Right?

[Aubrey Carter]

I agree. It would be interesting to think. To think about some other ways people one up other phrases they use and talk more about how this can really kill a connection. It can be really frustrating to be around a 1 upper, so hit follow. We'll do a whole episode about one upping.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah. I think people get. Get really triggered by one uppers. It's something in us that gets really triggered, you know, or discouraged.

[Aubrey Carter]

I find myself doing it.

[Lindsey McMahon]

I'm like, well, especially when you're around a 1 upper. Right? It's like you. You know they trigger that. Yeah, it does. Okay, we're coming back to that, guys. It's a great connection piece. Hit follow on the show. Okay.

[Aubrey Carter]

All right, let's do a role play here.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yes.

[Aubrey Carter]

This is gonna be interesting. I am staying at a VRBO that you own in this role play. All right, I'll start.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yes.

[Aubrey Carter]

Are there any special instructions I need?

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yes. The building has a noise ordinance. Quiet hours start at 10, so try to keep the noise level down at night.

[Aubrey Carter]

Okay, thanks. No problem.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Also, be careful to keep track of the keys. There's a 50 replacement fee if one is lost.

[Aubrey Carter]

Good to know. What about checking out? Anything I need to know.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Well, be sure to check out by 10 and make sure to lock it when you leave. Oh, 10 is kind of early for an Airbnb.

[Aubrey Carter]

I have ours in Rocky Point. It's 10, and it is rough. I'm like, come on. Yeah, because they need to clean, and then someone else is checking in at four. Right.

[Lindsey McMahon]

That's really. Yeah, for sure. Okay. So typical conversation, right?

[Aubrey Carter]

So here's why you need all of these. Because in a conversation like this, where you're needing to get a lot of, you know, directives, a lot of requests or instructions, you wouldn't want to say the same one over and over. Do this, do this, or make sure to do this, make sure to do that. You need options.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Right. And the owner. So in my case, I didn't want to be too rude. Right. So I am using these indirect ways of sort of framing or buffering what I'm saying.

[Aubrey Carter]

Exactly. If you look through this without them, if Lindsay just said, keep the noise level down at night.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Carter]

Keep track of the keys, lock it when you leave, it would be rude.

[Lindsey McMahon]

So you might say that to your teenagers if they're like taking over. Like, you know, that's different. Right. You can give them orders a little bit. Right. But if it's. I'm a professional here and you're a client, so you wouldn't do that. Okay, so very.

[Aubrey Carter]

Exactly. Often we use these. Yeah. To soften, to be more polite, more respectful. So you first said, quiet hours start at 10, so try to keep the noise level down. So this is that first use of try followed by an infinitive.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yes. Excellent. And then you said, okay, thanks. No problem. And then I said, also be careful to keep track of the keys. And again, I didn't say, also keep track of the keys. That would be harsh for this back and forth.

[Aubrey Carter]

Right. Exactly right. Be careful to keep track of the keys. It's so much more polite. And then you said, be sure to check out by 10.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Carter]

So right. To just really say it more blunt and harsh. Check out by 10. You know, we want to avoid that. We add one of these.

[Lindsey McMahon]

That one would be really harsh. Yeah, that would be. Yeah. And then you. I said, and make sure to lock it when you leave instead of. And lock it when you leave. Now, it wouldn't be grammatically incorrect to say and lock it when you leave. It's grammatically correct, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Carter]

Right, exactly right. These all would be grammatically correct. It's all about the tone. Whether it's a little harsher, a little more blunt. Right. We are softening in order to be respectful and polite and to connect.

[Lindsey McMahon]

I mean, that's our takeaway for today. It's all about connection on this show, and we want to show you the different levels of nuance and how to do it. So when you decide what who you're talking to, you decide if you want to add these or not, or maybe not. Use them if you want to be more clear or more blunt. Right? Yes.

[Aubrey Carter]

And this really is what's pushing you to those higher levels, C1, when you. Because I know I do this still in French and Spanish, I will accidentally be too blunt because I don't always have the vocabulary to soften things. So this is really pushing you to those higher skills to be aware of and start doing this.

[Lindsey McMahon]

Getting into that C1 level to be more precise. That is one of the hallmarks of our C1 course. Become more precise. Right. Love it. All right, Aubrey, thanks for hanging out today, guys. Don't forget to go on over and leave us a review for the show. Wherever you listen. Spotify, Apple, Android, iOS app. Leave us a review and we'll try to call your name out on the show. Okay?

[Aubrey Carter]

Yes. Awesome. Thanks for those reviews, guys. All right. Have a great day.

[Lindsey McMahon]

You too, Aubrey. Talk soon. Bye bye. Thanks for listening. To all ears. English. Would you. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com fluencyscore and if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.

[D]

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