AEE 2446: Why You Shouldn’t Be a One-upper

Summary

Podcast Summary: All Ears English Podcast - Episode AEE 2446: Why You Shouldn’t Be a One-upper

Release Date: July 21, 2025

In Episode AEE 2446 of the All Ears English Podcast, hosts Lindsay McMahon and Michelle Kaplan delve into the social phenomenon of "one-upping." This episode offers English learners valuable insights into conversational dynamics, emphasizing the importance of fostering genuine connections over competing for conversational dominance. Below is a comprehensive summary capturing the episode's key discussions, insights, and practical examples.

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1. Introduction to One-upping

The episode kicks off with Lindsay posing a relatable question to Michelle:

Lindsay [00:53]: "What is one upping and why shouldn't you do it today?"

They outline the episode's focus on understanding one-upping behaviors and their impact on building authentic connections in English conversations.

2. Defining One-upping

Michelle invites Aubrey Carter, a co-host known for his expertise in IELTS, to provide a foundational understanding:

Aubrey [00:10]: "We will show you how to use everyday English vocabulary and natural idioms... focusing on connection, not perfection."

Lindsay elaborates:

Lindsay [03:00]: "A one upper tries to outdo or overshadow others by having a better story or a better experience or achievement."

They emphasize that one-upping often occurs subtly during casual conversations, where individuals unintentionally shift attention back to themselves, even when celebrating others' achievements.

3. Common Phrases and Examples of One-upping

The hosts identify and discuss typical phrases that signal one-upping:

• "I can top that."
  Timestamp: [03:44]

• "I can do you one better."
  Timestamp: [03:44]
  Example: Michelle recalls hearing this phrase growing up in the West.

• "You ain't seen nothing yet."
  Timestamp: [04:16]

• "I had it way worse/better when..."
  Timestamp: [04:31]

• "I got a better score without even studying."
  Timestamp: [10:52]

These phrases often emerge during competitions or when individuals attempt to showcase superior experiences, whether in positive or negative contexts.

4. Impact of One-upping on Connections

Michelle and Lindsay explore how one-upping can undermine conversational connections:

Michelle [04:31]: "When you're comparing experiences... it hurts the connection because it feels like you're not hearing the person."

Lindsay [06:38]: "It doesn't feel good to have someone one up you. It really undermines your experience."

They discuss the emotional repercussions for both the one being outdone and the one who is unaware they’re one-upping, leading to feelings of neglect and superficial interactions.

5. Alternative Approaches to Building Genuine Connections

The hosts advocate for focusing on genuine engagement rather than competition:

• Active Listening:
  Emphasizing the importance of truly hearing and appreciating the other person's experiences.

• Asking Follow-up Questions:
  Encouraging deeper conversation by showing interest without diverting the topic.

Michelle [08:02]: "Commenting more on their situation is good. Say things like, 'Wow, that's incredible.'"

Lindsay [08:41]: "Asking follow-up questions and expressing that you're impressed."

They highlight that demonstrating genuine care and interest fosters stronger, more meaningful connections.

6. Role Play Demonstration: One-upping vs. Genuine Connection

To illustrate the concepts, Lindsay and Michelle engage in a role play showcasing two scenarios: one where one-upping occurs and another that exemplifies better conversational practices.

Scenario 1: With One-upping

Michelle [17:00]: "You won't believe the week I just had. I was in Sacramento for a design conference..."

Lindsay [17:11]: "Oh, I can top that. I went to a conference in Vegas last month and they flew in Maine lobster for the welcome dinner."

Michelle [17:37]: "This one makes me want to vomit."

Analysis:
Lindsay's response immediately shifts the focus to her own experience, overshadowing Michelle's story and disrupting the conversational flow.

Scenario 2: Building Connection

Michelle [18:00]: "You won't believe the week I just had. I was in Sacramento for a design conference..."

Lindsay [18:18]: "That sounds amazing. What kind of dinners did they treat you to?"

Michelle [18:21]: "Oh, all kinds. One night was farm to table..."

Lindsay [19:01]: "Oh, that's such a relevant topic right now. How did you prepare for it?"

Analysis:
Lindsay responds with genuine interest, asking specific questions that allow Michelle to elaborate, thereby deepening the connection without diverting the conversation to herself.

7. Key Takeaways and Conclusion

Lindsay and Michelle summarize the episode's primary lessons:

• Avoid One-upping:
  It's a sure way to damage connections and make others feel undervalued.

• Foster Genuine Engagement:
  Show interest by listening actively and asking thoughtful questions.

• Be Mindful of Intent:
  Share experiences to connect, not to impress or overshadow.

Lindsay [20:46]: "One upping is a sure fire way to kill connection. It makes people feel like you don't care or are not interested in them."

Michelle [20:46]: "This is really helpful. It makes people feel heard and want to connect with you more."

The episode concludes with a brief mention of an upcoming topic on avoiding formality in conversations, reinforcing the podcast's commitment to practical English learning focused on real-life interactions.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Lindsay [03:00]: "A one upper tries to outdo or overshadow others by having a better story or a better experience or achievement."

• Michelle [07:04]: "You don't want to make somebody feel like you're just excited to tell your story and always in competition."

• Lindsay [08:41]: "We talk about not being a monster. You don't want to immediately pull attention back to yourself."

• Michelle [14:07]: "You just kind of take the wind out of their sails."

• Lindsay [20:46]: "One upping is a sure fire way to kill connection."

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Final Thoughts

Episode AEE 2446 offers English learners not only linguistic tools but also crucial social skills essential for effective communication. By understanding and avoiding one-upping behaviors, listeners can enhance their conversational abilities, fostering more meaningful and authentic relationships in both personal and professional settings.

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Stay Connected with All Ears English Podcast

For more episodes and resources to improve your American English skills, including tips on idioms, phrasal verbs, and cultural insights, visit allearsenglish.com.

Transcript

[Michelle Kaplan]

This is an All Ears English podcast. Episode 24:46 why you shouldn't be a one upper.

[Aubrey Carter]

Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American host, Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, and Aubrey Carter, the ielts whiz, coming to you from Arizona and New York City, usa. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com forward/subscribe.

[Lindsay]

What is one upping and why shouldn't you do it today? You'll learn common ways people one up each other and why you should avoid it to build connection in English English.

[Michelle Kaplan]

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[Lindsay]

I'm great.

[Michelle Kaplan]

How are you?

[Lindsay]

Michelle?

[Michelle Kaplan]

I'm good, thanks. I'm so glad to be talking with you today and do you have a question for me, Aubry?

[Lindsay]

Sure. I am curious if you know anyone who is a one upper?

[Michelle Kaplan]

I not anybody that comes to mind specifically. I guess everybody has their moments. But how about you?

[Lindsay]

Yeah, that's a good point. Right. We all find ourselves doing this every now and then. Maybe accidentally but right. Every now and then you meet someone who really is a one upper. I met someone last a couple weeks ago I took a neighbor to dinner that I didn't know well and she was a one upper. The epitome of a one upper more than anyone I've ever met. And she would even sort of announce she was going to do it with these phrases. She'd say, you know, I can top that and should share mostly about her grandkids because she was proud of them. She wanted to share about them but it was really interesting to hear and really kind of hurt the connection it because it didn't feel good for, you know, anybody who she was one upping. Yeah, and this came up recently, an episode Lindsay and I were recording. I'm like let's do a whole episode about yeah, you know, the ways people went up, the phrases we use and why this can really hurt a Connection.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Absolutely. Okay. This is a really fun topic. So, yeah, one upper. I mean, Aubry, tell us a little bit more.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, this is. So we use this as a noun to describe a person. A1 upper tries to outdo or overshadow others by having a better story or a better experience or achievement. And the phrase is often, you know, it'll come up in casual conversation, usually pretty subtly, to shift the attention back to themselves or especially. I think this happens even more often when you're proud of someone else bragging about someone else. If you're not talking about yourself, you sort of don't realize you're one upping sometimes.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Interesting. Yeah. So let's talk about some of the phrases that you might hear if somebody is being a one upper. So you already mentioned this one. I can top that, right?

[Lindsay]

Yeah. Or I can do you one better. I heard her say this, and I. I remember growing up, I would hear this one. This might be sort of regional, colloquial for the West. I can do you one better. It sounds sort of slang and informal. But we'll also, you know, someone might say, like, you think that's scary one time and then share a bigger experience.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Or you ain't seen nothing yet. This, I imagine, is you're doing some sort of competition. Maybe you're playing a game or you're in a talent show or something like.

[Lindsay]

That, and you're letting them know that you are going to do a better job. Exactly. So today we're going to share sort of the three main ways this happens. Three main ways people try to one up someone else. We use it as a verb that way, too. Right. We say we one up other people.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Mm. So the first way is comparing experiences. So, for example, that's nothing. You should have seen what I did.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. And maybe. Oh, yeah, I've done that. But even more impressive.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay]

And then you're going to launch into the story that was similar, but you're trying to outdo them. Exactly.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Or I had it way worse or way better when that happened to me. Yeah. It's interesting. Sometimes we're one upping in a way of saying something was good. Good. But sometimes people want to be in competition for how bad something is.

[Lindsay]

Yes. I feel like that's even more common.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. I'm busy. I'm so tired.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, absolutely. Or, like, if you're in a car accident and you share the story, you may have someone say, like, you could. You know, that does sound terrible, but you can't believe the accident I was in last year.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly. Or you could say that reminds me of the time I. And then you launch into a bigger story. Story.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. And this one's more subtle. Right. Because often someone will tell. Tell a story and we'll transition, we'll share something about ourselves so we might not even notice we're doing it. If we then share a very similar story that was a little more impressive or a little scarier. That also is one upping.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or when I went there it was way more intense. So maybe there was. Maybe you were going to the Grand Canyon and the heat was, was really hot. And then you say, well, when I went there it was actually 110 degrees.

[Lindsay]

Right, exactly. Right. So let's talk briefly about this. Like when you're comparing experiences. H. How does this hurt the connection and really what should we be doing instead? Because we often talk about. Yes, connect, you know, share what you have in common. Share about common experiences. But this is sort of a subtle way that does that. That hurts the connection. It doesn't feel good to have someone one up you. It really undermines your experience.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, right, right, exactly. Yeah. That you, you don't want to make somebody because it feels like you're not hearing the person. It feels like you're just excited to tell your story and you're always in competition. And that feels very childish to me. I mean my son is always like now, oh, I'm older than this person or I'm this. And that's. Yeah, he's six. Right. But you don't want to do that as adults.

[Lindsay]

Exactly. And it is fascinating how often this still happens as adults. And, and the person talking doesn't even realize they're doing it. Right. You really don't even notice until someone does it to you. And it feels like you said, Michelle, you feel like they're not listening or they don't care or they're wanting. It's. You just sort of brag about something about themselves. So this really hurts the connection because you leave with this feeling of they don't really care to connect with me. They only care to tell me what they have done. That's impress. It's pretty common and I think it's really important to watch out for in conversations. But here's what's tricky. You do want to connect over common experiences. If you have traveled to the same place or had a similar experience, you, you will want to share that. So how would we do that in a different way? That's not one upping. What do you think, Michelle?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Is this Number two. Or are we talking about.

[Lindsay]

No, just kind of like we just.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So in general. Just my. My idea. Yeah, I think just saying you. I. Yeah, I think commenting more on their situation is good. Saying like, oh, yeah, wow, that's. That's incredible. I also had this experience and that I just want to share. Right. Just making sure that you really comment and give that person the attention that they deserve with what they say.

[Lindsay]

Yes, exactly. I think that's exactly right. Right. You're wanting to ask follow up questions and comment on what they did and express that you're impressed that it's amazing. Right. The trick, I think, is to not immediately pivot to something about yourself.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay]

We talk about not being a monster. You don't want to immediately pull attention back to yourself. And the way you do that is to ask follow up questions, ask them more about what happened to them and their experience. And the only way to do that really, is to actually care. If you really care about the connection with the person, you're going to want to know more details.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's. I think that's a really good point. Not pivoting immediately to yourself, giving that person the time and the space, that's going to keep the connection. Guys, before we move on to the next way of bragging, so we want to remind you that Lindsay is actually coming back. I don't think we said that. So we want to let you know that we, Aubry and I are recording together and we're happy to be together, but we're also letting know that Lindsay will be back in the next couple episodes. So we're excited for her to come back as well.

[Lindsay]

Yes, absolutely. Never fear. It's always fun when we get to join each other. But Lindsay will be back next week.

[Michelle Kaplan]

That's right.

[Lindsay]

All right, let's jump into number two, which is subtle bragging. So we might use phrases like not to brag, but. And then we launched into, you know, bragging about ourselves. And so this is assuming as well that someone else has shared maybe an achievement, an accomplishment, and then we're immediately pivoting to ourselves to one up what they have done.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Or. It's funny, people always say I'm the best at that. That's. That to me, that doesn't sound too subtle.

[Lindsay]

No, this is a little less subtle, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, a little less subtle.

[Lindsay]

This is interesting if. If someone shares something they did. Well, this is interesting to think about too, because if someone shares with you an achievement and accomplishment, they already might feel a little awkward about that. They're excited to share with you this exciting thing for them, but they're probably a little worried that they sound like they're bragging.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah.

[Lindsay]

And so this. I think it's going to be even more important for you to show that you care, that you're happy for them, for that you're excited for them. I think the worst thing you could do would be to immediately one up them, like, oh, I got a similar award a couple of years ago. And then especially if you're sharing how it was actually even better.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or I didn't even study and still got this top score. Oh, that's annoying.

[Lindsay]

That's the worst. Right? You're sharing, you're excited about your exam results, and then someone's like, oh, I got a better score and I didn't even study. Imagine that's the worst.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Or everyone always comes to me for help with that. So saying that you're the best one for the job, maybe not this person. Right. And that's not be good for connection.

[Lindsay]

Exactly. If someone is sharing that they are, they have knowledge about something or a particular skill, instead of like celebrating that with them and, you know, sharing that, you're excited, you think that's awesome. If you instead share that, you also know a lot about that, or people often ask you about that, it's similar. Right. It's going to hurt the connection because the person you're talking to will feel like you don't really care about this connection.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Yeah. Should we go into the third wave?

[Lindsay]

Yes, let's do it.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Status boosting. Oh, so what is that? Aubry?

[Lindsay]

Yeah. This is interesting. So this one, I feel like is often a little more subtle. Yeah. So if, for example, you're sharing that you love a restaurant. Right. You love the menu at a restaurant, Someone's like, oh, I actually know the owner, then it's interesting. This is kind of a subtle way to give yourself more status.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. And it's hard because maybe you are truly excited about that. I mean, and you should share things in your life. So it's. It's tricky. Yeah, it. It is really tricky. I mean, I think if you're not doing it all the time, Right. If you're not known for always saying, oh, I know this one, I know that one, or this next example is we stayed at the private villa, not the regular resort. So listen, I think it's okay to share pieces of your life, but I think that like, like, even if something special is happening, you know someone. Right. But if you become known for this. I think that's where the issue is.

[Lindsay]

Right? It's, it's what the, is the intent. Right. If your intent is to connect. We talked about, we talked about this a lot here. And to get to know people, then it's even if you do share something, sure. Oh, I know the owner. That's awesome. Right? It's doesn't feel like you're doing it in order to impress, in order to boost your status. This second one, if someone's sharing that they traveled somewhere and they went to this resort and then you share, oh, we had a private villa there instead of the regular resort, you can see how this immediately takes the wind out of their sails. This is a fun idiom. It like sort of deflates their excitement for what they were sharing with you. If you're sharing, oh, I did similar. Something similar, but better.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes, yes, exactly. So what's another thing?

[Lindsay]

Yeah, and then the last one here, if you're sharing maybe that you read a book that you're excited about and instead of, you know, asking follow up questions and sharing your excitement, someone says like, oh yeah, I read that book when I was younger. Twice actually. They're just, it's really all about are you immediately pulling attention back to yourself or are you trying to deepen the connection by finding out more about your friend by asking follow up questions.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly. Or yeah, I've had that. Or I've known about that for years. It's saying, you know, if somebody tells you they just found out about something and then you're just, you just kind of. Yeah, again, you take the wind out of their sails, it's like, oh, yeah, I already knew that.

[Lindsay]

Whatever, you know, yeah, I've definitely had this happen to me. I'll share with someone either about a TV show or maybe a product I found on Amazon. I'm super excited about it. And if they're like, oh, I've known about that for years, you're immediately just like, like small, right? Like, yeah, yeah. I was so excited. I thought it was new. But I have also had the experience where someone I share it, they already know about it, but they still instead will respond like, yes, it's amazing. I tried it. It's so cool. And they share in your excitement. So a lot of it's the tone, it's the words we're using. Instead of highlighting that we've done something bigger or better or new about something longer, instead we're just highlighting the shared excitement or the shared experience.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, right, exactly. Good point.

[Aubrey Carter]

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[Lindsay]

All right, let's do a role play here. We're going to show two different ways. The first is with one upping. This is the less effective version. And then we'll show the same role play better. Right. What it would look like without one upping. You want to start us out?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Here we go. All right. You won't believe the week I just had. I was in Sacramento for a design conference. They really wind and dined us fancy dinners every night.

[Lindsay]

Oh, I can top that. I went to a conference in Vegas last month and they flew in Maine lobster for the welcome dinner.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Wow. Okay. Fancy. Did I tell you I was on a panel? I was nervous, but I feel like it went pretty well.

[Lindsay]

Nice job. The last time I was on a panel, the head of a big agency pulled me aside after and asked me to freelance on a global rebrand. It was amazing.

[Michelle Kaplan]

This one makes me want to vomit.

[Lindsay]

Painful. It's fascinating and it's interesting because there's nothing wrong with with sharing this information about yourself, but it's how it's done. To immediately pull attention to yourself, to immediately pivot without asking any follow up questions feels it's so harmful for the connection. It feels very rude.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Oh my gosh. That is.

[Lindsay]

Let's share a better option, Michelle. Let's share the better version.

[Michelle Kaplan]

That one may be. This conversation should go.

[Lindsay]

Yes. Okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

You won't believe the Week I just had. I went to Sacramento for a design conference. They really wind and dined us. Fancy dinners every night.

[Lindsay]

That sounds amazing. What kind of dinners did they treat you to?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Oh, all kinds. One night was farm to table, another was this really upscale Italian place. Oh, and I was on a panel too. I was nervous, but I feel like it went pretty well.

[Lindsay]

That is awesome. Congrats. What was the panel about?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Oh, well, it was about sustainable branding. How to keep a strong visual identity while being environmentally conscious. The audience had some great questions.

[Lindsay]

Oh, that's such a relevant topic right now. How did you prepare for it?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Oh, lots of practice and some late nights tweaking slides. Honestly, it paid off. It felt great once I was up there.

[Lindsay]

I bet. Do you think you'd do more speaking events like that in the future?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Okay.

[Lindsay]

Oh, this is so much better. And it's really interesting. A few things to look at here. First of all, this is about you, right? You've had this exciting, interesting experience. I care about the connection with you, so I'm not saying anything about myself. I'm just wanting more details. I'm interested. What a different feeling, what a different tone. And after this conversation, our connection would be deeper, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly, exactly. Because you were just asking me questions. Now if you did want to throw in, you know, the. I mean, because it's fair. I mean, if you want to share your, your experience as well, it's not saying you can't just give that person that time. And then maybe you would say, you know, if I said, if, like, if we extended this and you said, do you think you'd do more speaking events in the future? I might say, oh, I don't know. And then maybe I. Here is where I think now the responsibility shifts to me a little bit because you just listened to me, you were kind, you were engaged. And if, and then I could say something like, oh, do you ever do speaking for work? Or when is the last time? Have you had any work conferences lately? Right. So I think kind of that once you've given me that time and space, it's nice to also the other person take some responsibility and say, okay, like I've had moment in the sun now.

[Lindsay]

Maybe it's absolutely right. That's often how a conversation like this would go. Instead of immediately pivoting to myself, I'm asking you, I'm interested, want details. And then I agree there. You could bring me in and ask, you know, oh, what about you? Have you. You're going to ask something about similar experiences or, or how's work going lately. Something broader and more open. Absolutely. To like give me the opportunity to then share about myself.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Oh my gosh. I love this. So, Aubry, what's the takeaway for today, would you say?

[Lindsay]

Yeah, one upping, I think is a sure fire way to kill connection we feel. I loved how you said I felt icky after these conversations where someone's one upping, nobody feels good. Or maybe some people aren't aware they're one upping, but the person who is being outdone doesn't feel good. They don't feel like the person really cares about them or is really interested in them.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So this is, this is really, really helpful. That's gonna not break that connection. That's gonna make people feel heard and want to connect with you more. So that's good. Aubry, do we want to let our listeners know about another episode?

[Lindsay]

Oh, yes. So there's a recent episode, Allers English 2442 that Lindsay and I recorded. Avoid the wall of formality with this. This future grammar. This is similar like this. Often it's your grammar that can help you build connection. Remove that formality that sort of creates the coldness between you.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So interesting. All right, Aubrey, well, this was fun. Thanks for chatting about this with us today. And guys, thank you so much for listening.

[Lindsay]

Yes, and avoid being a 1 upper.

[Michelle Kaplan]

That's right.

[Lindsay]

Not a good idea. All right, thanks, Michelle.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, bye, Aubrey. Bye, guys.

[Lindsay]

Bye.

[Aubrey Carter]

Thanks for listening. To all ears. English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com forward/fluencyscore. And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.

[Lindsay]

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