AEE 2488: Lady or Miss? How to Refer to Strangers in English

Summary

---

All Ears English Podcast: Lady or Miss? How to Refer to Strangers in English

Episode 2488 | October 1, 2025
Hosts: Lindsay McMahon & Aubrey Carter

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, Lindsay and Aubrey tackle a classic conundrum for English learners: What’s the right way to politely address a stranger—especially a woman—if you don’t know her name? The discussion dives into the nuances of “lady,” “miss,” “ma’am,” “woman,” and similar forms of address in American English, exploring not only their literal meanings but their social implications and feelings they invoke. The hosts share personal stories, cultural tips, and offer actionable advice so listeners can build better connections—without committing unintended faux pas.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. How Should You Address a Female Stranger?

• The episode opens with Aubrey and Lindsay reflecting on aging and how people shift from being called “miss” to “ma’am” as they get older.

  “I'm getting to the age where it's more and more common for someone to refer to me as ma'am... I remember the days when it was always miss.” (Aubrey, 01:59)

• Both hosts agree they much prefer “miss,” finding “ma’am” a sign of getting older, though Aubrey jokes, “I guess I am old enough to be called ma’am.” (02:20)

2. The Problem with “Lady” and “Woman” as Standalone Labels

• Aubrey recounts feeling uncomfortable being called “lady” repeatedly while traveling in Cancun. It felt “rough and raw”—never intentionally offensive but awkward and a bit impersonal (02:28–03:04).

  “Every time I would feel like—not offended because I knew it wasn't intentional—but it felt sort of... it's interesting. It's hard to put words to how I just was like, oh...” (Aubrey, 02:28)

• Lindsay describes “lady” as sounding blunt and even aggressive in American English, as in “Hey, lady, move your car” (03:23).

  “Lady is often used...with a tone of frustration or maybe sarcasm...like, hey lady, move your car. It sounds really critical or annoyed.” (Aubrey, 03:23)

• Both agree that “woman” as a label (“Listen, woman...”) can sound rude or cold (06:12).

3. The Cultural Context and ESL Teaching Pitfall

• Aubrey shares an insightful story about a Spanish speaker who had learned in English class that “lady” is the correct term when addressing a woman alone, showing that ESL instruction can linger on outdated or inappropriate conventions (03:58–04:54).

  “In her English class, she was taught that...a woman by herself should be called lady...I said, at least in the States, it’s interesting. There’s like this whole sort of underlying feeling to this word lady.” (Aubrey, 04:23)

• Lindsay posits this could stem from the former positive connotations of “be a lady,” but usage has changed (05:04).

4. Exceptions: “Hey Lady!” Among Friends & Group Labels

• There's a quick aside about “hey, lady!” once being used as a friendly greeting mainly among women friends—mostly heard in the 2000s, but no longer much in use (06:12–07:09).

• “Ladies,” as the plural, is acceptable (11:03):

  “As we were chatting, this sort of came up that oddly, ladies, plural is fine...It’s just when it’s a standalone label for one person, this has been added sort of culturally, this negative implication to lady by itself.” (Aubrey, 10:41)

5. What Should You Say?

For Women:

• Miss: Flattering for younger or middle-aged women; generally preferable up to “retirement age” (~60s).

  “Miss is more flattering. It's for a younger woman...Both you and I could still be called miss. And we're so flattered.” (Aubrey, 07:20)

• Ma’am: Respectful, common in the U.S. South, sometimes signals the person is perceived as older.

  “Ma’am is also more common in the South...This is a term of respect to call someone ma’am.” (Aubrey, 07:53)

• Avoid: “Lady” and “woman” as standalone terms to a stranger.
• Plural: “Ladies” is fine for groups: “Right this way, ladies.” (11:03)

For Men:

• Sir: Appropriate and polite for men of any age (12:04).

  “You can always say, like, right this way, sir… Here you are, sir. That’s appropriate. Luckily, for any age, you don’t have the struggle with women wondering the age; sir works for any age.” (Aubrey, 11:49)

• Avoid: “Mister” unless followed by a last name; never “sirs” as a plural—use “gentlemen” (12:10).

6. The Importance of Tone and Intent

• If you slip up, it’s usually understood as a non-native error rather than intentional rudeness.

  “If you’re in that scenario and you’re making a mistake...people know that you’re not trying to say it in the harsh way of ‘lady.’” (Lindsay, 10:19)

• Connection is more about friendliness and intent than perfect vocabulary.

  “The smile was able to get just past any implication of the word she was using...that’s a really good testament of connection, not perfection.” (Aubrey, 17:58)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “lady” as a harsh label:
  "It's sort of... if you imagine, like, movies where a bunch of kids run around, break someone’s window and then say, ‘Hey lady!’ Like, that's the vibe." – Lindsay (03:09)

• On being taught the “wrong” phrase:
  "She said it so many times to so many American tourists with no idea that it has this sort of implication. She was really grateful I told her..." – Aubrey (09:52)

• On “miss” vs. “ma’am”:
  "Better to go down than to go up. We'd rather you make us feel young than make us feel old." – Lindsay (15:13)

• On group labels:
  "If it's a group... it's like, 'Right this way, ladies.' There's nothing [wrong]. It's just when it's a standalone label for one person..." – Aubrey (11:03)

• On mistakes and connection:
  "Don’t let this hinder connection... go with what comes to mind and do other things to strike up the connection. Smiling... Even if you’re making a mistake, your real goal is to connect..." – Lindsay & Aubrey (17:35–18:24)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:28] - Aubrey’s story: Feeling awkward being called “lady” in Mexico
• [03:23] - Why “lady” feels harsh in American English
• [04:54] - How English learners are taught "lady" is correct
• [07:20] - The best choices: “Miss” and “Ma’am”
• [09:48] - “Ladies” as the proper plural
• [11:49] - “Sir” (and “gentlemen”) for men
• [14:22–16:42] - Role play: Proper use of addresses at a hotel
• [17:35–18:24] - Closing advice: Prioritize connection over perfection

---

Final Advice

• Avoid using “lady” or “woman” as standalone labels when addressing a single woman directly.
• Use “miss” or “ma’am” for women (“miss” is safer for under-60; “ma’am” for older or in southern US).
• “Sir” works for men universally; use “gentlemen” for male groups and “ladies” for female groups.
• If you make a small mistake, let warmth and friendliness carry the interaction—connection, not perfection, is the goal.

---

If you found this summary helpful or want more English tips and cultural insights, don’t forget to follow All Ears English and explore their other episodes!

Transcript

[A]

This is an Allers English podcast. Episode 2488 lady or Miss how to Refer to Strangers in English.

[B]

Welcome to the All Ears English podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American host, Aubrey Carter, the IELTS whiz and Lindsey McMahon, the English adventurer, coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, usa. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com subscribe when you address a female, should you say lady? Should you say woman? Should you say miss? Or should you avoid these and use something else? Find out all of this and more today. Do you often end up in situations where you know exactly what you want to say but you don't have the English vocabulary words that you need in that moment? To succeed in English, you need nuanced English vocabulary. But first you need to know your English level. Take our free English level quiz to find out if you are B1, B2 2 or C1. Go to allearsenglish.com fluency score. That's allearsenglish.com FL N C Y S C O R E hey, Aubrey, how's everything going?

[A]

I'm great, Lindsay. How are you?

[B]

Good. Glad to be back on Allers English here. Aubrey, has anyone ever called you ma'? Am?

[A]

Yes, I am getting to the age where it's more and more common for someone to refer to me as ma'. Am. I remember the days when it was always miss. Right, right. I know when they're maybe a little younger and they'll say miss, but yeah, what about you?

[B]

Yeah, I'm. I'm also starting to hear it a little bit here and there, but I much prefer miss, like ma'.

[A]

Am. Oh, I guess I am old enough to be called ma'. Am. Yeah, that's all right.

[B]

It happens to everyone. I mean, we all age. So there you go.

[A]

And this is interesting. It can really difficult to know how to refer to someone when you don't know their first name. Those standalone labels to use. And I noticed this common mistake in Cancun when I was there. I just got back from a trip where someone would call me lady. They're like, here you go, lady. And then hand me a drink. And every time I would feel like not offended because I knew it wasn't intentional, but it felt like, yeah, yeah, sort of. It's interesting. It's hard to put words to how I just was like, oh, yeah, I'm.

[B]

Just Trying to think of the feeling that it's a very rough and raw way to refer to someone. Hey, lady.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's sort of. If you imagine, like, I don't know, movies where, like, there are a bunch of kids running around and maybe they, like, break someone's window and then they say, like, hey, lady.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, that's the vibe.

[A]

Exactly. Right. Lady is often used in the media or in everyday speech with a tone of frustration or maybe sarcasm or aggression. Like, hey, lady, move your car. It sounds really critical or annoyed. So I would try to just recognize that wasn't intended. But it was still hard to not feel that. We're so used to that.

[B]

Yeah, this is pretty funny, but we. You know how everyone that has a dog, their dog has, like, a voice, and the dog, like, you'll voice what the dog's saying. It sounds crazy, but we say that our dog says to us, lady. Like, you know, like, that's right.

[A]

So, hey, lady.

[B]

Lady, where's my dinner?

[A]

You know, hey, lady, where's my dinner? That's really funny. Right. Because it is sort of that demanding, commanding tone whenever we call a woman lady. So interesting. So. So I spoke with someone who. I actually took a Spanish class there at the resort that was offered, and it was just me, which was amazing. It could have been a huge group, but it just. I was the only one that showed up. So we were chatting for, like an hour. It was fantastic. And I mentioned this to her. I was like, oh, I've noticed, because she called me lady a couple times during the course. So I mentioned it to her, and it was really f. Fascinating. She told me that in her English class, she was taught that if it's a couple, they should be referred to as miss and mister, but a woman by herself should be called lady. So she said, we're all taught that. Like, everyone thinks that's right. And I said, at least in the States, it's interesting. There's like this whole sort of underlying feeling to this word lady.

[B]

Well, I could kind of understand how maybe people were taught that because we also have the term, you know, be a lady. Like, that's actually a high society with, you know, someone that has good manners and that's respected. Right. That kind of. That's an old phrase, but maybe, like, my parents would have said that to me in the 80s. Your legs, that sort of thing. So at one point, someone like a lady.

[A]

Right. There are all these phrases where it has a positive connotation, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But then when we use it as a standalone Label. It really has become this loaded word that is full of criticism and is sort of commanding or demanding. Yeah.

[B]

Just really rash, right? Yeah. Raw, for sure. Okay, Aubry, where should we go to next then? Where? What do we need?

[A]

So the first tip here is if you're wanting to show respect and avoid offending, we wouldn't use lady or woman as a standalone label. Right. We wouldn't say to someone, lady or woman. Right. They can sound blunt, impersonal, controlling, even demanding. They just have this collocation, especially in the States, possibly in the UK as well. I'm not sure. But this word woman, it's interesting, also has its sort of socially harsh. It can sound rude or cold if someone says, like, listen, woman. Right.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. For sure. Terrible. Very harsh. Yeah, very harsh. And then there's one caveat that I think we should mention in case our listeners hear it on tv. There was a form of slang, and I think this is more in the odds when this was Popular or the 2010s where you might hear, usually it was from a woman to their friend, another woman, close friends, in a term of endearment, they might. Might have said, hey lady, where do you want to get dinner tonight? Right. And that it's a. To hear. It is different from hey lady. Right. You know, very different.

[A]

I remember this. Yes. It was a different tone. And now we might hear hey girl. Right. Long ago would say, hey lady, and this has kind of gone away. I don't hear it much anymore. What about you, Lindsay?

[B]

I don't hear it much anymore. But the funny thing is that hey girl's been around forever. And I almost think that hey lady tried to replace hey girl. I feel like, you know.

[A]

Right. And hey girl would not be pushed aside. It stuck around. Girl's still there.

[B]

So if you do hear that everyone in the movies or a TV show from the ots, don't be surprised. But we won't go any further with that one because it is gone for now until it comes back again.

[A]

Right? Yeah. So let's go over some better options. Right. Because often we. We are in this situation where we don't know someone's first or last name and we need to get their attention. We need to say something. So for English speakers, Ms. Or Ma' am is appropriate. As we were mentioning, Ms. Is more flattering. It's for a younger woman. And unless someone is quite elderly, it's appropriate to call anyone miss. Both you and I could still be called miss. And we're so flattered.

[B]

I hope So I hope so.

[A]

I think so. And ma' am is also more common in the South. Right. If you see, like, a TV show and everyone's from the Southern United States, this is a term of respect to call someone ma'. Am.

[B]

And you might also hear. And we can cover this in a different episode, but you might hear people extending their answer. Like, if it's a yes or no answer, you might hear in the south more often, yes, ma' am or yes, sir, as opposed to just yes in the Northeast, for example.

[A]

Exactly. Right. If you ask someone to do something, instead of saying, like, yes, I will, they might say, yes, ma' am just to be polite.

[B]

Or even just like, I was watching Shark Tank last night and the sharks just asked the entrepreneur a question, and he said, yes, sir. Right. And I was thinking, oh, well, that's interesting, because I wouldn't have said, yes, sir. I would have just said, yes. That's correct.

[A]

Right. Interesting episode. Right, yeah. We could go into that on another one, but let's share a couple of examples. Right. So, for example, if you need to. You let someone know the direction they should head and you don't know their name, you could say, right this way, miss. And then if it's a woman who's quite a bit older, you could say, right this way, ma'. Am. But miss, I think is always. What do you think, Lindsay? Even if someone's quite a bit older, do you think you could still say, miss, right this way?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think maybe up to.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

We don't. I mean, I think you probably could get away with it up to retirement age. Right. Until, you know, someone's, you know, retired, more or less 60s, you probably could.

[A]

That makes sense to me because it would be kind of strange for someone to say to my grandmother, right. This we miss, when she's clearly a grandma.

[B]

I agree. Right, Exactly. Good. Or, you know, as you said, handing a drink. Here you are, ma'. Am. Right, good.

[A]

What else? And these really are necessary because if you are handing someone a drink and you just say, here you go, or here you are, to get their attention. Right. If they're looking away from you, you really do need that for politeness, that standalone label. So Ms. Or Ma' am and I would avoid lady. Yeah, Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is. Wow.

[B]

It must have been quite a groundbreaking conversation.

[A]

It was really interesting because she was sort of horrified that all of these. She said it so many times to so many American tourists with no idea that it has this sort of implication. She was really grateful I told her I'M like, I kind of want to go and tell everyone, but also it's tricky because I don't want them to feel like I'm criticizing their English here. They speak amazing English, much better than my Spanish, right? Oh, yeah. But no, that's what they were taught in school, and that's all you know.

[B]

But I think the good news is, I think if you're in that scenario and you're making a mistake like that people know that you're not trying.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Say it in the harsh way of lady. Right.

[A]

You're not. You're not totally right. It was like a polite tone and just. Yeah. Anyone they said that to? And I. I let her know that I'm like, no one's offended. Everyone recognizes that. You just don't know. Right?

[B]

Yeah, Very cool. But okay.

[A]

What's really interesting, because as we were chatting, this sort of came up that oddly, ladies, plural is fine. If it's like a group of women, it's like, right this way, ladies. There's nothing. Right. It's just when it's a standalone label for one person, there's this has been added sort of culturally, this negative implication to lady by itself.

[B]

Interesting. Yeah. Or, ladies, if you could please follow me. So totally fine when you're addressing a group of women.

[A]

Okay, exactly. Yeah. All right. And let's talk about for men as well, because this is tricky too. Mr. We would only use when we know the last name. Right. You might say, Mr. Johnson, come with me. But we wouldn't say like, here you go, mister, and hand someone a drink. So this was another mistake that they had been taught.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I mean, you might say it like to again, I might say this to my dog. Hey, mister, what are you doing? Jump. You know, lurching after these dogs when I don't give you permission, that kind of thing.

[A]

I might say to one of my kids, hey, mister, eat your food.

[B]

Yeah. But never from an adult to an adult. And kind of a service, restaurant situation. No know.

[A]

Right, exactly right. So a better option is sir. You can always say, like, right this way, sir. Or if you're handing them a drink, here you are, sir. That's appropriate. Luckily, for any age, you don't have the struggle with women wondering the age, sir works for any age.

[B]

Oh, I know. That's so easy.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

Why does it have to link to age for women but not for men? Right.

[A]

Yeah. It's just not fair. And then the plural is interesting here as well, that for a group of men, we wouldn't say sirs. Right this way, sirs. Instead, we would say gentlemen like gentlemen. If you could please come with me.

[B]

Very polite, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you in charge of hiring at your company? Every day that a role goes unfilled is a missed opportunity for your team and for your bottom line. That's why speed matters when it comes to hiring. So stop struggling to get your job. Post seen on other job sites. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps you stand out and hire fast. With Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates so you can reach the people you want faster, and it makes a huge difference. According to Indeed data, Sponsored Jobs posted directly on indeed have 45% more applications than non sponsored jobs. We found one of our best team members on Indeed and a big part of our success was the Fast process. There's no need to wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed and listeners of this show will get a 75 sponsored job credit. To get your jobs more visibility at indeed.com a e e just go to indeed.com aee right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com a e e terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. All right, we're gonna have a great role play today, I'm sure.

[A]

I'm the concierge of a hotel here, and Lindsay, you are waiting to check in and they're. You're with a group of people here.

[B]

Okay. So the context is already a little bit more formal. Sounds like. Is that right?

[A]

Yeah, I made myself a concierge because it has to be someone who wouldn't know your first names. Right. Because once you know someone's first name, then this kind of goes out the window. Window. I can just. Come with me, Lindsay. Or here you go, Lindsay. But if I don't know your name, then what standalone label can I use?

[B]

All right, let's see what we do here.

[A]

All right, I'll start off. All right. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Parkview Hotel. How can I assist you today?

[B]

Hi. We have a reservation for three under Lindsay.

[A]

Certainly, miss. I see it here. A two bedroom suite for three nights. I have a wristband here for each of you ladies and for you as well, sir.

[B]

Oh, and there's a credit card here on the desk. I think the woman that was just here left it.

[A]

Oh, thank you. We'll get it back to her right away.

[B]

Wow, this is pretty complex when you think about all the different usages here. Yeah. So you greeted us by saying, good evening, ladies. And gentlemen, because there are women and men in the group.

[A]

Right. And then when I went to refer to you directly, I said, certainly, Miss. I could maybe say ma', am, But I do think when you're right. At our age, we're kind of on the cusp of miss. We feel we don't mind someone saying.

[B]

Better to go down. Better to go down than to go up.

[A]

We'd rather you make us feel young than make us feel old. That's true.

[B]

And then you said, I have a wristband here for each of you ladies. And for you as well, sir. And we said, the plural of ladies, when there's more than one woman in a group is oddly fine.

[A]

Right, Exactly. So if I were just saying to you, I would not say, certainly, lady, here you go. Or I have a wristband for you, lady. Right. We. We don't use it individual standalone label. But to a group of women, then we do say, for you, ladies.

[B]

Yes. And for you as well, sir. And there's a little pause because there's a comma there. Right. For you as well.

[A]

Exactly. And we wouldn't say mister. We wouldn't say, and for you as well, mister. We would instead say, sir.

[B]

Nice. Love that. And then what's the last thing I said?

[A]

Yeah, and this is a little bit of a bonus here. So we wouldn't say lady when, you know, there's a credit card on the counter here and you saw the woman that was there before, you leave it. It. And so you say, I think the woman that was just here left it. This is interesting. Would you say, I think the lady that was just here left it?

[B]

Okay. So, yeah, I might.

[A]

Because it's not a label. You're not calling her lady.

[B]

You're not. You're not saying lady. Right. Hey, lady. I love that, the horse voice. Every time I demonstrate that, it's just great. No, so I do sometimes say in that context, I might say, oh, the lady was just here. I think it's okay. But I think it's more polite to say woman. The woman that was just here.

[A]

Yeah, that's definitely a nuance. Like, it's very subtle. I think the woman that was just here, you could say lady. It's a little more polite. But interestingly, all these sort of rules that we've been teaching you today are really only when you are referring to someone directly, when you're replacing their name with wow, like lady or woman. Right. We wouldn't say here you go, lady, as if lady is their name, but when you're referring to someone else then these words are fine. They're acceptable.

[B]

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you traveled to Mexico to get get to have this scenario, this situation and what a great episode. Aubry. I agree.

[A]

So interesting. This can be such a tricky situation, right? To know which standalone label to use. Don't want to offend somebody, but you may have been taught the wrong thing. Like a lot of these people at this resort in Cancun, in this whole area, all of the teachers are teaching them something that at least is not accurate in the state states or there.

[B]

Could be a translation from our native languages. That could be happening. Right. That could also be going on. But I think the most important thing is don't let this hinder connection because this will come at the very beginning of an interaction and if you, you know, if you don't know what to use, go with what comes to mind and do other things to strike up the connection. Smiling like you probably still felt like you had a nice connection with.

[A]

Absolutely right, right. She's using the intonation, she's using the friendliness. The smile was able to get up just passed any in, you know, implication of the word she was using. So that's a really good testament of connection, not perfection. Even if you're making a mistake, you're using a word that has this pretty negative connotation. Right. Whoever you're talking to knows that your real goal is to connect with them and even then it won't really matter.

[B]

I love it. Such a good episode today, guys. If you love our style episodes like this, go ahead and hit that follow button on Allers English right now. And don't forget to opt in for the professional level two course coming up soon at allers english.com high stakes.

[A]

All right, thanks Lindsay.

[B]

All right, Aubrey, talk to you soon. Have a good one you.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

Thanks for listening to Allears English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two minute quiz, go to allearsenglish.com forward SLF fluency score. And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.

[C]

And Doug, here we have the limu emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings vary underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts. Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change your receipt. Dip the sausage McMuffin with egg. Extra Value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5 only at McDonald's for a limited time. Prices and participation may vary.