AEE 2508: Dating Advice: How to Turn Down an Invitation with Kindness

Summary

All Ears English Podcast – Episode 2508 Summary

Title: Dating Advice: How to Turn Down an Invitation with Kindness
Hosts: Lindsay McMahon & Michelle Kaplan
Release Date: November 5, 2025

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode addresses the awkward but universal challenge of politely turning down a dating invitation. Lindsay and Michelle offer practical, culturally sensitive advice for English learners on how to reject invitations with kindness and respect, aiming for “connection, not perfection.” The discussion breaks down language strategies, emotional considerations, and cultural context, making it relevant for both language learners and anyone navigating social etiquette.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Awkwardness and Universality of Rejection

• Personal Anecdotes

  • Lindsay shares a story from middle school about inviting a boy, Nick, to a dance and being turned down with an odd excuse:

    “He said, no, I can’t go because I have to get my blood thickened that day.” (03:34, Lindsay McMahon)

  • Both hosts agree: turning someone down, or being rejected, is never easy, even for native speakers.

    “This is never easy, in my opinion.” (05:04, Michelle Kaplan)

• Empathy and Humanity

  • Emphasize the importance of treating people well, since asking someone out takes courage.
  • Reflect on “putting good karma out into the world,” even in micro-interactions.

2. Listener Question: How to Politely Decline a Date

• Listener Maroa 9748 asks for “ways to politely or diplomatically decline an invitation, in particular, a dating invitation.” (04:04)

3. The Four Elements of a Kind Rejection

Michelle structures polite rejection into clear steps:

a. Acknowledge and Thank

• Start by recognizing the courage it takes to ask someone out.
• Examples:
  • “Thanks so much for asking me.”
  • “I’m so flattered.”

  “Because it is flattering when someone asks.” (07:13, Lindsay McMahon)

b. Signal the Shift

• Use “lower the boom” phrases to prepare for rejection graciously.
• Common transitional words:
  • “But”
  • “Unfortunately”
  • “Truthfully”
• Highlight the noticeable change in tone at this point.

  “There’s a truth, there’s a but coming. You can hear in the tone of voice that there’s a but coming.” (07:44, Lindsay McMahon)

c. Deliver the Message

• Honesty is key; choose from direct or softer approaches depending on context:
  • “I’m not really looking to date right now.” (10:58, Michelle Kaplan)
    Only use if true, or risk inconsistency later.
  • “I’m really happy we’re friends, and I think we work well that way.”
  • “I really enjoy our friendship.”
  • “I’m seeing someone.” (If true—never lie.)
  • “I’m not available.”
  • Direct: “I’m not interested.”

  “If it’s true, ‘I’m seeing someone.’ Now that, that’s just honest.” (11:23, Lindsay McMahon)
  “The most direct would be: ‘I’m not interested.’” (11:34, Michelle Kaplan)

d. Close with Kindness

• End respectfully, maintaining dignity and goodwill:
  • “But thanks for thinking of me.”
  • “I appreciate the invitation.”

  “Just finishing it on a positive note. Again, kindness, respect.” (12:02, Lindsay McMahon)

4. Additional Etiquette and Context Tips

• Avoid insincerity or over-pitying; too much politeness can feel condescending.

  “You don’t want to make it such... so overly polite that it sounds like almost it gets obnoxious.” (12:35, Michelle Kaplan)

• Face-to-face rejections are most respectful, though, after a single date, text may be acceptable.

  “The more we can have these in person, the more we can maintain our humanity and our connection.” (13:25, Lindsay McMahon)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “No way. Definitely not. They’re very awkward.”
  — Lindsay McMahon on whether most native speakers have mastered this skill (04:55)

• “You don’t ever have to go out with anyone you don’t want to.”
  — Michelle Kaplan (05:44)

• “Honesty is the kindest thing to do.”
  — Lindsay McMahon (08:19)

• “If you say, ‘oh I’m really, really so,’ you know, that’s too much and a little self-indulgent.”
  — Lindsay McMahon on overdoing sympathy (12:49)

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Example Role Play (14:00–15:15)

• Michelle: “So are you free Friday night for dinner and a movie?”

• Lindsay: “Oh, wow. I am so flattered.”

• Michelle: “So what do you say?”

• Lindsay: “Well, truthfully, I’m really happy we’re friends, and I think we work well that way, but thanks for thinking of me.”

• Michelle: “I understand.”

• Lindsay and Michelle break down the language used, emphasizing a pause after the compliment, a “truthfully” pivot, and a gentle positive closure. Lindsay explains how indirectness can be polite, and Michelle highlights the importance of being a “trooper” (see also Episode 2495).

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Time-stamped Important Segments

• [03:34] Lindsay shares her own embarrassing rejection story.
• [04:04] Listener question about polite, diplomatic rejections.
• [05:44] Core advice: you never have to say yes if you don’t want to.
• [07:13] Complimenting and acknowledging the invitation.
• [08:00] Transitional words and “lowering the boom.”
• [10:34] Delivering the actual rejection and nuanced phrasing.
• [12:35] Cautions on not overdoing politeness.
• [13:25] Face-to-face vs. text etiquette for rejections.
• [14:00] Role play demonstrating techniques.
• [15:55] Empathy and the human side of rejection.

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Takeaways

• Polite and honest rejections are an essential life skill, and even native English speakers struggle with them.
• Key steps: acknowledge, transition gently, deliver the message, and close kindly.
• Empathy and directness (without cruelty) lead to better outcomes and preserve social connection.
• Don’t force yourself to accept invitations out of obligation, and never be insincere.
• “Connection, not perfection” applies just as much to sensitive conversations as to language learning.

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This episode is especially valuable for English learners seeking guidance on language and etiquette in delicate social situations—making sure both parties can move forward with dignity and kindness.

Transcript

[Michelle Kaplan]

This is an All Ears English podcast. Episode 2508 Dating Advice how to Turn down an Invitation with Kindness.

[Podcast Announcer]

Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And fluent by focusing on connection, not.

[Podcast Announcer]

Perfection with your American hosts. Learning Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Coming to you from Colorado and New York City, usa.

[Podcast Announcer]

And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com subscribe.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Do you sometimes get invited out on.

[Podcast Announcer]

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[Lindsay McMahon]

Out of the ordinary. Hey Michelle, how are you today? How's it going?

[Michelle Kaplan]

I'm good Lindsay. How are you?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Good. What are we getting into on the show for our listeners today?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, this is an interesting topic. Lindsay has some did someone ever asked you out on a date and you weren't interested?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes, it's happened and I know that I've been on the other side because I remember in middle school I asked out this kid. His name was Nick something. Nick Ano is his name. And I was so embarrassed because I wanted to go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance with him. A. And I was so excited, and I was sure he was going to say yes. And then he said no. But the reason he gave me that he couldn't go. He told me how to get his blood thickened.

[Michelle Kaplan]

What?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. He said, no, I can't go because I have to get my blood thickened that day.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Well, that's. That's a very interesting.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Like you. You're either very sick or you're making up a weird excuse.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Well.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Hope he's okay.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, I hope he's okay. So. Yeah, this is uncomfortable. No matter what, having to turn someone down or, of course, being on the other side can be humiliating as well. So we want to spare people's feelings. Right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly. So we're getting into this today because we have a really good listener question about this. This comes to us from yout From Maroa 9748. So, yes, I'll just. I'll just read it. It says, hi, Lindsay and Michelle. How about ways to politely or diplomatically decline an invitation, in particular, a dating invitation. Love it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Love the question. At some point, we all have to do this, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

The point is, like, make, I don't know, having. Putting good karma out into the world, treating people with respect. It's a big deal if someone stands up and asks you out on a date. Right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. Yeah. So this is an important topic. Really great question. I mean, Lindsay, honestly, do you think most native speakers have this skill mastered?

[Lindsay McMahon]

No way.

[Podcast Announcer]

Definitely not.

[Lindsay McMahon]

They're very awkward. So this is something we're all learning together, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. Exactly. So even native speakers.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

No matter if you know the language, you know perfectly and you're extremely fluent. This is. This. This is never easy, in my opinion.

[Lindsay McMahon]

100. So we're gonna. But we like to steer through the difficult scenarios and the easy ones here on allers English for our listeners to maintain that connection. So, guys, if you like our style.

[Podcast Announcer]

Then go on over and hit the.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Follow button right here in allers English. Make sure you are actually following the show so that we come up in your queue, your listening cue on a daily basis.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Okay, that's right. So, all right. So let's get into it. So the most important thing to remember is that you don't ever have to go out with anyone you don't want to.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Sure.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Of course. We have different things in different cultures. And so. But we're just talking about, you know, our experiences here. If you don't want to, you should not just say yes to be Polite.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

You should not force yourself.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes, I totally agree, Michelle. So we need the skills to do it. Right. So, Michelle, if someone asks you on.

[Podcast Announcer]

A date and you just really aren't.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Interested, what can you say?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. So I tried to break this down. That kind of reminds me of our last episode into a few steps. So, of course. Okay. Like, it also depends. Is this person a respectful person, a nice person, or is this kind of someone on the street or you meet at a bar who's being, you know, a little.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

A little.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Forceful.

[Sponsor Voice]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

If this is a nice person who maybe there you can tell they've worked up the courage to ask you. Right. You know, I would say the first thing is to acknowledge or to thank them. Right. So you don't have to make a big deal out of it. You don't owe this person. But again, if it's a nice person you just don't feel chemistry with, and you want to be polite. And as the listener asked about. So. And you can be great, graceful and kind, and that that person did just put themselves out there to ask you out, and that can scary as well. So, like, Lindsay was talking about, you know, you have to put yourself kind of in their shoes as well, for sure.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So we want to make sure we respond with kindness. So saying something like, thanks so much for asking me, or I'm so flattered. I mean, that is a good one. Because it is flattering when someone asks. Yeah, right. If you weren't aware that they liked you or that kind of thing. It's flattering for sure.

[Michelle Kaplan]

But then there's the signal word. And that's. I'm gonna call it the lowering of the boom. Oh, lower the boom. That's kind of when you get to the.

[Lindsay McMahon]

The hard part.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. There's a truth.

[Lindsay McMahon]

There's a but coming. You know, you can hear in the tone of voice that there's a but coming.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes, exactly. So there are certain words, certain keywords. But is one of them. Unfortunately is another. And truthfully. And then the tone of voice changes. Right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So it's kind of like, oh, I'm so flattered. Unfortunately. Right. Yes.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes. There's a real change there.

[Podcast Announcer]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So, I mean, Lindsay, so far, we're kind of laying the groundwork.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

For a rejection. Sure. And.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And it's. It's.

[Michelle Kaplan]

It's difficult. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I mean, I don't know. In life, sometimes there are moments when, like, we have to be honest. Right. And honesty is the kindest thing to do. True. Right. So that's why we're learning the key words here. To make sure we don't hurt the person and maybe even stay friends with them. Right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

True.

[Lindsay McMahon]

But yeah, there are just moments where we have to be honest sometimes.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes, exactly. And after the break, we are going to move on to the hardest part.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, here we go.

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[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, what is the hardest part? Michelle?

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, so this is getting. Now we've set the. We've laid the groundwork. Okay, now we're getting into the meat of it, the actual rejection. So you know, what can you say? So remember, you need something from before the break. One of the things we talked about. And then here are some different things you could say. So one is I'm not really looking to date right now.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And be careful with this one because then if next week you're going out.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Try and just use this.

[Lindsay McMahon]

If it's true, if it's really true and you're actually sticking to that for a while, I'm really happy we're friends and I think we work well that way. A lot of W's there. We work well that way.

[Michelle Kaplan]

We work. That. That's funny. Or you couldn't say, oh, I really enjoy our friendship, or I'm seeing someone.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Now, if that's true, don't lie because you'll always be caught in that lie. Right. But if it's true, I'm, I'm seeing someone. Now that, that's just honest. Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I mean, and you could also just say, I'm not available. Or you could. The most direct would be, I'm, I'm not interested. Right. Anything else you might say?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, we can add that to the list. I'm just, I, like, I'm not interested. I'm not available. Yeah, I think we covered it, Michelle.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

And then so, so now that we've gotten through the really hard part, now we can kind of close it out. So what could you say?

[Lindsay McMahon]

You could say something like, but thanks for thinking of me, but I appreciate the invitation. Right. That sort of thing. Just finishing it on a positive note. Again, kindness, respect.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. I mean, again, it's so hard to reject someone, but it does happen all the time. I mean, any, any. I mean, it's a part of life, unfortunately, and everybody goes through it. And you know, I also think it's important not to make it seem too much like you're pitying the person. Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

You don't want to make it such. So overly polite that it sounds like almost it gets obnoxious. Right. Because if you say like, oh, I'm really, really so I know, like, you.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Know, that's too much and a little self indulgent.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, Exactly. Just, you know, be very matter of fact. I mean, be kind, but you don't have to. I mean, you know, they'll, they'll get, they will get over it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. For sure. And as much as you can have this conversation in person, the better. I mean, I know a lot of times what happens, you know, New York and the dating world is you, like, talk with someone and then, you know, someone will ask someone out for the next date and then there'll be that rejection by text. Yeah. And that's kind of hard. So I don't know, I guess that's appropriate after one date. You're not necessarily going to get together and do the breakup speech after one date. But the more we can have these in person, the more we can maintain our humanity and our connection with other human beings. Right? Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. Right. Should we do a role play?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, let's do it. So here. So we are friends.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I am going to ask you out.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay. I'm flattered, Michelle, but I'm actually married.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I was like this is going to be an interesting role play. But there was nothing else I could do. I love it. I love it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Let's do it. Let's go for it.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, here we go.

[Lindsay McMahon]

All right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Okay. So are you free Friday night for dinner and a movie? Oh, wow.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I am so flattered.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So what do you say?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Well, truthfully, I'm really happy we're friends, and I think we work well that way, but thanks for thinking of me. Okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I understand.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Michelle rejected. Boom. That's hilarious. I love it. Good stuff here. So we brought in all the elements. Michelle, what do we say first?

[Michelle Kaplan]

So I asked you, and then you said, oh, wow, I'm so flattered. And then you stopped. Pause.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right? And then. And then you actually came. And then. So a little. And you said, so, what do you think? Think? What do you say? What do you. And that's a bonus for today.

[Michelle Kaplan]

What do you say?

[Lindsay McMahon]

What do you say? What do you.

[Michelle Kaplan]

What do you.

[Sponsor Voice]

What do you.

[Lindsay McMahon]

We could do another episode. Michelle, on that. What do you think? What do you say? And then I said, well, truthfully. And here's the pivot right into kind of the bad news. I'm really happy we're friends, and I think we work well that way. It's a little indirect, right? Because I'm not directly saying, no, I don't want to date you. I'm saying, I think we should be friends.

[Sponsor Voice]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

But it's good. And then the kindness at the end. But thanks for thinking of me.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. Oh, better luck next time, Michelle.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So I think after this, I'm gonna have to be a trooper, right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Big time. A trooper. We talked about a trooper, and this was episode 2495. Is being a trooper praised in your culture? So, guys, go check out that episode.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yes.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. So takeaways for today. Oh, man. There's no easy way to do this. I think if you. Honestly, I think if you don't.

[Podcast Announcer]

If.

[Michelle Kaplan]

If this is too easy for you, maybe. Maybe you need to check the feelings department, because I can't imagine this being easy for anyone.

[Lindsay McMahon]

No, it never is. Because we're humans and we have this. We have the mirror neurons that come up. I mean, you know, when you watch a movie and someone gets hurt, then you find. Feel a pang of. Oh, that kind of hurt in your body. It's the same thing that we feel, the empathy, the mirror neurons that we know we could be in this position next year asking someone we really have a crush on out, and then they reject us. So this is very human. So treating the person with kindness and respect is the key here. This is what this is about, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, absolutely. All right, well, I'm glad that we talked about this. And guys, good luck in your dating lives.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, good stuff today, Michelle. Talk to you soon. Have a good.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, bye.

[Lindsay McMahon]

All right, bye. Thanks for listening. To all ears. English.

[Podcast Announcer]

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[Lindsay McMahon]

Take our two minute quiz, go to allearsenglish.com forward/fluency score. And if you believe in connection, not.

[Podcast Announcer]

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