AEE 2628: Who Else Is Going? Is It Okay to Ask?

Summary

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All Ears English Podcast – Episode 2628

Title: Who Else Is Going? Is It Okay to Ask?
Hosts: Lindsay McMahon & Michelle Kaplan
Date: June 3, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Lindsay and Michelle explore the social etiquette of asking “Who else is going?” when invited to a gathering in American culture. The discussion emphasizes why this question can damage connections, offers more polite ways to inquire about attendees, and addresses how intentions might be misunderstood. Listeners get practical advice for making and preserving strong social connections—always with the “connection not perfection” mindset that defines the show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why “Who Else Is Going?” Can Break Connection

• Lindsay and Michelle both share personal experiences where being asked “Who else is going?” felt uncomfortable or insulting.
• Michelle: “It makes you feel like, ‘Oh, so I’m not good enough?’” (02:14)
• Lindsay: “It really sounds like something that a snobby girl would say to you in middle school or something.” (03:34)
• The question suggests the inviter’s presence isn’t sufficient and may communicate a desire to only attend if certain “cool” people are present.

American Cultural Norms vs. Other Cultures

• The hosts ponder whether the question is as offensive elsewhere.
• Michelle: “Maybe in other cultures, it’s not offensive. Maybe it’s just, you know, you’re inquiring.” (06:24)
• But in American culture, asking before giving an RSVP is generally considered rude unless your attendance is already confirmed.

Polite (and Impolite) Phrasings

• Impolite/Connection-Breaking Phrases:
  • “Who else is going?” before you've said yes.
  • “Depends who is coming” as your RSVP.
  • “Who else has said yes?”
• More Acceptable Alternatives:
  • If you’re already going: “Who else is RSVP’d?” (13:47)
  • Expressing enthusiasm: “Oh, I’m so excited to see everyone! Who’s coming?”
  • Softening: “I’m hoping to come. I’ll let you know this evening, if that’s okay. Who’s coming so far? I’m sure it’ll be fun.” (10:44)
• Lindsay: “If you’ve already given your RSVP and that person knows very well that you are coming … it’s totally okay.” (07:07)
• Michelle: “If it's not what’s making your decision, who else is coming, then make sure that's obvious.” (12:16)

Role Plays: Evaluating Different Scenarios

• Role Play 1
  • Michelle: “Sounds like fun. Is anyone I know coming?” (13:02)
    • Borderline okay—the focus isn’t just on who’s going, but the tone could matter.
• Role Play 2
  • Lindsay: “Yeah, I’ll be there. Who else is RSVP’d?” (13:47)
    • Polite, since acceptance comes before the question.

Why Motive Matters

• Discussing the importance of motive and honesty—sometimes anxiety or unfamiliarity drives the question.
• Michelle: “Unless you’re totally honest about that and say, ‘I got nervous around new people, but I really want to come,’ that would probably be fair.” (15:01)
• These concerns are less risky in established friendships (“The person knows you in context...” (15:35)), but in new relationships, caution is advised.

Turning Awkwardness into Opportunity

• Both hosts encourage open-mindedness about events:
  • Michelle: Story of going on a trip alone after a friend canceled, initially feeling anxious but ending up with a rewarding experience. (11:22)
  • Lindsay: “If you get invited to a party with a bunch of native speakers you don’t really know … Huge learning opportunity for fluency building.” (11:56)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Talk about the fastest way to break a connection.” – Lindsay (04:58)
• [Episode idea] “Maybe one day we’ll do the 10 fastest ways to break connection in English and this will be on the list.” – Lindsay (05:14)
• “If you’re doing this in a disingenuous way, you know, it might—you might not be able to fool the person.” – Michelle (10:58)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:06 – Initial feelings when asked “Who else is going?”
• 03:34 – Role-play example (“snobby girl in middle school”)
• 04:58 – Why the question breaks connection
• 06:24 – Cultural perspective: Is this an American thing?
• 09:27 – Can you ever ask politely?
• 10:44 – Softer, more acceptable ways to inquire
• 11:22 – Michelle’s college trip story (branching out)
• 11:56 – Why not knowing people at an event is good for language learning
• 12:16 – How to make clear your curiosity isn’t decision-based
• 13:02 – Role play: Inquiring if anyone you know is coming
• 13:47 – Role play: Asking after confirming RSVP
• 15:01 – Being honest about social anxiety
• 15:35 – Why context matters less among close friends

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Takeaways

• Avoid asking “Who else is going?” before you RSVP—in the U.S., it’s usually perceived as rude and connection-breaking.
• Motive and context matter—with close friends or if honestly expressed (e.g., social anxiety), the question may be acceptable.
• Express enthusiasm and acceptance first, then inquire—if at all.
• Open-mindedness pays off—attending gatherings regardless of who’s there can create new connections and great learning moments.
• Be aware of cultural differences—this norm may vary globally, but in American English-speaking contexts, caution is advised.

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Related Episodes

• Episode 2612: “I’m up for it if you are: How to recruit your friends to join you at social events”

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Final Thoughts

The episode highlights a subtle but significant aspect of American social etiquette, reminding English learners that connection often lies in small moments of kindness and thoughtfulness. As Lindsay puts it:
“Every word you say matters a little more when it’s a new relationship where it could make or break.” (15:35)

Listeners are encouraged to focus on genuine connection, clear communication, and cultural sensitivity as they navigate American social life.

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Transcript

[Michelle Kaplan]

This is an All Ears English podcast. Episode 2628. Who else is going? Is it okay to ask?

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

Welcome to the All Ears English podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American hosts. Listen, Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, coming to you from Colorado and New York City, usa. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com subscribe when you get invited to a party,

[Lindsay McMahon]

is it okay to ask who else is going?

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

Before accepting who, find out why you

[Lindsay McMahon]

might want to avoid this, especially with new connections and friends.

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

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[Lindsay McMahon]

Hey there, Michelle. How's everything today?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Good, Lindsay. How are you feeling?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Good. Glad to be on the podcast with you. Michelle, have you ever invited someone to something and then they go and they ask who else is going?

[Michelle Kaplan]

O, yeah. That doesn't feel great.

[Lindsay McMahon]

No, it really doesn't. I mean, how did it make you feel?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, I mean, it makes you feel like, oh, so I'm not good enough or.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

You know, it just. It just doesn't feel right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

You know, it's really not. It's not a classy thing to say.

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

It's really.

[Michelle Kaplan]

No, no, it's definitely not. Have you been on that position?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, I feel like when I was younger, I. I got that question sometimes, and that made me like the person a lot less when they asked me that.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, it kind of tells you something about the person, right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, that they. They just want to be around the cool kids, you know, and.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

That maybe you're not a cool kid, but if they're going to be cool kids there, they'll go, Right. That's not.

[Michelle Kaplan]

That's not good. No. Yes, exactly. So today we're going to talk about this situation and what not to say. So this actually came up in a recent episode about deciding to go to something with a friend.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I'm gonna see if I can find that episode number for you later on. But if not, just, you know, scroll through. You'll see it was. It was a good one. So. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. So guys, before we go any further, make sure you hit that follow button so that you are. The show is dropping right into your listening queue five days a week. Right. Is get into the habit of listening to allers English hanging out us five days a week. And you will see that fluency start to get better and better.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right. Yes, that's right. Yeah. So, Lindsay, let's talk about it. So this situation is different. This is if you ask, right. In that other episode, it was if you ask who's coming to something in a way that makes it seem like you're the. Like you're making your decision to come based on who else is going to be there and not good. No. Whether it's true or not, if you ask who is coming before you give your rsvp, it can be really insulting to the person inviting you.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Totally agree. 100. So what are we getting into today then, Michelle?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, so we're talking basically today is a what not to say episode and then we're going to talk about it. You know, what you. What you could possibly do. So. But let's give a little role play example of exactly how this sounds.

[Lindsay McMahon]

All right? So, Michelle, are you coming to my party on Saturday?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Maybe. Who else is going?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Oh, I have no reason.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Ouch. Right? That is good.

[Lindsay McMahon]

It really sounds like something that like a snobby girl would say to you in middle school or something.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes. You know. Yes. It's so true. It is. That is a. It's very painful. So people know what that means, right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

People know exactly what that means. Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes, yes. So definitely this is something that we want to avoid. Why, Lindsay?

[Lindsay McMahon]

I mean, it's. Talk about the fastest way to break a connection. We're all about connection here on the show. Human connection through language. And this is it, right? We maybe, maybe one day we'll do the 10 fastest ways to break connection in English and this will be on the list.

[Michelle Kaplan]

This would absolutely be on the list.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And so that's the answer. It just breaks connection right away. It makes the person feel like they're not enough. Although it's not worth even feeling that way in front of someone that has like, lacks the class and says something like this. Right. Like they don't deserve to make you feel that way. But you still might feel that way, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes, yes, exactly. And I did find that episode number, so I'm going to give that out to you guys at the end of the episode so you can listen to how we got to this episode. Really? So, yeah. What is another thing that someone might say that is the same type of idea.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. Just not maybe with different words, but saying the same thing people might say? Depends on who is coming. Right. If I asked you if you're coming to my party. Oh, sorry. Depends who is coming.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, right, right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Or.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I mean, or. Or it depends on who's coming. Either one. Both you might hear. Or who else has said yes. Yeah. Or.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Or who else has said yes so far, maybe.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, right. So. And. And I. This also. Is this a cultural thing?

[Lindsay McMahon]

That's a really good question.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Because, you know, maybe in other cultures it's not offensive. Maybe. Maybe it's just, you know, you're inquiring. And. And the truth is, sometimes you might just be inquiring. It might. But it. But the perception, at least in American culture, is if you're going to ask that question and you haven't a. You haven't given your rsvp, you didn't say whether or not you're coming. Now it sounds like, okay, you're only coming if Betsy and Rita are coming, but you don't want us just, you know, you don't want to just come for me. Right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, totally. Now, if you've already given your RSVP and that person knows very well that you are coming, maybe you're helping plan or something, it's totally okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right?

[Lindsay McMahon]

But that's different.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Totally different. Yeah. So really important to think about this here. But, yeah, I like that, Lindsay. Like, if we did an episode or a series on the 10 fastest ways to break a connection, that would be interesting. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Guys, hit the follow button. I'm excited for that episode to see. What are these. These devastating things you might do that you want to think twice about before doing them or saying them. Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

That's pretty funny. Yeah, that would be a funny episode. So. But yeah, we're gonna take a little bit of a break, and then we're gonna come back and keep talking about this.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay.

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

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[Lindsay McMahon]

e e All right, Michelle, we are back.

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

So where to?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Where should we go now?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, so I, I was trying to think of ways to inquire without making it rude. So I was trying to think, oh, what could you say? But like I said, what I realized is if you are truly dist. Guiding your decision. Yeah. Based on who's coming, then I don't know that there is a polite way to do this.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

What do you think, Lindsay?

[Lindsay McMahon]

I, I would probably stay away entirely. I mean, you know, do, do you want to cultivate the friendship with the host or not? Right. It's really about that, you know, and, and I feel like this is probably something that happens. I would hope a little less and less as we get older and we just kind of value the friendships we have rather than wanting to be around certain people. But I don't know, maybe that's not true. I don't know. Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. So try to make your decision based on the event. I mean especially, I mean if, like, if you're going to an event where you might have the opportunity to speak English, you know, like you go to the event, you know, don't worry who's gonna be there. You might meet someone new. You know, it's, it's a very closed minded thing to just, you know, say, oh, I'm only going if these people are going. I understand the feeling of wanting to go there. Maybe, maybe you have social anxiety, right? Oh yeah. Ye. And you. And that's why, however, it just, it just is not a good look. So I mean you could say something like, oh, I'm hoping to come. I'll let you know this Evening, if that's okay. Who's coming so far? I'm sure it'll be fun. So that, like, it kind of softens it a little bit, but it's still. I don't know.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Well, because you're saying certain things that are softening it and not making it seem like your decision hinges on who's going. You're saying, oh, I'm hoping to come. Right. I'm sure it will be fun. I'll let you know this evening. Things. You're saying other things. So that's passable, I guess, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

It's possible. Yeah. But it's like, you know, if. If you're doing this in a disingenuous way, you know, it might.

[Advertisement Voice]

You.

[Michelle Kaplan]

You might not be able to fool the person, but.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, it's also kind of fun just to show up to a party and not quite know who. I mean, you have some idea because you know who your friend's friends are. Right. So you have some idea usually who. Who will be there. But sometimes it's fun just to show up and see who's there.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. Oh, my God. I. Well, I mean, it brings me back to. In college, I was going on a trip, and it was like an organized, big trip, and I was going with my friend, and she at the last minute got sick and she backed out, and I was. Oh, my gosh, I was freaking out, and, oh, I'm supposed to go with this friend. And then it turned out probably to be the best thing. I mean, that. That she didn't go. I mean, no offense to her, but I think it branched me out. Because then you're kind of stuck to that person.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, that's the thing when you don't really know. You just know people as acquaintances. You can branch out a lot more. And that's actually really good for learning a language. Like, if you get invited to a party with a bunch of native speakers, you don't really know anyone that well. It's a huge. And you're not with anyone else that you know, especially that speaks your language. Huge learning opportunity for fluency building.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So. So if it's not what's making your decision, who else is coming, then make sure that that's obvious. So you might say something like, oh, who's coming? I'm so excited to see everyone. So this implies you're going. You are going. You're just curious.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah. Or you say you could say they've asked you if you're coming. Yes, I'll be there. Who else is RSVP'd, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Yeah. So this makes it clear that you're just. You're just wondering who's gonna be there, but you're excited anyway, you're going. So let's do some role plays, Lindsay.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, Here we go. So here. I asked you to a movie night. Love movie nights. Love going to the movies. All right. So are you interested?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Sounds like fun. Is anyone I know coming?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, Beth will be there, too.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Oh, awesome. Yeah, I think I can make it. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So you kind of slipped it in there. The question a little bit. Borderline, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Borderline. Right. You know, sometimes there's that gray area, but we. But we absolutely want to avoid is who else is coming? Tone of voice or depends who's coming. Right. That. That really makes it seem like it's hinging on it. I think it's fair to ask if people you know are coming. So.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, yeah, let's do another one. So in this one, I am waiting on an RSVP from you for my birthday dinner. All right. Okay.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Okay. So can you make it?

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

Yeah, I'll be there.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Who else is RSVP'd?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Oh, our whole group is coming too. Oh, I'm so glad you can make it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

That's awesome. Can't wait. So here. I already said. I said, yes, I'm coming. Right. So if I'm asking who else is RSVP'd after, it's a very different question.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And the first one you kind of said, you kind of tentatively said, sounds like fun. So you're enthusiastic about it no matter who's coming. So this one's better. This one's a little more polite because you already said, yes, I'm coming. Yeah, Right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. Really interesting. So, guys, that other episode I was talking about is 2612. That was. I'm up for it if you are. How to recruit your friends to join you at social events. Good.

[Lindsay McMahon]

All right. Excellent. Okay. Yes. Michelle, I think this definitely goes in the top 10 of the fastest ways to break connection. Hit follow. If you're interested in that episode coming up soon. Any other takeaway, Michelle? I mean. Yeah. What do you think?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Any other takeaways? Yeah, just, you know, sometimes we have to talk about what not to do. Right. And how it can sound, and it's the perception of what it gives often, even if maybe your intention isn't that, and maybe you just have a really genuine intention, like that you're really anxious and.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

You know, it's hard, you know, and it's hard for you. It Just, it's. Unless you're totally honest about that, you know, and say, I, I'm just like, I got nervous around new people. I really want to come. But you know, you know, that, that, that would probably be fair if you're just honest, but if you're just saying, oh, who else is going? It's really gonna make it sound like you're a social seeker, a social letter. I don't know. A climber. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. So, but this has been really interesting to talk about today. Yeah, I love it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And, you know, if you know the person well that you're talking to that you're answering that question, it's not as devastating every single word you say. Right. Because the person knows you. They know you in context and they know, like, oh, that's not what she meant, or, you know, she's just distracted or busy or something. But it's more about, like, new relationships where it could make or break. Right. So we want to be really intentional here. Really good, good topic today. Michelle and I will see you back on the mic soon.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, Lindsay.

[Advertisement Voice]

Bye, guys.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Bye. Take care.

[Podcast Host / Announcer]

Thanks for listening to Allears English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com fluencyscore and if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.

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