AEE: How to Relate But Not Dominate in English Conversations

Summary

Podcast Summary: All Ears English – "How to Relate But Not Dominate in English Conversations"

Hosts: Lindsay McMahon & Michelle Kaplan
Date: September 20, 2025
Episode Theme: Mastering the art of sharing personal experiences to connect with others in English conversations—without overshadowing the other person's struggles.

---

Episode Overview

Lindsay and Michelle explore a nuanced, high-level skill essential for English learners: how to relate to someone else's struggle by sharing your own experiences—just enough to build connection, but not so much that the conversation becomes about you. The episode offers practical frameworks, vocabulary, and examples, focusing on "Connection NOT Perfection."

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why This Skill Matters

• Connection Over Competition: Recognizing that when someone is vulnerable and shares a struggle, the goal is to support, not to overshadow.
  • “Sometimes when you're opening up, it takes a lot to actually open up and then if the person kind of twists it around and makes it about them, it can be really demoralizing.” – Lindsay (02:03)
• Sharing briefly about oneself shows empathy, but dominating derails the support.

2. Anatomy of a Supportive Response

Breakdown from a Role Play (05:02–05:16)

• Michelle: “Oh, man. I just feel like I've hit rock bottom.”
• Lindsay: “I know it feels that way, Michelle. Listen, I really think you'll bounce back after your vacation. It will completely refresh you. That's how it was for me the last time I went away. I overcame what was bothering me and I had a completely fresh start.”

Analysis:

• Lindsay briefly relates her own experience but immediately shifts focus back to Michelle’s needs.
  • “It remained clear that I was here to listen to you and relate everything back to your concern, your problem.” – Lindsay (05:26)

Underlying Principles

• Share, but Don’t Monologue:
  • Keep references to your own story short—don’t launch into details unless asked.
• Bridge Back to the Other Person:
  • Use the connection as a tool for support, not self-focus.

3. Practical Strategies & Phrases

• “Briefly touch on your experience.” – Michelle (06:32)
• Avoid monologues and unrelated details:
  • “You don't need to then go into a monologue about what happened to you. I think the timing is important. Just a little touch, a little sprinkle.” – Michelle (06:32)
• Relate Directly to Their Situation:
  • Strip away extra details; focus on what will genuinely help.
  • “We only care about what's going to help the person we're talking with.” – Lindsay (07:17)

Useful Expressions (07:46–12:31)

• “I can totally relate...”
  • Example: “I can totally relate. I felt so lost after I lost my job. But you will find a way to make it through. And I'm always here to talk.” (08:01)
• “I remember feeling that way when...”
  • Example: “I remember feeling frustrated when I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. It helped me to try to speak to as many people as possible about my interests.” (09:21)
• “I've been there.”
  • Example: “I've been there. You're so strong. You will figure it out.” (11:48)
• “That makes me think of when I...”
  • Example: “That makes me think of when I first started my business. I know it’s a lot at first, but I promise you it will work out.” (12:21)
• Key Reminder: If someone wants more details, they will ask.

4. Role Play: Applying the Skill (13:55–14:53)

Scenario: Losing Out on a Dream House

• Lindsay: “I'm just so disappointed. I've been looking for forever.”
• Michelle: “Oh, Lindsay. I know. I remember feeling that way when I was house hunting. It's a lot. And this is a hard market. I really think you'll find something soon.”
• Lindsay: “Thanks, Michelle. That helps.”

Takeaway:
Michelle uses “I remember feeling that way when…” to express empathy, shares briefly, then reassures Lindsay and leaves the door open for further connection.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There’s a very fine, you know, fine way to do it without swaying the conversation to make it about you.” – Lindsay (06:10)
• “Just a little sprinkle. And then don't go into too much detail.” – Michelle (06:48)
• “If they want to know more about what happened to you, they will ask.” – Lindsay (12:02)
• “This is just such a powerful tool to be self aware of how you sound when you're trying to relate to someone when they're struggling, when they're being vulnerable and sharing with you ... It's kind of an art.” – Michelle (17:16)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:03: Why making it about yourself is harmful
• 05:02–05:16: Role play example of supportive sharing
• 06:32–07:21: Framework for brief, focused sharing
• 07:46–12:31: Phrase bank + how to use them
• 13:55–14:53: Role play: empathy in action
• 16:13: How to leave the door open for further connection
• 17:16: Wrap-up and reminder—the art of self-aware connection

---

Additional Resources

• Related Episode: [Ep 2440: Ups and Downs in English, Part 2 – How to Bounce Back] (16:52)
• Early Access for Level 2 Professional English Course: allearsenglish.com/highstakes

---

Takeaway

The ability to relate is a high-level English skill that builds genuine connections. Share your experiences, but keep them brief and relevant, always bridging back to the other person’s story. This approach not only fosters mutual understanding but leaves space for deeper conversations and future connection—“Connection NOT Perfection!” (17:47)

Transcript

[Michelle Kaplan]

This is an All Ears English podcast. How to relate but not dominate in English conversations.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Welcome to the All Ears English podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American hosts, Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, coming to you from Colorado and New York City, usa. And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglish.com subscribe when a friend or acquaintance shares a struggle that they're having, how can you share just enough of your own experience and without driving the conversation in a different direction? Get this super important connection skill today.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So good, so good, so good.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

New fall arrivals are at Nordstrom Rack stores. Now get ready to save big with up to 60% off. Vince, Kurt, Geiger London and more.

[Michelle Kaplan]

How did I not know Rack has Adidas? Because there's always something new.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock exclusive discounts on your favorite brands. Shop new arrivals first and more. Plus, get an extra 5% off every rack purchase with a Nordstrom credit card. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Hey there, Michelle. How's it going today?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Hey, Lindsay. Pretty, pretty good. How are you feeling?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Good today? Michelle, do you ever open up to someone about something that's going on in your life and then that person just makes it all about them?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Does that ever happen to you? Of course. I think it, I think it happens to everybody. That's so frustrating. What do you think? Have. Does that happen to you?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Ah, no. That's really bad. Right? Because sometimes when you're opening up, it takes a lot to actually open up and then if the person kind of twists it around and makes it about them, it can be really demoralizing, I think.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So today we are going to talk about how to connect and share yourself without taking away from the other person. Right. Without you. You want to share something but you don't because you think maybe it would help, maybe it would build a connection, but you don't want to then make it seem like you're pulling them away saying, oh, I want to, you know, focus on myself. You're still feeding their context.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes. I love this topic. This is a very refined and high level connection skill today. Michelle. So excited.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly. And guys, something we are really excited about for is for a quick heads up. So in a few weeks we are going live with our brand new professional English level two course, Lindsay. We can't wait for this.

[Lindsay McMahon]

We can't wait. Michelle. We are super excited because we launched Professional English level one back in the spring and now here we are in the fall, we are ready for Professional Level 2. This course is in depth. It is profound. It is built to prepare you for the high stakes English situations for your global workplace. Things like you are leading the meeting. Are you prepared with your agenda? Do you know how to articulate it in English? Do you know how to push back on objections and sales conversations and so much more, Michelle, So good.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes. Oh, my gosh. This is really good for those really important moments that matter. Right? So it's going to really help you.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, you got it, Michelle. Where can our listeners go to get on the early access list? If you get on this list, guys.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes.

[Lindsay McMahon]

You will be the first ones to hear when the course becomes available.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. So go to allearsenglish.com high stakes. So I'm going to spell that out for you. That's H G, H S, T A K E S. Yes, that is it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So go straight to that link, enter your name and email, and you will be the first that we notify when the course is ready to get the best possible price. All right. Good stuff, Michelle.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exciting. Can't wait for that. Yes.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So how.

[Lindsay McMahon]

How did this idea for today come up? Michelle, this is a great topic for today.

[Michelle Kaplan]

This is going to be really fun. So this idea actually came from an episode we did about ups and downs. So we're gonna give you the episode number and name towards the end of the episode. So listen up. For that we did a role play and we are gonna read you actually a small part of the role play so we can talk about it and where this idea came from. So this is actually from that other episode. So in this role play, I was discouraged because I got reprimanded at work. Okay, so here we go.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Here we go.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right. Oh, man. I just feel like I've hit rock bottom.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I know it feels that way, Michelle. Listen, I really think you'll bounce back after your vacation. It will completely refresh you. That's how it was for me the last time I went away. I overcame what was bothering me and I had a completely fresh start.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Okay, perfect. So that is from that other episode. Look out for that number towards the end of this episode. So, Lindsay, but what was special about this? Oh, my God.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Such a high level connection skill here. So what I did was I spoke about my own experience, but it was very clear, it remained clear that I was here to listen to you and relate everything back to your concern, your problem.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, right, right, exactly. You didn't just say, oh, now we're going to talk about me. So this is what this episode is about. I mean, how. How did you do that? Because this is such a huge skill for connection. Again, sharing your own. You don't want to stay quiet. This is a really helpful tool to share yourself. But doing in that way that doesn't overpower what the other person is saying, that doesn't, you know, just take away from them. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And you also don't want to just. It adds value when you share your story. Yeah. Because it makes you more relatable. But there's a very fine, you know, fine way to do it without swaying the conversation to make it about you. Like you said, Michelle. So let's talk about what I did. Right. Maybe we have a couple of steps or strategies that we can share with our listeners today.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, exactly. So one thing you can do is so, you know, you briefly touch on your experience. You don't need to then go into a monologue about what happened to you. Right. So I think the timing is important. Just a little touch, a little sprinkle.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Sprinkle.

[Michelle Kaplan]

I love a little sprinkle. And then don't go into too much detail. Right. So you don't need to say, oh, when I was here at this time and this was the weather. Right, Right, Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Because then the story becomes about you. Right. So you're just kind of taking what came from, what would be useful to the other person. And that is the next step. Relate it directly to the person you are speaking to. So we don't care about the other unrelated details of your story. Story.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

We only care about what's going to help the person we're talking with.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes, exactly, exactly. So relate it to that person. Relate it directly to them, which is huge. So here in this role play, you said that's how it was for me. So we're gonna talk about other good things you can say to start sharing yourself. Right. So what is the first one?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, so a couple of other good things we could say is I can totally relate and then briefly comment and then yo come back to the person.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So you add a comment, but it comes back to that person that you're talking with. Right.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So for example, I can totally relate. I felt so lost after I lost my job. But you will find a way to make it through. And I'm always here to talk.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So again, you mentioned that you had lost Your job and you felt lost. But then you mentioned something encouraging. You'll find a way to make it through. And I'm always here to chat, to talk. Right. So it's not really about me. It's about that other person.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right, Right, exactly. So again, it. It is that fine line between sharing yourself. So you don't want to. We don't want you guys to be afraid to tell your experience. We encourage that. But that. Try not to cross that line to then stealing the spotlight, basically. Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So important. I can see the skill being really useful for our students who come to Open Conversation Club too, because an Open Conversation Club, we go into breakout rooms and we ask our listeners to discuss questions our students. And you want to be able to transition between what you're saying and what someone else has said.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Said.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Right. These are also really good ways to do that too.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Okay. Yes, exactly. So the next one is I remember feeling that way when so. Or I remember feeling X. Right. The emotion, whatever it is. So, Lindsay, how might that sound?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, so it might sound a little wordy, but it works, right? We love it. So here we go. We could say I remember feeling frustrated when I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. It helped me to try to speak to as many people as possible about my interests.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So here you're not necessarily saying, oh, now you do this, but you're kind of leaning towards what helped you and you're giving a little piece of advice without saying you have to do this.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yes. A little piece of wisdom from your own experience.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Just enough.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Exactly.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Just enough.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, you got it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. So how can you find amazing candidates fast? Easy. Just use Indeed. When it comes to hiring, Indeed is all you need. Stop struggling to get your job post seen on other job sites. Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps you stand out and hire fast. With Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates so you can reach the people you want faster, and it makes a huge difference. According to INDEED data, Sponsored Jobs posted directly on indeed have 45% more applications than non sponsored jobs. I love that Indeed makes hiring fast. Top candidates are in high demand. And if you want to build a great team, you need to move quickly. Indeed helps you do that. So just how fast is indeed? Well, in the minute that I've been Talking to you, 23 hires were made on Indeed. According to Indeed data worldwide. There's no need to wait any longer. Speed up your hiring right now with Indeed and listeners of this show. Will get a 75 sponsored job credit. To get your jobs more visibility at indeed.com a e e just go to indeed.com aee right now and support our show by saying that you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com a e e that's I N-E-E-D.com a e e. Terms and conditions do apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. All right, Michelle, there's more. Right. So so far we've got. I can totally relate. I remember feeling that way when. But there's more than just that.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So what would be another thing we.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Could use another one is just I've been there, right? Yes, I've been there. And so you don't even need to expand on that that much. Right. You can just say I've been there. I've been there. You're so strong. You will figure it out, right? Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

I like this approach because you don't have to share. If they want to know more about they'll ask what. What happened to you. They will ask. But this is nice. It's very concise, it's confident. Sounds good to me, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes. Or one more is that makes me think of when I.

[Lindsay McMahon]

So for example, that makes me think of when I first started my business. I know it's a lot at first, but I promise you, I promise you it will work out. Yes. Okay.

[Michelle Kaplan]

So talking about your starting your business, not going into everything, showing kind of having that bridge. I know it's a lot at first. And then throwing it back to that person so they know we can still the conversation. It's not. It's still about you. Right. We're still talking about you. So you don't have to feel now. Oh, now it's changed.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Exactly. Michelle, why is this so incredibly important? This is one of those top 20 episodes that really matters for connection. Why?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, because people like to know that someone is listening. Right. Especially in this moment where they're being vulnerable, where they're sharing something difficult for them that they're struggling with. Right. This is going to be really special. And people remember that this is something that is long lasting. People remember in those moments where you're feeling not so great, that when someone was kind to them, when someone listened to them. And part of that is sharing your experience and connecting over that. And part of that is also letting that person have their space to express themselves.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Oh, you're so right, Michelle. I love it. So let's show our listeners again from the very top how this looks in a role play. We're just going to use one of them because obviously it doesn't make sense, right? To throw in a bunch of these. Doesn't make any sense at all, right?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yes, exactly. So here you are looking for a house, and you just got outbid by someone, and this was your dream house. This is a pretty universal thing that people be. Well, even. Right. And now, you know, with the housing market, things get so crazy. And it can be really hard when somebody. When you don't get the place that you wanted, right, Lindsay?

[Lindsay McMahon]

Oh, for sure. We get our hearts set on something. We start to envision our family in the house, how walkable it is to all these great places or whatever it is we're looking for, and then we lose it.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

This is a very human experience. So. All right, let's go for it, Michelle. Let's see if we can help each other feel better here. Here we go. I'm just so disappointed. I've been looking for forever.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Oh, Lindsay. I know. I remember feeling that way when I was house hunting. It's a lot. And this is a hard market. It's hard when it doesn't work out. I. I really think you'll find something soon.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Thanks, Michelle. That helps.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Okay, good. So nice. So it, you know, here we go. So how did we do it? How did you use the framework, Michelle? What did you do?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right. So I said, I remember feeling that way when. And then say I was house hunting. Then I kind of elaborated a little bit and, you know, kind of, kind of related it to the universal feeling. It's a hard market. It's hard when it doesn't work out. That's pretty universal. Right. And then you said, I really think you will find something soon. And that opens the door to you asking, oh, did you have a lot of places that you sure. That fell through? What was it like? How do you have any tips? Right. You. You left the door open. You're. You're showing that you, like, you're showing that you are willing to share a piece of yourself. Right. As well, if they want it.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Good point. That's a good point, Michelle.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Right.

[Lindsay McMahon]

It opens the door. And again, I mean, just this idea of pointing to the universal emotion. I think that could be another connection episode, potentially. That would be a great one, a great follow up to this episode. You said it's a lot and this is a hard market. It's hard when it doesn't work out. That's really a connection skill in itself. But it's wrapped up into this strategy that we're teaching our listeners today, which I think is incredibly powerful.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah, exactly. So, you know, definitely you are left, I think, as you know, the person who is kind of venting to me about your struggles, what you're feeling, feeling upset. This is giving you that door to either say, oh, well, Michelle's been there. I can ask her more about herself. Or maybe not, and just I want to talk about me and that's okay.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Yeah, exactly. You got it. So this has been so good. I love these kinds of episodes because we know they'll be useful for every single one of our listeners. Michelle, what is another episode our listeners could check out right now? Where could they go?

[Michelle Kaplan]

Yeah. So, guys, I was telling you about where this role play came from from the beginning, where the inspiration for this episode was from. And that was from episode 2440 was ups and downs in English part 2, how to bounce the Back. So that's a good one. That's a good one.

[Lindsay McMahon]

And while you're at it flying around allers English, be sure to hit that follow button. Michelle, what is our takeaway for today?

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, Lindsay. Well, yeah, this is just such a powerful tool to be self aware of how you sound when you're trying to relate to someone when they're struggling, when they're being vulnerable and sharing with you. Right. Realizing I should share. Right. Don't think, oh, no, they're talking. I shouldn't. I should only say, oh, that must be hard. Blah, blah, blah. It's good to share. It's good to put forth your experience, but you have to do it kind of. It's kind of an art.

[Lindsay McMahon]

It's a real art. And we've shed a little bit of light on it today. And, you know, we'll keep talking about this art of connection in future episodes, of course, on the show because our theme here is connection, not perfection. Good stuff. All right, Michelle, thanks for being here today. And guys, don't forget to sign up for the early access list for professional English Level [e-mail] High stakes. All right, good stuff, Michelle. I'll talk to you soon.

[Michelle Kaplan]

All right, Bye, Lindsay. Bye, guys.

[Lindsay McMahon]

All right, take care.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Bye.

[Lindsay McMahon]

Thanks for listening. To all ears English. Would you like to know your English level? Take our two minute quiz. Go to allearsenglish.com fluency score. And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything. See you next time.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

And Doug, here we have the limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Uh, limu.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty, Liberty.

[Michelle Kaplan]

Liberty.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Liberty Savings Fairy, underwritten by Liberty Mutual insurance company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac Extra Value meal for $8. That means two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun and medium fries. And a drink. We may need to change that jingle. Prices and participation may vary.