Podcast Summary: All Of It – "How One Author and Book Blogger Coped with Suicidal Ideation"

Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of All Of It, hosted by Alison Stewart on WNYC, listeners are introduced to Ariana Rebellini, a prominent writer and book blogger who has openly battled suicidal ideation. Released on April 29, 2025, the episode delves deep into Ariana's personal struggles, her journey towards healing, and the creation of her poignant memoir, A Memoir About Wanting to Die. Through candid conversations, Ariana shares her experiences, providing invaluable insights into mental health, creativity, and resilience.

Guest Background

Ariana Rebellini is a talented author and former books editor at BuzzFeed. Despite her professional achievements and a successful career, Ariana grappled with persistent suicidal thoughts. Her struggles culminated in her voluntary hospitalization in 2017, a pivotal moment that ultimately inspired her memoir. Ariana's openness about her mental health journey aims to foster understanding and reduce the stigma surrounding suicidal ideation.

The Genesis of the Memoir

Alison Stewart begins by asking Ariana about the inception of her memoir. Ariana reveals, "I started writing this as soon as I got out of the hospital in 2017... it wasn't the right time until the past few years" (00:40-01:44). Initially driven by a creative urgency to capture her thoughts, Ariana’s approach to writing the memoir evolved over seven years, especially influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic. She expanded her research to include sociological factors such as poverty and oppression, moving beyond purely psychological aspects to provide a holistic view of suicidality.

Personal Struggles and Reflections

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Ariana's introspection and the challenges of revisiting her past through journal entries. Reflecting on her journals, Ariana shares, "When I look back on journal entries... I see existential panic. Who am I really?" (05:58-07:10). This introspection highlights the blurred lines between her emotions and her perception of reality, illustrating the complex relationship between happiness and depression in her life.

Hospitalization and Its Aftermath

Alison probes into the circumstances that led Ariana to seek hospitalization. Ariana recounts a moment of overwhelming despair triggered by professional struggles and personal responsibilities: "I felt like I was failing as a human being... I decided I had pills in front of me and I said, I'm either gonna kill myself or I'm gonna go to the hospital. And I chose the hospital" (06:02-07:10). Her hospitalization provided immediate relief and medical intervention, reshaping her understanding of mental health as a chronic condition rather than a transient state.

Impact on Relationships

The episode also touches on the profound impact Ariana's mental health journey has had on her personal relationships, particularly with her husband and son. Ariana discusses the challenges of maintaining intimacy and openness, stating, "We talk about couples counseling, and he was very gracious about letting me write about that. Just his support is very present" (14:11-15:15). Additionally, she addresses the delicate balance of her son's empathy towards her struggles: "He says, I feel everything you feel... I don't know, he says, he doesn't believe me" (15:20-16:27). This dynamic underscores the intergenerational effects of mental health issues and the importance of familial support.

Redefining Suicidality and Seeking Understanding

Ariana passionately argues against the simplistic dichotomy of viewing suicidality solely as an illness or a conscious choice. She contends, "What if it is both?" (16:51-17:34). This nuanced perspective emphasizes the need for empathy and open dialogue without immediate judgment or labeling. Ariana hopes her memoir will encourage both suicidal individuals and their loved ones to engage in more meaningful and compassionate conversations.

Evolving Perspectives on "Better"

When discussing her hospitalization, Ariana reflects on the term "better": "To me at that time, better meant rid of this for the rest of my life... I don't think it's a valuable way of thinking about it because it's a chronic illness" (19:10-20:06). This revelation signifies her acceptance of mental health as an ongoing journey, advocating for a shift from the goal of permanent resolution to sustainable management and understanding.

Key Takeaways and Conclusion

Ariana Rebellini's candid discussion offers profound insights into the complexities of suicidal ideation and mental health. Her memoir serves as a testament to the enduring struggle and the pursuit of meaning amidst despair. Ariana emphasizes the importance of authenticity, the necessity of supportive relationships, and the courage to confront one's darkest thoughts.

In closing, Alison Stewart underscores the episode's profound impact, reinforcing the show's mission to explore culture deeply and empathetically. Ariana's story is a powerful reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the critical need for compassionate conversations around mental health.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ariana Rebellini (00:40-01:44): "I started writing this as soon as I got out of the hospital in 2017... it wasn't the right time until the past few years."

• Ariana Rebellini (05:58-07:10): "When I look back on journal entries... I see existential panic. Who am I really?"

• Ariana Rebellini (06:02-07:10): "I felt like I was failing as a human being... I decided I had pills in front of me and I said, I'm either gonna kill myself or I'm gonna go to the hospital. And I chose the hospital."

• Ariana Rebellini (14:11-15:15): "We talk about couples counseling, and he was very gracious about letting me write about that. Just his support is very present."

• Ariana Rebellini (16:51-17:34): "What if it is both?" (Referring to suicidality as both an illness and a conscious desire).

• Ariana Rebellini (19:10-20:06): "To me at that time, better meant rid of this for the rest of my life... I don't think it's a valuable way of thinking about it because it's a chronic illness."

Conclusion

This episode of All Of It offers a deeply personal and insightful exploration of suicidal ideation through Ariana Rebellini's experiences. By sharing her story, Ariana not only sheds light on her own struggles but also contributes to a broader understanding of mental health, encouraging empathy and open dialogue. Listeners are left with a profound appreciation for the complexities of the human psyche and the importance of supportive communities in the journey towards healing.