How One Author and Book Blogger Coped with Suicidal Ideation

Summary

Podcast Summary: All Of It – "How One Author and Book Blogger Coped with Suicidal Ideation"

Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of All Of It, hosted by Alison Stewart on WNYC, listeners are introduced to Ariana Rebellini, a prominent writer and book blogger who has openly battled suicidal ideation. Released on April 29, 2025, the episode delves deep into Ariana's personal struggles, her journey towards healing, and the creation of her poignant memoir, A Memoir About Wanting to Die. Through candid conversations, Ariana shares her experiences, providing invaluable insights into mental health, creativity, and resilience.

Guest Background

Ariana Rebellini is a talented author and former books editor at BuzzFeed. Despite her professional achievements and a successful career, Ariana grappled with persistent suicidal thoughts. Her struggles culminated in her voluntary hospitalization in 2017, a pivotal moment that ultimately inspired her memoir. Ariana's openness about her mental health journey aims to foster understanding and reduce the stigma surrounding suicidal ideation.

The Genesis of the Memoir

Alison Stewart begins by asking Ariana about the inception of her memoir. Ariana reveals, "I started writing this as soon as I got out of the hospital in 2017... it wasn't the right time until the past few years" (00:40-01:44). Initially driven by a creative urgency to capture her thoughts, Ariana’s approach to writing the memoir evolved over seven years, especially influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic. She expanded her research to include sociological factors such as poverty and oppression, moving beyond purely psychological aspects to provide a holistic view of suicidality.

Personal Struggles and Reflections

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Ariana's introspection and the challenges of revisiting her past through journal entries. Reflecting on her journals, Ariana shares, "When I look back on journal entries... I see existential panic. Who am I really?" (05:58-07:10). This introspection highlights the blurred lines between her emotions and her perception of reality, illustrating the complex relationship between happiness and depression in her life.

Hospitalization and Its Aftermath

Alison probes into the circumstances that led Ariana to seek hospitalization. Ariana recounts a moment of overwhelming despair triggered by professional struggles and personal responsibilities: "I felt like I was failing as a human being... I decided I had pills in front of me and I said, I'm either gonna kill myself or I'm gonna go to the hospital. And I chose the hospital" (06:02-07:10). Her hospitalization provided immediate relief and medical intervention, reshaping her understanding of mental health as a chronic condition rather than a transient state.

Impact on Relationships

The episode also touches on the profound impact Ariana's mental health journey has had on her personal relationships, particularly with her husband and son. Ariana discusses the challenges of maintaining intimacy and openness, stating, "We talk about couples counseling, and he was very gracious about letting me write about that. Just his support is very present" (14:11-15:15). Additionally, she addresses the delicate balance of her son's empathy towards her struggles: "He says, I feel everything you feel... I don't know, he says, he doesn't believe me" (15:20-16:27). This dynamic underscores the intergenerational effects of mental health issues and the importance of familial support.

Redefining Suicidality and Seeking Understanding

Ariana passionately argues against the simplistic dichotomy of viewing suicidality solely as an illness or a conscious choice. She contends, "What if it is both?" (16:51-17:34). This nuanced perspective emphasizes the need for empathy and open dialogue without immediate judgment or labeling. Ariana hopes her memoir will encourage both suicidal individuals and their loved ones to engage in more meaningful and compassionate conversations.

Evolving Perspectives on "Better"

When discussing her hospitalization, Ariana reflects on the term "better": "To me at that time, better meant rid of this for the rest of my life... I don't think it's a valuable way of thinking about it because it's a chronic illness" (19:10-20:06). This revelation signifies her acceptance of mental health as an ongoing journey, advocating for a shift from the goal of permanent resolution to sustainable management and understanding.

Key Takeaways and Conclusion

Ariana Rebellini's candid discussion offers profound insights into the complexities of suicidal ideation and mental health. Her memoir serves as a testament to the enduring struggle and the pursuit of meaning amidst despair. Ariana emphasizes the importance of authenticity, the necessity of supportive relationships, and the courage to confront one's darkest thoughts.

In closing, Alison Stewart underscores the episode's profound impact, reinforcing the show's mission to explore culture deeply and empathetically. Ariana's story is a powerful reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the critical need for compassionate conversations around mental health.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ariana Rebellini (00:40-01:44): "I started writing this as soon as I got out of the hospital in 2017... it wasn't the right time until the past few years."

• Ariana Rebellini (05:58-07:10): "When I look back on journal entries... I see existential panic. Who am I really?"

• Ariana Rebellini (06:02-07:10): "I felt like I was failing as a human being... I decided I had pills in front of me and I said, I'm either gonna kill myself or I'm gonna go to the hospital. And I chose the hospital."

• Ariana Rebellini (14:11-15:15): "We talk about couples counseling, and he was very gracious about letting me write about that. Just his support is very present."

• Ariana Rebellini (16:51-17:34): "What if it is both?" (Referring to suicidality as both an illness and a conscious desire).

• Ariana Rebellini (19:10-20:06): "To me at that time, better meant rid of this for the rest of my life... I don't think it's a valuable way of thinking about it because it's a chronic illness."

Conclusion

This episode of All Of It offers a deeply personal and insightful exploration of suicidal ideation through Ariana Rebellini's experiences. By sharing her story, Ariana not only sheds light on her own struggles but also contributes to a broader understanding of mental health, encouraging empathy and open dialogue. Listeners are left with a profound appreciation for the complexities of the human psyche and the importance of supportive communities in the journey towards healing.

Transcript

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[Ariana Rebellini]

Listener supported WNYC Studios.

[Alison Stewart]

This is all of it on wnyc. I'm Alison Stewart. Listeners, this conversation is going to deal with suicide. If at any time you need support, please call or text the National Suicide and Crisis lifeline. That number is 98 8. It's open 24 hours a day. For years, writer Ariana Rebellini has struggled with suicidal ideation. Despite her successful career as the books editor at buzzfeed and later as a novelist and author of a popular books newsletter, Ariana couldn't see her way out. She wanted to end her own Life. Instead, in 2017, she checked herself into a hospital. She writes candidly about her continuing struggles in her new book, a Memoir about wanting to die. Ariana was a frequent guest on our show back in 2021, a year she writes about in the book as being difficult for her. So we are thrilled to welcome her back now into the studio in person. Ariana, it is good to see you.

[Ariana Rebellini]

It's great to see you. Thank you so much for having me.

[Alison Stewart]

When did you feel ready to start writing this book?

[Ariana Rebellini]

You know, it's funny, I started writing this as soon as I got out of the hospital in 2017, and I am so grateful that that book didn' I you. I feel like creatives, you know, people, writers might relate to this, but you feel this urgency. You're like, oh, okay, I have this idea and I got to make it happen right now before someone else does it or something like that. And it just wasn't the right time. So it's been on and off since then, and it wasn't right until this past few years.

[Alison Stewart]

Yeah, it's only been seven years you've.

[Unknown Speaker]

Been working on it.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Yeah.

[Alison Stewart]

How does your perspective change during those seven to eight years?

[Ariana Rebellini]

You know, the pandemic played a big role in changing it. I think I started off with this belief that I could figure out a way to get better permanently. I had been living my life with these ups and downs, and I got out of the hospital and I thought, that's it. I have to be better for good. And in the years between seeing that, what does better for for good mean? Is it just survival or is it about the kind of life we want? I Think that ideas that I believed in and that held fast to about, you know, this is a disease, this is a mental illness. I kind of let those go a little bit to see that it is fair and right to be suffering from external factors and react to that by saying, I don't want to be alive. You know, I think it limits people's experiences to say, this is just your illness. This isn't you. And that was a big thing that changed for me.

[Unknown Speaker]

So sort of acknowledging what was going on with you.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[Unknown Speaker]

Let's take that hat off, your personal hat. Let's put your sort of reporter, author hat on. What did you want to investigate in this book?

[Ariana Rebellini]

I wanted to. It began as a project, very literary, very English major of me. Yeah. Of saying, okay, I'm going to read the writing of authors who killed themselves, see how their brains worked, see how their thought patterns were, and see if I can figure out similarities and where they went wrong and kind of just try to make a sense of how their brain worked. And when I started going through the pandemic, my editor, Rachel, she was like, well, how do you feel about expanding the research and bringing in, you know, scientific research, something more modern, you know? You know, Sylvia Plath is great, but there's a lot that's happened since then. And so I really wanted to expand into sociological research that shows, again, those aspects that aren't necessarily psychological, so how poverty impacts, suicide rates, oppression, and all of those things. So I really wanted to get outside of the headiness. Yeah.

[Alison Stewart]

My guest is Ariana Rebellini, author of the new book A Memoir About Wanting to Die. It is out today. You write a lot from journals in your book. You go back and when you were going back to look at them, what was it like reading them?

[Ariana Rebellini]

I mean, tough. You know, I. I have been keeping journals since I was, you know, eight. And throughout all of that, I thought I was writing brilliant works of art. And so there's parts, you know, it's cringy in that aspect, but then emotionally realizing that periods of time where I thought I was doing well, I wasn't. When I first put the proposal together for this book, I imagined it as. This was the first time in 2021 since I left the hospital that I felt suicidal. And that wasn't true at all.

[Alison Stewart]

You write about that in the book. You remember it very differently.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Yes, absolutely. I was like, oh, it was good up until then. Not true. I went back to. There was maybe at most a span of three months that I went without feeling some Kind of deep despair. So that was an interesting thing to reckon with.

[Alison Stewart]

What led you to check yourself into the hospital?

[Ariana Rebellini]

You know, it was. It's. I've thought about this and wondered about this. I woke up one morning, I was unemployed at the time, other than I was nannying a wonderful, wonderful family. I did after school nannying. And I. I just felt really overwhelmed. I knew I would have to pick this girl up at her bus stop in a few hours. And I was staring at my computer with all my emails and pitches that I was trying to freelance as a writer and failing largely. And I just felt like, I cannot do this. I can't keep this up. But the only way I can justify this, the only way I can do this and not be blamed for stopping working or whatever, is either killing myself or going to the hospital. So part of me felt, you know, you wonder, was this warranted or was I just being lazy? I just didn't want to work. So I went to the hospital. And something that I realized while writing the book is, it doesn't matter the reason. What it comes down to is I decided I had pills in front of me and I said, I'm either gonna kill myself or I'm gonna go to the hospital. And, you know, thank God I chose the hospital.

[Unknown Speaker]

You Write on page 40. My desire to die has always been directly related to my fear of failed ambition. This relates to work. This paragraph. When things weren't going great at work or you were feeling underemployed, how might that fuel a depressive episode for you?

[Ariana Rebellini]

It made me feel just like I was failing at life in general. Something that I used to talk about all the time in therapy was I just want to function. And the only way I understood functioning was through work. And so to not be selling stories or not being able to go to the office every day and feeling like I couldn't keep up with that, it felt like I was failing as a human being, you know, and so I didn't see a future in which that wouldn't be a requirement. And so I didn't understand if I can't keep up with this kind of work that I want to do. And I couldn't imagine a world in which I did anything else for work. I thought, well, what am I? You need to work. How else am I going to survive? So it was very. Had a big impact on my suicidality.

[Alison Stewart]

My guest is Ariana Rebellini, author of the new book A Memoir About Wanting to Die. Listeners, if anytime you need support, please call the National Suicide and crisis lifeline. That number is 988. It's open 24 hours a day. You picked a passage to read for us. Can you set this up for us?

[Ariana Rebellini]

Sure. So this a passage where I talk in a chapter where I talk about how we have this tendency to want to separate our depression and suicidal ideation from us, both people who love suicidal people and people who are suicidal themselves. To say, this is, you know, a monster, this is the illness, this is something else, it is not part of me and I'm surviving it. And how I've gotten kind of tired of the warrior, you're a warrior, you're so brave aspect of it. So that is the setup. I suspect we spin survival into combat, into heroism, so that we won't be punished for living with suicidality. I suspect even more so that the idea proliferates because it defangs suicidality. It makes it more palatable, less terrifying to those who don't live with it, those who don't want to consider the possibility of a person, not an interloper, not a monster, not a disease, wanting to die. I think of the pleas of heartbroken survivors. She wasn't herself. It was the depression that killed him. The need to absolve the deceased of censure is surely an act of love. So it is understandable. But it's also misguided in execution. It unwittingly but loudly confirms a fear that plagues so many who are suicidal. Namely, that a person can't be remembered with love, indeed, doesn't deserve love unless their mental illness is excised from their true being. What I know for sure is that every journal entry I've ever written, while freshly out of a depressive episode, high on the belief that this time it's for good, has been followed eventually by an entry written from the familiar pit. On February 17, 2017, three months before my hospitalization, I opened my journal just past midnight and wrote, maybe one state isn't more real than the other. When I'm happy, this feels fake. And vice versa. By April, I was as obsessed with the distinction between fiction and reality as I was with suicide. So crazy to think how close it feels. I wrote to remember the me who didn't want to do it. So abstract. Now someone else. I guess I'm trying. When I look back on journal entries from those worst days, I don't see sadness as much as I see existential panic. Who am I really? How much is a matter of pathology? How much does my fear of owning this darker voice hinge On a cultural insistence that it's unhealthy, even unnatural. What if I'm all of it?

[Unknown Speaker]

It's. That's Ariana Rebeloni. Did I say it right?

[Ariana Rebellini]

Rebeloni.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank you. Sorry about that.

[Ariana Rebellini]

No, it's okay. It happens all the time. Happens all the time.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's interesting to me that your happiness was also colored by depression.

[Alison Stewart]

What would the voice or what would.

[Unknown Speaker]

You feel saying to you when you.

[Alison Stewart]

Were in a good place?

[Ariana Rebellini]

I would. I was very suspicious of it. I was afraid of it, because I had never experienced happiness the way I thought I was supposed to, which is kind of permanently, which is no one does, you know, But I was always wondering, well, this can't be real. This isn't your real estate. How long will this last? How long can you before do this before the next fall? What's making you happy? How do we extend that? How do we keep that going? I just couldn't even experience happiness without kind of poking it and prodding it and just allowing myself to live it.

[Unknown Speaker]

You couldn't just be in the moment like, oh, it's a happy moment.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Exactly.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's the way it is.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Yeah, exactly.

[Unknown Speaker]

There's gotta be something else over here chirping at you.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Yeah. And that was something that I saw a lot in Sylvia Plath's journals too, you know, just constantly, I'm happy today. Why? Oh, it was a great day today. Why? And I think that that's such a dangerous place to end up to try to figure out what's making you happy. Just be happy.

[Unknown Speaker]

Did your hospitalization help you?

[Ariana Rebellini]

It did, absolutely. I think that is something that I will never broadly recommend because you never know what you get. It's wildly different much time because of funding, but it was helpful to me just to not have my phone, you know, for many reasons. I got new meds, which was important because I hadn't been taking them. And one of the doctors said to me that sometimes when you obsessively think about killing yourself, which I do, you need to put yourself in an environment where that's physically impossible. So your brain kind of just realizes to let go of it.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's not going to happen.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Not going to happen. Yeah. And you kind of lose your grip on it. And I. That made a lot of sense to me that that felt because I. I got in there and within a day I was like, oh, no, I'm. I don't want to kill myself.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's so interesting. Were you able to carry that feeling outside of the hospital?

[Ariana Rebellini]

I was For a while. And, you know, part of a big part of this book and motivation for it was that I wanted to have a child. And I. I do have a child now, and he's wonderful. And I think that knowing that was also a way of continuing that feeling. Because, you know, I have a lot of feelings about saying this about my child, but I knew that if I had a kid, I would feel like, okay, this is impossible. And I know that's complicated. Obviously, it can happen. You know, parents kill themselves. But I knew that I would have a sense that this isn't even worth thinking about. Because you're not going to do it.

[Alison Stewart]

Not going to do it because.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Because of my son. Because I'm not going to leave him. Yeah.

[Alison Stewart]

Where is your boyfriend now, husband, in all of this?

[Ariana Rebellini]

It's funny, he was not in the book for a long time. I felt a lot of guilt. My editor. Yeah, my editor was like, where is he? Where's your husband? That's interesting. Yeah. I just. I felt very protective. And he's a very private person. He's not on, like, social media. He lives in a very different way than I do as someone who is an oversharer. And so I, I. He's in there. And a lot in my examination of how I allow people to comfort me, I have a very hard time allowing people to help me. I still do. And so talking about letting go of this idea that no one else can possibly understand what I'm going through, if I'm going to fix me, I'm going to do it myself. That doesn't really work in a marriage. So he was. We talk about couples counseling, and he was very gracious about letting me write about that. Just his support is very present.

[Alison Stewart]

Your son Theo, though, recognizes something about you.

[Unknown Speaker]

He says, I feel everything you feel. What was challenging, what has been challenging about having him be so attuned to.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Your emotions, it's a real. It's a source of guilt, for sure. But I also understand it as someone. I felt the same way about my father. And I never wanted, you know, it wasn't my father's fault. He didn't do anything. But I was very aware of his depression and feeling like I needed to preserve his happy mood because we didn't know what would happen or how long it would go away once it was gone. And I see that same tendency in Theo, and I want to save him from it. But I also know something about me is that I can be depressed. It's gonna happen, and he's gonna notice it. Cause he's my son and we're very close. And so the best way I can handle it is to just let him know I see it and say, this is not your job. I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. And I don't, you know, he says, he doesn't believe me. He says, no, it is my job. But I'm hoping as he gets older, he might understand why it's not.

[Unknown Speaker]

My guest is Arianna Rebellini, author of the new book A Memoir about Wanting to Die. It is out today. Listeners, if at any time you feel you need a support, please call or text the National Suicide and Crisis lifeline. That number is 98 8. It's open 24 hours a day. This passage really stuck with me in your book. I'm going to read to you your words. We resist the idea that a person suicidal. How do you say it?

[Ariana Rebellini]

Suicidality.

[Unknown Speaker]

Suicidality might be rooted in truth, might be or at least partially valid, but that aversion is always based in fear, biased towards living at all costs, rejecting the possibility that a person might simply and honestly want to die. The stakes are too high to say anything other than a version of no, you don't to a person who wants to kill himself. Because we think we need to believe that if the suicidal person can be convinced that his suicidality is an illusion, he won't follow through. I understand why we hold this assurance with a death grip. This is not you, this is a symptom. But what if it is both? What led you to write that paragraph?

[Alison Stewart]

So interesting.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Oh, thank you. Also, I read the audiobook and the amount of times I tripped over the words, it's not an easy read. Something I write about a lot in the book is my brother, a year after I was in the hospital, was hospitalized as well and being on both sides of it for his own suicidal ideation. Just realizing as I was trying to convince him in all the ways we do, you know, that we kind of knee jerk reaction of saying this isn't you, you just have to get through. Felt so fake and he was so resistant and angry and I couldn't blame him because why I knew what it felt like to be in it too. And I was just really angry too seeing this insistence, knowing how often it made me feel crazy to be told, no, no, no, no, it's just a symptom. And something really interesting is that this is a word I'm gonna Suicideologists, people who study it, sure they really recommend helping people who are suicidal by saying okay like meeting them at a place where they say, okay, tell me why. Sure, you. What is it about it? Convince me that this is what you need to do rather than just eyes closed. Nope, you don't want to do that. Because you're never going to reach a person who's suicidal by saying that. Because they do want to do that. That's why they're in this position.

[Unknown Speaker]

The title of the memoir is Better, which can have a few different meanings in this context.

[Alison Stewart]

What did Better mean to you when.

[Unknown Speaker]

You checked yourself into the hospital?

[Ariana Rebellini]

To me at that time, better meant rid of this for the rest of my life. I finally conquered it. I finally. I will never need to go to the hospital again. I figured it out and that is not what better means to me anymore. I don't think it's a. I don't think it's a valuable way of thinking about it because it's a chronic illness. And even though I talk about how much of an illness is and how much is it not an illness, my tendency to react to any hardships with suicide and depression, that's not going anywhere, you know. So whether or not it's an illness or not, the reality is it's something that is part of me, this tendency. And to expect myself to never return to it is setting myself up for failure.

[Unknown Speaker]

What do you wish or do you hope that people might understand about suicide after reading your book?

[Ariana Rebellini]

I really hope that people who love people who are suicidal will be less afraid of talking to them about it. Will be. Will understand more of what's going through that person's mind. And I just think there's so much fear and things that are left unsaid. And I think that the way to get around that is to let people who have been or are suicidal just really talk about what they're going through without just immediately, whether it's out of love or fear or whatever, just saying, nope, it's an illness. That's just such a conversation closer, you know, it doesn't allow empathy. So I really hope. I hope that people who are suicidal will feel seen, but I also really hope that people will read it if they know someone who is suicidal.

[Unknown Speaker]

The book is called A Memoir About Wanting to Die. My guest is Ariana Rebellini. Listeners, if you do feel like you need support, you can call the National Suicide and Crisis lifeline. That number is 9, 8, 8. Thank you for coming in and sharing your book with us.

[Ariana Rebellini]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Unknown Speaker]

And that is all of it for today. I'm Alison Stewart I appreciate you listening and I appreciate you. I will meet you back here tomorrow.

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I'm Ira Flato, host of Science Friday. For over 30 years, our team has been reporting high quality news about science, technology and medicine. News you won't get anywhere else. And now that political news is 24 7, our audience is turning to us to know about the really important stuff in their lives. Cancer, climate change. Genetic engineering, childhood diseases. Our sponsors know the value of science and health news. For more sponsorship information, visit sponsorship. Wnyc. Org.