How to Be More Intimate

Summary

All Of It – WNYC

Episode Title: How to Be More Intimate
Air Date: February 18, 2026
Host: David Fuerst (in for Alison Stewart)
Guest: Ita O’Brien, Intimacy Coordinator and Author

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Episode Overview

This episode explores the nature of intimacy—beyond just sexual connection—how it’s depicted in film and television, and how those depictions shape our personal relationships. Host David Fuerst speaks with Ita O’Brien, a pioneering intimacy coordinator and author of Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires, about transforming both on-screen and real-life intimacy, consent, and connection. The episode features listener call-ins sharing their experiences and challenges with intimacy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Intimacy

• Broader Definition: O’Brien emphasizes that intimacy is not a euphemism for sex; it encompasses a spectrum of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, and physical (including sexual) closeness between people.
  • Quote: “We have a whole rainbow of a gamut of our intimate expression... emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential intimacy that can also lead to physical intimacy and then sexual intimacy.” (Ita O'Brien, 02:52)

2. Portrayal of Intimacy on Screen

• Historical Context: Past depictions on film often glossed over intimacy with stylized, unrealistic scenes, failing to capture the character’s emotional reality or the complexity of human connection.
  • Quote: “Growing up in the 1980s...some kissing would start and then suddenly we’re in a music video. Right. And what was happening was sort of bearing no connection to the characters that we were getting to know.” (David Fuerst, 03:38)
• Lack of Professional Structure: The absence of structured choreography or discussion led to awkward or unsafe environments for actors, and shallow storytelling for viewers.
  • Quote: “...because it wasn’t engaged with. Because there wasn’t a professional structure...it was the elephant in the room.” (Ita O'Brien, 05:15)

3. Role and Importance of Intimacy Coordinators

• Job Description: Intimacy coordinators choreograph intimate scenes to ensure safety, comfort, and realism. Their role ensures clear consent, boundaries, and creative collaboration for all involved.
  • Quote: “For two actors who aren’t lovers...who might not even have met before that moment. So suddenly to be asked to...perform degrees of intimate touch...without a clear and professional journey, seeking agreement and consent...” (Ita O'Brien, 06:22)
• Positive Outcomes: With guidelines and open communication, cast and crew can create more authentic, complex, and respectful depictions of intimacy, enhancing both art and workplace culture.
  • Quote: “...this work supports everybody to be taken care of, to be listened to and heard...so that everybody knows that the whole of the process is dealt with...seeking agreement and consent.” (Ita O'Brien, 07:32)

4. Developing the Profession

• O'Brien’s Path: Ita O’Brien’s career began in dance and acting; developing processes for safely staging intimate content grew from her own experiences and a recognized industry need, emerging even before #MeToo.
  • Quote: “I trained in ballet from the age of three...I started sharing those guidelines with the industry in 2017.” (Ita O'Brien, 09:36)
• Responding to Industry Change: O’Brien’s protocols became vital following awareness raised by the Harvey Weinstein revelations and subsequent #MeToo movement.
  • Quote: “...the industry post the Harvey Weinstein allegations, the industry saying we have to do better and writing codes of conduct. I was there to say...here’s how we work with the intimate content.” (Ita O'Brien, 10:45)

5. Translating On-Screen Practices to Real Life

• Foundational Principles for Daily Life: The structure she teaches on set—openness, communication, agreement, consent, and closure—are powerful tools for building healthy intimacy in actual relationships.
  • Quote: “...when you have a professional structure, open communication, transparency, then inviting agreement and consent and then clear choreography, giving yourself a structure and then closure, those fundamental tenets are really wonderful...to bring into our own lives.” (Ita O'Brien, 14:52)
• Self-Connection Comes First: Being present in one’s body, knowing what you want, and communicating it is the foundation of being able to connect with others.
  • Quote: “...that journey of into me, see, which is loving into me, see, how do I love myself? How do I connect Myself and then bring that into my partners.” (Ita O’Brien, 15:30)

6. Listener Call-Ins: Real-Life Challenges and Joys

• Sharon from Queens (12:35):
  • Shares how at age 72, long-distance connection with her partner is kept exciting by device-free visits and open communication (“no phones on, just look in each other’s eyes”). She also wrote a detailed love letter describing her desires and boundaries.
    • Quote: “We just exchanged on the permission zone. Like, I don’t like it when you do that...but I like it when you do this.” (Sharon from Queens, 11:37)
  • O’Brien reacts with delight:
    • Quote: “Wow, how gorgeous...someone in their older years...it’s so wonderful to hear how you are beautifully navigating your intimacy.” (Ita O'Brien, 12:46)
• Dara from Morristown, NJ (18:15):
  • Struggles with mismatched needs: after a tiring day, she craves emotional intimacy and connection, while her partner prefers to “get to the business.” Neither knows how to bridge the gap.
    • O’Brien suggests scheduling intimacy for when both are receptive, perhaps on weekends or after relaxing activities like a nature walk or massage, and encourages open conversations about preferences and needs.
    • Quote: “Just talk about it—just like you would if you’re going to go to a cinema, let’s make this date. Perhaps at the weekend...perhaps just get together and let’s give ourselves a foot massage...” (Ita O'Brien, 19:04)
• Text from Listener (20:30):
  • Emotional vs. physical intimacy impasse: one partner craves emotional closeness, the other prioritizes physical connection.
    • O’Brien encourages professional support if stuck, like couples therapy, to help partners communicate and understand each other better.

7. Practical Advice and Tools for Greater Intimacy

• Techniques for Connection:
  • Being present in your body (grounding exercises, spending time in nature).
  • Specific exercises (e.g., “20 connected breaths”) to center yourself and prepare for connection.
    • Quote: “It starts from actually, you know, again, one of the techniques, the first one I’ll offer is 20 connected breaths...just a technique to help you just pause to be present with yourself.” (Ita O'Brien, 17:07)

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Memorable Quotes

• On Intimacy’s Spectrum:
  “We have a whole rainbow of a gamut of our intimate expression.” (Ita O'Brien, 02:52)

• On the Need for Professional Structure in Film:
  “It was the elephant in the room. It was the aspect of, well, people weren’t comfortable to talk about it...just get on with it.” (Ita O’Brien, 05:15)

• On Learning to Love Ourselves:
  “That journey of into me, see—which is loving into me, see, how do I love myself? How do I connect Myself and then bring that into my partners.” (Ita O’Brien, 15:30)

• On Longevity of Intimacy:
  “It’s so important that we understand that our intimacy into our older years, it doesn’t stop. In fact, it possibly gets better.” (Ita O’Brien, 12:46)

• On Creating Space for Intimacy:
  “Just talk about it—just like you would if you’re going to go to a cinema, let’s make this date.” (Ita O’Brien, 19:04)

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Notable Moments & Timestamps

• [01:20] Introduction of Ita O’Brien and her work
• [02:52] Ita’s expanded definition of intimacy
• [05:15] Discussion about lack of professional structure for intimate scenes
• [09:36] Ita on inventing her profession and her background
• [12:35] Sharon from Queens shares her practices for intimacy at age 72
• [14:52] O’Brien on translating on-screen practices to personal relationships
• [18:15] Dara from Morristown’s call on mismatched intimacy needs
• [20:30] Listener text about emotional vs. physical intimacy stalemate
• [21:19] O’Brien suggests therapy for stuck couples

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Conclusion

This episode of All Of It provides practical, compassionate advice for enhancing intimacy—whether on screen or in one’s personal life. Ita O’Brien advocates for structured, honest, and embodied approaches to connection, emphasizing that intimacy grows out of self-knowledge, communication, and mutual respect. Listener stories reinforce the importance (and challenges) of navigating intimacy at every stage of life.

Key Takeaway:
Intimacy is a holistic, lifelong process that requires openness, communication, and self-awareness—skills anyone can build with intention and structure.

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Book referenced:
Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires by Ita O’Brien

Transcript

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[David Fuerst]

This is all of it on wnyc. I'm David Fuerst.

[Sharon from Queens]

Let's talk about Sex.

[David Fuerst]

Sex can be complicated and difficult to talk about, and it hasn't been made any easier by how physical intimacy has historically been portray on screen. Whether we realize it or not, we are influenced by the way that we see sex portrayed on TV and in the movies, and it may have an impact on how we approach physical and emotional intimacy in our own relationships. Ita o' Brien has made it her career to change how sex is represented on screen and by extension, how we practice intimacy at home. O' Brien is an intimacy coordinator. She is behind some of the most progressive recent representations of sex on screen, from normal people to sex education. She also developed the Intimacy on set guidelines that have come to be used across the film industry. She's written a new book about how we can find greater intimacy in our lives to connect with those that we love and feel more comfortable in our bodies. It's called Intimacy A Field Guide to Finding Connection and feeling your Deep Desires, and it's out right now. And Ita o' Brien joins us from the uk. Welcome.

[Ita O'Brien]

Thank you so much. David. Thank you for the introduction and it's an absolute pleasure to be here.

[David Fuerst]

First, can we start by defining intimacy? Some might think of this as just a code word for sex. What do you mean when you use the word intimacy?

[Ita O'Brien]

So both in my work, when I'm exploring a script I'm actually looking for when that intimacy is sparked, which is actually always the gaze, the first time the eyes fall on someone and something is ignited. But as I continue to develop and explore this work, realizing that actually we have a whole rainbow of a gamut of our intimate expression, we have emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential intimacy that then can also lead to physical intimacy and then sexual intimacy. So that's also wonderful to understand how we are with our intimate partners encompasses all of those, you know, qualities of how we can be intimate with each other.

[David Fuerst]

So I referred to in the beginning to how physical intimacy has been portrayed on screen. And to be fair, there is a wide range of ways that that has been handled. But growing up in the 1980s, it seemed like in lots of movies, you know, some kissing would start and then suddenly we're in a music video. Right. And what was happening was sort of bearing no connection to the characters that we were getting to know.

[Ita O'Brien]

That's right. Sort of both with. I mean, what the intimacy guidelines have brought to the industry is supporting and inviting everybody to be open, creative, to consider this intimate part of the storytelling, to understand that it is an extension of our physical storytelling. Just as, you know, a really good fight is about, you know, sort of someone got angry. You have angry words. It gets, you know, into louder and until you can't do anything but release into some. To the physical storytelling and with intimacy, again, it's part of our physical storytelling. But in the place where there was no professional structure by which to do it, explore this professionally, openly, creatively, it was the elephant in the room. It was the aspect of, well, people weren't comfortable to talk about it. So it was the aspect that wasn't spoken about. It was sort of in the sense of shame and then the sense of the assumption, well, everybody had sex, they don't have to talk about it and just do it.

[David Fuerst]

The filmmakers wouldn't have to talk about it. They would just say, go. Go and do something.

[Ita O'Brien]

Yeah, that's right. You know, it would be written in a script. And then because it wasn't engaged with. Because there wasn't a professional structure with which to engage with it, from the producer to the Director to the DoP that therefore, it was just this unspoken thing. And then the assumption of this is what we want, and then you two actors just do it. Just go in front of the camera, just get on with it. And in that place, both. It's not. Hasn't been written well because there wasn't a professional forum within which to creatively continue to engage right from the writing through to, like I say, the, you know, the intention of the director, the director's vision, then also the actors being able to bring their vision for what they wanted. And in that place, that's where you get this disjointed, you know, intimate scenes that we had in the past that weren't really exploring who these characters were. You know, invariably the actors would be doing their best, but it didn't really give us something that really elevated and gave us the best expression of who we are as human beings in these characters.

[David Fuerst]

And sounds like it could lead to a distressing workplace at the very least.

[Ita O'Brien]

Well, this is it. So then again, without there being a professional structure, the idea of agreement and consent, and this is on all aspect of what it. What it means to engage with an intimate scene for two actors who aren't lovers, you know, who. Who are two people who might not even have met before that moment. So suddenly to be asked to. How to perform degrees of intimate touch, to be able to take clothes off and then to perform simulated sexual content without a clear and. And professional journey, seeking agreement and consent, checking out what each person was comfortable with personally and then only offering and then only choreographing and working with what they were comfortable, what was in their boundaries to offer professionally with their nudity, with where they're happy to be touched and what simulated sexual content they were absolutely happy with.

[David Fuerst]

We're talking a little bit about what an intimacy coordinator does. Some of it is the choreography like you're talking about. But a big part of it also is what you're talking about right now. Making sure that actors feel safe and making sure that they don't suffer real abuse.

[Ita O'Brien]

That's right. And that's, you know, that's a. That's a large part of it. But also, you know, for me, this work is actually about when you lift the lid and you support everybody in order to be open and creative through a professional process that invites that open communication and transparency right from the get go. Because also directors would say to me, oh, my goodness, before the intimacy guidelines, how do I talk about this? I felt that if I really engage with it in the way that I wanted to, I would be considered the one that was actually behaving inappropriately. So it goes for everybody, the dop, you know, the. The sound people who are perhaps if there's two performers who are having to be ostensibly having the looking as if they're naked, then a boom of price is going to Be there. So actually, this work supports everybody to be taken care of, to be listened to and heard, putting in place professional structure so that everybody knows that the whole of the process is dealt with with an open and professional way, seeking agreement and consent. And then if we can all be open and actually have a really good time and know that we're creating something that is elevating our human storytelling and depicting something that is absolutely serving the production and something that's of beauty.

[David Fuerst]

We're speaking with Ita o', Brien, an intimacy coordinator whose new book is called A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires. We're also looking to hear from you. How do you try to build intimacy in your relationships? What do you find challenging about discussing physical intimacy with a partner? How do you try to feel confident in your body? Or is that difficult? This is a judgment free zone. You can call or text us. Number is 212-433-9692. That's 212-433-WNYC. And I mentioned that you're an intimacy coordinator. How did you become one? And essentially this is a role that you created.

[Ita O'Brien]

That's right. It was a very organic process. I actually had written, you know, so my journey in this career is I actually trained in ballet from the age of three. I ended up working as a musical theater dancer for 10 years. I trained as an actor, worked as an actor for eight years. And then I did the MA in Movement Studies at Central School of Speech and Drama and worked as a movement teacher and a movement director. And then I wrote my own work, which I put on in 2009. But then I was taking that piece further and looking at the dynamic of the perpetrator and the victim. And in that, what we call R and D, where there's not a script, but we're asking, invited to come and explore, you know, these character storytelling. I was looking at how I held a really good rehearsal process and one of my colleagues who was head of movement at one of the drama schools I taught at said, please come and teach what you're developing. I have to note all this intimate content in my drama school. There isn't a professional structure to do it well. And you're creating a professional structure. And that was in April 2015. So pre Weinstein. And then I started sharing those guidelines with the industry in 2017.

[David Fuerst]

Pre Harvey Weinstein. Is what you mean when you say that?

[Ita O'Brien]

That. That's right. That's right. That's right. And then in the subsequent times up a MeToo movement and the industry post the Harvey Weinstein allegations, the industry saying we have to do better and writing codes of conduct. I was there to say and hear within your intention to work with best practice. Here's how we work with the intimate content.

[David Fuerst]

And I want to get into the conversation of how you're making this leap from intimacy on film to this book where we're really talking about intimacy in real life. Right. But I want to also take some phone calls. Let's hear we're talking about intimacy today here on all of it. The number if you would like to join this discussion. 212-433-9692. And let's welcome Sharon from Queens. Welcome to all of it.

[Sharon from Queens]

Hi, how are you? I am in a relationship at 72 years old that is special because he lives in South Carolina. And the intimacy is always exciting because of the time we spend together. Always, no phones on. We put our phones down and just look in each other's eyes because we appreciate our lives at this point. And also I wrote him a love letter which almost blew his mind for Valentine's Day, telling him exactly what I like done to me and what he would like done to you. And we just exchanged on the permission zone. Like, I don't like it when you do that. It's not so much that, but I like it when you do this. So the next time I see you, that would be done.

[David Fuerst]

Sharon, thank you so much for joining this discussion. And what about that ita? I saw your eyes light up when you heard the no phone zone.

[Ita O'Brien]

Well, there's several things. First of all, wow, how gorgeous. And thank you so much, Sharon, for calling in someone you know in their older years heading, you know, into your 80s. It's so wonderful to hear how you are beautifully navigating your intimacy. And my last chapter, finding the enchantress and intimacy into our older years is what I'm championing that it's so important that we understand that our intimacy into our older years, it doesn't stop. In fact, it possibly gets better. And then look at those. What Sharon is doing, sharing the open communication, transparency of what I'm sharing. You know, that what we can do in our intimate lives, considering what do I like and then importantly what I don't like. And. And I'm sharing that so that you know, outside these sexual encounters, when you come together, then you can give each other the pleasure that you desire. And what they're also. She's also evidence. She's there, but she's listening to herself. She knows what she likes and then she's communicating it. All of that is absolutely what I'm advocating for. Utterly joyous to hear her sharing that with us.

[David Fuerst]

We're speaking with Ita o'. Brien. The new book is Intimacy A Field Guide for finding connection and feeling your deep desires. We're going to take a quick break and continue this discussion. Coming up next with more of your calling calls. 212-433-9692. It's all of it on WNYC. It's all of it on wnyc. I'm David Fuerst, and for Alison Stewart, we're speaking with Ita o', Brien, the author of A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires. And we're going to get to another one of your calls in just a moment. But I wanted to ask, how do you make this leap right from being an intimacy coordinator for TV and film to real life? Because that's primarily what this new book focuses on. When did you begin to realize that what you learned as an intimacy coordinator could apply to our actual relationships?

[Ita O'Brien]

So my realization was, as I said, that that shift to the, you know, the intimate content being the elephant in the room, that actually when you have a professional structure written out, open communication, transparency, then inviting agreement and consent and then clear choreography, giving yourself a structure and then closure, that actually those fundamental tenants are really wonderful structure to bring into our own lives. So and then the next thing is, so first of all, when you that's quite a leap because and then that realization and I myself come from a very strict Irish Catholic family, so I've come from that place of, you know, intimacy should only happen within the bounds of matrimony and only with the intention to procreate. So that shift to going from, you know, that, you know, and then anything outside that it was shame and guilt. So that shift to then being open is part of my lived experience as well. And realizing, wow, what happens when you actually understand it's a beautiful part of who we are as human beings and how we share our connection and our intimacy with each other is actually the most wonderful part of not just, you know, our emotional and intimate expression, our spiritual expression, and just the most beautiful part of our loving. And so that's what I'm really excited to share. And then the next thing is that actually the fundamentals then, in order to be able to do that, is actually to be present in your body to and that journey of into me, see, which is loving into me, see, how do I love myself? How do I connect Myself and then bring that into my partners. And actually what I love following on from, from Katie Brown's, you know, the article that I was listening to with her book about tiny gardens everywhere is that's part of what I'm advocating. And it's so gorgeous that I'm following her because it is that I'm saying, listen to yourself, connect with yourself. We are earth beings, earth, air, fire and water. And so that thing of being present, being embodied, being grounded, just getting out in nature, that helps us stay alive and sensuous in our own bodies, helps us then to nurture our own intimacy. So that's also. So the different physical and movement techniques that I'm offering are little tools like walking better on the grass or again, sort of listening to Sharon, just saying about sharing what you want in order to pause and stop and. And give yourself space. It starts from actually, you know, again, one of the techniques, the first one I'll offer is 20 connected breaths. So simple. Just a technique to help you just pause to be present with yourself. Be present with yourself. Letting, letting go of perhaps what you've been doing. You've had a busy day, pausing, connecting, getting grounded, listening, and then ready to then really connect and go on to the next part of your day. And particularly if you're gonna, you know, sort of perhaps have an evening with your partner. Those kind of techniques really help you to be present.

[David Fuerst]

And you have lots of ideas and exercises in this book to help us be present in our lives. Our guest is Ita o'. Brien. The book is a field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires. And Ita, we have a lot of phone calls coming through right now. Thanks everyone for joining. I'm gonna try to get to several of these calls very quickly here. Dara Morristown, New Jersey. Welcome to all of it.

[Dara from Morristown, New Jersey]

Thank you for taking my call. So my question is really after the long day, it's like it's very hard to be intimate with a partner. And for me, intimacy is more about the emotional. And it starts with the whole body language, not just get to the business. And with my partner, it's about getting to the business. And we just can't match up with the frequency of it. Like, because I'm never ready after the long day. It feels a dragging day and don't know how to get there. And so. And we don't know how to talk about it. That's where we are stuck.

[David Fuerst]

Thank you so much for sharing, Dara. And what would you say?

[Ita O'Brien]

Absolutely. So what students? Dara is highlighting is actually making a time and space for each other. And what Dara is beautifully sharing is, you know, at the end of a long day when you're tired isn't perhaps the best time. So perhaps just talk about just like you would do if you're going to go to a cinema, you know, let's make this date. So perhaps talking about that's not a good time for me. Perhaps at the weekend, when do we both have a free weekend and let's just give time for each other. Perhaps it's starting by going for a walk, you know, in, you know, in nature together and then coming back. Perhaps it's going well. Perhaps just get together and let's give ourselves a foot massage, which you will find in my book, which again is a really lovely offering to each other. So what you're saying is really. And again, what I hear you saying is that you're really understanding your own energy and then it's how to communicate. And then the next thing is that again, sort of that aspect of just as Sharon had said before is just sharing again with your partner, perhaps just having that conversation of this works for me. This is what I really like. And so if you're offering that and again, when you're offering that, then it's like, and then on this date, let's just have a play. Let's just explore. So, yeah, so make a date night and make it at a time that works for both of you.

[David Fuerst]

Well, we only have about a minute left. I want to see if I could get you to respond to this text quickly. Someone saying, I'm struggling with ways to increase the emotional intimacy I feel between my husband and myself as I feel the lack of it is having an adverse effect on our sex life. When I tell him this, he says he needs physical intimacy to feel closer to me. So it seems like kind of a stalemate.

[Ita O'Brien]

So what I really offer and what I offer for the book is that what I can share with you is from my movement practice. And that then, you know what's very, very positive if you're finding it at an impasse in your life, is then possibly offering to go to a couple of therapists. So perhaps those are the kind of people that can help you listen and help you navigate those conversations when you find that there's a mismatch.

[David Fuerst]

Well, I have about 150 questions here that I wanted to ask you that we're not going to have time for, but you can read much more about all of this in the new book we've been discussing how to create more intimacy in our relationships. Our guest has been Intimacy Coordinator Ita o', Brien, and the new book is a field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires. Thank you so much for joining us.

[Ita O'Brien]

Thank you, David. It was an absolute pleasure to be here.

[David Fuerst]

And for today, that is all of it. I'm David Fuerst. Alison Stewart will be back tomorrow with musician Rafael Siddiq and a conversation about the new play Marcel on the Train that's coming up tomorrow. Have a great afternoon.

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[Ita O'Brien]

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[Ita O'Brien]

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[Sharon from Queens]

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[Ita O'Brien]

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