All Of It – WNYC

Episode Title: How to Be More Intimate
Air Date: February 18, 2026
Host: David Fuerst (in for Alison Stewart)
Guest: Ita O’Brien, Intimacy Coordinator and Author

Episode Overview

This episode explores the nature of intimacy—beyond just sexual connection—how it’s depicted in film and television, and how those depictions shape our personal relationships. Host David Fuerst speaks with Ita O’Brien, a pioneering intimacy coordinator and author of Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires, about transforming both on-screen and real-life intimacy, consent, and connection. The episode features listener call-ins sharing their experiences and challenges with intimacy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Intimacy

• Broader Definition: O’Brien emphasizes that intimacy is not a euphemism for sex; it encompasses a spectrum of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential, and physical (including sexual) closeness between people.
  • Quote: “We have a whole rainbow of a gamut of our intimate expression... emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential intimacy that can also lead to physical intimacy and then sexual intimacy.” (Ita O'Brien, 02:52)

2. Portrayal of Intimacy on Screen

• Historical Context: Past depictions on film often glossed over intimacy with stylized, unrealistic scenes, failing to capture the character’s emotional reality or the complexity of human connection.
  • Quote: “Growing up in the 1980s...some kissing would start and then suddenly we’re in a music video. Right. And what was happening was sort of bearing no connection to the characters that we were getting to know.” (David Fuerst, 03:38)
• Lack of Professional Structure: The absence of structured choreography or discussion led to awkward or unsafe environments for actors, and shallow storytelling for viewers.
  • Quote: “...because it wasn’t engaged with. Because there wasn’t a professional structure...it was the elephant in the room.” (Ita O'Brien, 05:15)

3. Role and Importance of Intimacy Coordinators

• Job Description: Intimacy coordinators choreograph intimate scenes to ensure safety, comfort, and realism. Their role ensures clear consent, boundaries, and creative collaboration for all involved.
  • Quote: “For two actors who aren’t lovers...who might not even have met before that moment. So suddenly to be asked to...perform degrees of intimate touch...without a clear and professional journey, seeking agreement and consent...” (Ita O'Brien, 06:22)
• Positive Outcomes: With guidelines and open communication, cast and crew can create more authentic, complex, and respectful depictions of intimacy, enhancing both art and workplace culture.
  • Quote: “...this work supports everybody to be taken care of, to be listened to and heard...so that everybody knows that the whole of the process is dealt with...seeking agreement and consent.” (Ita O'Brien, 07:32)

4. Developing the Profession

• O'Brien’s Path: Ita O’Brien’s career began in dance and acting; developing processes for safely staging intimate content grew from her own experiences and a recognized industry need, emerging even before #MeToo.
  • Quote: “I trained in ballet from the age of three...I started sharing those guidelines with the industry in 2017.” (Ita O'Brien, 09:36)
• Responding to Industry Change: O’Brien’s protocols became vital following awareness raised by the Harvey Weinstein revelations and subsequent #MeToo movement.
  • Quote: “...the industry post the Harvey Weinstein allegations, the industry saying we have to do better and writing codes of conduct. I was there to say...here’s how we work with the intimate content.” (Ita O'Brien, 10:45)

5. Translating On-Screen Practices to Real Life

• Foundational Principles for Daily Life: The structure she teaches on set—openness, communication, agreement, consent, and closure—are powerful tools for building healthy intimacy in actual relationships.
  • Quote: “...when you have a professional structure, open communication, transparency, then inviting agreement and consent and then clear choreography, giving yourself a structure and then closure, those fundamental tenets are really wonderful...to bring into our own lives.” (Ita O'Brien, 14:52)
• Self-Connection Comes First: Being present in one’s body, knowing what you want, and communicating it is the foundation of being able to connect with others.
  • Quote: “...that journey of into me, see, which is loving into me, see, how do I love myself? How do I connect Myself and then bring that into my partners.” (Ita O’Brien, 15:30)

6. Listener Call-Ins: Real-Life Challenges and Joys

• Sharon from Queens (12:35):
  • Shares how at age 72, long-distance connection with her partner is kept exciting by device-free visits and open communication (“no phones on, just look in each other’s eyes”). She also wrote a detailed love letter describing her desires and boundaries.
    • Quote: “We just exchanged on the permission zone. Like, I don’t like it when you do that...but I like it when you do this.” (Sharon from Queens, 11:37)
  • O’Brien reacts with delight:
    • Quote: “Wow, how gorgeous...someone in their older years...it’s so wonderful to hear how you are beautifully navigating your intimacy.” (Ita O'Brien, 12:46)
• Dara from Morristown, NJ (18:15):
  • Struggles with mismatched needs: after a tiring day, she craves emotional intimacy and connection, while her partner prefers to “get to the business.” Neither knows how to bridge the gap.
    • O’Brien suggests scheduling intimacy for when both are receptive, perhaps on weekends or after relaxing activities like a nature walk or massage, and encourages open conversations about preferences and needs.
    • Quote: “Just talk about it—just like you would if you’re going to go to a cinema, let’s make this date. Perhaps at the weekend...perhaps just get together and let’s give ourselves a foot massage...” (Ita O'Brien, 19:04)
• Text from Listener (20:30):
  • Emotional vs. physical intimacy impasse: one partner craves emotional closeness, the other prioritizes physical connection.
    • O’Brien encourages professional support if stuck, like couples therapy, to help partners communicate and understand each other better.

7. Practical Advice and Tools for Greater Intimacy

• Techniques for Connection:
  • Being present in your body (grounding exercises, spending time in nature).
  • Specific exercises (e.g., “20 connected breaths”) to center yourself and prepare for connection.
    • Quote: “It starts from actually, you know, again, one of the techniques, the first one I’ll offer is 20 connected breaths...just a technique to help you just pause to be present with yourself.” (Ita O'Brien, 17:07)

Memorable Quotes

• On Intimacy’s Spectrum:
  “We have a whole rainbow of a gamut of our intimate expression.” (Ita O'Brien, 02:52)

• On the Need for Professional Structure in Film:
  “It was the elephant in the room. It was the aspect of, well, people weren’t comfortable to talk about it...just get on with it.” (Ita O’Brien, 05:15)

• On Learning to Love Ourselves:
  “That journey of into me, see—which is loving into me, see, how do I love myself? How do I connect Myself and then bring that into my partners.” (Ita O’Brien, 15:30)

• On Longevity of Intimacy:
  “It’s so important that we understand that our intimacy into our older years, it doesn’t stop. In fact, it possibly gets better.” (Ita O’Brien, 12:46)

• On Creating Space for Intimacy:
  “Just talk about it—just like you would if you’re going to go to a cinema, let’s make this date.” (Ita O’Brien, 19:04)

Notable Moments & Timestamps

• [01:20] Introduction of Ita O’Brien and her work
• [02:52] Ita’s expanded definition of intimacy
• [05:15] Discussion about lack of professional structure for intimate scenes
• [09:36] Ita on inventing her profession and her background
• [12:35] Sharon from Queens shares her practices for intimacy at age 72
• [14:52] O’Brien on translating on-screen practices to personal relationships
• [18:15] Dara from Morristown’s call on mismatched intimacy needs
• [20:30] Listener text about emotional vs. physical intimacy stalemate
• [21:19] O’Brien suggests therapy for stuck couples

Conclusion

This episode of All Of It provides practical, compassionate advice for enhancing intimacy—whether on screen or in one’s personal life. Ita O’Brien advocates for structured, honest, and embodied approaches to connection, emphasizing that intimacy grows out of self-knowledge, communication, and mutual respect. Listener stories reinforce the importance (and challenges) of navigating intimacy at every stage of life.

Key Takeaway:
Intimacy is a holistic, lifelong process that requires openness, communication, and self-awareness—skills anyone can build with intention and structure.

Book referenced:
Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires by Ita O’Brien