All Of It with Alison Stewart

Episode Summary: "How to Sort a Deceased Parent's Stuff" (Jan 26, 2026)

Episode Overview

This episode explores the deeply emotional and logistically challenging process of sorting through a deceased parent’s belongings. Host Alison Stewart speaks with Becky Robison, author of My Parents Are Dead, What Now? A Panic Free Guide to the Practicalities of Death. Through candid conversation, listener calls, and practical advice, the episode addresses how families experience, approach, and handle the task of choosing what to keep, donate, or discard—while concurrently managing family relationships and the grieving process.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Emotional and Practical Realities (00:30–04:16)

• Dual Toll: Becky describes sorting her parents’ possessions as both "hard emotionally and physically," amplified by her parents owning homes in multiple states.
  • “There's part of you that wants to get attached to the smallest things... But what do I do with that? I'm not an architect. ... On the other, there's this part of you that's like, oh, God, just get rid of it all. I can't deal with all of this stuff.” — Becky (01:31)
• Time Constraints: Sometimes, logistical realities (selling property, travel distances) force rushed decisions, while other times, families can take longer.
  • Florida condo cleared in a week, Wisconsin condo much more slowly due to sister moving in.

2. Gaps in Resources & the Origin of the Book (02:58–03:36)

• Becky’s book grew from her website “deadparentswhatnow.com,” which emerged because she found abundant grief support but little practical, step-by-step guidance.
  • "I couldn't find a lot of resources about what to do logistically… So I created dead parents what now.com because I have a dark sense of humor." — Becky (03:02)

3. Planning Ahead and Communication (04:16–05:15)

• Wish-I-Had-Knowns: Becky urges early conversations with parents about their possessions—both to reduce volume and clarify wishes.
  • "I wish I had talked to them about it before so they could have gotten rid of some of it themselves." — Becky (04:16)
  • Planning is difficult due to emotional and practical complexities; important to broach the topic before it’s too late.

4. Deciding What to Keep: Navigating Attachment and Logic (05:15–06:21)

• Criteria for Keeping: Evaluate both emotional significance and practicality. Sometimes small, seemingly trivial items (“mom's $5 soap dispenser”) can be precious in grief.
• Legacy Projects: Consider repurposing items into art or gifts—honoring the memory without keeping everything.

5. “Accidental Heirlooms” & Making Meaning from the Mundane (06:21–07:36)

• "Accidental heirlooms" are everyday objects that gain unexpected significance posthumously.
  • Becky recalls her mother’s “artistic fly swatter”—kept for utility but now a gentle reminder.
  • Alison shares a family bathmat turned art piece: "It reminds me of them all the time..." — Alison (07:09)

6. Listener Calls: Real-World Stories and Challenges (07:36–24:24)

a. Economic and Logistical Hardships (Kyle, 07:47–09:20)

• Young Grievers’ Hurdles: Limited resources, storage, and space, compounded by pressure from minimalistic family culture.
  • "Fight for your time, fight for the space to like work through everything because people won't give it to you automatically." — Kyle (09:10)

b. Grieving Timelines and Work Constraints (09:20–10:37)

• Becky: Take as much time as possible; the process is complicated by “bereavement leave not being mandated.”

  “If it were up to me, we'd all get a year off to be able to figure this stuff out, but we don't.” — Becky (09:42)

c. Family Dynamics and Preventing Conflict (Bob, 11:17–12:46)

• Discussed avoiding “schisms in the family” and the need for generosity and open communication when dividing sentimental items.
  • “Not creating schisms in the family when you’re distributing things that are sentimental… is very, very important.” — Bob (11:52)
• Proactive decluttering for one’s own children after the parent’s passing.

d. Cross-Generational Sorting as Connection (Lucy, 12:55–13:49)

• Helping a living parent downsize can create “amazing” bonding experiences and clarity about family heirlooms’ stories.

e. Approaching “Swedish Death Cleaning” (14:11–14:48)

• Becky recommends framing conversations about decluttering as opportunities for connection (“Let me help you”), not just preparation for death.
  • "Let me help you. Make it less about you're going to die... Let's spend time together." — Becky (14:13)

7. Digital Assets: The New Frontier (15:07–15:50)

• Critical to gather passwords and digital access information now; digital assets are increasingly part of estates.
  • "Make your parents write down all their passwords. Make them do it now." — Becky (15:11)
• Paying phone bills briefly after death can help access two-factor authentication.

8. Generational Gaps and Space Constraints (15:50–16:39)

• Younger generations often lack the physical space for “analog” object collections, leading to challenging conversations with parents.

9. When to Hire Professionals (16:39–17:26)

• Hiring estate sale or clean-out companies can be helpful if affordable, to reduce the emotional and logistical burden.

10. Sibling Tension, Executors, and Fairness (17:42–20:57)

• Dividing Labor and Sentimental Items: Sibling disagreements, time demands, and the involvement of partners can create complexity and resentment.

  • Kate: Ended up with items she didn’t want—kept to avoid her brother’s partner taking them.

• Executor Compensation: Navigating compensation is sensitive; laws vary by state. Becky recommends honest communication and mediation if needed.

  "If you can explain to your siblings... this is the amount of work I've been doing... Perhaps if you can, you know, kind of broach that..." — Becky (19:42)

11. Unique and Overwhelming Items (Stamp Collections, Hoarding) (21:00–22:44)

• Specialty Collections: Seek out collectors or online forums for items like stamps.

• Hoarding vs. Collecting: Hoarding is a mental illness. Approach sensitively, offer to help under the guise of “helping out,” and, if necessary, bring in professional cleaners due to possible health hazards.

  "This might be another situation where professional cleaners are really helpful, because hoarding situations can become, you know, there can be actual, like, health and safety hazards..." — Becky (21:41)

12. Decluttering as Catharsis (Barbara’s Story, 22:50–24:24)

• Moving or sorting through decades of belongings can be a rollercoaster—a path to connection, memory sharing, and personal catharsis.
  • "I've texted pictures to my siblings and said, oh my gosh, do you remember this? ... It's been really an amazing process." — Barbara (23:18)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Becky on Burden & Memory:
  "You get kind of lost in memories while you're going through these things." (04:03)
• Alison’s Heirloom Idea:
  "It's a piece of art that I keep in the bathroom, and it reminds me of them all the time..." (07:09)
• On Family Conflict:
  "Finding ways to talk about being generous and giving up and getting, you know, in a cordial manner, I think that's very, very important." — Bob (11:44)
• Digital Organization:
  "Digital assets are a huge thing. People are including them more often in wills and estates documents now because it is really important..." — Becky (15:29)
• General Advice:
  "It's never too early to think about it. ... Start thinking about this stuff now, having these conversations now." — Becky (24:33)

Important Timestamps (MM:SS)

• 00:30 – Introduction to the topic and Becky Robison
• 01:31 – Emotional and physical tolls of sorting parents’ belongings
• 03:02 – Origin of Becky’s book and website
• 05:15 – Advice for deciding what to keep
• 06:26 – “Accidental heirlooms” explained
• 09:10 – Caller Kyle: logistical/emotional challenges when grieving young
• 11:44 – Caller Bob: preventing family rifts in division of possessions
• 12:55 – Caller Lucy: collaborative decluttering as bonding
• 14:11 – Swedish death cleaning discussion
• 15:11 – Digital cleaning and passwords advice
• 16:43 – Hiring professionals for estate or clean-out services
• 17:42 – Caller Kate: sibling conflict and emotional complications
• 19:42 – Executor compensation advice
• 21:41 – Dealing with parental hoarding and mental health
• 22:50 – Caller Barbara: cathartic nature of decluttering one's own and inherited items
• 24:33 – Becky’s final advice: start early, have the conversations now

End Note

The episode offers both permission and practical tools to approach an inevitable part of life: sorting a loved one’s possessions. It balances empathy for complex emotions with actionable steps—emphasizing communication, planning, and the value of memories over material things. Listeners are encouraged to open difficult conversations early, approach the task at their own pace, and remember they’re not alone in facing these transitions.