Podcast Summary: All Of It – "If It Takes A Village, What Does It Take To Find Yours?"
Host: Alison Stewart (WNYC)
Guests:
- Katherine Jazer Morton (Writer, The Cut – Brooding column)
- Raina Cohen (NPR Producer/Editor, Author: The Other Significant Others)
Date: November 19, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode of All Of It delves into the concept of "the village"—the network of relationships beyond your core family, often spoken of as essential for wellbeing and support, especially through life's challenges. Host Alison Stewart speaks with writers Katherine Jazer Morton and Raina Cohen, and invites listener stories, exploring how people build, maintain, and redefine their villages at various life stages.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Defining the Village
-
Katherine Jazer Morton describes a village as “an ease or relaxation around other people who aren't in your immediate nuclear family,” highlighting informality, mutual reliability, and not feeling like an imposition.
"The idea of having people just drop by... or feeling like you can leave your kids with other people when you go out and run an errand. You don't have to worry about it or feel bad."
(02:13) -
Raina Cohen adds that a village means “people you don’t need to be cleaned up and put together for,” and emphasizes that villages aren't always your closest friends but anyone willing to reliably lend or accept a hand.
“A village doesn't necessarily need to be composed of your closest friends. It can just be people who are willing to lend a hand and who you are willing to also lend a hand to.”
(02:46)
Friends vs. Villages
- Katherine distinguishes friends from villages: Friends may be for special interests or rituals, but a village is about “getting you through the ordinary times.”
(03:28) - Raina notes proximity is key for villages—support is day-to-day and more accessible if people live near you, distinguishing village relationships from long-distance friendships.
(04:00)
Centering Friendship for Fulfillment
- Raina argues that diversifying your social support by centering life around a broad group, not just a romantic partner, provides a “more durable, more flexible” net, reduces risk of overburdening one relationship, and allows for more wellbeing.
"If you have a number of good friends in your life, they are each likely to bring out different sides of you and, and help you tap into different things that you enjoy.”
(04:59)
Listener Stories & Memorable Moments
“Get your own tribe!” – Sharon from Queens
A grandmother, Sharon, calls in with generational advice about building a support network, especially for new parents and men.
“As women, we have a tendency not to ask for help...I tell all my lovers, get your own tribe, because my friends are my friends. You need to get some friends.”
(06:50)
Katherine affirms: the health of relationships depends on each person having their own support, not relying exclusively on one another.
(07:51)
Community Building Obstacles: Cohousing and Neighborhoods
Emily in Ossining shares her family's failed, yet enriching, attempt to develop a co-housing community, illustrating how building a physical village can be challenging, but neighborly connections persist.
(08:27–10:00)
- Raina shares her own experience living communally with friends and offers practical advice:
“Start small... You have to coordinate a lot. So that's sort of how things began for me and my husband...”
(10:11)
Building Villages Without Kids
Raina underscores shared needs—illness, errands, life events—beyond parenting as prime opportunities for mutual aid. She emphasizes the importance of proximity and actively requesting help.
(11:22)
Challenges of New Parenthood
Katherine explores how consumer culture “encourages people to believe that they can control their environment” with products, making it harder to ask for community support.
(12:37)
Rebuilding Community After Loss
Beth from Oyster Bay discusses the emotional difficulty and effort of rebuilding a village after family changes, aging, and tragic circumstances. Religion, social activities, and the local Y were key for connection.
(13:30)
"It is a lot of work and I do think the older you get, it is harder. We both lost our mothers in the past year...”
(14:54)
When Village Fails: Illness and Disappointment
Sarah from Brooklyn reveals disappointment and change in her support network during a family cancer crisis—it challenged her expectations and her sense of community.
"A lot of people didn't show up that we were anticipating to show up or showed up in really disappointing ways...it completely changes how you see how you expect people to show up for you...”
(15:39)
- Raina: Sometimes people “don’t know what to do”—either lack skills facing mortality or are waiting for instruction. Taking the initiative to state needs explicitly, even aggressively, can mobilize support.
(17:05)
Feeling Included: The Invitation as Empowerment
Katherine reflects on how being invited over for dinner jumpstarted her own village, especially during vulnerable times.
“It made me feel included in a way that just felt so easy...when other people give you grace...it can be very freeing and very like a feeling of belonging can grow out of that.”
(19:23)
The Trap of Weaponized Competence
Katherine describes how “weaponized competence”—the idea that “you’re the only one who does it right”—can isolate new parents and prevent them from accepting help, ultimately making building a village harder.
“Competence as a weapon can isolate us and can make it hard for other people to give us help...”
(20:27)
“Give more than you can, and give away as much as possible!”
Zeke from Brooklyn recounts how, after a severe accident, the community he’d built by giving away vegetables during COVID rallied to support him in return. Pay-it-forward generosity fosters connection.
(21:48–23:39)
Practical Takeaways & Final Thoughts
Trade-Offs of Community
Raina:
“If you really want all the control, you're going to have to give up support...there are inconveniences to being in community...figure out what you actually value most.”
(23:59)
Katherine:
“Making community with people...can challenge us, frustrate us, be inconvenient. But it challenges us to be self aware and kind of the better versions of ourselves...I think everyone should commit to it to some degree.”
(24:30)
Celebrating NYC’s Diverse Villages
A listener highlights New York City’s strength—multiple micro-villages around music, gardening, birding—proving that a village can be circumstantial, seasonal, and ever-renewed.
(24:56)
Notable Quotes
- “You know it when you see it.” – Alison Stewart, regarding the elusive definition of “village” (01:58)
- “It is riskier to expect one person to be everything to you—including your best friend.” – Raina Cohen (04:59)
- “If you really want all the control, you’re going to have to give up support.” – Raina Cohen (23:59)
- “Competence as a weapon can isolate us...” – Katherine Jazer Morton (20:27)
- “Give more than you can and give away as much as possible.” – Zeke, caller (23:39)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 02:13 – Katherine defines “the village”
- 04:00 – Proximity in friendship vs. village (Raina)
- 06:50 – Sharon on generational village-building
- 08:27 – Emily’s cohousing attempt & neighborly networks
- 10:11 – Raina’s advice for building communal living
- 11:22 – How non-parents can build their own village
- 12:37 – Why it’s hard for new parents to build a village
- 13:30 – Beth on rebuilding community after loss
- 15:39 – Sarah (Brooklyn) on illness, disappointment in village
- 19:23 – The power of an invitation (Katherine)
- 20:27 – Weaponized competence explained
- 21:48 – Zeke’s story: giving as community-building
- 23:59 – Final thoughts: tradeoffs and self-awareness
Conclusion
Finding or building a “village” is not a one-size-fits-all pursuit; it’s nuanced, messy, seasonal, and takes work—but the benefits are broad and deeply human. Whether through proximity, invitation, active requests for help, or acts of giving, the village is as much about making oneself available as it is about letting others in. The episode closes on encouragement to value community, embrace its imperfections, and recognize its transformative, sustaining role in all stages of life.