All Of It: Peer Support And ‘Renegade Grief’ After Loss

Hosted by Alison Stewart, WNYC's "All Of It" delves deep into the multifaceted aspects of culture and its consumers. In the episode titled "Peer Support And ‘Renegade Grief’ After Loss," released on March 11, 2025, Alison engages in a heartfelt conversation with Carla Fernandez, co-founder of the Dinner Party and author of the groundbreaking book, Renegade: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life After Loss. This episode explores the unconventional pathways of grieving, the importance of community support, and the cultural nuances that shape our experiences of loss.

Understanding Renegade Grief

[00:31] Alison Stewart:
Introduction to the episode, highlighting upcoming discussions and guests, with a focus on Carla Fernandez's Renegade Grief.

Alison Stewart opens the episode by setting the stage for a profound exploration of grief, challenging the traditional, linear perceptions of the grieving process. She introduces Carla Fernandez, who joins the show to discuss her transformative book and the community support structures she helped establish.

Carla Fernandez: From Personal Loss to Community Support

[02:22] Carla Fernandez:
"I think we live in a culture that would have us ignore, sweep under the rug, quickly move past times of grief and loss..."

Carla Fernandez shares her personal journey, sparked by the loss of her father to brain cancer at the age of 21. Unlike typical narratives that frame grief as a sequence of predictable stages, Carla emphasizes the chaotic and unpredictable nature of grief. Her experience led her to co-found the Dinner Party, a support group aimed at creating meaningful conversations among young adults navigating loss.

The Birth and Evolution of the Dinner Party

[04:30] Alison Stewart:
Asks Carla about the foundations of the Dinner Party.

[04:43] Carla Fernandez:
Carla explains that the Dinner Party began as a simple dinner gathering intended to honor her father's memory through shared meals and open dialogue. Initially envisioned as a one-time event, it organically transformed into a monthly gathering as more young individuals connected over their shared experiences of loss. Carla and her co-founder, Lennon Flowers, expanded this concept into a nationwide network, facilitating approximately 150 tables in New York City alone over five years.

Creating Space for Young Grievers

[06:53] Carla Fernandez:
"I think it was what Lennon and I, who were both in our early 20s, needed ourselves..."

Carla highlights the unique challenges faced by young adults in grief. Traditional support groups often cater to older demographics, leaving younger individuals feeling isolated. The Dinner Party fills this gap by fostering a community where young adults can connect with peers in similar life phases, addressing the transitional uncertainty they navigate post-loss.

Conversations That Heal

[07:42] Alison Stewart:
Inquires about the nature of discussions within the Dinner Party.

[07:50] Carla Fernandez:
Carla describes the multifaceted conversations that emerge, ranging from personal stories of loss to broader topics like relationships, spirituality, and future aspirations. A key theme is the establishment of rituals and care practices that help participants process their grief. Initially centered around potluck dinners, the gatherings evolved to include virtual meetings during the pandemic, ensuring continuity of support.

The Role of Food in Grief Support

[09:08] Alison Stewart:
Mentions the significance of food in the Dinner Party.

[09:20] Carla Fernandez:
Food serves as a poignant medium for remembrance and connection. Each participant brings a dish that encapsulates memories of their loved one, shifting the focus from the manner of loss to the celebration of life. This culinary aspect fosters a sense of community and shared healing, even as the format adapts to virtual settings.

Cultural Dimensions of Grief

[13:19] Carla Fernandez:
"Everyone comes to the table with their own particular cultural experience of grief..."

Carla delves into how cultural backgrounds profoundly influence grieving processes. The Dinner Party recognizes and embraces these differences by forming affinity tables, allowing individuals to connect with others who share similar cultural or personal contexts. This approach acknowledges the diverse rituals and traditions that various communities bring to their understanding of grief, enriching the collective healing experience.

Time and Grief: A Non-Linear Journey

[14:44] Alison Stewart:
References Carla's discussion on the perception of time in grief.

[15:01] Carla Fernandez:
Carla explores the non-linear experience of time in grief, emphasizing that loss can feel both immediate and distant. Drawing inspiration from neuroscientist Mary Frances O'Connor, she structures her book around honoring the past, being present, and envisioning the future. This spiral approach reflects the ongoing and revisited nature of grief rather than a simple progression through stages.

Challenging Traditional Grief Narratives

[15:57] Carla Fernandez:
"I think it's just sort of Western culture's obsession with the neat, tidy completion of things..."

Carla critiques the Western tendency to oversimplify grief, pushing towards a quick emotional recovery. She references Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work, clarifying that even foundational theories on grief do not prescribe a rigid sequence of stages. Instead, grief remains a complex and individual experience that defies strict categorization, aligning with her book's theme of "renegade" grief.

Supporting Grieving Individuals

[16:45] Lennon Flowers:
Asks for advice on supporting someone who is grieving.

[16:58] Carla Fernandez:
Carla advises reaching out with genuine, personalized gestures rather than defaulting to generic expressions of sympathy. She emphasizes the importance of showing up for someone in their grief without imposing expectations, recognizing that support needs to be tailored to the individual's unique experience.

[18:00] Carla Fernandez:
"It's important to not come in with expectations that they're gonna give me the pat on the back or tell me what I want to hear..."

Respecting a griever's space and timing is crucial. Carla highlights that support should be offered without pressure, allowing individuals to process their grief at their own pace and in their own way.

Conclusion: Embracing Renegade Grief

The episode culminates with Carla Fernandez reinforcing the essence of her book, Renegade: A Guide to the Wild Ride of Life After Loss. She encapsulates the idea that tending to grief requires breaking away from societal norms, embracing interdependence, and honoring the depth and complexity of one's emotional journey. By fostering communities like the Dinner Party and advocating for a more nuanced understanding of grief, Carla invites listeners to redefine their relationship with loss, transforming it into a powerful catalyst for personal and communal growth.

Through heartfelt storytelling and insightful discussions, this episode of "All Of It" offers a transformative perspective on grief, urging listeners to embrace their unique paths and seek meaningful connections in the aftermath of loss.