What's the Best Advice You've Gotten?

Summary

Podcast Summary: All Of It – "What's the Best Advice You've Gotten?"

Host: Alison Stewart
Guest: Philip Galanis, Social Cues Columnist for The New York Times
Release Date: January 2, 2025
Duration: Approximately 30 minutes

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Introduction

In the kickoff episode of 2025, Alison Stewart welcomes listeners to "All Of It," a WNYC show dedicated to exploring culture and its myriad influences. The episode centers on the theme: "What's the Best Advice You've Gotten?" Stewart introduces Philip Galanis, the New York Times' Social Cues columnist, to delve into the intricacies of offering and receiving advice in today's complex social landscape.

Philip Galanis: From Law and Literature to Advice Columns

[02:38] Philip Galanis:
Galanis shares his unconventional career trajectory, transitioning from law and novel writing to becoming an advice columnist. He explains, “The best thing that I learned about being a lawyer is that people really want to talk... what they really want to do is get something off their chests.” This foundational skill in active listening seamlessly translated into his role as a columnist, where he emphasizes understanding the emotional undertones behind each query.

[05:10] Philip Galanis:
Reflecting on his debut, Galanis notes, “We started mean… I thought, wow, things are pretty damn mean without me piling meanness on too.” This insight underscores his approach to maintaining empathy and kindness in his advice, despite the often harsh realities presented by his readers.

Evolution of Advice Letters

[06:34] Alison Stewart:
Stewart and Galanis discuss how the nature of advice letters has evolved over the past 15 years. Galanis observes, “The letters have gotten a lot… people get right into telling you how awful things are.” He attributes this shift to the pervasive influence of social media, where individuals are conditioned to voice their grievances more openly and immediately.

Listener Call-Ins: Diverse Wisdom

The episode features a series of listener contributions, each sharing impactful advice that has shaped their lives.

1. Emily from Nyack
   [09:25] Emily:
   “When we are fearful, we don't make good choices... I was making the situation worse because I was so fearful of what could happen to my child.” Emily credits a friend's advice for helping her recognize and manage fear-driven reactions as a parent.

2. Dom from Manhattan
   [10:20] Dom:
   “Every problem you ever have is like a cow stuck in a ditch on a ranch.” Dom outlines a three-step approach: remove the cow from the ditch, understand how it got there, and prevent future incidents.

3. Laura from Glen Cove
   [11:10] Laura:
   “Nothing is ever going to happen unless you're there.” This empowering advice from Laura’s mentor has motivated her to actively engage in networking and career-building opportunities.

4. Anna from Brooklyn
   [13:17] Anna:
   “The only things worth going into debt for are your education and your home.” This pragmatic financial advice has guided Anna's life decisions post-college.

5. Additional Contributions:
   Listeners also share insights such as “Radical acceptance” for coping with loss, and “Impermanence” inspired by Buddhist teachings, emphasizing the transient nature of life's challenges.

Deeper Dive: Handling Diverse Questions

[14:34] Alison Stewart:
Stewart inquires about how Galanis manages the wide spectrum of questions, from mundane to deeply personal.

[14:45] Philip Galanis:
Galanis explains his editorial process: “I take them all at face value… how interested am I in this question?” He balances relatable issues with more profound struggles, ensuring each reader feels heard without overwhelming himself.

The Human Element in Advice

[16:00] Alison Stewart:
Stewart highlights the emotional weight behind the advice-giving process, prompting Galanis to elaborate on his empathetic approach.

[16:39] Philip Galanis:
He discusses the duality of receiving both praise and vitriol from readers, stating, “Half of the people are like, you are the most wonderful human being… and the other half are saying, we hope you contract stomach cancer.” Despite negativity, Galanis remains committed to offering strategies that alleviate emotional distress, such as being kind and forgiving.

Personalized Responses and Follow-Ups

[17:23] Philip Galanis:
Galanis shares his practice of following up with letters, especially those from young individuals facing significant challenges. He recounts a poignant case where he advised a parent to forgive her child, reinforcing the power of unconditional love and understanding.

Additional Listener Insights

6. Vivian from New Milford
   [21:16] Vivian:
   “Instead of saying, 'I have to,' my friend told me to say, 'I get to.'” This shift in perspective has helped Vivian appreciate everyday responsibilities more deeply.

7. Yvonne from Westchester
   [22:15] Yvonne:
   “Life is a visual manifestation of the invisible workings of the mind.” Drawing from Buddhist philosophy, Yvonne emphasizes the importance of positive thinking and passion in shaping one's reality.

8. Toby from Manhattan
   [24:03] Toby:
   “Life is not practice.” Toby grapples with understanding whether this advice encourages caution or boldness, highlighting the nuanced nature of personal guidance.

Best Advice Shared by Philip Galanis

[28:29] Philip Galanis:
Reflecting on his own experiences, Galanis shares what he considers the best advice he has ever given: “Be kind, be loving, forgiving.” He recounts advising a parent to forgive her child unconditionally, illustrating the enduring impact of compassion and understanding in healing relationships.

Conclusion

Alison Stewart wraps up the episode by thanking Philip Galanis and the listeners for their heartfelt contributions. The discussion underscores the universal quest for meaningful advice and the delicate balance between offering guidance and providing a safe space for individuals to express their vulnerabilities.

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Notable Quotes:

• Philip Galanis [02:38]:
  “The best thing that I learned about being a lawyer is that people really want to talk... what they really want to do is get something off their chests.”

• Dom [10:20]:
  “Every problem you ever have is like a cow stuck in a ditch on a ranch.”

• Laura [11:10]:
  “Nothing is ever going to happen unless you're there.”

• Anna [13:17]:
  “The only things worth going into debt for are your education and your home.”

• Vivian [21:16]:
  “Instead of saying, 'I have to,' my friend told me to say, 'I get to.'”

• Yvonne [22:15]:
  “Life is a visual manifestation of the invisible workings of the mind.”

• Philip Galanis [28:29]:
  “Be kind, be loving, forgiving.”

This episode of "All Of It" masterfully intertwines personal anecdotes, professional insights, and listener stories to explore the multifaceted nature of advice. It highlights the importance of empathy, understanding, and the transformative power of thoughtful guidance in shaping individual and collective experiences.

Transcript

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[Philip Galanis]

Listener support WNYC Studios.

[Alison Stewart]

This is all of It.

I'm Alison Stewart live from the WNYC Studios in SoHo. Happy New Year. Thanks for spending part of your day with us and I'm grateful that you are here. On today's show, Gretchen Rubin joins us to talk about how to pick up a new hobby. We'll also learn what works are entering the public domain this year. And hey, maybe one of your new hobbies could be adapting one of them to music. And we'll hear about a very special concert that's happening next Wednesday at Joe's Pub. That is the plan. So let's get this first live show started of 2025. Let's go. A new year is a time when many of us take stock and ponder how we want to be living. Sometimes we do this by sifting through collective wisdom and trying to find out what resonates with us. So we wanna know what is the best advice you've ever received? Have you ever had someone say something that really helped you or changed how you look at something or how you're gonna use it in the Please share it with us. Call or text us at 2124-3396-9221-2433. WNYC. Tell us the best advice you have ever been given. How would you put it into practice? 2124-3396-9221-2433. WNYC. You can also reach out to us on social media of IT nyc. And we have with us a wonderful guest for this conversation. Philip Galanis is the social cues columnist for the New York Times where he approaches each question with warmth. Philip, welcome back to all of it.

[Philip Galanis]

Thank you, Allison. Thank you for having me on January 2, 2025.

[Alison Stewart]

I like the way you say that. I know.

[Philip Galanis]

It's a moment.

[Alison Stewart]

It's, it is. It truly is. I'm thinking to myself, you know what? This is the first 25 years that, that I can really remember. Really, you think about that.

You know, it's true.

[Philip Galanis]

I don't remember 19. You mean like 1950? 19, yeah. 75. You don't remember the year 2000? How old are you, Dawn?

[Alison Stewart]

We'll leave that alone. We'll talk about the social cues, Colin. We'll talk about your. Your job. You've had it for 16 years, but.

You were also an attorney.

You were also a novelist. How did those two jobs prepare for.

You, prepare you for what you do now?

[Philip Galanis]

It's, it's really interesting to me because, I mean, I didn't go to Deer Abbey University, so I didn't expect to that anyone would ever call me up to write an advice column. But I think the thing that I learned, the best thing that I learned about being a lawyer is that people really want to talk. They want to tell you their story. And even though they're coming to an alleged expert for some kind of advice, what they really want to do is get something off their chests. And I sort of discovered pretty quickly that the better I could listen to them and convince them that I'd really heard them, the better we could focus on what, whatever problem had brought them into the office. I will also say that being a lawyer is a slightly soul deadening job. So I woke up very early in the mornings and was working on a novel for many years. And it was a novel about. It was a novel about a young man who's. Whose, you know, emotional and physical distance from me is less than a centimeter long, whose father killed himself. And the young. Just when the young guy, just when I was getting to be an adult, just as I'm an adult, my dad kills himself. And I'm trying to figure out what that means. How am I implicated? How. What does any of this mean? So I started writing a novel about that. And the novel turned out, turned out the best way I could do that was with a little bit of snark. It had. The novel has definitely as heart, but it has a lot of snark. And a woman, a great editor at the style section at the Times, read the book and said this is really could be a fresh take on an advice column, a snarky advice columnist. So that's how we started 15 years ago. We started mean and I would say some time in the middle of the middle slash end of the Obama administration, I thought, wow, things are pretty damn mean without me piling meanness on too. So I pivoted a little bit toward the thing that I'd learned as a lawyer, being more of a listener and trying to say, you know, this question might strike 97 readers out of 100 as utterly absurd and selfish. But to this one man or woman who's writing in, it's really important. So I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take it as importantly as she does. And so that's how. That's a long winded answer to your question, but I think it answers it.

[Alison Stewart]

How. Have you seen the letters change over the 15 years?

[Philip Galanis]

The letters have gotten a lot. I mean the letters are, the letters are filled with grievance. More. It used to be that people had a complaint and they spent the first paragraph saying how much they loved their daughter in law. And then somewhere around the second or third paragraph they get to what a monster she is. But they started with how lovely she was. Now people get right into telling you how awful things are and how awful thing the world is and how awfully unfairly they've been treated or someone they care about has been treated, treated so unfairly. So I don't know if this, if we put this down to social media and the fact that everybody is now an authority on telling everybody else what the world is like from their perspective, but the letters have changed in a way that kind of, it surprises me how upset people are.

[Alison Stewart]

Do you find yourself wanting to help, help them not be upset and get to the problem?

[Philip Galanis]

That's what I, I mean, what I do, I think I'm doing that. But if you read the letters that come into me commenting on what I do, you know, half of the people are like, you are the most wonderful human being. We hope you live forever so you can have this job. And the other half are saying, we hope you contract stomach cancer next week and you're dead. Never have to listen to your insipid kindness again. We hate you. And so it's a very, I'd say it's a mixed bag whether people like this approach to, you know, sort of saying, yeah, I hear how you feel. We all have felt this way. We all feel bad about stuff even when it's sort of selfish to feel bad that about it or you know, even when it's not quite reasonable. So let's think of some strategies to make you feel less bad. And I think that's, you know, probably the best thing I can do. But you know, it's not, not universally acclaimed. I shall tell you that with my hand on the Bible.

[Alison Stewart]

Let's roll some calls. Emily in Nyack. Hi Emily, thanks for calling, all of it.

[Emily]

Hi, how are you doing?

[Alison Stewart]

Great.

[Emily]

Yeah, I just was going to call because Several years ago, I was going through a moment as a parent with a child that was having a really hard time and I truly was frightened for my son. And a good friend told me that I needed to stop because I was reacting from a place of fear and that when we are fearful, we don't make good choices. And he was absolutely right. I was, I was making the situation worse because I was so fearful of what could happen to my child. So I've always appreciated that and used it as a way to monitor my reactions, whether they're coming from a place of fear.

[Alison Stewart]

Emily, thank you for calling. Let's also talk to Dom in Manhattan. Hi, Dom.

[Philip Galanis]

Hi.

[Dom]

How are you doing?

[Alison Stewart]

Great.

[Philip Galanis]

Oh, great.

[Dom]

Probably the best piece of advice I ever saw was that every problem you ever have is like a cow stuck in a ditch on a ranch. And when you have that problem, you do three things. Three things only and in this order. First, get the cow out of the ditch.

[Alison Stewart]

What's the first thing? Getting a patty.

[Dom]

But first you get the cow out of the ditch. Then second, then second, you figure out how the cow got in the ditch. And then third, you make sure that that darn cow can never get in that darn ditch ever again.

[Alison Stewart]

Good advice, Dom. Thanks for calling. And Laura calling in from Glen Cove. Hi Laura, thanks for calling, all of it.

[Laura]

Hi there. Happy New Year. The best advice I ever got was I was young woman in a company and one of the board of directors of female said to me nothing is ever going to happen unless you're there. And I took that and wrote it on a post it note, stuck it on my computer and every time I was too tired to go to a networking event or just felt like I couldn't go to another meeting, I read that and it helped me so much to meet the people that made a difference in my career.

[Alison Stewart]

Thank you for that advice, Emily. Philip, anything you wanted to respond to from our listeners?

[Philip Galanis]

Well, you know, I think that your listeners, all of them had great advice to share with us. Also, we're doing something that I think people want an advice columnist to do, but they really don't. They don't really want to tell. They might say, how should I deal with my son? I'm so nervous about him. Or how do I get this cow out of the ditch? I'm so nervous about my cow. I'm frightened for my cow. But they don't really want you to tell them that. In my experience, we have to give people a chance to talk about what they're afraid of and what Their challenge is, and I mean, how the hell do you get a thousand pound cow out of the ditch to start with? So a lot of things, a lot of times when we think we're going to somebody to say, tell me what to do. They really don't want to be told what to do. They want to have someone say to them, why don't you tell me a little bit more about what's bothering you? And that's how I'd respond. That's. That's how I'd respond to them. Which doesn't take anything away from the excellent callers because I thought they all made great points.

[Alison Stewart]

Got this text. Radical acceptance. When I was at a very low point in my life, I had to resign myself to the fact that I did not have control over the situation and had to radically accept that there was nothing I could do about it. Best advice I got from my dad right after I graduated from college. The only things worth going into debt for are your education and your home. That's Anna from Brooklyn. And this one is interesting. Through studying Buddhism. Absolutely. Best advice, impermanence. Everything is temporary. Just breathe. It will change.

[Philip Galanis]

That's great.

[Alison Stewart]

When you're looking through my. By the My way. By my way. My guest is Philip Galanis. We're talking about the best advice you've ever received. 212-433-969-2212, wnyc. Your range of things that you address go from really low stakes, like banning kids from adult functions to really high stakes. There's a column about contacting a gay niece who was thrown out of the house. Sometimes they're outright bizarre, like the uber rich, the family that wanted to get the dog cloned. I don't know. They were arguing about the dog. When subjects come across your desk, do you sort of put them in piles, in silos of lighter, medium, heavy, or do you just take everything at face value?

[Philip Galanis]

I take them all. That's a great question. I take them all at face value. I take them all at how interested am I in this question? How interested. And then later, it's sort of like seating at a dinner party. It's like, well, that poor gay teenager who's been chucked out of her home. That doesn't. It can't exist in the same column as the man who's grieving the loss of his wife of 60 years. So there has to be a balance. But I'm able to go through them very quickly and probably too quickly because the sort of one factor for me is When I read it, do I go, huh, that's interesting? I don't know. What do you think? How do you think we should deal with banning children from a party or contacting the gay teenager who's been chucked out of her house? So it's more making the first cut is the most. It's the cut that's just sort of the most arbitrary. And then after that, it becomes like shuffling them. So there's a tonal sort of, there's sort of a tonal variety to things.

[Alison Stewart]

Because you have an editorial sense. You have to.

[Philip Galanis]

I have an editorial sense that people don't want to, like, feel like they want to jump out of a window after they read an advice column, but they also don't want to go, oh, these people are all pains in the neck. I don't like any of them. So I try to do. I try to find somewhere the people are very, where their problem is very relatable and appealing and some where the problem is a bit silly. And somewhere the problem really strikes it right at your heart.

[Alison Stewart]

We are having a conversation with our guest, Philip Galanis. He's the social cues columnist for the New York Times.

You are our guest as well. We're talking about the best advice that.

You have ever received. Our number is 2124-3396-9221-2433, WNYC. You can call in and join us on air or send us a text. We'll get more of your messages, your advice after the quick act break.

[BetterHelp Ad]

Quick break.

[Alison Stewart]

This is all of it. You are listening to all of it on wnyc. I'm Alison Stewart. My guest is Philip Galanez. He's the social cues columnist for the New York Times. We are talking about the best advice you've ever received. We'll get to more calls in just a moment. But I do want to ask you, do you ever follow up with people who've written letters to you?

[Philip Galanis]

You know, I do, and I especially do it. And I don't know if this is, if this would be what most people would do. But when, when young people write to me and I get a lot of questions from very young people on a surprising range of issues, I, I worry about them. And so that's some, some of them I don't publish even. I just respond to them. Those are the only letters that I will respond to that are not for publication. When a kid writes in and has a fundamental misunderstanding about, you know, pregnancy or something serious. And I'll follow. And I like to And I like to follow up sometimes when let and sometimes when letters just generate a ton of controversy. I follow up too, just because it used to be before the sort of social media fication of all media that people would write into my column, I would answer the column, it would exist in the paper or on the website, and that would be the end of it. But then someone in a special engagement team figured out we will really get our readers more engaged if we give them a chance to comment on the question and the advice and all that. And it often turns people with who've maybe been a little ham handed in the way they describe their problem, it turns them into real whipping boys and whipping girls. And it makes me feel so terrible for them that I like to follow up and tell them, you know, this happens a lot. It is not a reflection on you at all, and you're terrific and let me know if you got your problem solved. I can remember that happened once with a woman who was a mother of a teenage girl and the teenage girl wanted privacy. Like any teenage, any teenager starts to want privacy. That's the beginning of being a teenager. Right. And the, the girl sort of unknowingly apparently went to like a thrift shop and bought a gun safe. And the mother, because of some issues, gun violence issues in her life, just didn't want anything related to guns in her life, in her house. And people tore her to shreds. And it was so unnecessary. It was, yeah, I understand. Respecting the daughter's autonomy and her privacy. That's a really important thing. A lot. So many of us are affected by gun violence in this world that also not wanting to have something that's like got a sort of foamy cutout in the shape of a revolver in your daughter's room. I can understand why a mom or a dad might not want that too. So I could understand it. So those are the people that I go back to, kids, general on the one hand, and then people who have been really decimated.

[Alison Stewart]

We got a text here that says, my mom always says, drink your best wine first. Literally that way you're always drinking your best wine. But more broadly, it means that you should enjoy the things you have now rather than save them for later. She uses her grandmother's china for casual weeknight dinners. The best advice I ever got was to ask forgiveness, not permission. It was life changing and making me more confident in my job. Let's take some more calls. Vivian calling from New Milford. Hi, Vivian.

[BetterHelp Ad]

Hi.

[Laura]

And happy New Year. I'm calling because when I was a new parent. A dear friend visited us and he used a phrase that has always stuck with me, which was instead of I have to, like, I have to get up in the middle of night to feed my baby. I get to get up in the middle of night and feed my baby. And that small turn of phrase I use for so many things in my life. And it's a wonderful mindset.

[Alison Stewart]

Thank you for calling in. Let's talk to Yvonne from Westchester. Hi, Yvonne.

[Yvonne]

Hi there. Happy New Year.

[Alison Stewart]

Same to you.

[Yvonne]

So one of the things I learned from a mentor, Daisaku Ikeda, who is a Buddhist teacher, he said life is a visual manifestation of the invisible workings of the mind. So whatever you think you can create with your thoughts, you create your world with that is, you know, our thoughts of, you know, do, you know, do what you love, do what you love, work doing what you love. When you do that, you create an energy. And the energy that you're creating, which is coming from a place of love and happiness that's within you. You know, there's kind of, there's this invisible frequency. And in that invisible frequency, it, it transmits, you know, just like, just like the Internet, just like the radio, you know, just. It transmits. And when you transmit that energy which is coming from that place of love and happiness and enjoying the things you do, you invite incredible things into your life, into your world.

[Alison Stewart]

We're going to ask, we're going to stop there. Thank you so much, Yvonne. We really appreciate what you're saying. Let's also talk to Ed. Hi, Ed.

[Philip Galanis]

Hi.

[Alison Stewart]

How are you doing? Great.

[Dom]

Yeah. So my advice was a friend at work told me, he goes, never refuse to have a catch with your son. And it was such wonderful advice because, number one, having a catch with your son is great one on one time. And the second thing is my son knew he was important enough that he could interrupt me with anything that I was doing to have that one on one time with him.

[Alison Stewart]

Thanks for calling. And Toby from Manhattan. Hi, Toby.

[Toby]

Hi. Happy New Year. The advice, I can say it kind of confused me came from my grandmother, who I respected a lot. I had a wonderful relationship with her. She would tell me, life, your life, it's not practice. And why it confused me was because I thought, well, maybe on the one hand that means I should lead a more conservative life. Or maybe what she means is I should take more gambles and throw more caution to the wind. So I thought a lot about it ever since and it's not been clear to me, but it's definitely made me think.

[Alison Stewart]

Toby, thanks for calling in, Philip. When you hear people tell stories about this, my grandmother said, someone said to me, they tell you about one very specific thing, but then it reaches out to encapsulate so much else.

[Philip Galanis]

Right? And I think that that's. I think that's a wonderful thing. But I also think it's based in the fact that Toby's grandmother spent probably she. She knew him for 15 or 20 years before she told him that story. And she might have told her his older brother, who was a different kind of person. She might have given him different advice. So these are all things that so. So advice is so specific. It's so much about what a person might need to hear or want to hear or be able to hear. But. And so the best situations are when you're really intimate with a person and they can suggest things that they've seen. They can suggest ways that you can think about your life based on what they've observed. I can't tell people life's not practice because I don't know if they're. I don't know how they take that advice. I don't know them well enough. They're strangers to me. So I have to be more cautious than these. The wonderful advice that I'm hearing from people's family and friends, like, if my father, when I was a kid, had taken every call of mine at his office, the poor man would never have been able to come home. I called him every second that I wanted or did some childish thing, and it would have been insane. But it really worked for the guy who was told that by a co worker, and it's fantastic.

[Alison Stewart]

This is a texter that says it's okay to cry. Crying is like taking the garbage out. Even for men. There are three things to remember. Be kind, be kind. Be kind. Where do you go for good advice when you need advice, Philip?

[Philip Galanis]

Well, I've got to say that I was a real mom person, and my mom was kind of wonderful and kind of a monster in that she could turn almost anything. You could be lying bloody in the middle of the road, and she could turn it into something about her really, really quickly. And so she was fantastic at. She was fantastic at giving you something very pithy to answer your specific need. But then we could sort of turn back to the real subject of the relationship, which was what she might want or need or something. And that might sound bitchy, and I don't mean it that way because I really, really love her. And. But that was that. That's who I used to go to. Now I do. I would say I get a lot of my best advice by going on very long walks by myself.

[Alison Stewart]

What do you think is the best advice that you've ever given?

[Philip Galanis]

You know, I think the best advice, the best advice I've ever given, I think, was to a parent who was, who had very good reason not to forgive her child for something that he had done and to forgive him anyway. Just to forgive, just to keep forgiving as long as it took for him to understand that he didn't have to act like a monster in order for her to love him or that she wasn't gonna turn away from him. And she was a person that I followed up with. She was from very early in my tenure. And I still get letters from her every once in a while. Being kind, though, like your earlier caller said, being loving, forgiving. You're never gonna regret any of that. You're just not. It's and I think it's probably the best way for all of us to go whenever it's humanly possible.

[Alison Stewart]

Philip Galanis is the social cues columnist for the New York Times. Thank you for your time.

[Philip Galanis]

My pleasure. Thank you.

[Alison Stewart]

And thanks to everyone who called in.

[Ira Flatow]

I'm Ira Flato, host of Science Friday. For over 30 years, our team has been reporting high quality news about science, technology and medicine, news you won't get anywhere else. And now that political news is 24 7, our audience is turning to us to know about the really important stuff in their lives. Cancer, climate change, genetic engineering, childhood diseases. Our sponsors know the value of science and health news. For more sponsorship information, visit sponsorship wnyc. Org.