
In writer Ada Calhoun's debut novel, a happily-married woman finds herself with a new crush after her husband suggests they open their marriage.
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Unknown Host
This is all of It.
Alison Stewart
I'm Alison Stewart live from the WNYC Studios in soho. Thank you for spending part of your day with us. I'm grateful you're here all day long. Today we'll be talking about one of our favorite things books. We're spending two hours with people who've written their very first novel. Novels. Here's who's coming up. Aaron Crosby Eckstain, author of Juni, Alejandro Heredia, author of Loca and Maggie sue, author of A Love Story. We're very excited not only to talk about these books, but also to get to their backstories. Now that's the plan. So let's get this started with Ada Calhoun and Crush. In the debut novel from writer Ada Calhoun, a woman begins an affair via email. Well, is it really an affair if your husband knows about it? Our unnamed protagonist is surprised when her husband Paul, suggests it would be okay if she started flirting with other men. He might even like it if she kissed them. And even though she thinks she's happy in her marriage, our protagonist agrees. But what starts as innocent flirting takes a turn when she strikes up a pen pal relationship with an old acquaintance named Dean. Soon they are exchanging intimate emails. Every day David confesses his love, and even though she wants to stay married, our protagonist can't seem to stay away. Although many of the details of the book are drawn from Ada's life, it is a work of fiction. It's titled Crush A Novel. The book is out now, and Ada Calhoun joins me to discuss it as part of our debut day celebration. Welcome, Ada.
Ada Calhoun
Great to be here, Allison. Thanks for having me.
Alison Stewart
So what's so intoxicating about a crush?
Ada Calhoun
Gosh, crushes make everything more exciting and alive. I think they tell us also what what we might be missing in our life.
Alison Stewart
How would you describe how would our narrator describe her marriage? When we first meet her, I think.
Ada Calhoun
She'S happy and she feels content. She's a Gen X woman who has done a lot of caregiving, really was raised thinking I can do it all and have it all, and she has gotten it all. And she is rather tired, but she's kind of getting through middle age relatively happily.
Alison Stewart
She thinks, well, that Reminds me of that. What was that perfume? Anjoli.
Ada Calhoun
Exactly. For kids. Yes. I think it was like brainwashing campaign. You can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan.
Alison Stewart
There you go.
Ada Calhoun
There you go. Well, speaking of. Yeah, right.
Alison Stewart
Speaking of. Part of the tension is that she's the breadwinner.
Ada Calhoun
Right.
Alison Stewart
Tell us what that does to their marriage.
Ada Calhoun
Yeah. So it's interesting. I wrote nonfiction book. I've always done nonfiction until this. This one. I wrote one called why We Can't Sleep about Gen X women having these midlife crises. And it was interesting to me when I. When I talked to them. A lot of women now are breadwinners in a way that their mothers and grandmothers weren't. And it often creates a little bit of tension. There's one study saying that women who make more money actually do more at home to kind of compensate for the ways in which maybe this is a little bit hard on their partner.
Unknown Host
That's so interesting. Well, just. Just to. To prove they can be moms and be breadwinners.
Ada Calhoun
Yeah, I think so. I do feel like, you know, that brainwashing, again, like, of. Do it all. Do it all perfectly. It's gotten a lot of women into a place of real exhaustion and frustration.
Unknown Host
Why does the narrator's husband, Paul, suggest an open marriage?
Ada Calhoun
You know, I think it's flirtatious. I think it starts off very innocently and fun. And I think that it seems like, you know, what a. What a sort of spicy, exciting thing to do in middle age to get a little bit more excitement back into life. And then, of course, it immediately goes awry, as one might suspect.
Unknown Host
Has he really thought through the consequences or is this just something that he tossed off?
Ada Calhoun
I think it becomes pretty clear pretty fast that he has one thing in mind and that is not what he gets.
Unknown Host
What's the one thing?
Ada Calhoun
Well, he thinks it will be sexy. Sexual. Sexy and fun. And of course, you know, love is very unruly, and it tends to capture one in ways one does not expect. So the wife in the book, she's not having this sort of sexy, fun, flirtatious thing so much as this really all consuming, life transforming experience of connection.
Unknown Host
There's a lot of discussion of polyamory lately.
Ada Calhoun
Yeah.
Unknown Host
When you were researching the book, what did you find about polyamory that surprised you?
Ada Calhoun
One thing, I think, is that the pandemic really like, leveled everything in this way. And a lot of couples, I think, are trying to build back better and try to experiment with different ways to.
Unknown Host
Be together because they Were together so often.
Ada Calhoun
Well, that's definitely part of it. But then also everything changed so radically. And I think a lot of women I know are asking questions like, well, wait, if we don't have to go to the office necessarily anymore, and this can change and that can change. Is there something else that's available to us that can also make life better, more fulfilling? So I think that might be part of why those conversations are happening now.
Unknown Host
So you're a narrator, but she really believes in monogamy before this conversation starts, yeah.
Ada Calhoun
But then she starts having these feelings, and then I think the question becomes, is there some way? Because she is like a typical Gen X good girl. Is there a way to be good and also a little bit bad?
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Right.
Ada Calhoun
Is there a way to kind of do everything right and not lie and not cheat, but also to have this really exciting life giving time in this moment where everything is rather hard otherwise?
Alison Stewart
My guest is author Ada Calhoun. We're speaking about her debut novel, Crush, which is about a married woman who decides to get a massive crush she has on her pen pal. It's part of our day long celebration of debut novels. Okay, we're gonna ask you to read a little bit from the book. This is especially about the COVID because we were just talking about that. Will you set this up and then read it for us?
Ada Calhoun
Yeah, sure. So basically, she has this crush, and she's ransacking the history of war literature with this crush, trying to find ways to keep both her husband and this new friend. And she doesn't really know what to do, but she's pretty overwhelmed by the intensity of it.
Alison Stewart
All right, let's take a listen.
Ada Calhoun
Okay. Covid had changed everything. If the world as we knew it was over, how did we want to construct the new world? Could I really have, without apology a husband and also an openness to kissing other people? Plus one unprecedented connection to a religious studies professor in another state. If anyone judged me for it, could I just not care? When Nate was in middle school and getting wrapped up in his friend's drama every morning at drop off, I said as he went up the stairs, I love you. Have fun. Care less. Maybe that was good advice. My family life was enhanced, not diminished, by whatever was happening. I made Nate food and took long walks with him, helped him with his college applications without losing patience. I tended to my parents when they needed me and was able to enjoy their company without feeling overly involved. I knew from the time in London that if I wasn't around, the world didn't stop spinning I had poker nights and a picnic club and attended readings. I had coffees and dinner and drinks with girlfriends who told me about their marriages and their projects and their children. I. Letters from Tom Hanks continued to arrive. Paul and Nate continued to tease me about them. And David had become the best friendship I'd had in as long as I could remember. Somehow he'd become essential. I felt that I needed other languages to even get close to explaining it. I read a book about the Gaelic concept of anam kara, or soul friend. The person with whom you could share your deepest self and feel that you completely belonged. We didn't know quite what to do with each other except marvel. Our connection had begun to feel like a religious calling. In our correspondence, I felt like I'd embarked on a pilgrimage, only with no clue where it led. In his presence, I began to feel more and more like myself. But for the first time, I also felt like I'd been hugging the world hard my whole life. And now the world's arms were wrapping around me and squeezing back what David and I had felt. Sacred. The word that kept coming to mind was important.
Unknown Host
That's Ada Calhoun reading from her debut novel, Crush.
Alison Stewart
Now, many of the protagonists life details.
Unknown Host
Mirror some of your own, down to her relationship with her father.
Alison Stewart
As a ghostwriter, as a journalist. Why did you decide to use this.
Unknown Host
Information that you have in a novel rather than go ahead and write a memoir?
Ada Calhoun
Well, you know, I had like several very rough years. I was doing a lot of caregiving, had a divorce, my father died. There were all these things. And I did think about doing a nonfiction book. I'd done why We Can't Sleep. I'd done a memoir about my father, also a poet. And. And I thought, maybe this is gonna be the next sequel to those things. And then I thought, or I could just make a romance novel out of it, which would actually be much more fun and, you know, and I could make it make up as much as I wanted to. I could use the things that I had, but then also create an arc. I could create characters, I could create scenes. And it felt so liberating to me as a journalist.
Unknown Host
I was gonna ask you, in writing the fictional part, did that help you with any of the issues you already had?
Ada Calhoun
Oh, it was so freeing. And it was, you know, when I was doing my memoir about my father, I was writing it while I was living it. So I was doing this caregiving. And I would say I knew he was dying. And I would say, you know, okay, maybe there's a Nice conversation we could have, thinking this would be good for the book if you would just say something really nice to me right now. And he wouldn't cooperate. He just insisted on being himself, which, you know, that's what it is. Character is fate.
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But.
Ada Calhoun
But in a novel, I was able to make everybody do whatever I wanted them to do and make the arcs and the timelines however I wanted. And it felt great.
Unknown Host
How do you feel about the term autofiction?
Ada Calhoun
I think it makes sense. I mean, especially because I have friends who are novelists who do so much work world building. And I think it can feel like a shortcut to use a lot of your own life too. But I think most novelists use what they have in different ways and different percentages. So, yeah, I think it's still a novel, even if it's connected in some ways to one's life.
Unknown Host
We're talking to Ada Calhoun. The name of her novel is Crush. We learn a bit about the protagonist's parents who've been married for decades. Her mother gave up her career to stay at home. Her father is kind of chilly and distant. How do you think her parents marriage affected the protagonist's feelings about marriage?
Ada Calhoun
Yeah, so her mother has told her many times over the years, you know, the way you stay married is you don't get divorced. And this was held up as a real value. And so she's internalized this and thinks, okay, well, divorce is a terrible thing. And it is completely inconsistent with being this dutiful, you know, daughter, wife, mother, person. And then this Crush really explodes that idea. She thinks, well, is it noble to turn your back on something as powerful as this kind of love?
Alison Stewart
In reading the book, it's kind of interesting. There's lots of references and quotes from C.S. lewis to Lucinda Williams. First of all, why did you want to include that many quotes, that many references?
Ada Calhoun
Because that is my go to strategy for all problems. Yes, I do share that with my narrator. If you have a library card, you can solve any problems. That is how I've operated. And I thought this was part of what the character was missing. She felt like this connection was giving her this real intellectual fever. And they were just exchanging all these ideas and thoughts and page after page after page of all these books together. And it was very, you know, very sexy for book nerds.
Alison Stewart
Speaking of book nerds, let's talk about David. How would you describe David?
Ada Calhoun
So he is a religious studies professor. This is somebody that the narrator knew back at a different point in her life. And she always thought he Was, you know, sort of hot and interesting. And then she reconnects with him and it immediately catches fire. You know, he is sort of seemingly just waiting around for her to show up and read a lot of books with him, which for me is a, you know, a very sexy ideal. A guy's just like, yes, I can't wait to just devour all these books with you.
Alison Stewart
How does being desired by another person, by this book nerd David, what impact does that have on her husband, Paul?
Ada Calhoun
Well, you know, he initially thinks, okay, this is exciting. You know, you're so alive, you're so fun, and you feel so much more yourself. But then it becomes threatening increasingly, as these things do in a love triangle.
Alison Stewart
How does it make her feel that's more important?
Ada Calhoun
Well, I think it's, you know, it throws her into a crisis of trying to stay married and also trying not to turn her back on this thing that feels important.
Alison Stewart
Why does she decide it's a crisis? Why can't she. Why doesn't she decide? I just.
Unknown Host
I happen.
Alison Stewart
I think I love this other person.
Ada Calhoun
Yeah, no, I think she. I think she tries that, too. I think it's, you know, the book is really not a. There's not a ton of solutions for how you fix. But I think it does raise a lot of questions about what some connections can make room for in terms of other connections and what they can't.
Unknown Host
It's interesting because David and the protagonist, they seem sort of determined to make a study out of what they do. They decide to possibly even write a book.
Alison Stewart
Why are they so determined to make.
Unknown Host
A study out of their relationship?
Ada Calhoun
Well, you know, I think that is. The go to for a book nerd is like, wait, can we turn this into a project? And will that somehow be safer than an affair?
Unknown Host
Say more about that.
Ada Calhoun
You know, if regular people have, you know, have affairs, then I think they think maybe they can outsmart it. They can. Instead of just running off together and abandoning this marriage, which is really not a bad marriage, can they somehow, if they read enough books, can they solve this crisis of what do we do with each other without destroying everything else? And then they work very, very hard and read a lot of trying to figure out that question.
Unknown Host
It's interesting, though, you said crisis that they have decided it's a crisis.
Ada Calhoun
Yeah, I think it becomes one in the course of the book because the marriage starts to fray as a result. And so it does become this question of can you hold onto these two things or are they mutually incompatible?
Unknown Host
My guest is Ada Calhoun. We're speaking about her debut novel, Crush. We'll have more after a quick break.
Alison Stewart
This is all of It.
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On this week's on the Media, the familiar route conspiracy theories take across right wing media.
Ada Calhoun
Musk retweets it, Rogan podcasts it, Fox broadcasts it, and by the time it reaches everybody, millions have seen it.
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The scale is almost too great for.
Ada Calhoun
Mainstream media to process.
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Plus, Silicon Valley's conservative roots go way back. Listen to on the Media from wnyc. Find on the Media. Wherever you get your podcasts.
Alison Stewart
You are listening to all of it on wnb. Welcome back to nyc. I'm Alison Stewart. My guest is Ada Calhoun. We're speaking about her debut novel Crush, which is about a woman, a married woman, who develops a massive crush on a pen pal. It's part of our day long celebration of debut novels. We should point out these two, they don't meet. Yes.
Ada Calhoun
Not for a long time.
Alison Stewart
Okay. Why don't, why does it take so long?
Ada Calhoun
Well, because I think they are trying to sublimate these feelings they have, which of course often doesn't make the feelings go away or lessen them. And in fact, in this case it builds and builds and builds.
Alison Stewart
It's so interesting because they just email. They don't text necessarily, they don't call. Why do they continue to go on with the email?
Ada Calhoun
Well, I think it becomes this epistolary relationship. It becomes this very literary friendship where they are trying to impress each other and charm each other and court each other in this way, both romantically and intellectually.
Alison Stewart
Does the husband read the email?
Ada Calhoun
No. He's aware she's very open about what she's doing and he goes back and forth about how he feels about it, whether or not it's okay. The boundaries kind of keep shifting.
Alison Stewart
You know, I'm interested in their son.
Unknown Host
Where does their son factor into all of this?
Ada Calhoun
Well, you know, I think he's about to leave home and I think that's something that for a lot of women in midlife, you know, you do all this caregiving for parents and children and then they're on their own or they're gone. And suddenly you like look around and you're like, wait a minute, who am I. Again, if I'm not caring for everybody else. So she is at that moment in her life.
Alison Stewart
I'm trying to find a place in the book, and I can't find it.
Unknown Host
Right now, but I'll try to remember what it is. Where they're making all these lists that mom has all these boyfriends, and the boy, he says. The son says it, and you write it. He says it with a certain tone in his voice, like he's not so sure about this.
Alison Stewart
Could you explain that a little bit?
Ada Calhoun
Yeah. There's a moment where they pull into a mechanic's, and the husband says, you know, which one's your boyfriend? Is it this one who's gonna fix the car? That one who's gonna fix the car? I'm like, no, no, no. It's this person. And then the child is like, wait a minute. I thought this person was. So. Yeah, she's got a lot of flirtations going, and the husband and the son like to tease her about it.
Unknown Host
How does she feel about that?
Ada Calhoun
She's, you know, like a little. A little embarrassed, but maybe also a little proud.
Unknown Host
At what point, without giving too much away, does she actually start to. To feel like this correspondence. This correspondence which her husband agreed to, really might be a betrayal of her husband?
Ada Calhoun
Well, I think there's some point at which it shifts, and I think, you know, she starts to give herself permission to really indulge it more than he is comfortable with. And I think it's this. This moment of asserting her own desires and her own passion over the good of the family, over the comfort of the people around her.
Unknown Host
What did you want to capture about love? We started talking about crush, but what about love?
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Yeah.
Ada Calhoun
So, you know, when I was interviewing all these women for my midlife crisis book, I felt like so many of them were doing all these things for other people, and they really weren't asking themselves a lot of questions about, like, wait, what do I actually want? Who am I? What do I care about? And they weren't making a ton of room for love, for, like, love of themselves, for love of these other people who came into their life. So I think the book really is about maybe just asking questions about what else could be possible for us, especially in midlife.
Unknown Host
Let's ask you a couple of questions about practical questions. When did you write this?
Ada Calhoun
Over the last. Starting about, like, 2022. I was coming out of, like, a lot of. A lot of caregiving and kind of a rough time.
Unknown Host
And you decided to write a novel because.
Ada Calhoun
Because it's so much more fun. I mean, I thought, like, I thought about doing why We Can't Sleep, the sequel with, like, you know, now more of a bummer. And I thought, you know, what about just something that's sort of frothy and exciting and exhilarating? And this is what I came up with.
Unknown Host
And what's your. How do you write? Do you sit down and allot a certain amount of hours a day? Do you write when you feel like it? Do you write on napkins?
Ada Calhoun
I keep journals. So I keep. Like, anytime I wake up in the middle of the night and have an idea, I write it on the subway. And I also. I do a lot of writing at the New York Public Library. I've been going there for. I've written a lot of my last five books there. They have these amazing study rooms at the main branch of the library at Bryant park, and I'm lucky enough to have one of those.
Alison Stewart
So when you're writing a novel, this is your first novel. What was different about writing it versus your other books?
Ada Calhoun
It was just, like, so freeing. And I feel like I have novelist friends who. I'm telling them this. I'm like, can you believe it? Like, you can make stuff up. And it feels like, you know, like, do you know about this show, the Sopranos? Like, everybody's like, yes, we know you can make stuff up. It's exciting. So, yeah, no, I just. I kind of couldn't get over it. And I was able to just start from a jumping off point of something that had happened, a scene that happened to me, a conversation, and then I could do whatever I wanted with it. And it was just. It felt great and really exciting.
Alison Stewart
What advice would you give to someone who is listening to this show who has a novel in them?
Ada Calhoun
I think a lot of people do, right?
Alison Stewart
And they do.
Ada Calhoun
Yeah. And I mean, I always think, like, if you're writing, you're a writer, and I think, you know, friends or people come up to me and say, like, oh, you know, I'm a wannabe writer. Or, like, I wish I could be a writer. And, like, as long as you're doing it, I think you're in the game. And just whether you're published or not isn't determinant of what you're doing. Right. Writing is the thing. So just, yeah, write the book.
Alison Stewart
The name of the book is Crush, a novel by Ada Calhoun. Thanks for being with us.
Ada Calhoun
Thanks, Alison. Great to be here.
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All Of It Podcast - Detailed Summary of Episode: Ada Calhoun's Debut Novel 'Crush'
Release Date: February 27, 2025
Host: Alison Stewart
Podcast: All Of It by WNYC
In this episode of All Of It, hosted by Alison Stewart, the spotlight shines on Ada Calhoun and her debut novel, Crush. The episode is part of a day-long celebration dedicated to debut novels, featuring discussions with new authors about their first ventures into novel writing. All Of It aims to delve deep into cultural narratives by engaging with thinkers, creators, and storytellers, fostering a community that appreciates diverse perspectives.
Crush narrates the story of an unnamed protagonist—a Gen X woman navigating the complexities of midlife—who enters into an unexpected and emotionally charged relationship with her pen pal, David. The protagonist is seemingly content in her marriage to Paul, who intriguingly suggests an open marriage, giving her the green light to flirt with other men, even to the point of physical intimacy. Initially perceiving this arrangement as a refreshing addition to her stable life, the protagonist soon finds herself entangled in a deeper, more consuming connection with David than she ever anticipated.
Ada Calhoun describes the novel as a "work of fiction" that draws inspiration from her own experiences, blending personal insights with imaginative storytelling to explore themes of love, fidelity, and self-discovery.
At [02:20], Ada Calhoun reflects on the intoxicating nature of crushes:
"Crushes make everything more exciting and alive. I think they tell us also what we might be missing in our life."
This sentiment encapsulates the protagonist's journey, where a seemingly innocent flirtation evolves into a profound emotional entanglement, challenging her perceptions of happiness and fulfillment within her marriage.
The episode delves into the protagonist's decision to embrace an open marriage. At [04:05], Ada explains:
"I think it's flirtatious. It starts off very innocently and fun... but then, of course, it immediately goes awry."
The discussion touches on contemporary conversations around polyamory, especially in the post-pandemic context. Ada notes that the pandemic has "leveled everything" ([05:08]), prompting many couples to reassess their relationships and explore new dynamics to enrich their lives.
Ada brings attention to the evolving role of women in families. At [03:11], she states:
"Women who make more money actually do more at home to kind of compensate for the ways in which maybe this is a little bit hard on their partner."
This dynamic creates tension within the protagonist's marriage, reflecting broader societal shifts where women balance professional success with traditional caregiving roles, often leading to personal exhaustion and frustration.
Crush portrays the protagonist's midlife crisis, highlighting her struggle to find personal identity beyond her roles as wife and mother. Ada emphasizes the theme of self-discovery:
"What else could be possible for us, especially in midlife." ([19:56])
The novel explores how the protagonist seeks to rediscover herself amidst changing familial dynamics, particularly as her son Nate prepares to leave home ([17:54]).
Ada Calhoun shares her journey from writing nonfiction to her first novel. At [09:58], she explains:
"I thought, maybe this is gonna be the next sequel to those things. And then I thought, or I could just make a romance novel out of it, which would actually be much more fun."
This transition allowed her greater creative freedom, enabling her to "make up as much as I wanted to" and craft engaging narratives detached from the constraints of factual recounting.
Discussing the concept of autofiction at [10:25], Ada states:
"I think it makes sense... I think most novelists use what they have in different ways and different percentages."
She acknowledges that while her novel draws from personal experiences, it remains a distinct fictional work, emphasizing the balance between reality and imagination in storytelling.
Ada details her writing habits and environments, highlighting the importance of structure and spontaneity. She maintains journals for capturing ideas on the go and utilizes the New York Public Library's study rooms as a primary workspace ([21:07]). This disciplined approach provides her with the necessary space and resources to develop her novel.
The protagonist's relationship with her husband, Paul, is central to the narrative. Initially presented as stable and content ([02:28]), Paul's suggestion of an open marriage serves as the catalyst for the ensuing emotional turmoil. Ada describes their dynamic, noting that Paul's proposal is intended to inject "spice and excitement" into their marriage, though it inadvertently leads to deeper complications ([04:05]-[04:36]).
David, the protagonist's pen pal, is portrayed as an intellectual and emotional counterpart. At [12:34], Ada describes him as:
"He is sort of a very sexy ideal. A guy who's like, yes, I can't wait to just devour all these books with you."
Their relationship transcends mere flirtation, evolving into a "religious calling" ([06:52]) that challenges the protagonist's notions of love and fidelity. The intellectual bond they share accentuates the novel's exploration of emotional versus physical connections.
Nate, the protagonist's son, is nearing adulthood, prompting reflections on her identity post-parenting ([17:54]). Ada explains that as Nate prepares to leave home, the protagonist confronts a void, questioning her purpose beyond caregiving roles, which intensifies her emotional journey ([18:18]).
Ada reads a poignant excerpt from Crush at [06:36], illustrating the protagonist's internal conflict and the transformative nature of her relationship with David. The passage underscores themes of identity, connection, and the quest for personal fulfillment amidst familial obligations.
As the conversation draws to a close, Ada offers encouragement to aspiring writers. At [22:10], she advises:
"If you're writing, you're a writer... writing is the thing. So just, yeah, write the book."
Emphasizing the intrinsic value of the creative process, Ada reassures listeners that the act of writing itself constitutes being part of the literary journey, regardless of publication status.
[02:20] Ada Calhoun: "Crushes make everything more exciting and alive. I think they tell us also what we might be missing in our life."
[03:09] Ada Calhoun: "She has gotten it all. And she is rather tired, but she's kind of getting through middle age relatively happily."
[05:08] Ada Calhoun: "The pandemic really like, leveled everything in this way. And a lot of couples, I think, are trying to build back better..."
[10:25] Ada Calhoun: "I think it makes sense... I think most novelists use what they have in different ways and different percentages."
[19:56] Ada Calhoun: "I think the book really is about maybe just asking questions about what else could be possible for us, especially in midlife."
This episode of All Of It offers an insightful exploration into Ada Calhoun's Crush, delving into the nuanced portrayal of midlife relationships, personal identity, and the challenges of balancing love with self-fulfillment. Through Ada's candid discussion, listeners gain a deeper understanding of the creative process behind debut novels and the intricate themes that resonate within contemporary cultural narratives.