Remembering Eddie Van Halen

Summary

All There Is with Anderson Cooper: Remembering Eddie Van Halen

Podcast Information:

• Title: All There Is with Anderson Cooper
• Host: CNN's Anderson Cooper
• Episode: Remembering Eddie Van Halen
• Release Date: December 4, 2024
• Description: In Season 3, Anderson Cooper delves deeply into the multifaceted experience of grief, engaging in heartfelt conversations with those who have endured profound losses. This episode honors the legendary guitarist Eddie Van Halen, exploring his life, legacy, and the enduring bond with his brother Alex Van Halen.

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Introduction

At the outset of the episode, Anderson Cooper sets a personal and reflective tone, sharing memories from a recent vacation with his young children, Wyatt and Sebastian. This introspection leads him to ponder the nature of grief and the distractions often employed to avoid its depths.

Notable Quote:

"I've realized lately how much I've used work to avoid all those emotions, to avoid grief while I was away."
— Anderson Cooper [00:54]

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Exploring Grief: Avoidance and Companionship

Cooper references a poignant conversation with Frances Weller from a previous podcast episode, highlighting the societal tendency to evade grief. Weller introduces the concept of developing a "companionship with grief," suggesting that embracing sorrow allows one's deepest self to emerge fully.

Notable Quote:

"We don't have much knowledge in grief... We are so passive around grief so that when it comes, we are basically caught off guard."
— Frances Weller [01:48]

Cooper reflects on his own reliance on work to sidestep emotions, questioning the ultimate value of professional achievements compared to personal connections and presence in times of loss.

Notable Quote:

"But in the end, does any of that matter? I think about the last week of my mom's life... Are you scared?"
— Anderson Cooper [03:20]

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Introducing Alex Van Halen and His Grief Journey

The conversation shifts to Cooper's guest, Alex Van Halen, elder brother of the legendary guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Alex, now 71, has authored a book titled Brothers, detailing his life with Eddie and his journey through grief following Eddie's passing in 2020 after a prolonged battle with cancer.

Notable Quote:

"He was the elder in the family, so I had a certain role to play."
— Eddie Van Halen [05:10]

Eddie expresses his ongoing experience with grief, emphasizing the constant presence of sorrow and the challenges of managing overwhelming emotions.

Notable Quote:

"I'm grieving all the time... It's just at times, can be overwhelming."
— Eddie Van Halen [05:24]

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Eddie Van Halen's Battle with Cancer

Eddie delves into the specifics of his illness, describing the physical and emotional toll of cancer that metastasized to his brain. He recounts the gamma knife operation, the resultant brain swelling, and the emotional struggles of witnessing his brother's declining health.

Notable Quote:

"He fought until the very end. That's what I want to think of as life in terms of that he never gave up."
— Eddie Van Halen [09:03]

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Confronting Anger and Acceptance

Alex candidly shares his feelings of anger and jealousy towards Eddie's untimely death, grappling with the "what ifs" surrounding his brother's prolonged life had Eddie moderated his lifestyle. Despite these complex emotions, Alex finds solace in accepting the natural order of existence and maintaining a spiritual connection with his brother.

Notable Quote:

"I have no control over that maybe it's not my place to tell him to be here longer."
— Eddie Van Halen [10:31]

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Communicating Beyond the Physical

The brothers discuss their belief in an ongoing connection beyond death, touching upon cultural perspectives and personal experiences of sensing Eddie's presence. Eddie shares anecdotes of sensing his brother's fragrance and hearing his music as manifestations of their enduring bond.

Notable Quote:

"There are other dimensions of existence... He communicates in different ways with me."
— Eddie Van Halen [23:16]

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Musical Legacy and Creative Partnership

Alex and Eddie reflect on their musical journey, emphasizing the unique communication they shared through music. They reminisce about the early days of Van Halen, highlighting Eddie's virtuosity and the inseparable creative force between the brothers that propelled the band to legendary status.

Notable Quote:

"Music was the way he spoke to the world. I think his soul is in the music."
— Eddie Van Halen [07:23]

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Impact of Family and Personal Struggles

The discussion touches upon the influence of their parents, particularly the complex relationship with their mother, who had high expectations that often went unmet. Eddie candidly addresses his lifelong battle with alcohol, the familial legacy of substance abuse, and his path to sobriety motivated by his father's death.

Notable Quote:

"I thought I owed it to him."
— Eddie Van Halen [19:20]

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Final Reflections and Legacy

As the episode nears its conclusion, Alex and Eddie contemplate the transient nature of life and the enduring impact of their brother's legacy. They underscore the importance of love, memory, and the continuous presence of loved ones who have passed away.

Notable Quote:

"Energy can be neither created nor destroyed... I'll never say goodbye."
— Alex Van Halen [21:18]

Eddie shares his experiences of sensing his brother and father, reinforcing his belief in an ongoing spiritual connection that provides comfort amidst grief.

Notable Quote:

"He was around here somewhere. I think he thought he was done here and that's why he left."
— Eddie Van Halen [21:45]

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Conclusion

Anderson Cooper wraps up the heartfelt conversation, acknowledging the profound bond between the Van Halen brothers and the enduring spirit of Eddie Van Halen. He invites listeners to engage with the online grief community at CNN.com/AllThereIsOnline, encouraging shared experiences and support.

Notable Quote:

"I hope they make you feel a little less alone."
— Anderson Cooper [26:15]

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Key Takeaways

• Grief as a Constant Companion: Both Cooper and Eddie emphasize that grief is not a finite emotion but an ongoing journey that evolves over time.

• Music as a Medium for Connection: The Van Halen brothers' deep musical collaboration symbolizes their unbreakable bond, serving as a conduit for expressing and processing grief.

• Acceptance and Spirituality: Embracing grief and believing in an enduring spiritual connection can provide solace and a sense of continued presence of loved ones.

• Family Dynamics and Personal Struggles: Navigating familial relationships and personal battles, such as addiction, plays a significant role in the grieving process and personal growth.

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Final Thoughts

"Remembering Eddie Van Halen" is a moving exploration of loss, love, and legacy. Through the candid dialogue between Anderson Cooper and Alex Van Halen, listeners gain profound insights into the complexities of grief and the enduring power of familial bonds. This episode serves as a testament to Eddie Van Halen's lasting influence and the unbreakable connection he shares with his brother, offering comfort and understanding to those navigating their own experiences with loss.

Transcript

[Cleveland Clinic]

From all over the world, people turn to Cleveland Clinic for our expertise and our compassionate care as leaders in heart, neurology and cancer. The future of specialty care is happening right now at Cleveland Clinic. For every life saving treatment, for every next step, for every care in the world. Cleveland Clinic.

[Anderson Cooper]

Wherever you are in the world and in grief, welcome to all there is. I'm Anderson Cooper.

[Alex Van Halen]

Look, here's a big one.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Whoa.

[Anderson Cooper]

I took a week off and was with my kids on vacation.

[Alex Van Halen]

Wyatt, they're doing so well.

[Anderson Cooper]

Wyatt is four and Sebastian almost three. It was amazing to swim with him in the ocean, play with Wyatt in the pool for hours.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Good job.

[Alex Van Halen]

You're like a minnow. You're like a minnow.

[Anderson Cooper]

And listen to Sebastian squealing with delight when I tickle him. I was reminded of something my dad, Wyatt Cooper, wrote about my brother and me as kids. I must see that they do not lose their gift of laughter. He wrote, there's more music in the laughter of one child than in all the poems of all the poets who ever lived. More sunshine than in a century of summers. He died two years after he wrote that, and with him gone, I did lose that gift of laughter. I buried it along with my sadness and fear and anger. I've realized lately how much I've used work to avoid all those emotions, to avoid grief while I was away. One night when my kids were asleep, I listened to the most recent podcast episode with Frances Weller, and I want to play you something he said that really struck me.

[Frances Weller]

We don't have much knowledge in grief, as Rilke would say, and so consequently, we push back against it and we don't know how to engage it, to write, to dance, to talk, to share, to bring it to ritual. We are so passive around grief so that when it comes, we are basically caught off guard and unawares of how to respond. So it's, how do I get out of this as fast as possible? And we have so many ways to do that. All the distractions, the busyness, the alcohol, the drugs, anything you need is available to get us away from the depth of those places. I think what happens as we begin to become less avoidant and resistant to it is that we begin to develop a companionship with it.

[Alex Van Halen]

A companionship with grief.

[Frances Weller]

Yes. This is what I call the apprenticeship with sorrow. And we begin to stop fighting it and begin to see that it's actually the way in which my deepest self comes fully present.

[Anderson Cooper]

I've definitely used work to distract myself from the depths of those places, as Francis said, and I know some of you listening have as well. But what does it all amount to? All this work and striving and stress. I'm grateful for the career I've had. It's been and continues to be remarkable and interesting to me. It's given me stability and a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I'm grateful. But in the end, does any of that matter? I think about the last week of my mom's life. Spending time with her, just talking, holding her hand, being with her. Are you scared?

[Eddie Van Halen]

No. I'm not either. Not.

[Anderson Cooper]

She lived an epic life, but all those famous people she knew, all the things she achieved. In the end, what mattered to her was the people sitting around her bed, holding her hand, telling her, I love you.

[Alex Van Halen]

I love you very much.

[Eddie Van Halen]

I know you do, darling. And I love you very much. You know that, don't you?

[Anderson Cooper]

I do.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Always and forever.

[Alex Van Halen]

Me too.

[Anderson Cooper]

I know when I'm old and sick and dying, it won't matter to me what I did. What will matter is what my kids think of me and what kind of person I was in their eyes. Is all this striving just a distraction from that? Am I brave enough to focus instead on building that companionship with grief that Frances talks about and a greater companionship with my kids? All of this brings me to my guest today, Alex Van Halen. Alex and his younger brother Eddie were founding members of Van Halen, one of the most successful rock bands in history. Alex was on drums, Eddie on guitar. David Lee Roth became the first lead singer, and Michael Anthony was the bassist. Eddie, or Ed, as Alex called him, died in 2020 after a long battle with cancer. He was 65 years old and is considered to be one of the best guitarists to ever play. Alex is now 71, and he's just written a book called Brothers about his life with Ed. How has grief been for you?

[Eddie Van Halen]

I always thought of myself as kind of a stoic kind of guy, you know, tough. I was the elder in the family, so I had a certain role to play.

[Alex Van Halen]

You were the protector?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah.

[Alex Van Halen]

Do you feel like you are grieving?

[Eddie Van Halen]

I'm grieving all the time. I'm not trying to put it aside. I'm not saying I'm running from it, because that doesn't solve the problem.

[Alex Van Halen]

It's there. You feel it.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's just at times, can be overwhelming. And the more I dwell on it, the more complicated it becomes. When I'm alone and I put on a piece of music and I hear him play, I just break. I break Down. That's it, you know, Uncontrollably. But knowing what I know about the human body, you just let it happen. Otherwise, it'll happen in the line at the grocery store, and that wouldn't look so good. None of us thought he was going to die. He'd always bounce back. He had the most incredible DNA that I've ever seen in anybody. He could do more drugs than anybody and still wake up the next day and perform. I don't think anybody really thought he was going to die. So when he passed, it was. It was really a shock.

[Alex Van Halen]

Did he know?

[Eddie Van Halen]

I don't think he knew. Being human, you think you're going to go on one more day. One more day. You keep going forward and. But then one day you don't. So up to the very end, we were still making music, and we talked about, what are we going to do next year. But it was clear that he was going downhill.

[Alex Van Halen]

There's a song that you guys were working on.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah. We usually recorded almost everything in the studio while we're playing.

[Alex Van Halen]

I just want to play a little bit of the song.

[Eddie Van Halen]

So there are a lot of fragments of pieces. This is ones that I really. I really liked. Because having just Ed and me in the studio was always the way to let things breathe. You have four people in there, Everybody starts throwing in ideas. Nothing gets to becomes. You have to wait till it grows into fruition. You know, give it time, give it space, let it breathe a little bit.

[Alex Van Halen]

It's how you communicated with each other.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Music was the way he spoke to the world. I think his soul is in the music.

[Alex Van Halen]

He died during COVID Yes.

[Eddie Van Halen]

It was difficult because his immune system was down. So the last thing he needed was to get infected by anything. So there was always a distance between us. At his house, we had to watch him from outside in the driveway, from the window.

[Alex Van Halen]

You couldn't sit by his bedside. You couldn't hold him?

[Eddie Van Halen]

No. The last time we did that was when I took him to Switzerland to have some treatment by some unbelievable doctors. But he was in a lot of pain most of the time. Most people have no idea what kind of pain he was in. Physical, emotional, mental, you name it. Then he started to lose the function of his extremities. It all compounded. And every day it was something some other part with not function anymore.

[Alex Van Halen]

It was cancer that went to his brain.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yes. And they did something called a gamma knife operation, but they cut the cancer out, which was successful, but in the process, it caused a swelling in his brain. So they put him on steroids. And, you know, typical. I'm only laughing about it because even in a life and death situation, right, the decision was, well, two is good, 20 must be better. So he took handfuls of steroids and it made him Superman temporarily. But we got him off to Switzerland to get him off that stuff.

[Alex Van Halen]

So you were able to be with your brother at the end?

[Anderson Cooper]

He had a stroke.

[Alex Van Halen]

And is that at the end?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yes, he had a massive stroke. We were in the room with him when he actually took his last breath. We just sat there. Everybody was in their own headspace. All I know is that when he stopped breathing, I didn't hear anything. I didn't see anything. There were no bells. There were no angels. It was just. It stopped. And then the room was empty. That was it. And then they pulled the plug because he was on a ventilator. And because of COVID and the restrictions and the rules, they immediately carted the body off. And that was it. Then we didn't see him anymore. A very uneventful ending to an eventful life. But you know what? He fought until the very end. That's I want to think of as life in terms of that he never gave up.

[Alex Van Halen]

You wrote in the book, I watched you take your last breath in that moment. All the stuff that you did or made in this world, you can't take it with you.

[Eddie Van Halen]

We travel through time or we travel through existence, and you come and then you go. It's part of the natural order of things. I think the real problem is that when it happens out of what is the norm, which is a full 75 or 80 year life, and to have it be shorter than that, it doesn't make sense. Am I angry at him? Yeah. There were times when I have a jealous scream. Ed, what the is wrong with you? What are you doing? Ed, if you stop doing all them damn drugs. You know, you can't do this to your body and expect to live a full life.

[Alex Van Halen]

So it's anger at him.

[Eddie Van Halen]

For had he stopped, he might have. He might still be here. The emotional part of me just says, ed, you're not done yet. That'd be nice to have you hanging around. My kids don't have an uncle anymore. Your son doesn't have a father. I don't have a brother. Ed's whole life was searching for something. I don't know what it was, because musically we could play anything. Ed, come on. Maybe you could have been here a little longer, but then you realize I have no control over that maybe it's not my place to tell him to be here longer. Maybe he knows intuitively that this is it. I'm done. I'm leaving. He was never satisfied. There was always that itch to do something else. So I don't know. I'm still grappling with some of those things. Because to me, it doesn't make any sense. Can I mention Billy Bob Thornton had this little clip it just popped on my computer. And it really was very articulate and succinct. And it was just completely right on the spot.

[Alex Van Halen]

Well, let me. Actually, I'm gonna play what Billy Bob Thornton said.

[Billy Bob Thornton]

My brother Jimmy, you know, he was a young guy. In 1988. He died suddenly of a heart problem that they didn't know he had. I've never been the same since my brother died. There's a melancholy in me that never goes away. I'm 50% happy and 50% sad at any given moment. And the only advice I can give people for when you lose someone like that is you won't ever get over it. And the more you know that and embrace it, the better off you are. I don't want to forget my brother. And I don't want to forget what it felt like when he died. Because he deserves it. That's how important he was to me. So if I have to suffer and if I have to be sad for the rest of my life, and if I have to be lonely without him, without his particular thing, his sense of humor, and what he brought to life, then that's the way I honor him. You know, I'll be sad and melancholy about that forever. And I know it, and I accept it, and I live with it.

[Eddie Van Halen]

I think Billy Bob Thornton's answer was probably the most articulate and accurate in the sense of, you're gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life. And I'm more than happy to do that. If that's how I pay my respects to you, Ed, that's how I shall do it.

[Anderson Cooper]

We're going to take a short break. When we come back, more of my conversation with Alex Van Halen.

[Cleveland Clinic]

From all over the world, people turn to Cleveland Clinic for our expertise and our compassionate care as leaders in heart neurology and cancer. The future of spirit specialty care is happening right now at Cleveland Clinic. For every life saving treatment, for every next step, for every care in the world. Cleveland Clinic.

[Eddie Van Halen]

We have one more act.

[Alex Van Halen]

For you this evening. I don't even need to say his name.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Mr. Bob Dylan from the director of.

[Anderson Cooper]

Walk the Line and Ford versus Ferrari.

[Eddie Van Halen]

If anyone is going to hold your attention on a stick, you have to kind of be a freak.

[Anderson Cooper]

And starring Timothee Chalamet as Bob Dylan.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Are you a freak? Hope so. Once upon a time, you just.

[Anderson Cooper]

So inspired by the true story. I want to know which side he's on this Christmas.

[Eddie Van Halen]

They just want me singing blowing in the wind for the rest of my life.

[Alex Van Halen]

Bobby, what do you want to be?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Whatever it is they don't want me to be.

[Alex Van Halen]

How does it feel?

[Anderson Cooper]

He defied everyone.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Turn it down. Be loud. To be on your own.

[Anderson Cooper]

To change everything. Azar Elvis with no Direction Timothy Chalamet Edward Norton Elle Fanny Monica Barbaro Make.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Some Noise BD track Some Mud on.

[Anderson Cooper]

A Carpet Complete Unknown A complete unknown. Only in theaters Christmas Day rated R. Under 1790 mid without parrot. More now with Alex Van Halen.

[Alex Van Halen]

The bond that you and your brother had and have was particularly close because it wasn't just the first 18 years of your lives. And then you guys went your separate ways, which is how it is with many siblings. You were in the band together your entire lives.

[Eddie Van Halen]

65 years together. Yeah, Almost every day, if not physically, at least mentally and spiritually, if you will. And we had conflict every moment of the day. That's how I was taught to make art, is that you don't want to all agree on the same thing. You got to have some friction, so to speak.

[Alex Van Halen]

Ed talked about when you guys would play in the earphones that you had on. He could hear others, but he had to hear you. It was the connection between you two that was essential to making the music. Ed said all I had in my monitors when we played live was Al's drums, a little bit of Dave's vocals, a little bit of mine, a little bit of Mike's vocals. But all I hear is myself and my brother. It seemed to me like such a metaphor of your relationship that even in success, with all the stuff swirling around you and all the personalities and the record executives and David Lee Roth, in the end, when push came to shove, it was you and him.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah, you know, it started off as a two piece. Ed and I were the original, the guys who put the band together. But at the end of the day, when there's a disagreement in the band, I'm taking his side and vice versa, because we protect each other. That was the most important thing that we were taught. Stick together.

[Alex Van Halen]

There was a day when you guys were teenagers, you heard your brother playing Going Home by Alvin Lee. Alvin Lee I just Want to play a little bit of that and then ask you about the importance of it.

[Eddie Van Halen]

When Ed played that, it just blew me away.

[Alex Van Halen]

And he was playing it just from listening to it.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah.

[Alex Van Halen]

That was the moment you realized he was a virtuoso on the guitar?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. There was no doubt about it.

[Alex Van Halen]

Your dad was a musician.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yes.

[Alex Van Halen]

Your mom was from Indonesia. Your dad had met her in Indonesia, lived there for several years, and then ultimately, you guys came to the States. Even at the height of your success, your mom was still disappointed.

[Eddie Van Halen]

That's a mild way of putting it. You know, we never quite measured up to what she wanted.

[Anderson Cooper]

That's incredible.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah.

[Alex Van Halen]

For your brother, you think that weighed more heavily on him, her attitude?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Ed was really very sensitive in that sense.

[Alex Van Halen]

Your dad had a heart attack in 1986 and died several months after.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah.

[Alex Van Halen]

He was only 66. Is that right?

[Eddie Van Halen]

66, yeah.

[Alex Van Halen]

You described yourself as being devastated beyond.

[Eddie Van Halen]

It was. It was just. I can't even put it into words. Whether it's because we're all conditioned to believe a certain how it's supposed to end and that this particular instance, it contradicted everything I was aware of or the fact that he's no longer here. We've related to him not just musically, but in his sense of humor and his expert. I mean, you can go anywhere in the world with him and he could find his way. And that confidence gives you a confidence. I have a piece of footage of us leaving Holland as we get on the boat, and the four of us look like a duck with four ducks walking in a row. And we're waving. We have no idea where we're going, what we're walking into. But as long as the boss is leading, we're good. That's the confidence. He expired.

[Alex Van Halen]

Your dad struggled with alcohol?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Oh, yeah. He didn't struggle with it. He loved it.

[Alex Van Halen]

Okay. All right. That's as well.

[Eddie Van Halen]

But my grandfather died from it. My dad's brothers died from it. My dad died from it. I came very close, and Ed, he battled it his whole life. And people don't respect or appreciate what kind of battle you're going through when you're trying to slay that dragon, if you will. I mean, it's an ugly, ugly monster.

[Alex Van Halen]

You gave it up finally.

[Eddie Van Halen]

I wouldn't call it giving it up. I had to quit because I thought I was going to die. And so I went to rehab, and it was a painful process.

[Anderson Cooper]

Was that after your dad died or before?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Two or three months after he died.

[Alex Van Halen]

So that was A really motivating factor.

[Anderson Cooper]

For you to give up on that.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. I thought that baby, by not dying from alcohol. Even absolve his sins, so to speak. So I thought I owed it to him.

[Alex Van Halen]

Before he died, he actually played on one of your albums. You brought him into a recording studio?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah, it was actually. It was Dave's idea.

[Alex Van Halen]

It was David Roth's idea.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Yeah. And I gotta say thanks to Dave. Cause that was really a cool thing for him to do. I'd never seen my dad get so nervous. Because he knew that his capabilities had really diminished. But the moment we started playing, it took like three or four takes. And that was it. We're done. Let's go out and have a couple beers.

[Alex Van Halen]

Is it okay if I play a little bit of your dad playing?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Absolutely. He will love it.

[Alex Van Halen]

This is Jan Van Hollen on the clarinet. And the song is Big Bad Bill is Sweet William.

[Anderson Cooper]

Now.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Afterwards, I think he had a great time with it.

[Alex Van Halen]

You know, when your dad died, your reaction was that you and your brother went into the studio and you just played music.

[Eddie Van Halen]

We just played for hours. It's the only way we could deal with the overwhelming. We didn't even know what to call it. You know, it wasn't referred to as grief back then. We were tough guys. You know, have a couple of beers and let's go on with it.

[Alex Van Halen]

So did you talk with him about your dad? Or was it just. No, let's go play.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Let's go play. Yeah, we just played. Whatever it was, it didn't matter.

[Alex Van Halen]

I just want to read several paragraphs from the book. Because you said you're talking to Ed. He said you never stop. The real problem isn't that you drank alcohol. It's that you drank the Kool Aid. People telling you you're a genius, that you're the greatest guitar player who ever lived. All true. But you ate it up. And then you were overwhelmed by the burden of it. Our dad told us from the beginning, don't believe your own bullshit. Just play. And if you're playing a wedding, wear a tux. Give everything you got. Fulfill your obligations. You're the head of their family. Do your job. But love stays.

[Anderson Cooper]

That's the truth.

[Alex Van Halen]

We still communicate. You're still with me, Ed. Because we live in a Western society. People want to dismiss that as projection. But ask any physicist. Energy can be neither created nor destroyed. When a cloud dissipates, what happens to the water? It isn't gone. It's just changed form. The same thing goes for You, Ed, or any other human being on this planet. So I'll never say goodbye.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Now. I'm getting a lump in my throat.

[Alex Van Halen]

But you feel that? You believe that?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Alex Van Halen]

Can you talk about that?

[Eddie Van Halen]

In a lot of different cultures, death is not really. It's not the end. And I prefer to believe that this is going to sound a little out to left field, so to speak. But he communicates in different ways with me. And I can't really go into that because the moment you mention it, it breaks that bond. It's kind of a really. A thin thread of signs.

[Alex Van Halen]

There's a lot of people who feel signs and see signs, and it gives great comfort. And it's only recently that I've begun to. Excuse me if my voice cracks. It's uncontrollable. I've recently begun to actually feel my brother and my dad, who died long ago. But I've actually started to sort of feel them inside me in a way that I never have before. And it's an extraordinary feeling.

[Eddie Van Halen]

The first real direct communication, if you will, was more of a smell. His unique fragrance was everywhere. And I couldn't figure out rationally where is this coming from? Is it the. The closet? Is it the clothes? Is it the stuff that he washed with? Or maybe it's just my mind wants to smell that. I don't know. But it was there. And lately it's been fading a little bit.

[Alex Van Halen]

But the feeling it leaves you with is positive.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. There are other dimensions of existence. My dad explained that it's all about frequencies. If you had a receiver and an amplifier and you modulate it between the different frequencies, you can go from KLOS to KMET to whatever radio stations there are. It's all there. It's all there in the airwaves, but you have to be in tune with it, then you understand what it is. He's around here somewhere. I think he thought he was done here and that's why he left. That's my mental way of dealing with it.

[Alex Van Halen]

One of the things you write about is your rise and the early club days when you were. Didn't have a record deal, you know, just trying to make it. And you say what we didn't know at that time was that there's a way in which the club days were the pinnacle of our experience on planet Earth. That's when we got the highest highs because the potential of being great was still out there. That's when the dream of Van Halen was the most magical, because it was still a dream because that's when you're alive.

[Eddie Van Halen]

You know, it's just human nature. I think that when you've reached a certain goal, the air leaves the room, so to speak.

[Alex Van Halen]

But I'm wondering if in your secret heart, when you think of your brother, is it those days you think of?

[Eddie Van Halen]

Now that you mentioned it, yeah. It's the most prominent in my memory because being in the basement with the. There were leaking pipes and there was no heat down there and it didn't smell great. We didn't care. Load up a couple more of this plate. But you have a common goal and you have something because you're hungry. I still have the piano that we came over here with. It's in the hallway. And the cigarette burns from when Jump was written, they're still on there. Those kind of. Those little things bring back the memories and it brings back the smells, the feeling, the touch.

[Alex Van Halen]

Is there a song that when you think of your brother, this is the song you think of?

[Eddie Van Halen]

I could think of several different ones, but we all used to bring pieces of music into the basement. And I remember when Ed brought in Running with the Devil, that chord structure and that. That whole deal. The moment I heard that, I said, okay, you're writing all the songs from now on, because we can't compete with that. And it had nothing to do with speed. It had nothing to do with articulation, had nothing to do with anything other. It was just absolutely brilliant. To my ear, it was amazing.

[Alex Van Halen]

That's what we'll end the podcast with then. Running with the Devil. It was really lovely talking to you, Anderson.

[Eddie Van Halen]

Thank you, man.

[Anderson Cooper]

And that's all there is. You can watch a video version of this interview on YouTube or at our online grief [e-mail] all there is online. You can also listen to voicemails there from other podcast listeners about their experiences with grief. Leave comments of your own and listen to all the seasons of the podcast as well. I'll be back with another edition of All There Is next week. I hope you find something in these podcasts that help you in your grief, and I hope they make you feel a little less alone. Thanks for listening. I'd love to hear your [e-mail] all there is online. All There Is is a production of CNN Audio. The show is produced by Grace Walker and Dan Bloom. Our senior producer is Hayley Thomas. Dan Dezzulla is our technical director and Steve Lichtai is our executive producer. Support from Nick Godsell, Ben Evans, Chuck Haddad, Charlie Moore, Carrie Rubin, Carrie Pritchard Shimri, Chet, Ronald Bettis, Alex Manasseri, Robert Mathers, John Deonnora, Laney Steinhardt, Jamis Andrest, Nicole Pesaru and Lisa Namorow. Special thanks to Wendy Brundage.

[Cleveland Clinic]

From all over the world, people turn to Cleveland Clinic for our expertise and our compassionate care as leaders in heart, neurology and cancer. The future of specialty care is happening right now at Cleveland Clinic. For every life saving treatment, for every next step, for every care in the world, Cleveland Clinic.

[Frances Weller]

Thanks for listening to this episode of.

[Anderson Cooper]

All There is with Anderson Cooper.

[Eddie Van Halen]

You can hear new episodes every week on Amazon Music as well as your other favorite CNN podcasts.