Sharing Our Grief

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Sharing Our Grief" | All There Is with Anderson Cooper

Episode Release Date: February 7, 2024

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Introduction

In the poignant episode titled "Sharing Our Grief" from Season 3 of All There Is with Anderson Cooper, host Anderson Cooper delves deep into the multifaceted experience of grief. Continuing his personal journey, Cooper engages with listeners who share their heart-wrenching stories of loss, offering a space where shared experiences foster healing and understanding.

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Anderson Cooper’s Personal Reflections on Grief

The episode opens with a deeply personal message from Anderson Cooper’s late mother, Mary Lahikainen. Mary’s poignant words set the tone for the episode, illustrating the cyclical nature of happiness and sorrow:

“Blinding beauty and happiness. And then you land in a dark cave and there is no color, no sky. Then the rainbow returns, sometimes only briefly.”
— Anderson Cooper [00:29]

Cooper reflects on his own journey through grief, distinguishing between the anticipatory grief he felt for his mother—who lived to 95—and the acute, traumatic losses of his father, brothers, and nanny. This introspection allows him to recognize progress in his grieving process:

“It's no longer just one huge, ever expanding black hole of oblivion that I'm running from.”
— Anderson Cooper [01:26]

He acknowledges the support from his listeners, appreciating the collective sharing of grief that helps alleviate the sense of isolation often felt during such times.

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Listener Calls: Sharing Personal Grief Stories

The heart of the episode lies in the diverse and moving stories shared by listeners. Each narrative offers unique insights into coping with loss, highlighting the universal yet individual nature of grief.

1. Mary Lahikainen on Losing Her Son

Mary shares the heartbreaking story of her son Ian Alexander Lahikainen, who battled glioblastoma:

“On February 29, 2020, I held Ian in my arms. I felt his heart stop. I was the first to hold Ian when he was born and I was the last.”
— Mary Lahikainen [06:27]

She reflects on the distinct layers of her grief, differentiating between the loss of a parent and the tragic deaths of siblings and a nanny.

2. Linda’s Experience with Losing Her Son to Suicide

Linda recounts the devastating loss of her son Matthew to suicide and the profound impact of a friend's comforting words:

“She said, I will say his name and I will remember and talk about Matthew forever.”
— Linda [06:43]

This gesture provided Linda with solace, reinforcing the importance of remembrance in the grieving process.

3. Sarah’s Loss of Her First Baby

Sarah opens up about the sorrow of losing her first child and how sharing her grief has fostered connections:

“One of the things that I've come to understand is that my grief is useful to other people who are in grief and their grief is useful to me.”
— Sarah [07:44]

She compares grief to driving in a whiteout, where the headlights of others' experiences illuminate a path forward.

4. Mariana’s Loss of Her Parents

Mariana shares the tender moment of someone genuinely asking about her mother's personality:

“What was your mother like as a person?”
— Mariana Yamadi [12:13]

This approach provided her with a sense of being seen beyond the circumstances of her parents' deaths.

5. Grayson’s Transformation Through Remembering His Mother

Grayson discusses how actively remembering his late mother transformed his grief:

“It's like I gave them this invitation to talk about her. And then in doing so, I didn't have to carry the weight of grief alone.”
— Grayson Williams Krebs [12:17]

By celebrating his mother's life through gestures like bringing her favorite dessert, Grayson found communal support and beauty in shared memories.

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Key Insights and Themes

Throughout the episode, several recurring themes emerge, underscoring the complex journey of healing from loss:

1. The Power of Sharing Grief: Listeners emphasize that talking about their losses alleviates isolation and fosters connections with others who understand their pain.

2. Different Dimensions of Grief: The narratives highlight that grief isn't solely about sadness over a loved one's death but also encompasses mourning lost futures, altered relationships, and the enduring impact of the deceased on one's identity.

3. Coping Mechanisms: From celebrating anniversaries with activities that honor loved ones to creating personal memorial spaces, listeners showcase diverse strategies that help them navigate their grief.

4. Acknowledging Complex Emotions: Anderson Cooper and his listeners discuss the acceptance of mixed feelings—such as love intertwined with relief or anger—which are integral to the grieving process.

5. Legacy and Remembrance: Honoring the memory of lost loved ones by speaking their names, sharing stories, and integrating their essence into daily life serves as a therapeutic tool for many.

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Conclusion

"Sharing Our Grief" serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit in the face of profound loss. Anderson Cooper, through his own reflections and the heartfelt stories of his listeners, underscores the significance of communal support and open dialogue in healing. By normalizing the conversation around grief and embracing its many forms, the episode offers hope and solace to those navigating their own journeys of loss.

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Notable Quotes:

• Anderson Cooper [00:29]: "Nothing is meant to last forever. We are not meant always to be happy..."

• Mary Lahikainen [01:26]: "It's no longer just one huge, ever expanding black hole of oblivion that I'm running from."

• Mary Lahikainen [06:27]: "I felt his heart stop. I was the first to hold Ian when he was born and I was the last."

• Linda [06:43]: "I will say his name and I will remember and talk about Matthew forever."

• Sarah [07:44]: "My grief is useful to other people who are in grief and their grief is useful to me."

• Mariana Yamadi [12:13]: "What was your mother like as a person?"

• Grayson Williams Krebs [12:17]: "I didn't have to carry the weight of grief alone."

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For more support and to share your own story, visit the All There Is online grief community at cnn.com/allthereisonline.

Transcript

[Anderson Cooper]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

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[Anderson Cooper]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

Shop Black Friday deals first with Walmart plus see [e-mail] Darling Anderson My mom wrote and recorded this message to me four years before she died.

[Anderson Cooper]

In every life you have moments of.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Blinding beauty and happiness. And then you land in a dark.

[Anderson Cooper]

Cave and there is no color, no sky. Then the rainbow returns, sometimes only briefly. We are not meant always to be happy and who would want to be? Happiness would become meaningless if it were a constant state. If you accept that, then you will not be surprised when something bad occurs. You will not gnash your teeth and ask why me? Why has this happened to me? It has happened to you because that is the nature of things. No one escapes. Nothing is meant to last forever. We are told the fable ends with.

[Mary Lahikainen]

A pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

[Anderson Cooper]

But does it? I have no answer except to say.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I know the rainbow comes and goes.

[Anderson Cooper]

And really, isn't that enough? Your adoring mom.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I really miss hearing her voice and it's funny because all the things that used to frustrate or stress me out about her, that's all gone. Hearing her voice now, I just hear her almost childlike enthusiasm, her optimism and her humor. And most of all I hear the love that she had for me and the trust that she had in me. I mentioned recently that I felt stuck in my grief, but listening to my mom, I realize now for the first time that the grief I feel for her is very different than the grief I feel over my dad and brothers deaths and my nanny Mae. I had a lifetime with my mom. She died at 95 and while I miss her, I don't feel robbed. There's no horror or rage at her passing. It is, I see very clearly right now the grief of an adult. And I see very clearly how the grief I feel over my brother and father and may is the grief a child feels, a mix of horror and heartbreak, fear and rage. Maybe I have made some progress after all. Whatever progress means. At least now I can allow myself to look at the many layers of my grief and feel them long enough to analyze their dimensions and origin. It's no longer just one huge, ever expanding black hole of oblivion that I'm running from. And I have many of you who are listening to thank for that. I've been playing your voicemails this past week. I've received more than 2,200 of them so far. And the number 1-917-727-6818 will be working for several more weeks. If you want a call hearing your voices and your stories, the names of your loved ones, I couldn't stop crying. While I normally try to shut that down pretty quickly, I didn't this past week. And I'm glad. In this episode, I'm going to play some of your calls. I want you to hear what I heard in your messages because it so confirmed to me that I, you. None of us is alone in our sadness and in our struggles. And I know it feels like we are. I've felt alone for so long. But what Frances Weller said in the first episode of this season is really true grief.

[Anderson Cooper]

When we're really in it, we are in the commons of the soul. Anytime you walk down the street, any.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Pair of eyes you look into, they will know loss. No one's been excluded from that club.

[Anderson Cooper]

One of the most, if not the most common human experience is one of loss.

[Mary Lahikainen]

But when you're in a graphobic culture.

[Anderson Cooper]

That language, those commons don't get to.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Be visited for the next half hour or so. I want you to visit the commons of the Soul with me.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Mary Bahikainen. I'm calling because I want you to know my son's name. Ian. Sorry. Ian Alexander Lahikainen. He's my only child. He was 25 when diagnosed with brain cancer, the worst glioblastoma. We were told from the beginning it would take his life. They slowed it around for a number of years, but he was left with daily seizures. His longtime girlfriend left too much for her. He planned to marry her. It was just the three of us, mom, dad and Ian. The time was full of love and laughter, but also terrifying MRIs to see if the other shoe, as they put it, finally dropped. October of 2019, they offered to try to just keep him alive. No more talk of a cure. This meant constantly at the hospital. Ian wanted to stop. I didn't want to lose him. I talked with him for three weeks, and finally, on Halloween, I asked him to tell me what he really wanted. I want to stay home, Mom. I want to live, not to survive. He said. Even if you know what can happen? I ask. Yes, he said. I said, okay, I'll tell everyone to stop calling. No more appointments, no labs, no MRIs. My heart was breaking. Ian looked at me with a huge smile. Oh, Mom, I'm so happy. On February 29, 2020, I held Ian in my arms. I Could feel his heart pounding in my chest. I said, it's alright, Ian. I got you. I love you. And I felt his heart stop. I was the first to hold Ian when he was born and I was the last. During hospice, he smiled and told me I was his best friend. What a gift that was all throughout his life. We were goofy pals. Ian knew that he was my favorite human. I can't offer much because I'm so lost without him.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Mary, I've listened to your message dozens of times and I've said your son's name, Ian Alexander Lahikainen, aloud into the universe over and over. And I hope people listening will say his name out loud as well.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Linda. My dear friend knew exactly what to say when I called her to tell her our son Matthew had died by suicide at age 24. She said, I will say his name and I will remember and talk about Matthew forever. To everyone I know the worst thing that could ever have happened to us. Our only child was gone. We feared he would be forgotten. My friends let me know with those sweet words that Matthew would continue to be talked about and remembered beyond our memories of him. It was the most beautiful, generous gift and I will never forget her perfect words.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Many of you who called spoke about that feeling of being lost, the pain of it. And many of you have learned that talking about it is the only way through.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Sarah. I live just outside of Chicago. My husband and I lost our first baby at about six months. I was six months pregnant. One of the things that I've come to understand is that my grief is useful to other people who are in grief and their grief is useful to me. Sort of like driving in a whiteout snowstorm. If you see that there are headlights in front of you, it helps you feel like there's a path that you are on and there is space to move forward.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I love that description of headlights in a blizzard that help you feel that you're not alone and that there is a path ahead.

[Anderson Cooper]

Hi Anderson. I lost my second child some years back to a really rare genetic condition and it was completely devastating as you can imagine. He was an infant and I was able to test for it with subsequent children and lost two other pregnancies and also had two more living children after that. So I have three living children right now and I learned a lot from it. I absolutely believe that he was meant to be here. I was meant to be his mother. There's so much love around that and I'm so glad that I was able to hold him as he died. I think that being a witness to the death of someone that you love is. It's amazing. It's an honor. But he's not something that's a taboo subject. If he comes up in conversation, if I'm talking to somebody, if they ask how many kids I have and it feels appropriate, I mention it. I feel like making the loss of a loved one where you don't talk about the person, I actually think that that can make living with it more difficult. And I feel grateful that my son Jordan, has been incorporated into our family as just part of our lives. He was my kid's brother. He was my husband's child.

[Mary Lahikainen]

So many of you called in to emphasize the importance of talking and also to mention specific things that people have said to you that have been help.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Sarah, and my first daughter, Clara, was born and died unexpectedly at birth on December 28th of 2015. I have another daughter as well. And so people will ask, how many children do you have? Is this your only one? And I make a decision right then and there whether or not I'm going to share about Clara, and often I do because she is part of our family. And while I'm often met with silence, as though the person who asked that question didn't even hear me when I say, well, actually, I have to. But my first daughter died at birth. Even though I am often met with that reaction, I continue to share because one of the things that I have found is that the more I share, the more people open up to me and they tell me their stories. There's a lot of connection that can be made, and I have met some of the kindest people through my sharing, and that has helped me and I hopefully, helps others. Hi, my name is Mariana Yamadi, and I just wanted to share one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me in my grief. My father passed away in 2017. My mother passed away in 2018, and I befriended a small group of older women. And one day I just started weeping. And one of the older women gently asked me, what was she like? What was your mother like? And to be honest, I didn't even know how to answer that. I had realized that all the questions that I've been asked in the last two years with my parents passing were, what happened to them? When did they die? How did they die? And here this woman was asking me about my mom as a person. And so every time that I find out that someone has lost someone, I really try to ask Something personal, like what was their name? What was your favorite memory?

[Mary Lahikainen]

Mariana. I've taken that advice and I've seen the difference that it makes.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Grayson Williams Krebs. My mom died at a young age and I feel like when people found out this fact, it was like mental note, never bring up moms in front of Grayson. It was isolating and it was uncomfortable. I realized that not talking about my mom was not only keeping me from telling other people about the life she lived, but also to not talk about my mom is to not recognize my strength and who I am today. So I wanted to change this. I started bringing cheesecake, her favorite dessert, to work on her birthday. I had tulips around the house more, her favorite flowers, and I started wearing her clothes more and telling her like a badge of honor, these are hers. Then that's when things changed. On the anniversary of her passing, which we need to have a better word for that day. What are we calling it these days? My friends heard sending me tulips at restaurants. They'd ordered cheesecake. And then I was able to tell them stories about my mom. It's like I gave them this invitation to talk about her. And then in doing so, I didn't have to carry the weight of grief alone. I got to share it with friends. And grief weirdly turned into this really beautiful thing. Grief does not have to be scary when we can do it together.

[Mary Lahikainen]

We'll be right back with more of your calls.

[Anderson Cooper]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

It also offers game changing versatility with.

[Anderson Cooper]

The available multiflex midgate and tailgate. Which means Silverado EV helps you carry large, bulky and oddly shaped idle up to nearly 11ft in length Chevrolet together. Let's drive. Visit Chevrolet.com to learn more.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Hey everybody, it's Rob Lowe here. If you haven't heard, I have a podcast that's called Literally with Rob Lowe. And basically it's conversations I've had that really make you feel like you're pulling up a chair at an intimate dinner between myself and people that I admire like Aaron Sorkin or Tiffany Haddish, Demi Moore, Chris Pratt, Michael J. Fox. There are new episodes out every Thursday, so subscribe please and listen wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back. There are so many different kinds of grief and so many layers to it. Sally received a cancer diagnosis that changed her life forever.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Sally Wolf. I live in Manhattan. I am 47, and for the past four and a half years, it has been a stage four incurable breast cancer. And one of the things that I focused on a lot is the loss of the image I had of my future self, which is just as important to grieve as the loss of loved ones and at the same time, find the strength to see what gifts that loss may coexist beside. So, for example, I was considering becoming a mother on my own, which was a lifelong dream of mine, to have children. And I put a hold on that plan, possibly forever, on the heels of three consecutive cancer diagnoses. And yet, at the same time, I am an auntie to three amazing little humans who are almost nine, almost seven, and almost five. And I honestly never knew it could be this magical to be an auntie. So while I grieve the loss of motherhood as I envisioned it, I also welcome the gift that I have found in the incredible relationships I have with my nephew and nieces.

[Mary Lahikainen]

So many of you are grieving as a result of cancer.

[Anderson Cooper]

Hi, my name is Kristen. My son's a brain cancer survivor. And there's the child that he was going to be when he was born. And then this thing happened to him and it forever altered him. He was two and a half when he was diagnosed, and then he was three and a half when he relapsed. But, you know, 30 sessions of radiation takes a toll on the brain, and it altered him, and he'll be forever altered from it. And there's the grief of who he was going to be before that happened.

[Mary Lahikainen]

While often we think of grief as sadness for the passing of someone we loved and will miss, there can be so many dimensions to it.

[Anderson Cooper]

I have never shared anything like this before, but my dad was extremely emotionally abusive to me pretty much every day of my life. And there were times I hoped for him to be dead because I knew I deserved to be free. But he was also a very beloved and well respected doctor in our small community. And when he died, there were hundreds of people at his funeral coming up to me, my mom, my sister, telling us what a wonderful person he was. So there's a difficulty and all the complexity that's wrapped up in mourning someone who you also need to be free from.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Lisa called in about the death of her father, who was an alcoholic.

[Anderson Cooper]

It is perfectly okay to love them, to honor and be grateful for the good things they brought into your life. And the key part for me that I have never heard from anyone in 36 years is acknowledge that your life is easier without them in it. I love my father, and my life is easier without him in it. And it's been 36 years since he passed, and I've never heard anyone say that. And it's been my truth all along. And I hope that that is helpful for someone. My name is Sarah and I am from Arkansas. I lost my dad to lung cancer in 2006. I was 32. He was a musician and an artist. He was an alcoholic, and I grieved him little by little in my life. I'd miss him because he'd be playing a gig or, unfortunately, on a bender at a bar. We got closer, closer to his death when I was 32. And he always told me, sarah, you have so much moxie. I'm now almost 50 this July, and my husband Patrick, and I have a daughter. Her name is Moxie because it is the memory I have of what he would endearingly call me. And he would have loved moxie. They're so much alike. Their wit, their sense of humor, their love of music. And she is 10 years old. All these years later, there's still a little bit of grief. But I see so much of him in moxie. So it is a constant reminder of the good things.

[Mary Lahikainen]

And, Sarah, I'm so glad that you and your dad were able to get closer toward the end of his life. And I love the name Moxie. One of the things we've talked about over the last two seasons are anniversaries and birthdays and how hard they can be. These next few listeners have found ways to celebrate their loved ones and feel less alone in their sadness.

[Anderson Cooper]

My brother's death day is in about a week. And one thing that I do is I celebrate the day instead of acknowledging the pain of it solely because I know I'm going to have those feelings. He loves thrills. He loves roller coasters and amusement parks. I go to roller coaster parks and I ride roller coasters, and it helps me. It's cathartic to scream on roller coasters. And instead of a looming, sad day on a calendar, I have a fun day at amusement park mixed with reef, which is sort of my existence. My dad passed away over 25 years ago, and it was such an ache, such a void. The man loved a good parking place. He loved. He counted stop signs. It just seemed like my dad was the patron saint of parking and we called him that. And after he passed away, it was the darndest thing. It was such a heartache and a void. But over the years. Every time we get a good parking place, we all say, thanks, dad, and it really is. We have a giggle. It's a real source of remembering and a moment of his being back in our lives. And what started as an ache has ended up becoming a family sort of ongoing. Love and humor.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I love that. The patron saint of parking.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Reverend Rachel Hollander. I have an area in my house. It started out as what I called the guardian wall, which is I put pictures up of those who have left, and I let them keep an eye on me. And so now there's like a shelf of tokens and souvenirs and items, and then all the photographs of everyone. And included in those souvenirs and tokens and items are. Are parts of my life that have. That have fallen away. And it helps me feel loved. And it reminds me that I'm never alone, that they are always just a breath away. And don't tell anybody. But sometimes I do talk to them and they talk back. I used to talk to my mom when I was driving. We always lived far apart from each other. And so when I would hop in the car, I would give her a call. And it was hard when she died because I didn't have her to talk in the car anymore. But the other day I was driving and it just suddenly occurred to me to talk to her anyway. So that's what I did. And I've done it a couple times now and feels great. That huge empty hole where I used to talk to her. Now it's filled again with conversations about things that, you know, are happening in my life, things like that. It may sound silly to just be talking through the air, but it's really helped. Which you probably can't tell since I'm crying, but it really has.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Well, these past few months, I found myself talking to my dad and brother and May. And yeah, while it may sound silly to some, it doesn't sound silly to me. And yeah, it does help. It's hard for anyone whose grief isn't recognized. And I've heard from a number of you who've lost beloved animals. And it's not just the pain of the loss that you spoke of, but the way it's been treated by some people around you.

[Anderson Cooper]

Hi, Anderson. I'm snuggling with my sweet dog tonight, knowing that tomorrow I'm going to have to say goodbye. She's been my only constant since I was 25 years old. She helped me grow up. And I just know that there's never going to be kind of love like this ever again. I just want to let other people know who are going through the loss of beloved animal, that it's okay. It's okay to grieve. Don't worry what other people think. Animals are the only thing capable of unconditional love. And I'm going to try so hard just to remember all the lessons my sweet Nelly girl has taught me. For many people, the loss of a pet is the loneliest kind of grief. They're the witnesses to our lives, sometimes the only witness. They're the reason to come home. They can be the only tether to the world for some people, and they represent the end of an era of our lives. So the grief can be incredibly lonely and isolating as it's rarely taken as seriously as human loss. So what I've learned is to seek out others who understand the depth of that loss. And don't worry about those who don't, because your grief is real and as legitimate as any other grief. Rest in peace, Myle.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I still haven't made much progress the last several weeks going through any of the boxes of things belonging to my mom and dad and brother. They're still in my basement just waiting. Shannon left this message about it.

[Anderson Cooper]

When we are holding on to these things like Anderson has been doing with his mom's things and how my mom's partner's children are with his belongings, I think that's not them. And when we weight ourselves down with these things and we slow the transformation process and we can't become who we are meant to become without that person. Because I don't believe that we are meant to be with our beloved every minute of our lifetime.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I find that notion of grief as a process of transformation really interesting. Becoming who we're meant to become without the loved one who's died and the idea that we're not meant to be with our beloveds all our life. I don't know, maybe it sounds obvious to you, but I keep thinking about it and I find it comforting in a way. With grief, so much changes over time. And I want you to hear from some listeners who are at different places in their grief.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Erin and I'm from Michigan. My parents died in March of 2021. My mom had dementia. My dad was overwhelmed with fear and pain and watching her decline. My dad took my mom's life and then took his own. I didn't know how to even begin to understand what had happened and felt overwhelmed with grief. I received some advice from a friend who had recently Lost her husband. She told me to simply begin by choosing the next thing that I could do. Small things like getting a drink of water or making something to eat or going for a walk. In the initial days of grief, I found this advice to be a helpful way to help me move through a day that I didn't even know how to get through. Now, over a year and a half later, there are still moments when I just need to decide what's the next thing that I can do to take care of myself. My name is Casey. I lost my brother Ron on September 9, 2020. He was driving his motorcycle to work and a woman was not paying attention and shrunk and killed him. And you learn quickly that although your world has stopped, the real world keeps going. And somehow now we are entering our almost fourth year without him and things change. You figure out how to carry it differently. It's not always right in front of your face. It's kind of tucked away in an envelope and you're able to peek into it and see if it's something you can deal with today or not. But then you're driving and someone runs a red light right in front of you and you think, my brother didn't get that lucky. My name is Christina and I lost my wonderful husband Eric two years and seven months ago to suicide. Losing my husband to suicide was the second most painful thing I've ever been through. The first most painful thing I've ever been through is watching my then 8 year old and 5 year old grieve their father. Walking your children through pain and grief and sadness is basically human torture. But I would really encourage anybody out there that is going through something similar to give yourself space, to grieve, to allow your children to openly grieve, to keep their memory alive every day in your household. Keep the memory alive for your children in your heart and in their heart.

[Mary Lahikainen]

I think this is so important and I say this as someone who did not openly grieve as a child or for most of my life. My brother and I never spoke about my dad after his death. It was just too painful.

[Anderson Cooper]

My husband passed away several years ago after a 13 year battle with cancer. I have two boys and those 13 years were the whole of their childhood. They were 16 and 18 when their dad died. We could have retreated to our separate corners as we grieved and raged over all that. We have no control. But this awful experience is actually the thing that pulled us together. My boys and I were able to forge an unshakable relationship that laid the foundation for us to remain connected. And so it is this deep bond with my boys, formed in the midst of trauma and heartache, that I am most deeply grateful for.

[Mary Lahikainen]

Gail, I'm so glad you were able to do that. My brother and I did retreat into our separate corners and we never emerged from them. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life.

[Anderson Cooper]

My name is Kristen Payne. My husband, Ed, died nine years ago. Coming up on the ninth anniversary, the single most helpful thing for me and for my son, who's now 15 and was 6 when he died, is talking about him and talking about the death and his illness before he died, to my son and then talking about him all the time. And there's a poem. I don't know if it's really a poem, but it's a statement that was given to me month or two after my husband died. And it is just beautiful. Death is nothing at all. I've only slipped away into the next room.

[Mary Lahikainen]

When I heard Kristen start to read this, I began weeping. It triggered a memory I had long buried. It was July 1988, a day or two after my brother's suicide. Someone handed me a Xerox copy of this poem on a slip of paper. I still have it pressed between the pages of an old journal I'd completely forgotten about. These words may not be new to you, but they were to me back then. And they helped me get through those first terror filled days after my brother died. Death is nothing at all. I've only slipped away to the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other that we still are, call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, Smile. Think of me. Pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same that it ever was. There is absolute, unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight. I am but waiting for you for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. So that's all there is for now. There'll be more episodes down the road. If you'd like to leave a voicemail, feel free. I still have a lot of your calls to listen to, and I will. But I'm happy to hear more. The number is 917-727-6818. That's 917-727-6818. It'll be open for another two weeks or so. I hope these podcasts have been and continue to be of some help. Wherever you are in the world and in your grief. I hope you know you're not alone. Take care. All there is is a production of CNN Audio. The show is produced by Grace Walker and Dan Bloom. Our senior producers are Hailey Thomas and Felicia Patinkin. Dan Dazula is our Technical director and Steve Lichtai is the Executive producer of CNN Audio. Support from Charlie Moore, Carrie Rubin, Shimrit Sheetrit, Ronnie Bettis, Alex Manaseri, Robert Mathers, John De Nor, Lainey Steinhardt, Jamis Andres, Nicole Pesaru and Lisa Namro. Special thanks to Katie Hinman.

[Anderson Cooper]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

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[Anderson Cooper]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

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[Mary Lahikainen]

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