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This podcast is brought to you by Ascension. To discover even more free Catholic podcasts, videos and resources to help you live your faith every day, visit ascensionpress.com hi, I'm Edward Sri, and welcome to All Things Catholic, where real faith meets real life. How do you respond when you're not being treated well? When someone says something that hurts you, but that tone of voice, or you feel like they're always complaining and criticizing you and pointing out all your faults? Or what about when someone's just not reliable? They don't do what they say they're going to do. They don't show up when they say they're going to show up. How do you respond to that? Or when a kid disobeys or a teenager disrespects you, or a friend lets you down and turns on you. Or you have a certain family member that's pressuring you, trying to manipulate you, and if you don't do what they want, they're going to guilt you and shame you. How do you respond when you're not being treated well? Well, many times when we experience this injustice committed against us, we have this desire to set things right. We have a desire to stop the injustice. We don't like being treated this way, and we want to set things right. Well, that desire within us is related to the passion of anger. And we saw last week how God gave us this passion of anger. Anger is one of the passions. It's neutral. It's neither good nor evil, but God gave it to us and it can be used for good. So we can bring a greater order and right, ordered relationships and harmony in the world and in our own souls. But we also know from our experience that if we're not careful, we can allow the anger, the passion of anger, to lead us down a path that isn't helpful, that actually makes things worse and causes more harm. Did you know that St. Thomas Aquinas can help us with this? He actually highlights three ways, three key ways we can tell our anger is leading us down an unhealthy pathway that will only cause greater harm, greater division, greater fragmentation. And so are you aware of those three ways? And I think it'll be a fun examination of conscience if we can together take a look at that and consider the ways that anger can be used for good. But if we're not careful, how it could lead us astray. And that's what we're going to take a look at in this week's podcast. So welcome to All Things Catholic. I'm your host, Edward SRI and we're continuing our look at these various vices and virtues that are related to self control, having moderation in our lives. And I know we're going to get into Aquinas and this is going to be really helpful here because it breaks down for us very clearly when we know we're going in the wrong direction with our anger. And as we saw last week, again, anger can be used for good. It motivates us to bring greater justice in the world, in our parishes and our workplaces, in our friendships and our family relationships. And that's a good thing. We want to set things right and have harmonious relationships in this world. And when there's been a rupture, anger can motivate us and drive us toward helping bring things to a better place. But as I said many times, we, you know, I could lose my temper and get angry at my kids. Why aren't you coming right now? Where's your shoe? We gotta go. We're gonna be late for Mass again. So I could really lose it sometimes with my kids and that's not a healthy way. It only brings greater disharmony and hurts my kids when I lose my temper like that. We don't want to do that. But here's one thing before we get into Aquinas, beautiful insights to help prevent us from going down that unhealthy pathway is that we're human and many of us are going to fall in this area. I know I do often. But I think there's something I want to keep in mind, that even when we do go down that wrong pathway toward that unhealthy anger, that non virtuous anger, even when we do that, the anger itself still has a story. It's still telling us something. There's a reason that we're angry now. We may not be directing that anger in the proper way, in a virtuous way, but it's important that we consider in those moments what is it that I'm really valuing here that I'm concerned is going to be taken away? What bad thing am I worried about is going to happen? What is it that's really driving me to be angry? Is it that I just want control or I just want people to like me and be respected? Is it that I just want to be included? Is it that I just want, you know, efficiency and productivity? Like, what is it that's underneath this anger? There's a deeper concern there and that's valuable, that's valuable information. So we're going to take a look at the three sinful ways we can fall into what Aquinas call sinful anger. And that'll help us. But even when we fall, I'll give some examples of how even that anger is still telling us something important that we want to pay attention to so we can channel this passion in a more beautiful way, a helpful way, a. A virtuous way. So let's dive into this. So Aquinas, three ways we fall into unhealthy anger, what he calls sinful anger. The first one is the object of our anger. What is it that we're really angry about? Am I angry over the right thing? That many times our anger becomes sinful, becomes something, you know, we bring to God and we tell him we're sorry for. When I'm angry over the wrong things. Like my little child not able to find their shoes, you know, maybe have I trained my child where to keep their shoes? Maybe they were up late the night before and because we got back from a big event and they were sleeping and they, they forgot to put their. Their shoes away because they were too sleepy and too tired. Like, there could be many other factors there. Is this really worth getting that angry about? They just don't know where their shoes are. Or when a child spills their cup at the dinner table, which happens a lot in big families, and there's water all over the place, this happens. Little kids aren't perfect in holding their cup. They're going to reach over to something and not think, oh, I might knock the cup over. These things happen. Is it worth really getting angry over spilled milk, spilled water, spilled juice? So I think those are clear examples of when we're angry over things that we shouldn't. That's a problem that's not helpful. But I want to give some more practical examples that come up in ordinary daily life as well. Like in the workplace. Let's say someone didn't get a promotion and they're just angry about it, and their. Their colleague got the promotion. But let's say their colleague actually worked harder this last quarter and not only met their goals, but significantly exceeded the goals. And they volunteered for other special projects. They contributed to the company in significant ways this last quarter. And maybe I didn't work that hard and maybe I didn't meet my goals and maybe I didn't do anything extra. And so is it really just for me to be angry that I didn't get the promotion? Was there an injustice committed against me? No. The right person got the job. They deserve the promotion. I didn't doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. Maybe that'll motivate me to work harder next quarter. But the point is, if I get angry at my boss and angry at the company, why didn't I get the promotion over something that is not just I, I, I shouldn't, I shouldn't be complaining about this. I didn't get it because the other person was better. Or what about, let me give another example, maybe from family life. You hear a lot of tensions that come up in families, you know, when the children become adults and they start having families of their own. And let's say the children decide not to come home for Thanksgiving. And that could be sad. That'd be really sad for me as a mom, as a dad, I'm sure I'd be sad about that. But let's say they just, they have other plans, they're going to see their in laws, they're going to come see us another time. Do I have to have everything my way? And you know, maybe God's inviting me to adapt to this new season of parenting right now, but if I get angry about that, angry, why didn't they come? This is not just they're not treating us well, you know, there's something off there. I'm not getting angry over the right things. Let's take a look at marriage. My wife and I, we do a lot of marriage teaching, marriage videos. We've written a book about marriage, and we sometimes mentor married couples. But one thing that we know comes up in a lot of marriages is tension around marital intimacy. And let's say there's one spouse that really wants to have intimacy on a certain night, but the other spouse is exhausted and tired and not feeling well. You know, is, is there cause to be angry over that? Oh, why can't we have intimacy tonight? That's really sad. That's really hard. Because is it about just one person getting their own pleasure or is it really about the couple coming together in greater unity, greater trust, greater love, and expressing that through this act? Because if it is really the latter, then okay, the other person maybe isn't up for it tonight. And we shouldn't pressure and try to force this. It's not worth getting angry about. In fact, it's being angry over the wrong things. So these are some examples of unjust anger or what Aquinas calls sinful anger. To think of it as when anger is leading us down a pathway, that's not helpful. I'm getting angry over the wrong things. That's one of the first of the three key markers. If I want to know if am I angry? Am I falling down the path of sinful anger? Ask myself, am I angry over the right things? And when I do that, I can realize some things, even if I'm falling into this sinful anger. The anger, remember, has a certain story. It's trying to tell me something important. Even though it may not correspond to the full reality of everything that's happening here, it still may shed some important light. That's important information for me. So, for example, if I notice that I'm getting. You're really angry about not getting that promotion, maybe I could pause for a moment and start to realize, well, wait a second. That other colleague did work harder and they did exceed their numbers. They really. They're really deserving of the promotion, and I wasn't. Maybe I should be asking, why am I so angry? Did I overestimate my abilities here? Maybe is there some rivalry? I have some tension with this other employee. I don't like them. I'm envious. Maybe God has given me an opportunity to appreciate this co worker of mine and maybe to look a little deeper in my own life, that maybe there's things that I could grow in that I have certain gaps in my professional work and there's things that I could do better. I could work harder, I could take on more projects, and maybe I could ask my boss or another colleague, like, hey, what are some things you think I could work on? So, in other words, maybe I did start getting angry about not getting a certain promotion, but I can still use this for good and still ponder. Okay, why was I angry about this? What. What is that saying about me? I thought. I thought I deserved this. When really, if I'm staring at the truth, I. I didn't deserve it. Why was I so angry about that? And it could be an opportunity for me to grow in humility, which can then motivate me to try to be better next, next quarter. Or maybe like the same thing with the kids and Thanksgiving, you know, maybe I just. I'm clinging on to the way things have always been, and I like these certain family traditions and it's more about me and what I like. So I can be the ideal father and head of this household and I just want to control everything so I can feel safe and comfortable in this. But maybe, maybe God's inviting me to be a dad in a new phase of life for my children, and that could be a really good thing and to grow in giving them greater freedom and respecting their Decisions as adults and not taking it as a personal offense that they didn't come home for Thanksgiving. Maybe that's something we're being invited to. Or in the situation of the couple and marital intimacy, where one spouse was really wanting intimacy and the other spouse just wasn't up for it that night, and the spouse, the first spouse, got a little angry about it inside and noticed it. Maybe they could start asking, oh, why was I angry about that? Do I view my spouse with great love and dignity? Do I really cherish my spouse? Or do I just cherish this time for physical intimacy? Do I see intimacy as more about me and getting my needs met? Or do I really see it as more about a coming together, a deeper union for each other? And if the other person isn't ready tonight, then I respect that because I love the person more than I love the physical pleasure. Like, in other words, do you see in these cases where these examples I'm giving are when anger is leading us down an unhealthy pathway towards sinful anger, nevertheless, underneath that, there's some story that's being told, and it could be an opportunity for us to grow and to meet Jesus and to grow in different ways. So we don't want to just suppress the anger. We want to listen to it and then help direct it and guide it in a proper, healthy, virtuous way. Okay, so that's the first of Aquinas three things for us to consider when we're noticing the anger within us. Is it leading me in a healthy way or an unhealthy way and down an unhealthy path? The first thing he says is, am I angry over the right things? We want to just ask ourselves, should I really be angry about this? The second thing we want to ask ourselves is our intentions. What is it that I'm really aiming for in my anger? And, you know, I think happens many times, we don't have a good intention that we're actually not trying. Remember, anger is supposed to lead us toward setting things right, harmonious relationships. But sometimes when I'm angry and I feel like I haven't been treated well and I've been hurt, I just want to make the other person pay. There's a part of me that just wants to make them pay and I wish them harm and I hope that they suffer, and I want to either humiliate them or critique them, or I'm going to shut myself off from them. I'm going to give them the silent treatment for a long time. I'm going to do all these things to just make them pay. I'm not going to include them, I'm not going to invite them. This is not healthy either. We have to examine what is my real intention here. Is my intention really to bring harmony, to bring right relationships, to set things right, or is it to make them pay? And to the extent that I've got this vengeful side of me and just wants to make them pay to that extent, it's my anger is not being helpful here. It's not leading toward setting things right and bringing greater justice in the world. It's probably going to bring in more harm. But even here, again, I think we can still be curious if I notice I've got that part of me. I'm really angry at my spouse, I'm really angry at this co worker, I'm really angry with this relative that's guilt tripping me. But I just want to make them pay. I just want to get even with them. I just hope that they suffer. I should be asking why is it that I'm wanting to make them pay? What is it that is making me want to wish them harm, wish them suffering? What's that vengeful side of me? What is that all about? Sometimes we do that because we just want to protect ourselves. I just need to give myself space from this person that is hurting me and I need time to pull myself together. Or I'm just so hurt and I'm feeling so less than so by criticizing the other, hurting the other person, mocking the other person, making fun of the other person, that helps me to feel superior. Or I say I'm just so holy and righteous and they're just so wicked and unvirtuous. It makes me feel superior. When I'm feeling really hurt, or maybe I feel like I have some agency, I have some level of control when I was just out of control and I was hurt by this other person. So there could be many things going on there and I think so we don't want to just suppress the anger. When we notice, even when our anger is leading us in an unhealthy way, we still want to ask, okay, well what's underneath that? Why is it that I wanted to make this person pay? Why am I wishing them harm? I normally don't wish people harm. What is it that's there? And then that will help me to, to direct the anger in a healthier way. Now there's a third way that we can let our anger lead us down an unhealthy path. So remember Aquinas has three. The first one is the object of our anger. We ask ourselves, what am I really angry about? Is this worth getting angry about? Is this the right thing to be angry about? Secondly, is the one we just considered here our intentions? Is it really just to bring harmonious relationships, to bring repair, to bring restoration of relationships? Or is it about vengeance? Is it about, I just want to make this person suffer, I just want to make them pay? Now, the third, that's the third thing Aquinas says we should consider as we examine our anger. Is the degree of our anger, is it proportionate to what injustice was just committed? Is it proportionate to the harm? So, for example, if you accidentally step on my toe and then I stand up and punch you in the face and shout out explicitives at you, is that proportionate to what just happened? Oh, you just stepped on my toe again. If I raise my voice with a child when they just can't find their shoe or they spilled their drink, is that really proportionate to the injustice that was committed? So I think that's a third thing that we want to consider. And many times this is where we fall into sinful anger, is when there has been an injustice committed against us. This is worth letting our anger drive us to set things right, to set a boundary, to call out the other person, to have a crucial conversation with them on how they're treating us. So it may be a just thing, and I may not be doing it out of vengeance and just wanting to make them pay and wish them harm, but is my degree of anger proportionate to the injustice that was committed? I think that's the third thing Aquinas said we should consider. Now, I want to close with this. Many times our anger is just, but we don't allow ourselves to feel it, to be curious about it, to name it and meet angel, God in it. This is a really important thing. I think we again go back to what I said last week. We could think that anger is just always bad. Well, no, no. Remember, God gave us this passion. He wants us to use it for good. And even when it's not being used all for good, there's still something there that, that, that is, that is responding to a certain injustice. And God wants to bring that out. He wants us to, to meet him in this. And I want to just throw this out there too. Do you actually talk to God about your anger? Do you bring it to him? Do you say, lord, I'm so angry about this. Why is this happening to me? You know, why is this person Treating me this way, do you bring it to the Lord again? I think we. We put a veil over anger. We just think it's always so bad. But God wants us to use it for good. And God's. He's big enough that he can handle our anger. What if you knew that you had permission from God to talk to him candidly about what's upsetting you, what you're angry about, about the injustices committed against you, whether by someone at work or at your parish, maybe even your pastor, maybe the way your spouse treats you, your kids treat you, your parents treated you when you were growing up. And do you really feel you can open up and be candid with God about this? Not in a detached, pious way. Dear God, my parents didn't treat me well when I was growing up, and that hurt. No, no. I'm talking about. Do you pour yourself out with all your feelings, Lord, Why did this happen? I know you're there, Lord, but I felt like I was abandoned in this moment. Where were you in the midst of this? Why did this happen to me? Or why is this situation unfolding in my life right now? And this person is treating me this way? This really hurts when this person always says this and makes fun of me or criticizes me, or this hurts when I'm overlooked, or this hurts when this relative does this to me. Do you feel free to pour out all of your feelings to God without editing your words? Because God is big enough to take on all our pain, all our anger? Just read the book of Job in the Bible. Read the Psalms, read the book of lamentation. Souls are crying out, where are you, God? Why is this happening? God does not want us to turn the anger button off in us. Remember, he's the one that put that anger button there. He put it there for good, to use it for good. He put it there for a reason, and he wants us to use it, yes, in the right way and at the right time and over the right things. But he does want us to use it to motivate us, to set things right, to bring greater goodness and love and justice and harmony in the world, in our friendships and our families and our marriages, and within our own souls when we're not treated well. He wants us to bring the what's coming up for us in our anger to him. He wants us to have a real relationship with our Heavenly Father. He can take it all. He wants us to bring our sorrow, our pain, our shame to him. Because that's what's often underneath anger. And he wants to hold us, to comfort us, to strengthen us, and to heal us. But that can only happen if we don't turn the anger button off and just suppress the anger and think that it's just bad and it's not Christian to be angry. We want to be careful. Remember Aquinas's three ways of how it could mislead us and lead us down paths that aren't helpful. And at the same time, he does want us to be aware of that anger, but listen to what it's trying to tell us and to use it for good. Thanks so much for listening, my friends. If you want to learn more about the passion of anger, how can we use virtuously and unvirtuously? If you want to learn more about the virtues as a whole, check out my book called the Art of Living the Cardinal Virtues and the Freedom to Love. Sam.