Am I Doing It Wrong? – Episode Summary: "Game Changing Online Dating Do's and Don'ts"

Release Date: December 5, 2024

Host/Author: HuffPost

Introduction

In the episode titled "Game Changing Online Dating Do's and Don'ts," hosts Raj Panjabi Johnson and Noah Michelson delve into the intricate world of online dating. Bringing expert insights from Dr. Jenny Young, the episode explores effective strategies, common pitfalls, and transformative methods to enhance one’s online dating experience. By dissecting Dr. Young's innovative "Burned Haystack Method," the hosts aim to equip listeners with the tools to navigate dating apps more successfully, fostering meaningful connections while avoiding typical dating app frustrations.

1. Revisiting Online Dating with Dr. Jenny Young

The episode kicks off with Raj and Noah reintroducing Dr. Jenny Young, a professor at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay, and the architect behind the "Burned Haystack Method." Dr. Young, with her PhD in rhetoric and discourse studies, has transformed the online dating landscape, amassing over 130,000 community members who benefit from her approach to dating apps.

Noah Michelson (03:00): “So we thought we'd bring her back. She is, like I said, one of our favorite people. She's a professor... and she uses those studies for her burned haystack dating method.”

2. Understanding the Burned Haystack Method

Dr. Young introduces the "Burned Haystack Method," a revolutionary approach aimed at simplifying the overwhelming process of online dating. Drawing an analogy from the proverbial needle in a haystack, her method emphasizes eliminating unsuitable matches swiftly to allow genuine connections to surface naturally.

Dr. Jenny Young (03:38): “Your goal is to rule people out to burn that haystack, which then allows those needles to naturally emerge.”

This method is not only efficient but also grounded in feminist principles, ensuring it is protective and empowering, especially for women and non-binary individuals navigating the often tumultuous online dating scene.

Raj Panjabi Johnson (05:13): “People who lie about their age are disrespecting a boundary. It's a huge red flag. It needs to be treated as such.”

3. Identifying Common Red Flags in Online Dating

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around recognizing and addressing red flags within dating profiles. Dr. Young highlights several red flags, emphasizing their importance in maintaining healthy and respectful connections.

a. The "No Drama" Declaration

One prevalent red flag is the frequent use of phrases like "No Drama" in profiles, often capitalized to grab attention. Dr. Young explains that this signals a lack of emotional maturity and a potential inability to engage meaningfully with others.

Dr. Jenny Young (06:28): “It signals two really important things. The first is that you're dealing with someone who is probably not capable of interacting with another human being in a way that recognizes that other human being as, like, a complex and three-dimensional person.”

Noah echoes this sentiment, noting the futility of such declarations in preventing actual drama.

Noah Michelson (08:09): “Saying no drama doesn't make drama disappear. It doesn't make people who maybe are dramatic think, that's not me.”

b. Minimal Text in Profiles

Another red flag discussed is profiles with minimal or vague textual information, relying heavily on photos. Dr. Young believes this often indicates a lack of seriousness about finding a meaningful relationship.

Dr. Jenny Young (08:35): “If you're looking for long-term monogamy, it odds are that's not going to be your person.”

However, she also offers a caveat, acknowledging that some individuals might be shy or prefer letting their personalities emerge over time.

Dr. Jenny Young (09:48): “If there's nothing that's turning you off, I would not block that person. I would at least kind of wait and see what happens.”

c. Age Misrepresentation

The issue of individuals lying about their age is extensively covered. Dr. Young categorizes this as both a lie and a boundary violation, undermining the trust essential for any potential relationship.

Dr. Jenny Young (11:24): “It's a lie, right? And it's also a boundary violation.”

Noah adds a personal touch, sharing his experiences with age misrepresentation on dating platforms.

Noah Michelson (13:12): “I was like, I just would rather weed out the people who don't want to meet me because I'm over 40, then show up and I've lied and now we have an awkward face to face.”

4. Crafting an Effective Dating Profile

The hosts and Dr. Young discuss the elements of a successful dating profile, emphasizing authenticity and clarity.

Noah Michelson (08:35): “If you're looking for a long-term monogamous partnership, it odds are that's not going to be your person.”

Dr. Young advises against overloading profiles with personal vulnerabilities or sensitive information, recommending instead to reveal such details during the progression of communication.

Dr. Jenny Young (17:35): “I do not think any information like that should be on a dating app, whether it's personal health data or past trauma.”

This approach helps in avoiding premature judgments and allows for a more nuanced understanding of potential matches.

5. Mastering the First Message: Do's and Don'ts

A crucial aspect of online dating success is the initial interaction. The hosts and Dr. Young offer actionable advice on crafting the perfect opening message to spark meaningful conversations.

Dr. Jenny Young (23:43): “I always tell people the first message should be short, but it should specifically reference something in the person's profile.”

Raj Panjabi Johnson (24:08): “You look like you love to travel.”

Noah shares his own strategies, highlighting the importance of creativity and sincerity over generic greetings.

Noah Michelson (24:10): “When I was doing it, I would always pick something from their profile and try and make a little joke about it.”

The emphasis is on personalization and avoiding clichés, which often lead to disengagement.

6. Navigating Personal Vulnerabilities and Boundaries

The conversation shifts to handling sensitive personal information within dating profiles. Questions arise about the appropriateness of sharing deep personal experiences, such as health issues or past traumas, on dating platforms.

Raj Panjabi Johnson (16:48): “I might be coming from a place where, like, this is my whole identity… you deserve to keep some things for yourself until that first date or a second or third conversation.”

Dr. Jenny Young (17:37): “I do not think any information like that should be on a dating app... You don't want to give them any kind of really personal information that could be weaponized or exploited.”

The consensus leans towards caution, advising individuals to share personal stories once a certain level of trust and rapport has been established through conversation.

7. Slow Burn vs. Immediate Spark: Finding What Works for You

A segment of the episode explores the debate between seeking an immediate spark versus nurturing a slow-burning connection. Dr. Young presents research suggesting that while instant chemistry is appealing, it may not always equate to lasting love.

Dr. Jenny Young (37:42): “I think chemistry is real. There are people who feel immediate chemistry too. But some narratives suggest that potential can lead to great relationships even if the spark isn't there initially.”

Noah Michelson (38:12): “When I met Benji... I did have a spark when I met him, so it's not the same situation. But taking that time and really getting to know him before we got physical, that was a game changer for me.”

The discussion highlights the value of allowing relationships to develop organically, arguing that a shared spark isn't the sole indicator of compatibility and long-term success.

8. Exploring Alternatives to Online Dating

Acknowledging the challenges of online dating, the hosts discuss alternative methods to meet potential partners. Dr. Young introduces innovative real-life initiatives and traditional approaches that facilitate meaningful connections outside the digital sphere.

Dr. Jenny Young (41:24): “You can join activities you love, like a running club or a book club, to meet like-minded individuals.”

Raj Panjabi Johnson (43:08): “In South Asian culture, there's a lot of setups... That's lovely.”

The emphasis is on participating in community events and leveraging personal networks to find compatible partners, which often result in more authentic and lasting relationships.

9. Key Takeaways: Better in Five

Towards the end of the episode, Raj and Noah distill their conversation into five actionable takeaways, encapsulating the essence of their discussion.

1. Honesty About Age: "People who lie about their age are disrespecting a boundary. It's a huge red flag. It needs to be treated as such." (49:17)

2. Protect Personal Information: "Jenny advises not putting super personal info on your profile. Wait until you can have a more nuanced conversation about it." (49:26)

3. Personalized Opening Messages: "Your first opening message should always be personalized and ideally, cute and funny. If nothing else, earnest is great too." (49:35)

4. Avoid Rushing to Meet: "Don't be pressured into meeting right away. Establishing a bit of a rapport is always a good thing." (49:45)

5. Spark Isn’t Everything: "There's a lot to be said about butterflies and having that first spark, but it's not the be all end. And potential can lead to great things, too." (49:51)

These takeaways serve as a concise guide for listeners to enhance their online dating strategies effectively.

10. Reflection and Personal Insights

In the concluding segments, Raj and Noah reflect on the insights gained from the episode, emphasizing the broader applicability of the advice beyond online dating.

Raj Panjabi Johnson (50:05): “I want to be less afraid to say what I want in a compassionate but honest way.”

Noah Michelson (50:28): “I love the idea of setting up boundaries. Whether it's on dating apps or at work or friendships, that seems really useful.”

They highlight the importance of authenticity, setting boundaries, and being direct—principles that resonate across various facets of personal and professional relationships.

Conclusion

"Game Changing Online Dating Do's and Don'ts" offers a comprehensive exploration of effective online dating practices, enriched by expert insights from Dr. Jenny Young. By introducing the Burned Haystack Method and addressing common pitfalls, the episode provides listeners with actionable strategies to foster genuine connections while safeguarding their emotional well-being. The collaborative dialogue between Raj, Noah, and Dr. Young underscores the significance of honesty, personalization, and thoughtful communication in the pursuit of meaningful relationships. Whether you're a seasoned online dater or new to the scene, this episode serves as a valuable resource to navigate the complexities of modern dating with confidence and integrity.

Notable Quotes

• "If you're looking for someone who read my profile..." —Dr. Jenny Young (17:37)

• "Being direct is very gendered. I think, like, we don't let..." —Raj Panjabi Johnson (34:00)

• "We’re in create an era with dating app communications where we need to de. Standardize." —Dr. Jenny Young (22:30)

Further Resources

Listeners interested in implementing the Burned Haystack Method or seeking additional guidance on online dating are encouraged to join Dr. Jenny Young's growing community. Engaging with such communities can provide ongoing support, shared experiences, and continuous learning opportunities to enhance one’s dating journey.

For more episodes and insightful discussions, subscribe to "Am I Doing It Wrong?" on your preferred podcast platform.