Podcast Summary: "How to Make a Breakup as Healthy as Possible"

Podcast: Am I Doing It Wrong?
Hosts: Raj Punjabi Johnson & Noah Michelson (HuffPost)
Guest: Shadeen Francis (Psychotherapist, Sex Therapist, Cultural Strategist)
Air Date: February 19, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the perennial anxiety around breakups, asking: Are we doing them wrong—and is there a way to make a breakup as healthy as possible? With guidance from psychotherapist and sex therapist Shadeen Francis, the hosts explore best practices for navigating breakups with kindness, clarity, and self-awareness. The conversation challenges cultural scripts, addresses practical logistics, and provides emotional strategies for both initiators and recipients of breakups.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Before You Break Up: Check In With Yourself

• Recognize patterns versus one-off issues:
  • "Folks go from, oh, something’s wrong to should we break up?... is this a feeling? Is this a reaction to a moment? Are we in an immediate crisis or has this been, like, brewing for some time?" (Shadeen, 04:16)
• Patience as a skill:
  • Emotional tolerance means creating space to be intentional instead of reactive.
  • Even a three-second pause can change the tone of a conflict or pivotal conversation.
  • "You don’t notice how long three seconds is until you’re in conflict or in a conversation like this." (Shadeen, 07:57)

2. Breakup Logistics: Where, When, and How

• Safety first:
  • For anyone at risk (physical, financial, emotional), prioritize public spaces, support, and personal safety.
• Neutral or their space:
  • "Neutral space is usually pretty good. Or… doing it at their place… allowing someone to be in their comfort space and not have to take a 45-minute train ride after this." (Shadeen, 10:00)
• Remote breakups sometimes make sense:
  • In long distance situations, a call, FaceTime, or even text may be necessary, but context matters.

3. The Emotional Practice: Aim For a Good Goodbye

• Take the high road for yourself:
  • "If we can aim for a good goodbye, it does all of us a great service to not continue to put… harmful or negative energy out." (Shadeen, 13:01)
• Ethical and emotional consequences:
  • How you end things impacts your growth, future relationships, and sense of self.
  • "There is no erasure of history… the way that we close does impact the way that we open." (Shadeen, 15:25)

4. How To Break Up: Communication Tools

• Clear and kind:
  • "Be as clear as you can, be as kind as you can." (Shadeen, 19:03)
• Use true feeling words:
  • Not just "I feel disrespected," but “I feel sad, angry, numb, afraid."
  • Move beyond stories to the actual emotion.
• Responding to their emotions:
  • Hold space for anger, sadness, confusion.
  • Acknowledge their feelings; empathy is key.
  • “They are allowed to have the feelings that they feel… this is a point in time for empathy and compassion.” (Shadeen, 20:48-21:53)

5. Common Breakup Dilemmas

• Breakups without a ‘reason’:
  • Trust your clarity—if the "spark" is missing, that’s a valid reason.
  • Cultural scripts often pressure people to wait for a “real” reason.
  • "The kind and clear and respectful thing… is to have a good ending that allows them to be in a relationship with someone who is excited to be in a relationship." (Shadeen, 23:30)
• Ghosting & the Slow Fade:
  • “My honest position… is that [ghosting] is unkind.” (Shadeen, 27:42)
  • Ghosting creates confusion and compounded grief; the antidote is direct communication—even if brief.
  • "You wouldn’t ghost someone in person… imagine how weird that would be." (Shadeen, 28:03)

6. Aftermath: Coping and Self-Care

• Pacing matters:
  • The person initiating the breakup has a head start on grieving; if you’re on the receiving end, give yourself time to catch up.
• Embrace all the feelings:
  • “Grieve. Right. Weep. Turn to your people.” (Shadeen, 36:01)
  • Healthy coping strategies include therapy, social support, exercise, and activities that make you feel alive.
• Tool variety:
  • "If we only have one thing… heartbreak is deeply painful and recovery is slow… we’re probably going to need more than one thing." (Shadeen, 38:29)
• Vices are normal, but be intentional:
  • Okay to reach for numbing—but know your motivation and monitor for patterns.

7. Timelines and Moving On

• No magic number:
  • “Your grief doesn’t care… it’s going to take as long as it takes.” (Shadeen, 41:03)
  • Grieving is proportional to how much you loved and the life/future you imagined.
  • Timeline mantras (e.g., "grieve for half the time you dated") can be soothing, but life resists neat formulas.

8. Friendship with Exes

• Case by case:
  • Possible if sufficient time and growth have occurred, and intentions are clear.
  • Sometimes the urge is about avoiding grief, which can inhibit personal growth and new relationships.
  • "If being friends with you is going to make me unable to move forward...that doesn’t mean you’re not going to have feelings, but…what are my friendships about and does this relationship meet that?" (Shadeen, 44:57)

9. Social Media Management

• Consider muting/blocking for healing:
  • Seeing your ex’s updates is like having them walk by your window; it complicates closure.
  • "If you’re trying to detox something, the least helpful thing… is like, do a little..." (Shadeen, 52:16)
  • Use block or mute to protect your healing process.

10. Culture, Identity, and Grieving

• Cultural context matters:
  • Queer communities often model innovative, chosen-family approaches to post-breakup relationships.
  • Gender norms affect grieving: women may have more social permission to grieve openly; men less so, impacting coping and access to support.
  • "Men are not generally socialized to have actual access to spaces where they can talk about feelings..." (Shadeen, 56:34+)
• Loneliness epidemic:
  • Some, especially straight men, lack community in moments of crisis.

11. Rekindling/Backsliding

• Reuniting is possible—with real change:
  • If getting back together, "what have you done already that’s going to make that possible?"
  • Without growth, you risk repeating old patterns.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• "The way that we close does impact the way we open... It costs us something ethically, spiritually, emotionally to do harm when it could have been prevented."
  — Shadeen Francis (15:25)

• "Clear and kind. Be as clear as you can, be as kind as you can."
  — Shadeen Francis (19:03)

• "Ghosting is unkind…we wouldn’t do that in person."
  — Shadeen Francis (27:42, 28:03)

• "Healing is relational. Healing is a relationship."
  — Shadeen Francis (39:44)

• "Grieving sucks. It sucks to be in pain. Grief is a spiritual experience, it’s an emotional experience, it’s a physical experience…your grief will be proportional to how much you loved."
  — Shadeen Francis (41:15, 42:47)

• "Relationally, what we practice, we become."
  — Shadeen Francis (33:11)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro & framing – 02:02
• Before you break up: self check-in – 04:16
• When to call it quits and patience as emotional skill – 05:36, 06:54
• Breakup logistics: where, when, how – 09:53–12:29
• Good goodbye & self-respect – 13:01–15:52
• Speaking your feelings (I statements, emotions vs. stories) – 17:30–18:37
• Responding to the other person’s emotions – 19:54–21:53
• No ‘real reason’ breakups & the “spark” myth – 22:53–24:57
• Ghosting, slow fade, and technology’s impact – 27:42–28:35
• Carrying breakups forward; habit and character – 32:47–33:43
• Coping after a breakup – 35:52–39:44
• Timelines and grief myths – 41:03–42:47
• Should you be friends with your ex? – 43:11–46:41
• Breakup sex and blocking their socials – 49:00–54:28
• Culture, gender, and grieving – 55:10–61:01
• Should you get back together? Backsliding – 61:01–64:21
• Top 5 takeaways/BETTER IN FIVE segment – 66:02–67:46

BETTER IN FIVE – Top Five Takeaways

(from 66:02)

1. Aim for a clear & kind goodbye.
2. If you’re breaking up, consider doing it at the other person’s home or a neutral place.
3. Ghosting is never the move—be direct.
4. There’s no set timeline for grieving; give yourself as much time as you need.
5. Consider blocking or muting your ex on social media to create helpful distance.

Final Thoughts

This episode underscores that breakups are seldom easy, but intentionality, honesty, and compassion (for yourself and others) can turn them into occasions for growth. Whether you’re ending a romance, coping with heartbreak, or supporting a friend, the skills discussed—self-reflection, clear communication, community reliance, and kind boundaries—are universally applicable.

"Relationally, what we practice, we become." — Shadeen Francis (33:11)