Podcast Summary: Am I Doing It Wrong? – Episode: Understanding Grief

Introduction

In the November 7, 2024 episode of Am I Doing It Wrong?, hosted by Noah Michelson of HuffPost, the conversation pivots to a profoundly human experience: grief. Typically co-hosted by Raj Punjabi-Johnson, Raj is absent for this episode as the topic of grief is a personal trigger for her. Instead, Lindsay Holmes, Senior Wellness Editor at HuffPost, joins Noah to navigate the complex landscape of grief alongside esteemed expert Dr. Catherine Shear.

Defining Grief

The episode kicks off with a heartfelt introduction where both hosts share their personal losses, setting a compassionate tone for the discussion. At [03:55], Dr. Catherine Shear, Marion E. Kenworthy Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University and founding director of the Center for Prolonged Grief, joins the conversation.

What is Grief?

• Dr. Shear's Definition: At [04:07], Dr. Shear clarifies that grief is fundamentally "the response to loss." She emphasizes its multifaceted nature, highlighting that grief encompasses a wide range of emotions and experiences unique to each individual and each loss.

• Unique Aspects of Grief: At [07:46], Dr. Shear distinguishes grief from general sadness by focusing on elements like yearning, longing, and the persistent presence of memories related to the lost individual. She introduces the concept of "sadi," a Portuguese term meaning "the presence of absence," capturing the duality of feeling both the presence and absence of the loved one.

Manifestations of Grief

• Emotional Spectrum: At [06:24], Lindsay Holmes brings up the varied emotional responses to grief—anger, denial, and emptiness being common alongside sadness. Dr. Shear concurs, noting that while sadness is prevalent, it's the unique longing and preoccupying thoughts that set grief apart.

• Physical Symptoms: At [12:00], Dr. Shear outlines the physical manifestations of grief, such as gastrointestinal issues, appetite loss, sleep disturbances, and general bodily discomfort. Noah Michelson shares his personal experience of feeling a "physical void in my chest" when grieving his father, underscoring the somatic aspect of grief.

Normal vs. Complicated Grief

• Adaptive Process: At [18:14], Dr. Shear explains that there isn't a strict timeline for grieving. Instead, the focus is on adapting to a new reality post-loss, which involves accepting the permanence of the loss and gradually restoring one's capacity for well-being.

• Signs of Prolonged Grief: At [25:21], the conversation shifts to recognizing when grief might be complicating one's life. Dr. Shear highlights that prolonged grief keeps the individual stuck in a state of yearning and disconnection, impeding the ability to reconnect with others and engage with life fully.

Handling Unexpected Grief Triggers

• Honoring Anniversaries and Random Moments: At [27:09], Lindsay Holmes shares her experience of grief resurfacing unexpectedly, such as during anniversaries. Dr. Shear advises honoring these moments by allowing oneself to feel and commemorating the loved one in meaningful ways, such as spending quiet time or engaging in activities that celebrate their memory.

Supporting Others Through Grief

• What Not to Say: At [32:32], Dr. Shear emphasizes avoiding phrases aimed at making the grieving person "feel better," as they often inadvertently shut down the grieving process. Instead, she advocates for being present and allowing the person to share their memories and emotions without judgment.

• Effective Support Strategies: At [49:27], Dr. Shear advises showing support through actions tailored to the griever's needs, such as bringing food, helping with tasks, or simply being there to listen. Understanding that the grieving person's capacity for reciprocity is diminished during this time is crucial for providing meaningful support.

Debunking the Five Stages of Grief

• Critique of Popular Models: At [44:10], Dr. Shear critiques the widely recognized five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), noting the lack of empirical evidence supporting their linear progression. However, she acknowledges their popularity stems from offering a comforting framework for understanding the tumultuous experience of grief.

Medical Interventions in Grief

• Role of Antidepressants: At [46:55], Dr. Shear discusses the limited efficacy of antidepressants in treating grief specifically. While they may alleviate associated depressive or anxiety symptoms, grief itself is best addressed through specialized grief therapy rather than medication alone.

Takeaways

In the episode's concluding segment, Better in Five, the hosts summarize key insights:

1. Grief as a Response to Loss: Grief encompasses a wide range of emotions and is fundamentally a reaction to losing something or someone significant ([51:18]).

2. Diverse Manifestations: Grief can manifest both psychologically and physically, varying greatly among individuals ([51:28]).

3. Acceptance as a Pathway: Accepting the reality of the loss is crucial for beginning to process grief ([51:34]).

4. Avoid "Fixing" Grief: Attempting to make someone feel better can hinder their grieving process ([51:41]).

5. Celebrate Memories: Talking about the deceased helps keep their memory alive and can be therapeutic ([51:47]).

Personal Reflections

Lindsay Holmes and Noah Michelson share their personal reflections on grappling with grief, reinforcing the episode's message that there is no "right" way to grieve. Lindsay admits to previously shaming herself for not reacting as expected, while Noah discusses the evolving nature of his grief over time, including the distress of losing memories of his late father.

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with a reaffirmation of empathy and understanding, encouraging listeners to honor their own grief and support others without imposing predefined notions of how grief should be experienced. The hosts invite listeners to share their thoughts and experiences, fostering a community of shared understanding and compassion.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Catherine Shear [04:12]: "Grief is the response to loss. It's a simple definition that belies the complexity and variability of grief."

• Dr. Shear [07:46]: "The heart of grief, which makes it unique, is yearning and longing and preoccupying thoughts and memories of the person who died."

• Dr. Shear [25:54]: "If grief keeps yearning and longing at the center stage in your mind, you can't really connect with other people."

• Dr. Shear [33:12]: "You cannot make grief better. But you can share it and be there for them."

• Dr. Shear [38:15]: "Sharing stories is something that people always appreciate. They really always appreciate that."

Final Thoughts

"Understanding Grief" serves as a compassionate guide for anyone navigating the tumultuous waters of loss. By debunking myths, acknowledging the multifaceted nature of grief, and offering practical advice for both the grieving and their supporters, this episode provides valuable insights into embracing and processing one of life's most challenging emotions.