Anthony Robbins – Get the Edge Day 3 Disc 2

Podcast Host: roadparc
Date: January 19, 2017
Theme: Maximizing the Quality of Your Relationships

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the foundations of creating and sustaining fulfilling intimate relationships. Tony Robbins coaches listeners through a step-by-step process to gain clarity about what they truly want in a partner, the importance of honest self-reflection, and the dynamics that make or break a relationship. Robbins emphasizes self-honesty, proactive selection, and actionable strategies for both finding and nurturing extraordinary connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Importance of Clarity and Selection

• Clarifying Your Desires Upfront:
  Robbins stresses that to avoid repeating negative relationship patterns, you must get clear about your standards and what you truly want—before emotions "hypnotize" you into unwise choices.

  • "You aren’t deciding in advance the exact qualities of a person you want. You don’t have a strong enough standard." (02:03)
  • "Clarity is power. The more clear you are on precisely what it is you want, the easier it is to attract." (05:38)

• Self-Honesty:
  Facing the truth about your needs and the reality of your current relationship is critical for fulfillment.

  • “If there’s a theme for a fulfilling life, it’s self-honesty.” (03:35)

2. The Mate-from-Heaven and Mate-from-Hell Exercise

• Exercise Steps:

  • Write out, in vivid detail, the characteristics of your ideal (mate-from-heaven) partner—mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
    • “Describe the ultimate relationship. Not based on what you’re willing to settle for. Just what do I really want?” (06:20)
  • If you’re struggling, start with what you absolutely could NOT stand (mate-from-hell), then reverse it to find your must-haves.
    • “Describe the mate from hell...with all the passion you have!” (11:26)

• Refining Your List:
  After listing, identify the truly non-negotiable "musts"—qualities you cannot live without.

  • “It’s very, very important to define which ones are the musts and to be very, very specific here.” (14:07)

3. Real-World Examples

• Listener Examples:
  Robbins shares sample lists from past workshop participants, illustrating common must-haves (integrity, parallel spiritual path, open-heartedness, sense of humor, adventure, etc.)

• Handling Conflicting Desires:
  Example given where a participant’s desired traits were contradictory (e.g., someone passionate and family-oriented, but not making family the top priority), showing how clarity brings conflicts to light.

4. Self-Reflection: Becoming the Partner You Seek

• Personal Accountability:
  Robbins encourages you to assess who you must become to attract or nurture your ideal partner.

  • “You need to become the kind of person you want to find. Like attracts like.” (23:12)
  • Are you exhibiting the qualities you'd expect from your partner?
    • “Are you being giving? Are you being petty? Because you may be actually behaving in a way that's on somebody else’s must-never list and not even realizing it.” (16:54)

• Workshop Participant Voices:

  • Pamela:
    • Emphasizes unconditional love, nurturing interests and family, active listening, fun, spirituality, and gratitude.

      "Most importantly, I always need to come from a place of love… I need to nurture my own interests and career… and put him and our family first." (18:50)

  • Scott:
    • Focuses on honesty, creativity, humor, kindness, open communication, and flexibility.

      "I have to be honest, creative, funny, offbeat, outside the box, kind, loving, accommodating, flexible, an open communicator, driven by values, intelligent and nurturing." (20:31)

5. Honest Ratings and Open Communication

• Rating Your Relationship:
  Robbins instructs listeners to rate both their partner and themselves (on their respective must-lists) honestly from 0-10.

  • “Honesty is the greatest power you have.” (23:59)
  • “Don’t come from the place of I made a list and you don’t match it… Instead… ask them, say, I want to be all I can be for you.” (26:24)

• The Power of Shared Reflection:
  Having both partners independently make their lists and then share them is crucial for deepening intimacy and transparency.

6. The Four R's of Relationship Breakdown

• Stages of Destruction:
  Robbins introduces the "Four R's", a framework borrowed from Dr. John Gray & Dr. Barbara DeAngelis:

  1. Resistance: Small annoyances are ignored.
  2. Resentment: Upsets accumulate, emotion escalates.
  3. Rejection: Expressed anger, criticism; emotional distancing begins.
  4. Repression: Passion dims, you're "roommates" instead of lovers.
  • “If you don’t deal with [resistance], it goes to resentment. If you don’t deal with that resentment, it goes to the third R, rejection… And then repression.” (37:10)

7. Stories from Tony’s Personal Experience

• Leaving an Unaligned Relationship:
  Robbins recounts the emotional challenge of ending a long-term marriage, emphasizing it wasn’t about blame, but about radically different goals and values.

  "It wasn’t that she was a bad person and I was a good person or vice versa. It was just a different world because I didn’t have these skills when I was 24." (47:03)

• Lessons in Giving and Receiving:
  Tony’s evolving relationships taught him that always being the giver can rob others of the chance to give back.

  "Are you going to rob me of the pleasure of paying for this lunch? Are you that selfish?" (Tony recalls the wisdom from a mentor, 55:18)

8. Action Steps for Listeners

• If in a Relationship:

  • Make a list of “magic moments” you’ve shared; celebrate and acknowledge them.
  • Create a massive action plan (MAP) to enhance your relationship immediately with intentional gestures.
  • Have an honest, eyes-open, heart-to-heart discussion about your lists, goals, and needs.
  • Invest regular, quality time together—a minimum of three special moments per month, and a multi-day getaway each quarter.

• If a Relationship Isn’t Working:
  Robbins recommends honest evaluation and, if deeply unaligned, the courage to end it responsibly and constructively:

  “The only real failure is to continue through a process that you know is not fulfilling for you and can’t be for someone else.” (60:44)

• If You’re Single:

  • Develop a “marketing plan”—deliberately place yourself in environments aligned with your desired partner’s qualities (e.g., seminars, church, classes).

    “You’ve got to go in the environments where you’re most likely to meet the kind of person who’s going to live the way you live. Value what you value.” (67:06)

  • Recruit friends as your “marketing team” to help spot or introduce you to aligned prospects.

9. Maintaining and Growing Relationships

• Stacking Magic Moments:
  Continuously collecting positive memories helps anchor passion and gratitude, helping weather inevitable tough times.

• Continued Alignment and Growth:
  Regularly discussing and setting goals together, and reflecting on what’s working, sustains momentum and deepens the connection.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On clarity and selection:

  “The purpose of a relationship is to magnify your human emotions… If you’re in a relationship with someone who has different goals and a different nature and different values, you’re going to magnify the negative emotions, aren’t you?” (03:01)

• On self-responsibility:

  “You need to become the kind of person you want to find. Like attracts like. Water seeks its own level.” (23:12)

• On honest communication:

  “If your relationship is that weak, you don’t have a relationship and you might as well deal with it now instead of living with a low grade level of fear all your life.” (27:10)

• On ending relationships:

  “The only real failure is to continue through a process that you know is not fulfilling for you and can’t be for someone else.” (60:44)

• On the magic of aligned partnership:

  “To be in a place where somebody can challenge you with love, or somebody can come back at you and say, ‘what about this? what about that?’ is so stimulating… we're so similar and yet we have our own point of view, which is so wonderful.” (63:12)

Important Timestamps for Segments

• Getting clear about what you want – The need for standards: 02:03 – 06:00
• Describing your ideal partner and “mate-from-hell” exercise: 06:20 – 15:32
• Identifying non-negotiable “musts” in a partner: 14:07 – 17:18
• Assessing yourself as a potential partner: 16:54 – 23:50
• Listener/participant examples (Pamela, Scott): 18:46 – 20:40
• Honest ratings and self-introspection: 23:59 – 26:22
• The Four R’s of Relationship Breakdown: 37:10 – 41:38
• Tony’s personal stories on relationship evolution: 47:03 – 63:12
• ACTION PLAN (in or out of a relationship): 67:43 – 71:10
• Stacking magic moments and final strategies: 69:10 – 71:29

Key Takeaways

• Clarity in what you want in a partner is everything.
• You must become the person you seek to attract.
• Honesty—with yourself and your partner—builds the foundation for lasting love or the courage to walk away.
• Relationships thrive on action, shared goals, and continually celebrating and stacking positive shared moments.
• If single, be proactive and intentional about where and how you seek connection.
• Principles of selection, self-honesty, and personal growth are vital for an extraordinary relationship.

Robbins’ Final Reminders:
“Know what it is you really want. Know what you don’t want. Know what your musts are. Know who you gotta be. And every day that you work on yourself and... focus on what you want to create in your relationship... you can make this happen at the level you deserve.”

Live with passion!