A (20:05)
Very nice. If you do that, you probably attract just about anybody. Okay, that was Pamela. Now, if you listen to her list, she's describing all the ways she needs to be and what she needs to do to create that quality of life. And you know darn well if she really does that, who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person who values themselves and their life and their relationship and their family so much? But also, it goes to point out again that if she's in a relationship with someone who really doesn't want kids or family, is not their focus and never will be, it's not their nature, then it's probably not going to be a great team fit. And you got to notice that early on in the relationship or otherwise you'll be torn up because you're going to be having this tremendous connection with them, but realizing in order to meet their needs, you have to give up some of yours. Have you ever been in that place before? So this is why it's so important to do this. So let's hear from Scott. Scott actually owns the studio. Scott, step up and tell us, who do you have to become in order to have this kind of person that you desire most in your life? My list looks a lot like the ideal mates list, except for the short skirt part. But it mainly comes down to, to boil it down, I have to be honest, creative, funny, offbeat, outside the box, kind, loving, accommodating, flexible, an open communicator, driven by values, intelligent and nurturing. Very nice. Thank you. Very good. Thank you. All right, let's do a quick recap. We've talked about the most important relationship that has to be solid is the one with yourself. You've got to consistently demonstrate love to yourself. Second, we said the most important element in creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship is in selection. Because no matter what you do to try and change or improve somebody else, if their nature is different than your own, they're not gonna wanna change and improve into what you think you need. You gotta start out with someone who at least has enough things in common. Not just they can do the job, but they will do because they have goals that are complementary to your own. They have a nature that will be reinforced in your relationship. If you're one of those people that's effusive and rewarding, they love that, not they hate someone who's like that? So that's very, very important. Do you have the same values? Does the team fit there? Then we said in order to know that, you can't wait till you get attracted because if that happens, you're gonna find yourself in relationship after relationship in reaction, rather than consc. Deciding what you want to bring into your life. And by the way, most of the time, if you have ongoing upsets in a relationship, I don't mean an upset about a particular situation or reaction, I mean ongoing challenges. It's because you didn't make an effective selection. So this is so important. So we said in order to do that, get clear, what are the exercises we've gone through? One, describe the mate from heaven who is your ultimate desired mate. Number two, describe your mate from hell so you know what you don't want. Number three, decide which of these are your musts. Yes, you want them all, but what are the absolute must for you? The ones you can't live without and the ones you can't live with. Four, describe the kind of person you would have to become in order to attract the person you want or to track those qualities out of a relationship you're already in. So now five, this is where you got to get honest. If you're in a relationship, I want you to go through your list and I want you to rate 0 to 10. Where is this person you're in a relationship with? You? Meaning if honesty is the most important thing, are they a 10? Absolutely. Totally honest. Are they a 7? 3/4 honest? Are they a 2? Once in a while they tell you the truth. Where are they really? On your musts and on the things you want to move away from. Where are they there? Are they mostly there? Are they not there? Do they cover any of these? None of these. I want you to be clear now when you do this, you might start to go, wow, that's kind of difficult. You know, this is a little uncomfortable. But you know what? Honesty is the greatest power you have. Now I'm not talking about coming from ego, because after you've evaluated your current partner, see where you are on your must list. I want you to evaluate yourself and say, how many of these things am I really being that I said I'd have to be. Cause it's a two way street, right? In fact, if you really want to get honest, you'd say, what does my partner want most in a relationship? What are their musts and am I really delivering? If you really are smart, when you finish this tape today, you'll Go ask them to describe to you or even write it down, what are the musts in their relationship? What do they really want in a relationship with you and what don't they want? Because while you think you may know, you may not know exactly, the person may not have felt was a safe place to share it with you. So if you really want to enhance your relatedness, which is what relationship is, you can't relate to someone unless you share what's really true. So first I'd have them share with you, describe to them what you want to be for them and then ask them what are the musts for you? And let them know you're really working because you want to give to them all that they deserve. Don't come from the place of I made a list and you don't match it. This won't usually develop a great deal of rapport, right? This will end the conversation quickly. So instead ask them, say, I want to be all I can be for you. I've made a list of what I think you need, but I don't know. Please tell me and get them to share or get them to write it down. Because this is where you start to have a real breakthrough in your relationship when you can have that kind of honesty. Most people are so afraid to share because they're afraid they're going to offend the other person or they're afraid the other person will feel judged and unloved or that, you know, if we start talking about it, you know, this thing may fall apart. Listen, if your relationship is that weak, you don't have a relationship and you might as well deal with it now instead of living with a low grade level of fear all your life that makes you feel sick inside. Let's just face it right on. And let's figure how to make it better. Let's figure out how to make it stronger. If the relationship is great, let's take it to another level. If it's fantastic, if it's okay, let's make it great. If it's terrible, let's acknowledge it and let's change the quality of the relationship. Or let's change the relationship. Let's get out. Let's make a decision. Let's be real. This is a part in a workshop where it gets a little uncomfortable for some people. So here's your exercise. I want you now to go through your list of musts and rate your partner 0 to 10. 10, is they absolutely there? 0 is not at all. Only on your musts and then on the away from list, do they live though Some of the time, most time, all the time. Take a good look at that. Then the third step is go to your own list. What do you think on that list of the musts for your partner? And rate yourself 0 to 10 on each of those. Remember, we said to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be? You got to first know where you really are. If I have a map and I know where I'm going, I know my target, but I don't know where I am on the map. The map is worthless and I'm not going to get where I want to go. You must know truthfully where you are. No matter how great it is, it could be better. No matter how bad it is, it could be better. But whatever it is, we got to know the truth will set you free. So take the time right now to score your relationship and score yourself. But when you score yourself, score it as if your partner was scoring you, not you scoring yourself, saying, yeah, baby, I'm the best. Now, if you're not in a relationship, here's what I want you to do. I want you to score yourself alone. Where are you if you're going to track someone of that caliber? How many of these things are musts on your list? The way you describe yourself, you describe all these things you have to be. But which are the musts to attract the kind of person you want? Asterisk the musts and Then rate yourself 0 to 10. Be really clear. Go for it. Okay, now you know where you really stand. Things may be great, things may be magnificent, but you want more, don't you? That's the nature of human beings, you know? If it's great, you want more of it. You want to expand it. If things are not so good, at least you know that too. And you're being honest with yourself about the role you're playing in it. Because this isn't all about, well, someone else isn't meeting my needs. That's not what relationship's about. Remember, relationship's a place you go to give, not a place you go to get. And if you're giving all that you can possibly give and you've made the right selection, the person's going to give back to you because it's their nature to do it if you made the right selection. So now let's take a look at where you really stand. What do you got to do? Well, first of all, if you're in a relationship and the must needs you have are being met, celebrate For God's sakes, go acknowledge them. Say, listen, you know what? I made this list. I'm listening to silly tape with this guy, Tony Robbins. I made this list of all these things I really want in a relationship. And I circled all my musts. And you know what? I really was honest with myself, and I went through them. And you hit every single one of them. You are so amazing. I am so grateful for you. That'll create a little spark. That kind of sincere acknowledgement will absolutely enhance the relationship and say, you know, I was making a list of things that I really want to be for you, and I don't know, these are the things I thought would be most important. What's most important to you? Because I want to do more of that. If you're in a relationship, conversely, and you discover some of the musts are just not there, the next question you got to ask yourself is, what would you have to do to meet more of this person's needs? So they want to be that way, so they want to share that way. I don't want you to assume that they'll never do that, because being pessimistic in a relationship never made any relationship better. And running to the next relationship is not the answer. Because the problem is when you leave this relationship and you go to another one, it'll be fine for a while. But when you leave this relationship, you'll take you with you. In a very short period of time, you'll have some of the same challenges again, because the same patterns are there. So first, focus on what you need to do to make it better. Then there's a third option. You may be in a relationship, and you may have selected somebody years ago, weeks ago, months ago. But the truth of the matter is your natures are not aligned. It's not that you don't love the person. It's not that you don't care about them. It's just that you constantly bump into the four R's. Let me walk you through these, because these are the stages that break down a relationship. Because the promise of this tape was that we said we're going to have you figure out what relationship is really about, what's the purpose of relationship, and how do you create an extraordinary relationship? How do you deal with the challenges, and how do you nurture and expand it? Well, I think we've covered most of that, but I want to be really clear with the inevitable challenges that show up. If the challenges are consistent and they seem to be overwhelming, there's probably a challenge and that you don't share the same values or your natures are completely different and not complementary. So if you discover that's true, no matter how long you've been with this person, you got to sit down and be honest with each other and have a great heart to heart talk. Now let me tell you the stages people go through first that create challenges. In any relationship, even if your natures are aligned, there are things that can happen that you can get upset about. And then pretty soon, very often people start to stack things. Like for example, did you ever notice when you get upset, you can remember everything about that person upsets you? It's like you stack it all together and it gets you more and more upset. So the way to avoid that is understand the pattern of destruction that destroys relationships. Because here's what you got to be able to deal with. This is inevitable. Something happens. And even when your natures are aligned and you feel this ugh inside this first R resistance. By the way, I got these four Rs from two relationship experts from Dr. John Gray and Dr. Barbara DeAngelis, both great relationship experts. And what's happened in each case is they've learned. You know, part of life is learning it's not about failure. If you're so afraid to fail, you're gonna stay in a relationship where you really aren't connected anymore, where you really don't have the same natures, where neither person is fulfilled, but you're both hanging on because you don't want the economic loss or the emotional loss or the feeling like a failure or what people will think. If you conduct your life trying to avoid these elements, then you lose the love and fulfillment you deserve. All fulfillment in life comes from self honesty. And once you're honest, taking courageous steps. And courageous steps don't mean you're not fearful, doesn't mean you don't have pain. It means do it anyway because you know that in this lifetime you deserve to find that person you can share this life with at the deepest level. And to settle for less than that is to hurt you and to hurt the person you're with. Because this person is not being fulfilled either. And neither person will usually have the courage to do something about it until they finally make each other so mad, so upset that now they can't even be friends. And you want to avoid that because you obviously care about and love this person. You wouldn't be in a relationship with them. So what are the elements that destroy the first Rs? I started to tell you that came from Them is resistance. Somebody says something, somebody does something that you're in a relationship with, and you go, oh, I wish I hadn't done that. Oh, I wish they wouldn't tell that story again and again. Oh, I hate when she does that. But you don't say anything. And so it goes on and on. It happens again and again and again and again. And finally the emotion escalates, doesn't it? It eventually gets after a period of weeks, months, years, or decades, it eventually gets to the point where you go, I resent this. Why do they always have to do this? And all of a sudden, inside, the amount of emotion is not just resistance, but there's some anger there. There's resentment. Like, I hate when they do that. Why? They always got to do that. There's a different tone that happens, but you still don't say anything. Now, if you don't deal with this at the level of resistance, it goes to resentment. If you don't deal with that resentment, it goes to the third R rejection. And you actually start to. Do you have to wear that dress? Do you have to always say that same stupid story, why did you do that? In fact, this person's gonna be looking at you like, why are you so overreact? What's the deal here? You're gonna look like the idiot because you're no longer actually reacting to the moment. You're reacting to all these stacked resistance and resentments. Does that make sense? And so now you literally find things to pick at them a little bit, and they get really irritated. What does that do for them? It makes them have resistance and resentment. And pretty soon, maybe they're rejecting you too, if not overtly, covertly. Maybe with other people, maybe with their friends. They get their girlfriends together or their guys, and they say, you know what she always does? You know, my old lady does. You know what he does to me, my old man? And they go through this whole thing, and it gets worse and worse and worse. Eventually, if these people don't break up when they're in this anger state, they'll go to repression. And repression is that fourth R. That's where, like, you know, your roommates, you know, you love them, and they're like a good buddy, but there's no passion. And the reason is it's hard to sustain passion with anger. For most people, when they're angry, it shuts off the emotion of love. And so what happens at this point is you just get repressed. You just go, you know, I love this person. They're really great you know, my spouse, my friend, my girlfriend. Girlfriend, my boyfriend. Yeah, it's really wonderful. But your energy goes someplace else, doesn't it? Or you're more fulfilled in your work with your girlfriends or your male friends, in sports, in anything that's more fulfilling because your relationship doesn't do it. It just basically is comfort and stability. But comfort and stability is not the same thing as intimacy. And it's certainly not the same thing as fulfillment. So if you're in this example, it's time to step up. It's time to step up. And, you know, it's. So you've got to make a decision. And if you're listening to this tape and you know somebody you care about who's in this place of repression, then you gotta help them out, get them to listen to this, talk to them, have an honest conversation. Now, I'll tell you, the hardest thing in the world for people is to make a decision. But if you and the other person have different goals, different values, different nature, if your lives are so radically different and they are not complementary, remember, different can be complimentary. If they're opposite, if they're opposed, then all you've set up is a life in which you have to either constantly be in a battle with someone or worse, constantly be in repression, where you just accept a life that's less than you deserve. And I don't say this in a flippant manner like, okay, on this tape, I should just change my relationship. No, running from a relationship, as I've said over and over again here, is not the answer. You take you with you. I can't say that enough. But also, denial is equally bad, in some cases worse, because it destroys your spirit. You've got to tell yourself the truth. And remember, everything in life happens for a reason and a purpose. And if you're listening to this tape, it's either to take a relationship that's great to a brand new level, or it's take the relationship that's not great and change yourself instead of your partner so you know you've done your job. Make yourself better, make yourself stronger, give more, focus on their needs. See how you can enhance and create a spark that brings that relationship to the place it needs to be. Or it's time for you to change a relationship. And you gotta be honest. Now you may say to me, well, you know, end my relationship. That's a pretty big step, isn't it? A life of fulfillment doesn't come from taking small steps. And it certainly doesn't come from taking a Step backwards. It doesn't come from settling. It comes from stepping up. And every time a person makes a change in their life, the change is always initiated by a decision, a real decision where you cut off any possibility except the thing you're committed to. Because you know in your heart of hearts it's right. It may be scary, but. But you know what's right. And listen, we've all had end relationships or we've been on the other end, We've had someone end one with us, and it's. God. It's one of the most painful things in life. But the other side of a decision where you commit and you just follow through is the freedom to experience what you deserve. So, you know, many times in life, I've done it. I'm sure you've done it. We've all in relationships, our partners have probably done it with us where we thought like, well, I'll sacrifice, you know, I'll just. I'll stay here because for the kids, or I'll stay here for something else. But if you do something that kills your spirit, you're not doing anything for anyone else. So you've got to be true to yourself. You got to be true to what's real inside. And that's where it all comes from. By the way, why don't we do this? Why don't we take the action? It's all about fear. Fear that we're going to be hurt. Fear that someone we love will not love us anymore at all. They'll take it all away, and then we'll be alone. The fear that we may have failed in something. The only real failure is to continue through a process that you know is not fulfilling for you and can't be for someone else. You got to remember, no matter how happy someone seems to be, if your entire heart and soul is not singing with them, they can't be totally fulfilled. But their fear may want them to keep in. Very often when somebody wants to leave a relationship, it's rarely that both of them want to go. But later on, eventually, people see the benefit for themselves as well. And if you care about somebody, you gotta share with them the truth. And again, I'm not saying this is easy by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just saying it's a must if you're gonna be happy. And I'm not saying this as a practitioner who's evaluating this. For years I had people tell me about their relationships and whether they should end it or not. And I always, you know, I struggled with how to assist them. And the way I helped them was to get them clear about what they really needed in their life and make them really responsible for were they doing their part. And also not to make decision too quickly, to give it a time period when you really evaluate it and you share with the other person and you work together. But I also went through this process myself. I mean, I got married when I was 24 years old and I'm really glad I did. It was an amazing time. It shaped me as a man because my wife had been married twice before, it was her third marriage. So as a result she had three children, one from one father and two from another. So you can imagine the diversity. Picture this. I'm 24 years old and suddenly I have a 17 year old son, I got an 11 year old daughter, I got a 5 year old son, and later on a son on the way. And you know what I'm really proud of is that for 14 years I raised these kids as my own. They are my loves of my life. If you ask me what I get the most joy of in my life or what I'm most proud of, I'd say seeing my kids and who they become as human beings, as men and women who contribute to society and have hearts of gold and make mistakes like anybody, but do such good things for people around them. I love them, I respect them and I'm really proud that I raised them. But I gotta tell you, after 14 years, I found myself in a position where our beliefs and values were very different. What I really wanted for my life and what she wanted for hers was so different. It wasn't that she was a bad person and I was a good person or vice versa. It was just a different world because I didn't have these skills when I was 24. I didn't understand these distinctions back then. And so, you know, am I going to stay in a position like that? Well, yes, I did, for about four years. I said, you know, I got to work totally on me, I got to turn this around, I got to find a way to fulfill. And the problem was I still personally didn't feel fulfilled. And I eventually made the decision after the kids grew up and they were adults that it was time to make this decision. And I did. And I got to tell you, it was one of the most important decisions I made in my life and one of the most difficult ones. Today I'm happily married to my soulmate, a lady who is so aligned with me that. But I have a person in my life who not only Is beautiful in terms of their love for people. I don't have to explain why I'm doing something, why I'm stopping here, why am I not on time? Because I'm helping another person. But I'm with somebody who literally I can pitch and catch with. So often in life, you get somebody, and they're a great listener. You can give, give, give, give, give to them, but you don't give very much back. To be in a place where somebody can challenge you with love, or somebody can come back at you and say, what about this? What about that? Is so stimulating to have somebody you love with your heart and soul, and they love back the same way, Emotionally, physically, spiritually, at the same intensity. It's such an amazing thing. So all I want to tell you is if this is a hard decision and you got fear about it, but you know it's right. You got to make it, and the other side is beautiful. Unless you sit around and ask yourself a lot of questions like, what if I never find the right person again? What if I'm making a mistake? What if, you know, I'm not being fair in this situation? The way you're going to know you're fair is if you find out exactly what your musts are in a relationship, what are theirs? You have the discussions. You work at it. But if you're really different, tell the truth now. So often you want to blame the other person. And so often during this time when you make these decisions, you feel enormous pain. The only thing that kept me going is the day that I made the final decision. I made this list. I said everything I really want in a relationship. What am I committed to in this lifetime to have in my life? What do I deserve, and what am I willing to give? And when I went through that list, it became obvious this was not the right relationship based on nature. So I had to decide. And when I'd cry and I'd feel sad, and I'd say, you know, God, I get so much juice out of my work, and I have so much love for my kids, and I honestly had the fear of losing the love of my kids. You know, what if they don't love me anymore? And those fears started to grab me, and I'd sit back and I'd say, what's my outcome? What am I committed to in this life? What will I not settle for less than. Because I'm willing to pay the price. I'm willing to do whatever it is. And during that time, I got to tell you, there were some amazingly Painful times, because my children are not my step kids. I mean, they are my children. I adopt them into my life and in my heart and they're my own in every way I've raised them. But what was interesting is when the separation first happened, one of my boys, Josh, I felt like he was really comforting his mom and wasn't spending much time with me. And so one day I called him up and I said, joshy, I said, I'd like to go for a walk on the beach with you. So Josh came down and we took a walk on the beach. And I said, hey, bud. I said, you know, I'm feeling really sad and lonely right now. And he looked at me and got a little teary eyed. I said, you know, I want your mom totally supported. But I said, I feel like there's some separation with us. And I said, it scares me, honestly, because I've raised you as my own since you're five years old. I mean, I may not be your birth father, but I'm your dad and you're my son. And he started to cry and he said, of course. And he said, I love you, Dad. I said, well, you know, tell me something. I said, I feel like my feelings don't matter. Yes, I'm the one that chose to make the divorce happen, but I still have feelings. It still kills me to see anybody hurt. I mean, I'm the guy who wants to make everybody happy, and in this situation, I can't. And I said, I just feel the separation with you. And he said, I'm not trying to be separate from you, dad. He said, I guess I'm probably overcompensating for mom because you're so strong. I said, I am strong, but I still have feelings. I said, tell me something. I said, wasn't I there for you? I mean, throughout your life, whenever there was a tough situation or anticipating a tough situation, wasn't I, there were the ideas or the solutions or the love for you or the comfort or the conversation. And I said, shoot me straight if I wasn't. He said, no, dad, you always were. And he got really emotional. I said, then how come in my tough time, you're not here? It was a pretty direct conversation. And he gave me a hug and he said, I love you, dad. And he said, I just got to tell you. He said, I think. I don't know, I think maybe you trained us, dad, that you were the one who always took care of us, so we never even think of taking care of you. Oh, that was a tough moment. Talk about an awakening. He said, you know, it's like you always were there. You're always there with the magic moments. You're always the one to figure the answer. I mean, you're Tony Robbins, who can help you. And I said, I'm still your dad. I'm still a man. I still have feelings. It was a poignant moment, one I'll never forget in my life, because I thought at times, how come she didn't do this? How come I always had to do that? You know, you get into that thing with righteousness. And I thought, you know, probably because I trained her to. It wasn't because she didn't love. It's just because she got used to me doing it. So while I say put everything in the relationship and do everything you can to support that person, you also have to give them room to support, too. I remember an example from early in my life when I was brand new and I didn't really have any economic success yet. And I'd take someone to lunch or dinner, I'd watch what they ordered, and I'd make sure I didn't order too much so I could afford it. And I always pay for the lunch, always pay for the dinner, because I just always want to be the giver. But you know what's interesting? If you're always the one who has to be the giver, you give no room for someone else to give back. And then you feel sad or empty or alone or mad because someone else didn't give to you. It was my fault. And of course, no relationship is black and white. There are many situations that shape something. But I remember one time in that same situation where I took a very wealthy man out to lunch, and I went to grab the check, and he smacked my hand really hard, and he said, what are you doing? And I said, I want to take you to lunch. He said, are you going to rob me of the pleasure of paying for this lunch? Are you that selfish? I thought, wow, he's so right. You know, I always want to give, give, give. Well, you got to give room to let someone else have the joy of giving, too. Otherwise, you're going to blame them. And you've been a party to the challenge. And I'll tell you what I learned. You know, it's like I said before, success comes from good judgment. Listen, if you made a decision at 18, 20, 25, and the life that you're living now is so radically different, who you are has grown and changed. Don't feel bad about making a decision. Find A way to make that decision better by staying in the relationship. Or if it really doesn't work, have the guts to tell the truth and figure out what needs to be done and learn from the past relationship. I mean, because of this and my relationship with my wife, Sage, we have the most incredible relationship. Because you know what? She catches me, and I catch her. I say, no, no, no, no. It's your turn to receive here. Sometimes we have to make a game of it because we're always trying to support the other person because our natures are so alike. Sometimes you can't make a decision because I want to know what she wants, and I want to make that decision. She wants to know what I want so she can make that decision. So now we have this deal. You make this big decision, I get the next one. And we always say, whose turn is it? And of course, we usually, being the giving souls we are, try to do something that meets the other person's needs. But how cool to be in a relationship where that nature is there for someone where I'm now smart enough not to crush it. So to allow yourself to receive is critical for any relationship to work. If this is scary to you, I can only tell you I have known so many thousands of people that this was the scariest, toughest part of their life. But it was the most rewarding. And I'm one of them. As painful as it was, as difficult as it was, the most important decision in my life, more important than any business decision, any economic decision, any decision of my work, I mean, this is it, you know? Where you get to live is with a person you love and who loves you. And if you've got that, there is nothing on earth that can come close to it. But to get that, sometimes you're gonna have to make some tough decisions. And if you don't, praise God, you got the right decision the first time. Hang onto it and treasure it as the most precious thing in your life. And if you're not in a relationship yet, praise God again, you got a chance to really set it up the first time with clarity. Not just chemistry, but clarity. So you don't just obtain a relationship, not just have one you can make work, but you can have one that grows geometrically because the natures of the two people involved are aligned. Don't get stuck on the institution and forget about the people inside of it. The institution is marriage. The life you live with this person and the happiness you can generate with this person is what matters most. And how do you do it? God Only knows it's the hardest thing to do. But I'll tell you, the one thing to consider is to first get really clear that this is best for you and best for the other person, even though they won't feel like it in the short term. Because if you're in a relationship where you're unfulfilled, I guarantee you're not fulfilling them. They may think so because they don't want to lose it. They don't want the insecurity, the instability, the unknown of not being in relationship. But neither one of you are being fulfilled. And the way to do it is to be totally honest about your responsibility in it and that you aren't doing all that's there. And then also to say that the natures are different, that it's not that you're not enough, it's not that you're wrong, it's just we're different. And to have this conversation, ideally looking directly in the person's eyes, agreeing that for the next 10 or 15 minutes or hour that you will not break eye contact because it's a very powerful tool when you look in someone's eyes and you don't look away, the power of that is amazing because you're going to find yourself wanting to look away, to think of something or access something, or they're going to say something, you're going to remember something else to give a retort or react. But if you'll just stay there, maybe hold their hands and look in their eyes and share. And if someone ever comes to you and wants into a relationship, do the same thing. Be responsible. Because trying to hang on to somebody who really isn't there with you is the worst feeling in the world. And even if you get them to say yes, it'll just happen again. You can't hold back what a person really needs. And so you got to take the lessons of this relationship and create the space for something new. And if you do, you got something magical. So what's the truth? Where are you really? These first three possibilities are all based on the idea that you're already in a relationship. And if you're in one, I want you to create an action plan. Now, what are you going to do to take your relationship to the next level? What can you do and what will you do? And I want you to write down two or three things you've decided today. You're going to absolutely do or be or change either. That decision is, I am no longer going to fly off the handle of little things. I'm going to interrupt my own pattern and say, you know what? You don't deserve this. I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. Or maybe what you're going to do is you're going to create a pattern rep so you both agree. If you start arguing that if either one of you says, I need to save space, then the other person has got to listen for 10 minutes and not interrupt. And that doesn't mean 10 minutes where you take notes about all the crap you're going to refute. It means where you really listen from your heart and where you look directly in their eyes the whole time they're talking and you feel what they're saying and you try to put yourself in their perspective. Maybe that's an action item for you. Maybe the action item is you're going to write a beautiful card for no reason today before you go home and drop it off. Maybe you're going to call in the middle of the day and just say, I only have 10 seconds. I'm in the middle of a meeting. But I called to say I love you. I don't want anything. I just want to tell you I love you. Bye. Click. What will that do? I want you to create an action plan. I want you to write a map, a massive action plan, as fast as you can, of things you can do to enhance the relationship. Or if you truly are not matched in your natures, in your values and your goals, you need to get really clear about that and you need to sit down with this person and make some decisions. You're going to have to decide because rarely in a relationship will both people want to leave the relationship. What does leaving a relationship bring up for everybody? Absolute fear. Your primary fear. Fear that you're not going to be loved again by somebody else this way. Fear that you'll never find somebody else. Fear that you're going to lose the love. Fear that you're not enough. Fear that you won't be able to have what you really deserve. Or fear this person's leaving you and therefore they're rejecting you and you can't have it. Sometimes this break of this pattern is the greatest thing that ever happened. Because now, even if you're on the receiving end, you're now free to really have someone who can fully appreciate you. Because it's not that you're not enough. It's that your nature, your needs, your desires, your values are different. And by the way, sometimes people start out with similar goals and similar values and a similar nature. But as time goes by, people go through stages of life, they have significant emotional events, right? They lose family, they lose friends, their priorities radically change. They have a disease, they get older. And at different stages of life, we look at our lives radically different. And if you have a difference in years between you and another person, you may find that this person now has a totally different viewpoint. So, you know, instead of looking as a failure, be honest and decide what you're going to do and figure out how you do it responsibly, lovingly. Or you can preserve the relationship, but transform it maybe into a friendship. Because if you think about it truthfully, all relationships have a purpose. There's some lessons for us all to learn. And when you learn those lessons, then the relationship may transform into a new relationship called a friend or called a business associate, or called something, I don't know, someone who's no longer in your life. But you gotta decide, don't turn off this tape without coming up with an action plan to make your relationship better or to change yourself or to complete this relationship and create the vacuum to create something new. Because you know what some people do? They go, I know it's the wrong relationship, but I'm gonna keep looking till I find the right person. Then I'll let go of this person. Well, you can't get to second base with one foot on first. You can't do that. You gotta let go. You gotta create a vacuum. Until there's a vacuum there that's open, there's no space for someone else to be attracted into your life now. That's gonna be your plan. That's gonna be your homework. You can stop the tape now. If you're one of those people, if you're a person, though, who is single, you're not in a relationship, then you have to create an action plan too, right? You gotta say, how am I gonna attract this person to my life? Well, you need a marketing plan. That's what you need, right? You can't just sit around and hope they're gonna show up. You've got to go in the environments where you're most likely to meet the kind of person who's going to live the way you live. Value what you value. I remember myself when I first started dating at 39 years old. I thought, this is different than 23. You know, I'm a different guy. Suddenly, I was going out with people, and I was meeting people in restaurants and places like that. And boy, that seemed like a disaster because I met people who knew I was Tony Robbins. And it was a significance thing for Them to date me. Or they thought, wow, this guy could provide some great security if you know the six human needs. That's called certainty. Or somebody said, this guy's a nut, I'll have lots of variety with him. What I was looking for was a love, and not only a love. Somebody whose heart and soul is about contribution, because that's what my whole life is about. And so I began to think, I don't want to see anybody in my seminars because they'll know who I am. But truthfully, the people that spent the time, the energy, the effort, the money, all those things that it takes to break through and grow, it was a great environment to meet people, but it was a bit of a conflict for me. So I'd meet people in the seminar, but rarely would I date them. And one day I met my wife. Little did I know, because I had my list right. Now, let me tell you something, all this list stuff I told you about, don't judge the list too quick. Remember I told you that. Because here's what happened. I was about to begin a nine day seminar I conduct and I wanted to see what my body was like at that stage. There's a process you can go through to evaluate your body's state, where they take your blood, your live blood and analyze it. And as I walked down the blood room and there were literally hundreds of people in this room, people were shaking my hand and so forth. I looked up and I made eye contact with a woman. I could not break it. I didn't look at her. I just walked straight across the room, looked in her eyes and said, you are so beautiful. I mean, inside beautiful. I don't know what it was. It was something I just. I got her soul. Now, this was not necessarily on my list. My list didn't say, catch eye contact and connect with the soul. Now, knowing it now, that's a pretty great strategy. But that wasn't what I was after. And I went up to her and I said, what's your name? And she said, sage. I said, sage, you're an amazing person. I mean, you are a spiritual person, aren't you? I can just feel it. She said, yes. And that was it. And I thought, okay, it was nice meeting you. And somebody saw us and said, let's take a picture of you two. And they took a photograph of the first moment we were ever together, which I cherish to this day. And then I left. And I thought I didn't feel an attraction to her. I felt a connection to her. On my list was Certainly to have a great sense of chemistry. And frankly there wasn't. Now looking back on it now I think I'm nuts. She's a beautiful lady, not only inside, outside as well. But I just, I couldn't let go of this feeling. So I talked to her again. And over the next few months I'd call her on the phone, we'd have a chat and she was like my buddy. And I would, you know, tell her about all my other dates. Because my view was she was too quiet, she was too gentle. I mean, I thought, I'll break this person, I'm too intense, I'm go, go, go, go. She never keep up with this stuff. Little did I know. So I call her up and say, talk about these dates and why we're women this way. And she would coach me a little bit. Over six months we became best friends. And then of course didn't want to date your best friend, that could ruin it. But finally we did. And as time went by, I found myself on about my fourth date with her and I pulled out my list. Now you got to bear in mind that I've been reading this list like every day when I finally made the change in my life for about a month or two. And then I look at it once a week. And after a while, every month or two, I'd read my list just to remind my brain what I'm really after and who I've got to be to attract that kind of person. And I was reading the list and she was across from me and I said, you got to read this. And I read every single thing on the list that I wanted in my life, in a relationship. And there was no exaggeration, no hyperbole. I mean she could read it, it was all her the spirituality, the emotion, the contribution, the playfulness, the outrageousness, the sexiness, the fun, the laughter. You know, somebody who I could pitch and catch with who I didn't just tell them ideas, they told me ideas. There was this great stimulation of conversations. I mean, we'd be up almost every night til five in the morning talking. And this many years later we still do this. We make each other crazy because we have such a great time. We're so stimulated by each other because we're so similar and yet we have our own point of view, which is so wonderful. But here's the best part. When I read the list of all the things I didn't want, because you remember if you get everything you want in a relationship, you get two or three things that you just Must not have in your life. They destroy everything else. And of course, we always rationalize that. Oh, I'll work that out or I'll fix them. You're not going to fix somebody's nature. It's who they are. It's not your job to make such a judgment anyway. And there was nothing on the list of what I must not have in my life that she was. Now, that's pretty rare. I don't know too many people that have been blessed as much as I am that they get everything on their list. But I got to tell you, as time went by, I found out she was not quiet. Right. I discovered that she was outrageous and playful, but she was just entering the relationship. So if you judge too soon, you'll start saying, well, this person isn't something. They haven't had time to be around you enough to get comfortable and share everything that they are. Give a relationship time to develop. Don't make judgments too quick or you may miss out on your soulmate. By the way, I found out there were things that weren't even on my list that I liked. This girl's nutty. She's crazy, she's outrageous, she's weird. I didn't know I wanted these things. Now, how could I not notice I'd want weird when I'm so darn weird. But, you know, you miss some things on your list. Sometimes you get more than you ask for. Sometimes God just blesses you. And with my wife, Sage, that's absolutely what's happened. She's the greatest gift in my life. So there's a reason why I have two CDs here, or these two audio tapes. It's because this, I believe, is the most important area of your life. I can remember having a day where I made $400 million in a day, taking my company public. And yet within a few weeks, I was really unhappy because that didn't really change my life. But one morning with my lady is more juicy than all the money, all the accolades, all the achievement. I mean, I remember at one time in my life thinking, okay, I've got 18,000 people here. I'm doing this seminar. We're rocking. It's like a concert for eight hours. All these people want to hug me and give me all this love, and I'm a love monster. How could any relationship compare to that? But I gotta tell you, the contrast of that, I thought would be impossible to compare. Time with my lady, honestly, is more valuable to me, more juicy for me than even that. The ultimate love is that One on one love. And you deserve to have it, or you deserve to recreate it, or deserve to take it to another level. So I'll give you the most important principle in marketing yourself. Number one, you gotta live by that list. You gotta be that person you described that will attract the kind of person you want. That's the most important thing. You gotta love yourself so you have so much emotion and happiness inside yourself that you'll attract others. But also thirdly, you gotta understand the principle that proximity is powerful. Proximity means that if you put yourself in the right environment, your probability of creating a connection goes up a hundredfold. I mean, if you go, I keep attracting the wrong kind of people. And I ask people like that, well, where do you meet people? Well, bars. Well, you know, there's nothing wrong with a bar, but you're going to have a certain kind of person. You say you want a very spiritual, conscious person who doesn't drink alcohol and is very, very responsible. They may not be at the bar. There may not be a large number of them at the bar every Tuesday night, you know, maybe Fridays, but I don't know, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, I don't know. You got to think about that yourself. You have to decide where is an environment where I'm most likely to find the kind of person that I described, I really am committed to having in my life. And you got to put yourself in that environment on a regular basis. Is it going to the museums, as corny as that thing sounds, or the concerts? Is it, you know, in a working environment? Is it at your church? You know, where would you go on an ongoing basis and expose yourself to a large number of people where you're going to be in proximity of people who share your kinds of values, share your kinds of goals, share your kinds of interests, so that you become connected to someone who already is more likely to be aligned with who you are. Because you're not going to find them just walking down the street. I mean, you could, but it's rare. And if you least know what you want, you got a better chance. But you got to understand it's proximity. And very often the basis of relationship for people's proximity. I mean, I can tell you, for example, my own company, I can't tell you how many people came to work in a company and then become married. The number of couples is staggering because they're in this environment, they're sharing the same kinds of values. We're on a mission, we're changing lives. They have fun, they have great values. We're aligned. Boom. Next thing you know, there's traction. Next thing you know, the relationship. Next thing you know, they're married. You know, you look at Elizabeth Taylor. I mean, the last person she married was a guy that was a truck driver, if I remember correctly. And that's true. You go, where would she meet a truck driver? Well, they were in rehab together. Obviously, that relationship didn't last, but they were in proximity, they were close to each other, sharing emotions, sharing common experience, common goals. How the heck do I turn my body around? Right. But that was a transition time. Sometimes the goals that you share with somebody are for a period of time as opposed to lifelong goals. And so for a period of time, you have tremendous relationship, but eventually that relationship's going to end because you don't have the same things in common to be able to relate to. That's what relationship is, something to relate to emotionally, with passion, with feeling, with intensity. Now, by the way, I'll tell you one more thing. When you're making your action plan here and you're already in a relationship, here's what you do. Make a list of magic moments. Absolutely. Sit down and just say, what are all the greatest things I've ever shared with this person? I love little things. You know when we laugh one day because we both fell off the ladder while we're painting. I don't know this first time we met, when you said this and I said that, that smile the very first time last week when this happened. But see, what I love to do in any part of my life is I make a list of magic moments. And if you'll do this in your relationship, you're going to find something magical happens. If you're always stacking, you're capturing the moments that are juicy and beautiful and wonderful, little ones and big ones, you're going to keep anchoring in that same feeling you had as when you first met them. You were dreaming that they might like you enough to give you a kiss or to visit with you or spend time with you. But if you don't stack those magic moments, if you don't look for the little things, the few challenging things blind you. All the little good things. And in life, life is all the little things. It's not just the one or two big things that make or break you. So you gotta say, what are the magic moments? If you can ask yourself all day long, how did I get so lucky to get this person in my life? If you keep asking quality questions, what's magical about this person? What's special. What's unique? What do I love about this person? If you'll do that on a daily basis during your hour of power, I'll tell you what's gonna happen. Your relationship will soar. It'll soar. And because you love them so much, they'll do it. And if you share with it, and if together you say, let's make a list of the magic moments we've shared in the last month. And if you don't come up with a lot, that's a clue. And I'll tell you one more rule for making a relationship outstanding. Make sure that at least once, a minimum, absolute minimum, minimum, minimum, every 10 days, you do something by yourselves together, something. A lunch, a dinner, a trip, something. And ideally, once every three to six months, you've got to go away together for multiple number of days because you've got to get yourself out of the environment. It's like one of my friends, Ken Blanchard, told me long ago, just about friendships, that level of relationship. He said, if you really want to have lifelong friends, Tony, he said, what you got to do is break bread together for more than a meal. Go away for a week, spend a week together, go to Mexico, go to Fiji, go do something for a week. Because when you wake up and fall asleep and you're with that person day after day doing something that's fun, it bonds you for life. And I've done that now three or four times a year with my friends for godly knows how long. And I can tell you, I have such a deep level of friendship with my closest friends. And it's always expanding because there is no replacement for time. You've got to lock in the time. So lock in the magic moments, which is any moment you're with this person that you love and share them with each other, that acknowledgement of what's magical enhances the relationship. And at the same time, make certain along the way that you're spending time. So at least three times this month, that's gotta be your minimum. Must, must, must. You never let it go by. You must never. At least three times in that month where you do something special with each other. And again, ideally every quarter, doing something will you get away. One of the biggest reasons people won't do things, won't stay in a relationship, won't nurture each other, is again, because they don't have goals that are aligned. But hey, you know, this is something that's easy to align if people have similar values. But if you don't take any time to Talk to your partner and say, what are your goals? What do you want to achieve? What do you want to experience? And you don't try and find a way to help them to achieve it. You're going to tend to drift apart. So what's really important here is at least once a year, I mean, at New Year's, maybe you recap that week the year before, all of your magic moments, everything you guys can remember that was beautiful together, laughter, you shared something, you saw some silly dumb thing that happened, you guys made it through it. All the magic that you shared, things with your kids, things with your family, and you capture that. Maybe write down some of the great achievements or decisions that you've accomplished, but then you set up the next year to win. You say, listen, what are the most important goals we have? What do we want to share? What do we want to see? What do we want to do? Right? What do we want to accomplish? And then you say, when will we do this? Okay, we're going to do this in June, we're going to do this in August. So you lay a specific time, and then maybe on your anniversary, you do a nice recap of where you are so far in that year. Minimum, you got to do this twice a year. And this will move you together instead of apart. These are the ways to make a relationship grow and expand. So you got to figure out what's going to be your game plan. So here's your action item. If you're in a relationship, decide what are you going to do now? What does your partner deserve? What do they need? What should you be giving them and you're not giving them? And write down an action plan, a massive action plan, a map of what you're going to do. Write down some simple things you can do today. When you're done with this tape, you're going to pick up the phone and do something. You're going to stop and buy a card. You're going to call them and organize something. You're going to arrange for a dinner, something you can do to enhance it immediately. You're going to set down time to look into their eyes and tell them how much you love them and really express it, whatever it is. Secondly, what do you need that person to do for you? What are some small things? If there was one thing that they did it for you, it would totally enhance the relationship. If they just make this change so you could share it with them. But you don't want to share it with them until you've given to them. First, hear Me on this. First give them everything so they're thrilled out of their mind and then say, you know, honey, there's this one thing that if. I know it seems unreasonable, but if you could change this just a little bit, it would be so great. I wouldn't feel the sense of resistance that I was feeling. Because the way you combat those four R's is you communicate honestly. You either get over it and say, you know what? I'm being a jerk. This doesn't matter, or it does matter, and you communicate it in a way that doesn't make them wrong, in a way that enrolls them in wanting to make the change because you first figured out what they need. Because I guarantee you, if you ask them, are there some things I do that you have some resistance about or a little, sometimes even resentment, they have them. They're just afraid to tell you. So I say, oh, my God, honey, I'm so sorry. I'm happy to change that. You know, there's some I have. I don't know if you'd be comfortable making a shift in this area. If not, that's okay with me, but how would you feel about this? So maybe that's a piece. So your action item is, what do you do to enhance it? What do you do to handle a challenge? And the third one is, if you're going to end the relationship, if you know you should, then make it a must and do it. Don't lie to yourself and do it in a way that's loving. Figure out your game plan. Create the vacuum. Figure out what you're going to do, what action you'll take, and if you're not quite sure, you know, pick up the time of your life. Because we show you how to organize your whole life. And in that process, we'll teach you how to plan your life so you have certainty that you can make your life work the way you want if you are single. Here's your action item. Now this is going to complete our session. What is your map? What are you going to do to get yourself in proximity? What are you going to do? Who are you going to talk to? Who are you going to call and say, I need a marketing team. I need you to be looking for people that meet this criteria for me and nothing less. If they have these elements, don't even put them in my proximity. But these elements, I'm really interested. Who are you going to talk to? Who do you know that probably knows people like this who have these kinds of qualities? And you got to go out on A warpath of marketing, massive action. Get yourself out there. Create a plan of what you're going to do tonight and for the next 30 days. And you know you can't have much of a relationship if you're tired. Therefore, our next session is about how to create that energy so you got the energy to have that passion in your relationship. Because it's really hard to make somebody feel special when you can barely get out of bed or when you come home burnt to the core. And you don't want to talk, you don't want to communicate anything else. And so I want to share with you a simple principle that will help you to massively enhance your energy and wipe out so much stress out of your body. How do you eliminate all the acids that make you irritated and you don't even realize that's what it is? What do you do so you can unleash the natural energy that's inside of you? Most people, when they talk about getting old, they don't understand what they really are experiencing is the body breaking down from the acids in the system. And on this next tape, we're going to talk about those distinctions. So I've gone way over the time I was supposed to for this little session. We've sure covered a lot. But you know why? This is where the juice is, my friends. This is where life is lived. I don't care how much money you make. I don't care how much respect you have on any PhDs you got, how many companies you run. And if you don't feel connected with someone you love deeply and intimately, then guess what? It's all for naught. So here's a chance. This has been a workshop. You know, several of these tapes have not been very passive. I know, and I've given you a lot to do. And you may have just listened to it and not actually done the exercises. And I understand that. Listen to it again, but this time do the exercises or go back to them and get that job done. Because you deserve to have this kind of clarity. And if you have the clarity, you can make this happen at the level you deserve. Avoid those four Rs by communicating clearly. But first giving. Know what it is you really want. Know what you don't want. Know what your musts are. Know who you gotta be. And every day that you work on yourself and you take the time during that hour of power, or that 30 minutes to thrive, or those 15 minutes of fulfillment, whatever you do that time for yourself, focus on what you want to create in your relationship. Focus on how much you love yourself, create that deep relationship with yourself, and maybe finally create that relationship with God. I'm not here to tell you what to believe spiritually, but of all the relationships, that's the most important one. And you know, for some people say, well, I don't believe in a higher power of any sort. Well, that's kind of like saying that, you know, the Webster's Dictionary is the result of an explosion in a print factory. You know, it all just exploded and came together perfectly like it is. I think most people believe in higher power. And if you do, then ask for some guidance to bring this person to your life. And ask for some guidance for your soul to open up, for your fear to disappear. And ask for that relationship to be expanded. Because if that relationship is expanded, you'll be empowered like nothing else. Certainly much more than anything I can do for you or anyone else. So maybe ask God to enter your heart even more deeply or whatever your belief is spiritually, maybe just ask to deepen it within yourself, strengthen it. Because with a strong relationship with your creator and a deep relationship with yourself, you have the foundation of a deep relationship with anyone else. So now choose who you want to be in a relationship with. Don't react. Don't take what's given to you by the environment that you walk by each day. Decide precisely what you want. Decide what it'll take to make that happen. And make that happen. You deserve no less than total happiness and fulfillment. That doesn't mean you won't have challenges, doesn't mean there won't be upsets. It just means that you have enough in common with this person to be related to them long term in a juicy, loving, spiritual, sexy, fun, outrageous way that enhances both of your lives and meets the need of all relationships. The purpose of all relationships, and that is to magnify the human experience. I wish you well on this journey. It's an ongoing one, it's always under construction, and I'll tell you what, it makes life an adventure. So God bless you, make your action plan and then show up for tomorrow's session. And whatever you do, remember to live with passion.
