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The Bleacher Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here, and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report app. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I care about, get real time, scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment. Welcome to day six. This session is on, I think, the most important subject of all, and that is how do you really make sure that after all this work, all this effort, all this success in your life, you really happy, you really feel fulfilled? And so this introduction to something we call the six human needs, I think is perfectly placed for you, especially if you just did the goal setting workshop. Because we want to make sure we take away any fear that, yeah, well, what if I achieve all that and I'm still not happy? This will show you how to make sure you never have that fear. And more importantly, that you enjoy your life right now, not someday. When you achieve these goals. You really experience it today. So we want to talk about what is it that causes people to be fulfilled and what causes us not to be fulfilled. We want to find out what's the difference between what I would call leverage and drive. Because no matter what you do in life, whether you're hitting a baseball as a professional major leaguer, or you're doing something like going out and working on computers and you're creating songs or music or writing books, or you're designing corporations, or you're constantly figuring out how to debate a legal issue and be effective. There is an emotional side to everything you and I do, and it's a component that most of us try to ignore because we're just trying to get the job done. But it's the part that not only fulfills us, but fuels us as people. Unless you understand that fuel, unless you understand that drive, then you'll always be looking to get a short term burst of energy through discipline or focus. But you'll never be in that place of just flow, where it just happens, where it's just automatic, where you surprise yourself. You say, this is magical. This is what life's about. I love this. We've all had moments like that. And I want to share with you the secret of how to have them all the time. All the time. Yeah, all the time. So that when you're not in that state. You know exactly what to do to get back in that target zone where you are your best, where you contribute the most you can contribute, and where you feel the greatest juice of life on a consistent basis. Not a spotty hope it comes back kind of basis. See, part of what it is is intellectual. It's part of it is understanding the goal of the game of life. It's pretty hard to win the game of life when you don't know what the goal is. And most of us don't. We think we know what it is. And then we achieve the goal and we say, is this all there is? We've all had this conversation before, right? But I got a new answer for you. An answer that when you get it, it'll change your life forever if you'll use it. So let me give you a little background. I received a phone call from a gentleman who really wanted me to work with him. And he was in the south of France. And so I said, well, why don't we wait till I come there to do my program? There I was doing A Date with Destiny in Cannes. And so I got to the program and some interesting things had occurred in my life. And I was not in a happy state. I was feeling very frustrated, and I couldn't figure out why exactly. And in a few moments, when I share a little more, you'll understand the why. But all of a sudden, I was not myself. Have you ever been in that place? You don't understand why. You just don't feel good. You don't feel like you're yourself, but you're not sure why? Well, I was kind of in that place. And the final note for me is I had this opportunity to be with this man is amazing guy. And I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. He's willing to pay me a fortune. I still didn't know if I wanted to do it. I lost my drive. I mean, I couldn't remember ever being like that. I don't know if you've ever been in that place where you're just disturbed with yourself. I think it's a good place. By the way, it doesn't feel good, but it is good. You know, I've learned in life that there are four classes of experience. I think I thought of this on a run recently. I said, Class 1. Experience in life is something that feels good. It is good for you, it is good for others, and it serves the greater good. Those are the peak experiences in life, aren't they? I'LL tell you what a Class 2 experience is. Something that does not feel good, does not feel good, but is good for you, is good for other people and serves the greater good. Those are the ones most people want to avoid, but those are the secret to a joyous, successful and fulfilling life. Class three experience something that feels good but is not good for you, is not good for others, and does not serve the greater good. And this is the crap you do on a regular basis, isn't it? At least I know I've been guilty of this in the past. And Here's a Class 4 experience. Something that does not feel good, is not good for you, does not serve others, and does not serve the greater good. So why the heck would we do it? Fear? Or just old habits? Patterning. And these are the worst things of all. I'll tell you what I think the secret to a successful, happy, fulfilling life is. It's learning how to convert Class 2 experiences into Class 1 experiences. Learning how to take those things that don't feel good, but really are good for you, really serve others, good for others, and really serve the greater good. And making them a class one where it also feels good to do those things that are good for you, good for others, and serve the greater good. So here I was doing something that didn't feel good, but it really could serve the greater good. It certainly would serve this other person. It would serve me because, listen, for me to coach someone else, I learn I'm the one who gets the greatest gift, regardless of economics. The real challenge, the real ability is figuring out how to turn something around. And whatever I learn, I can apply to my own life. But I thought, why do I keep doing this? And I kept thinking, you know, I'm seeing the same problems in people all over the face of the earth. In that seminar, there were people representing 28 nations. And I'm reading them, and everybody's got the same basic problems worldwide. In fact, I said, you know what? There aren't that many problems. There's probably only about a dozen problems. So I got in the shower and I kept thinking, but why do people have these same problems worldwide? I don't care if it's a total top professional athlete. I don't care if it's this multi billionaire that I work with. I don't care if it's a child in the South Bronx. I don't care if it's a person from India, from China, a person from Singapore. I don't care if it's from Australia, England, France, Italy. I Don't care. The us. You know, Any place I've gone in the world, any place people have come to me, I see the same problems. So I got in the shower. Don't you ever notice how the most important things come to you when you're in the shower and there's no paper pencil nearby? I'm in the shower, I got soap in my eyes. I'm just at that moment, all of a sudden, wham. This stuff starts coming through me. I've got the answer. My brain just goes, here's the answer. Here's the answer to why everybody does whatever they do. Here's the answer as to why everybody has the same problems. Here's what it is. So I jumped out of the shower and I couldn't find the towel to soap in my eyes. I'm dripping wet. I'm running outside, running around naked, looking for a piece of paper. I got a pen, I find. I start scribbling like crazy. I got the answer. Got a whole nother level of answer. And I call it the six Human Needs. I began to realize it started like this. I'm in the shower, my brain said, same problems worldwide. But all these people in different parts of the world have different belief systems. They've grown up in different cultures. There are different rules, right? They have different backgrounds, different experiences. How could they have the same problems? And I thought, is it possible because all human beings have the same needs? Well, that would make sense, I thought, but why would they have the same problems? And I began to ask myself the question, is it possible that these needs are inherently in conflict and that's why we have the challenge? I thought, nah, God wouldn't do that to us. I thought, no, it'd make life more interesting. Probably make us have to grow more. Probably make us try to figure things out. Let me play with this. And then all of a sudden, this started coming through me. So let me just give it to you with no more buildup. You're saying, give it to me, Tony. What is it? Tell me. Here it is. There are six human needs. These are so simple, but pay attention and listen. Got a piece of paper? You might write them down first. Human need. This is not a desire, by the way. Before I tell you, this is not a request. This is not something you want. This is the need that all human beings have. And that is, number one, the need for certainty. The need that we can be certain, that we can be comfortable. The most fundamental need is certainty that we can avoid pain and gain pleasure. This is our survival need. In essence, isn't it? But I'll tell you something, this is a humongous need. This is one of the most fundamental needs that human beings have to have just to be able to live their life. I mean, think about this for a moment. Have you ever had a moment in your life when you felt like you had total uncertainty, like you had no idea what was going to happen and it freaked you out inside? You felt completely unstable because of it? I know people who live in Los Angeles know what I'm talking about when there's that earthquake. Now listen, when all of a sudden you're not sure where the floor is going to hold you up or the ceiling is going to stay up above you, nothing else matters. You can't function except to think about how you're going to survive. This becomes your primary need above all else. Because for most people, certainty equals survival. It's that important to our lives, you know, as this stuff started flowing through me, I began to realize, oh my gosh, no wonder I don't feel like myself. You know, I'm. For the first time in my life, I'm missing my certainty. You say, tony, why would you miss your certainty? I mean, you're on such a roll, all these people responding to you. There are people flying in from 28 nations to hear what you have to say. It's got to make you feel like you're somewhat certain about what your life's. But you know what's interesting? I had a friend that I talked to, told me about this doctor that does these great measurements of all the organs in your body. And it was just a totally holistic thing. And he measures your body to find out the age of your organs. In other words, you might be chronologically, you might be 35 years old, but your liver might only be 25 years old. Because you've really done a good job. You haven't drunk a lot of alcohol, you haven't abused your body, or if you have been abusive, you might have a 50 year old liver as an example. So I thought it was fascinating. I'm always looking at interesting ways of measuring and improving and so forth. So I went to see this guy and so I did all these tests with him and everything else. And he said, God, your organs are in great shape and everything else. And he did some just standard blood tests and so forth. And then I just forgot about it because I had most of the measurements right there. And he said, boy, you're an amazing level of health. You've got an amazing level of vitality your organs are in incredible shape. So I'm feeling really good about myself and I don't think about it. I go on, I'm doing my stuff and you know, each day I get my messages and I look down and this doctor's called me, so I'm so busy. And so I asked my secretary, would you please call him and tell him I'm really sorry I can't get back to him, I'm really busy, but just send me the report and, you know, that'd be great. And so she calls him and tries to get back to him and she says, he really says he needs to talk to you, you know, I said, just tell him I'm really sorry I'm so busy, because I really was. So I said, you know, just ask him, please, you know, we can talk. Send me the report and then we'll talk. You know, it's nothing important to me right now. I got so many other things I got to deal with. So, sure enough, I get home that night, late at night, I don't know, 10:30, 11:00 clock at night, and there on my pool table is a message. And it's from my secretary. And it says, the doctor says it's an emergency, he must speak to you. He will not talk to me personally. He said, it's an emergency. And I thought, what? And at first I got mad because you know what I thought, what kind of message is that to leave for somebody? And there was no phone number, so I couldn't call them because it was 11 o', clock, 10:45, 11 o' clock at night. So I was mad at my secretary, I was mad at the doctors, I met all this stuff. And then my brain went, oh my God, what could it be? What could it be? All of a sudden, what? Uncertain. I thought, oh, that's nothing, it's nothing. And I thought, well, what's the worst that can happen? Worst can happen be cancer. Tons of people I've seen have had cancer. I've talked to people, I've watched people. I know why they turn around, see people eliminate from their body, and I wouldn't have cancer. Maybe I was exposed to, you know, radiation, maybe I was expiring. My words are going through my head a million miles a minute, right? And all of a sudden I got uncertainty. So I get on the phone with the doctor the next day and by the way, I said, I'm not going to freak out about this, there's nothing until I know what it is. Maybe, you know, I don't know what it is, maybe he wants a ticket to a seminar. Who knows, you know? So sure enough, I get a hold him the next day and he says, I, I need to speak to you. I got him on the phone. I said, well, I'm here. That's why I'm talking to the phone. He goes, I should speak to you in person. I said, I cannot come up to la. I need to speak to right here and now on the phone. Whatever it is, tell me what it is. Whatever you think it is. What's the deal? I said, I didn't come to you because I was ill. I was healthy. I came to you to see how healthy I was. He said, yeah, but I did this blood test on you. And he said, I have to tell you something, Tony. You have an immense amount of growth hormone in your body. I said, when did you get your first clue, you know? He said, no. He said, you don't understand. He said, you have a tumor in your pituitary gland. I said, excuse me? He said, you have a pituitary tumor. He said, I don't know that it's cancerous, but it's there and it's stimulating your body to excrete all this growth hormone. I said, wait a second. I've been this big since I was 17 years old. I said, sophomore in high school, I was 5:1. I grew 10 inches in a year. He said, tony, you have so much growth hormone in your body, you have this disease. And he gave me this wonderful label and I said, hold it. Because fortunately, if you listen to the tape on certainty, uncertainty, I've learned not to get too certain too quick about anything, to get many opinions before I make a decision. I said, hold it. How do you know this? He said, well, this blood test, and it has all this growth hormone. You have this much growth hormone, it means this. I said, so you don't actually know for certain that this is true, but you're telling me? He said, listen, I'm telling you, you have one and we need to get you in here right away. He said, I think we're going to have to do surgery. I said, surgery? Surgery on what? He said, surgery on your brain. So you're going to do surgery on my brain based on one blood test? I said, are you crazy? And I started going nuts. He said, you gotta take this seriously. You can't be in denial. I said, listen, I'm not in denial. I want all the facts, but I want the facts. I said, explain to me this test. He said, well, I can't Explain. It's too complex. I said, try me. I'm a pretty intelligent guy. Walk me through it. I was getting madder and madder, right? Because I felt like he's, like, giving me the voodoo curse. And he said, well, I can't explain it to you. I don't thoroughly understand it myself. It's a new test. I said, you don't thoroughly understand. I'm managing myself. I'm, like, starting to get where I'm gonna scream at this guy, right? And at the same time, I want to hear what he has to say. So, long story short, you might guess what this did to me. I thought, he's crazy. He's insane. Then my brain goes, what if he's not? And for the first time that I can remember since I made the changes I made almost 15 years ago, I felt this emotion of uncertainty at a scary level, like, uncertain whether or not I'm gonna live a full and long life. And I was, like, battling in my head. And I really have a great deal of pride of how I control my focus. And I did a really good job. But I had my moments where I would pop back in. I thought, this is crap. I said, send me all the material. I want to read everything about it. I'm going to study everything about this and read it for myself. But you know what? I started reading all this stuff, and guess what? Have you ever read about doctors, for example, when they're in med school? They start studying a disease, and sure enough, they find that they have all the symptoms. They start manifesting them. So I say, oh, I don't even want to read this, because I'm starting to create all these things in my head. I got to be so careful here. Plus, I got to go on the road. I'm not going to buy into this. So I went on the road to the south of France, and that's where this all started, and that's where all this sense of uncertainty was. The end of the story is. I certainly got a lot of variety in my life from this, as you might guess. I met a variety of doctors, and they all tried to tell me how significant and unique I was with this problem that I had. But they didn't buy into all that. And it literally took me traveling around the world to get to five doctors before I finally got to someone who made sense to me and who could prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I really believe, which was, I was fine. I went and did an mri, and I said, I don't want to Put anything into my brain. I don't want to put any radioactive dye into my brain. I got nothing wrong. Now, we stick that in there, I'll have a real problem. So he said, okay, well, we have this non radioactive stuff that will make the pictures show up better. He said, I'm on your side. I agree. We over test. I agree some of the tests are invasive and create problems. He was a great doctor. He said, but when you go to the mri, he said, if they see an abnormality, so we can see exactly what it is, when they roll you back out, they'll give you this stuff that's non radioactive, but it'll make it show up. I said, all right, on that circumstance only. So I got put in this mri. You want to talk about uncertainty, Bill? This thing's shaking like crazy. You feel like I'm a little coffin being pushed in. I hope you've never had to have the experience. And sure enough, I'm in there for I don't know how long. The thing slides out, I'm ready to get off. And the guy says, don't get off. He said, we have to give you something. I said, I said I wasn't going to take that. He said, you said you weren't going to take it unless there was abnormality and there is one. And I lay back down on the slab and they push me back in the machine. And that's when you really have to practice everything you've learned, which I did. I said, I'm not going to get upset until I know exactly what it is and whatever it is. I develop certainty by my faith. My faith that I'm here for a reason, I got a purpose. And whatever it is, I can figure a solution, I can make it happen. And if not, then I want to make sure, however long I'm here, that I maximize it. I've done a pretty good job of that so far. I'll continue to do it. So I came back out, and then I had to wait half a day to find out what it meant. The doctor got me on the phone and I said, so what's the deal? And he said, well, it's true, you've had a pituitary tumor. And he said, that's why you grew 10 inches in a year, because it put this pressure on your pituitary gland and released all this growth hormone. And that's why you exploded in growth. That's why you have these huge hands, huge feet. That's why you explode in size. But he said, but then the tumor infarcated on itself. Horrible term infarcated, right? But I said, what does that mean? He said, it collapsed in on itself. It literally starved itself and disappeared. You're fine. There's a little tiny spot in there. He said that it could do something, maybe. He said, you know, maybe we ought to operate. I said, wait a second. Maybe ought to operate. I said, do I have any symptoms? He said, no, nothing else shows that you've got any problem. I said, well, this must have happened 17 years ago. He goes, yeah, but, you know, just to be safe, you might want to go in and do something. So just go in there and, you know, cut it out. Just so you can feel certain that you don't have to worry about it. I said, I'm a lot more uncertain about you opening up my brain and messing with my pituitary gland. And so he was a really nice doctor, and he said, well, you know, you really can certainly say the other thing you could do is you could take these drugs. And he said, these drugs? Well, I said, what are the side effects? And one of the side effects of the drugs is it makes you feel like you're sedated. He said, you just take them for the rest of your life. Can you imagine me being sedated? I said, here's a power. Welcome to power, doc. Oh, my gosh. So the bottom line is, I went to another doctor, and next doctor said he wanted to cut me open. I went through the whole thing. He said, yeah, but you can't take a chance. I said, why don't we just monitor it? But they kept saying, but, you know, even though it's infarcated, you have this high level of growth hormone in your body, and, you know, it's so high, it's at this huge level. And I forget what the ratio was. They told me back then, but it's like, you know, 300% higher or 400% higher than other people. I said, well, I know people are taking growth hormone, you know, so they get great muscles. It makes you young, keeps you energetic and keeps you strong. I said, well, yeah. I said, so looks like I got about 500 bucks a day with the growth hormone here. Why would I get rid of that? Doctor started laughing. He said, but you got to take this seriously. I said, well, let's look. What would that do? He said, well, if it was out of control, your heart valves would get bigger. So we did the scan. My heart valves were fine. Went through all these things. He said, well, you still. Just to be certain, just to be certain, you should just do this, because after all, if you take the drugs, then you can be certain. If you have a surgery, you can be certain. I said, listen, I got my own certainty. That's what it would take you to be certain. In the midst of all these things, I had tremendous uncertainty until I finally got it resolved by meeting with this one doctor. At the end. I was this last patient who's 75 years old, genius doctor, he's one of the fathers of this study of pituitary. And I kept asking all these doctors, is it possible that because I put myself in this incredibly intense state, that by doing that, just like I know I can fire off my adrenal glands, I'm firing off growth hormone? And he said, absolutely no one else, no other doctor in the whole country could tell me that. He said, tony, the way you live stimulates growth hormone because of the demand you make. He said, listen, we've got people in their 70s and 80s who we're doing weight training with, both men and women. I said, don't tell me, I've read the stories, I've read the articles. I said, you know, what it's doing is the demand they're making is causing growth hormone to be released and it's keeping them young and they're developing the same strength as 30 year olds. He said, that's absolutely right, only it's not only 30 year olds, but as strong as 20 and 30 year old men and women, people in their 70s and 80s. He said, you got a great gift. He said, but Tony, you know, he said, I gotta tell you something. He said, I'm into drugs. So he said, what I would suggest is drug you just to be safe. He said, if you go to a baker, they're gonna bake. You go to surgeon, they're gonna want to cut you. You go to me, I want to drug you. He said, but you're pretty clear about what you want to do. He said, listen, if you just want to monitor this. He said, it's probably been 17 years. It's probably just totally fine. There seems to be no side effect in your body whatsoever. But if you want the drugs, he said, you know, I'd be happy to give them to you because it's something just to add certainty. I said, I'd much rather just monitor and see if there's any problem here. So I'm fine. But I'll tell you what, it took me forever. And you know what? It took me one more reference, and that was I had visited with Deepak Chopra, who's one of the most brilliant people I know in the world, and he's an endocrinologist. Why didn't it start with him? I'm not quite sure. I guess because I was off into the spiritual realm and the gap and not thought to go see him. But I talked to him and he said, tony, let me look at your levels. And he showed me the ratio. He said, tony, he said, I've been an endocrinologist for 25 years. I gotta tell you something. Anybody with this ratio, he said, this ratio's not extraordinary. I would never do surgery on somebody with this ratio. I would never give drugs to somebody. This ratio. He said, there are people, the ratio five to ten times this, and then we consider doing surgery. I said, everybody else is telling me how nuts if I got it. He said, tony, there's natural variation. He said, this is probably just in the natural variation for your body. So finally, a combination of new references, I was finally able to get certain again. And I've gone back now it's been 18 months and everything measured. Nothing has changed. I'm totally fine. But it took all that time to get there. But after a few people, I finally decided to enter, not only getting evidence, but also a little bit of faith. Because you know what? You can be scared about crossing the street, and then you won't do anything there either. But I gotta tell you something. I now know what it means not to have certainty. And it makes me appreciate what people are going through when they feel that level of uncertainty. It is a need. And if it's taken away, it's difficult, by the way. No one can take it away. I took it away from myself. I could blame the doctor all day long, he's just trying to help me. He's doing what he knows best. He's doing what he's trained to do. But what I did is I started to create all these questions. And by the way, it's useful sometimes. I had to get the answer to the questions. That would be stupid just to say, oh, I'm certain, and not look at it and not investigate. But it's equally stupid to keep asking a question forever. Because if you keep asking a question, you're going to doubt it. If you say, well, what if I screw up? What if I don't follow through? You're going to create uncertainty and doubt, not because there's something to doubt, but because asking about something over and over again creates the doubt. So if you want to have certainty, I'll tell you one of the biggest Skills, getting quality information, getting multiple opinions. But I'll tell you the other thing that will give you certainty, and that is making certain that you apply some of your faith as well. It's still the ultimate power. So think about this for a moment. If we have a need for certainty, how do we meet it? How do we meet that need? And then you begin to understand the second part of understanding how to make your life work. We all have the same needs, but we've all developed different vehicles, different ways of meeting those needs. Now, what the heck is a vehicle? A vehicle is anything you use as a tool to meet your emotional need to meet this deep need for certainty. So, for example, how would one get a sense of certainty in their life if they really needed it? Well, there are lots of ways. What some people do when their whole life is in a terrible shape and they don't know what to do, and they're feeling tremendous uncertainty at work, and they don't know what's going to happen. They don't know if the company's going to downsize or right size. I mean, look at the world we're in. Boy, you talk about a need for certainty. The world used to be really predictable, but it isn't anymore. We don't know at any moment something can change because information is happening so rapidly. Change is happening more rapidly at any time in life. So it's hard to predict what's going to happen. So, boy, this need for certainty gets even stronger. So what do you do in the midst of all this stuff? You grab something and it'll make you feel certain you can be comfortable because that's really what we're talking about. You might think of this need as certainty, comfort. That's really what the need is. And I'll tell you what most people do. Reach for some food. That's right. I'm all stressed out. Go eat something. Mmm. Yeah. Now I can be comfortable. All that food slams into my stomach. I start to breathe again. Hey, I'm certain I'm gonna survive. There's food in there. We don't realize it, but it's just a way we know we can predict, will make us comfortable. Other people are not into their food. No, they're more type A types. No, the way they get certain is, go fix that desk. Yes, they got this 8 billion dollar decision. They'll just put that aside because that's too tough. What they do is organize their desk. Gives them a sense of control. With a sense of control, we feel what certain? Take a look. My desk Is all nice now. It only took me four hours. I got to avoid the big decision I was uncertain about. Do something. I'm very certain. I am certain I can be competent in organizing my desk. I feel so much better. But it hasn't solved the real problem. Some people do it by controlling other people. If I can get you to do all the things I want you to do at any moment, then obviously I'm in control. If I have control, then I don't have to worry about how you're going to respond. I know how you're going to respond to me. I have no uncertain predict your response because I'm in control of it. The problem with this particular vehicle for getting certainty and comfort, it violates another need we have for love, for connection. But we'll get to that. The point of the matter is some people, as a vehicle to get certainty, knowing how important is their lives, what they do is they create a negative identity for themselves. What do I mean? Well, have you ever done something or watched somebody, because I'm sure you've never done this, but have you ever watched somebody else like disappoint themselves time after time? And then what do they do? They adapt. For example, let's say somebody procrastinates over and over again. And they really try to achieve something. But they procrastinate, really try to achieve, and they procrastinate. They're disappointed with themselves. Here's the simple way to get around it. All you got to do is say, you know what? I'm just a procrastinator. That's just who I am. Guess what that gives you. Certainty. Certainty that in the future you won't follow through. So you feel comfortable with it. So rather than being disappointed with yourself and upset and wondering whether you're gonna follow through or not, you can at least predict it. Some people try consistency as a way to be certain. In other words, if I can just do the same thing today and the same thing tomorrow and have the same basic regimen, then I can predict my life. I can predict my life. I have certainty. But again, the problem with that is the world is changing too rapidly. If you do the same thing day after day after day in business, you won't be in business years from now because somebody else is gonna come by and do it better. They're gonna use that little concept called constant never ending improvement. Can I? They're going to innovate and you're going to be in the dust. So that old approach to prediction by consistency, it just doesn't Work. The world is changing too fast. Now, what are some positive ways, and by the way, on these vehicles. Think of it this way. Some vehicles are neutral. What I mean by neutral is, you know, they meet your need, but they don't really improve your life. Some vehicles are destructive. I mean, they flat mess your life up if you use that vehicle. But the problem is you can go eat like crazy and feel comfortable each time you eat, but you're violating other needs you have in your life. But it's seductive. Are you following me on this? I know I'm kind of early in the discussion, but please catch this with me. In other words, sometimes we do something that doesn't really serve us, but it feels good, but is not good for us. And it feels good in the moment because it meets one of our needs for something to be a Class 1 experience, it needs to meet all of our needs, or at least the vast majority of them. Now, what are some positive vehicles we could utilize in this concept of getting certainty? Because we all need it. It's not a question of whether we need it or not. It is an absolute need. Well, I can tell you one of the most powerful ones is to create a positive identity for yourself, to say, you know what, instead of getting all worried. And by the way, what is worry? It's uncertainty, isn't it? You're worried it's not going to work out. You're worried this is going to happen. You're worried that's going to, oh, my gosh, what if this doesn't work? What if that doesn't work? It's a horrible state to be in. Here's the antidote to worry. Just being willing to decide that your vehicle for certainty is you're going to have faith. As I started to say, my core belief that's gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life is I really believe that I am guided. And I'm not telling you what to believe spiritually in any way, shape or form. I respect whatever you believe, but whatever you believe, no matter what religion, the world we speak about, every religion talks about the power of belief or. Or specifically faith, that absolute certainty that comes from nowhere except that you decide to have it. And we forget we have that skill. In fact, I did a whole power talk years ago on faith. But I'm telling you another way is just to have a positive identity for yourself. I mean, for me, I have been through so many things in my life, and I'm sure you have, too. We've all been through trying times Times when it looks so bad, Times when it looks like it would never turn around. Times when it looked like, you know, everything was against you. When winter looked like it was gonna last forever, when it seemed like there would never be a daytime, it was always gonna be night. You've had those kinds of times in your life, haven't you? I know I have. But you know what's pulled me through? I've lived enough life. And I'm still a baby, I'm still a youngster in life, but I've lived enough life, I have enough experience that I can look back. And if you're smart, you can do this, too. You can say, you know what? I've been through everything. You can imagine. Whatever you throw at me, I always find a way to turn around. Always find I've got so many experiences when it seemed like nothing could work and I found my way through it, or I hung out long enough till it turned around. You know, the season does change. You know, it doesn't stay winter forever, even if you don't do very much. But if you get better, somehow it tends to affect your personal, emotional seasons at least. And it certainly has worked that way for me. So what I can tell you is there are a lot of positive ways to have certainty. You know, you can have certainty because you know that you're a giver. And since you're always giving, you don't have to worry about will you be taken care of. You believe in karma, or you believe in the concept of what you put out comes back tenfold. These philosophies, these belief systems, will give you certainty. But how do most people try to get certainty? They use an artificial vehicle. And that's why they live in fear. They think that if they have enough money, they'll be certain. But see, no matter how much money you have, as soon as you get a lot of money, then you worry, well, you know, what if somebody takes it? What if they tax it? You know, what if somebody sues me? You know, then you got all those worries, so you still don't have certainty. Some people say, well, once I get a relationship with somebody I really care about, then I'll be certain. Then I'll be comfortable. Then I'll finally have that sense of pleasure. Because that's what we're really talking about. Certainty, you can be comfortable. Certainty, you can have pleasure and not pain. But sure enough, when you start interacting with another human being, guess what? You're gonna have a lot more pleasure. And you're gonna have moments at least Moments where there may be a little bit of pain because human beings have conflicts that show up. It's part of being a human being. It's part of what makes us grow. So there are lots of ways to meet this need. But here's the real caveat. Here's where the real problem comes in. Let me ask you a question. What happens when you get totally certain? Well, the first thing happens. You feel confident, don't you? Yes, indeed. I feel pretty strong. I'm pretty good at this. And then after a while, when you absolutely can predict what's going to happen, you know when this happens that occurs, you can just predict it. When you have total, complete certainty, what happens? Well, you lose your edge, right? Because suddenly you think you just know it. So you don't grow as much. But there's another phase beyond that if you're totally able to predict. All right, let's say your spouse. I know what he's gonna say again. I know What? Every time we go there, she says this. Every time we go there, he says that, I know. Oh, you know what? Then he'll say this. Then she'll say that. What happens? What emotion do you feel when you're totally certain all the time? That's right. Boredom. Right, boredom. Let me tell you something. The bottom line is that when we're bored, we're unhappy, we're unfulfilled. We've got to be able to break through boredom. So guess what? We do. The reason, by the way, I want to make sure I'm clear about this. When you totally satiate a need, you get unhappy. And here's the killer. The killer is that you have a second need that is directly in conflict with this first need. But see, that's the paradox, because here's the second need, the second human need, the second goal of life is simply this. You need uncertainty. That's right. You need uncertainty. You need it. You don't just want it, you don't desire it. You may try to avoid it, but you need it. All human beings need uncertainty, variety to give you another word. Because everyone, coming from our background, we have different linguistic representations. All that means is different words to represent what feelings mean to us. So when I say for you uncertainty or variety, you might substitute another word in your mind. Like, we all have a need for surprise. That's another way of describing uncertainty or variety. Or we all have a need for diversity or challenge or difference. I mean, this is where the excitement of life comes from. Certainty can give you that comfort, right? Certainty can give you that sense of peace. But see, if you just sit around in peace all the time, you're one bored sucker. You don't know what's going to happen. And I'll tell you something. This man who was inviting me to come see him was in the shower thinking about who wanted me to coach him. He had everything in life he could imagine. He had two daughters that totally love and adore him, think he's the greatest thing on earth. He has a person in his life who will take care of everything. His right arm. All he has to do is say, I want this. And it occurs. He's got homes all over the world. In fact, he had just won this big award because his home had one of the finest or the finest home in the south of France. The finest garden in the south of France. You know, he has this amazing yacht. He has more money than he can spend in his entire lifetime. And guess what? He was totally depressed. Why? Why? Why? I mean, here's this man's got all his dreams, and he's depressed because he was so certain he knew what was going to happen, when it was going to happen, how it was going to happen. I mean, he had no surprise in his life, no challenge, nothing he's uncertain about. He was working so hard because his whole goal is, Tony, I just want to be at peace. I just want to be at peace all the time, he said. And I don't know what it is. It's a hard time being at peace. Well, guess what? You're never going to be at peace, because you're not designed to be at peace. You want to be at peace? Go get dead. That's dead. Dead equals peace, right? Life is movement. Life is emotion. Life is feeling. Guess what? Our Creator was smart enough to give us needs that appear to be in conflict, but actually serve us. We have a need for certainty, and simultaneously, we have a need for uncertainty. And that is a paradox. Remember what paradox means. Paradox simply means you have two things that appear to be in conflict, but they act, are complementary, they serve us. And I'll show you how it works. If you're smart, if you know what to look for, if you pay attention to what I'm talking about right now. Because here's what you do. Think about it. How do we get this sense of uncertainty in a positive sense? We just said we don't want to be totally uncertain, but we don't want to be totally certain either. Either one of those is a terrible place. If you're totally uncertain, you're freaked out. If you're totally certain. You're bored. I'll give you a quick example. Think about this. How do you get that sense of variety in your life? And when is it triggered? Let's take a context. Let's look at relationships for a moment. So let's say in the very beginning in a relationship, what are you looking for? Well, you're looking for a lot of things, and I'm not going to mention them all because they meet some of these other human needs. And I want to keep you in a little bit of suspense and not confuse you. So let's just look at one need. Part of what you want is you want certainty that this person is somebody who really cares about you, right? This somebody really loves you. This is somebody that you can depend on if you're going to be in a relationship. This is somebody that you're going to be stimulated by mentally, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, every sense of your life. But what happens when you're totally certain in a relationship? What happens? You get bored. So then what do people do? Well, they have a need for uncertainty. So I'll tell you. They do one of several things. Suddenly they find that uncertainty, that variety, that challenge in their work. And the person says, why aren't they home with me anymore? Because there isn't the same level of variety. There isn't the same stimulation. Or. Or they finally decide, this is the wrong person for me, and they leave that person. It's just the wrong relationship. It's boring. It's not stimulating anymore. It's not growing. I need more variety in my life. So I'm going to go out with somebody else, goodbye, our relationship's over, or the person may cheat on this person. In fact, here was one of the big questions I've had over the last four or five years, especially A date with Destiny, Because I've realized throughout the years that what controls human behavior is our beliefs and our values. And I would see people and I'd read and they'd share with me their personal lives. And I'd see this person as really a good human being with really high standards for themselves, really high values, as an example. And I'd read about this woman, and she'd be cheating on her husband. And I'd be thinking, but this is totally in conflict with her values. How could this be? And then it became obvious. When I understood the six human needs, she was very comfortable with him. But she had no surprise. There was no challenge. There was no creation. There was no uncertainty there. And she wanted it so bad. So she chose a poor vehicle, and as a result, now here she's in this, and she felt bad about it. But you know what's interesting? People will violate their values to meet their needs. It's not a good thing if you pick the wrong vehicle. It creates more pain. It becomes one of those experiences that feels good but isn't good for you, isn't good for others, doesn't serve the greater good. So you have to be careful those. It's so easy to get seduced. I know I've been seduced by situations in my life. Food situations that didn't make sense. We all can relate to that. But what you got to realize, okay, what need am I trying to meet? Let's see if I can meet that need in a more productive way. So coming back to the example of relationships. So some people get it out of their work now, and then the relationship suffers. Some people do it by way of leaving the relationship. Some people do it by way of cheating. Some people do it by just saying, I won't be in a relationship. I'll find it from some other area of my life completely. So it's not just limited to relationship. Relationship is one vehicle for creating both certainty and uncertainty simultaneously. And anybody who's been in a relationship has probably experienced both of those emotions. But let's go back to uncertainty, variety, that second need for a moment. And let's discuss just briefly a list of potential vehicles for creating these feelings. Let's take a look at some of the things you do day to day to try and meet these needs. I'll give you a classic example. Why do you go to a movie? Why do you go to a sporting event? Variety, surprise, uncertainty. You're not sure. I mean, if you knew exactly how the game was going to go and you could predict who was going to hit what at what time, and you knew exactly who was going to win or lose. And do you think you'd really go? Maybe. If you're really craving certainty, I guess. But usually most of us go for the variety, for the surprise. Why do you go to a movie? Because you know that the. The hero's not gonna get killed. You're certain that in the end, at least you won't get killed. But in the meantime, you get to vicariously have their uncertainty, the uncertainty of the character. In fact. Don't you usually get mad when in the end they hurt the person you knew couldn't be hurt? Right. Because it took away something you were counting on sometimes. Think about it. Have you ever gone to a video store and rented a video. Of course you have. Have you ever rented a video of a film you've already seen? I bet you have. Why? Why would you rent a video you've already seen? Well, the answer's obvious. You're certain it's gonna feel good, and you're also hoping you've forgotten enough, that maybe there'll be some variety for you there. See, that's the bottom line. What are some of the other sources? Well, some people use alcohol. I mean, culturally. We reinforce this idea that alcohol is a way to instantly create a change. Because think about it. When we talk about variety or uncertainty, we're talking about a state change. We're talking about changing the way we feel. And when you drink alcohol or if you take a drug, you have an instant change in your biochemistry. You have an instant, radical change in your state. But I want to remind you of something. These are destructive ways of meeting your needs. They may meet your needs in the short term, but they'll cost you in the long term. These are classes, three experiences. They feel good in the short term, but they aren't good for you. They don't serve other people and they don't serve the greater good. And it's so easy to get seduced into these vehicles. But I want to tell you something. The reason we don't give them up is because they meet some of our needs. But I want you to think about your needs. And one more distinction. Think of each one of these needs on a 0 to 10 scale, where 0 is no fulfillment and 10 is total fulfillment. You know, by drinking alcohol, for example, you might feel a sense of variety, a change of state that on a scale from 0 to 10, might feel as good as a level three. But it's not totally fulfilling, is it? Because it's gonna bite you the next morning, and you know it. So it's not totally fulfilling. Unlike something where, you know, there's no downside, it only feels good. Those tend to give you a level 9 or 10. So one of the seductions in life, as I mentioned, is that very often we want to make a change. And we say, why can't I get myself to change? Why can't I get myself to stop overeating? Well, I'll tell you one reason. Because right now you perceive the eating gives you certainty. You can be comfortable and it gives you variety. Or you perceive that doing drugs or using alcohol, you're certain it'll give you a change of state, a surprise, a variety. So it's very difficult when it's meeting some of your needs, but it doesn't meet all of them. And part of what I'm going to show you how to do in this tape is to develop some new patterns of fulfillment so you don't just get rid of something if you ever try to stop smoking. And smoking used to make you comfortable. Smoking when you're bored gave you something to do, gave you some variety, some distraction. If you don't find a new vehicle that's just as easy to use, that'll give you that comfort and variety right away, then you're gonna go back to smoking, you're gonna go back to drinking. That's obvious. That's the biggest problem. Discipline never works because discipline says, I'm not gonna do this vehicle anymore. But discipline's not enough. Cause if you don't replace the vacuum, your needs still have to be met. So you go back to the old vehicle, you know, works. It doesn't work perfectly, doesn't work well, but it works enough that you're gonna keep doing it. Does that make sense to you? What else do people do? I'll tell you, in relationships with some people, do things get so certain, they pick a fight. Because guess what? You know, this relationship's too predictable, it's too good. Let's do something here. Great. Little variety in here. They don't do it consciously, but they do it unconsciously just to get some difference going. Now, some people just go get a new relationship for variety, or they go get a new job, or they get a new location to live in. But, you know, the problem with all these is they don't last. You can get variety by a simple conversation. If we have a stimulating conversation about some new idea, it's fun, it's variety, but it doesn't have anything negative to do with it. Like some of the other things we've mentioned. You can take on a brand new challenge. And taking that challenge creates some uncertainties in a positive sense that'll make you grow. You can do something like learn something new, or you can do what I call re. Chunk your focus, start to notice the little things. So hear me now. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what your environment is like. There is variety there. You just have to look for the difference. But see, unless you know what the goal of the game is, you're gonna miss out. You gotta say, how do I get variety? And by the way, that's what I want you to answer right now. How do you tend to get certainty in your life that you can have comfort. Do you avoid situations, for example, that you think might be confrontational because then you're at least certain you can be comfortable? Of course, it never works long term, does it? Because it's really not good for you, it's not good for the other person. Feels good, doesn't serve the greater good. What class is that? That's right. Class three experience. You want to avoid class three experiences. And they're very seductive because in the short term they tend to meet a little bit of your needs. But I want you to think about this. Each one of these needs, whether it be certainty or uncertainty, this need for comfort or this need for variety. They have a 0 to 10 scale. 10 is total fulfillment, 0 is nothing. A lot of times, for example, you could go try and control other people and be somewhat successful at it. So you feel a level of fulfillment of maybe level 4 on a 0 to 10. In the area of sense of certainty, I'm controlling people. But it's not really totally fulfilling, but it's fulfilling enough. You may not change. So I got a question for you because I'm going to show you how to change these things if you want to, in a few moments. Tell me this. How do you try and get certainty in your life? How do you try to be certain you can be comfortable, you can avoid pain and gain pleasure? What are some of your strategies? What are some of the good ones? What are some of the ones that may not be so good? I want you to think about that because by the end of this tape, I'm going to have you make a list of these. You don't have to write them down right now, but I want to start planting the seed in your mind. How about variety? What are some of the ways you create uncertainty in a positive sense? What are some of the ways you create surprise in your life? How do you create those kinds of challenges and that diversity? So now we understand the paradox between these two needs. What do we need? We need certainty, comfort. Certainly we can be pleasurable. We can avoid pain. And we need uncertainty, a sense of variety and surprise. And there is a way to meet both of these. Now let's go to the third need, the third human need. The third goal of life for all human beings, whether they know it consciously or not, is we all have a need for significance. Significance. Now, again, we all have different words, different linguistic impressions of what these emotions mean. So I'll give you some other phrases that mean significance. We all have a need to be needed. That's One way of being significant. We all have a need to feel important, A need to have a sense of purpose in our life, to feel like we're unique in some way, to have a unique sense of meaning for our lives. That's all about significance. This is not a desire, this is not something you just want. This is a need. This is up there with your physical needs. This is the emotional need of your life that drives all human beings. And this is the driving force in human beings lives. So what do I mean by this? What are ways we do this? Well, let's look at vehicles really quickly. One of the ways that you can feel significant is tear everybody else down. See, I'm more significant than you are because you're terrible. That's one way. And unfortunately this is what happens with a lot of people in the culture. Another way to do it is violence. Listen, if I live in the hood in LA and no one's paying attention, they make me feel like I'm unimportant. I pull out a gun and stick it to your head. You watch how fast I'm significant, instantaneously I'm a significant person. See, it's one of the reasons that violence has been with humanity for so long. Because violence is an instantaneous way, instant way to be significant. If you didn't have any education, any background, you didn't work in anything, you've been frustrated, overwhelmed, you're violent, you're significant. Unfortunately it works and that's that when something works and something meets a need, you're going to see it over and over again. Because if there's one phrase I'd like you to think about, it's this. Whatever human beings do, they have a reason. And the reason is at some level they believe that their current behavior, their current approach, either consciously or subconsciously, they believe it's going to meet one of their needs. Even if it hurts other needs, they know it's going to meet one of them. So they do it anyway. What's another way of meeting the need of significance? Well, some people do it through a negative identity. Well, if I have a disease, if I have some psychological challenge disorder. So here this person is, this person has this tremendous feelings of fear and pain and they feel down all the time and they're depressed, they don't know why, they don't know what it is. And so then they go to a well meaning psychologist or psychiatrist who's been trained to look for these specific criteria, these specific symptoms. And when they find them now they know what they can tell Them they are. Now you are a manic depressive. And the person's like, almost relieved, like, oh, it's not my fault. That's what, it's me. That's me. And then they tell everybody, say, oh, you know what? It's amazing. I'm with a psychiatrist and I know why this happening to me. It's because I'm a manic depressive. Or, you know, it's because I'm an obsessive compulsive. Now we have this wonderful term. So guess what? Two things happen. Now. I am certain at least why this is happening to me. I'm also certain that it's not my fault. It's, of course, a disease. But more importantly, it gives me significance. You know, you don't understand. This is the way I am. You know, I can predict it. You gotta be all, know that this is what I gotta deal with. It's just part of what I'm dealing with in my life. Plus, some people almost brag about it. It's like a badge of courage. Some people getting ill gives them significance. No one was paying attention. No one made them feel important or needed. And suddenly they're ill or deathly ill. And everyone comes and spends time with them. Suddenly they become important. See, subconsciously, our brain learns many ways to meet needs. And some are destructive, some are neutral, and some are very positive. What are some other ways of doing it? Well, positive ways. Some people feel a sense of significance by learning certain things, by knowing the answer. And by knowing the answer makes them feel like they have a special purpose, something they can contribute, something that's unique. Some people do it by just degrees. Doesn't matter what they're learning. It's the fact that they've achieved certain letters after the name, and that means uniqueness, that means distinction. Listen, when you hear the word doctor, that brings up a different distinction, Senator. That brings up a different distinction. And depending upon what people do in life, everyone wants significance. Now, you might say, well, I'm not like that. I'm not into my ego like those people. I'm a spiritual person. I'm not seduced by all that materialistic crap. Not me. I'm a lover of God and people. I feel united with all that is. And yet, isn't that your way of feeling significant? To know that you have a relationship with your creator, to know that you have that understanding, that's your way of getting significance. So don't make somebody else wrong because they picked a different vehicle. They're not wrong. You're right. They just picked a different vehicle. The differences in people are not their needs. We all have the same needs. The difference is merely the vehicles we've learned to try to fulfill them. That's where the conflicts come up. Because we tend to look and go. That person is wrong because they try it this approach. They're not wrong. They just made a different choice. One that may be less fulfilling than yours, may be more fulfilling than yours. It's hard to judge. It's hard to make a clear evaluation of what's most fulfilling through the filter of your own beliefs. But just remember, there are lots of ways to do it. What are some other ones? Well, there's other materialistic ones, like collecting all the toys, right? Or achieving a lot, you know, by achieving, one feels a sense of uniqueness in their life, a sense of purpose. Sometimes someone feels a sense of significance, right? Like they've done something that's important. All these things drive human beings. And aren't we really interested in knowing what drives us? Because if you know what drives you, you can learn how to turn it on. You don't have to get that temporary leverage. You know what I mean, where you say, oh, yeah, I want to work hard so I can lose some weight for the next two weeks so I can fit in this outfit. I'll be really looking good for the party. But see, that doesn't last Drive is when you start seeing your body as the temple of God. Now, what you do with that body may be a different level of significance. Remember what I've said. If you change your perception, you'll change your level of fulfillment. Any one of these six human needs. And I know this idea may not have taken root yet, but it will. You'll begin to understand as I wrap these up. But let's come back to this, then. What are the other ways of doing this? Well, some people do it just through style. They have a sense of uniqueness by the way they dress, by the way they speak, by the way they move, by all those funny, weird things they do. Some people feel significant because they're eccentric, they're crazy, they're bizarre. And they take great pride in it because it makes them unique. It makes them different. What's another vehicle for this? How about children? Well, you know what's interesting when I ask women, and I look for women, what their needs are, and I come to significance, the words that they usually claim first without me offering them, is that they have a need to feel needed. Now, this is not a sexist comment. It's just what I can tell you cross culturally, I hear the most, at least in the English language and the translations of it. But men talk more about feeling important. Now, I know both of them have both needs, but linguistically, it's what people tend to represent. And it's interesting that more women will usually communicate meeting their needs to their children than men. I think that may have a lot to do with cultural conditioning, unfortunately. But children are certainly a form of significance for most of us if we have the privilege of having them at least. Now, what's another skill? Well, developing a certain skill set can make you feel unique or significant. You know, for me, one of my ways for doing this is feeling like I have an extraordinary level of compassion. That's part of why I give so much way beyond what people would expect, because it meets one of my needs to feel like I have a unique sense of purpose, I'm doing something unique in life, that I'm really giving something in a special way. That sense of uniqueness and giving and specialness is something that I get back out of my giving. So that's part of what drives me. Everyone's got their way. What's your way? What is your way or ways? What are the vehicles you use to try and feel significant? Some people use money. Some people use friendships. Some people measure it by who they know. Some people use learning. What way do you use? Really think about this for a moment. What are the things you do that make you feel significant or unique or needed? Where in your life do you have that need being fulfilled? It's an interesting idea, but let's take this to the obvious extreme again. What do you think happens? We know what happens when you satiate your certainty, you get bored. When you satiate uncertainty, you freak out. What happens when you're totally significant? Go, I don't know. I've never felt that way before. I'd like to have that problem. Well, I can give you a little clue. There is a point when no matter how many times somebody says you're great, you know, it's like you don't need to hear it, you appreciate it, but it doesn't give you significance anymore. Just hearing something verbally, that doesn't do it. I'll tell you the biggest challenge. To be significant, you have to be different. If you're really totally different, it violates the fourth human need, the fourth goal of life, which is the need for connection and love. I mean, think about it. Isn't that what we all really want? Isn't that what every soul yearns for? But here's the problem. If you're so busy being significant, being unique, right? What do you think happens? You're being different. And you know what? That separates you from other people. I can tell you all the celebrity clients that I have, you talk to these people, and they've all gone through a phase. And some people still experience feeling separate from everyone else because they're so different. They're so unique. They're, quote, unquote, so special. They don't have that sense of connection anymore. They don't feel like they can just go outside and go shopping. They can't just be a person. Everybody's holding them up. They have to be a certain way. They can't just be themselves. It cuts the connection. So here we are, wanting so deeply in our lives to be so special, to be so unique, and then wondering why we don't feel fulfilled, because we don't feel that same level of love and connection. Now, what are some of the vehicles? Well, again, you can start out with destructive vehicles. You can get yourself, or you do something you get sympathy for and call that love, because at least it connects you. You can get sick or get injured. You can commit some negative act like a crime. Again, you can use violence, pull out a gun. What does it do? Instant significance and instant connection. You can't ignore this person who's now in your life here with a gun to your head. Why do people join gangs? Why do kids do that? People say, well, just say no. Well, it's hard to say no when you realize what a gang does. It meets four needs. They're not being met at home by this child. Number one, when you join a gang, what do you have? You have a sense of connection and love instantaneously. What else do you have? When you become a Crip or a Blood as an example, instantly you have an identity. You are significant. You walk down the street with that jacket. You wear those colors. People respond to you differently. Third, it instantly gives you a variety. Think about it. Suddenly your life that was so boring has got all kinds of surprises. You don't know at any moment what might happen. There's an uncertainty. Somebody may shoot at you, and all of a sudden there might be a fight. All of a sudden, all the adrenaline shooting through your body, boy, you got some variety in your life, and yet you still have more certainty because you're not alone. You've got these other people that are part of your gang. Why do you think throughout human history, people come together? Because by coming together in a gang, in a Negative sense. Or a club or a. Or an organization or a community or a church or anything else. You can meet all four of these needs simultaneously. By the way, these first four needs I call the fundamental needs, and I'm going to give you the last two in a moment, which are the primary and essential needs that must be met if you're going to be totally fulfilled as a person. Now, what are some of the other ways to feel the sense of connection? We can do it by our relationships with other people, with friends, with family, with our children. Intimate relationships. All of these create for us a tremendous sense of connection. Sexuality is a tremendous experience of total connection. Spirituality, the sense of connection with our creator. One of the ultimate connections of love in our entire lives that we could ever experience. And we can have it daily if we choose to. What else does it. Being in nature. Haven't you had the experience of walking on a beach or being in the mountains or being in a forest or someplace, someplace in nature and just feeling just totally connected to nature, to God, or to yourself? Connecting with yourself is a powerful thing. Few people take the time to do anymore. They're so busy trying to get it all done, they wonder why they're not fulfilled. They're not connecting. They're not taking the time to connect with themselves. Another way to do this is pets. I have friends. I have one friend in particular that's got every kind of animal on the face of the earth, right? Because pets are a tremendous connection. I've watched people, for example, who are elderly, who don't have anybody in their life anymore. And they get this little puppy, they get this little cat, and their whole life changes because, you know, a puppy or a dog, for example, will make you feel totally significant and totally loved. You get to meet both of them simultaneously. Just try this. Go outside to get the paper and have the dog see you leave and then come back. It's like you've been gone for six months. They're so excited to see you, right? You know, it's like you're the most important thing in their entire life. You get all this love. You get all the significance. I mean, heck. And you know what? They're low maintenance compared to some of the people in your life, right? So some people say, heck, I'll go with animals. They're a lot easier approach. The bottom line is pets are a great way to do it. I'll tell you another way to have a sense of connection. Self sacrifice. You give your all. You do something you aren't doing just for you you go to that level, and sure enough, there's something about that that goes beyond almost any other experience in life. Self sacrifice that's unconsciously is not a Class 2 experience. It's a Class 1 experience. It actually feels good because you know you're doing what's good, what's good for you, what's good for others, and that which serves the greater good. What else can you do for a sense of connection? Well, you can join a team or a club. You can just appreciate beauty. Just looking at a piece of art can give you a sense of connection. Right? There's so many ways some people do it by going to the movies and they get connected to the person on the screen. So again, there are negative ways, there are neutral ways, and there are positive ways of meeting this need. But here's where the paradox comes in. Again, let's take a look at an example of relationships. Going back to that example. Remember, we saw the challenges that happened between the need for certainty and uncertainty in a relationship. Well, let's use the same context of relationship around significance and connection and love. So in a relationship, what happens? In the beginning, you're so excited because this person notices you and loves you and you feel so significant. But sometimes what happens is we feel less significant because we don't get the same level of attention. They still love us, but we don't feel significant enough. So all of a sudden we don't feel very fulfilled. So we do something so that they know that we're significant in their lives. Well, you know what? When you try to demand significance, you rarely get it from somebody. Usually people get turned off, right? Isn't that what we call ego? Somebody's, like, going around trying to show us how important they are. What they're really saying is they're crying out, saying, I want to feel like I'm important. I want to feel like I'm needed in some way. I want to feel loved. But most people don't know how to say that. So they do silly things that usually push people away. I'll give you a little secret. Whatever need you want to fulfill in your life, give it. Whatever need you want to receive, give it. If you make someone else feel needed, you make them feel important. If you make them feel special, if you make them feel significant, I promise you, more than likely they will make you feel needed, important and significant. If you give someone else tremendous love and connection, more than likely you will get that back. In most cases, give that what you wish to receive and you won't have to Worry about receiving it. It's very simple. But you know, what happens in relationships is first you get in this relationship and you say, gosh, I want someone I'm totally connected to. And then you have this total connection. It feels so wonderful. And it's like we're one. We're totally united. We're like one soul. Here we are. And then all of a sudden, somebody goes, but then, who am I? If I am you and you are I, who am I? I don't have my own identity. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I got my own. I need my own identity here. I have. I don't want to just be Mrs. So and so. I don't want to just be Mr. So and so. I gotta have my own identity. Don't you understand? So sure enough, you go out and try and create your own identity. And sure enough, next thing you know, you're alone. You go, oh, but I don't feel connected. Oh, but I want to be. Oh. Do you see the paradox? It happens in everything. Happens in business, happens in relationships, happens around financial issues, happens around virtually everything in life. So this is the challenge. That's why we see the same problems. People have different vehicles. They try to meet their needs. Usually they meet their needs very weakly, on a 0 to 10 scale. They do 2, 3 or 4. And they're not. They're not satisfied enough to really be happy, but they're not dissatisfied enough to change. That's a scary place to be. So let me tell you this. You can meet these first four needs and still not be fulfilled because you have to meet the last two. The way you approach the first four needs will determine whether you're totally fulfilled in the last two. The last two are these. The fifth need is the need to grow. We all must grow. Everything. Life is either growing or dying. There is no in between. If the law of life is, everything must serve a purpose. And if you aren't serving a purpose, you're out of here. And when you die, your body will serve a purpose because it'll turn into dust that something else can grow from. The law of life has got to grow, so everybody's got to grow. We are not happy unless we're growing as people. Period. There's no way around it. I don't care how much you've achieved. I don't care how many people think you're wonderful. I don't care how much you have in your life. Growth is it. And if you doubt it, look at people who are the best in the World at what they do, who everyone else seems to admire. But they're not happy. I'll tell you why they're not happy. They stop growing. That's why you gotta always, no matter what standard you've achieved, you gotta always have a high standard for yourself. You gotta know the next level is right around the corner and you gotta keep going for it because growth equals life. And then the sixth need is the need to contribute, the need to go beyond yourself. These two are the primary essential needs of life because they're the laws of life. Everything in life must grow. Everything in life must contribute in some way or it's out of here, right? It's eliminated. That's the way life works. Everything must serve a higher purpose. Everything must ultimately serve the greater good, not just itself, or it will not last, including you. So think about this. Aren't you most happy when you know you've done the right thing? There's a great little book out that came out years ago called Random Acts of Kindness. It talks about just doing something where you're not. No one knows you did it. You're not doing it to be acknowledged. You're just doing it because it's a great thing to do. And that's a wonderful feeling. I think it's one of the richest feelings a human being can have. So if these are six human needs, if these are six goals, and what have we learned? Here's what we learned. First of all, you can meet these first four needs in destructive ways and thereby feel a little fulfilled. Just enough that you're really not happy, but you're not dissatisfied enough to change. And you will not be fulfilled because you won't grow and contribute, which are the ultimate primary essential needs. So, for example, you could get certainty in your life by controlling everybody. And on a 0 to 10 scale, maybe that feels like level three of pleasure, of fulfillment. You might get variety by doing drugs. At level three or four of fulfillment, you follow me emotionally. And then if you go to significance, you might do it by tearing everybody else down, therefore making yourself feel more significant. I might give you a three or four. And you could have connection and love by, you know, getting sympathy all the time or being demanding and noticing that people are responding to you and then calling that love, which it isn't. But you know what? These approaches will not cause you to grow. They will not cause you to contribute. And therefore you will not be fulfilled. And that's a pretty scary place in life when you're doing all the things you think you're supposed to do. And you're achieving it all. You're still not fulfilled. Now you'll know why. Do you get it? Boy, if you just find a few vehicles, a few of them that meet all your needs, you cannot believe you won't have to motivate yourself. You won't have to get yourself going out there. You won't have to get yourself, give you a little push, listen to your little pump up tapes. You listen to your tapes to get educated, listen to tapes, maybe to get entertainment, Remind yourself the issues. But you'll know what to do because the drive will be inside of you. And you know what? You already have this in some areas of your life. Think about it. Where is there an area of your life where there's something you love to do that for you is effortless? I virtually guarantee you that a minimum of four of these six human needs are met by that activity and probably all six. Now I got another question for you. What's something you hate to do? By the way, before you go to that, think of something you love to do and ask yourself, on a scale from 0 to 10, how fulfilled am I by that in terms of how much certainty do I feel when I think about doing that? How much certainty do I have that I'll have pleasure doing that activity? How much certainty do I have that I'll enjoy it? That I'll have comfort at least, that will at least be able to avoid pain and then go to variety? How much uncertainty, how much variety on a scale of 0 to 10 will I have by participating? How much is different? You know, how much of this would make me feel a sense of significance or uniqueness or feeling needed? And how much of this will give me these feelings of connection and love? How much of this will give me growth on a 0 to 10 scale contribution? And again, if it's something you love to do, I promise you, under your current strategy for perceiving things, appreciating them, noticing them, under your current strategy for doing things, you feel fulfilled in all six casts. So now think of something you hate to do, something you absolutely hate to do. What's something you try to avoid doing if you possibly can? Now, some people say, well, there's nothing I hate. Well, what's something you would prefer someone else did? Think about it. And some people say, well, cleaning my house. On a scale from 0 to 10, what's your level of certainty it'll give you pleasure or comfort? Minus 2. It's a waste of time. I hate it. Right. Just a waste. Makes Me uncomfortable because I'm wasting time on other things I'll be doing that are more important to me. What's your sense of variety in cleaning your house? On a scale from 0 to 10, minus 2, there's no variety in cleaning. That's the same house, the same crap. It's in the same place now. It's boring. What's your sense of significance cleaning your house? Significance? There's no significance. Well, zero connection to love, zero growth, zero contribution, zero. It's not too hard to figure out. But do you know something? There are people, men and women, that if I ask in a room, Hugh here loves to clean their house. I get a couple of people to raise their hand and say they love to clean their house. And you know what? We all want to hire them. And I do this in seminars. I say, who here loves to clean their house? I mean, you don't have to motivate yourself. You're just driven to clean your house. And invariably I'll get a couple of hands and everybody else stares at them like they're Martians or something, right? And I'll say, tell me, ma', am, do you have a sense of certainty that you're going to pleasure when you clean your house? On a zero to 10 scale? She said, absolutely. She goes, you know what? When everything else in my life is so stirred up, I go clean my house. She goes, I feel like I got control over it. I feel good about things. I feel happy. You know, part of it is I have time for myself, and I know I do a good job, and I'm certain I can do a good job and I can complete it and get it done. Do you have a sense of variety from cleaning the house? And this lady says, well, of course I do. Well, what's the variety? She goes, well, every day you go, you don't know what you're gonna find your kids. Put something new down. There's always something new in different places and different ways. And, you know, you gotta wash different things and there are different colors. And plus, I often listen to tapes, you know, so I'm hearing something different. I'm learning something while I'm cleaning. I said, you don't get significance from cleaning, do you? She goes, yes, I do, because I do a darn good job. I do a better job than anybody, and I know how to get the whitest whites. And they go on and on about this, and they'll say, I get a level 10 of significance from cleaning my house. How about connection to love? You don't get connection to love from cleaning? Yes, I do. Because when I'm ironing, I pray for my children. I feel connected to them. Them, like, wow. I never stopped to think about that when I'm cleaning the house. What if I did? Maybe I'd be more fulfilled. You see, if you had a different strategy, you could do something that once was boring and feel very fulfilled by it. That's where modeling comes in. How about growth? You really grow. She goes, yes, because I listen to tapes, I think about different ideas, I ask myself questions. Plus, I solve new problems in the house, new challenges. Of course I'm growing. 10 contribution goes 10. Nobody else will do it. I'm contributing. That also, by the way, makes me unique because no one else will do it. Ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, 10. Interesting. So now let's relate this. I'll give you a couple of good examples and those related to you. But first of all, think for a moment. What is something you hate to do? What is something you hate to do? And ask yourself, this thing I hate to do, or I'd prefer other people do. What's my level of certainty? That I'll have pleasure or at least avoid pain by doing this? That I'll be comfortable doing this? 0 to 10. What's your level of certainty that will be pleasurable? I'd be willing to bet it's pretty low, isn't it? Maybe it's zero. Maybe below. Maybe it's 2, 3 or 4. What's your sense of positive variety on a 010 scale that there'll be positive surprises or differences in this activity? Probably one of the reasons you don't like doing it is you don't see there's much variety. For you, it's the same old thing. Other people enjoy it because they see variety in it, but you don't. 0 to 10. Yeah, you're probably in that minus level 12 in that range, right? How about significance? This thing you hate to do, how significant does it make you feel? How important do you feel unique when you're doing this? My guess is pretty low or zero. How about the sense of connection and love when you do it? Think about it. How connected? How much love do you feel doing this thing you hate to do? My guess is pretty darn low. Again, how about growth? You might go, yeah, I grow doing it. No, I don't mean do you grow. I say, when you think about doing it, how much growth do you associate to it? Probably very little. And again, contribution. You go, yeah, I contribute. Again, I don't want to Know if you contribute, I want to know, does it feel when you think about doing this, do you feel like you're contributing? Many times you do contribute, but you don't give yourself credit. So that's why it doesn't feel fulfilling. Does this make sense to you? Anything in life can be totally fulfilling if you know what the goal of the game is. All you got to do is organize the game to meet it. So I'll give you some strategies for understanding how to change the patterns that don't work and replace them with patterns that do. But I'll tell you the first step. Awareness. You gotta be aware of what's really driving you. You gotta be aware of why you're doing what you're doing so you can make a change, so you can find a new pattern for fulfillment instead of making yourself wrong going, why am I so terrible? Why am I sabotaging myself like this? You are not sabotaging. You're trying to meet your needs. And you're probably meeting two of your needs and violating four, and that's why you don't like it. But when you try to change it with just discipline, it won't work. You must become a designer of patterns of fulfillment. So I've given you an immense amount here. Way too much, in fact. I teach a lot of this at Master University and at Date with Destiny. But I didn't want you to wait to hear this. I wanted to give you these fundamentals now, because this is a tape I hope you'll listen to again and again. Whenever somebody does something that you don't understand, whenever you do something you don't understand or you want to create a change, ask yourself, what needs is this behavior meeting? And how can I better meet my needs to a better behavior, a better vehicle, a better approach? What could I do? How could I change what I'm perceiving about this, what this means to me, what I'm appreciating, so I enjoy it more, so it feels like there's more variety or feels more significant, you know, what could I do to change the way I go about it? Maybe I can add music to what I'm doing and that adds variety to this thing that felt boring. Maybe I can do something that's contributing to other people while I'm working on something that I need to change in myself. Maybe then I'll feel more of my needs being met. There are lots of ways. So here's your assignment. Very simple. I want you to write down in a journal someplace something you love to do. Something you absolutely love to do that for you is virtually effortless. I mean, you really. Other people may think it's difficult, but you get immersed in it and I want you to write it down. And then I want you to make yourself a little six boxes. And those are the top four are the four fundamental. The need for certainty, comfort you can avoid pain, gain pleasure. The need for uncertainty, variety. That there can be surprise, difference. The need for significance, feeling you're needed or important or unique, or that you have a sense of purpose. The need for connection and love. And then those final two, the need to grow and the need to contribute. And under each one, write down on a scale from 0 to 10, how much does this fulfill me? I guarantee you're going to find out something wonderful. Four to six of these are met at a super high level. And that's why it's effortless. Then find something that you hate to do, that's your second assignment, and measure it 0 to 10. As I said, you're gonna find these are low levels. And then here's the kicker. Here's where the real value comes in. As your third assignment, pick something you don't like to do, but you need to do it. It's one of those Class 2 experiences, right? It's something that doesn't feel good, but you know it's good for you. You know it serves others. You know it serves the greater good. Pick something like that and make it a Class 1 experience. Something that even feels good. And the way to do that is say, what could I do? So that when I thought about doing this activity I used to not enjoy, I could feel certain it would feel not only comfortable, but pleasurable. What could I believe about it? Maybe I could believe that I'm being guided. Maybe I could believe that it's really serving other people. Maybe I could get some instruction that makes me feel like I have more skills so I'm more certain in this area. What could I do? On fundamental need number two, what can I do? So there's more variety in this. Maybe I add music. Maybe I get other people involved. Maybe I do it in a different way. Maybe I don't know which room I'm going to start in to do this. I don't know what it is, but I do something different. Maybe I manipulate the environment. I don't do it in one room. I move from place to place while I'm doing it. There's so many different ways. Maybe I start noticing little things I didn't notice before. What can I appreciate Differently. What could I perceive differently so I'd feel more variety, more surprise? What could I do physically? What would my strategy be so it feels different? Need number three. How can I really appreciate how important this is? You gotta appreciate it. The secret in life is you gotta give yourself these needs, not wait for them to show up. Connection and love. Ask yourself, how can I feel more love? Maybe times that you're alone, you're working on something, you feel connected to God, your creator. Maybe it's appreciating the connection with yourself. Maybe you don't have enough time. Like that contribution. What can I do that makes me feel like, yeah, Even though this seems little. Everything contributes in life, even littlest think. Just making somebody smile is a contribution. When you drop the stone in the pond, the ripple effect doesn't end in that moment. So you have three assignments. One. Find something you already love. Maybe something you're a peak performer. And rate it 0 to 10, all six categories, so you'll see that I'm right. It's fulfilling to you. That's why you're a peak performer. Find something you hate to do, you'll see why. And then find something you don't enjoy doing but want to enjoy doing. And make it something you'll enjoy doing by changing your perception or your procedure. A lot of homework, but invaluable. So go for it right now. Come up with your ideas, and I look forward to being with you tomorrow. Until then, live with passion. In a world of oversharing, dating remains sacred. Meet the new Ashley Madison. Discreet Dating. No public posts. No feed. Adults connecting in private. Ashley Madison. Blessed are the discreet. Download the app or visit ashleymadison. Com iheartmedia.