Emma Chamberlain (10:57)
Month@Betterhelp.Com anything that's better h e l p.com anything the key to riding through the agonizing feeling is time. Because it will pass. It always does. But in the moment, it feels like it's never going to pass. And sitting in that feeling, staring at your phone, crying, wanting to text your ex, definitely doesn't make the time pass faster. It makes the time pass slower. It's like watching paint dry. And in my experience, the most helpful thing that you can do is focus on something else. Do something else. Which is incredibly challenging because the feeling, it's is so overwhelming that, like, it's not like you can just sit down and crack open a book and start reading. It's not like you can just step outside and go on a walk with no headphones in or no one to talk to on the phone. Like, these moments are so intense that they require a very specific type of distraction, at least in my experience. Or else it's just not gonna work. Like, it's easy for me to just sit here and say, you wanna text your ex? Well, don't watch a movie, you know, watch a documentary. It's like, yeah, then you're just gonna have the documentary on in the background while you stare at your phone and cry and wanna text your ex. It. It requires a very specific type of activity, and it also, I think, requires a level of mindfulness to be like, okay, I'm about. I'm spiraling about this. Either I'm about to spiral about this, or I am actively spiraling about this. I need to pivot. I need to do something else. I need to take action and. And do something else and. And distract myself or actively address the negative feelings that I'm feeling. That can also be a helpful form of distraction, but also, in some ways, maybe not, like, resolution, but you're actively addressing your negative feelings and maybe not fully resolving them, but, like, kind of straightening out your. Your mind a little bit. But it can be very hard when in a spiral, to gather your thoughts enough to figure out what to do, you know, and that's why I'm making this episode. This is an episode that I think you need to bookmark for the next time that you want to text your ex. And I'm about to give you a plethora of things that you could do. Instead of texting your ex, I'm about to give you a plethora of things that you can do to help pivot your energy. And a lot of these things might seem a bit obvious to you. You know, as I'm listing them out, you might be like, yeah, I could have came up with that. But in the moment during the spiral, it is very hard to think clearly. It's such an intense feeling, and it's also hard to motivate. These are. A lot of these things are things that I've done when I've wanted to text my ex. You know, these are. These are methods that I've tried myself, and I know work, because there's also things that I've tried that don't work. And even if some of them may seem obvious in the heat of the moment, for whatever reason, nothing's obvious. So, you know what? Save this episode. I mean, listen, if you're going through it right now, listen to it. You can save this episode for later, or you can just listen now and keep these ideas in the back of your head for the next time that you're in a situation where you're gonna need these things. Without further ado, let's begin. I think one of the most helpful things you can do in a moment like this is. Is text, call, hang out with someone. Just get in contact with someone else. Because even though it's not going to be the same, right? Like calling your mom, calling your best friend, you know, meeting up with your grandma for a cup of tea, like, listen, it's not the same, right? It's like, if you're really craving, I don't know, a donut, and instead of eating the donut, you, like, try to make, like, a healthier version. Like, it's just not going to hit the spot, really. It's never. It's not the same, but it kind of works in the beginning. But the real value of reaching out to somebody is you can talk through it. Like, it's very challenging to deal with these types of feelings alone, because it's almost like your emotions are like a pot of boiling water, okay? If you put the lid on the boiling water, it'll boil harder and faster. And also, I don't really think it evaporates because the lid is on, so there's nowhere for it to go. So all the emotions just stay inside. Whereas if you were to boil water on a stove with no lid, the water eventually will all evaporate. It's the same thing with your emotions. If it's all inside of you, the lid is on, it just boils and circulates, and it doesn't have anywhere to go. If you open up to somebody, you talk to somebody, you take the lid off, the negative emotions eventually will sort of evaporate Completely. No, probably not completely. You know, that's a journey. But a lot of it's like, I think that's probably where the saying blow off steam comes from. Maybe. Let me Google it. Okay, not at all. The saying blow off steam comes from the literal act of releasing excess pressure from a steam engine to prevent an explosion. Super off there. But whatever. See, this is why we have to Google things. Because, like, I really thought I was like, whoa, I'm a fucking genius. Not at all. But I don't know if that metaphor makes sense for you, but it makes sense to me. There's something so helpful about taking your thoughts out of your brain and making them tangible, either through speaking them or what I'm about to talk about next. Journaling. But we'll. We'll get to that in a sec. Sitting down with somebody, inventing, and maybe even listening to their advice. I mean, we should always take advice with a grain of salt, but listening to their advice and their unique perspective can be so helpful. But also, too, just human connection itself can be so therapeutic in a really chaotic moment. Like, even if you sit down with somebody and don't talk about the situation at hand. Even if you just sit with somebody or you talk to somebody on the phone or you text an old friend. Like even just mere human connection on a surface level can be really helpful and really distracting. There are so many different ways that reaching out to somebody can help, but it is undeniably one of the most helpful things that you can do, you know, and so I obviously have to start with that. Another thing you could do is journal about it. Now, I'm not in an era in my life where I'm consistently journaling. I've had eras in my life where I've consistently journaled. I'm not in one right now, but I journal when I need need it. That's kind of where I'm at in my life. And I will say journaling when going through a breakup can be incredibly helpful. And I have a few prompts that you could potentially use if you want to text your ex. Number one, make a list of reasons why you broke up. Make a list. And then in the future, when you want to text your existence, go back and read that list. I'm pretty sure I've made a list of the reasons why I've broken up with every single ex that I've ever broken up with. Or not necessarily. I mean, I've been broken up with too, but you get what I'm saying? And without fail, every single time. It's so helpful because we can look at the past with rose colored glasses. You know, a lot of times we look back at memories, you know, more fondly than we should. Right. Like, I talk about this with my dad all the time, actually, because we travel a lot together and whenever we travel, things always go wrong. Like whether a flight gets delayed or one of us gets sick or injured. Like, I've been on trips and been really sick. My dad, I remember one time on a trip, like pinched a nerve in his back and was in a lot of pain. And these things happen, right? But it's funny because when we both look back on these trips, we remember them so fondly, as though everything was gorgeous and perfect. But in reality, we had bumps in the road. Right? Now when it comes to remembering a vacation, it's really wonderful to remember it beautifully. Right? But when it comes to a relationship, it can be kind of dangerous. Actually dangerous is extreme, but it can be challenging that we tend to look back at our past so romantically. Because there's a reason why you broke up. And so in a moment of desperation, in a moment of pure heartbreak. I think that's when the nostalgia is the most lethal. And it can be so important to have a reality check. And so I think writing a list of all the reasons why you broke up is not only helpful in the moment, but it is also helpful in the future. You know, when you inevitably feel this feeling again and want to text your ex again. Reread your journal entry. Another journal entry that's possibly, that's a little bit more positive and empowering. Make a list of the things you want to focus on in goals you want to accomplish now that you're single. Being single comes with a lot of opportunity. It's also heartbreaking and sad and lonely at times, but it's also an incredible opportunity. You now have one less responsibility and a lot more time on your hands. And that can be an incredible thing. Listen, I'm. I have a goal in my life to be in a long term relationship one day that lasts hopefully for the rest of my life. I want to have a family, I want to have kids. And I think a healthy, wonderful, romantic relationship is totally worth the responsibility and the commitment and the time. Like, I think it can be totally worth it, but not always. And so if you find yourself in a place where you're single because there isn't a relationship in front of you where it makes sense, then you're left with all of this time and honestly, freedom. And I don't think one is better than the other. I don't think being single is better than being in a relationship. I think it all depends on there are pros and cons to both. And one of the most exciting pros of being single is that you have all of this free time and you can really focus on yourself and you can really work on yourself and you can really dedicate yourself to your goals in a way that you can do in a relationship. But it's maybe a bit more challenging. And that's so exciting and so empowering. And it just feels like if you imagine your life as like this blank canvas, it's almost like you just wiped away a part of the painting of your life and now you get to repaint there. You get to paint something brand new and that's really exciting. And I think in a really challenging moment, like wanting to text your ex, it can be really helpful to lean into that excitement and make a list of what you want to focus on in your life and what goals you want to accomplish. Another journal entry could be a list of traits that you're looking for in Your next partner. Now, I would suggest that perhaps you don't want to be too specific, right? You don't want to be like, their favorite movie is Napoleon Dynamite, and they have three siblings, and they want to live in New York, and they're a doctor. Like, you don't want to be too specific, because then when you make goals like that, it's very hard to accomplish them, and you end up disappointed. I think it's best to keep things broad. For example, I want my next partner to be very gentle in the way that they speak. I want them to be nurturing. I want them to be funny. I want our senses of humor to mesh perfectly. I want them to be a clear, honest communicator. Whatever. Like, I think a lot of us are looking for a very similar thing, but. But I do think that we all have different priorities when it comes to a relationship. There's something very, like, productive about writing down what you're looking for in your next partner. Because I think a lot of times we can feel very discouraged during a breakup. Like, oh, my God, I really thought I was gonna marry this person, and now we're not together anymore, and now I have to embark on this new journey of finding my next partner. Like, I don't even know where to start. And that can make you want to text your ex, right? And I think this journal entry can kind of make you feel like you're taking a step in the right direction. You know, you're not in control of when you're gonna meet that person, but at least you can be in control of manifesting what this next partner is gonna be like. Another thing you can do. I actually don't think I've done this before, but I've heard many people discuss it, so I'm gonna mention it. You can write a letter to your partner that you ultimately aren't gonna send. You can write down everything you'd want to say to them and just not send it. It's written in your journal. It's for you. But again, I think going back to my metaphor earlier about the boiling pot, it's like getting the. Getting thoughts and emotions out of your head into the real world, making them tangible through speaking them out or writing them can really be sort of a cathartic experience. So I haven't necessarily done that myself. Maybe I have, but it's been a while. Um, but I've heard wonderful things about that, so I'm mentioning it. And the last thing you could do is make your own list of things to do instead of texting your ex, make a list of a bunch of different ideas of things that you could do in the in this exact moment. Once you're done writing this list, and also for the future, for the next time that you feel this way, write a very personalized list of things that you can do next time you want to text your ex. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Garnier. Long day, Long night. Love putting on your makeup, but hate taking it off. There's really no better feeling than coming home, getting comfy, and removing your makeup. With Garnier Waterproof Micellar Water, it easily removes even stubborn waterproof mascara. None of that harsh rubbing needed, and you don't even need to rinse afterwards. It leaves skin cleansed, refreshed, and never dry. Head to Amazon to shop Garnier Waterproof Micellar Water now. Now back to the episode. Okay, moving on from journaling, the next thing you could do is take some time to remove reminders, things that remind you of your ex, from your life, from your space, to prevent unnecessary thoughts about your ex throughout the day. Like, for example, let's say you have a cork board in your office. I have one of those. You know, I put pictures up there, postcards, whatever from various travels and things that happen in my life. And so naturally, you know, photos and memorabilia, if you will, from a relationship will end up on that board. And after a breakup, I have to take those things down as soon as possible. I don't always do it immediately because sometimes I'm kind of sad about it, Other times I'm kind of lazy. But I have to take those things down as soon as possible because if I don't, then every time I'm sitting at my desk and I look up, then I remember my ex. And maybe I wasn't thinking about my ex. And then all of a sudden, now I am. And then all of a sudden next thing I know, I'm spiraling, wanting to text them because it triggered a memory that made me feel nostalgic. And then I spiral and then I want to text my ex. It can be incredibly helpful to go around your house and remove reminders of your ex. Now, you don't necessarily need to throw them away. I don't do that. But maybe just put them out of sight. And it might not even be like a photo of you and your ex. It might be like, oh, my ex bought me this vase or I bought this candle when I was on a vacation with my ex. It doesn't necessarily need to be like an obvious reminder. Some things are just very personal, random reminders, even those things can sometimes trigger a memory that then causes a spiral. I think when in a really vulnerable period in a breakup, those types of things can make it harder and just simply putting them away until you're ready to bring them back out, or even potentially donating them, if that makes sense. But I mean, I don't think that's necessary usually. But putting them out of sight can be incredibly helpful. But also, our phones are our reality now. It's like a part of our. Where we live because we're on our phones so much. So also, perhaps muting your ex on Instagram, that could be really helpful. Deleting your text chain so that it's not like if you don't text a lot of different people, perhaps deleting them from your text chain. Removing them from your favorites on your contacts. Changing your wallpaper, making sure that your wallpaper is like something of an image that's very personal to you and doesn't have anything to do with your ex. Like, it can be very cleansing. It's sad, but it can be very cleansing to sort of go through your life and remove reminders of your ex, to not only, like, symbolize your new life that's yours, you know, without. I mean, your life is always yours, but like, to symbolize this new sort of independent era. But it also prevents future meltdowns. Another thing you could do if you have the time is go to a cute stationery shop, if you have one. Actually, I live in la, where, like, there's literally every type of store you could ever possibly imagine. Not every town has, like, a cute stationary store. But even if, like, you don't need to go to a cute stationery store, you could go anywhere. You can go to any store that sells a lot of different types of things. Buy a planner, a physical paper planner. Okay. And dedicate yourself to using this planner for the indefinitely. Right? Okay. You might only use this planner for a month. You might use it for the duration of the year. Who knows? But there's something really empowering about scheduling your life out, intentionally getting in control of. Of how you're using your time and putting it all on paper into a planner. There's something about that that is really inspiring and weirdly motivating. And I think when going through a breakup, it's so important to be structured with your time to keep yourself busy and to not. To not have too much downtime. Like, listen, there's intentional downtime and then there's unintentional downtime. Intentional downtime is like, I'm going to go get my nails done this afternoon, or I'm going to lay in bed tonight and watch my favorite TV show, and I'm super excited about it. And then there's unintentional downtime where it's like, okay, I have the day off today, and I don't really know what to do with it, and I'm not really in the best place, so I'm just gonna lay in bed and scroll on TikTok and get into a dark place and then get depressed and then want to text my ex. You know, I think during a breakup, it is particularly important to. To focus on intentional downtime and not unintentional downtime. And I think one of the best ways to do that is to get really into scheduling your life and keeping busy. Now, obviously, we all have things that are built into our life that, you know, keep us busy. Work, taking care of people in our lives, chores, you know, there's a lot of things like that, and all of those things are very important when going through a breakup. You know, it's a time to lean into those things and perhaps even try to romanticize those things and, you know, really just, like, fully immerse yourself in what your life is. But, you know, there's also gaps, right? Like, what do you do after you're done with all of that stuff? I think during a breakup, it can be very helpful to plan your downtime. Like, for example, I'm going through a breakup right now, and so I have started planning my downtime. Like, what am I going to do when I'm done with my work? What am I. I've started scheduling out things that I don't necessarily have to do just to make sure that I keep busy. Right? And I think it's incredibly helpful. And I think in a moment where you're wanting to text your ex, it can be kind of inspiring to be like, you know what? I need to keep busy. I know I need to keep busy. Let me take the first step. Get in the car, get on the bus, get on a bike, and walk on foot and go get a fucking planner. You know what? Make the whole thing romantic. Put your headphones in, listen to some music, listen to a podcast, go to the store, mosey around in the aisles. Find a planner that meets your standards. Bring it home. Oh, you know what, maybe even buy some fun pens. You know, romanticize the whole thing, and then go home and get excited about, like, filling out this Planner and figuring out what you're gonna do for the week.
